#i mean i guess one could have predicted because competence has always been sexy but still

[lost-in-fandoms]

just saw the clip of max's overtake on george again and 🥵🥵🥵🥵

[3liza]

talking about flters and real beauty vs fake beauty and cultural standards etc always makes me think about all the victorian and edwardian novels i read, where the things that people thought about beauty were recorded at length. recently ive been reading a lot of Thomas Hardy (best known for Tess of the D’Urbervilles and Jude the Obscure) and there’s so much discussion of the beauty of people, particularly love interests, both men and women. and these writers, and their eras, and the culture of the eras, was of course obsessed with beauty and youth and also artificial beauty (being the eras of the really transformative corsets, not to mention some of the earliest industrialized or modernized beauty products or processes), as all human societies are to a greater or lesser extent in their own ways, but the thing that sticks out to me in reading these books is how beauty is not the singular or even the most important aspect of a person’s overall attraction. if someone has a beautiful face or figure, it is mentioned, but never to the obsessive, fixated extent that physical beauty is isolated from and elevated over all other features in modern american/western culture. there are plenty of protagonists or love interests in these books who are described as not young, or not remarkable, or not pretty, or even ugly or frightening, but nevertheless compellingly sexy and attractive, or simply interesting, or worthy in some way. 

its weird that the cultural consciousness has become seemingly ignorant of non-physical attraction. like that anon that was in my inbox talking about how they were “normal looking’ and therefore “needed” filters in order to “compete” with attractive people. it’s a weirdly mercenary and capitalist view of the social economy, first of all, which absolutely is not zero-sum no matter how badly the social networks want to convince us that it is. but there was never a single mention from that person about their ability to charm or entertain or attract using anything except a fake photo of themselves. wild. im fuckin worried about them! im worried about every young person how has brain worms

when i was about 4 and starting to become aware of how much adults were obsessed with my appearance because i was dainty and blonde and could do a passable shirley temple imitation, my parents gave me a very serious lecture about what physical beauty actually meant: i didn’t work for it (yet, i mean i do a lot of work now as an adult), it was given to me genetically. and someday, maybe sooner or more suddenly than anyone could predict, it would be gone. if accident, illness, or hardship didnt get me, old age eventually would. so with that being a certainty, i had better build a life and a personality on something other than my looks. and i said, ok. every day i get older im more grateful for that advice and the fact i decided to take it to heart instead of trying to gamble on Being Hot for long enough to get job security. which is also a valid career choice but it’s a risky one. always better to have a fallback just in case.

im of an age rn where a lot of women in my peer group are starting to get a very hunted vibe about the impending end of their youth, which is valid. theres nothing foolish about it, its not their fault, theyre not stupid or somehow lacking because this is an issue in their lives. but im noticing that i am significantly less freaked out by, idk, how long ago the 90s were or whatever, because i have been expecting to get old since i was in kindergarten. and i had adults around me who were just like “hey this is what old people look like and what bodies do over time. its not a big deal. everything on tv is fake btw”. i didnt get out unscathed, ive had eating disorders and all sort of weird brain-body problems. 

my advice i guess if i have any is to go outside and really look around you. notice how almost every single woman, and most men, has at least some cellulite, even if its just when theyre sitting down or whatever. notice how everyone has blemishes and zits. most people have some dandruff. if someone is wearing makeup, it’ll be cakey or balled up or smeared or uneven or clumpy even if it’s just a bit. everyone over the age of about 20 will have stretch marks somewhere, even if they aren’t visible except in certain light. i was under the impression i didnt have many until one time seeing a picture of my butt in FULL natural light and finally saw the entire surface of both cheeks was covered in straitions, they just were hard to see most of the time because im the color of drywall and scars tend to be light. it’s really easy to spot hair extensions and wigs and fake nails and fake tans and shapewear once you figure out how to see it. and none of these things take away from someone’s character. 

