#i love james but for fucks sake i cant even put Harry James Potter because everything is about hos dad

[soupinaboot]

For the love of God, if you are writing a story or a movie or anything like that, please do NOT title it the name of the main character. Do you have any idea what it is like trying to find good content about them? It's fucking hard.

[scaredofrobots]

The Oath Pt 7

ON A03 / FFN CAUSE OLD

Sunday is the first good morning in a long time.

James wakes up before Sirius and goes to the store.

He’s got a project planned and doesn’t want to delay.

Although he spends more time at the mall than he intended- he doesn’t fuck up the muggle money (for once) and is damn proud of himself.

When he gets home Sirius is pouting until he sees James has brought breakfast (which is from a terrifying place called Waffle House Sirius is obsessed with) and forgives James instantly. They chat over greasy hash browns and too much bacon about seeing Lily again and what they want to do when they go back to England.

That is until James brings up his project.

The project which is somehow totally offensive to Sirius.

“YOUR BEARD?!?” Sirius exclaims, “but we look so distinguished!”

“I never said you had to shave...I just think that it's time,” James lies, “war is over...no need to continue the rugged soldier look.”

“If you’re wanting to get Evans to drop trou I’m pretty sure the rugged soldier look is going to be more effective,” Sirius grumbles

James takes a breath counts to ten. The he rolls his eyes and tells Sirius, “I’m not letting you piss me off today.”

SIrius chuckles and retorts, “Good luck- but you better get started. It took you long enough to shave when there was nothing there. I imagine this is going to last until phone call time so I am going out. I have Disneyworld tickets to buy and a day to plan for my godson”

And with that Sirius picked up their trash and headed to the kitchen.

Once Sirius is done, James heads into the loo to begin his project.

The “Rugged Soldier Look” is just a name he has given to his beard to avoid the truth.

James has gotten very good at avoiding the truth- to avoiding anything that makes him look past his disguise and see the man he has become.

He has created two versions of himself in his mind.

‘Before James’ and ‘After James’.

He hopes that in some small way- removing the beard, seeing his face for the first time in nearly a decade will take him back to ‘Before’ to a man that Lily will recognize, a man that Lily will still love and someone that by some fucking miracle she might forgive.

He begins to trim his beard and tries not to remember.

Growing a beard had started not by choice. Being locked in a dungeon deprives you of many things, and shaving is one of them. Near the beginning, he had asked….but they thought he’d use a razor to slit his wrists or someone's throat so he was denied.

James had been appalled. But now, now he’d done so many things that sounded laughable in comparison. He thinks this as he lathers his face with shaving cream.

After Sirius had come, and they’d set their plan to join he denied shaving again. Sirius convinced him to “make it look neat for fucks sake” and he’d agreed. Sirius joined in solidarity. Sirius had always hated the Hogwarts facial hair rule and was glad to grow it.

James grew a beard to hide.

To hide his disgust with the choices he was making.

To make himself unrecognizable in the mirror

The first swipe of his razor takes him back to his first mission.

Where he had to prove loyalty.

This first thing is the one thing he isn’t sure… it will be the last thing he will tell Lily….he isn’t sure if she will forgive him for it.

But he will tell her.

Even if it is the last thing he tells her.

He might not tell her for years- he might tell her tomorrow.

He has seen what secrets can do to people in the aftermath of this war. James has been so much a part of that destruction he feels cursed with his chance.

A chance at a fresh start.

They’d joined up shortly after James killed Pettigrew.

Sirius and Regulus- ever the storytellers revealed that Peter had come to set James free, and that James refused because he had finally “seen the error of his ways”.

Regulus had done an amazing job of having enough visits with James logged to prove it. That Regulus had convinced James and that Peter had been turned back by Dumbledore.

Sirius, of course, would follow James anywhere and that was their story.

The first time James had to smile at Voldemort, to kiss his foot and take the mark.

Then the tests.

There were many.

Anyone deemed less  than a pureblood was fair game.

The last thing he would tell Lily happened on the third day of tests.

James arrived into the atrium.

He’d barely slept the night before.

He was sure he would be discovered and that today was a trap.

James stopped short when he saw Severus Snape.

His jaw twitched. And he kept himself from lunging forward or drawing his wand.

