#i lied when i said i didn’t like him apparently quests have firmly changed my mind i NEEEEDDDDD him

[venusandsaturnsrings]

mydei is several things, you think, firstly he’s a dedicated warrior as the crown prince of castrum kreminos. secondly, he’s got a bad habit of being snippy when he has feelings for people. thirdly, and finally, mydei is very handsome lounging in the bathhouse.

you’ve sat yourself distantly as the thought of being any closer to him while he’s even more exposed then usual and clearly pondering something very intensely makes you beyond nervous but that doesn’t stop your staring. it’s hard not to when you can see the slow rise and fall of his chest, every twitch of his eyebrows, the way his tongue shifts against his cheeks, and the half lidded gaze he’s got focused on the tiles across from him. you’re acutely aware people have noticed your staring but as long as mydei himself doesn’t take note and neither does phainon, because you know he’d snitch, everything’s fine… mostly, save for the twisting in your gut whenever his lips part and he sighs.

alas, there’s rules against getting up to anything inappropriate in the baths so in order to relieve yourself leaving is required. standing up both shamefully and in a slight hurry the water slides down your body and the thin layers of cloth keeping you covered stick to your skin. in the current circumstances it almost feels perverted to have your form so visible but you’re sure no one will bat an eye as it’s a typical sight given it’s a bathhouse and people always look like this. distracted by your own thoughts paired with the growing warmth inside yourself, you don’t even notice when a certain someone named mydei has shifted his gaze onto you. his jaw is clenched at the sight and he can’t deny the twitch he himself feels below the belt. he watches you walk towards the elevator and almost holds himself back but dented ego be damned he needs you.

your pace is quick as you leave the bathhouse to return to your own home and swallow thickly at the embarrassing amount of desperation you feel. it’s a short walk and while you’re fumbling with your keys a hand lands on your shoulder and you almost jump out of your skin. turning around quickly the face of the man you’d just been lusting over makes your brain stop briefly before having a million thoughts racing per second; surely he didn’t know? mydei has a firm gaze that only leaves momentarily to eye you up and down, the both of you still soaked having not dried off in the haste of leaving. your cheeks flush at his obvious action and it takes a lot of focus to not start grabbing at him in broad daylight. you swallow harshly a second time. he takes the keys from your hand and, much steadier than yourself, opens the door for the pair of you to stumble in. it’s mindless when mydei kicks the door shut behind you both, peels off all of the clothing keeping your bodies apart, and pins you against the wall. it’s a dance you’ve done together a million times.

he’s gentle when the tips of his fingers run up and down your slit, teasing and gently dipping past your lips to gather slick across his hand. his lips latch onto your neck and leave a constellation of bruises and love bites you’ll enjoy tracing and admiring tomorrow. mydei slides two fingers inside your heat to prepare for what will come, pushing and pulling in and out while you whine and claw at his upper arms for more. he’s not a cruel man and thusly waits until the thrusting and spreading of his fingers comes easy despite your protests of desire. his breath is shuddering when he licks his hand clean before pulling your legs around his waist letting his muscles do the work of holding you up.

it’s not an easy fit but desperation has you both wound tight so all it takes is one slow and firm push of his hips to have himself down to the hilt inside of you. mydei is gasping and panting into your shoulder with how you’re gripping him so tight and warm, slick drooling down his balls. you can feel him bare his teeth when he drags himself out to pump back in again and start up a firm rhythm that your brain and guts struggles to keep up with. it feels impossibly good when he’s abusing your insides and the water has turned to sweat. his pace can’t be described as rough more so as domineering. all you can think of is how good it is to have him so deep and nudging every perfect spot just right. drool is slipping down your chin and you barely notice when he licks it up and fits his lips over yours open mouthed. it’s sloppy, all teeth and tongue, but it’s mydei and so you think its nothing short of perfect.

[kstewdeux]

For a span of a minute that felt like an eternity, the entire world focused in on one singular point. A small painting. It’s edges well worn. Finer details faded and lost due to the passage of time but otherwise, in shockingly good condition.

But for all it’s antiquity, there was no mistaking the young woman who had been depicted. Whoever wrote the small exhibition label had simply labeled it:

Unidentified Artist, Japanese

Late Tokugawa Shogunate, Edo Period, 1853-1867

Young Woman

Painting on Parchment

H. Nakamura Trust, 88.251

According to the small blurb beneath the exhibition label, this tiny piece of parchment, clearly kept over the past century with meticulous care, had - at some point - apparently been studied by scholars to prove it was genuine. A fact that had been in dispute because the style diverged so greatly from art styles of the period but Kagome knew what the artist had been trying to do.

A photograph. He’d tried to mimic a photograph. Not perfect by any means but as close as someone in that time period could get. Which was shocking given (a) she had no idea he could draw and (b) that he would’ve taken the time to draw her.

