#i love me a good wingman and my god if he isnt dedicated to the craft

[demolitionistic]

also shoutout to my man haruna, the wingmannest wingman to ever wingman. no one does it like him <3<3<3

[andystanberg]

~ still not gay ~

Word Count: 2 800

Genre: chat fic, coming out, coming to terms with sexuality, humour

Pairing(s): phan, tiny mention of kickthestickz

Warnings: swearing, so many spelling/grammar mistakes (all on purpose as it’s a chat fic), mentioned homophobia, sexual humour (not a lot)

Summary:

crabstickzzz has added PJ to the chat. PJ: what? dannyboy: chris and co. think im gay

A/N Shout out to the (formerly) ~ still not gay ~ chat, thanks for not believing I was straight. (Loosely based off my own unconventional coming out.)

AUGUST 12TH

dan is gay

crabstickzzz has added PJ to the chat.

PJ: what?

dannyboy: chris and co. think im gay

PJ: you are.

crabstickzzz: SUCK IT HOWELL

LouiseP: Chris, Dan clearly isn’t ready for blowjobs yet.

dannyboy: IM NOT GAY

PJ: sure.

crabstickzzz: wat about ur crush on phil

AmazingPhil: His what now

dannyboy: i dont have a crush on phil

PJ: sure.

dannyboy: im straight guys cmon

PJ has changed the chat name to dan is in denial and gay.

dannyboy: oh for fucks sake

dannyboy: seriously guys im 100% sure im straight

PJ: sure.

-

AUGUST 15TH

dan is in denial and gay

AmazingPhil: Why is the name always about Dan

LouiseP: This group chat is dedicated to whether or not Dan is gay. And memes.

crabstickzzz: thats all we talk about so theres no point in creating another

PJ: i’ve been in this group chat for two days and it’s true.

dannyboy: why does it matter what i am

crabstickzzz: bc u wont admit ur gay! we r teaching u to love and accept urself 4 who u r!!!

dannyboy: bullshit

AmazingPhil: Maybe we should lay off Dan a bit

dannyboy: thank you filip

AmazingPhil: Never mind please continue

dannyboy changed the chat name to i hate you all

-

Private chat between dannyboy and AmazingPhil.

AmazingPhil: You’re not mad, are you?

dannyboy: no

AmazingPhil: Sure?

dannyboy: its fine. theyre joking and having fun. i just dont get why they care so much about my sexuality though

AmazingPhil: Maybe Crabstickzzz and PJ have a crush on you and Louise is trying to wingman both???

dannyboy: yeah right. can you imagine?

AmazingPhil: You never know

dannyboy: for starters, nobody has, or ever had, or ever will have a crush on me, and secondly, crabstickzzz and pj are dating

AmazingPhil: WHAT? WHEN? HOW?

dannyboy: well i dont know for sure but cmon

AmazingPhil: Oh good. I thought I had missed their big reveal

AmazingPhil: Also don’t be so sure about the crush thing

dannyboy: what? who has a crush on me?!

dannyboy: PHIL LESTER ANSWER ME

-

NOVEMBER 20TH

i hate you all

dannyboy: GUYS OH MY GOD DID YOU SEE THE PIC ZAC EFRON JUST POSTED

LouiseP: Who’s Zack?

PJ: oh boy.

dannyboy: HOW DARE YOU! ZAC**** IS THE ACTOR OF TROY BOLTON AKA MY SPIRIT ANIMAL

AmazingPhil: I JUST SAW IT TOO HE LOOKS SO GOOD

dannyboy: I KNOW RIGHT?????

LouiseP: daNIEL

PJ: HAH KNEW IT.

dannyboy: what

crabstickzzz: ur not good at being straight, my friend

dannyboy: oh come on! i may be straight but im not BLIND!

PJ: sure.

dannyboy: phil back me up!