That fucking bastard. If his final test was to kill Snape he would do it.

He would do it in so many violent ways Voldemort would never question him again.

“Potter,” Voldemort drawled, “Severus here says you were with each other at Hogwarts.  Close to enemies although you both had similar tastes in your filthy attraction to muggle borns.”

Swallowing his rage at the insult to Lily, James put on his best grin and said “Yes- well it seems we both woke up to our perversions and are trying to atone for them.”

“Yes….yes...well Severus here doesn’t believe you. I asked him for the one thing you wouldn’t do and well….I’ll just let you see for yourself.”

The doors opened and two death eaters brought forth a child.

A red headed boy who was cursing like mad.

“A muggleborn,” Voldemort announced in a bored voice.

James raged. He pushed it down and said deceptively calm, “What shall I do to it my lord?”

Voldemort grinned and Snape looked surprised-almost disappointed.

“Well- we know how effectively you are with Avada Kedavra…” Voldemort started

‘Good,’ James thought ‘Quick then. I can pay for my sins later.’

“But I’m feeling a little bored. Cruciatus I think….and then….make him forget everything about magic. We’ll send him to an orphanage to live with the filth like him,” he finished.

James nodded. Held up his wand and for a split second hesitated and then, “Crucio”.

Three hours later, there was no need for obliviate.

James rinses his face and looks into the mirror.

For a moment, he doesn’t recognize himself. Has he become so broken that even his old face can’t hide the brokenness?

Suddenly the phone rings, breaking him from his thoughts. Sirius must’ve returned while he was away because he hears his voice answer the phone, “Nigel Babbington’s office- how can I help you?”  

James wipes the remaining shaving cream off and tries to listen to what Sirius is saying. He hears “Evans” and darts to the living room. He tries to snatch the phone out of Sirius’ hand but is stopped. Sirius holds the receiver ever higher and tells him “You look like you’re fifteen”. James lunges and Sirius takes the opportunity to jump with the phone over the back of the couch.

James glares before Sirius tells him, “Calm down Prongs, Evans was mine first and I didn’t get to talk to her yesterday and you’re going to be intolerable when you reunite so I want 3 minutes.”

Starting to pace James tells him, “I’m watching the time.”

For three minutes all James can do is ignore Sirius and Lily’s conversation, pace, and stare at his watch.

It is a long fucking three minutes.

He tells Sirius, “Times up!” and somehow Sirius gets another minute.

James all but snatches the phone from Sirius and can only think to say “Hi, How was your day?”

The response is Lily’s laugh. So normal. Maybe they will be ok.

He listens to her talk about trying to get Harry to actually fucking pack. She outlines tomorrow and when she drops something on the other end she exclaims “SHIT FUCK!”

James scolds her, “Lily- please don’t fucking curse in front of our child.”

Lily scoffs and retorts, “Well I would watch my language but he did call a kid an arsehole on the playground the other day for bullying someone- so I think it is a lost cause”

“Sounds like his mother- that does,” James tells her and he is struck, not for the first time about how nervous he is to be a dad...will he be good enough? Will Harry like him?

Lily seems to sense this and tells him, “Well I think your son might wear a hole into this floor if I don’t let him talk to you soon. I’ll give some warning before we are out of quarters.”

Harry gets on the phone and James enters another world. His son is fascinating. He’s so articulate and funny and James has missed so much. He can’t wait to see him, to hug him and to learn about him in person. James is so excited by Harry’s description of football he feels like the air is sucked out of the room when Harry says, ““Well, Dad we’re almost out of time- Love you- here’s Mum”

He is extremely disappointed until he hears Lily again, ““Well, James- I suppose I’ll see you tomorrow”

Tomorrow. He can manage that.

His voice thick James tells her, “I suppose so….I love you Lil. I-I can’t wait.”

“I love you too- think you can keep Sirius in line for 24 more hours?” Lily asks

And her response is so Lily, trying to make sure he knows things will be ok- that some things well be the same he is obliged to respond, “Only if you promise to take him off my hands for the next ten years”

“You’ve got yourself a deal.”

And then the line goes dead.

James cant stop smiling for the rest of the night.

After he brushes his teeth- he looks in the mirror again.

He is smiling and for the first time in ten years, he almost recognizes himself.