there’s a strong argument to be made that when corsetry was the norm, no woman was expected to simply be the shape of the corset unless she was actually wearing it. photographs and drawings of women in the 19th and early 20th century were retouched a bit as all photos have been, yes, but they were not retouched to make naked women appear to be corset-shaped. THAT is new. people are now getting surgery to be corset-shaped. and like, i dont think anyone should not be able to look however they want if they want to have that surgery. that is one meaning of cyborg feminism, probably. what i dont want, is for anyone to ever think that’s a normal way to look (except for veryvery tiny mathematical outliers, the Barbie Hips Georg of instagram) WITHOUT surgery or shapewear. which i see a lot now. i saw an instagram fashion designer with a very obviously surgically-altered body answer a question in her inbox about how she maintained her figure with some nonsense about diet and exercise. so now some (probably young) person out there is thinking that if they just do intermittent fasting enough, theyll look like a woman with butt and boob implants, a BBL, fillers, etc. that person probably thinks that if they arent able to diet and exercise good enough, they will fail at looking that way through their own laziness and lack of work ethic or whatever. i see that mindset constantly, especially in young women.

the surgery isnt the issue. the look itself isnt the issue. the filters themselves arent the issue. the issue is that on none of these images, is there an indication of what has been changed or how. the brain damage effect of filters would be lessened, i think, if everyone KNEW which images had been altered and how. so maybe thats the answer? mandatory labeling? i dont know. what’s terrifying is that the average adult human in america cant tell from a glance what has been altered in a photograph, no matter how clumsily, because they simply dont have a template for what a real human looks like anymore. the false images have supplanted the real images, the actual memories of alive humans that you know and have met or lived with. 

if you go into any of the shittier men’s spaces online you will find threads for posting pictures of “beautiful girls”, and it is page after page after page of teenagers in full makeup, hair extensions or wigs, circle lenses, facetuned, bodytuned, surgery, etc, and then hundreds of men yearning and fanning themselves over her “natural beauty”. dont go looking for this stuff, it will permanently fuck you up to know what a basic guy on the bus is thinking about women every day. dont do it

but i also seriously predict a backlash into “natural” looks after this current madness, similarly to how the 1960s saw the rise of the hippie girl with swingin titties, pit hair and no high heels after the consumer beauty madness of the 50s. of course the 60s beauty ideals were in some ways just as fake, but there was some authentic yearning towards a freedom from capitalist bodies as well. so when that happens send me $20: paypal.me/3liza. should be in like the next 4 years or so. thanks

[mikkock]

Hey hi your murder mystery art is super totally cool and amazing and I'd like to Extra! Extra! hear all about it *rattles bells*

haha wow i cant believe ud ask me THIS! unbelievable! now im gonna have to make a long post!

all info under the cut cause im kind like that ♥

For reasons I felt like making a Fancy Ass murder mystery story, with you know, hella complex secret storylines and everyone having drama and shit, and one person died but the more the story goes the less people care about who did the murder and the more they want tHE JUICY DETAILs. X and Y had an afFAIR you say!!! well that’s thousands time more interesting than that murder that happened, who cares about the culprit its not like any of us are going anywhere anyway! tell me more about the marital issues!

The ultimate Vibes are Clue (the game, ya kno, it had a movie too, and that movie was shot with three different endings -fun fact- so that movie theatres could play one alternatively that way people wouldnt get spoiled or even if they did they would not get the ending they were spoiled or even if all three were spoiled you couldnt know which ending you were getting anyway, big dick move, cause its an old movie and film is expensive, also that movie stupid and campy, ALSO I ONLY LEARNED MAKING THIS AU THAT IN ENGLISH THE GAME’S CALLED “CLUE” wE CALL IT CLUEDO therefore my wip playlist is called cluedo. because. fuck it.)(i just have an emotional attachment to that game i even had a cd rom video game version and it was the spookiest shit for a 6 years old, trust me, i played it so much tho i didnt even understand the rULES i was just making scenarios like gathering the characters in rooms n making conversations outloud cause honestly the banter is the best part of a murder mystery) ANYWAY that sure is a whole paragraph of tangent. 

BUT YE the inspo from the Clue game. you can tell it from the Colours obviously, everyone’s colour codded.(even everyone’s name is colours as well you’ll see it’s real dang fancy! im just remaking that game but with 2932020 characters and more behind the scenes drama and also for gay people.)

So BASIC PLOT!

