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pseudowho · 2 months ago

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Hello once more, sorry for the inbox spam!!!

I wanted to give you an update on the 30 year old guy hitting on me (insane cause when he was my current age of 21, I was 12 years old, LIKE WHAAAT the heeeell). Context for memory: met him at an event I was volunteering at. He wasn’t in the volunteering event but stopped by to help, and stayed a while to chat. He got my social media and messaged me that evening. Very quickly off the bat he started flirting and taking EVERY chance he got to do so, ie when i said im more of a mountains than lakes person, he said, “it’s not gonna work then ;)” and a bunchhhh of other stuff i don’t remember. And when I told him that my “(possibly) my favorite person in the world is the only person I message consistently” he replied with, “Favorite? Damn, don’t know if I’ll get there, but I’ll try to be your second favorite.” And this was literally like a day into messaging. It was SO weird because I never thought somebody that much older would go for me AND he doesn’t even Know Me. (Even though two 33 year old men did try to pursue something with me when I was 19 years old). Like, 25 is the max age I’ll date being that I’m 21, and the brain stops developing at 25. I was strictly platonic and didn’t even flirt back/reply to those weird messages.

So the update: I think it was after your advice that I made it clear to him that I am 1. Not interested in a relationship with anyone, 2. I only feel safe around women because of past experiences with men. // So here’s where things get a bit stickier. He keeps saying that his number one value is empathy and that he learned he can trust his morals and values, and that he learned to not doubt himself. He keeps saying he wants to get close with me and see where “this connection goes” (in my head I’m thinking, what connection?). At this point, I told him my 3rd boundary: That I Am Not even Guaranteeing Friendship. I don’t trust guys, I have a very finicky social battery, and I told him that I have been left much more jaded than my naive, optimistic, overly caring 19 year old self after a string of incidents with straight guys that left me feeling confused and used (was used emotionally and also they wanted to use me physically, but I didn’t let the latter happen. These events are not even including the 33 year old guys incidents). So this 30 year old, I’ve been on and off messaging him to give him a CHANCE to be a FRIEND. Because he’s desperate and honestly I love making close friends IF they’re good people. But I noticed that whenever I mention (not trauma dump, mention), more sensitive things such as the consistent, TW, abuse and neglect I’ve faced for years, he goes radio silent for a day or few days. The only time he DOESN’T reply quickly is when it’s about sad stuff— the only other time I said anything sad was when I told him I was grieving my late kitten, and I Literally gave the gruesome, truly awful details of my 1 month old kitten passing due to leukemia (it was devastating. She was precious, amazing, resilient, kind, and wonderfully adaptive— ie her siblings would cry during socializing and she would WALK UP TO THEM AND LAY HER HEAD ON THEM. She would also go to Me instead of her Mama cat for food, as she was too weak to compete with her siblings (but she gave her BEST awesome efforts.) Despite her resilience and intelligence, she was too young and her immune system didn’t work. It’s devastating, and I’ve been processing it in healthy ways as months go on and on. She was wonderful, demonstrated kindness and she was a fighter, and she deserved a long life. Anyway, to this he responded with “😮” …LIKE. I WAS SO confused and a bit irritated at that reaction. He DID later say a few short words of sympathy but wtf was the “😮😮”…So a week or so later I thought about my lingering irritation, and now I’m MAD. He expects me to be empathetic towards him, and I am, but whenever I even BRIEFLY mention struggles beyond himself he won’t give it the proper care it deserves. Ie one time I mentioned women’s struggles with gross men and then I also talked a bit about men’s struggles being hard too, and he said, “I’m glad you acknowledge men’s struggles!” and it’s like yes I did but… the first and main point of this particular convo was women??? Are you so self absorbed and stuck in your head??? At least acknowledge women too? He preaches about empathy but doesn’t live up to it, or at the very least, doesn’t realize his own need to grow. So, I’m quite tired and irritated. All these guys have the same thing in common, and it’s that they see me as some sort of saint for them to be loved and validated by. They seek me to use me for their own benefit, but they do not CARE about ME, AND they think of themselves as top shit. I know they need love. I sympathize with them. Trust me. But they don’t see me for me, nor do they treat me well. I am no saint, though I want to be a good person, the best person I can be. They idealize me because I’m a friendly and curious and caring person, but they don’t treat me as a person.

I’m teetering on the edge of cutting him off. But I know he went through a breakup 2-3 months ago, and I personally believe he’s acting this desperately and strongly because he’s lonely. I sympathize with him and I wonder if I judge him too harshly… But the red flags are raised. A 30 year old going for a 21 year old??? Am I crazy to think that that’s weird as fuck?? I feel bad for him. I’m irritated. I’m tired and I need to put myself first, as I’ve already got a hard life to deal with before I can be stable and give more of me. At least, this is the thought process I currently have. Do you think so too? Did I miss anything or see something inaccurately— what do you think?

He’s the fourth guy who is significantly older than me (30+) to try and get in a relationship with me. It keeps happening. I don’t even go out much. I don’t even interact with guys much. It’s insane. Everytime I go out and interact with people and the world (like coworkers and meeting people when I volunteer), this happens. They all told me they love my care/empathy (which is, of course, a work in progress). I think my natural curiosity made them think i was interested in them, even though i never flirted with any of them or even thought about a romantic or sexual relationship with any of them!! I even told some of them from the start that I only like women!

Is this normal, do most guys do this?

Tough constructive criticism towards me always welcome.

And you don’t have to answer!! Ty for reading :)

- m <3

That's me, pushing you over the edge you were teetering on, r.e. your decision to cut him off.

There's nil else that needs to be said. You have suggested to him in many ways, without actually saying the words blatantly, that you are not interested. By continuing to pursue you despite your discomfort, going so far as to think this is a matter of simply convincing you, shows that he's not empathetic, and is in fact, absolutely in this for himself.

What women aged 30+ tend to find (anecdotally, on average, from discussions with my cohort) is that men who routinely target younger women for relationships/sex, do so for a number of reasons, none of them good, but some of them being: recognition of reduced confidence and therefore vulnerability in younger women, average lower standards of younger women due to life experience (not a crime at all!), and the mens' underdeveloped emotional maturity, and age fetishization.

It's all about Power.

"You're so mature for your age!" Yeah yeah-- 'for your age', but not for his age. Women his age are simply more likely to not tolerate his bullshit, and he's probably underdeveloped emotionally with bad habits that make him a bad partner.

If you're being routinely targeted by these men, which is, I must absolutely clarify, NOT YOUR FAULT, try to have a little self reflection; is there something about you aside from simply your age, that makes you seem more vulnerable to these men? Because your chances of ending up in a badly balanced age gap relationship are higher the more associated vulnerabilities you have.

My only criticism of you? Take this opportunity to strengthen your spine. Lash out hard, and if you are absolutely not interested in these men, make it brutally, savagely, immediately clear. Don't be wishy-washy. Give them absolutely zero soft answers because unfortunately with men like these, soft answers make them think they have a chance.

Stop being kind to people who try to manipulate you.

It's sad that being nasty is the only way, and they'll try to make you look like the bad guy ('oh I was just being friendly, you're safe around me'), but you're not, and you should give them the middle finger they deserve.

I guarantee that they will age but will continue to target women and girls your age. Our current 'daddy' and hyperfetishisation of age (especially for young women) culture, sadly, gives them support to do this.

That is, again, not your fault; doesn't it look so clear now that they don't have your best interest at heart?

While not all age gap relationships have a power imbalance, a great, great many do. Consistent targeting by fully adult men should be a massive red flag.

Again, in the job I'm in, I witness and examine a great great number of heterosexual relationships in intimate detail, and I assure you, big age gap relationships are amongst the most likely to leave the women (because it is almost invariably the woman being the younger one) on a significant back foot.

Brief reminder that women aged 30+ aren't 'jealous' that lots of men their age target barely adult women; we see them as the manipulators they are, and we want to protect you.

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

#pseudowho #pseudowho answers you #Haitch

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27-royal-teas · 1 year ago

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literally on my knees begging for the phoenix essay because it’s my all time fave fall out boy song and it makes me feel emotions on the shrimp spectrum

ok!! well!! ask and you shall receive, dear anon, your wish is my command :)) and because i love when people are excited about what i have to say and you are very nice <33 however, i will warn you, this is less of a structured essay and more of a massive infodump, so be warned !!

OK SO. THE PHOENIX. first off musically it's a fantastic song. and its actually scientifically proven that typically strings are used to increase musical tension and emotional tension so usually when you hear fast strings it means that they (the artist) want you to feel stressed, angry, or excited. We can apply this to the beginning of The Phoenix specifically because fob wants you to get hyped!!! It's their opening song for their newest album and for them, this shit is TERRIFYING. will you still want them or will you skip to another song? It's such a stark contrast to the first line of cork tree ("brothers and sisters, put this record down") because they want you to do the exact opposite of that. This is the one they want to use to hook you, to pull you in. Fall Out Boy is back, and this time they've brought even more intensity than before. They want to know: will you still be here? will you listen? these strings are not quite the old fall out boy, will you find them compelling and stick around?

andys drum work on this song is also INCREDIBLE. It's got this pounding, heavy beat. i constantly say that andy is the backbone of the band and i feel like that's more musically apparent in this song than anything. If i really want to scrounge for symbolism, I can say that by making andy's drumbeat stand out so much more in this song, the band is saying that they as a whole are more stable and reliable, just like their backbone. the drummer keeps the beat, the pace. they keep the band on track. together, the instruments (drum, strings, bass) bring the song together into a really rounded sound and it feels so FULL. there are some songs that are spiky, but this one is round all the way through.

and now that we're through with talking about the music itself, let's talk about the lyrics. i love the lyrics in this song so fucking much. it's so pete wentz and even more than that it's the most perfect song to open with. im gonna try to discuss every line and how it relates to the album and fall out boy's history at the time of release + they message they attempt to convey with this song and album. ive been wanting to make an essay on this for a while actually so thank you for giving me this ask as an opportunity to barf my stupid brain out onto tumblr

ok anyway let's start off with the first line-- "put on your war paint". this line is repeated twice: the very beginning and the very end. Why? because it's bold. this album is called save rock and roll. it is giving us a mission to accomplish from the very start. we are gearing up for a war. this is the image that is being painted of the entire album, and it starts from the very beginning- put on your war paint, prepare for battle. the first song is us (cough, the band, cough) preparing for the war as a whole. this is the intro, the gather, the plan. because we are saving rock and roll, through this album. this is the revival. we are bringing it home. this part musically is very strong and it feels like structure. we are showing here how much power and stability we have. also it makes me think of that one picture of pete putting on eyeliner

i am skipping the entire first verse for now but i will be back to it in a bit i promise! i want to talk about the chorus: “hey Youngblood/ doesn’t it feel/ like our time is running out/ im gonna change you like a remix/ then I’ll raise you like a phoenix”. we’re just going to go over the first half first because it’s kind of long. I think it’s in interesting choice, ‘Youngblood’. it kind of makes me think of mcr’s killjoys. it’s the motif, i guess— this haunting youth. ‘Youngblood’ addresses us ourselves, full of life and blood and rage. it again goes with the plot line of the album. the chorus has a paced feel, like running through a field at top speed. ‘like our time is running out’ references again the portion of ‘we were gone for so long, will you still listen?’ fall out boy’s limited time is nearly out here. they are fighting the clock. they are years older and more mature and they’ve GROWN. their time is running out and they are begging us to listen. and then my FAVORITE line, probably in this whole song. ‘I’m gonna change you like a remix, then I’ll raise you like a phoenix’. This entire album is a result of change. Folie a Deux was harshly criticized by the media and the fans because it was a change from fob’s norm. they were mocked mercilessly and basically TOLD TO CHANGE. now, here, they are back, they have made it through alive, and they are better than ever. basically, they have changed but on their own terms. you know how a phoenix is reborn through their ashes? They burn to a crisp when they’ve reached their limit and 100 years later are reborn as babies again. This is why the phoenix is such an important song to open with from the beginning of the album, as well as a fantastic metaphor for the band themselves— because it tells you from the start. Fall out boy is the same, but they have changed. They have grown. And they are better than ever, musically and mentally. This is also good symbolism for rising again even when defeated, which I’ll touch on again later

now, onto the second half of the chorus. The phoenix line is repeated, but preceding that is "wearing our vintage misery/ no, i think it looked a little better on me". fall out boy is kind of known as being part of the 'emo trinity' which, at the time of release, consisted of MCR, FOB and Panic! At The Disco. Personally id replace panic with paramore just because i dislike brendon urie strongly but thats just me. anyway, emo as a subculture in itself is incredibly emotional, and that's the point- emo is short for emotional. (feel free to correct me about any of this at any point of time btw, i am in no way an expert). a consistent trend was a lot of black clothing and the haircuts. i guess this isnt relevant. the relevant part was the emotion. fall out boy in 2009 was miserable. all the members were constantly at each other's throats, and eventually they just called it quits (everyone thought they would never come back, which is why the phoenix metaphor works here). by saying 'wearing our vintage misery' they are saying that they are bringing back that sort of emo-emotional aspect back into their new music, their trademark depressing lyrics, but it's improved. it's a better look on them now because they are doing so much better mentally than they were doing before.

let's backtrack a step to discuss the prechorus: "so we can take the world back from a heart attack/ one maniac at a time we will take it back/ you know time crawls on when you're waiting for the song to start so dance alone to the beat of your heart". pete fucking went OFF in this entire song but this section specifically. musically, the prechorus slows it down. it gives the song tension before exploding into the chorus. the first half of the prechorus again brings up the image of SAVE ROCK AND ROLL. i cant exactly recall what horrific events happened in 2013 to give the world a metaphorical heart attack, because i was very young and stupid and unaware of a lot, but i love the word choice here. one MANIAC at a time we will take it back. we are uniting the beaten, the broken and the damned. pretty much all the big names in emo have made their alliances clear: we take in the ones you don't want. they are the hufflepuffs of music. we will take your maniacs, we will take your people. we will build an army of the ones no one loves and we will take back our world together. possibly im interpreting this wrong but. i just think that's a really lovely image.

