#i make it sound like no longer human is my favourite book but it really is not

[bogkeep]

HAIZ EXPLAINS AMATONORMATIVITY: REDUX

it's 2014. a teenager rummages through the newspaper at breakfast. they're looking for comic strips, but instead see the headline of the sports pages, proclaiming some famous sports guy is "NOT INTERESTED IN RELATIONSHIPS RIGHT NOW."

"really?" thinks the young haiz, "that's meant to be news? the sports news??"

it's not like they'd ever read the sports pages before, but the scandal in that headline would not leave their brain zeitgeist of the day. it was a metaphorical pebble thrown at them — not the first, but the one that made them go "HEY. STOP THAT???" so they took to the keyboard to yell into the void to hey, stop that.

then the void responded.

what i wrote that day was probably one of the first posts about amatonormativity to make rounds on tumblr. i did not expect it to get thousands of notes, and it's no longer on my blog. even though the majority of the response to it was positive, i wouldn't want to bring it back, because

- it was written in a very 2014 way

- with very 2014 thoughts

- some people were really cruel to me for writing it

- i still can't read it without wincing

but:

i can write a new one.

this is not an argument about who is or isn't oppressed. that is not an argument i'm interested in entertaining, and it's not what this post is about. human life on earth is incredibly diverse and complex and i'm just here to-

OH MY GOD WHAT IS AMATONORMATIVITY ALREADY

okay so amatonormativity is like. the idea that A Lasting, Monogamous & Exclusive Romantic Relationship is the most important type of relationship in the entire world and the thing we should all strive for in our lives. (insert obligatory "the term was coined by professor elizabeth brake in the book minimizing marriage" here.)

it's not exclusively an "omg it's so hard to be aro :(" thing, because it's like, an all-encompassing Narrative foisted upon us that shapes the way we view and talk about relationships, and it does everyone a disservice (as is the case with all Normativities! we want to break 'em ALL down!! for everyone!!!!!!). nor is it intended to make people feel bad for wanting long-lasting monogamous romantic relationships! that's your personal business and i wish you well!

(it IS kind of hard to be aro in a world that constantly argues that you're lacking The Most Important Experience That Makes You Human And Life Worth Living though. not gonna lie.)

- an easy example is how the word Love is, in a Lot of instances, for a Lot of people, basically synonymous with Red Hearts Kissy Kissy Smooch Smooch. like we ALL KNOW love is more than that, we love friends and family and strangers who were nice to us that one time and our pets and our favourite foods and our favourite shows. you kind of have to clarify when you mean Love in any other way than Romantic Love. which is wild, considering how Love is such a vast emotion that covers a lot of ground, and it keeps zeroing in on this specific kind.

- related to that, i have a whole internalised powerpoint presentation about how, if you put all of your relationships with other people in a pie chart, the Romantic Partner slice is likely to be very small compared to the Family slice and Friend slice and Acquaintance slice and all these other connections you have - yet it has, comparatively, a LOT of publicity and framework that some of the other categories find themself lacking. yes, a romantic partner/s is/are someone you're likely to share a lot of time and life with, so it makes some sense for sure - but not everyone has romantic partners, or the same priorities as far as commitment goes.

- the stigmatisation of being single/unpartnered. i get the impression that a lot of people have stayed in unsatisfactory relationships because it sounds better than the Dreadful, Terrible Alternative of Not Being In A Relationship. i think there has been a lot of pushback against this particular mindset in recent years, always flaring up around valentine's day for some reason - but it still feels like it's expected to be a Temporary State, not something you'd choose or prefer.

- romance as a Humanising Component in storytelling. say you've got some sort of non-human character, such as a Robot or a Beast. what is the easiest way for them to gain Personhood in the eyes of the audience? probably by falling in love, because falling in love is the Most Human Thing There Is. i think this also extends to queer stories in a similar way - a queer romance may win over a non-queer audience in a way other queer narratives may not, an "oh they're just like us" moment, if you will. these aren't bad stories to have, and queer romances are important stories to tell! it's just... tinged with a taste of "very well.... if it's TRUE LOVE... i can find it in me to extend some compassion......."

(and! on the flipside! an easy way to dehumanise an antagonist is to be like "AND THEY DIDN'T EVEN FEEL LOVE THEY JUST HAD NO HEART THEY WERE SO INHUMAN ")

(speaking of stories you know when a series ends and they partner up all the remaining single characters in a hurry or in the epilogue because god forbid they dON'T GET PARTNERS)

- you know how the reason for legalizing same-sex marriage wasn't because marriage is THE ULTIMATE EXPRESSION TRUE LOVE, but because it comes with a lot of legal rights such as tax benefits and hospital visitation rights? and uhhhhh isn't it kind of weird that marriage is the One thing that gives u a lot of those rights and it's 1) still presented as The Ultimate Expression Of True Love And The End Goal Of Life rather than a legal contract, and 2) not available to everyone? I THINK IT'S KIND OF WEIRD.

- polyamorous relationships are also stigmatised & there's a lot of work to do when it comes to marriage & parental rights for polyamorous couples. i'm sure one could write an entire list on this topic from a polyam/relationship anarchy angle.

- the stigma against sex In General is rooted in so many things, and i believe that a huge part of breaking down amatonormativity is to destigmatize casual sex, sexual relationships that aren't romantic, sex work + sex worker rights & everything in this category. thinking about sex as a thing you can/should only do with the love of your life after you're married hasn't served us very well, i think.

- the idea that our entire life is building up to The One Important Relationship is garbage. we have a lot of relationships in our lives, many of them temporary, and all of them matter to us in some way. you are not a half looking for another half to complete you - even the most compatible person on the earth is still going to be a human person who is flawed and ever changing.

- ok so there's a thing that happens when people want to prove a gay couple is Actually Dating and not Just Gal Pals and it's like "WOULD FRIENDS EVER DO THIS???" referring to some kind of intimate moment - and it's like, i get what you're trying to prove, but... some friends Would Do That, Actually. there is no act on earth wholly exclusive to romantic relationships. i subscribe to the idea that everyone gets to decide how they define their relationships, and what boundaries they have for each kind. maybe they WILL kiss their homies on the lips. with tongue.

- queerplatonic relationships: not only did we have to create a term for a Kind of committed relationship that isn't a romantic one, but we have to fight the deluge of "but that's just dating!!!!!" and "that's just having a best friend!!!!" - the thing is, it CAN be those things if you choose to, or it can be A Secret Third Thing. the way i see it, a queerplatonic relationship is just a Framework you can apply to a relationship that's like, There, but doesn't seem to fully fit into existing categories. because the human experience is vast and weird! i think it's unfair and kinda normative to reduce it to "dating, but for aros" - an Oddly Intimate Connection That Is Hard To Categorize can befall anyone, and as i presented in my pie chart theory, we don't have a lot of framework to discuss them.

that's all i've got for today. i hope this was enlightening or affirming for some <3

[lifeontoast]

hello! I'd like to request something with Jasper (Twilight) where him and the reader are just spending time together. Hanging out, picnic etc. Something where reader tells him "sometimes I'd love to be a tiny person, living in your pocket". I hope this makes sense 😭

Pocket (21/3/23)

Jasper Hale x reader

SUMMARY: Jasper and the reader are hanging out in the forest one day. You have a peaceful, restful time together. (By the way the reader is human, and Alice and Jasper are just siblings in this)

A/N: thanks to the anon who requested this! So sorry it’s taken ages, but hope you enjoy :)

…

The two of you just fancied getting away from life for a while. That was why you found yourselves strolling through the cool forest one sunny day. The sunbeams danced on Jasper’s face, sparkling and shining like the stars. He swung a picnic basket in his arms, refusing to let you carry it. Always the gentleman.

As you walked, you talked, about this and that. When your next date night would be. Movies you could watch. Books you could read. It seemed like you had walked for hours; the edge of the forest you had entered from got further and further away until you could hear the drone of traffic no longer, only birdsong and the sound of a gentle stream. You kept looking at each other, smiling every time you did so. All the time you were thinking ‘how did I get so lucky?’, and you were sure he was thinking the same thing. That was the beauty of yours and Jasper’s relationship: you two were absolutely perfect together, and you knew for absolute certainty that you would spend the rest of your days with him. Alice knew too. She had come to you one day, having just seen it, practically bursting at the news. You were the first person she had told, and you asked her to tell Jasper, but nobody else. You wanted to keep your piece of paradise to yourselves for the moment. You would tell them later, when the two of you had had time to talk about your options. Alice happily demanded to know when the wedding would be, and you laughed, telling her you weren’t sure yet. That day felt like years ago, and you genuinely wondered once again, as you had done many times, when that special day would be. It was going to be soon, you felt it. Jasper wouldn’t want to wait. As soon as you had graduated high school, you were going to do it. Even if it wasn’t the huge wedding Alice had planned, or the small and intimate one you’d planned, you were going to do it.

‘Y/N, darlin, where shall we sit down?’ He asked you, his quiet southern lilt pulling you out of your daydream.

‘Wherever you want, Jas. Here look as good a place as any.’ You replied quietly.

You sat down on a mossy rock by a babbling stream, before being pulled up by Jasper, only for him to lay his jacket down for you. You laughed a little; he was such a gentleman to you.

‘Gotta make sure this rock is suitable for my girl!’ He said. He could really turn on the Southern charm when he wanted to, huh?

You smiled as he gave you food from the picnic basket. As usual, Esme had not disappointed; it was stuffed full of all your favourite treats. Usually you felt awkward eating in front of Jasper, but the feeling of happiness washing over you from the quiet, peaceful forest was enough to completely block the awkwardness. He smiled at you, loving your humanity, as it was something he had been without for many years. He missed it sometimes, but almost felt he relived his human life through you.

You began to chat quietly about not very much at all, when you suddenly blurted out:

‘You know, Jas, sometimes I’d love to be a tiny person, just living inside your pocket.’

‘Oh yeah? Well, I’d love for you to live there darlin.’ He laughed.

You smiled at him and gazed into his eyes. He gazed back, and that was it, you were lost in each other. It was the best place to be lost in.

Later on, you began to hear the birds singing a chorus way up in the trees. Jasper shot up in that slightly unnerving way that vampires do. He offered you his hand instantly, and you took it, letting him pull you up. He pulled you close to him, and you swayed to the golden sounds surrounding you. You closed your eyes and let the feeling of euphoria wash over you, and were sure that he felt the same. You stood swaying long after the splendid chorus fell silent, until the day started to turn dark. He suddenly released you, with a ‘look, Y/N! The sunset!’ And he was right. Through the chinks in the forest canopy, you saw the most magical array of colours: reds, oranges, yellows, golds, pinks… every colour on the spectrum was there, and it was beautiful.

The colours gave you courage.

‘Jasper, let’s get married.’ You said suddenly.

‘What?’ He turned to you, obviously shocked.

‘Let’s get married.’ You repeated. He looked at you for a second, then smiled.

‘Yea darlin, let’s get married.’ He replied. He held you ever close as you watched the sunset together, and in your heart you knew that he was perfect for you.

…

A/N: thanks so much for reading! You guys rock!

[kaymagicshop7]

Set Me Free-

Chapter 1 - The Arrival🐅

Summary-

Jin runs a hybrid safe house, to help those adjust in normal life again, coming from difficult backgrounds and to learn to be amongst humans again.

Jin has a sister who helps him out when needed, but he is very protective over her, will he let be close to the hybrids?

What happens when 6 hybrid from completely different background ends up in his care, will there be heartbreak and fights?

Can everyone get along in the end?

BTS are their own people, anything that happens in this book is purely fictional and made from my imagination.

Warnings- Mention of violence, blood, fighting, pet names, protectiveness, mentions of aggression, mention of scents, mxm, mxf, anxiety, panic attacks, strong language

Jin POV-

It was the early hours of the morning when I woke up, I was restless all night, I just couldn't sleep.

I was probably restless as we were expecting a new pack of hybrids.

I house hybrids, a hybrid safe house. This house is a safe place where they can tried to be rehabilitated to go back into the world. They come here from a shelter that they stay in the city. The shelter in the city are not always ideal for hybrids coming out of fighting rings, slavery and amongst other problems, but some shelters are nasty towards hybrids, but I work with one of the nice ones.

Hybrids are free people now they have the same rights as humans, but there are some people, some humans in this would that just want to harm them, keep them as pets, abuse them or fight them.

But we've housed hybrid here before but for some reason I was just really nervous. I couldn't stay in bed any longer I had to get up and do something.

The house was quiet, my ears flicked to the sound of soft breaths of my sister coming from her room. My tail swished anxiously behind me.

I'm always worried when any hybrids step into to this house, as I never know how they will react in a new environment. I always worry about my sister as sometimes they don't take to kindly to her, this is her safe space as well and my number one priority, I need to keep her safe.

I only read there profiles briefly and from what I read it was shocking, illegal fighting rings and pets who were abused and one therapy pet, which wasn't too bad I guess. Therapy hybrids are always treated the best, with most being aloud freedom to roam.

I can't imagine or relate what they have all been through as I've been lucky enough to raised my sister.

I started to cook breakfast as I didn't realise I was lost in my thoughts, really lost in my thoughts. I must have a lot on my mind lately.

I notice it was nearly time for my sister to get up. I know she usually wakes about 8/8:30am, as I was at stove making pancakes, it's one of her favourites. Sometimes she will go through a phase where she's not hungry at breakfast time, but I usually make something light for her.

A while later my ears twitched to the sound of her door opening, I heard the creak of the stairs as she made her way down to wards where I am in the kitchen, she is never a morning person. Poppy does suffer form nightmares now and again but hasn't done for awhile. When she does have them I stay with her in either my human or animal form, but it seems she seems to settle when I'm in my Snow Leopard form.

I heard a yawn and then a creak of a seat being sat in "Morning baby." I said as I finished the breakfast "Morning" Poppy whispered yawn to me.

I made my way to her and placed a plate of pancakes in front of her and I kissed her head as I went back to make my own breakfast.

"Sleep well?" She hummed in response "How about you oppa?" She asked me sleepily "I did baby, I slept okay. You know we have 6 hybrid coming here today." She nodded her head, she is wary when new hybrids come, as some don't like humans and tend to lash out. So I keep my sister away from those hybrids at the beginning if I can.

"Do you know what time they are arriving?" I had to look on my phone quickly to see when they were coming "The centre didn't really say, but I'm guessing they should be coming round about lunchtime sweetie." She just nodded and continued eating her breakfast.

After Poppy had done she told me she was going to get ready. Once she was gone I quickly read through an email I got on the six coming here, it did say~

'Wary of humans.

leopard hybrid might attack but has yet to show any signs of aggression yet.

Wolf is the main leader of the pack, Mated pack.'

So they are a pack and mated. "Poppy come here for a moment." I shouted from the kitchen to her bedroom. "Coming Oppa." I heard as my ears twitched in the direction of her voice.

"Are you still in the kitchen oppa?"

"Yes sweetie." I replied back to her, As she appeared in the kitchen again I ask her "Could you put some scent dampener or blockers on please?" She didn't put on a fight on this "Can I put the scent dampener on? If not I can be the blockers on?" I thought about this, if one of them is hostile that scent blockers would be better, but it says wary of humans. "Ware the scent dampers for now and we will see how we go."

I hate it when she has to put either on, Poppy has a weak heart and gets ill quickly, so for me her scent is very important.

Poppy POV-

Midday came and went and the new hybrid arrivals still hadn't arrived. It was almost 6 o'clock in the evening when the door bell went off.

Jin went to go and answer the door and he was talking to one of the carers from the sanctuary, I got off from the couch and stood in the hallway to greet them. Jin has told me nothing and he hasn't even told what hybrid type they are.

I could hear Jin talking to the shelters carer and that's when I saw one of them, he had striped ears. But I saw something around two of the hybrids mouth.

It was a muzzle, muzzles are used when they are biting or trying to attack, but they are only supposed to be used in extreme cases. I never in my whole life have seen a hybrid with a muzzle on, they must be really uncomfortable for them.

Jin was wrapping up with the hybrid caretaker, all of sudden I saw red ears in my face "Hi there!" He said with a smile "Erm Hello." I said back then thats when I heard a growl from come from one them.

Jin came around by that point and wrapped his arms around my shoulder and tail around my waist. "Hello everyone, my name is Jin and I will be taking care of you whilst you stay here." The one with the black ears spoke "Who's the human?" He said the word 'Human' with venom "This Human is my sister, she's here to help you as well. But if you don't want here to help just call my name and I will come to assist you." Jin never says my name to them straight away unless they ask me, we've had some pretty violent hybrids here. But Jin's always about so I know he won't leave me alone.

After a brief and I mean a very brief introduction, Jin lead them to there room where they will be staying. Jin was up there for a bit, when he did reappear in the kitchen where I was sitting. I saw he had two of the muzzle in his hands, but he place them down with a loud thud on the counter, which made me jump slightly. "Are they okay oppa?" I ask my brother, I wanted to make sure they were fine. "There fine cub..." he sighed out, I was sensing he was going to say something else. "Would you get the fist aid kit and meet me in the big room on right." I was a bit hesitant to go "Baby don't worry I will be there with you." I guess he could see it on my face as he placed a kiss on the top of my head.

"Jin what are you trying to do?" I asked him out of curiosity "What do mean Pops?" I through they didn't like humans "I don't think they like me?" He looked at me but I could see the wheels Turing in his head.

