#i love reading through them but that's iT NOW no more monthly serotonin :((((

[thefrogdalorian]

The comic adaptation of Chapter 16 just arrived so I redeemed the digital copy to bless you all with the helmetless Din Djarin panels on this fine Saturday.

If anyone wants me I'll be crying... he looks so broken and smol. Poor Din 🥺

[mego42]

Shamelessly stealing @foxmagpie​’s monthly rec thing without the ability to get my life together to do these on a monthly basis so, seasonal recs! So excited to see if I manage to do this again with anything remotely resembling consistency but i’ve been keeping the notes for approximately 43 years (or since ~september, whatever that means) so by god i’m gonna use them. 

found my thrill - s_t_c_s / @sothischickshe​

Turner POV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

guys turner is SO OBSESSED with Beth and Rio

both canonically and in this fic

it’s gr9

also features a weirdly soothing and relatable cord untangling moment as a metaphor

truly disturbingly relatable turner pov tbh

relentless boomer disdain, always a plus

led to the creation of this monstrosity, not sure what kind of a monster would do that

War In My Mind - mintletters16

Backread!!!!

post-213, gorgeous character study 

guaranteed to make you feEl stUfF

I really love the like, cyclical, fractured pattern of Beth’s internal monologue, it gives the whole thing a really affecting at times dreamy, at times haunted vibe

the end twist is *chef’s kiss*

mourning bells - Ejunkiet / @ejunkiet​

Backread!!!!

Later s2 era, Rio’s at a funeral, gets drunk and calls Beth

V short, kind of…..mmm, not sweet, but almost? Idk

It’s got a wistful sort of almost/i can be quiet with you vibe that i go extremely bonkers for

delinquents - foxmagpie / @foxmagpie​

Lol are any of you actually not reading this yet?

g o d ch 8 where do i start

First off how ABSOLUTELY VERY DARE for the tragic angst that is delinquents!beth boland. This poor baby, this precious bean. MUST PROTEC

SHE’S TRYING HER BEST AND I LOVE HER

zero percent deserves dean’s clammy hands, no i have not forgotten, tattooed on my brain, will never forgive

I also love love love love LOVE the ruby/stan subplot happening

(and ruby’s mom!!!!!) (seriously though you write the best moms)

oh god and baby beth starting to have confusing feelings about rio?????? *chef’s kiss*

p sure i was just like, straight screaming the entire end of the chapter

the dugout is like, pure serotonin

I can’t even talk about the closet

tHe teNsiOn

thank you i will take eleventy billion

don't give it a hand, offer it a soul - medievalraven / @medievalraven

am a desperate heaux for any fic that features rio and mick friendship

you are all incredibly shocked i know

still would not be mad if this swerved into rio x mick fake dating but beth x rio is cool too i guess

Speaking of things i am a desperate heaux for: DIANE!!!!!!!!

and DATING ANNIE???????????? Blessed

honestly this fic is worth it purely for the assertion that mick watches queer eye

Why don't we go to Venus? - watermelonriddles / @bensonstablers​

another grief study! 

apparently i was working through some stuff in september, idk, that was like 4 years ago

considering it’s the premise of the fic, i don’t think it’s a spoiler to say this fic is canon divergent and working with the premise that rio killed beth in 302

he is uh, not coping well

extremely haunted you might say

lots of marcus and rhea which is a delight!

rhea is to good for him tbh

i said what i said

truly top notch dream (nightmare?) sequences

the conversation at the end is extremely uncalled for

drop the game - Ejunkiet / @ejunkiet​

Backread!!!!

Am going to die mad Beth and Rio didn’t hook up in 211 but luckily this fic scratched the itch 

(temporarily, it’s a fairly permanent itch)

Bonus rec: missing scene series i wanna do bad things to you featuring 2x02 and 2x04

Viva Voce - zetuslapetus / @querenaxx​

Whoops we woke up married Vegas shenanigans!! 

So cute!!!!! So sexy!!!!! 

What more do you want?

am desperately obsessed with how beth can’t help stalking rio

feels right, feels organic

this makes me feel a lot of stuff about how they could be without their canon garbage between them

🎶 we could’ve had it aaaaaaaaaaall 🎶

you showed me colors (i can't see them with anyone else) - gild_fire / @gild-and-fire​

really into the use of color to illustrate beth’s emotional state, i feel like there’s a word for that but idk what it is

UNIMPORTANT

really nice job capturing beth’s inner vulnerability balanced by her outer stubbornness

am DESPERATELY into Mick playing matchmaker

more please???????

Both Sides of the Law - JoeyLee / @joeyjoeylee​

LAW SCHOOL AU! I suuuuuuper love Beth and Rio here (alt pov!! a gift!!!!) I love how initially prickly they are, I love how it’s evolving into a grudging respect, I love how INCREDIBLY AND HILARIOUSLY OBSESSED WITH EACH OTHER THEY ARE and neither one of them seems to see it

listen I know we’re all already foaming at the mouth over this one but as it’s gonna go down as one of my all time favorites it bears repeating/rereccing

cannot stress enough how masterful the use of POV is here, both voices feel completely true and distinct and I love how the alternating chapters revisit, reveal and emphasize pieces of each other

i can’t talk about this fic without hyperventilating

I LOVE IT SO MUCH YOU GUYS

the slow burn is going to ACTUALLY KILL ME

rip, no regrats

Earned It - wakeupflawless / @wakeupflawless​

spanking

that’s it that’s the pitch

H O T

living for beth’s exit in the first chapter, rio and i are both incredibly into it

second chapter also features violently possessive Rio who cannot deal with anyone messing with his girl so if that’s your thing boy howdy get on it

shake, baby, shake - openhearts

backread!!!!!

according to my bookmarks this was a reread but ???????

must’ve read it in the fugue state that followed reading for a moment we were strangers which is gr9 and I believe I have recced it before. If not, horrible oversight, reccing it now

beth and Rio POV lead up to the bathroom break, beautifully done, low-key feel bad reccing it bc the end point of both chapters makes me want to throw things but it’s super worth it for the tEnsiOn. ENJOY

What the Sea Wants, the Sea Will Have - flashindie / @pynkhues​

I’m assuming all of y’all are already reading this

If not OH MY GOD FIX YOUR LIVES

P I R A T E  A U

I’m sorry maybe you didn’t hear me piRaTE aU

meticulously researched, brain-meltingly vibrant, already painfully sexy slow-burning PIRATE AU

god where to start okay so first off, the world-building here straight up breaks my brain, sophie’s put in the work and it SHOWS

second, the atmosphere. i’m generally a pretty like, vague mental picture sort of reader but the sensory detail here grabs you by the throat and like, forcibly hauls you in whether your brain’s wired that way or no

and hey speaking of throats if you, like me, go a little funny about the knees at the idea of beth holding a knife to rio’s throat (he’s fine, calm down), there’s a v excellent beth-in-a-barrel moment for you

oh christ and the sexy tension

it’s gonna be a race to see which slow burn takes me out first, this or law school

Stunner - foxmagpie / @foxmagpie​

Another high school AU, this time with baby Rio absolutely head over heels for his older sister’s bff

stunner!Rio has an emotional earnestness about him that I feel like delinquents!Rio has already outgrown and it’s so SWEET I can’t get enough

Desperately cute!!!!!!

alL he waNts iS foR beTh tO bE hiS girL

also unreasonably angsty???????

