#i like 5 but the textures in 7 have bewitched me
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recapitulation ¡ 3 months ago
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mahler 7 has entered my top 3 mahler symphonies uwu
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ktheist ¡ 5 years ago
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nice guys finish last | m
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synopsis. you thought you were over yoongi’s dick move of ending your engagement through his parents - not even a text when he disappeared out of your life. that’s why you agreed to the newly arranged marriage with his brother, namjoon, but on the brink of your wedding day, it becomes apparent that you haven’t really let go of the past as you tear up in front of your soon-to-be husband at the back room of the church.
◟alternatively, “we entered into this marriage for a mutual reason. not dreading to come home is more than i can ask for. so it’s okay if you want to see yoongi just... keep out of the spotlight like many in our shoes who found love outside of it have.”
pairings. husband!ceo!namjoon x doctor!reader x ex-fiance!producer!yoongi
genre. arraged marriage au. angst. fluff. smut.
word. 16.2k
content: age gap factor (namjoon is 5 years older than oc and yoongi is 7 years older than oc). pining. teasing. hoseok cockblocking.
warning(s): heavy adult content. mentions of cheating. hospital scenes.
verse. knj. ksj. myg. kth. pjm. jjk. jhs. story time.
x
“i don’t want to marry you at all. the person i love is someone else.” there are tears brimming in your eyes but if there’s anything the years of etiquette class namjoon’s parents forced on him taught him - he’d say he turned out okay - it’s to not mention to the crying lady that she’s crying. but he can’t help stare a little longer. admire a little too much.
the rays flooding through the window paired with the prettiest ivory dress he’s seen you in gives you an iridescent halo. you look like an angel descended from the top most heavens.
but not for him.
“i know,” he lets out a drawn out sigh, hand on his neck. he’s always been the awkward one between the two. if it was him - if it was his brother, he would say it without any ounce of self-reproach. but then again what does namjoon have to be sorry for? for being born? for being the second choice son to step into his brother’s shoes when the aforementioned man threatened to disown the family name if their parents refused to let him marry a girl of his choice who, according to the workers��� gossip, ‘he suddenly woke up one day and decided he was in love with’? 
“it’s yoongi, isn’t it? you love yoongi.”
your eyes are prettier when you’re looking directly at him. the tears give them a kind of glow that makes him want to gather you into his arms and keep you there. the flushed cheeks affirms - despite saying it with full confidence, it was just - his hunch.
oh.
the ceremony proceeds rather smoothly. you’re still sniffling when your father passes your hand to him at the end of the aisle. the older man himself looks distraught. either he knows you’re against this marriage and hates himself for failing to put his daughter’s happiness before the guaranteed wealth that comes from marrying you off to the kim family or you’d gotten into a fight with him in a last ditch attempt to convince him to call off the marriage.
either way, you’re here now. the pastor’s words are muddled in your ears but it’s enough to take note of the end tone and the steely silence that ensues which could only mean it’s your turn to say those words.
“i do.” they’re the easiest to get over with.
after endless fights with your parents, going on two hunger strikes and running away to paris for a year - you know you’re in the endgame. and you’ve painstakingly and sorely lost.
he lifts the veil off your face, taking his time with setting it over your head. it’s no secret that kim namjoon is handsome. the kind of thick, textured-fabric-suit-wearing and sleek-back hair kind of handsome. yoongi was more of the hoodie-and-jeans and messy-in-need-of-a-trim hair kind of handsome. but he isn’t yoongi.
you screw your eyes shut, refusing to let the memories of your own wedding vows embed in your head. those beautiful pink full lips are as soft as they look. but they’re not kissing you on your pressed-into-a-straight-line lips. betrayed by your curiosity, your eyes flutter open only to gaze upon the smooth cream skin that wraps around his neck and just the gentle protrusion of his adam’s apple as he pulls way.
your newly-wed husband has just kissed you on the forehead.
x
adjusting to married life is as easy as slipping on your favorite shoes. it’s perfect. almost unsettling even. the beach house off the coast of the private island namjoon’s family owns is breathtaking. the sound of waves crashing against the shores is your constant companion as you work on your research. it’s a project you had to put aside when you graduated. the first year at the hospital is the busiest, or so your senior colleagues say. 
namjoon strides into the kitchen sometime past noon, all fresh and showered with a fitting long sleeved shirt and trousers. it’s the most dressed down you’ve ever seen and yet for some people you know, it’s the fanciest they can get. sometimes you wonder if the standards have hit the ground or if namjoon’s so well-adapted into the routine of dressing up presentable enough to go to his office on an off day in case something calls for it.
“good morning.” you greet first, traces of the embarrassing tear-jerking wedding ceremony still lingers in the back of your mind - you’d tried to explain yourself on the way here in the boat but namjoon had easily blew your worries away with a light chuckle and a “i’d do the same too if i loved someone and had to marry another person.”
it’s not unusual for you to already be perched on the elegant gold sofa adjacent to the sliding doors that has the best view of the sea. the master bedroom is the other part of the beach house with spectacular view - you’d been entranced when you stepped into the room on your first day. but namjoon suggested you stay in the guest room, knowing there’s no way you would share a bed with him -
“or you can take this room and i take the guest room,” he added a moment later, probably because he saw you staring out the balcony, bewitched by the sea. that had broke you from your trance and you’d shook your head so much in protest, you were surprised it didn’t fall right off your neck. “n-no! i mean - i’ll take the guestroom.”
his parents had been nice enough to lend their private beach house for you honeymoon. you weren’t going to step over their son and conquer the master bedroom - even if technically, you���re now part of the family.
“morning.” he fixes you with that half-smile. the kind of smile you give to someone you’re in an complacent relationship with but nothing more.
at least you’ve got that going for you. and that’s a rarity coming from the gossips you’ve heard here and there about marriages found on the ground of convenience.
his eyes swipe over the ipad in your shorts-donned lap from his spot, leaned against the counter in the kitchen, pitch black mug of coffee with wafts of smoke coming out of it, “how’s your research going?”
“well,” you set the ipad down on the glass surface of the coffee table, it’s bare of anything besides your phone that’s been lighting up from the notifications. one from your mother, another from the group of friends you found in college, and the rest is from your strictly-women group from the hospital, “the world wide web is resourceful and all but it can’t beat the information in actual books - papers, you know?”
“ah, the traditional way of researching.” he chuckles, dimples digging into his cheek, enhancing his handsome features. you never knew he had dimples. not that you knew much about him - you’d only properly talked on the day of your wedding, in the back room and the first thing you said was -
you suppress the memories further down your thoughts. it works for the most part, but you can’t help the flush that spreads across your face. so the laugh you let out is a little strained and if he notices, he doesn’t show - like he pretends not to notice a plenty many things.
but alas, he knew your secret crush - was it still just a crush you had for yoongi? you’re not sure.
“what can i say? i’m raised traditional.”
x
that was two weeks ago. now, you’re back to working your ass off at the hospital, being grilled to the bones by your supervisor, getting reprimanded over being one minute late and then being told to run to the cafe five minutes from the hospital to buy your supervisors their favorite strawberry smoothie topped with sprinkles.
“kim seokjin, that dickwad.” jennie huffs, her cat-like eyes making it appear as though she’s plotting the man’s death. “he’s working you to the bones as soon as you get back.”
“he probably thinks i’m not that serious about my residency since my family has enough fortune to sustain me for my whole lifetime,” you can only laugh at that, her anger has sucked all the tiredness and annoyance you have for your supervisor right out of you. it feels refreshing, “all the more reason to prove him wrong.”
“enough about that asshole,” jisoo waves a dismissive hand off and you know what’s coming is far more terrifying: she blinks, eyes filled with stars and cherry red lips curling into the kind of smile that can only mean one thing, “how was it? the second son of kimcorp. were there rose petals on bed? candles lit around the house? a romantic, sizzling-”
“sorry, jisoo, i gotta go get ready for the dinner. i’ll buy you lunch tomorrow, okay?” you clasp your hands together apologetically when your phone buzzes with the reminder you set a week prior: 8am annual kimcorp dinner.
you breathe a sigh of relief as you shake off your white coat, draping it over your recliner before escaping to the washroom with a bag of makeup and the dust-proof cover bag of the outfit you’re wearing for tonight. by the time you’re touching up on your nude lipstick, your phone buzzes again but this time, the screen lights up with namjoon’s name on it.
“hey,” his voice is deeper through the phone - it’s the first time he calls you. there was never any reason for you to call each other but you suppose, he’s calling to make sure you’re not forgetting the dinner -
“i’m in front of the hospital.”
or maybe not.
“wh-what do you mean?” your cheeks heat up from the thought of namjoon waiting for you in his audi. the image, too domestic for your liking.
“well, you can’t drive so i thought i’d pick you up.” he says it like its the simplest equation to understand.
“namjoon,” the name feels foreign on your tongue regardless of how many times you taste it when you need to tell him something - to set the line straight, “i didn’t know you were gonna pick me up so i already told kyungsoo to pick me up. he’s probably already here. sorry i didn’t tell you sooner.”
“i know,” he says simply.
“e-excuse me?” while you’re beyond confused.
“i told your parents i’d pick you up so kyungsoo’s driving them to the dinner.”
“oh.”
wait. what?! 
x
namjoon is confident in his driving skills - as he is with everything he does. he’s almost perfect. the line of his shoulders seem at ease as he stirs the wheel with one hand and the other rests on the gear, inches away from your scarlet clad thighs.
“why isn’t hoseok driving you?” the aforementioned man sticks to him like glue. everywhere namjoon goes, he goes. it’s a given since he’s the head secretary but anyone who’s seen them interact could tell there’s more than boss-employee relationship between them. they seem like close friends which is unlikely be given namjoon’s too-serious nature and hoseok’s joke-cracking every five minutes - but not impossible.
his face remains the same as he keeps his eyes on the road, humming briefly, “he had a thing.”
“can secretaries have a thing and leave their boss to drive for himself like that?” that doesn’t sound right. you may not be actively involved in fecam industries’ affairs but mr. jung, your dad’s secretary, spends more time with your dad than the two men do with their wives - that’s how demanding the business world is. but could hoseok get a free pass because of his and namjoon’s friendship?
namjoon chuckles, dimples and all and you can’t help but blush at the side profile. if anything, he has a sharp jawline and beautiful neck-
you push the thought as soon as it comes. neck? who finds necks beautiful?
“he had a date but it’s not until a couple hours,” the tone he uses is light and playful but underlined with a sort of bashfulness that you don’t know kim namjoon was capable of, “i told him to go home because i wanted to pick you up myself.”
your cheeks heat up all over again as you stare at him a little too long. so much so, the hand that’s been comfortably perched on the gear goes to the back of his neck in an unsure manner.
“i just needed to talk to you about something.” he explains, just as awkward as he was in the back room at the church.
“okay.” eyes turned to the road too, you can see namjoon breathing a sigh of relief from your periphery. that couldn’t have been because of you could it? was he nervous because you were watching him? “what did you want to talk about?”
he clears his throat, that natural ease in his tone returning, “if it gets uncomfortable - if anyone asks, we met because you were yoongi’s fiancee and we couldn’t help but fall in love. but you wanted to intern at a hospital in paris so that’s why we’ve only gotten married now.”
you take awhile to digest the information until something in your stomach doesn’t sit right with you, “you want me to... lie?”
his bottom lip gets trapped between his teeth just for the briefest moment as he thinks about it. he probably didn’t expect you to disagree but he admits his mistake faster than half the people you know your whole life would, “i’m sorry, i didn’t think it would weight on your conscience. i was thought it’d be hard on you if some ass- someone’s going to start a rumor about you but i didn’t ask how you’d feel about it.”
“i see.” you simply nod. it’s true that you’re the pass-up fiancee who got between two people who fell in love in college but the other is the son of a renown family and engaged while the other is an arts major from a normal working family. unable to let bygones be bygones, you decide to marry the younger brother to your fiance - or so the story goes. “but they already know i was yoongi’s fiancee and i ended up marrying you. i don’t need - no, i don’t want to explain myself to anyone.”
despite that big talk, your can feel the prickle of tears in your eyes. namjoon steals a glance at you and he never mentions the glassiness of your gaze - if anything, he smiles. it’s different than the usual smiles. this one, though wordless, says he’s following your flow. do what you like and if and when things get though, you can count on me.
x
dinner has yet started when you arrived. guests are still arriving and waiters and waitresses are carrying trays of champagne glasses around. in a distance, your friends wave at you to come over. you smile, hand falling away from namjoon’s since you needed to at least do that in front of the paparazzo that were waiting outside. eager, hungry for gossip about the wedding that shook south korea’s business world.
“girl, you are glowing.”  yerin literally screams. it’s a secret to no one that she’s hinting on your recent marriage and private island getaway. but nothing happened.
“how are you girls? it’s been so long.” you side hug eunha, letting her arms wrap around your waist as you stand huddled together.
you haven’t seen them since you got back from paris. the wedding was attended by thousands of people - all of whom, your and namjoon’s family’s associates. but you had your hands full shaking hands and smiling next to your husband because these people matter to namjoon. or at least he has an interest over them. business deals. merges. trades. kimcorps carries out every kinds of business they can get their hands on. namjoon passingly mentioned about the work-in-progress for a private hospital.
you dread the likelihood of having to leave the hospital you’re working in right now for family-run one but you know it’s quite impossible to not get involved when you, yourself is a doctor.
“we weren’t the ones who went under the radar and came back and got married to the second son of kimcorp.” yuju huffs sulkily, cheeks pinked from the champagne she’s had but she isn’t that far gone when she clamps her mouth shut a second later, eyebrows furrowing in guilt.
sowon nudges her side anyway, mouthing her something as your gaze falls on the light caught in your black gucci heels.
“i-i’m sorry, ___ that didn’t come out right.” comes a heartbeat later, she sounds just as sorry as her words as you offer her a small smile. 
“it’s okay, it’s the truth anyway.”
“stop that,” eunha suddenly gripes, her gaze boring into you and rips apart the barrier you’ve tried so hard to maintain, “we’ve been friends since elementary school, we know how whipped you are for that asshole so-” she sniffles while you’re left wondering if it’s her who had an ex-fiance break if off and had his parents relay the news on a bi-weekly dinner. 
“she’s trying to say you can cry or get mad or curse that dipshit around us. don’t hold back.” sowon finishes, lips twitching as she enjoys watching the vulnerable state of the otherwise fiercest one among you.
something in your chest feels light. like a weight being lifted off your shoulders as you study the girl’s face one by one. sowon’s and yerin’s smirk, yuju’s nodding and eunha’s teary eyes. 
“yoongi, he’s-” you take a deep breath and it feels almost dramatic as the second stretches on while you build up the hurt, the anxiousness, the disbelief that the man put you through, “-a fucking idiot.”
“you bet he is,” yerin’s basically screams, swiping a glass for you and holding hers up, “that fucking idiot.”
you tighten your side hug on eunha in an ‘i’m okay’ gesture as you clink your glasses together.
it’s a few moments later that murmurs start to spread around. the tension that comes with the latest arrived guest thick enough to command every attention in the room.