"I'm just trying to get them used to you being around as a first, the one with red ears seemed to like you." Well I guess I can see where he was coming from "But oppa I don't think they will warm up to me that quickly." I sighed "I just don't want whatever plan you have in mind to bite you in the arm." Jin chuckle at my choice of words "Well if thats what happens, that's what happens. But I would let them harm you, I will protect you. If I don't try and let them interact with humans, they will just be classed at feral and you know what that means." Yeah I did it was meaning that they would be put down, I hated that.

No one should ever go through that, ever. It's just wrong.

Author Note-

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this story. I hope you enjoyed it!

I was a bit hesitant about posting as I wasn’t sure if people would like this story, please be kind and respectful. Any pointers are much appreciated!

Stay safe, stay well!

I purple you! 💜

[perpetuallylatetothefandomparty]

3, 6, 10, 12, and 25 from the writer asks please!

3 - how you feel about your current WIP

I'm going to be completely honest here and say that... I kind of hate it? I'm just at that stage where the flaws are obvious and the good parts are a bit obscured from view. Once I've got it all down then I can edit it and like it a bit more. At least, that's what'll hopefully happen.

6 - the word that appears most in your current draft

"Keith" is top, then "Keith's", but excluding names the top 3 are "druid", "eyes", and "guard". Make of that what you will hehe

10 - what is the longest amount of time you've let a draft rest before you finished it?

Not sure if this counts, but when I was younger and doing original stuff, there was a story I left for 2 or 3 years before coming back and giving it a shoddy ending lmao.

Fic-wise... hmm. *glances at Google Drive and looks away from all the abandoned works* Generally that doesn't happen. If a story gets left for much longer than a month I'll take it as read that I'm probably never going to finish it haha because I'll have moved on and lost the inspiration/motivation to write it. (That's the main reason I don't post until it's all written, because I know I can't necessarily be trusted to deliver) I also don't tend to have many wips that I care about going on at once, because I'm slightly obsessive about getting them finished :)

12 - a trope you're really into right now

Ooh, I've been reading some darkfics lately- absolutely consuming that whump. (Which has inevitably bled into my writing hehe) Hurt and angst (accompanying comfort and fluff optional) are still dear to my heart in terms of genre though!

In terms of specific tropes, I love found family- it's an enduring favourite and one of the things I love Voltron for. I also go for trauma, cold-blooded and sadistic torture, Stockholm syndrome, caretaking, self-sacrifice, self-harm, human experimentation, pleading for mercy (bonus points if no mercy is forthcoming!), and of course hugs in pretty much any context absolutely destroy me. I could list more, but oops, the question was only for only one trope and that's... like... thirteen.

I guess my favourite set-up (getting a little off topic here but anyway) would be someone asking to be hurt in someone they care about's place (I'm kind of imagining a Keith scenario here) but that request is rejected and the loved one gets hurt anyway. The helplessness there is delicious to read/write.

25 - besides writing, what are your other hobbies?

I have a few! Still kind of mastering keeping the idea that 'it's okay not to touch hobbies every day' in my head, because really between classes and trying to have a social life and writing and sleeping I really don't have enough free time to pursue every hobby all the time :')

Music was a huge obsession for me a while back, and for a while I thought I'd end up studying it, but no (going for chemistry instead). Still a big part of my life though, so playing piano is one of my go-to hobbies. (Messing around on bass is a little more chill, I do that too.) And I listen to music pretty much constantly, especially when writing or travelling haha

Reading, obviously, whether that's fics or physical books. I used to do it a ton but distressingly less so since my schedule's got tighter and writing (the current dominant hobby) has been using up more of what free time I have.

Those are the main ones! I also do little bits of sound engineering and cycling (although that's usually just for my commute) and I dabble in various arty/crafty things; there's probably more, but that's all I can think of at the moment.

Thanks for the ask! ♡

[a-wondering-thought]

so as a little overview for my wips we got

power doesn't guarantee glory:sad gay teens discovering everything they knew about history was a lie (this ones got the most lore)

built on bones and flowers:fantasy steampunk story following a group of queer adults making the world a better place and healing together

the inhuman fascination with the human mind:two humans and two non humans try to answer the question of what it means to be human, i could go on for hours about this one oh god

corrupted royalty wip:something ive been considering abandoning, corrupted royal family and a group of criminals trying to take them down

killer twins:something relatively new i might give up on, a pair of twins who kill people together

six of hearts:havent been working on this one for a while but horror story about a group of six teens and a probably haunted lake

wow all these wips and not a single cishet character

OMG OKAY THEY ALL SOUND AMAZING

power doesn't guarantee glory sounds so interesting and is it like a "we been lied to and now we want to know the truth" or more like "we found out the truth accidentally now what are we going to do about it?" or a third option? either way its an awesome story

built on bones and flowers sounds like its so cool because i think there really arent a lot of books with queer adults healing yk? and if there are then its usually not something most people heard of so that story is really amazing to see and very important because i do feel like most queer books are about younger people? which is still so so important but its great to see adults too because those are just as important

the inhuman fascination with the human mind oh my god yes! this one!! what does it mean to be human and how blurry can it get to what is and isnt considered human? also what are we going by whats human? society or what the higher up people say it is? AHHHH YOU ARE A GENIUS!!! ITS INCREDIBLE I WANNA KNOW EVERYTHING

corrupted royalty wip sounds good and like it could be a fun story but i get if you've lost motivation for it or are no longer as interested in the story why you'd want to abandon it however just wanna say the bad guys actually acting as the good guys and the opposite for the good actually bad guys is one of my favourite tropes because why? why are things the way they are? why are they criminals and why have they chosen to try and do good

killer twins i just let out a laugh at(in a good way) because yeah sure why not have a pair of twins who kill people lol its a great idea and omg think of how they could do it!! do they pretend to be the same murderer? or maybe they work together to kill their victims? or are they competing? idkkk the possibilitys!!

six of hearts is just yes please do they turn on each other? or do they get closer? how does the horror work? is it like paranormal? or is it set irl but the haunting is someone else like a killer or something?

Ooo yayyyy QUEER CHARACTERS SUPREMACY i love it

so yessss your wips sound amazing i love them

[annlillyjose]

dairy whiskey – update 05 – i finished the book!

[image description: on a background of large, green leaves, a white serif font reads “dairy whiskey – update 05” / end id]

feels so weird to say this, but this is the last update for dairy whiskey – the litfic novel for messed up people (aka me and my pals)

the stats, the facts:

i finished writing this book on 28/06/2023 around 4:00 am

the first draft rests at 76,684 words

this book has ten chapters and ten vignettes

i am deeply sorry to dinah for all the pain i’ve caused her

i miss this book so much already that i cannot sit a minute without thinking about it

i am officially a wreck. a proud one regardless.

i also have a few goodies for y’all!

the dairy whiskey playlist

redeemed by ransom – the dairy whiskey chapbook

unsplash collection

if you think i’m obsessed with my book, yes, i am. i very much am i most likely will be for a long time (if not the rest of my life).

fun fact: i finished writing it a day before my twentieth birthday, so it’s officially the book i wrote through my late teens. gonna be super emo and say, “i grew up with this book!”

so, again, welcome to the final update for dairy whiskey, covering the last three chapters and vignettes.

excerpts and taglist under the cut.

disclaimer: this is an original work of fiction. plagiarism of any kind will not be tolerated.

TWs:

chapter eight – mahalath leannoth

i’ve got two excerpts to share from this chapter. they’re super no-context, you know the drill.

The door to the room had been open, so I stumbled in, rosary in hand. Safety pins were scattered on the bed, some of them bent from pressure. The windowpane and the tiles next to it were covered in talcum powder. On the dressing table were two glasses of black coffee, its dry stain in rings on the bottom of it. It smelled of sweat and American body mist. One of the two pillow covers had been burned with an iron box, leaving an eye-shaped hole in the middle. Curly hair patterned the floor. Among those, like the promised silver lining in a dark cloud, I found it – a white strand of hair, thin, wavy, and membraned in cobwebs.

welcome back, grandma. bye again.

the next excerpt is another one of the thousand melodramatic emotional experiences that dinah goes through.

Nothing made noise. Every lone thing that had been alive and blooming in the village had died. Every land was barren, every river was flooding, every beautiful thing had turned to dust. Every face only a blur and every sound, a cry for help. Everything bleak and bleached, everything lost. Everything was gone and yet, the lives of everyone else remained the same; remained unchanged. Every family untouched but mine. All of them fortunate but mine. Everybody in their nests but me, a raven, flying about the village with a song in its head. It had come from nowhere, cutting through my silence, and it would stay forever as a muffled hum. A somber cry.

it actually runs a bit longer but yeah. that will be it for now.

vignette eight – lover’s vengeance

no excerpts from this chapter. enjoy the silence.

chapter nine – womb stain

teeny tiny excerpt from this one because i can never really shut up.

Mist covered the plantation and the road to the house. It rested in like a chiffon skirt.

vignette nine – vortex of wrath

we’re back with austin vignettes and pretty pretty prose for this pretty pretty boy.

Austin has been both abyss and mirrorball, but today, he is reborn in dirt. He is human more than he is boy. More than an accumulation of lessons and silences forced into place. Today, he is free, his wings unclipped, his fire unleashed. Today, he is lover. His ribs are knives sharpened against the metallic ring of revenge. His hands, mapped with fury, make love with sin. Today, he is man more than he is son. He is tide. He beats against the shore. Today, he takes in a sweep.

this goes on for another half an hour (more or less) because austin is everybody’s favourite and he deserves the world.

chapter ten – wine hearts

only one excerpt from this chapter too.

I woke up in the afternoon with pain piercing through my head. I sat up in bed, clutching chunks of hair in my fists. I buried my head in the pillow and groaned, but the pain remained. I got up and went to the bathroom. I turned the shower on and stood under it, the water, cold despite the sun, falling on my skin. My skin melted under it like a glacier, heat escaping every pore that had trapped it in. I lathered shampoo into my hair and soap onto my skin. I washed myself clean, brushed my teeth, and dried my hair with a towel. I wiped my body with another and changed into a fresh pair of clothes – an olive-green T-shirt and a creme long skirt.

also runs longer and talks about more things dinah does that are… ahem… unfortunately relevant to the (no) plot.

vignette ten – the beginning and the end

so, this is a vignette i might actually take out. i like how the story ends without it and kinda feel like this doesn’t fit that well, but we’ll see about that next month when i sit down for edits.

until then, that’s it! that’s my book! big thanks to everyone who supported me throughout the process of writing it. hope y’all get to hold this in your hand real soon!

– ann.

general taglist (ask to be added or removed)

@shaonsim @heartfullkings @vnsmiles @dallonwrites @sienna-writes @violetpeso @flip-phones @rowansghost @ambidextrousarcher @zoe-louvre @writing-with-l @magic-is-something-we-create @femmeniism @frozenstillicide @wizardfromthesea @rose-bookblood @coffeeandcalligraphy @rodentwrites @saltwaterbells @snehithiye @at-thezenith

[poedameronwifey]

A true home (The hobbit Fanfic)

Chapter 2

Renée's Pov

We walked out and saw the forest but something about it felt different. I don't know what it was but it almost felt like we were far from home. I shook my head and looked at my friends.

"Something feels different. I don't know what it is but It feels like we are far from home. Maybe the insomnia is finally catching up to me. Come on you two, I'm hungry and sleepy."

They nodded and we walked back to where our stuff was but we kept getting lost so it took longer than expected.

Everything felt weird and it was worrying because A) I didn't wanna die in a forest. I haven't even gotten laid and I don't wanna die a virgin and B) I can't let anything bad happen to Kate and Lilith. They are my best friends and my sisters. I noticed a weird looking hill so I walked towards it and what I saw will forever shock me.

There were hobbit houses and hobbits walking around. I felt like I was in a dream and it was my favourite book and movie trilogy. I looked at my friends to see if they were seeing the same thing and they were. Eyes widen with shock and their mouths hanging open. We all looked at each other then the hobbits then each other once more.

"Um we're all seeing the same thing, right? It's not just me finally going insane?"

I asked as I looked at them. They all nodded in shock.

"So we're in middle earth. But how? It's physically and scientifically impossible. This must be some prank. I refuse to believe that we are in middle fucking earth and one of our favourite books. Maybe we hit our heads and we're dreaming."

Kate tried to rationalise but we knew that we couldn't all be having the same dream so the only explanation we need to find Bilbo Baggins. If he's old, then lord of the rings and if he isn't then the hobbit. It's a good thing we read both books and watched all the movies so we have an understanding of what's gonna happen. Now let's get going -Err Lil you okay?"

I looked at Lilith and she looked like she was in a trance or something.

Maybe she was getting cool ideas for news layouts for our apartment or she just really liked the calming vibes.

Out of absolutely nowhere she comes out of the trance and screams,

"Hell yea!"

Yeah that sounds about right, I thought. After we had calmed down we began making our way down the hill staring in wonder at everything.

Third Pov

As they walked through Bag End, the hobbits looked at them with complete shock and some even started whispering but they just ignored it. A few looked at them with disgust because of their outfits but they couldn't care less. They asked around where they could find Bilbo but everyone just ignored them or tried to avoid the three new visitors.

Finally one of the female hobbits took pity on them and decided to help them find Bilbo. So she walked up to them to offer her help and the three human women were very grateful and followed her. As they walked to Bilbo's hobbit hole they made small conversation and quickly became friends.

Finally they reached a wooden fence leading to a round door. On the fence was a small wooden mailbox and written on the box was the words Bag Ends. They thanked her when they got to the gate. Kate felt some connection to this place, for some reason it felt like home, and she didn't know why. So she just shrugged it off thinking it was probably nothing. They walked up the stairs and gently knocked on the door.

They then heard the pitter-patter of footsteps inside, getting louder as they approached the door. When the door finally opened it revealed Bilbo Baggins in his youth. Showing the girls that they have arrived during The Hobbit.

"Hello. Can I help you, my dears?" He asked as he looked at us but as his eyes landed on Kat he seemed to freeze.

They held eye contact for what felt like forever but eventually they snapped out of it.

"Good day Mr Baggins. My name is Renée, this is Lilith and that is Katherine. We were hoping we could come in and talk to you. If that's alright with you of course." Renee said, looking at Bilbo with a hopeful look.

He nodded and moved out of their way and let them in, closing the door once Kate had walked in. He felt a parental bond with Kate and he wanted to know why. He led them into the living room and offered them something to drink but they shook their heads. They put their bags down and sat on the couch.

Lilith's Pov

"Um, you wanted to talk with me. What can I help you girls with?"

He asked as he looked at us but mainly at Kate.

"Ok you're gonna think we're crazy but please bare with us" Renée said with a hopeful but serious look and Bilbo nodded, understanding that whatever is going to be said is going to be sincere and honest.

"Mr Baggins, I'll be straight with you. We aren't from here. We are from another world and we have no clue how we got here. We know where we are but we have no way back home and we were hoping you'd let us stay here. We completely understand if you say no." I explained.

Bilbo took a couple of seconds to take in this strange information. "But how would you know of me if you aren't from here?" He curiously asked.

We looked at each other, deciding if we should tell him or not before reaching a decision.

Kate looked at him, not knowing how this would turn out but knew she had to try to help him understand the situation.

"Well, you see, we knew because you're in a book as well as a movie and so is all of this. All of middle earth is a fictional book and we read it as children so we knew about you. You probably think we're crazy but it's true. Please believe us, Mr Baggins."

Bilbo looked at us with a blank look as he tried to understand what they were saying. He didn't know what to believe but as he looked at them, he could tell that they were telling the truth. Their eyes told him that they weren't lying and he felt like he could trust them.

Then he looked at Katherine and felt like he had known her from somewhere. She looked so much like his wife whom he lost years ago along with his daughter. He felt a connection to her but he didn't know what it was. He knew he couldn't let these girls leave and knew what his decision was.

He looked at them for a second before giving them a warm, soft smile.

"Don't worry, I believe you girls. I don't think you're crazy. You are welcome to stay here. I don't know why but I know you are telling me the truth. And I would feel terrible if I turned you away, you wouldn't have anywhere to live. I do however have some rules. One, you must help around the house. Two, You will have tidy up after yourselves. Three, you'll need to find a job because I'm not sure I have enough money to support all three of you but I'll try my very best. Four, I trust you to inform me if you need anything. I want to help you girls but you must be honest with me."

Third Pov

They sighed with relief and nodded. They informed them about anything they though was important for Bilbo to know and let him know that they don't mind cooking as a way to say thank you. He smiled and showed them to their rooms.

He decided to let them get settled and left them before informing them that he was going shopping. They smiled and waved as he left.

They each had their own room and unpacked their bags. For the next 30 minutes, they put their stuff away and changed into new clothes. Once they were done, they heard the front door open and knew Bilbo was back. They helped him pack away the groceries and he informed them that there were a few jobs that he managed to hear about.

There was an opening for waitresses at the tavern downtown and a babysitting job from one of his neighbours. They decided that Renée and Kate would try to get a job at the tavern and Lilith would be the babysitter because she has experience and because she loves kids.

Bilbo made dinner and he informed them of the different times they eat everyday. Lets just say Renée was beyond happy because she loves food. They laughed at her as she danced around the kitchen doing her happy dance.

After dinner the girls decided that thy would do the washing up with Kat washed up, Lily dried off and Renée packed away with the help of Bilbo's instructions and directions.

