#i love my mom!!! but i constantly have to mourn that I cannot go “mommy I'm scared”

[thejustknowing]

"I never said that"

The Truth You can't See.

This is my story and you are the first to see it.

"I Never Said that”

The Truth You can’t see Yet

He keeps telling you you’re being irrational and need to get help. He yells “Why are you trying to start a fight with me?” and slams the door. Your daughter is barely 2, and you find a hint of comfort knowing that she probably won’t remember this. He tells you he's moving out and taking your little girl because he needs so badly to start a manipulative argument. He says you take everything the wrong way. He calls you a victim and tells you it's all your fault. He makes false references about your own childhood to try to break you apart. He thinks he can still convince you of things about yourself that aren’t true, he wants to so bad. You can tell he truly misses those days. When he could gaslight you and play confusing mind games disguised as a conversation you 'think' you are having with your husband; about something real.

It's something wrong in your relationship that you actually want to fix, so you tirelessly try and try because you want things to be OK again. Over time though, this constant cycle sucks all of your energy and everything that is good out of you, but you don't know that yet. You feel broken hopeless and destroyed and you don’t understand why, but you eventually start to realize that something is very wrong. You must have missed something somewhere, this no longer even resembles an argument you would have in healthy relationship, probably not even in most unhealthy ones. It's irrational, it's confusing, it skips around from one thing to another, its fact twisting, it's blaming, it's accusing, it's getting another person's pain and problems thrown at you and piled up until you can’t breathe at all. At it's the worst, it's doubting your own perception of anything because of someone telling you that you're crazy over and over and over. He is starting to convince you that you remember things wrong, and saying that you make stuff up in your head. It's someone denying what they have said so many times that you can't be 100% sure of anything. Your trust in yourself is dwindling. You start to ask yourself "Who is this person in the mirror? It's being told that 'you' said what 'they' are denying having said, even though they said it to your face two minutes ago. It's being locked out of your house in the middle of January with shorts and a tank top on. It's being told you are a horrible person and nobody likes you. It's being told you can’t be trusted to do anything right and then getting guilt tripped because they have to do everything and you do nothing. It's having your baby used against you, it's being threatened to have your baby taken to a hotel by someone who is drunk because, "What you deserve is to be in a dark house with the power out, alone." It's being told that the cops are coming and it's because YOU are the actually the abuser and you are scaring them. It's real FEAR. It's slamming doors, sighs, silent treatments, and dirty looks. Its lies aimed to control how other people view you. It's an argument about money, laundry, what time the kids should be in bed, work, who left the lights on, a dropped dish, spilled milk, the way you said something, a choice you made. It's everything you do is wrong, and it's not Real. It's dealing with it, and on some level knowing, and saying nothing because you know it will make things worse. It's walking on eggshells every single day. It's downplaying your successes, it's really jealousy and deep resentment of your accomplishments, but you don't know that yet. You just aren't good enough, and that even what you thought was good about yourself isn't. Your strengths, talents and most admirable traits were the first thing he targeted, but you don't know that yet. The constant and unending ridicule and forever reminders of even the insignificant mistakes. You are careful never to make a real error in judgment or a bad decision because he will never stop reminding you. He will say "The truth hurts, doesn't it" He will exploit and expose any weakness or vulnerability you show him, he does not have the capacity to genuinely love, he has no regard for the feelings of other's. He is a victim when presented with any information suggesting he is at fault. He is a victim to control you and suck out your compassion even after he breaks you down for hours. He has a huge RED Flag, it's one of many you don't realize you missed yet. He is 100% incapable of admitting he did or said anything wrong. He cannot take responsibility, he only knows how to blame, twist and project. He is not capable of a genuine apology because 'You' are the problem and he is the victim. His personality makes him capable of one of the worst and most dangerous forms of abuse. You don't know it yet but you never did anything wrong, you were never the problem. You didn't deserve this.

It's slow and intentional and you can't understand it yet. You think this person loves you and would never try to hurt you. You are so wrong though, and if you don't figure it out soon you might never recover. How will you be a mom to this beautiful baby if you don't figure out what has changed in you? How do you get up for work and do your job that "the old you" used to excel and thrive at? How will you and be able to function much longer if you can't find your confidence and strength, 'your edge'. You don't know how to survive without the one thing about you you've always counted on when everything else was gone. But it's no use, it's not inside you anymore. It's gone. You ask yourself how could this happen? How could you have let this happen and not see it coming so you could stop it? You start researching and searching for something, anything to fix this. You'll one day be an expert on this type of personality disorder and the pattern of behavior that goes with it, but not yet. You've always been able to fix anything, but you can't fix this. You hit bottom, and you do the only thing left to do when you are truly helpless. You beg and pray to God and angels to help you. You can't get through this on your own, you beg for help and look up at the sky while tears roll down your face, and you cling to hope.