“she’s ballsy. coming here.” sowon offhandedly comments, eyes trained on the girl who has her hand on yoongi’s arm like an iron clamp. “right into the lion’s den.”
she may not have her parents’ money to groom her into the women you and the girls are. but maybe that’s why she has her own air. her poised steps, coupled with a cocktail creme laced dress and relaxed smile easily gives her an innocent cloak. someone friendly and good-tempered and can adjust well to her suddenly-plunged-into-money circumstance when she married yoongi. that must have been why you never heard any bad rumors about her even though there’s almost always at least one gossip enthusiast in these socials.
“ugh, i hate her!” yuju hisses, eyes more focused as she places her glass onto one of the waiter’s trays.
“i-i think i’m going to get myself some snacks.” with that, you slip past the guests until you’re at the end of the room, standing in front of the everything-you-can-eat table lined up with pastries only from the best bakes.
that moment, when you looked from her to yoongi, your eyes met. his hair is a little longer than you remember it, flowing in light blue tresses until just a few centimeters above his eyebrows. the first two buttons of his shirt is undone. her doesn’t wear a necktie - he despises how suffocating they feel. but he’s managed to keep on his blazer - he used to say they were hot and took them off and left them in the back seat of the car when you arrived at an event. he used to attend these events with you. just the two of you. for four years. you thought you’d keep doing so for longer after you got married.
“you know, they’re not plastic and made for display.” a voice breaks you from your train of thoughts.
“p-pardon?” you blink once. confused.
“the pastries,” namjoon lulls his head to the side where towers of tarts, macaroons, pavlova and sliced cakes stand tall and proud, “they’re edible.”
it takes a moment for you to register that he was joking - kim namjoon? cracking jokes?
his smile tilts higher when you chuckle. it’s brief but the look of relief oh his face lingers. he must have seen you escape from your group of friends. and this is his own way of checking up on you.
“thank you, namjoon.” you murmur low enough for only you and him to hear, lips tugging in the corners. “but i’m fine - i just - seeing him for the first time like this - it’s just unexpected. even though this is an annual dinner held by his family and he has every right to be here.”
“that’s her? the ex-fiancee?” a guest asks in a hushed tone somewhere a few feet away. but she’s not very discreet as she thinks she is.
“yeah, she couldn’t get the older brother so she went for the younger one.”
apparently, her company needs to attend classes on how-to-whisper-101 too.
“how mortifying. and the brother just goes with it?”
“he must have felt compelled to save her face. you know how nice and well-mannered he is-”
the low noise namjoon makes under his breath catches your attention. the muscles on his face is strained and twisted. it barely shows. just a crease between his eyebrows and the lack of smile. he hardly ever smiles from the tabloids and interviews you’ve seen of him so people might not notice the displeasure. but after a whole month of knowing namjoon, if there’s anything you can say for certain about the man, it’s the stockpile of smiles he has to offer.
“namjoon, it’s okay. i don’t care.” you smile, it’s forced and you know he notices it right off the bat but sighs anyway, shoulder line falling just slightly as he runs a hand over his sleek styled hair.
his lips move and you hear the words he uttered but somehow your mind couldn’t comprehend the information without going blank. “s-sorry?”
“it agitates me that they’re freely spewing bullshit like this,” he huffs, cheeks tinted pink at having to repeat his words. “it’s taking everything in me not to go over there and tell them their husbands have at least one business deal with kimcorp. and i can end it and it’d plunge their family into bankruptcy.”
“wh-why would you do such a thing?” the question comes out almost dumbly but if it did, he doesn’t say. he just... keeps looking at you.
you’re barely able hold yourself from squirming under his scrutiny, the smile now awkward in all places.
“if you don’t mind, can i kiss you?” his eyes widen just the slightest bit as he corrects himself, “on the forehead i mean.”
he clears his throat, eyes straying away from you as if he couldn’t bear to look at your face after that mistake. “just so i can prove to them i wasn’t forced to marry you.”
the light pinkish blush spreads to the tip of his ears and neck as he shifts his weight from one foot to another. you’re not sure why, but the sight in front of you is endearing and you find yourself saying-
“okay, kiss me.”
you didn’t specify where. and maybe, as the heat flares across your own cheeks when his arm band around your waist and a warm hand presses up against you cheekbone - maybe you want him to kiss you somewhere else.
the chatter stops and so does time. but it’s only for as long as namjoon’s full lips are on your forehead, kissing you for the second time. then, time resumes and murmurs begin to spread louder than when yoongi made his arrival. when the gravelly voice speaks from somewhere behind namjoon, you know why.
“get a room, will you?” yoongi’s tone is light - you’d taken a whole year getting used to it to know he’s being playful and not condescending.
“yoongi.” namjoon greets, unlike the elder man, his sounds better natured but there’s a sort of underlying detachment. his arm is still on your lower back almost as if he needs to feel that you’re here or he’d be completely detached. “i didn’t think you’d show up. you hate these events.”
the aforementioned man draws out a long sigh as though he’s been found out over a poorly told lie. “i don’t but naeun wanted to go - you know how things are with mom and dad. she thinks it’s gonna make them open up.”
it’s no secret your father and mother-in-law doesn’t talk about yoongi’s marriage - they never do around you but you thought they were being considerate. but what yoongi’s saying right now could mean his relationship with his parents are far more strained than you thought it’d be. especially since they had let him marry the girl of his dreams who’s clearly below their standards.
she - naeun - is standing somewhere near the exit, conversing with the notorious older generation that yerin duped ‘the wickeds’. for their ways of gaining wealth, for their poor treatment towards their employees, for socially shunning a young man - new money, for addressing one of them casually. she is ballsy.
“it’s been awhile,” yoongi’s directly addressing you now. the tug on his lips as playful as an old friend’s greeting. you don’t know how he can look at you like nothing happened. “you’re finally a resident now, huh?”
“yeah, finally.” you smile, the kind of smile that celebrates her triumph. the celebration part is true but the smile is every bit unnatural. but it seems to fool yoongi as he nods, proud.
somewhere in your chest, the strings on your heart clenches at the unchanging personality of this man. no wonder you like him.
before the conversation can tread further down memory lane, there’s an announcement to have the guests move to another room where dinner is being served.
“we’ll get going first then.” namjoon announces, guiding you by the waist as yoongi nods, waiting for naeun to come to his side before going in himself.
x
 dinner went smoother than expected. yoongi and naeun showed up uninvited and were placed in the back seats where the people socially displaced guests are. you felt bad when you saw naeun’s distorted expression as waiters bring in chairs to the table for the both of them. but there’s nothing you could have done.
“you have an 8am shift tomorrow, right?” namjoon asks as you slip your heels off, wincing at when one of them brushes against the blisters. they’re gonna be a bitch to deal with tomorrow.
stretching your arms out as you walk up the stairs, you hum in confirmation. “mhm, and you have dinner with ms. yoo, right?”
it’s ironic how you know each other’s schedule despite not being anything more than two people sharing one house and happens to be married. guess you’ll chalk it up with the fact that you both respect each other enough to be aware of each other’s whereabouts - not the creepy kind of way but the share-me-your-live-location-so-i-know-you’re-safe kind of way.
namjoon was quiet until you take a left to where the guest bedroom-turned-permanent-bedroom is, “it got rescheduled.”
your hand hovers over the door handle as you crane your neck to look at the man on the top of the stairs. his bow tie is loosened, the button to his color undone and his blazer is draped over one arm - a telltale sign of a final end to the night. “i was hoping we could have dinner to together. after work.”
yes but you don’t usually go straight home after work. you usually spend time at the library either at your previous college or at the hospital. you’ve decided to continue your research no matter how taxing it may be since you came back from the honeymoon. namjoon knows and the fact he asks you to dinner anyway - it’s unlike him.
he’s the kind of person that would ask if you had free time and match his schedule to yours. not ask for your time.
“yeah, sure.” you say and you think you see his shoulder line sagging as if he’s just let out a long-held breath, “pick me up at 8?”
“yeah.” he nods, dimples showing as his lips curl at your answer, “at 8.”
only when the door closes behind you, do you let yourself slide down to the ground. heels lying next to your thighs and dress in need of being sent for washing. your cheeks are and neck and ears are hot. dinner? just you and namjoon? like... a date?
x
jisoo isn’t around when lunch rolls by.
“a patient got rolled into er this morning - couldn’t contact any of his family members. suho decided to go ahead with surgery but he reacted badly to the anesthesia so she had to make up for her suho’s mistake and monitor his patient.” jennie’s face scrunches at the other woman’s supervisor pushing the task on her. shoving a forkful of the cheese cake, she sighs as the medical professional side take over, “thank god the surgery went smoothly though despite all that.”
you hum in contemplation, comparing the well-established crazy bitch seokjin who pushes those under his supervision to their limits and suho’s less-than-extreme approach. you used to envy jisoo and jennie for getting suho as their supervisor but at the end of the day, with every push from seokjin, you get out of it stronger and wiser. “i hope she doesn’t forget to have her meals.”
the day ends faster than usual. of course with rounds and surgeries you have to assist with, you’ve always find yourself barely realizing the setting sun - the sign of that your shift has ended.
but you could have sworn it was 5pm when you last checked the time. an car crash patient had arrived at the er and you forgot you’d left your phone on your desk, running out to assist the critical patient. it’s only when you’ve plopped into your recliner, head thrown back in fatigue, do you notice the vibration of your phone.
namjoon’s name flashes across your screen. your eyes almost bulges out of their sockets as you swipe to the right.
the deep voice from the other end is as calm as ever, “hey, ___-”
“namjoon!” you almost scream with guilt, phone pressed between your cheek and your shoulder as you shrug the coat off one shoulder before using the free now free hand to hold the phone and shrug off the other shoulder, “where are you?”
“i’m at the parking lot. i couldn’t wait at the lobby because i was obstructing the other cars - i called you a few times.” he sounds almost concerned and your heart clenches tightly in you chest at the thought of him waiting for you for over an hour.
you burst onto the parking lot - searching for the sleek black audi until a red bugatti rolls over. you’re about to take a step back seeing as you’re almost standing in the middle of the road - when the driver on the other side of the car steps out. his usually gelled hair is mussed from the amount of times he ran his hand over it, cuffs rolled to just below his elbow, revealing the dark veins that run just below the skin on his arm. 
namjoon fixes you with that eased smile, going around the gently purring vehicle and opening the door to the passenger seat for you. the arm which hand he uses to hold the door open pulls on the thin fabric of his button down in all the right places. so this is a the normal end-of-the-day look.
you always get back a bit later than him and by the time he looks up from his work that’s laid out over the coffee table, he would usually already have bathed and changed into one of those long-sleeved shirts.
x
the restaurant he initially booked for dinner had cancelled. naturally. so you end up in a barbecue place five minutes away from the hospital. this is where you and your colleagues go when to celebrate a birthday, promotion or finally-having-a-boyfriend/girlfriend.
the slices of meat sizzles on the grill, its marinated aroma wafting in the air. but your stomach churns with a different kind of sensation - guilt. “i-i’m sorry. because of me you had to wait an hour and got cancelled by the restaurant.”
then, he chuckles. it’s the same kind of good natured chuckle that reverberates every time you say something amusing - but you can’t see how any of this is.
his says your name. the syllabus rolls out of his tongue in waves but you chalk up the blush spreading on your face with the heat of the grill so close to you. he leans back against the backrest, sleeves filled out to the brim as he crosses his arms over his chest. “you were the one saving a life. all i did was wait.”
“y-yeah but still.” no emergency is foreseeable, otherwise you could have saved more lives than you do now. and it’s still not enough. “i forgot about you.”
namjoon nods, taking your words into consideration - as if he never thought about it that way. as if he truly doesn’t mind wasting his time over some woman he has to tolerate because he’s married to her. “cook me dinner then.”
“wh-what?”
“i don’t want you to beat yourself up and i know whatever i say is going to come off as me being nice.” the corners in his lips tugs upwards, “so make it to me by cooking dinner.”
once your brain is done registering what he said, you clutch your hands in your lap as though you’re clinging onto this one time chance to make up for your fault, “yes! i-i mean yeah, sounds fair.”
the smooth sound of his chuckle isn’t lost to the sizzle of the meat. to him, it must be a small matter but to you, it’s a matter of pride.
“this saturday then?” you offer, a bit too eager.
almost as if remembering something, he releases a long drawn out sigh, “business trip to tokyo.”
“next weekend?”
“mom’s home sweeter home fundraiser for the orphans on saturday. sunday?”
“night shift. how bout breakfast?”
“golf with seollyu’s director.”
a heavy pause lapses in the room. after a moment, namjoon reaches for the chopsticks, flipping the slices of meat over.
your shoulders sag, lips pursed in a pout. this isn’t an unusual occurrence in your years of being the daughter of your family. your father is devoutly involved in the family business and your mother is busy with her charity work. you’ve celebrated birthdays with the staff more than you do with them.
the glint of the chopstick that’s placing a piece of meat on your plate catches your eyes. you study the long nimble fingers to the vein that runs from the back of its hand and disappear somewhere below his arm before you gulp, meeting his eyes - did he notice you checking out his arm?
“we’ll figure something out.” if he did, he doesn’t say as he fixes you with an assuring smile, “but right now you need to get some food in you. eat up dr. ___. you did great today at work.”
this time, you really can’t blame the grill for the blush.
x
“you could’ve told mom you couldn’t do brunch.” namjoon tells you in the elevator to the 15th floor of your in-laws’ house. it’s been three days since that night. he’s left for work but prior to this morning, he’d already made it clear that it was no problem at all picking you up from home.
he’s probably saying this because of the lack of makeup you’d put on. some pats of compact powder and bright red lipstick can’t hide the bags underneath those tired eyes. you’d spend extra hours reading about the defective genes and the fix to remodel them so every child born from parents from a history of relatives with inheritable diseases could live a life without the risk of said disease.
“i’m fine.” you wave a dismissive hand before stretching in the compact space in a last ditch attempt to wake yourself up and hopefully look fresher by the time you reach the floor. “’sides, i’ve been so focused on work, it’s nice to see mom and dad every once in awhile.”
you’ve gotten used to referring to mr. and mrs. kim as if they’re your own parents - in a way, they are. you’ve known them for as long as you can remember.
“you have to be at the hospital by noon, right?”
you hum in confirmation. though you insisted on grabbing a cab to the hospital since it’s on the opposite side of the office, namjoon had insisted better. “mhm, oh we’re here.”
a ding! echoes throughout the elevator when it stops, doors opening to a hallway with black and yellow walls and ceiling, paired with honey marble flooring. it takes a few seconds before the black door at the end of the hallway to swing open but instead of the warm smile of the elderly lady, a bring and vibrant naeun beams at the both of you.
“you’re here. come in.” she steps aside, the hem of her sundress fluttering as she moves.
your body tenses at the proximity of the woman who you thought you could avoid until a much later time. and from the barely noticeable lifted brows that namjoon does, you know he wasn’t expecting his sister-in-law too. if she’s here, so is yoongi.
“we picked these up on the way.” you hand her the paris baguette paper bag. you’d ordered a mix of fruit tarts, cinnamon rolls and macaroon. all of which you remember mrs. kim mentioning to be her favorites. 
“oh! you shouldn’t have but thank you.” up close, naeun is much more prettier with a natural pinkish tint across her cheeks that makes her seem dreamy and glossed cheery lips that complements the gentle air she carries around. she passes the bag to one of the staff that’ll probably unbox them and plate them.
you offer her a smile - though a bit strained. and she must have noticed when she sighs softly, eyes darting to her fuchsia flats before looking back up at you with a furrowed brows. but even when she’s frowning, she’s pretty.
