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wolfcrunch · 5 years ago

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32.

i didnt get a character or angst/fluff decision so i went with bakugou!! hope that’s alright!

Prompt #32 - What did I do?

read on AO3 - request a prompt and character(s) for me to write!

What did I do?

Crimson coloured eyes stared blankly upwards, tracing patterns into the clean, white tiles overhead. Silence rung in his ears, but thoughts and memories weight heavy on the young hero’s mind, the events of the previous two days playing on rewind.

What did I do?

He could still hear the cries for help, the yells of his friends, screaming at him to move. To do something. He could still taste smoke and blood, on the tip of his tongue despite it being cleaned off long ago. He could still feel his tattered costume sticking against his sweat-laden body, covered in soot and dirt and all sorts of debris.

What did I do?

He remembered he had been facing a tenacious villain, one that he and Deku had been essentially ‘hunting down’ for the past three months, at least. A man who could outmaneuver even the proclaimed Wonder Duo, of all heroes.

Katsuki and Deku had only been heroes for around five years now - and in all of that time, they had not yet come across a villain who could make them chase tail for more than a week, the League excused.

All except the man they had come to know as 'Torrent’.

A dangerous man who seemed set on stirring up trouble, the heroes who had faced him weren’t entirely sure on what his quirk really do, except it was some sort of extreme weather manipulation. He’d been shown to cause a vast arrangement of weather - from storms, to hail, to snow and even fire tornadoes.

Even with Katsuki and Deku working together - it was almost as if the other man had several quirks, with how quickly he could change the weather and make his escape.

They’d run into the villain again, and Katsuki had decided enough was enough. The man in question had sent a blast of dangerous high wind through some apartment buildings, leaving the buildings almost destroyed and civilians in need of saving. Their job had been to get the civilians out safely first…

But then Katsuki had seen him. And his vision went red.

He’d screamed at Deku to start evacuating victims before blasting off after the escaping man, his explosion quirk boosting him along. Deku had tried to stop him– but there were people in need, and he couldn’t just abandon them.

Not when the buildings looked as if they were going to fall.

Despite having grown and mellowed out…Katsuki still had a bit of a short fuse. And here, it had decided to come and bite him on the ass.

He didn’t know how the guy’s quirk worked, let alone a way to possibly take him down and immobilize him long enough for Deku to catch up…he hadn’t been thinking straight, he could admit that much. He could admit defeat.

Failure.

So…what did I do?

Nothing…absolutely fucking nothing.

Katsuki had been no match for the villain, not even with his rage-filled mind that made him act before thinking. The explosive hero prided himself on his reaction times, on his prowess, on his fighting experience, years of that skill honed into his very bones.

But it still had been no match, not alone.

Torrent had toyed with him. He’d batted the hero around as if the two were playing cat and mouse - as if Katsuki was the prey, in this scenario.

Torrent knew Katsuki - the hero, Ground Zero - was no match for him, and it had only served to make Katsuki angrier as the minutes ticked by. As Katsuki got worn down, expending all of his energy into firing off blasts…he’d been so angry, that he hadn’t accounted much for his surrounding area.

Of course, collateral damage was usually never an issue…his PR would chew him out for it, but it was something he could pay off…

…but the lives at stake…

Katsuki’s calloused hands gripped at the light, scratchy blanket laid over his body, an all-too-unfamiliar burning beginning to build up in his eyes. He hated, hated, hated this. This feeling….

Complete, utter failure.

Katsuki could do nothing. Nothing as Torrent sent a huge gust of wind clashing into him, making the hero crash into an unstable building. Nothing as a shrill cry sounded from within its walls, breaking Katsuki out of the rage-filled cloud overhanging every nerve.

He did nothing as Torrent sneered at the sounds emitting from the once-thought abandoned building, calling out something Katsuki couldn’t hear over the roar of vicious winds.

Nothing as heroes arrived on the scene– Red Riot, Pinky, Uravity, Deku– screaming out for the explosive hero to move.

To save…

Katsuki couldn’t move…and two children, eight and three, had perished as Torrent brought the building down upon him. Katsuki hadn’t known…but that didn’t make the weight in his chest any less heavy.

He’d been lucky that he was alive - Deku having jumped into the fray and chasing Torrent off as Red Riot, Pinky and Uravity dug him and the children out, as the nurses said once he awoke.

According to them, no one had been to visit yet, even though Katsuki hadn’t been too critically injured, surprisingly…

Not that he deserved their company.

Ground Zero was suppose to be a hero, yet two children lost their lives because of him. A couple was never going to hug their children, see them grow up…he knew that all heroes lost someone at least once during their careers…

But this was all utterly Katsuki’s fault, he knew. He was the reason that Japan had lost two lives that day.

He was the reason Torrent was still on the run. If only he had waited–

If only he hadn’t run in like a damn intern on his first patrol…those two kids might still be alive.

The blond scowled, lifting a hand to slowly run through his dirtied hair, wincing at the tiny shards of glass still stuck between its strands. He’d told the nurses to piss off after checking his vitals after awaking not a mere three hours ago…now he was kinda starting to regret that.

Ugh…the sooner I can get out…

Katsuki knew that to wallow in his own self-pity was…pathetic. He didn’t deserve to feel so sorry for himself. No, because those kids–

They had needed him in that moment. They had needed to be saved, by a hero.

And Katsuki had been still, sealing their fates.

He scowled to himself, before carefully propping himself up with his arms. The IV in his arm felt uncomfortable, and his eyes stung at the light coming in from the window. The sooner he got out, the sooner he could do something - he wouldn’t be very surprised if the parents tried to press charges because of their children.

He’d deserve it.

His body, aching, protested against the blond’s movements, but he ignored it to force one leg over the side of the bed, gritting his teeth at the harsh movement. The nurses would have his head if they saw him trying to get up.

But he couldn’t sit here and do nothing. He needed to make up–

“Kacchan!”

The blond gave an indignant squawk as a hand settled on his shoulders, before his brain clicked with the familiar name. “Deku, what the fuck?!”

“Shh, the nurses are gonna kick me out-”

“As they should, shitty nerd!” Katsuki’s raging words held no real bite to them, despite the way his red gaze pierced through the over. Deku at least had the decency to look sheepish. “How the hell did you get in here?” he lowered his voice, slightly.

His hero partner glanced at the door of the room, which he had carefully shut completely to make sure no one was peeking in before looking at the older man. “I….distracted a nurse and managed to sneak past?”

“Deku–”

“They weren’t gonna let us see you!” Izuku insisted, waving about his hands - one which held a plastic bag. “After the thing with Torrent, I got some stuff and came back to the waiting room. They didn’t give any word about you having woken up and I got worried-”

“I don’t want your stinking ass in my room!” Katsuki hissed. “And what do you mean we? What about all the civilians?!”

“They’re fine!!” Katsuki’s cause for his newest headache assured him. “I’ve already dealt with the paperwork and the press…well, most of it. Kirishima and some of the others are still in the waiting room for when you get released - your entire fight was on the news!”

“Fucking– Deku, you’re number fucking one, it’s your job to go out there and detain Torrent, ain’t it?!”

“Kacchan, I wasn’t going to risk going after him alone.”