Sir Belyy, the dude in white, is The Rich Powerful Respected Fancy Boss, and he throws a Fancy Reception Party with his closest friends and associates to celebrate the opening of a new branch of his business. All the lads gather in his wonderful little very isolated mansion in the middle of nowhere, like ok he got a death wish or something or he’s very trusting of his business partners, but not a good move, cause in the middle of the reception, as A Phat Storm Starts (for plot convenience, we going with a campy vibe if you couldnt tell), his body is found, it’s awful, there’s a killer on the loose! All the guests gather, and attempt to maybe contact the authorities, to not avail, since The Storm ya know, phone lines are Broken my dude. Its clear that the culprit is among them, since no one could have entered the house, or left it (cuz once again, ThE sTORm). And then it’s all about interrogating each other, distrust, alliances and betrayal, revealing one’s deepest secrets when they form an alibi and revealing someone else’s deepest secret for they could be a motive! Meanwhile there’s a dead body in the mansion just chillin there. 

.

So as I mentioned, I changed everyone’s name to be colour related (or ya know, food or flowers of that colour cause sometimes a colour in a language would not work as a name given the way names work in that culture all that jazz) which is the trippiest thing cause tHATS NOT YALLS USUAL NAMES but its fun (also changed so many ages hgfhs it was a trip)(still no one’s really old i guess i got boomerphobia). The “Cast” is clearly the most important part, and if ur a True “My OCs” Connaisseur (hdfghd the most useful skill to have, knowing *MY* Charactersdshgd) you may have recognised some faces and can already read some vibes and predict who will be progressing the plot and who will be yelling at people throwing accusations ghdfgd.

(god i wish i hadnt slacked off making the portraits of everyone in that AU i only have 3 tho that’s so sad so ill just make little sketches just cause <3 only text??? i got too many hoes with no attention span for that)

.

Sir BELYY (the one who dIEs lmao)

(bust shot missing the fact that this man is the tallest beefiest lad around)

Intimidating, powerful, composed, wealthy, carries the name of a family who has generations of control to it’s reputation, he’s The Man that hoes who believe in the economy wishes they were. As in, the “self made” man who only just happened to benefit from having a wealthy background to uplift his plans. In his youth, he wanted to prove his worth, seperated himself from his father, started a business, that business became big, then got attached to the family’s business, bam back to square one but with Reputation now. There seemed to be VERY big tension between him and The Father, some speculate it had to do with his unknown mother, and some family drama there, and it never got resolved as old man Belyy died quite young (the jUICY speculations are that current sir Belyy mURDEREd old man sir Belyy, fucked up if true!). People love him though in general, as he has that reputation of “Cold Lad With a Gold Heart” aka he takes people under his wings, donates, doesnt treat his employees like the absolute worst garbage etc... you know, he’s rich and a half decent person, so obviously he’s an angel on earth. But does it matter though, he’s dead! that’s the concept of the story!  

Mr.GRAY (the grey guest)(who could have guessed from the name)

He’s one of Sir Belyy’s oldest employees, and benefits from a high rank in the company. But, sadly for him, he’s been stagnating lately, as newer, youngest employees seem to have Belyy’s favours, and are his prefered associates for important tasks and positions. Therefore he has Some Bitterness, Some Salt, Some Distaste, some unbriddled but professionally muted hatred for Specific people in the company. He can be an antagonistic figure, but the amount of time he spent in Belyy’s circle grants him an immense quantity of information about the man, but mostly, about his business. Anything about the company’s history, dealings, operations, he’s aware of, either having been told of them, or having snooped around to obtain, immune to being questioned due to his legitimacy in the company.

Mr.LIM (the green guest)

Remember when it was said that Gray had beef with some employees cause they were younger and rose to high ranks faster than him and became Belyy’s favourite over him? Yeah well here comes the one he hates the most for that (ofc he’s belyys fave cuz he’s Mine <3) Our lad caught Belyy’s attention for his Exploits in like, em fancy high school tournaments of smart people, it’s a thing its ridiculous, making kids compete on Smart stuff for the pride of their schools n shit, well homie Lim got clout when doing that, and Belyy was extremely interested cause that kid’s main thing was how “this young lad got mad strategic skills tf are u a war general or smth how fancy”, and that’s a coveted skill for ruthless business. So as soon as the kid is an adult, bam, join the company my dude. And because he’s just that Cool n Sexy ofc he met the expectations Belyy had, and old man Belyy got attached cuz it do be such a young lad, a kid, mentally i am adopting. That’s how you get a youngas employee becoming the right hand man of one the phatest CEO in a few years, and even make your way into being a Good Lad on top of a business partner. And that’s how you get Gray to hate your ass too. Now though, fine lad with mad strategic skills, rising to power that fast, and even infiltrating Belyy’s private life? If I were Gray I’d call suspicion there’s surely some shady stuff going no way we’re just dealing with a nice fella who just happens to work good and be friendly to the boss right?

