#i live right next to a lidl

[hannahssimblr]

Morning, as snow drifts pile upon the sills, I wander towards the fridge and rummage through for something to eat. I haven’t been to the supermarket in a while, on account of eating out far more than I should, but it isn’t my fault. It’s Astrid who likes to go out for dinner, and who am I to deny her the opportunity to try a new cuisine, five, six nights a week? There’s a bag of frozen pretzels in the freezer. As soon as I jiggle the bag free of the over-iced drawer, Jonas pipes up from the living room. 

“Don’t eat my pretzels, please.”

“I’m not.”

“I know the sound the pretzel bag makes.”

“It’s… I’m hungry, okay?”

“Then you should have gone to Lidl.”

I pad across the hallway and into the living room where he sits, as always, on the left side of the couch, coffee mug on a coaster, and the newspaper in hand. 

“Really? I can’t have one?”

“No.”

“If I have to queue for the bakery now, I’ll be late for college.”

“You should plan things more. Maybe if you had thought about this, you would have bought your own bag of frozen pretzels.” He takes a long, satisfied sip. “Anyway, you shouldn’t be so worried about your breakfast, when there are these ongoing, violent demonstrations in Tunisia and such. Worse things are happening in the world than your lack of pretzels.”

“Jonas, please.” I groan. He loves regaling me with tales of war, death and destruction in the morning, as if I can do anything to fix it. I know that being a human rights student fills you with this kind of permanent dread, cursed forever with knowledge of the happenings of the world, but I paint pictures at college. Sometimes I make things out of clay which explode in the kiln. That’s about as bad as it gets, and I’d prefer to keep it that way. I don’t want to hear about violence and unrest before breakfast on a Monday morning. 

“You are late for college already,” he adds casually. “It’s already 8:30, and it takes thirty-seven minutes to get there.”

“It’s fine. I was going to get a taxi, anyway.”

“A taxi?”

“Yeah. I’m not walking in the snow.”

“You could have shared one with Astrid this morning.”

“Oh, you saw her.”

“Yes. In a very terrible kind of outfit of track pants and a sweatshirt far too big. She usually doesn’t look quite so dishevelled like this.”

My ears get hot. “Yes, Jonas, obviously those were my clothes.”

He pauses thoughtfully. “Well, I cannot imagine the terrible things you must have done to her clothes. I’m sure you were tearing buttons off and such ridiculous things.”

“Okay, I’m going now.”

He calls to me as I yank on my shoes by the door. “You have not yet sent the water bill money to me.”

“Oh, yes,” I reply distractedly. “I will. I’ve just forgotten the pin number for my account.”

“Again?”

“Yes, again. I’ll find it later.”

“I think if I forgot something so many times, I would write it down.”

“I’m sure you would. See you later!”

“Are you home before dinner?”

“No, I’ll meet you at the restaurant.”

“Okay! Tschuss!”

“Tschuss.”

Beginning // Prev // Next

[unhingedwomandiaries]

Been living off burritos like they're going extinct, all because I found this massive tub of tinga sauce in Lidl for two quid. Two bloody quid! Proper bargain that – or at least that's what I thought before tonight's episode of 'My Stomach Hates Me.'

There I am, making my chicken tinga like the basic bitch I've become, when my gut decides it's had enough. Fifteen burritos in three weeks. Fifteen! My body's staging a proper revolt, like it's finally cottoned on to what I've been feeding it.

Still trying to be a functioning adult, I pack up my lunch for tomorrow (because apparently I hate myself) and start on the washing up. Then my nose decides to go off like a fucked sneeze alarm – four times in a row. That's it. Game over.

Leave the pan and peeler floating in the sink like survivors of the Titanic and leg it upstairs. Next thing, I'm chucking up what looks like my entire day's worth of poor life choices – some manky sausage roll and O'Boy making their grand reappearance. Think I'm done, start reaching for my toothbrush like an optimistic twat, when round two kicks off right into the sink. Thank fuck I hadn't started brushing yet or it'd be like trying to clean up a crime scene with mint foam.

O'Boy can get in the bin. We're done. Finished. This is my villain origin story with chocolate milk.

Might just live off toast for the next week. Or until my stomach forgives me for being such a burrito-obsessed bell end.

[sugaroto]

I'm kinda thinking of moving out but if I do I'll need to do the whole moving by myself (and I guess my mom will hire a μεταφορική for it but yeh) and I'm thinking how I'll have to do everything alone and the fact that I have food. How do I move the food? Like. Is that weird

Btw I want to move cause where I'm living now is, well not the town, I do live next to the university (which means I have to walk and they built that stupid thing up in a hill) so I'm sweating every time I reach the shit

And also it's the whole thing that if I want to go out I need to check for a bus or take a taxi etc

But in the town there's a bus for uni every 10 minutes and I can't stay out walking or something as much as I like without hunting busses

Also.

It needs to be in a good place.

Like. I don't like my home right now, it's nice. The supermarket is close by which is good and there's also a bus station outside

The town is full of hills some kids I knew had to walk a lot to reach their homes

There's like one main bus stop for uni

And like supermarkets? If I'm living up a hill I do hope there's a market nearby 😭

So like idk.

But mom found a house next to lidl

Lidl is far, but. It is a supermarket. There's also bus stations nearby and it's not really on a hill so I can walk

Oh btw my mom talked to the dude and apparently another one of the students who stays there is also from my island(which must be the niece of the husband of my cousin's godmother) the godmother told us about her when I got into uni here so yeah

And my mom also found another house which is like 30€ less than that one I'm not sure where it is but it'll be empty on june

Which like a lot of houses will be empty then

Do I wait for more houses? Go to lidl? What?

[misto713]

well it depends where you live and how your country handles grocery stores.

i buy groceries a few times per week but it might have something to do with the fact that i have:

a small local supermarket two buildings from me

a very nice and high quality bio shop right in the next building (pricey but really really good)

a bakery about 2 min. of leisurely walk from me but it kinda sucks

a bakery that sells excellent, still steaming hot bread about 5 min. of leisurely walk from me

lidl about 10-15 min. of walking, also right next to the main bus station

kaufland 15-20 min. of slow walking, also available by city bus, 50 cents per ride but the walk is actually kinda nice

and finally an online shop with free delivery on orders over 30 euro that sells everything under the sun, including large and heavy family packs.

with availability like this, it would be kinda hard to hate shopping. if i need something quick or small, i have multiple options right next door. if it's something more niche or a bigger order, either buy online or make a short trip to the bigger shops.

and best part is that i don't even need a car - i live in the center of the... town, i guess (too small to be a proper city but we call it city anyway). i can either carry everything myself or order online and have it delivered right to my door.

the only problem is trying to limit myself so i don't waste all my money on food that i won't even manage to eat before it goes bad. first world problems i guess.

Every time i tell people i buy groceries every 14 days they seem shocked by this and tell me they buy groceries every day or several times a week.

That in turn blows my mind, as someone who couldn’t possibly hate buying groceries more than i do, i can’t imagine doing it that often.

Bonus if you tell me in the tags how you feel about shopping for groceries. Do you hate it with a passion like me? Feel indifferent to it, just another chore? Or do you somehow love it?

[kirukkals]

Ireland - "Love the place, Leave no trace"

Have you ever found yourself scrolling through social media, looking at pictures of gorgeous places, and wishing you could be there right now? Our trip happened just like that! April 2024, week long EID holidays here in UAE, and what better place than Ireland during the spring season! Ireland is the 30th country that I have visited to date and, for me, definitely falls in one of the top 5 places to visit if you are a nature lover! It was a pleasant surprise that there was no visa rush for Ireland, unlike Europe, where the wait times were long and the embassy turnaround time was quick.

Now don’t get me wrong, travelling is a privilege and it is definitely not cheap! Fortunately for us, we choose to save to spend on trips every year and give ourselves the experience to savour a new land and a new culture.

The thing that strikes us about Ireland is that the people not just love the outdoors but respect it too. They completely hate people who litter the outdoor. There were not many trash bins to be seen. Everywhere the display is put up in bold, “Love the place, leave no trace”. Yes, they want you to carry your trash with you to your home. The outdoors are so pristine that you wouldn’t want to leave a trace.

April 4th, we landed in Dublin, the capital city of Ireland. We rented out a car at the airport, avoided Dublin city, and headed outside. The next 10 days, the Nissan Duke Hybrid served very well for our long drives in the Irish countryside, 1700 kms, to be precise. That evening, we strolled through the streets of Swords, had a pizza for dinner, and took a basic accommodation in Travelodge, Swords. There is so much awareness of vegetarian and vegan food here that when we ordered our pizza, the guy over the counter asked us if we preferred that our pizza was cut with a fresh wheel cutter. I nodded with a big smile.

April 5th, we did the Swords castle first. Just taking in the landscape, weather, learning to drive on the left and stay on that side of the road. The air was clean, the ground was drenched with fresh rain, and the green was at it greenest. Later, we drove to the Trim castle and sought help with an expert guide who gave us a walk through with some humorous stories about living in a castle. There was one tricky narrow spiral stairs all the way up the castle & down! Had a very good view of the entire county from the top. It was good to visit a 11th century castle in ruin, but maintained well of what is left. We drove to Donegal, which served as a mid-way halt before we headed to the northern most tip of Ireland. Interestingly, we booked ourselves at a B&B above a pub and, surprisingly, a quiet one for a Friday evening.

April 6th, we first stocked up snacks at Lidl store. Having stayed in the UK for a year, we knew Lidl or Tesco stores were the ones to go to stock up for day trips! We did a quick visit to the Donegal castle. It was more like an exhibition hall with wooden stairs & models. Each castle had something different to offer. Some were cozy, some very elaborate, some ornate. But, that’s it, we had done enough castles for the trip. Then we began our exhilarating drive up north on the Wild Atlantic Way. The next few days, our drive was all over the Wild Atlantic Way, and the scenes were breathtaking. Our first stop was at Malin Head, the northern most part of Ireland.

