#i like the tags more cuz its more like im thinkin but out loud ya know
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Incoming rant in the tags about me moving tomorrow lol, I just didn’t wanna be filling yalls dashes with huge paragraphs
#i would make a regular post but idk i be ranting all the time having paragraphs on here for no reason#i like the tags more cuz its more like im thinkin but out loud ya know#but basically my mom and i are moving into a new house away from my step dad cuz of all this drama that boils down to him not wanting my#not wanting my brothers around and obviously my mom still wants to see them#so simple solution after they talked for like ever is my mom and i move to a new house where she can see my brothers n shit#which is good for her#but there is a catch - i literally want to kill myself when i am around my brothers#like straight up they make me so dysphoric to the point of me instantly becoming hella suicidal all over again#because like they are cis and im not and they got everything that i feel like ill never get and im not allowed to be out to them so thats#so thats a whole thing and its all a big mess of jealousy anf bitterness and dysphoria and anger and depression#which i am not really as equipped to handle anymore because ive been doing alright ish and coping but when i see them it really tears down m#my defenses; i cant hear their voices which are all deep without wanting to never talk again and kms#yes i sound like a hella dramatic lil sensitive kid#but i just cant deal with that#like it guts me to be around them; even if theyre being okay and not talking to me; like it just brings me a lot of anguish thats just hard#and they are also homophobic assholes that say racist shit and are misogynists#and thats hella not fun to be around when im trans#and to add on top of my woos; we are moving into the neighborhood i grew up in but in a new house#my dad still lives in that neighborhood#i worry that he will try to talk to me or that he will always be trying to come over or that when he gets mad at my brothers for staying at#my moms new house he might try to do some crazy shit like before and i worry that he will try to ‘establish a relationship’ with me or some#other dumb shit that i dont want#and that is really bugging me because i hate my dad and i just think hes a really bad person and i dont want to have to potentially deal#with his shit again#and idk i just associate that neighborhood with lots of pain and middle school depression that i dont have the facilities to deal with and#it idk feels like im moving back into a hostile environment#yes i wont be living with my dad and i am thankful for that but i just idk#to have my brothers at this new house to live with us; even on and off or whatever; bothers me a lot#to be back there bothers me alot#m talks
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