Jaw trembling, Kagome had to remind herself to breathe. A task made more difficult as her friends joined her and began commenting on how the girl in the drawing resembled her.

Of course it did. It was her.

Her blurry vision flicked to the date and what registered felt like something cold was crushing her heart. If this ‘unidentified artist’ was him, Inuyasha had survived their quest and lived hundreds of years clearly hoping to see her again. At some point, he must have realized he simply wasn’t going to make it and…

Exhaling shakily, Kagome swallowed and decided it would be easier to simply leave. She was getting worked up over nothing. It was entirely possible that all of this was a coincidence. That she was reading too much into it. After all, Inuyasha wasn’t an artist by any means and most certainly would not have spent hundreds of years thinking about her. They were friends. Just friends. Unless something changed, which seemed unlikely, he had no interest in being with her that way. Besides, surely there were other women who looked like her throughout history. Everyone had a doppelgänger, right? Hers just happened to be some random woman in 19th century Japan.

It was just a painting of her doppelgänger.

Hopefully. Hopefully that’s all that it was.

“I have to go,” Kagome mumbled hoarsely as she took a step back and tore her eyes away from the painting, “I need to go.”

“Are you feeling okay?” Yuka asked worriedly, “Do…”

Unable to hear anything over the ringing in her ears, Kagome’s eyes wavered as they flicked back to the blurb that, upon closer inspection, described the other sketches and accompanying notes that detailed the artist’s ‘love’ for the young woman depicted. Various photographs of said notes had been attached slightly below said blurb and one of them had her shaking her head in mild horror.

‘I will not know your name next time we meet…’

“I need to go,” Kagome repeated breathlessly before turning on her heel and damn near running for the entrance. After that, she wouldn’t’ve been able to tell you how long or far or even which direction she ran from the mental image of an elderly Inuyasha writing out those notes he had to believe she’d never read. It might not even be him. Couldn’t be him. He didn’t draw. Couldn’t say something poetic much less write it. It had to be a coincidence. Just a coincidence but the image continued playing in her mind until she was blinded by tears. He died alone. Even…even if she did end up with him, she would’ve been dead by the time he wrote that. Long before he even picked up that brush. It…it…

It was all becoming too painful to even imagine.

Coming to an abrupt halt, Kagome clutched at her chest and used the side of a cement building for support. Inuyasha died over a hundred years ago and while that made sense, the realization that all her friends had died sometime in the past five hundred years hit her with all the force of a Mack truck.

Whimpering softly, her legs gave out and she slid down to the cold sidewalk. It was a coincidence. Just a coincidence. The probability of it all…

Well it just wasn’t possible. It couldn’t be him. It just…

“There you are,” came a hoarse, relieved whisper from far too close before two strong arms scooped her up and pulled her off the ground, “What happened? I’ve been looking everywhere.”

“Inuyasha?” Kagome mumbled stupidly before she whined and pressed her face into the corner of his neck - a gesture which had him stopping and doing something strange. His face turned slightly and buried his nose into her hair.

“What happened? I can’t fix it if you don’t tell me what happened,” he chided anxiously as he gave her a light squeeze, “You hurt?”

Opening her eyes, Kagome glanced around the dimly lit streets and realized how late it was. No wonder he’d come after her.

“M’fine. Got lost is all,” she lied lamely and she felt him inhale deeply then sigh.

“Bullshit. What happened?” he asked again before adding in a clear attempt to get her to smile, “I don’t mind killing people ya know. If someone hurt you, I’ll make them pay, ya know, if you want.”

“Nothing happened. Just got lost on my way home,” she mumbled and with a somewhat exasperated grunt, Inuyasha continued walking again.

“You’re a terrible liar and an idiot,” Inuyasha opined firmly - adjusting his hold on her and shaking his head, “You could’ve gotten hurt out here by yourself, stupid. Anything could’ve happened.”

“I was…”

“Sometimes I swear you’re trying to get yourself killed,” he continued chiding as some of his anger began bubbling to the surface, “What would’ve happened if I didn’t come looking, huh?”

“I said I’m sorry,” she protested weakly - her nose subtly nuzzling the flesh at the base of his neck, “I…”

“Sorry isn’t good enough. You need to do better,” Inuyasha snapped angrily before pausing mid-stride and sighing, “I swore to protect you but you make it so…so hard sometimes. And you don’t even care. You just…just go around getting kidnapped or disappearing and…and getting hurt when I’m not looking.”

It was strange but hearing his voice berate her and feeling his irritated breaths actually improved her mood considerably.

“I waited. Like an idiot I waited for you to come back from that school thing of yours instead of coming to get you like normal but…but then the sun went down and…” Inuyasha continued to huffed and grunt while his arms held her slightly tighter, “I can’t be there all the time dammit. I can’t. I’d like to be but…but I just can’t so…so you just have to fucking do better.”