ANN ARBOR IS NOT THAT FAR MEGAN

A Heart's A Heavy Burden - tooshyforthis / @bathroombreaks​

Howl’s Moving Castle AU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love Howl’s!!!!!!!!!!!

perfect opp to roast Rio for being a Dramatique Heaux 

and it’s gonna be 9 chapters?????? H Y P E

author’s note boldly presumes I did not know I needed this AU when the reality is I did in fact know I needed this AU, I just wasn’t expecting anyone to deliver

so blessed

author also claims to not be team nose stud and yet it features prominently in all its magnificent glory

what is the truth dot gif

A Bit of a Stretch - septiembre / @septiembur​

SO????? CUTE?????????

would be on this list for Rio calling Beth E alone tbh

really really really really really love this Rio POV of being settled into a relationship with Beth

It manages to be sweetly domestic af while still holding the edge that makes brio brio which is a neat trick

@septiembur may be a witch

beth’s approach to getting rio to do yoga with her is hilarious and exactly right, canon-typical amounts of subtlety 

1000000/10

Post Break-Up Sex - femalegothic / @bethsuglywigs​

stg this was called Hit Shuffle

no matter

h O T

with a side of damn i’ve made some questionable choices in my life haven’t i introspection

(no regrats tho)

(esp not with this fic)

not the point of the fic by a long shot but i’m also extremely obsessed with Weed Eddie, so real

She drains my soul... she drains it not - niham87 / @niham87​

ABSOLUTELY OBSESSED WITH THIS CONCEPT

am a complete sucker for paranormal world building that satirizes bureaucracy 

Is that a trope? If so that’s my favorite

I did it. I’m picking a single favorite. You know what that is growth dot gif

ANYWAY i love the concept, i love the humor, i love beth instantly clicking with annie

I love her and mick’s sort of grudging professional courtesy

Love beth as a champion of environmental responsibility and all of the underworld being like …...okay??

cannot wait to see where this goes

Nine-Tenths - riosnecktattoo / @riosnecktattoo​

*INCOHERENT PTERODACTYL SCREECHING*

sometimes i think about rio putting beth’s hair in a ponytail and have to go lie down

science please explain why this rUinS mE

wait hold on i skipped ahead

HEY KIDS DO YOU LIKE UNBEARABLY CUTE DOMESTIC TENDERNESS

opens with rio sleepily holding beth’s hand to his heart so that’s the kind of thing you’ll be dealing with

uGH theY’RE sO CUTe

idk why precisely but rio adding hair ties to his bracelet collection is my undoing every time

Missed Call - foxmagpie / @foxmagpie​

Rio doesn’t come home from a job when he’s supposed to. Beth (and I!!!!!!!) slowly loses her mind

Truly a masterpiece of rising tension

Will literally never forgive her for calling this light angst

I was SO STRESSED OUT

The first person to point out there was an author’s note at the beginning I obvs didn’t read is getting blocked

crush - foxmagpie / @foxmagpie​

Listen even though this is centered around two OCs, they are OCs FROM a (n iconic) brio fic AND Beth, Ruby and Rio all make cameos (I mean, Rio’s pretty present since he lives in Mar’s mind rent free bc they are THE SWEETEST MOST ADORABLE BEST OF FRIENDS so idk if i’d call it a cameo but whatever)

and even if it didn’t feature any official GG characters I’d still rec is bc that’s mY SON AND this fic is TOO CUTE

I have so many feelings over mar and rio growing up and not knowing how to cope with girls becoming a Thing in their life and how it affects their friendship and mar feeling left behind but (SPOILERS) at the end of the story rio starts feeling that too and it’s so poignant knowing how that’s going to continue in delinquents

while mar may be my son, i also claim elena’s #1 stan status

before you’re like meg you’re only reccing it bc it’s a bday present ask yourselves do i really strike you as the kind of person that wouldn’t be equally obnoxious about this either way?

truly cannot fathom how hard i have fallen for these OCs i don’t normally do that

@foxmagpie is definitely a witch

The Ottoman - Niham87 / @niham87​

look i will be the first to admit that i don’t go near as bonkers over the ottoman line in 308 as y’all do

(don’t get me wrong, i love it!!! I love that he laughs and i love that she’s pleased it just doesn’t hit my lose my whole mind button like idk, the dubby or the 306 convo, idk why)

BUT i v v v much love the context this delightful Rio POV pwp gives it

am also absolutely feral for 209 missing scene fic

and anything that captures the complexity of Rio’s s3 feelings for Beth and how twisted they’ve become

so this scratches a bunch of itches, is what i’m trying to say

Bet On It - zetuslapetus / @querenaxx​

*INCOHERENT PTERODACTYL SCREECHING*

That’s what my brain does when I think about Beth and Rio meeting in ch 1

am DESPERATELY OBSESSED WITH the tension between the two of them in this fic

I love how it plays with the ways they have to rely on but don’t trust each other

plus FAKE DATING and BED SHARING (fair warning hasn’t happened yet but the set up is there)

originally supposed to be 2 chapters, already up to 4, prayer circle it goes on forever

do you like drugs (tonight) - s_t_c_s / @sothischickshe​

v important focus on hydration, other fic should take note

extremely about the use of cut to and then flashback to enhance the ‘we were on drugs’ vibe

speaking of, beth and rio absolutely would take ecstasy to prove they are fun bc they are the exact kind of idiots that would peer pressure themselves

so glad beth kept her purse, got a bit stressed there for a second, clutches in that kind of circumstance are A Risk

not that i would know

FLAWLESS USE OF VOICEMAIL TBH

really love the ongoing denial that they are remotely into each other while proceeding to demonstrate how they are in fact, extremely into each other, great vibe

rio dances

I know my brain broke too

mmmm bacon

Navigate A Broken Path - flashindie / @pynkhues​

*INCOHERENT PTERODACTYL SCREECHING*

I have a long standing tradition of getting unreasonably obsessed with side characters so i’m not like, entirely surprised by how obsessed i am with both Mick and Mary Pat but i never in a million years considered them as a ship

AND Y E T

they fit????? so perfectly?????? It’s amazing how she developes them individually enough that i look at them together and think ah yes this makes perfect sense for both characters

and they’re such an amazing foil to Beth and Rio? 

can ships have foils? do i know what a foil is? 

unimportant

GUYS you dON’T uNDERStAN d 

hell i don’t understand

how absolutely very dare you make me care about YET ANOTHER set of gg ‘verse children

do not read this fic if you have no interest in feelings you zero percent asked for

wHA t hAPPeNED iN aLASkA?????????

A Moment’s Silence - femalegothic / @bethsuglywigs​

*makes sign of the cross*

y’all are gonna make me rediscover religion

extremely appreciate the author’s note approach to backstory top notch prioritization

listen it’s basically 3k of beth deep throating rio idk what more you need me to say about it

it is…..good stuff

bless the kinkmeme or fest whatever we’re calling it

praise - civillove / @blainesebastian​

I mean you had me at “three times rio calls beth a good girl and one time he really means it”

ephemeral rio

I left that note for myself in here in the middle of the night and haven’t the foggiest what i was thinking but i stand by it none the less

okay okay i think i know what i meant, this fic (as do all of my fav civillove brio fics) has this sort of like, liminal, in the quiet moments feel to them that makes the moments and feelings somehow feel like i’m catching a glimpse of something secret and precious???

idk i just really like it okay

Heart and Soul - riosnecktattoo / @riosnecktattoo​

oh look more unbearably sweet domestic tenderness, this time to music

thank you ma’am for my life

rio remembers beth used to play piano and gets her one and revoltingly cute shenanigans result

also hilarity

and sexiness

this fic has it all, truly

shout out to mick who sees no reason to keep rio’s feelings to himself

good girls tumblr fic - prettylittlementirosa / @hypermania​​

cheating and reccing a whole series

It’s my list and i can do what i wanna

stop crying about it, it’s four fics and they’re all AMAZING absolutely impossible to pick a fav

truly flawless characterization, next level ability to capture evocative mood, cannot get enough

three’s a crowd: who knew ballroom dancing while dean watches and grinds his teeth could be so sexy 

(trick question everything about that premise sounds A++++ and boy howdy does it live up)

feel it on the way home: rio tries to break up with beth, it goes about as well as you’d expect

(thE angSty tenSioN)

i want to play the game: [from the floor] i’m still not ready to talk about it

(rio/turner, missing scene, 10000000% a taste of what went down in that hotel room)

june after dark: pitch perfect annie pov, really really love the take that Annie is the baby whisperer, can’t fully explain why but it feels incredibly right

(ANNIE X NANCY COULD WORK SO WELL YOU GUYS)

[asterekmess]

Werewolves and Why I Love Them

So, hi, my name is Tali and I’m a werewolf addict.