AmazingPhil: Dan has a point.

crabstickzzz: spoil sport

crabstickzzz has kicked AmazingPhil from the chat.

dannyboy: OI

LouiseP: Chris, add him back in.

crabstickzzz: fineeee only cause ur scary

crabstickzzz has added AmazingPhil to the chat.

dannyboy has changed the chat name to welcome back fil.

AmazingPhil has changed the chat name to chris sucks.

dannyboy: i second that

crabstickzzz: wat did i do???

PJ: you’re really asking yourself that?

-

NOVEMBER 25TH

chris sucks

LouiseP: It’s been five days are you all dea?

crabstickzzz: yep im so dea

LouiseP: Oh shut up, like you can talk.

PJ: he never stops talking. don’t encourage him, for my sake.

crabstickzzz: do not

AmazingPhil: Do too

PJ: do too.

dannyboy: do too

crabstickzzz: alright i get it

LouiseP: Do too.

LouiseP: Whoops.

crabstickzzz: watevr

crabstickzzz: so dan have u figured out that ur gay yet

dannyboy: for the last time, im like 99% sure im straight

PJ: that’s 1% less than last time.

crabstickzzz: progress!!!

dannyboy: no its just that if evan peters wanted to fuck me, i wouldnt say no

LouiseP: Hardly anyone would.

dannyboy: see? it doesnt prove anything

AmazingPhil: well…

dannyboy: I THOUGHT YOU WERE ON MY SIDE

PJ: welcome to the dark side.

AmazingPhil: I just go for whatever side is winning! Can’t blame a man for surviving

dannyboy: thats not the saying

AmazingPhil: It is now!

dannyboy: weve been over this! you cant steal sayings and try to change them

AmazingPhil: I just did

dannyboy: why am i friends with you

crabstickzzz: bc u like him

dannyboy changed the chat name to ~ still not gay ~.

PJ: sure.

LouiseP: You say that a lot.

PJ: it’s because it’s needed. if dan didn’t deny the blatantly obvious, i wouldn’t have to be sarcastic all the time.

crabstickzzz: dont lie to urself

-

NOVEMBER 27TH

~ still not gay~

dannyboy: oh my god oh m y god

AmazingPhil: What?!

dannyboy: fcukin evan peters in ahs

AmazingPhil: ARE YOU WATCHING WITHOUT ME

dannyboy: maybe…

AmazingPhil: BETRAYAL

crabstickzzz: gayyyyyy

dannyboy: fuck off let me have this chris

PJ: yeah chris, fuck off.

dannyboy: thanks pj

PJ: it’s okay. also...

dannyboy: what

PJ: gayyyyy.

AmazingPhil: Okay but Dan has a point

LouiseP: True!

dannyboy: phil and louise are my only friends

crabstickzzz: danyul they both like guys doesnt that say something

dannyboy: psh whatever

-

DECEMBER 25TH

~ still not gay ~

dannyboy: ugh im stuck with sucky wifi away from home :(

AmazingPhil: Aw! Does that mean no skype tonight?

dannyboy: im using my data rn and its so slow, skype would be a nightmare. sorry phil

AmazingPhil: I’ll see you when you get back, then.

dannyboy: yeah :)

crabstickzzz: ugh stop flirting

PJ: yeah, get your own chat.

LouiseP: I think it’s cute.

dannyboy: yeah okay im leaving

PJ: he didn’t deny the flirting part though.

-

JANUARY 1ST

~ still not gay ~

dannyboy: new years and no one to kiss wow what a surprise

AmazingPhil: My offer still stands ;)

LouiseP: WAIT, WHAT OFFER?!

crabstickzzz: yeah wat offer

PJ: is no one gonna..?

PJ: okay fine I guess I’ll have to do it.

PJ: gayyyyyyy

AmazingPhil: I wish

dannyboy: keep dreaming philly ;)

LouiseP: I ship it.

PJ: join the club.

dannyboy: can anybody read what the title of this chat is

crabstickzzz: we can we just dont care

PJ: the only reason no one has changed it is because of its irony.

