#i mean briefly looking back now its just like ok well thats stupid but i can understand looking in a tag for thing you like to see someone

[lesbianraskolnikov]

my friend got me talking about danganronpa to explain wtf happens and stuff about the ultimate imposter and having to recount everything was ..hmmm... I think its forever funny at the time i was so aspiring to be an animator it was part of my whole Thing i think my self insert WAS an animator if he wasnt 'shsl' and naturally was with the imposter. And we for so long did not think we'd get anymore of the sdr2 guys. no anime no resolution nothing. But then we get a prequel and the imposters closest friend and probably gay lover was the SHSL animator. unfortunately he had to be annoying and cause the ultimate despair but still funny. to me. Because i dont think anyone else is loving the imposter like I Did.

Also remembering the imposter was a complete orphan and him going 'Well i have no other choice but to impersonate people. I hate it but its out of my hands' OKAY.

[bapyess1r]

Amphetamine

WARNINGS: SMUT! , age difference, use of substance, cursing

CHAPTER 5

Sam’s POV

The last kiss from Talia left me with a tight sensation in my pants as I crossed the street to my house. As much as I would’ve loved to bend her over right then and there, I knew I couldn’t. I never had this problem with other women so why was it that this one girl could change that. Like I had some morals… She made me fall for her in only a day and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I sighed as I shuffled back into my home, not bothering to turn off the music that still played softly in the background. I sat on the couch, an extra cup of whiskey sitting before me on the coffee table. “Fuck it.” I said sitting up to grab it and drink it. Jim Beam Apple and soda… it tasted like when we kissed the first time. I groaned as the memory sent a sensation through my chest and my pants tightened once more. I grabbed a cigarette and lit it in hopes to distract myself from the thoughts and the pressure building in me. I was going to let it be but the more I left it alone, the more it started to bother me. I groaned again and let my cigarette hang from my lips. “Okay, okay! Fuck…” I said to myself. I leaned back into my couch and undid my jeans, lifting my hips up to remove them. As I pulled on my boxers, my dick damn near sprung out on its own. I hissed as the fabric graced the tip on its way down. I took a long look at it standing bright pink, painful, and proud. “Just couldn’t control yourself could you….” I lazily grabbed hold of it and began moving my hand up and down. I threw my head back in an attempt to relax, thinking of Talia and how she looked singing tonight. Her curvy body swaying to the music, the sound and tone of her voice, the light in her smile, the swing of her hips as she walked… I let out a shameless moan as smoke exited my nostrils. The ash was falling onto my chest but I didn’t care. I became more and more sensitive as I remembered the feel of her lips on mine, her body wrapped in my arms, her hands running up my chest, tugging on my shirt in a needy fashion, and then I began thinking of all the things I wished I could’ve done to her. My hips bucked from the sensation and I picked up the pace. I stomped my foot with a hard grunt the closer I brought myself to climax. I ran my fingers through my hair with my free hand and let it rest on the back of the couch as I went. My knee was bouncing impatiently as that burning feeling in the pit of my stomach began to swell. My skin was beginning to heat up. “God damn…” I whispered as my thoughts drifted to bending her over the counter, ramming into her until she cried out. With a low growl, I picked up the pace and I twitched in my hands. “Woah!” I shouted as I released into the air, making an absolute mess of myself. “Fuck…” I huffed, relaxed now that I’d relieved myself. Without thinking, I shed myself of my shirt, and cleaned up my surroundings.

I was fine for now but I wasn’t sure how much longer I could last around Talia without scooping her into my arms and taking her to my bed. But for now, I had to settle for flirting and some cheeky kisses. ‘Not until she’s ready.’ I thought, finishing the last of the whisky soda. I stood up to turn off the music and lights in the house, shuffling to my room as I kicked off my boots. I fell flat onto the large plush bed and sighed, drifting off to sleep.

Talia’s POV

I woke up the next morning with a pounding headache, my mouth tasting like isopropyl. My best friend wrapped around my arm like I was gonna go somewhere. ‘I guess she really did miss me.’ I chuckled, trying to sit up without rocking the boat in my head. I slapped the side of Anna’s cheek lightly, telling her to get up. “Why?! What happened?!” She whined sitting up.

“I’m starving, let’s go eat…” I said.

“Can we get pollo loco? I really want some…” she asked, stretching and wiping the drool off her face.

“Yeah, yeah….” I nodded in a hushed tone, rushing to get dressed for some reason. I tried really hard to put the pieces of last night back together. After the performance, I couldn’t remember a thing. “Do you remember anything about last night?” She responded with a smile.

“Heeellll yeah I remember some things… and some thangs.” She wiggled her eyebrows and threw her hair up in a messy bun. “ I was hanging out with Marcel- that beautiful chocolate man- Louie was with Jules playin bean bag and then you and Sam went to join and play teams, theeennnnn……” she gave me a wicked grin.

“Please tell me I didn’t strip…” I whined. I knew I could get kinda crazy when I was under the influence.

“You would’ve had your tongue not been shoved down Sam’s throat.” She grabbed her face and blushed for me. That’s when I remembered…

“Shit. We did kiss… aaagghhh!” I cried falling backwards into my bed. “Do you think he hated it?”

“From the look on his face, he far from hated it, girl. You’re ok.” She said tapping my arm. “Sooo you gonna pursue Mr. Samuel Drake?” She asked in a dreamy tone. Honestly, I wasn’t sure. I thought maybe he’d want someone with their life put together. Or a bit older…

“What do you think?” I asked her.

“Honestly… I think you should. I mean he’s different from your usual type but it’s the good kind of different. And… God. It’s like he’s got something you need… I don’t know what it is but I’m sure you’ll figure it out along the way. Even though I’ve just met him and you’ve just met him, the way he looks at you… the way he treats you… And he’s certainly one of the better looking ones-”

“You tryna say I date ugly muh fuckers-”

“Um, no bitch, I’m telling you you’ve dated some ugly muh fuckers and THATS the tea.” she said in a matter of fact tone causing me to crack up. “Listen. I say go for it. It’s early days- yes- but be headstrong about it. And don’t change for him. Be unequivocally you. Because you deserve someone who loves you like that.”

“Aww fren!” I exclaimed, throwing my arms around her tightly before getting up to shower.

“Can I shower after you?” she asked, walking towards my dresser to rummage through my tee shirts. “Also can I steal a shirt?”

“Yeah girl.” I answered, closing the door.

After we showered and got dressed, we greeted my Godfamily and headed out about our day. Both Godparents were off this weekend and I didn’t wanna get in the way of core family time. Also, Anna and I had several things to do within two days' time. We threw on our shades as we walked to my blue Jeep, enjoying the morning sunshine and breeze. “Fuck I’m nauseous and I’m starving…” I groaned as it suddenly hit me.

“Wanna smoke? We can hot box the Jeep like we used to.” she said searching through her bag and pulling out a pack of rolling papers.

“Anais Long… How’d you know I had some on me?” I chuckled, speeding up our walk to the car.

