#i love 2pm ive been listening to them again

[britneyshakespeare]

man my life SUCKS. im about to be the same age junho was in my house by 2pm

[wickymicky]

after just watching Sihyeon onstage for like two years and not really checking out much of Everglow’s offstage content at all, i really had no idea that she’d be one of the funniest and just most naturally goofy idols i’ve come across haha. idk, like i’m not trying to downplay her charisma onstage, because she definitely has a lot and she is getting better with every comeback, but just based on how she is there... i thought she would be a lot more laid back offstage than she actually is hahaha. 

[perahn]

Palliative Nursing

One of my patients died today.

I first met Arthur a couple of months ago. I’m a community and palliative nurse primarily, but I was covering a shift on the ward. He’d been transferred over from another hospital. I never really worked out why, since he was only coming in overnight before being discharged home.

When I came in, his wife Anne was trying to comfort him. He had only received his diagnosis recently – prostate cancer, which had spread to his bones and his brain – and he desperately wanted to go home. He was also frustrated to the point of tears at the way his body had betrayed him. He had been strong and independent, and now he was tired and weak. The struggle to find the words he wanted left long gaps in his speech, and so often neither Anne nor I could help.

He wanted to die. He wanted – he could convey that much – to leave the world ‘with dignity’; if it was time for him to go, he wanted to go. And Anne sat there, and tried to soothe and calm him. He wanted euthanasia, and he could not have it, and I was never sure whether she wanted that for him, or if she wanted to hold onto him as long as she could.

The next time I saw him, he was home again. They’d been in the process of selling their house and downsizing, but Anne cancelled it. So Arthur came home to a warm, sunlit room with an en suite, and they moved their bed down into it. He was a different man when I saw him at home. The words that had deserted him in hospital came more easily, and he smiled, and he could enjoy food again. By about my third or fourth visit – I was seeing him twice a week at that stage, just making sure he had everything he needed to be comfortable at home – he was telling Anne it was a pity all their sons were married and he couldn’t have me in the family.

He had time and support. His daughter Eden moved in for a while; his son and grandchildren live next door. The weather turned warmer, and he sat out in the garden. The family gathered around him, and they took a photo. He was, for the most part, free of pain. You don’t expect that once it gets into the bones, but I am grateful for it.

There is a distance, and there has to be. You aren’t there for every step of the journey, and you come into it as a stranger. Anne woke every time he did, and walked him to the toilet. She coaxed him to eat, helped him use the walker, rubbed ointment into his swelling legs and reminded him to elevate them. She nursed him, and so did Eden. I… stepped in for the other parts. The paperwork. The questions you never think about until someone you love is dying. How do you, and what if, and when, and what do we do about -?

There were changes, last week. Words began to slip away again, and sitting up grew harder. I asked Anne if they wanted a bedside commode for him, so she didn’t have to walk him all the way to the toilet three times a night. She said no, that the exercise was good for him, and they were managing. Then she rang the next day, told me he’d slipped while trying to sit on the toilet, and maybe they’d better have one after all. So my boss Sam and I got one out to their house on Friday. Eden followed me out to the car. She didn’t want to ask in front of Anne, but what needed to happen if, or when, Arthur died? Who did they call, what did they do about his body?

It was a long weekend, and we had the Monday off. Anne rang Tuesday morning. Arthur had significantly deteriorated over the weekend, she told us. She and Eden couldn’t get him up, and they’d been nursing him in bed. His painkillers didn’t seem to be helping as much, because he was restless, turning in bed and plucking at his clothes. My boss covered two of my patients so I could go see Arthur as soon as possible.

Anne was curled up beside him in their bed. Other family members were gathered around, and one of them left the bedside so I could go talk to him. “Here’s Katherine,” Anne said, and Arthur opened his eyes and reached out his hand. He tried to say something as I took and held it. I know he recognised me, even if I couldn’t understand what he wanted to say.

Later I came back with a syringe driver. We use these a lot in palliative care: little machines that very slowly administer a dose into the subcutaneous tissue over 24 hours. Usually, like this one, they’re loaded with morphine, for the pain; midazolam, for agitation and the restlessness that comes over the body in dying; and metoclopramide, for the nausea the morphine can cause. They’re smaller, simpler, and less invasive than an IV line, or repeatedly sticking someone with needles. Arthur didn’t even flinch as I put the first line in, or the second one. The second one is for top-up doses; I used it immediately to give him a loading dose, then taught Eden and her brother how to access it if they needed to give him more pain relief. I left an envelope with the verification of death form at the house.

