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payservewomen · 11 months ago

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I’m tempted to say “I’ve hit a new low”😔 but in reality, I’ve been at rock bottom for…a very long time. Years I suppose.

But at least a few years ago, I interacted with women outside of work. But now? I don’t even leave my bedroom on my days off from work.

I sit on my bed, watching humiliation clips; calling ignore phone lines; taking embarrassing photos of myself; edging myself, oftentimes for many hours(almost never less than 4hrs. up to 12hrs)

The one newer development is- I’ll edge for a while, but then the sadness/anxiety makes me go limp….or i’ll be semi hard but my loser penis only grows slightly larger.

It’s like i’m trying to keep in as small as possible, because I know it should be teeny tiny. It CAN grow to 7in but considering how pathetic I am, part of me wishes I had a microdick. Then I could forget these thoughts i have of becoming a normal person again.

Then I could search 24/7 for a superior woman who wants to use and abuse me.

I fantasize about meeting a woman and dating….Getting comfortable with her to the point that I’m able to do the best I’m capable of in making her orgasm…. But then we open up and share kinks etc….and i know as time goes on, there will be many times my dick doesn’t work.

Slowly over time, she realizes just how much of a beta i am, and begins flirting with real, confident men.

By this time, we’re living together; Maybe one month she asks me to cover all the rent, then bills and spends her money on going out….Then a “friend” of hers(maybe with a unisex name that’s usually a woman’s name)is coming into town; she offers our place to stay….Tells me to make dinner etc saying “ali loves lobster tails and filet mignon! I know ur low on money, but it’s ok! I’ll still have enough left until ur next paycheck! Thanks sweetie! Maybe we’ll meet at the airport, then I’ll let you know when we’re on our way, flight gets in i think about 5pm but who knows if it’ll be on time”

I get off work, begin prepping everything….texting her asking if ali’s plane arrived at 5:30….”it did but we’re tryna find the luggage etc. With traffic it’ll take quite a while, plan for a late dinner!”

By 6:30, still nothing, so i text then call to find her phones off.

I figure she’ll probably be walking in any minute….So i check the “find my iphone” tryna be extra sweet and have everything timed perfectly. I see it moved from the airport towards home and begin making dinner….Until i realize another hour has passed. I check it again to see it’s been somewhere between home and the airport for 2 hours now!

Next thing i know, it’s 10, then 11, then 12 midnight!

I’m dozing off and finally see a text “Omg babe i’m sorry! I lost track of time! Ali said getting a hotel room would be easier, and we’ve just been catching up but ugh it got so late and you know how i don’t like to drive at night anyway, so I’m just gonna stay here tonight, see ya tomorrow!”

I just fall asleep, and wake in the AM to see several weird video texts from a number i don’t know….I hear giggling and a man’s voice….almost seeming like someone’s trying to record something and my gf saying “no stop don’t! that’s mean ali!” There’s at least 4-5 clips like that, the last one ending with my girlfriends sexy belly on the screen. I figure ohhh they’re just having fun i guess? But it did give me a bad feeling in my stomach….

Those vids were sent at about 1am. Then at 2am, just a close up of what i’m sure is my gf’s skin, but i can’t tell what part of her body…..but the audio on it was simply my gfs voice sounding like she’s whining or moaning or something? and saying “mmmmm ohhhhk fuck it”

Then 30mins later the clip begins blacked out, but with clear audio…just sounds like licking and slurping….Then a man’s voice “yeah worship it bitch. Now, say it” then the phone moves, showing an arrogant looking man smiling, then it slowly pans down over his entire perfectly fit muscular body….very slowly, stopping on each part of his stunningly perfect body….i mean this guy had an 8pack! Absolutely chiseled in every way. Then it stops to show his abs and v-lines, and then slowly shows his balls…I didn’t know balls could actually be that big!

Then slowly as possible, the camera moves to show the thickest cock i’ve ever seen!

Then the vids stop…but there’s a text at 4am with only an address….my gf knows i wake up for work at 4am…

i call and text her but her phones off ofc. I go to work, and finally around noon, my gf calls saying she’s going shopping with Ali, saying she didn’t bring any of her credit cards asking if i’ve got any money left…i tell her i’m not sure how much, but i’ve got $500 in a sportsbook app from winning the night before…”omg babe that’s perfect! Don’t worry i can move it from there, is it your normal password?” I answer yes, and ask her just to leave at least $100 or so….

And ask if theyre gonna be having dinner tonight…”yeah sweetie we are! I’ll let you know when we’re on the way”

I ask her wtf all those vids were. and who that guy was and she replies “huh? Wait what? You’re telling me you got videos from a random number?! And it had a perfect man’s body with a horse cock?! Lol babe i dunno what websites you’ve been visiting but i’d imagine it’s something to do with that!🤣 What?! u think i’m cheating on you with an old friend or something?! jk! Love u babe”

I hang up the phone and immediately get the same text with the same address, i look up the address to find a really really nice hotel is there. Then another text comes through simply saying “penthouse suite, beta cuck”

Then another text….just a screenshot of a receipt from stub hub for tickets to the nuggets game that night, 5:10pm. 2 tickets, $250 each, wow, better than i’ve ever had for sure.

Then one more text again with the hotels address, saying “ur welcome to stop by whenever, but i suggest you either wait for us to get there or something. not getting up to open the door if we busy fuckin. Can’t wait to see your bitch ass cry🤣”

This one hits me like a ton of bricks and it’s feeling more n more that it’s gotta be exactly what it seems….but no way she’d do this to me!

The great part of our relationship is complete and total honesty and openness! My gf, allison is kinky and loves to be a dirty slut, and we have talked about her fucking others, maybe even a gangbang!

But we’d only done a handful of super kinky things….we’re both submissive so it’s kinda hard to push it and try really crazy n kinky things….we both need that more aggressive attitude!

But i know she loves me deeply. We’ve such an intensely strong emotional connection, more than either of us ever have!

Still no word from my gf and it’s 8pm. At 9pm she finally texts me but it’s the exact same as from the other phone number and it’s just the hotel address and room number…..I call her back, and it rings and rings until going to voicemail. Maybe she didn’t hear it, i call again…it rings 3-4times, less than the last time, then goes to voicemail. I try again and it rings twice then voicemail….Again, same thing. I call yet AGAIN, prob the 6th time and it goes straight to voicemail!

I check the phone locator app and see her phone was at ball arena(nuggets play there)the length of the game….and moved to exactly where the hotel is.

I get dressed, now fearing the worst, but thinking “ok this makes no sense! Either she’s playing some joke on me; something weird like that or some surprise for me?”But i do realize that the most likely thing is…maybe she’s been partying with her friend, she cheated and isn’t sure how to deal with me…..But what’s up with the pics etc? ofc she’s aware of my pervy kinks etc, and she’s prob making it seem like she’s cheating on me, i’m hoping!

I walk to the light rail station, and get on the train….Ugh yeh don’t have the money to get an uber…i checked my bet365 account to see its at zero!

Wtf?! I had some futures bets….ones i could cash out for about $250 total, but they were all just cashed out! i’ve not one bet at all and no money here!

I see that $800 was withdrawn and my bank account was credited $800! But $500 used for the tickets, and $300 spent at some weird fancy store downtown.

Ok that’s it i’ve gotta see what’s up as i’m sitting on the train, mind running wild. Fuck, i gotta get off and walk 20mins, then get a bus!

I get off the train, walking to the bus stop…..Bus finally comes and oh fuck, as i’m tryna buy a bus ticket on the app(for $2.75) It dawns on me “fuck i don’t have enough money in my account” i look at the driver and say “i’m not sure why it’s not working” he looks at it and says “yeah cuz you’re card is being declined, sorry” and closes the doors.

I’m defeated and want to cry. Looking at google, i see it’ll take 2.5 hours to walk there….

It’s now almost 10pm and i consider going back home, but then wtf?! I can’t just sit at home wondering wtf is going on!

So i walk and walk…i watch the clip again and again of the perfect man’s body, fantasizing that the woman i’m in love with is cheating on me in the meanest way possible….Finally, it’s after midnight and I arrive at the hotel….I ask the front desk how to get to the penthouse, and she tells me “the elevator is right over there, but Sir, there isn’t anyone staying there right now”

I thank her and walk away tryna figure out what to do.

I text my gf asking why she texted me that address. she texts back right away with another address! I lose it and call a few times, each time it’s sent to voicemail. I text her back yelling “OK WTF is going on?! What’s your problem? Tell me what’s happening right fucking now!”

She texts back “i’m sorry sweetie, i didn’t mean to upset you! Just having fun with my friend, sorry guess i didn’t realize….I’ll be home tonight, but we’re out, omg babe i’m so drunk! I’ll see you at home, probably late!”

So i begin to walk back home…and remember the light rail isn’t running anymore….Now, I’ve got a 3.5 hour walk!

Finally i arrive home, it rained a little and i’m soaked, socks wet, and miserable and exhausted….

I open the door and hear slurping sounds and my gf giggling. My heart sinks and i already know what’s happening….I yell “wtf are you laughing about?! The fuck is wrong with you, ur being a fucking bitch!”

And i see the same man from the clips emerge from my bedroom, butt naked….he’s holding my favorite shirt, sweat dripping off his immaculate body and he wipes it off, then wipes his asshole with it, now it has skidmarks and throws it at me, saying “wtf did you say bitch?”

I ask who he is and what he’s doing at my place he replies “whatever tf i feel like doing faggot!” I say no it’s my place, and no i’m not gay” i emphasize gay, since i’m not a fan of bigotry and homophobia…”yeh didn’t say your gay, but you ARE a bitch ass faggot! Wtf you gonna do about it, huh? that’s wtf i thought, now, on your knees…obey or i’m gonna beat you up so badly….maybe you’ll get outta the hospital by the time i get out of jail, but it’s your choice” while making his pecs bounce in a very intimidating way. he walks up to me cracking his knuckles saying “ya know, i really DO hope you put up a fight; nobody ever wants to fight me” I look him up and down, knowing he’d kill me quickly….He’s gotta be a foot taller than me….im 5’9 and he’s gotta be at least 6’6!

I ask if i can take my shoes and wet socks off first and he laughs then slaps me in the face, open handed but hard, immediately followed by a left handed slap, i lose my balance and stumble to my knees, then i say “ok ok” on my knees looking up at him.

“Thank me for bullying you. Do it bitch” i thank him, he laughs, spits on me and gives me a wedgie….i make noise indicating it’s hurting, and he proceeds to give me an atomic wedgie…laughs then demands i take my clothes off but keep my wet socks on….

He laughs hysterically at my dick and shouts “baby, how tf were you actually fucking THIS?! omfg, ok come on slut”

And i see my love…she’s crawling on all fours..crawls up to this greek god and begins kissing his feet. She works her way up his legs, as she kisses and licks literally every inch of his perfect body.

Ali then says “ok now, don’t make me tell you again”

She looks me directly in my eyes “Bobby, keep looking in my eyes, ali says we must keep eye contact and he’s in charge here, ok? Please listen to what he says, i don’t want you to get hurt, i really don’t…not physically anyway. I say that because i i i DO want you to get emotionally hurt. I am sorry but when Ali told me he wanted to fuck me, i told him about you. Over months he kept teasing me for fucking such a loser; i love you but you are a loser. He’s been sending me pics of him, and the girls he fucks and omg babe, they cum so hard, and I fondly remembered being fucked by ali. I broke up with him cuz he cheated constantly and i thought that wasn’t ok, Now i realize how superior he is. It’s a small price to pay to be allowed to touch a superior man, im sure you understand. After i admitted how badly i wanted him he began insulting you and making fun of you. He made me take pics and record our sex, and that’s why i haven’t cum in so long, he said i wasn’t allowed with a loser like you. Ali is a sadist, he loves to make women worship him and loves nothing more than breaking beta men like you. That’s not an insult; you’re a beta, he’s an alpha, ya know?