To your complete surprise the help does come, and it comes quickly, within days. The help sent to you is unfamiliar and strange, it's almost spiritual. It's an untraveled path of self-realization of how you ended up where you are. But this is no quick fix. You don't understand for a long time that there is no quick fix for this, and why. Help is sent in all different forms you couldn't see before, you start a sort of awakening. You start to see signs, coincidences, information, people appear in your life that seem to have been strategically placed there at just the right time. It’s truly amazing. But the dark realizations keep coming. As you put all the pieces together and start to truly understand what happened, you really hit the bottom. You'll see later that this is the only way to come back to life, but not yet. This is the lowest and darkest place there is. You could easily stay in that place forever. Getting yourself back to where you were, and who you used to be seems more and more impossible the more you come to terms with the reality of it all. There is nothing of what was. You can't even muster up the courage to ask for help because you are so ashamed of yourself and you are constantly blaming yourself for being so blind and so naive.

The worst is over now, but you don't know it yet. You are still just trying to survive. One thing you come to realize at rock bottom is that you have two choices, and that one of them is giving up and believe me it will be the obvious choice. It seems like the only way out, but it means giving up on your chance to be the Mommy your baby was meant to have, before all this. It means giving up on the "YOU" that you remember being your whole life. I know for an absolute fact that God, the Universe (undoubtabley both) showed me the ONE tiny glimmer of "the old me" that was left, and for good reason. They knew that giving up is something 'She' would NEVER choose. She would FIGHT and SEARCH and never stop until she found a way, just like she always had; with or without her edge.

So that's what I did, with no idea if it was even possible at all or if it would ever work. I spent two long and painful years of exploring, awakening and trusting in a plan I couldn’t even see yet. Then one day I started feel like me again; the NEW me. I’ll never forget the way I felt, it was like I had completely let go of control over anything and just let myself be guided by a higher power. It felt like freedom, it felt like light, it felt like love, for myself. The old ‘me’ was gone, and there was a period of mourning ‘her’ but eventually I came to accept it, and let her go. I hid this journey from every other person on the planet even those closest to me. I faked a smile, worked as hard as I could and hid the ugly, shameful truth. Out of the darkest place I began to emerge a new better version of myself, one I didn't know was inside of me. It turned out this whole experience was the start of a new phase of my soul's journey. I had a new purpose, and I understood the "Old Me" wasn't meant to travel with "Me" this far. So I left her behind and kept going. I understood the laws of attraction and the power to manifest strength where there is none. I now have faith, I realized my gifts, and amazingly I came back!

This is a story with a happy ending but there are remnants of it all that I carry with me. So much of 4 years of my life is still gone, my daughter is now five. There are huge parts of these years l still can't remember. I’ve found pictures of my daughter’s birthday parties and I don’t recognize the cake or the decorations or the event. When I try to remember, memories of the abuse like him taunting me because I asked for help while putting up streamers are what come back. I remember stepping down off a kitchen chair and just kneeling on the floor with my head in my hands crying on my daughter’s birthday, and hating myself for it. I remember sitting in my car crying on multiple Christmas Eve’s because he knew it was my favorite holiday and loved to make it miserable. I will continue to write In hopes of bringing back the precious memories of my little baby girl, memories still covered and buried by the painful ones that I unknowingly blocked. I am a survivor of a long encounter with a monster I could have never seen coming. They don't teach you about these kind of monsters growing up, even though ARE the REAL ones. They don't live under your bed, or in your dark scary attic at night. They don't wear scary masks, or have horns and sharp teeth. They look like whatever you want them to, they are the greatest of imposters. They look like love, infatuation and friendship. Sometimes they look like your parent. They are all the same, they have the same cruel games and tricks up their sleeve to break you. And trust me, if you think you are unbreakable or immune to this, think again. I was one of strongest, most confident, and intelligent woman I knew on my 30th birthday. I was successful, healthy and happy with where I was at in my life. I felt the best I ever had, my mom surprised me and flew out from NY to help me pick out my wedding dress that day. This nightmare started before I turned 32. I hope to someday be able to educate as many people as I can about narcissistic and emotional abuse. Woman and men both need to be able to recognize the hundreds of subtle little tactics that these people use to slowly destroy you. There ARE so many red flags and you can protect yourself, but only with knowledge and awareness of what this type of abuse is and how it happens. If this sounds anything like your life, know you are not alone and know that THIS IS YOUR SIGN. If this sounds like something you have never experienced, you were meant to see this so you never have to.