We stayed at Whitestrand Home. The owner, a young 70+ lady, was so friendly and helpful. She gave the map of the county and marked the places to visit nearby. The next two days, we had great homemade breakfast and a lovely chat with her! The accommodation was a triple room with a balcony, which opened to a huge backyard and with an unobstructed view of the North Atlantic Sea. We could hear the strong winds, watch the waves splashing at the far end, and sheep grazing lazily at the farm nearby. Sunset in that setting is such a serene experience. That evening, we visited the beach. And it was so windy up north that the effects of Kathleen storm that had just battered the island hadn't died down yet, and wind speeds were more than 60 kmph! We were surprised to find an Indian takeaway restaurant, Taste of India, in one remote village! And food was definitely better than the standards I expected. We helped ourselves to nice hot food after some wild, windy weather. I wonder why they don't have chai in an Indian restaurant!

One of the main reasons to have come this far up was my hope to catch sight of northern lights. But there was no activity in the next two days, and I still kept an alarm at 12.30 midnight and 2.30 a.m. to check the skies. There were no fancy lights, but it was still worth it to wake up and stare at the sky. What a magical star-studded sky it was ! Clear skies with millions of little stars twinkling and no light pollution from the village. It was definitely worth waking up to this sight.

April 7th, we covered the places in Malin head. Banba's crown - Hells hole walk - Glenevin Waterfall - Lighthouse - World War 2 lookout point. I felt the best part was the Hells Hole walk in the cliff. It was such a windy day, no one around, yet we did the walk. At one moment, a crazy rain storm drenched us. A few minutes later, it had moved north. The sight in front of us was a cloud burst over the ocean and a beautiful rainbow and us basking in bright sunlight. That’s how unpredictable the weather could be, and if you don’t complain, you could be rewarded with some sights to die for.

April 8th, we stopped at Grianan of aileach or the Greenan fort. It is a stone ringfort in the Inishowen area, and this site is protected as a national monument. We met an American tourist who chose this spot to practice her bagpiper instrument due to the natural acoustics the site offered. In fact, the music pulled us toward the centre of the ring, a lovely, serene start to the day. We then did a long drive to Doolin, almost 5 hrs with some breaks. Later in the evening was a solar eclipse. With alternating sunlight and cloud, we could not know if we drove past an eclipse moment. We reached our room, chose to stay put for the evening and take good rest.

April 9th, one of the other best days in the trip. We visited the Cliffs of Moher. The sites from the edge are breathtaking. Not even the best camera in the world could capture the magnitude and magnificence of the place. A place this spectacular brings with itself some usuals, a site filled with tourists. After about 5 days, we finally saw some crowd and obviously some Asian tourists. We walked the pathway along the edge of the cliff, along with many others. If you were a little careless in the walk, the wind is strong enough to push you over the cliff. If you are a Harry Potter fan, the part of the 6th movie where Harry goes with Dumbledore to find a horcrux was shot in these waters!

In the second half of the day, we headed to our Mountain View resort, driving through the Ring of Kerry in Southwest Ireland. The ring of Kerry Drive is considered to be one of the most scenic routes. But having driven all the way up north and then west, to south, the entire country is scenic! Our resort stay is again worth mentioning here because we got an entire 1 BHK house for us in a lush setting. The kitchen was fully equipped, and we could help ourselves to some homemade food mid-way of the tour. We had a relaxing couple of days while we still visited some places.

April 10th, we did some spots in the Ring of Kerry. I say some, coz we chose not to do it all. As mentioned earlier, if you have done up north, the scenery is almost similar. We walked through the Killarney National Park at ease. You can take the horse ride, we found it a bit expensive, so instead decided to walk the park. After all, the trip is all about walks and taking in the fresh air! This is a huge park. We just did 1/4th of it. We then visited the Torc waterfall. Expecting it to be a bit similar to the previous one, we were in for a surprise. This is a lush forest, and the spring season showed all its shades of green so vividly here. The waterfalls were a sight to behold, and we trekked up for about an hour into the dense woods.

April 11th, we did the Farran National Park in the Ring of Kerry. It had a beautiful lake, walking path, we spotted some deer’s and it seemed they were surprised too to see some humans. They went about their day job of grazing, and we walked our path. From here, we headed to Cork about an hour's drive. Cork is a major town, We found it busy than the other places we visited. It also had a very young population, something we hadn’t seen much before up north or the west side.

If one cannot do Belfast, then visit the picturesque town of Cobh (pronounced Cove), most famous for being the last port of call on the maiden voyage of the ill-fated Titanic. A short tour inside, but as captivating as the Titanic always is! Oh yes, Cork is famous for the Blarney Stone. Legend has it that if you kiss the stone, you are blessed with the gift of sweet talk. We didn't want to empty our pockets to kiss a stone hanging upside down from a castle top. I guess there is enough gift of the gab in the family!

April 12th, Cork to Dublin Drive is another long one. We stopped at the Rock of Dunamese, and it had the ruins of a fort, a perfect stop to stretch, hike, and view the beauty of the land from the top. Stopping at Junction 14 on M8 was a good fuel break for the car and the body. It had an elaborate food court and washrooms facilities.

We had exited Dublin immediately after our landing. We decided to keep it for the last days since we were flying out of Dublin. This was our first proper evening in the capital city, and I felt 90% of the population of Ireland lives here. The city centre was bustling with activity. Sunset is only around 8 p.m. in this season, so tourists and residents are out on the streets until late. We did some shopping in Penneys and walked through the streets to eat at the multiple Indian restaurants option available!

April 13th, our last day in this enthralling country. We visited the most popular and oldest, Trinity College of Dublin. The main interest is in the old library with the long room. This is too highly priced, and books removed now, they only had an immersive virtual tour. So we skipped it. The college campus was nothing impressive. Too many tourists, students, and some renovation activity happening, all in the same grounds, not really what we expected. We did a quick visit to the Dublin castle grounds and St.Patrick's cathedral.

Letz get to the best part of Dublin visit during the spring season! Cherry Blossoms ! Yes, this is not just in Japan, but here too, we saw lovely blossoms! Lined up in the streets, in front of many homes, they were on full bloom, all smiling and welcoming the visitors. The botanical gardens right in the centre of the city is a really vast, magnificent place housing different varieties of trees and plants! We walked 3 hours around the gardens and then headed to the airport. One could have a full day's picnic at the botanical gardens if you have a love for plants!

On the way to the airport, it was time to give our Nissan a good wash. We had driven highways, country roads, through slush and grasslands. Not just the outer, the inner of the car too had seen the landscape. After the auto wash, we had the vacuum station. In Dubai, we are spoilt for service. At the car wash, you are served by 3-5 attendants who completely wash, wipe, and vacuum the car. Here, it was self-service. There is no one to even tell you how to turn ON the huge vacuum monster. The Nissan smiled clean and ready to return back to Europcar.

Time to say goodbye. Some trips are about losing yourself in the wilderness, to take a breather to calm the nerves. Then, revitalizing in the greens and the blues, finding your inner self with a deeper understanding of happiness. Ultimately, vacationing is not about where you go but who you go with! I am blessed with two who enjoy and make it memorable for me every time!

[adainesjacket]

so we moved in to our new house late last year and it's my first time having a garden so i want to show you all how my budget kitchen garden is shaping up!! i'm so excited!!

left: strawberry bed i built out of free wooden pallets from a building site, and strawberry plants grown from cuttings by my nana ♥️

pots of marigolds (present from my mother in law)

right, back: trellis i put up today (on sale at lidl) which will eventually house peas and beans that are currently propogating on the windowsill

pots of rosemary and thyme (also on sale at lidl - absolutely loving living next to a lidl guys)

right, front: second raised bed which arrived today! this will have tomatoes, radishes, onions and lettuce (also currently propogating inside)

i have low expectations for actual growth - because we get very little sun and i'm a total beginner, this is very much a "stick stuff in the ground and see what works" year 🌻🌻🌻

[bigfatpapas]

Ichiban’s hot salami juice Ichiban x reader

CHAPEPTER 2

Ichiban went along with the employee to the back of the Lidl, It was a looooong track and even though they didn’t speak for many hours Ichiban still felt comfortable with the nice employee. Maybe it was their nice scent, their perfume smelled lightly of ham which he found very attractive. After taking about 759303846 steps in the back of the Lidl they finally arrived at their destination: The Sallame.

“Okay we’re finally here, can you see the salami up there?” said y/n

“Oh shit fuck that sure is high up!” replied Ichiban, “But I think if you stand on my shoulders you should be able to reach it!”

Ichiban bent down seductively, showing off his nice curves and gargantuan behind, to let y/n get onto his shoulders.

“HHNHNNGGHG OOH OOUHGHH OHH FUCK HOUHHH HIS ASS” y/n thought to themselves “HHHHMOOHHMHHH OOHH IM GONNA TOUCH HIM AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” they thought and did not say out loud while they climbed ichiban like the sexy tree he is. hell yeah.

“okay here we go! Up, up, up! Ichiban said to y/n while stretching his legs.

“Wow you weigh almost nothing! You weigh as much as maybe 142 copies of Ninja Gaiden Sigma on the playstation 3!”

“wow omg sir you are so strong teehee” they said while blushing

“haha thanks I go to the gym sometimes and hot salalimo water makes you very strong” He replied.

Y/n then stood up on Ichiban’s shoulders while getting maybe a little bit or a lot of dirt and hair from their shoes on his dark magenta suit. This was very exciting, standing on such a tall sexy man’s shoulders, it was making their legs a little shaky and their pits a little sweaty, but they were stable enough for now to reach out for the salammer.

“Okay sir, I think I can grab it!” y/n reached out for the pack of 150 grams of cold meat, and…. Got it!

“Yes! I was able to reach it!” y/n enthusiastically called out while looking down at the gorgeous customer below them. The sight of Ichiban’s forehead from this angle made their knees buckle, and y/n fell from his shoulders!

It was like everything went in slow motion. Y/n came crashing down while ichiban reached for them with his strong muscular arms. But they were still a bit slippery from their nervous sweat from standing on his shoulders so they slipped out of his arms and their butt hit the cold tile floor.

“ow oopsie doodle doo” said ichiban, while grabbing the salllaami from their hands. “Glad we got it though haha”

“haha yeah let’s go to the checkout haha ow ouch oof” y/n groaned

(time skip they are now walking all the way back through the lidle for many kilometers)

“Well I hope the sslam is worth all the trouble you went through.” the submissive and breedable employee said to ichiban. “You said you needed it for Hot Sallmmemrneimi Water, right? I’ve never had that before, maybe I should try it sometime.”