He’s been planning for months to do this….it’s his masterpiece of destroying a loser!”

By this time i’m crying, tears streaming down my face…

“now bobby, we’re recording all of this and you’re now going to thank ali for making your fantasies come true. I know it hurts; the goal is to break you. Ali and i will marry, and you will work for us and live in a tiny room in the basement. U will be used and abused. I know it hurts but this is your new life now. Sure you can run away or something, but then ali will send all the vids and clips to your entire contact list.

But right now you’re going to beg ali to let you eat his sweaty asshole, do it you fucking piece of shit!” By this time ali is rubbing her pussy with his foot and it’s making her horny af….mmm fuck, i fucking hate you loser!” And she spits on me, confusing and hurting me.

I begin to beg to eat his asshole….

And wow, I began this planning on just whining about being so sad and pathetic but then wrote all this…wow i’ve got issues

#findom humiliation #beta bitch #loser abuse #loser humiliation #self humiliation #degrade and humiliate me #findom addiction #beta #verbal humiliation #pathetic loser #alpha man #beta loser #pathetic men #pathetic sissy #beta slave #pussy free loser #gross loser #humiliation task

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enrapture · 2 years ago

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I think I’m on the upswing of my sickness or whatever the fuck I have rn, fuck my job and fuck that no boundaries having bitch at work (who got me sick / I’ve prob been having allergies on top of it) . although, I’ve been eating small meals here and there am trying to avoid dairy products rn (I found a list on google what to eat / drink while sick and I’m trying it out) and eat mostly** chicken noodle soup with crackers, ginger with turmeric tea c: spoonfuls of honey, 4hr allergy pill, and got multi fruit (naked) brand drink and some orange juice, I made banana nut muffins I ate a tiny bit of something with garlic in it. And getting a lot a lot of rest! (I need to drink a lot more water though. A lot more. My adhd makes me procrastinate it. actually makes me procrastinate e v e r y t h I n g 😭😵‍💫)

I haven’t been keeping in touch with people as much and or literally no one hits me up anyway BUT !!!! I’m trying my best to focus on myself and my health and do all I can. Be on here and try to be a little more social… it’s just been a little hard because I’ve lacked energy the past few days, very fatigued dizzy headed, throat sore and scratchy, very disoriented as if I’m watching someone control my body sickly weird feeling, (at least that’s what I was dealing with at work / few days ago) can’t miss work or else I will be fired so I have to stay and work everyday that I’m scheduled even when I spoke to my boss about it. (I hate this job so much) but I might be moving soon maybe within the next few months or so idk. So that’s in the works probably idk… Will keep posted.

almost lost my voice this morning but thanks to doing the above remedies I got from the grocery they’ve helped my body a lot! I didn’t feel weird or lacked much energy too much and didn’t feel fatigued at all today although i did take a small nap im about to take another one. I felt a tiny bit disoriented in the grocery but ya know how those lights can be with all the colored goods and shit. But Overall I think I’m doing better :)))) i didn’t feel like absolute dogshit like I did the other two days. So I think I’m doing okay and will start getting and feeling much better soon. I’ve noticed I’ve lost a good bit of weight all over from working at my stupid strenuous job and from being sick… I thought that was interesting. I’m trying to do all home remedies as much as possible to feel better. And just wanted to give y’all a little update on me and why I haven’t been posting as much or whatever if at all or responding or anything like that. As this is my safe place where I can be myself and be open and honest with what’s going on instead of keeping it to myself and leaving y’all who care in the dark. and felt that you all know the real me vs what everyone else sees who knows me irl although if you follow me here and know me irl congrats you know me fully pat yourself on the back. But yeah… idk I just am trying to say: Thank you for reading / caring and supportin me. I haven’t forgotten or ignored any of you and hope to post soon maybe tomrrow (today) :,) thanks for checking in and thanks for understanding me and loving me unconditionally. Im giving you all hugs and sending lots of love for you all 💕💕💕💕💕♥️♥️♥️♥️🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤💘💘💘💘💘💝💝💝💝💝💝😻😻😻😻😻😻🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰💖💖💞💞💞💞💓💓💓💓mwah mwah mwah !! Thank you.

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yakultii · 10 months ago

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I ain't scared, I just thought I might get the most best answer this way..I'm wondering what poet or poem you read (or were read in your childhood) that had you looking for more and aspiring to write your own? If it was a traumatic event, I feel you there. .it can really help to read a complete stranger's words of pain, when they harmonize with our own. I admit, I have only read a couple of your poems but I love your voice, keep on keepin on ☮️ 🕉 💛

HAHA DW I LOVE ANONS <33333 I encourage it.

HONESTLY no poetry inspired me to write poetry (IRONIC) I thought I hated poetry!!!! I’ve written many things since I was a kid but always been more of an essay kinda dude..I attempted to read poetry a few times over my lifetime and mostly it made no sense to me..I thought it was just a bunch of pretentious ppl flexing their advanced vocab (which honestly I lack bc of a whole other story I won’t get into and maybe I was just jealous) - the only time I wrote a poem was back in final yr of highschool lit class when my brain was malnourished af and writing it made me want to kms plus I had major imposter syndrome (and then my lovely grandma went and sent it in to a poetry magazine without me knowing and it got published and still I didn’t think poetry was for me) only in more recent times I no longer have access to a psych who I can send weekly 3000 word emails to and I needed to do something so that I would stop driving myself completely insane bc I also live alone 4hrs from family and no friends so have noone to save me but myself so I started writing every day on wattpad like a digital diary entry(today was day 118 in a row) then I started to see others who had written poetry and combined w the fact that I’ve come very far over the yrs in terms with perfectionism (as in not needing to be) I found myself in a place realising that poetry didn’t have to be “good” and that I could just make it work for me. I could just write for myself. To get things out (even tho it’s only like 5% of my mind). It didn’t need to look impressive for others etc like what I used to think poetry did… so yeah basically poetry is just my budget therapy now and a tool to prevent me from ending things :))))) everything I write about (so far, at time of writing) is from real life experience and I love using it as an outlet to say the things that wouldn’t be taken so well if they were said out loud.. cause everyone has some sort of darker side whether they are exposed to it or not and whilst I do hold onto a lot of hope I love being able to have an outlet to get the rot out of me or at least create something with it so it’s not completely useless and all consuming. ALSO I think it’s cool that poetry allows you to turn your words into art. I’ve always loved art and ppl consider me arty or whatevs but I can’t draw or paint (well - not that it matters) so this is kinda something that comes more naturally to me! (I’ve only been writing poetry for 4 months now so hopefully I can only get better)… AND THANK THE LORD in the meantime as I have come to write my own poetry I am now able to appreciate other people’s poetry, I can understand it more, I can be inspired by it, I can admire it. I get it now. Or at least I think I’m starting to get it…. But to answer ur question l wouldn’t say it was a singular traumatic event which inspired it but rather a combined experience of like 20 genuinely traumatic events combined with being neurodiverse & a lifetime of various mental illnesses which I wouldn’t say are all treated etc. and quite honestly having read NOTHING in the past which resonated with the depth of my own experience so I thought you know what I know I can’t be the only one feeling this, I’m gonna try write my own! If I can’t read it I’ll write it and hope I can be that for someone else I guessss

SOZ FOR RANT IDK HOW TO STFU AND THANK YOU FOR READING A FEW OF MY POEMS AND THANK YOU FOR THIS QUESTION ILY HAVE A LOVELY DAY <33

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fumbling-fanfics · 5 years ago

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Imagine having a second child with Viktor Drago...

So I wrote this because @lady-olive-oil was insistant on killing people off, lol. Love you Liv!

I also kind of forgot I wrote this so there was more I wanted to write but I forgot those parts.

**********************************************

You weren't meant to give birth so early. But here you were sitting in a nice relaxing bath, Lily on the bathroom floor drawing more pictures for Viktor while you soaked. If you were honest the contractions had started early in the morning, but they varied between 4hrs and 3 minutes apart. So you had ignored them. But now it was 2 in the afternoon you were pretty sure you were having contractions - the proper ones.

"Lily baby, can you pass mommy here phone please" her little head popped up beside the bath with a big smile. "Are you going to ring daddy? Can I talk to him?" she asked as she disappeared out of the bathroom.

Viktor should have been the one you were going to call but he wasn't.

"I'm going to call Aunt Jenny" you smile kissing her forehead in thanks letting her get back to her drawing. "I'll make Aunt Jenny a picture too" she states, paper rustling about. You pressed the call button next to Jenny's picture (a picture of her and lily at the beach) and waited for her to answer.

"Thank god you called. I'm so tired, I'm literally falling asleep at my desk… What's new?" she sang.

"Code Red" you whispered down the phone.

"Huh?" you can hear the frowns of confusion on Jenny's face. "Oh, Lily, I can go get her from preschool" you could here her moving around more on her end.

"No, Lily's here with me-"

"Hi Aunt Jenny!" Lily called from the floor, voice echoing off the bathroom tiles.

"Oh" Jenny was frowning again.

"The other code red, the new one. The second one" you watched Lily for a reaction but she was absorbed back into her drawing.

"Shit" Jenny shouted.

"Shit, shit, shit! SHIT! Are you sure? It's not those fake ones, those pickle hiccup contraction things" she panicked, you could hear things being knocked around and a draw open and then slam closed.

"You mean Braxton Hicks, and no"

"You're not due for like another 2 months, I'm looking at my calendar. It says on my calender" you could hear her voice go up an octave in panic. You were pretty sure she was also poking the calender too.

Jenny was down as your second birthing partner, after Viktor of course. But since Viktor was away for a fight that was still wasn't due for another 6 weeks, Jenny had happily (and in a drunken state) assured Viktor she'd be your number two should anything happen. But it would be fine because nothing would happen because you still had two months to go.

"I know, I know...Can you maybe come anyway, and maybe it'll be fine by the time you get here"

"Of course, I'm leaving now" she hung up quickly.

"Will Auntie Jenny bring me jellies" Lily asked, pencils poised in her hand.

"Maybe" you laugh, glad she oblivious to what's happening.

By the time Jenny arrived you were out of the bath and sitting in the living room on your yoga ball wondering if you should call Viktor or not.

He'd flown back to the states to fight again, and really concentrate on getting ready as this opponent was almost equal in size to Viktor. You knew if you called him he'd freak out and even fly back (or walk if he had to).

"(Y/n)!!!" Jenny practically screamed, slamming the door closed. You could hear her but not see her. Lily sprinted off to find her Aunt, and reappeared on Jenny's hip.

"Are they for real?" she asked looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

"I think so, they've just got worse"

"Auntie bought me jellies!" Lily waved the box and then wriggled out of Jenny's arms and ran off. At least she was occupied.

****

“Is it okay to make a call?" you asked in the back of the ambulance. The female paramedic nodded as she carried on writing things down.

Jenny was following in her car with Lily and your hospital bags.

You pressed the call button and held the phone against your ear. There was a series of tial tones, including the international one.

"Hello" it was a quick, short answer.

"Ivan, it's y/n" slight relief washed over you hearing his voice.

"Hello. You want to speak to Viktor?"

"No, no, no, no, no" there were too many no's for Ivan's liking - he felt worried but the fact you weren't crying and he could understand you made him worry a tiny bit less.

Ivan said something in Russian but you couldn't hear, it was muffled, like he had his hand over the mouthpiece. There was the sound of a metal door slamming closed and then silence.

"What's wrong?"

"The baby, its early" there was a long pause from both of you - you both didn't know what to say.

"I'll get Viktor"

"No don't...I mean I know he needs to know, but not right now. You know he'll get on the first plane back, won't think twice about the fight. I can't let him do that." Ivan said nothing but also agreed. But he also wanted to tell his son. Congratulate him, tell everyone in the training room - he had another grandchild.

"I'll let him know it was all my idea not to tell him, just try and act like everything's normal. Please?“

“Are you okay? Are you at the hospital?" the concern in Ivan's voice broke you and you started to cry.

