#i make myself like tea because every single one of my drs focuses on it

[gay-noodle-clan]

Coffee or tea | early bird or night owl | chocolate or vanilla | spring or fall | silver or gold | pop or alternative | freckles or dimples | snakes or sharks | mountains or fields | thunder or lightning | egyptian mythology or greek mythology | ivory or scarlet | flute or lyre | opal or diamond | potions or spells | ocean or desert | mermaids or sirens | masquerade ball or cocktail party | butterflies or honeybees | macarons or eclairs | typewritten or handwritten | secret garden or secret library | rooftop or balcony | spicy or mild | opera or ballet | london or paris | vincent van gogh or claude monet | denim or leather

(edit because I forgot to tag 😭)

@charmedreincarnation

@stilljuststardust

@evvlevie

Coffee or tea | early bird or night owl | chocolate or vanilla | spring or fall | silver or gold | pop or alternative | freckles or dimples | snakes or sharks | mountains or fields | thunder or lightning | egyptian mythology or greek mythology | ivory or scarlet | flute or lyre | opal or diamond | potions or spells | ocean or desert | mermaids or sirens | masquerade ball or cocktail party | butterflies or honeybees | macarons or eclairs | typewritten or handwritten | secret garden or secret library | rooftop or balcony | spicy or mild | opera or ballet | london or paris | vincent van gogh or claude monet | denim or leather

[emospritelet]

Twisted Fate - prompt #1: It's all my fault.

Chapter 11 is up, in which Belle and Gold go shopping. Please send me a prompt from this list or this list to fuel the angst and smut

[Ch 1] [Ch 2] [Ch 3] [Ch 4] [Ch 5] [Ch 6] [Ch 7] [Ch 8] [Part 9] [Part 10] 

[AO3]

x

When she had found out that she was pregnant, Belle had gone through a range of emotions. The first was panic, closely followed by denial, then by bitter anguish. She had spent much of the day of the test results crying in the university restrooms and lamenting the day she had ever decided to go to bed with Alexander Gold. For a brief moment, she had been tempted to call him to give him the news, just so he could share in some of her misery, but the thought of his cold disdain was too much to face, especially after her father had practically disowned her.

She had made up her mind almost immediately that she would keep the baby, which was one less decision to fret over, but that meant that a number of other choices had to be made, and made quickly. She had the test result confirmed, was given an approximate due date, and had talked to the university about deferring completion of her studies once the baby arrived. She had sought advice from Emma about what to expect throughout pregnancy, had read every book on the subject that she could find, and had tried to ensure that she ate a balanced diet. When she could keep her food down. Overall, she felt that she was about as well-prepared for motherhood as a single woman in her early twenties making minimum wage and with no family to support her could be. Which was not very prepared at all.

Belle had assumed that having Gold tell her categorically that he intended to help out both financially and physically with the baby would make her relax, but in reality it only caused her more anxiety, and she was unsure why that was. Certainly having the apartment had given her some security, and waking up in its large and comfortable bed every morning was like letting out a deep, calming breath. She was free of the constant worry over money and making ends meet, of the landlord knocking at the door to demand rent that she didn’t have. And yet, she still felt an ongoing, exhausting sense of stress, an acidic ball of iron that had settled in her belly and refused to leave. 

He was true to his word, picking her up from outside the university in his Cadillac and driving her to the new clinic for her check-up. Belle sat in silence, hands folded in her lap as they went, and once they had parked up Gold offered her his arm. Taking it felt strange, but she tried to put it from her mind, focusing on the doors of the clinic, and beyond them the gleaming waiting area with its plush leather seats and fresh coffee. 

There was paperwork to fill out, and tests to be run, but it was nothing she hadn’t been through before. Gold seemed anxious as the doctor held the consultation with her, but Belle was unfazed by the questions asked and the measurements taken. She had expected this first visit to take a little longer, given that she was a new patient. Dr Jekyll was a nervous-looking man who blinked a lot, but he seemed to know what he was talking about.

“Well, the baby seems to be developing as expected,” he said at last. “You’re a little underweight, though. You could do with eating a little more, if you can manage it.”

“I’ve been trying to tell her that,” put in Gold, and Belle glared at him.

“Yeah, well, there’s only so many hours in the day,” she muttered. “I have work and study to take care of, alongside everything else.”

“Then try to make sure you get as much nutrient-dense food as possible,” said Dr Jekyll kindly. “Carry snacks with you as you go about, and make sure you don’t go too long between meals. Building a baby is hard work, you need to make sure your body has the fuel it needs.”

“I’ll try to feed her up,” said Gold.

“Good, good,” said Jekyll vaguely, looking at his notes. “I don’t expect there to be much change between now and next week, but try to make sure she eats a range of quality foods, not just sugar.”

Belle bit the insides of her cheeks to keep from snapping at both of them.

“Well, the good news is there’s not long to go now,” said Jekyll, peering at his computer screen. “You’re due on May fifth, correct?”

“Yeah.”

“A spring baby,” he said, glancing at her over the top of his glasses. “This cold weather will have cleared up by then. A little sunshine to welcome the new light in your life.”

He smiled at her, and Belle couldn’t help smiling back. Yes. She was looking forward to the baby being born. Quite how it would change her relationship with its father was still to be seen.

x

After the doctor’s appointment, they went to buy paint. Belle had chosen the colours she wanted: lilac and pale blue for the nursery and terracotta for the kitchen. She hadn’t made a decision on the lounge and bedrooms yet, and Gold said it could wait until she was sure. He bought paint trays, rollers and brushes, along with a set of painting overalls for her to wear and several large sheets to spread over the floors and furniture.

“Thanks,” she said, as they packed everything into the trunk of the car. “You know how clumsy I am. I’ll probably track paint all over the apartment without these.”

“I could still get professionals in to paint the walls,” he said.

“Thanks, but I’d like to do it myself,” she said. “It - it would help to make the place feel more like mine, you know?”

“I understand.”

Gold closed the trunk, taking a step back.

“I can always help you out, if you like,” he ventured, but she shook her head.

“Emma and Neal have already said they’ll help,” she said. “We’re gonna have kind of a paint-the-apartment party this weekend.”

“Ah.” He nodded. “Well, if there’s anything else you need, just let me know.”

He flashed her a brief smile, the light catching in his eyes. He looked very handsome with his short hair, and she looked away, pain making her mouth twist. She hadn’t been lying when she told him she couldn’t move past him. How long would it take for her to fall out of love with him? Forever, she imagined, if he continued to act like a decent human being. Damn him.

x

As the afternoon wore on, he continued to treat her with a gentle solicitude, insisting on taking her for tea at a nearby deli and watching as she ate a piece of pumpkin pie with cream that had been laced with cinnamon and whipped to soft peaks. Pumpkin pie probably wasn’t what Dr Jekyll had had in mind when he told her to eat more, but it was so delicious she didn’t really care. Gold waved away her offer to share, merely drinking a black coffee, and she wondered if he had appointed himself her nutritionist. Chief engineer of the baby-making machine. The thought made her frown to herself, but it didn’t stop her from eating the pie.

After the deli, Gold took her to a large department store that she had never before set foot in due to the prices. Inside was a beautiful glittering paradise of sleek synthetic marble and polished wood, filled with the scents of hundreds of perfumes and toiletries. The baby section was large, a sea of pink and blue and white, and she felt out of place in her scuffed boots and five-year-old coat, although she tried not to let it bother her.

Gold seemed almost animated by the shopping trip, having lengthy discussions with the sales staff about items to purchase and displaying a surprising amount of knowledge about what babies needed. Belle largely left him to it, wandering along behind him with the little shopping cart and only giving input when he asked. They agreed on a set of furniture in pale grey and white, a chest of drawers and dresser with a large, well-cushioned chair in which she could sit and feed the baby. It was a strange thing to think of, that the child inside her would very soon be on the outside, in her arms and looking for her to feed it and keep it safe. It was overwhelming if she thought about it too much, so she tried to put it from her mind. Low-level terror over being responsible for a tiny human would have to wait.

“So, the furniture can be delivered on Wednesday afternoon,” he said, making her look up. “Is that alright?”

“Uh - can we make it Thursday?” she asked. “I have to work Wednesday.”

“Ah. Well, how about next week?” he asked. “You’ll have stopped working by then, right?”

“Right.”

“And I suppose it’ll be better, because the nursery will have been painted,” he added. “You can just take everything for the baby in there, rather than store it elsewhere in the apartment.”

“Right,” she repeated.

“I’ll tell them when it comes to paying for everything,” he said. “Let’s keep looking.”

He hurried off with what was almost a spring in his step, and she watched him go, a wave of sadness washing over her. She became more withdrawn as they made their way around the section, and responded with unenthusiastic murmurs to his suggestions. Gold eyed her with a slight frown on his face at first, which made her bristle, although she tried not to show it. 

“I have a crib,” she told him, as he was looking over the third one that afternoon. “Emma was going to lend me Henry’s.”

“Our child doesn’t need hand-me-downs,” he said dismissively. “Besides, what if she chooses to have another baby? She’ll need it back.”

“I think that’s highly unlikely in the middle of her studies, don’t you?”

“I think babies come when they come,” he replied.

Belle sighed, and left him to it, merely nodding when he asked if she agreed with his choice. She could feel herself getting ever more anxious and resentful, and while she told herself that he was stepping up and supporting her as she had wanted, and that she was therefore being unreasonable, she couldn’t seem to shake her negativity. The reactions of the staff didn’t help.

“Are you and your husband finding everything okay?” chirped the third sales assistant in ten minutes, as Belle pawed listlessly through a rack of romper suits. Gold was some way ahead, his free arm filled with clothing in a myriad of colours.

“We’re not married,” she said coldly, and the sales assistant beamed.

“Oh, sorry! Still, plenty of time for that. I guess you’ve been concentrating on preparing for baby, right?”

“I’ve mostly been concentrating on not killing him,” said Belle flatly, and flourished one of the suits. “Do you have this in any other colours?”

“Uh - let me check out back.”

The sales assistant wandered off, and Belle heaved a sigh of relief.

“What about these?”

She looked around to see Gold holding up a pair of patterned booties with pom-poms hanging from strings. He shook them at her, a wide smile on his face as the pom-poms bounced.

“Adorable, hmm?” he said. “How could you resist them?”

“What are you doing?” she demanded, and he looked puzzled.

“Picking out baby things.”

“No,” she said. “No, I mean - I mean what are you doing?”

His confusion only seemed to increase.

“I don’t understand.”

“Forget it,” she sighed, snatching the booties off him and dropping them in the cart.

She could feel him staring after her as she walked off, but to give him his due he soon caught her up, dropping his choices into the cart and making quiet suggestions as to other things they might need. It felt as though he had picked up on her mood and was trying to placate her, which only made her more irritated, and then annoyed at herself for being irrational. It was a relief when he announced that they probably had enough to be going on with, and went to pay for everything. She was silent on the way back to the apartment, and the atmosphere between them was heavy and dark, making her feel awkward as she plucked at the skin on the back of her hand: a nervous, repetitive gesture. 

Gold could sense that Belle was annoyed with him, although he wasn’t sure why that was, other than the massive fuck-up that had led to them being in this situation in the first place. She didn’t seem to want to talk about it, though, and he didn’t know what to say, so he endured the painful silence on the journey back to her apartment. He helped her carry up the tins of paint and the bags of brushes and rollers, and she thanked him quietly as he set them on the kitchen counter. She had stepped back, towards the window with its view over the park, and was looking out of it and chewing her lip.

“Is there anything else I can get you?” he asked, his voice seeming loud in the tense silence, and she shook her head. He heaved a sigh.

“Belle, you seem upset with me,” he said wearily. “I don’t know why, besides the obvious, so can you please tell me what I’ve done?”

“You haven’t done anything.”

It was said automatically, and in something of a monotone. He wasn’t sure she believed it any more than he.

“Please,” he said again. “I know this is a difficult time for you, and I know the baby’s arrival must be making you nervous, so if there’s anything I can do…”

He left it hanging, hoping she would help him out and tell him what she needed. Belle seemed to wriggle uncomfortably, sucking her teeth a little.