I left the house not long before seven pm. According to the roster, I’d been supposed to finish at 4:30. That was all right.

The syringe driver runs over 24 hours, but I stopped in to see Arthur and his family around 11am. Arthur was lying on his side. Eden had needed to give him some extra, and so had Anne, but on the whole he’d had a good night, they told me. He didn’t respond this time, although he called out hoarsely a few times. I gave him another top-up, and told Anne I’d be back to change the syringe driver once I’d spoken to the doctor.

I discussed how much top-up Arthur had needed with the doctor, and then one of the other nurses made up the new syringe with me, and my boss covered a patient appointment I had, and I went out to Arthur around 2pm.

Eden was in the front room, continuing to work from home; Anne was on the lounge with a laptop. Arthur had been so peaceful and quiet, she thought she’d get the laundry and a few other things done. Anne and I went in, and she told him I was here to change the medicine, and she’d help him roll over so I could reach. She reached out and touched him, and then she turned to look at me.

“He isn’t-” and she backed away.

I checked the carotid artery.

“I’m sorry,” I said to Anne. “He’s gone.”

And then I held her as she wept.

She was so devastated. She hadn’t been there for him as he died. He’d been alone and she’d been sitting outside, and she hadn’t known.

And it doesn’t matter how many hours she lay beside him, how poorly she slept, half-listening and ready to help the moment he stirred, night after night, the literal around-the-clock nursing she gave him, the long years they lived together. It doesn’t matter how hard, physically and emotionally, it is to support someone you love dying at home, how much she and Eden had gladly sacrificed to give him what he wanted. It doesn’t matter how many people do die alone, waiting for the moment everyone’s back is turned to slip away in privacy. None of that softens the pain, not in a moment like that.

I pray they will eventually.

I got Eden for her, slipped out to the car to get what I needed, and to give them time to themselves.

They had him cuddled between the two of them when I came back, and eventually they chose to leave the room so I could do the necessary things.

I rolled him onto his back, heard the faint groans. Wiped his mouth and crusted eyelids. Removed the lines I’d put in yesterday, straightened his shirt. I was talking to him, every step. It’s just something you find yourself doing. “Sorry, Arthur. I’ve just got to roll you over and get these lines out. I’m sorry if this hurts...”

It’s… not an easy thing, verifying a death. I had thought he was dead the moment I came into the room, and I’d checked for a pulse. Even so, part of you almost refuses to be sure. His hands were so cold, but his throat was still warm. I couldn’t feel a pulse, but maybe that just meant I was doing it wrong (I knew I wasn’t, but what if? What if I had hurt these people so much, and I was wrong, and I had to go tell them he was still alive, and however would they cope with that?) I put a stethoscope to his unmoving chest and listened for a heartbeat, or for breath. I couldn’t hear anything, but I was breathing very loudly myself in my mask – would I hear it? Wasn’t his chest moving, just the tiniest bit? I had to rub his sternum very hard to see if there was any movement away from the stimulus, and I apologised.

Then I lifted his eyelids. ‘Fixed and dilated pupils’ is what the form says, clinical terminology that is accurate as far as it goes. What it means is that you look into those eyes, and they are still and glassy, and the soul behind them is gone.

I could doubt the rest of the tests. Not that one.

I went out, told them I was finished. We talked; I told them what an amazing job they’d done, how proud they should be, all the things that don’t mean anything to them right at the moment, but might later. I stepped into another room to ring the doctor and let her know. I filled out the verification of death form and hid it away in a plain white envelope. Eden rang her brother, and again we went over the final things to be done. Here’s the form. Ring the funeral directors when you’re ready for them to come pick Arthur up. There’s no rush. Call anyone else you think will want to come say goodbye. Give yourselves as much time as you need.

Eden’s brother arrived. She’d sent him a text to come over, but hadn’t wanted to say why. So he came striding in with a cheery ‘hello’, and Eden said ‘He’s gone’, and she choked, and he crumpled. He went softly into the room where Anne was lying beside Arthur, stroking his face and murmuring to him. Too softly; he touched Anne’s arm and she jumped.

Clearly despite herself, Eden laughed.

“I thought for a moment,” Anne said, “that he’d fooled us all. That he was just pretending.”

Which hurt, and still hurts, and I shall remember.

When I left them, it was with the three of them clustered around the bed, the son trying not to cry. They didn’t need me, but I’d drop by in a couple of days if they wanted, I said quietly.