(also, pete has a motif in his songs-- mania. theres the entire album, for one, but this, as well.)

"time crawls on when youre waiting for the song to start so dance alone to the beat of your heart" is less obviously clear about rebellion and taking back change but it still is incredibly strong about this nonetheless. you can't sit and wait around for change. you can't expect the good things to come to you immediately, that isn't how the world works. when no one is there to lead you, to guide you, you're gonna have to do it yourself. your heart is steady and it knows the way. trust it. dance alone to the beat of your heart.

ok so now im going back to the first verse. sorry for skipping around the song so much. "you are a brick tied to me that's dragging me down/ strike a match and i'll burn you to the ground" i feel like honestly this line is kind of obvious- someone is holding him (pete) back. i'm not going to outright say it was about ashlee (his current ex-wife) because pete never explicitly confirmed it but it definitely seems super likely judging by the time this was written (pete and ashlee divorced in 2011, which was two years before this song was released).

at this point in writing this essay brain barf my thoughts have become a little dead so im looking at lyricgenius to see what they're saying and it is. so not helpful. like bro pls. add some context to WHY these lyrics are arranged this way. but never mind that FOCUS ON THE WRITING TOBY FUCK

ANYWAY. the next line in this verse is "we are the jack o' lanterns in july, setting fire to the sky/ here, here comes with this rising tide, so come on/ put on your war paint". another theme constantly in Pete Wentz Lyrics is summer. i am drawing the connection here specifically from this song and fourth of july. and there it is again! put on your war paint!

fun fact: the story of the jack o lantern apparently is that some guy named jack made a bargain with satan and was doomed to wander the earth with only the company of a hollowed out turnip. again-- the wanderers. we bring in the wanderers, we take them as our own. we are the light in the darkness. we will set the world ablaze. so come on! get ready for war! we will roll in with the tide, and like a tide, we will destroy if we have to, not because we want to, but because it is in our nature.

final line in the verse: "cross walks and crossed hearts and hope to die/ silver clouds with grey lining". these are two popular phrases that have been altered in minor ways that make a huge difference. ive noticed pete tends to do that often. here hes changed 'cross my heart and hope to die' and 'every cloud has a silver lining'. this change is super important because it flips the themes of the two phrases (The Truth Has Been Spoken and There Is Always a Positive, respectively) and it darkens it. what is the correlation between cross walks and hoping to die? the cars. and by saying 'silver clouds with grey lining' he is flipping the saying to read as 'even though something seems light, there is always a dark side... kind of like a yin yang. which makes me think of the current logo, the smiley-frown. it's always about balance and it's always about an even distribution. but that is irrelevant.

and let's have a chat about the second verse: "bring home the boys in scraps/ scrap metal the tanks/ get hitched, make a career out of robbing banks/ because the world is just a teller and we are wearing black masks/ 'you broke our spirit' says the note we pass". this is the most important verse in the song, because this is where the entire theme shows the best. i think from the very start we can make two connections just reading this here, and i bet i can guess what you thought from the start. I bet you saw 'bring home the boys in scraps' and thought oh, toby is totally going to connect that to their motif about 'bring together the unwanted.' and i bet you saw 'we are wearing black masks' and thought ah, toby will definitely relate that to the first line in novocaine. and yeah, you're right. you know me too well, i am a predictable guy. because i 100% will. we KNOW fall out boy. the best example i can use to argue my first point off the top of my head is that they were initially marketed to teenage girls. they were a pop band. i mean, no one can really call them pop now (god, i miss music from the 2000s) but, yeah. no one in the rock or punk scene wanted teenage girls to like their music (because clearly teenage girls were so uncool or whatever) so fall out boy marketed themselves to them. they took in the fans no one wanted.

also, a bank teller is the person who handles customer cash, which is something i did not know until about twenty minutes ago. in the case of a bank robbery, the robber would pass the bank teller a note so that there would be less of a scene. these kind of robberies are called 'note jobs'. so by saying "make a career out of robbing banks/ because the world is just a teller and we are wearing black masks/ 'you broke our spirit' says the note we pass" essentially the band is using a bank robbery as a metaphor for taking back the world and the injustice that has been served to them, as the youth youngbloods. we are trying to take it back as peacefully as possible, but we are still the ones on the side with the gun. the 'note we pass' is the robbery note. lyricgenius was absolutely shit it did not help me with this i feel very proud that i connected all the dots by myself but maybe i am just an idiot and this is already common knowledge.

we are almost done- this has gotten long, a lot longer than i thought it was going to be. hope that's okay. anyway we just have to go over the bridge and then i'll summarize the song as a whole: "the war is won before it's begun/ release the doves, surrender love". this repeats five times. the war is won before it's begun. this is connected to the second part- release the doves, surrender love- because the band doesn't really WANT to fight. they don't want to HAVE to take in the people who aren't given a category. if we could just learn to love those who were different, we might not have war. we would have won it before it's begun. on the third repeat, there is chanting in the background-- 'wave the white flag'. the white flag is a sign of surrender pretty much universally, and it goes hand in hand with what's being said here. and again. i feel like i keep repeating this- it's the intro song. why would they say this? because they don't really want to fight. remember, the point of a note job is to attract as little attention as possible. we don't want a war. we don't WANT to save rock and roll- but we have to. it is our job, as youth- as youngbloods. and THAT'S the message of this song. we are preparing for a fight for justice that we would rather not take part in, but we have to, to protect ourselves and our past and our future and our people.

this is what the band is saying-- we have been gone for so long, but we are back. and we are here to help. we have changed, but you have changed too, and we are better, and together we will take back what we have lost to achieve peace, even if it takes a millenia, even if we go down fighting. because ultimately, we, ourselves, the ostracized and the mocked and the hurt, we are worth it. We will rise above it like a phoenix reborn from the ashes because we are always worth it, and we will always come back.

#i wrote this in three different days with huge time gaps in between I hope it’s comprehensible #toby speaks #Toby’s asks #Toby’s meta #fob #fall out boy #save rock and roll #srar #the phoenix #I physically can’t look at this anymore if I do I’ll throw up #Hope you like it anyway anon!!! i appreciate the ask so much they’re so fun sorry for being so slow to answer #patrick stump #joe trohman #andy hurley #pete wentz

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smileymoth · 11 months ago

Text

@pikslasrce tagged me to post my top albums from this year :))

senses fail - still searching // armor for sleep - what to do when you are dead // senses fail -let it enfold you hollywood undead - hotel kalifornia // boysnightout - make yourself sick // wilbur soot - your city gave me asthma alesana - the emptiness // bedwetters - meet the f@cking bedwetters // bring me the horizon - sempiternal

do not ask me how many times i've listened to these 9 albums idon't even know myself. it's way too much though. i couldn't put all 4 boysnightout albums here so i just stayed at 1 and put it in the very middle because they altered my brain chemistry <33

senses fail gets 2 albums because i didnt spend weeks only listening to those 2 albums for no reason... their lyrics mean sm to me i want to illustrate the albums or songs one day. this goes for both senses fail and boysnightout btw. AND armor for sleep. there's something about that specific album. i realised i really enjoy albums that tell a story. and the fact that i like themes of angst love blood betrayal etc etc is no surprise either. car underwater got played way too many times

i discovered bedwetters thanks to eurovision, they were one of the options for estonia and i ofc found their old and only album (they released a new one a few weeks ago tho) (i dont know why they have 2 spotify accounts. im not asking). i even got to see them live bc they gave a free concert during summer <33333333 i got a picture with the band too !!!!! so cool

the new hollywood undead album got me back into them so im back to being obsessed. i love my silly california guys :3 i've been keeping up with them since and i desperately need to draw them again, this time without their masks!!!! im very glad that i found alesana to be sooo palatable this year because ive tried to listen to them before when i was a teenager and it just... didn't click, even if i tired. so yeah i get to fix that mistake now.

in spring i had a moment where i listened to sempiternal on repeat on the cd player for multiple days straight and in the past month i've, again, been listening to bmth and specifically sempiternal again so it gets a special place, too.

wilbur is just there because i had jubilee line stuck in my head so so so so much and also it's the best study music ever. also wilbur why is i'm sorry boris so silent. i can barely hear it it makes me angry so i always skip it. and then bc its the end of the album it gives me some lmanburg flag cover-art song that i don't like

anyway here's a special mention to these 3 albums because 1) greeley estates - caveat emptor, i just discovered it this week and i am in love. also greeley estates has been in my radar for quite some time now and i find the singers voice to be very pleasant and interesting? the tone does sth for me 2) brand new - deja entendu, for being stuck in my head for a good week because the tommy gun song wouldn't leave my head since it came on shuffle from my saved mp3 list when net was down 3) just surrender - if these streets could talk, because again i was obsessing over this for like a good week before i forgot about it. good album. not available in serbia tho for some reason

can you tell i love talking about music that i like. i know nothing about music it just makes me happy. :)

anyway i am tagging uhhhh @varteeny1234 and @complicatedsurgery and uhhh @cactusringed and uhhhh anyone else who wants + i'm not gona tag you, sly, because you only listen to alex g anyway <3

#moth post #music #tag game #good lord this ended up long #im not gona put it under read more bc look at my music boy

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h0rnyv01d · 1 year ago

Note

0: Height

1: Virgin?

2: Shoe size

3: Do you smoke?

4: Do you drink?

5: Do you take drugs?

6: Age you get mistaken for

7: Have tattoos?

8: Want any tattoos?

9: Got any piercings?

10: Want any piercings?

11: Best friend?

12: Relationship status

13: Biggest turn ons

14: Biggest turn offs

15: Favorite movie

16: I’ll love you if

17: Someone you miss

18: Most traumatic experience

19: A fact about your personality

20: What I hate most about myself

21: What I love most about myself

22: What I want to be when I get older

23: My relationship with my sibling(s)

24: My relationship with my parent(s)

25: My idea of a perfect date

26: My biggest pet peeves

27: A description of the girl/boy I like

28: A description of the person I dislike the most

29: A reason I’ve lied to a friend

30: What I hate the most about work/school

31: What your last text message says

32: What words upset me the most

33: What words make me feel the best about myself

34: What I find attractive in women

35: What I find attractive in men

36: Where I would like to live

37: One of my insecurities

38: My childhood career choice

39: My favorite ice cream flavor

40: Who wish I could be

41: Where I want to be right now

42: The last thing I ate

43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately

44: A random fact about anything

oop this is long so

1: yeah lol

2: 6

3: nope, gotta keep them lungs healthy to stay slutty

4: nopity nope, i’m so scared of saying something i’ll regret while drunk

5: again, nope 😭😭

6: recently people have been offering me kids menus at restaurants? it’s odd, idk how old they think i am but

7: no :(

8: i wanna get a star pattern on my collarbone at some point, and maybe a jellyfish on my upper arm

9: yep! regular lobe, and a cartilage piercing on my right ear

10: i wanna get a bunch of piercings, but just on my ears, i’m getting a conch piercing on my left soon

11: probs my friend sophia but you wouldn’t know her obv lol

12: it’s complicated- we’re both into each other, and weve dated in the past, but neither of us is willing to b like “let’s get back together”

13: men just casually hinting at something they’re into. it just makes my brain go WILD with possibilities

14: being mean outside of sex

15: cinderella (1950)

16: i’ll love you if you’re sweet (my standards are so low i’m sorry)

17: my friends i don’t talk to anymore

18: i’ve had two seizures, and those were probably the worst moments of my life

19: i’m clingy but i won’t admit it

20: my chin and my need for attention

21: i got that hourglass figure <3

22: i wanna be an author!!