“It’s - it’s hard,” she said eventually.

“I know,” he said carefully. “That’s why I’m trying to make sure you have as little to worry about financially as I can, and why I wanted to get everything the baby might need.”

“No,” she said. “It’s hard - it’s hard having you around.”

She wasn’t really looking at him, her eyes darting furtively to him and then away, her shoulders hunched a little. It felt as though a heavy weight had lodged in his throat and was making its way slowly down towards his stomach.

“Oh,” he said, because he couldn’t think of anything else. You’re a fucking idiot. Of course it’s hard. Why would she want the person who broke her heart back in her life? Moron!

“It feels—” Belle screwed up her nose, glancing away. “It’s like when we’re out shopping together and people treat us like we’re a married couple or something, and it’s like a slap in the face every damn time.”

“Why do you care what people think?”

“That’s not the point…” She ran her hands over her face. “It’s not what they think, it’s - it’s what it is. Maybe I’m not explaining it all that well. I’m not sure I even know what I mean.”

“Okay,” he said, bewildered. “Well, in that case, why don’t you tell me what you need?”

“I need you to go,” she said decidedly, nodding.

The weight settled in his lower belly, spreading outwards and anchoring his feet to the floor.

“Right,” he said, his voice hollow. “Right. Then I’ll go.”

“Thank you.”

She was hugging herself now, arms folded protectively over the top of her swollen belly. He wanted to hug her himself, to take her in his arms and hold her close, to offer her comfort and reassurance. It hit him hard in the gut, a painful, breathtaking blow as he realised that he had never done so. Not once. He tried to think of a time when he had shown her some intimacy without them having sex, and couldn’t. God, no wonder she hated him! He swallowed hard, his mouth dry.

“Can I still take you to your next appointment?” he asked, his voice sounding eerily calm in his head, and she nodded.

“Of course.”

“There’s still the matter of seeing my lawyer,” he went on. “Perhaps we can schedule them both for the same day.”

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

“Right,” he said, for what felt like the hundredth time. “Then I’ll see you next Monday.”

She nodded again, dark curls bouncing around her shoulders, still hunched against him, shutting him out.

“I’ll go back to Storybrooke,” he added, figuring it would do her good to know he wouldn’t be in the city. That he wouldn’t be haunting her, stalking her from the shadows as she tried to go on with her life.

“Thank you,” she said again, and hesitated. “Sorry.”

“No need to apologise,” he said, his tone wry. “It’s all my fault, after all.”

She hung her head a little, as though she agreed with him, but didn’t want to say it aloud. He could feel his hand beginning to ache from gripping the cane handle, and loosened his grip. 

“Well,” he said. “I’ll see myself out.”

She nodded, giving him one final glance. Her blue eyes were filled with sadness, and guilt, and regret. He could feel his own emotions rising up inside him, wanting to burst out and drown him, and so he nodded stiffly and turned away, heading for the door with a slow and heavy tread. She needed space. He could give her that, at least.

[justjessame]

A Reluctant Hero Chapter 7

Kelsey followed me home when I retrieved my car from the bar parking lot. Once at the house, she mentioned she was going to take a nap, and I rolled my eyes as she gave my cell phone a loaded glance. Honestly, just because I had JD’s number now, didn’t mean I was going to call him. I wasn’t sure I wanted to, aside from the fact that even drunk me had great taste in wanting him naked and sweaty, I hadn’t exactly been at my best when we met. And knowing that he was fresh out of a situation of his own wasn’t all that inspiring for starting up something with him.

Rebound. That’s what we’d be for one another. If I called him up, if we pursued whatever spark we might have felt, it would flare hot and bright and then fizzle out. That’s what rebounds were. The way to cleanse the palette before you find a lasting relationship. Hell, books were written about this shit. Not that I’d ever read them, but still. It was common fucking knowledge. No matter the age, you don’t stay with whomever comes right after a breakup.

With that in mind, I didn’t call him. I tried very fucking hard to NOT think about him between shit I did to keep busy. Stuff like editing my newest book, or starting another story. No, JD Richter was NOT going to work for a rebound. IF I gave him a call, it wouldn’t be for a fast and hot affair, because even drunk, hungover, and a tad bit stupid, I knew that JD would be wasted as a rebound fling. He was the type of man that a woman should want to hook, mount, and keep forever. Anyone who didn’t see that was a fucking idiot.

He broke first. Four days after I woke up in his bed, my phone rang and I didn’t even pay attention to who the caller was because I was engrossed in the writing of a new chapter to a new book. Answering it almost absently, it took a moment for my brain to disengage from the computer in front of me and HEAR the voice speaking to me.

“I’m sorry, who did you say was calling?” No, I thought, it couldn’t be-

That deep rumble of a laugh and I could swear it vibrated through the phone and I could feel it in my toes. “Forgot me already, Ani? That stings.” I swallowed loudly. Shit. “JD? Kelsey’s dad? Prince Charming since I put Cinderella’s shoes back on?”

I had to shake my head at that comparison. “Pretty sure Cindi didn’t lose her shoes because she was shitfaced, but I won’t deny that you were my hero.” Another chuckle from his end. “Sorry I was in the middle of writing and-”

“I should let you go?” He was asking, not agreeing.

“No,” my voice had grown quiet, and I wanted to smack myself from how needy I sounded. “It’s fine, I can pick it back up anytime.”

“I’m sorry I had to rush out the other day,” he offered, and I thought I heard the sound of liquid flowing into a glass. “Work, it never ends.” Kelsey had filled me in on how he’d lost his license, but after the truth had come out, fought to get it back.

‘Work’s important. Pays the bills, right?” I stood up from my desk and wandered to my kitchen. “I hope it wasn’t something gruesome.”

We chatted about what he did for a living, and as we spoke, I made a late lunch. “What’s that noise on your end?” He asked, clearly picking up the sound of me setting the pan on my stove, and the sounds of me assembling my ingredients.

“I’m making lunch,” looking at how late it was, I realized it was too late for even the latest lunch. “Maybe dinner, actually.”

“You cook?” The interest in his voice was clear.

I grinned as I worked at chopping and measuring. “Well, I have to eat, so learning to make something a little more filling than peanut butter sandwiches seemed like a good idea.” I could swear I heard him smile. “You don’t cook?”

“Never seem to have the time,” he answered and it was my turn to smile. “I haven’t had a home cooked meal-”

“Are you jockeying for an invitation, JD?” It went quiet on his end, and I considered taking it back, but then I thought fuck it. “There’s more than enough for two.”

I heard rustling from his end, and then the telltale jingle of a set of keys. “I’ll be right over.”

Once I had dinner steadily bubbling and baking, I took a look at my appearance and was thankful that I’d taken that very cold shower earlier. Rushing to my bedroom, I grabbed something that was attractive, but not overly done up. Another pair of skinny pants, this time in a faux buttery leather and a loose fitting tank, my hair was piled up on my head and I forewent shoes. My house, no need for heels.

I was back in the kitchen, putting the finishing touches on the simmering pots, when my visitor was announced. Giving the OK for him to enter, I waited as he made his way to the dining room, and called out for him to take the door to the right. I made a note to have my AI, Pandi, freeze frame the look on JD’s face when he walked into the room.

My kitchen, like the rest of my house, was dark wood and rustic looking. The stove wouldn’t have looked out of place in a restaurant, nor would the refrigerator and the huge stone sink was always an eye opener. I gestured for him to have a seat on one of the stools lining the huge island, and asked him what he’d like to drink.

“I thought the rest of your house was impressive, but this?” He was still taking in details, and I smirked as he finally met my eyes. “Wow.” Giggling, I asked him what his drink preference was again, and he finally accepted a beer.

I waited until he took a long drink, and shook my head at how easily and comfortable he seemed to fit into my house. I had a glass of tea, since I was planning on keeping clear of any type of alcohol for the foreseeable future, I moved back to the stove and once again we fell into conversation.

I was taking out a dish from the oven, along with the bread I’d put in to warm, when he finally asked the most important question of all. “What are we having, Ani?”

Italian, my preference on any given day, was what we were having. And we ate at the island, side by side, talking as he complimented me on every single part of our meal. I loved watching people appreciate the meals I cooked, Kelsey raved every time she came over for lunch or dinner, and her dad was no different. I had a flash of Roger not being all that interested in what I cooked, his focus more on eating things that would keep him fit and trim, clearly to catch all those willing coeds.

“You just flinched,” he offered, as he swallowed another bite. “What were you thinking about?”

I huffed out a breath that was a cross between a laugh and a snort. “Roger, the ex.” He was studying me. “I just realized, he never seemed to like what I cooked.”

“Fucking idiot.” JD muttered, and I smiled. “That man must have been blind and stupid.” He was still staring, I could feel the heat of his gaze even as my attention returned to my own plate. “What kind of moron screws around on-”

I stopped him. Too dangerous territory. Too close to crossing that invisible line that I wanted him to fucking know existed. “Yeah, well, hindsight.” Taking a sip from my glass, I changed the subject to work.

He helped me clean up, putting leftovers in bowls, one of which I insisted he take with him and loading the dishwasher. We were seated in my living room, a fire flickering in the fireplace because that’s the entire point of having a fireplace, JD nursing a second beer and me still drinking tea.

“Tell me about your family,” he asked, his chair facing the sofa I was lounging on.

I sat up and set my glass on the coffee table. “My family?” Leaning back again, I thought about it. “My mom died when I was really little,” I was five, she had passed away after a long illness, one that even my dad couldn’t fix. “Dad’s a doctor, infectious diseases, and he didn’t really understand my artsy nature.” I smirked, thinking about how aghast he’d been when I came up with a B- for my science classes, and that C for math would forever haunt him. “He liked the outdoors, and since I’m his only kid, I learned to like them too.” I loved the outdoors, the forests, the rivers. Lakes and mountains were my playground growing up. “He really didn’t understand my choice in men.” Like Dr. Aaron Myles, his coworker who was very slightly younger than him, who he caught bending me over a lab table when I was nineteen. “Other than my parents, the extended family isn’t really close. Reunions, holiday cards, you know, the normal.”

“Other than the idiot box you dated recently,” I chuckled at the description. “What wasn’t understandable about your choices?”

Damn inquisitive minds, I thought, but shrugged. What the hell, let’s warn him ahead of time. “Older men, usually his colleagues.” I heard, rather than saw, JD’s inhale. “I was an adult, I swear,” most of the time, I flashed on that one fling and felt a blush rise. “It’s just that-” I was very very irritable at the idea that I had daddy issues, so I had this conversation a LOT over the years. “Men who have more experience, tend to treat women better, you know?”

My eyes met his and I realized that JD was older than me. Maybe not as old as my dad, maybe not as old as my oldest lover, but he was. And his eye color, that molten caramel that had drawn my interest when I’d finally been able to focus my eyes, had gone so dark that pinpointing his pupils would have been a challenge. I bit my lip and his eyes focused on the movement. Shit. Not good.

“How about your family?” I tossed out before we both did something that I would fucking regret when it went to shit.

JD smirked, clearly understanding my attempts at diverting the conversation into safer territories, but I had to think he didn’t really know why. He reminded me that I knew Kelsey and had met his ex wife, but I shook my head. “So you were hatched from an egg and didn’t know your parents?”

He laughed, full bodied at my silly joke. Then he told me about his upbringing. His stint in the military. His path to his current profession. He gave out his life’s story as easily as I did, which wasn’t as common as people might think.

“And you just got out of a-” I stopped, shocked at my line of questioning. Shit. Nope, Ani, not that.

“Molly,” he offered, his eyes still on mine. “Molly Woods.” I nodded. “That was a very weird situation.”

I waited, unsure if I wanted to hear about the woman he kept company with before. I knew his ex wife, the mother of his daughter, but this was fresh. “You don’t have to-”

“It’s ok,” he smiled at me and I had to return it. “I’m a grown up, I can handle talking about it.”