"I'm fine. I'm on my way in an ambulance"

"Are you on your own?" he sound panicked. "Where's Lily?"

"She's following in a car with Jenny" Ivan remembered Jenny from when she came to the beach that day. Ivan was struck by how caring Jenny was with Lily - making sure she ate and drank enough while still having fun.

"She must call me" you nodded even tho Ivan couldn't see you.

"Here" the paramedic handed you a tissue to dry your eyes. "Don't worry, everything's gonna be okay"

***

Olivia May Drago, born 2 months early but otherwise healthy.

Jenny had called Ivan to let him know everything was okay - you were okay, Lily was okay (but probably had new found profession as some sort of Antinal Nurse specialising in premature babies) and that Viktor's new baby girl was okay too. It was only when Jenny came back into the room, an hour later did you realise she had been talking to Ivan for an hour. "He's so funny, Ivan" she said with a smile on her face. You raised a quizzical eyebrow at her as she peered into the neonatal cot to look at Olivia. "Did you just say Ivan's funny?“ you asked, maybe the drugs were making you hear things." Yeah, the jokes he cracks. But otherwise he says he's glad everyone's okay. I said I'll call him tomorrow"

"You should go, it's late" Lily had crashed out on the bed in the room reserved for partners to sleep on.

"No way, do you know how hard it was to get this parental leave. HR officially hate me, so I'm going to use every moment to stare at this beautiful girl" she cooed, picking up Olivia from her cot.

Lily had been born 4 weeks early, so Jenny had fought tooth and nail to have the right to use shared parental leave to help you look after Lily and the baby assuming Olivia would be born early too, despite not actually being a parent to either. She had initially demanded full maternity leave, but had settled for 3 and a half weeks "shared parental" leave. "That's what they get for not having a watertight policy" she'd smugly smiled sipping non alcoholic wine with you when she told you when you met her for lunch just after Viktor left to prepare for the fight.

You were trying not to cry but the harder you did, the quicker your eyes filled up with tears. So when you blinked they came streaming down your face. "Hey, don't you start crying because I'm gonna start crying again" Jenny moved to perch on the edge of your bed still holding Olivia.

"I know you feel bad, but don't. Everything is okay, you're okay, baby's okay. Lily's okay. I'm okay" the last part made you laugh and you brushed the tears away.

"But we need to make sure Viktor's okay, and that means not telling him just yet because we app know what will happen. I'll just keep taking a million photos and videos so he has stuff to watch. Here, hold her" Jenny passed you Olivia and grabbed her phone to take pictures.

"Do I look a mess?" you asked, aware that not only had you given birth 6 hours ago but you had also cried one too many times. "Actually, you look so good. Which makes me slightly hate you" she placed her phone down and then made grabbing hands at Olivia. "My ovaries hurt when I don't hold her" she blushed.

***

You where now sat in the hotel suite that had been reserved for Viktor. Lily was laying on the floor - half on top of the fluffy rug, half off - drawing more pictures for Viktor. You were sure she was on over 100 at this point, but it kept her occupied, you enjoyed listening to her stories behind them and writing them on the back of the picture for Viktor to read later.

She was currently drawing the picture of him winning his current fight - the one that was meant to start in 45 minutes.

You were sat on the overly large sofa breastfeeding Olivia, after having to shout at Buddy Marcella and the entourage he brought for you to leave. He'd brought a nanny with him - just in case you wanted to leave Lily and Olivia to go watch the fight. He was driving you crazy more than usual.

You didn't need help, you just needed space and for not a single soul to mention to Viktor that he had an earlier than expected baby girl he'd never seen. You'd also spoken to Ivan at length who had been extra hard and stubborn on your behalf making sure everything and everyone would be perfect.

***

Just as the fight started Olivia woke up with a cry. You half didn't mind as she'd been asleep for a long time, as if she was waiting for the perfect moment to announce her presence in the world. She was very quiet for a newborn.

You noticed that Viktor seemed to be fighting differently, quicker, even harder, like he just wanted it to be over.

But that wasn't surprising. When Viktor had agreed to the fight, there were a few additional requirements that Buddy had added in. Endorsements and a whole bunch of extra PR stuff, including promo stuff with Adonis Creed.

"Hey!" you called to Buddy. He turned around with that stupid grin on his face. "Just remembered my husband's a person and not just your cash cow" he'd then proceeded to try and butter you up but it didn't work.

***

As the ring filled with people from either team and the official referee to call the match you spotted Buddy climbing into the ring. You held your breath as you watched him whisper something to Viktor. Ivan appeared and pushed Buddy away, but you could see Viktor was getting impatient and just wanted the result said. You watched Ivan place his hands on Viktor's shoulders and he calmed down a little. The referee appeared and the camera angle zoomed back showing Viktor and his opponent standing either side of the referee.

You didn't let your breathe go until the referee held up Viktor's arms and the crowd cheered. Lily jumped up dancing around with her picture in her hand. "Told you daddy won" she wiggled her hips side to side and threw the picture in the air along with her crayons.

***

Now you felt sick. Sheer panic and you tried to organise your thoughts and your words to explain to Viktor that you were sorry for not telling him that Olivia had come early, that you cried after every phone call with him because you wanted to just tell him. But you were glad that you didn't, that there were no distractions.

"Lily, come here please" you call, her silence not always a good thing. She skips from the bedroom, her face covered in melted chocolate. Then she stop rigid, eyes wide. "Daddy!“ she screams, sprinting past you. You turn, this isn't how you wanted him to find out. "Grandpa!“ Lily screeches, almost another octave higher. She doges Viktor and throws herself at Ivan.

Viktor doesn't seem to mind that Lily skipped him. He's staring at you or Olivia, or both of you as you rock Olivia in your arms. She's quiet now, as if nothing happened. He drops his bag and slowly walks closer to you. When he reaches you, he pulls you against him, his lips rest on forehead which makes you cry.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there, I'm sorry you had to do this on your own" Viktor tenderly hugs you, careful not to squash Olivia.

You pull away to wipe your face with one hand, surprised at how relaxed Viktor is. "My dad told me. I made him when I saw he had a lot of calls from Jenny, I thought something was wrong" you looked to Ivan, but he was busy cleaning the chocolate from Lily's face.

***

Everything was calmer. Everything was fine. Viktor sat holding Olivia, with Lily on his lap. They talk in hushed tones over a sleeping Olivia. Both falling quiet every so often to stare at the peaceful baby.

Viktor was stunned by how beautiful his second baby girl was. Her tiny nose, her tiny mouth, her ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes. Lily's mind was slightly blown by Viktor telling her she was once this small, even he was too.

Together they couldn’t stop looking at Olivia. Every now and then Lily gently kissed her sister - telling Viktor all the things she planned to teach her little sister - coloring within the lines, eating jellies that Aunt Jenny brings etc, eating all the chocolate you could find in a hotel suite.

By the time Ivan got back with food for everyone, it was his turn to fuss over his new grandchild. "World's happiest grandfather" Ivan announced taking Olivia from Viktor. He sat down on the couch with Olivia while you pulled out your phone to show Viktor the million photos you'd taken while he was away.

**********************************************

Tags: @ellixthea @lovelymari4 @chaneajoyyy

@honeychicana @beaminglife @amelatonin @themyscxiras @crushed-pink-petals @jojolu @endless00paradise @est1887 @cajunpeach @melinda-january @profoundlynerdywolf @deathonyourtongue @designerwriterchic @itsbqueenthings @alicesfracturedmirror

#viktor drago x black reader #viktor drago fanfic #viktor imagine #viktor drago x reader #viktor drago fic #viktor drago

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the-static-silence-of-pastels · 5 years ago

Text

Can a Heart Still Love, Even If It’s Stopped Beating?

Word Count: 5900+ (written in 4hrs from 1-4 AM, have mercy on my grammar and mistakes.)

Warnings: Gore for a bit, then just a lot of angst with a sort of happy ending (depends on who you ask). Not sure if there are any other things I need to flag, so I’ll let you be the judge of that.

There’s an unscratchable itch within him. A little left of his spine, underneath the skin of his pectoral. It’s been there since that morning, but the build has been going on for months. The itch has reached what he assumes is its peak, but he knew he’d never be sure of that. God, he hopes this is the peak. This stupid itch, so hard to scratch and get rid of, that’s been leaving him frustrated for months. But it’s something he can’t reach, something buried under skin and bone.

He feels like screaming some days. Letting out all the fury trapped within that bides its time alongside the itch. And if the fury and frustration alone didn’t drive him to the brink of insanity, the feeling sure would. He can just imagine, though it’s not his forte, what is causing the itch. Maybe it’s some kind of abnormal vessel but going on for this long would mean his death. Perhaps it’s just a stupid prank that’s been left to simmer under his skin and drive him to the foulest of moods. Better yet it could be what it feels like; thousands of tiny insects crawling around, burrowing towards the skin as if they were…

He allows that thought to trail off. Such horrid conceptions are not his field, nor will they ever be. He is resolute in such things. And yet the feeling has only been building. It’s as if he’s dipping a toe, no, his torso into the river of madness that must flood Remus’ mind.

And right on cue the tinnitus appears. He never realised it before, but it seems to appear when his thoughts fade into that direction. The direction of seemingly inescapable insanity looped around mindless madness, entangling themselves like a series of knotted snakes. Twisting, writhing, slithering to escape, and yet unable to.

He feels a little lightheaded. Maybe death has finally come for him and will spare him of this horrid itching. Or maybe it’s just his imagination. Either way he would welcome a death right now. It’s as if he can see nothing, hear nothing, feel nothing, and yet the ringing intensifies tenfold and the itching, oh the itching, the scraping of whatever inside is causing such discomfort-

‘Hey, Mensa dropout! Your line.’

Right, that’s right. The video.

‘You can’t…you can’t drop out of Mensa. Mensa isn’t a school or a college, you can’t drop out of it. Are you talking about that album by MC Motyčka?’

‘At least we got you back, cicada three-three-oh-snore. And no, I wasn’t. Just read the damn lines.’

Yeah, like that isn’t a chore right now. Where are we, where-are-we, wherearewe? Ah, there. Now I just have to make the words stop swimming. Line up, line up. Damn it. And he’s tapping his foot, of course. Look if you think you’ve got troubles, try being me prince bull-

‘Are you sure these are my lines?’

He looks so angry. Oh, like you’re such a peach to work with.

‘Yes. They are your lines.’

Lots of emphasis. Must be pretty pissed off. I don’t think I can do this right now. Let’s see if Patton’s pity card will get me out of this.

‘I don’t exactly feel up to par. Could we perhaps-’

‘Oh teach, what’s wrong? What’s got you feeling so bad? Are you sick? What’s up?’

Nice, now here come the questions. I can do this, just get them off the trail.

‘I’m in perfect health. I just think that, especially at this time, it may be a good point for us to turn in. It’s far past when we usually stop, and we can pick up perfectly well tomorrow morning. I don’t see why we must record so much tonight. And as the prince of perfectionism, I thought it a good point to bring up.’

God, he looks so infuriated. Serves you right for cutting my lines, bastard.

‘Fine, fine! We’ll pick it up tomorrow, but you better be on your game, Logan.’

‘Will do, Roman.’

Ah tension, how I have missed you. Didn’t feel like a real day until you showed your ugly, repulsive, disgusting face.

He lets his shoulders drop minutely, all the better to seem like he’s actually tired. He won’t be able to sleep though. The itch is too bad today, if he tried there’d be absolutely no way, he’d get further than laying on his bed in a mass of writhing agony.