“i’ve been wanting to meet you and properly apologize for not being able to attend the wedding - i had an exhibition that day in prague and yoongi wouldn’t let me go by myself even though i thought at least one of us should go to his brother’s wedding.” she chuckles at the last part as if replaying the heartwarming scene of her protective husband choosing his wife over his family. you can feel every fiber of your body coiling and writhing - it takes everything for you not to leave through the door. would yoongi have done the same for you?
“this must be awkward for you, isn’t it?” her lips tug into a half-smile - a telltale that she’s equally uncomfortable to talk about this topic. “with you and yoongi being engaged before but now i’m the one married to him. but i hope we can put everything past us and be a family.”
but something in the way she talks - it’s as if she sympathizes. as if she’s saying it’s okay, you shouldn’t feel ashamed. but what are you supposed to be shameful of? of being engaged to yoongi before? of marrying his brother when said engagement fell through? perhaps you should have gave mrs. kim a hard ‘no’ when she pleaded with teary eyes for you and your parents’ forgiveness when she and mr. kim had to break the news over dinner two years ago. so you wouldn’t have to develop a hard skin and pretend you didn’t care about the ruthless rumors that have spread far and wide after your marriage to namjoon. 
“oh? yeah, it was a long time ago.” you offhandedly say - it’s that moment, when her eyes twitches just the slightest bit that you realize it wasn’t all just in your head. she did mean to make you feel embarrassed when she started mentioning the engagement.
you join namjoon and mrs. kim at the garden while naeun follows suit a second later, taking the middle among the three seats. the elder woman’s eyes light up at the sight of you, her heels clacking against the wooden flooring as she crosses the distance and engulfs you in a hug. you hug back, smiling at the woman’s motherly warmth.
“___, my favorite daughter, what happened to you?” she cups your cheeks, brows furrowing as she seem to examine your complexion.
you should’ve used concealer. 
“the hospital is working you to the bone isn’t it? why, it’s been awhile since i had lunch with chairman lee, maybe i should give his wife a call.”
that’s how it works when you have connections. if someone’s daughter or son fails to get into college or a job through regular exams or interviews, a dinner or lunch with the director of the institution will get the child admitted overnight. that’s probably why seokjin was harder on you than usual when you got back from your honeymoon - he must think you’re not serious about being a doctor. it’s not a secret he came from old money but he’d cut off all ties with his family when he started working. he has more ethics than half of the people you know.
“___ doesn’t like it when you do these things, mom.” yoongi grumbles - always the painfully honest one. the chair screeches as he pulls it and plops between naeun and namjoon while their father occupies the seat next to mrs. kim. it looks like they just came from mr. kim’s home office. and judging from the stiffness of their posture, the talk must have been a serious one.
namjoon’s shoulder line tightens just the slightest bit - you almost thought it was just a figment of your imagination but when you steal a glance at his face, you know he’s not too keen in having yoongi sit next to him. so you weren’t imagining it when he seemed like he was escaping yoongi by not waiting for naeun to come and walk with you to into the dining hall.
you’re not lost to yoongi’s familiar tone when he spoke on your behalf. but you’re not happy either. forcing a laugh, you push a strand to the back of your ear for the sake of doing something, “i-it’s not the hospital. i’ve been staying up late to work a bit on my research.”
a worker comes with the baked goods you brought. they’re plated on perfectly polished ceramic - you can easily see your forced smile in its reflection when the woman sets them down the table in front of you. 
“research?” yoongi lifts one eyebrow at you. too casually. and it takes you back to those times when you used to visit him at his college’s library and you’d bring your homework with you whilst you slip in a few ‘what i did’s as he typed away on his mac but still managed to keep up with you and asked questions here and there. a sign that he’d been present and listening.
“___���s been working on researching how segregate defective genes during the fetal stage so the fetus won’t take on their parents’ inherent diseases when they’re born.” namjoon explains the simplified version almost as though it’s part of his day-to-day line of work. he grins at you, the corners of his lips tugging with pride - a gratification of being able to show you off.
“that’s good. you’re making a difference in this world.” mr. kim is the first to break the silence. and in the years you’ve known him, it means the highest level of flattery you’ll ever get from the man.
your cheeks are flushed red and you know well enough it’s not because of mr. kim’s compliment than it is his son’s. “it’s still just a research draft but th-thank you. mister-” the elder man raises his brow and you quickly correct yourself, “i mean, dad.” 
he nods at the word, the slightest hint of smile disappearing under the cup of tea he brings to his mouth.
“but still, don’t push yourself too hard. working as a doctor takes up a lot of time already.” naeun fixes you with a worried gaze but something about her tone makes your stomach churn - it’s as if she’s playing down the time and effort you’d invested in your research and reminding you to focus on your paying job. even if you did downplay yourself when you were responding to mr. kim. before you can sort out the wave of emotions clashing inside you, namjoon seems to beat you to it.
“not everyone can do what ___’s doing. it’s okay if she wants to do more,” a hand slips under yours in your lap, reverting your gaze from the beautiful woman to the apparent difference in the size of yours and namjoon before you turn your cheek to him. it was a mistake because now you’re holding your breath as you come face to face. his body is leaned into you as he speaks, “i’ll just take care of ___ better.”
he turns to naeun, lips twitching upwards in a brief smile as if to enforce it more and putting a finality to the topic. but you’re left staring at namjoon’s sharp jawline until mrs. kim makes a squealing sound as she clamps her mouth shut in an attempt to tease you.
“gosh, is my baby all grown up now? he’s saying he’ll take care of his wife!”
the chuckle you let out is nowhere near natural or entertained. not when your insides are burning and you think your heart is going into overdrive from how fast it’s beating. and it doesn’t help that namjoon’s too casually playing along “of course, i only have one wife.”
x
“namjoon,” you take a second to gather yourself, hands fiddling in your lap as the car rolls to a stop in front of the lobby. the man fixes you with an inquisitive gaze. of course, who wouldn’t be wondering what’s up if their name was spoken with so much weight in them like you did with namjoon’s? “what was that? the wife thing?”
he stares into the street as he sifts through his memory before he fixes you with a gaze clouded with guilt, “i’m sorry. i got carried away - it won’t happen again.”
and that’s the thing. namjoon is too fast in admitting his fault. but you didn’t bring it up because you wanted an apology-
“no, i don’t mind.” you shake your head almost too eagerly before back tracking and clearing your throat, “i mean, it’s true. we’re married - i am your wife.”
the corners of his lips upturns at your last words and he doesn’t bother to hide it as he waits for you to finish - but how can you when he’s looking at you so tenderly like that?
“it’s just - too soon?” you curse yourself for sounding so meek but any louder, your heart might just jump out of your throat.
namjoon nods, that contemplative look settling on his face and takes away that smile only to return it with a dimpled grin. one hand slides in between yours and guiding the back of your hand to his lips.
“we’ll take it slow then.”
you can only nod, afraid that if you tried to speak, you would forget how to. the light rap on your side of the window catches both your attention. it’s the parking management. stealing a glance at the cars that are beginning to queue up behind you, you hurriedly gather your bag and hop out of the car.
cheeks flushed, you barely register waving back at namjoon when he leans over the passenger seat just to shoot you that dimpled smile and a ‘see you at home’.
you turn on your heels. the sharp click bounces against the white walls. a small smile spreads across your lips as you think about namjoon’s words.
yeah, the penthouse does feel like home.
x
this isn’t slow at all. you’re barely progressing.
it feels like everyday is passing by too fast what with the abundance of functions you’ve told namjoon you wanted to go with when you’re not working, to cramming some time for research and trying to find the time to at least make breakfast when you’re not on morning shift. though on some mornings, he’d beat you to breakfast and you’d wake up to the delectable smell of omelette or bacon.
“you must be thrilled about the new hospital, mrs. kim,” mrs. hwan is generally an agreeable woman along with her husband, the president of a small startup firm. they’re the first couple to approach you and namjoon since you arrived at the party. but that’s just it - the smiling, the talking, the eagerness doesn’t show in their eyes. it’s all about building connections while maintaining a good enough acquaintanceship. “are you going to be managing it directly since you’re a doctor yourself?”
“naturally,” the tug on your lips and the smoothness of your response is almost effortless. you’re no stranger to this scene - except back then, you would be standing next to yoongi. though your hand wouldn’t be tucked in his arm like yours is with namjoon. “though i still have a lot to learn, i hope the next two years will help me prepare to for eden.”
two years is the estimated time that eden hospital will be able to run. you’d finish your residency by then. all that’s left is to take the next step. just like your parents had planned for you as they’d planned many things. you never had the power to object.
mrs. hwan goes on to sprinkling empty praises while her husband laughs in deflated humor. they say the way to a successful business deal is through the wife.
once namjoon gets swamped by more people, you gently pull your hand away from his arm. you don’t miss the pleading look he fixes you when he notices your intention but you can only return a ‘you can do it!’ smile and slip away from the limelight.
the balcony area is dark, illuminated only by the fading light the pours over the floor past the door frame. you don’t expect the air to be this chilly at the beginning of summer but then again, namjoon did suggest bringing a coat - you were just too stubborn to because it would ruin the off shoulder look of your dress.
a sneeze escapes you a moment later as you hug yourself in an attempt to retain your body heat. but the warmth that engulfs you seems impossible to have come from just your puny palms - heck, your fingers were starting to feel prickly cold. there’s a sort of weight on your shoulders that wasn’t there before-
“idiot, you’re gonna catch a cold.” yoongi tuts from next to you - he has his hands in his pockets, all donned in crisp white shirt and checkered grey trousers and vest. all that’s missing is a matching blazer - the one that he placed around you just now.
somewhere in the recesses of your memories, you remember him taking off the muffler he had on and wrapping it around your neck when you showed up for your ‘christmas date’ with a pink nose and pinker ears - you could barely feel them. yoongi was that kind of person - the kind that acted like everything is a whole load of inconvenience and yet went to greater length to inconvenient himself for you.
“thanks. i thought i was going to freeze to death if i have to hide out here for another hour.” you tug the thick material of the blazer closer - the warmth of his heat feels just right.
“then you shouldn’t have come in the first place.” he must have noticed the higher-than-an-octave tone he uses before ruffling his hair - it’s the first you’ve ever seen him so unsure. is it really because of you?
“it’s fine. besides, what kind of wife would i be if i let namjoon get eaten by the pack of wolves by himself?” you chuckle at the fact that you’d done just that when you escaped the growing crowd of businessmen.
but when you notice the lack of humor on yoongi’s face, your own dies down. he’s staring at you with an indecipherable look. it’s not the bored expression he usually sports - not also the anger from the outburst just now. before you can say anything, namjoon’s lean silhouette appears in the doorway. you can’t see his face but his tone is strained. “we’re leaving, if you’re both done catching up.”
“so soon?” you know for a fact it probably hasn’t even been fifteen minutes - and you’re supposed to linger for at least two hours before leaving. that’d be enough time for namjoon to scout any potential business associate - the worthy ones at least.
“hey little bro.” yoongi waves, the disinterested look now returning but the way he phrases his next words oozes with revulsion. it’s no surprise. while yoongi hates these events - he’s probably here because of naeun, you heard the director of seoul’s annual art exhibition is here - namjoon strives off it. garnering attention and making the best of it by bringing in stockholders. “had enough of ass licking?”
you never understand the tangibility of the tension that feels the air when these two brothers are in the same room together - they’re barely able to remain civil in the presence of mr. and mrs. kim. anywhere without their parents’ watchful eyes, a fight would always be at risk of breaking out. whenever you were around, you’d be the one to interfere, whether it’s to tug on yoongi’s sleeve and tell him you’re hungry, or step in front of him just so he’d remember you’re here or right now-
“thank you, yoongi.” folding the blazer in half, you hand it back to the man - only that he’s not taking it back. momentarily, you wonder if you’d stained it with your lipstick or foundation but the lapels never touched anywhere above your neck. but deep in the crook of your conscience, you know it’s when his mind retracts back to you, to the present.
the sigh that escapes yoongi is a telltale of fatigue - you wonder if this is the first time of the day he came out of his studio. taking the blazer from your outstretched hand, he slings it over his shoulder, “don’t get too caught up with these functions. focus on your goal.”
your goal meaning what comes next in your career: the fellowship. you thought that information was lost on him, buried among the many things you told him just because you were comfortable telling him everything. 
and as you watch him walk back into the lion’s den, you wonder, how didn’t you realize he was in love with someone else during the visits you paid while he was doing his masters and phd?
x
namjoon doesn’t say anything about yoongi in the car. but both his hands are on the wheel. knuckles a little paler from holding onto the wheel.
“you don’t have to be part of eden’s board of directors.” he huffs, as though annoyed but from the way he continues, you know he’s not annoyed at you. he’s annoyed at himself. “you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to - i don’t want to force anything on you.”
and you know - you know more than anyone how conscious namjoon is of things. from the change in your mood to the people that tries to get close to him because of his status - that’s also why he didn’t kiss you on your lips that day. but a kiss was the prerequisite of a vow so he kissed you on the forehead. the area where his lips landed burns your skin as your cheeks flush from the memory.
“i know.” you hesitate for a heartbeat but reach out to cover one of his hands on the wheel still. to let him know that you’re not just saying that to ease the guilt.
when you pull away from the thought of how risky and distracting what you did was, the hand that you were lightly caressing pulls at yours, intertwining your fingers as he keeps them on his thigh. your entire body burns from the contact yet you’re sitting frozen in your spot. it’s the gentle squeeze on your hand that brings you out of your shell-shock state. a smile tugs on your lips subconsciously as you squeeze back.
x
the following week, you almost got into a fight with namjoon when he caught you dressing up prettily. he told you it was okay not to attend these functions anymore - the ones your tight schedule barely allow you to. fight was an overstatement. your feelings were hurt when he’d kissed your temple and said, “it’s okay, you don’t have to push yourself.”
well, you were but he wasn’t seeing the bigger picture. “can’t you see? i wanna spend more time with you and the only way i can is if we attend these functions together.”
in hindsight, you probably shouldn’t have thrown your strapless black diamond purse at him out of frustration.
but the following functions, you did spend more time together. he’d declined the usual advancement of business people the way only kim namjoon could pull off - with a dimpled smile and a hand around your waist as if to indicate that they were interrupting - and they were. they’d come up to the both of you while you were telling namjoon about a new skillet spaghetti recipe you’d wanted to try making for the long overdue dinner you owe him. and you’d expected someone to approach namjoon and take his attention away but you didn’t think he’d decline them.
“hm? i don’t think we have tomatoes or beef. should we go grocery shopping?” he suggests calmly as though he didn’t just turn down the chairman of tvn broadcast. the man had to do a double take in case he had mistaken namjoon’s smooth rejection.
you place a hand on his chest, restraining the urge to pull your hand away as if you’ve touched fire. you knew he goes to the gym for an hour after work and his shirts always seem a size too small around his arms but you didn’t expect anything beyond that underneath that shirt of his. you clear your throat when you realize his neck is craned so he could look at you - give you all the attention in the world, “you know, we can discuss dinner some other time - when you’re free.”
but neither of you are free. you barely see each other at home because of your unpredictable schedule and his that’s set in stone.
“then what would you rather us talk about right now?” a corner of his lips tugs upwards. if you first met him, you wouldn’t easily dismiss the smile as nothing more than because of his amiable nature. but you’ve been married for almost five months now and you clearly pick up on the playfulness that lights up his eyes.
