#i love that you remembered fromdecimateddreams too lol

[pepperpottes]

Hey. It’s me, Anon again. I don’t honestly think you’d remember me - I was in when you were From Decimated Dreams, but we drifted a while back. I wasn’t so much a fandom person to be honest. Plus I was going through a horrible time around 2015 and left the app entirely. I was an awful person to be around / interact with then, I’m sure. Falling out of touch was probably my fault. But it still makes me nostalgic sometimes when I watch a movie or go to a concert that reminds me of you (went to Green Day this summer and had a lot of feelings about being a teenager while we’re on that theme). I’m actually at the gym right now, listening to Black Veil Brides on the treadmill, if that tells you how far back this goes (and how I am still cringe).

I read your post about life and your teenage self and I really felt it deep in my soul. I wanted to say that even though it’s been awhile, I never thought you weren’t smart or successful or interesting. You were (and are) a fantastic writer. I always admired how when you liked something, you LOVED it. Like your move, falling in love with something and going on a whim - that’s dedication and commitment. It’s what makes/made you such a good friend too. We knew you cared for us, fiercely. I’m sorry you couldn’t see it yourself back then.

(On a side note, I hope your mother is okay. My mother had cancer too recently and while we don’t have quite the same closeness as I think you and your mother have, that sort of thing happening to a parent is hard. I can’t even put into words the combination of existential dread and anxiety and fear and worry it’s left me with. You’re not alone in that.)

I guess what I want to say is you mattered back then and I’m glad time has helped you. You deserve it. (I wish I had the perfect fandom quote or emo song line to end here in the spirit of teenage angst and adult recovery, but I suppose you’ll just have to fill it in yourself if you think of it, alas.)

The BVB reference just did it for me. I'm like, 99.9% certain who you are, Anon (actually more like 100% certain, but I always doubt myself so I'm leaving that little 0.001% there). I won't drop a name for the sake of privacy on here but let me tell you I absolutely DO remember you, specifically as one of the best friends I ever had, and I've thought about you many, many times over the years. I've always wondered where you ended up and how things turned out for you. Falling out of touch is no one's fault--believe me, I'm terrible at keeping up with friends (and I wasn't exactly a peach in 2015 either!). I feel like i'm one of those "out of sight, out of mind" kinds of people who no one thinks about unless I'm literally standing in front of them, so I think no one remembers me, and I don't reach out. Weird, because I'm constantly thinking of people I've known and friends I've had, but there's that self-doubt again.

Speaking of BVB, it's crazy you mention that because I actually turned them on the other day for the first time in ages... on the treadmill, ironically. I think because the email I use for my AO3 is named after The Mortician's Daughter and logging back in reminded me, lol. (Or maybe it was the universe at play, knowing that we were going to reconnect like this.) And I'm still a HUGE Green Day fan too! I love that you still love them too and I bet you had a blast at the show. I haven't seen them in years, the last time actually was in DC many moons ago.

Fortunately yes, my mom is doing better now, and I hope the same for yours. You don't have to put any of it into words because honestly I can't either, but the words you did use describe it to a T. It's one of those things that's just always going to be there, I guess, and we just have to figure out how to rebuild our lives around it. Not a lot of people understand it, and I'm so sorry that you're one of them who does.

Yet again, you've got me a tad misty-eyed over here and I've been sitting for the last half hour or so trying to put into words how much this means to me right now. Those things you mentioned--those are the things I always thought made me weird or flighty, or too intense and unlikeable. I spent a lot of time trying to tone it down and I wish I hadn't. For what it's worth, I always felt the same about you. I wished I had even half of your smarts and talent and guts to go after what you wanted, and I knew you didn't see that in yourself either, but I did. I really, really hope that life has treated you well, because you also deserve all the good that the world has to offer. And seriously, if you ever want to come off anon and catch up, I would absolutely love that. If not I understand. But I'll be here, and I'm still on Facebook too.

I'll fill it in with a couple verses from 'All Signs Point to Lauderdale' by ADTR, which I always had on repeat in high school. I listened to it again recently and it hits different all these years later.

I hate this town, it's so washed up / And all my friends don't give a fuck Don't tell me that it's just bad luck / When will I find where I fit in? My world cannot ever bring me down / Gave everything I had to turn it back around Cause our time's worth something / Bigger than both you and me I can't live my life always backing down / I gotta do this right, then they can't make a sound Cause I'm not here for nothing / At least I can say I stand for something

Thank you for reaching out, my friend. <3