Bilbo was happy to finally have some help and he felt less lonely now that the girls were here. It's like he had a family again and he couldn't be happier. They all went to the living room after Bilbo made them some tea. He got to know them and observed that they were very energetic when they were together and how they complimented each other. He grew to like them and started to feel protective of these three girls, mainly Kathrine or Kate. So he was all too glad he let them stay.

He quickly realised that Renée was the kind and caring friend who loved her friends and made sure they were okay. Lilith was the sassy, quick witted and smart one who always has a response and wants to be right all the time. Kate was the mom of the group and was a complete crazy person once you get past the introductions. It reminded him of his wife and smiled softly.

They all laughed as Bilbo told them stories of his childhood. They felt like they finally found a family, like they were home. Renée became sleepy so they all decided it was a good time to head off to bed. The girls went to their own rooms and went to bed. It was a very interesting, long and heartfelt day. And they couldn't be happier as they slowly drifted off to sleep.

Renée's outfit

Kate's outfit

Lily's outfit

[microsuedemouse]

tagged by @womanaction!!! I love a tag!!!

1. three ships: oh my god. just three? okay well… in the last few days or so. I have thought about. Jyn Erso/Cassian Andor from Rogue One bc god do I love their Doomed Chemistry. Aki Hayakawa/Himeno from Chainsaw Man bc I was catching up on the anime last night and their history and connection is definitely not healthy but golly does it compel me. and uhhh. oh. Annie Edison/Abed Nadir bc I was feeling STUPID squishy a few days ago and wanted to revisit one of my favourite soft ships.

2. first ship ever: oh christ. I’ve been getting too invested in fictional couples since long before I ever knew about fandom. since before I can even remember. uh. if I reach back as far as I can in my brain, I think the earliest ship I can recall caring about is… hm. well. I remember being a small child and thinking that Ord and Cassie from Dragon Tales should fall in love? so.

that said I also grew up on Disney movies and got invested in the romances in those too. so who’s to say. what I know for sure is that I’ve been unbearably romantic literally from toddlerhood; my parents can confirm.

3. currently listening: been back on my non-stop Motion City Soundtrack bullshit for a few days. tho I’m also really enjoying the latest single from Blanks! it’s called Breathe In Breathe Out and it’s very. relevant. at the moment.

4. last movie: a couple nights ago I went to a local film festival screening bc my friend had an entry in the shorts section (she won best short film btw!!!) and the feature film they played that night was a local indie horror called SHIFTED, released last year. it fucked. I bought a copy of the movie and a poster, and two of the actors signed it for me! one of the other actors followed me on ig tonight also lol? (after I put a pic of the poster in my story and tagged the studio.) anyway I hope they score some kind of wide release bc I think more people should get to enjoy it

5. currently reading: HORRORSTÖR by Grady Hendrix. it’s been on my wishlist for years, and Hendrix just put out another new book I rly wanna read, so to prevent myself from spending the money on an expensive newly-released book, I bought a less-expensive several-years-old book. I make very good budget decisions. (I’m really enjoying it so far.)

6. currently watching: aheh. well. on my own I’m still working my way through Hawaii Five-0 (2010). with Mo I’m, uh, rewatching Angel, as well as following Chainsaw Man, To Your Eternity, SPY x FAMILY, and BNHA. our Ben 10 and Darker than Black watches have been on the backburner for a good while now but are technically still ongoing. we’re also following MP100 with Corwin. I… think that’s everything?

7. currently consuming: nothing right this moment but I think I’m gonna go downstairs and get my baguette out of the fridge. I want Bread

8. currently craving: human connection???? lmfao it sounds like I’m goofing but ngl I really need to spend more time with people. I love my family so much but I cannot carry on much longer with them being the Only People I spend leisure time with. oof. how are new friends made

okay I’m supposed to tag nine people I ~want to get to know better~ but I really don’t have that many folks TO tag. so uh. @izupie @silluuuu @karis-the-fangirl you can each pretend to be three people right? 8)

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

575 of 2023

1 - Aside from the necessities (eating, breathing etc.) what is something you do every single day, without fail?

Taking my meds. Eating, I fail at it horribly lol.

2 - Do you use cash or card the most? Do you find yourself using card or contactless methods more since COVID hit?

I've been using bank cards since long time and covid has nothing to do with it.

3 - Is there anything you enjoy that’s considered childish for your age? What is it?

Yep, young adult books, children's books, and probably some more things.

4 - Who’s your favourite voice actor? What’s the best thing they’ve been in?

No, thanks.

5 - How many times a day do you use the bathroom?

Do you really think I count?

6 - Do you need caffeine to wake up in the morning? What’s your drink of choice?

No, caffeine is my trigger and lowers my seizure threshold. I can't drink caffeine at all anympre.

7 - Are you more of an introvert or an extrovert? If you’re an introvert, do you feel like you live in a world built for extroverts?

I'm an ambivert and I don't feel like I belong to this world at all, or maybe fit is a better word.

8 - What do you do with old clothes you no longer want or need?

I sell them.

9 - How old were you when you got your first pet (not a family pet, but one that you were solely responsible for)?

21. I got my beloved Victoria then. She lived a happy 12 years with me, until cancer took her away last week.

10 - What is something popular or fashionable that you consider to be a real waste of money?

Bottled water. Designer clothes because you pay most for the brand. Starbucks (but yep I'm guilty of it). Cigarettes. Express shipping, unless you need something really quick.

11 - Do you donate to charity?

Not often. I only did it to support Ukraine.

12 - Do you live somewhere with lots of livestock or wild animals?

Nope. My part of the country is rather urbanised.

13 - Would you rather live somewhere rural or urban?

In between. I love nature and I love the city.

14 - Is there anything (a hobby, for example) that’s guaranteed to always make you feel better when you’ve had a bad day?

Yup, scanning the radio for signal searching. And long walks on the beach.

15 - If you’re struggling with your mental health, who are you most likely to open up to, or would you bottle it up instead.

I would rather bottle it up. I find talking about feelings difficult.

16 - Do you get your five portions of fruits and veggies everyday?

I eat vegetables anyway. I'm as close to vegetarian as can be.

17 - What room of your house do you spend the most time in? Is this through choice or necessity?

The living room, rather necessity.

18 - If you have pets, do you snuggle with them when you’re having a bad time? Does it make you feel better?

Yeah, Susie comes for snuggles, but on her own terms. Victoria was a much more snuggly cat. She always could sense my bad mood and come to try to cheer me up.

19 - Would you ever sign up to be in the military? What if there was enforced conscription, would you go or would you object?

I wanted to join the military as the radio operator, but my neurological disorder disqualifies me. Even if it was still mandatory, they wouldn't take me.

20 - Would you ever want to go to any kind of fitness bootcamp, or does that sound like utter hell to you?

Nah. Even with my eating disorder lol.

21 - What’s the worst job you’ve ever had? What was it that made it so bad?

Cleaning toilets in a public library. My then boss treated me as if I was less worthy. I just needed money since I was studying at the university then. Shortly after graduating, I left that job and found the job of my life.

22 - If you could design your own garden, what would you have in it? Do you think that dream is ever going to be achievable for you?

Tulips, lots of tulips. Maybe some roses. Definitely fresh vegetables and fruits.

23 - Do you believe there’s life on other planets? If so, do you think it’s anything like humanity?

Yup, the universe is just too big. What do they look like? I have no idea.

24 - Does it take you a long time to fall asleep at night? What do you if you’re really struggling to get to sleep?

I keep snoozing. It doesn't take me as long time to fall asleep as it used to, though.

25 - if you drive, how many times a week do you have to fill up your car with fuel? If you don’t drive, how much do you spend a week on travel/transport?

I don't drive because I don't have a licence due to my disorders (both neurological and being on the verge of legally blind), but I spend more time on travel and transport than at home. Seriously. And this is my choice.

26 - What did you get the last time you went out for fast food?

Very long ago. Just today we ordered takeaway, it was a very good spaghetti.

27 - Do you tend to snack when you’re watching TV or sitting at the computer? What’s your favourite thing to snack on?

Not as much, but I like salty sticks sometimes.

28 - When was the last time you went to a zoo or wildlife park type place?

When I was 2 years old, seriously.

29 - Do you think it’s cruel when people keep exotic animals as pets? Or do you think it’s okay as long as they have the space, time and money to dedicate to them?

Well, if they take good care of their pets, then it's not my business. I wouldn't want an exotic pet for myself; I'm perfectly fine with kitties.

30 - If you eat meat, is there a particular animal you’d never eat? If you don’t eat meat, what’s the reason for it?

I don' t eat most of meat, except for chicken and some fish. For me, it's a matter of taste and structure. Most meat gives me sensory overloads.

[zealoussy]

2023 Midyear Freakout Book Tag

It is time to look back to all of the books I've read for the past 6 months (!!!). I just want to do this for myself but anyone who wants to join, consider yourself tagged!

Best book you've read so far in 2023. This is a difficult one because I have never been not indecisive all my life. But. I think I will settle with No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai. I love how Dazai slowly working through Oba Yozo's mental deterioration. Obviously he's not likeable, but you'll be able to empathize with him from following the turbulence that is his mind. This book is the best way to show people the "ugly" side of mental illness. People need to realize that mental illness isn't only about the most instragammable things you can do, but it is also being the worst version of yourself. Other than that, how the narrative makes its way to connect to the title is cleverly done. It feels so seamless.

Best sequel you've read so far in 2023. I'm not a series reader, tbh. So I will go with The Sandman Vol. 5: A Game of You by Neil Gaiman. Although not my favorite of the series, I did enjoy reading that. In this volume, we meet Barbie! Turns out she's a princess some lifetime ago?? It's really interesting and surprisingly poignant.

Favourite re-read. Easy question, it's White Nights by Fyodor Dostoevsky. How is it still heartbreaking, even though I know what comes next in the story? That's Dostoevsky's specialty, I think. Making stories that's so painful no matter how much you reread it, it still gives you pain.

Genre you've been loving/reading the most. I've been having a lot of fun reading graphic novels this year so far! Reading graphic novels is the most magical form of experiencing work of literature. For fantasy especially, it feels like I forget I ever existed on Earth when reading them. Most of them are fast-paced and medium-paced so I'd recommend anyone to pick any title up if you want to read when waiting something, or not in the mood to digest books slowly.

New release you haven't read yet, but want to. Monstrilio by Gerardo Sámano Córdova. It just came out last month so I still have a lot of time to read it. The summary sounds intriguing and I've seen a few of my book-ish friends wanting to read it too. Hopefully I can read that before the year ends!

Most anticipated release for the second half of the year. I don't have one, honestly. I'm not the type of person that follows news release that much, so yeah that's my answer.

Biggest disappointment. The Stranger - Albert Camus. I was so excited for this book. I have been saving that title since last year. Thank god I didn't buy the physical copy. Like, I get the book. But its' SO boring. I don't enjoy it.

Biggest surprise. Everyone in this Room Will Someday Be Dead by Emily Austin. Oh, this is an interesting one. Because I started this book last year impulsively, but then it was kinda rotting in my piles of CRs. But one day I decided, you know what, let's finished this book. And I was surprised that I like it. I even teared up a little at the end. I never thought it will be a profound book that shines light to what religious trauma can do to a person. The story is told in ironic and darkly humorous way, which is very funny if you're mentally ill. Yet it's also crushing, how the main character describe her despair. Such a marvelous read.

Favorite new author (debut/new to you). Oliver Jeffers. He's an author, illustrator for picture book fiction. Last year I read The Heart and The Bottle, which absolutely broke me to pieces, and this week I read What We'll Build and it makes me want to cry a river. So I'll definitely check out his other books.

Newest Favorite Character. Oh, God. I have two answer to this but I think I'll pick Jean-Baptiste Grenouille from Das Parfum for this one. Reason? Because he's a sopping wet little meow meow.

Book that made you cry. Uhh I don't know how it happened, but it's The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger got me sobbing???? The last part of the book, yeah. Just. I don't know. I'm just so fond of Holden Caulfield, I want to give him a hug, the best hug, making him soup if he's sick, staying all night if he want to talk, like I want to protect him at all cost.

Books that made you happy. My Beijing: Four Stories of Everyday Wonders by Nie Jun. It's free time travel to my childhood and free therapy. I need that child-like wonders and excitement dose if I want to survive this year.

Most beautiful book you've bought so far this year. Most of my reads are digital, but I'll mention Mamo by Sas Milledge as one of the most beautiful book I've read this year so far. The art style is so breathtaking. It added the whimsical story line even more alive.

What books do you need to read by the end of the year? So much books, so little time. I'll be happy with myself if I can manage to read any of Toni Morrison's books. I've been wanting to read her books but I'm just kinda intimidated lol.

[consistentresearchpractice]

The Belle of Finchley Road

I imagined what the snow might be like on Finchley Road.

I said that if I saw her in these streets it's on sight- because I knew so intimately the states of state mandated denaturing, unravelling of chemical processes and fluctuating softness of bones. I remembered the denial of the bone scan chamber, and thought about the mental image of a hardening of exterior appearance paired with the conjected jellification of bones. She's a regretful creature hoarding and marking out 'justices', bowing to mandated reformulation.

Look. All she was seeing was a sort of Cronenbergian body horror! But listen and repeat: I am allowed to do avant garde things to my body! It's actually delicious, the fizzy decapeptyl paint stripper! Unless you know the feeling of bubbling liquid being inoculated deeply into your muscle via needle, you oughtn't inoculate yourself into the convo. However, she knows it, and she misses it! It's no longer pointing inwards, but she still enters those doors it's opened. She knows, as I do, the delectablilty of expansive mutilation.

Mutilation is reconstruction, constructive growth, avant garde concept making. It's adequate, it tells the truth of our cells and receptors- closer in kind to the 3 visible sides that communicate the 3 dimensional truth of the box.

So there. Delight in the cutting. You'll think more under the knife than you ever did during your formative years. The more that is cut away and grown over, the more truth is scratched off and revealed.

Even on a microtonal level. The waves that split your eardrums apart whispering and screaming promises of total somatic transformation will keep their word. And there's no escape from that sound wall cannon. No refuge to be found, not even in Edinburgh, atop mumsnet towers or on Elsworthy Road. For,

Ageing is sex change. Dancing is sex change. Crying is sex change. Dying is sex change. All life is unavoidable immanent sex change.

All of you here are real dysphorics, limbering around and crying into your soup. That book you love has transed you beyond repair - your favourite album is waiting in the wings to do the same. All of your experiences de and re transition.

Your nakedness is nakedly fallible- what's denied or obscured is truer than the visible surface that makes itself in its own unmaking. No wonder then, that the visceral power of Yuck! Protects you from your transsexual self, and in turn intensifies your transness. Don't think about transsexuality! Now it's the tape that forces your eyelids open, the piss that's running into the inside of them. Transsexuality: the central tenet of intercourse, interpolation, morphogenesis. Never to stop, longlasting, penetrating down into the earth or the air post-cremation.

When you turn your head in that awkward way, or move your body with the right quickness, that imposed scab (Yuck!) might shift and start to bleed. You've opened the 3 faced box, you've rotated it, seen its underside- that's the end of the line. Awareness of cisness is the end of cisness.

Awareness of another type of relation is the end of arboreal sex reality. It really is over, (you'll never post normal again). The symposium story of the linked male-female-soulmates springs forth from the blood. It's the end of normal love. You'll come to know that the real soulmate was formed somewhere beyond the creation of male and female; is trapped, dysphoric- rolling down the slopes on the barren Gods' battlefield.

Too strong to be a unified duality. Too weak to be a singular, wandering soulseeker. Human enough to be transsexual.

[travellingarmy]

hey! I’m a new follower but I really like your writing!

I couldn’t find your rules so I’m so sorry if this goes against them or if this makes you uncomfortable! :(

but if requests are still open…Can I request Lilia and or Malleus waking up from a terrifying nightmare of his human S/o dying in some way?

again if this is against your rules i’m sorry!

-Casey🐉

Lilia Vanrouge x reader / Malleus Draconia x reader (separate)

Reader: Gender-neutral/not mentioned.

Warning(s): Can’t think of any.

Word count: 1k

All rights reserved. Do not steal/copy and paste and upload it anywhere.

—

Note: Hello! Thank you for following me! It’s an honour to have you, truly! ^^ Your request doesn’t go against my rules at all and is, in fact, a wonderful request.. I seem to need to fix the issue of requesters not finding the rules.. In the meantime, here is your request!

I’ve decided to do both since they are both my most favourite. 

—

Lilia Vanrouge

Lilia has seen it all and saw nightmares through. He had seen countless of war start. He had seen numerous bloodshed, heard cries from both the innocent and the guilty– from women to children, the young to the elderly. And he can’t deny that he was a reaper of souls who took many of those lives. Even to this day, after centuries have passed, he is reminded of each victim through an echo of agonizing scream that rings in his ears. History books could never truly depict the terror in each and every living being on that battlefield and thus, he had to suffer the reminder in silence.

Pitiful as it sounded, he felt no remorse for those lives he had taken. Though he may have been reduced to merely a guardian and a father, a retainer and student, he was, in the end, the strongest weapon in his kingdom’s military. He was strong not just in power, but also will. His will to follow the ruler’s orders and see it through was much more than taking care of himself. He was like a shadow by the throne’s side, awaiting orders at any time with his piercing red eyes.

If you were too careless, you would have your head served on a platter before you knew it.

However.. This nightmare was one that even the strong fae couldn’t face.