-

JANUARY 12TH

Private chat between dannyboy and AmazingPhil

dannyboy: ahH EVAN PETERS

AmazingPhil: Dan are you sure you’re not gay

dannyboy: well i mean i have liked girls before so even if i did like guys i wouldnt be gay

AmazingPhil: Bi?

dannyboy: maybe idk

dannyboy: but anyway EVAN PETERS

-

JANUARY 16TH

~ still not gay ~

dannyboy: this chat is so quiet

AmazingPhil: For the first time in forever

dannyboy: did you literally just reference Frozen

LouiseP: What’s wrong with Frozen?!

AmazingPhil: Yeah Dan what’s wrong with Frozen

PJ: he probably thinks its gay lmao.

crabstickzzz: dans literally the epitome of no homo

dannyboy: wow what a big word you used there chris

dannyboy: do you even know what it means

dannyboy: also i’ll have you know i have proudly never said no homo

AmazingPhil: I’ve tested that ;)

PJ: WOAH WHAT DID PHIL JUST MAKE A DIRTY JOKE?

LouiseP: PHIL, I THOUGHT I RAISED YOU TO BE A GOOD CHILD.

crabstickzzz: DAN WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM

dannyboy: wouldnt you like to know

crabstickzzz: wht te h fcuk

PJ: … GAYYYYYYY.

LouiseP: I second that.

AmazingPhil: I hope that

dannyboy: that doesnt make sense

PJ: okay, straight boy, he meant ‘fil hopes you’re gay, as in attracted to boys, no “no homo”’.

dannyboy: im not an idiot

crabstickzzz: debateble

dannyboy: debatable* dumbass

-

JANUARY 30TH

~ still not gay ~

dannyboy: HAPPY BIRTHDAY PHIL MY BEST FRIEND

LouiseP: Happy birthday! Wow, January went by quickly.

dannyboy: yeah can you believe that Phil Lester created January and the world was so hyped for his birthday it sped up time

PJ: oh my god, guys, holy shit.

crabstickzzz: what

PJ: DAN DIDN’T TALK ABOUT HOW BIRTHDAYS ARE A STEP CLOSER TO DEATH. AM I ALIVE?

crabstickzzz: hoLY FUCK UR RIGHT

LouiseP: Dan, you feeling okay?

dannyboy: jeez sorry for wishing my friend a happy birthday

AmazingPhil: I thought it was sweet

crabstickzzz: yeah we get it u love each other

PJ: they’re so cute but so gross.

dannyboy: i dont like phil cmon guys

AmazingPhil: I thought we had something :( you even forgot to talk about the inevitability of death for me :((((

PJ: hey, at least he didn’t say he doesn’t like guys or reference the chat name.

-

FEBRUARY 3RD

~ still not gay ~

dannyboy: ugh people suck

AmazingPhil: What happened?

dannyboy: nothing

PJ: sure.

LouiseP: You can tell us, Dan.

crabstickzzz: as long as its not blackmail worthy bc in that case dont be so sure

LouiseP: Chris.

crabstickzzz: i was joking, ofc he can tell us

dannyboy: nvm, i said it was nothing

-

Private chat between dannyboy and AmazingPhil

AmazingPhil: Seriously what happened

dannyboy: one of my old friends from uni keeps asking me when im getting a girlfriend or making jokes about my lack of love life every time he sees me and im sick of it

AmazingPhil: You’ve complained about him before and it you never seemed too bothered

dannyboy: yeah well…

AmazingPhil: ?

dannyboy: i know it shouldnt bother me but this time when i tried to ignore all of his questions about getting a girlfriend or whatever he said “you’re gonna turn gay and be alone”

dannyboy: like i know gay isnt an insult but at the same time it bugs me? is that wrong?