Anne would like that, she told me, and she thanked me for all I’d done. That Arthur had always been glad to see me. “He had his favourite nurse,” she added. “Beautiful Katherine, he said.”

I don’t understand the depth of grace that lets you say something like that in the midst of such terrible grief, but I shall remember that, too.

The last time I made a post a bit like this, I had a little bit of a moral to share. I don’t, this time. I am writing because it helps me process, and I shared it because…well, I still think we need to talk about dying, I suppose, and this is a way to add to the conversation. Because it is such an honour and extraordinary privilege to be a palliative nurse. Because some of you might, like my patients and their families, have questions you don’t know how to ask. Because it touched me, and it might do the same for you. Because love and grief and service to each other are such essential parts of our humanity.

Eternal rest grant unto him, o Lord, and may perpetual light shine upon him. May his soul and the souls of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace.

Amen.

[rylie-studies]

hihiiiiii how’s your day been?

Ive actually had a really good day so far (it’s only 2pm) :DDD

I was actually able to sleep in for once which was nice, especially since I was so tired from spending yesterday stitching notebooks & scoring/folding covers & pages for them.

Also I finally cleaned my desk :D! I cleaned the rest of my room the other day but left my desk bc it was a whole other level of messy & I had no energy left lmao. I feel so much better now that all that dust is gone, I’m allergic to dust & it’d been causing a lot of problems lately bc I hadn’t cleaned in so long.

Also I lit a new candle when I was done w my desk & it smells so gooddddd, it’s meant to smell like some blend of flowers but I don’t remember what they are whoops. Do you have any favourite candles/candle scents?

- 🦇

hey sweets!! i’m doing well, it’s currently four in the afternoon and i’m about to dive into doing some italian whilst listening to some italian songs and trying to keep myself warm. there’s supposed to be a huge snowstorm hitting where i live tomorrow morning and i can definitely see the beginnings of it today!! i’m thinking a lot about the homeless people though and i just hope that they’re given a shelter to go in so they’re not outside freezing. nonetheless, my day has been well and i hope yours too!! 

i’m so glad that you got to sleep in!! i’ve been sleeping in a lot these days too and it’s nice, but i’ve noticed that maybe, just maybe, i’ve been doing it way too often and i gotta start getting up earlier again. i feel so much better when i wake up early yet i always find so many things to do at night. also, a clean desk is always nice!! i’m proud of you for that accomplishment!! tbh, i find that i really cannot function well when there’s clutter so i always gotta keep things neat and organized. honestly though, the feeling of satisfaction and freshness you get after decluttering your space is incomparable, it’s literally so incredible. 

also omg candles!! you’re really living up to the cozy aesthetic, my friend. okay tbh i’ve always wanted to start using candles, but i’m always a bit worried that i’ll forget about it or it causes a mess. i’ve also never liked using matches or lighters, i’m not sure why, but yeah i remember having to use one for one of the labs we did in a chemistry class and omg i was freaking out a bit. i mean, i love fire like especially in a campfire and i enjoy the smell of it too (perhaps i’m weird but that’s alright), but yeah i tend to overthink things sometimes. i might start buying some candles soon though and trying it out!! 

i hope you’re having a lovely and cozy day, lovely!! make sure to stay warm and safe wherever you are!! and thank you for stopping by, i always love hearing about what other people are up to in their own little bubble!! ✨

[monbabi]