Lifting her head slightly at this strange command, Kagome studied his face for a moment before leaning forward and absently placing a kiss on his tense neck. Inuyasha went stock still and then rigid but she couldn’t find it in her to care.

“I’m sorry I scared you. I’ll do better,” she promised tiredly as she pressed another lazy kiss on his shoulder. At least in this moment, he was alive and loved. Right now, he wasn’t alone drawing paintings and writing notes to someone who was either dead or hadn’t been born yet. And while true that the ‘unidentified artist’ was probably anyone else, that mental image of it being him continued to haunt her.

Taking a deep breath, Kagome stubbornly told herself that the ‘unidentified artist’ couldn’t be him. It simply wasn’t possible. For so many reasons.

“You kissed me,” Inuyasha finally blurted and mercifully distracted from her inner turmoil, Kagome hummed in the affirmative. A second passed then two and he forced out a strangled, “W-why?”

“I wanted to,” Kagome offered tiredly as she focused on the feel of him and the knowledge that, as of this moment, he was very much alive. And yes, now that she was a little calmer, it was fairly obvious that the ‘unidentified artist’ wasn’t Inuyasha. He didn’t think of her in that way. Never had. Never would. They were friends. Best friends. But he loved someone else and had made it very clear he wasn’t interested in her that way.

As Kagome continued talking herself down, Inuyasha remained motionless for a long time before he finally began walking back towards the shrine. Slowly. Every so often he’d pause and take a few short breaths like he wanted to say something but stopped himself.

“Why did you want to?” he finally asked hesitantly as he turned a corner, “If you don’t mind me asking.”

“Because you’re you,” she mumbled as her consciousness began ebbing. With a soft sigh, she relaxed more fully against his warm chest and offered up an additional explanation, “It made me happy.”

This response clearly bothered him judging by the increased tension in his muscles.

“Why did kissing me make you happy?” he pressed after another long moment of silence.

“Dunno. Why do you think it…” Kagome trailed off into a yawn and Inuyasha let out a small groan.

“I don’t know. That’s why I was asking,” Inuyasha interrupted with a huff of frustration, “You always make things hard. For no reason.”

Instead of getting angry, Kagome simply cooed and snuggled into him which seemed to both bother and calm him.

“You’re so stupid,” he continued to grumble as he adjusted his hold, “Ask a simple question and you just…act like you.”

“How else am I supposed to act?” Kagome hummed with mild amusement and Inuyasha grunted.

“Whatever. You need to sleep,” he changed the subject miserably as he finally made it to the shrine and began climbing the steps, “But don’t think I’m gunna take it easy on you. I’m serious. You can’t do shit like that again. You could’ve gotten…”

“Will you stay here tonight?” Kagome interrupted tiredly and Inuyasha once again stopped mid-step. His hands flexed against the flesh they were gripping as he licked his lips and averted his eyes.

“Only if you tell me why you really kissed me,” he repeated his earlier question - before continuing with an unease tinged with hope which surprised her, “I think I deserve some answers after the stupid stunt you just pulled and if you’re trying…if you did that to just…just distract me, it won’t work. Won’t change nothing. You still gotta be less stupid.”

“I did it because I wanted to,” Kagome repeated before gasping when he suddenly set her down and glared.

“Well what if I didn’t want you to?” Inuyasha huffed - something strangely hurt behind his expressive amber eyes, “You’ve never tried to mess with me before. Never. And…and do you have any idea how scared I was when you didn’t come home? I searched for you, Kagome. From the…the 6 to the 9. Do you know how hard it is to track scents here? To listen for you? It’s a literal miracle that I…”

“I said I’m sorry,” Kagome insisted and Inuyasha looked even more hurt. Breathing heavily, he visibly tried to control whatever reaction was brewing under the surface but unfortunately, his confusion and hurt bubbled over.

“I DON’T WANT AN APOLOGY!” Inuyasha bellowed - his hurt escalating into full blown anger with such speed it nearly gave her whiplash, “YOU COULD’VE DIED. YOU COULD’VE BEEN HURT! AND I’M NOT SO DESPERATE THAT A STUPID KISS IS GUNNA MAKE ME FORGET THAT! WHY DID YOU KISS ME?!”

“I kissed you because I wanted to kiss you!” Kagome snapped and Inuyasha looked a hair away from strangling her.

“THAT’S NOT AN ANSWER! YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO COVER YOUR ASS AND…” Inuyasha began to rail against her once more and it was at that point Kagome’s mind officially hit It’s breaking point. He wanted answers, huh? He wanted to know why she ran and why she kissed him and why she was so upset?!