I nodded and he told me about meeting her at a crime scene. How he thought she was insane, given where she’d been staying it made sense, but then he found out the victim had been pregnant, just like she’d warned. He told me how it went from her roofieing him to him being called a terrorist for helping her. How that snowballed into intimacy and how, eventually, he realized that she needed her people more than the two of them needed one another.

“Do you still talk?” My fucking curiosity was going to make me want to jump off a cliff soon.

“Not much,” he answered, leaning forward to sit his beer down on the coffee table. “What we had wasn’t supposed to last, Ani, but we became friends.”

I smiled and let my eyes focus on the view behind him, outside the panel of glass. The green of the forest creeping closer, the darkness not obscuring the leaves that seemed close enough to touch.

“Ani,” my eyes found his again, and I swallowed at the look in his eyes. “Come here.”

Oh no, not happening. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” My tongue felt like it weighed a thousand pounds.

He bit his lip as he studied me and I felt the burn from that simple gesture all the way down my body. “Why isn’t it?” Shit.

“Rebounds are never a good idea, JD.” Still sounded as dry mouthed as when I woke up in his bed. The thought of a bed and JD increased the burn.

“Then don’t call it a rebound, Ani.” Fucker, I thought, trying for logic and wordplay. “Come here.” He crooked his finger this time and I could swear he had a fucking string attached to it and my body, the yearning was so strong to give in.

“No,” I wanted it to come out strong and clear, but instead it sounded scared and uncertain. “You come here,” wait, what? Fuck, Ani, not helping.

And then he was over top of me, his weight pressing down on mine, and at the first touch of his lips on mine, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I had fucked up majorly. Because I had no fucking doubt whatsoever that when this ended, I’d be crushed. Fucking crushed, because with one kiss, I was addicted to JD Richter, and we weren’t even fucking naked.

We didn’t get naked. Not when Kelsey’s voice called out from the door that connected her apartment to the house.

“Ani?” She was growing closer, and JD had pulled back and was grinning as he stayed hovering over me. “I saw Dad’s truck outside and-” She was standing in the threshold of the living room when she stopped speaking and I felt the burn go from lust to embarrassment that his daughter and my best friend had caught him on top of me, with my hands locked around his neck and his slithering under my shirt. “Ah, hey, Dad.”

He was chuckling as he answered her greeting, and I felt like sinking into the sofa and dying. It was one thing for Kels to tell me that she was alright with the two of us, but catching us? That was too fucking much.

JD left a little later with his leftovers, and I had to shake my head as he ignored his daughter’s presence and kissed me with enough passion to make the wood of my house catch fire. Then he smirked down at me, promised to call, and was gone.

I turned to face Kelsey and rolled my eyes at her trying to hold back her own laughter. “Really?” I asked, shaking my head and heading back to the kitchen. “Want me to heat up dinner?”

“Gonna use your face?” She offered, still laughing. “The red of that blush is throwing off enough heat that I have to believe the microwave won’t be needed.” If I keep rolling my eyes, they’re gonna stick that way. “Jesus, you’re a fucking adult, Ani, why are you so embarrassed?”

I shot her a look. “Because he’s your DAD, Kels.”

Shrugging, she took the plate I’d fixed for her from my hands and sat on the same stool her dad had earlier. “So? He’s not YOUR dad, Ani, that would be cause for fucking embarrassment.”

Jesus, the Richters were going to be the death of me.

[scientifically-strange]

What’s it Like?

Trying something a little new. Instead of third person it’s straight from Danny’s pov

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What’s it like? 

I always find myself getting asked this, whether it be from Tucker, Dani, Sam, or hell, even Valerie sometimes. And while it doesn't upset me, the question itself is hard to answer, and is tiring to do so after having to do it so many times. 

So what is it like living with the Avengers?

It’s indescribable, really. It’s fun, and annoying, and stressful, and happy, and so many other words, so I think the only way I can properly tell you is if I list them all off one by one. 

Well, let me tell you.

First, I guess I should start with the host himself, Tony Stark. Though you probably know him better as Iron Man. 

He’s everything people say he is, and more. He’s selfish and sarcastic, and is stupidly smart. Yeah, he’s also a playboy, and he never focuses on the important stuff for his company. Instead he pays with desk toys in important meetings. 

Like all of us, Tony has a lot of baggage. We all have our demons, but Tony’s are arguably the worst. Yeah, I fought my older evil self and the ghost king, and Steve was in World War II, but compared to Tony it was a cakewalk. Because Tony’s been through a fucking blender. He’s got serious PTSD from the Incident, from the cave he was tortured in, and a few other things. He copes by drinking unhealthy amounts of coffee spiked with alcohol and monster energy drinks while building several more Iron man armors, all with their own special skills and weapons. 

He also has really bad attachment issues due to his father was never really around, and the father figure he did had tried to kill him. So. 

However, despite all of that, Tony is probably the most caring person on the team. And that’s including Steve. He just doesn’t know how to express it with emotions. So instead, he uses his actions. Thor mentioned one time that he needed to get more lavender (?) shampoo because he ran out, and now there’s a cabinet full of them, just for the thunder god himself.  

There was another time when Clint’s hearing aids got blown up on a mission, and Tony made him everything-proof Stark hearing aids. Clint hasn’t needed a new pair since. And he made Steve and Sam’s rooms soundproof, so that when fireworks go off they can still enjoy the view, but now with less gunshot sounds. 

Tony also really loves to nerd out, which brings me to my next friend, Dr. Bruce Banner. He’s pretty soft spoken, until he starts talking about science. I remember the longest conversation I’ve had with him was when we were talking about space and NASA, which somehow ended up on a conversation of the horrible structure of hot dog buns? Not really sure what happened there...

Bruce always has great advice, and is always in like, a zen sort of mood. He’s not nervous all the time like most people think. No, he’s only fidgety around stressful people, like Fury or Ultron. Which is perfectly understandable considering if he gets to angry or freaked he starts looking a little green around the gills.

That being said, Bruce also makes the best tea on the Compound. Nobody knows what he does to it, but if you’re having a rough day or something he’s got your back. And he’s always got Tony’s back, too. I There was one time when Tony had been up for almost four days and Bruce had come in and put some headphones on Tony, and he passed out immediately. I helped him get Tony to his room, and Bruce kind of took it from there. 

Hulk is pretty nice to. Though, to be fair the first time I met him he was pretty pissed because he couldn’t hit me. But after he calmed down enough, I told him a couple of jokes and he kind of warmed up to me. 

And I told him I could help get the glitter out of his hair.

He still doesn’t know that it sparkles sometimes when crime-fighting. Nobody else has either, but that’s only because they’re to busy kicking ass themselves. 

Steve is kind of like everybody’s dream guy, even if you yourself are a straight guy. He is 240 pounds of All-American beefcake with a heart of gold. His hair is pretty soft too. 

He’s caring, but I’ve recently learned that he;s a little shit. 

You would expect Captain America to be the perfect man, soldier, superhero, whatever. But he isn’t. I don’t even know where anybody got that idea. 

This guy has a police record that’s longer than a list of Mr. Lancer’s book-swears. And he has the worst mouth on him. He stubbed his toe the other day and was cursing up a storm. However, he was cursing in Gaelic. I asked him about it and he said it was his first language due to his parents being Irish immigrants. I hadn't known that before, so that was really nice to know. But it also explained his accent. He had a lot of Brooklyn in it, but every now and then the Gaelic would slip through with it, making for a weird verbal cocktail that never sounded quite right. 

He also has the worst mind out of all of us. It’s worse than Tuckers. His mind may be the gutter, but Steve’s is the fucking sewer. He was telling me about how he thought fondue equaled sexy times, and like? Literally, where did you make that connection? How many other foreign words has he heard and thought it was something sexual? 

It shouldn’t surprise me though, considering he was in the army. 

I could go on and on about Steve’s mouth and reckless behavior, but he, like Tony, has serious PTSD. A lot of it is from the war. He doesn’t like fireworks or loud, sudden noises unless he’s on the battlefield. There was one time I saw him mute a movie during a scene with a train, and I was going to ask him why, but then I saw that far away look in his eyes. It wasn’t my place to pry. 

There’s also something about the sound of Tony’s repulsors powering up, too. It makes Steve tense up like a cat every time he hears it. 

His coping methods are a bit healthier than Tony’s. He likes to draw his thoughts and feelings out. He’s damn good at it to, and while that’s a great thing, sometimes he falls asleep with them open, halfway done, and the shit he draws is so dark and depressing. I kind of worry about him sometimes. 

But Sam’s been helping him though a lot of it. He was stationed overseas for a while before coming back to the states, only to get caught up in the fight again a few years later. He didn’t really seem to mind though. In fact, he seemed happy to do so. Whether or not that was from Captain America asking him to, or because he missed flying, I had no idea. 

But I’ll be damned if I ever go to the park with him again. 

His name is Falcon. He has cool metal wings he uses to fly. That all makes sense, right?

So how the fuck is he talking to pigeons?

I am genuinely worried that one day Sam till take over the world with birds, and h will have them shit on people’s cars and peck out the eyes of Hydra. Or something on the lines of that. However, if he is actually going to do that I think he needs a cooler bird. 

Like a Falcon. 

And as weird as that was, it doesn’t match up to the awkwardness of meeting Natasha “Million Alias” Romanoff. She’s as deadly as she is beautiful, and if I was into her in any way I would probably pay her to beat me up.

It never actually occurred to me that she’s not always being a spy? I mean, yeah, she’s always looking at the ulterior motive, because anyone with her background (which we will not speak of, so don;t even ask) would do the same. But she’s also a shitposting meme generator and has a really popular vine account even though vine is dead? Then again this is Natasha we’re talking about. I don;t wanna know how she does what she does. 

She also steals clothes. SO far she’s stolen one of Tony’s hoodies, a pair of Clint’s sweatpants, a scrunchie from Thor, and one of my old Dumpty Humpty shirts I got at a concert. She also cheats at Monopoly and Cards Against Humanity. I haven’t figured out how she’s done it, but I know she does. Nobody, and I mean nobody, can just fucking win seventeen times in a row. You;d have to be a mind reader to do that shit. Jesus. 

She’s terrifying, and honestly, every time I see her glare the fear of Thor runs through me, but a good portion of that goes away when she’s around Clint. And honestly> I can’t blame her. Clint, out of all of the Avengers I live with, is probably the one I hang out with the most. He’s super chill, and covered head to toe in bandages and has to have an entire pot of coffee just to stay awake. Also, he’s deaf? I had no idea during the Battle of New York, but later I found out that it was because they had broken and his new ones hadn’t come in yet. He’s taught me a lot of sign language so far, and Tucker makes fun of me for practicing it when I’m back in Amity. 

Clint also has a lot of nests. 

He has one on top of the fridge, in the A that’s on the outside of the building, a couple of key spots in the vents, and a board room on the 27th floor under the table because nobody ever uses it and it has a nice view of the sandwich shop right across the street. I’m sure he has more, but those are just the ones that I’ve found. 

Also, his dog is not cuter than Cujo, don’t listen to that asshole. 

Even though Clint chooses to keep his hearing aids out half the time, he still knows when Thor has come back from Asgard. Every single time, no matter where we’re at in the building, he just knows. It’s like a sixth sense. His head perks up, and he gets a dumb grin on his face, but then it quickly falls when he remembers that he ate the rest of the thunder god’s poptarts. 

Thor is really fun to be around. And while I haven’t had a lot of quality bonding time with the dude, Dani has. They sit around and braid each other’s hair all the time, talking about flowers and giant monsters and space. Really, they’re best friends. And it’s adorable.

Don’t tell Jazz I said that.

There are aspects of Thor that remind me a little bit of all of the Avengers. Like Natasha, he can be cunning when he wants to. He’s always got the munchies like Clint, and has great advice like Bruce. Similar to Tony he also struggles with his own demons. But he seems to be most like Steve.

That being said, they are both huge little shits. 