23: i have one little sister, i love her, but she’s nuts sometimes

24: no father, and my mom is more like a big sister than a mother to me

25: any date is perfect as long as i’m with someone i love. but if i had to pick, watching fireworks together

26: people pronouncing my city name wrong, idk why

27: he’s a lil short, he’s got curly blonde hair, and he’s so sweet, he wants to be lawyer someday

28: the person i dislike most has greasy brown hair, is 5’6, and looks like he doesn’t shower

29: protecting feelings, and also i’ve lied if i thought it’d help repair friendships

30: waking up early!! i hate getting up at 6

31: “will you wake up if i send you more pictures of cats i like, or should i wait until tomorrow?”

32: ‘we need to talk’

33: i’ve gotten told i look like cinderella twice today :)) that made me feel so amazing

34: i’m more attracted to men than women, but i’ve noticed that whenever i’m into women, they tend to be really strong

35: brunettes for some reason

36: tbh i’m perfectly fine in florida

37: my laugh

38: i used to want to be a marine biologist, and while that field is still incredibly interesting to me, i think i’d rather write

39: vanilla, i’m a basic bitch <3

40: adelaide kane, shes dropdead gorgeous i’d love to be her

41: greece, because apparently there’s a ton of cats!!

42: i had a banana a few hours ago

43: chris hemsworth. on his poster for thor: ragnarok, he literally fits leonardo da vinci’s idea of perfection, so i will unapologetically be saying this

44: the blue whale is the largest animal to have ever lived

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horrorknife · 6 months ago

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hi! its the bastard from earlier, you're plaguing me with visions

COMPARING THEM TO PREY ANIMALS !?!?!!! I LOVE PREY ANIMAL COMPARISONS YOU HAVE NO IDEA !!!!! I'm putting these 2 under a microscope and chewing on the slides

YOU R SO SO RIGHT !!! Hoffman's need for direction is something I will never shut up about,, even if Adam can't directly give instructions (personally I see him following along as much as the next guy) he would be such a good anchor. GOD !!!

old man cutting up apples imagery save me. I know you probably didn't mean it literally but that domesticity is nice 2 me and oh my god aughhhh

New dynamic to rot my brain I guess. need to draw about it... pawing uselessly at my drawing tablet....

I have this like, idea in my head that Adam offers his cigarettes to people whenever he has spares. he gets denied like 90% of the time and most of it is just habit from when he hung around more people who DID smoke (I can't see most of the Jigsaw crew smoking) but do you think Hoffman would join in??? or would he just let him exist like that?? would he start hating it but grow more favorable to, at the very least, the smell (association and all)

like whenever I think of Lawrence / Adam I always see Lawrence as not completely attempting to cut the habit out but definitely making an effort to lower it. Also very vividly see Lawrence smoking once in a blue moon when shit gets rough because he needs the edge off and something something associations. I'm just curious how you view Hoffman in Adam's relationship to that. Hoffman has his own issues with substance abuse (drinking relentlessly and all) so like. lots to think on!

going to you like you're the end all with these two (you are in my head sorry this can't be undone. you answered a single ask now I'm your problem)

HIIIII im so glad to see you back!! <33

I LOVE THE PREY ANIMAL THING...i think all jigsquad members are inherently prey animals (that trait never leaves u even after ur test) but adam and hoffman exhibit it the most i htink........i love the prey animal thing idk i just. thats always the wording ive used for it thats always the comparison ive made...i think it actually started w adam for me lol because he's SO prey animal in like the whole of saw 2004. scared fighting back biting thrashing doing all he can to live...

YES you get itttt! adam is VERY much a follower and not the orders guy. hes very wallflower/voyeur/watcher/etc. that doesnt mean he cant give hoffman direction tho! all hoffman needs is to feel like hes in control + be nudged into a lane. and i think adam is perfect for that bc he has that innate vengeful streak hoffman does i fully believe this. (adams characterization is VERY specific to me and im extremely picky with it bc i have done so much personal/rp writing building up of him and SO MUCH character analysis...............akjfngdkjfngjf character analysis is like. one of my special interests)

i would love to see your art and ideas oh my god. please . Please. also i am thinking about drawing the apple cutting metaphor cuz........i kind of got super attached to it as soon as i typed it LOL i have such a clear image in my mind.......

I LOVE THAT HC!! i have a similar one ahaha except i think he's a consistent Smoke Bummer. i think hoffman smokes also, and i think them taking smoke breaks together is so..............Yeah........i dont think hoffman minds it at all. actually i think he probably has a tendency to chainsmoke too. i agree about lawrence as well!! i actually just drew a pic of chainshipping smoking together :-) lawrence would def try to get adam to cut back but he's susceptible to it because i think it's also a way for them to bond and manage THEIR horrible mess of a relationship too. often times adam has to step up to lawrence's playing field but i hardly ever see people putting lawrence on adam's? and i think that's so much more impactful for their dynamic, bc lawrence Doesn't usually want to get on adam's level to understand him bc hes stubborn and Has To Be Right. for adam that would be huge because everyone in his life has treated him like shit forever and he doesn't think lawrence will do any differently, but if lawrence were to be the one extending the branch? Hoo Boy. yeah.

I REALLY HOPE YOU COME OFF ANON I WOULD LOVE TO DM ABOUT THIS STUFF!!! GENUINELY!!!! PLEASE TALK TO ME i love talkign about my special interests with people!!!!!!!!!!

#asks #anonymous #dont get me started on chainshipping btw. good lord .

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after-nine-at-the-oasis · 2 years ago

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Aah promo time :D

Oop baby proofing 👀 :D

That's kinda sweet but I thiiink he's being annoying lol xDD

I'm thinking it at least a bit without context sooo xD wiiith?

OOP "I already am" (smth like that) XDD

Oh NO

A stroke in a like 5 year old??

That's not good 😬😬 :(

Ooh an interesting brain surgery though 👀

Uh ohhh

UH OHHHH

😳

That does not seem good xd

Well that episode's gonna be WILD lol!

They all have been recently xD but hey that's just the gig lol. I've just noticed that I've been saying it more beforehand recently lol.

But, still, exciting :D

That's the last of my last thoughts! Now it's time for the. . .

REVIEW

I really enjoyed this episode!! It thought it was great :D. I thought we'd finally get a death again, but I'm really glad we didn't :)). I'm sure it'll happen sometime, and it'll be rough lol xd. But I always have extra feelings about cystic fibrosis because of a book I read, so maybe that added into it lol, idk. Anyway, I thought it was an amazing episode, great cases and some good focus spread :).

Now, into the individualized portions!

First off, Asher and Perez :DD. Didn't see them much this episode, but we still love them 🥰🥰. They both gave Shaun good advice, and there were some fun interactions between the three of them :). Also what Danny said about his dad was so sad :'((. I mean, it could be worse, but still D':. Also, Asher had a s'more for the first time last year (in universe) :D?? That's adorable :)). That he got to, I mean, and even though it kinda sucks it's also kind of fun he never did :). Anyway! These two were also amazing on their case and they were fun this episode :). I love them, you honor 🥰🥰.

Andrews! He wasn't in this ep :o! I realized about halfway through lol. I mean, he was mentioned, in assigning work to Lea XD, but not seen. Huh! Well, we miss him :). And, a quick note, Jerome too :D!! And Villanueva :))). Anyway, I hope we get him back next week! I love him :D. And the others too of course 🥰.

Park and Morgan :). I thought their storyline this episode was really fun :D! I mean, not great stuff, but it wasn't SUPER heavy. Like, kinda, but not much :). I'm glad the guy wasn't lying lol, and that the study ended up okay :D!! I'm also glad Park managed to give Morgan a bit more hope in the world :). Or at least, a little bit more of a reason to think/look for it :'). Anyway, I'm glad the guy's okay (plus that's a LOT of blood to donate lol, good for him!! and thank you sir :DD), and they were great this episode :). I love them 🥰. Also Park's whole thing with the coffee machine (I know it wasn't much but still), especially at the end, was great lol XDD.

Lim and Jordan now. :(((( This storyline was SO SAD!!! I'm so glad it worked out in the end though :'D. I always find it interesting when we have a patient that one of the doctors has been seeing for a long time, especially if it's from before the show eve started :). Idk, it's just cool to me. Anyway, seeing how hard Lim was trying was HEARTBREAKING 😭😭. And then Jordan being right by her side :'DD. It was amazing <33. I love their relationship :'). And Brekka (pretty sure that was her name) was so sweet and cool :)). The whole part with the book and her letting go (in general, not just the moment - I don't wanna say giving up), everything around that, was just 😭😭😭. It was so beautiful though :') ❤️❤️🥺. Anyway, I am so glad everything worked out in the end :'D. I love them <33.

Glassman! 😭😭😭😭 Y'alllllll. The storylines this episode!! Half of them were so sad xD. Most of them, maybe - or even all of them lol. Anyway, I loved all Glassman's stories about Maddie :'D. I mean, I think it was only two this episode, but with one last week too, it's a lot more than on average lol. Anyway, they're all so sweet ❤️❤️. And sad 🥺, but still :')). But seriously, seeing Glassman dig through he wreckage of his house this episode 😭. UGH, it was a bit rough xd. I feel so bad for him 💔💔 <33. But I'm glad he was Shaun and Lea by his side to move forward with :'). Speaking of, his scene with Shaun, and with Lea, and with both of them - all amazing 😭😭😭🥰❤️❤️🥺. The advice, the experience they got to have together :') just amazing <33. I loved them so much :'D. Also, the nail polish <333. It hurt but still 😭😭😭❤️❤️❤️❤️. I love him <333.

Lastly, it's time for Shaun and Lea! PHEW, theyre okay :'D xD. As I suspected/hoped, it wasn't as bad as the preview made it out to be :'). And I mean, parental differences are a big thing to sort out, you know? There's a lot riding on it for sure, and it's gotta be stressful. I mean, just look at those parents from the case 😭. Case wise, by the way, I'm so glad everything worked out :'DD. The kid was okay (looked like even minimal/no brain damage!!! :DD), and the parents united again :')). It was really nice ❤️❤️❤️ <3. Anyway, I'm glad Shaun and Lea managed to solve the issue without a fight. There really wasn't one - there was a slightly heated discussion, but most of the problem was caused not by a specific disagreement about those decisions, but by Lea being busy and Shaun pushing it a bit. It wasn't anyone's fault, there was just stress on both sides. And everything ended up okay :')). Again, I loved both their scenes with Glassman <333 they were so sweet. And the ending one :'D - doing the little hand hold thing 😭😭😭❤️, and then feeling the baby kick :'DD 🥰 (plus Glassman getting to be there for that experience :')) it was just them, together, enjoying life - literally lol, it brought them joy :'D), and then starting on the list lol 🥰🥰 🥰. It was all so sweet, and while I'm a bit stressed for next week with their relationship with Glassman (not permanently, I just mean that side of the storyline), I'm sure it'll all end up okay :). Anyway, I loved that last scene, and the plot in general :)). I love them <333 :).

Overall, I really enjoyed this episode. I thought it had some great storylines (some in general, all of them were great) and a good spread of focus for the most part :D. The cases were great, if mostly very sad xdd, but everything worked out and I'm really happy it did :)). For once everyone ended the episode happy lol xD! I am a bit stressed for the next episode, but not much - not near as much as I have been for these past few lol. Anyway, really good episode 🥰.

So yeah! I loved this episode. Even with all its sad parts. I'm excited for the next one! This has been my review of. . .

The Good Doctor, Season 6, Episode 13: 39 Differences

This episode was a good one! I'm a bit nervous for the next episode, but not much. I'll be back next week with my review of. . .

The Good Doctor, Season 6, Episode 14: Hard Heart

See you then!

#the good doctor #tgd #oasis's tgd chatter #quality episode :)))#byeee 🥰🥰🥰😚 love you guys :DDD :)) ❤️ <3!!!

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alsjeblieft-zeg · 3 months ago

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096 of 2024

created by joybucket

1. When was the last time you went to church? Before I left to my vacation in Poland. I've started going to churches recently - not for holy masses, but just to find peace. I like how quiet churches are when there's no one there.

2. If you could trade hair with any one person, whose hair would you choose have, and why? No idea. This is such an interesting question, though.

3. How many pairs of pajama pants do you own that have animals on them? None.

4. If you own any pajamas with animals on them, what animals are they? N/A.

5. If you wanted to get a dog that looked like you, which breed of dog would you get, and why? Azawakh, hands down. They're long and narrow like me lol. They also have long limbs like me.

6. Do you have a hard time letting go of things? Very much so. I'm much more emotional than I show.

7. When was the last time you experienced a miracle, and what was it? In 2021, when I was brought back to life after massive brain haemorrhage and I came back to almost full mobility, just my hand is beyond repair.

8. When was the last time you colored in an adult coloring book? I don't think I ever did it.

9. How many cellphones have you owned in your lifetime? Like, 10? It's only an estimation :P

10. Name one celebrity who is the same age as you. Emma Watson for a woman, The Weeknd for man.

11. How old were you when you had your first crush? I don't know, 20 something? It wasn't fully romantic anyway.

12. Was your first crush on a male or female? Male. I pretty much have feelings only for guys.

13. Do you think you look better with long hair or short hair? I used to have long hair in the past and I liked it, now I have short hair, but I have no idea which ones I look better in.