Suddenly Ichiban got an idea. “Oh hot damn! then maybe if you want you can have some at my place sometime!!!”

OOOHH HFYUCK  S C O R E. Y/n just got invited to mister sexy’s place of residence!!

“Ojhhh oh well um yeah heheh he yeah well teehee I think I would really like that….. *submissive emojis*” they hornily replied.

“haha sicknasty, are you available on saturday?” Ichiban said.

“No sorry I have a pottery class next saturday” y/n said.

“owh well I have spot free on the 25th?” Ichiban said.

“Nooo I can’t I have to get my cat groomed that day” y/n said.

“haha cool, wish I had a cat. Okay the 27th then?” Ichiban said.

“no sorry I have work then, but I’m available the day after! :)” y/n said.

“haha cool but I’m going to the arcade with my best friend zhao joongi nanba adachi saeko eri that day… :(“ Ichiban said.

“Oh I don’t know who those people are but have fun, then maybe next month on the 32nd?” y/n said.

“haha that date doesn’t exist” Ichiban said.

“oh yeah haha” y/n said.

“How about tonight after you’re done working?” Ichiban said.

“Wow, that seems lovely! 3am?” y/n said.

“No at 5:57.” Ichiban said.

“Okay I’ll see you there! :D” y/n said.

And so, their dinner date was planned. Except Ichiban forgot to give his address.

“Hey wait wait sir where do you live?” y/n yelled to him while he was already half out of the doors.

“Oh yeah haha sorry I am currently housed at Dragonquestslimestreet 69, on the second floor. It’s a building with cum stains, can’t miss it!” He loudly replied back while all the other customers kinda looked at him annoyed.

And so, their dinner date was planned.

END CHAPPETWR 2

[catboy-lover-archive]

Obey Me Romanian MC

idea inspired by @/harunayuuka2060 (too shy to tag them)

Nu ştiu ce inspirație supraomenească m-a lovit dar am început asta la 2 dimineața și am terminat-o la 6.30

Im sleep deprived bc I stayed up all night doing this, enjoy gagicile mele

[added translations]

(under the cut bc this bitch is long af)

Lucifer: Are you not enjoying your meal?

MC: This food isn't even good. Next time I'm bringing my bunica to make you guys sarmale best thing you ever tried 👩‍🍳👌😘 mwah

-

MC: I'm not gonna go out with Satan, Beel, Asmo or Belphie.

Asmo: Awww

Beel: :(

Belphie: What?!

Satan: Why?

MC: Why date a guy who's favorite color is not in romanian flag? 🤔🇷🇴

-

Asmo: But I thought you could-

MC: For the last time IM NOT A VAMPIRE I CAN'T HYPNOTIZE PEOPLE OR MAKE THEM FALL IN LOVE WITH ME

-

Levi: Ohhh!!!! So are you like familiar with Castlevania-

MC: We don't talk about that *cries in disappointed*

-

Solomon: What is this weird potion.

MC: *puts bottle of țuică (plum brandy) on the table*

MC: This is not a potion, but a solution to all of your problems gagica 💖

-

MC: *talking to Lucifer* Oh iubire (love), stop crying over Diavolo again. Why cry over guy who would wear vagabond everyday in my country?

MC: Tsch tsch tsch

Lucifer: What the fuck is Vagabond

MC: Only the worst of streetwear existent. Only f-boys use it

Lucifer: Fair enough

-

Beel: Why do you want to try out for the sports team?

MC: Because Steaua, my country's team, disappointed me 😔

-

MC: Mammon! Asmo! Let me show you guys a thing called ✨manele✨

-

(after the Belphie incident)

MC: Does anybody have a belt.... a belt so I can...no reason...papuci de casă (slippers) works too

-

MC: Hey Belphie! Did you enjoy your punishment? 😜

Belphie: My butt still hurts...

MC: Next time it's the lingură de lemn ♡ (wooden spoon)

-

*MC dancing to Braşoveanca*

Mammon: W-what's that???

Satan: Some sort of ritual I suppose

Asmo: *joining in* It's fun!

MC: Doi✌paşi🦵înainte➡️şi😱doi😩înapoi⬅️ (two steps forward two steps back)

-

MC: Who has summoned me?

Satan: Belphie isn't feeling well and the medicine didn't really do it's job.

MC: Everyone watch closely because I'm going to teach you guys a sacred ritual called ✨Frecție cu Oțet✨

Satan: You're just pouring vinegar on his wrist.

MC: Now here comes the fun part. *maggages his wrists*

Belphie: Someone please kill me this is unbearable

MC: Am I allowed to say Tatăl Nostru (Lord's prayer) or is that too....uhhh weird since yall are demons and stuff-

-

Barbatos: MC...

MC: I'm sorry but crossing myself after I finish a meal is implemented in my brain. It's in the default settings.

Barbatos: What happens if you don't cross yourself?

MC: Lingura de lemn (wooden spoon) *shivers*

-

Diavolo: Do you like my castle?

MC: Baby, Peleş puts you to shame.

MC: Also, too much current (swift). Close the damn windows

-

Lucifer, giving up on life: Oh not again...

MC: DA PĂ CIMPOI DA PĂ CIMPOI JOACĂ FETELE LA NOI 👉👈😳

MC: Real music here 😌

-

MC: There, there gacica (girlfriend). Don't cry. *pats him on the back*

Lucifer: Do you got any more țuică...

MC: That's the spirit!

-

MC: I know I technically didn't die, but can we please have a funeral??? There is this really tasty cake just for this special occasion called colivă. Beel is okay with it so- hey don't ignore me! wait guys this is important- wAIT!

-

Satan: I hate Lucifer because he is my father.

Belphie: I hate Lucifer because he sucks in general.

MC: I hate Lucifer because Favorite color is red which is COMMUNISM COLOUR 😡‼

-

Solomon: See?? MC likes my cooking!

MC: Piftie...Caltaboş...

MC: Solomon, you would make a very good romanian housewife. Say, have you ever considered getting a 701st wife...?

-

Beel: *munching happily on the food MC makes*

Lucifer: *getting a fucking break*

MC: *making grătar(barbeque) cu mici*

MC: Everybody loves 1 Mai!

-

MC: Beelphiiieee!!!! I have a spell for you 😊

Belphie: Please not the lingură de lemn-

MC: *boop on the nose* ✨du-te dracu✨ (go to hell)

-

Lucifer: How did you make everyone behave?

MC: *looking at the papuc de casă in hand*

MC: You either die a hero...or live enough to become the villain...

Lucifer: Interesting, can you teach me?

MC: The secret is to use your wrist-

-

MC, whispering: Psst! Mammon! How's the sarmale trading going?

Mammon: Its okay, but why can't you just give me the recipe?

MC: E din moşi strămoşi (it's from older generations) I can't give it to you

-

MC: Hey pisi, want a ride in my Dacia?

Simeon: ...what? :)

MC: Come on gagica(girlfriend)! We are going to visit my family they will love you!

MC: You can also bring Luke. Just uhhh don't let him drink from the "juicebox" ok? It's not- It's not juice in there

MC: But you can drink. I won't tell anyone.

-

Diavolo: MC you can't leave yet. Not even for a quick visit back home.

MC: Auzi, da du-te-n p- (well why don't you fuck yourself on my dic-)

-

MC: *sigh* Sometimes I wish Satan was wearing Vagabond instead of...whatever that is

Asmo: Ouch, but yeah I guess we are that desperate.

Satan: I'm never tutoring any of you again.

-

MC and Luke, just vibing honestly: ⬇️Intră-n👇apa🌊mării🐚şi🐋nu🐟te🙄teme😱ai����să-nveți🤯să-noți🐠printre🤔sirene🧜‍♀️🧜‍♂️

(go in the sea's water and don't you be afraid you'll learn to swim among mermaids)

-

MC: No Asmo, I have a date to the ball he's right here *points at țuică bottle*

-

Belphie: *misbehaving*

MC: Vai, vai, vai. Sărumâna Belphie 😃 ( well, well, well good day Belphie)

MC: *grabs the papuc (slipper)*

-

MC: NO LUCIFER IT CAN NOT BE AN AN NOU FERICIT (happy new year) IF WE DO NOT DANCE THE HORĂ

-

MC and Luke, vibing yet again: POVEȘTI DIN FOLCLORUL MAGHIAR!!! (maghiar folklore stories!)

-

MC: Where is my țuică? :)

Everyone: *quiet*

MC: I won't get mad :)

MC:

MC: Foaie verse de trifoi~ *papuc reappears* Dați băi țuica înapoi (green leaf of clover, give the țuică back you fucker)

Everybody: *runs*

MC: Mândruțelor (girls), come back until I'll put this to good use

-

Levi: *exists*

MC: *in love with him bc his fav color is in the Romanian flag and not in the commie flag*

MC: Te las să te lingi cu mime în parcare la lidl (I'll let you french kiss me in the Lidl market parking lot)

-

MC: Lucifer you don't understand!

MC: Sandu Ciorbă cured my depression!

-

MC: Muie cretinii pământului (fuck y'all stupid asses) my țuică is back and I'm not sharing anymore

-

Asmo: We're doing hot girl shit tonight

MC: Ne curvim rău (we're hoeing)

-

MC: futu-ți cristelnița mătii (fuck your mother's font) Simeon you're the one that drank all my țuică

MC: I'll let it slide this once, if u take me for shaorma(shawarma) in Piața Victoriei (Victoria's market)

-

Solomon: Whoops, I accidentally messed up the sarmale recipe

MC: Aşadar războiu alesu l-ai (So you have chosen war)

-

Mammon: MC, how do you say "I hate you" in romanian?

MC: Dar eu sunt mândru că sunt twink. (I'm proud to be a twink)

Mammon, clueless: ok thanks

-

MC, to Belphie: I had such a rough day, please fute-mi una (fuck me over) and not the way I like

-

Mammon: What would be a quick way to make money?

MC: Gagica(girlfriend), listen. Culegător de sparanghel (asparagus picker) in Spain is your go-to.

-

Asmo: *blasting manele vechi (old manele).2006*

Asmo: Please love me!

MC: *already in wedding attire*

-

MC: Beel! Here, try this! Yeah yeah its completely fine!