“the desserts.” you announce too quickly in an attempt to avert his attention from what he’s thinking - one thing you’ve realized is that namjoon is painfully aware of your blushing fits and your avoidance to look him in the eyes. “they’re nice, aren’t they?”
all of a sudden, he’s scooping a forkful of the chocolate souffle he’d picked up from the desserts section while you’d opted for the luscious almond torte. a small smirk tugs on his lips as he holds the fork to your mouth the way he does during breakfast. he knows you have no objections of being fed like a child but he also knows where you stand with public display of affection.
“say ‘aaaaa’ and i’ll give you a treat, doctor ___.” and he loves to tease you. he’s taken to calling you that because of that one incident where he’d seen you discuss about a patient with one of the nurses while you were on your way to meet him. in his own words, he’d ‘never seen you this scary before.’
in your defense, it was five minutes till lunch break so it was still working hours and you were acting the way you usually did at work - but you’d understand. the person you are with friends and the person you are at work are two separate entities. suppose you’ve mastered separating personal business and work. namjoon seems to take pleasure in making that steadfast side of you squirm and blush like a tomato.
your fingerpads gently grazes the back of his hand as you hold the fork in place before taking it in your mouth. your eyes flit over namjoon’s for the briefest moment before taking a step back, licking the residue of souffle off your lips.
“they really are nice.” you murmur as you throw your gaze at the stage where a man sits at the piano before flickering back to namjoon.
you wonder why he’s so quiet all of a sudden -
the man in question still has the empty fork in the air, eyes wide and staring at you, you would’ve thought he’d seen a ghost. until you notice the dust of pink across his cheek and spread to the tip of his ears.
oh?
x
mrs. kim’s fundraiser is held at the school where the children attended. about four canopies were set up on the field. one for the children’s activities - you remember reading something about coloring, origami-making and storybook reading.  the volunteers - possibly college students hoping to earn the graces of kimcorp’s president’s wife for an internship - already have the children huddled up in groups of three or four.
one canopy is specifically set up for a table of wide range of food - if there’s anything you like about these functions, it’s the abundance of food they never fail to prepare. as if spending a lot of money on a fundraising event is something to flex about.
the other two canopies are for the people of interest - acquaintances of mrs. kim and those who come with an ulterior motive be it to get sponsors for their own project, a business deal or simply to regain a higher social hierarchy by falling into your mother-in-law’s graces.
you press a light kiss on namjoon’s cheek before he’s whisked away by the second category. business men who jump at the sight of your ceo husband who got a fair warning from mrs. kim to “play nice. what’s gotten into you all of a sudden? these days i keep hearing things about you turning chairmen down! your father didn’t work this hard just to raise a stuck up son that could ruin his business in a matter of days.”
once you’ve had a slice of red velvet and tiny macaroons, you decide to hide yourself from the few people who try to do the same to you when namjoon is too preoccupied by the ones who claimed his attention first. just like preys on the top of the pyramid sinking its claws, the lower level preys couldn’t come close.
but one manages to follow you into one of the classrooms.
“nothing’s changed has it?’ yoongi stands in the doorway, tuxedo and brown loafers and all. hands tucked into both his pockets, he strides across the room and stops in front of the window that overlooks the light pink canopies and the people underneath them. “same old assholes using a charitable cause to proliferate their influence.”
the muscles on your face pulls your lips into a disapproving frown, “that’s how our parents manage to give us an education. a good life.” you don’t agree to the way they go about it but you give credit where it’s due.
yoongi scoffs, his shoulders jolting slightly. you can’t see his face as he stands with his back on you but you know he’s smirking that condescending smirk. the first time you saw it was when you were in your senior year of high school and yoongi was doing his masters in business and accounting. he’d looked down on the man who approached the two of you like he was scum just because everyone knew his company was wallowing in debt and he’s desperate enough to ask the lion who hates the jungle for help.
“always finding a middle ground. if you like what they do so much, why did you become a doctor? why didn’t you follow their footsteps, huh?”
you can’t help but let out a tired sigh. you’ve been here before. you’ve seen this. yoongi hates the world he’s born in and you understand why but you can never feel what he feels. “why are you here, yoongi? shouldn’t you be with naeun?” there’s a pause. a heartbeat before you decide to let yourself free. say what you want to say. “before the wolves get to her.”
“she’s fine.” it's almost offensive how haughty he sounds. he must either be aware of nauen’s innocence that makes the wolves eliminate the possibility of her being a threat or he just doesn’t care. the latter presumption makes your stomach churn.
did he also not care about you when you were together? when you went to these events as a couple?
“we should head back. it would be bad if anyone saw us alone like this even though we’re just talking.” and that’s that. you turn on your heels, making way to the door but before you can even take another step forward, lithe fingers wrap around your wrist.
“what?” it comes out harsher than you intend it. funny how you put on a face of a woman made out of steel when your knees can barely hold your weight the moment you feel his warm hand on your skin.
“i knew - i knew but i didn’t want to tie you down.” with his head lowered and his long hair, you can’t see his eyes for an idea of what he’s saying. 
“yoongi, what-”
“i knew how you felt.” at that moment, his grip on you loosens. it’s almost as though it’s an overdue confession and the weight on his shoulders has finally lifted, “you only knew me - you turned down every boy that tried to ask you out in high school and college. you -you were only looking at me and i didn’t want that on my shoulders - i didn’t want you to turn down every opportunity to life - to dating, to heart break to - to sex with someone - several someone’s just because we were engaged.”
his fingers traces down your index finger before falling away. but you won’t tell him - you can never do it to namjoon - that it took all of you not to twine your fingers with his just because it felt like he was letting go.
your breath hitches in your throat when you turn your cheek towards him. the sight before you is something you’d never thought you’d see in your entire life. yoongi’s pink dusts his otherwise snowflake skin. the bored expression he usually wears is gone - almost as if he’s never worn it his entire life as something akin to desperation pools in those dark eyes. his soft pink lips are agape as though he wants to say something. and you wait, wait, wait but he never does.
so you turn your back on him, heels clicking against the ground as you slip past the door without a word. only when you’re at the end of the hallway, do you turn the corner, back pressed against the wall because your buckling legs might not be able to handle your weight.
those unsaid words - you can hear them clearly: i fucking regret letting you go.
x
the following week, you spend by drowning yourself in work and later working on your research until the library closes. by the time you’re pressing the 20th floor to the penthouse you both shared, you know for certain namjoon’s gone to bed. he values his sleep time. says it’s essential to keep himself in a good mood so others who work with him would be at ease. sometimes you want to tell him it’s okay not to think about others for once but the words lay buried the depth of your heart because you’re exactly like him. suppressing your feelings, smiling and saying you’re okay even though you’re not. the only difference is there’s a side of you that wants to lash out, do something worse to those who hurt you while namjoon does it from the good of his heart.
“it’s hard, being nice.” he says in between the clink of the stirring of the spoon in his coffee mug.
you look up from the peanut butter you’re spreading over your toast. “hm?”
he shakes his head, as if to say it’s nothing, i’m just thinking out loud. but the words he says next is enough to make your heart drop right to the ground. “yoongi told me.”
“wh-what?” it’s denial in your tone - the combination of those three words are simple enough to take you back to the school nine days ago. in side that little classroom.
“yesterday. he came over to the office.” he shrugs as if it’s no big deal but the tensed line of his shoulders is apparent no matter how casually he brings the mug to his smiling lips - that too. his lips are smiling but his eyes are not.
you don’t know when or how you started noticing the little things. sensing namjoon’s moods - his reactions and his retractions. you never realized you were so in tune with the things he does. all you realize is you’re already able to read him like a book - thick, best-leather book that was safeguarded by a lock.
“namjoon,” the clink of the butter knife being set on your plate resonates like a pin drop in a vacuum room, “nothing happened. i promise.”
“i know - i know you’d never do anything like that so that’s why i’m telling you it’s okay.” something in the way he looks at you make you bite your tongue - as if he’s asking you to listen even though you’re bursting at the seams. you’d do anything to prove that nothing happened even though you knew he knew. “we entered into this marriage for a mutual reason. not dreading to come home is more than i can ask for. so it’s okay if you want to see yoongi just... keep out of the spotlight like many in our shoes who found love outside of it have.”
he chuckles but it’s strained and tense, dumping the coffee into the sink because he couldn’t bear to stay in the kitchen any longer. you slip out of the high stool, feet padding around the counter and before you know it, your arms around his body. you feel him freeze under your touch and this is wrong - wrong on so many levels because he would have asked if he could touch you and you’re not reflecting the same amount of respect he had for you.
but for some reason, you can’t let go - you’re afraid if you let him walk out of the door, you’d never be able to grasp even a shadow of his existence.
“i don’t want to.” the words are muffled from your cheek pressing against his back.
a pause lapses between you when you don’t say anything else. no explanation. no reason. because you don’t know it yourself. you don’t know why your heart clenches in your chest at the sight of namjoon’s dismal smile. you don’t know why you acted on your instincts and hugged the man.
you don’t know.
“okay.” he sighs softly as a warm palm rests above your fisted hand. you wish you can see him - wish you can see what kind of expression he’s making because it’s killing you to not know what he’s thinking. “you don’t have to, if you don’t want to.”
that’s when the sniffle escapes you. internally, you curse yourself for being so emotion-driven. it’s not a good trait for a doctor to have.
namjoon calls your name. the syllabus rolling off his tongue makes your stomach churn with butterflies. “are you crying?”
you don’t expect him to say that. don’t expect the teasing undertone either. naturally, your respond comes a heartbeat later, “n-no.”
the body under your touch shifts. all of a sudden, you’re eye-to-eye with him. there’s a sparkle in them that almost makes you forget how to breathe. his dimples dig into his cheek as his lips curl into a smile whilst his large hands frames you face.
“wh-what?” you feel your brows furrowing, lips pursed.
“you’re too cute.” his thumb grazes your burning cheekbone feather light, “i want to kiss you.”
“then do it.” you don’t know the reason behind that angry, pressed tone but namjoon doesn’t seem to mind - or he knows something you don’t.
you don’t have the time to ponder on that when a pair of lush lips meshes with yours. the scent of the coffee he had engulfs your senses as one hand finds its way to the back of his neck and the other rests on his accelerating heartbeat. time seems to stop when namjoon’s kissing you. somewhere in the back of your mind, you distinctly remember something perpetually important but you couldn’t be bothered as his hands fall away from your face and finds the dip of your lower back and pull you closer until your bodies are pressed together.
somewhere in a distant, you hear the beep of the front door. hoseok’s voice booming across the hallway that leads to the living room and the kitchen where you’re at now.
“namjoon? you here? did you oversleep? man, i never thought i’d see the day our ceo is late to work.” hoseok’s footsteps stops at the end of the hallway, “oh great, you’re all dressed.”
he blinks, surprised at the sight of his boss who’s leaning against the edge of the sink - hands pressed on either side of the edge, doing absolutely nothing while you dip a butter knife into a jar of peanut butter and jelly but equally as out-of-it as his boss appear to be.
“y-yeah, let me grab my blazer.” namjoon pushes himself off, going around the counter and heading towards the stairs where his bedroom is until -
“it’s here.” hoseok points out.
“what?”
“your blazer. it’s this one, right?” the secretary loyally scoops up the thick maroon blazer off the couch and hands it to his boss who’s just barely recovered from what seems to be a trance. 
he’d went down and tossed the blazer on the couch before making his coffee - before the kiss.
namjoon clears his throat, refusing to look at the man’s scrutinizing eyes as he thanks him and slips the blazer on. but he loses those eyes when he peeks over the man’s shoulder, mini-waving at you, “hey, morning, doc.”
you return the greeting, refraining a blush as you feel the ghost of namjoon’s lips when you fix his secretary a smile, “hey, hoseok. care to join us for breakfast?”
the man shrugs, eyes flitting over his boss who now seems ready to go, “thanks doc but i had some cereal and cold milk.”
he bids his farewell and escapes out of where he came from, letting the two of do what newly weds do before the other goes to work. it’s in that moment that he realizes with a chill running down his spine as he sat in the driver seat - that namjoon isn’t a bachelor anymore and he couldn’t come and go as he pleases and that he might have interrupted something. come to think of it, both you and namjoon’s cheeks were flushed...
“h-hey boss,” hoseok steals a glance of the man at the backseat through the rear view mirror. he almost chokes on his next words when the man’s eyes meet him but he persists like a man on a mission to not get fired , “y-you know, i’ve been with kimcorp. f-for a long time. i-it’s like my family a-and i’ll work harder from now on.”
confusion flashes across namjoon’s features for the briefest moment. he doesn’t know what makes hoseok say something so out of his character and shakily at that but it’s not the first time that his employee’s said something like this to him - of course, minus the stutter and all.
“that’s good to know, hoseok.” he says simply.
x
it’s been a week since you told namjoon you didn’t - wouldn’t see anyone. yoongi or not. when you told him you were going to meet yoongi at a cafe near his studio to give the man an answer - a hard no, there’s still some needling doubt in namjoon’s gaze as he reverts his eyes away from you. as though he was afraid that the illusion would fade away and he’d end up catching the smolder of passion he’d always seen you look at the man with.
he’s not lost to your feelings - in hindsight, it was pathetically obvious how smitten you were for the elder man. even your and his parents could see. and they’d foreseen many things but not having to plead and then beg and then finally, force you into a marriage you didn’t want with the brother of the man you loved.
your only regret was leaving without kissing namjoon goodbye - but it also felt like anything you said, any sort of assurance you offered would just be an act. until you tell his brother to stop.
“come to think of it,” you set the warm cup of latte down. it would have tasted better if the circumstances were different, “we never properly ended things. the only way i knew the engagement was over was through mom and dad.” his parents you meant.
he tilts his head to the side as a response - an indication that he’s listening. he’s dressed in plain white shirt and the darkest jeans. the bags under his eyes is an indication that he hasn’t slept in days - either it’s because of working late nights trying to make music or because of what he’d said to you.
you know he’d do this - detach himself from reality when things gets tough or when he’s stuck in a situation he doesn’t have control over. but you still had hope. still held onto the past seven years you’d spent together for him to regard you with enough respect to offer closure.
“do you love naeun that much?” and yet you still ask.
you meet his hollow gaze, not knowing the intensity yours hold until your fingerpads wrapped around aches and he lets out a heavy breath.
“she was different.” he says simply - almost tiredly, “she caught my eyes. we started talking and we found out we had some things in common. i thought she’s what i needed to get over you.”
“don’t.” the churning starts from your stomach and spreads across your body like a poisonous fog. “don’t use me as an excuse for leaving. you loved me as much as i loved you and you got scared.”
a lump forms in your throat as the memories, the inside jokes that built up over time, the comfortable silents spent - everything comes crashing in like tidal wave. you knew he loved you deep down. that was why the news of him getting married took a toll on you - so much so, you decided to leave everything behind and fly to paris.
“you could’ve pushed me away if you truly had no feelings for me but you kept me around and let me think we were going to have a happy future together.” his image is distorted from the prickles of tears in your eyes but you blink them away, “but you didn’t really know you were in love with me back then, huh? that’s why you got scared shitless and decided to leave.” you’re not sure if you’re choking on your words or if you’re actually scoffing. maybe both.
in that moment, you watch as yoongi’s expression switches from that signature boredom to realization and finally unbridled sorrow. he must feel suffocated - like he’s drowning in emotions the way you did in that suite you spent for two weeks in paris before you decided to buy an apartment and stay for good. and you would have if your parents didn’t call you back - recounted all their sacrifices for you to make you guilty enough to agree to the marriage with his younger brother. he’ll spend the same amount of time sleeping and waking up in his room and realizing he can’t turn back time.