Herra MUSTA (the black “guest”)

Belyy’s newest butler, assistant, house keeper, he multitasks. His family has been tied to Belyy’s for generations, fullfilling roles of help, but also of confidents. He’s been the head butler since only a short time, after his mother passed, and as such is still “in training” you could say, despite having served the family his whole life. There are rumours going around that the contract tying his family to the Belyys may end on his generation and need to be resigned. He known the manor by heart, and carries all keys to any locked room (and mostly, The Master Key, cause in an old house, some doors may be locked beyond all still existing keys). He also knows secrets of the family that no one else knows, but good luck getting em out of him, he’s under contract not to divulge em bro.

Mr. HASSEL (the brown guest)

Belyy’s childhood friend. They grew up together, pictured their dreams together, sworn to flourish together, worked together when starting the company, and then Hassel felt he should create his own thing instead of depending on his friend’s existing wealth, and while Belyy’s business went wild, his never took off. They still stayed very close, despite the massive difference in wealth. Belyy considers him his closest friend, the one person he can trust (fucked if hassel did the murder lemme tell u). So of course, he’s still always invited to the Prestigious meet ups where’s he’s free to feel uncomfortably out of place amongst all the rich and powerful people that he could have been a part of had he had a tiny bit of luck and a small loan from a wealthy relative...People LOVE saying he’s still hanging out with Belyy so much to leech off his wealth, cause of course they do! His bestie status means he has a whole different brand of information of Belyy than his butler does, the Most Intimate Stuff, the Childhood Stuff. The Juicy stuff ya kno...But Bro Code, its all secrets...

Sir RUZH (the red “guest”)

Deep dive into Belyy’s personnal history, the man has many employees working at his house keeping it working, clean, ya know the vibe. They live on the premice, one has a kid who’s just a Joy to be around, all the employees just vibe with that lad, he’s just a born socialite you know? Belyy gets to meet the kid, and also hella vibes with him. And because human are influenced by their feelings, he gives the kid’s mum a bit of a preferencial treatment, in the tasks she fullfils and all, til he gives her an important-as mission, and then there’s an accident n mama dies, and now Belyy got guilt and there’s this kid who just Vibes. So naturally the move is to take the kid in, and play on how his vibes are just so clean, and raise him to be the Perfect Entertainer for guests, bam, its soft power propaganda, if everyone loves your now son’s vibes, they associate them with you too. And also that’s kind of a clean rep, the selfless man who adopted his employee’s son to not have him fall to the streets, how heartwarming. Not at all traumatising for the kid too I bet! But anyway now the lad is just the most charming young adult, mission accomplished. He’s always present at any reception, ready to work his people-pleasing magic, and then going back to a gigantic empty manor to wait for the next and curate the perfect vibes to meet the expectations of dad. On the plus side, he knows everyone, and those who don’t know him cannot wAIT to, he’s just got that aura ya know. People skills for miles, and the insider knowledge that comes with being the son of the CEO, all this hidden behind the personna of the fresh innocent bashful party lad. 

Dr.FEN (the pink guest)

Do not get mistaken by the title, he’s no doc, he will not diagnose you with anything, he just studied long enough to get the sexy title. Study in what? Haha. Nothing shady. Just toxicology. He’s a world reknown poison expert basically, that’s his main thing. Oh but don’t worry, of course studying substances that may kill people is only for finding out how to cure them from it of course. What brings him in this circle? Simple, Belyy may or may not have started to suffer some weird illness that no doctor has been able to find the source, let alone cure, of. Him and Dr.Fen had met previously on some event, cause some rich man also love flexing how smart they are and attending sciencey shit, and he was contacted as sort of a shot in the dark. The lad does know how to treat some things, maybe he can treat The Mysterious Unwellness, since no traditional doctor was able to. He knows science, he’s trustworthy, bam, you’re hired to work on My Case Exclusively. Thanks to this, Dr.Fen has access to the whole health history of Belyy and his family, to many mANY dangerous substances, and also has The Respect of the hoes at the party. He HAS a doctorate after all. Epitome of knowledge. And he’s a kind to people and he wears pink like dang how can you nOT pour your wHOLE trust in him. 