MC: ...what do you mean it looks like Solomon's cooking?

MC: THIS IS PIFTIE AND YOU WILL LEARN TO APPRECIATE IT

-

MC: *dragging them all by the hand to therapy*

MC: Păi aşa-i hora pe la noi măi bade- (This is hora to us well my mans)

-

MC, talking to Lucifer: Măi omu lu dumnezeu îți fut una de nu te vezi (listen God's man I'll fuck you over that you'll not see again) if u lay a finger on my țuică again

MC: I don't care that you have daddy issues, this is MINE now thank you very much.

-

MC: Doamne cu ce ți-am greşit? (God, what have I done to you?)

MC: tanti Lilith, ia-mă cu tine gagicuțo milf ce ești (Miss Lilith, take me with you you milf girlfriend)

MC: Chiar și culesul de căpșuni din Spania era mai ok dacât (even strawberry picking in Spain is better than) Therapist Simulator hell edition

-

Diavolo: *exists*

MC: Vrei să-ți fiu a ta mireasă? (Do you want me to be your wife?)

-

Simeon: *exists*

MC: Vrei să-ți fiu Ileană Cosânzeană? ( Want me to be your fairy wife?)

-

Belphie: Every time I doze off they say this weird phrase...

MC: Dormeo(mattress company) ! Noapte bună! (good night!)

-

MC: What do you mean im not allowed to have a cross around my neck?

MC: My dead grandmother would kill me it's Sfântu Andrei for fucks sake

MC: The law is law we gotta put garlic and salt everywhere around the house

MC: This is what you get from taking my țuică away AGAIN

-

MC: I mean, at least i dont have to take the bacalaureat and face the woman-hating-Ion-Creangă-fucking-twink-looking-nightmare-inducing Eminescu so

MC: *drinks a Mona Spirt (rubbing alcohol) bottle in one go*

MC: that works wonders for me

[therosecrest]

I was at home over the weekend to visit some friends. Funny how things change in two years. Mum's stopped dyeing her hair. She's quite grey, now. Dad's hair is long again, and makes him look like an old lion. He's in poor health. He has been, even since he caught Covid. He tires easily these days. They're looking at his heart.

In town, buildings have been knocked down and replaced, although some are simply empty. At home, you can feel the issue of the cost of living. They've changed supermarkets, as they can no longer afford the likes of Sainsbury's. They shop at LIDL now, and other supermarkets besides. I overheard them comparing prices between different places, even to the matter of single pounds. They've dropped a number of name brands for cheaper, generic brands. Maybe it doesn't sound like much, but you can sense the squeeze.

I couldn't get a rise out of my mother, after all, but she told me she wouldn't vote conservative at the next election. I'm surprised. My sister told me she took issue with their transphobia, among other points, which was almost shocking, as I didn't believe she gave a single shit - if she did, she'd never have voted for them in the first place - and the rising expense of simply heating one's home. It seems they're already rationing heat, although that may not be a significant problem now for a few months. This is how it is right now.

[kae-karo]

so i just finished watching the absolutely incredible mha musical (x) and if ur wondering what to expect (aside from frankly amazing voice acting, excellent cosplays AND acting, fantastic musical adaptations, and a better and more comprehensible plot than bnha):

inko dabs

shiggy calls all might's cell phone

(all might’s ringtone is never gonna give you up)

inko pulls the ‘would you like to stay for dinner/would you like to stay forever’ line while flirting with all might

baku trying to shush the audience for cheering for todo

aizawa’s intro being him telling the kids to shut up bc “this is a classroom...people sleep in here”

baku on the ground screaming instead of doing the dance routine

aizawa and inko fight for narrator rights

a lidl advertisement with all might, a cement? commercial? with cementos, a deodorant commercial with hagakure and mineta, a water commercial featuring all mights ass

baku telling todo that only he is allowed to threaten deku

inko (whilst narrating) patting shouto on the head

kiri and kami arguing over biology homework only for baku to be like ‘we deadass don’t have bio class in this school’

iida walking up, opening a locker, closing it immediately and giving deku a thumbs up before walking away

all might getting ‘stuck’ in the locker, deku shoving him back in and him stepping out around the locker prop

shiggy threatening all might with a letter made of cut-out magazine/newspaper letters

mineta asking deku if he’s gay

uraraka calling deku out on only owning one pair of shoes

after baku wins the tournament he carries a tiny trophy around with him everywhere like EVERYWHERE

aizawa tries to kick deku out of ua to protect him (what should’ve happened in the first place tbh)

todo calls deku out for hiding from the class in order to “cower in shame for his biggest failure” of getting kicked out of ua

todo and deku shake hands and the entire audience reacts as if they started making out

todo then proceeds to have the most hilarious gay panic after a duet with deku and SPRINTS off stage

BAKU HAS BET ON IT STRIPPING SCENE, JUMPS OFF THE FUCKING STAGE AND RUNS THROUGH THE AUDIENCE I’M-

bo----both????

frankly a more realistic and effective plot than anything in bnha, with actually better messaging sfdlsdfjkldsjkl

deku throws a donut at shiggy to stop him from killing all might

the outcome of deku’s detroit smash is just shiggy staring at deku like this for a solid three seconds

some really impressive acting by shiggy’s actor like oh my god give this person a live action role honestly

baku beats up shiggy specifically to tell him that he is the only one allowed to bully deku

shiggy dropping a ‘i would’ve gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling kids’

aizawa high fives deku

SHIGGY?? REDEMPTION???? ARC????? by going. fishing. with aizawa and mic. we love some implied erasermic in this household

bakudeku fist bump receiving the same audience screams as tododeku handshake

jaws theme for dark shadow (somehow unattached to tokoyami sdfljdsfk) sneaking up on shiggy to spook him

this,,,,,,,is nezu,,,,,,,

deku deadass thinking the love note uraraka left him was not for him

BAKU ACCIDENTALLY GRABBING SAID LOVE NOTE FROM URARAKA AND THINKING IT’S FOR HIM OH MY GOD

todo calling deku breathtaking oh my god jlfsdjklsdfkljsdf all i can think abt is how the intro card for the show says that ‘any changes made to the plot were for the purposes of adapting it to a stage environment’ i see u creators i fuckin see u AND I RESPECT U

kiri does the worm. everyone throws money on him. baku does this.

todo has sunglasses.

uraraka crawls on the floor to grab all the money.

and of course the music is basically all hsm-based, which means we get:

baku and deku performing a version of ‘what i’ve been looking for’

uraraka and iida performing bop to the top during the ua entrance exam

all of 1a doing status quo (and bashing their own quirks)

todo having his breakdown during the sports festival fight with deku to a version of scream from hsm3

uraraka performing when there was me and you about deku (complete with backup dancers)

todo and deku singing the what i’ve been looking for reprise sfdlkklfdsjlksdlj some tododeku shippers produced this show for fuckin sure lmaoooo like they deadass put lyrics ‘my heart is trembling when you’re next to me’ sfdkldsfjkljkl

AFTER WHICH BAKU DOES A RENDITION OF BET ON IT ABOUT DEKU OH MY GOD

all might and deku doing a version of start of something new i’m-

OBVIOUSLY the entire class 1a doing we’re all in this together complete with og dance moves ofc

anyway if u want to watch something like bnha but at least ten times better, watch this i cannot stress that enough

[mhzking]

Bees in my fucking head

There is a phrase that has been going around the ADHD community on tiktok 'bees in my fucking head' and I think it is the most accurate phrase I've ever heard. I love my bees, they are part of what makes me, me, but recently, good lord do i want to hire a fumigator. It's real. The bees just hover, they are unable to just sit still, they are always looking for more nectar or more pollen and are just generally moving all the time. If you have ever watched the path a bumblebee takes, it's never in a straight line, they are always going off in random directions, and that's what my thoughts do. People talk about a train of thought, which should make sense, the thought progresses forwards, only going forwards, and only every changing direction slowly. A train can't just do a right angle turn, or even do a U turn, but a bee can. My bees of thought just do whatever the hell they feel like doing, and they are CONSTANTLY changing direction. 

Do you know how distracting it is to be trying to write out an essay that barely interests you, and then suddenly your brain is singing 'Keep it Gay' from the hit musical turned movie, 'The Producers' but its only the line "what a wild idea, but it just might work", except the line is actually "it's a wild idea, but it just might work" so you spend the next 20 minutes googling different variations of 'what a wild idea' and nothing is coming up, because that is just a normal phrase, until you stumble upon a karaoke version where someone has mis-transcribed it, and you can finally work out where the line is from. Its seriously fucking distracting, and by the time you go back to the essay, and look over the last paragraph you've written, and it may as well be in hieroglyphics because you've got absolutely NO idea where the paragraph is going let alone the sentence you were working on, and the title may as well be in French because you know all of those words individually but who the hell would string them together to make that monstrosity of an essay prompt?? 

There are lots of other fun phrases and terms that have been going around, rejection sensitivity dysmorphia. It's a really fun one, where if anyone ever tells you that you are wrong or bad or just generally makes you not feel like the sun shines out of you, your brain blows it WAYYY out of proportion. Recent examples include, my friend Hayden telling me that he didn't want to live with me next year, after he had said he wanted to live with me. Perfectly reasonable, especially since he is also neuro divergent, but when I found out, I cried for the next 3 hours on and off. "Normal" people would probably be a bit upset and move on. I found this out 2 weeks ago, and I haven't been the same since. 

"Burnout", this one is a real fucking doozy. I wish I could explain how I have felt for the past few weeks, but this is the only way I can describe it, through explaining what I have managed to do in the last week. It's currently Thursday, and my days have been exactly the same ever since Saturday. In fact, the first time I left Harry French since Saturday, when I went to Lidl, was Wednesday to pick up my meds. All I have spent my days doing is: my embroidery, watching TV, watching movies, scrolling a million miles on social media (mostly tiktok), eating ramen noodles, and sleeping. I feel completely numb, even TV shows and movies that normally leave me in floods of tears only elicited a few lonely drops. I would love to be able to just curl up in a ball and stare at the walls, but the bees make that a little bit hard.  I have burn out, specifically educational burn out. I haven't attended any lectures, watched them on review, or even skimmed through the material. I wake up at 10 am or later everyday, and stay awake until midnight or later. I can't nap, I can't cry, I can't read, or concentrate, or follow the plot of anything with more than about 5 characters before I end up giving up. I can normally watch a TV show for 6 seasons straight before I give up. I couldn't count the number of TV shows I have started and gotten bored of before the end of the first episode. 