“i fucked up big time, didn’t i?” he laughs dryly as he presses his palm to his face, hunched over the minute round table.
the latte is still half-full when you swipe your phone off the table and stand up. he doesn’t spare you a glance - he probably couldn’t bring himself to face you now.
‘you’re a fucking coward min yoongi.’ is what you want to say but for some reason, you leave the words to die on the tip of your tongue. you won’t - can’t wish him a happy life and propose to put everything past you. it’s not that simple and you’re not that forgiving. but namjoon’s easy smile flashes at the back of your head at this moment of all time and makes your heart clench painfully in your chest. their relationship is already strained and if you insist on prolonging this, it’s only going to end up hurting namjoon one way or another and the cycle will just keep going on with naeun getting hurt if she found out.
“you did.” your hand is trembling around the strap of your bag, “but it’s all in the past and i don’t blame you. things wouldn’t turn out the way they do otherwise. so just... live for the present, yoongi.”
his shoulders rise and fall a little faster than normal but there’s nothing you can do - and it’s better if you leave him to collect his thoughts. the censor at the door beeps as you pass through. it takes a moment for you to feel the morning air brush your cheeks and sunlight to seep into you. your chest still feels tight but in due time, you know it’ll lighten.
x
“hey, boss. you have a special guest.” hoseok peeks into namjoon’s office like the slyboots he is. the wiggle of the man’s brows before he disappears gives namjoon all the more reason to prepare for the worse.
“send them in.” he sighs, not bothering to hide his feelings in front of hoseok. they’ve been working side by side for a long time and friends for longer he knows his friend is aware of the contrasting definition of ‘special’ but this once, as he sees you walk through the door - he admits that him and hoseok may finally be of the same mind.
namjoon shoots up from his seat, clearing his throat and buttoning his blazer together the way he’s so used to doing it when he receives an unannounced visit from his father. “what brings you here?”
instead of shooting him one of your brilliant smiles, you drop your bag on the crisp white leather couch and run right into him. arms wrapped around his torso, he can smell your favorite floral shampoo from your hair but he can’t bring himself to hug you back. his heart is palpitating inside his chest and he can only pray for some miracle that you can’t hear it. which is most unlikely what with your head coming up just a few centimeters above his shoulder line and your ears being the same height as the beating organ in his chest.
if you notice, you're not saying anything about it.
“i met yoongi just now.”
namjoon doesn’t say a word for the longest time - it’s so namjoon of him not to. but it’s also not where you stand now. that day, when you partially admitted to liking namjoon and you’re pretty sure he felt the same - you’d seen a side of namjoon you never thought you’d saw. vulnerable. fearful. all because he thought he was going to lose you - and it felt like he’s always been prepared for it. it was just a matter of time.
the muscles in your arms contracts at the thought of namjoon being so ready to let you go - is it like that too, right now? is he expecting you to go back on your words and tell him you’re going to have an affair with his brother? you don’t know and that’s driving you insane. 
and just when the muscles in your arm contract, just when you’re about to pull away, namjoon’s arms band around your body and a kiss lands on top of your head.
“did you tell him what you wanted to tell him all this time?” his voice is velvet and smooth and you can hear that easy smile as he speaks.
you nod against his chest. “it’s over. i told him to get lost.”
the chest vibrates against your cheek as rings of chuckles tumble out of namjoon’s mouth. it makes your body light up with a sort of fire. and for once, you welcome the heat spreading across your cheeks like an old friend.
he knows the last part is a bluff - it’s comforting that he knows without having you say it.
does he also know...
“after that i came here because i wanted to see you.” you crane your neck to look up at him.
true enough there’s that smile and gets wider when he meets your gaze. a hand comes to rest on your neck while his thumb grazes your chin as he presses his lips to yours. you think your heart might explode at any moment now as you kiss him back, your hand snaking to his shoulder but he stops your right hand, holding it on his chest. his heart beats the same rhythm as yours. his shoulder line heaving the same way yours do when the back of your thighs hit the couch and you finally break apart. but before you have the chance to gather your thoughts, his lips are on you again. the hand on your lower back pulling you closer until your thighs press on either side of his legs.
“let’s go home now.” he murmurs between breaths, “i might really go crazy if i touch another part of your body that’s covered in clothing.”
it’s in that moment that the door swings open.
x
hoseok bursts through the door with the photostatted files in his hand. there’s a skip in his step.
“hey boss! here’s the files you asked for.”
he looks between you - well your back - and namjoon. the ceo is fixing his tie with a hard expression while you’re standing facing the ceiling-to-floor window that overlooks the streets and several stores in the area.
d-did he just walk into you two fighting?
“thanks, hoseok.” namjoon swipes the files from his hand, walking back to his seat around the desk and dropping the files with a sharp pap!
“n-no problem boss.” he takes one frightened step backwards before turning around but before he manages to escape the lion’s den, you stop him.
“hoseok wait.” it comes out a bit rushed. granted, you’re not in any position to waste time. you dropped by even though you know you can’t afford being late to work but somehow you ended up at namjoon’s office anyway. the secretary seems to physically turn into a rock before shakily turn his cheek to you with a smile.
“uh, yeah doc?”
“namjoon, do you mind me borrowing hoseok for a bit?” the heat comes on full force as you turn to namjoon. he’s burning a hole through the files he’s flipping through but you don’t miss the pinked tips of his ears and the way his adam’s apple bobs at the sound of his name on your tongue, “my shift is starting at noon so i need to be there by,” you check the watch on your wrist, “now.”
the way namjoon doesn’t even look up from flipping the papers is how hoseok know for sure you’re fighting. “sure thing. oh and hoseok, no detours. come straight back once you drop ___ off.”
but to you, it’s because he’s flustered beyond imagination - you know, like you know how he’ll condemn himself for not being able to control himself like that. your whole body heats up as you slip into the back seat when the image of namjoon’s hooded eyes, reddened cheeks and half agape lips flash at the back of his mind. a part of you - the reasonable one - chides yourself for even thinking about ditching work and actually going home with him but another part wishes to indulge in the endless possibilities of what will happen if you did.
x
“____,” your name tumbles out of namjoon’s mouth in a breathy huff. naturally so. he hasn’t even caught his breath from when he finds you crawling over him like a woman in on a mission. now, the same exact woman his cuffing his wrists and holding them over his head with one hand while the other is undoing the buttons of his shirt while she kisses him in all the right places.
“wh-where did you even get cuffs?” his headboard is one of those pristine white cushioned ones meaning there isn’t any rails for you to hook him on and keep him in place. but you don’t need that because namjoon can barely move - all that time he spends at the gym has gone down the drain as invisible threads tie him down.
“oh these?” you let one corner of your lips tug deviously. it’s been six months since you got married and you and namjoon has never gone past the occasional cuddles and light kisses. the morning after that day when you dropped by his office after meeting yoongi, namjoon had declared his intentions to ‘do it right’ - like dates and getting to know each other better before anything else. 
it was sweet of him. until you realized you barely had time for dates - only late night conversations that ended up with you on top of him but before things could progress, he’d do everything he could to avoid bedroom affairs. but over time, it gets a bit discouraging. so this is the last straw - there’s no wine or champagne for him to use as an excuse to carry you to your room. you’re both sober, and if he doesn’t want you -
“never mind where i got these.” the low sound emitting from his throat makes your heart skip a beat as your lips brush against the shell of his ear, “don’t you want me, namjoon?”
trailing hisses down his smooth jawline, you let your lips hover over his - it only lasts for a heartbeat before he closes the distance and starts kisses you like a famine beast.
“i want you,” he confesses when you pull away just to reinforce your control. he may be the one lying down with his hands bound but it almost felt like you’re the hopeless one here - almost. the  a feral glint in his eyes sends hot waves down your core - you have to tell yourself to breathe. “of course i fucking want you ___.”
you hum in contemplation - taking just enough time to sit straighter and let your fingers undo the rest of the buttons and stopping just above his belt. the few times you laid together and he lets you lie on top of him - you knew he was brains and brawn. but you didn’t expect a perfectly sculpted body of adonis himself to be lying beneath you. the ridges of his abs heaves helplessly as he drawn in deep breaths. 
somewhere on the edge of the bed where you’d tossed it, your phone vibrates - someone’s calling but that can wait.
you lean down, soft tresses brushing his skin as you kiss that spot that illicit a delicious sound from him the first time you discovered it. somewhere in the junction between his shoulder and neck.
“fuck.” his voice is raw and desperate and carnal as his body yearns for you. his legs bent at the knees, feet ground into the bed as he grinds his hip into you - the signs of his arousal painfully obvious.
you can’t help but giggle at the way he so vehemently yearn for you. somewhere on the bed, your phone starts vibrating again.
“y-your phone.” he manages to stammer out. it’s the third time it’s vibrating.
“don’t worry about it. the only people who would call me at this time is jisoo’s drunken butt dial or the hospital-” you sit back up, heat still pooling in your stomach when your hips grind against namjoon’s arousal in the process but the urgency in the way you swipe your phone off the sheets has stolen your attention.
clear as day, it is one of the two possibilities you’ve mentioned and it isn’t your quirky colleague.
x
when you first started working, you were of the ripe age and eager to help those in need. you loved your job despite the long arduous hours, missed meals and ungodly hour roll calls because at the end of the day, it was what you wanted to do - it was the one thing you wouldn’t let your parents take away from you. you fought blood sweat and tears to get where you are now.
and doctors don’t usually start a family until they’ve at least finished their residency - but you had to get married early to keep your end of the bargain. of course, you didn’t expect to commit to said marriage. you didn’t also expect to fall for namjoon either. and you certainly didn’t expect for him to still be here in the waiting area when you walked out of the emergency operating room, head lulling to the side as sleep begins to take him, arms crossed over his chest. he didn’t even get the chance to change when you hurriedly uncoffed him, informing him about an emergency at the er. he’d offered to drive you since you couldn’t drive and waiting for an uber driver to accept your request this late at night would take more time. you’d rushed out of the car with a ‘thanks, namjoon. i owe you one!’ thinking he’d go home and get some rest - there’s no telling how long these surgeries take after all.
when he leans too far to the side, his eyes flutter open softly before noticing the turquoise-clad body in his periphery.
“___, you’re done? did the surgery go alright?” he’s always had a way of saying your name. it makes your heart warm and your chest full as he stands up to close the distance between you - to cup one side of your cheek with his hand. though your delayed response may have been the reason for that.
“the surgery was a success.” you finally say, your smaller hand covering his, lips curving softly. guilt creeps up the creeks of your chest but gratitude washes it away. it wouldn’t have been very namjoon of him if he didn’t consider everything: how you’d go home once you’re done. if there’s even any uber working this late of an hour. your heart is swelling - you don’t think you can ever love him more than you do now but namjoon being namjoon, he’ll make you fall in love with him more and more until your heart is filled to the brim, “thank you, namjoon.”
and he gets it. just like that. the words that you’re saying without putting them into words because there are many ways to say it and a plethora of intrepreting it but namjoon gets it because his heart beats the same rhythm as you: i love you.
a dimpled smile curls over his lips as he places a kiss over your forehead, “should we go home?” he leans down to whisper into your ears, his tone changing dangerously, “and pick up where we left off, yeah doc?”
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assamtourin ¡ 4 years ago
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9 Places You Should Not Miss On Your Trip to Assam
Assam is a stunning land known as the tea capital of India. You may love the proximity with nature and texture fresh air when you set foot in Assam. A land blessed with 5 best national parks in India as well a shocking historic importance and rich heritage.
  Assam is a land of pure bliss having a large number of wild animals, migratory birds and lush green gardens. If you are planning to pay a visit to Assam in 2020-21 here is a list of Assam Tour Packages. Experience the world-class Tour to Assam and explore the best destinations in Assam. Here are 9 areas you don't need to miss in your Assam tour. Let us start our list of top places to go to in Assam with the only hill station in Assam Haflong.
  1 Haflong
 Haflong is not just a breathing area but it's also known for a great number of migratory birds. Standing at an elevation of 2,300 feet above sea level, situated in Dima Hasao area of Assam It’s well known for the phenomenon of birds committing suicide at the Jatinga valley during moonless sleepless nights.
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  It also offers a couple of amazing waterfalls and ethnic tribal villages. Needless to say, you may enjoy trekking at the Boral mountain and fest yourself using a traditional meal in one of those tribal villages together with the business of a traditional dance group which are all set to perform. It's possible to bewitch a few specular waterfalls in Assam such as Panimur waterfalls and Kaka Waterfalls on the solution to Haflong. Umrangso is just yet another stunning place located on the bank of Kapili River 112 km from Haflong.
 2. Dibrugarh
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 After visiting Haflong it is time to research some wonderful tea gardens of Assam Lush green pastures and adventurous dense forests, this high range place is a fantasy land out of fairy tales. I made the decision to explore the first tea garden at the Assam Chabua property. Most small and large tea estates are sprinkled around this region. The major tea factories and employees plucking tea leaves at a little bucket tied in their head is a frequent scene in this area. Assam tea is famous particularly for black tea and its powerful aroma. You can even go for a tea tasting tour in Assam. Visit us for Dibrugarh Tour Package.
 3. Digboi
After the tea garden see it's time to explore the oil field in Assam. I led to Digboi that is just 84 Km away from Dibrugarh.
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   I was astonished to see the very first refinery in Asia Digboi Oil refinery and also the beautiful museum where older artefacts associated with the petroleum plant and antique things are kept preciously.
4. Tai-Phake village
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   Tai Phakey village or Namphake village is situated 37 kilometres from Dibrugarh. My second stop was Namphake monastery one of the earliest monasteries in Assam. That keeps and decorated auspiciously from the community which originates from Myanmar from the 18th century practicing their culture, habits and dress in its ancient glory. You may even test mouth-watering Thai food here or elect for a night stay in an Eco-camp or home stay.
 5. Sivsagar
It had been the bygone capital of the Ahom dynasty. Dotted with a number of old palaces, temples, ponds and amphitheatre throughout the right time of Ahom dynasty is still sprinkled everywhere in its original glory. This city is attractive to carry you right back. Few Important monuments from Sivsagar are Rang Ghar, Kareng Ghar, Talatal Ghar, Joysagar Tank, Sivsagar Tank etc.
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  I devote a fabulous day here sitting on the bank of Sivasagar Tank (Borpukhuri) watching fish and eating food. You can glimpse the buildings on the opposite banks of the pond such as a tiny miniature city. I can witness the densely populated temples from the complex.
 Another most interesting place worth a trip in Sivsagar is Charaideo Maidam situated 30 km from Sibsagar city. This really can be the burial ground of Ahom kings and queens. It's a myth that the sailors of kings and queens also buried living together in the maidam to help the departed king after death.
 6. Majuli
It's time to visit the most exciting area in Assam. Crossing the mighty Brahmaputra by ferry can take you to Majuli Island. With the Assam Holiday Package you can explore the best destinations in Assam.