It started off as just any other nightmare of his with him as the centre of his own show. There he was, bloodied sword in hand after gashing his enemies with it, still able to fight and had little scratches and cuts into his flesh.

He was alone when he walked through the burning village of innocent civilians and screams and cries rose into the air which he drowned out. Honestly, what was the point in all of this war? He grew tired of it as this war– which had been drawn out far longer than the others– and just wishes to take a rest in a clear, green field where mild wind blows.

Then, just barely straining his ears, he hears the footsteps of another that was covered by the screams. He is sure that it is neither one of his soldiers or the enemy’s for this footstep was light, seeming not to wear any heavy armour.

This footstep was drawing close and this unfortunate soul would soon regret turning the corner. He was there, sword already in hand with lifeless eyes staring at the cloaked figure when they turned.

Upon seeing him, the figure drew to a defensive mode, a wand of their own pointing at him and chanting out a spell. A mage from the enemy’s side? Why would one be out in the burning village? Just seeing the fire outside would already make one concur that anyone inside was already good as dead.

Nevertheless, he raises a sword and in a blink of an eye, he is in front of this cloaked figure, and in one swift motion, pierce his sword in another human, its magic spell fading away as quickly as it came.

The scene around him changed and to his surprise, it was a field of endless green with the wind blowing just right. His dreams would usually be just the void and his nightmares would be mainly his past so what was this? He looked around, completely in a daze.

The cloak figure– who was still with him and now on the ground– coughed blood. “L, Lilia..” Completely forgetting that they were there, his attention snapped back to them when they called him by name, caught off guard when they did.

But that voice.. It sounded awfully like– “L, Lilia.. It hurts.” The hood on this mysterious person slowly fell back when their head lay down and revealed piercing bright orbs looking at him through tears.

His heart sank when he realize who it was that he had so mercilessly stabbed. “[Name]..?” He dropped to the ground beside you and held your head up, heart beating frantically in his chest. “Lilia.. Why did you–” More blood was coughed out which just further scared the fae.

“Stop talking. I, I’ll heal you so just–” He raised a hand but stopped when his eyes met his reflection through the blood of his sword. If he were to remove it, you were sure to die but if he didn’t, you would also die. “Lilia, it’s okay,” you weakly said, voice barely audible. Your hand shakily reached for his free one and held it.

“[Name].. I, I didn’t–” Didn’t what? Didn’t mean to? Was he starting to become selfish now? After all the lives he has taken, he’s now feeling remorseful? Guilty?

“It’s okay.. I under–” Your hand that tried to reassure him covered your mouth, staining it in the process. You look at him tearfully with a smile. “I, I love you, Lilia.”

His eyes widened even more and held you closer to his chest. “[Name]! [Name]!! Wake up!” He shouts to your lifeless body, tears blurring his sight of your lifeless eyes.

And just like that, the fae shot up on his bed, tears trickling down his face and panting heavily. Recalling his dream, his cries broke into hiccups but remembered that it was just a dream. You weren’t there during his time in the military. You don’t even have an ounce of magic on you either!

But..

He couldn’t help but want to reassure himself that you were okay and.. You know, alive and breathing peacefully in your sleep. So he did just that– teleporting straight to Ramshackle and your room.

His eyes cut through the dark and was relieved to see you in your bed, asleep. He lets out a sigh of relief that he didn’t know that he was holding in. He walked over to your bed and sat down at the edge of it, hand pushing away strands of hair that covered your porcelain-like face.

A small, yet genuine smile formed his lips, eyes staring at you meaningfully. He wipes his face of any leftover tears and tucks your hair behind your ears. He moved his face closer to you and, with a loving smile, said, “My gift to you shall be happy dreams,” and placed a single kiss on your temple before disappearing from your room, not getting the chance to see the smile that adorned your face in your slumber state.

Malleus Draconia

Click on this link!

~♡~

[violettelueur]

RYŌMEN SUKUNA || LITTLE CAGED ARTIST

| featuring : ryomen sukuna ft. itadori yuji 

| warnings : mention of emotional abuse and murder as well as grammar errors

| form : imagine

| word count : 1691

| published : 22 december

| request : Hello, idk if your request are open but feel free to ignore, but just, imagine another reencarnation au (those imaginw of yours are my favourite) where the reader was a painter and Sukuna's personal favourite so he took her and kinda abused her psycologicaly to the point where she would just draw him and only him and he loved that, and in the future she's still an artist that draws Yuuji bc theyre friends but when she sees the tatoos she again draws Sukuna and he feels guilty for the way he treated her and her art in the pastIf It's angst i would apreciate but it's not really necesary

| barista’s notes : hi there~ i apologies for the extremely long wait for your coffee order but now it is there ╲ʕ·ᴥ·　╲ʔ right now it is nearly 5am in the morning and i have no idea why the hell i am awake, but oh well ʕ ᵒ ᴥ ᵒʔ  DONT WORRY THOUGH! after this, i am going to sleep and rest up since today it is Fushiguro Megumi’s and Kageyama Tobio’s birthday today ʕ≧ᴥ≦ʔ but other than that, i hope you enjoy your order of a cup of classic black coffee (jujutsu kaisen request!) and i hope you come back soon! ʕ •ᴥ•ʔゝ☆

“Sukuna….please leave me alone...leave the village alone, I beg of you please,” you whimpered to the man that was standing tall and proud with a sadistic smirk painted on his face, while you were on your knees tightly holding onto his large wrist - somewhat slightly covering the black ring marking - as if your weak physical strength could do anything to stop his raising them up and giving a rain upon hell to the people that was residing in the small town you lived in.

You have no idea how you had managed to catch the attention of the most feared curse to both humans and jujutsu sorcerers nor did you know how you managed to become acquainted with the man in front of you. All you knew right now was that the situation you were in at this current moment and time, was not ideal to anyone at all.

You were just a simple artist. A simple village girl artist that was blessed to be hired by the nobility and aristocracy to paint their family portraits with the finest colours that they would offer you, for you to be then paid so you could provide for your village. However, as luxurious as it sounded, you were in love with the idea of just placing a sharped piece of charcoal on a piece of paper or cloth you could find anywhere and sketch your heart designed.

“Leave you alone?” Sukuna questioned you in his deep voice, before slowly crouching down to become face to face with you. “I could never leave you alone, not when you have caught my attention with your craft little one,” Sukuna then stated, as he gently placed a hand on your cheek before using his thumb to caress the soft skin he was touching. 

Ever since Sukuna had caught sight of you delicately painting a portrait of a noblewoman with such care and gentleness, he couldn’t help but wonder how your hands were so carefully and how patient you were to make sure every stroke was perfect to your desire. Slowly, he began to wonder what it was like to be the subject of one's view. A subject that someone desired to recreate on a simple piece of paper. However, compared to his past sightings, you were the most talented as well as the most beautiful he had ever seen and once he was able to gain a clear view of the noble woman that you were illustration, he was surprised at how much detail you were able to encapture in your work and just like the noble woman’s reaction, they both were extremely happy with the result of the final product.

“How about this?” Sukuna suddenly asked, causing your head to suddenly shot up leading you to meet eye to eye with the King of Curses, “if you come with me and draw me and me only for the rest of time, I would leave this little village alone as well as the people residing in it. How does that sound, little one?”

‘Come with him? Where? Why? What’s going to happen to me?’

“If you don’t accept this deal, every single person here will die. Burned, stabbed, slashed, any way possible I can. Men, women and even little children’s lives will be gone, and it would be all your fault.”

‘My….fault? But-’

“You know I’m not a patient person little one, I might as well start my massacre while you take your time to think, it will be-”

“NO PLEASE! DON’T, YOU CAN TAKE ME, JUST LEAVE THE VILLAGE ALONE, PLEASE!” you screamed in desperation, as you tighten the grip of his wrist that was within your grasp to keep him down, as you didn’t want to risk him getting away from your sights for the safety and protection of the people  within the little town you had lived in since the day your life had started.

With a large cruel grin, Sukuna had somehow managed to pry his wrists free from your tense grip before sliding an arm under your knees as well as an arm around your body lifting you up in a bridal position, while you were just expressing a face of shock and fear, confused and fearful on what you had just accepted in exchange for your life. Where were you going? Was this the end? Were you going to die? How much longer have you had left?

“Don’t worry, I won’t kill you, you’re too precious to be slaughtered little one,” Sukuna answered - as if he knew what you were thinking - before placing a ghostly kiss upon your temple leading you to freeze still, petrified on what he would do with you had moved a single inch.

This was your life now. 

A caged artist.

                                               ꕥ

Here you were, sitting on a wooden platform outside with a sharpened piece of charcoal that Sukuna had kindly given you, in order for you to sketch a portrait of him. The second you placed the charcoal upon the paper, Sukuna couldn’t help but stare at the light movements of your hand as you lightly stroke a few lines to create an outline before watching your hand suddenly pause, causing the King of Curses to switch his view from the sheet to you, only to find your look at him with such a frightened look.

“I’m sorry…..I shouldn’t look at you, should I? I apologise deeply,” you softly muttered before quickly turning back to the portrait that was right in front of you - you didn’t want to do anything wrong in his eyes, you knew he could go back on his words and harm the people that you cared about. However, it seemed like Sukuna didn’t care at all, he had managed to trap you into his life and had the power to demand you to draw him every time he would mention he could go back to your little village and burn it to the ground. He relished in the idea of being the subject of your attention.

This is what he wanted. 

His little caged artist.

                                               ꕥ

1000 years later and here you were. 

Here you were sketching a picture of your best-friend Itadori with a picture of him that you had managed to capture on your phone. Itadori first came into your life shortly after you had enrolled into Tokyo Metropolitan Curse Techincal College around the same time as your other classmate Kugisaki did. 

You have no idea what drew you into the boy with the pink hair, but something within you pulled you towards him causing the blooming and somewhat hilarious friendship to start, even causing Fushiguro and Kugisaki to wonder what was going on in your mind to somehow relate to the boy - yet, they didn’t mention their questions since they didn’t really think you knew the answer yourself, and they were correct.

However, as you continued to smoothly glide your pencil across the page, applying different pressures to construct some definitions as well as shadows within the photo you were copying from, you began to suddenly realise that you were starting to draw marking upon his portrait. Markings that were so familiar to the ones the person within him had.

Ever since that day at the Eishu Detention Centre, the sight of Sukuna standing in front of you with his shirt ripped off showcasing his black marking caused a trigger of unknown memories to suddenly flood into your mind, causing excruciating pain that was so unbearable, you thought you were going to pass out from the intense pressure, maybe as even close to dying from the immense pain.

From what you could even recall from the sudden flood of blurry images that appeared in your mind, there was a picture of you drawing with a piece of charcoal with the infamous King of Curses seating right beside you, watching you draw will whispering in your ear the threats that he would bombard you in order for you to make sure that you were only drawing him and him only.

Slowly but in a shaking manner, your drawing hand continued to sketch in Sukuna’s markings that would appear on Itadori’s body as you were somewhat extremely afraid of what the King of Curses could do to you if you didn’t - just how you left 1000 years ago.

Although unknown to you, your best-friend Itadori was standing right behind you, having a clear view of what was happening to you as well as the drawing right in front of him. Seeing your shaking figure with slow but clear teardrops landing on the sketch book as well as the drawing evolving from him to the curse residing inside of him, made him realise how damaging Sukuna was to not only him but also to the people around him. Carefully, Itadori placed a hand over your hand that held the pencil, causing you to flinch before finally noticing that it was your friend that was holding it and not the special grade curse.

Within his Innate Domain, Sukuna also had a clear view on what was happening to you and slowly but strangely began to feel something drop to his stomach with the feeling of his throat closing up at the sight of you slowly breaking down into a small state of insanity. This isn’t what he wanted. He didn’t want his beautiful little one to become lifeless and paranoid like you were now.

Even after 1000 years after your death, your incarnation was carrying the feeling of fear, despair and numbness that you were weighed upon the second you had given your life away to the King of Curses for the sake of your village. Even though you had more freedom then you did then, you still left trapped and lost within the metal cage that Sukuna had enclosed you in. Even with the small hint of guilt that was manifested within the cruel curse’s heart. 

You were trapped with no escape out.

You were trapped forever with no key to open the door that was clearly right in front of you.

Forever his little caged artist.

[l-artemisia-del-secolo]

Broken bone

Yelena Belova X reader, fluff, a lil bit of misunderstanding, inspired by this, one shot, protective girlfriend vibes

"You broke a fucking what?" Yelena couldn't believe what she heard.

"A foot." You sounded pretty confident.

"How do you even... How can you break a foot? Did someone step on it or something?" She was baffled. How didn't she notice a serious injury.

"Babe, let's talk about it at home. I'm waiting for a taxi right now." You tried to calm her down.

"Yeah, right. Wait, how did you get to the parking?"

"Wheelchair."

"Oh. Are you sure you don't want me to pick you up?" She insisted.

"No. I'm fine. The car will be here in five minutes. Twenty more and I'll be at home. Don't worry."

You ended the call. Yelena didn't know what to think. It was the first time during your relationship when you didn't want her to be near. Yelena quickly brushed it off. She must have just imagined it. There's nothing to worry about. Well, surely there is. But you were not ignoring her, pushing her away.

Yelena couldn't wait to get home. She was imagining how she would cuddle you, massage, take care of you and overall be the best girlfriend you could dream of.

It was important for her. One of the reasons was that she didn't take care of anyone before. She was never usefull in a humane sense. And she desperately wanted to change that.

But the other, more important one was her desire to be with you. Throughout your time together you were always there for her. During the days she needed you, days she didn't deserve you, even days she thought you couldn't be together.

Both mentally and physically you belonged to Yelena, asking so little in return. And now this was the perfect opportunity for her to show that she cared deeply about you.

On her way home she got your favourite food and drinks, bought you a few books of the authors you loved so much, planning to spend the rest of the month with you. To hell with her job. The world can burn if her woman needed support and comfort.

"Love, I'm home." Yelena gracefully announced her arrival. "Hi, Fanny..."

The dog almost knocked her down, barking as loud as possible.

"Don't be so noisy. We should let our girl relax. She needs it right now." Yelena gestured the dog to be quiet and left the bags in the hallway.

Fanny barked again, this time softer though and pulled the owner by the sleeve with her teeth to the living room

"Oh, I haven't heard you coming in." You took off your headphones.

"Well, shows how much you were waiting for me." Yelena examined your position carefully. You didn't look relaxed sitting on the couch with your leg straightened and placed on one the IKEA poufs she herself bought a long time ago. Crouches standing by your side

"Love, of course I did." You smiled.

Yelena sat next to you, a little bit farther then usual. What if you didn't want her to be so close, what if you were in pain and one of her clumsy moves could make it worse. Somehow all the courage and determination she had before was fading away. Yelena didn't know how to approach you.

"So, what happened?"

"well..." You were surprised your woman didn't hug you or at least touch you. Because of that you chose not close the gap between you, staying exactly were you were. "...apparently something happened three of four weeks ago. There was a pressure on the bone and now the problem finally showed itself. There's no need to worry. It's a common thing. 4 weeks and I'll be ok."

"Are you sure in this? Maybe we should go to our doctor? I mean avenger's one. The one I trust."

"There's no need for that. I'm sure, he has more important stuff to do, than deal with a woman who apperently loves her heels too much." You really tried to turn all the situation into a joke. You noticed the tension in Yelena's movements and looks. The tension which none of you needed right now.

"Fine, if you don't want me to be the part of it." She grunted. "You could have just so easily not tell me anything at all."

"Hey." You tried to reach for her hand, but she was already on her feet. "What is bothering you, love?"

"Nothing."

"I can see that." You tried to get up, but the pain didnt let you do it fast. As soon as you used your injured foot you lost your balance. Luckily Yelena got you.

"What are you doing? Didn't your precious doctor order you not to walk?" With her tight grip around your shoulders, she guided you back on the couch.

"He did. But what do I care If something"s bothering you."

This whole thing was getting out of control. Why did Yelena think about herself when you clearly needed her, craved for her? Maybe she was a heartless monster, exactly like others called her.

"It's..." She inhaled deeply. "Nothing. I know that whatever it is it's only in my head."

"But it doesn't make it less real for you."

"it's just..." She only now realised that she was still holding you hand, not wanting to let you feel no aid at all. "What should I do now? I mean, you clearly didn't want me around. And even now... Is that a sign, I'm reading something wrong?"

Yelena was lost. As confused as she was during her first days after chemical control. When she had to figure out how a basic level of communication worked in the real life. Sometimes the fear of being bewildered would return. And you heart ached every single time for her. She didn't deserve all the sorrow and regret in her veins.

"Love, I'm so sorry. I had no idea you would read it like this." You took her hand in your own. "Come here, Yelena. Come to me. I want you."

Few seconds of hesitation, but this time she placed herself close to you, the closest she could, her fingers gently brushing your palm.

You took the chance to snuggle up to her.

"I just didn't want to bother you too much. The fate of the world sometimes depends on you. And sometimes you don't need even more distraction."

"You're not a distraction." She protested.

"That's not..." You kissed her cheek as a sign of guilt. "I'm sorry."

"You are my priority." She allowed her look to linger a little longer on your lips. "You are my everything. Let me be everything for you."

"The world can burn..."

Yelena didn't let you finish that sentence. Her kiss was everything she felt at the moment. Love, trust, commitment, acceptance. Everything she couldn't describe, yet everything she was ready to give you.