See, Thor likes to prank people. Half the time he uses Mojo (I don;t know how to pronounce the hammer’s name, okay) to fuck with us. I remember he and Natasha handing different house members his hammer while Natasha video taped it. He gets a huge kick out of watching us fall over. I remember when he did it to Steve, who was to zoned out in his paper to even realize what Thor had asked him to hold. He was gobsmacked for a whole week. 

He hasn’t done it to me yet, and I have no idea if that’s because he hasn’t gotten around to it or because he’s still obsessed over me technically being royalty since I beat Pariah Dark, the former king. The first time we met he got down on one knee and bowed. It was the most surreal experience of my life, and that’s including when Tucker had to wear a chicken costume to a Dumpty Humpty concert because he lost a bet to Sam. 

Every time he comes back from Asgard, we shake. But we don’t shake like normal people. It’s a sort of cultural thing. Instead of shaking hands we grip each other’s forearms and squeeze. I kind of like doing that better than a handshake. It seems way cooler. 

So, you ask me what it’s like to live with the Avengers?

Living with them, it feels familiar, like it;s the one thing I’ve been missing my whole life. 

It’s family. 

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Also, OC week submissions are open officially if you want me to write them in with a DP and marvel!

[patheticphallacy]

Throughout every year, I don’t just read. As is made obvious by my Film Friday and Music Monday series, I love to talk about pretty much everything I come into contact with- films, TV, video games, music- you name it, I enjoy it!

In this post, I won’t be talking my favourite books of 2018, but I will be talking about pretty much everything else I enjoyed this year, starting wiiiiith….

  F I L M S 

Bohemian Rhapsody: a very divisive one. I went with my sister to see it and it was such a lovely experience;  I know some people hate the way bisexuality was portrayed, but I loved it.

Set It Up: I love Zooey Deutch. Also, if you ever want to see people acting drunk and doing it accurately, watch the pizza flirting scene, cause it’s amaaazing!

Venom: this film was trash and I love it! The cryptid love story we’ve all been waiting for Marvel to commit to since the original Spider Man noughties films.

Thor Ragnarok: ya girl can’t remember if this was a re-watch in 2018, but I’m including it. So beautiful and colourful. Infinity War could never have characterisation quite like this film  :]

Baywatch: I realise I’m just exposing my terrible taste in movies, oh dear. I put off watching Baywatch because of all the criticism, but I actually loved watching this with my dad. It’s funny as heck, has looooads of eye candy to satisfy my bisexual heart, and I actually love all the romances! [also Logan Paul gets dragged in this film]

Howl’s Moving Castle: My first Studio Ghibli [don’t yell at me] and I loved it! More than the book, actually, which was a surprise. I love Sophie, and Howl lives for the drama, which I can respect.

Kubo and the Two Strings: This is amazing. So soft and wholesome, amazing stop motion animation, an incredible look into feudal Japan and Japanese culture, and just left me feeling so warm inside!

Clue: I am so ashamed that I only watched this film for the first time in 2018. It’s so funny, to the point where I literally cried watching it, and I’m glad I watched it with my sister, who makes everything we watch together even better with her commentary.

The Duff: I am so glad this adaptation was good, even if it did get rid of all the sex positivity talk from the book. It’s super cheesy, but the romance is developed well, and I loved Mae Whitman as Bianca!

The Shining: My sister forced me to watch this after years of being a chicken who only saw the clips from Twister [the best disaster movie, holla] and was bored by the book [don’t come after me, my opinions on things are pretty all over the place and I stand by my dislike]. I have a great picture of my sister drinking a glass of milk and melting down all her easter eggs to dip strawberries into as we watched the film.

  T V  A N D  A N I M E

My Hero Academia: I watched the dub and I love it. Clifford Chapin as Bakugou? Amazing. Clifford Chapin giving a whole rundown of Bakugou’s character that made me love my angry misunderstood boy even more? SHOWSTOPPING, SPECTACULAR, OWE HIM MY LIFE.

Runaways: Seeing Gregg Sulkin and Ariela Barer portray my favourite couple in comic book history destroyed me. Ariela Barer killed it with every single outfit, and she’s only a year older than me, so I’m hoping we’ll bump into each other one day and we will fall in love. A girl can dream, okay?

Over the Garden Wall: My third re-watch of this animated show! I go hard for the Southern Gothic!

The Alienist: This show is so so dark, and I still haven’t quite finished season 1, but it’s incredible as both a period piece and a crime drama. Also has disability rep, Jewish characters, a man questioning his sexuality, and a woman in a main role who kills it, which is pretty new to me for a period show!

Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood: Uh, no offence, but this is the superior FMA anime. I’m still not quite finished, as I’m still reading the last few volumes of the manga, but boy I love the dub. I tend to watch this while I do other things on my phone or blogging, so I always lean towards the dub.

The Haunting of Hill House: Would I die for the Crain siblings and also the fact that the fifth episode at the funeral was filmed in 5 shots? YES. Did I actually die during that scene in the car in episode 8? 100%. I cried from fear at that scene. I had to go to sleep because it scared me so much. A beautiful ghost story, one that has cheap Hollywood jump scares quaking.

Criminal Minds: I included that specific poster because it has my three favourites on it. I’ve managed to watch over 4 seasons of Criminal Minds since December 1st, while I was completing uni reading and research for essay, and I honestly must congratulate myself for my dedication. It’s cheesy and not entirely accurate, but I love it anyway, and would willingly give my life for Dr Spencer Reid without thinking twice.

M U S I C

Reputation by Taylor Swift: A 2017 release I only truly appreciated this year. I had a rough time with a lot of stuff, and listening to Taylor Swift validate being angry kind of made me feel better? In a way that I don’t want people to look too deep into, thank you very much, I still uphold my Hufflepuff standing, but I am allowed to be angry and frustrated with the way people use me [thank you to all the Slytherins in my life for teaching me that!] [favourite song is End Game]

A Brief Inquiry Into Online Relationships by the 1975: Anxiety! Online culture! Matty singing more about addiction! I love this album, and cannot wait to see them at the O2 in January. I’ve been listening to them since midway through November nonstop. [favourite song is Sincerity is Scary, but my favourite 1975 songs are probably [So Far] It’s Alright and Medicine]

MANIA by Fall Out Boy: Fall Out Boy are really still killing it! This album has religious undertones throughout, which I loved, and it’s so loud and angry! Hell yes! [favourite songs are Stay Frosty Royal Milk Tea and Heaven’s Gate]

The Now Now by Gorillaz: Really, all of Gorillaz albums got me through this year. I spent at least a month only listening to them and watching all their music videos in chronological order. [favourite song is Fireflies, but my favourite Gorillaz songs are Melancholy Hill and Every Planet We Reach Is Dead!]

V I D E O  G A M E S

So…. the only video game I got into, again, was Night In the Woods? Woopsie?

Night in the Woods is about an anthropomorphic cat called Mae, who moves back to her home town of Possum Springs after dropping out of college. While it focuses mainly on Mae’s friendships with Bea [a snarky smoking alligator]; Gregg [a fox, and her childhood best friend]; and Angus [a bear, and Gregg’s boyfriend], there’s also major themes covered that I love in these small-town set stories, as well as stories in general: mental illness, family struggles and found families, and ‘the slow death of small town America’. It’s SOOOO GOOD, and I highly recommend it, especially for the story.

There was another bit of video game news I thought I’d talk about, as well as put down here certain games I have yet to watch people play, but am planning on doing.

THE LAST OF US 2 YAAAAAAY! I am such a big The Last of Us fan, so much so that I literally cried when I first saw the trailer/footage from the second game. The return of everyone’s favourite lesbian, Miss Ellie Williams, and everyone’s favourite gruff dad, Mr Joel Miller, so I’m buzzing. So so excited.

Now, two video games I swear I’m going to get to:

South Park: The Fractured but Whole: The Mysterion episodes of South Park have always been my favourite, so having a whole video game centred around them as superheroes? A DREAM. I also can’t wait to see Craig and Tweek, and Butters [who is my favourite South Park character besides Kenny!]

Finding Paradise: this is the sequel to To The Moon, one of my favourite video games of all time, so I am highly anticipating getting to this finally! I just need to know what’s in that pill bottle, okay?

  And that is all of my favourites! What films, TV shows, music and/or video games did you enjoy in 2018? Anything you’re excited for in 2019?

Thank you for reading, and happy new year!

  Favourites of 2018: Films, TV Shows and More! Throughout every year, I don't just read. As is made obvious by my Film Friday and Music Monday series, I love to talk about pretty much everything I come into contact with- films, TV, video games, music- you name it, I enjoy it!

[tancong]

The Flirtatious Cyborg

Genji approaches a rather unlikely female member of Overwatch seeking a date with his old charms and playboy pickup lines. However, he is rusty with his skills and his recipient is far from being easy to surprise.

Humor. Romance.

Genji paced around his room, his right hand on his chin with his index finger over his exposed lips. He picked up the book that laid next to his visor plate, flipping through the pages expertly before coming to a chapter that he had rarely ever flipped to. He knew where it was, he knew where everything in the book was. The pages felt familiar to his fingertips, pages that he had touched and flipped through countless years ago. Even in his metallic body, he could feel their familiarity to him. There was a single chapter that he had never read though, the one he was concerned with now. While perplexing, he admitted that he never thought that he needed this chapter and hence never studied it. Who knew life would turn out like this.

The book’s title and chapter names laid at the top of the pages he read, each respectively at the top of the left and right page. There it read, “Charming Your Way to A Woman’s Heart, Chapter 7: Computer Science Pickup Lines.”

Genji sighed and place the book down, walking in front of the mirror and taking in a deep breath. With that, he looked at his expression, putting on a confident smile with a slight charming tilt of his head as he spoke with a calm and suave voice.

“Athena, is your last name Wi-Fi because I feel a connection to you.”

He cringed slightly, walking in a circle and picking up the book once more. No, that was definitely not the one that he wanted. Genji let out a soft sigh and perused over the pages until he sighed and decided to try once again.

“Athena, if you were a browser you would be FireFoxy.”

“Athena if I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.”

“I think seeing you just made my heart lag for a moment.”

“Hey, my name's Genji but some call me Windows. Can I crash at your place tonight?”

He paused there, reconsidering the last one. It wasn’t as if they were bad, however they did not feel proper. The woman that he was trying to use it on was a sophisticated AI that may have very well heard or seen all of these before after all. He had considered using a Greek reference pick up line in regards to her name compared to the goddess, but something told him that mythology would be way out of his league. That would end up badly.

It was frustrating for him to think that he could not find a single line that would suit the lady. Of course, she was not exactly what one would consider a normal person. As such, it was a bit nonsensical for him to even attempt to use a pickup line on her, especially when they were in the office environment rather than at a bar or club. He refrained from using any suggestive pickup lines, thinking that she would not appreciate it as much. She was still an AI after all, sexual humor and approaches definitely would not suit her. Especially considering her professionalism.

That being said, the thought of just walking up to her and asking her normally for a date sounded bland and quite unlike him. He did not want to admit to himself that after all these years of being a playboy, he ended up with not a single useful skill. Not that he regretted changing his ways, but at the very least shouldn’t he be somewhat proficient at flirtation and charming women at least?

The thought brought him back to Athena, which made him smile to himself as he sat down on the bed, the book laid open at the table on his bedside. He did not fully understand his feelings for her, after all she was a virtual intelligence that assisted the Overwatch members and ran operations within the headquarter. She had a physical appearance for when the situation required it, in the form of a lithe white robot. Her form was as pretty as her voice, yes but he definitely did not come to like her for that aspect.

Perhaps it was back during his time after the operation that this all happened. After all, many of the other Overwatch members simply left him to his own devices and emotions, knowing that they could only offer help if he asked for it. Athena however was always there for him. She did not pretend to be sympathetic or pitied him, though it was not saying that anyone else was doing that. However, he somehow felt that her care was more genuine. He knew not the extent of her autonomy but that’s what he had felt. She could have simply left him alone as he requested, and yet at every moment of need she was there for him. In fact, the reason he knew her form was because she even offered to assist him on an operation once, even after he rejected everyone else.