I’ve been pretty much obsessed with werewolves since right around the time I turned twelve. The entirety of Teen Wolf aside, I’ve loved them for years. I wrote my first novel about them. I dream about them regularly (like two days ago, for instance). The majority of my original fiction is about werewolves.

For the longest time I honestly didn’t understand why I loved them so much. I mean sure, I’m in love with nighttime and am fucking entranced by full moons. I guess that helps. But it always felt like so much more than that, to the point that I used to wish desperately that I would find out I was a secret werewolf and just hadn’t changed yet, in the same way other kids wished they had magic powers. My husband and I joke pretty often about how I’m just a lil more wolfy than is probably normal. Or catlike, we can never decide.

There’s a reason for that, that I’ve found makes so much fucking sense???

I’m neurodivergent. Specifically, I have ADHD. I’ve always had it, bc that’s how it works, but you’d be surprised at how much elementary school’s strict structuring and constant supervision can keep a people-pleasing, terrified of rejection, neurodivergent kid under control. I masked most of my symptoms and I masked them well. Even at home, to the point that although I was diagnosed really young, my mother was insistent that I had no need for medication or therapy to help me deal with the altered development of my brain.

Then came middle school and my rebellious stage, where I finally stopped acting the way other people wanted me to act. Boom. ADHD symptoms galore, and my mother was flabbergasted. I was about Twelve.

Cue the werewolf obsession.

It was only once I started learning about all the symptoms I’d just assumed everybody was dealing with and figured out how to examine the ways that my neurological disorder effected my life, that it all started to make so much more sense.

Dude, werewolves are basically hyped up embodiments of ADHD.

Now, do not misinterpret me. I’m not comparing ADHD people to dogs or animals of any kind. That’s not what this is about.

This is about werewolves being almost painfully realistic representations of many ADHD symptoms from inside the ADHD person’s head.

You see ADHD people onscreen rarely, and usually when they show up they’re presented in much the same way Stiles is in the first episode. Jumpy, Distracted, Hyperactive, Addicted to meds. It sucks. And even when there is good representation, what the audience sees is almost always the neurotypical point of view rather than the pov of the actual ADHD person. You see them doing things for seemingly no reason, reacting to nothing or getting worked up over tiny things. Even the good rep doesn’t really encapsulate what it’s like to be inside that person’s head.

In my experience, werewolves get that shit right, even though it’s on accident.

There are so many things we relate to werewolves that actually express ADHD symptoms incredibly well.

Noticing sounds that other people can’t hear. (The buzz of a lightbulb or the hum of the fridge)

Getting hopeless distracted by other people’s conversations, even if they’re all the way across the room, just because you latched onto their voice.

Having strong reactions to scents and tastes and textures, that leave you nauseous around certain foods and keep you from being able to walk through the chemical aisle at Wal-mart (or is that just me?).

Impulsivity that makes you do things even you can’t fully understand, including things that you didn’t actually want to do.

Emotions that run so high you don’t know what to do with yourself.

That constant buzzing under the skin that says be more do more be more do more until you just want to run until you exhaust yourself.

Zoning out and losing literally all sense of time, occasionally with a bout of memory loss.

Constantly being on guard in public and adjusting everything from your behavior to your personality just so you can seem “normal.” Until it’s like you’re two different people.

Being unable to properly express yourself with words and it getting so fucking frustrating that you want to just growl and bite and scream (howl) to make them back off until you can think again.

Having things about yourself that some people call gifts but that others call a curse and not knowing which one to believe.

Right down to routines (wolves are on a monthly routine) and meditation or focal points (anchors) being the only way to deal with the sensory overload and calm yourself down.

Lots of ADHD people I know are really tactile. It makes perfect sense. Touch releases happy chemicals and we are perpetually lacking the happy chemicals. I myself love tactility, if only from literally one person. The concept of “puppy piles” is so fucking nice I can’t even describe it. It gives me a fucking serotonin high just thinking about it.

The reassurance that the concept of “packs” brings, a community of people just like you who accept you and let you be yourself? People who will accommodate you without blaming you for making their lives more difficult? That is so much harder to find than you think, even amongst other neurodivergent people.

Not to mention, when a werewolf freaks out about the loud noise or jumps at the slam of a door across the house? People just accept it. No one questions it, cus’ “They’re a werewolf.”

Werewolf shows or books or fanfic show a werewolf acting in a way that ‘normal’ people would find incredibly weird, but from their point of view. They let the audience hear the noise that made the wolf react. They alter the lens (sometimes really badly) so that you get a visual representation of the wolf’s vision tunneling so they only think about that one thing right now and none of the rest of the world matters.

No calling them ‘obsessed’ or ‘sensitive’ or ‘paranoid.’ No viewing them as ‘That annoying character who freaks out at nothing.’ Now the audience can see the cacophany of having that mindset and those feelings. They actually understand.

When I read about werewolves, I feel like I’m reading my own fucking thoughts. Yes, my dude, I totally feel you. The squeak of that person’s brakes might not bother anyone else because they can tune it out, but you can’t and it feels like the loudest sound in the world. No one else can smell that scent on the bed or the couch from like three weeks ago, but by god it’ll give you a fucking headache when you’re trying to sleep. Running off all that energy must be nice. I too lose my temper at the tiniest things for no discernible reason and have feelings so intense that I can’t breathe. I feel you about there being too much going on all the time, and I can’t get my homework done either.

It’s no fucking wonder that Stiles fits in so well with werewolves.

For ages I thought I was a total freak for being so obsessed with werewolves, but it’s just because I relate to them so damn much. Mystery solved, I can go back to my fanfic in peace.

Tldr; Werewolves are good ADHD rep and you won’t change my mind.

[k0mmentary]

November Playlist

In no particular order, here are the 20 songs on my November playlist (with a few thoughts thrown in). Any song recommendations for me? Let me know!

WAVE - Limesoda

I found this song through mera’s video and fell in love right away. It has this sort of melancholic quality I really enjoy in gg music in particular, and the “no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-more” has been stuck in my head for weeks.

Bad Idea - Moonbin & Sanha

Now this is a proper sub-unit! The song is so good (let’s go funky guitar!), the styling was immaculate, and these two paired together really nicely. I wasn’t waiting for the rest of ASTRO to pop out any moment, and I never felt like Sanha or Moobin overpowered the other. 10/10 comeback (or is it a debut?).

Why Not? - LOONA

Why Not? is what I wanted So What to be. Especially the last section post-bridge, the instrumental develops a really nice momentum and a layered-quality that makes the emptier beginning of the song feel worth it. I have no clue what is going on in the LOONAverse but I like this musical direction for them. Plus Yves is hot. 

We Lost the Summer - Tomorrow x Together

I found this pandemic song to be charming and genuine rather than empty. I’m not a high school student, but I do work with teenagers (and just graduated uni spring of 2020), so I could relate to this a lot. Plus I appreciate the dichotomy of the funky, summery instrumental and the lyrics. 

I CAN’T STOP ME - Twice

I pretty much like every Twice title track, and this was no exception. I wish they had committed a little more to the retro aesthetic, and the denim outfits were personally offensive to me, but this song has nice energy and flows well from one section to another.

positions - Ariana Grande

I don’t particularly care for the lyrics or message of this song, but the melody is perfection and Ari’s voice is beautiful. 

Kill V. Maim - Grimes

This song got me through the more stressful moments of the US presidential election. I found it from a WWX edit on twitter (if u know, u know...) and that makes the listening experience 10x better, ngl. 

Grow - HOAX

I think I found this on Tik Tok? But the lyrics (”don’t you want to go outside?”) have felt relevant in my darker quarantine moments. 

ALIEN - Lee Suhyun

Her voice is so, so lovely, and this song has that melancholy quality I won’t shut up about. I also really appreciate that this doesn’t sound like an AKMU reject and let’s her establish an identity as a soloist. I loved the styling and the MV, too! 

BETTER - Twice

Twice’s earlier Japanese releases were major no’s for me, but everything from Breakthrough until now has been exactly to my taste. BETTER sometimes feels a little disjointed or rushed, but it has all the qualities of a Twice song I will enjoy, so...