14. Have you ever had to apply for disability? Yes, I got an official status in 2022.

15. ....and if so, what happened? I've become physically disabled after stroke.

16. What is your favorite board game? I don't know, I haven't played many of these.

17. Do you think you look better with curly or straight hair? I don't know, but I'm a guy, so maybe that's why.

18. What is one unpopular opinion you have? In metal music, breakdowns are way better than guitar solos.

19. What is your favorite photo editing app on your phone? Beauty Plus because it has cool filters, but I don't use it for selfies like it's meant to.

20. What is one video game you used to love to play but haven't played in years? 🎮 Super Mario Bros, this one from the 80s.

21. How many of your grandparents are alive currently? None.

22. What is one medication you will never take again, and why? 💊 Anti-inflammatory drugs because they might interact with my regular medication.

23. What is your favorite thing about your life right now? More time to travel.

24.....and what is your least favorite? Chronic illness.

25. In your opinion, what are three of the most disgusting foods ever? Liver, black pudding and raw cucumbers.

26. Do you believe in God? I can't say I believe, but I can't say I don't believe either. I'm rather questioning and looking for answers.

27. What are three emojis you use a lot? Green heart, blossom and laughing/crying emoji.

28. Do you keep your clothes in a dresser or a closet? I keep them wherever I have space, for real.

29. What is your least favorite household chore, and why? Wiping floors, I just hate it.

30. What is your favorite insect, and why? All butterflies, they're pretty.

31. What is your LEAST favorite insect, and why? Everything else. Just because I don't like insects.

32. Do you follow any sort of special diet, and if so, what? No, I don't. My eating habits are just messed up.

33. Have you ever had an eating disorder? Yes, I've been diagnosed with EDNOS many years ago. I don't think I will ever fully come out of it.

34. Do you consider yourself spiritual? No, I don't think so. I just think a lot.

35. Are you happy with your life right now? Why or why not? More happy than not, it seems easier to deal with things these days.

#survey #random survey #q&a survey

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lovestuckyhatemarvel · 1 year ago

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My bastard boy cat was a bastard child to my old lady cat and just kneaded a blanket while yowling as if he’s the one who was put upon. Anyway, here’s Stranger Things Season 4 Episode 6. Let’s see what’s dumber: the show or my cat.

1.) Patrick’s corpse looks too goofy for me to feel bad for Jason right now.

2.) “Eddie is a vessel for Satan.” Lmao this was a dude who like last episode swore he didn’t believe in the Supernatural. Not to tell him his business but I would not be jumping to Satan even when I was a kid who believed in that shit.

3.) Also, maybe the cops should be worried about a teenager who already hunted down Eddie once when he’s being like ‘EDDIE IS A VESSEL FOR THE DEVIL’. Like I’m gonna be real with you, small town cops will put you in psych ward against your will for less.

4.) I need everyone to understand that even though America’s military fucking LOVES torture, torture does not work. It does not work. It will get you a false confession long before it will get you a real one. Part of the problem though is that media fucking looooooooves torture. Like this isn’t bullshit ‘media makes you violent’ nonsense. Congress literally cited the show 24 during talks about whether torture works. Because it always worked in the fictional bullshit garbage TV show 24.

5.) The shot of El walking down a hall with a team behind her while Brenner talks about how she had a LITERAL STROKE is hilarious.

6.) To be clear, you do not repair broken or dead connections in your brain. Once those are dead, they’re dead forever. They do not come back. You create NEW routes.

7.) Can we talk about how Kali has not been mentioned once? Did the Duffers forget she exists? Like Brenner sucks but he’s not an idiot, so he should be aware that someone is killing people from the fucking place.

8.) Sneaky Eddie steals a walkie with his tongue out.

9.) I love that Robin talked about Eddie’s doe eyes.

10.) The cops releasing Eddie’s name and photo as a ‘person of interest’ in this town based on Jason’s stupid testimony that sounds insane is B-B-B-Bonkers.

11.) Poor Eddie is like, very close to a breakdown and I do not blame him.

12.) Why can’t they just tell Argyle that Suzie’s family is Mormon.

13.) Okay no one ever mentions people are being bonkers in Suzie’s house. Also there are so many kids.

14.) Argyle has a mega crush on Eden that people also never mention.

15.) I’m glad Joyce and Murray survived their plane crash but how did they do that with zero injuries.

16.) Oh, the traitor is still alive too.

17.) I will say that leaving someone in the middle of nowhere tied to a tree is actually killing him. Lmao Like not to get into ridiculous semantics, but just because it wasn’t directly 100% by your hands doesn’t not make it murder.

18.) Yuri decides to help them though because the show can’t actually have either of them do anything terrible.

19.) Oh Antonov is like, catholic or some shit.

20.) What is with this feast?

21.) Hopper was doing SOMETHING on the floor during this rando telling people about upside down monsters.

22.) Hopper was the first dude to figure out the last meal shit????

23.) has anyone edited this plinking scene with El to put a horse into it?

24.) Brenner saying One didn’t exist is hilarious. Like, no kids, we just started at 2 for funsies. Like maybe just say he died or something.

25.) Oh now they finally mention Kali, but still no mention or attempt from anyone actually in charge. Just a memory of a mention.

26.) “We should have just told her the truth”. Sirs, I don’t think you actually know the truth.

27.) When exactly did Steve practically invent Skull Rock as a make out spot?

28.) Lucas is so goddamn sweet.

29.) Why would Robin of all people hint that Nancy and Steve should get back together???????

30.) Robin and Nancy are cute.

31.) Dustin’s dads calling him a butthead is great.

32.) this town hall is bullshit.

33.) Oh god, Jason and his stupid crew. I hate his stupid face. Also suddenly he’s not giving details. Probably because no one would actually believe him. Why doesn’t he just say ‘vessel for Satan’?

34.) Oh suddenly some of the people in the crowd realize their kids are accused cult members.

35.) Jason I wanna beat you silly.

36.) WHY THE FUCK HAS NO ONE CUT HIS MIC? WHY HAS NO ONE ARRESTED HIM FOR ATTEMPTING TO INCITE A GODDAMN RIOT?

37.) Jesus Christ, Powell, you are 5 minutes late and a dollar short.

38.) why are they lying to Susie oh my god.

39.) I love Eden.

40.) Karen, don’t call the cops, oh my god.

41.) “The thing I do now, apparently. I ran.” This implies that this is a new development for Eddie.

42.) Dustin’s gate reveal.

43.) Steve pointing out they can’t put Eddie in danger via a walk in the words.

44.) I’m gonna be real with you, technically Eddie’s statement is nonsense since the Shire isn’t burning into after everyone gets back from Mordor.

45.) IDK who needs to hear this but putting extra black people in the show just for most of them to be background or killed is like, not actually representation.

46.) It’s actually kind of nonsense that Henry is so obsessed with El in the past.

47.) Yuri has a point. He doesn’t need to need to do anything to them at this point. Either they succeed or they die.

48.) Ohhhhhhh Murray is now Yuri and Yuri is now Murray. That’s smart. Maybe. If they’d actually established that no one knows what Yuri looks like, which they didn’t do that first.

49.) Antonov is kind of right about hope. Also, people can absolutely defeat a demogorgon. Hopper should know that. So man I hope this is a distraction or something, because damn, otherwise what are you doing?

50.) Oh Hopper and Antonov got taken out.

51.) I also don’t know how they got a demogorgon here.

52.) Oh, Hopper did have a plan. Good job, bud.

53.) Okay I know what the internet is and I know how I got access to it in the 90s, but I just realized I don’t know how Suzie’s household has it in the 80s.

54.) Oh, Eden and Argyle were getting high.

55.) Maybe one of you two cops could have actually done something about Jason before he became a riot inducer. Maybe when he accused Eddie of being an agent of Satan.

56.) Robin would put Nancy in charge.

57.) “Miss you already.” Robin, you’re the queen of my heart.

58.) What’s with the bully group of kids?

59.) For real why do these kids fucking hate El?

60.) El literally does not know what happened?

61.) Nancy watching Steve and Robin watching Nancy and Eddie watching Steve. Also, Max approves of Steve’s chest hair, almost guaranteed.

62.) Merman Steve Harrington. He can hold his breath for at least a minute.

63.) Max distracting the cops.

64.) damn he really does get just yanked across the ground.

65.) Nancy jumps in. Dustin gets caught by the cops. Robin follows. Eddie calls it stupid and then follows seconds after.

66.) Steve’s first time in the upside down. And he gets to fight mutant bats with an oar and immediately get his ass kicked as he’s strangled. There was like, definitely a version of this where he died.

#stranger things #stranger things rewatch #season 4 episode 6 #stranger things s4e6 #s4e6

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mommy-mystic · 1 year ago

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August 4th, 2023: Finding Abundance in a Time of Stress & Brokenness 🩷 Prayer Journaling Resource & Devotional ✨️

Here are some notes from a devotional I saved a while back & a quick comment on how I used it in tonight's journaling, gratitude exercise 🩷

Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: But when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

📖 "Abundance is found mostly in a heart overcome by peace and joy. Even in a life that resembles a desert, we begin to thrive and bloom like a tree planted by a spring. -He wants to find you in desolated places, to water your roots and replenish your body, soul, and spirit with hope."

The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. John 10:10

*Check out the original devotional here*

These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world. John 16:33

📖 "The beauty of our Good Shepherd is that he does not tell us to 'get over' our anxiety or our depression. He provides for us. He gives us rest. He refreshes us when we’re thirsty for His presence. He points us toward righteousness. He’s far less interested in “fixing” us as He is in loving us to a place of fullness, of understanding our identity and letting that understanding replace brains and hearts wracked by fear or sadness."

My Thoughts & a Few Quick Notes:

Tonight I found myself wishing I could plug my brain into a greater, more powerful source to recharge before all the crazy days, weeks, and months that lie ahead and then I realized I can do exactly that. ✨️

I uncovered this old devotional I saved in the bible app and found it actually very soothing. It's helped me to tune into that greater source of light and goodness and optimism that I have been needing so badly so I hope it does the same for you!

youtube

These types of long instrumental videos are my favorite for meditation and writing, especially if you're in a bit of panic and need to switch gears to all those good and hopeful, and optimistic things. 🎶

I used the above devotional and video while I was writing my own little prayer journal tonight about some recent things I'm experiencing and making a gratitude list and it honestly transformed my night and helped me to see all the incredible abundance that our lives are being blessed with right now and release a lot of the anxiety that's been weighing me down lately. If you're seeing this, I'm sending you all the goodness/positivity to get through the remainder of this year while appreciating moments of rest, peace, & gratitude along the way. 🩷

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sakura-83 · 3 years ago

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Things from Anne with an e that I feel like writing down

Season 1 Episode 6: Remorse Is the Poison of Life

1. Diana having to run through the dark with nothing but a lantern and quite reasonably tripping. I never really thought about how dark it would actually be out because there’s always light.., somewhere in a modern city. It’s dark but you can usually still see

2. Every time Anne and Diana are separated they end up reunited during some great tragedy and are like “I missed you so much!!” Like yeah that’s great but. Please focus

3. It’s terrifying how easily children could die before modern medicine. They still can die very easily and that’s still terrifying but back then there was no quick fixes or easily accessible help

4. “It’s an old wives tale.” “I might be one but not the other. Evidently one doesn’t have to be either thing to know it.”

5. Anne knowing how to treat croup because all of Mrs. Hammond’s sets of twins had it

6. “I was supposed to be a boy but when I wasn’t, they decided to keep and raise me.” “How extraordinary!”

7. Minnie May almost choking to death on her own phlegm and Anne ultimately saving her because there’s no way the doctor would’ve made it all the way from Soencervale in time

8. “I believe I need a brandy.”

9. It’s really interesting how much of the script comes straight from the book

10. “I’m so glad I live in a world where there are white frosts, aren’t you?”

11. John Blythe’s love for adventure and how Gilbert undoubtedly sees it in Anne

12. Eliza apologizing for how she misjudged Anne

13. “My darling Diana”

14. “I can’t tie myself down to anything so unromantic as dishes at this thrilling moment!”

15. “Even aunt Josephine said she’d like to see you again, and she doesn’t like anyone.”

16. “Shes disinclined to stay home alone since her companion passed away.” “Her companion?” “Her best friend forever and ever.”

17. “Aunt Josephine never married. Neither of them did, they lived with each other their whole lives.” “I’d live with you forever if I could. But I know you’ll leave me the date you get married to some wealthy and handsome gentleman. I hate him already.” “How’s Gilbert?”

18. “It’s very likely Gilbert’s father isn’t going to get well, so it’s more than possible that when Gilbert finally comes back to school… he’ll be an orphan.”