Sir MOREVITCH (the blue guest)

Youngest son of an affluent family, who used to be close the the Belyys. The two families fell slightly appart after the death of the previous head of the family on the Belyy side, as they do nOT vibe with the current one (well current, til the first night of the story ig). But, unbeknownst to all, one strong link had been kept, between the youngest of the Morevitch, who dislikes his family and wishes to emancipate himself from them while also assuring his depart will not throw him basically in the streets, and our beloved Sir Belyy, who also dislikes the Morevitches but loves to see the rebellious energy of the young one (and ya know, my enemy’s enemy’s my friend or however you say that). So Belyy’s basically offering tips and helping Morevitch plant himself safely out of his family’s grasp, but it’s all taking quite some time isn’t it, slow and steady is fine until your parents try to arrange a wedding to secure more political power, and suddenly it is all quite urgent that you escape that situation because No Thank You Parents I Do Not Want A Wife I’m Too Young And Also Huh <3 Stuff You Won’t Like Hearing For Sure <3. The people who know they’re working together also know that it’s a big point of argument between them, the difference in vision between “you have to go slow and steady to be safe” and “I have very limited time to get to that safety anyway so I gotta risk it” “hell no you cant i can’t follow through if we’re going that quick that’ll put me at risk and you’re family’s gonna send gunmen to take me down”. A mess, it’d be much quicker to just obtain a few million bucks out of nowhere and bolt for sure...

Mr.GANG (the orange guest)

Morevitch’s trusted assistant. He hears the concerns, he helps the secret businesses, he lies to the parents about the whereabouts, and mostly, he’s basically a budget spy. The lad got that talent where people just don’t notice him popping behind them and catching all their dirty laundry as they confess it to someone they trust, and he always manages to break into places, get the intel he was looking for, and escape, putting everything back into place as if no one was ever there (wonder where he got all those skills from damn!). But what he’s even better at is being sneaky not only to benefit his boss, but himself as well <3. If he can catch all the info in the world, go any places, nothing’s stopping him from playing double agent and also going behind Morevitch’s back. After all the assistant life isn’t the most glamourous and rewarding, who can blame him from going and using his talents to build his own little exit route, right? Everybody sort of knows he cannot be trusted, but also no one managed to really incriminate or stop him, and as much as he has tea on many people, no has it on him, but bet once found that would be heeeella juicy.

M.MOUTARDE (the yellow guest)(this one is straight up the name of the yellow player in the french edition of clue too when i say its my main vibe)

Moutarde was an influential celebrity. He had a big break acting in a movie that the whole country stanned so hard they basically turned the script into their national anthem (they would have if it was a true democracy where the people really decide), he was so handsome and elegant, everyone’s dream husband. And then the fame fiddled out because it’s how fame is, one moment you’re the sexiest dish on the table and the next someone brings in dessert and baam, its all about that fresh cake, and no one pays any mind to your delightful aroma anymore, you’ve gone cold, they had a bite, their interest is somewhere else. Belyy really admires his work though, and mostly finds his image fits with the brand of his company, therefore the two are working on a collaboration to make Moutarde a representative. This WOULD boost Moutarde’s reputation, for his ads would be displayed on every imaginable surface of the country, and it would also benefit the company cause being represented by thAT sexy motherfucker? clearly that’s a deal. The freshness of the partnership means Moutarde is a newcomer in the guests, a fresh face, with no reputation, no relationships, no unfair biases against him. He’s just the new handsome charismatic lad with a squeaky clean image. Emphasis on “image”. After all, no one really knows anything of his background, right?

Kun.LAWENDER (the purple guest)