Maze in the Mirror - Tomorrow by Together

This remains my favorite TXT song, so it’s pretty much always on my monthly playlists. I find this song to be soothing and easy to listen to but not without momentum (I am generally not a fan of slower or acoustic ballad-y songs). The more stripped-down production highlights the vocal blend of the members well, and I think the song builds to a satisfying conclusion. 

Black Mamba - aespa

I was pleasantly surprised by this song! I think the girls’ vocals are nice and the chorus is satisfying, especially when paired with the visuals of the choreography or music video. I’m not super compelled by the whole avatar concept, but I’m excited to see where SM takes this group nonetheless. 

So Bad - STAYC

I love this song. It took a few listens for me to get into it, but now I cannot stop singing the chorus. There’s nothing particularly revolutionary about this song or the concept, but it’s a pretty classic gg formula executed well.  

Blue Hour - Tomorrow x Together

Okay I promise I didn’t realize how much TXT was on here until I started typing it out. More on this here.

How You Like That (Cover) - A.C.E

If you haven’t heard this cover, literally stop reading this and go listen to it right now. If there’s one thing A.C.E is gonna do, it’s sing. Donghun is one of my favorite vocalists in kpop (important video for reference), and the harmonies they hit in this cover...oof. HYLT is one of my least favorite Blackpink releases for a whole host of reasons (and this cover didn’t really do a lot to change my perspective on the original) but it is such a rare display of killer vocal technique and actual singing uncomplicated by choreography or complicated stage manoeuvres. This cover actually made me bust out the old YouTube to mp3 converter, that’s how good it was.  

MAGO - Gfriend

They are hot, disco is fun, bury me in any of their stage outfits this comeback. Also Yuju on the pole???? hello???????

Blue Orangeade - Tomorrow by Together

This is just embarrassing at this point. This song is pure serotonin tho and let’s be honest...we need it.

Sorry Mama - DKB

This is an early 2020 release I only recently stumbled upon. The MV is perfectly passable, and the chorus lyrics do feel a little silly, but the juxtaposition of whoever is singing the backing vocals and the tense, almost growled delivery by DKB’s members is great. This instrumental isn’t overly full, either. 

Dis-ease - BTS

My favorite track from BTS’ most recent release, this song is a little like Why Not? in that the second half makes the first half worth it. I love BTS with all my heart but haven’t been compelled by a lot of their recent stuff; this song was a pleasant surprise upon first listen and has only grown on me since then.

[awomanthinks]

Another day, more thoughts

   It is a new month. I hope this month brings us all unity, strength, compassion for ourselves and others and I hope we are able to conquer what we want to conquer and conquer all the things that are put in our path that we have no choice but to face. I have made the habit of listening to meditations before bed and throughout the night and I would suggest that for anyone that has nightmares or uncomfortable sleeps like myself. Good day and I wish you all abundance, love for yourself first and foremost, and then for others. Good luck in your endeavours. Stay strong.

I don’t know how many people read my last post, I’m not too concerned. It was my first post. I have been telling myself not to get deterred from continuing to post my work just because it didn’t fluke into getting a million likes on my first post. I’ve deleted things I’ve written, painted, drawn, etc in the past because of this. I call myself a realist but I’m also an insane perfectionist which is admittedly an extremely toxic trait. It’s good in some ways but not great in others. I don’t hold everyone else to the same standard I hold myself- Actually in the past I have loved and cared for people that couldn’t do as much as hold themselves accountable for their actions, let alone actually change their actions all together. At least I learned. Being a perfectionist does not make me perfect, I will never be perfect, and I don’t view myself as anywhere near perfect so don’t worry.. When I say that  I’m a perfectionist I certainly do not mean that anything I do I believe is “perfect” really to me it means the opposite.. It means to me that I sort of view everyone else as perfectly imperfect even when they make mistakes, I’m always a warm and comforting person willing to offer love to people who are struggling with themselves whether it be a “small” mistake they’ve made OR if they’ve done something that would be considered horrible by most. I’m a very forgiving and non judgemental person- To others. 

   When it comes to myself though, I often hold a grudge. I have managed to get a lot better with positive “self-talk” but it is a full time job. To transition from toxic, negative, hateful internal dialogue that is always beating me up on the inside and trying to kill me at a rate that my doctor described as a 20% faster rate of thought than the average person. Resulting in a brain that races and doesn’t ever stop having thoughts zooming through, transitioning to a more loving, positive, kind, forgiving, internal dialogue… I’m proud to say it really is improving, after about eight years of practicing techniques that started out with “The Secret” and it’s ideas on how to change your life and then in combination with many other metaphysical books and studies and much meditation I am finally reaching a point where my thoughts are actually just more positive. It took a long time of combatting thousands of negative thoughts an hour. Not just “negative” either, hateful, suicidal VISIONS, consistent throughout the day, beating me up internally so that at one point I would wake up and look at my phone and then smash my head back onto the pillow and angrily fall back asleep so that I didn’t have to hear my brain because it was so angry and hateful at me. 

     It went from all those type of thoughts turning to impulsive, self deprecating actions, a constant cycle of this lead to now starting to have more of an inner peace.. When I do have a thought that falls into the category of negative it isn’t nearly as morbid, and it is immediately met with 10 positive affirmations to heal my moment of negativity. Although, if it is a RATIONAL negative thought because I have become more at peace with myself I am able to cope with negative feelings because I would be delusional to truly believe a life without negative feelings, thoughts, and emotions would be achievable.. It sounds great in theory but when it’s sunny all the time you get a desert so they say. ( In 2020 you can survive in a desert but once upon a time if you stumbled onto a desert you wouldn’t last very long without water so it wasn’t always a nice vacation spot and was once a death sentence, thus the saying) So my point being that without the occasional acknowledgement of reality which comes with what we have labeled “negativity” nothing would really be positive anymore because there would be no opposite to compare it to so it would just be. You can’t have one without the other. Eventually so much positivity there would still be negative because what is slightly less positive would be not as good which would mean in comparison to the really good it would be negative! Well in my humble opinion that makes sense using logic. 

        Anyway I’ve gone off on a tangent. My point is that I’m hard on myself. I’m actively working on being hard on myself in a “tough love” kind of way vs. the previous self loathing kind of way that was destroying me and pushing away everyone that even attempted to become close to me. I had been studying ways to counteract my brains attempts to self destruct for years. It was all great and I loved studying it. I only ever found my way back to these books when I was sober, though I read books on the subject and as many videos as I could find, between 13 and 16 I didn’t take it all too seriously.. I DID love reading about it, trying to practice it. I loved sharing the self help methods with my friends and discussing them. I loved bonding with them over their coping mechanisms and techniques. Once I began matching each negative thought with a positive one I began to realize how many negative thoughts I was having and really listening to them and hearing them. Amidst my young search in the realm of spirituality I became intrigued by drugs as many of the people close to me are aware but maybe someone who comes across this won’t be. I watched documentaries about acid, mushrooms, ecstasy. When I first fell in love with the idea of “expanding my spirituality with drugs” I swore to myself I was only interested in the spiritual ones. I didn’t have a good support system in my life. I was in a broken home where I did not feel loved, appreciated, valued, accepted, nurtured, cared for, or wanted. Those were the things I did not feel.. The things I did feel were broken, sad, angry, frustrated, neglected, older than I was, burdened with responsibility, like an outcast, like i was ugly, like i was fat, like I was the reason for every moment my mom was unhappy. It felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders and these were only the emotions being carried from day to day within my upbringing. Not to mention the aftershock of traumas that occurred within the home that were never a priority for anyone to help me heal and because of that at the time I didn’t know what trauma really was and therefore it wasn’t a priority of my own to heal. Not to mention all of the experiences I had with my peers at school that broke me down over the years as well. 

    Although I took interest in the spiritual drugs, I also studied the other drugs and didn’t plan on ever doing them. I was afraid to do acid because of it’s being man made, I didn’t trust it with my already fragile mental health. I stuck to that throughout my teenage years and still into adulthood- I did try acid twice. Half a tab. Both times it was uncomfortable and I call this stuff acid but I’m well aware that in 2020 it’s damn near impossible to come across real LSD, I mean come on. People have argued with me about that but in my studies more sources have confirmed its rarity than have ever said it’s widely available. It’s not. So I don’t know what this blotted paper that I tried really was but I tried it to say I tried it and that was that.