[sowhatisthisfor]

BLISS: On why this is my favourite film of 2017 (so far)

It’s been awhile since I was this affected by a film. It’s just the month of May but I could already say that Jerrold Tarog’s newest movie, Bliss, could be on my top 5 films of 2017 – if not the first.

They say Bliss is not a typical Filipino film, or typical indie. But what is typical Filipino and what is typical Indie anyway? Heck, this is not a typical film, period. It’s one of those rare masterpieces that would haunt you and be with you forever – at least that’s how it’ll be for me.

Beware: Spoilers ahead! If you haven’t seen the movie yet, back off. Close this window now.

MY RATING?

In hindsight, Bliss is a film about different faces of abuse, but it is also many other things. It touches the fine line between dreamland and reality, and examines dreams or aspirations as mere illusions. I won’t go much further plot by plot and I won’t even summarize the movie, but i’ll just give 10 reasons why I think this is my favourite film of 2017 yet.

1. In general, why I love it:

Because it is wicked. It’s well-crafted. It’s a mindfuck. It’s deeply, as in deeply affecting… isn’t it obvious?

2. It brought me to tears:

The first time I watched this, I cried tears of joy during the end credits because of how lucky I felt for being able to watch such a brilliant film.

The second time, I was crying during the great reveal because I am that affected with Jane’s life. That cut to cut scene when Mommy J, Direk Lex, and Carlo were confronting each other outside Jane’s room while she was being molested broke me, I couldn’t stop crying even after I left the cinema after the credits rolled.

The third time, I was already crying halfway through the film because of how good Iza Calzado was in this movie. See next point below.

3. Iza Calzado:

If anyone out there would say that she wasn’t good for the role, show your face to me and I’ll erase it, no joke. In short, Iza Calzado was brilliant! She was so effective in portraying a spoiled actress, a burnt out individual, a clueless ignorant, a crazy paranoid, and a half-dead body. And don’t get me started on her stabbing scene cos that alone deserves a recognition. Give her that Gawad Urian already.

Jane Ciego’s stabbing scene

4. Its genre as a thriller:

A typical filmmaker would keep this genre to drama, but nope. This film is a thriller, and it’s good at that. Let’s not mention the greatness of it’s direction and editing – both done by Jerrold Tarog. It is a scary film not just because of its treatment and its technical expertise, it is scary because it’s what’s happening in reality regardless of how mundane it seems. Those unnoticeable little things that could little by little kill us. It shows demons people battle: ourselves, people who use us, industry we are enslaved with, paranoia, anxiety, insanity, misery, and lost of identity.

5. Sound design:

Okay folks, we know the film is brilliant… but let’s pause for a moment and give the sound designer his much-deserved appreciation. Those noises you hear in the background, those heart beats, those clinks, and other necessary sound effects… Without those, the movie won’t be as effective. I am amazed with its sound design that I concentrated on this on my 3rd viewing.

6. A glimpse at different abuses:

Most obvious of all is sexual abuse. In this film, we see the mysterious nurse, Lilibeth abusing her patients and I am sure most people hated her for that. We all feel for Jane. We all wanted to stop the nurse. I would say I once wanted to be in the film and hug Jane with all her innocence. I am pretty sure we were all shocked, stunned at those jump scares of monster hands that just come out of nowhere - a typical feeling of abuse. 

Abuse of industry. In the film, Jane is a star who’s been an actress since she was a child. Here we will meet Direk Lex, the very demanding director who abuses his staff, shoot for 30 hours straight, who showed no care at all at the welfare of his injured talent. All he thought about is fame and money: to promote the film and to win awards. Also in this film, we see how Jane is already so disoriented of who she really is. Is she still Jane or is she just another character in a film? This reminded me of an interview with Mercedes Cabral when she said she needs therapy every after filming to separate herself from the character she’s portraying. In Bliss, we see the extent of how your craft can abuse you physically, mentally, and emotionally, and see how daunting it could be.

Abuse of power. Mommy J, Jane’s stage mom also showed how abusive being a demanding mother could be. She wanted Jane to be a star and to keep her value in the market. She uses her because that’s the only way she knows how to survive – or rather to fulfill her luxurious dreams. Same goes for Lilibeth’s mom who even for a short time exposure in the film, showed us how frustrated and physically abusive she was when she forced her daughter to do something she does not like and therefore fucked up.