[animeomegas]

N-sfw writing warm up: Omega Obey me brothers and new dateables. 

I randomly generated 15 words for each character and picked my favourite one to write a N-sfw drabble.

1.      Lucifer – Table – Office Sex – When his workload starts to feel like it’s crushing him, he always turns to you. One message, and you’re at his office door, smiling gently, and he clings to the comfort you can give him. Everyone relies on him, but he relies on you. You’re careful with him. You don’t wrinkle his uniform too much, you don’t mess up any of his paperwork, you never make enough noise to bring concerned people to his door, but you still make him feel so good. When you bend him over his desk, it’s like all his worries drift away. When you push inside of him, he can’t think anymore, his mind if clouded with thoughts of you. “I’m going to cum, I’m-,” You hold him tight as he cums, ensuring that for once, he’s fully relaxed.

2.      Mammon – Picture – Photoshoot – Mammon is a model, something that he reminds you of frequently, so it’s no surprise that he looks great in front of a camera. Wearing the new lingerie you bought for him, legs spread open for you. He flushes pink under the lights as you click the camera furiously. “Does this pose look good?” he asks demurely, stretching into his next obscene position. He sprawls on the floor, holding his hips up for you and directing a sultry gaze straight at the camera. He’d do anything to keep your attention on him.

3.      Leviathan – Touch – Overstimulation – He had never been touched before you, so everything you give him is new, overwhelming in the best way. He can feel you on his skin, your hands leaving a burning sensation behind as they trail around his body. He’s hot, he can’t think straight anymore. How many times has he cum now? Five? Six? “It’s too much! I can’t- I can’t,” he sobs as you work him towards his next orgasm. He feels tingly all over, no room for embarrassment, not when the sensations are so intense. One more. For you, he can always do one more.

4.      Asmo – Disappointment – Ruined orgasms – He is so much fun to tease. He whines so prettily for you when you play with him. You wind him up and up, as tightly as you can, but just as the coil snaps, you let go, leaving him to thrash against his silk sheets, precum pouring out of him as he’s denied any sort of proper release. He can’t handle this, “Let me cum properly, please! Please, I’ll do anything,” he begs, trying to drag your hands to the heated flesh between his legs, desperate for any stimulation. He shakes all over as you continue to deny the one thing he wants over and over again. He’s not letting you end the session until you finish him properly.

5.      Beel – Poetry – Sweet talk – He’s always a sweet boy for you, and sweet boys deserve sweet words. You drown him in love, telling him how beautiful he is, how much you adore him, how much you admire him. You build him up and up and up while you worship every inch of his skin, covering him in kisses. He soaks it all up, cock twitching with every compliment. He wants nothing more than to be your good boy.

6.      Belphie – Serve – Maid outfit – He looks so beautiful in black and white, so it’s no surprise he looks the part of the perfect maid. Belphie keeps trying to tug his skirt down at the front, exposing his pretty white panties at the back. He complains the whole way through as you make him tidy up your room, “Can you just fuck me already? Why are you making me do this?”. You follow him around the room as he cleans, pinching and grabbing at him, flipping up his skirt when he moves too slowly, delighting in how he squeals and blushes. The cute bows in his hair really complete the look.

7.      Satan – Literacy – Vibrator punishment while reading – He had to finish the chapter. That was the rule you gave him. But you don’t make it easy on him. You watch him from the other side of the room, listening to him read out loud, fiddling with the remote to the vibrator lodged firmly against Satan’s prostate, pressing it whenever you please. He starts to read faster, so you turn the vibrator up to maximum. His gasps, dropping the book, keening loudly at the sudden sensations. “And so, characterisation remains key to underst- ahhh! Mmmmh, turn- turn it down, I can’t focus!”

8.      Simeon – Virgin – Corruption – To think that a few months ago he had never been touched like this before. You’d never know it, looking at his debauched form now. He’s sprawled on your bed, hands clawing at your sheets, eyes rolled back into his head, his hair making an ironic halo around his head. He’s never felt so far from and close to heaven at the same time. Nowadays, he can’t go more than a week without your touch, he’s addicted to it. The way you open him up and fill his head with dirty thoughts, making him beg for you, plead for you, worship you even. He knows the danger of idols, of falling in love with humans, but he just can’t stop.

9.      Solomon – Cane – Caning – He had been behaving like a brat all day, not that that is surprising, of course. He lived for pushing you as far as you could go, for teasing you and baiting you. He’d been whispering naughty things in your all day. So, now he was getting what he deserved. He was laying on your lap, still running his mouth even as you brought the cane down on him. “Is that as hard as you can do it? Pathe- Ugh! Oh, fuck-,”. The cane leaves stinging, red welts on his pale skin. They look beautiful on him. This isn’t going to end until he can no longer sit down.

10.   Diavolo – Biology – Horns – His demon form had always been exciting for you. Every time you saw him like that, his chest completely exposed, the gold neck piece (that looked like a collar at the right angle), and the horns. Oh, the horns. So, you decide to ask him to touch them. He blushes in such a cute way, the tips of his ears going bright red. You run your hands over the horns and Diavolo bites his lip to keep in any inappropriate sounds. But he simply can’t keep quiet when you start to scratch at the base where his horns meet his head. He just melts under your attention, “That feels so good, please, keep going, don’t stop,”. He doesn’t even try to hide the bulge in his trousers, the pleasure makes him shameless. When he gets stressed or lonely, he always lays his head and your lap and begs for you to scratch his horns.

[sarah-bae-maas]

Gwyn wants to explore, and Azriel needs a friend - a Gwynriel fic - Part 1

In honour of this blog turning five years old, I thought I would treat you all to a two part/chapter Gwynriel fic that has been wandering around in my brain throughout countless days of lockdown and tortuous university classes. 

I’m already well underway with part 2 of this fic, but I do have some assignments coming up, so expect it within the fortnight! 

So please do enjoy this nearly 15k words worth of Gwynriel goodness <3

Masterlist Ao3

_____________

She was staring at him.

Again.

Azriel had always paid special attention to Gwyn – not that he would tell her that, of course. It was a secret held deep in his shadows that she was his favourite Valkyrie, the one he thought the most brave and resilient. It would not be an unpopular opinion if he did share it, the other women looked at her with great admiration, and Nesta often sung her praises when the female wasn’t there to refute her words. But Azriel knew the presumptions people might make if they knew he thought it, and the last thing he wanted was for a misunderstanding to make Gwyn uncomfortable.

Gwyn was holding a bag for Emerie to kick, her stance strong enough that she didn’t flinch at all with each pummel. Her focus should have been on Emerie’s form, but rather her teal eyes were glued to him. Every time Azriel looked over at her, she quickly shifted her gaze to her friend, but his shadows constantly reminded him that Gwyn was once again paying her attention to him.

Cassian called the end of the session. Azriel was grateful, he was finding it harder and harder to train the women effectively when he knew Gwyn was right there.

He practically fled the scene, his cheeks brushed with red, barely nodding to the women who said their thanks to him as he passed. It’s not that he didn’t like her attention, but it made his stomach feel heavy, his hands shake, and he didn’t like how out of control he felt whenever she looked at him like that.

He settled in the dining room. Standing, he braced his hands on the table, a bead of sweat dripping off his forehead and tarnishing the wood. Nesta wouldn’t like if he got his sweat all over the table, even though her and Cassian had coated it in far more scandalous bodily fluids. He should do something productive, like work or eat or pester Rhys and Feyre to have Nyx for the afternoon, but instead he chose to close his eyes and picture the person who’d been haunting him.

He and Gwyn were friends. She was over nearly every night to eat with Nesta, their dinners a sort of lively Azriel hadn’t experienced since he’d lived in Illyria with Rhys and Cas. It was joyful to live in a space filled with such light, but also overwhelming. Azriel found that as much as he loved the time with the rag-tag team they’d made for themselves, his social timer still clicked in his mind as a constant reminder that sometimes dealing with people, even the ones you loved, could be utterly exhausting.

Not with Gwyn though, his shadows lamented, setting him straight. No, Azriel never felt tired with her.

“Az?”

As though his thoughts alone had summoned her, Gwyn’s voice startled him out of his reverie. He turned, his lips parting slightly at the sight of her.

She was still in her training gear – a shirt and pants lovingly stitched by Emerie with embroidered flowers decorating the seams – her neat braid falling around her face, framing her pearlescent skin in fire.

“Gwyneth. Do you need something?”

Her eyes were wide, her hands clasped in front of her as she wrung her fingers. It made Azriel tilt his head in confusion, not understanding why she was so nervous. They spoke every day, she mouthed off at him often, and her shift in confidence had him surprised.

“I have a proposition for you, but you must promise to not tell a soul.”

Azriel raised a brow, leaning back into the table. He spread his hands before him. “I’m listening.”

Gwyn swallowed, her cheeks turning the same shade of red as her hair.

“Imsturbalt,” she squeaked.

“What?”

“I masturbate a lot!” She smacked her hands over her mouth, as if betrayed at the words they spilled.

Azriel’s jaw went slack, his eyes near bugging from his skull. “Okay… that’s good? Self-exploration!” He half-heartedly waved a celebratory fist in the air, not sure what to say to her statement.

She groaned louder than a stabbing victim. “I was thinking that, I didn’t intend to say it aloud.” She rubbed her hands over her face, peeking at him through her fingers. “Please don’t tell anyone I said that.”

“Your secrets are safer with me than they are anyone else.” Azriel smiled, trying to diffuse the obvious tension in her body. “So, your proposition?”

She tensed her jaw, moving her arms behind and looking at the ground as she spoke. “I guess my previous statement that will never be mentioned again to anyone if you like having the functional use of your organsperhaps wasn’t entirely irrelevant to what I’m going to ask you. But I beg, please let me finish before you say anything, and also don’t feel pressured to say yes.”

“Okay.”

“Silence.”

“Yes ma’am.”

She grinned at him, her eyes finally meeting his again. “As you know, better than anyone really, I have a difficult past.”

Azriel wished he could burn the images of finding her on that table from his mind. He’d had to actively teach himself not to envision her crying and screaming for her sister when she’d first became a permanent fixture in House of Wind. He’s seen many horrific things in his time, was no stranger to the worst humanity had to offer, but it was different when it was someone so vulnerable, so selfless, so important to him. It might have made him a bad person that he didn’t equate people’s trauma accordingly, but how could he possibly care for a stranger as much as he cared for Gwyn?

“What happened to me made me fear my body. Fear the sexuality I see women like Nesta and Mor own. They’re so powerful, and the things that have happened to them… They’re not broken. They’re not less. They’re not afraid.” She paused, sighing deeply. “I would never look upon anyone in the library as lesser than because of the things that have happened to them. It wasn’t until I met Nesta and Emerie that I realised I didn’t give myself the same grace. I want to own the parts of me that were stolen. I want to feel like my body belongs to me. I didn’t even know where to begin, but then the House gave me this book, some fluffy romance novel, and the girl in it was just like me. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I just felt so seen. Like the Mother herself had handed this smut piece into my lap to make me feel better.”

Gwyn moved to one of the lounge chairs that Cassian had haphazardly shoved into a corner one night when Nesta didn’t feel like moving from the dining room. Gwyn was effortlessly graceful as she sat and curled her legs up, her head resting on her fist.

“That’s where the masturbating comes in.” Her eyes avoided his again, focusing on patterns her fingers drew in the velvet material of the chair. “The girl in the book did it. She’d never had an orgasm either. So, I did too.” She laughed quietly. “It made me feel good. Not just the physical pleasure part, but the part where it was just me, empowering myself at a pace I was comfortable with.”

Azriel wished he could say something, but one, he knew to be silent and let her have this moment, and two, he didn’t know how to tell someone he was proud of them for touching themselves without it sounding weird. He was proud though, extremely so, at how strong she felt from acting on her wants. Her resilience had always astounded him.

“In the book, the girl meets this man.” Her voice lowered, barely more than a whisper. “He treats her so kindly, in a way that I’ve seen Cassian treat Nesta a million times, in a way I yearn to be treated. I’ve given myself a clean slate. This body, my body, has only been touched by me. I am whole. I was never broken, just healing. And I’m at a stage where I want more. Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”

Azriel wished her could say yes, please the eager note in her voice that hoped he was on the same page as her, but even his shadows were silent to her desires.

She glanced at him just long enough to see him shake his head. She tipped her head back. “When Nesta first started sleeping with Cassian, I was so curious. What were they doing? What was he doing to make her look so satisfied? But when I tried to picture it, my stomach would churn. And then time passed. I grew stronger. I became a Valkyrie. And like many others before me and many more in the centuries to come, I walked in on Cassian and Nesta fucking.”

Azriel inhaled sharply. To hear the vulgarity fucking from a mouth so pure sent a bolt through him, and he chided himself for his inappropriate thoughts during such a serious conversation.

“They don’t know I saw, not that I think they would have minded. I would bet good money that if I asked for a demonstration on pleasurable acts Cassian and Nesta would be more than happy to comply. Where I might have once felt sick from seeing them, instead I felt-”

She cut herself off, looking for the right words.

“I felt burning desire. I’ve never been so envious of someone in my life. I didn’t want to have sex with Cassian, but by the Cauldron I wanted to feel the way that Nesta did. I wouldn’t tell you this if I didn’t know you were such a good secret keeper. Or such a good friend.”

Azriel couldn’t bite his tongue any longer. “Gwyn, what do you want from me?”

“I want you to have sex with me.”

***

Azriel stared at his ceiling, his shadows dancing and rolling around him.

I want you to have sex with me.

He tested the words on his own lips. They tasted sweet. They also brought an uncomfortable amount of pressure to his cock. He refused to touch it though and kept both his hands firmly behind his head.

He’d told Gwyn he needed to think about it, and she understood. She said she didn’t expect an answer from him straight away.

Azriel had a lot to consider.

He was practically titillated that when Gwyn had decided she wanted to explore herself with a male, it was him who she thought of. She expressed that it was because she knew he’d care for her, that he’d respect her and because of how much she trusted him. There were not words to express how hearing such things felt to him. It made him want to do this for her, because his soul be damned he knew he would do right by her. Make her feel good, feel special, feel appreciated.

It would be amiss though not to acknowledge that if he did do this, let her warm his bed while he tasted her, it could ruin not just the friendship they had established but also the dynamic of the house. She had assured him that if his answer was no, they would continue their lives as if the conversation never happened.

Which brought a darker thought to his mind.

If not Azriel, then who? She would surely approach someone else. Someone not deserving of her, who might not treat her how she deserved to be treated. That was not to say Azriel thought that in all his bastardly ways he was what Gwyn should have – no, she deserved more than he could ever give – but at least he knew that she would be safe with him.

The thought of another male’s hands on her made him see red.

That was answer enough.

***

Nesta and Cassian were gone for the weekend, caring for Nyx while Feyre and Rhys had a romantic getaway for the weekend. Azriel secretly thought Nesta was using this as a trial to see if her and Cassian were ready for a baby.

It was the perfect opportunity to have Gwyn join him.

The day after she’d approached him, he’d slipped her a note after training to say that he was all in, and to meet him the next night. He tried not to watch her face as she read the note but couldn’t help it. She went bright pink, but she seemed exhilarated.

And now she was standing in his room.

They nervously looked at each other. Azriel wanted to give her the chance to speak first other than their obligatory greetings, but she was tongue-tied.

“I was thinking we should take this in steps,” Azriel said, sitting on the edge of his bed, watching her refrain from pacing back and forth.

“That seems logical. What sort of steps?”

“I was thinking tonight we take sex off the table.”

“What?” Her face fell, hurt evident in her expression.

“Just for tonight. Gwyn, have you had your first kiss?”

She shook her head no.

“Then maybe we do that. And anything beyond only what you want. I need you to know that you’re in control here. Whatever we do or don’t do is completely your decision.”

She nodded, a small smile gracing her lips. “That sounds reasonable. Like you’re my little puppet.” Her hands mimed using a marionette, and Azriel found it easy to reciprocate her smile.

She moved to his side, planting herself on the bed next to him. He couldn’t help but notice the how good she smelled, how carefully her hair had been arranged and how she’d worn her nicest dress. She had wanted to look good for him, and the thought made his heart squeeze.

He reached out and held the hands she clasped in her lap. It made her look at him, her teal eyes flashing in the room only lit by his fireplace.

“You’re a very good friend, Azriel.”

“Do you want me to kiss you, Gwyn?”

She nodded, turning her body to face him.

He brushed her cheek with his thumb, then her lips, before he settled on cradling her face. She leant her head into his hand, so trusting as she looked at him. His hand was so big that the fingers that lay on her neck could feel her hammering pulse.

She leant in the same time he did.

At first it was just a peck. Their lips brushing against each other’s so gently it made Azriel ache. He pressed his lips to her again, and again, getting her used to the feeling of his lips on hers. She enthusiastically reciprocated, her slender fingers running up his chest before meeting behind his head, tangling themselves in his hair. He smiled against her mouth, pleased at such a reaction when the real kissing had yet to even start.

His grazed his tongue along her lip, and she eagerly opened her mouth, letting his tongue slip inside her. The noise she made at the contact buzzed straight through him, and he was pleasantly surprised when Gwyn, in all her eagerness, took control of him.

She kissed him as though she had done it her whole life, like her mouth belonged on his, and the feel of her delicate tongue made him deepen their kiss, angling her head so they could better feel one another. She was practically leaning back, and if this had been a meaningless one night stand she’d have been on her back by now with Azriel’s mouth between her thighs.