“FINE! KNOW WHY I DID THAT?! BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!” Kagome screamed bitterly and Inuyasha froze like a deer in the headlights, “I KISSED YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU! THERE! HAPPY?!”

When Inuyasha continued gaping at her with a shell-shocked expression, the full ramifications of what she’d just admitted hit her like a ton of bricks.

“Forget it,” she breathed miserably as she turned and unsteadily began climbing the stairs with her arms curled tightly around her stomach, “I’m sorry, okay? I won’t do…any of that again. Just forget what I said.”

“Wait. Wait,” Inuyasha’s strangely panicked voice called out - a single clawed hand gripping her shoulder to force her to stop, “I don’t think I heard that right. W-why did you…”

“Let me go Inuyasha,” Kagome hissed but the hand didn’t release her.

“C-can I tell you w-what I heard?” he asked with a mixture of fear and desperation, “A-and I could be wrong but I just…”

“You hear everything Inuyasha,” Kagome huffed acidly as she pushed away his hand with all her might, “You heard what I said…”

Even as she climbed the stairs, she could hear his harsh rapid breaths which honestly had her moving a little faster. Everything was ruined now. All because of some stupid little painting that she’d just…

“You…you said you…you loved me,” he repeated barely above a whisper, “Right?”

Closing her eyes, Kagome let out a long sigh before squaring her shoulders and deciding to face her mistake head on.

“I do love you but I don’t…” she began as she turned to face him before being cut off when a pair of lips captured her own. Two strong arms snaked around her waist for but a moment before his calloused hands suddenly cupped her face in an effort to force her to respond.

When she finally did and when he finally pulled back, his slightly euphoric expression faded into mild horror and panic.

“Y-you said you l-loved me back, r-right?” he asked worriedly as he released and took an involuntary step back, “That’s…that’s what you said. Two, no, three times. You said that…”

“That I loved you…back,” Kagome repeated slowly and Inuyasha gave a jerky nod in response.

“That’s what you said,” he insisted miserably - his amber eyes flicking in the direction of the well, “So…and I mean, you did start the…the kissing so I…and you were an idiot. Scared me half to…”

“Know what? That is what I said,” Kagome hummed in a resigned fashion as she reached out and gestured for him to take her hand, “Come on. Let’s go inside. It’s late.”

Swallowing thickly, Inuyasha eyed the beckoning hand with weary apprehension before accepting the gesture and allowing her to lead him into the house. And up the stairs. And into her bedroom. And then onto her bed. A bed upon which he found himself awkwardly waiting while Kagome proceeded to change and get ready for the night.

“Where are you gunna sleep…” he began nervously when it finally dawned on him that she seemed to be intending for him to sleep on the bed. That’s where she led him and where she told him to stay after all. Which was strange but it had been a strange night. Maybe she was trying to make him feel better. Do him a favor?

“In the bed,” Kagome hummed as she ran a brush through her hair and gave him a warm smile. A smile that faded when he stood up and began nervously glancing around with a marked blush.

“Inuyasha, where are you going?”

“You’re gunna sleep on the bed,” he muttered as he prepared to sleep in his normal position on the floor, “And you…well I was gunna…”

“If you want, you can sleep in the bed with me…”

Amber eyes widened as a single impulsive ‘oh’ left his lips but instead of sitting back down on the bed, he remained standing and staring at her with that same shell-shocked expression.

“Is that…okay?” Kagome asked nervously.

Seeming to come back to himself, Inuyasha nodded fervently and quickly sat down atop the mattress.

“Y-yeah thats…that’s…yeah. Yeah. We can do that…”

That night was the first of many nights he spent cuddled up against the woman of his dreams. Letting the warmth of her body span the length of his own as he relished in the knowledge that somehow this woman loved him. How, when or even why didn’t matter. She loved him back and that first night, as he held her small frame against him, he very nearly cried in relief. Honestly, before that night, he had already decided he was going to let her go rather than say anything. There was no way she’d ever love him back, he’d reasoned. No one would ever want to be with a half-breed, right? He’d never been so happy to be wrong.

Weeks went by after that and the funny thing was, when Kagome absently mentioned the painting from the museum to her friends over lunch, none of them had the faintest clue what she was talking about. All they remembered was her leaving in a rush. While Kagome chalked this up to the art not being memorable to anyone else, the truth was that no one else would ever remember this art because it simply never existed.

The second she’d admitted her feelings - emotions he fully reciprocated but had suppressed - all those drawings and notes faded from the annuals of time because that painting- which had been loaned to the museum by a well meaning unrelated widow who thought the unique artwork would make for an interesting exhibit - turned out to be a butterfly which was inadvertently crushed. As the years rolled on, Inuyasha never needed to paint something to bring him comfort in the midst of crushing regret and loneliness.

Why would he?