AmazingPhil: I don’t think so. Maybe it was just that he said something like that in the first place

dannyboy: maybe… or like some internalised homophobia idk i feel shitty

dannyboy: im just so tired of everyone asking me when im gonna get a relationship

dannyboy: my mum has been making hints at it lately

AmazingPhil: I love your mum but everyone should back off

dannyboy: this is cheesy but you’re the best

AmazingPhil: No problem <3

dannyboy: <3

-

FEBRUARY 4TH

~ still not gay ~

dannyboy: youll all be happy to know that i almost accidentally kissed a guy today

crabstickzzz: o H YM GOD DANYUL WELCOME TO THE GAY SIDE

dannyboy: a l m o s t + a c c i d e n t a l l y

PJ: sure.

dannyboy: i thought you had stopped with the sarcastic sures

PJ: keep dreaming, howell.

crabstickzzz: shut up time for the important qs

crabstickzzz: was it fil

LouiseP: Please for the love of god let it be Phil.

AmazingPhil: Let what be me

dannyboy: they’re freaking out over the almost kiss

AmazingPhil: Oh! Sorry guys, it wasn’t me

crabstickzzz: NOOOOOOOOO

PJ: sure.

LouiseP: Liesssssssssssssss.

dannyboy: it was this cute guy who ive been friends with for a while and we were messing around and whispering in each others ears to waste time during some meeting that was probably important and i turned just as he was whispering something and our lips almost touched

dannyboy: we jumped back just in time

PJ: there was so much gay in that that I can’t even form a coherent reason as to why it was gay.

AmazingPhil: Can you believe that Dan cheated on me :(((((()(09()

crabstickzzz: CUTE GUY? WHISPERING IN EARS? HOWL U R GAY OK

PJ: good news, chris just said my reasons for me.

LouiseP: Who’s the lucky guy?

dannyboy: first of all, weve been over this. i know when someone is cute, guy or girl. second of all, we were whispering creepy stuff like “mayonnaise” to try and freak each other out and third of all, not telling because id know you guys would stalk him

AmazingPhil: I know who it is ;)

PJ: i bet it’s phil.

dannyboy: nope. i said CUTE guy

AmazingPhil: HEY!

dannyboy: kidding. but no, it wasnt phil

-

FEBRUARY 8TH

~ still not gay ~

LouiseP: Alright, for today we put a halt on the usual Dan is gay discourse.

dannyboy: thank you friend

PJ: why? did someone die?

crabstickzzz: BREAKING TRADITION IS NOT ALLWD!!!

LouiseP: Shush, let me talk about a cute guy I saw today.

LouiseP: Anyway how do I ask him out?

AmazingPhil: Wait until Valentines and anonymously get him a rose.

dannyboy: ask him out or let your feelings pile up and watch him inevitably move on because you’re too scared to make a move

PJ: talk to him on the internet until you become best friends and be gay oops i meant straight for each other.

crabstickzzz: love poems via mysterious skype calls no one gets to know the contents of

LouiseP: The last two are unrealistic. Who talks to a stranger on the internet??? Stanger danger!1!!1!

dannyboy: fil i think theyre picking on us

AmazingPhil: Fair enough

dannyboy: YOURE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE

-

FEBRUARY 11TH

~ still not gay ~

dannyboy: i cant wait to get nothing on valentines

LouiseP: Same.

AmazingPhil: Same

PJ: same.

crabstickzzz: sam

crabstickzzz: samr*

crabstickzzz: SAME****

dannyboy: this chat is so depressing

dannyboy: also learn how to spell

crabstickzzz: np

crabstickzzz: no*

-

FEBRUARY 13TH

~ still not gay ~

dannyboy changed the chat name to ~ not gay, but bi ~

crabstickzzz: I KNEW IR

dannyboy: shush

crabstickzzz: I FCUKIGN KNEWS IT

dannyboy: you saw nothing

crabstickzzz: YOURE BI

dannyboy: i was right about not being gay though

crabstickzzz: BUT I KNEW YOU WERENT STRAIGHT

PJ: WOAH WOAH WAIT WHAT’S HAPPENIGN OH MT FGDPL.