“Bitch I’m not stupid! I saw you tuck it in there!” she laughed, running after me.

In a matter of minutes, we were sitting in the Jeep, staring at the sky through the sunroof as Siouxsie Sioux played softly in the background through the radio.

“What do you wanna do today?” I asked her as a flock of seagulls flew overhead.

“I really wanna go to the beach…” she answered, sitting up to ash the blunt to me.

“The beach sounds...fine.” My voice trailed off as I was distracted by Sam headed to the docks for his morning cigarette. His muscular body clad in a white tank top and gray sweatpants. A tattoo I hadn’t seen before was exposed on his left shoulder. Anna looked up with a gasp, lowering her glasses to get a better look.

“Very fine indeed...” she said sitting forward, almost choking on the smoke. “How big do you think he is?” She asked impulsively and I cackled, punching her in the arm.

“Jesus Christ, girl!” I giggled like a little school girl as I watched him take a seat and start on his first cigarette, repeatedly looking back at the gate behind him; like he was waiting for someone…

“Oh my god, is he looking for you? GIRL HE’S LOOKING FOR YOU!” she said undoing my seatbelt.

“What are you doing?!” I chuckled.

“Well you’re not just gonna sit in here and let him look like a lost puppy. You have to go out there!” she said reaching over me and opening the door as best as she could with her short arms. “Go bitch!”

“And leave you by yourself?”

“Yes bitch leave me by myself and go get your man!” She said rather enthusiastically.

I took a deep breath as that wave of nervousness crashed over me, even more so now that we’ve kissed. “Be strong bitch!” She told me and I nodded to leave.

I hopped out of the van and walked over. The gate startled me as I opened it up, pulling on my crop top nervously, I shuffled over and sat down without saying a word. “You know normal people say ‘Good morning.’” I heard his deep voice say as I fidgeted with the fringe on the hole of my baggy jeans.

“Sorry. I’m just really high.” I excused and he belted a cute little laugh.

“Wake n’ bake huh?”

“Yeah…. wanna come?” I asked, staring at him. He pouted his bottom lip and nodded.

“I don’t have any plans for the day. Why not?” He stood up suddenly offering me a hand. I took it and with a simple flex of the arm he pulled me up with ease. A bolt of attraction shot through me as I looked up at him. Most of the guys I dated couldn’t lift me up for more than ten seconds and he did it so easily. I couldn’t just sit and stare... I had to say something.

“I like your tattoo.” I said, actually able to get a good look at it. It was a hand of card with Lucky written on a banner beneath it.

“Thanks. I got it in prison.” he smirked, heading for the gate.

“Prison?!” I exclaimed.

“Yeah. Comes with some bad memories and what not.” he said trying to shrug it off. I could tell it bothered him though. Briefly, I stopped to look him in his hazel eyes.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.” I said. He gave me a warm smile and stroked my cheek.

“You’re the sweetest.” he told me and I led him to the jeep where Anna was waving like a crazy person. He popped open the back door and slid in with a grin to greet Anna.

“Good morning, handsome!” she cooed, laying it on thick for me.

“Hiya, sweetheart! Hope this Florida weather is treating you right.” he said, closing the door behind him. He slouched a bit to get comfortable.

“Oh, I love it,” she replied. “We were actually just talking about hitting the beach.”

“Ah, now that’s an idea.” he said, taking a smooth hit and acknowledging the quality of the blunt. “Even better idea: I have a boat.” he said with a slight cough as he exhaled.

“Shut the fuck up- do you really?!” Anna became ten times more excited than she already was. He nodded with a big smile.

“If you want, you could make a day of it. I’ll take you to the boardwalk.” He said, winking at me.

“YES PLEASE!” Anna squealed.

“Talia? What say you?” he asked, seeking my permission. Then I had an idea myself.

“One condition… you’re coming with us.” I said with a mischievous grin, taking the blunt between my lips. He raised an intrigued thick brow before returning the smile.

“Sounds like a deal. I’ll call up Marcel. I’m sure there’s still some food and booze left over from last night.”

“You still wanna drink?” I said looking surprised. “Old man like you still tryna kick it.”

“Listen I’m only 42. I can hang, alright.” he chuckled.

“42 THE FUCK WHERE?!” Anna exclaimed, hanging over the passenger seat. “YOU LOOK 30!”

“You’re too kind, please! Keep talkin’.” He smirked as Anna took her hit.

“Well, we need to stop and get her swimsuit from the hotel.” I said, as I watched them exchange the blunt.

“Okay. That gives me a bit of time to get everything ready. Maybe grab some ice for the cooler-”

“I got it. Don’t worry about that.” Anna nodded.

“Alright then! Well, I guess I should get started. See you ladies in an hour?”

“More than enough time.” she smiled at him.

“I love how you two just planned my whole day for me.” I chuckled, turning in my seat to start the jeep. I rolled the windows down as he got out and he stopped at my window, brushing his hand against my arm gently.

“Be safe driving, okay?” he said, quite vulnerably actually. My breathing hitched and I nodded my head as I stared into his bright eyes. He smiled kindly and patted the hood of the car to send me off before walking towards his house, lighting another cigarette.

I turned my head to back out, just to be met with Anna's large ‘tarded smile.

“God you’re such a crackhead.” I chuckled as she danced in her seat.

“He likes you, he likes you!” she sang, making me laugh. And she continued. “He likes yo booty, he wanna touch it-”

“OH MY GOD!” I screamed in laughter as we started for the hotel.

[thelastarchangelaskblog]

About Death

A more somber conversation between Tony and Zira while the group is traveling after having picked up Clint.

Tony & Zira’s Chat                                              Charcoal as Breakfast

Tony & Rhodey’s Chat                                       Tony & Luna

Tony & Rhodey Compile a List                           Clint & Tony

The Trouble with Two Tonys                              Rhodey & Bob(Tim)

Rhodey & Bob(Tony)

Rhodey & Zira (and Tony)

DJ & Zira

DJ & Tony

Rhodey & DJ

**

(Read more.)

Clint's still sleeping in the back of the cart. Tony's bored; there's not much for him to do here aside from also sleep (which is boring), poke around the supplies (which he already did before), or look through his books for some research. And, quite frankly, he's not up to doing any research after everything that happened. He kind of wants to talk to DJ but DJ's not in the back of the cart. Tony somehow got stuck with hanging out with the injured half-elven failed bodyguard and now Clint is absolutely no company at all. So... He glances outside, considers the pace of the cart, and then decides to just jump for it.

It...doesn't go very well, seeing as how there were unexpected rocks right outside, and instead of the smooth landing he expected he hit the rocks and went head over heels.

Several times. By the end he's left staring up at the sky questioning all his life choices and then some.

Zira: ...Tony?

Tony: ...

Zira: ...why?

Tony: (sits up, rubs the back of his neck) Sometimes you need to run before you can walk.

Zira just squints.

Zira: That’s not how that works at all. You gotta walk before you run or stuff like...this happens.

Tony: Okay, in all fairness, there was no running involved and just very sharp, pointy rocks.

