#i love writing dialogue and i never get to write Constantine this is enrichment for me

[paingoes]

(in the earth college AU where Paris has a complete psychotic break during his sophomore year and drops out of school and his nepo FBI internship so he can instead backpack w lorelai across eurasia for her travel vlog)

[iphone 8 with busted screen rings 5 times before he picks up]

paris: what

paris: if this is about the phone bill i already told you i would pay it

paris: also can you quit sending your fucking minions to spy on me you motherfuckers glow in the dark

constantine: It’s incredible to me that you’ll take any pill a junkie hands you without even stopping to read the label, but you somehow can’t manage to get your hands on any anti-psychotics.

paris: fuck off

constantine: No. Just how inflated is your sense of self importance that you seriously think I would waste resources watching you?

paris: THEN HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW IM IN LAOS

constantine: You were on the news.

paris: oh

paris: look did you need something

constantine: Do you remember Delta?

paris: yes i fucking remember delta what

paris: did he cure cancer

paris: did he solve cold fusion

paris: what is it what bullshit did he do that you  are going to lord over me this time im a fucking adult it doesnt work anymore

constantine: He is wanted for suspicion of terrorism.

paris:

paris: repeat that

constantine: Yes, he is wanted in connection to a left wing terror cell.

constantine: It’s not ambiguous either, off-record.

constantine: We’ve got him dead to rights.

paris: what the fuck

paris: you said wanted, though?

constantine: Yes. Whereabouts unknown.

constantine: I was wondering if he’d been in contact with you at all.

constantine: Or with the girl, more likely.

paris: “the girl” what like you dont know her fucking name  

paris: and what do you mean more likely

paris: kinda dont love what you’re implying 

constantine: What do you think I’m implying?

paris: no i havent heard from him since graduation and neither has lorry

constantine: He was over the house that summer.

paris: okay yeah i meant since then

paris: dude don’t fucking interrogate me over this shit, no, we’re not in touch

constantine: Did he ever say anything to you?

paris: my fucking god, what? no. i plead the fifth, what the fuck are you doing?

constantine: It was just a question. Why are you getting defensive?

paris: cause im not fucking stupid

paris: what did he even do

constantine: Cybercrime — and a lot less carefully than I would have expected from him. He left fingerprints all over the place.

paris: what the fuck

paris: …i mean thats kinda ballsy of him all things considered

constantine: Is it?

constantine: Is terrorism considered “ballsy” to you?

paris: haha i feel like i shouldnt answer that

paris: this call is definitely being recorded isnt it

constantine: All my calls are recorded.

paris: ok bye dad great hearing from you

constantine: And you owe me 3000 now, if you’re even keeping track.

[call ends]