#i love how im just sitting on a pile of rp art that im too lazy to post

[heathenoushound]

🐺🖤 🩸

[pearlsacrossmycollarbones-blog]

below cut is ooc rambling and mun being a whiny brat

I’ll avoid oversharing but I just wanna sit some shit down somewhere and maybe come back on it in a while and have a chuckle, who knows? 

like post of you read it i guess

tldr my own laziness puched me in the face today.

well im p sure my ‘laziness’ in induced by the whopping pile of mental bs my psychiatrist is withholding from me for some reason, but at the end of the day the result is the same 

days go by and I realise I have no redeemable skills that could be used for an actual career. I suck at academia, I’m very obviously not cut for art school despite my efforts... i procrastinate even things i enjoy doing (i.e. RP replies, fanfic/original writing, drawing, etc...)

im useless as an adult and general member of society. I can’t work because even a small job would make me feel exasperated and irritated and I wouldn’t do it right (and I’d rather let someone who wouldn’t half-ass the job have it instead), I can’t study (I love learning but can’t sit my ass down and do something productive for the life of me) and to top it all off I spend far too much time daydreaming about what I could be rather than working towards it like any sane person with goals would do.  Hell, even ‘traditional’ goals (I use that term very, very loosey). I’d never be capable of being a wife or mother because that would imply I’d be stable enough for someone to 1/ consider living with me and actually loving me and 2/ trust me with a child, when I’m really, realy bad and nervous around kids. Even as a housewife I’d fail because I’m generally far too disorganised and lazy and ughjezc,wxsdukgfhjkl You know, if I were prettier and thinner in a super conventionnal way I’d drag my ass down to the riviera in the summer, the alps in the winter, and Paris in between bc I would be an honest-to-god sugar baby. Unfortunately rich people who happen to be chubby chasers are much rarer than one would expect.That’s fucking dandy.

I feel bad for my parents. I grew up with them telling me how smart and special I was and how proud they were of me and because I rolled in praise I thought it was enough, I never learnt how to work or focus because I was a smart cookie who read books and that just isn’t enough when you grow older.  They told me I’d be a lawyer or a writer or something else that was amazing and in the end I’m a pathetic freeloader leeching off of them until either one of us dies first. 

I feel bad for them more than for myself tbh. Imagine how disappointed they are. They’re not telling me but I’m sure they’re sad. 

My friends, too. I mean I guess I joke around how I’m the mom friend and I always say I love them and care for them and I do. I just never show them when I’m angry and miserable and sad and how much I wanna die and I know it sounds edgy as fuck lmao cause it is but while I’m full of poison I sugarcoat myself with layers and layers of syrup and sprinkles and nice things and I wear cute clothes and I smile and I always hug my friends and tell them how much I love them and it’s sincere, ok? I love them and I wanna be cute and sweet and kind and I wish I was like that without constantly burning on the inside

I’m too much of a cynic, maybe? far too much. idk if im redeemable at this point

I wish things had been different since the very beginning, that’s all.