 To begin with we visit Aunisti satra, the largest satra in Majuli with over 300 (Vakats) disciples. Afterwards we see Garmur satra, Kamalabari Satra and the mask makers Satra Samaguri. Mask making art is a most special art from practising only with a bunch of monks in Samaguri satra which grabs everyone's fascination with its unique way.
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   While in Majuli it's mandatory to find a devotional dance performance and dance play. The time we see was November before the beginning of Raas festival in Majuli. We appreciated the rehearsal for your Raas festival by Mothers of all ages.
 Besides Satras, the vibrant green rice fields, lakes full of a large number of avifauna and scenic setting are captivating to make you spellbound.
  7. Kaziranga National Park
 Located 194 km from Guwahati and 252 kilometres from Dibrugarh, Kaziranga National park would be the prime attraction in Assam. When we hit Kaziranga, a feeling of calmness touches my mind. Away from bustling city life, it is a tranquil place surrounded by tea gardens and forest.
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   Complete Kaziranga Tour Packages trip with a Jeep Safari as well as an Elephant Safari from the jungle. We spent the afternoon with a trip to Kaziranga Orchid Park and little the chilly night enjoying a bonfire and watching local dancing performance. Though my heart craved for longer and cried from inside saying I wish to stay longer here but because of lack of time I have to leave such a heaven.
 8. Guwahati
 It's a riverine city flecked with many temples.
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   If I state Guwahati is a frequent city just like any other contemporary cities in India, I can't justify the virtues of Guwahati city. So I have to list it in a few of the fascinating town in India. The night time is the most charming in Guwahati and when it's accompanied with a gentle drizzle then you lost yourself. I forget all of my laziness by enjoying such a beautiful evening sitting around the bank of the Brahmaputra River.
 I spend the entire day seeing Assam state museum, Umananda temple (the temple situated on a little island) and also Kamakhya temple. Kamakhya temple can be found on top of a little hill. Book North East India Tour and enjoy the scenic view of the entire city.
 9. Manas National Park
Located 140 km from Guwahati, Manas national park is still just another charming federal park in Assam. It is not much commercialized as Kaziranga but you can delight in staying at a wild hotel inside Manas National Park. It is possible to listen to the giggle of the river passing by and observe the sound of creatures at night. It's an out of the world encounter.
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 The night we spent Manas was the very exciting one. We stayed in a bungalow in the park. It is called Mathanguri Forest Lodge constructed during Britishers period. My Safari in the park was also very exciting. We saw peacocks dancing beautifully in their whole grandeur and a herd of wild elephants which become very furious after missing one baby elephant. They hunt for the baby here and there in complete distress. Afterwards we spot the young goddess a few kilometres away looking tirelessly to find their family. All these innocent stories forced me to go back to the jungle again and again.
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futurestrong ¡ 5 years ago
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Adding a little Classroom Magic for learning
Dr Kathryn Murray
Education Specialist, Author, Global Speaker.
Do you remember Bewitched, the 1970s TV show? Samantha the good witch could wiggle her nose and change any situation possible. What about Tinker Bell from the classic children’s story, Peter Pan? She could sprinkle magic fairy dust to make people fly and the world a different place. When my children were younger, I would stealthily sprinkle ‘fairy dust’ into their school shoes at the beginning of each school year to give them confidence and remind them that magical things could happen at school.
What if we could wave a magic wand and give our classrooms a make over that meant learning was enriched and all teachers and children were engaged and connected.  What if behaviour issues were reduced, literacy and numeracy skill development was increased, children’s interests linked them to the curriculum, strong relationships were built, responsibility and ownership was encouraged?
While we don’t have a magic wand, we do have research in neuroscience and development that explains the importance of activating the brain through the design of our learning spaces. The learning environment includes inside the classroom, the veranda/patio, the playground – anywhere children use in the school day.
In his book, Brain Rules, John Medina describes 12 brain rules to explain what children and adults need to stay focused, motivated, engaged, stimulated and in love with learning. For example, Brain Rule #6 ‘we don’t pay attention to boring things’ and Brain Rule #12 ‘we are powerful and natural explorers’ are just two of the 12 that relate to how we set up and use our teaching spaces.
Designing classrooms and outdoor spaces that are non-institutionalised, warm, inviting, related to children’s interests and linked to the curriculum promotes engaged and individualised learning. Having open ended materials in each of several learning spaces inside or outside the classroom, allows children to expand their thinking, problem solve, use language or literacy to communicate ideas, negotiate, plan, imagine and direct their learning with the guidance by the teacher.
Children need to:
- move around the classroom after short periods of sitting;
- calmly engage in rich, non-threatening learning spaces so that any performance based anxiety is reduced; and
-be provided with opportunities to repeat skills several times to build long term memory and skill acquisition.
These few strategies relate to research in neuroscience with links to Brain Rule #2 ‘movement and exercise boosts brain power’, #4 ‘stressed brains don’t learn the same way’ and #7 ‘repeat skills to remember’.  
As teachers, we need to consider the research that explores the nature of learning and whether it is performance or process based. Performance based learning has the undercurrent of fear – there is pressure to succeed, get a good grade, win the race. On the other hand, process based learning focuses on the learning that occurs during the activity – what is the thinking behind the answer to the maths problem, what was learnt getting 5/10 in the spelling, how did it feel when you ran and what might you do next time? Providing a learning environment that is non-threatening and offers a range of relevant and interesting materials to supplement the learning from the curriculum addresses John Medina’s approach to looking after the brain and the process of learning rather than focusing only on the product.
The classroom and outside environment is a springboard that allows us to link our explicit teaching and learning to children’s experiences. Neuroscience plays a key role in the design and planning of your room and outside space. If we could wave a magic wand and set up our learning spaces differently to the standard classroom or outside space, then these top ten strategies may be what we would see.
Top Ten Classroom Magic Design Strategies.
1. Use layers and textures to make each learning space interesting so that it invites the child into the area and engages their curiosity and wonder.
2. Lower the roof line of your classroom or outside area with draped material, streamers, lattice hung horizontally, beach umbrellas.
3. Make small, home like, cosy spaces with floor rugs, table and floor lamps, cushions and soft materials.
4. Define small spaces for 1, 2, 3 or 4 children with mats, lattice, hessian, trellis, organza curtaining.
5. Pay attention to detail and have tidy organised spaces with a feature point for interest and stimulus.
6. Become an ‘op shopper’ or frequent the $2 shops and always be ‘on the look out’ for natural resources (seed pods, leaves, feathers).
7. Select developmentally appropriate items for the learning spaces that reflect real life, eg., china crockery (from the op shop) instead of plastic for the Kindy room.
8. Ensure that there are clip boards with paper and pencils in every learning space around the room to promote literacy and numeracy opportunities.
9. Plan for skill development in every area based on child, centre and community interests by adding extension materials.
10. When defining spaces make sure that your view of the children is not totally obstructed - use trellis or lattice from Bunnings/hardware store, sheer curtaining, open weave hessian, positioning of partitions.
Don’t forget to ensure that there is a mat somewhere in your classroom for small and whole group meetings. A gathering space to share learning and teaching successes.
possibilities for learning are opened up when we think a little differently about our teaching and learning spaces. Having a warm, home like environment helps children to feel secure and open to building relationships and taking a risk in their learning. An interesting classroom or outside area inspires us as teachers and does the same for children. I invite you to join the Classroom Magic Movement and try the top ten strategies. Let me know how you go!
Where to from here?
If you want to know more, then I’d love to connect with you! Contact me through my website www.futurestrongeducation.com OR join me on our Facebook page – Future Strong Education.
Dr Kathryn Murray has worked with children and families for 35 years as a teacher, researcher and university lecturer. Kathy is the CEO of Future Strong Education supporting parents and children through workshops and speaking engagements.
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queenlizzyxxxx ¡ 4 years ago
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QUEEN LIZZYS ASCENSION
ITS QUEEN LIZZY BABY!!! I’m QUEEN LIZZY and my new album LIZZY just dropped!!! xxxx THANK YOU FOR ALL THE LOVE FOR MY NEW ALBUM LIZZY. THIS MEANS SO MUCH TO ME. I MADE THIS FOR YOU GUYS!!! THANK YOU TO EVERY COLLABORATOR. THANK YOU FOR TRUSTING ME. THIS IS THE BEST ALBUM EVER. I LOVE YOU ALL!!! 💕💓 [1] Another light o’ love! [2] Polish! Polish! Polish! [3] Baby, i’m candier than candy more chrome than chrome will [4] love you [5] more [6] than your [7] girl! [8] (than your girl) i will bring you home (bring you home) im more sparkle than sparkle im lovelier than love come on baby, i will get you off (get you off) Another light o’ love! [9] And i will sparkle when broken [10] absorb the glaze! [11] You see it shine? [12] absorb the glaze! [13] you’re so damn fine! babe, i’m all sugar for you [14] I am polished [15] I am polished [16] I am polished [17] I will make your head go swirl! Baby, i’m candier than candy more chrome than chrome will [18] love you [19] more [20] than your [21] girl! [22] (than your girl) i will bring you home (bring you home) im more sparkle than sparkle im lovelier than love come on baby, i will get you off (get you off) Another night o’ love! [23] CHAMBERS Alexis was listening to his favorite Popstar QUEEN LIZZY’s new single „Candy“ as he saw the notification in his inbox.  „MY PRETTIEST ANGEL! YOU’VE BEEN SUCH A LOVELY BOY! YOU EARNED YOUR SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART AND I WANT YOU TO BE THERE AT THE BANQUET BEFORE MY CONCERT TODAY! XXXX YOUR LIZZY“ „you are now in posession for an exclusive access code to QUEEN LIZZY’s ceremony“ Alexis was rapturing in joy. He closed the doors to his room. After all this time, he could finally be there as well. Be at the ceremony with everyone else. See the things he only heard myths about. Alexis put on his glasses and scanned LIZZY’s gift.  Alexis wanted to see her for real this time. While the livestream was loading he hummed along the refrain of LIZZY’s newest single „Candy“ and joy filled his soul.   When he opened his eyes he instantly felt, that, when standing outside the stage, aura is affirmed absolutely. [24] Alexis sensed, that life inside this building is fractured to the extent that it could not conceivably be part of a single scenario: on the 82nd floor a donkey shrinks back from the void, on the 81st a cosmopolitan couple hail a plane. [25] The expected pyramidal composition was reversed; the center, a void between the masses on either side, which became a “split pair.” [26]One could speak of this pair as a diamond. [27] Inside the stage, a void that is not a nothingness but a virtual, containing all possible particles and drawing out all possible forms, which spring up only to disappear immediately, without consistency or reference, without consequence. Chaos as an infinite speed of birth and disappearance. [28] But These dynamical models unfolded the Baroque void, or infinite determinism, into specificity. [29] All sensation is composed with the void in composing itself with itself, and everything holds together on earth and in the air, and preserves the void, is preserved in the void by preserving itself. [30] The absolute emptiness of the absolute plenitude that fascinates from the outside, to be the circular, voluble vertigo of that nothingness and that being, to be at once the total abolition that is an enslaved consciousness and the supreme glory - that is a stage for QUEEN LIZZY. [31] When Alexis slowly walked forth, with his back turned to Notre Dame and facing QUEEN LIZZY’s stage, an entrance as pulchritudinous as a Sirene, emerged itself out of seeming nothingness.He entered a great, radiant space, with diffuse light that is slowly revealed in it and that reveals that easy simultaneity of distinct perfections, synthesis of the vague with the precise. [32] The Baroque fold unfurled all the way to infinity. [33] Countlessness was part of the point: he was dizzied by infinity. [34] Alexis stared Into the void. [35] Looking for holes, looking for openings.  But“Holes” only indicate more subtle foldings. In that instant, he started to understand the principle, that there are no voids, that here everything is included in a single expressive continuum. [36] Alexis felt, that the myriad of things started to project themselves into the evolving space around him. He started to feel space. In the beginning, there was only darkness. But out of the darkness a light emerged. He felt, that it was her - but not yet. Slowly the light emerged and it got brighter when she slowly moved through space. He started to see silhouettes. He started to see colors.  It was the queens’ most baroque fantasies of glamour and stardom. [37]Light crystalline notes seemed to emerge out of the silence which accompanied the Queens glide. Somehow out of nothingness a choir as perfectly clear cut like colorful marble in the most beautiful patterns emerged. Alexis saw her gliding along the ground from far away, although he felt like he saw one short glance of her eyes going to his direction.  He glared at the fabric falling down upon her like a thin, ultra light continuous skin—clearly visible. What was especially miraculous was that especially from inside he saw the building move towards a "textile like" definition of architectonic space. [38] The ornament felt like folded embroidery encapsulated in astonishing ecstasy of colorful marble and indistinguishable textures of golden and platinum figures illuminating the fabric upon they seemed to be appended. Everything seemed like it was flickering. Flickering like a soft but strong candlelight, giving the structure a pulse. All colors seemed enhanced and the details exaggerated which made it even more dazzling in Alexis’s eyes. In the midst, his queen.  Adjacent to her path there were two banquets, with shining pearl-white layers of fabric. Filled with all the plenty of things. She seemed to be absorbing the banquet, while Alexis now knew. These heavens do not proclaim the glory of God. [39] But the heavens of his Queen.  QUEEN LIZZY.  He listened closely and let these heavenly halls enter his heart while he witnessed her, slowly vanishing the chamber. She seemed to have ingested everything she needed for todays concert, as she ascended into another chamber. For the next chamber, Alexis knew, he was not worthy enough yet. He could only imagine the things that lied beyond these magnificent gates. Alexis knew, that he needed to see her again tomorrow. And now he finally had the access code to the banquet, so he knew it was possible to see her whole ceremony, to really get to know her. And maybe. Maybe he will see her on stage someday. The magnificent stage next to the Seine, seemingly born from one of Bosch’s paintings seemed to set everything around into a dreamlike state of exuberance. Leaving even the most polished buildings around it appear to be rusted. United with all his fellow Angels, Standing in front of Notre Dame. See his QUEEN LIZZY face Notre Dame, while he, Alexis faces his LIZZY.  And perhaps, he longed. Perhaps one day. One day i might meet her in reality.  „THIS STREAM HAS ENDED! WITNESS QUEEN LIZZY AGAIN TOMORROW!