But agony would be the right word, wouldn’t it? The itch has grown, quickly and unlike any of the other days. Now the itch has manifested itself as a burning, but that’s growing and evolving from a burning to an intense jabbing, like something is poking the inside of his skin and tracing the tip of a dagger over something so incredibly sensitive that he can’t quite quantify how painful it’s becoming and that’s a problem because emotions aren’t his forte and he can’t show pain and he can’t show weakness and-

Enough. He needs to get out before they notice something is amiss. Clean up this mess, turn off the camera and make sure everything is neat and tidy before running away from this like all his other problems. He doesn’t need their pity, their worry, all of that will only morph into concern over his position. He’ll become redundant in a heartbeat if they find out he’s imagining pains and itching under his skin. It can’t be right because imagination isn’t his forte, and none of this lines up with who he is.

But it could go the other way. They’d coddle him – Patton and Virgil – and he’d get nothing done. Not like he’d been getting anything done anyway; but that’s for him to know, not for them to know. He’d never tell them though; they’d find out over his dead body. Or whatever happens when the pain stops. Death. Maybe he’ll live, but that’s not so likely. Pain is usually fatal. At least in most cases, but he has justifiable reasons to be worried for himself.

No use being morbid. Remus would be just as upset as Roman if he knew you were stepping on his turf.

‘L?’ Was he too quiet? Virgil doesn’t speak up often and when he does, and with that sort of accusation in his eyes, it’s usually important. And if anyone else hears they might pay attention. But what clues would he have to accuse him of something being amiss. No, Virgil had nothing. No proof of anything.

‘You good? You’ve been staring at that camera for, like, a full minute. Mind somewhere else?’ thank whatever God they prayed to.

‘Fine, sorry, got a little lost in thought. Something I can help you with?’ please say no, please say no. Let me off this one time so I can get over this pain and be ready for tomorrow and this stupid script.

Virgil shook his head just a little, but it was enough of a wary gesture to warrant a head tilt before he had turned around and sunk out. He felt like sighing for that.

Camera, away. Good my part all done. Let’s motor.

God that’s painful.

He’d never really been big on praying, but right about now felt like a good time to make amends as the pain ascended quickly from pricking and burning to an almighty searing. It wasn’t quite to the level of him wanting to rip his skin off, but it was getting close. Not quite screaming to the high heavens, but around the stage of tugging at his hair with no end in sight.

Maybe it’s something on my chest. Just get it off and take a look. That was what he’d tell himself and then never have the courage to do. He couldn’t really blame himself, but then again, he could. It was his mind after all. He could do whatever he wanted.

God, he sounded crazy.

Okay, yeah no. That was not good. The pain had intensified tenfold in the space of a few seconds and he was at that stage of ripping out his own hair and allowing tears to slip down his face. His breathing grew heavy, the ringing came back, everything fading out to black though he was still conscious.

The torturous pain was synonymous with nothing else he’d ever felt before. Greater than breaking a bone and enough to make him loose and not be able to regain his breath. How anyone was able to survive this was beyond him. It was like someone had taken a metal sea urchin to his chest and was pressing it into his skin from within, rolling it around inside that cavity that housed his heart and lungs. Burning, ripping, blinding pain. At least they got one part right in songs and stories, it was blinding. Blacked out vision aside, he could still feel the ground beneath him, feel his shirt and tie and clothing. Time to find out what was making it so damn hard to breathe. If it wasn’t something on his chest, maybe he could see something within his chest.

After ripping his tie away and bunching his shirt up and over his head he had a moment of clarity as his glasses fell off, able to pick them up with precisely no spots in his line of sight. For a moment he felt relief, but that quickly faded as he summoned a mirror, heard a loud gagging behind him and saw straight through the heart shaped hole in his chest as behind him Roman doubled over in shock and horror.

That would explain the lack of breath.

Yeah, the bleeding, still wet hole shaped like a heart symbol that cut right through his chest and out the back, taking out a few pieces of his ribs and moving his left lung over. Yeah, that would definitely explain the lack of breath.

They did always call me heartless. Guess they were right. But he wasn’t heartless, wasn’t supposed to be at least. People need hearts, they do a lot of things. That’s right, isn’t it? People need hearts. Those organs that are about a handful and oxygenate the blood and keep it all flowing. Yeah, they’re needed. So why was his missing? Why couldn’t he see straight, or breathe anymore? He needed to breathe, but he couldn’t. What was stopping…oh, right. He was missing his heart.

It took less than a minute for Logan to crumple to the floor. Dead and missing one of his more important organs for living. Blood leeched out of the hole, staining the carpet a deep and wet crimson as hollow breathing grew shallow and the only witness was left pale and shaking against the wall.

He’d come to yell at Logan, tell him off for stopping their progress. He hadn’t imagined their last words to be that of a tiff not a few minutes prior. Nor did he imagine he’d be holding the now bloodied corpse of someone he’d be willing to call friend on a good day, which were most days but that was beside the point.

He didn’t even notice the tears streaming down his cheeks, noticing only when one dropped onto the pale chest, stained with blood and now stained with tears. But even with all that blood he couldn’t bring himself to care as he lay his forehead against the carcass of what used to be a living, breathing Logan. He could hardly breathe, hardly do anything but sob and cry as eventually he raised his head and began his pleas. It would always come down to this, to the pleading of life. No bargain would ever be struck to bring someone back form the dead, but he had hope. And even if he didn’t, he’d plead; because he couldn’t handle going on with this as the last memory he had of their logic.

Worry and fear brought Virgil, love and concern brought Patton. The pleading for life brought an idea.

‘Remus,’ choked and tearful, less filled with the venom it usually had and more filled with a kind of hopeless desire, ‘Remus, get out here.’

It wasn’t a plea that needed to be made twice. Once was enough to bring the usually sickly smiling side out with a sombre and emotionless gaze that lingered too long on the body for the brother’s liking. But he wasn’t about to leave his position. His post, his protective stance in the matter, lest Logan fade away or suddenly vanish; however stupid that may sound to another.

‘You’re good at this, aren’t you? You twisted little bastard. Make him a heart.’ It was a command. One none of them could refuse the call for.

With a nod, four steps and a single sweep into a crouch the tedious night began. A night that brought with it many retries, many close calls for violence between brothers, much blood lost, but finally a result came.

Pulsing in place, gently covered by the left lung and ribs, flesh restitching itself back together, they found what they so desired.

And so, they waited. Night turned to dawn, to day, to afternoon, to dusk, to night again. Whether it was out of love for the other or hatred for himself, the prince kept by the teacher’s side whilst the others worked around him. Cleaning, fixing, making it new and better. Logan would hate to wake up to a mess. Hate it.

Night became dawn again and still the vigil, a hollowed-out man, kept watch as breath was pushed and pulled from the newly repaired body. The hollow man, the tear stained prince, the ever-watchful protector of a cherished friend; no one dared to move him. No one dared to speak to him. He didn’t eat, speak, move. He barely moved his eyes from the sight before him, and yet they knew he could keep it up for as long as he cared to. They weren’t human, after all. They could survive on nothing and still thrive if their being wasn’t set in…logic.

It was a touchy and uncomfortable few days before the stirrings of a lighter sleep brought them cheer. How wonderful, how enticing, how enchanting to see some life, any life, stir from the sleeping side. No longer comatose, or not for long at least. And finally they were able to drag him away, teary and crying with an expression near ecstasy on his face, they were able to pull the last vestige of Roman from the body and get him back to where there was no death for him to be reminded of what had happened.

The subject would be one of discomfort for all of them, no side had ever come so close to vanishing form their lives before, figures the one so steeped in curious nature would be the first to try it out. How it happened, they didn’t know. Did they care? Absolutely not. Logan was on the verge of waking, of being alive once more, and they couldn’t think of the details of his close quarters encounter with whatever psychopomp that lured him to the edge right now.

Death had been a touchy subject before, taboo nearly, but now it would remain taboo for all of them forever. It wasn’t a word that conjured kind images anymore. No lifeless bodies looking serene in caskets ready to be buried six feet under. They’d be haunted by this death until they died themselves. As if that couldn’t happen soon enough now.

Sleeping would be just as bad. To know that he could very well have died in his sleep just after they’d figured out how to give him a heart back, well, sleep would always be a reminder of what could have been lost. Sleep for them seemed too still, too lifeless, too comatose for their liking. Sure, Logan hadn’t been sleeping when he die- had his close encounter. But the days following, where he could still be considered on the brink, where he still looked dead despite not having the hole and lack of a beating heart. Sleep was just too close to that. For all of them.

This wouldn’t be an issue they took lightly. And despite not having seen or heard from Remus or Deceit since they got Logan back online, they knew well and truly neither of them would dig too deep or go too far after this. Before this Remus took death too lightly in the case of friends and family, but it was uncertain how he would deal with those intrusive thoughts now, having seen and been in charge of bringing back someone so clearly dead to the world. Deceit was a different matter, not having shown up until a little after Remus. How he’d reacted was a mystery, leaving the second he saw the body. But they’d find out eventually, it would all come out eventually.

Logan woke up properly a day later, coming to while under Virgil’s care. It made the usually surly side light up for once, seeing the same set of gentle oak hues shine once more with life and awareness, in some aspect. Watching them close was no longer so heartbreaking, rather the peace that resumed was steadily making it up to the top of his list as one of his favourite things to see on the other sides. And with that he deemed it necessary to call on the others and tell them the good news, others including those who weren’t there along with those who helped out.

And that was how his gratitude towards Remus turned to despair at what news awaited the three still caring for Logan. Each allowing it to sink in as the weight it came with snagged their hearts and dragged them down to the depths of despair. How they were supposed to function was beyond them. Lacking one side they’d grown to adore and love in the way they had would be nearly enough to break each of them wide open.

The news, heartbreaking that is was, was brought to them by a regretful and mournful Deceit. Something they’d never seen and hoped to never see again. Remus, fearful and tired, kept quiet as Deceit explained their situation. As Remus was the one to create the heart, were he to forget it Logan would inevitably end up with the same fate as before. Therefore, Logan was tied to Remus in a way none of them had foreseen. Without around the clock reminding, Remus could forget, and Logan would die again, possibly to be resurrected again, but only if they could get to him in time as they had done this time. It was only, and Deceit had hesitated at that point, logical for Logan to come with them and remain in a place where Remus would always remember the act of creation he had approved.

Logan would move into Remus’ room, or he would die.

It was an idea that shocked them to the core. Froze their blood in place and chilled their bodies like frostbite. To have such a weight tied around his neck, to send Logan off without giving him a chance, it was something they had never wanted. He’d be cared for, yes, but he’d become a part of the little group that formed in rebellion of what they’d come together as. And he had no choice in the matter.

It was entirely unfair. Roman pleaded hopelessly against it, wishing he could take on Remus’ burden but knowing he couldn’t. Patton didn’t try to plead his case; he could barely talk let alone make an argument against their rock-solid logic. Virgil, well, grief will do things to a person and the five stages were not something meant to be passed through in the space of ten seconds, only for one to become stuck in place. The rage pouring off the surly side was enough to make those able to comprehend it back up, knowing he could go off at any second as Roman shed tears and Patton sat still and strangely emotionless on the couch. To gain him back only to lose him again, what cruel karma was this that had become their lives and pursued them to the point of madness.

When at last they parted ways, it was decided and over. Logan would know in due time, but they still had a few days until then. He needed strength, to stand up to the horrors that would await him.

They bid farewell in their own ways when he finally regained consciousness. After telling him of his death and their plight to bring him back they spent a few hours consoling him. Coddling what had become a shell so quickly they could barely blink between the phases. And yet they continued, they stayed. They’d seen it all in each other and couldn’t bring themselves to do much more than stay by his side as memories flashed through his eyes like a car speeding down a highway, images of the outside flashing through windows and leaving as quickly as they’d come.

It was all they could do. Sit and wait until he was in the right mindset to talk to them about it. Between themselves they’d taken to dubbing it as ‘The Incident’. A catchy name, for sure, but one that would forever haunt the insides of their eyelids.

And when at last he seemed to have brought himself to sense, to have realised he had a new lease on life, to know he was free from what bound him; then they told him of his new bonds, new shackles, new chains that would drag him away from them and to a world new and unfamiliar to him. A world that would take from him and ask for more eternally, a world that was like theirs but with no comfort, a world without them.

