#i love frerard as much as the next guy but some frerarders are so annoying. sorry

[mychemicalgoremance]

bitch this is WAYCEST.. take your sensitive ass back to frerard

[dykebians]

Without You Is How I Disappear - Frerard

*New more ao3-like format Read it on ao3 By PagebyPaige

Summary: I read an amazing fic that I thought was a mcr reunion fic that ended up being heart-shattering angst. Long story short, I decided I would rewrite the fic myself and end it the way I wished it had ended.

Word Count: 1139 Chapters: 1/? Language: English

•Fandoms: My Chemical Romance •Rating: Teen and Up Audiences •Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply •Categories: M/M •Characters: Frank Iero, Gerard Way, Bandit Way, Ray Toro, Lindsey Way - mention, Mikey Way •Relationships: Frank Iero/Gerard Way, Frerard - relationship •Additional Tags: (Abbreviated version) Angst, Fluff, Angst with Fluff, mcr reunion, Resolved Angst, Attempted Suicide, tagging is hard

It was the worst thing that ever could've happened.

The only thing keeping Frank alive was gone, and now it was killing him. If things didn't get better today, Frank was going to die.

Every day for weeks, Frank kept the same mantra. If things didn't get better, he would die. So far, he was getting closer and closer.

He'd gotten so bad that he decided to fly out to California. If he didn't make things better, Frank would die.

Frank kicked at the dust beneath his feet where he stood at the front door of his best friend. Some best friend he was, someone who didn't even return Frank's calls anymore.

Finally, Frank knocked gently at the white-painted door. Who was he kidding? Gerard had a family, a daughter. He wouldn't want Frank back in his life. Of course, Frank had to be right.

"Oh, hi Frank." Gerard looked older now, his fiery "Danger Days hair" faded to a dark orange. His tone was clearly annoyed, exactly what Frank feared.

"S-sorry, am I interrupting?" Frank cursed himself for stuttering.

Gerard sighed. "It's fine, Frank. Just, what do you want?"

"I was just wondering if you, um, wanted to reconnect some time? I haven't seen you in a while..." Frank trailed off. It was a stupid idea, anyways. Gerard had a life, a solo career. He didn't need Frank.

"Sorry Frank. It's just that, well, I don't think that it's a good idea for us to be friends right now." Not even friends? Frank thought back to the fierce kisses, the screaming lyrics, him playing until his fingers bled. They were so close, and now they couldn't even be friends.

"Oh, okay. Well, um, bye then."

"Frank." Gerard stopped him. Frank let himself hope. "If you have some time, there's a nice little soda fountain type place, really cute and all, and you should probably hit it before you leave town."

"O-okay, I'll check it out."

"Bye Frank."

"Bye Gerard."

Frank left, feeling worse than when he got there. They one man who could fix him had somehow made him worse. If things didn't get better, Frank was going to kill himself.

Frank thought back to the past five, no, six years since he had lost the band. He had tried to make music on his own, but so far that was failing spectacularly. He couldn't play a guitar without thinking of Gerard's perfect voice singing the vocals it should've been matching.

The truth was, Frank was just as upset about the breakup as the fans, though they didn't know that, of course. He hated it. He hated everything. The band had been his everything: it was a distraction from all of his many flaws, his failures. Gerard had survived alcoholism, addiction, attempted suicide, everything because of the band, but suddenly now he couldn't stand to be around Frank anymore. Frank thought Gerard had needed the band as much as he did, but apparently not.

It was probably just another thing Frank had fucked up. Still himself, Frank did everything Gerard asked of him. That meant he did indeed visit the soda fountain, which was of course in a drugstore. Sitting on a stool on the far end of the counter, he was left alone. If today didn't get better, he would kill himself. He looked around at all the different pill bottles lined up neatly on shelves. Any variety of things in there could've been deadly. On a whim, Frank picked up his phone and scrolled through his contacts. Scrolling past all the familiar names, Frank reached one he hadn't looked at in a long while. If he was going to die, he might as well indulge himself. Frank hit call and raised his phone to his ear.

"Frank?"

"Hey Ray."

"Hi Frank. What can I do for you?"

"Are those cars in the background? Ray, if you're busy..."

"Well if it's urgent Frank..."

"No, no. It's not a problem. I'll call you back later?"

"Sure thing. Why don't you call Gerard? I'm sure he'd be able to help with whatever you need, unless it's guitar chords." They both laughed, but Frank wasn't sure if he was laughing at Ray's comment or the absurdity of his question.

"Sure, why not. Bye Ray."

"See ya, Frank."

Frank clicked his phone off and sat quietly, musing to himself. Maybe he would call Gerard. If today didn't get better, Frank would die.

The first time he tried, Gerard didn't even pick up. Feeling desperate, Frank tried again. And again. On probably the third or fourth time, Gerard finally answered.

"Frank, for God's sake. You need to stop calling me, I said we shouldn't talk right now!" Without a word, Frank hung up.

Frank knew he shouldn't have bothered Gerard. He was just generally a failure. He had stopped taking his meds because they weren't working. He stopped picking up his guitar because he no longer found joy in playing. He knew, secretly, the only thing that would fix him. He still loved Gerard, and the band. He needed both if he was ever going to be okay again. Just like so many of their fans, the band had saved his life. Just like every teenager ever had said, the band understood him.

Frank took out a pair of earbuds and scrolled through the music on his phone. Yes, he had My Chem in his music. How couldn't he? Playing it on stage or listening like a fan, Frank needed the music. This time, though, the music wasn't enough for him. He still felt the aching in his heart because they weren't going back in next week to record the new material, they weren't going back on tour in a few days. MCR was done, just like Gerard said.

Suddenly angry, Frank yanked the earbuds out of his ears. His throat was tight; he didn't trust himself to speak. Frank made the decision: today had gone to shit, and he was going to die. He walked out, almost in a daze, and got back in his car. He drove in vaguely the direction he came from, stopping only when he reached a bridge.

He got out and walked. There was no question to him that he deserved this. He only joined the band because he thought the lead singer was cute, after all. He was only in the band because they needed an "extra guy" to help out Ray. Frank wasn't necessary. He meant nothing to the guys, and they didn't need him. Gerard denied all rumors of them being together after it had ended, although Frank's feelings were still very clearly present.

Frank reached the side of the bridge, and climbed up the side railing. As he stood, teetering on top, he brought back his worst fear. Gerard never loved you.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/10169528/chapters/22590992