“ Somber but ecstatic, Alexis takes off his glasses and puts on his favorite music, while leaving his flat for an evening stroll at the Seine. Queen Lizzy is breathless at the bacchanal  bewitched, senses submerged, her image mirrored, her mind  magicked, her emotions  modulated magnified unmoderated and maybe  immodest, herself  multiplied [40] Music sprays an anaesthetic cloud over things and drug used to spare us the terror of the real. [41] It is these traits that enable it to go anywhere, to go everywhere, into site and psyche alike, to appear ever fascinating yet ever harmless even as it plies its undermining subterfuges and sly deceits [42]. Forces come and go, from and in all directions. [43] Where do we want to go? [44] Remember: Icarus flew away, toward the sun. [45] One sees the burning heat of the sun scorch the wings of the wretched young man, as the blazing fire smokes, and one can almost hear the crackling of the burning feathers, while death can be seen sculpted on the face of Icarus, and on that of Daedalus his emotion and sharp pain. [46] Historically, thousands of subjects have done so, suffering, killing themselves, dressing, perfuming themselves, writing as if they were Werther. [47] The baroque dramatist clings fervently to the world. [48] We are expecting a move toward a falling in sync with the architecture of the Baroque, but on different levels of abstraction. [49] Contemporary time, however, can sustain these baroque illusions. [50] Today, Maximum is the ultimate ornament, the most self righteous crime, the contemporary Baroque. [51] the whole building is the decoration. [52] And Delicate bronze allegorical figures adorn the case. [53] We have seen roofs made of copper, glass, and gold, and elegantly decorated with ceilings gilded or coffered in gold, and picked out with sculpted crowns and flowers, and even statues. [54] We are in excess. [55] And excess produces virtuality. [56] By the early twenty first century, our time, a mythic time, we are all chimeras, theorized and fabricated hybrids of machine and organism; in short, we are cyborgs. The cyborg is our ontology. [57] Whereas the musical call rises from noise to meaning while avoiding both.  Vibrating softness and the hammer’s hardness. [58] Life is excess. [59] This surplus of absence, the place of nothing, when exaggerated threatens all meaning with indifference. [60] But the lights have to go on again. [61]Exactly, In indifference, the excess becomes manifest. [62] A modern ritual, a modern Bacchanalia, escalation, excess. [63] So here we go. [64] This is Queen Lizzy. If you want sex, why not go get it? [65] If dolphins go extinct, why worry? [66] If we’re all going to drown, why not jump from the highest heights and feel the rush of adrenaline? We’ll learn diving eventually. And  The point turns into a baroque pearl. [67] flashes of inspiration  fascinations colours, glitter  decadences balls: exuberances  festivals and  congregations, close  communions travel at the speed of sound, lightspeed  communication instantaneous pools of commonality the vibe and exultation, the  euphoria the sharpwit razor of precision, the  ingeniousness the shared experience the climactic joy, the sacred orgasm of life [68] When will we stop apologizing for being romantic? Why not now? Here and now? Right now. We populate the desert with singing trees and unruly blackbirds. We leave the cynical laughter behind and no longer hesitate to be naive. The cliché is not kitsch, it is simply beautiful. [69] Let's follow the hedonism creed, kick the whole world off, get out of work, go to bed, and join together with your "great Louis XIV" to shake this hypocritical world into a bright sky. [70] Ah, bless the very “false windows,” so valued as decoration and so useless in a building of artificial light and ventilation! [71] This possible world is not real, or not yet, but it exists nonetheless: it is an expressed that exists only in its expression — the face, or an equivalent of the face. [72] Then, we built churches in excess for a common belief in an artificial persona. God. Tomorrow, we will build in excess because it represents living in a world where the power lies within the plenty. The plenty is excess and she give birth to it by giving it a face in physical space. From nihilism, hedonism emerges and they will dance together in euphoria like Dionysus did with his followers.  She will acquire the plethora and give the acceleration a purpose. It is time to stop holding on to flag poles standing in the current. We should start to accept the drowning, to then be fulfilled by the current teaching us how to swim.  Excess is accepting. Excess is giving the power a face. She says: Come, live with me. Watch me exist. Because, we are part of it: we are a part of everything, every thing is part of us we were made by gods, but we create them we were made by the universe  we were created by energy we were created by code we are the probability we are the failure and the hope and the despair  we are the triumph of existence and that is what she is: she is Queen Lizzy [73] [1] Charli XCX Reddit AMA [2 ] Hugo, Notre Dame de Paris [3] Alberti, 10 books of architecture 1755 [4] Cicero, Tusculan Disputations [5] Sedlacek, Economics of Good and Evil [6] Aristotle, Poetics [7] Leibniz, Theodicy [8] Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra [9] Hugo, Notre Dame de Paris [10] Bacon, Novum Organum [11] Alberti, On the Art of Building in Ten Books 1988 [12] Asimov, Complete Robot Anthology [13] Alberti, On the Art of Building in Ten Books 1988 [14] Bacon, Novum Organum [15] Alberti, 10 books of architecture 1755 [16] Alberti, 10 books of architecture 1755 [17] Alberti, 10 books of architecture 1755 [18] Cicero, Tusculan Disputations [19] Sedlacek, Economics of Good and Evil [20] Aristotle, Poetics [21] Leibniz, Theodicy [22] Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra [23] Hugo, Notre Dame de Paris [24] Purdy, On the Ruins of Babel Architectural Metaphor in G [25] Hays, Architecture Theory since 1968 [26] Hays, Architecture Theory since 1968 [27]Harman, Towards Speculative Realism [28] Deleuze Guattari, What Is Philosophy [29] Hovestadt Buehlmann, EigenArchitecture [30] Deleuze Guattari, What Is Philosophy [31] Foucault, History of Madness [32] Blanchot, The Book to Come [33] Kaup, Neobaroque in the Americas Alternative Modernitie [34] Moore, Why We Build [35] Deleuze Guattari, A Thousand Plateaus [36] Rajchman, Constructions [37] Goldsmith, Capital New York Capital of the 20th Century [38] Acocella, Stone Architecture Ancient and Modern Construction Skills [39] Tsoukala, Intersections of Space and Ethos Routledge Resear [40] Buehlmann Hovestadt, Quantum City [41] Serres, The Incandescent [42] Sykes, Constructing A New Agenda [43] Spuybroek, The Sympathy of Things [44] Serres, Hominescence [45] Hays, Architecture Theory since 1968 [46] Vasari, The Lives of the Artists [47] Barthes, A Lover s Discourse Fragments [48] Hays, Architecture Theory since 1968 [49] Buehlmann Hovestadt, Coding as Literacy [50] Hays, Architecture Theory since 1968 [51] Sykes, Constructing A New Agenda [52] Ockmann, Architecture Culture 1943 1968 [53] Saunders, The Art and Architecture of London [4] Alberti, On the Art of Building in Ten Books 1988 [55] Zizek, Less Than Nothing [56] Schumacher, The Autopoiesis of Architecture Vol 2 [57] Haraway, Cyborg Manifesto [58] Serres, Statues [59] Negarestani Mackay, Collapse Volume VII [60] Doyle Savic Buehlmann, Ghosts of Transparency [61] Hays, Architecture Theory since 1968 [62] Doyle Savic Buehlmann, Ghosts of Transparency [63] Serres, The Birth of Physics [64] Hofstadter, I Am a Strange Loop [65] Spuybroek, The Sympathy of Things [66] Morton, Hyperobjects [67] Buehlmann Hovestadt, Symbolizing Existence [68] Buehlmann Hovestadt, Quantum City [69] Camille de Toledo, in: Goodbye Tristesse, 2005 [70] Louis XIV Show [71] Asimov, Complete Robot Anthology [72] Deleuze Guattari, What Is Philosophy [73] Buehlmann Hovestadt, Quantum City
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magically-strange ¡ 7 years ago
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Costumed Craving...
part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8, part 9, part 10, part 11, part 12, part 13, part 14, part 15, part 16
Not long after Marianne’s wound had healed, leaving the same red mark on her that marred Bog’s pale skin, the fledgling incubus sluggishly raised himself to gaze down into her eyes.  She adored how his new nocturnally favoring biology made the exquisite blue of his eyes even brighter; they almost glowed in the dim light.  Mesmerized and divinely sated, she nearly missed his rumbling whisper:
“Hi.”
Smiling, she pressed a simple, but no less loving kiss to his bloodstained lips.
“Hey.”
He touched his forehead to hers, nuzzling her affectionately and a low, purring sound passed between them for a few seconds...
…until Bog reared back in surprise, realizing that the noise was apparently coming from deep within his own chest!
Marianne giggled and stroked his cheek.
“Yeah, you can do that now too.”
Bog blinked and slowly nodded his understanding.  Still, the interruption had perhaps not killed the mood, per say, but it had surrendered to the march of the clock and grown more focused.  
Holding in a mewl as Bog pulled out and sat by her hip, facing away from her, Marianne sat up, stretched and reached for him-, but stopped short.  
Maybe it was the slight change in the air’s texture, or the faintest hint of tension she noticed in the chords of muscle in his neck, but all at once she was frozen and like a broken faucet, worry began to drip into her stomach all over again as she waited for him to speak.
.
.
.
“I guess I was a bit overeager.”  Bog said at last.
“S’alright, pretty sure I was on board the whole time, and leading.”  Marianne quipped, shifting somewhat for a better view of his bowed profile.  “How’s your craving?”
“Gone; completely.”
Relieved, but not knowing what else to say, she just absentmindedly rubbed his arm for a moment.  Eventually, Bog’s fingers came up to cover her own, ceasing her movements.  
“This can’t happen again, Marianne, not fer a while.”  
The leak in Marianne’s gut turned into a veritable flood of dread, and she would’ve recoiled had Bog not held her hand fast and met her stricken expression right away with hard sincerity.
“I love ye, Marianne.” He stated in a gruff voice that was free of doubt.  “Dorn’t ye dare ever think otherwise.  I know what it meant to bite ye, an’ I know exactly why I did it; I was in control of all my…Lilin faculties, but I haven’t lost my human reason.  Yes, I dorn’t wanna feed off anyone, but more than anythin’, I do know I wanna be with ye…I’m jus’……no’ ready yet.”
Marianne’s lips pursed to keep her sorrow reined.  
“I need time to myself, to get used to this; to learn everything I can,” Bog explained gently, “but I have to like it without yer influence.  I should embrace it all fer itself…an’ no’ because yer some kinda predestined prize that comes with it.  It’s only fair.  Do ye see what I mean?”
She certainly did, and in more painful ways than one.  The trust between them had been damaged; thankfully, not destroyed, but it needed healing. And the very least she could do for him at this point was respect his wishes.  Even if it was excruciating to do so.  
How ironic; she’d kept the truth from him, and now he was keeping himself from her.    
“Okay…” she croaked, “…I…I understand.”
“Do ye?”
“Yes.  I don’t like it, but I understand it.”
Bog brushed some of her hair behind her ear.  
“…I’m no’ tryin’ to punish ye, Marianne.”
“I know that.  I say I’d deserve it if you were anyway, but…we both know I’m dramatic like that.”
He pecked her temple, and she felt her tears clambering for release, but she managed to keep herself together.  She needed to be strong, for both their sakes.  
Eventually, they stood up together and redressed in silence until she excused herself to go into the locker room to retrieve his dried pants.  Holding the warm Levi’s in her hands, she paused and allowed herself to be ridiculously sentimental by pressing her cheeks against the rough material, inhaling his scent deep into her lungs for fear of forgetting its bewitching aroma.
Come on, Tough Girl.  You know it won’t be forever.  Besides, you’ve got your own life and responsibilities.  You’ll be busy replacing your ring floor, for starters. Looks like you let a pack of wolverines loose in there.  
Steeling herself, she returned to the main part of the gym where Bog was waiting for her.
“Hey, quick question.” He said as he put on his jeans.  
“Yes?”
“Did Dawn make Sunny like you made me?”
“Yeah, she did.”
“I see.  Would ye mind…textin’ me Sunny’s number then?  If he’s up fer it, I’d like to have him around fer advice, since he’s experienced the transformation firsthand.”
“Oh, s-sure; that’s a good idea.  I’ll let him know.”  
“Thanks.”
“…I love you, Bog.”
He folded her into his arms and kissed her fiercely.
Wanting to stretch her final minutes with Bog to their maximum, she almost offered him a ride home, only to remember that that would be quite impossible, since she’d flown to the gym tonight.  Having wings was a great way to save on gas, a helpful fact she never thought she’d find herself cursing one day.  
All too soon, they were standing together in the open front doorway, unbothered by the chill of the final dark hour as it died for the morning.  The city was incrementally stirring to life around them, a stark contrast to the supernatural couple’s aching but necessary gloom.  
They did not speak.  
They did not share a glance.  
Just three words before he stole into the empty streets...
“Goodbye, Tough Girl.”
The sun rose on her weary and crestfallen eyes, still watching well after her soulmate had vanished into the fading shadows.    
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thepennydarling ¡ 5 years ago
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Happy (rainy) Wednesday, Penny Darlings!
We are bewitchingly close to the big spooky day, and as All Hallows’ Eve approaches – I am doing all the things I’m supposed to be doing. I’ve watched Hocus Pocus, drank ALL the PSLs, stocked up on candy for trick-or-treaters, and most importantly: got some costumes!
Now, if you’re like me, then I’m sorry.
Ha! Just kidding!
But seriously, I have CURLY CURLY CURLY hair and it is TOUGH to style. It doesn’t hold style very well (it’s also SUPER fine and silky!), it gets frizzy the second I start sweating or thinking about humidity, and it deflates to being totally flat in under an hour.
I’m also not that great at doing really inventive hairstyles – but I love an excuse to do my hair up nice and fancy or to get to experiment with something new. I knew that I definitely needed something to beat the heat, humidity, frizz, and last my whole Halloween party long: so obvious choice is: Not Your Mother’s She’s a Tease Volumizing Hairspray!  (which you can shop at your local Ulta, CVS & a million other places!)
If you don’t have curly hair, don’t want curly hair, etc. these tips and styles should still work (with some slight variations) and you can totally just ignore step one!
  Step One
For my hair looks, I started out with “day to day” hair treatment to get my curls looking fly with my Not Your Mother’s line! I did a whole post on this back in the spring – so check out my step by step process here!
A little mini-review for the TL;DR-type-readers:
After washing (or rinsing) my hair until it is totally wet, I wrap in a cotton t-shirt (SO much better for curls than a towel!), then spray some Beach Babe Texturizing Spray near the roots. Next, I scrunch my hair from tip to root to give it a little boost. Next, a decent dollop of Curl Talk Defining Cream followed by more scrunching. Third, you guessed it, another scrunch with Curl Talk Curl Activating Mousse. Then I let it air-dry!
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  Cinderella
This is one I’ve been wanting to tackle for awhile now!
So for this look, I had all the ingredients (like a dress and shoes!), but I was trying to get an easy bun with a bit of a bump in the front for the classic princess look!
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how to get that royally perfect bun
Step 1: Listed above. Follow it. Believe. Step 2: Once hair is dry, apply a healthy layer of She’s a Tease Volumizing Hairspray Step 3: Take a comb (I used a regular comb, but a teasing comb with have worked better) and comb on your top-most layer of hair. Step 4: Put your hair in a ponytail. Step 5: Loop the ponytail halfway through the holder, creating a messy bun. Separate * fluff to desired bun size. Step 6: More hairspray Step 7: Take your index fingers from your hairline back to the bun, lifting a small section, but not so much that it falls out of the bun to create a small bump or lift in front Step 8: More hairspray Step 9: Finish with a ribbon (or scrunchie, like I did) for that royal bun with the bump Step 10: One last layer of hairspray all around the hairline (for any frizz or flyaways!).
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Fun Fact: while taking this photo, a group of probably 30-40 Italian & French tourists walked by Preston & I at the exact moment I kicked off my shoe (pictured below). They all stopped and took pictures and videos on their iPad and phones of us! #MortifiedButLaughing –  And a lovely young Italian man with bleach blonde & yellow hair wearing a leather vest yelled: “Slaaaay Queen” in the HEAVIEST ITALIAN ACCENT of all time. I cannot express how awesome it was! (hence my intense laughter in this pic!)
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  Bew*tched!
I grew up totally obsessed with Samantha on Bewitched. I thought she was so rad and her costumes were totally envy-inducing. I was forever trying to wiggle my nose and see if any magic happened.
For this hair look, I wanted a softer, more brushed out, and looser blonde curls to pair with this retro dress & vintage sofa!