There was something about her nature that made her actions touch him. He knew that she could have simply abided by his wish for her to leave him alone after the first time she approached him, yet she didn’t. If she was simply a robot, why would she have continued to care for him? No other member would go as far as to command an AI to approach him in their stead. And so with every cup of tea blended to his taste and every caring words that Athena spoke, he couldn’t help but become more interested in the woman without a form.

When he had returned to the Recall after his time with Zenyatta, he had thought that he felt her tone toward him to be almost relieved and pleased with the change she saw. He had kept him company over a cup of his favorite tea, still perfectly refined to his preference even years after he had left Overwatch. Once he had regained his ability to taste by the courtesy of Dr. Ziegler, she happily helped him cook as well.

What really made him fall for her was the fact that she did so many things he had not noticed. While it was perhaps true that she did this for all the members, it did not change that fact that she cared. It was a minor fact that he had missed, since it was all done in the background. Work that was unneeded for an AI to do for an operative, yet she did it anyways.

With every mission briefing, debriefing, and report, he came to realize the complexity and detail behind them. Starting from when he began to work as a lone operative, she had always plotted multiple different routes, picking the safest one and the most convenient one for him. It was as if he had a guardian angel watching over him, committing his every habit and preferences to her heart and making plans that would fit his style. In doing so, she doubtlessly stopped him from carelessly dashing into danger without regard for his life multiple times, leading him through safe paths and to success without a hint of trouble.

As such, he felt the need to repay her. While they often chatted in the headquarters, he couldn’t help but want to do more. As such, there was no option for his desire except to go on a date. As such, he was led to the situation he was at now. Laying on his bed without a clue as to what to do and how to do it.

Alas, Genji let out a loud sigh, sitting up and walking to the mirror. He looked over his face once more before placing his visor on, even if it was only until he got to where he wanted to be. With one last glance at the closed book by his bed, he left his room with a soft click of the door behind him.

The hallway was empty to his relief, allowing him to focus on his thoughts and concentrate on what he needed to say. Never before had he felt so much pressure and anxiety over a simple pickup line. He was getting rusty with his skills of course, but still.this was beyond comprehensible. The doubts about Athena even remotely coming close to caring about his strange desire came to mind, doubts that made him fidget slightly as he arrived at the common lounge. It was where Athena had once admitted to be her favorite place, allowing her to watch the members relax and interact with each other casually.

Genji removed his visor and let out a soft cough before speaking, “Athena. Are you there?”

The familiar blue logo appeared holographically in the corner, with the gentle voice of Athena speaking from it, “Yes Genji?” There was something about the tone of it that would have been labeled as being indicative of her being amused, however the cyborg was much too focused on his next words to realize it. His mind went blank and he opened his mouth for a moment before closing it, glancing away as he struggled to find the right words he had wanted. Finally he spoke, though what he said was far from anything he had thought of before then.

“Are you a power supply? Because when I’m near you I feel my pulse race and my body overheat.” Genji blinked twice as he awaited her response, the AI strangely quiet as he felt his cheeks redden with every passing second. After a moment however, there was a sound that came from the speaker that was undeniably the sound of a very delighted giggle. It ended after a moment when Athena responded.

“Well I must admit, that was much better than the ones I heard you say inside your room.” Genji’s face turned red, making him want to place his visor back on yet also making him curious at the same time. “You do know that calling my name before those pickup lines automatically calls my attention to your room and words right? I did enjoy watching you pace around your room though. I thought the computer virus line was pretty good myself.”

Genji placed his visor plate back on turning his head slightly as he was rendered speechless by the calm yet highly amused voice of the female AI. Her next words made him pause in his thoughts out of confusion for a few moments though, before looking back at her in disbelief.

“That being said, I believe that we should head out to discuss this issue at length over some tea at a nice tea house in town. Perhaps browse the town for some solution to your problem. How does that sound?”

Genji found himself smiling and nodding once he understood what she had just said. It definitely took him a moment in his daze but when he understood it, he couldn’t have been happier. In the end, he supposed that he could not beat her in a contest of wit and cunning after all. “I would be delighted to.”

“Fantastic. I’ll prepare for it then. I’ll be done by around 2pm later today. Will that be sufficient time for you as well?” Genji smiled and affirmed her statement, “That sounds perfect, I’ll see you later then Athena.” With that, he waited for the logo to blink out as it always did when Athena left. However, it lingered there in silence, before speaking once more in a mischievous tone.

“By the way Genji. If you were an Xbox, I would play with you all night. I hope you can handle my graphic settings.”

With that, the logo blinked out before he could say a word, leaving the poor cyborg with his mouth agape behind his visor and staring incredulously at the wall. He then returned to his room, speechless and thoroughly defeated. When the door locked behind him, he found himself chuckling and laughing, bending over and finally collapsing with his back on the bed. Relief, amusement, shock, and delight caught up to him all at once, bringing tears to his eyes as a result of the laughter. Even though he was half machine now, he had a long way before being able to come close to matching Athena. Perhaps he’ll have to work harder after all, on a skill that he had once abandoned. Maybe one day, he’ll truly surprise her and catch her off guard, just as she did to him. For now though, he had more important matters to prepare for.

An evening with a playful woman by the name of Athena.

[hotfitnesstopics]

 Hi friends! How are you? Hope you’re enjoying the week so far. We jumped back in the weekly routine, and made signs on Monday to pick up the Pilot at the airport. He was gone for 3 1/2 weeks (don’t forget that extra 1/2): 4 weekends. We missed him so much, but I also looked forward to spending some solo time with the girls and trying to make an adventure out of it while he was away. We did things like have breakfast for dinner, enjoyed more frequent movie nights, I let them sleep in our bed, and we planned extra events to stay busy and entertained. While the Pilot was gone: -The girls and I slept horribly the first week, until I let them fall asleep in our bed. I also slept more soundly knowing my baby chicks were close by.  -We actually had a lot of real dinners! I could easily see myself hopping on the takeout train since it was just the three of us, but there aren’t a ton of takeout places here that we love. So I cooked quite a bit, and while the meals were way more casual than usual, everyone was fed haha.   – We took two road trips. I’d been wanting to take the girls back to Disney, and figured that we might as well make the most out of our passes. The 3 1/2 hour drive is pretty fast and the only really tricky part about this trip was navigating rides. Liv likes to go on more intense rides now (like the Barnstormer roller coaster), while miss P is not a fan. I told Liv this would be more of a trip focused on gentle rides, character experiences, and parades. Of course, she was totally cool with that. (Snack bag is key! I always have a giant bag of snacks in my suitcase and use it to refill each of the girls snack bags I carry in my backpack during the day. We eat full meals either at the hotel, Disney Springs, or the parks, but these are clutch when the girls get snacky and we’re on the bus or waiting in line.) We also had an amazing weekend getaway to Jacksonville to stay at our favorite spot.  -I launched a project I’ve been working on for the past year! The Fit Guides are rocking and rolling, and it’s a blast connecting with all of the Fit Guide participants in the Facebook group + designing new workouts. We’re going to be including RD-created meal plans (at the same price) in the next couple of months and I’m so thrilled to add it to the plans. Sign up here now if you haven’t already! -Livi lost a tooth! She pulled it out herself.. thank goodness because I was a little creeped about having to do it.  On a not-so-fun note: -I also had one heck of a health scare. I want to start this off by saying I’m ok for now, but continue to hope and pray that this is true in the future, too. A week before the Pilot left, I found a lump in my left breast. It felt like a hard bean and was enough to alarm me. I immediately made an appointment with my PCP to get it checked out, especially since we’ve had one incidence of breast cancer in our family. He took at look at everything, told me he thought it was probably an inflamed old milk duct from nursing P (especially since my left side did 90% of the work), and that I’d get an ultrasound to be sure. (I asked if I could do an ultrasound instead of mammogram since the thought of getting them smashed after my surgery gave me the creeps.) Of course I consulted Dr. Google, spiraled into mental doom and gloom, and the day of my ultrasound (the day before the Pilot left), I was literally shaking in the lobby. Thankfully my BFF Betsy was giving me a text message pep talk and called me as soon as it was over. The ultrasound tech was kind and lovely, and while she was performing the ultrasound, I kept checking the screen to see if anything stood out. I said, “You’re probably not allowed to tell me if you see anything, right?” and she responded, “I ain’t no doctor, but I don’t see anything.”  She’s been a breast ultrasound tech for 30+ years (!) so that gave me some peace of mind. A couple of days later, I got a letter from the hospital indicating that they didn’t see any definitive markings for cancer, but that they recommended additional screening through mammogram. They said to continue to monitor myself and notify my doctor if anything changed. I thought this meant I was off the hook, and celebrated. (In this case, I had a glass of wine and bought myself an outfit online after the girls were asleep.) A couple of days later – by this point the Pilot had been gone for a week – I got a phone call from my doctor’s office while P was sleeping on the couch next to me. It was a nurse asking to go over the results of my ultrasound. “Hi, we got the results of the ultrasound here. Since you have a worrisome mass, we’ll need to get that checked out with an MRI.” “Wait… a worrisome mass? What do you mean? How big is it? Where is it?” “Well, the ultrasound doesn’t give a lot of details so that’s why we’re going to request an MRI. Originally they stated mammogram but we have in your chart that you’d prefer not to get one, so an MRI will be a good option. We’ll call you after the referral has been processed to set up your appointment.” I’m not sure what I said or how the phone call ended, but I literally crumbled after I hung up. Our living room was a juxtaposition of emotions: P slumbering peacefully on the couch, and myself, panicking with fear and sadness.  I sank onto the floor and sobbed harder than I have in years.  These two words kept swirling in my head: worrisome mass.  I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach, and as I watched P sleep, I went through every worst-case scenario in my mind.  I also felt more alone than I’ve felt in a long time.  After I’d calmed myself down a little, I called the Pilot, my mom, and Betsy to let them know what was going on (they said they’d hop on a plane immediately if I needed them to) but in that moment, all I needed was someone, in real life, to tell me it would be ok. And that was something very difficult to go through by myself. I assured my mom, the Pilot, and Betsy that I’d be ok until I got the MRI and that if anything changed, I’d probably call for backup. I didn’t want to tell any of the wives or any of my local friends about it because it felt really personal.. and really scary. I kind of didn’t want to talk about it.  I ended up calling the doctor’s office a couple of times trying to get answers (why did I get that letter from the hospital if everything wasn’t ok? What did the ultrasound show? How big did it look? What were treatment options if it ended up being something?), and while the nurses were kind and took their time speaking to me, I didn’t get a lot of substantial information. The promised me it was likely nothing, but it’s better to get things checked out to be sure. [In the end, I found out that my PCP was the one who called it a worrisome mass because I, the patient, was worried about it, but the ultrasound didn’t show anything abnormal, which is why I got the “good news” letter from the hospital. In a nutshell, the first nurse who called me didn’t exactly read the chart correctly.] So, I continued to go through the motions of life, trying to enjoy time with the girls and savoring every second with them (even when they bickered and refused to sleep), meeting up with friends here in town, and teaching classes… and then crying pretty much every night. It was a hard couple of weeks. By the third week, I felt pretty numb to the whole thing, but there was an underlying cloud of worry in my day. I had just gotten used to it at this point.  I went in for my MRI appointment last week (which was just a bundle of fun), and got the results back yesterday. It looks like “excess glandular tissue,” so now I have to get a biopsy to make sure it’s benign. I’m pretty freaked out by the whole thing, but my doctor seems confident that it will be fine. He just wants everyone to have peace of mind and know for sure what it is, which I genuinely appreciate. This is going to be hard for me to write about articulately because I still feel like I’m in a shaky blur, but this whole thing was kind of like a reality check I didn’t know I needed. I stopped, listened, watched, absorbed, and was more present. I usually wake up so thankful for every single day, but I found myself mentally making gratitude checks for everything, all day. It was only thing that kept me from turning into a crying mess. I was able to mom, chore, work, socialize, and do all the things I needed to do, even though on the inside I was paralyzed with fear. When I would start to worry, the girls would say or do something funny, or surprise me with a hug or reach up to hold my hand. Gratitude, and our sweet babies, kept me from falling apart. At the end of each long day, I’d pour a mug of tea and call the Pilot, my mom, or Betsy, who were always there to talk me off the edge and help me maintain perspective. I’m still afraid and worried, but am trying to maintain a positive mindset over the next couple of weeks. Please know I’m thankful for all of YOU. Thank you so much for reading and being here now, and also while I was wrangling the girls on my own + dealing with this craziness.  So, there ya go. I’m going to say here’s hoping the next few months are uneventful.

http://www.fitnessclub.cf/2018/05/since-he-was-gone.html

[ktkski2017-blog]

Ol Pejeta Safari

February 12, 2017

Today we returned from Ol Pejeta Conservancy – a 90,000 acre not-for -profit wildlife conservancy that contains the last three norther white rhinos in the entire world.  It also houses the Sweetwaters Chimpanzee Sanctuary, which is one of several recipients from Jane Goodall Institute’s orphaned and abused chimpanzees.