Thanks to a merciful series of events, he woke up to his favorite smiling face every day for the rest of his life.

[thisentertaining]

As the Blue Spirit Howls - Chapter 2

STORY SUMMARY: 

Zuko was not a good shifter.

Azula could switch between her wolf and human skins between steps. Not Zuko, he needed several minutes before he even started the shift, and that was on a good day. If it had been Azula who Animal Control found in that alley, they would have walked away convinced that their eyes had played a trick on them. There had never been a dog there.

But Zuko's long transformation would have only revealed his kind to the world. Father may think he has no honor, but he wouldn't stoop so low as that. Even if that meant being dumped in animal shelter, trapped as much by the 24/7 security cameras as by the cage bars.

He had the worst luck. -

"Come on guys!" Aang said as he lead his friends through the clamoring barks of the shelter. "I want to show you my favorite dog! He's a sweetheart."

Aang lead the pair to where a monstrous beast of a dog was growling with raspy barks loud enough to drown out the rest of the shelter. His bright white teeth contrasted against golden eyes and a bright red scar that stretched over the side of his face as he lunged against the cage door.

Sokka laughed nervously. "Did the word 'sweetheart' change meaning when I wasn't looking?"

Chapter 1

Chapter 3

Read on Ao3

Zuko’s ears (well, his good ear) fell back against his skull and he couldn’t help letting out a little whine. Immediately he told himself to get a hold of himself, and straightened, but the roaring emotions within him sent his ear back again. For several moments, he was deaf to the world around him, as his ear flicked back and forth from upright and proud to cowering back against his head.

This… this wasn’t fair. He’d spent months looking for Avatar, going without sleep or meals, getting into fights with gangsters, running from the police, spending every cent he could earn or steal to pay for bribes or information.

He’d run himself into the ground, relaxed long held morals, given everything he had and it had amounted to nothing. Less than nothing, it had amounted to him being homeless, nearly starved, fresh from a beating, half drunk because the only liquid he could find were some puddles of beer outside a sketchy bar. It had been the lowest point in his life, certainly low enough to realize that his father would never accept him back after he’d fallen so far.

More importantly, he’d been low enough to indulge in the self-pity he tried so hard to deny himself, allowed himself to think the traitorous thought that he had only fallen so far because his father had pushed him off a cliff. With one eye blindfolded. Fathers shouldn’t do that, but his had without hesitation. Then, he’d forced himself to admit even further that in his ‘Zuko Alone’ period, he had started to doubt that he even wanted to go back.

He had been told that Avatar was being paid some rival to FireNation Inc., someone who had gone to the police with convincing lies on their lips that would paint their company as one with their hands firmly entrenched in dozens of criminal pies. He’d been told that the witness would lay false claim to seeing FireNation Inc involved in everything from drug trafficking to weaponizing criminal groups. Zuko’s search had brought him among the worst of mankind, individuals who made him nauseous to speak to and sick to work with.

They had all spoken his father’s name with familiarity.

Zuko never wanted to see them again, wished they were behind bars, and Father worked with them. If he were ever to actually become the owner of the company as he was training to do, he would be expected to work with them as well.

He didn’t want that.

So, on that night in the alley, hitting rock bottom at his lowest point, he’d reasoned that giving up on his quest, giving up on proving himself to his father, couldn’t make him go any lower. So he had.

And now, now here he was, Avatar cross legged in front of him, right there, right after Zuko had given up.

What does that mean? Was the universe rewarding him for forsaking his family? Giving him what he wanted in return for his new mindset? After all, the Avatar before him didn’t match up to Zuko’s constant imaginings. It was hard to picture this child as anyone’s go-to for planting false evidence. Based on what Zuko knew now, it was likely that the boy had truly seen every shred of evidence that Ozai denied.

Or was it saying that he shouldn’t give up? That he had a real chance to go back to his old life and should fight for it? After kicking him down for his entire life, was the universe finally allowing him to catch a break.

Because if Zuko could prove himself to Father, maybe he could make a difference. If he gave Father the Avatar, he would have to realize that Zuko was worthy of the family business. That he wasn’t the screw up that his latest report card claimed. If he had Ozai’s trust, his ear, then he could convince his father that they didn’t need to be doing any of these shady dealings, that FireNation was strong enough to stand on its own, legitimately.

All it would take was betraying the kind of kid who sat next to supposedly abused dogs for hours until they let him touch them.

Zuko whined again, ears laid back. It was much harder to hide his emotions in this form, though he wasn’t necessarily good at it in either. The girl, Aang had called her Katara, gently shushed him and scratched along his back in an attempt to comfort him. The motion cleared his mind a bit.