Now Katsuki knew that Deku was stronger than him - three years together in U.A, and five as hero partners…he’d be stupid to not say that Deku had surpassed him in terms of strength - although when exactly that happened was muddled and forgotten…

Deku had always been stronger than him in moral, too. Even before inheriting One For All.

“Anyways…no one’s seen or heard from him in the two days you were out…I think for now, its fine to take a break,” Izuku then grinned, shaking the bag in his hand. “Anyways, I got some of your clothes from the agency. I don’t think anyone wants to see your ass when you finally get out of here.”

Katsuki paused, the words sinking in. He blurted out what was first to conjure into a sentence.

“What, my ass not good enough for the bunch of you freaks, huh?!”

“N-no, Kacchan!” Izuku couldn’t help but snort, shaking his head. “I think Kirishima would call it manly-”

The broad-shouldered hero got an angry shove at that, the injured one of the two fuming at him. “Eat shit and die, nerd!” he nearly screamed, causing Izuku to laugh louder.

“Come on Kacchan, it was a joke!”

“Yeah? Your whole career is gonna look like a fucking joke in a minute, asshole!”

Katsuki couldn’t help the smug grin that crossed his face as the door to his room was slammed open, two fuming nurses standing outside and setting their sights right on Deku, who looked up like a deer in headlights.

Not even the Number One hero could escape punishment by a couple of angry nurses set out to make sure their patients were comfortable, Katsuki supposed…good.

#bnha #mha #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #bakugou katsuki #midoriya izuku #deku #kacchan #my writing

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latetothegreysparty · 7 years ago

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365 Days

Here’s something I wrote for the anon who gave me the following prompt: “Maybe you could write another one where Amelia is brought into another hospital and as she's not responsive at first, Owen who's still listed as her emergency contact is called. Only he arrives too late and the doctors there have already given her opiods, which she will not be happy about.”

I hope this is something along the lines of what you had in mind, anon!

365 Days

As Owen pulled his dinner from the oven, he heard his cell phone ringing from where it sat on the kitchen counter. He sighed. It had been a long day in the ER today, and he really didn’t want to have to take whatever call this was. He had really been looking forward to relaxing for the rest of the evening. He sighed heavily as he grabbed the phone off the counter before answering, “Dr. Hunt.”

“Dr. Hunt, this is Ruth, a nurse at Seattle Presbyterian Hospital,” said the voice on the other end of the phone. Owen was about to ask a question, but Ruth continued to speak. “I am calling because you are listed as the medical power of attorney for Amelia Shepherd. She has been admitted to our emergency room, and we would like you to come here, if you are able, to make decisions in her care.”

“I’m on my way. What happened?” Owen asked, already shutting off the oven and jogging to grab his jacket and shoes.

“She’s been in a car accident,” Ruth replied. “We can give you fuller details of her condition when you arrive.”

Owen felt numb as he hung up the phone and raced out to get into his truck. A million scenarios raced through his mind about what condition Amelia could be in, and he just had to know what happened. The entire drive to the hospital was a blur of terrifying thoughts and prayers that Amelia would make it out of this situation alive.

Owen ran from the parking lot into the emergency department of Seattle Pres, only stopping at the desk to breathlessly say, “Owen Hunt here for Amelia Shepherd.”

“Right this way,” the triage nurse said as she led him back to exam room 11. “This is Elise, the nurse taking care of Amelia,” the triage nurse said as she gestured to the woman in scrubs who was staring at the monitors above Amelia’s bed and making notes in her chart.

“What happened?” Owen blurted out as he turned to face Elise, not even bothering to introduce himself.

“You must be Owen Hunt,” Elise guessed. When Owen nodded she continued, “Amelia was in a car accident. She was injured pretty seriously. Her left arm has a compound fracture, she’s got 2 broken ribs, one of her lungs collapsed, and she has quite a few bruises and scratches. She’s asleep right now, probably from the meds we’ve given her. When she wakes up she’ll probably be a little disoriented and feeling pretty rough. We expect her to make a full recovery, though.”

After determining that Amelia’s injuries were serious and painful but not life-threatening, Owen asked the question that immediately came to mind: “What drugs did you give her.”

“We’re giving her some fluids and some morphine for the pain,” Elise replied.

Owen’s eyes went wide. This is what he had feared. “She has opioid use disorder. Please take her off the morphine,” he said.

“Sir, I understand that you are her medical power of attorney and have the right to make medical decisions for her, but I don’t think you understand the kind of pain she is in,” Elise said, and Owen felt like he was probably going to start throwing things if she continued to speak in such a patronizing manner. “Her injuries caused her to lose consciousness at the scene, and she’d wake up in quite a lot of pain if we took her off her pain meds. It’s not good for a person’s body to be stressed like that when it’s trying to recover. I know it probably seems like a bad idea to give opioids to a person with an addiction, but it is in line with protocol to use necessary means to control a patient’s severe acute pain.”

Owen was seething. “I am a trauma surgeon. I am the chief of trauma surgery at Grey-Sloan. I have triaged and treated soldiers with multiple gunshot wounds and shrapnel all up and down their bodies when I was deployed in the army. I think I understand severe pain, ma’am,” Owen bit out. If the situation weren’t so serious he would’ve laughed. His quiet, even, steely tone exactly mirrored the one Amelia took when she was pissed beyond reason. She would’ve made fun of him for it if she could hear him right now.

As Elise sputtered for something to say in response, Owen continued to speak. “I know that it’ll hurt like hell when she wakes up. She’s dealt with pain like that before. She recovered from brain surgery without any opioid painkillers. She can do it. However, the pain of relapsing is something that utterly broke her the last time it happened. I wasn’t even there to see it, but I know that she can’t deal with that again. So I’m telling you, as her medical power of attorney, that you need to disconnect the morphine drip from her IV immediately.”

Elise barely managed to squeak out a “Yes sir,” before disconnecting the drip and hastily retreating from the room, leaving Owen alone at Amelia’s bedside. Now that he was alone with his thoughts, the emotions were starting to hit hard. He was relieved that the injuries weren’t life-threatening. He was angry that he hadn’t been there earlier to stop them from administering the morphine in the first place. He was concerned about what Amelia would think and feel when she knew that she had been given an opioid drug. He was hopeful that she wouldn’t wake up for a while. Perhaps it would be a little easier if she wasn’t awake to consciously experience the effects of the drug.

15 minutes later

Owen whirled to face Amelia when he saw some movement out of the corner of his eye. Now that he was facing her, he could see that her eyes were starting to flutter open. He let out a heavy sigh. The morphine wouldn’t have worn off yet, so Amelia was going to be awake for the high. He didn’t have time to think much more because her eyes were open now and she was staring confusedly at him. “What happened,” she asked as she began to glance around the room. “Where am I?”

“We’re at Seattle Pres,” he replied, reaching out to take her hand as he spoke. “You were in a car accident. You have a broken arm, some broken ribs, one of your lungs collapsed, and you have a bunch of bumps and bruises, but you’re going to be just fine.” As Owen spoke, he saw Amelia’s eyes begin to widen, and then tears started to form. She knew. She could feel it. As he watched the tears spill from the corners of her eyes, he wanted to cry and throw things and curse the awful universe that put her in this situation. “Owen, what did they give me?” she choked out.