I can't sit still, but I can't do anything. I'm considering reminding my mother that I am transgender and gay, so she will scream at me just so I can feel something. Even self harm doesn't elicit the same experience it used to. Sitting in the bottom of the shower with the heat turned up so high that the steam leaves the bathroom hard to see in, listening to sad music, doesn't even make me feel like the main character in a sad teen movie anymore. I just don't feel anything. All the normal little things that would bring me joy, like getting new stickers, painting my nails fun colours, remembering to brush my teeth and wash my face before bed, or even making sweet treats and eating them just add to the layers of numb. I don't even know who I'm writing this to. I'm just done. 

I'm not writing this as a call for help, or even for a response. I'm just writing to try and understand it myself. 

[realmadridfamily]

Sara Salamo : “It offends me that they call me "woman of ...”. It’s unfair and a liar.”

As a child, she left the family to fulfill her dream of being an actress. For this reason, it seems unfair to her when she is referred to as "woman of ... ". Sara Sálamo is something more, and she also shows it as an author. She lives her motherhood with passion and starts the project with his life partner Isco Alarcón, a Real Madrid footballer who makes his debut as an actor. Many were surprised about your writing, but it works in your family. Yes, my father is a criminal writer, a genre that I love as a reader. In my novel “El ocaso del mono que arañaba la pared”, you will find a funny and sour novel with which you can have a good time. What do you have in common with the protagonist, Pilar Nieto? We have a lot in common when it comes to personality traits. There are many, many personal thoughts in the novel, such as a lie. It's something I can't tolerate. Fortunately, my life is less chaotic and more stable than Pilar's. If not, I would be very stressed. Do you feel, like Pilar, that your partner gave you the best gift? What do you fall in love with? Of course. I don't think there could be a better present for both of us than our little one. For me, to fall in love, someone must be noble, that I could enjoy a conversation and a glass of wine with him, have aspirations and goals and make me proud. And above all, he must have a great sense of humor. You wanted to denounce the idealized image of motherhood. Motherhood is a very intense journey, the most exciting I have ever experienced. But, like everything in life, it has light and dark sides. Your life turns around and you discover, that you are doing everything, you have said, that you will not do otherwise. Of course, even on the worst day, if your child makes you smile, all diseases are cured. You look like a confident woman. Did you also have clarity about your calling as an actress? I suspect that, like everyone, I have comfort and other zones in which I am more lost. And yes, I am lucky to receive family support. As a child, I had a wall in my room where I could draw and paint everything I wanted to vent my imagination. When I decided to become an actress, I had some scruples, but I also had unconditional support. What values did you learn from your parents? I have only good words about them. I would like my children to trust me as I trust them. When it comes to values, I have the phrase "salt of the earth" tattooed with my father as a synonym of what we want to be in society: people who add up, respect, don't throw documents out of the car window and who, if they see someone on the floor, give him a hand. Soon the premiere of the series 'Relatos con-fin-a-dos' where Isco debuts as an actor. It was a very interesting project and I learned a lot from it. For the first time I have to do a job that 40 people usually do. All technical parts were launched from our account. As for my life partner, it was very easy to work with him. You will be pleasantly surprised. Working in our own home and doing it together, we helped him break free. You are very discreet, but you had no problem joking about sex in the program 'La resistencia'. It's a program with its own tone and fun. I think you need to know how to adapt to the places we go to. I was nervous, although I really wanted to have fun and not think about the headlines that will be decontextualized the next day. Respond to unfortunate comments on social media. Are you brave or unconscious? Some have tried to call you ‘woman vase’. I have no idea. I'm surprised that under the photo there are people who speak badly about you. It's like inviting someone home for dinner and spending the evening criticizing the decorations, the cooking method and the children. You would ask them to leave, right? It's frustrating because you leave your family and friends as a teenager girl, you move more than two thousand kilometers to make place for yourself as a professional, and it all comes down to being "something or someone's". It's unfair, lying and harmful. You have been a vegan for years ... Yes, many years ago I stopped eating animals. One of the best decisions of my life. Lidl wanted to propose me to be an ambassador for Skin Foodies because it reflects my lifestyle. The fact of not using animals for our benefit, whether in the form of food or to be handsome, is a current that grows more and more every day. And I am very proud to belong to it. What else do you watch out for? I never go out at night, I don't sunbathe too much, I try to hydrate and not overuse foods that I know are not good for me. There are no tricks except being moderate and careful. What is success to you? I'm lucky. I'm surrounded by wonderful people, health is around me and I work in what I like the most in the world. I wouldn't change anything at all. For me, success is constantly achieving small goals every day.

[joshslater]

Grimsby pt. 5

Similar stories and bonus material (like the photo tumblr blocked) on my Patreon.

Declan greeted us with an “Oi, lads” as he walked past us to the kitchen. He took me completely by surprise. The beer, the weed, the fatigue, the everything had me zone out and only concentrate on what was immediately in front of me. The beer, the weed, the heat and smell of big Jace next to me, and the FIFA game I was slowly losing. I had completely forgotten the possibility of Declan. He returned from the kitchen, Stella in one hand and a Lidl bag in the other.

“O'Rourke down at 2 lit the grill. I bought some bangers for us. You coming Jace?” “Always”

He threw down the controller on the table and got up. I still wasn’t grasping what was going down. Jace looked down at me as I aimlessly was moving my team around while trying to comprehend what was happening.

“You’ll lose. Come.”

I accepted what he told me, pressed pause and got up to join them outside. The afternoon sun made everything too hot and too bright, after smoking weed in front of the TV for hours. Jace and Declan talked about something as we walked down the street to number two. I was too buzzed to try to comprehend. I could see a small group standing at the end of the street, in front of us. They looked young, all dressed similar to us, perhaps with less shirts on, and everyone holding a can or a bottle in one hand.

“I got one left” “What?”

I looked at Declan, followed his eyes towards his hand. He was holding out a nicotine patch towards me. I took it, removed the package and stuck it up inside my T-shirt, somewhere on the chest. Fuck, I’m still wearing the track suite from work, I realized. The one that didn’t smell like weed. Didn’t.

“This is Chayse. Lives in 10. He’s cool” “Cheers mate!”

I took a swig out of the bottle of blue wkd in my hand and nod towards the group. Where the fuck did I get that from? Who drinks that kiddie stuff? Just how fucked up am I, really? If they could tell I was high as a kite, which of course they could, they didn’t appear to give a fuck. Everyone was busy chatting, having a beer and whatever else they were doing. This wasn’t so much a party as it was a bunch of lads having a beers on the street, spilling out into the main road. A white, plastic outdoor chair was placed outside the door of number 2. An extension cord snaked its way from the house and was draped over the arm rest, with nothing plugged in. The BBQ setup turned out to be a couple of single use grills, coal on aluminium trays, probably bought at the nearest petrol station. Declan got a pack of vacuum packed hot dogs from his Lidl bag, tore it open, and dumped the sausages on one grill. One of the unfamiliar guys I’d just greeted turned towards me.

“Aight, did you catch Chelsea Arsenal?” “Of course”

It was one of the games I watched with Declan, and I wasn’t even drunk or debilitatingly high, like now, when I did it. I even remembered some of what the commentators said.

“What you think about the first score?” “It was his first for the season, was it?” “Was it? You might be right, mate. What’d you think about it?” “I can’t even describe it.” “With you, mate. Fucking epic doesn’t cut it”

I shocked myself that I could string together some commentary fragments with empty statements and pass them along as conversation. Not wanting to press my luck I tried to be as agreeable as possible through all the footie talk.

“Oi! Bun!”

Declan threw a hot dog bum at me, which I didn’t catch, but quickly scooped up from the ground. Not trusting my dexterity I put down my blue wkd next to the plastic chair. I stepped over to the grill and grabbed one of Dec’s sausages in the bun. I realized I was starving, as I bit into the hot dog.

“This is fucking great, mate!” “Lidl deluxe onion pork bang. Best there is. Farewell bang, innit” “You’re leaving?” “Want to beat the traffic. It’s been fun.”

I didn’t know what to feel. Most of all I was annoyed he’d drop the news on me like five minutes before he’d drive away. Communication wasn’t his thing though. But it felt like I was going to miss him. Without him I was back to knowing no one here. No, I knew Jace, I immediately realized. It’s like a relay, where I’m handed over, moving further and further away from where I started. Declan didn’t know who I was, but he knew I wasn’t Chayse Brown, at least not this version. Jace only knew what I was now.

Someone from the group took a seat in the white plastic chair, and another one connected a clipper to the extension and started to buzz his head. I couldn’t see a difference, as it was short to start with.

“Hey, Declan. Thanks for everything.” “Safe. Keep your phone charged.”

He walked away towards the car, stella in hand. I stepped back to the chair and grabbed the blue bottle. I took a swig out of it, and almost choked on my big gulp. It wasn’t my blue wkd but something far stronger. I looked at the label and saw a bottle of MD 20/20 blue raspberry. Still fucked up, apparently, because those bottles are nothing alike.

“Hey, are you stealing my shit!” shouted the boy in the chair, jumped up and started to puff his chest. “No, I’m... mistaken” “It fucking looks like you are stealing.” he was staring right at me, just inches away when he suddenly relaxed. “I’m just messing with you. That is yours?” he pointed at the blue wkd still standing next to the chair. “Yeah, I think so.” “Here, take over from Liam” “I don’t know how to... I’ve never used a clipper before.” “Nothing to it. Just move it around until it looks even.”

Liam handed over the clipper to me as the boy got back in the chair. He was right. There was nothing to it. In a few more strokes, though probably much slower than proper, he looked “even”. Not that I would know.

“Here, take a seat and I’ll fresh you up for Friday. Yours looks pretty mint, but I’ll fresh the sides for you.”

I had no idea what he meant, but took a seat to go with the flow. He lathered the sides of my head all around with shaving foam, and then picked up a Gilette razor from a kitchen plate and started to shave my head. It was all bizarre to me.