No, he couldn’t think about that. The important thing was, this was Zuko’s chance to prove himself to his father, to get back to his family and make a difference. He would have to be carful though, not rush things as he had in the past. While he had known nothing of the Avatar’s identity, he had been too sloppy (or too desperate) for the same to be true of him. He knew Fong knew what his human form looked like, and knew that Zuko was seeking them.

He had to think of a way to get Aang into a position that his capture would be assured, but he couldn’t risk getting discovered in the meantime. It was good that he knew Avatar’s identity, but he couldn’t let him slip through his fingers again. He had to be smart about this. He had to-

Suddenly, Aang’s arms were wrapped around his neck. He yelped and snapped at the unexpected contact, but the boy simply continued his… embrace?

His hold.

“Please!” The boy was begging his companions. “Director Kuei said that he would fast track the foster application!”

The girl looked skeptical. “Aang, we just said-“

“But this is different!” The boy interrupted. This would be fostering Blue Spirit, not adopting him.”

“And the difference is…” Sokka asked.

“He’s still up for adoption! We would keep him at our house, but his picture and information would still be on the site! That way the cage is available for new dogs, but we can bring him back to meet anyone who sees his picture and is interested in adopting him!”

Neither of the other children said anything, but they glanced awkwardly at Zuko. The werewolf felt his lips curling up in a snarl. He knew what they were thinking, he’d seen himself in the reflective silver bowls that the shelter used. The horrendous scar that covered half of his face would have been hardship enough for a dog seeking a forever home. It was puckered and ugly red, a blighted spot where no fur would grow. One of his eyes was permanently squinting and one ear was shriveled and clearly useless. It was huge and impossible to ignore.

Beyond that however, the Shift was as magical as it was physical, fueled by concentration, focus, self-actualization and self-worth. The more control on had of themselves and their emotions, the more effective the shift. It was why his sister had been so skilled, and why his had taken longer and longer ever since the disappearance of his mother. Shaving his hair in all but his Phoenix Plume had not merely been a physical change for Zuko, it symbolled his dishonor, his father’s disapproval. It, as much as the scar, marked him as a failure. It had become so tied to his identity that it had transferred to his lupine form, only starting to grow back when he’d given up in the alley a few weeks back and accepted his lot.

Or maybe it was just because he hadn’t been able to shave since he had been placed into the shelter.

Regardless, the fact of the matter was, when he’d entered the shelter his fur had looked like it had been completely shorn other than an obnoxiously fluffy tail, which apparently represented his plume. The bareness revealed and highlighted the smattering of scars that covered his body (accidents, “accidents” courtesy of Azula, beatings from his time on the streets, and prior results of failing his father) in addition to the unseemly skin that covered every canine. Some may prefer hairless breeds, but that was when they were cute lap dogs. In a creature as damaged and intimidating as Zuko’s wolf form…

That website would be waiting a long time before anyone called for him.

“Aang…” The girl began, voice dripping with careful gentleness. The boy hunched, holding his head between his shoulders and Zuko found himself licking the boy’s suddenly closer cheek in an expression of comfort.

What.

He needed to get out of the form. His canine impulse control was becoming crap.

He refused to even think of a single possibility in which that action was caused by anything other than some unfortunate canine instinct.

Aang jerked at the touch, but it had pulled him from his funk and he laughed, scratching at Zuko’s belly. “I know what you’re going to say, Katara, but most of the fur will grow back! The face scar won’t look nearly as bad once the rest of it has grown in. Just think of what a handsome boy he’s gonna be.” Aang cooed the last bit in baby talk.

Zuko wanted to retract his lick.

No, not his lick. The wolf form’s lick. He refused to admit any part to it.

“He just needs a good place to stay for a while for that to happen! And we can train him not to be so growly and loud, and to react better around new people and dogs!”

“If he’s bad with other dogs this isn’t going to work.” Sokka said, back to scratching at the good-ear-spot. “Appa, remember? And those teeth are pretty fierce. I’m pretty sure Momo isn’t going to be anything more than an exotic snack.”

“Well, he hasn’t exactly been bad around other dogs, not yet at least! They sometimes act weird around him, but Appa is really well trained!”

“I don’t know, Aang…” The girl continued to protest. Aang sent the pair wide, pleading eyes.

“Pleassseee? He’s a good dog, he really really is! But the shelter knows that no one is going to adopt him in this state and there aren’t any other fosters who would be able to take him in! All we have to do is take care of him, train him to be better behaved, take photos for the website and bring him to adoption events! If Zuko finds us again and we have to move, we can bring him back here, but at least then he’ll have a better chance.”

Zuko jerked at the mention of his name, hating the way it sprang from Aang’s lips as if he was talking about some kind of boogeyman or monster who would pop up and say ‘boo’. He was the villain in Aang’s story. It was a sobering thought, one he didn’t necessarily like.