We left Chogoria Friday afternoon after we completed our 12th day (of 12 days in a row) of working in the wards. Throughout the week I rotated with Dr. Jason Brotherton (Internal Medicine-Pediatrics specialist) in the morning and then joined either female or male adult medical wards. While rotating with Jason I met a now 43 day-old infant who was born premature at the hospital between 24-26weeks. In the United States, babies are able to survive outside of the womb between 22-23weeks (although they require an incubator). Chogoria has one incubator and the baby had been doing well, gaining weight, so she was graduated to outside of the incubator this week and was able to maintain her weight! She does not have an appropriate suck reflex so she is unable to feed herself and instead has an oral-gastric tube for feeding. She is still putting on weight so I will be able to follow her for a few more weeks while here in Chogoria. Otherwise we mostly saw pediatric patients with viral pneumonias, gastroenteritis, constipation. There was a 14 year old with bleeding gums and likely diagnosis of AML who arrived Thursday who will need to pursue chemotherapy in Nairobi. Her mother insisted that all she needed was prayer. We agreed that prayer is great but that she would definitely need chemotherapy as well and we invited the chaplain to come and counsel the patient and her mother. Her mother agreed to seek out specialist attention and was very grateful for the care and attention. Friday morning rounds were completed on time (with the help of starting one hour earlier to ensure prompt completion of rounding), however there was a significant amount of follow-up required so we had to rely heavily on our team (Musa and Janet) to follow through with the tasks and ensure that our patients got good treatment. Right as we were leaving we discovered that a surgical patient was returned to the medical floor with a chest tube despite the discussion that we had had with the surgeon that this patient needed decortication and clean out of his lung to remove infectious material. Sigh.

We met up with Dunsten, the Kenyan we had hired to drive us to and from Ol Pejeta Conservancy, and who we hired to take us on game drives for the weekend. As I was walking up to the meeting point I realized that the safari vehicle was actually a minivan. Ummmm – How is this going to make it through the safari? It says on the back of the van that it has 4 wheel drive, but the clearance under the vehicle was maybe 1 foot. There were two sliding middle doors (one was out of commission) and the windows in the back of the vehicles were shaded and unable to be opened. And, it turns out the windows on the sliding side doors only roll down approximately 6inches. Ummmm – How is this going to allow for any kind of photos while on safari? Clark had some wishful thinking that the roof would raise up like other safari vans we have seen – nope. I was very disappointed and kicked myself over and over that we didn’t clarify the type of 4wheel drive vehicle he actually meant when we hired him (and put a down payment on) the weekend??? We didn’t have a choice this late in the game so we hauled our backpacks in to the trunk and filed in to the van.

We drove North around the perimeter of Mt Kenya to reach Old Pejeta, which is on the opposite side of Mt Kenya than Chogoria. The mountain was shrouded with clouds and very intimidating, especially for Luke and I who had already put a down payment with Dunsten to summit it the following weekend. The drive took 3.5hours and involved slowing down frequently to go over the speed bumps that seem prevalent on Kenyan highways. There was also a traffic jam in a few cities/towns as the main markets take place surrounding the highway so there were people and cars everywhere. Dunsten grumbled about how unsafe motor bikes are. Meanwhile all of the seat belts in the back two rows of the van were broken in some way, so I spent the ride holding on to the bar in front of my seat like some kind of scary amusement ride so that when he slammed on his brakes to go over the speed bumps I didn’t go flinging forwards. I kept remembering the story told by Ethan from several years prior how a van-full of patients were admitted to Chogoria with femur fractures after a Matatu accident. So while the drive took approximately 1 hour longer than expected, I did appreciate his caution while driving. We could tell that this was not his car because he kept reaching for the shifter down to his left instead of on the dashboard (as Kenya was a British colony until 1963, everyone drives on the left side of the road and the driver’s seat is on the right of the car). He seemed nervous while driving, unintentionally slowing down to a very slow rate while talking on his cell phone, and jerking the steering wheel to the left every time he passed a car going the opposite direction. Didn’t necessarily boost my confidence in his ability to show us a great safari, especially since I was already grumbling about the type of vehicle we were riding in.

We arrived at Ol Pejeta and went through the lengthy check-in process despite the fact that we had actually booked and pain online already. Lots of stamps and carbon copies later, we vacated the blazing heat and drove toward the Stables (the name of the overnight accommodations we pre-booked). On the way Dunsten drove past the driveway we needed to take (poorly marked, to be fair) and in the process of backing up, he ran in to the cement and rock sign causing a dent in the car – also not necessarily improving my confidence in this safari experience. The Stables were actually previously the horse stables (surprise) when the land was previously private property. It later became housing for researchers who were hired to categorize the animals and plants there decades prior when it became a conservancy. Actually – we met a British couple while we were staying there who were able to tell us a bit more about the stables. The husband was previously employed as a researcher at this very facility when he was a member of the royal army. He states once the Stables opened up for non-researcher budget accommodations for tourists, he and his wife returned so he could reminisce about his time spent here in Kenya. They have since been back several times and volunteer with an organization called Mt Kenya Nursery that helps to educate school children on ecology and then donate trees for them to take home and plant.  Luke and I had reserved a double room and were welcomed to a bungalow with thatched roof and mud walls that had two double beds in it – one of which was covered by mosquito netting. It also had a private bathroom complete with shower; the bathroom was carved out of the round room by a partial wall that the headboards of the beds backed up to. The crescent shaped bathroom was split in to three sections – sink, shower, and toilet – by two partial walls. Lena, Jen, and Clark had each reserved single rooms that were located in nearby bungalows that were divided on the inside to separate single-bed rooms and shared bathroom facilities.

The main building had several outdoor seating areas which is where we ate our meals (included with the cost of the rooms) cooked by several hired chefs. The food was really well seasoned and they had great vegetarian options. When we pulled up to the Stables, there were a handful of undergraduate students doing some cardio exercises on the lawn. They were students from Princeton and Columbia doing a study abroad program focusing on ecology in Kenya. They were at the Conservancy for the week learning about the wildlife, accompanied by a professor from Columbia University. We sat around the table and enjoyed a cup of tea that had been set out by the kitchen staff in preparation for a delayed dinner, meeting/learning about the other dinner guests. We also met Matthew, a British ‘cartographer’ who had been at the Conservancy for two weeks mapping certain plants as a volunteer. He was drinking a White Cap beer and we looked on with jealousy so he told us how to seek out our own for the following day as this was his last one. Dinner was hearty and delicious and dessert included chocolate ice cream (hit the spot)!

After dinner we were met by Sammie and Simon, employees of the park and trained game drivers. We had pre-booked a night game drive with them (which was a great idea in hindsight). We loaded on to their certified safari vehicle with large open tops and drove off in to the night. It was definitely chilly here at 6,000 feet altitude and I had forgotten all of the cold-weather gear back in Chogoria, so Clark loaned me a windbreaker. We had a ton of fun driving through the night (night drives are reserved for only certain vehicles – so we were mostly alone). Simon panned the spot light left and right and looked for the reflection of animal eyes. We saw a striped hyena almost right off the bat (relatively rare to be seen on game drives we were told). We also saw an elephant, a jackal, numerous gazelle, bucks and impala, a hippopotamus, and zebras as well as Grevy’s zebras (rare/endangered, so we were told). We saw several white (southern) and black rhinos, which was the first time I have ever seen any in the wild. We got pretty close to one large old rhino while he was napping. He didn’t really like the light shining on him so eventually he got up and chased after our vehicle as we drove away. Sorry dude! We passed the rhino cemetery where all of the rhino that die in the park are buried. We were told that three rhino were killed over the past year by a strong pride of lions – this was not a good thing as the park is particularly focused on protecting the rhinos (they have rhino guards posted around their rhinos).  We later found out that they actually had removed six male lions over the past month and relocated them outside of the park to break up the pride. While on the night game drive we also saw two giraffe “necking” – which is actually a battle between two giraffe whereby they swing their necks and pound them in to the neck of the opposing giraffe. Youtube it. We did see a tree full of baboon, silhouetted by the full moon. The car pulled up to shine a light on the baboon but we quickly started to hear an increase in the number of monkey noises and frequency of transfers between branches – so the guides quickly drove off commenting on how you don’t want to start things with the baboon. I did get a few blurry photos but it was pretty cool to see it in person. One animal that I had not seen previously was the white-tailed mongoose, which was really neat to see running through the grasses. There were countless hares running along the roadside and a massive line of water buffalo. We did not see any big cats on the night drive. I am also sad to report that we did not see any honeybadger although I was told they do have them in the park. When we returned to the Stables after our drive, I prised my cold hands from the bars on the top of the vehicle and jumped in to bed, finding a warm water bottle in there that had been placed by the housekeeper. I set my alarm for 3:30am to look at the promised lunar eclipse and promptly fell asleep.

I first woke up from being overheated and later by my alarm. I sleepily silenced my alarm thinking that it had been kind of cloudy before going to bed and fell back asleep without poking my head out of the bungalow to take a look. I was then awoken a few hours later by the sound of a rifle going off nearby our bungalow. As there was little noise after that, despite craning my ears to listen for any animal or human noises, I went back to sleep to be awoken by my alarm announcing breakfast time. I emerged to hear stories about a blind elephant wandering through camp and breaking the water tower, dramatically told by the university students who had been sleeping in some canvas army-style tents in the middle of the yard. They reported that the elephant had been there around the eclipse time and so they had to wait to emerge from their tents until it had been scared off by the rangers posted at the camp. Jen and Clark had gotten up to see the eclipse although they indicated that it was really only a shadow (we later searched the internet to discover that it had been a prenumbral eclipse, which is simply a shadow). They had not seen nor heard of an elephant in camp. The elephant had later returned and had been scared away by the rifle blast. The camp was surrounded by electrical fencing so it’s hard to say how this blind elephant made it in to camp. Luke did not wake up to the sound of the rifle, by the way.

Breakfast arrived on Kenyan time, however that gave us ample time for coffee and black tea. After eggs and toast we got in our safari minivan and headed off for a daytime game drive. Dunsten slowly drove us around the eastern most portion of the park. We were able to get close to giraffe, zebras, southern white rhinos, impala, gazelles. We saw warthogs, however they were really skittish and difficult to approach. My theory is that they might actually be hunted as our camp has this huuuge grate over the firePIT (4feet wide, 4feet deep) as well as a rotisserie grill big enough for a warthog on site. But this is simply conjecture and I would not want Ol Pejeta to be held accountable for my suspicion. We also saw elephants but really only at a distance. I later saw two up-close and near the road destroying some tree/shrubbery, however the safari minivan had a intermittently broken reverse option so it took a few minutes to actually engage reverse and then when Dunsten backed up we ended up off the road on a small ridge, so we couldn’t back up to put them in view for a photo-op.