Emotional abuse. Here, we also see Carlo, Jane’s husband who financially messed up and uses his wife for money and uses another girl who is already too desperate to solve their personal problem to boost his crashing ego.

7. A love and hate relationship with Lilibeth:

You have to agree with me that even though we all hated Lilibeth, it is imperative to point out that her character is very important. When I watched this film for the fourth time, I grew sympathy for her that I even had tears for her at one point. She is a powerful character that implies that abuse is a contagious cycle which even made this thriller scarier. See, Lilibeth wasn’t singing Ikot ng Ikot for nothing. When she was sitting, singing and dancing this with her hands – that’s something I cannot unsee, it’s haunting. Her backstory is as mournful as Jane’s and we all need to step back a little to realize that.

8. Jane’s recurring dream:

Now this is one of my favourite scenes. At one point while having a break from set, Jane told her screen partner about her recurring dream as a child. It was about her mom showing her a box and a key, and although her mom said that the box contains nothing, Jane still wanted the key to find out what’s inside. She even had to stab her mom multiple times out of frustration of having the key, and when she was finally able to open the box, it indeed contains nothing.

This, I think is a metaphor for the illusion of happiness and fulfillment. People tend to focus on their dreams, even when sometimes they are no longer sure if what they are dreaming about is theirs or someone else’s. It is evident from the start of the film that Jane strives hard to reach the top regardless of how she gets there. Even Jane’s teenage hit song, “ikot ng ikot” is about aiming something that ends up on a vicious cycle of no contempt – thus the fantastical music arrangement implying fake happiness is just a game of make-believe. She needs to fulfill the goal, if she has to stab her mom with the key, she’ll do it, yet she still questions if this goal is hers or not. Maybe her mom’s? Maybe because it’s what her fans expect her to be? Everyone had a piece of her identity, her sense of fulfillment. This is the illusion, the box. The need to reach that dream, to open that box, and in the end realizing that the box is empty and everything is just an illusion of happiness.

Listen to Jane Ciego’s teenage hit song “Ikot ng Ikot”.

9. “Gusto ko lang matulog” I just want to sleep 

It’s a very typical statement. Jane is tired of working and she just wanted to sleep. And towards the end of the film, we’ll feel this statement more because although she is physically dead, she is still mentally awake, but she can’t do anything about it. She can’t move, she can’t fight which is metaphorically shown through the wheelchair getting stuck at times. Jane would constantly utter this line throughout the movie, but at one point she would tell herself “wake up, wake up”, which gives us the perfect irony.

10. The awakening:

My friend once mentioned that she hopes Jane would never ever wake up because if she does and later on realizes all the abuses around her, she’d be more miserable. But to me, the awakening makes the ending even more powerful because it is about waking up physically, mentally, emotionally, and waking up from fantasy, realizing that what’s inside the box is just an illusion. What a great way to explain that indeed, “ignorance is bliss”.

Here’s a picture of Jane when her soul is being sucked… yep that’s right.

Obviously, my love for this film is exceeding. I’ve seen it four times, and I think I need to see it again. 

See the trailer here:

[chroniclesofmargo]

D Train - Approximately 3:17 PM

Lately I find myself running. Running from myself? Running from reality? Running from the truth perhaps. After the loss of Avery I told myself I won't allow myself to get depressed and stay down. But the actions I'm taking on coping with this pain that lives within me cannot be ok. I need to feel this pain in order to endure it. "Can't run from the pain go towards it" I feel lost and confused. I'm sitting in this train on my way home and I'm fighting back tears. I feel so alone. I explain how I feel to everyone who is close to me but somehow I still don't feel understood, which causes me to feel alone. I mourn the loss of my unborn child alone. I mourn the loss of a lover alone. I mourn the loss of someone I considered a part of me alone. At the end of the day it's just me me, my thoughts, and feelings. I'm incomplete. I have to find who I am again without all those things that made me, me. I'm constantly saying "I just wanna go back to the old me" but honestly I just want to evolve to the person I'm supposed to be already. I want to find the new me; the strong me. The woman that has gone through so much pain and heartache but still survived. The woman that continues to fight despite all the odds that were set against her. The great mother that I can still be to Michael. Although I will never be Avery's mommy I still am Michael's mom and that's what matters. Although, the man I chose to give me all my to decided to walk away that doesn't mean I should turn my back on love. Love comes in different forms and happiness. It does not always come in the shape of a man. So if this is what I must feel for as long as I need to feel it to become the person I'm meant to be then I welcome it with open arms. But I just hope at the end of this dark path I find the light that I've been missing. I find the happiness that comes from within me.