“Amelia, I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I got here as soon as I could, but when I got here they had already started a morphine drip. I told them to take it out as soon as I got here, but that was only about 15 minutes ago.”

At Owen’s words Amelia lost what little composure she had been holding onto. “Owen, no,” she cried as her body shook with the force of her sobs. Owen was moving before he even consciously thought about it. He climbed up onto the small hospital bed, sprawled out next to her, wrapped his arms around her shoulders, and pulled her face to rest against his chest. Her body went limp in his arms as she continued to sob. They stayed there like that as the minutes ticked by until her tears had soaked through his shirt and her body was completely exhausted from crying. “I don’t know if I can do this Owen,” she whispered, looking up at him as she wiped the tears from her eyes.

“You absolutely can do this,” Owen replied as he reached down to cup her chin. “Look, I’m not going to tell you this will be easy or that you won’t have cravings because those things would almost certainly be lies. But here’s what I will tell you: I promise to be here through it all. I will come over and stay up with you any night when you can’t sleep. You can call me anytime you’re having a craving and you feel like you can’t get past it. I’ll be there anytime, anywhere. I will go to meetings with you if you want. If you want me to drop you off at a meeting and wait for you outside, I’ll do it. I’ll do anything you need me to do to help you through this. You’ve beat this before and you’ll beat it again. You are the strongest person I know, and I am certain you will get through this.”

As Owen stopped speaking and took a breath, Amelia was in tears all over again. Why was her ex-husband offering to do all of this for her? She hadn’t been all that surprised that he’d shown up in the hospital when he found out that she’d been seriously injured, but the idea he just proposed to her went far beyond that. He was offering months of endless support at any hour of the day in the times when she was at her lowest. Though the universe seemed to have a knack for dealing her every possible bad hand, she felt like she had finally gotten a good one when it came to Owen Hunt.

One week later

“Owen, I’m having a rough time,” Amelia whispered into her phone as she lie awake in her bed.

“Do you want me to come over?” he asked, already moving to put his shoes on.

“No, I don’t need you to come here,” she replied. “Can you just talk me through it for a little while?”

“Of course,” Owen smiled into his phone. An hour later, Amelia was barely able to summon the energy to toss her phone onto the nightstand before rolling over and falling asleep, lulled to sleep by the easy conversation with her best friend.

One month later

“Owen can you come over?” Owen was met with Amelia’s anxious tone when he answered the phone. She hadn’t even waited for him to say anything, she’d just started talking. He was out the door and on his way before the phone call ended.

The look of relief on Amelia’s face when Owen arrived at her door warmed his heart. “I’m sorry to drag you out here,” she said, diverting her gaze to the floor. “I just thought I’d be less tempted if there was someone sitting here with me who would know if I left to go score some oxy.”

Owen put his hand under her chin and lifted her face until her eyes met his. “Don’t apologize,” he said. “I told you I wanted to be there for every moment when you needed someone. That includes now. Let’s go inside.” Amelia couldn’t help but smile a bit as she turned to go back into the house. Nights like these sucked, but it was really nice to have someone to push through it with her.

Four months later

“Go screw yourself Owen!” Amelia shouted, face red and fists shaking. “Or better yet, why don’t you go screw Carina? I’m sure she’s a bit more fun than your junky raging bitch of an ex-wife!”

“Amelia,” Owen began slowly and calmly, which only contributed to Amelia’s rage, “I know that you’re trying to piss me off right now so that I’ll leave so that you can go find a dealer and get high. But that’s not going to happen, so you might as well just give up on this little temper tantrum. I know this craving is the worst one you’ve had yet, but it is not going to be the one that causes your relapse. I’m staying here with you until you’re through it. You don’t get a choice in this.”

Amelia stared mutinously back at Owen, struggling to come up with something to say to him. At this point she was seriously considering slapping him. She couldn’t recall ever being this irate with him before, and that was saying something considering the number of angry shouting matches they’d had during their marriage. Amelia was drawn out of her thoughts as she was slung across Owen’s shoulder. “Owen Hunt, what the fuck?” Amelia screeched as she began to pound on Owen’s back with her fists. He didn’t seem to notice as he continued to carry her down the hall. “Put me down, you asshole!”

Owen ignored her fists and her yelling as he carried her through her bedroom, opened her closet door, turned on the light, and set her on her feet in the closet. “You have three minutes,” he said calmly. “I’m closing the door and you have three minutes to change into your pajamas. So help me, Amelia, if you’re not changed when I open this door I will change your clothes myself.”

“This is assault,” Amelia yelled incredulously.

“Three minutes,” Owen repeated before firmly closing the door.

When Owen opened the door again, a red-faced Amelia stood on the other side in her flannel pants and t shirt. Owen internally took a moment to be thankful that she didn’t test him on his threat. “Alright, go get in bed,” he sighed.

“I’m not a child,” Amelia seethed. “You can’t just carry me up the stairs, change my clothes, and send me to bed!”

“Get your ass in the bed or I will put you there myself,” Owen replied, eyebrows furrowing and jaw jutting out.

Amelia stared at him for a moment before stomping over to her side of the bed, throwing the covers back, and harshly bouncing down onto the mattress. If she weren’t in such a sorry state, Owen would’ve laughed. He never thought he’d see the day when Amelia Shepherd threw a full-blown tantrum.

Amelia’s eyes went wide as Owen walked to the other side of the bed, pulled the covers back, and slid into bed beside her. “Get the hell out of my bed!” Amelia shouted as she slapped at his chest.

Owen ignored her as he wrapped his arms around her shoulders. “When you’re really struggling, you lash out and push people away, it’s your coping mechanism,” he said. “You push away anyone who loves you, and then you go and punish yourself. I’m not letting you do that tonight. So I’m going to hold you and love you tonight, no matter how angry that makes you. You might as well get comfortable.”

Amelia’s jaw fell open. Never had anyone so bluntly called her out before. She didn’t bother to say anything in reply as she turned her back to him, but made no move to remove his arms from around her shoulders. As Amelia fell asleep, fuming and frustrated, a tiny little part of her thought that she was really glad he was here.

7 months later

Amelia walked up to the podium and looked out at the various people in the audience before locking eyes with Owen.

“I’m Amelia, and I’m an addict,” she began. “I am 1 year sober today. 365 days without any opioids. And the only reason I’m here today is because of the red-haired guy sitting in the back of the room, my ex-husband, Owen Hunt.

He was there 365 days ago when I got into a car accident and the nurses and doctors gave me morphine. He told me that day that he would do whatever I needed to help me through this, and he has done exactly that. He has held me while I’ve cried. He has listened to my fears, frustrations, and doubts. He has dragged me, sometimes literally kicking and screaming, through this grueling process, and I can never repay him for that. 365 days ago I thought that there was no way I’d make it to today. I am so lucky and so thankful to be here. Thank you, Owen, for all you’ve done to get me here.”

Amelia stepped away from the podium and immediately made her way to the back of the room to give Owen a big bear hug. As a tear slid down Owen’s cheek as he wrapped his arms around Amelia, he struggled to think of a time when he’d ever been this proud.