“You do this a lot?” “What?” “Hairdressing” “Just taking turns freshing up the lads for Friday. It happens.”

Someone new came up to me and stuck a can of Fosters in my hand. “Oi. I’m Connor”

I could feel the headache pulsate with my heartbeat as UK Bounce blared out of the phone’s alarm app. I was in my bed, no, on my bed, again without remembering getting there, and fully dressed. I would take the bus to the dock, I already knew that. Should I snooze or bother with a shower?

As I walked to the bathroom the door to the second bedroom was open, and I was reminded that Declan left yesterday. I wondered if he brought the plastic bag with my old clothes with him, or if he had already binned them. I looked into the room. A couch and a cheap home gym. I’d forgotten that it was even here, since I hadn’t looked into the room since the first day. Fuck, that was only days ago.

My eyes were red and I looked like I was decomposing. By contrast my skull was shiny, like a doorknob with a round little carpet on top. The slits in the eyebrow were more pronounced too. Apparently someone touched them up, though I had no memory of it. What was the name of the guy? Liam?

I took a shower, and some of the magic was back. It felt so good. I was hoping that some 3-in-1 would wash off some grease, and make me less shiny. I didn’t really do much, but then the people at the dock didn’t appear to give much of a fuck. I put on the the clothes I had on me when I entered the bathroom, lit a cigarette, and left the house. I felt like a zombie shuffling to the bus stop in the morning darkness.

I’d finished my cigarette by the time I got there, but still craved more, so I lit another one and inhaled deep. Why didn’t I bring a morning beer? Because that’s not what actual humans do, a little voice in my head whispered. Still, would have been fucking nice right now. Luckily the bus peeked around the corner, so I didn’t have to wait for long. I should probably learn the time table.

There were a few people on the bus, but not many. They were all staring like I wasn’t welcome. I guess I didn’t look my best after what I’ve been through. Saturday couldn’t come fast enough. I decided to sit at the back to avoid the glares of people. It wasn’t until I was just about to stomp out my cig I realized I was smoking on the bus. Fuck. And no one told me not to, not even the driver. In fact, I just realized, I hadn’t even paid fare. Why didn’t he tell me?

One glance at my reflection in the bus window, and I had my answer. I looked like trouble, and he didn’t want any. I felt guilty all the way to the dock, and plonked down two pounds at the driver as I exited the bus. Regardless what Liam, or whatever, said I did not intend to become a thief.

Drudge time.

[artificialqueens]

From Under Liquid Glass (2) (Branjie)- Ortega

a/n: somebody said they wanted another lil chapter to this, so i hope u all enjoy! it’s been quite a while since the first chapter was posted, so if u want to catch up u can read here! I hope u all enjoy it, and as always feel free to send love to AQ or to my blog!!

Trigger Warning: lots of discussion around anxiety throughout the whole fic so just generally would say avoid if that’s something that’s going to potentially affect u

Summary: Brooke Lynn Hytes was always told she’d have it all. She was never told that “all” would include crippling anxiety. Signed off from work at 27, Brooke moves back to her childhood home and has to get her head around her fall from grace.

Vanessa “Vanjie” Mateo has no job, no degree, and -£32.65 to her name, but she prides herself on keeping a level head. That all changes when a certain high school crush moves back into town and back into her life.

***

Brooke sat in a slightly cushioned red chair with a curved back, rendering her almost horizontal in the way it reclined. Opposite her in an identical chair was an older woman of around 40, who wore thick-rimmed purple glasses and had ensured the whole room smelt of incense sticks. So far she was filling every therapist stereotype in the book.

“So the purpose of today’s session, Brooke Lynn,” she said, in a voice so calming it made her sound like she’d been tranquilised and was moments away from passing out. “Is to just let me get to know a bit about you and your situation and what’s brought you here to me.”

Brooke ran a hand through her hair and shrugged. “I’ve been…signed off from work. With stress.“

The woman sat opposite her, simply looking. Not staring. Not replying. Just looking. It soon became clear that she wasn’t going to speak, so Brooke sighed, crossed a leg and opened her mouth again. "And…it fucking sucks? Like I’ve been off for a couple of days now and I’m waiting for the moment where I don’t wake up feeling guilty as all hell and panicked and wanting to go back and work through it, but I know if I go back nothing will have changed and they’ll treat me like I’m all better and I won’t be.”

The woman pushed her glasses up her nose. “You mentioned ‘they’, who’s 'they’, Brooke Lynn?"

Brooke frowned, disliking the use of her name. It felt too personal, too familiar. She had only just met the woman and here she was about to tell her all her life story? There was no way she could do this.

Nevertheless, she puffed a lot of air out of her cheeks and continued. "My management. They don’t care about staff wellbeing. As long as there’s a body in the room, they’re happy.”

The woman nodded slowly, then cast an eye to the forms on the small coffee table beside her that Brooke had filled in just moments ago. “So you’re a secondary school teacher. It must be a very high-pressured job- exam grades to be met, reports to write, challenging behaviour?"

Brooke knew what she was trying to do, to get her to reveal more information without really asking her anything. It grated on her, and part of Brooke wanted to call her out on it irritably but then she’d be filling another therapy stereotype, the guarded, cranky patient who didn’t want to let her walls down, so she didn’t. "Yes. I teach dance, so. There’s lots of pressure to get my kids into dance schools as well. From parents, from management, from the kids.”

“And do you feel that some of that pressure comes from yourself?” the therapist asked. Brooke was taken aback by the question. She furrowed her brows.

“I mean…yeah, I guess? I always tend to put pressure on myself but that’s how I function, it’s how I work best, under pressure. So there’s always got to be a bit of that.”

“And do you feel under pressure just now, being off work?”

Brooke again was unsure. She thought of her answer for a moment before she said it, the room filled with silence. “I guess not? I mean no, maybe, yeah. Pressure to come back, I suppose.”

“Okay. Let’s take right now. Are you feeling under any pressure?"

Brooke blinked. If she thought about it too much, then yeah, sure. But at the moment, in the moment, she felt fine. She felt safe, if guarded. "No.”

“And are you still functioning?”

“…Yes.”

“So you don’t really need to pressure yourself to work hard. Do you?”

Brooke felt her eyebrows raise. Her voice caught in her throat. “I…guess not.”

There was a small pause. The woman nodded back at her. “Maybe something that we can work on is…thinking in the moment.”

Brooke felt an odd sense of clarity. Was this how therapy was supposed to feel? “Okay. Sure.”

The therapist moved on. “So you detailed you were living at home for the time being. What’s your support system like here?”

“Uh, there’s my Mum and my Dad. Both still working, inexplicably, since they both should’ve retired a couple years ago. They’re sweet and supportive but I don’t feel like I can really properly talk to them, you know?”

The therapist nodded and said nothing. This was like pulling teeth.

“Uh, there’s my cat, Henry. Well, he’s not strictly my cat, he’s the family cat.”

“And what about friends?” the woman asked inquisitively, Brooke shrugging easily.

“Yeah, I mean I have-” she cut herself off. Yvie? Plastique? Bianca? Scarlet? Detox? No. None of them she could really call support. Nina? She was sweet, but she was a work friend, plus she was now miles away back in the city. Who did Brooke actually have? The thought sobered her, and she clammed up. The therapist gently spoke again.

“We don’t have to discuss friendships today if that’s a particularly sore subject for you, but it’s good that you at least have family around you at this time.”

“It’s not that it’s a sore subject, I guess I just…” Brooke sighed, feeling a lump in her throat which she quickly swallowed down. “I just didn’t realise how few friends I have any more.”

“It’s natural to lose contact with people as you grow older. Perhaps one thing you could decide to do with your time off is to catch up with old friends while you have the time. It may help you feel more grounded, or lift your mood,” the woman suggested gently. Brooke watched as she glanced to the clock on her desk. “That’s almost it for the time we have. Next session we’ll talk a bit more in detail about what we’ve covered just now, but it was good to meet you today, Brooke Lynn, and to get to know you a bit. Is there anything you’d like to ask me?”

Brooke thought. “Uh, how many of these sessions would you say I had to have before I start feeling…you know. Myself again.”

Her therapist set her mouth in an awkward line. “That’s not for me to say. It’s whenever you feel ready and whatever pace you move at over the course of these sessions. It’s entirely your decision.”

Brooke nodded briefly. That was good. She enjoyed having the control, enjoyed feeling like she could stop at any time.

“What time would suit you for next week’s session?”

Brooke cracked a smile. “Uh, well, I’m pretty easy, what with the whole being signed off work thing.”

The woman opposite her just looked at her expectantly. Tough crowd, therapists. Brooke picked the same day, same time and then left the building, the professional, office-like facade rendering none of the general public able to tell that Brooke has just been to see someone because she was ever so slightly fucking loopy. She felt as if she was part of Men In Black. Or the MIB would have to stand for something else. Mentally Ill Bitch? That should do it.

Checking the time and slowing down outside a coffee shop, she shrugged. It was just past 10 and she hadn’t had any breakfast yet, unless she counted a beta blocker and a cup of tea. She pushed the door and headed inside, the smell of coffee hitting her instantly and reminding her of work, an uneasy feeling creeping up in her chest. The feeling only got worse when she saw who was in the queue one person ahead of her. She heard her before she saw her, Vanessa shouting up an order for a cappuccino loudly over the banging and whirring of the coffee machines. She was dressed in a smart red pinafore dress with a black top underneath, its ¾ length sleeves showing off her tanned arms. Brooke was thrown, looking at the ceiling, the floor, the suspicious-looking cheese and mushroom toasties on display, anything and anywhere apart from the girl’s face. Brooke felt herself hold her breath. Why the fuck was she destined to bump into Vanessa every time she looked like a demon from an M. Night Shyamalan movie? Her hair (clean, but not blow-dried so all her ends were dry and frizzy) was swept up into an unattractive ponytail that made her look like a forgotten Mitchell brother, she didn’t have a scrap of makeup on her face, and all her clothes were the ones from uni she’d neglected to take with her when she moved so she was wearing dark blue jeans, white converse, and a horrific blue sweatshirt patterned with sushi with “THIS IS HOW I ROLL” in huge white letters across the front, which had seemed like a good idea to nineteen-year-old Brooke.