      Before trying acid though I had studied MDMA a fair bit. I was always so intrigued by the effects of MDMA and since sassafras came from a tree I thought it had a natural aspect to it and also saw many interesting accounts of people finding it a spiritual drug. So at sixteen I became intrigued enough to try it. What I didn’t know at that time is that there were compounds that were sold as molly that were either ACTUAL meth, or chemically similar to meth… So after having real molly maybe two times and falling in love with it I spent between 6 and 10 months doing MDMA and meth every weekend. Friday, Saturday and Sunday.. Sleeping for 3 or 4 days straight, sometimes starting on thursday. Anyone who is an adult is probably aware of the molly come down being a complete draining of the serotonin in your brain. Leaving you feeling pretty shitty, depressed, pessimistic. Just basically in automatic negative thought mode. 

       To make matters worse I was struggling with a number of at the time undiagnosed mental health conditions, such as what I now know was anxiety, depression, anorexia, complex post traumatic stress disorder, and borderline personality disorder. Combined these illnesses probably have a list of about 25-30 symptoms that displayed themselves in very negative ways at that time and do still affect me to this day but I have luckily found some coping mechanisms that help me to deal with these symptoms, it’s still a mountain I’m facing and attempting to climb myself.

Prior to the drug experimentation I had already been smoking, drinking heavily to the point of blacking out and getting sick, severe self harm, monthly suicide attempts… So add a drug that sucks out the very little bit of serotonin that I did have leaving me physically and mentally drained and my scarce appetite even further suppressed and it was the perfect recipe for a dependency… After the initial use that made me feel even worse than I normally did, the drug began to be the only time that I would feel “good”. Once what began as experimentation turned into a dependency I began to buy whatever was being called molly. I noticed a difference in the high and knew it was fake but did not want to admit to myself that it was not just “fake molly” but it was methamphetamine. Most adults will also know what a tweaker looks like.. So after using molly for the first time I immediately became sickly thin, had no eyebrows, would turn what started out as a small pimple or blemish into a bleeding scab on my face every time I  had one, I had been in a relationship for about 2 years leading up to this and with everything going on at home I was extremely dependent on my partner but my partner also felt that they had a purpose by being in a relationship with me so he relied on me in that way. We were codependent to a detrimental degree. 

     We were toxic, I was too emotional, he displayed no emotion. Our relationship was toxic before the drugs…. But when I did hard drugs for the first time he was not there and it quickly led to us breaking up… But when he watched what was happening to me and how quickly I was experimenting with other things he became scared and we started to do drugs together and stay together. Long story short our lives became hell. Everyone else was pushed out besides each other and I was leaving home often, his mom hated me, my mom hated me. It felt like everyone hated me, I was trying to complete school and it wasn’t working… From that first time my ability to rationalize was obstructed.

       A child that wasn’t fully developed and was suicidal and suffered from mental illness, didn’t have a support system and had no positive coping mechanisms and the only relationships I had in my life were extremely toxic, this was the perfect recipe for an addiction…. The whole point of me going into this little part about addiction, is that addiction takes all the negative thoughts that plague you when you’re “normal” or not on drugs, and it pushes them to the forefront of your brain so that they’re all you can hear. Not only does it do that but it amplifies the desire to put an end to it because you can’t see anything good about yourself. Also because this negativity is literally a dark cloud over you and you become different than the person your loved ones knew to know and love ( even if the relationships were toxic and unstable to begin with) any small amount of good that laid within these toxic relationships is sucked out until it gets abusive and unbareable. Drug dependency can take even the most beautiful, solid relationships away, but when relationships are toxic to begin with often times noone involved knows how to communicate so it blows up and is UGLY, MEAN, and just traumatizing. 

        Drug addiction makes life a dark, ugly, miserable, scary place. I lost 5 years to drug addiction. I’m so glad to be sober now because I was close to dying. I had tried to kill myself a lot of times before I even began taking drugs, but with drugs you’re killing yourself every day knowing that eventually it will happen if you get high enough and it becomes a thrill and a gamble to take enough of something that you know it should kill you, but it doesn’t… You’d be surprised how the human body can be so resilient.

         I couldn’t be more content to have shelter. To be warm, in a bed, with the things I need. Food readily available.. And things to look forward to. I’ve been keeping my small victories to myself, not wanting to jinx anything. Although I have publicly been celebrating my abstinence from drugs because that is no small victory. That is a huge feat for me. I’m 4 days away from my three months sobriety date. I’ve never felt this confident about it before because whenever I quit I didn’t have methadone, I could have.. But I didn’t. As I wrote earlier in this entry, I am a “perfectionist” which for anyone who identifies with that word, it doesn’t mean you’re perfect. It means when you set out what you think or believe is the right way to do something in your head noone can tell you different. It’s being STUBBORN and even ignorant. For me I always quit cold turkey even though with benzos you can die from withdrawal and I almost did many times. My thought process about refusing to go on methadone was that I thought if I could quit without needing to rely on another drug which methadone is, then I would make my family proud. I thought I was invincible, like many drug addicts do and I thought I could be stronger than to need to rely on the governments method of beating addiction with another addiction. Like many addicts tell themselves. I thought I was different and wanted to prove to myself that I was strong enough to just stop everything. A few times I did… The first time I made it 6 months. This was before I had ever been addicted to cocaine, benzos, or opiates. This was when I was just addicted to mdma/meth. I made it 6 months clean off everything, then came the smoking weed all the time, then came poppers, then came alcohol, then came an embarassing blackout and too much food, then i felt fat, so then I would do molly again. It was a cycle that I had gone from experiencing every week into the weekend, then I made it the six months.. In that six months I was going for walks almost daily, I had a job at Sephora, I was studying metaphysics and holistic healing again.. I was studying crystal healing, eating healthier, and then I found my way back to the false cushion of drug addiction. 

      The next time I was sober I was living in British Columbia. Addiction had lead me to being sexually assaulted while I was blacked out. Noone helped me and afterward I was called such horrible things. I set out to walk on a highway known for the abduction of females and thought to myself how I didn’t care. If someone offered me a ride and raped me and slit my throat that would be it and at least I would be dead. That’s how broken and hurt I was at the time.. So I began walking with my camera around my neck and my suitcase. It was a beautiful sunset and I took photos and began to walk. Tears streaming down my face. I made it maybe 2 kilometers when a man in a truck stopped ahead of me. It was a new ford truck. The man was sitting there with his window down, looking out at me. He said “Are you okay?” And with that I started breaking down. He told me to get in and I asked him if he was sure. He said yes and asked me what had happened. I told him about the sexual assault. He told me that we were going to go to his house and he would introduce me to his wife over a bowl of soup. He told me that himself and his wife were eight years sober and members of the local Alcoholics Anonymous fellowship and didn’t try to push it on me. 

     I won’t go into too much detail because I do plan on writing a novel about everything, but long story short they accepted me into their household with open arms. They had a daughter that was 17 that looked at me as a sister and still does. They are still my spiritual AA mom and dad and I still speak to them. I went to AA with them a lot. My aa mom and dad brought me to a convention in Abbotsford BC where they had been on the list to speak as a family, the three of them. They invited me to speak with them. There’s a CD of us and it is beautiful. We all got emotional and cried during our speeches. That was the most pure love I’ve experienced to date… I’m sure if you’re reading this you may wonder why I left. Well there was so much love and I made it to three months sober quite easily, I won’t say gracefully though as there were many moments of tears and breakdown. I was working a full time job, doing quite well… and my little brother asked me on the phone “Arianne, am I ever going to see you again?” And with that my heart shattered. I love this child like my own, so I bought a plane ticket one way, in time for his birthday. I got there two days before. I thought that I was strong enough in my recovery to handle it. Even though my new family recommended against it. I got back and although my little brother was excited noone else really commended me for my sobriety as much as I thought they would. I regretted my decision but couldn’t go back on it now. 