Private investigator, very useful to be around at a party it’s almost like it was expected there’d be a body to investigate, he’s a very close associate of Belyy, as there’s nothing more important to business than investigating the rivals and finding dirt on them to make them fall through infamy. He’s not exactly the PI who goes look for justice to be served, he’s just here for cash bro. He’s got intel on everyone, and will only let it out if offered the right thing in return (money, or sometimes other pieces of very secret intel, trade is good). Wouldn’t advise letting him and Gang team up tbh but they probably wouldnt, as Lawender is really more of a lone wolf player, going on his own for himself. The one thing that negates his usefulness as a PI on an accidental crime of scene is that even if he knew the whole truth of the event he would not spit it out unless he benefitted from saying it. He sure is a polarising lad, but at the same time, an untouchable one, he’s too knowledgeable to be taken down. Rather than sneaky, he’s extremely observant, noticing the tiniest details and engraving them in his memory, ready to be linked up to other details to deduct the big picture. He’s the upfront tea gathered basically (as opposed to Gang’s shadow tea gathering if you will, they are similar forces but using opposite methods)(also one of em got a licence n the other does not hAH).

~~~~

Now the secrets, all of em have them. One of em at least got the secret of having KILLED Belyy that’s that. But that’s to be kept for later (for if i ever use this story for more than daydream material gfhjgh) bet you can imagine what some of em may be just out of Knowing what i do, from having seen the characters in other contexts, or just because you’re a genius and reading the character profiles immediatly lit up the bulbs in your head forming the perfect theory, props to you, mad genius.

Honestly my thoughts are just how lit of a game that would be, you get to pick one hoe (maybe sum are locked til u find their secrets for juicy purposes) and you do your invetigation using your character’s perks and disadvantages, and maybe there could even be Multiple scenarios and outcomes, to spice it up, give replay value, i just think it’d be a game id spend hours on. tryin to get the spicy details of everyone’s life. walking around n digging through a rich man’s stuff, witnessing the drAMA of people fighting cause they’re locked in with a murderer and that’s stressful ngl. That or a long ass show @ netflix wanna give me a show maybe? give me hella budget we’re making it animated cause im too cultured for live action. 

whatever i make of it though, i hope i can make this story Flourish, just so that i can lay down all those secret backstories i’ve written. i want the satisfaction of throwing out the craziest secret drama between character n seeing peeps loose their minds, it just is a tasty experience.

also i gotta say, i plug the hell out of Clue for an inspo but when i was building the basics of the story my mind immediatly went “oH MY GOD THE VIBES,, THE BACKSTABBING AND tEAMING UP and all,,, its The Genius, that one tv show where peeps have to do the wildest games that require strategy n they’re in that fancy set that looks like a rich ppl mansion oh god the vibes” so yeah, i rewatched the whole first two seasons cause they’re my faves and that had an impact if only minimal in the aesthetic.

Anyway hope that quick presentation gave you a lil taste of the story, and maybe,,,, got you curious,,, craving to learn more like you never did before (im exaggerating the only real question we all got is just “so who’s fuckin with whom then how many of yall secretly dating” this the real deal)

[easyobsession]

DWTS24 Cast Announcement and why Simone Biles won’t win.

Do you feel it? The anticipation, the desire, the lust for shirtless foreign men mixed with the scent of sweat dripping on hardwood?

YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT YOU DO. BECAUSE IT’S TIME FOR ANOTHER SEASON OF OUR FAVORITE SHOW WE LOVE TO RIP APART SINCE THIS IS OUR VERSION OF THE GODDAMN NFL.

IT’S TIME FOR MY RECAP OF THE DWTS SEASON 24 CAST ANNOUNCEMENT. BASK IN MY DISPLAY OF EXCITEMENT VIA CAPS LOCK. HERE WE GO, KIDS.

The Guys

BONNOR BOLTON with pro partner SHARNA BURGESS:

To start us off, like a large portion of the cast this season, especially the males, I have no clue who this person is. Apparently he’s a bull rider and model? Because those two things are commonly associated with each other… Anyway, he looks 12 but apparently is almost thirty. Now, if you remember back to season 8, rodeo cowboy Ty Murray (ex-hubbie of singer Jewel, though they were still married at the time) managed to get to fourth place with Chelsie Hightower. Now I won’t take anything away from Ty, but the competition wasn’t incredibly stiff that year outside of the top 3. That being said, it is possible this Bonnor guy (raise your hand if you’ve ever heard that name before. Me either) could turn out to be the next James Hinchcliffe and shock us all (shoutout to James. We love and adore and miss the hell out of you and Shar. #GetMarried). But I doubt it. My expectations are low. Moving on.