Zira: I.. can see that. Are you ok?

Tony: I'm just fine.

Tony grimaces, but he's still sitting.

Zira: Hm. Not that I don’t trust you, but I don't trust you, and I don't believe you. Why don't you try walking?

Tony: Entirely fair; I wouldn't believe me either. I will try walking just as soon as I think of a suitable punishment for these rocks.

Zira sighs, and steps out. She has a thing of papers clutched in her hand. She goes down and reaches her hand out

Zira: Rocks can't be punished. They don't feel pain and they can't be awakened.

Tony: Sure they can. You just bludgeon them into submission.

Zira: Hm.

Tony: But if I did that here then there'll probably be nothing left.

Zira still has her hand out.

Tony: (sighs) Okay, up we go. Time for walking.

Tony takes her hand.

Zira: Up and at ‘em, I guess.

And when she reaches out with her other hand to help you up, she notices the papers in her hand again. Her face contorts, and she stuffs the papers into her back pocket like they're hot before helping Tony to his feet.

Tony: Thanks. (He tilts his head.) You okay?

Tony pats himself down, grimacing as he touches his back.

Zira: Is anyone ever ok? We're all rotting away and eventually. Eventually… I don't know. Are you?

Tony: ...Rotting away apparently. (shakes head): Er, forget I said that. I'm fine. As fine as can be.

Zira: As you get older the rotting gets faster.

Zira sighs.

Zira: And that’s not something to say to people, because people don’t like hearing about their inevitable ends.

Tony: ...no, not really. Though let's make a small deal?

Zira: Deal?

Tony: Yeah, nothing big.

Zira: Hm. State your terms.

Tony: You can hit me with that kind of talk all you want. I don't mind. But you probably shouldn't talk to strangers like that. It leads to really weird looks and people backing away slowly.

Zira: I don't understand that. Who raised them? It’s important to be aware of death, and to be comfortable, or at least at peace with it. They’re just. Running from something that can't be escaped.

When she says that specifically - “running from something that can't be escaped” - she looks. Well. Afraid. Pensive, maybe.

Tony looks at her thoughtfully, then slowly starts ambling after the cart, which has moved further away from them at this point.

Tony: Death's a little funny like that. I mean...no one likes thinking about the day when they'll inevitably bite the dust. It's disturbing for them. So while adults - and I guess some kids, too, depending on how their parents handle it because telling someone their pet went to a far off mountain for rehabilitation is not handling it well--

Tony: Um, moving on.

Tony: Anyway, people are aware of death, but it doesn't mean they like hearing about it. It's one of the odd things about people. And sometimes it's just better to roll along with what people expect than to kick up that anthill. And at the end...I guess we meet it? Or don't meet it. We're all different like that.

Zira: ... to a mountain? Thats stupid. When something dies it dies. Maybe it wasn't fast enough to get away and then. Then everyone just has to deal with that. Is it easier if you don't know if someone died? If they just. Don't show up one day. And i can meet death. I can. I just don't like what comes before it. It hurts.

Tony: I don't know. I guess some people might think so. And apparently some people don't know how to explain what death is. ...You look pretty alive to me for someone who apparently died.

Tony's looking at her askance, face blank.

Zira: Oh no. They didn't want to waste a revivify. So they just got a close as possible. The dark is a comfort, so im not afraid of death. I  just want more time

Tony: I think dying's easy. It's life that's painful. And it's life that hurt you, Zira.

Zira: And its stupid to want more of it. It’s cowardly, to not be able to face death without wishing for more. You have to accept it, and do all in your power to--

She kinda stops herself. Her hand goes back to the paper in her pocket

Zira: But the mission isn’t everything anymore.

Tony: Everyone wants something; and I think everyone has regrets. Regrets for what should have happened; regrets for what they didn't get to do because time ran out faster than they expected... (He looks pained.) It's not cowardly. It's...human. (He shrugs.). And we've all got a little bit of human in us. Though perhaps I shouldn't say human. Let's just go with mortal.

Zira: Mortal. Yes. I want more time.

Zira’s hand spasms around the paper shes grabbed. She pulls it out and glances down at it

She looks over it like she’s read it a million times before, and is just reminding herself that it’s there.

Zira: ...what would you consider a loss?

Tony presses his lips together, looking ahead to the cart.

Tony: DJ. Rhodey.

Zira: I see.

Tony: It's not just death, though. It's...well...loss is losing something. You can lose something without it dying.

Zira: like if they left. Or you left them.

Tony nods.

Zira: I understand. I’m glad you're ok.

And she spins around and walks back around the cart. Her movements are jerky, in the fashion of someone who is planning each step

Tony: Hey, Zira.

She pauses but doesn’t look back. Her shoulders hunch

Tony: It's okay to not be okay. Do I look okay to you?

Zira: You seem. Afraid. Like you’re running too. Lost.

Tony: (smiles wryly) Yeah, sure. But right now. Do I look okay?

She glances over her shoulder, hesitant.

Zira: You fell... Pretty spectacularly.

Tony grins briefly.

Tony: Yeah, I did.

Zira: But I feel whatever is nipping at your heels is much farther away than you think, and not all of us have that luxury.

And she doesn’t storm off, but she definitely is kind of agitated, and has fled the conversation.

Tony (sighs): (mutters) It might not be as far away as you think. 

Tony: (to himself) I'm not okay either. Damn it, DJ.

[sammywilk-imaginations]

Live Stream (Kian Lawley)

(Y/N pov) I feel a vibration in my pocket and pull out my phone

kianlawley started a live video

I smile and slide over the notification opening my phone with my finger print, just to see my goofball of a boyfriend on the screen. “Y/N’s on the livestream, heeyyyyyy” his voice comes through my phone.

“Hi kian, why are you live? You never go live.” I type into the rapidly flowing comment section. I see Kian set his phone down and start to stare at the comments.

“Hi…why are you…” I hear him mumble under his breath, he’s reading my comment.

Since I’m verified and we follow each other, it’s quite easy for him to pick out my comment from the other 191,738.

“Because I want to Y/N, DO SUMMTHIN BOUT IT!” He says in a silly tone making weird hand gestures. I can see him holding back a smile

“Alright guys what should I do on here?” “A challenge, a dareee, read a buuuhhhk, show ya some baybee pictures” kian says in a few of those funny voices he does “ooohh wait actually look at this, it’s a picture of me and my baby” he takes a pause to hold up the picture of us on our one year anniversary “is she still on here?” He questions focusing on the comments

“Aww my love, you look dashing😻” I type rapidly, a wide smile on my face

“Not as beautiful as you babe” kian says smiling “ALRIGHT WHAT SHOULD I DO??” He says while clapping his hands loudly once.