19. The cut from that conversation to John Blythe’s funeral

20. Matthew grabbing Marilla’s arm because he knows how much john meant to her

21. Gilbert watching the snowflakes melt in his hand

22. Marilla’s flashback

23. Young Marilla teasing john

24. Him giving her the same hair ribbon she later gifts to Anne

25. Anne and Gilbert being just like their parents, mirroring their romance and yet achieving the love Marilla and John could never have

26. Anne trying to make Gilbert feel better but making it seem like it’s about her. I often find it hard to articulate my relation to others in a way that does sound like I’m relating and not like I’m making it about me

27. Aunt Josephine on a stroll in the woods

28. Anne’s ranting about her “extensive knowledge of being an orphan”

29. Her calling Gilbert a dumb boy and refusing to think about him

30. “Romance is a pesky business. No sense to be made of it.”

31. “May I enter your humble abode.” About Anne’s run down little shed

32. “I couldn’t be less interested in Gil- that boy!”

33. “Let your ambitions and your aspirations be your guide.” “But I have so many!”

34. “I’ve always wanted to be a bride, but I don’t really expect to be a wife.” “Interesting!” “So you see the conundrum.” “I do. I have the following thoughts to offer. First, you can get married any time in your life, if you choose to do so.” “That’s true-“ “And two, if you choose a career, you can buy a white dress yourself, have it made to order and wear it whenever you want.” “Why didn’t I think of that!? I love that idea! I’m going to be my own woman!” “I’m a proponent for making ones own way in the world.”

35. “If you become a doctor, perhaps you can discover a cure for old age.”

36. Anne calling aunt Josephine her new role model, as well as Marilla and Matthew

37. “I’m going to be the heroine of my own story.”

38. Marilla finding an old letter from John

39. The theme Unrequited Love playing during this scene

40. It’s fascinating when you come to recognize the instrumentals by name, the names actually have a lot of double meanings in relation to the show. Fire in The Town not only plays when there’s an actual fire, but also when Anne’s rumors about prissy set the town ablaze

41. “If the key to a mans heart is through his stomach-“ “Which it is!” “Then, we have to make sure that this is the best shepherds pie that Gilbert has ever had.”

42. Anne wanting a boy to loved for her brain and personality rather than her abilities to keep a home

43. “Don’t you think Gilbert looks even more handsome now that he’s sad?” “I didn’t notice.”

44. I just noticed aunt Josephines mourning clothes, I know she was grieving but I didn’t put two and two together

45. “Take the boy the godforsaken pie before I suffer a mental collapse.”

46. Anne rambling excitedly about Jane Eyre.

47. Anne almost spoiling the book, just like Gertrude used to do

48. Anne suddenly breaking down over death. I’ve done that before, far more frequently in middle school when I realized that we all die someday

49. “It must be awful beyond measure to lose someone that you love deeply. In a split second, a heartbeat, they’re gone forever… and there is nothing you can do to change it or bring them back…”

50. “Anne? You’re crying on the potatoes.”

51. “There’s nothing wrong with saying ‘I’m sorry for your loss’, Ruby. And I’m going to say it because I am.” “You’re just going to make it worse if you say that. His father!! Just died!!!” “That’s what people say when someone dies.” “I don’t want you to upset him.” “He’s already upset because his father just died!”

52. “We hope you like shepherds pie.” “Everyone LIKES shepherds pie 😡. We hope it’s a comfort to you, Gilbert.🥰”

53. Anne telling “but I would make a terrible wife!” And running out.

54. Matthew offering to help Gilbert get his farm back in order

55. Gilbert not wanting to be a farmer but having an entire farm shoved off on him when his only family does, despite being… 14 at most? 15 maybe?

56. Matthew losing all his crops when the Dal Marie sank

57. Billy wanting Gilbert back to control the “ugly orphan” and Gilbert defending Anne

58. “She’s smart, deal with it.”

59. Gilbert telling billy to read a book for once

60. “I’ll give you a tip, okay? I’m not your bud. And if you ever hassle Anne again, you’ll regret it.”

61. “What’s your problem?” “Ask me that again. No, seriously. Go ahead.” “Why you gotta be like that?” “Ask me!” “…what’s your problem?”

62. Gilbert throwing his stuff at billy to preoccupy his hands and THEN punching him straight in his stupid face

63. The boys are fighting!!!! And rolling around in the snow too that’s kind of funny looking

64. Gilbert beating billy in that fight

65. Marilla telling Gilbert about his father

66. All of Gilbert’s siblings died

67. Gilbert’s father taking him to Alberta before he died, where Gilbert was born

68. “You resemble him in many ways.”

69. “He asked you to go?” I’ll always be grateful to him for thinking I’d be brave enough. Obligation… can be a prison.”

70. Anne trying to write a letter to Gilbert apologizing for what she said

71. Anne visiting aunt Josephine for advice and accidentally interrupting her grieving

72. “Emotion is rarely convenient and often intolerable, but I find at the moment that I don’t mind it.”

73. “Grief is the price you pay for live, you see. So it’s alright.”

74. “You and I are not the marrying kind.” “Ah, but I was, in my way. And we had a full and wonderful life together, and I gave no regrets. That’s all you really have to decide Anne, to live a life without regrets.”

75. Anne kissing aunt Josephine on the cheek and running off to live said life

76. No Matthew don’t make that loan deal!!!

77. Anne sprinting to Gilbert’s house bit for the first time of many to come, being too late to reach him.

#anne with an e #renew awae #awae #anne shirley cuthbert #gilbert blythe #josephine barry #marilla cuthbert #mathew cuthbert #diana barry

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sailorhyunjinz · 4 years ago

Text

~ 𝕋𝕒𝕜𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕡𝕚𝕔𝕥𝕦𝕣𝕖𝕤 𝕠𝕗 𝕪𝕠𝕦 ~

Part I

All picture rights to their respective owners.

ℂ𝕠𝕟𝕥𝕖𝕟𝕥: Photographer!hyunjin, fem!model!reader, manager!Bangchan, stylist!Jisung, agedup!straykids, SMUT IN LATER PARTS, fluff, character driven story, strangers to lovers, summer au, mentions of insecurity, love at first sight.

𝕎𝕠𝕣𝕕 ℂ𝕠𝕦𝕟𝕥: 3,5 k

ℕ𝕠𝕥𝕖: I have never written a series before so please understand if it’s lacking heh... and yes the title does relate to the kooks song with the same title so do give it a listen because it’s really good and fits the story c:

also this starts slowly LMAO MORE FUN THINGS ARE COMING UP I SWEAR <33

If you have any feedback I’m more than happy to receive it! <3

Taking pictures of you - MASTERLIST

ONE｜TWO｜THREE

Working as a model was not easy. The complaining managers and the expectations by others was too much to handle. Heck, even getting to the shooting locations was a hastle most of the time.

You tilted your head against the window in the backseat of the taxi. It was a calm august wednesday. The late summer breeze made it’s way into the cab thorugh the window that was opened on the drivers side. Your phone screen lit up, multiple notification from Instagram.

“omg! slay bbygrl”

“her face is crazy pretty”

“beautiful”

You’ve heard these words too many times. If you’re told the same thing over and over again they eventually mean nothing. You scrolled through the other comments on your latest instagram post, a photo from your last photoshoot. A picture of you lying in a bed of white flowers, your skin glowing and your body covered by a white sheer dress that accentuated your neck. It’s not a bad photo but was I really worth the attention? “There are a thousands of other girls way prettier than me.” you though and with a sulken expression you watched life run by outside the window.

15 minutes later you arrived at your agency. You smiled your model smile at the taxi driver to which he smiled back and responded: “My pleasure, miss y/n”.

A big shadow was cast from the building in which the modeling agency was. The beige renaissance building was surrounded by green bushes and a black fence. The big oak entryway had golden lion knockers and an ingraved golden sign. “Eccellente Modeling Agency” it said with bold black letters, contrasting nicely with the gold plate. You rang the doorbell next to the sign and in a matter of seconds the oak gates opened with a loud creak.

“Y/n!! You look stunning as always!” said your manager Bangchan as he hugged you. The smell of his aftershave violated your olfactory sense as usual, making you scrunch your nose. He was always dressed business casual, his white polo shirt and light brown dress pants being a good example but today his poloshirt had a great amount of buttons unbuttoned.

The both of you made your way into his office. A room with a high ceiling and a chandelier worth more than your career. You sat down in the leather couch across the desk, Bangchan sitting on the other side of it.

“Give me a moment.... Just pulling up some files for the new photoshoot I’ve planned! I promise, you’re not gonna be disappointed.” he says smiling, the desktop screen reflecting in his brown eyes.

He turns his computer screen towards you. Your eyes scan the pictures that pop up.

“May I present to you the profile of Hwang Hyunjin. One of the most renowned photographers of this age”. Bangchan looks at you, reading your expression.

The pictures are truly beautiful. Everything, from the outfits to the lightning was perfect.

“Bangchan, you’re insane” you say, smiling widely as you made eye contact with the dark haired manager. “These pictures are so stunning!” you squeal. “How did you even get in contact with him?”

“Nothing for you to worry about y/n, I have my contacts. I’m a manager after all”. He scoffs whilst scrolling through the profile. The next picture getting better than the previous one.

“So... when is the shoot and what concept have you planned?” you say whilst your eyes are glued to the computer screen.

“Mr, Hwang works for a multitude of companies but Styliz needed a model for their new pastel collection which I immedietly snatched onto. We all know how beautiful you look in pastels y/n” he said attentively to which you smiled, adoring the interest he has for his work.

��Oh.. I also cheked your schedule and you seem free tomorrow so how about then?” he added.

“Yes! I’d love too” you said with a small nod.

“Not that you have much choice, Mr Hwang’s time is worth gold y/n” he laughed and reached for something in his cabinet drawers.

“Here, take this” he said while sliding over a light grey business card.

‘Hwang Hyunjin, Photographer’ was written in dark grey letters. A black border decorating the edges of the card.

♡

The morning sun shined thorugh the curtains blinding you temporarily. You felt after your phone on the nightstand with you hand, your eyes still closed. ‘8:05 am’ the screen showed against the background picture of your family.

You missed them, moving to a different city across the country at the young age of 18 was scary. You’ve aged, that’s for sure but you still missed them dearly. Dragging your lifeless body to the shower you hope for a day with happiness whilst the warm water hits your bare skin. It was a big day after all. A photoshoot with photographer Hwang Hyunjin. “Me... on Hyunjins work? It must be a dream...” you thought, grabbing the towel hanging on the cold, silver rack.

You dryed off your thick hair with a light pink towel with one hand whilst the other hand held your phone. “I have to look at his photos again” you thought, tapping on the Instagram icon and typing “Hwang Hyunjin” in the search bar, hoping and praying that his work was published on the social media platform.

“@ photographerHwang” was the first result to pop up and you tapped it instantly being just as surprised as you were yesterday of the beauty that his photos carried. Bumping into the table on your way to the kitchen you noticed a different photo on his feed. It didn’t look like any of the other photos because it was a selfie. You dropped your towel on the floor. No... it can’t be him... or could it?

His face looked like a work of art. Not only was the photo nicely edited with warm light emitting from your screen but the person was even more eyecatching. “It’s probably one of his models” you though as you placed your phone on the kitchen counter and grabbed a carton of milk from the fridge.

But what if it’s really him?

♡

You threw on a grey hoodie and biker shorts before you flew out to the taxi waiting for you outside the apartment.

“Sorry for keeping you waiting sir! Here!” you said while panting, quickly pulling up a text message you got from Bangchan sharing the location of the photoshoot.

“Please, Miss y/n! No need to apologize” laughed the middle aged taxi driver softly. You were now on your way to the shoot.

Your brain was scattered. One part of you hoped that Mr Hwang really was the boy you saw on his instagram. His long, blond locks slightly covering his sharp jaw. His skin clear as day and rosy lips plump like two rose petals. The other part shut everything down, convinced that it’s one of his models that happened to be to your liking.

You opened his instagram page again.

“He must be famous for his perfect features...” you said under your breath, staring at his lips.

The whole taxi ride was filled with thoughts of him, whoever he was.

“Soon there miss y/n” the taxi driver said after 10 minutes of driving. The taxi slowed down and looking outside the window you saw Bangchan standing infront of a building that looked similar to the agency building. You waved slightly and he waved back at you.

You turned around to the driver and said; “Thank you so much sir”, giving him a generous tip and exiting the vehicle. A warm breeze latches on to you, making your hair flutter in the motions of the wind.

“Y/n! Perfectly on time” Bangchan said and hugged you.

You hugged him back, asking him about his day so far to which he responded;

“Good but going to be even better after this legendary photoshoot is done and we have the most perfect photos taken by the most influential photographer!” he sounded like a little child in a candy shop.

Your ears heated up due to his words and you smiled slightly.

“Let’s go to the second floor and get your outfit and makeup ready. A introduction with Styliz manager won’t be needed since he already knows your delightful personality” he laughed at his corny remarks and you did the same.