‘So, it would be as if I’d truly died, then?’

Those words made them choke. Spoken so casually with so little care for those around him and the trials he’d been through. Greif may have been a somewhat selfish process, but it was their process that had involved him. But they didn’t have the strength to yell or scream at him; because he was right. As he’d always been.

‘My condolences on your loss, I suppose.’

It was supposed to be humorous, but it only brought watery laughs that were too fake in all the right ways. How he was able to process this so well was beyond them, perhaps he’d seen what lay beyond the mortal realm, what he’d been forced to give up to come back. Maybe there was comfort there, but his eyes were haunted, ghostly. Whatever he’d seen had not been paradise.

‘What was there?’ came the question, courtesy of Patton, but it was something they all wished to know.

Wry was his smile when he answered, dark and gaunt, ‘nothing.’

With the waking came the chains. Not physical or literal, but they were chains, nonetheless. Remus and Deceit came to escort Logan not three days after he awoke, dubbing that a suitable amount of time for the three to bid their farewells to their fourth. They allowed a moment of tears and anguish, Logan trapped within the embrace of three sides as the heart he’d been given pulsed with life and grief. Today he’d lose something great and wonderful and gain something horrid and abominable.

They waved him off, each half chasing after him before being reigned in with the knowledge it was for his own good. A sacrifice of his life for which he was given life. A twist in their tale together that would render their friendship null and void. He’d never be able to leave, and they’d never be able to gain entry. Though perhaps Remus could be persuaded, if not by them than by Roman. Regardless of future plans to sneak into a world not their own, the trio waved off Logan and Logan was led into the darkness.

He closed his eyes against it, not wanting to let it in at first. But as it became apparent, he wouldn’t be able to move forward without his eyes being open, he decided to allow that to happen. It was his hope he could withstand what was thrown at him, what horrors awaited him within Remus’ room.

As they continued on their walk, both sides used to the walk ahead of the one not used to it, the one not used to it noticed something peculiar. A large blot of white light that only grew as they advanced, a doorway of some sort or cave entrance that called them forward. And, stupid as he was, he stepped through it after his guides.

And he blinked back against the harsh light that blinded him. The sun was warm and bright, the world around him the same. So bright was it that he began to think they’d walked into Roman’s room by mistake, that the gentle breezes and sunshine soft and warm, was the work of the creativity he knew and not the one he’d followed. And yet his guides seemed comfortable here, turning to him as if expecting something of him.

He merely blinked back at them, hoping they would say something before he made both fool and ass of himself.

‘Do you like it?’ came the first of many questions to come, a gentle one offered by Remus. And unsure of how to respond, Logan nodded. Not quite following what they meant.

‘He spent hours in here making it right for you. This will be your lobby as a sort, but a more picturesque room awaits you yonder,’ murmured the mellowed tones of Deceit, far from what he was used to but a side to the half-faced side he would not forget seeing.

As promised to him he found his room. From a door carved into a tree he emerged into a field of flowers and mirror glazed ponds. Each echoing a similar sentiment of beauty and belonging. This room, so far reserved from Remus’ usual creations, must have taken many hours to be crafted by himself. Perhaps help was offered and taken from Deceit, but by the sound of it the room was made for him by Remus alone. A great effort if the multicoloured flowers and even temperance of the sun was to be taken into account.

‘For you. If you must stay close and here, I would have it no other way,’ came gently spoken words. Words that echoed and radiated with a calm that was unheard of and nary seen from such a mass producer of madness as Remus, ‘a new start, for a new side.’

It certainly felt like it. A brand-new room decorated like a perfect world where nothing could harm or cause him pain. This world was his own to explore and take note of, and it would take a while to do so. But his heart yearned for the others, and he voiced as such with a simple longing look to the ground. They could not visit this place. This was his and his alone and as such no one could enter; truly, he’d left Remus and Deceit at the door.

But this was still within Remus’ room. He was to be a permanent guest. No longer given the freedoms he once had and secluded to a room he could exit from but never truly leave. A home as beautiful as it was lonely.

‘I know they cannot come here, but Roman can come to my room and as such you could see him in the lobby. That is, if you so wish it.’

Who had spoken such words of wonder was beyond Logan, all that mattered was the words and the meaning they held. To be able to see just one of them again would be heaven, to know he was not so truly alone as to be secluded for eternity before death. Tension would be long gone between them. Lifetimes apart, to be sure. And if they fought it would be hard to break what had been set in place by the departure of his life from the mortal realm.

Roman may not have been his first choice, but he was still a friend, still someone he cared for and loved. It was something he could agree to wholeheartedly.

‘Please,’ a whispered plea that didn’t fall on deaf ears. It would be their pleasure to do what he asked of them, after all they’d just barely brought him back to life. Remus was the djinn in his pocket now, whatever he asked for, Remus would provide without hesitation.

The first meeting went about as well as one would expect. With a shout from royalty and a cry of joy from a usually composed scholar. Their reunion brought tears to their eyes along with a great deal of smiling. They didn’t fight or argue and kept everything happy and civil. This was where Logan could connect to the world outside his room, and the only place Roman could get just and wise advice. Their meeting ended with tears and the promise that Roman would return every week with as best a report as he could give, offering a single hug before vanishing from the room and leaving Logan alone once more.

The second of their meetings was less civil. With work piling up and no way for Logan to help them, the group had become rather swamped, but with a little planning done during their meeting, Roman returned both saddened and with a schedule that was sure to work all of their needs into it. It only made them yearn to see him greater.

Third. The supposed unlucky encounter was just that. The schedule was being overwritten for their needs and wants, and they’d not a judge to fairly decide who would get what time. Roman complained their entire meeting, and later recalled that Logan listened with a tender smile and saddened eyes. Any contact with them would be good contact for him, and Roman supposed Logan had begun to miss their antics and arguing by now.

So, their fourth visit together he brought a present. A recording of them rehearsing the new video and them working in bits they hoped would make him happy. They did. Roman spent much of their time together holding the resurrected side with one arm, holding him close as he wept tears of joy and sadness into the white coat.

The meetings continued on in a similar fashion and pattern. Every few days Roman would enter Remus’ room with permission and meet up with Logan to go over what he could of what went on outside the room before leaving with a hug and a promise to return. Every time the prince returned to his room near tears, frustrated and in emotional turmoil over the fact he couldn’t help Logan more than he was. He admitted that the visits were good for them both, but the tension between himself and the other sides only seemed to grow the closer he became with Logan.

The more he vanished off to speak with the logical side, the more they grew jealous of this opportunity he’d been given. The wedge driven between them had left a small mark at first, but that was growing rapidly with no hope of getting smaller. He needed Logan to be there with him, needed Patton and Virgil to come to Remus’ room with him. Being the messenger was only good for so long before war broke out between them and with no logic in sight they’d tear each other apart at the seams.

With a heavy heart he concluded it was Logan or Patton and Virgil. So, in his hour of need, he came to the one he knew would be impartial. And Logan chose for Roman to remain with the other sides. It would be torture not seeing one another, but it was better than knowing they were the cause of the imminent collapse of Thomas psyche.

Patton and Virgil found him, teary and unresponsive to them on the couch and watching a movie they’d all decided never to watch ever again. It took no less than turning off the player and shaking Roman a good seven times for him to finally show signs of noticing their appearance in his personal space. It took much less for him to spill the beans and tell them what had brought him to such a low. And it took them all of five seconds to realise there was no winning. They wanted to see Logan, Roman could at will. They grew jealous easily, Roman felt the burden of this upon him and thus passed it to Logan. If they agree to let him see Logan again the cycle would return and continue. And then Roman told them of a meeting that sparked their interest.

A few days later Roman came to them with a soft smile and a recording on his phone. The message played on a loop for them, a familiar face echoing back sentiments of sadness and love before Roman’s shaky camerawork came to the forefront and became an opportunity to see something all rarely saw; a laugh. Unfiltered, unedited, unchanged. A loud, proud, joyful laugh with nothing in the way. A sign out and then repeat.

That became their way of communication; recorded video. In a way it was a long-distance relationship, but instead of a computer or phone, they had Roman and a phone. The messages were saved to a hard drive, there was no way either party was letting go of those memories.

With Roman as courier they knew they were getting the truth, neither Remus nor Deceit saw to stop them and in each they began to notice he gradual changes. The more emotive side of an unemotional robot. The darker mourning side of a happy-go-lucky sunflower. The loving side of someone who swore off breaking down his barriers. And a gentle and soft side to the brash and loud prince. It was a new time, a new life for them. As if on that day they’d died with Logan and been resurrected with him. This was their chance at a new life, and they took it.

Time rolled on, each day passing like the last until something came to them; a spark unlike anything they’d encountered in their little world. A spark that burned a passionate red and understanding blue. And how could they not agree to it when confessions were sprouted, and once broken bridges were mended. They could see one another; they had fallen for one another. And it was good. It was approved, adored, accepted. And slowly they drifted away, two sides unable to see the last of their group as he moved, slowly but surely, pulled towards the one he loved. How could they stand against that? Who could stand against that?

When at last their third was no longer with them it was as if he’d become a distant memory, foggy and unrecognisable. What he’d once been and what he now was, were two things so different it was hard to imagine they’d been the same person at all. But they were and they were attached to another.

In their minds they questioned it, but they knew the answer to their question. Can a heart still love, even if it’s stopped beating? Yes, it can.

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surveysonfleek · 3 years ago

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1635.

Who was the last baby you held? ryder. such a cutie pie. Would you ever dye your hair blue? id never do my whole head, thats for sure. How many people do you know that have a great sense of fashion? i think about two particular people straight away. no shade but no one in my immediate circle of friends have a distinct style. What age did you start feeling grown up? haha maybe 27. time really does fly Do you get annoyed easily? i hate repetitiveness and rudeness. if either or both of those things are involved id get annoyed easily

Yellow or green? green, ive been liking green lately Have you ever been on a cruise? yes, it was super fun! id love to go again (maybe for my honeymoon) Are cats one of your favorite animals? nope. i didnt grow up around cats so im a bit apprehensive around them How much sleep do you normally get each night? 6-8 hours Do you listen to heavy metal music? haha back in 2008, not anymore What’s your favorite song that has come out here recently? ive succumbed to damn jack harlow! first class is so catchy If you were to get a piercing, which would you like? What piercings do you already have? probably more piercings in my ear How many pictures do you have in your camera roll? thousands. i added back all my photos from my past iphones so i have the entire history now haha Have you ever done an internet challenge? i dont think i have Why did you last leave the house? groceries What is the last thing you purchased online? something from amazon, i was half asleep buying shit at 3am in the morning When did you last get a hair cut? a couple months ago Do you have layers in your hair? nope Do you have any half siblings? no What has recently annoyed you? not being able to sleep last night. im running on 4hrs sleep :( Do you get along with your exes? - How many pairs of jeans do you own? i rotate through the same 5 lol. i need more! What all have you done today? my day just started. i woke up, went to do groceries and now im back home When did you last go to a theater? last year i believe, i watched hamilton Who did you last compliment? idk hahaha Have you ever been pulled over by the police? yes, yearsssss ago when i got a speeding ticket Have you ever been banned from anywhere? nope When did you last purchase a balloon? What was the occasion? i bought it years ago, a big pack for work so we could decorate coworker’s desks on their bdays What is your typical weekend like? food, friends, staying in. Do you ever use self checkout in stores or do you prefer waiting in line for an employee? i always do self service unless i have a really big trolleys of things What is the last fruit you consumed? does coconut water count? Are you a jealous person? not really. i always feel a pang of jealousy but its very short term, like a 5 minute thing haha How do you unwind after a stressful day? laying down What was your first kiss like? just awkward Have you ever done one of those inflatable obstacle courses? nope How old will you be next year? welp. Have you ever had a buzzcut? no How long can you stand being in a car before you get bored? well my fiance and i just did an 8hr roadtrip 9 (each way) on the weekend. i didnt think i could do it but it honestly wasnt that bad, especially when we took turns driving. What’s the last frozen thing you consumed? coconut water What’s your favorite bird? toucans!