“Siiiinnngggg” I comment, I know that’ll get him mad. He hates when people ask him to sing

As he’s reading all the comments he says “No Jc’s not home I can’t do that, no Y/N isn’t here she’s literally watching the live *chuckle*, NO EVERYBODY I cannot pull any pranks I’m home alone right now!” He says once he catches the trend of the comments. Then mine comes across the screen, I can tell he sees it when his eyes widen “Oh geez” he exclaims “why the fuck would you comment that babe” he says rubbing his face with the palms of his hands

Then the comments start rolling in, “sing sing sing” “omg yesss kian sing” “DADDY SING FOR ME👅😩” “we love your voice c'mon :( for us😚??” “THANK YOU Y/N, YALL ARE CUTE ASF BTW”

“Okay okay okay, I hate Y/N for this. I’m just kidding I love her” he says grabbing the phone and holding the camera so we could see from his face down to his torso.

“Don’t be afraid baby :) I and almost 200,000+ people are cheering you on rn! <3” I type into the phone, he sees it right away and sighs. I can tell his anxiety is kicking in.

“Ok guys I’m gonna put the camera facing the ceiling because I don’t want y'all to see my face… haha” he says “gosh I can’t believe I’m doing this” he says under his breath “I’m gonna sing like a quick excerpt of a song because I am leaving in about 10 minutes….” he drags off He’s coming over to my place.

“Ok guysss,” he starts as he places the camera down so the only view is a snippet of his brown locks. I hear him take a deep breath, so low you had to be reeeeaaalllyyyy listening to hear it. The sound of him gulping water went through the speakers briefly, he clears his throat and starts

“Our friends would all make fun of us and we’ll just laugh along because we know that none of them have felt this way, ooooohhhhhhh it’s what you do to meeeeee. Ooooooohhhh what you do to me….” he drags on the last note (video here: https://kiannrobertlawley.tumblr.com/post/171443695497/hes-singing-again)

All positive comments rolling in, “omg I didn’t know he could sing that well!!” “THATS SO FUCKING HOTTTTTTT” “THANK THE LORD FOR KIAN LAWLEY” etc.

Kian moves the phone back up to its standing position. His cheeks are flushing red.

I decide to text him rather than comment To, My babykian😍: “Hey baby I just wanted to let you know that your voice is beautiful and you blessed my ears love, ❤️❤️you’re so talented. Love you!! Had to say this NOT in front of 200,000 people lol”

I go back to the live to see that Kian has paused it, right then I get a text back

From, My babykian😍: “thank u baby❤️ that means the most comin from u😚✌🏼, I was so fucking nervous 😂 I don’t sing like that, ever.”

Kian then after a few seconds proceeds with the live, responding to a few fan comments, thanking them, etc.

I decide to comment anyways “That was amazing my dear, and blush looks good on you ;). NOW COME OVER SO I CAN KISS YOU” I comment

Kian sees my comment and chuckles, “yea guys I do actually have to go now, I hope you liked that because I’m not doing that EVER AGAIN” he exclaims

“It’s alright y'all I’ll make him do it again ;)” I quickly type, all the comments agreeing with me/thanking me.

“Alright I love you all and I’ll try to do this live thing again soon but now I’m gonna go see my baby” kian says

“Love you my sweet boy, drive safe!” I comment lastly

“I will Y/N, alright everyone thanks for watching me be stupid for a few minutes, love you guyssssssssssss…” kian says as he ends the broadcast. Leaving me with the brightest smile on my face, that boy really is something special.

My phone then vibrates, a text from kian.

From, My babykian😍: “I’m expecting a serious reward upon my arrival 😏” I read

Ohhh boy.

[tumblunni]

It was also a really disordered panicky dream with a lot of stuff that didn't fit into that semi coherent narrative. I guess just a mashup of all my stress from yesterday? The misc things:

* suddenly briefly was starring as myself in the regular non jrpg version of my dad's kitchen which was kinda scarier. It was that recurring horrible situation where he'd go out for the weekend and I'd get PEACE AND HAPPINESS AND BEING NOT HIT AS MUCH and then I'd be completely on edge waiting for the sound of him opening the door

But also this time I think I was watching some sort of scary thing on the television? I don't think it was the cyborg ferrets dream but I got the feeling it was whatever dream I had before that one, and that I'd forgotten parts of this big ol scary sleep session. Cannot remember ANY details of it tho, its just like a big empty void with 'you will be scared of this' written there. And I dunno, maybe something about the mid 2000s TV magician David Blaine?? Which might be because an episode of a mystery show that focused on stage wizards was like the biggest nightmare of my childhood. My other abusive grandma was being stupidly neglectful and had the whole family sit down to watch Johnathan Creek every night as a family. I'm only just realizing how fucked up that is as an adult! Its not only full of horrible murders but also a surprising amount of sex scenes, eurrgh. And loaaads of racism and homophobia like seriously Britain why u gotta be so fucked up. Anyway there was an episode of someone dying in THE MOST GORY WAY by being split it half by a buzzsaw LENGTHWISE THROUGH THE CROTCH during a failed magician trick, and then her partner stealing her identity and pretending it was her who died and then like.. Stealing her children too?? And they didn't even know this wasn't their mom until asshole racist detective man reveals to them that nope your mom is horrible sexualized deadness and this is the lady who did it. And somehow its sympathetic to her and she keeps the damn kids?? Like, the death being an accident = makes sense not to blame her, but HIDING THE DEATH AND STEALING HER IDENTITY IS KINDA FUCKED UP

Anyway in that dream snippet dad came home and I was worried he'd be mad at me for watching scary movies but he suddenly got all detective himself and was like 'aha there's a secret message hidden in the binary code for the mpeg file hmm hmm yes we should use dish soap on the aliens'

And then it just went back to the aliens dream and now I knew what to do??

* there was also a REALLY EEALLY CREEPY totally unrelated segment where a bunch of east Asian people where being kept in some sort of human farm??? Like reservations and segregation taken to an even worse extent. Why was this in my dream?? It was just like twenty minutes of getting attached to this poor family and then finding out they were trapped in a creepy 'wildlife sanctuary' set up by white people and like.. Having to pretend to be dumb animals while they secretly planned their escape and just YO, DREAM, I AM WHITE AS FUCK, I DONT HAVE THE RIGHT TO HAVE THIS DREAM. Any other sort of sci fi dystopia human farm situation yeah maybe, but not a crushingly realistic one because LITERALLY THERE WERE ACTUAL 'HUMAN ZOOS' FOR SLAVES. God, history is scarier than nightmares.

Uncomfortable.

And it had a really depressing ending where only the eldest daughter managed to escape and THE GRANDMA DIED and just god I don't wanna see any of this. I think it was vaguely inspired by the previous dream cos that Johnathan creek mystery show had a really racist protagonist. But like.. God

Dream-me, there's no constructive point to a story about racism awareness that just shows everyone dying and no hope and also its a sci fi fantasy thing so racists can easily deny its remotely grounded in reality and thus never actually change. And seriously 'racism story for the racists' is such an overdone cliche, Jesus Christ.. I feel like such a fuck that this stupid ass thing appeared in my goddamn dream *shudder*

* And the only impact that part of the dream had on any of the rest was that I apparently unlocked that protagonist as a skin?? Like literally suddenly a character select screen in my jrpg aliens dream. Apparently she was like the original guildmaster or something and that's why everyone disrespected pacman, cos he was the new replacement. So like.. She noped so hard out of racism dream that she landed in alien dream and apparently had a long and successful career as a jrpg space marine. Well at least thats mildly a more optimistic ending?