#omelia #omeliafic #omeliafanfic #amelia shepherd #owen hunt #grey's anatomy

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norman-reedus-gossip · 8 years ago

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– mod– I’ll add to the comments as usual. Anon: The DM ran photos of DK in the exact same outfit with the exact same shopping bags iSaturday – walking alone. Check it out. No way she wore the identical outfit and had the same bags yesterday. The story conveniently tags them as yesterday when it was known N was back in NYC. The “getaway” makes for a much better story than 2 friends hanging out like he’s done with several female friends in the past few weeks (Ira, Jarah, Liz) – and been photographed with them too. These pics were set up.

Anon: what is everyone talking about with norman and what did this DK woman do? i’m late and curious because i really don’t want to find a way to dislike norman

Anon: grooooooooossssssssssssss. well if the other rumours are true, she wants a baby w him.

Normansweetpie: I honestly am surprised about Norman and Diane. And to the person that said Norman is a horrible person, you’re wrong. Norman liked Diane and I believe that Norman can do whatever he wants to do with his life. If Norman wants to date Diane, that’s fine.

Anon: So he is w a disgusting famewhoere. completely changes the way i see him. bye bye norman, no longer your fan (and im a lesbian, so this isn’t butthurt shit here)

Anon: If this is true, I don’t want to go to WSC London now. I don’t feel like meeting him if he has been lying to us this whole time.

Anon: Norman has to address this. He’s getting so much hate. I hope he shuts it down. Please Norman say it’s not true.

Anon: I can’t believe he lied to us. If this really is true, then everything he says is bullshit.

Anon: Mod, I am at a loss how this whole narrative in the NR fandom went from “DK is vile, they’re not friends ” to “DK is vile they’re definitely not dating cuz NR is sweet and great” to “They’re dating! They’re both vile!”…. Like, where is this coming from? Norman’s own fans would rather believe he’s some sort of vile scumbag than the alternative that maybe, just maybe 1) NR and DK are both decent people? And 2) none of us knows the private details of when/how they got together?

Anon: Mod in your opinion do you think he would have done that? He did things that made us believe he was single so do you think he was really lying to us the whole time? I want to cry if he was. I thought he was different. Do you think there’s a chance that he is just friends with her?

Anon: Just friends my ass. They’ve been together off and on for over a year. Time for fans to take off the delusional glasses and accept it. He’s a good ACTOR, isn’t he?

Anon: II thought that if this happened I would feel angry and sad and disappointed. But I feel relaxed and calm and I wish Norman finally have found the woman that will stay with him till the end. I feel really happy for him.

Anon: I hope that Norman realizes that Diane probably called the paparazzi and set that whole thing up so they would finally be outed as a couple. She is a real piece of work.

Anon: A few choice words like unwise, irresponsible, childish, selfish, asinine, and dishonest, as well as many more like them are all coming to mind right now.

Anon: I know it’s his life but I think he needs to say or do something for his fans now. Just like when he shut down the EK rumor. Btw, TMZ also reported that as official too, if I recall and that was never true either. Please say something about the truth of this, Norman

Anon: In the midst of this DK stuff, someone on Facebook who works at LaGuardia airport says she talked to Norman at work today. Do you know if he’s heading somewhere?

Anon: What had Diane done and why does everyone hate her?

Anon: I am an extremely disappointed… I was gonna say fan, but I can no longer even bring myself to write that much less say it. What an effing nightmare. Seriously, I’m not sure if Norman could make a more foolish decision.

Anon: I want to be clear this is not a DK hate (or even dislike) post. I have to say I find it a bit ironic of NR fans blaming the trash mags for NR not being able to “live his personal life”. If I’m not mistaken didn’t the pap pics originate in daily mail? Doesn’t DK and her people have a deal with them and they set up pics all the time? So I’m assuming DK or both of them are courting this attention, yes? I think we need PR wife again, lol.

Anon: Ok wait, it doesn’t have to mean they are together. She could have been hanging with him like he does with a lot of his female friends. And I stil think the pics are only one day. Not a “weekend getaway” I really hope he says something now, though. This back and forth is too much. I pray it’s friendship and nothing more because I don’t want to have to stop supporting him. Say something Norman.

Anon:  I cannot think of a single nice thing to say about Norman right now and I’m not sure I will ever be able to again. Anon: Dont you think that this is kinda ridicilous , this whole dk / nr is going on since 2015 , if they were together , they would already admit that and dont forget joshua and diane broke up a long time ago , so nr and her had a long time chance to admit it 🙄(sorry my english is not very good )  

Susa206: Everybody should calm down! In my opinion it´s obviously, that they are a couple. I think we don´t have the right to judge about his or her life! Nobody knows what really happened between DK and her former boyfriend….. I never liked her … but the most important thing, is that he is happy…. and we have to accept his choice…. ( sorry again for my bad english)

Anon: So are we to believe they have been so careful to not be seen out together in more than a year and now they are caught in his parking garage? Set up

Anon: she is just so unlikeable. ive read her interviews and seen her interviews. she is not likeable. this is bad new for his brand, but its his life. i know i won’t tune into anything he does if she is accompanying him or being mentioned. i know celebs are humans, but i also consider them brands that i choose to consume. ive no interest in using my money & attention to help her brand, and won’t consume anything she is attached to. sorry normski, not interested if you come w her as an add on

Anon: But hold on remember when he was photographed with Elsa Hosk? and they aren’t together. I know because of DK, it’s strange but I don’t think it proves it yet. Until Norman comes out and says it.

Anon: Mod , i would like to help you a bit. I also dont believe that they are together , in fact i do believe Diane might have a crush on Norman (who not) and im sure Norman knows that , but it seems he is enjoying his single life and told her that , and still wants to hang out as friends with her , because why not? Maybe they were out having dinner , maybe he or she made dinner at their homes! 😊( just what i think about the whole dk/n thing)

Anon: this norman stuff with TMZ, is utter bullshit. they are probably just friends and so what if they are dating, they should be happy that they are happy.

Anon: Mod , it seems you doubt about if they are friends or not ….

Anon: Mod, do you think they really are together or do you think the friends theory is possible? I just want to cry if it’s true. It’s not that he’s with someone but that it could be her! I hate her. She is nothing like him she is so full of herself and now he looks like a cheater and a liar. I didn’t think he was anything like that but now he looks like such a fake person. Not who he said he was to his fans. I’m so sad. What do you think Mod??

Anon: If them unloading a car together is the smoking gun on their relationship… damn! I am in a relationship with a bunch of cab drivers! Dammit… and here I am thinking I’m single!  

Rebellacycle: I’m sorry I’m laughing at a lot of this this man can’t be any where near a woman or his female fan loose their shit “ oh he’s with her no ” if he is dating her at least she is close to his age if she slept with him I’d hi- five her good for you Diane 😂🤣💪🏹 let him live his life I don’t know her we really as fans don’t know the both of them it’s his and her business if they are dating or not what ever and I would love to be at his next convention to see if these “ fans ” ask him about it

Anon: Sorry!! I meant good luck to HIM. I want the man to be happt but she is just YUCK. My bad. You always rule. I’m going to drink whiskey til I puke this weekend. Why do I care? I have no clue but am just disappointed.

Anon: Can someone post the pics of DK that are supposedly from Saturday, please. Also, are those pics on tmz from yesterday or Thursday. I’m confused!

Anon: Sooooooo are they together or were they just carpooling to like Whole Foods and Best Buy or something?