But it didn’t matter, he forced himself to remember. Of course Aang thought he was a bad guy, the teen had set himself against Zuko’s father. It didn’t mean anything more than how rival sports teams felt about each other. Yes, the stakes were much higher, but it didn’t mean that Zuko was a bad person for being against Aang.

It didn’t.

Zuko whined again, ears once more flat against his skull and suddenly, it was all too much. The caressing hands suddenly felt like they were everywhere. His skin felt like it was crawling with discomfort, with fear, with guilt that he tried to convince himself wasn’t deserved. He rose to his feet, shaking until all of the hands, with their free comfort and freer trust, finally left. He resumed pacing in the little area that the cage allowed as the three teens looked at him with concern.

Katara frowned. “I think he���s getting antsy.”

Aang perked. “Maybe we can take him for a walk while we talk! I bet you’d like that, huh boy?”

“I guess that’d be okay.” The girl allowed, and the other boy’s face scrunched into thought.

“I mean, that makes sense. If we do foster him, we have to be able to take him for walks and stuff.”

Aang shot that boy a victorious grin, one that meant he knew that he was taking home a foster dog.

Fresh air sounded amazing, so Zuko didn’t so much as twitch as they fitted a collar and leash around his neck, practically pulling a yelping Sokka out of the kennel. He was considered a ‘flight risk’ so they were very careful about who they let walk him. Which was reasonable. He was huge, and every step away from starvation was a step towards renewing his strength. The kennel had security cameras close enough to his cage that he couldn’t simply shift and unlock it, and the exercise yard was constantly monitored while in use and covered in tall fencing that would be hard for even him to jump. The dog walking trails behind the shelter were his best bet at escaping from this place.

Consequently, he hasn’t been walked by anyone other than the blockhead wrestler whose anger-management coach insisted he do community service. Zuko knew the issue intimately, as ‘the Boulder’ was fond of ranting about it during their walks.

While speaking in third person.

And referring to himself only as his stage name.

Needless to say, Zuko was not the hugest fan of walk time.

Director Kuei himself was in the lobby when Aang attempted to walk through, his huge New Foundland Bosco panting lazily at his side as always. He frowned at the young boy. “Aang, what are you doing with Blue Spirit?”

“Well, you said that I was too young to walk him, but Sokka is two years older than me, so I thought he could do it! Look at how good he’s behaving.”

Bosco sniffed a little to closely at Zuko and the werewolf snarled at him, making the other dog whine and back behind his owner’s legs. “Quite… though I’m not sure that’s enough. I spoke with the Boulder the other day, and he said that even he is having a good deal of difficulty keeping Spirit in check.”

“Woah hey!” Sokka yelled. “Don’t underestimate me!” He held up his bicep, which was… decent, for his age but was no where near the size of the Boulder’s. “See that? It’s all muscle?”

The man adjusted his glasses and hummed uncertainly, turning to the general manager for his opinion. Fong made the majority of the decisions at the shelter, financially and staff wise. Kuei was content with owning and bankrolling the shelter and taking care of the animals.

Fong looked down his nose at the group of children, consideringly. “It would not reflect well on the shelter if we were to lose a dog prior to it’s adoption. There are no problems in Ba Sing Se humane society.”

Aang leaned forward. “But you said that you were thinking about letting me foster him so that he wouldn’t… how are we going to foster him if we can’t even walk him?”

Fong looked like he sucked in a sour lemon, but by this point they were starting to garner the attention of the others in the lobby, who were looking at the raggedy-looking dog at the end of the leash and the young adults clearly trying to walk him. Likely to save face more than because he actually agreed, Fong acquiesced. “Use multiple leashes. He shouldn’t be able to pull all of you.”

Aang brightened. “Thanks!”

Additional leashes were clipped to the cheap plastic collar, much to Zuko’s annoyance. They weren’t expecting a dog with human intelligence though. Zuko was pretty certain that he would be able to escape. He should easily be able to get far away from…

…wait.

Why would he escape? This was perfect.

The dog’s tail started slowly waving as they walked out of the shelter doors. If Aang really wanted to adopt him, then it would be perfect. He could stay with the boy, learn his patterns and his ways, earn his trust. He could do this the right way, with forethought and planning rather than desperation and fury. He could actually do it this time, bring Aang to his father and make him proud.

He just had to be patient for a bit, be a dog. His father would be ashamed to see the shift used in this way, but maybe he would overlook it so long as it achieved his goals. Zuko’s restored position would be well worth the humiliation coming his way.

So, now he just had to… be a good dog. How hard could it be?

[potions-and-potters]

Could you do a fic with the theme that they're set up on a blind date and one is a hopeless romantic and the other is a cold hearted sex fiend?

Thanks for the prompt! I never thought about a blind date situation before, and it was rather interesting. I hope what I’ve written is satisfactory. It’s got a little bit of everything, and of course, some smut. Here is the link! If you’re on AO3, then please send me your username so I can gift it to you! 