    I was working two jobs, some days twelve hour shifts. I ended up seeking attention from a guy who brought drugs back into my life, and then came the worst relapse I’ve had yet.. New drugs were introduced into my life and in new amounts. I lost myself yet again. It was awful. Today as I wake and continue writing this entry, I don’t feel strong enough to go into detail of where addiction took me this time. But I’m going to stop the entry here and start my day. To anyone that is reading this I love you.

[easyweight101]

Neuro Sleep Review: Don’t Buy Before You Read This!

Neuro Sleep is a liquid dietary supplement that is designed to help the user reduce the time it takes them to fall asleep and to stay asleep throughout the night. It comes in three different flavors but features the same basic formula, and states that it gently relaxes the body and pushes it towards sleep within 10 to 20 minutes.

The product comes as a 14.5-ounce beverage that is supposed to be drank fully at least 30 minutes prior to bed time. It is also supposed to be refrigerated after opening.

Right now, Fenotrex is the top ranked sleeping aid that is on the market, beating out any other sleep aid that can be purchased online or in-stores. According to review experts who took the time to evaluate all the sleep aids that are currently available, Fenotrex had the best blend of ingredients and most satisfied consumers. To learn more about Fenotrex, just follow this link.

Top Rated Sleep Aids of 2017

Do You Know the Best Sleep Aids of 2017 ?.

Neuro Sleep Ingredients and Side Effects

The website for the product offers at their full list of ingredients, their supplement facts label, and even the specific dosages of ingredients used, though not for all as part of the formula is a proprietary blend. All this transparency is relevant because the consumer deserves to know what they are putting into their bodies, and the effect, positive or negative, that they can expect.

Here are the ingredients in Neuro Sleep:

Sugar Blueberry Extract Magnesium L-Theanine Acai Extract Melatonin Pomegranate Extract 5-HTP

Melatonin: A hormone that occurs naturally within the body and can also be made in a laboratory. Its main function is to help regulate the body’s internal clock and establish sleep and wake cycles, particularly for those who have alternative or changing sleep schedules. It can also be used to help those who suffer from insomnia as a result of ADHD, rapid eye movement, intellectual disabilities, and high blood pressure. Fortunately, it appears that the ingredient does not pose the threat of any side effects when used correctly.

L-Theanine: An amino acid whose chemical structure is similar to glutamate, which is a naturally occurring amino acid within the body. The ingredient is used to treat anxiety and high blood pressure, as well as preventing Alzheimer’s disease. It is often found in green tea and is thought to be effective by helping to transmit and block nerve impulses to the brain.

5-HTP: A by-product of L-tryptophan that can also be produced from the seeds of an African plant known as Griffonia simplicifolia. The chemical has been shown to be effective in treating sleep disorders like insomnia, depression, anxiety, obesity, and migraines. It functions by increasing the production of serotonin within the brain and central nervous system. Unfortunately, it can also lead to some negative side effects, such as:

Nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and sexual problems

Learn about what makes an effective sleep aid by viewing our expert’s list of the top 10 sleep aids that are available.

EDITOR’S TIP: Combine this supplement with a proven sleep aid such as Fenotrex for better results.

Neuro Sleep Quality of Ingredients

There is a good blend of ingredients in the product for the most part, including clinically researched supplements like melatonin that can help set the body’s internal clock. The healthy dose of magnesium should also help the body to relax. Users should be aware that there is 9 grams of sugar in each serving of the drink.

Other ingredients that are included in the proprietary blend such as blueberry extract and acai extract, don’t have direct connections to sleep quality, but can provide nutrients that are needed in order to regulate the body overall. The inclusion of 5-HTP is concerning because, while it is effective in promoting sleep, it can lead to some mild to severe negative side effects within the user including the possibility if the muscle disease EMS.

Your time and money is too valuable to waste with supplements that don’t work, so follow this link for a top 10 list of the best sleep aids.

The Price and Quality of Neuro Sleep

Neuro Sleep is sold online through their official site, as well as through Amazon. It is most commonly sold over-the-counter in grocery stores and convenience stores such as CVS by the bottle. Online orders allow users to purchase in bulk, though even there you can only order in packs of twelve at the most. On Amazon a 12-pack of Neuro Sleep is $28.49, and on the product site it is $26. That means, if the user were to use the product every day, a monthly supply would cost well over $60.

Furthermore, there does not appear to be any free trial or money back guarantees offered to the consumer. This means that if it is ineffective or tastes bad it will just sunk cost. Though, since these are sold several convenience and grocery stores, consumers can buy just a single bottle in order to see if it is effective.

Business of Neuro Sleep

The manufacturer of Neuro Sleep goes by the name Neurobrands LLC, and they produce a line of health and wellness drinks under the “Neuro” brand. Their contact information is as follows:

Address: 501 Santa Monica Blvd, Santa Monica, CA 90401

Phone Number: (310) 393-6444

Email: yourfriends@drinkneuro.com

In 2016 Neurobrands LLC agreed to a permanent court injunction that required them to change their marketing practices and pay $500,000 in penalties for lacking scientific evidence to back up many of the benefits that the drinks provided.

Inform yourself about what ingredients and dosages make up a quality supplement by clicking here to view a top 10 list of sleep supplements.

Customer Opinions of Neuro Sleep

As mentioned, Neuro Sleep is mostly sold in stores individually, rather than online in bulk packages, but there are still plenty of objective online reviews that we could find. The Amazon page for Neuro Sleep features over 1,200 reviews, mostly positive, though many consumers had some reservations about its effects.

Here are some of the reviews that we were able to locate online:

“Tried it and didn’t like the flavor. Maybe if I combined it with seltzer water, but it wasn’t worth the effort.”

“I thought it tasted good, but it did not help me to get to sleep. Drank it an hour before bed, and all it made me do was have to get up to go to the bathroom.”

“Loved the taste but it didn’t get me to sleep any sooner. I would buy more but the price is too much.”

Health experts have been hard at work finding the top 10 sleep aids on the market now, so follow this link to find what they came up with.

Conclusion – Does Neuro Sleep Work?

Overall, Neuro Sleep combines a good blend of ingredients and, in general, has gotten a good reaction from its consumers when it comes to getting them to sleep. That said, there are some problem areas that prevent us from recommending the product.

The main issue is the price. As mentioned, it is usually just sold in single bottles at grocery or convenience stores, but if one were to rely on it to get to sleep every night the cost would be much higher than that of most competing sleep aids, and you would have to consider the calories and sugar you would be ingesting as well. Furthermore, the user of 5-HTP can lead to potentially unpleasant side effects and there is still research being done regarding more serious side effects that it could bring. The product seems as though it is best suited if a consumer needs something to get them to sleep in a pinch, but not feasible as an everyday (or night) product.

The top sleeping aid on the market right now is Fenotrex, because of good customer reviews and a strong, unique formula of effective ingredients. It has shown a consistent ability to get users to sleep fast and keeping them asleep throughout the night.

The active ingredients have been tested by third-parties and shown to effective in treating sleep related issues. It’s produced in a GMP approved facility. If you want learn more about a sleep aid that could potentially provide a good, healthy night’s sleep consistently in Fenotrex, then click here.

from Easy Weight Loss 101 http://ift.tt/2xr22kI via The Best Weight Loss Diet In The World

[humanauction]

chapter draft - R (digitisation of youth)

R - disenfranchised middle-class youth

people, they say this new lot, these kids, are many things:

narcissistic selfish can’t focus disconnected hard to control entitled nihilistic lazy no accountability

it’s got to a stage now, that the people in charge - those people - have actually started asking them what they might want. seems a lot like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted, but whatever.

to the kids, they ask:

“so what do you want?”

and these new lot they say all sorts of things:

we want to be heard we want to have a job that means something we want to make a difference we want to leave our mark on the world

and…

we want meetings on tiny chairlifts (google) we want fruit and macha tea, barista coffee for free. (zoopla) we want inclusive gym memberships (find company) and we want monthly staff prize giveaways (apple) we want fitbits (target) iPads! cereal! BREAKFAST-LUNCH-AND-MOTHERFUCKING-DINNER!!!

and so they get it. but they still aren't happy. they never use hardly any of it. but they do make sure people. all the people. their friends, fans, followers. all of those people.