“You seem even more excited than me” you remarked, pressing the elevator button.

“When you see the end result you will be floored” Bangchan said and winked at you.

The elevator clanged. “Second floor”. The metal doors slided open. The eyes of a dozen stylists and makeup artists caught onto you. A slightly potbellied man in a navy colored suit approached you.

“Y/n! I’m so happy to see work with you again.” His voice was hoarse due to his age but his personality being the total opposite. You knew him well since Styliz’s chief was one of the first to offer you a modeling job in a foreign city, you only being a teenager with a big dreams at the time.

“Mr. Styliz! It’s lovely to meet you again” you smiled and sat down in a makeup chair, a girl with blond hair and big hoop earrings starting to brush powder across your nose. You saw Bangchans figure leave behind a door in the reflection of the mirror.

“Mr. Styliz, might I ask you a question?” You regretted the words as soon as the came out of your mouth. You didn’t need more information about the mysterious boy you saw on Hwang’s instagram page but you simply had to know who is was.

“Well of course y/n” said Mr. Styliz, his warm breath touched your cheek as he stood right by your side, smelling of morning coffee and looking at you through the mirror.

“Could I please get more information about Mr.Hwang?” you said, making eye contact with the old man.

“y/n, you’ll meet him soon! Then you can ask him how much you would like about his life but I must warn you... He is quite the secretive type”. The coffee breath was accentuated as he laughed.

You tried to play along, laughing a fake laugh as the hair designer started to brush out your locks. A wave of embarrassment washed through you.

The lights of the makeup mirror were getting hot, tiny sweat drops beading on your forehead which the makeup artist wiped off.

“We are done, Miss y/n” said the makeup artist, her earrings reflecting the light in the studio. You thanked her and saw Bangchan standing at the door where the cameras were.

“y/n, not much time left. Please go down the hallway and into the second door on your left, the stylist is in there fixing your outfit”. One reason as to why you loved Bangchan as your manager was his calm temper. Even in a time crunch, he always made sure to talk to you in a serene tone. After years in the modeling industry you still couldn’t get used to the ill-tempered staff. Too many times you had been forcefully dragged down corridors and streets whilst they muttered swear words at you. Even thinking about it sends shivers down your spine.

Your shoes tapped the white linoleum as you made your way down the narrow hallway, knocking on the second door to your left just as Bangchan said.

A familiar voice said; “Come in!” to which you turned the golden doorknob on the white wooden door. The tall figure was rummaging in a big plastic container filled with clothes but upon your arrival the figure greeted you with warm eyes.

“No way!! It’s y/n!” screeched Jisung. He pulled you in to a hug, his belt buckle hit your stomach through the grey hoodie.

Jisung was a stylist and worked closely with Mr. Styliz therefore you’d gotten close to him. Not only did you like him for his exquisite fashion sense which had a whole different concept each time you saw him but also for his friendliness, always being polite.

“I’ve missed you so much Jisungie” you said with a pout.

“I though it was onesided but I guess not haha”

“Don’t be silly! How could I not miss that smile of your Sungie?” you hit him playfully on the arm to which he blushed.

“Go behind that and I’ll throw some clothes for you.” he pointed at the wooden divider standing in the corner of the white room filled with clothes racks and colorful clothing.

You started undressing behind the divider and suddenly a pile of clothing was thrown on your head over the divider. You heard Jisung snicker at the yelp that came out of your mouth as you drowned in the clothes

“Jisung, you are so dead when I’m done” you said whilst putting on the last details to the outfit.

“I’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry” he said pleadingly while laughing hysterically.

You stood on the podium infront of the full lenght mirrors in the room as Jisung observed you and pinned the clothes slightly.

“Not gonna lie, it’s looks really good on you. The pastels matches perfectly with your skintone.” Jisung looked on the pleaded white skirt you had on.

You looked in the mirror and shook your head in agreement. The pastel purple sweater with the white collar poking out made you look youthful and innocent. You had on patent mary jane shoes in the same purple color as your sweater. The white kneesocks were slipping down as you moved slightly, almost looking like a school girl as you bend down to lift the socks up.

“Do you like it?” Jisung looked at you through the reflection on the mirror, standing on the floor making him a head shorter than you.

“Yea! You’ve never given me a bad outfit Sungie, they’re always adorable. My favorite stylist but don’t tell that to Bangchan” you smirked to which Jisung laughed.

♡

“y/n, Jisung did a great job! You fit the concept to a tee” Bangchan stood infront of two wide dark green doors which led to the photostudio. He smiled shyly and pushed the doors open, a bright white light blinding you as you stepped in.

You squinted and held your hand infront of your eyes as you entered the studio, the air stuffy from all the white boxlights that have been working for a while.

“Miss y/n is here now, Mr. Hwang” Bangchan announced.

Your eyes felt blurry and the lights created a bokeh effect, your vision feeling like a filter. The first thing you saw was him. Hwang Hyunjin.

The shock froze your feet in one position. It was him. The selfie was Hyunjin. And he was hotter in real life.

A tall, slender figure stood on one foot, the other one behind his leg with the tip of the shoe pointing towards the floor.

“Are you ready, miss y/l/n?”.

His voice was sweeter than honeysuckle, you melted upon hearing him speak. Bangchan looked at you confused when you didn’t move, just observing the presence of the blonde boy infront of you.

“y/n?” Bangchan had a worried expression on his face as your face broke out in a massive blush.

“yeah..uh-mm..yes” you only managed to get that out before you were infront of the camera.

His willowy fingers wrapped around the black Canon camera, it fit perfectly in his hands as if it was made for him. You gulped upon seeing the veins that ran up his exposed arms, the white shirt bunched up by his elbows.

“Everything good miss? You seem distant” he said in that raspy but sweet voice.

“Uhm...yeah totally..” you looked awkward with your hands by your side as you saw Bangchan observing you with a confused gaze.

“Please tilt your head to the right and stand broad with your feet” Hyunjin commanded to which you complied. The flash of the big studio lights didn’t effect you as much anymore since you were used to this but what did effect you was how concentrated Hyunjin looked. Like a true photographer. It was obvious that he enjoyed his job by the way his eyes shined when he looked at the monitor and corrected every detail. Luckily you could stare at his figure all that you wanted since it looked like you were keeping eye contact with the camera and not him. Glancing over to the left of the photographer you saw Bangchan smiling his bright smile, signaling that he’s proud over you.

Flash

And another flash before Hyunjin looked at the monitor displaying the photos he just took, a smirk crept onto his face.

“Good job y/l/n. Could you please grab that chair over there and sit on the edge of it?” he said whilst pointing towards a small wooden stool. Reacting instantly to his soft voice and gestures you pulled the stool towards the x on the ground, making sure you were in frame.

“One leg over the other” Hyunjin said without even looking towards you, his pale veiny hands were now twisting and turning some buttons on both the camera and monitor. You shook your head up and down slightly in agreement before doing as told and as Hyunjin turned back his chocolatey brown eyes landed on yours. Now it was impossible to hide your burning cheeks, Hyunjin noticed since he laughed stiffly before grabbing the camera off the camera stand and going down on one knee to capture an angle from below. Numerous amounts of sparks from the big box lights were emitted and after every spark Hyunjin turned around to the screen which displayed your figure. Staring at him you smiled slowly, feeling your heart beat faster. Why do I feel like this by just looking at him? Your head was clouded with millions of other thoughts. Just as you started tuning out the room Hyunjin clapped his hands hard, the sound ringing in your ears. You jumped slightly which made Bangchan laugh.

“All done! Nice work everybody” Hyunjin announced loudly before bowing down to the other staff members in the room and to you as well. You returned his gesture by a slight bow of the head and quickly scurried of to Bangchan, your face hot.

“Are you sure you’re not ill?” Bangchan said softly before putting the back of his hand towards your forehead. Shaking your head from side to side you pushed his hand away.

“No, I’m fine... just so hot with the box lights you know?” you laughed fumblingly, not knowing where to rest your gaze.

You felt someone tap you on your left shoulder and you almost fainted when you turned around. Hyunjin was standing three footsteps from you, the scent of his cologne making you swoon. He smiled as he saw your shy expression and sparkling eyes.

“I though that it must have been hot, here have this”

He casually held out a waterbottle which you received with both hands as a gesture of thankfulness.

“y/n, I’m just gonna head off to Jisung to discuss something. Meet me at the changing rooms in about 10, ok?” Bangchan said, slightly leaning towards your ear.

“Yeah, see you in 10!” you said while the managers back disappeared through the broad doors of the studio. Turning back to Hyunjin his blond locks were draped infront of his eyes and as he spoke he tucked those light pieces behind his ear, revealing his small silver hoop earrings.

“I’m gonna pack up the cords now but it was a pleasure to work with you, miss y/l/n”

The corners of your mouth went upwards at his formality.

“Please, call me y/n” you said quietly, being too shy to look him in the eyes.

“Sure, see you around y/n” Hyunjin said as he lifted up his hand to shake yours. His lanky fingers were filled with bold rings, many of which were designer. A slight panic rushed through your mind as you didn’t want to scare him away with your clammy hands. The sweaty hands and the churning of your stomach was all due to Hyunjin nearness. Hesitantly you streched the tips of your fingers against the blond haired boy and his hand emitted warmth when being met with your fingertips. He smiled before turning back, his eyes forming into half moons as charming dimples errupted on his lean cheeks.

You bowed to the other staff members on your way out of the building on your way to meet Bangchan and Jisung in the changing room. The waterbottle in your hand almost slipped as you took another clunck of the fresh water and that’s when you noticed something. Stopping in the hallway where the stylists room was located you inspected the waterbottle and saw a black marker scribble on the wrapper around the bottle. Upon removing it your heart stopped. Your knees could give up at any moment from the sheer shock. Am I losing my mind? A number was loosely doodled on the white plastic wrapper and underneath it there was a message.

Call me

// Hyunjin

𝕋𝕒𝕘𝕝𝕚𝕤𝕥

@vogueinnie @that-anxious-bisexual @putmetogetheragain13 @hyunsluvv @lawleighette @meow-minho @minaamhh @ohmysparkle @hwangi @rindomo @fleeingreality @nycol-ie @jisungsplatforms

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emmyhem · 4 years ago

Text

right where you left me (l.r.h)

a/n: hi everybody! so this is a bit of a longer one that is inspired by the song “right where you left me” by taylor swift on evermore. it’s one of my favorites by her because i love the writing and the concept. whether you’re a taylor fan or not i suggest reading and then listening to the song with the fic in mind, it makes the song hit extremely hard. also expect more taylor inspired stuff in the future because she’s one of my all time favorite artists. this one is sad but i live for the angst so what’re you gonna do? my calum piece, “everything you’re missing” should be up by the end of the week and i’m working hard on my very first michael and ashton pieces as well, which is really exciting. anyway i hope you all enjoy and are being safe (get vaccinated if you can!) once again my messages are always open and feedback/criticism is always appreciated. hugs and kisses to all, thanks - emmy <33

pairing: luke hemmings x fem!reader

summary: you met 20 year old luke hemmings in a coffee shop eight years ago and were sure your life had been decided. you once told him you’d wait for him until you were sure he was happier without you. you never thought that day would actually come.

warning(s): angst, cursing, alludes to possible infidelity, it’s a sad one so buckle in.

word count: 6.2k

Current time - December 14th

The familiar ring of the entrance bell pulled your attention from the worn book beneath your fingers to take a routine glance at the patrons rushing in from the early December chill. Mitten covered hands, and icy cold flushed cheeks entered one after the other. Your typical seat in the corner of the small cafe was shielded from the penetrating winds that accompanied each person in their entrance but you still shivered in sympathy at each new arrival.

Your steaming earl grey had faded into a tepid puddle at the bottom of your mug as the hours passed on the analog clock that adorned the brick wall in the front. Olive, a barista you had become friendly with over the years approached your table with the cafe’s winter speciality, an orange cranberry muffin in hand.

“Last one.” she said, sitting it on a pine green napkin in front of you.

You reached into your purse for a few spare bills to cover the cost when she stopped you by placing a hand on your forearm.

“On the house for our favorite customer.” her eyes were filled with pity as she nodded down to you, and you were too tired to feel embarrassed.

“Thanks, Liv.” you sighed.

“It’s my pleasure, besides I always feel like we’re robbing you when you pay full price, you only ever eat half anyway.” she added as she walked away.

You picked at the baked good, memories flooding your brain with each bite.

Eight years ago - December 14th

As you clutched your books with a death grip you cursed yourself for forgetting your gloves in your dorm. The wind was picking up and it wouldn’t be long until they were numb completely, and your sweater paws were less than effective in warming your frozen fingers.

A flickering red light glowed just a bit down the street and a sugary citrus aroma was pulling your stiff limbs towards it against the wind. The closer you got the more mouthwatering the smell became and soon enough you had reached the door, bracing yourself for the chill of the copper handle as you pulled it open.