LouiseP: PJ ISN’T USING FULL STOPS!!! HE’S BROKEN!

LouiseP: DAN, YOU’VE BROKEN ALL OF US!!!

dannyboy: I SAID I WAS 99% SURE I WAS STRAIGHT

crabstickzzz: I WAS RIGHT AND YOU WERE WRONG

dannyboy: NO YOU THOUGHT I WAS GAY

dannyboy: WE WERE ALL WRONG

PJ: S T I L L.

AmazingPhil: This is so amusing

LouiseP: WHY ISN’T PHIL JOINING OUR FREAKING OUT?!

dannyboy: … might have came out already yesterday maybe haha dont kill me

PJ: WHAT?

crabstickzzz: FUK U FIL AND DANYUL

LouiseP: AND YOU’RE ONLY TELLING US NOW??????

dannyboy: yeah well coming out to phil was the first time ive ever done it so it was a little emotionally exhausted and i shook so much that i needed to recharge

AmazingPhil: He was so nervous but I’m proud of him

PJ: yeah, same.

LouiseP: I second that!

crabstickzzz: I FUCKING NKEW TOU WERE GAY

AmazingPhil: I thought we had gotten past this bit

dannyboy: chris, read the new name. im still not gay, just extremely bi

crabstickzzz: sry but i cant believe ur finally coming out

LouiseP: If you don’t mind me asking, what made you realise you were bi?

dannyboy: it all started with this one guy in high school who was so fucking hot and i had like a teensy bit of a crush on him and omg he was so pretty and one time i saw him literally leaning against a wall with his hair messed up and i died

dannyboy: i thought it was a one-time thing and i wasnt really sure if it counted considering ive only ever been attracted to girls before that, but recently ive just come to terms with that and the other thing

crabstickzzz: WHICH IS

dannyboy: nnnnnnnothing

PJ: sure.

AmazingPhil: Ha you guys aren’t on best friend level, so of course you don’t know

crabstickzzz: r00d

dannyboy: dont worry he doesnt know either, hes just being a little shit

AmazingPhil: Love you too

LouiseP: Can you imagine how much we would’ve freaked out over Phil’s message in August?

PJ: seasons change and people do too, apparently.

-

FEBRUARY 14TH

~ not gay, but bi ~

dannyboy: [image attached] someone sent me this chocolate rose with a note saying “- Voldemort” i wonder who that could be??!?!?

PJ: yeah, can anyone think of a super pale nerd who likes Harry Potter almost as much as Dan does and knows where he lives??? I’m coming up blank!!!1!!

LouiseP: Awwww, that’s so sweet!

crabstickzzz: barf

AmazingPhil: Thanks Louise I spent 2 whole pounds on it

dannyboy: spending so much for his boyfriend ew sap stop wasting money

PJ: bOYFRIEND?

crabstickzzz: WAIT I THOUGHT U 2 WERE JUST BEING WEIRD AND PLATONIC COUPLEY LIKE U ALWAYS R AND UR TELLING ME UR DATING

AmazingPhil: It turns out that the “other thing” Dan mentioned was him liking me

dannyboy: and also staring at his lips whenever he talks to me and thinkingaboutkissingthemmaybehah

LouiseP: CONGRATS, GUYS!

PJ: this is like my OTP.

crabstickzzz: *teenage girl voice* OH MY GOD MY OTP

dannyboy: lets leave before they start being weird

AmazingPhil: They’re our friends, don’t worry so much

crabstickzzz: so like did your first kiss involve tongue or

AmazingPhil: Yeah, bye.

crabstickzzz: he didnt say no

LouiseP: cHRIS.

dannyboy: if you must know, it involved NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

dannyboy has left the chat.

AmazingPhil has left the chat.

PJ: …there was definitely tongue.

LouiseP: Agreed.