* A COMPLETELY UNRELATED DREAM AGAIN which was like the symbol of how much I miss my baby sister that I never got to see again after I left my abusive parents. I was playing as someone or other who had to look after a little sister and I think I was at a post apocalyptic version of Glastonbury music festival??? (I guess cos my grandma lived near there??)

And I just remember I had to take the lil sis to the bathroom but when I opened each porta potty it was everything except a bathroom. The closest I managed to get was this non euclidean structure of chrome sinks and nothing else, just a wall of sinks fused together like Tetris blocks.

So somehow I found one door in the infinite line of inter dimensional porta potties that led to Lockerroom Panic Memories. Ah, the horror of being a young in-denial trans kid not even knowing why you feel terrified changing in the girls room. :(

So yeah thankfully it was all empty and I mean I'm an adult now so its not the same sort of scary. It was just like that hallway from willy wonka where it keeps getting smaller until you get trapped. But eventually we did manage to find the door to the gym, and then back into the main school building where we could find the bathrooms.

And then I realised that all this time my baby sister was 5 centimetres tall and inside a block of butter (???) and it was like those grows-in-water toys??? So I was like 'darn I should have stuck with the sink wall' cos this one was a wall of only toilets.

Then I woke up.

So overall I didn't wake up in a panic cos my weird nightmare decided to end on a funny note?? Well OK then???

Anyway I need 2 try and get back 2 sleepe

[lordnochybaty]

Black Sails Baseball AU Not!Fic

My friend @leavesatanalone insists I should share with you the not fic I wrote for her when she asked about the BS baseball AU. I’m doing this to prove my point, which is basically “no one will care, I shall keep on just telling you my not!fics”.

Reposted from the chat with minor editions, mostly cutting down my rambling and spacing it out in more readable form.

@leavesatanalone: black sails baseball au go

@lordnochybaty : all i know about baseball is that it has nice tight outfits XD

but now you made me think of my fave baseball movie and i am imagining james being a grumpy ass coach for a female team during the war silver is possibly team agent helper who tries to sell it cause it was his crazy idea, and few respect him, cause it's a common gossip that he found an excuse not to go to war cause he's a coward

james is grumpy and depressed as fuck because his beautiful lover thomas went to war, though he was not made for it by far and he died

james was either discharged because of their affair or he did something stupid trying to protect saved affair or he got hurt while playing baseball and couldn't

((somehow john does lose a leg during the story and the pain of the angst is how he tried to avoid getting hurt for a cause so he got hurt for nothing or for a smaller cause, idk, maybe he was protecting the girls or got in the accident while trying to watch out for them or some shit like this there's a very emotional scene when it's brought up and john and james talk about how great cause never mattered for john, but apparently, he can get attached enough to make his friends his cause))

girls play baseball and deal with weird antics of everyone. Miranda joins in and there's tension between her and james but she's all I WILL NOT BE PUT ASIDE TO DROWN IN My GRIEF

James angsts when one of the girls gets a message that her hubby died in the war, because a) it brings up memories b) there's something super sad about the fact he cant even properly honestly grieve his own love. He and Miranda possibly get very drunk that night.

Jack is a reporter trying to make this into a story worth selling, he also convinces Silver that for him to take it, they need to take Anne on the team. because anne wants to play baseball. anne is rude to fans and standoffish to teammates, but she's the best player and through a weird twist of fate and how fans work she is one of the faves among the public/audience. jack feels weird about it and that's even before he learns anne is getting involved with max

the team is... how big should the baseball team be? *brb* ok, at least nine. i mean nine playing plus some changes i guess, so: miranda, anne, max, eleanor, madi, abigail, idelle, eme, charlotte, mary and uh, i guess thats all the girls. eleanor would be permanently benched cause she was supposed to be there to make her family look good, how all of them put their efforts for wartime but she wants to play and flint likes her and she’s good, so he let’s her play

(also it might be her hubbie who dies, that would hit flint harder and fuck woodes rogers anyway)

then peter takes abigail out of the team when he comes back from the war. he is a shit who got mildly hurt and had some super-safe duties (as safe as possible i mean) and generally he probably just had some administrative work and possibly just in england or a different part of us. It’s another angst point, because by then Abigail and Miranda are falling for each other.

Anyway, they get succesful and all. james starts getting more into silver, though possibly they havent hook up yet. miranda misses abigail. like seriously misses her, mostly because she had a bright spot in her recently really dark and angsty life and now it's been taken away and they all stay in some hotel/rented house, preparing for a game and Charlotte comes to Miranda and says she doesn't want to disturb her but there's someone for her downstairs and miranda thinks briefly maybe it's abigail? maybe she run from home, maybe...

BUT IT'S THOMAS

Because shit like this can get messed up in the war and he comes back and he's a bit hurt but he's fine. and they hug and everyone wishes them well, but they’re all scared cause they just have 9 players now so if miranda quits... and surely her husband wouldn’t let her play, right?

and one of the girls might run for their coach and james is all: what are you talking about and then he sees thomas and miranda is all "we should talk in private".

and they go into james' room and the girls are all "well, shit, now for sure she's quitting"

but john, who is totally responsible for halfway accidentaly finding thomas (he was talking to jack in the newspaper hq when he heard someone talking about some story about a mishup in the records and how few "dead" soldier are about to come back and he took a look at the list and then got thomas to his wife and james) he says to the girls that its not as obvious as this and perhaps it all will be fine

and there's reunion

and then thomas is at the stands watching the final game

and then the league is supposed to close and john wants to slip away but james stops him and asks him to stay with them

and they all happy and move to a huge house, though miranda and john often leave for the baseball seasons

and one day miranda comes back with abigail who finally run from home and rejoined the team

and they all live happily ever after

the end

[sincelight]

I'm A Little Awkward, But Most People Like Me

Pairing: Yixing/Baekhyun Rating: pg-13 Genre: online friendship? 

Summary: Baekhyun's a little awkward, spends too much time reading smutty gay fanfiction, and doesn't think twice before flying across the country to meet his favorite author.

He’s staring at the screen, the little line blinking, taunting him. He wants to say something. Anything. But what? Is it weird if he just gushes? Can he do that? Hi you don’t know me but I love ur fics and ur a great writer and i think i love you please be my friend. He quickly backspaces. “Definitely can’t send that.”

He lets his head fall onto his desk and pouts. “Come on Baekhyun, you’re a people person, you’re great at making friends. Just say hi.” He takes the bit of courage his little pep talk gives him and hurries to type something, not going back to reread it because he knows he’ll just backspace it all again. He lets out his held breath after hitting send and then hurries to exit out of the site, shutting his laptop and pushing it away from himself. It’s late and he should get to bed anyway, he has work in the morning.