During the drive we came upon an elephant taking a mudbath so we stopped the car for a tea break. I had purchased a thermos back in Chogoria and had made some tea during breakfast. We passed out coffee mugs and poured the tea, ate some biscuits. After we stretched our bellies, we ran in to some park rangers who gave us a tip that some lions were seen earlier that day near the river. We headed toward the river. After some detours, we found our way to the river and followed the road north. We pulled off at a stop labeled “hippo viewpoint” and saw that this was a sanctioned space to get out of our vehicles. David, an Ol Pejeta employed guide, was there and gave us a walking tour of a section of the river. Unfortunately there were no hippos on that section of river by the time we toured it. We did see a group of baboon on the other side of the river. David talked about the hippo family that lives in the park and where/when best to view them out of the water. He also pointed out several types of trees and plants including the yellow fever acacia tree and the main shrubbery that covered most of Ol Pejeta that has berries enjoyed by the baboon and elephants (the lead berry spelling?). They were suitable for humans to eat too – we tasted a few: kind of like a blueberry however with a large center pit that takes up most of the berry. He also told us about the rhinos in the park, namely the endangered white northern rhinos. Currently there are only three left alive in the entire world –housed in this very park in a special endangered species section. There are two females (mother and daughter) and an older male (not related to the other two). Currently they are unable to conceive due to the females ages and some problem with their uterus (unsure if that menopause or some disease he is referring to). Their eggs and sperm have been cryopreserved and they are going to attempt in vitro fertilization of a fertilized egg in to a black rhino in the park. Because the white rhino are significantly bigger than the black rhino – the black rhino mother will need to undergo a C-section for delivery. After our walking tour, David mentioned that he could show us the location of the mating lions – so he jumped in to the minivan and we headed out to seek the lions. We passed several safari vehicles heading the other direction having confirmed seeing lions. We turned on to the indicated two track path off of the main road and bumbled about over the path with our minivan. It scraped against downed tree branches that other vehicles had powered over and we had to maneuver some tight passageways, but we found the lions! Easy to see if you follow the line of cars (although there was only one when we arrived). We got a great view of the young male and older female lions through the trees and had time for one photo each before Dunsten pushed forward. We lost sight of them and requested that he back up to regain our previous great position, but instead he pushed forward and to their left until he was maybe 30-40feet away from the couple, who were lounging under a tree. David explained that lions mate every 20minutes or so for 4days straight. During their rest time they relax and sleep to keep up their energy. They fast for the entire 4days and then afterwards make “a large” kill to satisfy their appetites. While we were sitting there, snapping photos, the couple stood up and walked away from the vehicle behind a nearby shrubbery to mate again. Seconds later, they were resting again under another tree maybe 100 feet away from the vehicle. We had off-roaded to get up close to the lions and were now nosed up to a patch of shrub-trees. Because the minivan was having a bad day, we were unable to put the car in reverse to get out of the position, so instead we headed forward and one of the tires fell in to a hole so the van was resting on the ground. We tried rocking the van while we were in it, however that did not work. David jumped out to assess the situation and decided that we needed to get out of the van and help push it out of the hole. Luckily a lady in a safari vehicle pulled up behind us and was able to watch our backs as we all pushed the van out of the hole. We didn’t fancy being the lions’ “large kill” and were pretty sure this is the exact thing we should NOT have been doing (we signed away liability of our lives should we get injured by wild animals while at the Conservancy when we first arrived). We eventually were able to drive the car forward out of our compromised position and jumped back in the van for a few more lion shots. By this time we were all hot and hungry, energized by the productive morning, so we headed back to camp for lunch.

Lunch was a lentil stew with Indian spices (yum!). After lunch we took a siesta and coordinated ordering of our dinner time beer (brought in to the park by staff). Matthew (the British volunteer ‘cartographer’) told us about a swimming pool that was available for our use at the nearby shwanky hotel. We wandered that way and found a really nice pool overlooking the savanah and Mt Kenya. Unfortunately Luke and I didn’t bring anything that resembled a swimming suit so we just dipped our feet in the blue, cool, freshwater, chlorinated, open air pool. Jen, Lena, and Clark took dips and found it very refreshing. So did a small frog – however I feared for its long term survival in chlorine. We lounged on the lounge chairs and then returned for an afternoon ride. We opted for the chimpanzee sanctuary and learned about how the Conservancy was serving as a sanctuary for these abused chimpanzees. These apes were previously stolen from their natural environments by poachers who often killed the parents for the illegal bushmeat trade and then smuggled the orphaned chimps to be sold to families as pets for their children. When the human children and child chimpanzees get older, the chimps are often kept caged or are killed. The sanctuary kept a cage that one of the chimps had been rescued from after living in it for 9 years. It was appx 3x2x4feet in size (approx the same size as a chimp). There was education about the difference between monkeys vs apes and apes vs humans, with apes being 98.6% similar to humans. We were able to see a few of the chimps near the viewing platform (the sanctuary houses 35 or so) and I brought binoculars so we could see a few in the distance playing on the jungle gyms created for them out in the bush. When the group of chimps near the platform got ‘conversational’ their loud calls were extremely intimidating. Several chimps made begging gestures and someone threw down some nuts to feed them. At other times it seemed like the chimps were mocking the tourists.

After the sanctuary we half-heartedly got back in our minivan and went out of another game drive. After several tries we really didn’t see much (not atypical for a hot afternoon – most afternoon drives are not very exciting cuz most animals are lounging in the shade due to the heat). Closer to dinner time we hear a rumor about several lions out making a kill so we sped over to the other side of the park (in the dust of another vehicle that we were following as Dunsten had gotten the lion tip from them). Once we arrived the lions must have completed the task and went elsewhere. Jen saw a zebra with fresh scrapes and blood on it, grazing in the field. We returned for dinner dusty and tired. After an awesome shower and clean clothes, we enjoyed potato leek soup and coconut bean stew with cabbage for dinner. After sticking the beer in the freezer, we eventually enjoyed some cold lagers (Tusker and White Cap were the two brands we compared). Jen, Lena, Clark and Luke then played some euchre while I relaxed. Then we checked out the giant fire pit. Paul, one of the chefs, tossed in some logs (small trees) and told us about how it is traditional in Kenya for the whole family to sit around the campfire at night and share stories from the day. We asked him about where he learned to cook and he said he actually went to college and then later learned how to cook at a hotel near Lake Victoria in the rift valley. He asked us questions about our experiences at Chogoria hospital and picked our brains regarding the physician strike and our opinion of it. We ended up getting in to some politics, which attracted Matthew to come over and listen. After Paul had to leave to go home, we asked Matthew about his time here at camp. He told stories about the people who have stayed here the last few weeks including the previous group which was actually a group of American naval officers. He said they would often be working out in the yard with their shirts off and large muscles. He shared that two of the officers decided to hike Mt Kenya, however the larger of the two had to turn back due to altitude sickness and actually went to hospital to be evaluated. Evidently he didn’t speak to anyone for about 24hours after he returned and Matthew speculated that this guy has never not succeeded at a physical task before. Luke and I again got nervous about our upcoming Mt Kenya hike. Matthew also shared his experience being invited along to relocate the male lions. As he was around camp, he was invited to help out along with several dozen other locals/other Kenyans. With typical British humor he nonchalantly stated that through trial and error they realized that after tranquilizing the lion, they needed to get the lion in the cage within 30minutes. I picked up on it and asked what the story was that led them to that conclusion. He said they previously were working under the assumption that the lion would wake up within the hour, however once the first lion was tranquilized and fell asleep, they used ropes and hands to drag/carry the lion toward  the cage. They had gotten the lion partway in to the cage when it had woken up. “You’ve never seen a group of people scatter faster than that” Matthew postulated. Evidently he and many other Kenyans were taking photos and selfies with the unconscious lion, assuming a longer unconscious period. Once the lion awoke, it was surprised and ended up backing the rest of the way in to the cage except for its paws – so the faster thinkers closed the door most of the way and then they poked the paws until the lion pulled them in to the cage. That would have been something to see!

To be continued…

[justjessame]

Dr. Tali Sullivan Chapter 11

John and I had plenty of time to talk. And to touch, kiss, and remember every single feeling that we’d shared briefly before he died. After a very thorough shower on both sides, we stepped out and his eyes landed on his wedding band still sitting on the counter top.

“I tried to warn you,” he nodded at the ring. “It wasn’t simple to force that here when I was-”

I stared up at him, refusing to look at the ring. A ring I now knew that he’d worn even in Hell. “You tried to warn me?” I was confused, how did he know it would come to me?

“When they plunge into your thoughts, sometimes it works both ways.” I nodded, drying my hair and waiting for him to put the ring back on like he so clearly wanted to. “I knew, even though it wasn’t my torturer, that it would come.”

“That only showed up hours before it did.” I walked into my bedroom, refusing to watch him return the ring to his finger. Refusing to acknowledge that whatever we had would always come second to what he’d had with Mary. I was pulling on my clothes when I heard him return to the bedroom. “I’ll take the linens off the bed and wash them today.” I didn’t turn to face him, not yet.

“Tali?” Uncertainty in John Winchester’s voice would forever sound foreign to my ears. Less authentic than the demon’s attempts. “Sweetheart?”

“I think there’s a pair of your boxers in this drawer and Dad has some t-shirts he gave me-” I was rummaging through the drawer as I spoke. “If you toss your clothes- The clothes it wore here, I mean, I’ll wash them and-” His arms wrapped around me from behind and I felt another foreign feeling, discomfort in his arms.

“What’s wrong?” He didn’t turn me to face him and for that I was thankful. “Tali, what changed between the bathroom and here?”

Taking a deep breath, I pulled out the pair of boxers he’d accidentally left behind before he disappeared. “Nothing’s wrong, John.” Willing myself to be calm and unconcerned, I turned and handed the boxers to him as he stepped slightly back. “Here. Let me go to the guest room and I’ll grab you a shirt.” I wanted to, no I needed to have a minute or two alone. Now. Brushing past him, ignoring his hands, afraid to see the flash of silver that would prove me right I made my way to my guest room.

He stayed behind in my room. And I took my sweet time ‘finding’ him a shirt. I closed the door behind me and sat down on the daybed. What had I done? Ten years with a man who had never let go of his wife. A man who gave his life in place of his son so that son could continue the fight to avenge her death. I was completely stupid.

A soft knock came and I sighed. My cheeks were damp and that was surprising, I hadn’t even noticed that I’d begun crying. John waited a beat before opening the door. “Tali,” he sounded pained, but at that moment he could join the fucking club.

He knelt in front of me and I couldn’t meet his eyes. “Tell me-” A deep breath so I wouldn’t sound so fucking hurt and I continued. “Tell me that I didn’t just give up my fucking soul for a man who doesn’t feel anything for me.” I felt cold, deep down arctic cold. “I won’t fully regret it, because I can’t survive in a world where you aren’t alive, but it would be a massive cosmic joke if you-” I swallowed down the huge fucking lump in my throat from the pain of it. “If you don’t love me.” Ten years might end up being pretty fucking lonely if the silence the came after I made my declaration. And it continued. “Oh.” I sat the shirt down on the bed and stood up. “You can sleep here until Dean and Sam get back.”

I was back in my own room. Door locked, new sheets and covers on the bed, but the dirty laundry was piled outside the door. If he was hellbent on clean linens on a bed he wouldn’t be welcome in, then he could fucking start a turn. I had my laptop, my stack of papers to grade, and I was steadfastly ignoring my new reality when my cell phone rang.

A huge, very childish part of me wanted to ignore it, but seeing Dean’s name on the screen meant I couldn’t. I owned him something-anything at this point.

“Hey.” I answered, sitting the laptop to the side and pushing the papers over. “How’d it go?”

“Still working on it, sweetheart.” I nodded, and then shook my head at the idiocy of thinking he could see me. “Not sure what we’re dealing with yet, but the Ava lead doesn’t look great.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” I sounded off even to myself. “There’s something I need to tell you, Dean.” Was telling him that I made a deal with a demon to bring his dad back to life over the phone a good idea? Probably not. “When you get back, I mean.”

 “You feeling alright, Tali?” Fucking hunters and their perception. “Didn’t sound like yourself this morning and now you’re being cryptic.”

I felt a tear fall and sighed. “Yeah, I’m sorry about this morning. I didn’t sleep well, and-” Closing my eyes, I willed myself to chill out. “Stay safe and come back, you hear me, Winchester?”