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Step 1: I literally just told all of you what step one is. Scroll back up, ya nerd! Step 2: Wait for hair to completely dry! Step 3: Spray (dry) hair with She’s a Tease Volumizing Hairspray & let dry Step 4: Brush out curls – STOP 1-2 INCHES BEFORE THE ENDS! Don’t brush THROUGH your hair. Step 5: More She’s a Tease Volumizing Hairspray Step 6: Repeat brush process from the under side of hair, leaving tips unbrushed. *When you split the ends, that’s when the frizz gets crazy for me and the ‘bushy’ hair starts – by not brushing the tips, it only softens the curls in the middle.* Step 7: Spray underside of hair
You are on your way to a nose-wiggling good time!
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Britney Spears
Obvi, a 90’s queen had to make this list – so I went ALLLLLLLL the way back to the most iconic music video of all time* – Hit Me Baby One More Time
*not a fact
I wanted to do her iconic pink hair scrunchies mixed with pigtails. My hair is a little too short to make the braided version work – so I did a variation with pigtails!
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get those iconic 90’s pigtails
Step 1: Listed above, for real, get it together. Step 2: Separate dry hair into two sections and gather towards the shoulders. Step 3: With small elastic bands create two ponytails just above and behind your ears. Step 4: When tightening them, pull at a wide angle to create some volume. Step 5: Spray with She’s a Tease Volumizing Hairspray Step 6: *OPTIONAL* braid both pigtails and tie at the end with small elastic bands. My hair CAN’T do this, so I modified and that’s totally fine! Step 7: Obvi, spray that hair – braided or unbraided – it’s gotta survive your Halloween plans! Step 8: Accessorize! I got my pink scrunchies at Claire’s in the mall, and when I told the girl what I needed them for (Britney Spears costume) she went, “Who?” and I nearly DIED ON THE SPOT OF OLD AGE. Step 9: One last spritz of She’s a Tease Volumizing Hairspray for hold & for good luck! Ha!
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  TA-DA! Those are my Halloween hair looks.
…for those of us who are only okay at doing our own hair, welcome friends. Ha!
Double bonus: I can pick these up at CVS or Ulta, just around the corner, without breaking the bank!
I find my hair to be such a big part of my confidence and my femininity that I love to take care of it and find products I can stick with for a long time and use again after I’m done being spooky. I hate buying products that I use once and then end up sitting around until they’re crusty – get some supplies that last!
Seriously, switch out your hair towel for a tee and thank me later!
Everyone – be safe & spooky & awesome & haunted & make good choices & look cute & don’t forget to put an extra coat of hairspray on & eat candy.
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  *this post is sponsored by Not Your Mother’s Brand, however all thoughts and opinions are my own!*
SO HERE’S THE “END OF BLOG” SPIEL!
If you are at all interested in doing a collab or working with me – please feel free to check out my new Contact Me! page!
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If you want to follow my darling, Preston – you can click here!
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Thank you for all that you do. You are truly extraordinary.
Love all you wonderful ladies (and gents!) out there!
How Very,
Abby
3 Super Easy-DIY Halloween Hair Looks Happy (rainy) Wednesday, Penny Darlings! We are bewitchingly close to the big spooky day, and as All Hallows' Eve approaches - I am doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing.
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queenlizzyxxxx ¡ 4 years ago
Text
QUEEN LIZZYS ASCEND
ITS QUEEN LIZZY BABY!!! I’m QUEEN
LIZZY and my new album LIZZY just dropped!!! xxxx
THANK YOU FOR ALL THE LOVE FOR MY NEW ALBUM LIZZY. THIS MEANS SO MUCH TO ME. I MADE THIS FOR YOU GUYS!!! THANK YOU TO EVERY COLLABORATOR. THANK YOU FOR TRUSTING ME. THIS IS THE BEST ALBUM EVER. I LOVE YOU ALL!!! 💕💓
[1]
Baby, i’m candier than candy
more chrome than chrome
will love you more than your girl
i will bring you home (bring you home)
im more sparkle than sparkle
im lovelier than love
come on baby, i will get you off (get you off)
I'm hard on the outside
But if you give me time
Then I could make time for your love
I'm hard on the outside
But if you see inside, inside, inside [2]
Red and chrome All the broken glass sparkling I guess we're partying [3]
I got Chrome Hearts hangin' from my neck
(I got Chrome Hearts hangin' from my neck) 
[4]
That soft pink matter
Cotton candy, Majin Buu, oh, oh, ohh
Close my eyes and fall into you, you, you [5]
I got my red dress on tonight Dancin' in the dark in the pale moonlight
Done my hair up real big, beauty queen style
High heels off, I'm feelin' alive [6]
And a lust for life, and a lust for life And a lust for life, and a lust for life Keeps us alive, keeps us alive Keeps us alive, keeps us alive [7]
You want a real taste At least I'm not a fake
You want a real taste At least I'm not a fake [8]
Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh [9]
Baby, i’m candier than candy
more chrome than chrome
will love you more than your girl
i will bring you home (bring you home)
im more sparkle than sparkle
im lovelier than love
come on baby, i will get you off (get you off)
You want a real taste At least I'm not a fake
You want a real taste At least I'm not a fake [10]
Alexis was listening to his favorite Popstar QUEEN LIZZY’s new single „Candy“ as he saw the notification in his inbox. 
„MY PRETTIEST ANGEL! YOU’VE BEEN SUCH A LOVELY BOY! YOU EARNED YOUR SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART AND I WANT YOU TO BE THERE AT THE BANQUET BEFORE MY CONCERT TODAY!
XXXX YOUR LIZZY“
„you are now in posession for an exclusive access code to QUEEN LIZZY’s ceremony“
Alexis was rapturing in joy. He closed the doors to his room. After all this time, he could finally be there as well. Be at the ceremony with everyone else. See the things he only heard myths about. Alexis put on his glasses and scanned LIZZY’s gift. 
Alexis wanted to see her for real this time. While the livestream was loading he hummed along the refrain of LIZZY’s newest single „Candy“ and joy filled his soul.  
When he opened his eyes he instantly felt, that, when standing inside the villa, aura is affirmed absolutely. [1]
In the beginning, there was darkness. But out of the darkness a light emerged. He felt, that it was her - but not yet. Slowly the light emerged and it got brighter when she slowly moved through space. He started to see silhouettes. He started to see colors. 
It was the queens’ most baroque fantasies of glamour and stardom. [2]
Light crystalline notes seemed to emerge out of the silence which accompanied the Queens glide. Somehow out of nothingness a choir as perfectly clear cut like colorful marble in the most beautiful patterns emerged.
Alexis saw her gliding along the ground from far away, although he felt like he saw one short glance of her eyes going to his direction. 
He glared at the fabric falling down upon her like a thin, ultra light continuous skin—clearly visible. What was especially miraculous was that especially from inside he saw the building move towards a "textile like" definition of architectonic space. [3]
The ornament felt like folded embroidery encapsulated in astonishing ecstasy of colorful marble and indistinguishable textures of golden and platinum figures illuminating the fabric upon they seemed to be appended. Everything seemed like it was flickering. Flickering like a soft but strong candlelight, giving the structure a pulse. All colors seemed enhanced and the details exaggerated which made it even more dazzling in Alexis’s eyes.
In the midst, his queen. 
Adjacent to her path there were two banquets, with shining pearl-white layers of fabric. Filled with all the plenty of things.
She seemed to be absorbing the banquet, while Alexis now knew.
These heavens do not proclaim the glory of God. [4]
But the heavens of his Queen. 
QUEEN LIZZY. 
He listened closely and let these heavenly halls enter his heart while he witnessed her, slowly vanishing the chamber. She seemed to have ingested everything she needed for todays concert, as she ascended into another chamber. For the next chamber, Alexis knew, he was not worthy enough yet. He could only imagine the things that lied beyond these magnificent gates.
Alexis knew, that he needed to see her again tomorrow. And now he finally had the access code to the banquet, so he knew it was possible to see her whole ceremony, to really get to know her. And maybe. Maybe he will see her on stage someday. The magnificent stage next to the Seine, seemingly born from one of Bosch’s paintings seemed to set everything around into a dreamlike state of exuberance. Leaving even the most polished buildings around it appear to be rusted.
United with all his fellow Angels, Standing in front of Notre Dame. See his QUEEN LIZZY face Notre Dame, while he, Alexis faces his LIZZY. 
And perhaps, he longed. Perhaps one day. One day i might meet her in reality. 
„THIS STREAM HAS ENDED! WITNESS QUEEN LIZZY AGAIN TOMORROW!“
Somber but ecstatic, Alexis takes off his glasses and puts on his favorite music, while
leaving his flat for an evening stroll at the Seine.
Queen Lizzy is
breathless
at the bacchanal 
bewitched, senses
submerged, her image
mirrored, her mind 
magicked, her emotions 
modulated
magnified
unmoderated and maybe 
immodest, herself 
multiplied [1]
Music sprays an anaesthetic cloud over things and drug used to spare us the terror of the real. [1] It is these traits that enable it to go anywhere, to go everywhere, into site and psyche alike, to appear ever fascinating yet ever harmless even as it plies its undermining subterfuges and sly deceits [2]. Forces come and go, from and in all directions. [3]
Where do we want to go? [4]
Remember: Icarus flew away, toward the sun. [5] One sees the burning heat of the sun scorch the wings of the wretched young man, as the blazing fire smokes, and one can almost hear the crackling of the burning feathers, while death can be seen sculpted on the face of Icarus, and on that of Daedalus his emotion and sharp pain. [6]
Historically, thousands of subjects have done so, suffering, killing themselves, dressing, perfuming themselves, writing as if they were Werther. [7]
The baroque dramatist clings fervently to the world. [8]
We are expecting a move toward a falling in sync with the architecture of the Baroque, but on different levels of abstraction. [9]
Contemporary time, however, can sustain these baroque illusions. [10]
Today, Maximum is the ultimate ornament, the most self righteous crime, the contemporary Baroque. [11]
the whole building is the decoration. [12]
And Delicate bronze allegorical figures adorn the case. [13] We have seen roofs made of copper, glass, and gold, and elegantly decorated with ceilings gilded or coffered in gold, and picked out with sculpted crowns and flowers, and even statues. [14]
We are in excess. [15]
And excess produces virtuality. [16]
By the early twenty first century, our time, a mythic time, we are all chimeras, theorized and fabricated hybrids of machine and organism; in short, we are cyborgs. The cyborg is our ontology. [17]
Whereas the musical call rises from noise to meaning while avoiding both. 
Vibrating softness and the hammer’s hardness. [18]
Life is excess. [19]
This surplus of absence, the place of nothing, when exaggerated threatens all meaning with indifference. [20]
But the lights have to go on again. [21]Exactly, In indifference, the excess becomes manifest. [22]
A modern ritual, a modern Bacchanalia, escalation, excess. [23]
So here we go. [24] This is Queen Lizzy.
If you want sex, why not go get it? [25]
If dolphins go extinct, why worry? [26]
If we’re all going to drown, why not jump from the highest heights and feel the rush of adrenaline? We’ll learn diving eventually. And 
The point turns into a baroque pearl. [27]
flashes of inspiration 
fascinations
colours, glitter 
decadences
balls: exuberances 
festivals and 
congregations, close 
communions
travel at the speed of sound, lightspeed 
communication
instantaneous pools of
commonality
the vibe and exultation, the 
euphoria
the sharpwit razor of precision, the 
ingeniousness
the shared experience
the climactic joy, the
sacred orgasm of
life [28]
When will we stop apologizing for being romantic? Why not now? Here and now? Right now. We populate the desert with singing trees and unruly blackbirds. We leave the cynical laughter behind and no longer hesitate to be naive. The clichĂŠ is not kitsch, it is simply beautiful. [29]
Let's follow the hedonism creed, kick the whole world off, get out of work, go to bed, and join together with your "great Louis XIV" to shake this hypocritical world into a bright sky. [30]
Ah, bless the very “false windows,” so valued as decoration and so useless in a building of artificial light and ventilation! [31]
This possible world is not real, or not yet, but it exists nonetheless: it is an expressed that exists only in its expression — the face, or an equivalent of the face. [32]
Then, we built churches in excess for a common belief in an artificial persona. God.
Tomorrow, we will build in excess because it represents living in a world where the power lies within the plenty. The plenty is excess and she give birth to it by giving it a face in physical space. From nihilism, hedonism emerges and they will dance together in euphoria like Dionysus did with his followers. 
She will acquire the plethora and give the acceleration a purpose.
It is time to stop holding on to flag poles standing in the current.
We should start to accept the drowning, to then be fulfilled by the current teaching us how to swim. 
Excess is accepting. Excess is giving the power a face.
She says: Come, live with me. Watch me exist.
Because,
we are part of it: we are
a part
of everything, every
thing
is part of us
we are the gods
we are the universe
we are the energy
we are the code
we are the probability
we are the failure and the hope and the despair 
we are the triumph
of existence
and that is what she is: she
is
Queen Lizzy [33]
[1] Charli XCX Reddit AMA
[2 ]Lady Gaga + Blackpink, Sour Candy
[3] Lorde, Dynamite
[4] The Weeknd, Escape from LA
[5] Frank Ocean, Pink Matter
[6] Lana del Rey, Summertime Sadness
[7] Lana del Rey, Lust for Life
[8] Lady Gaga + Blackpink, Sour Candy
[9] Lana del Rey, Summertime Sadness
[10] Lady Gaga + Blackpink, Sour Candy
[1] Purdy, On the Ruins of Babel Architectural Metaphor in G
[2] Goldsmith, Capital New York Capital of the 20th Century
[3] Acocella, Stone Architecture Ancient and Modern Construction Skills
[4] Tsoukala, Intersections of Space and Ethos Routledge Resear[1] Serres, The Incandescent
[1] Serres, The Incandescent
[2] Sykes, Constructing A New Agenda
[3] Spuybroek, The Sympathy of Things
[4] Serres, Hominescence
[5] Hays, Architecture Theory since 1968
[6] Vasari, The Lives of the Artists
[7] Barthes, A Lover s Discourse Fragments
[8] Hays, Architecture Theory since 1968
[9] Buehlmann Hovestadt, Coding as Literacy
[10] Hays, Architecture Theory since 1968
[11] Sykes, Constructing A New Agenda
[12] Ockmann, Architecture Culture 1943 1968
[13] Saunders, The Art and Architecture of London
[14] Alberti, On the Art of Building in Ten Books 1988
[15] Zizek, Less Than Nothing
[16] Schumacher, The Autopoiesis of Architecture Vol 2
[17] Haraway, Cyborg Manifesto
[18] Serres, Statues
[19] Negarestani Mackay, Collapse Volume VII
[20] Doyle Savic Buehlmann, Ghosts of Transparency
[21] Hays, Architecture Theory since 1968
[22] Doyle Savic Buehlmann, Ghosts of Transparency
[23] Serres, The Birth of Physics
[24] Hofstadter, I Am a Strange Loop
[25] Spuybroek, The Sympathy of Things
[26] Morton, Hyperobjects
[27] Buehlmann Hovestadt, Symbolizing Existence
[28] Buehlmann Hovestadt, Quantum City
[29] Camille de Toledo, in: Goodbye Tristesse, 2005
[30] Louis XIV Show
[31] Asimov, Complete Robot Anthology
[32] Deleuze Guattari, What Is Philosophy
[33] Buehlmann Hovestadt, Quantum City
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