He hates the sound of his alarm. It’s too loud. Each time it goes off, every five minutes for a half-hour straight, he silences it and forces himself not to cry into his pillow. He briefly wonders why his life can’t be like Kai’s in xingie’s latest fic. Why wasn’t he born into a rich family, with the luxury of never having to work a day in his life? He sighs, swings his legs over the edge of the bed and stands.

After getting ready it’s a short walk to work, too short. He looks up at the building, the glass window with the stupid purple coffee mug smiling down at him, and is disappointed that, once again, it hasn’t burned down overnight. The sound of the bell chiming when he opens the door annoys him, but one annoyance is quickly replaced with another when his manager, Junmyeon, marches up to him with that overly happy smile on his face.

“You’re late. Again.”

Baekhyun continues walking, thinking that if he ignores him he’ll go away. But Junmyeon only follows behind him, much too close.

“Third time this week, Baek. You need to be—“

“I know, Junmyeon,” he sighs as he ties his apron around his waist. “I know.” Junmyeon gives him a look, the one he uses when customers are being unreasonable, but doesn’t say anything more. “I’ll be on time tomorrow.”

He’s left alone after that to work. This part of his job he can handle, making coffee is something he’s always enjoyed. Plus, the sounds of the machines drown out potential conversations his coworkers might be tempted to have with him. On more than one occasion he’s turned the blender on specifically to drown out whatever nonsense Sehun was spewing, that kid seems to never stop talking. He’s cute, but god damn.

His first order of the day is a mocha latte and he smiles to himself. It reminds him of a fic by xingie he’d read not too long ago; the main character worked in a coffee shop and his super cute, much too flirty regular always ordered a mocha latte everyday. He’s torn from his daydream when he realizes he’s spilling milk all over the counter and it’s pouring onto the front of his apron. He curses under his breath, quickly grabbing a rag to wipe up his mess. Maybe if xingie actually replies to him he can tell him how he made a mess at work daydreaming about one of his steamy sex scenes from his coffee shop fic. He smiles.

“Why are you smiling like that?” Sehun’s voice calls suddenly, much too close to him. “You’re happy you just spilled milk all over yourself?” Baekhyun shoots Sehun a quick glare and then turns on the empty blender.

By the time he gets to sit down for his lunch break he’s ready to go home. His feet hurt and he looks like he pissed himself and he really just wants to finish the chaptered fic he’d started the night before. He sips from his coffee mug and looks to the clock on the wall above him. Fifteen minutes, thats enough time to at least get in half a chapter. So he pulls his phone out and quickly loads up the site, tapping on his subscriptions and smiling to himself.

It’s been a long read. He’s spent most of his free time for the better part of a week reading this fic. It’s by xingie, so of course it’s amazing, but this one. This one is it. This one is everything Baekhyun’s been looking for in a fic. He’s cried twice, gotten so angry at the main character he’s slammed his laptop shut, and had to stop reading to masturbate once. Okay, twice. Okay, it was three times, but xingie just knows how to write some good sex. Baekhyun pouts, he wishes he was having good sex. He sighs, rolls his eyes and refocuses. Ten minutes, start reading, he tells himself.

He’s just about to get to the part where Kai finally, finally, confesses to the short, big-eyed boy of his dreams when someone kicks his foot. He holds his breath to keep a shout in, because he’d rather not get in trouble. So he settles for an annoyed, “What?” Junmyeon doesn’t speak, just holds his wrist up to tap at the face of his watch. Oh, Baekhyun thinks, my break ended twenty minutes ago. He throws a charming smile Junmyeon’s way as he scrambles to his feet and rushes back to work.

He groans the entire walk home. Junmyeon had sat him down after work to explain to him the importance of punctuality. Sure, he drowned most of it out, but still annoying nonetheless. He unlocks his door and steps inside, “I’m not a child,” he pouts.

His apartment is small, but he has a cat so it’s okay. And, just like everyday, Socks the cat is sleeping in a little furry ball, curled up on the tattered old couch his friend Taehyung gave him as a move in gift. He curls up in a similar ball around Socks and pulls his phone out to finally finish what he’d started at work. “Alright Kai, lets see you finally admit your feelings.”

The message notification is a little unexpected, no one ever messages him. And then he remembers his half-asleep, 3am message to xingie.

From xingie: Hey, thanks for the message! I’m glad you’re enjoying my fics… it’s kinda cool to get like, fan mail. I’ve actually noticed you’ve left me a few comments before so thanks for that! Hope to hear back from you!

Baekhyun stares at his phone, rereads the message a few times, and then screeches into the couch cushion. Socks gets up and gives him a dirty look before rearranging himself at the opposite end of the couch. “Sorry,” he says, then hops up to sit cross-legged. “What do I say back?” he speaks aloud, looking at his reflection in his dark tv screen. “How do I reply without sounding creepy?”

From dontcallmebacon: Wow, okay. I kinda didn’t expect you to reply to me. I figured you must get a lot of messages because your fics are so good. Um, I don’t really know what to say now. I almost sent you a message yesterday telling you I think I love you, but I didn’t. I really love your last fic, Coffee House. I’m almost finished reading it right now. I got in trouble at work today trying to read instead of working. So thats your fault lol. Anyway, thanks for replying!

He hits send without thinking and immediately regrets. “Oh my god, I’m such a fucking creeper.”

From dontcallmebacon: Also I’m sorry for how creepy that message probably came out I literally just rambled on accident. I promise I’m not usually this awkward.

After this, they end up chatting regularly. Xingie, Baekhyun learns, is actually really cool. They eventually exchange Tumblr information and begin following each other. Messaging there is just much easier, and a lot faster. Baekhyun may or may not stalk through Xingie’s blog, trying to find pictures to put a face to the name. He’s cute, he’s really cute. Like, holy hell what a time to be alive and gay, please Jesus let him be gay, kinda cute. He spends only a very reasonable hour digging deeper to find more pictures, learning his name is Yixing and that he’s not only cute but he’s sexy as hell when he wants to be. Baekhyun may or may not totally save a black and white picture of him biting his lip to his computer.

dontcallmebacon: you're a guy

xingie: i am, yes xingie: is that bad?

dontcallemebacon: no i just… i guess i was expecting like a girl. since you know… its usually girls that write fics.

xingie: i can assure you there are plenty of guys that write fics. xingie: why do you think i have such extensive knowledge of anal? lol

Baekhyun has to sit back from his computer, hands still resting on the keys as he thinks. Is that Yixing’s way of telling him he’s gay? Because well, Baekhyun’s gay. Baekhyun is very gay and Yixing is very cute. And, “No, quit that. Quit that right now.”

dontcallmebacon: youre really cute

Baekhyun mentally kicks himself, physically slams his head onto his desk. That is totally not what he was wanting to say. He hurries to try and save the situation.

dontcallmebacon: i mean like i saw a picture of yu and youre cuet not that i was like stalkinh you or antyhing dontcallmebacon: wow that makes it sound liek i WAS stalking you which i wasnt i swear!