Sweet, warm air enveloped you as you stepped inside. The red brick walls were chipped in more than a few places, red and green christmas lights twinkle from a tree in the corner, and the crackling of the fireplace was like music to your ears. You wondered how you had never noticed the quaint cafe before as you took your place in line behind a tall man wearing only a thin black hoodie and beanie for protection from the cold weather. As you got closer to him a piney scent cut through the sweet smell of pastries and you caught yourself leaning in to get a better whiff of its freshness.

Your eyes scanned over the menu that hung behind the cash register while he ordered and did your best to ignore the chill that ran up your spine when his soft aussie accent invaded your ears.

Once he finished and stepped off to the side to wait for his order you moved forward and placed your books on the counter.

“Hi, how can I help you today?” a young ginger barista with an abundance of freckles said.

“Hi,” you paused and located her name tag. “Olive, I’ve never been here before but there's this smell that-”

“Our orange cranberry muffins.” she interrupted pointing to a chalkboard in front of her that read, “Warm up with a wintery treat, try our famous orange cranberry muffin today!”

Your stomach growled quietly at the thought as you nodded.

“I would love one of those and...a medium early grey, please.” you replied, pulling a 10 dollar bill from your pocket.

“Sadly, we have just sold our last one to the customer in front of you.” she nodded to the enticing blonde man that had caught your attention earlier, who was now staring down at his black vans as he shifted his weight from one leg to the other.

You narrowed your eyes at the muffin thief when he glanced up at you innocently while accepting his coffee from another worker.

“We do still have our gingerbread and pumpkin muffins if you’d be interested in one of those instead.” Olive continued motioning a hand to the glass display of tasty treats to your right.

You let out a disappointed huff, “That’s okay, just the tea please.”

You paid for your order making sure to leave a few extra dollars in the tip jar before taking a seat on a worn burgundy couch near the fire to wait for your drink.

Leaning your head against your hand for support you allowed your eyes to drift closed and listen to the pops and crackles of the fire meshing with the soft holiday music echoing through the place. You only opened your eyes back up at the feeling of the couch dipping beside you.

Sitting too close to not acknowledge, was the boy from earlier who was now alternating sips of what smelled like a strong latte with bites of the muffin that could’ve been yours.

“Are you doing this on purpose?”

His head snapped in your direction at the sound of your voice, and he finished chewing before responding.

“Doing what?”

“Taunting me with your stupid muffin.” you were aware of how childish you sounded but hunger had always brought out the irrational side of you.

“It’s actually quite delicious.” he smirked, ignoring your frustration.

You groaned in jealousy, “Don’t rub it in.”

Realization sparked in his eyes.

“Got the last one didn’t I?”

You nodded.

“M’happy to share.” he grinned, breaking off half and holding it out to you.

“No, really it’s fine. I’m just being annoying.” you waved him off.

“I’m not annoyed. Really, take it. I’d have to throw it away otherwise.”

Your eyebrows raised at his comment.

“I’m stuffed.” he explained, patting his stomach twice.

“I don’t believe you, but I’m starving and this smells incredible.” you responded, accepting the baked good.

You closed your eyes and let out a satisfied hum after biting into it.

“Holy shit, this is like the best thing I’ve ever eaten.”

The boy watched you and laughed at every pleased noise that you released.

Once you had finished your half you turned back to see him still watching you, he had scooted even closer to you and your knees knocked together at your movement.

“Thank you, that was amazing. Although it was pretty rich I don’t think I could eat a whole one either.”

“Your welcome,” when he paused you realized you hadn’t even introduced yourself but still stole half of this guy’s muffin.

“I’m y/n.” you filled in.

“Luke.” he returned.

You nodded and repeated it, testing how it felt on your tongue.

“Thank you again, Luke.”

The two of you began talking about, school, work, music, your favorite movies, astrology, anything really. By the time you glanced up from the conversation the cafe was nearly empty and the fire in front of you had burnt out leaving a smoky debris hanging in the air.

“I think they’re closing.” you said while checking the time on your phone.

“Fuck, I’ve got a paper due tomorrow.”

“Sorry, I kept you back.” you apologized, both of you gathering your things as you talked.

“No, s’not your fault.” he dismissed as you both began to walk to the door.

Standing a few feet away from the exit you could already feel the nip that was permeating through the glass, it sent a chill through your spine making you wiggle your shoulders. As you stared at the floor over the books in your arms, trying to decide what the best way to ensure you would see Luke again was, you heard the buzz of a zipper. You lifted your head to see your new acquaintance removing his arms from the sleeves of his black hoodie.

“Are you crazy? It’s freezing out there.”

“I know, you’re shivering.” he answered, swinging the fabric behind your back until it dropped and wrapped around your shoulders. He pulled on the sleeves till they were hanging in place and you watched through your lashes, completely in awe of his concentrated expression.

“Luke, I can’t wear this you’ll freeze and I can’t just take your clothes.”

“C’mon of course y’can. I’m warm blooded. I'll be fine and you aren’t taking it. I’m gonna want to come in for one of those muffins tomorrow and you know I can’t eat the whole thing, so you’ll just have to be here to share with me. We meet, we eat, I retrieve my jacket, all is right in the world.” He smiled through his words, attempting to warm you up by rubbing his hands up and down your shoulders quickly. “Think you can do that?”

“I’m sure.”

“Excellent. Meet me here at 9:00 tomorrow.”

You nodded as he pushed the door open and despite him trying to act unaffected you could tell from his rigid stance he was freezing.

“I’m counting on you alright? Stay warm, y/n.” he reiterated through chattering teeth before exiting the shop.

Current Time - December 14th

When they talk about one moment defining your life it seems silly, and unrealistic. One day of your life is hardly even a blip so one minute defining everything seems completely ludacris. You would have never bought into it eight years ago, right up until Luke muttered those three words to you before braving the cold.

“Stay warm, y/n.”

He said it and you had one of those moments. One of those, “and then everything changed.” moments.

You had always been sure that your purpose would come to you later in life, maybe you’d have a spiritual awakening while in some foreign country. Maybe you’d read a book that would change your view on everything, or god forbid you’d have a close encounter with death and the epiphany would come then. You would’ve never guessed that a nearly missed encounter with the world’s best muffin and a lanky Australian guy would do it.

But here you were eight years after the encounter, your hair was longer, the crinkles that appear by your eyes when you smile now linger, and Luke was nowhere to be seen, but some things haven’t changed at all. A half eaten muffin, the comforting cafe, and your unwavering certainty that your life’s purpose was to love and to be loved by Luke Hemmings all remained.

Seven years ago - March 27th

The door swung open to a positively beaming Luke, he leaned in to press a swift kiss on your cheek before hurriedly pulling you inside.

“I have a surprise for you.”

“You do?” you questioned, taking notice of the subtle burnt smell in the air and the smoky atmosphere of his apartment.

He nodded excitedly pulling you by the hand into the kitchen where you were met with messy countertops packed full of lumpy and slightly charred muffins. Your mouth fell open and you turned to face your boyfriend who was smiling timidly at you, eyes scanning over your face.

“I made you our muffins.” he smiled, proudly looking at his work.

“Wha- how? How did you even get the recipe?”

“Olive helped me out.” He responded, taking a seat on one of the bar stools by the island.

“Lu, this is incredible. Thank you.” you praised, moving to stand between his legs.

“I hope they turned out good. Y’know baking is a lot harder than it looks.” he tutted while unwrapping one for you. “Open up.” he instructed, tapping your chin.

Your teeth struggled to bite through the dense baked good, and while your taste buds fought with the bitter crumbly substance you questioned whether Luke had actually followed any recipe at all because what you were eating tasted nothing like the warm, gooey, and tart treat that the two of you had come to love.

You chewed slowly to avoid swallowing and kept your face as neutral as possible.

“How is it? Good?” he spoke nervously and the little glint of hope in his eyes forced you to swallow it down and paint on a pleased smile.

“Mmm” you moaned “It's delicious, Luke.”

“Yeah?” he beamed.

“Really good.” you nodded, your eyes drifting longingly to the sink. In that moment you would’ve killed for a glass of water.

“Wow, I mean I thought they’d be alright but this is great. Lemme try.” he brought your muffin up to his mouth and in a panic you snatched it from his hands, squeaking out a small “No!” before shoving the rest of it in your mouth.

“Babe, there’s plenty, no need to be greedy.” he laughed while unwrapping another. And you really should’ve thought this through because with puffed out cheeks full of possibly the worst muffin in history you took a step back and watched him bite into one. His face twisted in disgust and he quickly spit what he had taken back into the wrapper.

When he looked back up to you, you were standing there with a full mouth and wide eyes. He cocked his head to the side in confusion, “You enjoyed that?”

The second you shrugged your shoulders, feigning innocence Luke burst into a sharp cackle, his legs kicking up into the air from the force of his laughter. You took that as an opportunity to run to the trash and rid yourself of the awful taste in your mouth.

Luke was still struggling to catch his breath while you finished pouring yourself a glass of water.

“It’s not funny, Lu.” you argued between sips.

“Why didn’t you just spit it out?” he chortled, beckoning you closer with grabby hands.

“Because, it was so sweet.” you reasoned.

“Really? I would argue it was more rancid than sweet.”

“Not the muffin you goon, the gesture.” you elaborated, smacking his shoulder.

“I can’t believe you ate the whole thing.”

“Shut up. I was trying to be nice.” you pouted.

“Hey,” he said, standing and opening his arms. “M’sorry I know.”

You waddled into his embrace, wrapping your arms around his back.

“I love you for that.” he sighed, before kissing the top of your head.

You froze in his hold, those three unexpected words echoing through your head.

“You what?”

His chest shook lightly as a laugh fell from his mouth.

“I love you.” he repeated. It was so nonchalant, as if he’d said it to you a hundred times before. “You alright with that?”

You nodded before pulling back just enough that you could see his face.

“I love you.” you returned.

Luke’s hands cupped your cheeks, a groan passing his lips before he pressed a soft kiss to your now pouty mouth.

“Say it again.” he pleaded into your mouth.

“I love you.” you sighed, chasing his lips with your own.

“And again, and again, and again…” he continued, rewarding you with one lingering peck for each declaration.

“Mmm” he hummed in content when he decided he was satisfied. “Never stop saying it.”

Current Time - December 14th

A whirlwind romance like the one that the two of you had shared was never meant to be sad. It was the kind of love that constantly feels like a cheesy montage full of sweet moments that happens at the end of a rom-com. Unsuccessful baking attempts, cozy study dates, spontaneous weekend trips, hundreds of shared muffins, piggy back rides home from the bar, that’s what made you Luke and y/n.

The two of you didn’t do well with the hard stuff and it worked because there just wasn’t any. Everything was easy and it felt good. It felt right.

It had never even occurred to you that the hard stuff was part of any great love, that inevitably one day things would get hard. It really hadn’t occurred to you that pushing through the hard stuff was something that Luke may not be up for. Because you were and you always had been, all in.

Six years ago - February 17th

You had gotten home late after a long shift at the library you worked at part time . Luke was sitting on the couch scribbling something in a notebook and taking tiny sips of his steaming cup of tea, too impatient to wait for it to cool properly.

You’d been listening to an audiobook while organizing the shelves that day and the somber tone of it had seriously dampened your mood. It also made you extremely grateful that you had Luke to cuddle away all your sorrows.

He had noticed your sad expression the second he saw you and was quick to pull you into his arms and press you for information.

“What happened baby?” he cooed as you nestled as close into him as physically possible.

“Sad book.” you mumbled into his chest.

“Aw, love you shouldn’t let that stuff get to you. S’not real, there’s no need to get upset.” This was something you had heard plenty of times before, seeing as you were an extremely emotional person and felt things strongly.

“It was so sad though, bubs.” You reasoned that talking through it with someone else might dull the ache that it had left on your taut heartstrings. You explained the whole plot, how the couple had met on a plane and spent their two separate vacations together and along the way fallen in love. Luke would hum or nod every so often indicating he was listening but you knew most of his focus was on the fact that you were tearing up through your explanation. He let his lips rest along your hairline as you got to the climax of the story, speaking through cracks in your voice to tell him that they had lost each other’s numbers on their way back and while the woman was able to move on and find love later in life, the man waited at the airport for years hoping that one day he would see her again.

Luke’s hand ran through your hair while your head rested on his chest.

“I don’t think there’s anything romantic about it. It’s just sad.” he concluded.

“I disagree.”

“Really?”

“I’d wait for you.” you confirmed, running your fingers over the fabric of his shirt.

“Not forever though,” he added.

“I’d wait until I knew you were happier without me.”

“Yea, me too.” he agreed.

“I’d never be happier without you.”

Current Time - December 14th

One thing that you never doubted in your relationship was whether or not Luke loved you. You knew he did. It was something that had always been casual between the two of you, it was as much a greeting as it was anything else.