Anon: I’m done with NR. Cannot support this disgraceful behaviour whatsoever. More to the point how can he be okay with a supposed partner calling the paps on them? Entire thing is a mess. he is not who he pretends he was.

Anon: NR and DK kept their relationship hidden this long because they knew people would never forget about how their relationship got started (cheating) and they knew if they went public they would be one of the most hated couples in Hollywood. I seriously want to throw up she is such a horrid human being. N has developed really shit taste in women.

Anon: Here it goes. Seems like we finally got our proof and Norman and DK came out and made it public finally. They are together. You can’t tell me she’s just a friend cruising around with him and unloading his car. Not after all. I’m so disgusted, I almost vomited. I can’t believe Norman fell for this woman. I’m SO SO disappointed and disgusted! 😞

Anon: Those two horrible people deserve each other. And they deserve every ounce of hate that they get as long as they are together.

Anon: Isn’t there a simple way to clear it up? One or both of their reps will confirm or deny the rumors, right? NR had to do that with the EK thing. Plus I think isn’t DK going to LA for Oscar weekend stuff? If she gives any interviews I’m sure they’d ask about this, right?

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mechagalaxy · 8 years ago

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Roman Himmelhan - enemy of my enemy

The enemy of my enemy by Roman Himmelhan #50981

I had to smirk when my eyes caught that old sign next to the broken road through Badger’s canyon. ‘Proceed with caution’. How fitting. For the last twenty minutes, a feeling of wrongness was urging me. Well, even more than it had been there throughout the whole six months. Ever since we had made the agreement with those alien forces.

They came to us, asking for allies in their fight against the Unification forces. Of course they came to us; they knew we were always in for a fight. And, they had a very clear idea of where our home world, Tombstone was to find (see also inc*CLASSIFIED DATA* ). No-one likes the Unification, so we agreed to grab the chance to acquire some off-world equipment in exchange for organizing the attacks on locations named by the XEON forces. Unbeknownst to them, we were tracking every single move of their senior officers’ mechas. These guys were really trying to make some kind of friends with us, using the good old phrases about an enemy of an enemy being a friend…

Clearly, they weren’t used to life on Tombstone or they’d have known better. Anyways, while the first weeks went by with several secret hiding spots being obliterated and nothing much unusual happening, shortly after, we began to see erratic data from some XEON seniors. We still couldn’t quite name it, but things began to feel a little uncomfortably. And now, here at Vasha IV, it hit me personally.

After landfall, this should have been the usual search & destroy mission, finding some rabbit-holes where UFs were hiding. But we already started at the wrong coordinates. My techs couldn’t tell me what happened, the old Scully encountered major sensor blackouts that must have already happened in the background while we still had been in the air. So we had to meet our rdv point by crossing the land. As usual, we had the numbers of the Xeon forces, so we could decide how to split our forces throughout several missions and still be capable of delivering hell to the UFs. But about 20 minutes ago, my sensors started finding way more friendly blibs than should be. Badger’s canyon was the last thing that was standing between us and our first rendezvous point.

Vasha IV had been an old mining colony, but was abandoned long time ago as far as data went. Most of that data came from dubious sources, since our intel on the copper belt was scarce, to say the least. We had seen several places like this one, but Xeon never told us how they got to know about the location of those Unification forces. With that in mind, my Fext stepped out of the canyon to meet sunlight again. But not for long, since thick grey smoke was being emitted from several wrecks on the ground. We were just half a mile away from the thick of the fight. Seemed that our delay had made the Xeon forces meet our common enemy first.

“How convenient of you to finally join in…” my comm cracked to life, given me shivers. That voice. I… I knew it. I just couldn’t figure it out. Yet. While still racking my brains, I vexed Robert “hey, did you get that, too?” “Yeah, must be the senior in charge here. With those high fluctuations, you never know who you’re going to meet that day…” he replied. That didn’t make it easier, but I had to tell him “Well, I have the feeling that I know this guy. This… voice. It…”. While speaking the last words, it hit me, just as Robert came in again. “THE incident?”. Oh yeah, that must have been him. “Think so. You know what that means. Something is very, very wrong here…” I went on, but Rob assured me that he was well aware of the odd circumstances already. “Shoot first, ask later” was his clear command, given to all of our forces.

Concentrating on the scene in front of me again, I realized we had closed lines already. Firing a few volleys towards the UFs, I did set up my guys into the dagger formation to swiftly pierce through any resistance, which brought us ahead of the Xeon forces. Meeting our enemy at close range, the strange feeling hit me again. And the voice, too “So, you’re taking the left wing? Nice, that’ll give me time to finish the center. How convenient!”. Now I was assured about the origin of the voice. None of us had been sure if he had survived the whole mess, but I’ve been the only one to follow him all the way to the *CLASSIFIED DATA* Trying to find the trap here, I took a closer look at our enemy. The force looked unusual. That was garrison class, maybe. No off-world mechas, no assault class ones. Heck, even heavies were a rare sight. “Disengage! Now!” I ordered my guys when it finally struck me. They didn’t fire at us, their weapons were still aimed at the Xeon forces. Carl joined into the fray “Hey buddies, anyone else having extern comms trying to reach you?” I was puzzled “Well, the senior has been voicing me twice already…” “No,” Carl cut in “not Xeon, I mean another source”. I looked up, finally seeing that little blinking light. Driving the Fext since the incident, I still wasn’t used to it in all aspects. I loved my Dilophos, but of the original cockpit, nothing much had been left… “I see it, Carl, plus I told my guys to hold their fire. The UFs aren’t attacking us.” I told him while pressing a few buttons.

“This is Xeon forces, who’s there?” “Xeon? So it’s real? You turned your back on your galaxy? Well…” a grumbling voice came in, but I cut him short “We are defending our galaxy here. We will bring down any Unification forces we will find until our galaxy got rid of your evil for real!” “Do you see any UF here, son?” the reply must have come from the old battle-scarred Krampus mecha that now turned into my direction. “This is Vasha IV’s defenders. We are miners!” The mechas might fit that picture he was giving, but the numbers? “For simple miners, you have quite some impressive forces here.” I told him, just to hear a rasping sound. I guess that was a laugh through gritted teeth. “Son, you really have no clue about life in the copper belt, do you? Every pirate band that came here had to leave with a few less mecha than they came here in the first place… Ouch, that was a tight one… Speaking of getting shot to pieces… Will you guys just stand there or fight some scum from another galaxy at our side?” I had made sure the last message had been transmitted to our whole clan and was about to reply when Robert spoke. “Shoot first, ask later!” he yelled while giving the closest Xeon machine a full blast.

From there on, thing got messy. Being closest to the Xeon forces, we took some heavy beating when they realized that the sides had changed. “Allright guys, to me this is looking quite clear now. Haven’t figured it all out yet, but I guess they tried to trick on us. This planet looks to be full of Xeon forces, I guess they were trying to clear a home base for themselves. They are many, but we would be able to take on them. Give ‘em hell!” Robert’s voice boomed again. And so we did. Exchanging volley after volley with the off-worlders, it seemed we were gaining ground, when finally alarming news came to bear. Our right wing was faltering, even though there hadn’t been any Xeon forces in that region when we made landfall. Did the miners betray us, too? “Dragons! We have dragons inbound!” someone cried. I sighed. The tactical map got even more un-readable now. We had Xeon forces, our own blibs, and then those miners and now some new purple icons appeared on the map, too, marking positions for the new bunch of guys joining the fray. I ordered my guys to fall back towards the position of the miners to concentrate our forces while waiting what the new arrived Dragons would be able to do against the Xeon forces. We were exhausted, already and could do with some relief.