And then Vanessa turned around and hit her with a huge beaming smile, her face lighting up in surprise. Fuck. For a huge town, it did simultaneously seem really quite small.

“Hey! Brooke Lynn! Come up! She’s with me,” Vanessa gestured and said to the barista, an awkward Brooke shuffling past the man in front of her and over to Vanessa. “How are you?”

“I’m alright, thanks- uh, an almond croissant and a flat white, please,” Brooke said to the man across the counter from her, cringing as she felt the judgemental eyes of the man queueing behind her boring into her. Trying to ignore her overwhelming embarrassment at feeling watched, she turned to Vanessa instead. “How are you?”

“I’m fuckin’ peachy, girl. Gone and got myself an interview, haven’t I?” Vanessa smiled proudly, a smile involuntarily springing to Brooke’s face.

“Oh, wow, that’s great! Congratulations!"

"Yeah, well, it’s only Lidl. It’s not amazing. But I’m still excited,” Vanessa shrugged, Brooke clocking the dimples that appeared as the other girl smiled. Had they always been a thing?

“You could say you’re a Lidl bit excited,” Brooke said, completely monotone as Vanessa snorted a laugh and thumped her on the arm. Brooke was distracted by the barista who asked her if she wanted her food to take away. Brooke gave a quick glance at Vanessa, who smiled hesitantly.

“I’ve got mine to sit in. I’ve got twenty minutes or so before I have to head for my train, you can come join me if you want,” she shrugged lightly, Brooke feeling a blush hit her cheeks. Why? Why was she blushing? It was only a girl from high school asking her to hang out.

“Sure. Sitting in then, please,” Brooke smiled tightly at the barista. She held her card out to tap against the reader, but before she could even react, Vanessa had leaned across and got her own card there first. Brooke turned to her with narrowed eyes and the other girl smirked cheekily. “You’re literally unemployed.”

“Oh, what, and a bitch can’t treat a girl to nice things?” Vanessa snapped, her face at once furious, and Brooke felt her own blanche in horror. A tsunami of relief washed over her as Vanessa suddenly laughed, her eyes crinkling up at the edges. “Jesus H Christ, you’re far too easy to wind up. You’re like a lil’ clockwork toy.”

Brooke felt her cheeks grow hot. Blushing again. What the fuck?

They took their drinks to a small seat beside the window, where the glass was wet and misty from condensation and the people passing outside moved like ghosts. Vanessa curled her hands around the huge mug of coffee, neglecting to sip it yet and instead choosing to tilt her head and smile at Brooke gently. “So, you’re up kinda early for a bitch that’s off work. You not livin’ the high life watching Judge Rinder and sleepin’ in til noon an’ shit?”

Brooke gave a laugh. “I was at therapy.”

“Damn, well I really put my foot in it there,” Vanessa gave a slightly choked cough and smiled guiltily at Brooke. “I’m sorry, girl. How was it? You make any amazing breakthroughs?”

“Well it was only the first session. It was mainly just me filling out paperwork and telling her about my life and stuff,” Brooke shrugged, looking down as she ripped her croissant in two. When she looked up, Vanessa was biting back a smile, her eyes sparkling a little.

“Damn. You paid forty pounds for that?”

Brooke raised an unimpressed eyebrow at the girl opposite her, trying and failing to hold back a smile at Vanessa’s mischievous grin. “Forty five actually.”

“Oh, my bad. Sorry. Forty five,” Vanessa smirked, Brooke laughing in spite of herself. “Shit, maybe I should become a terrapin.”

“…therapist,” Brooke corrected her, a little awkward. As Vanessa snorted at herself, her cheeks grew red in a blush that only seemed to make her more endearing. Intrigued, Brooke tilted her head. “Okay, then, Miss Therapist. What would you say to me? What advice would you give?”

“Well, I’d just say that…” Vanessa began, looking a little lost. Snapping her gaze back to Brooke, her face seemed to soften. It set off a warm feeling that spread across Brooke’s heart and out into her chest. “I’d say that things look really shitty now, but it’s always darkest before dawn, y’know, and tomorrow’s another day. Just try not to look at things long-term. I don’t know, I know I hardly know you, really, but you just seem like someone who has this big five-year-plan. You don’t have to, girl. You’re what, twenty-seven?”

“Good to know I look my age,” Brooke quipped dryly. Vanessa kicked her underneath the table.

“Bitch, I know how old you are! I was fourteen when you were eighteen, so you’re twenty-seven now! Am I wrong?”

“Do you call all your clients bitches?” Brooke asked, raising a single eyebrow.

“Only the pretty ones,” Vanessa gave her a look that Brooke couldn’t make out, but she knew it made her cross her legs under the table and squeeze her thighs together. Vanessa raised her coffee to her lips and gave a light shrug. “And the ones that are bitches, of course.”

Brooke snorted a laugh. “Okay, so that’s your advice? One day at a time, it’s always darkest before dawn? Damn, I’ve never visited a therapist that speaks entirely in cliches.”

Vanessa finished drinking and put her mug down. “Ah, but I actually gave you advice! Which is more than yours did today, what’d she do, give you some forms and listen to your life story?”

“Stop trash-talking my therapist, god,” Brooke rolled her eyes, Vanessa laughing playfully opposite her. Her deep brown eyes seemed to light up every time she laughed or smiled, giving them a sparkle that Brooke couldn’t help but be drawn to. “You’re not getting paid for that, by the way.”

“Damn. Shame, really. I could use it if this job interview goes to shit,” Vanessa shrugged, her smile turning the slightest bit sad as she turned to look out the window. “Which it prolly will.”

“Don’t say that! It’ll be fine. Better than fine! You’ll be great,” Brooke insisted, almost falling over herself to reassure Vanessa. God, why was she so nervous all of a sudden? It was probably the anxiety. It definitely wasn’t the smile Vanessa sent her way in return.

“You’re sweet,” she said softly, a slight flush of red hitting her cheeks.

Yep. Definitely the anxiety. Not Vanessa’s outrageously fucking beautiful face.

“Well, I’m telling the truth! You’d be great in retail, I don’t know why people aren’t falling over themselves to employ you.”

“Brooke, when I said I didn’t have any quali…qualificitations…”

“Qualifications.”

“…fuckin’, A-Levels. I meant it. I have nothin’. I’m fuckin’ Whitney Houston over here,” Vanessa gave a small laugh, sighing as she took another sip. Brooke couldn’t help but mirror the sigh.

“If you don’t mind me asking…how come?” Brooke asked tentatively, cushioning the invasive question with a compliment. “You always struck me as someone really bright,”

Vanessa snorted. “Your judgement’s poor, boo. I’m a fuckin’ idiot. How d’you think I was fourteen in Year 7? I had to sit Year 5 twice. You know I straight-up couldn’t write a sentence on my own until I was eight?”

Brooke tried to feign indifference but she knew her expression gave her away. Vanessa laughed. “Exactly, bitch! Then when I got to high school, the teachers were all bitchier an’ meaner. And I was goin’ through puberty as well, which made me bitchier an’ meaner. So bitchy mean teachers plus bitchy mean Vanjie was never gonna be a good combo.”

Brooke let a small silence hang in the air as Vanessa stared out of the steamed-up window and cupped her mug with two hands. “I was screamin’ at teachers in class, swearin’ at ‘em, straight-up threw a book at some bitch’s head once. To be fair, she deserved it, ‘cuz she started sayin’ I would be a total failure in life an’ have no job an’ no prospects. And I mean, I am, but you don’t say that to a fifteen year old kid, right? I don’t know…I regret a lot of the shit I did, but I don’t regret that.”

Brooke said nothing, instead just choosing to listen to all Vanessa wanted to vent to her. “Of course, ‘cuz I started gettin’ mouthy in class I started gettin’ the attention of the other mouthy girls. They didn’t like me…fuck knows why, but they didn’t. I got in a bunch of fights…I mean, some people would prolly say they bullied me, but I gave as good as I got, you know? Anyway, got to sixteen an’ they expelled me. And there was no legal requirement for me to go back to school, so I never did. My Mum, shit, I never saw her so mad before. She told me the moment I turned eighteen I was out on my ass, an’ she held that up. I was all cocky, thinkin’ I could just charm myself into a job. But here I am. Five years later an’ I’m in a council flat livin’ off the most basic fuckin’ government handout and the last of the savings my Mum put aside for me.”

Brooke shook her head. “Fuck, Vanessa, I’m sorry. That’s really rough.”

“Hey, it’s just my life! That’s my lot, girl, an’ I’m stuck with it. But hopefully today’s my lucky day,” Vanessa smiled tightly, then frowned. “Fuck, Brooke, I’m kinda nervous.”

Brooke was hit with an unbearable urge to reach out and take Vanessa’s hand. She didn’t. “That’s natural. Don’t worry. You’ll kill it, they’ll love you!”

Vanessa smiled bashfully again, which made Brooke feel like melting butter. Unable to help herself, she added, “You could definitely charm yourself into a job.”

Brooke pressed her lips together to keep from smiling as Vanessa let out a laugh. “You’re awful, Jesus Christ! Stop distractin’ me, I need to be focused.”

“How am I distracting you!” Brooke exclaimed, affronted. Vanessa gazed at her with a look in her eye that Brooke couldn’t decipher, then shook her head.

“Doesn’t matter,” she laughed softly. Then her gaze snapped to the clock on the wall. “Damn, I need to hurry. That’d be my luck if I missed my fuckin’ train. Shit, sorry for offloading my fuckin’ life story onto you.”

“Don’t worry. I kinda did the same to you in the supermarket, so now we’re even. You have my full permission to launch into deep chat any time you see me,” Brooke smiled, regretting the fact that Vanessa had to leave. As she grabbed her bag, Vanessa’s face turned wistful. Pausing, she pulled out her phone.

“Y’know, we should do this again some time. Before you have to go back to work. I know I’m a shit therapist, but you still don’t need to pay me anythin’ if you wanna talk. I mean, maybe you can get the coffee next time. Since you actually earn a fuckin’ wage.”

Brooke laughed, her heart fluttering as Vanessa held out her phone with a blank contact on the screen. Brooke punched in her number then, pausing for only a second, she wrote her name as “Brooke x”. Her heart held its breath as Vanessa took the phone back, cast a glance over it, and smiled ever so slightly.