#survey #surveys #quiz #bored #questions

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uninformed574835-blog · 4 years ago

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6 Months of This

I had a bad dream but I wanted to stay, how do I explain what that feels like. Emma Stone's character in maniac takes a drug to relive the moments of her life leading to her sisters death. I think most people can sympathize with this, losing a loved one is a terrible thing, especially if you blame yourself for it. Now applying that to my life. I didn't lose a family member or anything I broke up with a girl I thought I was going to love forever. Then I started drinking and feeling worse. Then I had sex and felt even worse, I tried to use drugs as therapy but the only thing I got out of that was drugs make me feel the way I would like to feel all the time. So now I'm in this hole that I've dug for myself and I can't find a way out. Being back with her even if she's cheating on me feels better than anything now. I don't think it's really her I miss though we didn't get along the best and didn't have many similar interests besides each other. I miss having a person or a base. Starting the day with someone wanting to hear from you is an incredible feeling that everyone who has it takes for granted. I miss having someone to love and having someone love me. Everyone else forgets or moves their attention, give me that spotlight so I can shine again.

I went to a bar with a coworker friend who I adored but I think she just liked the attention. She was raised in a cult until she graduated homeschool early and moved out at 16. She went on to manage a sonic for a couple of years and lived with her married sister. Her sister's husband slept with one of my coworkers friends and her sister got divorced. So after blaming herself for her older sisters homewrecked marriage she moved states again and lived in her car for months until she got a job at a grocery store where the married manager asked for nudes constantly said inappropriate things to her and told her they were going to bang. So she quit and is now as far as I know managing a pizza place where I used to work. So anyways we were at a bar and talking about psychedelics and she asked what my favorite drug was. I told her LSD because it makes me feel how I think I should be feeling all of the time and if I could I would do acid all the time. She looked at me with scared, sympathetic eyes and said "you really have the big sad." Then sighed. I didn't think I could bum out someone who went through all that but she got quiet for a little after that. We haven't spoken in like 6 months.

Drunk/high(?) Desires are like a moth attracted to a light.

My favorite fetish that I have is trying to figure out if I hate myself enough to order food delivery with the last of my credit card limit or if I hate myself too much and don't deserve to eat good food. If I do order the food I'll get like 3000 calories and binge eat it all, if I don't order anything then I won't eat for like the next 8 hours even though I'm hungry. So yeah either that fetish or fetishizing my own sad life are my favorites.

It's day 2 at the church retreat, you fell asleep to giggles in the night as others passed jokes in whispers. You hang with your loser friend through breakfast just so you don't look alone. Don't dare speak to the cool kids only laugh and agree or they might hate you. Got to avoid the adult volunteer chaperone because they always talk to me about just putting myself out there. You get put on the same team as the girl you were crushing on yesterday but only ever talk to her about this specific game information. You think maybe if you look at her enough she'll come and talk to you. Lunch comes around and you can't find your loser friend so you go sit with the chaperone. I like football because even if I never touch the ball I can win. I don't dare go near the pool with my expanded white gut and moobs or someone might drown me and no one will stop them. When it gets dark we go in and sing songs for 45 minutes about how much we love Jesus and there's always that one kid really into it who turns out to be gay later, but much later like after a divorce and 30. You go to sleep wondering if your crush is thinking about you but in my experience she wasn't. The last day of the retreat everyone is saying bye to friends they made while I sit in the van with the chaperone. Everyone in the van tells stories from the trip and says inside jokes and one of the cool kids says he got your crushes number and you watch him text her the 4hr trip to the school parking lot where your Mom is waiting.

I live in the room with the other unwanted things.

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tnaypi3 · 5 years ago

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Pushkar & Jaipur

Starting our day early for our 4hr drive to Pushkar.

Our driver, Hassan sent his buddy and fellow cab driver, Raeez to go with us. I’m not a fan of these kinds of surprises but it ended up being a nice change of atmosphere. He was a quieter, chill dude and unlike Hassan who sometimes tries to sway me away from my itinerary while suggesting other things that are usually very touristy. Raeez, who even though doesn’t speak much English, is my favorite because he is kind, fuss-free, doesn’t have schemes up his sleeve and is definitely quirky in his own little way ;-)

Asked why Hassan couldn’t make it, Raeez said he found a good deal with an older tourist couple and will be touring them around Jaipur for the day.

The drive was long but smooth. The farther we get, the quieter and less congested the streets are. But because of less traffic, the switching of lanes has become more dizzying as your driver is picking up speed. Surprisingly, none of us got sick (literally) of this. I had an entire collection of essential oils for all sorts of sickness and we never got to use the one for motion sickness!

I’m very captivated, almost bewitched by the sight of these holy men

First camel sighting! Soooo exciting!!!

Pushkar is unlike anywhere else in Rajasthan. This small, yet enchanting town has a unique mix of mysticism, religious fervour, and magnetism. Life here is so simple and I got the most rural feel from this place compared to all the others that we’ve been to.

The town itself encircles a holy lake, thought to have been created when Lord Brahma vanquished a demon, Vajranash, using a lotus flower. The lotus flower fell to the ground, creating Pushkar lake. To this day, the town contains one of the world’s only Brahma temples, making it a prominent Hindu pilgrimage town that devout Hindus should visit at least once in their lives.

Each year, once the month of Kartika (a popular Indian feminine given name derived from the god Kartikeya, which means "bestower of courage") arrives, 200,000 people descend on Pushkar, bringing with them 50,000 camels and horses. The city is transformed into a colourful, heaving mass of animals, tourists, mystics and musicians and traders arrive to flog their livestock.

Although business is the main order of the day, once the fair starts, a vibrant and diverse cultural program draws in the crowds; snake charmers, wedding parades, sports and competitions for ‘best moustache’ or ‘most beautifully decorated camel’ fill up the schedule.

Aside from all of the festivities, Kartik Purnima is also the time when thousands of pilgrims arrive in Pushkar to bathe in the sacred waters.

The fair takes place in November. Lucky us? We sure feel like it. I kept blurting out “Alex, how are we in Pushkar, in the middle of a camel fair right now?!”

According to the internet, there are about 400 temples in Pushkar. We saw a handful, randomly picking out colorful or enigmatic, old looking ones to enter. The town hums and vibrates to the constant sound of chanting, drumming and incense-fuelled puja (act of worship).

Pushkar is considered sacred, so many rules that apply within India’s religious sites, apply within the town as a whole.

Consumption of alcohol, meat or eggs is not allowed within 2 km of the Brahma temple. Not that this affects us since we couldn’t eat anything here anyway. Most of the food spots are stalls, kiosk, or in tents and I didn’t want to risk it. Foreigners are always reminded that when in India, only eat at places that look like they have a legitimate kitchen and absolutely not a makeshift one, where many other foreigners are going, places that look clean and that observe proper sanitation, etc.

Everything looked yummy but one can never be complacent with picking out restaurants. We never let our guards down when it came to protecting our bellies!

We spent all early afternoon getting lost and weaving our way through a maze of stalls selling all kinds of goods from pots and lamps to spices, accessories, clothing, handcrafted bags and shoes, instruments, tapestries, etc. Admittely, I have a weakness for moments like this but I kept reminding myself that we really don’t have any room in our luggage for a shopping spree. I equally hated and loved being restricted in a haven like this, surrounded by all things pretty, exotic and cheap.

We spent too much time wandering around the bazaar and temple area with the intention of finding where the camels were kept. Finally we made our way to a more open space and found the stadium.

Sadly, they had the camel shows earlier during the day so we missed it. No losses here though. We were very much satisfied with all our camel sightings and encounters.

The Pushkar camel fair is a livestock festival which happens annually and falls on the Kartik moon according to the Hindu astrological calendar.

Camels from all over Rajasthan, Punjab and beyond will be showcased here and to in an effort to make them more alluring to prospective buyers, they’re decorated in all sorts of colorful pom-poms, elegant cloths, anklets, flowers and flair!

We were offered a lot of camel safari rides but refused each time. Out of the question! Our driver couldn’t understand why. He was upset but in a funny and cute way when he later on asked if we did the infamous tourist activity. We explained to him our stance on animal cruelty, even though we are well aware that the lines on this subject may be blurred and crooked in places and cultures like India’s. But we still tried. I think he understood what we were saying but stiil... ;)

Kartik Poornima is the full moon day and the main day of the fair. This is also where one can catch hundreds of Hindus bathing in Pushkar’s holy lake. The legends say this is the day that Lord Brahma, the creator of the world in Hindu mythology, created the very lake which still stands today.

This was moments before my attention was called by the city guards to tell me that photographs are prohibited. It was only then that it dawned on me.. Of course, because people are bathing here. We people-watched and roamed around for half an hour, observing men and women of all ages and coming from all walks of life praying and doing their rituals.

Wrapping up our Camel Fair adventures in Pushkar

Back in the cab

Budha Pushkar

As per our driver’s suggestion, we stopped by this prayer stadium and sacred ponds. It was not a popular place as we did not see many tourists or locals. So, in absolute silence we walked around and maybe have taken a moment to just gaze at the jade waters and majestic hills surrounding it. A nice way to end our Pushkar adventures before heading back to the city.

Good morning! Another full day in Jaipur to explore!

First stop: City Palace

Jaipur is often referred to by one of its many nicknames; The City of Gates, The Pink City or The Paris of India. However, the present-day metropolis that is modern Jaipur has been built on centuries of history. This is the ‘Land of the Kings’, the realm of maharajas, where majestic forts and opulent palaces are more numerous than anywhere else in India. No wonder why my Disney-adoring little girl heart has been borderline obsessed over seeing this part of India. This day is one of the main reasons I voted for Jaipur to be a part of our trip.

The splendors of Rajasthan’s past are still here to explore. At the centre of Jaipur, the elegant City Palace, still housing the former royal family, is an island of tranquillity.

Here you can enter through the pink outer walls to find a maze-like complex of gardens, courtyards, halls and buildings.

Sarvato Bhadra

The Sarvato Bhadra is a unique architectural feature. The unusual name refers to the building's form: a Sarvato Bhadra is a single-storeyed, square, open hall, with enclosed rooms at the four corners. One use of the Sarvato Bhadra was as the Diwan-e-Khas, or the Hall of Private Audience, which meant the ruler could hold court with the officials and nobles of the kingdom in a more private, intimate space than the grand spaces of the Sabha Niwas in the next courtyard, which was open to more people.

Several rooms

Pritam Niwas Chowk

Here, there are four small gates known as Ridhi Sidhi Pol. These gates are adorned with themes symoblising four different seasons and Hindu gods. At the centre, above each of the gates are miniature carved reliefs in marble dedicated to the respective gods. All four gates have beautiful, embossed brass doors.

I snapped 2 of 4 having grown tired of waiting in line for the rest of our fellow tourist to finish and move on

Mubarak Mahal

There is no doubt that the grounds are an architectural masterpiece. From the pink sandstone architecture in the pavilion, the intricate design of Mubarak Mahal, and the chiselled marble stone structures, the city palace is both elegant and artistic.

Leaving the City Palace on foot, we set off to Hawa Mahal. Surprisingly, Google Maps didn’t let us down. I successfully got us there without getting lost. I didn’t tell Alex but my heart was dancing, bursting with pride and satisfaction.

Absolutely adoring the scenes here

This was a photo snapped after seeing the monkeys squabbling. As we drew closer, we realized that they were shrieking and yelping at something or someone to the opposite side of the road, where a dozen middle-aged tourists were loving and snapping the monkeys in action.