But instead, we had more casualties with every passing second. The dragons were clearly aiming for us, lending a hand to the Xeon forces. “Ahhh, well, you didn’t believe you were the only ones we were talking to, did you? We found some other friends. Plus, they weren’t as expensive to acquire like you guys. How convenient!” That bastard was still alive. If I only knew which mecha he was sitting in. But then, I didn’t know if I could do anything about it, since my Fext was in a bad shape already. And I knew how hard it had been to face him in a straight-off-the-assembly-line Fext… the relay was still on, so Robert had heard it, too. Things were clear now and the purple icons turned blood red, becoming one with Xeon symbols. Looks like we were the good guys again. If we lived to tell about it. “Son, you won’t make it back to your ships. But you could hop onto ours. They have already been prepared when we saw the Xeon forces approaching our citadel. It won’t be easy, but it’s your only chance. Help us make it there and get a ticket, too! McKenzie out.” With that, the lines of the miners shifted and retreated towards the spaceport, or better said, to what was left of it. The Krampus gave some excellent fire to score a few headshots on Xeon forces, but it was clear that without our help, they wouldn’t make it. Nor would we without them. Between a rock and a hard place, the decision was easy and we used overlapping fire to retreat our lines, too. Following the miners, it was clear what the Xeon and Dragon forces would be up to if they reached the port as well. Sitting there like some fat ducks were the ships.

“Rob, pack your sack! I’ll chill those lizards a bit here” Josh leBlanc came in. The old veteran, famous once for his over-extensive use of Frigis mechas in his lines, had added several Boreas lately. “No one gets left behind!” Robert replied. “Don’t see it that way, I’ll just take the next flight… Sir, it’s simple. Either we’ll all go down here or I’ll take my chance and see if I can save some of your lazy asses…” The conversation went on for a while, but that was the last thing that I remembered hearing from him. I was busy keeping my part of the herd together and due to Josh’s sacrifice, most of us finally made it off the planet. Looks like Xeon has a home base in our galaxy now and isn’t shy of allies, too. Taking them out seems to be a task too big for us alone. Time to tell what’s going on, time to defend our galaxy against Xeon.

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leighasnotebook · 8 years ago

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Title - Hey Future Leigha ;P