As the sun rose and broke through your curtains the words to break the silence that lingered from the night before wasn’t “Good morning” it was “I love you.” Before leaving for work instead of an impersonal “Bye!” you shouted “Love you!” through the closing door of your apartment. It was a phrase that had been repeated millions of times, and despite the casualness of it all, it never lost its meaning.

Even now, five years since you’d last seen him you knew with every bone in your body that no matter where he was right now, half the world away or two blocks downtown, he still loved you.

Luke always kept his promises, a million times he had promised that he would always love you. And a million times you had promised it right back.

A hundred years apart wouldn’t change that, let alone five.

Five years ago - December 13th

You watched the snow fall from the living room window, what you would normally find peaceful was making you go insane. It had been perpetually silent around your apartment for the past couple of weeks. Luke was hardly ever home, when asked he would tell you that he had a big project at work and needed to teach the new intern how things were done in the office. You hadn’t thought much of it, there were times when you were busy and had to put things with him on the back burner to focus on the uncertainty of work. It had never been an issue because as far as you were concerned things were set between you and Luke. There was the unspoken promise of forever.

Of course, that didn’t stop you from missing him tons. On this specific occasion the cold weather had left you with clogged sinuses and a bad headache, one that you would typically soothe with a cup of earl grey from the cafe and an abundance of snuggling. Since Luke wasn’t around to fulfill your touch deprivation you decided that wearing one of his favorite sweatshirts would have to do for now.

You blindly reached into his drawer to search for it but stopped when your hand caught on a folded piece of paper. You pulled it out and walked to the bed, flicking on the lamp as you sat. Once the light turned on you were able to see it clear as day, two airline tickets to Sydney departing on the 20th and returning on January 3rd. The two of you had briefly discussed travelling to Australia at some point so you could finally meet his family but nothing had ever been confirmed.

The naivety that had always been a part of who you were began to connect non-existent dots with hopeful lines. Luke was planning on surprising you with Christmas in Australia with his family. It explained why he was never home, it also explained the secretive phone calls you had started picking up on after he scurried out of bed in the middle of the night a while ago to speak to someone in hushed tones just outside the bedroom door.

That night when he finally got home at nearly eleven you had made sure to leave half a muffin with a note that read, “Miss you, stud muffin. You work too hard. Love you -y/n” on the kitchen counter. From where you laid in bed, you could hear him laugh as he read it aloud. You quickly sat up in bed when the laughs you were reveling in started to sound like sobs.

The dim lighting in the kitchen didn’t stop you from seeing the tears on Luke’s face as he looked up to where you stood, stunned in the hallway.

“What’s wrong?” you hurried to him.

He made a sniffing sound before gathering you in his arms. He held you so tight that if it wasn’t so sincere it might’ve hurt.

“Lu, what’s going on.” you squeaked out.

He tightened his arms around you and nuzzled his face into your hair, emitting soft cries every so often.

“I love you, y/n.”

“I know. I love you too.”

“I swear I’ll always love you. I swear.”

“I know. Hey, Lu I know.” you soothed as his breaths became more labored.

At some point you had managed to calm him down and coax him into bed, you reasoned that he was just so tired that his feelings got the best of him, something that had happened to you many times before. And honestly you were just happy to be back in his arms once again, so when he was wrapped around you in bed, his hands playing with your hair like they always did when he got anxious, you didn’t think twice about it when he said,

“We need to talk tomorrow, over breakfast. We can go to the café if you want?”

You nodded against his chest as sleep overtook you, the last thing you heard being “I promise I’ll always love you.”

Current Time - December 14th

Your reminiscing was interrupted by a high pitched screech from the front of the cafe. When you followed the sound your eyes landed upon a distressed toddler, about three years old if you to guess, who was pouting up at a tall, gorgeous woman that was apologizing profusely to Olive for her son’s outbreak. You wouldn’t have looked twice at the scene if it wasn’t for the way Olive’s troubled expression and wide eyes were directed precisely on you.

The child was screaming through his cries “I want daddy’s muffin!” His face was red and blotchy from tears and the cold weather but didn’t completely overtake his creamy skin tone that complimented his familiar blue eyes. He was an adorable kid, a full head of blonde ringlets and chubby cheeks that you were sure turned a light pink when he smiled.

He kind of reminded you of Luke. When the thought entered your head you were quick to dismiss it though, because if you were being honest most things reminded you of Luke.

“I’m so sorry about this. He isn’t normally so loud, it’s just that my husband loves these muffins and he promised Sammy one.” you heard the gorgeous woman say.

“It’s fine, the cranberry orange muffin is a big hit around here. They sell out almost everyday.” Olive responded, her eyes unbreaking from yours.

“Yea that’s what Luke always tells me.”

Five years ago - December 14th

The walk to the café felt longer than it typically did and you had no idea why, for some reason you didn’t notice that Luke was dragging his feet. Maybe it was because you were sure that this impromptu breakfast date was to tell you of the surprise Christmas trip to Australia. Maybe it was because any amount of extra time you got to spend holding Luke’s hand in your own you considered a gift.

When you finally arrived you were quick to usher him to your favorite table, one that was secluded in the corner, enough to have a bit of privacy but also allowed you to people watch on slow days and have telepathic conversations with Olive from across the room.

You noticed that Luke wasn’t eating after a few minutes, his muffin half sat untouched in front of him and his nervous demeanor was driving you crazy.

“I have to admit something.” you finally said, tired of the silence.

Luke nodded for you to continue but refused to meet your eyes as you spoke.

“I know about Australia, I found the tickets in your drawer so if that’s what you're so nervous about, there’s no need. Of course I’ll go with you, you have no idea how excited I am to meet your mom, she can finally show me all those baby pictures that she’s always telling me about.” you were so busy picturing your potential trip to Luke’s hometown that you didn’t notice Luke’s teared up eyes and anxious tapping.

“Y/n, the tickets aren’t for-” he cut himself off before the approaching crack in his voice could prevail. “I met someone.”

“Okay?”

You didn’t even know what that meant, he met someone? You met people all the time, what does that have to do with the trip? You lifted your mug to take a sip while you waited for him to continue.

“I mean I-I have feelings for someone, uh someone else.”

You didn’t even feel your grip release, you didn’t hear the shattering noise, you didn’t feel the scorching liquid seep through your top onto your skin.

Luke was leaving you. He fell in love with someone else. It was serious enough that he was bringing her home. Luke was leaving you. Luke was leaving you. Luke was leaving you.

“I don’t understand.” The crying had already begun, and although it didn’t surprise Luke he couldn’t bear to watch it. He stared at the spilled tea and shards of glass. The entire cafe’s eyes were on you and you didn’t even notice all you could see was that Luke’s weren’t.

“Look at me.” you pleaded. There was a time when he would’ve seen your face, seen how distressed you were and gone back on everything solely because it hurt him too much to see you hurt.

When did that stop? Why hadn’t you noticed?

“I love you y/n, really I do. But I love her too.”

“You love her more.” you didn’t even try to phrase it as a question, there was no point, you already knew the answer. He must’ve loved her more because he was leaving you for her. Luke was leaving you.

Your acknowledgement of his feelings didn’t make it hurt any less when he didn’t deny it. Luke was leaving you.

You sat in silence for at least five minutes, it felt like years. Luke watched you cry, fighting the urge to wrap you in his arms, and sway you back and forth until you stopped. He wouldn’t do that because it was selfish, it would ease his troubles more than yours, he deserved to see how his hurtful actions affected the one he swore to shield from any and all pain.

“I’ll have everything out of the apartment by the end of the week.”

The end of the week? You had planned on spending the rest of your life with him and he was telling you that he would essentially be out of your life by the end of the week. Luke was leaving you. None of it felt real.

“I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I love you.”

Watching him leave felt surreal, you couldn’t hear anything but your blood pumping, you hardly took any notice when Olive rushed to your table and pulled you into her embrace.

Luke left you.

Current time - December 14th

You could feel his presence as soon as he stumbled out of the bathroom.

How could you have missed him coming in?

You dragged your eyes up his body from his feet, and when they fell upon his face it was like someone had pressed play after fast forwarding through the years that had been taken from you. You weren’t 23 anymore, and Luke certainly wasn’t either. He’d always had a strong build, but he held himself differently now. He was confident and collected, very sure of himself. He had a bit of scruff lining his jaw but you could tell it was well kept and intentional and a pair of black rimmed glasses sat on the bridge of his nose. You reacquainted yourself with his appearance from your spot in the corner.

With each subtle change you catalogued in your brain, vivid images danced through your head, like a kaleidoscope of what could’ve been. You saw lazy Sunday mornings on the couch leisurely sipping coffee, the open windows next to you bringing in a sweet breeze making the house smell like fresh grass after it rains. You saw yourself pushing a stroller through a park, Luke chasing behind one of your little ones just a few feet ahead. You saw roadtrips, vacations, theme parks, crowded family dinners, trick or treating, white gowns, and wedding cakes. You saw binkies, and bottles, tangled sheets, ruffled hair, pecks on the forehead, lunch boxes, and I love you notes.

The last scene you saw, one that felt so real you could’ve sworn you were really there, started with Luke sitting on the floor surrounded in wrapping paper a toddler curled up in his lap. He wore flannel pajama pants and a ratty shirt he had purchased at the concert you went to for your third date. He took sips from his mug of lukewarm coffee every so often, and you were sure if you got close enough you’d be able to smell it on his breath, not that you would mind. His curls were grown out more than he typically liked them, they were messy from sleep and obstructing his vision slightly. Just as you reached out to brush them from his forehead, it was like you had been thrown backwards by a force strong enough to make your stomach drop.

Reality.

You could still see Luke from where you stood but he was so far away now. You reached your hand out again, gasping in shock when it hit a sheet of glass, you knocked against it firmly but nothing happened. It was like a window where you watched the scene unfold. A woman you had been in the same position as not seconds ago stood up and revealed her face. It was his wife, she handed Luke a small gift bag and waited patiently as he opened it. He acknowledged the gift, a framed photo of the two of them and leaned forward to press a thank you kiss to her lips.

“Stop!” you called.

No one can hear you.

“Luke, I’m right here.” you yelled, slamming an open hand to the glass.

Hot tears fell from your cheeks as you continued to knock and shout.

“Lu, please.”

As he pulled away from the kiss a grin plastered his face. And it hit you, he was happy. He really was happy.

Realization of the thing you dreaded the most in the world happened quickly, but not painlessly. Luke’s eyes flicked to your own, he saw you through the window. He saw you calling for him, crying for him, begging for him. He saw you and then he looked away.

And reality snapped you back yet again, right into the present moment. You were in your café, staring at your empty mug, your face felt hot and wet. When had you started to cry? You reached a shaky hand out for a napkin to wipe your tears, but ended up knocking the mini poinsettia pot in front of you over instead. A crash echoed through the café and everyone turned their attention to you and your frantic demeanor. Everyone, even Luke.

You forced your eyes up from the glass that sat shattered on the white tablecloth with slow movements and shallow breaths until they finally found the culprit, the reason for your pain. You could see right through the light blue of his eyes, shock and bittersweet nostalgia pooled in the cerulean waves.

Just like you were suddenly 29 and hurt when you saw Luke. He was suddenly 20 and enamored when he saw you.

He physically winced while taking notice of the black streaks that cascaded down your cheeks. It reminded him of leaving you. It was all his fault.

He met your gaze with a desperate one of his own, silently praying that you could still read him well enough to understand.

His eyes released unspoken declarations with every slow blink.

I can’t believe I’m seeing you. I miss you. I still love you. I’ll always love you.

You can’t be here right now. I’m with my family. I’m happy now. I’m happy without you.

Every silent, stabbing confession all summed up into one that you had been afraid of for the entire eight years that Luke Hemmings had stolen from you.

I love you, but somehow that stopped being enough.

The place was silent. All eyes on you.

“I’m so sorry.”

You weren’t quite sure who you were apologizing to or what for, it could’ve been to Olive for making yet another mess that she would end up cleaning. It could’ve been to all the customers you disrupted when you broke the flower pot. Or Luke’s son who you had stolen a muffin from. Or maybe his wife, that you had been demonizing in your head for years, seeing her only as the woman who stole the love of your life. It could’ve been to Luke, you were sorry you hadn’t taken him seriously, he was in love and he had a family and you were still waiting around for the day he decided to come back for you. The day that would never come.

Deep down though, you knew you were saying it to yourself. Eight years is a long time, you had stopped living for yourself a long time ago. You did miss Luke, of course you did but maybe part of the hole in your chest that you had been so desperately trying to fill, was yourself. You really missed you. You without Luke. How could you have forgotten about her?

“I have to go.” this time you knew exactly who you were talking to and as your feet carried you to the door you didn’t even contemplate turning around when Luke’s voice broke through the silence of the café to say,

“Y/n, wait!”

You kept walking, past the stunned patrons, past Olive, past Luke. You kept walking until you were sure that no one would catch up. You just kept walking because after all this time you were so done waiting.

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