Our theory is that perhaps one of the merchants hurt them in an effort to drive them away from the food/goods that they are selling. We all know how these Macaque’s can be aggressive and are expert thieves. Still not cool to hurt them though :(

The Hawa Mahal / Palace of Winds

We made it! I am shaking and my pulse is picking up again! The marvelous honeycomb facade of the Hawa Mahal looms over a traffic-clogged thoroughfare. The city’s pink-tinted walls are punctuated with 7 imposing, decorative gates. Look further to the right and you will find sprawling hilltop fortresses, Escher-like step wells, and temples left to the care of roaming packs of monkeys.

One of Jaipur’s most iconic and distinctive landmarks, the Hawa Mahal was constructed in 1799 by Maharaja Sawai Pratap Singh as a way to allow ladies of the royal household to watch life on the streets below without being seen themselves. The five-storey tall honeycomb hive facade consists of 953 latticework windows for the ladies viewing pleasure.

For once, we decided to resist yet another tourist trap so we skipped paying for the Palace entrance fee and opted for a more underrated experience. Having googled another way to appreciate the Hawa Mahal, I led Alex to the opposite side of the street and looked for the entrance that would take us to the the Wind View Cafe which have absolute prime spots for viewing the structure’s magnificence to our hearts’ content. Or more like to my heart’s content. I love this day!!!

While trying to figure our where the cafe’s entrance was in the street level, I had another encounter with a young fellow. He and some others, like clockwork, came up to us. I asked if this door leads to the cafe, pointing to the entrance where my GPS brought us. He said yes and went ahead, taking the stairs up before I could say there’s no need to accompany us. On our way up, I thought “Ugh, here we go again. He’s not gonna let us get away without any kind of scheme or something”. It was a very narrow, tight squeeze climb with several flights of winding stairs. He stopped at the second to the last level and directed us to the Tattoo Cafe. I said we were going to the Wind View Cafe. He was being pushy so I stood my ground. He saw that I refused to be swayed and meant it. This had him upset and started acting sour. He says “You come to our home and you do this to us. You are not a good person”. Sounds familiar. Right away, I realized this is a formulaic dance of intimidation and mind games that some of them pull out from their back pocket in situations like this. Again, I apologized to him saying I didn’t mean to offend, explained my side while looking him in the eye. He left without another word. But the unwanted energy sure was lingering and thick as the smog outside.

The city’s bustling streets burst with colour and chaos. Cycle rickshaws weave among clouds of exhaust and soot as they dodge camels, cars and the occasional dawdling elephant. Swarms of motorbikes honk and buzz through the city’s vibrant marketplaces and grand gateways. Not the most relaxing breakfast with a view but we’ll take it!

Heading back to the City Palace to meet with or driver. Another mini adventure because we did not exactly have the name of the spot where he said he’d wait for us. I went by my memory of the small pocket where he said was a parking lot for cabs, marking it in my mind being remotely close to the Jantar Mantar, another tourist spot we opted out. But walking around, I realized that everything started looking alike. If we weren’t pressed for time, I wouldn’t mind getting lost but OMG, I have a serious itinerary and I wanna hit all the remaining spots before the day ends please!! This is our last day in Jaipur, if I haven’t mentioned that already!!!

After about 10mins of me oficially declaring to Alex that I think we’re lost, two girls passed by. I asked, pointing to a direction we haven’t tried yet, if the Jantar Mantar is that way. Giggling they said yes, I thank them with two fruit juices from our backpack and carried on. I wonder what was so funny? Haha!

Jal Mahal

It says a lot about the sheer quantity of beautiful buildings on display in Jaipur that the Jal Mahal, or ‘Water Palace’, isn’t overrun with visitors peering across Man Sagar Lake in the hope of glimpsing it. In any other city, it would be the main tourist draw. At the moment, the palace is undergoing extensive renovations meaning that it cannot be accessed but it is worth stopping off on the road if one is headed to the famous Japur forts.

Jaigarh Fort

An opulent structure built in the early 18th century in the city of Amer and is one of the major forts in Jaipur. It is located next to the magnificent Amber Fort. The main aim for constructing this fort was to protect the Fort of Amber from Invaders.

Breathtaking views!

Wanna see every nook and cranny of this stunning place

The Jaigarh Fort is a majestic stronghold built by Sawan Jai Singh II. This almost-intact fort is surrounded by huge battlements and is connected to the Amer Fort (also called 'Amber' Fort), with subterranean passages. Sadly it’s not accessible to the public.

The fort houses the world's largest cannon on wheels, a majestic palace complex and the assembly hall of the warriors known as 'Shubhat Niwas' along with a museum and an armory. Yeah, we skipped seeing the cannon part hehehe. We have better things to do!

The Amber Fort can be seen at the center of this photo.

The one thing you can see from anywhere in Amer are the huge red sandstone walls of Jaigarh Fort. It may seem endless from certain angles but it is only a total of 3kms long.

Shot and directed by Alex. I approve :)

The watchtower that offers a magnificent view of the landscape below

The stunning Amber Fort which we skipped because it’s too touristy

So ready for our favorite part of the day - food! hahaha

I’ve noticed that the farther we are from the touristy areas, the more authentic, less fuss and not overpriced our meals were. And these are our absolute favorite moments. Don’t get me wrong, we loved and adored about 95% of all our meals on this trip. At times though, as restaurants in busier areas attempt to cater to foreigners and make it universally palatable, the local cuisine almost loses it’s magic.

This is one’s for the books though and this day just kept getting better and better.

As we were finishing up our lunch, a commotion outside drew our and the rest of the diners’ attention. Our eyes fixed at the door and windows, without warning, there came monkeys leaping off roofs and running wild in different directions. Cab drivers, restaurant workers and tourists though laughing fondly at our primate friends were shooing them away from the dining areas.

Like our last few encounters with wild monkeys, we both couldn’t contain our excitement. Alex, as always finished before me so I urged him to go and I’ll catch up with him as soon as I finish and pay our bill.

As if we needed more min-blowing moments from this day... Fam and friends, I present to you the Grey Langur monkeys of Jaigarh Fort!!! WHAAAAT?!?!?!

It took me about 10 more mins to finish my food and find Alex. This is how I found him HAHAHA

Then this happened. I almost dropped to the floor and roll laughing

“NOOOO”

The Grey Langur is a group of Old World Monkeys.

They are large, inhabiting animal and mainly found in the areas which are located in the Indian Subcontinent. These langurs are generally of grey color, with a black face. Male grey langurs are up to 75 cm long and female langurs are 65 cm long

And according to the internet, historically and up to date, these guys at the fort have not harmed any human. They were just doing their own thing, monkeying around, pretty uninterested with us boring humans.

We did witness this particular shameless one who came on to a cab driver walking by who had a bag of Lays chips on hand. Without second thought, the driver surrendered his chips. And I’m not sure if it was already opened or not but the monkey was gorging on it right away.

Old chips thief!

Couldn’t get enough of this mumma and bebeh monkeh. Too precious!!!

These two pups were trying to engage the langurs in a playtime cuddle session but went unnoticed. We saw one in a submissive stance drawing himself close to the monkeys to no avail. Too cute!

As soon as we thought we were done for the day, on our way to the exit, a guard ushered us to what looked like a passageway to a tunnel. At first I wasn’t interested but for whatever reason, we still found ourselves walking into it moments later.

More surprises in store! More halls, courtyards, secret rooms and gardens. The tunnel also led us to what seemed like a hidden room but if you keep going, inside is a puppeteer who’s just waiting to give any one a show. Too content with everything we are experiencing, we passed on that.

It’s worth mentioning though, what an eerie yet fantastical vibe it was in there. I heard females, animated voices talking as I was entering that room but came to only saw one person, a man. In that moment it definitely gave me heebeegeebees. I kept telling Alex it sounded like there were more than one person in there.

With our super lovable and dear driver, Raeez. About 30mins before this picture was taken, all three of us in his cab felt completely lost and desperate in a maze of winding and bumpy roads in the middle of a residential area, passing though the tiniest alleys and roads of our lives which of course, our driver expertly navigated through without a sweat. We were reluctantly moving to another hotel for the night because our hotel messed up our reservations. It was a last minute booking but the good thing is it was right next to Jaipur Airport which we need to be at 8am the following day.

All our GPS kept leading us to vacant lots if not dead ends instead of our newly booked hotel. We couldn’t find a phone number in their website nor in the email confirmation I got from them. We asked a passerby but he has never heard of such hotel. Alex started thinking maybe I got scammed? Oh God. Everyone was tired and this is past the time we agreed with our driver. He patiently kept trying out different formats of our address in his GPS. We asked him to just leave us and we’ll find it by foot. He refused and made a face as if we said the most absurd thing in the world.

I don’t know how but we did find our hotel, enclosed in a gated community. We thank and hug Raeez tight and off he went.

What a day. What an unforgettable chain of experiences, vibrant Jaipur.

#mrmrsbecks

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nyruratchet · 5 years ago

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Notes 5 - It’s Been A While

This is not the life I though I’d have. I had so many plans. But life has been stolen. I’m sitting here my bed, in a tiny NYC room that I pay way too much for, with a roommate next door who takes me for granted, and bills staring me in the face every which way I turn.

I did everything I was supposed to. Every damned thing that was asked of me and I ended up HERE. I wanted to be a performer, but my parents didn’t support me going to California or Rutgers right out of High School to pursue my passion. This was very selfish on their part and I think I will carry resentment for that until the day I die. Because I will never ever know what could have been. But I own my part in that decision. I could have defied them, sure; been “cut-off” (from what I’m still trying to figure out...we still have no money). But instead, I did what they wanted and ended up nowhere and with nothing to show for my obedience...but I digress.

Sorry, it has been a minute since I last wrote. I had started dating someone and...actually thought again if I put all my effort into it, that finally there would be fruits of my labor. Again, life gave me a big fuck you. Why didn’t it work? I chased him far longer than I should have. I accepted far too little from him in return for what I was willing to give. Distance was an issue, but it could have been bearable had he been able to meet me halfway. He’s a good person. Just has lots of growing up to do. He will get there though; but without me. So, it didn’t fit and I cried SO much until I realized I didn't love him and I wasn’t ever going to. Aint that some shit; finally a guy “wants’” to date me and I’m the one who has to end it. I guess the first try is always destined to be a failure?

I posted recently about my role in friendships. YES, I know I have been MIA. But if you don’t understand why I’ve been physically non-present...I don’t know what to tell you. I try my damndest to respond to all texts; but sometimes my mind doesn’t allow it to happen. This year has hit me SO much harder than I thought possible. Therefore, all my energy has been put into staying alive. Now, don’t be afraid of me saying that. I’m not looking to end my life. But when life keeps dragging you beneath the current and you keep rising enough to barely catch a tiny breath before being plunged into the fathoms below once more, you begin to wonder if you should just go with that flow and let it carry you away. Talk to someone? Been there, done that. Doesn’t help me. My problems are tangible. Money, Career, Love. Period. Scheduled venting sessions offer me no resolution. I entered myself into therapy in college. Went on for 4 years until it was no longer covered. Then when I got on employment a few years later in NYC, I resumed for another year hoping maybe someone else could help me figure out why I’m so miserable. 4 therapists/counselors later...nothing. So, I stopped paying the mere $30 copay there was (which was still a struggle because I was on food stamps as it is; still pursuing my dream to be on Broadway and become a recording artist) and went on with trying to at least solve one of my problems...money. So, I got a job instead of being a starving artist.

Inflight crewmember with JB. FML. Why did I do this to myself? I did. I was in a bad place and things got a bit better but now I’m worse off. Mo money, mo problems?? HARDLY. Money would solve most of my problems right now.

Rent. Utilities. Food (I make too much to be on food stamps no...so says the gov’t). Mental Health. Music...

Oh my music...So, I told you all I would explain more on why good artists struggle to get GOOD music out. Here goes my attempt:

1. Write music: doing this on your “off-time” from working for someone else’s business is exhausting. But if you love it and are driven, you can do it. I have many songs that I have written tired as shit after my redeyes. I’m actually a beast at catchy melodies, lyrics, and vocal harmonies.