RASHAD JENNINGS with pro partner EMMA SLATER:

Please welcome the latest inductee into the Pro Athletes I’ve Never Heard Of Because They Are In Fact Athletes Club! His bio says he’s a running back in the NFL. Wasn’t Tim Riggins a running back on Friday Night Lights? GO RIGGINS! (Shoutout to everyone in Dillon, Texas. #TexasForever) …That’s it for my football knowledge. But congrats to Emma for getting a partner that isn’t old enough to be her grandfather and is actually in good physical shape. He won’t win, but he sure as hell won’t be as bad as her usual partners. Yahoo!

CHRIS KATTAN with pro partner WITNEY CARSON:

I’m never upset to see Witters. I missed her on the tour. This guy’s turn on SNL was before my time, so I’m 0/3 thus far. I’m gonna make a guess based on physique and just first glance (because I wouldn’t be the Lo you all love if I wasn’t a judgmental asshole) and say he’s gonna suck and be out early. Sorry Wit. Enjoy your time with the troupe.

DAVID ROSS with pro partner LINDSAY ARNOLD:

Again, I’m always happy to see Lindsay. We’re up to 0/5 for my recognition of the males of season 24, and we have our second inductee into the season 24 IDK Athletes Club. My knowledge of baseball is limited to the new FOX show Pitch (watch it. Fall in love with it. Obsess with me and my friendys in the #bawson tag. And yes, that is Mark Paul Gosselaar from Saved By The Bell. Zack Morris is a sexy motherfucker with that beard. #ShamelessPlug) but he seems like a nice guy. Horray for the MLB finally getting someone on the show. Or really, I’m sorry to the MLB for finally getting someone on the show. Moving forward.

MR. T with pro partner KYM HERJAVEC:

I KNOW THIS ONE! YOU GUYS, I KNOW WHO THIS ONE IS. And Kym is using her married name! (BTW, sidenote, I’ve started watching SharkTank and now adore Robert. Just sharing #Sharkaroo) Anyway, I think we all know how this is going to turn out. Lord help us. And I’m already sick of hearing that catchphrase.

NICK VIALL with pro partner PETA MURGATROYD:

Sigh. Yes, I know this one too. First of all, let me say welcome back Peta. We’ve missed you and couldn’t be happier to see you back on our screens. However, I’d rather see her with damn near anyone else but this guy. Am I watching this season of the Bachelor? Hell no, and Nick is the reason why. I didn’t watch his seasons of The Bachelorette- I actually have only seen a handful of seasons, but I’m aware of what’s gone on. And I’m opposed to him being the Bachelor for two reasons: #1. It should’ve been Luke. And #2. He’s a dick. Go ahead and try to convince me otherwise. I’m waiting. He won’t be great, and hopefully he won’t be around long. Sorry Nick, yet again you’ll be sent home with only your hand to console you. BUH-BYE NOW.

The Girls

SIMONE BILES with pro partner SASHA FARBER:

Another sigh. Am I excited she’s on the cast? Yes. Will she do well? Pointless to even answer. Am I excited to see the routines she does and how epic her partnership with Sasha will be? Of course. But I’m 95% sure she won’t win and here’s why: it’s also why I’m upset she’s on this season: they can’t and won’t have two identical winners directly next to each other. Simone isn’t even just a gymnast like Laurie, she was literally on the same team and is damn near a carbon copy. Is that a bad thing in life? Hell no. She’s tiny, adorable, and too precious for planet Earth. Make no mistake, I’m in love with the girl. But Simone winning would be almost an exact repeat of last season, which I do not think TPTB (sorry, I mean “the public voters” O.O) will allow. This is why when directly after the Olympics Simone said she couldn’t do the fall season of the show because of other commitments but would love to do the spring season, I was concerned when they announced Laurie. It’s like when Riker Lynch competed and his sister Rydel (shoutout to R5 for being fucking rockstars. Also, #TeamRallison you are missed) said she’s wanted to do the show for a long time, I said even if her schedule worked out it would have to be several seasons before she competed because having siblings back to back is too similar. So really it’s unfair to Simone and unfair to Sasha as well that she’s competing this season, because it’s an almost guarantee she won’t win despite the fact that we know she’ll be one of the best on the floor. Will she make it to the finale? Of course. But I sincerely doubt she has a real shot at getting the mirrorball.