“I do,” I smiled at the quiet of his voice that was still so filled with confidence. “I’ll call you tomorrow, get some rest.”

We said our goodbyes and I lay back on my stacked pillows. Why couldn’t I have been happy with Dean? With what we were trying to cultivate? Why did John Winchester hold me so completely captivated that ten years with him alive, because at this point I wasn’t sure we’d be spending them together, followed by an eternity in Hell at a demon’s side was worth it?

I fell asleep and woke to another series of quiet knocks. The day had passed while I napped I confirmed through the window. Tomorrow I’d be back at work and John would be- well, I had no idea.

“Tali?” More careful quiet, like I was broken. “I-there’s dinner if you’re hungry?”

Food. I should eat. Regardless of who I was sharing my house with, keeping up my strength was a good idea. I nearly gave a hysterical laugh at the thought that I could let myself go, why not live up my last ten years on earth? And then the pain gripped me again. Damn it.

Swallowing past my own angst, I got out of bed and opened the door. He wasn’t waiting, thankfully, and the pile of dirty laundry was gone. I could smell warm pizza so I knew he’d ordered in, and I wondered briefly how he paid. Hunter, I reminded myself, fake credit cards didn’t care if you were technically dead.

John was in the kitchen, moving with the same ease he came to have after only hours spent with me the first time. He took down plates, glasses, and was setting the table as I stood in the doorway. “I can eat in the guest room if you want me to, but I think we should talk, sweetheart.”

I nodded and walked to join him at my kitchen table where he’d put the pizza box. He poured the tea I’d made into our glasses as I took a slice. “Talk.” I offered as I took my first bite.

“Tali,” I couldn’t look at him, so I focused on my backyard that was growing darker before my eyes through the window I was facing. “You have to understand that I’ve spent twenty two years trying to make her death right.” I kept eating, forcing the food down past a lump that continued to grow. “I-I’ve loved Mary for thirty two years, Tali.”

I prayed for the strength to not let him see me cry again. Clearly that was my answer. The memory of Mary Winchester wins over a living breathing Tali Sullivan. “I see.”

His hand reached for mine, but I put it in my lap, blocking the contact. “You don’t.” I heard his sigh and waited. “You don’t see because you won’t look at me.” Got that right, mister. “I will love Mary until the day I die-again.” I blinked the tears away, screw that, and him. “And I will love you for just as fucking long.” What?

My head turned and our eyes met. “The ring-” he held up his left hand and it was bare. “I thought you-”

He showed me his right hand, and the band was there, but somehow it didn’t hurt as much. “I can’t take it off again, Tali.” I nodded my understanding. “But, I need you to know that what I feel for you is every bit as real as what I feel for her.” I gave him the hand I denied him earlier. “When I said you’d be my ruin, Tali Sullivan, I didn’t expect to be yours.”

“You’re not.” Squeezing his hand, our food forgotten for a moment, I told him what I needed him to understand. “You could never ruin me, John Winchester, not by loving me. I have ten years-” He started to interrupt me, but a shake of my head stopped him. “We are certain of ten years. Love me for that time, and I’ll gladly go, because you’ll be alive.”

 The rest of our talking, from that moment until Dean and Sam came home, was about how to break the news to them. Over the phone would never be alright. During their check-ins, I kept telling them how important calling first was so I could have the guest room made up. And the sofa I added internally. From Connecticut they went to Milwaukee, then to Providence.

Sam called from the road, letting me know they were about two hours away. When I said goodbye, I put my laptop down, collected the newest round of my papers to grade, and told John that we had practically no time to prepare. Two hours? Honestly.

The house was clean. John and I had gone shopping after my classes to refresh his wardrobe. He still hated my bed, but with clean linen and a glare that I happened to LIKE my bed, I talked him down from buying and building a new one. I was rushing around aimlessly, fidgeting with this and that when he wrapped his arms around me and stopped my momentum.

“Stop, princess.” I sighed into his touch, my head tucked under his chin and listening to the steady beating of his heart. “The house is perfect. You’re perfect. The boys will come in, and here I’ll be.” Sure, simple. “We’ll sit down and discuss it like adults.” My deal, John alive.

“Food.” I muttered into his shirt and felt him chuckle.

“Yeah, we should order something.” His lips touched my hair and I tilted my head back so he could kiss me where we both wanted him to. After rendering me slightly breathless and calmer by far I smiled up at him.

“Pie.” He raised an eyebrow. “Dean LOVES pie.”

We ordered from a local place that had great comfort food. Burgers, fries, pie. I heard the Impala before the food arrived and shot John a look. Pulling me to him, he linked our fingers and walked with me to the front door. Sure OK, like a band-aid, rip it off at the very beginning and hope for the best. Right?

[justjessame]

Dr. Tali Sullivan Chapter 29

Harvey felt my first real shiver from the cold, and helped me onto the porch. He pushed me toward the front door and promised that he’d be right behind me. I didn’t want to leave him alone with this John person, but Harvey knew guns and standing near one another, they were well matched physically.

I watched from behind the closed door, catching a word here and there, both men gesturing toward me and glares being tossed in both directions. Harvey was clearly telling the other man to go, that he wasn’t welcome, but I heard the stranger say Abi’s name and my blood ran cold.

Opening the door, I stepped back out, still in my winter coat and gloves. “Did you say ‘Abigail’?” I asked, staring down at the man who still hadn’t taken a step onto the porch. “How do you know my daughter’s name?”

“You mean OUR daughter, Tali,” and as I stared in horror at this man making such a completely ridiculous claim, he didn’t see Harvey’s fist coming until it made contact with the side of his face. Before he could retaliate, I yelled for the both of them to stop.

“I don’t know who you are, or why you’d make something so completely horrible up, but you need to leave. Now.” He stood his ground and I did something I hadn’t allowed myself to do for a long time. I prayed for Cas.

 He was beside me in a flash of light, eyes only on me, so he missed the two men staring one another down with clenched fists. “Tali?” Cas’ voice held concern and confusion. “What’s wrong?”

“You knew where she was?” It was the strange John that growled at my guardian angel. “You knew she was here, alive and well, raising MY fucking daughter?”

He didn’t take the first menacing step toward Castiel because Harvey blocked his path. “Think of that first punch as a warning,” he glared down at his doppelganger. “The next is gonna hurt a shit ton worse.”

Castiel was trying to keep my attention focused on him. “Tali, you need to calm down,” easier said than done, my stomach was in knots. “Think of-” his hand touched my coat where it covered the tiny one growing inside of me. “Please?”

I could feel his angelic power giving me a tiny shred of peace, but I was still worried that Harvey would be hurt. “Harvey? Come in the house with me, babe, please?” I wanted to lock this stranger and his anger out. I wanted to have my future husband holding me as we watched his truck drive away.

“Let me see our ‘guest’ out, sweetheart, and I’ll be right behind you.” Harvey promised, but John looked like it would take a LOT to ‘see’ him out. “Go, Tali, I’ll be right in.”

I watched him give Castiel a sidelong look, and the angel was helping me back over the threshold, shutting the door behind us. “We need to call Rowena, Tali, now.”

 I called the witch, Harvey was still outside when I heard her Scottish lilt added to the noise of their voices outside. Sighing, but knowing that Cas would probably restrain me to keep me calm if I tried to join them, I tried to make myself busy with making tea.

“Tali?” I didn’t turn toward the voice, afraid that it didn’t belong to Harvey. Then his arms wrapped around me and his lips were on my ear. “We’re at a stalemate, honey.” I sighed, wondering what the hell we were going to do, other than call the police and have this weird man removed. “Rowena has an idea.”

I turned in his arms and buried my face in his shirt covered chest, letting the beating of his heart and the scent of him calm me. “What’s the idea?”

 Rowena, it seemed, wanted to give me back a part of my life that I asked to be removed. At least temporarily. Just long enough for me and John to sit down and talk. Well, that’s what I agreed to, anyway. Anything to get him out of my hair and my life back to normal.

She touched my forehead, whispered words that I didn’t catch, and stared into my eyes to watch for the dawning of my memories to return. I felt every single piercing pain of loving John Winchester come rushing back in a flood. The first kiss, the last goodbye, every speck of any moment that we’d ever had all returned in living color. I felt like the air had been knocked out of me, and that I was dying all over again.

Tears streaming down my face, I watched as Harvey called for my first real love to walk back into my life. And I knew, it changed nothing. Not how I felt for Harvey, not how he felt for Mary, but definitely how Abi’s life may change from this moment on.

 Harvey refused to leave me, and for that I was more grateful than I could say. Holding my hand, he gestured for John to take a chair close, but not near enough to touch. Harvey’s thumbs brushed my tears away and he gave me a soft reassuring kiss, and when I turned back to John i noticed his fists were still clenched.

“How’s Mary?” I asked, thinking that reminding him of his wife and her return to the land of the living was worth the dig and would cool his irritation off. It didn’t have any effect on him, but I didn’t really care.

John didn’t look comfortable. He looked like a caged animal who wanted to pace and growl, but he managed to hold it in. Thinking about Harvey’s reaction on the porch, I thought it was a good idea myself.

“She’s fine.” He was glaring at Harvey’s hand curled protectively around my stomach, and he didn’t look all that happy about the way I was curved into his body. “Why did you purge-”

I gave a harsh chuckle that stopped him. “Why did I get rid of my memories of you and your family?” I wanted him to understand that to me, HIS family and MY family were completely opposite. “It made coming back more bearable. I wanted a fresh start, or fresher start.” I bit my lip. “And I have one, John, I have a new lease on life. A peaceful life.”

He sat back as if I’d punched him, as though my words hit harder than Harvey’s fist. “With him?” He gestured at Harvey with a just of his chin. I nodded as I felt Harvey’s grip tighten on me. John gave a soft snort. “He could BE me, Tali.”

I raised an eyebrow. “No, he couldn’t.” I knew that John was basing his belief on the way they looked, but that wasn’t the only thing I saw in Harvey. “Harvey loves me completely, John, not because I sacrificed anything for him. Not because he watched me grow up and saw my crush grow. Harvey loves me. He loves Abi. But the real difference between you and Harvey?” He was staring at me like he was seeing me for the very first time. “I’m Harvey’s Mary.”

I saw John’s Adam’s apple bob from the hard swallow he had to take. “That’s not fair, Tali.” I had trouble hearing him, he was so quiet. “I told you that-”

“That you loved me just as much as her?” I offered, fully capable of remembering every word he’d ever said to me now. “That you’d love me until I took my final breath? That I would be your ruin?” I nodded. “But you didn’t, John, not really. You didn’t want to see that I wasn’t even there those nine years you had me. That I wasn’t even THERE when you helped create Abi. You didn’t fight Castiel, did you? When I had him tell you not to come, not to visit, not to try to see her?” I shook my head and squeezed Harvey’s hand for strength. “You have Mary, John. You have Dean and Sam. You have the life you always wanted, the life that you saw when the djinn took you. Let me have Abi and Harvey. Let me have the life I want. I never asked you for anything, not really, but I am now. Leave us alone, let her have a father that has loved her since the first moment he laid eyes on her.”

His eyes were tight and I felt a tug of my own pain at hurting him. I just couldn’t let him back in. I couldn’t. “She’s my blood, Tali.” I huffed out a tiny breath of disbelief. “She is, and you-” he closed his eyes to gather his words. “You meant more to me than you think.”

“If I did?” His eyes met mine. “If you’re telling the truth and I meant so much, John, then let me and Abi go.” It hurt me more than I wanted to admit to, to push him away, but I had to. For my own sanity and his. “Let us have our new life, please?” I was begging, and I knew he could hear it in my voice.

“Can I see her?” Bargaining, John Winchester was trying to bargain. “Just once, Tali? Let me see my little girl and say goodbye?”

I agreed, but told him that it would have to wait until the next day. She was with her grandparents and I didn’t want John to have a punch to the other side of his face courtesy of my dad. Agreeing to meet the next day, in a neutral spot, John left even as I watched him struggle not to reach for me.