She broke away from him, his mouth instinctively following hers as it wanted more, making her gleam in pride.

“I want to change positions,” she said, her hands still wired into his hair.

“Anything you want,” he replied breathlessly.

Azriel didn’t know what to expect, but it was not her getting up and crawling into his lap. She straddled his thighs, and there was no way she wouldn’t be able to feel his erection pressing against her. He did with his hands what any male would do in this situation, and her giggle was enough to know that she’d wanted him to do that.

“Your hands are on my ass,” she laughed.

“Is that okay?”

“Very much so.” She took a deep breath. “Take your shirt off. Please.”

He obliged.

“And you should – you should take off my dress too.”

“Are you sure?”

“I have a slip on underneath.”

His hands shook slightly as they ran up her sides and to her back, undoing each button on her dress. To give her a more authentic experience, he decided to lean in as he did, kissing a new spot on her neck with each button that came undone.

She raised her arms so that he could slip the dress over her head, and he averted his eyes when her slip rode up with it. He didn’t look back until she had adjusted herself. When he did, he nearly fainted.

She was divine in her beauty. He always saw lovely she was, anyone with eyes would. Her body was lean and tight. Her uniform may have hidden it, but she had the power of any warrior in her body. Azriel wondered if she purposefully hid her strength so that it was a secret part of her arsenal. Smart female.

He ran his hands up her spread legs before planting them back on her ass. Unable to resist, he squeezed his hands, making her groan.

“Your hands feel so good,” she gasped. “Do everyone’s hands feel like that, or is it just you?”

He snickered. “Anyone who is worth their weight knows how to make a female feel good.” He bumped her shoulder with his nose. “What would you like me to do now? Do you want to keep kissing?”

“Fuck yes I want to keep kissing.” She leaned forward, her breasts pressing against his chest as she playfully nipped at his bottom lip. “But maybe we could do other things. Even better things.”

“What do you have in mind?”

Gwyn reached behind her and grabbed one of the hands resting on her behind. For the first time since they’d started, she looked nervous. Her legs were shaking, and Azriel was unsure if it was anxiety or anticipation for whatever she had planned.

She guided his hand under his slip until he was cupping her sex.

“You aren’t.” He swallowed hard. “You aren’t wearing underwear.”

She shook her head playfully. “I didn’t think I would need to.”

She pressed his hand into her, and he moaned at the wetness he found. She was so slick for him already, and all they had done was kiss. He did an exploratory brush through her folds, and as at the tip of his finger grazed over her clit, she arched into him, holding on tight to his shoulders.

He started teasing her, obsessed with the little noises she was making at the back of her throat as he did, but he soon realised something.

Usually, when Azriel was with a female, they got progressively more… turned on. Their bodies would react to his touch, and his fingers would be coated in their juices before he even attempted to enter them with either his fingers or his cock.

Gwyn was not.

It seemed the more he touched her, the more it was like her body didn’t want this. For all intents and purposes, she was… drying up?

His hand went still, and he could feel her body instinctively relaxing as his hand left her pussy.

“Don’t stop,” she whispered, clinging to him.

“You don’t enjoy this.” He made her look him in the eye, and his throat tightened at how she looked. There were tears lining her eyes and a deep furrow on her forehead.

“I do, I promise I do. I’m just nervous. If we – if we just overcome this one thing-”

“No, Gwyn.”

“Please Azriel,” she said desperately, trying to guide his hand back between her thighs.

As gently as he could, he lifted her from his lap and placed her beside him on the bed. Her breath shuddered, and he couldn’t bear the shattered look on her face.

She didn’t say a word, just stood up and tried to locate her dress. Azriel didn’t even know where he had thrown it, but he stood and stopped her from looking anyway.

“Gwyn…” He grasped her hands in his, towering over her as they faced each other. “I want to do this for you, please believe me when I say that. But maybe we just need to take a few more steps first. Do something else before that.”

“What else is there?” She was dejected, her shoulders slumped. “I don’t know what I’m doing Az. And I swear on the Cauldron I want this. Fuck, this is so embarrassing. I’m just so nervous, and I get in my head about everything I do-”

“Hey hey hey, stop that.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead, and the ropable tension in her body started to ease out. She slumped against him, his arms wrapping around her in an embrace. “This is fine. Great, even.”

“You are such a liar.” She sighed, but at least she returned his embrace, tucking herself into him so they were as close as possible.

He tried to think of ways to salvage the night for her, to give her at least a little bit of what she wanted.

An idea sprang to mind.

“Gwyn?”

“Mmm?”

“Get on the bed. Lie down.”

She looked up at him hopefully. She didn’t need to be told twice. She practically flung herself at the bed, laying down on her back and resting her arms above her head. She grinned at him, and he didn’t miss the way she clenched her thighs together than spread them apart like a silent invitation.

Azriel couldn’t help but brighten at her enthusiasm. He undid the buttons on his pants and kicked them down so he was naked before her.

“I thought we weren’t having sex!” She jolted to her side, holding herself up on her arms and staring at his penis, her eyes practically bulging out of her head at the sight of it.

There were many things Azriel did not like about himself. But he had a damn fine cock.

He laughed at the look on her face and shook his head. “We’re not having sex. I’m not even going to touch you.”

She deflated. “Really? Not even a little bit?”

He followed her to the bed, climbing over her without touching her and planting himself next to her so they were lying side to side. He turned his head to her, and she looked at him curiously.

“We’re not just going to lie here naked, are we? It’s a bit cold for that.”

It was a little chilly. Her nipples were hard under her slip, which had ridden up to her stomach.

“No, but we can get under the blanket if you want.”

Her gaze raked up and down his body. “I’m happy above the blanket.”

They laid in a comfortable silence for a moment, happily taking in each other’s bodies. She was the most exquisite thing he had ever seen, and he was glad to see that their kissing antics had left her dishevelled. He liked that look on her.

“Are you actually not going to touch me?”

“I’m not. I think you should touch yourself.”

“Pardon?”

“I’ll touch myself, too. It’ll be a way for us to be more comfortable with each other. For you to be in control of your pleasure.”

“Will you watch me?” she murmured.

“If that’s okay. You can watch me, too.”

She considered his words, and Azriel wondered if this was in fact not the good idea he’d thought he’d had. She pursed her lips, and he knew her answer when she grabbed the hem of her slip and pulled it off, leaving her naked before him.

They stared into each other’s eyes as her hand brushed over her exposed breasts, and Azriel had to hold himself back from taking them in his mouth, from pinching her perked nipples with his teeth. Maybe later, that could come; he thought she would quite like it.

Her right hand kneaded her breast and tweaked her nipple while her left dipped down between her legs. Two fingers ran over her core, and he studied the way she massaged herself so that he could do it to her in the future. At the sight, he tentatively grasped his cock, wanting to make sure that she was truly okay with him touching himself at the vision of her with her fingers dipping inside her, moistening herself before focusing on her clit.

Her eyes flickered to his stroking hand, and her response nearly made him finish then and there like a teenager exploring themselves for the first time. She’d seen him, and lifted her leg so that it was draped over one of his, giving her a better angle on her clit and twining them together.

“I’m used to being quiet,” she shuddered. “So that no one hears me.”

“Be as loud as you want. Scream for me.”

Her hand quickened, and his sack tightened as he matched her speed with his own hand, gripping himself tightly. He moaned so loudly that he was once again thankful that Cassian and Nesta weren’t in the house. Even the magic of the walls mightn’t contain the pleasure pulsing through him as he watched her.

Her legs started to shake, and the little noises she’d made before were no more. Her voice was loud as she no longer held herself back from feeling even ounce of her impending orgasm.

“What are you thinking about?” She asked, her hips starting to gyrate against her hand.

“You. All I can think of is you,” Azriel moaned. He pumped himself quicker, his grip becoming harder.

“What about you,” he whispered in her ear. “Are you thinking about what you saw Cassian do to Nesta?”

Her toes curled at his words. “I’m thinking of what I saw them doing, but it’s you and me.”

“What are we doing, Gwyneth?”

Her eyes fluttered shut. Her tongue licked her lips before she bit down on them. “We’re in the library. You have me bent over one of the desks, and you’re taking me from behind. One of your arms is around me, and you’re flicking my clit as I scream your name. You’re so deep in me, Azriel, I can feel every inch of you as I clench around you. Cauldron, you feel so good. The best thing I’ve ever felt, Az.”

His breath hitched, and he felt himself on the brink of coming. What finally did him in was her teeth biting down on his shoulder as she screamed his name, her orgasm making her whole body shake as it overcame over.

When they had both come down from their highs, they laid trying to catch their breath, both their bodies covered in sweat.

“That was amazing,” she sighed, turning to face him.

He grabbed a corner of the unused blanket beneath them to wipe himself off, then turned to face her, an arm going around her waist and his lips pressing a kiss to her forehead and cheek.

He wanted to look at her body, finally relaxed and languid, but his shadows had another idea. They bathed over her like silk, dancing over her curves and crevices, making her laugh.

“I quite like them,” she said, her eyes starting to drift closed.

“Are you tired?”

“Mhmm.” She snuggled into him further, stealing his warmth. His cock responded to her touch, but it was too soon yet to do anything meaningful.

“Move up for a sec.”

“Is that you trying to hint that I should go?” Her voice was joking, but the look on her face said that she’d go if he wanted her too.

“Absolutely not, you’re staying here with me. I’m just grabbing the blanket.”

She moved away just long enough for him to pull the blankets over them and pull her to his chest again.

She made a content noise and closed her eyes to sleep, and Az thought to himself that he didn’t care if this one day ended their friendship, because it might very well be the best time of his life anyway.

***

The next two weeks were filled with them sneaking away and feverishly touching themselves in all sorts of ways. Once, Gwyn sat in his lap naked while they stroked themselves, kissing each other the entire time. Another time, she pleasured herself by grinding against his thigh and he palmed himself – they hadn’t even bothered to take their clothes off. A late-night training session had led to her using a particularly shaped massage tool on herself in very a scandalous way while he watched, near feral at the sight of her pumping into herself. He did not return that item to the training ring, instead he kept it in his bedside drawer for future use.

It wasn’t until sixteen days and countless orgasms into their agreement that Azriel was finally able to touch her.

It had been a busy night. Rhys, Feyre, Nyx, Mor and Emerie were over for dinner, and it had been the most fun Az had had in a group since last solstice. At the table, he’d had Feyre on one side and Gwyn on the other, and her little secret touches to his thigh made him feel warm all over.

It wasn’t necessarily an arousing touch, just an affectionate one. When the group had started to disperse to drink, Nesta the sober adult taking care of Nyx, Az noticed Gwyn sneak away. He promptly followed her, making sure everyone was distracted as he did so no one noticed what they were doing.

Within a few minutes he was between her thighs tasting her. She had mentioned the night before that she wanted his tongue on her, and by the Cauldron was he happy to oblige. She was sitting on the edge of desk in the library that she’d described to him all those weeks ago, and whilst on his knees before her, he jerked himself off as she crumbled beneath his mouth.

Thankfully, by the time they returned, people were far too tipsy to question where they’d been.

Except for Nesta, who looked suspiciously between the two of them. Whatever she was thinking, it was at Gwyn’s behest if she knew anything. It was her decision, always, what happened between them, and if she wanted people to know about their sneakiness, that was for her to decide.

Seven days later is when she first touched him. Until that point it had all been about her, which is what Azriel wanted. They were on his bed, his fingers deep inside her as they kissed, when her hand brushed against his cock. He moved his hips aside, and she broke their kiss off with a noise of indignation.

“Stop swatting my hands away!” She flicked his nose with her finger.

“Huh?” He was still dazed on the sound of his hand gliding through her dripping wet core.

“Do you not want me to touch you?” Her voice was curt.

“I just want this to be about you. I don’t want you to think that I’m only with you for my own sexual gratification. The only thing that matters to me is your happiness, my soul purpose is you. You’re my priority.” He kissed her neck. “My desires are your desires.” Another kiss. “I can’t focus if you’re anything less than panting and satisfied.”

She pursed her lips, a familiar expression at this point. It turned into a joyful smile, and she smacked a kiss to his lips. “That was actually very sweet. After I get you off, I’m going to sit on your face.”

What was even better than the heavy petting and intense make out sessions was the talking. Sometimes for hours they would just tangle themselves together and divulge their life stories. Azriel knew all about her sister and mother – Gwyn confessing that she felt guilt when her twin wasn’t on the forefront of her mind, but sometimes she pushed her away because the memory of her was overwhelmingly devastating. Az wiped her tears away, desperate to see her smile again. But he also knew of all the good times she’d had growing up, and it made him feel alight inside to know how loved she was. Az told her mostly of Rhys and Cassian and the family they had made for themselves, about how it was so hard to be away from his mother, but he wouldn’t have survived another day in his father’s presence. Gwyn cried for him sometimes, and Azriel had never known such empathy from another.

When they were alone in the House, Nesta and Cassian off on one of their sexcations, Gwyn would spend her evenings and nights with him just as a friend, doing housework and menial tasks that she didn’t have to while humming various tunes. Az would tell her to stop working, but she would just grin and say she liked feeling like part of a home too much to not pretend that she lived there too. So he would just hum with her, his shadows dancing and swaying the way they always inevitably did around her. Then they would fall into bed together (or any surface really) until they were spent and exhausted.

Azriel had never known happiness like this.

***

Azriel was buzzing with excitement. He’d left Gwyn wrapped up in his bed, the sun not yet risen, and made sure to leave her some breakfast on his nightstand and the fire burning to keep her warm without his body next to hers. Usually he would wake her up early with his head between her thighs so she could go back to the library, but she had already told the acolytes she roomed with that she would be staying with Nesta, so no need to sneak around when no one was expecting her.

Before they’d gone to sleep the night before, Gwyn said something to him that left him smiling even now as he made his way to Rhys.

I want to have sex, Az. I’m sure. I know I’m safe with you.

Az didn’t know why Rhys needed him, but if it involved leaving Velaris, he would barter for a few more days so that he might be with Gwyn before he left. An odd feeling entered his chest at the thought. He couldn’t name the feeling; he just knew he didn’t want to leave Gwyn alone.

He landed on the doorstep of Feyre and Rhys’ home. Before he had the chance to let himself in, Feyre opened the door, a grave look on her face.

“Quick. Before they start yelling.” Feyre pinched her nose, the other hand holding Nyx on her hip.

Azriel pushed past her, and it wasn’t hard to find the source of Feyre’s frustration.

“Once again you fucking asshole, you need to back off. How dare you-”

“Nes, calm down-”

“Tell me to calm down again Cassian and I’m out of here. As I was saying, how fucking dare you accuse her of such things, Rhysand, High Lord of Shitting me up the Wall.”

“Nesta, for fuck’s sake you’re getting defensive for no reason!”

“No reason?!” she spat, Cassian holding her back before she lunged at Rhys.

“Too late,” Feyre muttered at him as she walked into the office, sitting at the desk to remain neutral in Nesta and Rhysand’s pissing match. Azriel would love to know what had riled them up so much that they were nearly screaming at each other, but any guidance from his brothers was not there.

“You have to admit that it’s suspicious, Nesta!”

Rhys threw his arm at Azriel as he approached, looking triumphant. “Azriel will agree with me.”

“He will not.”

“May I ask what I might need to agree to, or will it remain a mystery as to why you’re yelling so early in the morning?” Az crossed his arms over his chest, waiting for them to stop acting like children.

“Rhys accused Gwyn of being a spy,” Nesta growled.

“You’re twisting my words! I said I’d had reports of her acting strange, of her behaviour being completely different, and I suggested that it was worth looking into. We have to consider the safety of Velaris, and Gwyn would be the perfect plant.”

Azriel was sure Rhys was going to say more, but he was interrupted by Azriel’s uncontrollable fit of laughter. His laughs shook his whole body, and he felt tears in his eyes from how hard his fit was hitting him. He had to bend over to try and catch his breath, clutching at his chest as though his lungs might leap out of it.

“What’s so funny,” Rhys deadpanned.

Azriel shook his head and walked to Nesta, putting an arm around her shoulder.

“Are you serious, Rhys? Gwyn? Gwyenth Berdara?”

“Yes, I’m serious. Both Clotho and Merrill have approached me. Clotho, because she was worried, and Merrill, because she thought that Gwyn was being insubordinate. Clotho has had multiple girls come to her in fear for Gwyn, saying she’s been disappearing at night and coming back early in the morning. They she’s tired, unfocused, and that she’s exceeding every expectation they had for her in training and acting like a different person in the library. This has all been reported over the last month.” Rhys picked Nyx out of Feyre’s arms to calm himself before continuing. “Gwyn knows incredibly sensitive information about us. She helped us with the Trove, she treats the House of Wind like she bloody lives there. She’s awfully comfortable for a person who previous to knowing us refused to leave the library.”

Any humour Azriel felt had been leeched from his body. Nesta’s verbal beating of Rhys had been justified and then some.

“With all due respect, you can go fuck yourself,” he bit at his brother.

Feyre made a noise in the back of her throat and took Nyx back from Rhys before leaving the room, shutting the door behind her.

Too much swearing for such little ears! she said into their minds as she was leaving.

“What the fuck, Az?” Rhys looked startled.

“I knew he’d side with me,” Nesta said smugly.