CHARO with pro partner KEO MOTSEPE:

Okay. I get it. With a lot of the male vets being gone, it makes sense that Keo would get another shot as a pro. Plus, in this scenario whether or not he’s a great teacher doesn’t really matter. Do I know who this woman is? Yes. And…I don’t think I need or want to say much more. Godspeed.

ERIKA JAYNE with pro partner GLEB SAVCHENKO:

The Housewives is actually one of the few reality shows I don’t watch, primarily because I simply don’t have the time. So I have no clue who this woman is. I have a feeling she’ll be similar to Kim Zolciak, who I also did not know during her run in season 21 but quickly fell in love with and still follow on social media to this day. So who knows? I’m open to it and wish her well.

NANCY KERRIGAN with pro partner ARTEM CHIGVINTSEV:

Nope. Don’t know her either. But I remember when poor Dorothy Hamill, another former Olympic skater, back in season 16 was tragically forced to drop out of the competition in week 2 due to injury. Dorothy’s first performance was epic though, and she and Nancy seem somewhat similar in build, so… perhaps this could work well. If nothing else, we know the Olympians know how to train. Again, I wish her luck. Let’s see how this goes.

NORMANI KORDEI with pro partner VAL CHMERKOVSKIY:

I will be honest: of all the members of Fifth Harmony, Normani is not my favorite. She’s actually 4/5 for me, and yes, I still count Camilla. But I’m open to new things. She seems cool. And just because she isn’t my favorite member of Fifth Harmony doesn’t mean I don’t like her, she’s just not my fave. I’m excited to get to know and love her. I think she’ll be great. I look forward to seeing her partnership with Val. I’m good with this.

HEATHER MORRIS with pro partner MAKSIM CHMERKOVSKIY:

OH MY HELL KIDS, HERE WE GODDAMN GO. “Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks?” “Whenever I pray, I fall asleep.” “Mr. Schue, is he your son?” “When I pulled my hamstring I went to a misogynist.” “It’s a male duck.” “I’m pretty sure my cat’s been reading my diary.” “She’s the one they made me talk to when they found out I was keeping that bird in my locker.” IT’S BRITTANY MOTHERFUCKING S. PIERCE. Yes she toured as a dancer with Beyoncѐ. Yes she knows how to not just dance, but slay. Is it fair? Probably not. Do I care? Find my fucks, I dare you. This is my girl, this is my pick, this is it. The end. I’m sorry Simone, honestly I am and I wish to hell you weren’t in such a shitty position, but this is my One. Mic drop. I’m done.

The Troupe and Missing Pros

Again, sorry to see Mark absent, but he’s moved on and seems happy so good for him. I’ll miss Allison like hell and wish both her and Jenna well in whatever they’re doing next and hope to see them return at some point. Meanwhile, I’m popping bottles and toasting because #MANTISLESS24. Make it trend! Watch me work! PS- welcome to the newbies in the troupe. Mama’s spikin’ her Dr. Pepper tonight. YES INDEED!

Predictions

EARLY EXIT/THANKS BUT NO THANKS: Charo, Chris, Mr. T, and possibly Bonnor (he could go middle and surprise us).

MIDDLE OF THE ROAD/AT LEAST YOU TRIED: Nick, possibly David, Nancy, Rashad, possibly Erika (she could go lower. We’ll see if she’s more Nene or Kim).

GOING ALL THE WAY/LOVE ON TOP OF THE LEADERBOARD: Normani, Simone, Heather. Final 3, I’m calling it now. Unless they end up shocking us and letting Simone have it, I’m gonna predict Heather takes the mirrorball, Simone gets second, and Normani lands bronze. I know Amber Riley won back in season 17 and Heather winning would be the second Glee star to win, but I don’t think that matters as much as two Olympians from the same team winning back to back. That’s my prediction as of now.

I’ll be on vacation in DISNEY WORLD (yessir, let’s go Mickey) for the premiere but I will of course check out the routines online that night. I’m coming home Tuesday so within the next day or so I’ll watch the whole show and either write up something for this blog or toss out some tweets. Keep an eye out.

And that’s it! Season 24, it’s on. I thought for quite a while over the break that last season was season 24, so there you go. Big shock, I have no idea what’s going on. What else is new?

Feel free to join the discussion and hit me up on social media which has changed since last season- I am now @lauthom93 on Twitter and Instagram. You can also comment on this post, check out my ask box, or send me a message. I’m always down to talk. :)

You all know what time it is. Say it with me:

Until next time, love, hugs, and inappropriate gestures. <3

I love you guys to all the moons and back.

-LO.