Baekhyun waits, watching the chat box, hoping he didn’t just freak Yixing out. It feels like hours, days, years that he waits for a reply.

xingie: so basically what ur saying is you stalked my blog?

dontcallmebacon: NO! dontcallmebacon: ok yes i did but i just wanted to see what you looked like

xingie: ….you think im cuuuuuuuuute ^.^ xingie: send me a picture of you now, its only fair

Baekhyun almost spits up his drink. Yixing wants a picture of him? He quickly goes through his facebook, trying to find the cutest picture of himself he can. He chooses one and sends it and waits for a reply, playing some dumb game on Facebook to distract himself.

xingie: cute

A few months go by like this, Baekhyun regularly chatting with Yixing nearly all day and all night. Well, until he has to go to sleep before Yixing, timezones be damned. They learn a lot about each other in a short amount of time. They have a shared love for photography, food, animals and more importantly, BTS. They discover they have the same bias and ultimately decide, jokingly of course, that they must be soulmates.

Baekhyun gets in trouble more often at work now. Showing up late more days than not because he decided to stay up much too late to chat with Yixing. Spending too much time looking at his phone instead of paying attention to his work. He makes Yixing laugh when he tells him that he’s solely responsible for the new no phones policy at work.

xingie: i cant wait to meet you

Baekhyun leans back and just stares. They’ve been talking for three months now and sure, the thought of actually meeting Yixing has crossed his mind, but he never thought Yixing was thinking the same thing. He smiles to himself and runs his fingers over the keys.

dontcallmebacon: really?

xingie: uh yea duh youre fuckin awesome why wouldnt i wanna meet you?? xingie: unless ur a serial killer….. are u a serial killer???

dontcallmebacon: i feel like thats what a serial killer would say to make someone think theyre not a serial killer… dontcallmebacon: are YOU a serial killer??

xingie: i would never kill you xingie: might kiss you tho

Baekhyun feels his heart skip. His mouth falls open into a small smile as he types his response.

dontcallmebacon: you want to kiss me?

xingie: have you seen you? like youve seen how cute you are, right? xingie: id totally kiss you

dontcallmebacon: well.. i never said id let you so..

xingie: would you let me?

Baekhyun’s smile widens and he bites into his bottom lip.

dontcallmebacon: totally

Baekhyun is wheezing as he throws himself into his computer chair; it rolls sideways and he catches himself with a hand on the edge of his desk. He opens his laptop with one hand, the other holding onto the cramp in his side, and quickly signs into Tumblr. As he’s waiting for his shitty internet to do its job he tries to catch his breath. “I need to start working out, jesus christ, it was only three blocks”.

He was at work when he got the notification. BTS was announced as one of the artists in the lineup for Kcon in LA this year. He likes BTS. Yixing likes BTS. Yixing lives in LA. It was so exciting and overwhelming all he could think to do was sprint the three blocks from his work to his apartment. He needed to talk to Yixing immediately.

The site finally loads and he has seven messages. Yixing already knows, he thinks to himself. And, sure enough, he opens the chat box to see a barrage of all caps, frantic messages.

xingie: KCON xingie: BTS KCON EMRGENCY REPLY TO MEEEEEE xingie: BAEK FUKCING REPLY TO ME YOU DICKBAG xingie: BAKHYUNNNNNMNN HURRY IM DYNING xingie: BTSSSS BAEK PAY ATTENTION TO ME xingie: GOD DAMN IT BTS AT KCON IM SCREECHING AND UR IGNORING ME xingie: IF YUO DONT REPLY TO ME THIS FRIENDSAHIP IS OVERR

dontcallmebacon: I WAS AT WORK IM SRORRY!!!!!! dontcallmebacon: are you gonna go? to kcon?? BTS????

xingie: thank fuck i thought u were dead xingie: uhmmm obviously im gonna go! bts in my city omgg

dontcallmebacon: im so jealous tell hobi i love him for me

xingie: dude just fly out here xingie: FLY OUT HERE AND MEET ME AND SEE BTS OMG YESS xingie: baek u gotta

Baekhyun reads the message over and over, thinking about it. He has extra money. He has time he can take off work. Why shouldn’t he fly out to LA? He’s always wanted to go. He’d get to see BTS and kiss a cute boy. He quickly checks his bank account, looks at a calendar, and then switches back to Tumblr.

dontcallmebacon: fuck it.. im in

I’m not gonna cry. I’m not gonna cry. Baekhyun repeats this in his head as he watches his mother walk away from him. She drove him to the airport so he wouldn't have to leave his car, and now she’s leaving. He’s never flown before and he’s moderately terrified. Where does he go? What does he do with his luggage? How does he get to his plane? A large group of people wearing matching shirts passes him, chatting animatedly in a foreign language and he’s jealous. He wishes he had thirty other people around him to tell him what to do. He looks at his phone to check the time. What if he misses his plane? He begins walking faster.

It takes a little time, getting into the wrong line two separate times, but he finally figures out what he has to do. He checks his bag, gets his ticket and then, sighs. “Another line,” he whines, looking over at security. This line moves faster. Each step he takes closer he begins to panic just a little more. He wishes Yixing was awake so he could message him, but it’s like 2am in LA right now, so he’s stuck with nothing but his own thoughts. He takes another step forward, heart beating fast. He begins running through everything in his head, everything he’d packed in his carryon. What if they find something I shouldn't have and I go to airport jail, he thinks.

He makes it through security, only slightly scarred for life, and from there it’s smooth sailing.

By the time he lands in Vegas for his connecting flight he’s starving and so ready to just be in California. He sits down to eat and excitedly messages Yixing, knowing he’ll finally be up.

dontcallmebacon: im in vegas now, coolest airport ever

xingie: ahhhhhhh so close!!! xingie: im so excited ur almost heeeeere

dontcallmebacon: i knowww i just wanna get there already dontcallmebacon: also i’ll have u know i only cried a little at the airport before i left dontcallmebacon: i had a brief hour of panic but im good now

xingie: lol nice xingie: well only a couple more hours left and then you'll be here

Baekhyun notices the time across the top of his phone and his eyes widen. He shoves the rest of his food in his mouth and quickly chugs the rest of his drink.

dontcallmebacon: gotta go, plane leaves in twenty and im at the opposite end of the airport eating. dontcallmebacon: ill message you when i land in la!

When Baekhyun lands he messages Yixing like he said he would and sets off to find his bag. He realizes, pretty quickly, that he has no idea how to find his bag. He wanders aimlessly, he thinks he’s following the signs correctly; he turns around because he was going the wrong way, but finally, he finds baggage claim.

He drags his bag behind him to wait outside. And then, he gets nervous. What if he’s awkward? What if Yixing doesn’t like him? What if Yixing isn't really coming and this was just a big elaborate joke and now he’s stranded all alone in California? He shakes his head, knowing he’s just being dramatic. A black car slows and stops in front of him, he gulps. Yixing steps out, tall, handsome, exactly how Baekhyun pictured him. He lets out a weird breathy chuckle as Yixing steps up to him, a little dimple in his cheek as he smiles.