:-)

sooooo lucky, babe

and this makes the kids feel.

lets break this one down for a second. what can be blamed, now that the time for blame has well and truly elapsed? you can still try it, but whats the point? most of your torturers will be dead soon if they aren't already. so anyway, coming from a blame-based culture of email accountability what have we got:

i. technology 2 - nurture C) nature IV = AAA

technology

Facebook. it has a lot to answer for. twitter, too. instagram, reddit, snapchat, VK, vine, youtube… all of them. enablers that they are. because technology has skewed the kids minds and everything they do is uploaded. everything. clever or stupid, bad or good. there forever. even if you think you deleted it. uploaded and photoshopped. because even though these kids are keen for everyone to know they are definitely having fun, the most important part becomes the enhancements. masks are added, things get rubbed out and smoothed down, everything gets a cool looking filter with a anonym. so even when having fun, the fun still needs to be improved upon before sharing it with the world for their approval. everything:

what they eat; what they wear; where they go; who is there; what makeup; cars they saw; buildings they passed.

go to a fireworks display sometime. don't take your phone. instead just look around. try to count the people just enjoying the display. then try to count all the people busily recording or streaming it for upload. all these uploads, they would be fine if they were examples of your daily happy life, but the overwhelming truth is that most of these kids, they make it look amazing but inside they don't know who they are and they are weak and they are cowardly. and yet to the rest of the world they are confidence incarnate. someone, anyone, has a question or a problem and immediately, out of nowhere:

Andreas messaged you; je$$ie commented on you link; tom messaged you; doug28 messaged you; Leon messaged you; Melinda Hart messaged you; hotdog24 messaged you; messaged you; messaged you; messaged you; messaged you…

and it goes on. and on. and hundreds of people “like” your sad, existential, question, even though this is the only genuine, honest, question anyone has asked in months. and all these scared little weak cowardly children who know nothing, you know what they say?

they tell you EXACTLY what you should be doing. no questions, no doubt. they KNOW everything about what you need to do. they simultaneously search google - with its very limited menu of results - and type comments. they copy the words of some sadu from india, or a woman respected for her feminist stance, or elon fucking musk. but they don't say this, instead they quickly repackage it for your very public consumption, with their own mark added as if this pseudo-philosophical answer isn't actually the re-hashing of some ancient, greek or german or chinese scriptures they don't even know exist.

“but why?” ask the adults, “why?”

why? why? everything always comes back to one thing. its almost a running theme through societies facilitators: the internet, mobile phones, drugs, booze, sex, gambling. they all give us this one thing that we all love:- dopamine

dopamine NOUN

Biochemistry

[mass noun] A compound present in the body as a neurotransmitter and a precursor of other substances including adrenaline.

the irony of the fact all anyone is trying to do is release something already present in their own bodies is thoroughly lost on the kids, however. they don't really know what dopamine is; all they know it they have no confidence. how do they feel better about themselves then?

posting pictures; getting various likes; gaining followers/subscribers; receiving calls & text messages; getting something shared; having their comment favourited; tweeting; being re-tweeted (that’s a big one)

because what these things do to these young minds is exactly what smoking, drugs, alcohol and gambling did for the generation before. and the results of heroin, crack, super-strength booze, barely regulated gambling, binge-encouraging licensing laws and draconian governmental drug policy have now been accepted as deeply damaging and complete failures respectively. so kids, they don't do all the normal stuff. they don't learn to get natural levels of things in your brain like serotonin or dopamine you would get from doing all those things your grandparents enjoyed so much:

dancing travel picnics laughing the cinema sports love

you get the idea. without this they have to find it elsewhere, or else be miserable. these kids, they are at a difficult point as it is, and they have access to this thing the adults don't really understand. they may have invented it, but the great thing about kids is they'll always find a better way of using your idea or invention than you ever thought of. no one ever really thought social media would end up being our primary mood regulator. and that creates a unique difference between older generations ability to access large dopamine stimulants and the new. for the traditionalists there are age restrictions. there are legal restrictions. there are “controls” placed on “substances”. but the internet and social media is an ever expanding constantly evolving dopamine dealing monster of the kind the adults have never seen before. its easy to see why as we get older religion becomes more important. when you start to see the devil in things, you start to think maybe we could do with some sort of righteous opposition.

so low self-esteem combined with a literal 24/7, 365-days-a-year access to small, neatly-packaged releases of the very addictive, Dopamine. and the adults look at the kids and they despair.

how? why?

as if living through the first attempt to supercharge the release of mind altering alkaloids and the like had happened to someone else. or maybe that’s why. and the ultimate fears of the kids are now so different. so removed as they are from the real world, everything negative is directly relatable to their social media feeds.

if 20,000 hectares of primary rainforest gets bulldozed for soya someplace? thats ok. a north african nation collapses into war creating a flood of immigration? so what.

no one liked my comment; I'm not getting as many views as previous vlogs; losing subscribers; being unfriended.

these are the things that they obsess over, reading their own posts and comments over and over and over and just check one more time in case… in case nothing, really. just to see how other people have reacted. if they have reacted. whoever they are. or most likely are not. and the adults, they don't understand. so you got unfriended, so no one liked a video you posted.

“what’s the big deal, kid?”

they don't understand. despite everything they have essentially become more technologically able versions of their own parents. they got through just in time to buy a house, to have a career, to afford a family. mostly. just. but to a young mind already busy withdrawing into a digital construct they view to be more real than the reality they occupy in, increasingly, physical form alone. it is not only a big deal, it is the only deal they can relate to. and in the end, they just end up in the same cycle of addiction that has plagued humanity since we learnt to identify, cultivate, extract, distill, process and store the things we love so much to consume to excess.

take any junkie.

please.

no, but seriously take any addict and examine their behavioural patterns for just a second. ask one addict. ask a former user. ask a junkie. ask me. ask any, ask all. ask them to take you back to when all this started and the story you get will go something like this:

“when i was between the ages of 9 and 16 something happened to me. maybe it was one thing maybe it was a series of things. maybe it was a person, an event, a situation. and whether or not this was true in hindsight, at the time, i didn't feel i had any friends or support and someone introduced me to (enter relevant drug/drink/behaviour here), and it made me feel like i fitted myself. and this was the first time i had ever really felt like that,”

rewind a second, to when you were even younger:

“when i was younger all that mattered was my parents. they stood as gods. real gods, like the one in the old books. not a kind and patient lord, no, an autocratic benevolent and wrathful being. that made me feel unimportant, scared, abandoned.”

why does this matter? let’s go back forwards for a second to most people’s ideal path through their developmental period:

so you are at an age where your parents recede in your mind as you are made aware through religion or neglect that there is a bigger picture full of clans and tribes and groups and affiliations. you need the approval of different people now. potentially people your parents would not approve of. and these people, some of them, eventually, will become something you feel a part of, support, are supported by. based on things like love, respect, and mutual understanding. as you grow older these regular and reoccurring figures lean on you and support you and they become your family.

nice, right?

but what if this never happens? not really. not physically. what if this only happens on a screen and your peers consist primarily of fans, followers, subscribers or thousands of friends you will never meet? it is human to need the tribe, because it is human to need. but back to our gambling, alcoholic, addict:

so now i’m 19-46 and I'm running through cycles of abuse, abstinence, relapse, abuse, abstinence, relapse… based on the stresses in my life. normal stresses. job problems? consume. personal problems? consume. the message is consume and he/she does so willingly. the supply is so massive demand will never catch up. it never occurs for the longest time to her/him it might be the behaviour that causes 90% of all consumption related stresses. without having ever formed any relationships in his/her adolescence that weren't mutually exclusive to the drug/drink/behaviour she/he decided to be his/her favourite(s). she/he can’t just go and see a friend. by this stage any interaction requires consumption.

but there are treatments. there are options. there are ways to get away. it isn't easy, but it is possible and there is some sort of legislation to deal with problematic members of society. if nothing else, there is medication. but with an increasingly technologically immersed society, how can someone addicted to something like social media and the internet possibly get away.

ask a scientist. ask a few. ask me. or ask google this exact thing:

people who spend more time on social media are more likely to suffer from depression than those who don’t.

and that. that’s a fact. so now you're an addict. do any of these things:

check your phone first thing in the morning? have your phone out when you are with friends? check your phone whilst driving? read emails or generally scroll whilst in meetings? message people you know are not there to answer?

addict. like it or not, thats exactly what you are.