“She’s ‘awfully comfortable?’ Yeah, she is, because she found a fucking family. Nesta is like a sister to her, and she’s over at the House a lot not because she’s entitled, but because we want her there. You might not make that much of an effort with Nesta’s friends because of your own personal shit, but Cassian and I consider her a close friend. Accusing her of anything unbecoming, to me, is as bad as if you’d dragged me in here to tell me Cassian was working against us. You sound ludicrous. Also, need I remind you, it’s not your fucking House anymore. Who we have over is none of your damned business.”

Rhys scoffed. “It’s not your House either.”

“Sorry, High Lord Rhysand, I’ll manage my expectations.” Az clenched his jaw at Rhys’ words. He was right. Azriel didn’t technically have any property, neither had Cassian until Rhys had given Nesta the House as a mating gift. Azriel didn’t technically have a home beyond the sky, nothing worth giving to or sharing with another person. Even now, Gwyn was waiting for him in a bedroom that technically wasn’t is. He wouldn’t dare leave though, not when he knew it was one of only two places that Gwyn felt safe in.

“Why are you getting so defensive? You know what I’m saying is reasonable.”

“It would be if we didn’t know her. She is… there are not words to describe her.”

“Yes, there is,” Nesta piqued. “She is competitive. She is feisty. She’s a Valkyrie. She is the kindest soul in Velaris. She is so brave, and strong, and the most selflessly loving person I’ve met in my entire life. If you weren’t so thick headed, you would see that she’s like Feyre in a lot of ways.” Nesta paused. She left Azriel’s side to stand in front of Rhys, her shoulders back and her head high. “If you accuse her of something it would break her heart. I won’t let you hurt her.”

“I would never hurt her, Nesta.” Rhys rubbed a hand over his face. “If you’re so convinced that nothing is going on, can you explain her strange behaviour.”

Nesta turned away from Rhys, so that he couldn’t see her face. When Nesta looked over at Azriel, she didn’t need to say a single word for him to know that she knew the exact reason Gwyn was acting different.

It was because of him.

“I don’t need to explain it because I trust her. I’m also with her nearly every minute of every day. Do you not think I would not notice if she was conniving against us? Or are you truly that foolish?”

“I agree with Nesta,” Cassian said. “She’s either with us training the Valkyries, or she’s working with Nesta in the library. Who cares if she’s a little distracted, we all are sometimes.”

“And you’re sure of this?” Rhys directed his question at Azriel, almost as if he couldn’t trust Cassian and Nesta to be impartial because of how close they were to Gwyn. Huh. If only he knew.

“I have never been surer of anything.”

***

“Azriel, wait.”

Azriel was stalking through the front gardens. He would walk until his head was clear, then he would go home – go to the House of Wind – and spend the morning with Gwyn. Nesta had other plans.

“What is it?”

“Gwyn-”

“-will be safe. I won’t let Rhys near her.”

“I’m not worried about that. What is going on between you two?”

“Nothing.”

“I’m not blind. All the things Rhys described? Sure, might be espionage, but it might also just be someone falling in love.”

“We’re not together.” Love? What a preposterous thought. Gwyn had been very clear from the beginning in what she wanted from him. She needed someone to fulfil her physical needs, and Azriel was happy to do so. All the other stuff, the talking and friendship, was just icing.

“Then what are you doing? Setting yourselves up to get hurt?”

“This is a conversation you should have with her.”

“She trusts you so much, Az. Please, don’t do anything that would hurt her. She’s come so far since we met.”

“Nesta, I promise you I couldn’t dream of hurting her. The thought alone makes me feel visceral pain. What we do, what we are, is just her making decisions and doing what she wants. How did you even know there was something going on?”

Nesta smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “I guessed she had a flirtation with someone. I knew it was you from the way she started saying your name.”

Azriel felt his eyes burn, but he did not know why. “The way she says my name?”

“I’ve heard the way she says it a million times. From Cassian and I. From Rhys and Feyre. I can’t describe it beyond that.”

Azriel shoved his hands in his pockets and shifted where he stood. “Have you told Cas?”

“I don’t need to, he knows.”

“So you guys have talked about it?”

“No. I haven’t told him that I know. But I know he knows. And he also knows I know.”

“So he knows you know even though you haven’t told him you know and you know he knows even though he hasn’t said he knows?”

“Exactly,” she laughed. Her smile was more genuine now. It was a look she’d only had since her mating ceremony. It sung contentment, something she, like him, struggled to have.

She came to him and linked their arms, resting her head on his shoulder. Her friendship was invaluable to him, as much as it was a surprise when it first started to form.

“I have one other thing to say, and then I’ll let you go home to Gwyn.”

“Yes, Nesta?”

“The House of Wind is as much as your home as it is mine. You can stay there forever if you want. It is your home, Azriel, and I wouldn’t dream of it being anything else.”

***

Gwyn was awake when Azriel returned home. She was humming a song to herself in bed, wrapped in his blankets like it was a cocoon. She had the breakfast he made for her in her lap, and when he entered the room, she pulled the blanket aside and opened her arms for him to fall into to.

Maybe he still looked stormy after his talk with Rhys, or maybe she just wanted to hold him. Either way, he fell happily into her embrace.

***

Gwyn had set a date. She did not intend to be so clinical about it, she just wanted to give herself a chance to mentally prepare for what was about to happen, and she needed a few days to do so.

The month she’d had with Azriel had been… Cauldron, she did not know how to exactly describe it. When she had approached him, she honestly did not think that he would say yes to such a ridiculous idea. But he had, and he’d given her nothing short of the best month of her life. Her cheeks ached from how much she was smiling, and even if she was tired when she worked, she wouldn’t give up her restless nights for anything.

It would also be remiss for her to not acknowledge that perhaps what she had with him was more than an arranged bargain, but any time the thoughts propped up she promptly put them to the side.

She had not gone to see Az last night, needing the time to do extra work so that she could be missed for a day. Or two. Maybe even three.

Gwyn didn’t know how long this marathon might last, but if it were anything like Nesta and Cassian’s, it could be a while.

She had also warned Clotho and the females she shared her room with that she would be staying at the House of Wind for a few days. When asked why, she just said she was doing something with Emerie without going into any detail.

So, tonight it was. She was ready.

She was so fucking ready.

The moment dinner was served in the library she made a run for it, having to physically restrain herself from skipping out of the library. She was so excited, her body literally vibrating with energy, that she didn’t even see Nesta before their bodies slammed together.

They went to a ground in a tangled fumble, and Nesta was too busy laughing to listen to Gwyn’s repeated apologies. The brisk evening air greeted them, the stars starting to peek through the violet dusk as they laid on the path that took them from the library to the training area to the House.

“Well, you made looking for you much easier,” Nesta said, brushing off her dress as she stood. She offered Gwyn a hand, which she gladly took. Nesta started walking towards the House, their hands not dropping as they swung them between them like children.

“Why were you looking for me?”

“Emerie is here with Mor and Feyre. I wanted you to join us for dinner.”

“I have dinner with you every night.”

“I know, but I wanted you to know that you’re not just welcome but also invited.”

Gwyn smiled at Nesta, love for her friend filling her heart.

They approached the House, Nesta’s face falling as they walked in and saw Rhys standing in the middle of the room, confused looks on the faces of Mor and Emerie as everyone just looked uncomfortable.

Nesta’s hands squeezed Gwyn’s, and for just a second it felt like Nesta was about to pull Gwyn right back to the library.

“I’m not sure what the problem is,” Mor said slowly. “We go out in Velaris all the time, why can’t we tonight?”

“You’re more than welcome to, I would just rather stay here,” Azriel replied.

Gwyn knew the look on his face. It was the same look he’d had a few days ago when he’d returned from Mother knows where after Rhys summoned him. Gwyn assumed Azriel had just had to do one of the many hard tasks expected of a spymaster, but perhaps there was something else if his face was a mirror of that again now.

“What’s going on?” asked Nesta.

They all turned to look at them like they were surprised to see them. Not even Azriel had noticed their entrance, although Gwyn self-admitted that Azriel tended to be surprised by her sudden appearances quite often. She didn’t know for sure, but she thought maybe his shadows didn’t bother warning him when she was near. It’s not like she was a danger to the guy.

“Rhys came and said we should try the new restaurant on the Rainbow! The one near Feyre’s studio? I’ve heard really nice things about it, and the family that opened it are really beautiful.” Mor beamed at them all, trying to disperse the odd tension. “And then maybe we could go dancing.”  

The idea sounded wonderful, and Gwyn wistfully wished she could join them. In reality, just the thought of going into the city set her heard racing. The only time she had ever left the library or the House, other than to go to Emerie’s house which landed them in the Bloodrite, was to officiate Nesta and Cassian’s mating ceremony. Although the memory was one of her most treasured ones, it was not something she thought she would be able to do again. Not yet.

“I’ve heard great things about that place,” Nesta replied, her stomach audibly grumbling at just hearing about the exquisite food it might receive.

“You are all more than welcome to go.” Azriel swept a hand out between them. “But I don’t want to.”

His gaze flickered to Gwyn, and suddenly the eyes of everyone were on her.

A blanket of understanding washed over the room. Most eyes were understanding, Mor’s held the pity that Gwyn hated, and Rhys looked indifferent, if not satisfied.

Azriel’s resistance became evident. It wasn’t just that it was the night, their night, but he didn’t want her to be left alone whilst everyone else galivanted through the city having the time of their lives when they knew she wouldn’t be able to join them.

“I don’t want to go either. It’s been a long week and I’m tired,” said Nesta.

Gwyn narrowed her eyes at her lying sister but couldn’t hold it in her heart to be angry. In face, she had to stop it from swelling with how loving their words felt. They didn’t want her to be alone. They wanted to stay with her.

“You know,” spoke Emerie softly, “I can’t imagine anywhere making food as well as the House.”

Mor’s eyes shot to Emerie, and Gwyn wondered if she was imagining the slight betrayed look in them.

“Guy’s, c’mon. Rhys and I made a reservation, they’re expecting us! It would be rude not to go,” Mor pleaded.

Azriel opened his mouth to snap back, but Gwyn interrupted. “She’s right. You should go enjoy yourselves.”

“But Gwyn-”

“It’s okay, Nesta. Please, I really think you should all go.” She made a point to look at Azriel. “It sounds like it would be a lot of fun.”

“It’s not fair to arrange activities that we can’t all participate in.” Azriel’s voice had softened as he looked at her, and if she didn’t have better self-control she would stride over and plant a kiss on his pouting lips.

“How could Mor have known that Gwyn would be here? It’s not her fault,” Rhys interjected.

“That’s the worst excuse I’ve ever heard-”

“Stop, just stop.” Gwyn clutched her hands in front of her and stepped away from Nesta. She needed them to see her as an adult, as someone who was strong and to be taken seriously. “It’s fine. Really, truly. I have a lot to do anyway.” She turned to Feyre and waved her fingers at Nyx. “If you would like, I can take care of him so you can enjoy some grown-up time.”

For a second Feyre looked hopeful, but then she schooled her face into neutrality. Rhys stepped between the two, and Feyre had to put an arm on his shoulder.

As if to stop him stepping any further.

Gywn blinked, feeling like she should blanch away but not sure as to why.

“That won’t be necessary,” Rhys said. She’d heard him use that voice before. It was his political voice. His I-have-an-agenda voice. Now it was her turn to look confused.

“No worries,” Gwyn whispered.

She looked away from the High Lord’s searing gaze and back to her friends. She hoped her face didn’t speak of her sadness.

“Please go. I would feel awful if any of you stayed on my part. If anything, by going and having a great time you’d be doing me a favour, because I wouldn’t feel guilty.”

“You could always just come with us,” Mor said, tucking her hair behind her ears in a way that was comically similar to how the ‘popular’ girls in her smutty books would behave.

Gwyn bit her lip, thinking about it. Of course, logically, she would be safe. They would all be there, Azriel would be there, but she genuinely felt like she might vomit at the thought. A bead of sweat dripped down her back, and she despised how her eyes stung with tears. She breathed the way her and Nesta had learnt from Valkyrie texts and pulled herself back to reality. Sometimes the logic of actions did not dictate how you would feel, or react, to a situation. Gwyn reminded herself once more to be kinder to herself.

“Thank you for the offer, Mor, but I am happy here.” Gwyn smiled brightly at them all, and they seemed to relax – all but Az and her sisters.

She shooed them out of the House, hoping that one day she would be able to join them.

***

It was odd. Gwyn had spent much time over the last few years alone, but it had never affected her. And although the House was quite good company – it had dinner and dessert ready for her with a box of tissues and chocolates even before Cassian had finally flown off with the resistant Nesta – it wasn’t the same as spending time with someone who could talk back to you.

She only just made it through her meal when she crawled into Azriel’s bed, hoping the scent of him would make her feel better.

It didn’t, but the sight of his room did. There were unlit candles lining the room, and flowers adorning every surface. The cheeky male had even installed a mirror on the ceiling above the bed, and she blushed profusely at the implications.

He had tried to make it romantic, and she adored him for it.

She had no idea when he would be back, and she scolded herself for wishing it would be sooner rather than later. She wanted him to be out and about with his family, even if it made her burn with envy that everyone would be able to enjoy him but her.

She rolled over, stuffing her face into his pillow and groaning. She should take off her day clothes and resign herself to pyjamas. Maybe she should sleep in a different bedroom so as to not torture herself with what this night could have been.

Her night with Az. The night with Az.

“That’s it. I am so over this,” she said aloud before springing up. She stomped out of the room and towards Nesta’s, flinging her closet open to inspect her clothes.

It was just a restaurant. It was safe. She would be fine. Besides, how could she overcome her fears if not to face them? She had gone to Emerie’s and survived. She had gone to Nesta’s mating ceremony and survived. She had won the bloody Bloodrite!

As she looked through the dresses, she quickly realised they wouldn’t fit. They would hang loose at her hips and chest, where Nesta was beautifully endowed and she was not.

“Not to worry, I’ll just take a coat then.” Taking the first one she saw, light but soft enough that warmth wouldn’t be an issue, Gwyn shoved her shoes on approached the door that led to the ten thousand steps that would take her to Velaris. She didn’t know where to go from there, but she knew in her heart of hearts that she would be able to find her friends with enough willpower. And since meeting Nesta and Emerie, since being empowered by the strongest females she knew and since empowering herself, she knew she had that willpower in abundance.

“Let’s fucking do this.”

***

She didn’t know at what point the House had left her, its omnipresence not connected to the stairs, but she was doing just fine even if she felt its absence. She counted in her head to keep track of where she was.

One thousand. Feeling good. Coat in arms.

Two thousand. Out of breath but in a good way.

Three thousand. Fucking shit.

Four thousand. Maybe she should turn around.

Five thousand.

Six thousand. How has Nesta done this multiple times?

Seven thousand. She had this! This was easier than Ramiel!

Eight thousand. If she died here no one would find her.

Nine thousand.

Ten. Fucking. Thousand.

Gwyn realised that there was no way she’d be able to eat with them. They would be having dessert if they hadn’t already moved on. She just needed to find them.

As Gwyn took the last step, her toes touched the streets of Velaris for the very first time.

It was so beautiful she thought she might cry. There was colour everywhere, the laughter of adults and children alike, and she could smell delicious food as the many restaurant’s wide-open doors let the scents pour into the streets. The faelights lining the streets reminded her of the stars she often gazed at with Azriel, the thought of him like a caress to her mind.

Azriel loved Velaris, would die for this city if he had to. How could she been afraid of something he loved so much?

She took one step. Then one more. She was sure to anyone that glanced her way she must have looked like a lunatic, her eyes wide in wonder as she moved at a snail’s pace, Nesta’s coat bundled in her arms because after all those steps she didn’t need it.

Her heart was hammering in her chest, equal parts fear and excitement, as she walked through the city. She got a few odd looks, but she could see it was out of curiosity for a newcomer in a city that had been locked down for centuries, and not for violence. She wasn’t leered at or bothered. In fact, the only time someone even talked to her was when a toddler sprinted from his mother’s side, his legs too quick for his body to keep up, and he fell into her.

The mother apologised profusely but Gwyn didn’t care at all. How could she be mad at the pudgy little baby?

It was easy to find her way to a district clearly dedicated to all things food. If possible, she slowed down even more. She peeked inside every restaurant looking for the four sets of wings that would set her friends apart from everyone else.

Finally, after what seemed like hours of searching but was probably closer to forty minutes, she saw them.

Azriel and Rhys were standing outside the restaurant Mor must’ve been talking about. Light and music drifted from its open windows, the streets still full of roaming people. Gwyn knew they wouldn’t be able to see her yet, and she wondered how she should approach them.

Azriel… did not look happy, and the tense set of Rhys’ shoulders and back let her know that his face likely looked the same, even if he was facing away from her.

Before she could think of a strategy, Azriel looked up, his eyes meeting hers.

Gwyn could not describe the feeling that filled her as they drunk in one another. Still standing twenty steps from him, his gaze made her feel like she was wrapped in his arms.

She raised one hand in a wave, and it was like Rhys didn’t exist at all.

Azriel shoved him to the side, Rhys making an indignant sound as he did. He ran to her, and she dropped Nesta’s coat so she could wrap her arms around him as they crashed together. People in the streets backed off at Azriel’s display, and in that moment she couldn’t have cared less about where she was, as long as she was with him.

His wings wrapped around her, creating a shield between them and the outside world.

“Gwyn.”