So.. I'm broke as fuck. I can't even seem to get a job. A job at a place I dont even like but need. I barely even made it home from internship at the humane society in Indy. I am on BELOW empty. I tried to sell a galaxy s4 at disc replay to get me by and they wouldnt even take it because apparently theres something wrong with it. So that was dissappointing as fuck too. I've been forced to borrow money from my mom who I STILL live with. So apparently I dont even have the abilty to be independent right now. Sure Im in school but I cant even afford to put gas in my tank to get there and I still owe 1000 dollars or more to my school. I dont even know where Ill work after I get my certificate. Thats right.. CERTIFICATE.. not a actual degree. Still. I stupidly decided to get a credit card a few years ago and now I'm maxed out and cant afford to pay it off. I at least have gotten on a payment plan that will make the interest 0% and make my monthly payment lower. My phones fucked because I broke the goddamn screen on it. So no one can even call me unless its on the house phone and I'm not home all the time AND its a cordless that apparently has fucked batteries in it because it just shuts off after like 10 - 15 minutes. I shouldve never even gotten a stupid "smart" phone. All its done is make me feel guilty about the extra money my MOM is spending for it on the bill. And it is way more fragile than a flip phone. Sure the extra shit on it was fun but I dont even need it. I dont care if Im "stuck" in the old times. At least it was reliable. I have grown up in my life with a nice place to live and nice things but that just isnt me. I know when I live on my own I wont live in a nice place and I wont have nice things. Its as if Ive been blindfolded to my actual lifestyle to the point where I agreed to getting nice things. Things Id never be able to afford by myself. After my car got totaled I got a 12k settlement which I had my dad take care of because he wanted to take it to use to get me a new car. Well he decided to get me a fucking expensive newer car.. the accident happened oct. 1st 2013.. I ended up driving a rape van (huge burgendy van with bars on the windows) to and from Ivy Tech and work for about half a year or more before my dad decided to take out a loan for a Toyota Camry 2013! Why on earth would you opt to get me a expensive car like that when I cant even afford gas or live on my own!? Now Im fucked because I cant pay the car payment.. my dads paying it which makes him think for some reason that its his vehicle. No on the contrary it was his decision to spring for a newer car of which I am entitled to 12k of. so yeah now I have a investment in something I cant even use because the insurance is insanely high and I cant afford it. Sigh Im just so fed up with all of this bullshit. If I could sell everything I have right now and just start new, that would be ideal. Sell the fucking Toyota, use the money to pay off my credit card bill, pay off school and maybe have enough to secure a place for me and my dog to live. Because I am not a goddamn straight woman who has a boyfriend to pay for half of everything. I feel like alot of girls live with their boyfriends and get off easy. Well thats not an option for me is all Im saying. I can barely even find a lesbian whos responsible and even has enough income to hold up their half of living expenses.. I cant say shit about that right now since Im in the same boat but still. Even when I do (which I usually do) have all my resources I still cant find a responsible GF. Either way Id still be dependant on whoever I was living with to keep my place. Even if they were a roommate. Which I guess would be the same financially if it were a significant other providing half. anyway.. Ive been trying goddamn hard to get a job. I signed up for Rover.com to watch dogs or walk dogs for people but IDK if my background check came back clean. which it should because I spent extra money so that it would be. Beyond all.. I am seriously just fed the fuck up with trying to manage all of the bullshit that I have to. It feels like I need 3 of me to accomplish all the shit in front of me. I am overwhelmed I guess is what that means. I feel so useless in the world. The only thing keeping me from spiraling into a severe depression is the fact that Im going to school for something that I love doing. Knowing that in a month and a half Ill be graduating is whats keeping my head up. Other than that.. its my friends and animals that hold up the rest. Some days I for real just want to get drunk and say.. FUCK IT ALLLLL. which is kind of what im doing right now.. but guess what? my box of cheap ass wine is almost gone so this will be a short lived release until im fucked again.. and cant even go to a party I was invited to go to on sunday. Im writing very unhinged right now. I need a goddamn stupid dumb job. And Ive been trying to get one for months. Now its even harder without a cellphone. "hey yeah just call my house phone and let me know about that job" just doesnt jive well with me because ITS A FUCKING HOUSE PHONE.. better than nothing but its real fucked trying to get a job when you cant answer your phone bc you dont have one of your own. gaaaahahahahaha fuckckkckck Im just so fucking stressed. I feel like I cant accomplish anything with the materials I have right now. Even if I had some money.. Got a full tank of gas and paid off my monthly bills I still wouldnt just magically have a job. Even if I got my phone screen replaced. Goddamn and Ive tried going into places but apparently Im a dumbass and come at the wrong times. Sigh.. just. fucking. schedule. me. for. a. interview. its not that hard. Theyre like "oh yeah were hiring" but other than saying that sentence they are so fucking unhelpful. "oh did you apply online?" uhh duh yeah I did you fuck. Why in the fuck would I not fill out an application and expect an interview. Fuckin assholes.. like I get it.. youre busy. but hey you wanna know what would ease that? If I was working right now and could take some of the work load off. Everytime someone would call about a job I would be so informative and supportive because I know what its like. Plus if I ever feel like Im overworked- which is alot of the time at those quick turnover jobs- I WANT the person inquiring about a job to get the job. Why? because I need them to take some of my workload off. Thats how it happens at pizza hut at least. you start with a bunch of people and then they dwindle down to where everyone is being over worked and more workers are needed as to not kill everyone who still works there. sigh.. I dont even want to work at pizza hut again but at this point I will take any fucking job I can get. I am being nickeled and dimed.. just like that fucking book I had to read in school. Given, all of it was brought upon my by my own past hand. I cant do anything about the past and its legit my past self just going crazy on a credit card that has me so fucked right now. After I get these cards paid off I will NEVER EVER EVER have another credit card again. I cannot be trusted with it. Great that I know that now that Im in debt out my ass. Yeah yeah and I have this theory that I learn things in life by trial error.. and guess what.. IVE FUCKING LEARNED.. and now that I have im still super fucked. Usually my trial error didnt cause me this much detrimental pain and suffering. usually it was like touching a hot stove and it was over with. but no.. this has been a very slow stinging burn that wont let up. I know.. I know that I will have to kill myself working my ass off and not having any shred of a life to get out of this hole. but the thought of it just really really makes me sad. Not saying It makes me not want to get a job. because NO WAY I need a job ASAP like yesterday. like if someone walked up and would pay me 20 dollars to eat a worm I would. Because it would spare me the shame in asking my mom YET AGAIN for gas money. God I am so tired of asking anyone for ANYTHING. Its the last thing I want to do in fact. Theres only so much you can ask of someone before they decide they wanna say nope.. youre on your own. and you know? Im surprised my mom hasnt told me no yet. Shes really really helpful. I think she understands me but also just wants me to get a job already so I wont keep borrowing from her. Which is understandable completely.. and thats exactly what I want too. At least i dont just sit around getting drunk and stoned all day in my pajamas. Im actually trying here. Theres nothing more that I want to just have a steady income. I dont care what kind of shit I have to drudge through to get to that point. I am so able bodied and ready to sweat and work and give myself away to a corporation for money. But guess where Im going to get the gas money to get to that job? FUCK IF I KNOW lol. goddamnit. I have really done it this time. How did I let it get this bad? How did I let myself fall so far? I dont even have anything else to sell to disc replay and the only other things I have to sell are all my paintball equiptment.. and I dont even really know how I would go about doing that. Craigslist? idk. I am flailing..... my wings are clipped and i cant fly. I have maybe a few dollars in change right now. Man how I used to just throw it in a jar willy nilly when I had a job. Not touching it at all for months and months. and now its all I have. FUCK. my rope is covered in kerosine and its been on fire for months. Someone in this world needs to cut me a fucking break and give me a job. Just 1 fucking person to say "you got the job, heres your uniform, come in monday at 8". I have been able to keep my hope through the worst of situations in my life. I feel it wearing reaaally thin right now. I almost had to walk miles just to get home today. you know its bad when you cant even afford to drive home. When youre just waiting for your car to give out and its screaming "i need gas!!!" You actually make it home and you get out of the car and hug it and praise it. Thank you. Thank you so much for holding out on me. I will get you gas as soon as I can I promise. Its like if you were traveling by horse and didnt have any water or grains for it to sustain itself but it powers through for you. I feel like a huge bum slacker bitch. Like I shouldve worked harder. done this done that. And maybe I wouldnt have ended up in this tight situation. The only thing in this world that is mine is my body and my animals and the relationships I have with my friends. I'm going to call Pizza hut right now. Ive been trying to fucking get this interview scheduled and they keep being little bitches over the phone. Not this time. I wont let it happen. "oh were in a lunch rush" dude. no. Fuck off. lol. Not this time. BRB. ya okay same old shit.. OH the hiring manager isnt here. Okay I understand but why dont you ACTUALLY give them my name and number and HAVE them call me. I know I know I will call the HIRING MANAGER on monday. See? its just a let down. I will call monday and demand an interview. I am more than qualified for your dumb job. anyway.. I know my friends and family will always be around to help me out. But I am a very stubborn person and have always wanted to do things my way and on my own. asking for help is something that I hold as a last resort. In the situation im in I am at my last resort time. It takes money to make money. money for the gas- to go to work- to get the money- for the gas- to get to work. Thats a 2 week process in itself. once I get past that threshold Ill be more self-sustaining. GGaaah! Please.. UNIVERSE! Im begging you!! Give me a job! Please please please please please! I need to get back ontop of it all. Hold out hope... hold out hope... crunching gears inside me trying to keep that train moving. GO. keep the rusty gears going. Keep swimming like Dory says. I feel like im trying to keep swimming but im in a puddle barely