2. nurture & 3. nature:

the western failed parenting techniques of child psychology and personal empowerment. the whole:

“you are a precious snowflake” “you are special” “you can be anything - if you try hard/want it badly enough”

and these kids, they live in a whole new world. there is political correctness for the first time. some kids always come last at everything. they used to just be last, but now? now they get a certificate or a medal for taking part. for the first time, just being there is rewarded.

but its a bit like mcdonalds in the end. you remember the star system? well if you dont, the employees wore stars they earned to show… something. but rewarding failure or mere participation, it doesn't work. in the end the medals aren't worth anything, the stars are pointless, and all they do is depress the individual who “won” it/them and has to display this very public badge of weakness or subservience. you get it in the military too - medals earned and medals given. they are two very different things, and the second are largely auction pieces.

so these kids, the ones we are talking about, they go through this whole, ever-shorter, “childhood” of entitlement, filled with promised futures of exceptional achievement.

and then they go to the workplace. not to work, because now there aren't any jobs and you are going to be working for free, then minimum wage, and eventually you’ll be a professional and wont earn enough to survive in a city like london. the kind of city you need to be in if you stand a chance at all. so these kids, they move to the new city slums and their parents guarantee rents these kids cant afford. first day, they walk in, probably late, get shuffled about for a couple of hours between people who need someone, but don't really want them and WHAM!

imagine: a huge wall, a wall so huge it blocks out the sun.

got it? ok, so now imagine that wall falling like a rogue wave off the coast of hawaii the size of an office block directly through your soul when they make you understand, these, these, these adults. make you understand, it turns out, that what you were told was wrong. everything all of it. and more relevantly here:

“you are NOT a precious snowflake” “you are NOT special” “you can NOT be anything - NOT if you try hard/want it badly enough”

ego shattered. soul screaming. hot adrenaline flushes. green soundless black-out flashes. it’s like a panic attack. oh no wait - it is a panic attack. and it hits fast. you, who can do anything, cant control panic when it hits. everyone thinks they’ll be able to. mostly no one ever can. and now you have a whole generation with a naturally low sense of self esteem, who need medication for anxiety and panic attacks on top of everything still to come. nothing is real. everything a lie, pretend, an illusion. everything is fake except for the only fake thing here. so they dive into a digital simulation of an approximation of the life they wish they have and get pleasure when people tell them they like the person they in reality, aren’t.

4. AAA

remember how it was, before the internet? before broadband?

having to wait for CDs to be released? waiting for the shops to start selling them? or records? digging through crates for weeks, month, years, for that one tune? having to go and watch bands play live to hear rare performances? that feeling of finding something new? to have to wait week-by-week for your favourite show to air? before auto-record? before boxsets? on normal analogue CRT television sets? those big massive things? having to go and take a night-class to learn something? by doing it? with other people? going to the supermarket to chose your food, let alone actual real markets? contribute to delivery costs? for anything? food? clothes? postal items? from china? having to research from books? referencing whole books? lots of them? technical books? having to use them in situ because they were reference material? microfilm? those big blue/green screens of blackness?

photocopying? like scanning, but different?

museums? of history? to see how things looked on walls? in frames? books? weapons? jewels? bones? museums? of art? deciding on your favourite school, again? style? artist? sculptor? surrealism? dada-ism? dutch? renaissance? meeting girls? meeting boys? face-to-face? standing around? asking them out? the groups? the bravado? the nerves? the acceptances? the rejections? borrowing books from the library? waiting for a book to be returned? paying fines for late returns? meeting up at the cinema? making plans in advance? agreeing where to meet because of all the people? because no phones? going to the video store and seeing if any of the newest movie were for some reason behind another movies box-cover? because they were all out? yeah, you took the copy of the movie you wanted from behind a box with the picture of the movie you wanted on it. thats how you knew they had it. and if it was a new movie, they had loads of copies.

but they always ran out. remember that?

not now, no way. now it’s all: AAA

Access All Areas

in a world of near-instant gratification, these kids they get confused. its back to the whole first day at work scenario. the one where they arrive knowing fuck all and expect to be making life-changing decisions by the end of the week, if not the day. imagine that same kid after six months, dejected, feeling wasted and useless because they aren't achieving anything related to the buzzwords they crave:

importance impact effect

abstract concepts. like time itself. irony at least is still doing a healthy trade through all of this, this, temporary glitch? collapse of civilisation? no one really knows, and increasingly the kids, they don't care. means nothing to them. doesn't give them what they need when they see pictures of it so they don't look and the algorithm makes sure that part of life goes away. and these kids, they don't know what a 10,000lb bomb looks like, let alone how you get it halfway across the globe. and drop it on someone they will never meet? definitely don't care. instant access, instant gratification - what did it get them mainly - desensitisation to everything that isn't directly related to their ever-shrinking worlds. what would you like to see?

road rage videos organised fights between rival hooligans how to cold-extract OTC drugs to leave only narcotics how to make guns and knives at home any and all types of porn, gay porn, horses fucking hookers porn dog-fighting bull-fighting murders decapitation compilations rape war-footage bombing campaigns

its all there. google it, you don't even need to boot TOR from a flash drive outside a coffeeshop and use a secure, encrypted VPN client to start surfing the real web. the “dark” web. you don't even know what’s on there. no, all of that stuff is on google. once you know this stuff exists, mainly, most people, they ignore it. they don't like it. we all know horrible stuff happens every day.

how do you build legacy, quickly? an over-night empire? seems maybe you can’t, so knowing this, the kids, they call for revolution. but what for today? we wait for nothing now and this is what they know. don't like your wrinkles? inject your face. anyone over 24 should consider it really. make-up: it’ll only get you so far. and it takes seconds. you don't need anyone even nearly like a doctor related anything to do it, either. just a girl from a shop. what could possibly go wrong? lips? cheeks? piercings? tattoos? a culture expanding as people at once require armour to protect them and imagery to define them, yet all at the expense of the seemingly increasingly expendable physical form. as they retreat into virtual reality so their ability to interact on a personal level is reduced. as they become less able to interact with different types of identities due to essentially poor socialisation through lack of experience, so they need aggressive external visual stimuli to confirm what it is they like, and by extension like to be seen doing; being; enjoying… combined with obsession in the western world with perfection of the physical form, unrealistic expectations of the human body and the now-perverted nature of sexuality, it creates people at once obsessing over how they look, yet at the same time destroying it with chemicals, inks and holes ensuring that they will never achieve the natural perfection they secretly, unknowingly programmed to strive for.

but the world, it continued despite this western regression into virtual reality. and in the meantime some terrible things have been happening.

the middle east becomes a battle ground. a global recession wipes out most peoples chances at a productive future. but these kids, none of this means anything to them. despite going global, the choices available due to the frankly poor algorithms that chose your future online, it drives the kids deeper into smaller, more extreme, more perverse groups. where all they care about is a constant rolling stream taking them down and backwards towards the last thing they saw. despite a potential global meltdown, international political upheaval, environmental catastrophe… they largely - after signing a petition maybe, or liking or sharing some corrupt culture and land destroying oil disaster waiting to happen - remain obsessed with:

what about x celebrities lips? look at the funny kitten/child/puppy limited edition gold adidas trainers cars women men food place they will never go things they will never see

they feel better. like things. re-tweet. minds so programmed to rank and number everything, this all-consuming infatuation with what the best one is, the prettiest one, the thinest… the top tens:

(search for most self/celebrity-obsessed top tens on youtube)

1. Living in a Car: Top 10 Places to Sleep 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

(+ add section of “i added him on snapchat, but i didn't subscribe to his youtube. channel.

and the adults, they don't understand what this means…)

when they look back, in the future, this will be the time. the time when the lines, they first started to blur.