“Hey Az,” she whispered, her arms around his neck and his face tucked to her shoulder.

“What are you doing here? Is everything okay?” He straightened and brushed the hair from her face. It had stuck to her skin from how much she had sweat while taking the stairs, but she didn’t care how she looked. She knew he certainly never would.

He looked ready to fight an invisible threat, and it made her throb in unspeakable places.

“Nothing’s wrong. I just – I. Um.” She hadn’t rehearsed what she would say to him, but it’s not like she could blurt out Hey! Just wanted to near you at all times and rub my body against yours!

“Did something happen? What do you need me to do?”

She shook her head. “No, no, Az, really, I’m fine. I just regretted not coming out with you all.”

He must have been able to see the honesty on her face and smile, because he relaxed, his wings folding back.

The look on his face was adorable as the realisation dawned on him that she was here for him.

“Did I miss everything? Are you all done?”

He didn’t answer, but he did look behind him. Rhys was standing there with his mouth open, his face laced with something Gwyn couldn’t put a name to. Before she could greet him, Rhys stormed back into the restaurant.

Azriel turned back to her, and he didn’t hesitate when he lifted her chin and kissed her.

She gasped but reciprocated zealously. She pushed her body into his, and his arms went around her as he lifted her off her feet, cradling him to her as he kissed her like she was the wind that let him embrace the skies. He tasted like air, like gold, like this was his final breath and he was he was sharing it with just her.

***

Azriel sat with Gwyn while the rest of their friends danced. She hid it well, but he could tell that she was nervous being in this new environment.

She had been so good, so brave when she went into the restaurant and greeted Azriel’s family. Nesta and Emerie jumped up when they saw her, and Nesta held her tightly while Emerie rushed to get another chair. Nesta was trying to be subtle, but Azriel saw the happy tears she shed as she held Gwyn. Emerie then insisted that Gwyn sit and eat her strawberry and mango cheesecake with her, which earned an inexplicable scowl from Mor. Interesting.

Once Gwyn was satisfied and protesting the consumption of more food, they all walked together to one of the classier bars Nesta used to frequent so they could go dancing. Everyone was light as a feather, except Rhys, but life was hard as a fucking asshole, so Az wasn’t surprised he was feeling surly.

And now here they were. Azriel and Gwyn seated with the others dancing to their hearts content. Mor was spinning around with a giggling Nyx, Feyre and Rhys were swaying but it was obvious they were speaking to each other through their daemati bond, and Emerie and Nesta were terrorising Cassian in a three-way dance.

“How are you feeling?” Azriel asked, his shadows silent to her moods. If it had been anyone else, he would have known she was coming to the restaurant before she’d even left the House. But his shadows didn’t like to spy on her and revelled in him being surprised by her.

“I feel good.” Her gaze was focused on the dance floor, and Azriel glanced over to see what was so entrancing.

Nesta and Cassian were finally dancing alone, Emerie now with Nyx and Mor. The way Cassian and Nesta were grinding on each other was nothing short of pornographic as they moved into the shadows of the dance floor. Nesta’s back was to Cassian, his hands clasped on her hips as his lips were on her neck as she pushed her ass back against him.

Azriel snorted. They’d be fucking in an alley within the next fifteen minutes.

“Do you want to dance like that, Gwyneth?”

She turned to him, a lovely flush spreading from her face to her chest. “No,” she said unconvincingly. She slid her chair closer to his, the bar stool so high she had to hop onto it to sit. It was frightfully cute, and Azriel had to restrain from kissing her again.

He couldn’t help it in the street. The sight of her – rumpled, breathless, her face alight with joy – was too much for him.

She was beginning to be too much for him.

The longer he was with her, the more of her he was allowed to have, the more he feared he could never go back to just a simple friendship. This female would either be his salvation or his ruination, either of which he would happily accept if it meant he could savour every minute he had left with her.

Under the table, she linked their hands, and Azriel thought he might very well die from the touch.

“I’m sorry we didn’t get to enjoy our plans.” He rubbed his thumb against her finger.

She smiled his way, her eyes crinkling at the sides. “It’s okay.” She looked down, biting her lip. “I went to your room. I saw what you had done.”

He swallowed hard. “Did you like it?”

She removed her hand from his and placed it on his thigh. “I loved it.”

He shifted in his seat, glad that the tablecloth was long enough so that anyone around, if they looked, would only see their ankles. “You’re playing with fire right now,” he chucked under his breath as she continued to stroke his thigh.

“I especially liked the mirror on the ceiling. May I ask, what purpose does it serve?” Her smile may have been all innocent, but the way her hand was moving was anything but.

She leant against him so they were touching shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip.

“It was for your pleasure.”

“Is that right?”

He brushed his lips to her ear, grateful that the dim lights of the bar kept them in the shadows and that the dancing bodies kept their scents hidden. And over the live music, no one would hear them. “Mhm. It was so that, no matter what position I put you in, you could watch me.”

She tipped her head back, humming in acknowledgement. Her hand, already in dangerous territory, swept down his increasingly hard length.

He grunted, laying both his hands on the table and fisting the cloth.

“Is this okay?” she asked, breathless.

He nodded, taking a swig of his drink to distract him.

She brushed her hand down again, bolder this time, and he squirmed in his chair.

“I would take it out, but I fear it would be seen over the table. So inside it stays,” she sighed. “It must be hard being so large.” She put her lips to his ear, mimicking what he had done to her. “I do love it though. The size, the taste, I think about it constantly.”

“You’re going to be the death of me,” he choked out. “But at least I’d die happy.”

Her hand slipped inside his pants, and he couldn’t help but thrust up into her hand. He tilted his head back in pleasure as she worked him, getting the angles just right as she pumped him. He was unbelievably aroused by the public act, barely able to believe that she’d do something so audacious. But Cauldron have mercy, he would do anything if it meant she was touching him. She could ask to ride him right now in the middle of this bar and he would blissfully indulge.

“I’m going to finish soon,” he warned her.

“I can’t wait for you to finish in me.”

Her words were his undoing, and he felt the edge of the table splinter under his grip as he contained his moan of pleasure.

He stared at her as she pulled her hand from him, offering him a serviette to clean himself like she hadn’t just given him a mind-blowing orgasm where anyone could have seen.

“Az?” she asked after a few, content minutes of silence.

“Yes, Gwyneth?”

“Do you think we could go dance?”

***

Gwyn couldn’t remember the last time she had been this relentlessly happy. Azriel flew her and Emerie back to the House of Wind, the latter looking forlorn as they finally left the bar in the small hours of the morning.

Rhys and Feyre had left much earlier, Nyx too small to stay up that late, and if Gwyn was being honest she was surprised they lasted as long as they did. Feyre seemed fine, but Rhys was in a shocking mood. Every time she asked Azriel about it, he just muttered about Rhys being a jerk without elaborating. She could tell that whatever it was, it was sensitive, so she didn’t push him.

Her and Nesta put a very intoxicated Emerie to bed, stripping her and putting her into some pyjamas before tucking her in nice and tight with some herbs on her nightstand that would help her head in the morning. Azriel and Cassian had already gone to their respective bedrooms, and Gwyn contemplated how she was going to sneak into Azriel’s room when Nesta stopped her.

“Can we talk for a second?”

“Of course.”

Nesta led her to the library, and they plopped themselves onto one of the plush couches. Gwyn faced her as she sat, tucking her feet under Nesta’s thighs to keep them warm.

Two hot chocolates appeared to them on a table, a dish of marshmallows to the side. They whispered their thanks to the House, claiming the warm drinks. Gwyn pressed hers up against her face, liking the warmth on her skin.

“What do you want to talk about?” Gwyn asked, taking a sip.

“Azriel. You. You and Azriel.” Nesta patted her shin, and Gwyn put her drink down. This wasn’t a hot chocolate kind of conversation.

“I don’t know what you’re talk-”

“Do you love him, Gwyn? Because if you did, or even if you don’t, you don’t have to sneak around Cassian and I and pretend nothing is happening. You can live here, forever if you want. All four of us in the House.”

“Nesta-”

“Imagine if we both had our families and babies here. It’s a big place, we wouldn’t get in each other’s way. And maybe Emerie could come too and she could fall in love too and we’d all be so happy. Okay, I’m rambling and that was weird. What I’m trying to say is – is that you can Azriel are so obviously together and I’m wracking my brain trying to figure out why you’re keeping it a secret from us, not that I care that you have secrets you’re an adult and you don’t have to tell me everything, and I’m so fucking happy for you, Gwyn, and I want you to know that you can be publicly happy, if you want.”  

“Nesta…”

“I just love this. You and him. I’ve never seen Azriel so happy and you just smile all the time. And, oh, it reminds me of Cassian. In the way that I can see ourselves reflected in you two, and I wonder if maybe if I hadn’t been so,” she gestured at her head, “you know, then I could have just been this happy from the start of us, with him, like you two. So I need you to know that if you want that, if you want him, I am so incredibly supportive and I will do anything you want if it means you get your happily ever after. Okay, I’m done.”

“Nesta.”

“And I also would just love to know how this all began. Like the secret little smiles and observations that I’ve had for as long as I’ve known you just changed one day. And I know you guys used to train alone sometimes and I know you were always here with him, and me and Cas but I can’t pinpoint when your friendship turned into this.” She paused and took a deep breath. “Sorry, I really am done now.”

“Are you sure?” Gwyn pinched her cheek lovingly, and Nesta swatted it away.

“Yes.”

Gwyn took a second to think about her words, and as nice and idyllic as they sounded, Gwyn wasn’t sure they were the truth.

“Nesta, we aren’t together.”

“What?”

“We have a…” Gwyn struggled to find the words. “Deal? Agreement?”

“A sexy agreement?”

Gwyn laughed. “No. Well, yes actually.” She launched into the story of how her and Azriel had started their bargain, detailing how Azriel had agreed to help her overcome her fear, and how much they practised towards her ultimate goal of sex. Gwyn also expressed how their closeness was something she treasured, as spending so much time together naturally led to a deepening in their friendship. Her face stained pink as she told her of some of the things they had done, but how, after over a month together, that hadn’t actually sealed the deal.

Nesta was silent the entire story, letting Gwyn speak her truth. She was contemplative over Gwyn’s words, not saying anything until she was done speaking.

“Before I say anything, I want to let you know how incredibly proud of you I am, and how much I support wanting to explore yourself and your sexuality. No matter what I say, I need you to know that.”

Well, that wasn’t a good start.

“I understand, Nesta.”

“Gwyn, do you love him?”

Gwyn took a deep breath. It was a topic she often pushed from her mind, unable or not wanting to broach the subject. “I don’t know.”

“It’s a yes or no, Gwyn.”

Gwyn shrugged her shoulders. “What if it’s a ‘I’m not sure because I so thoroughly blurred the lines between what was real and what I asked him to do to help me?’ What if it’s a ‘I don’t know if I could say it to him but if he said it to me, I would say it back in an instant?’”

“Do you know how he feels about you? Has he said anything?”

Gwyn shook her head. “I know we’re friends. I know he cares about me. I know he would do anything I asked of him. I know he must love me, in some way, but I don’t know if it’s love-love or platonic love.”

“And he’s never given any sort of indication of his intentions?”

Gwyn pondered how thoughtful he was, how detail oriented he was to her pleasure and how he was the best part of her day. And as she thought about it, about him, who was so caring and lovable and agreeable, and she realised that a lot of what he did for her – the comfort, the talking, the support – he would do for anyone.

“I’ve never asked.” Her breath shuddered, and Nesta put a hand to her cheek.

“Maybe you should.”

“What if he doesn’t feel the same way as I do? What if I’m just an obligation?”

“Oh, my love.” Nesta repositioned them so that Gwyn was lying down, her head in Nesta’s lap, as Nesta lovingly stroked her hair. It reminded Gwyn so much of what Catrin used to do that she couldn’t help the tears that started to shed.

“It’s better to know what you are to him. If it’s any consolation, I think he cares about you a great deal. Maybe even loves you. It’s hard to tell when he’s naturally so cold.”

He wasn’t cold, she wanted to say, he was the warmest person she knew. Instead, she cried, and she let Nesta comfort her like she always did.

***

A few days passed, and although Gwyn never left the House, her sexual relations with Az didn’t progress. Rather, they stopped altogether. He didn’t mind at all, he was just glad for her company. They talked and trained, and Azriel was surprised that somehow he could be even more impressed of her than before.

She also started doing what he called her ‘casual kisses.’

They would be doing something monotonous, like sorting weapons for training the next day, and she could kiss him as she walked by him. Or they would be sitting in bed reading, and she would lean over and brush her lips to his temple.

It became a game, who could casually kiss the other first if the opportunity arose, and it was the best game Az had ever played.

He felt himself looking forward to the nights even if the only touching they did was cuddling until they fell asleep in each other’s arms. Azriel wondered if this is what home felt like.

It was late, and Gwyn decided that she needed to return to the library before people started to question where she was. Az didn’t have the heart to tell her they already were.

“I had the most interesting conversation with Nesta the other day,” she said as they reached the door that would take her away.

“What about?”

Gwyn fiddled with her fingers, trepidation oozing from her.

“Are you okay?” he asked, worry starting to maw at him.

“I’m fine.” She turned to face him, and he took the opportunity to kiss her on her hairline. He loved the height different between them, it made him feel bigger than he was. “Nesta asked me about us. She has suspected for a while.”

He schooled his face into neutrality. As far as Gwyn knew, this was new information to him.

He hadn’t told her a word of what had happened between them and Rhys, and it would stay that way. All it would do was hurt her, and Azriel was serious when he said no harm would ever come her way from him. She did not need to know that Rhys was acting like a tool.

In more ways than one. Azriel didn’t need to read minds to know that Rhys was highly suspicious of them both. And more so, as much as it pained him to admit, how much Rhys disapproved. He wasn’t sure why, and he couldn’t bear to ask, but he had a good idea. Rhys, as much as he loved Az, must know that he would never be good enough for Gwyn. The idea had plagued him for days, and the only thing that drove away the dark thoughts were the casual kisses Gwyn would bestow upon him.

“How do you feel about that?” he asked her, snapping back to their conversation.

She shrugged. “At first I was worried, but now I’m actually kind of relieved.”

“Why were you worried?”

“You know, it’s weird. I had it in my head that if people knew I was on this mission to achieve some ultimate, empowering orgasm that they might judge me. But Nesta never would, and I felt like an idiot as soon as she looked at me and told me she knew we were,” she gestured between them, “touching.”

Az snickered. “Touching is one way to sum it up.”

“She asked me something I couldn’t answer.”

“What was that?”

“She asked me what we are.” She brushed her hands over his chest absentmindedly. “What I am to you.”

He clasped her hands and held them to his heart, trying to make her look at him when she was purposefully focusing on the floor.

“What did you tell her?”

“I told her the truth. That I don’t know what I am to you.”

“Gwyn…”

“I need to say something, and I beg you not to interrupt until I’m done.” She sniffled, and he hated the tears that threatened to spill from her eyes.

She took a deep breath and wiped her tears away, facing him with steel. “I genuinely approached you with nothing but friendship in mind. I had a plan, to sleep with you once and then go back to how we always were before – me, as your overly competitive but absolute best student, and you as, as this God of a man that I could not believe even walked the same existence as me, let alone be someone I considered a friend. You were my ribbon Az. The thing I wanted to be as good as. And then you said yes to me. I didn’t expect you to. I half-thought you would laugh because you thought I was joking. But you didn’t, and you said yes, and I have made the grave mistake of developing feelings I swore to myself I wouldn’t.”

He opened his mouth to say something, but she put a hand over his mouth before he could.

“I had every intention of having sex with you until Nesta asked me what I was to you. And then I realised that if all I was to you was a proposition to uphold, I couldn’t do it. I can’t be with you just once. I can’t be just friends if we take that last step. So, Az, I’m asking you, and please don’t feel obligated to say anything you don’t feel, but what am I to you?”

He couldn’t breathe. His chest felt like his ribs were being ripped apart and then shoved back together until his lungs were caged too tightly. He knew what he wanted to say, that of course she was more than that, she was everything, but then he thought of her spirit being crushed by his inadequacies, and how she could do so much better now that she was ready to. She was pure, she was light, and she deserved more than his darkness.

He had been quiet too long.

Watching her was like watching a porcelain doll shatter after being dropped. Her face crumbled, and she pulled her hands away from him as she tried to contain herself.

“You’re my best friend.” He finally said, his own tears stinging at his eyes. “I can’t lose you.” Which he would, if she stayed with him and realised how truly broken he was.

A sob fractured her chest, and Az hated the way her voice sounded when she spoke. “You’re my best friend, too.”

And then they were kissing. It tasted like salt from their tears and was more passionate and heart-wrenching than any of the kisses they’d had before. They were drowning, their only hope at salvation one another as they clung to each other with all the strength they had.

Azriel didn’t want to let her go. He knew once he did that it would be over. His month of bliss, of final contentment, would be over. Part of him wished Nesta had never opened her mouth, or that he’d been able to tell the truth, but all of him wished that he was someone else, or that he was more like his brothers, so that he was good enough for her.

When they finally stopped kissing, it was not so she could leave. They still clung to each other, breathing in each other’s scents, well into the night.

When she whispered goodbye, part of his soul left with her as she walked away.

He lied to her by staying silent. He should have told her the truth, that what he was feeling went deeper than affection, maybe even deeper than love. But this lie protected her, and he would take it to his grave.