2. Purchase equipment/software: Home studios or some type of set-up is pretty much a necessity. I need to have song fully imagined so the producer and technicians know the progression when recording and building the song. (Mic-$80, Logic X pro-$200, Studio Headphones: ~$100, Pop filter: ~$20, New computer: (varies, but given that I’ve had computers crash etc. I’ll tell the most recent price) $2500,

3. Find a producer: So...unless you have magical fingers and can play instruments, the next step is finding a talented producer to do your backing track/orchestration. And good producers need to be PAID by the hour for a custom production. (~$25-50/hr) OR you can purchase exclusive rights to a already produced beat for a for ~$150...but even those can get pricey.

4. Book a studio: So, if you’re doing an original song you will definitely need multiple studio sessions. For one song I worked on, I spent about $700 dollars for 3 sessions only 3-4hrs long each.

5. Proper mixing/mastering: there are online services that can do quick mastering. LANDR cost me $15/month. But when I’m doing original music, that needs professional mastering/mixing. What does that mean? More time for you or an audio engineer you trust to be in a studio. So, depending on who/where that is...lets say ~$25-75/hr (good mixing will take a few hours at least on the first sit down.

6. Song is done. What’s next? Promotion...see where this is going? Social media. You need photos/artwork which its own separate expense if you don’t do your own. And then if you aren't yourself a IG/Twitter/Snap influencer with 20K followers, you need to pay them to post your song so people give a shit to even listen let alone PURCHASE your art on iTunes/Amazon/Tidal/Soundcloud. And influencers/promotion services charge HUNDREDS. So, when I beg and plead my friends to SHARE, LIKE and post I’m doing so because I need your help. I can’t ever afford good promotion.

7. Release Music: You have to pay to release your music on streaming/music services ~$40. They then take a percentage of sales from each platform.

Now, your ONE song is out. Lets say a couple thousand people streamed the song for free on Spotify or Pandora. How much you think an artist gets? Well, lets put it this way. I’ve done a few songs and have seen no money. I’m literally hemorrhaging money just to do something I love. But that forces me to do more of what I hate is being a flight attendant. Why don't I do something else? Oh honey, trust me...I’ve been working since I was 15. Dont you think I’m looking? I’ve been looking and brainstorming. Nothing is looking good. So, yes I know I’m the only one who can get myself out of a situation I don’t like. But it is beyond me right now. But I DO wake up each day hoping I find SOME way to make a change. But I do fear I will reach the point of hopelessness fairly soon; and the point is different than the braking point aforementioned.

So, I was doing all of this music creation on top of a depressing dating experience and roommate issues AND job related stress. I’m honestly not sure how I’m alive. I’m not suicidal but at one point I contemplated calling a hotline to see exactly what they are trained to do should I reach the braking point. I didn’t do it. I cried myself to sleep again; rolled out of bed the next day to go to work as so many adults do. I KNOW I’m not the only one struggling. But when your lot in life feels like a mistake and loneliness is staring you in the face every day you are “blessed” to open your eyes, you keep asking yourself (well, I keep asking Myself...) Why the FUCK am I here? No one (on the grand scheme of things) is paying attention my music and guys literally seemed repulsed when I express interest. I’m know I’m supposed to matter but, this world keeps telling me otherwise. So, yeah...sorry, it has been a while. But without music, I guarantee I’d be gone by now. Guess we’ll see how long this will last.

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blissfulsunkisses · 6 years ago

Text

To The Boy I’ll Forever Love.

A year ago God blessed me by putting you in my life and I’ve never been more thankful. 2017 was the roughest year ever, I was played several times and ended up with many heartbreaks and unfortunately I let these people break me. So much was changing that year for me, we sold our house and were going to be moving to America and to be honest I really dreaded it as I was leaving my whole life behind to go start a new one where I knew nobody besides my uncle. It’s really hard to pack up everything, all the memories and just go. The worst was leaving my friends behind but the absolute killer was leaving you behind. After 7 months of intense heartbreak I had given up on love, I truly believed that love was not in my future and that it just wasn’t meant to be. Maybe it was because I kept rushing into relationships and trusting no-good people or maybe it was that I was destined to find true love before I left. It was finally coming up to the end of July and my first thought was “schools finishing I can finally go out and party” but I clearly jinxed myself and partied to hard that weekend and ended getting acute bronchitis and was not allowed to attend my last week of school. The last week of July also brought some good things into my life, I had recently been stalking you on Instagram and then 2 days later you followed me on Instagram and I was filled with happiness because I thought you were a cutie even though I’d only ever seen you on Instagram. I spoke to my one friend a lot about you because there was just something about you that kept taking me back to your Instagram page and eventually I didn’t have to search your name anymore, you were now my top searched, who would’ve thought in a million years I’d go through your page so much.

It was now the second week of August, I was finally better and was ready to hit the town again as my final day in the homeland was approaching and I knew once I moved, there would be no more partying. That weekend (August 12th) I was with my friend and I suggested we go out so we got our group of friends together and told them our last minute plans and they were down. Unfortunately who would’ve known that we all ended up being broke that night and could only afford the free water. Our one friend was speaking to his group of friends while I stood behind them all with my girl friend being shy as ever until I heard my instagram name being called out followed by “I follow you on Instagram.” I tried to act dumb as if I couldn’t think of your name but rather it was sitting right on the tip of my tongue ready to be shouted out. We then became “instagram homies” as you said. The night went on and we all went our own ways, my friend and I were skitting the night away in the basement and then I saw you again from the corner of my eye. I thought “it’s a sign let me get closer” but I turned around to make sure I could still see my friend and as I turned back, you were gone. I ended up going on my own mission to find you and hopefully speak to you, I walked out the basement and I passed you sitting on the one bench but you looked occupied so I went to the next stage and stayed there. The night was coming to an end and I successfully failed my own missions of talking to you. We got home and while lying in bed I asked my friend “should I dm him now and say it was good meeting him?” And she told me to wait till the morning so I didn’t look desperate. 6am came and I couldn’t be more excited to send you a message, I sent it and now the wait for your reply had begun.

After I got out the dms with you, we finally started having proper conversations and if I’m being honest, I started to like you but I warned myself not to fall so fast and get hurt but I did the exact opposite but never got hurt. Our first date (August 21) left me with millions of butterflies in my stomach and with your jumper that smelt of heaven covering my neck. I couldn’t wait to tell my mom how amazing our date was and how I thought you were the one, she looked at me and her eyes lit up and I knew she knew you were the one for me. I never slept all night as I knew it was a sign, I prayed so hard to be given a sign if I was destined for love and you, you were the sign... I fell in love with you but I didn’t tell you that until later on. Every time I saw you, every day I spent with you, I fell more and more in love with you.

My last week in the homeland had arrived and I did not want to leave, mainly because I was leaving you and I did not want to leave you. I spent every single day with you during my last week and I think that was my best week ever. I learnt so much about you and saw sides to you I could never imagine a person to have. You made me feel like I was the only girl in the world when I was with you. The first day you held my hand in public, I knew you were a keeper because no matter how shy you were to hold it you still did and I to be honest, I didn’t want to let your hand go. Every day I saw you I wished that I had met you before me moving was even in my future. I never wanted to leave you, each day when it came to our goodbyes I hated it because it meant I was a day closer to leaving you and each time I got in the car to leave my throat felt as if it was closing due to me wanting to cry. My final day with you has and forever will leave a hollow in my heart, I should’ve climbed out the car and given you one last goodbye but I couldn’t let you see me cry. My last date with you, I wouldn’t want to change it one bit because that was the day I truly fell in love with you, it was the day where my heart was so full it felt complete again, the day that left me with happiness and butterflies as it was the start of something I hoped would never end. Our last goodbye, the goodbye I prayed would never come was absolutely heartbreaking, I wanted nothing more than to cry in your arms and be by you and your heart forever. My Uber arrived and I could already feel my throat croaking and I was trying so hard to keep my tears back, the look on your face and our last touch will forever be a memory stuck in my head and heart. I should’ve stopped the Uber to give you one last hug and I’ll always regret that. I cried the whole ride home and couldn’t wait to get to my grans house so I could see my mom and hug her as I felt a hole forming in my heart and you were the only one who could fill that hole. You, you stole my heart.

I settled down in America and continued to fall in love with you even though we were 10,299 miles apart from one another. We FaceTimed every day and every night for about 3/4hrs, every chance I got I’d FaceTime you because seeing you made me so happy and warmed my heart. You always had a smile on your face, you’d wake up before the sun had even risen to call me. You truly were heavenly sent. September 13th you wrote on your leg “will you be my gf” and showed me your leg at 9pm when I FaceTimed you, and that was the day my life changed. I planned a future with you, you were part of my life, you held a special place in my heart that I knew would never be lost.

It was now 2018 and we still were the happiest couple ever. The months went on, we grew closer, we started planning our futures together, everything was just perfect. I had finally booked my ticket to come home and see you and spend at least 8 days with you and I couldn’t have been more happier but due to family issues that had occurred during February I started attending therapy from April and have been going ever since. I really enjoy going to a therapist because it’s not always easy to speak to those you love about your problems especially until somewhere down the line my happiness changed and I became selfish. I started to rethink this whole long distance relationship due to always seeing other couples out and having fun and being able to physically touch their partners while mine was 10,299 miles away and I wasn’t able to touch him or properly see him until June 18. Summer was approaching, graduation was coming up and all I could think of was going out and experiencing this 3 month summer holiday everyone always boasts about.

I unfortunately let the selfish part of me take over and started drifting away from you, every time I wanted to tell you I couldn’t because your happiness was so special to me and you were in such a good space in your life, I didn’t want to wreck that. Instead I wrecked something I’ll forever hate myself for. I wrecked us. I wanted to go out and do crazy things but I was scared that you wouldn’t approve of the crazy summer I had coming for me. I let people convince me that it was better to be single than do long distance. I cried in so many therapy lessons because I felt as if something was taking over my heart and my mind. I held several things so deep inside of me that I physically made myself sick. I didn’t want to make a decision but my therapist told me “if it’s meant to be it’ll be, even if it doesn’t turn out how you would like, try again in the future because a love this deep could never fade” and those words have stayed with me until this day. Ending things with you was never something I planned, please know that. It was never something I hoped would happen. I wish it never did and that I was still with you, I miss the sound of your voice, I miss you, I miss your incredible personality and sense of humor but I mainly miss the memories and time I could’ve been spending with you right now. I should’ve waited and spoken to you, I shouldn’t have just gone straight ahead and ended it because you didn’t deserve it. You deserved nothing but happiness and when I ended it, I sat in my school bathroom and cried myself into a state. So many summer nights I’d be sitting with a bottle pressed against my lips but rather hoping it was your lips instead of a bottle. I cried so many nights but couldn’t man up and tell you that I missed you because I had ended it and felt like a witch who shouldn’t be feeling anything besides hatred as I hurt the only person I ever truly loved and never wanted to part with.

I know there’ll never be enough words in this lifetime to apologize to you but I’m so sorry. You never deserved the pain I put you through and I’m sorry I put you through it. I’m sorry I sprung it all upon you when you weren’t expecting it. I let you go and I’ll never forgive myself. I can’t say that I’ll send you this to read but if you do, please know that you were my world and I’m sorry for the pain I caused you. I miss you so much it’s scary. I wake up most nights at 3/4am with hurt in my body and I just want to cry and it’s all because I let a selfish part of me make a decision I shouldn’t have made.

I wish you all the best of luck with your future. You’re so special and you have a bright future coming your way. Never give up on yourself or the goals you set because like I’ve always said to you, you can do it and many people believe in you so keep going! I wish you all the best of luck for the adventure coming your way in these next few months, you're going to do great and shock people with your extraordinary mind. I hope one day we can figure things out as I don’t want to let you go from my life. You do and forever will hold a chunk of my heart and I’ll never forget you.

To the one I let go of, I love you.

#love #follow #heart #forever #deep #long distance #blog

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