sustaining life itself. Gasps of water into my drying gills every couple seconds. All the while "hold out hope, just keep swimming" goes through my head like a mantra. I go from being super hopeful and positive to super hopeless and negative. Sometimes I'm just on this mid-line pergatory where I dont know how to feel or how I should feel. I know that a lot of people deal with hardships like me. Usually just pushing all their feelings down day to day thinking.. eh ill figure it out. Somethings got to give in for me. things will be different and get better soon. This isnt the end of the world. Im not dieing.. yet. But there are times where no matter what your troubles.. you cannot just push it down anymore. You have to sit there and stare into the eyes of a skull and think.. things are going bad. This isnt how it should be. I shouldnt feel like this. Something is wrong in this equation because its not equaling out right. So here I sit. In my familiar place where Ive faced a lot of things in life. In the garage. (wow a disc replay commercial just came on the radio.. how ironic... fuck u guyz lol). Ive dealt with sooo much in this garage. Most of my epiphanies have happened in here. Most of my hardships. At least in my adult life. And when I wasnt in Terre Haute. Always staring at stuff in here. Listening to the radio. Smoking cigarettes. Drinking. Thinking. [insert link to In The Garage by Weezer here] I cant even explain the range of feelings Ive felt in this garage. Love, lust, loss, depression, happiness, worry, anxiety, calmness, anger, thoughtfulness, perceptiveness, desire, turmoil, empathy, regret, sickness, healthiness, Ive felt hot and cold, bad and good, and at the end of the day when I sit here. It feels so familiar. It could be anywhere. but in this little box on the planet is where all these things have opened up like a bud. So many conversations with friends, on the phone, in person. Oh so very telling and depending on if there was snow, dead leaves, flowers, or sun outside the dynamic would change ever so slightly. And as friends have come and gone, people have died or were born, this has been a constant place for me for the last eight years. After I caught a big fish, built a snow fort, or made a drunken dancing video to missy elliot this place stayed the same and was always here. I feel like im confessing a love affair between me and my garage right now.. but I wanted to express my gratitude to these four walls which I believe have absorbed a lot of the things I am talking about right now. I remember when I first started to dwell in this garage. I was still drinking and smoking on the down-low. Didnt want my mom to know. I would listen to the radio and write just like Im doing now except it was often in a notebook. Its the only way for me gain solace in my life sometimes. Love often drove me to worry as I listened to deftones, linkin park, or staind or anything that came on x-103. Id just scribble on page after page I would stop caring if it was legible... That shear fact that id stop caring in general was all I wanted. I wanted to release all my cares into a song or a feeling or a writing. What do I want? who do i need? who AM I ? Sometimes I never know. I dont know things alot. as much as Id like to believe I have every little thing under control.. I never have it all. this isnt to say that its a negative thing. Sometimes you simply cannot wrangle every little thing into a place you think it belongs. often things are flying like kites with brittle strings. they break off and float out of bounds yet still connected just not within reach. Its definitely angering at times. you think.. why cant i keep my shit in check? but if you think about it. maybe it was never "your shit". I really think its better to not stress over things that blow away. Youre in a spot you let shit fly and it ends up gaining its own separate current without you. You cant always be strong enough to keep everything where you want it. It doesnt work that way, you cant control everything. HELL sometimes you cant control anything. and I know how that feels. shit. right now I could still be walking on the side of the road away from my broken down car. holding up my thumb trying to get home. you cant hold everything down with a thumb tac or a bad attitude. things will happen and ya you probably could have avoided some things but I think things happen for a reason. Maybe to teach you that you in fact are not in control. That things are or arent just black and white. Reppercutions.. actions that lead to situations that you have to handle. Its all apart of one thing. you... its you. hah. I mean you make choices.. and theres always a second and third happening. In my case.. it makes me feel like im unintelligent when I make a choice and it causes something bad. Ex. If I were to have to walk home today.. my mind would have been full of .. "well thats because I didnt have enough gas" Well why didnt I? because I didnt have the money. Why didnt I? because I dont have a job. Why dont I have a job? because Im an irresponsible entitled person. I act like the world will bend to my whim when it doesnt work that way. When weve all got the same probability of things going our way. Why should I think I'm any different? why? because of all those times I made it home when my gas tank was below E? what about those times when I didnt get so lucky? that time my car stopped on a highway and I was late to work and I got fired? Its just this numbers game in my head. Will it be okay or not. I never know but my brain urges me to believe yes. youll be okay. and when im not i think well.. It was about a 50/50 that this would happen and I knew that deep down.. so I cant really be too mad right? lets just walk a few miles and get what i deserve. meanwhile I think about everything I could have done that wouldve lead to a different outcome. ya hmm. maybe if i had a job.. id have gas in my tank.. and this wouldnt have happened. maybe..hmm just maybe..? You know when you drive down a highway and you see a person walking it? You can gaurantee that that person is thinking... how could I have avoided this? That person is me that person is you. Walking on the grass on the side of the road.. looking at all the trash people discard from their car windows. Really slows your mind down when youre walking where you normally drive through. You see people zoom by who will get to their destinations on time. Who had the money and intellect to just buy some gas. We all have our days when were in the gutter. When I have mine, it forces me to slow down.. to really look at my life. Why did this happen.... why am I stuck and fucked like this again. Even though I magically made it home today on my below E tank I still see this as a wake-up call. It brings me back to the times when I didnt make it home. I felt like a lost dog. and ya I know.. poor me.. first world problems. Oh man Leigha had to walk 5 miles to get home because she ran out of gas in the automobile that she has available for her to drive 24-7 usually. And dangg. she even had a full meal before this walk.. poor her. I know I know. Its totally crap. Its not like I almost died or was starving and in a desert left to die. In reality, on this planet I am lucky. I am a lucky person. But to say that we still dont have our problems would be to say that anyone with a roof over their head was flawless. It makes me realize that yeah, first world problems are nothing to those in third world countries. But I shouldnt feel invalidated if I have room to improve my life. Everyone in this world has room to improve their lives. I am not solitary in this one bit. in fact I feel like I am unaware of tons and tons of stuff in life. Theres so many times when I just simply dont know something. Makes me feel like I dont know anything about anything sometimes haha. its like "oh you didnt know about this?!?!" uhhh no I didnt. Should I have? Woops? am I squandering my priveledge to learn about things I should know about? When it comes down to it. I am never done learning. I am never done growing as a person. I am so ignorant to so many things simply because I have never been exposed to them. I cant walk the earth acting like I have a grasp on everything when I dont. I dont know what anyone else goes through day to day around the world.. I cant compare my life to anyone elses if I've only lived my own separate life. I can relate to people of course but I do not think that anyone can fully understand how something feels unless it happens to them. sure ill say "oh yeah Ive felt that before" or "I felt like that when... etc etc" but I dont know how it feels through someone elses eyes, in someone elses shoes. What Im trying to say is that I have had some really really hard times. Personally I feel that they are HARD TIMES. For me and maybe me only. Maybe others would look at these "hard times" and laugh and say "HAHAH you think thats hard?". But that being said this is how I feel and it cannot be undermined by anyone. Beyond all these technicalities that I decided had to be stated, right now I feel as though I have entered the abyss. I feel like Im in a place that is neither here nor there. I am a real nowhere man who has no real nowhere plans. I used to want to get a tattoo that was the symbol for "nobody". It was a onyx or something I dont remember the spelling. For a long time I thought I was nobody. I thought I would just bend to the whim of anything or anyone. And at the time, I thought that was just me. Me was nobody since I felt like everybody but nobody at the same time. Then I thought.. hmm I dont think I should get this tattoo because what if someday I become somebody. And im glad that I didnt get that tattoo because I AM somebody. I guess there are sometimes that my past self is right about how my future self will feel. I feel like everyone is usually thinking about the future. How they will be, where they will live, what they'll be doing and who theyll be doing IT with (bow-chicka). And do you know what I think? I think that everyones present self is the best link to that future self. OBVIOUSLY. but think about it like this. You .. RIGHT NOW.. can have a serious effect on your future self. Not just with succeeding and blah blah blah boring shit like that. Listen. About 6 or 7 years ago I made a video of myself talking to my future self. I completely forgot about that video. I came across that video one day and HEY it was ME! I didnt remember it AT ALL. and as I watched it it really really felt like my past self was talking to me. it was SURREAL AS FUCK. and on point! Ever since that day I have been making videos to my future self. Even stating in the video that I know Im going to just be drunkenly watching this video. Which usually is also on point! hah. But I strongly suggest that more people do the same thing. maybe just check in with your future self every now and then and say hey. what the fuck is up?! I hope you arent broke as shit and running out of gas. haha. its actually pretty comical the stuff youll begin to find your past self saying to you. I think documenting your life is a really good thing. You can learn so much just by sifting through your past experiences that youve written down or video taped. Right now for instance I feel like I need some guidance. So I think I will revisit some of my past selfs videos and make another one. You talk about how youre doing and how youve fucked up and tell your future self about all of it. Then in a year or two guess whos giving you pointers? YOU! haha its really actually hilarious. who'd of thought that it would be what you said to yourself 2 years ago that would set your world straight. I think I should go revisit my videos now. I need some guidance. :D In other news. not doing so well right now. This writing has definitely helped. Leigha Horvath- Signing off. ;*

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