#i may have been experiencing small auditory hallucinations and my cat came into the room and my body took a screenshot

[non-un-topo]

⭐

Ohh hello, I am LATE!! (per the ask game about "director's commentary" on a fic of the author's choice. Sorry it took so long for me to respond to this omg... got busy writing my latest fic and then school x_x <33)

I think I want to talk about Dying of the Light (totally not because I just re-read it on a whim and I'm having Feelings about it). It was one of the first Old Guard fics I wrote, back in January, but I didn't end up finishing it and posting it until several months later. I had 12k written, but then I just... absolutely gutted it and rewrote it and only kept about two scenes (A little bit of dialogue in the abandoned cabin, and the Pond Scene (and I'm SO glad I did. The original was about Nicky's relationship to God--or lack thereof--instead of his grief and terror from losing Quỳnh (her--and his own--"vanishing"). Basically the theme was entirely different. Plus the original was just... excruciatingly boring).

I originally had Nicky write Joe letters throughout the whole story (obvs not sending them, because he couldn't), and it was sort of through them that we saw his gradual deterioration. I almost wish I'd kept that, because the letters are lovely and gushy and all, but ehh, blegh.

Some cropped examples (that I'm v shy about but anyway):

As for the final version, I was just really curious about exploring some good old psychological trauma from intense, unresolved grief (and a wee bit of religious trauma ofc) and how that works with an immortal (and Nicky's whole putting-others-before-himself thesis that the fandom might have made up? [citation needed lol] But I love it). I packed SO many themes and motifs into that fic, I won't bother anyone with it now dfghjgfds.

Of course, I also really wanted to write a Booker & Nicky fic because at the time, there was only like... one other on ao3 and I love it so muuuuch, but there needed to be more! This was before the script came out and we all met script!Nicky and learned he and Booker act like ten year old brothers gfdgsdf.

And since I'm here, I have to share all the music I listened to while writing this!! <3

This bad boy inspired the fic from the very beginning (long af video, excellent ambience).

On the Nature of Daylight, I listened to while writing That dream Nicky has just before the Pond Scene.

The Interstellar theme.

And this beloved song which destroyed my heart. <3 Listened to while writing the dream / reality bending scenes and the ending.

Even though I wrote the whole thing in one night (minus those kept scenes), I think, like Tangerine and Roc, it's one of the fics I'm most proud of... I was deeply worried about writing something so angsty, but the responses I got to the fic just.... my heart exploded?? <33 It was the first fic I wrote that got really wonderful comments, and I'm forever thankful. Many tears were shed. Cosmic horror is one of my favourite genres and although it's hard af to write, it's sooo much fun (I... might have a thing for putting Nicky in horror stories??? Looking at my latest fic. Look, it suits him!).

Anyway, GOD do I ever talk forever. Yikes. THANK YOUUUU so much for the ask, you are lovely and wonderful, many many kisses to you!!!! <333