Get to know me tag tagged by the sweet @monstafeels !! rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people (oh god do i even kno 20 ppl) The last Drink: some strange soda tht i didn't like Phone call: my mom!! about the house we could move into Text message: "tht is the ugliest goddamn hat i have ever seen" Song i’ve listened to: mr. badboy by wjsn!!!!! Time you cried: uhh last night bc i was watching kihyun fancams snsjshdhfknsjf Have you 6. Dated someone twice: nope! 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: my first and only kiss was my friend's dog and it was the best thing thts ever happened to me 8. Been cheated on: if my only kiss has been a dog do u think ive been cheated on 9. Lost someone special: oh yea definitely 10. Been depressed: haha u mean my entire life? oh heck yea 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: never been drunk enough to throw up 12- 14. List three favorite colors: pink, orange, yellow !! the last 2 get way too much shit but they are BEAUTIFUL COLORS!!! In the last year have you 15. Made new friends: yea!!! 16. Fallen out of love: yea :/ 17. Laughed until you cried: YEA me and my friend were looking at this sweet potato that looked like a dick in ap bio it was so funny 18. Found out someone was talking about you: yea 👀 19. Met someone who changed you: yea!! 20. Found out who your friends are: mmm sure? 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: nope General 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them! i dont give online friends my fb bc i dont want tht to intermingle w my irl friends lmao 23. Do you have any pets: multiple fish!! theres lulu, nunu, ora, gummy, chimmie, moomoo, and alla!! moomoo is pregnant im so excited!!!!!! 24. Do you want to change your name: back when i was a kid yea but now i love my name!! maybe one day i'll tell u guys my name but u can keep calling me en 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: went to a restaurant w my friends then we crashed in my room and watched hamster cooking videos 26. What time do you wake up: um depends on if someone wakes me up or not but by myself i wake up around 12-2PM LMAO 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: watching pristin videos snshsgd 28. Name something you can’t wait for: MONSTA X BEAUTIFUL TOUR IN LA 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: last night! 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: um the entire time period from age 7 to age 14 31. What are you listening right now: humble by kendrick lamar 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: uh maybe like a white man at a club event but not anyone my age 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: not having the time to do anything 34. Most visited website: probably youtube 35. Moles: yikes i have a lot but the ones on my face are one of my left cheek near my philtrum and one on my left eyelid matching w jooheon :') 36. Marks: i have a birthmark on my left calf and a scar on my right knee from playing basketball 38. Hair color: black but the sun is turning it brown lmao 39. Long or short hair: eh its kinda long 40. Do you have a crush on someone: i used to but i found out she was straight so :/ 41. What do you like about yourself: my empathy 42. Piercings: only my left ear :'( im gonna repierce my right ear and get a second one on my left 43. Bloodtype: type o! 44. Nickname: uh w/o giving much abt my real name, my friends call me hoho sometimes 45. Relationship status: single :') 46. Zodiac: libra! 47. Pronouns: she/they 48. Favorite TV Show: not to be a weeb but im literally obsessed with kamisama hajimemashita 49. Tattoos: no but i wanna get them in the future!! 50. Right or left hand: right! 51. Surgery: uhhhhhh none 52. Hair dyed in different color: NO but i really wanna dye it a dusty pink so hopefully i get tht done soon 53. Sport: i used to be pretty good at basketball idk what happened i like volleyball and badminton tho 55. Vacation: i LOVE vietnam i wanna go back again 56. Pair of trainers: 2! a pair each nike and adidas MORE GENERAL 57. Eating: i jus ate my entire weight in pad thai 58. Drinking: uh rn? nothing 59. I’m about to: leave work! 61. Waiting for: monsta x’s first win (im leaving this here bc i agree) 62. Want: fishnet stockings and too faced peach palette 63. Get married: yea!! 64. Career: business! specifically marketing WHICH IS BETTER 65.Hugs or kisses: hugs bc kisses embarrass me 66. Lips or eyes: oh my godd i love both but i think i have a softer spot for eyes 😣 67. Shorter or taller: taller bc lets face it: im 5'1" i never get called to help grab anything 68. Older or younger: both are cool but bc im fairly young, older seems nice 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: nice arms, i dig big meaty claws 71. Sensitive or loud: sensitive bc im so easily startled 72. Hookup or relationship: relationship! 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker i have enough reluctance in me for abt half the population HAVE YOU EVER: 74.Kissed a stranger: nah 75: Drank hard liquor: yea ive had a bit of whiskey, it was okay 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: YES it was terrible 77. Turned someone down: yea :/ sorry to the ppl ive turned down 78. Sex on the first date: this bussy is closed 79. Broken someone’s heart: idk maybe? 80. Had your heart broken: um by tht straight girl? maybe jus a bit 81. Been arrested: nah 82. Cried when someone died: oh most definitely 83. Fallen for a friend: uhh in the past yea DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: i jus snorted in incredulity 85. Miracles: mm yea 86. Love at first sight: no i think love is much deeper than tht and it needs to be developed and understood from each side 87. Santa Claus: i never did 88. Kiss on the first date: yea sure why not 89. Angels: yes! OTHER:
90. Current best friend's name: i dont have one sole Best Friend™ i have multiple and i dont wanna reveal their name 
91. Eye color: dark brown
92. Favorite movie: hmmm spirited away okay um im jus gonna tag 20 ppl tht i see often or their url jus stuck w me and im jus too shy to make friends @blossomkth @limechangkyun @hyunqvwon @glued-to-astro @chaerismatic @eggchen @userlessgirl @jessthedemigod @sonuwoo @hotseok @imwinwinswifey @ykhyun okay i give up im too lazy for this shit