“Cool. Well, I’ll text you next time I’m free, and I’ll let you know how I do today. But it was so good to see you, girl. As always,” Vanessa smiled, leaning down and giving Brooke a hug. Her clothes smelt of washing powder and her hair had that freshly-shampooed scent, and the two combined made Brooke not want to let go. Vanessa made that decision for her, pulling away and waving a goodbye as she hurried out of the shop.

As Brooke watched her red-pinafored silhouette make its way to the train station, she found herself sitting her phone on the coffee table screen-up, an unexpected optimism and hope nestling itself in her heart, and her mind filled with the girl who had been dealt shit cards in life but who’d still tapped her card against the reader to pay for Brooke’s drink as if it was nothing.  

[healthyworthyofficial]

Woman, 24, makes £30k A MONTH selling nude pics online after quitting her job

A GLOBAL jet-setter has revealed how she went from being a “skint student” to earning over £30,000 a month virtually overnight, by quitting her degree to sell nude pictures and saucy videos of herself online. Raking in 12 times the average annual UK salary of £30,420 each year, at just 23, singleton Kaya Corbridge owns her house in Lancashire outright, and holidays in far flung destinations such as Bali, Barcelona and Australia.

Kaya Corbridge makes £360,000 per year on OnlyFans selling racy photosCredit: PA Real Life Her luxury lifestyle became possible after she quit her degree course in international relations and global development at Leeds Beckett University in September 2017, after just four weeks, to focus on her OnlyFans account – a subscription service where content creators provide exclusive material to their subscribers, or “fans.” Kaya explained how her content  – which fans pay a fee to view – can range from naked pictures to videos of her feet. She said: “I set-up my OnlyFans account on a bit of whim.  I just thought I’d give it a go – I never thought it would change my life in the way it has. “In my first year I made £255,000 and now I earn about £30,000 every month – I’m in the top one per cent of OnlyFans earners in the world.”

Kaya now owns her house in Lancashire outright after joining the platformCredit: PA Real Life Life before her saucy endeavours was far from luxurious for Kaya – who also provides additional “favours” for fans, which can include rating pictures of men’s intimate parts. Her previous jobs have included being a “cash-in-hand” waitress at 14, working in McDonald’s, Lidl and as a part-time tour operator. But now Kaya, who has a brother and two sisters who she prefers to keep anonymous, says money is no object, adding: “Last year I bought my first house and paid for it outright. “It cost £125,000 and it’s lovely. It’s got two bedrooms, a kitchen, two bathrooms, a balcony and a garden and it’s made me want to buy a second property soon. “But I’m hardly there, as I spend most of my time travelling the world.”

Kaya now holidays in far flung destinations such as Bali, Barcelona and AustraliaCredit: PA Real Life She continued: “I love exploring and seeing new places and I love being my own boss, as I can still work from wherever I am in the world. “Since I started OnlyFans I’ve visited 20 countries, I’ve taken my mum to Paris, Poland and Barcelona, and I spent a few months in Australia. “I travelled in America, saw more of Europe, then went to Bali and now I’m travelling around South East Asia. I’m hoping to have been to 30 countries by the end of the year.” OnlyFans content providers like Kaya have a photo feed, like Instagram users, showing pictures but she also takes private requests.

Her previous jobs have included being a “cash-in-hand” waitress at 14, working in McDonald’s, Lidl and as a part-time tour operatorCredit: PA Real Life

She usually does one post a day  – a mixture of pictures and videos Credit: PA Real Life “For private requests people can pay for nude pictures and videos of me and some more naughty things, too, like strip teases. “There’s a function called Strip for Tip, and during a live video the more money my subscribers send me the more clothes I’ll take off. “I usually post once a day  – a mixture of pictures and videos – but the most time consuming part of the job is making sure I reply to everyone’s messages. I can get hundreds in a day and it can take hours to reply to them all.”

Kaya says money is no object now and she wishes she had joined soonerCredit: PA Real Life Despite her enviable curves,  Kaya says many of her fans – who are mainly men but also gets women and couples interested too –  just want to focus on her feet. She said: “People have a real thing for feet. I’ve made thousands from mine! “Sometimes, they just ask for pictures of them – or they’ll want videos of me rubbing oil on them, or of me just walking along in the sand. It’s easy money.” She added: “Men also pay me to rate their privates. They’ll send me a pic, then I’ll tell them what I think of it in exchange for money. “Plus there’s the girlfriend experience. Men ask me to speak to them as if I’m their girlfriend for one day and pay me for it. I chat through messages or voice notes. Usually, they’ll tell me what type of girlfriend they want me to be. “Honestly, it would blow people’s minds if they heard what some men ask for – but I just let it go over my head.” She has turned down some of her fans’ more lurid requests for items of worn underwear, to shave her hair off and, on one occasion, to put a slice of bread in her shoe, walk around on it all day and send a male admirer her crumbs.

Sometimes Kaya’s fans use their initiative and buy her surprise presentsCredit: PA Real Life She also has fans who want to “gift” items to her, which she says can be very useful. Kaya, who did her own poll to determine the profile of her fans, which she believes are mostly men in their 20s or 30s, said: “For fans who want to give me gifts, I have a ‘Wish List.’ All I do is add items that I want to it, so they can go and buy them for me. “I ask for all sorts, usually just boring every day items. My brother needed a new mattress recently, so I added it to my list and someone bought it. “When I moved into my house, I asked for things like a kettle and microwave, as well as candles and cushions – and got those gifted too. “I’ve also been given a phone, trainers, clothes, vouchers and books.”

Kaya did her own poll to determine the profile of her fans, which she believes are mostly men in their 20s or 30 Credit: PA Real Life Sometimes Kaya’s fans use their initiative and buy her surprise presents. “I get sent outfits that people want me to wear on camera,” she said. “I’ve been sent a policewoman and a nurse outfit before, as well as a tutu, fishnet tights and a corset. “I also had rope sent to me. I was just like, ‘So, what am I meant to do with this?' “The next day a book arrived which was called The Art of Rope Tying, so I’m guessing they wanted me to tie myself up in rope.”

Within the first month of Kaya being on the app, she had made £8,500Credit: PA Real Life Her fans can also help to maintain Kaya’s immaculate appearance. “There’s a function called ‘Adopt a Bill,'” she said. “Using that, people can pay for me to get things like get my nails or toes painted.” She continued: “Or if something crops up – like if I need to go to the dentist – they can pay for that, too. “I have extensions, which can cost a small fortune to maintain, so, sometimes, I ask for contributions for my hair.”

Her fans can also help to maintain Kaya’s immaculate appearance. Credit: PA Real Life Looking back to September 2017 when she first opened her account, Kaya’s life now is unrecognisable. “For those couple of weeks when I was at university I was as poor as hell and could barely afford to eat,” she said. “I was always worried about money, my parents didn’t have a lot, but they scraped together all they could to give me an extra £30 a week. “I remember being in tears because my laptop basically blew up and I couldn’t afford to fix it.” Her life changed in an instant, however, when, browsing Twitter one day, Kaya found someone with an OnlyFans account and decided to follow suit and start her own.

Fans have sent her a phone, trainers, clothes, vouchers and books Credit: PA Real Life

Kaya decided to quit her university course and concentrate on OnlyFansCredit: PA Real Life She said: “I set it up, then forgot about it for a while. “A few days later I uploaded a bikini picture of myself to see what happened. "When I woke up the next day I checked my account and I’d made £250 overnight – I couldn’t believe it!” After that, she continued to post intimate images and videos to the website. “Within the first month I’d made £8,500,” she said. “I knew I was on to something good, so I decided to quit my university course and concentrate on OnlyFans.

When Kaya was at university she was as 'poor as hell' and could barely afford to eat Credit: PA Real Life “To be honest, I only went to university because I wanted to get a charity job doing international aid. “Now I can volunteer for charities while still earning a wage through OnlyFans. “In January I volunteered at a dog rescue centre in Koi Samiu in Thailand for a couple of weeks – I loved it, and I hope to do some more volunteering soon.”

She said she can now volunteer for charities while still earning a wage through OnlyFansCredit: PA Real Life Meanwhile, Kaya’s online work is fully supported by her loved ones. “My family and friends are happy for me and so supportive of what I do,” she said. “I’ve been honest with them the whole time. As soon as I posted my first photo, I told them what I was doing. “And while my family would never expect anything from me, they know I’ll always look after them.” “I’ve taken my mum on countless trips, I bought my brother an electric bike and I bought my mum a new washing machine and a laptop. “My sister had a baby and when she got her own place, I put together a little moving in fund for her, so she could get everything she needed for her new home.”

Kaya’s online work is fully supported by her loved ones Credit: PA Real Life And Kaya certainly has no plans to quit her current role any time soon. “One day I want to have my own little empire,” she said. “Now everything is so much easier, I never worry about money. “Whatever I do next I’ll have to transition into, because right now the money I make is too good to give up. “This job has given me complete freedom to do what I want and, hopefully, I’ll never have to see my family struggle again. “My only regret is that I didn’t start doing this sooner.” Read the full article

[mcrmadness]

It’s again the time of the month when I’m running low on money and just waiting for the days to pass so that I’ll get more money, and being nervous for if I have to borrow money from my brother in order to pay my rent because I always get money just a few days AFTER the rent payment day which sucks, and that is always when I’m running so low on money I barely can even buy myself anything to eat, and of course all the bills have their last paying dates at the end of the month.

But I had to go to grocery shopping anyway and I just realized at the store that how... interesting it may look like to the cashiers when one goes and buys only: milk, butter and cheese. And I already visited Lidl before this supermarket and what I bought from there? More milk (and bread). But at least that was on sale on both shops so I saved bit of money there too. Normally I’d have bought something to cook from my right now I can’t use any more money so have do live from bread and oatmeal for a few days then. (Well, I do have thingd like eggs or tuna here so there’s at least something else to eat so it’s not THAT bad anyway.)

And then once I was done grocery shopping I found 20€ from my pocket because I didn’t remember my mom gave me that yesterday for buying stuff for them and the dog but at least I have bit of paper money left now in case I need to go buy food or something before I get money next week.

I don’t know why this would interest anyone but for some reason I felt like writing it anyway. The main idea was just what I bought from the grocery store and not to talk about money...