#i literally didn't eat for 3 days straight bc i had no appetite

[snootyfoxfashion]

Re Re cheating partner situation. (check my other posts if you don’t know the tea)

Finally confronted her this morning. Smashed her phone. Posted everything on her social media. I moved most of my stuff into a storage unit and am staying with a friend until my other friends flat is ready to move into. My heart is broken and I feel like a walking corpse but I just keep reminding myself that I am not homeless, I’m not broke, and despite friendship losses - I still have my friends who have really rallied behind me and come through for me.

We talked for hours just finally being completely honest about everything from both of us. We left things with both of us wanting to get through this as best we can and agreeing to talk more later once we’ve had some space.

There’s a lot more drama to it that I’ll probs get into in another post but right now I’m just so exhausted of talking about it. I haven’t been able to properly eat in a week bc I’ve felt so sick to my stomach and I’ve barely gotten 3 hours sleep a night. Idk what I did to myself or maybe its from crying so fucking much but my chest and throat hurt so much and I can’t swallow or talk or lay down without pain. Swollen glands?? Tonsilitis?? Idk.

I know these aren’t the posts y’all signed up for but putting this into words in the void has been helpful somehow so I’m gonna keep doing it. Maybe I’ll find the time and passion for this blog again now that I have all my time to myself.

[cuntryhuman]

i just saw a tiktok that reminded me if todays thearpy session and like my step dad rlly does just 'ur faking mental illness we didn't have it back in my day''ur 13 you shouldn't have anxiety' 'Its A tRend' LIKE OFC YALL DIDNT KNOW ABOUT BACK IN UR DAD ROBERT YOU WERE BORN IN LIKE THE 60s IR SOME SHIT WITH YOUR OLD WHITE MANN LOOKIN ASS and he rlly is just 'just stop compring urself to others' THEN COMPARES MY ADHD AND MY OLDER BROTHERS?! HE HAS INTERAL ADHD I HAVE EXTERNAL ADHD then be like 'Its been a year you cant have self esteem issues' ???? wtf 'I dOnT fEel rEmOrSe beCausE i sAw MY doG gET hIt' ok??? i cant grive a dog ig he always makes it abou HIS life experiences like?? IM LIVING THROUGH A PANDEMIC AND HE WANTS TO TAKE AWAY MY ONLY OUTLET TO TALK TO PPL. I bring up the fact my younger bro hits my ass 24/7 and hes hsut 'hElL gRow OutPf It' LIKE NO HE WONT IF YOU DONT EXPLAIN WHATS WRONG WOTH IT HE WONDERS WHY I SAY IM GOING TO CUT THAT SIDE OF MY FAMILY OUT WHEN I GROW UP? I SAY 'im uncomfortable with this movie that practically smut' yOur oVerReaCtiNg i relize i have alot of oent anger towards my dad who is lowkey abusive. not to mention he talk about me being trans (to his knowledge) like its just a phase he yells at me to take my meds. THOSE FUCK WITH MY DEPRESSION AND MY APPETITE. IF I TAKE THEM I WILL FALL BACK INTO AN EATING DISORDER. he says its for my seizures. i take cbd for those. he just wants me to take it so my adhd doesn't affect HIM he wonders why i don't like talking to him about my mental health? hes said being suicidal is 'selfish' and dumpong ur problems on someone else like the only reason ppl commit suicide is because they feel that death is better then pain and suffering he doesn't understand me. ive tried explaining the fact that he is the reason that i feel im so fucked up in the head. he brushes it off. he says he has adhd. that it affects him to but his room wasn't dirty. he grew up in an era where child abuse was legal hes undermined my legit truama related to seeing my dogs die with the excuse 'i can't feel remorse because I've had so many dogs die when I was your age' LIKE NO. IVE ONLY HAD 3 PASS. I GET ATTACHED TO THEM. AND HE HAS THE FUCKING AUDACITY TO SAY GET OVER IT?! IT WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A PANDEMIC. I COULDNT VISIT MY GRANDPARENTS WHO ARE BATTLING CANCER. I SAW SOMEONE SWERVE TO HIT MY DOG AND HE TREATS IT LIKE IT WAS AN ORDINARY THURSDAY iv literally sobbed for hours on end because of things he said 'I doNt wAnt tHis pIty pArTy' YOU HAVE A DEEP VOICE AND ARE SCREAMING AT ME A FOOT AWAY FROM MY FACE ABOUT MY DIRTY ROOM YET NOOoo MY YOUNGER BROTHER GETS A FREE PASS BC HES EPILEPTIC AND YOU DENY MY MENTAL ILLNESS WHICH AFFECTS THIS. 'yoUr rOOm bEinG clEaN wILl mAkE iT beTter' NO IT WONT. ILL STILL WANT TO KMS D A D BECAUSE OF **YOU** UNDERMINING MY TRUAMA mf rlly yells at me for 3-6 hours then says 'now give me a hug' and then yells when i dont want a hug? like that makes me want to distance myself from you. i use my phone to escape your yelling and you rlky are just 'YOuR On iT tOo mUCh' like????????????? he says i do thing for attention and popularity i dont want that though i hate being watched. and like i wouldn't look for small bits off attention if you payed attention to mr as a child and didn't vent to me about seeing someone DIE i was like 7. like,,, i see where i get my love for gore. in all honesty its prolly just the tip of the iceberg there have been times where mom had to call the police on dad bc he was yelling that much Like this one time back in El Paso mom's friend had a straight up come pick me up along with my younger brother because Dad refused to leave he was screaming and actually screaming I mean screaming wait to the point where I of all people was literally cowering behind the couch hmm yes. that prolonged truama is prolly some of the shit that caused the system to form. it was like when i was 10 i was in an rp that was so gorey that the mods on amino had to stop it on a GORE amino and i was literally just🧍🏼 well that was fun not scared at all

literally ly someone graphically decribed cannibalism and i was 'haha mood' i'm pretty sure my dad contributed to like half my tiggers def the yelling he says he wishes i did mot realistic art like no bitch my art my laws of Physics yeah like take those old medieval drawings these mfs like he says its amazing then hes jsut 'do realistic' at these yeah humor is my coping mechanism and holy fuck is fitting bc that treats my truama like a fucking joke mom understands it fairly well its just dad if i cam out as a sys to em he'd prolly send me back to the mental hospital yeah he doesnt understand like i got my hereditary anxiety from my moms sind and hes just i di not see