“Hi.”

Baekhyun licks his lips, his mouth is dry. “Hi.”

Yixing smiles again, looks from Baekhyun’s face to his bag. “You want me to take your—“

“Kiss!”

Yixing’s eyebrows raise, his mouth forms a little ‘o’. “What?”

“Kiss,” Baekhyun repeats, physically unable to stop the word vomit. “Kiss me.”

Yixing’s lips twitch, trying to keep the smile from forming. He grabs Baekhyun’s bag and tosses it into the trunk of his car, turning back to Baekhyun after. He laughs and ruffles Baekhyun’s hair playfully. Baekhyun’s heart stops when Yixing leans forward, lips pursed, and presses their lips together quickly.

“Welcome to California,” Yixing says with a laugh as he walks to the driver’s side and opens the door. “And, nice to finally meet you.”

Baekhyun stares with his mouth open as Yixing gets into the car. He licks his lips and lets out an awkward laugh. The window rolls down and Yixing leans over, hand pulling the handle to push open the door. “You coming?”

Baekhyun smiles and nods, pulls the door open and gets in. He looks at Yixing with a bright smile as he buckles, “Lets do this.”

@seonweon-sonyeondan for you. looooooove you 

[lthu]

august 3 2017

I shouldn’t really be pushing my hands to do much work but either way if i write or type it’ll still hurt. not the point but i need to remember this when i am better (mentally)

all my life i’ve been writing about my depression and how it’s been inflicting me and amusing me simultaneously . there is so much to know about it, it’s not entirely the same for everyone. sure being “sad” is a straight forward synonym of depression but it really isn’t. i mean, i wish i was just sad from time to time because that’d be a hell of a lot easier than carry this stupid burden called depression. oh! and how can i forget about this..you get the whole package too. anxiety. anxiety is so broad too so broad. most anxieties might be common than others some might be rare..  i understand that much, i don’t think i fall into the category of rare anxiety but i’ve learn to understand most of my anxieties and i believe that is one of the hardest disorders to manage. ( i know i am wrong but i am talking about myself) i actually found out not too long ago that i was depressed since i was 13 years old. I actually had no clue until not too long ago. i had some of middle school friends come to my place i brought some notebooks we used share and write our thoughts i guess it was away to survive our awkward stage of life and stay close at the same time. they wrote so many funny things and when it came to me..i just wrote the most depressing shit in the world..i used words no 13 year old should really use (cant explain) but it was hella awkward they just said “wow you are dark” and what can i say? i said “yeah i still am, time hasn’t change me ha ha” but in my head i was like “wow i had depression and i had no clue what that was back then, now it makes so much sense” it really did actually, i felt like such a weird kid ( i liked and hated it) anyway i am 24 now i remember telling myself when i was 17 or 18 that i wouldn’t have depression once i turned 24 or 27 but i still do.. and i keep telling myself that i wont have it when i am 30. i know this is a lie but sometimes it feels good to believe. 

i’ve never been completely open about my depression until recently (i’ve seen some people come out and express to the public) ..and i guess that sort of encouraged me because it’s really nothing to be embarrassed about. ACTUALLY i’ve never been open about my medication until recently..actually like today i mean. i posted this photo on my instagram 

i had to think about it for awhile, i love this photo a lot because it explains everything that i am currently experiencing with having depression and anxiety.. and well taking medication for it. maybe someone found it too personal but it really isn’t. not anymore hah. i call it (no)rmal. i’d like to explain this further. 

I’ve been on medication for about a year an a half or perhaps 2 years..fucking time flies..i’m too oblivious of time. anyway same time i started seeking therapists both a psychologist and psychiatrist..it’s ok..i can talk about that later or another day ...that’s another whole fucking topic. 

i hate and love being medicated.

i’ve come to terms with this and i have accepted medication as an integral part of my life. ( i hope not permanently ) i’ve come to terms with what i can do and what i cannot do, when i can go to bed and when i cannot drive. it sucked at first..knowing that a little pill would have some authority in your life. i accept this i accept this.

i was so blinded by my changes when i started taking them. it took months for me to react to them. i changed i really did and i just noticed this. i was..normal............

and i didn’t even realize it! i thought i was better..functional.. i was able to talk to people in a banal matter, my life was just that, didn’t go further than that. yes, my moods improved but i don’t know how i feel about this. these changes.

(NO)RMAL

thats why i say no to normal. this wasn’t me this isn’t me. i think i am having a

it’s been about what? a year or a little less than a year that i’ve been experiencing this crisis. its a crisis that i face everyday and to go along with that my anxiety barges in so it gets really intense..but it’s not just any anxiety its..

so it’s a lot of layers of disorders and bullshit. how do i deal with them? i just stay quiet, ignore plans, hide, exchange a few typical boring words to co workers (for survival rly), draw, look at pics of dogs, relate to memes (oh i need to bring this up later) 

my security is to just stay quiet when i’m around people i don’t wanna talk to. i just instantly feel uncomfortable cos i’m in a personality crisis mode. it shuts me down. it cripples my speech. i get clumpsy. i get sweaty. i stutter. i forget english. i forget spanish. i’m oblivious. i have racing thoughts. i mean thats what 

is. Anyway because i am in this state i don’t know who i am, i am constantly trying to think and remember who i was, and when i do it was when i was deeply depressed. My depression did defined me back then and i did like it (and didn’t obviously) and i felt different definitely not normal. depression gave me the opportunity to think differently, it helped me with my poems and my art sometimes. it gave me so many strange thoughts that kept me questioning about life and myself, i believe it gave me some kind of wisdom. depression takes you to some really weird places.. mentally and physically. depression has also guided me to horrible horrible places. i wrote a letter to my depression early on a sunday morning, it was a bad morning

to sum up, briefly, what depression makes me feel when it hits me 10x stronger. somedays i am just numb. sometimes i miss my depression no matter how bad it got, i just felt like i was someone at the same time. i know this is no good..and that i must find “myself” a better “self” but how, i dont wanna be normal, i don’t wanna face things expectedly i don’t wanna have dull conversations. i wasn’t like this before, it was too different. 

anyway i am not depressed right now, i just had a moment of clarity earlier. i was thinking how i am not as open about my depression (only with my friends that are depressed or suffer from anxiety know because why not we are connected with this disease) so you gotta have  a

although we don’t talk about it like before anymore..before we use to just laugh about it laugh about our depression and how it mocks us..sometimes it wasn’t funny and one of us had to run away and just well..laugh alone.

depression is so common..why do we act as if it’s something to be embarrassed about or hide it? i know it aint easy but for me it did feel like that.. as if it’s an excuse to let your life be the way it is and it really shouldn’t be. right? but we have no control. i know i loose control almost all the time. 

my meds are helping me (sometimes) but theyre expected. i know ill fall asleep i know my mood might be neutral or balanced. not always but most of the time. 

& when i find depression, i find an old friend.