Sorry for the wait!

For those of you who wish to read it on here:

Title: Fuck-N-Run

Summary: “Dates are simply the social etiquette required to be displayed before two people can bed each other without causing a scandal"

Category: M/M

Rating: Explicit

Words: 17,909

Relationship: Harry Potter/Severus Snape

Note: I didn’t mean for this fic to be more than a few thousand words, but I’m rubbish at keeping things short.

There are some visuals in the notes at the bottom. I don’t own the images I’m linking to; I just used them as inspiration.

I actually finished this a few days ago but held off posting until today, the ninth of January, for dramatic effect in honour of one Severus Snape’s birthday. I think he’d appreciate the gesture. So, Enjoy the fic, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SEVERUS SNAPE!

Also, this hasn’t really been edited, so I apologize for any mistakes.

Fic:

Theambush came on a chilly Thursday evening.

TheWeasley house was quiet except for a soft love song playing lowly on the radio.The man’s tenor voice drifted throughout the living room as the fire crackledlightly. Warm candle light bled into the room from the kitchen, where the scentof freshly baked pumpkin scones wafted out.

If onestrained an ear, it was possible to hear the low murmur of voices from outside,and the odd creak of a floorboard from upstairs. Most everyone was in thegarden, watching stars and talking about the upcoming Quidditch World Cup.Ron’s voice was particularly lacking in the chorus of support every time theBulgarian National Quidditch team was mentioned. Of course, he would say it hadnothing to do with Viktor Krum, and everything to do with his now unwaveringsupport of the Holyhead Harpies, and his pride in his little sister’s positionon the team. 

It wasin this moment, lulled into a false sense of safety and relaxation, as HarryPotter sat by himself on the worn couch with a Butterbeer in hand, that he wasambushed.

“It’s one date, Harry!” Ginny exclaimed inexasperation, looking down at Harry as her fiery red hair fell across her eyes.Beside her, Hermione nodded. She stood with her wand in hand, ready to hexHarry if he tried to make a break for it – again.

“Idon’t want to go on a date!” Harry replied with his nose wrinkled in distaste.“And definitely not a blind one!”

“It’llbe good for you, Harry,” Hermione said, looking far too much like she wanted tohelp him.

Harrydidn’t need help.

Sure,he hadn’t gone on a date for a while, but he wasn’t looking to date. He wasperfectly content with his adventurous club loo hook ups, and odd tumbles inbroom closets at various events (most of which were thrown in his honor anyway,so why shouldn’t he have a little fun at them, anyway?). Did these tales makeit onto the front page of the Daily Prophet? Yes, usually more often than not.However, Harry had been dealing with lies concerning himself being published inthat rag since he was eleven, so he really didn’t care if a one night standdeclared they made passionate love in the Three Broom Sticks’ store room. Itwas far better than watching another relationship blow up in the public eye,and having to pass by every witch and wizard holding a copy with his failedlove life on the cover.

Atleast that’s what Harry told himself, anyway.

“You’restarting to get a reputation,”Hermione said in a scandalized tone.

“Great,what are they saying about me now?” Harry asked, taking a sip of his butterbeer.“Have I turned dark, and decided that Voldemort had the right idea this wholetime?” he joked bitterly into his cup.

“No,”Hermione replied, clearly annoyed at Harry’s dismissal and zero-fucks attitude.

“There’sa rumor that you’ll have sex with anyone that compliments your eyes,” Ginnytold him, a touch of amusement in her voice.

Harryhad to snort at that. One girl had gushed over his eyes, calling them shiningemeralds, and just because he’d buggered her and she’d run to the Prophet withit the next day, everyone thought that was all it took? He’d fully intended tosleep with the blonde beauty when he’d saw her drooling over him across thedance floor at a particularly dull dinner (yes, in his honor). The complimenthad nothing to do with it.

“I’lladmit it’s annoying, but so what?” Harry said with a shrug. “Nobody can believeeverything they write is true. They manage to contradict themselves on theirown made up stories three times in a week!” Harry laughed. He took a sip of hisdrink, and made a humming noise when he remembered, “it happened just lastweek!”

Ginnycrossed her arms, unimpressed and not backing down. Harry sighed.

“Look,I know you’re just trying to be nice, but I’m fine!” he said, looking betweenthe two of them.

“You’reworkaholic auror with a playboy reputation that’s locked up his heart becauseyou’re too afraid that someone might break it,” Hermione snapped.

“Sothat’s what this is about!” Harry exclaimed, latching onto the first part ofthe sentence. “You think I spend too much time at work!”

“Don’tchange the subject,” Ginny told him firmly.

“I likebeing an auror,” Harry said, ignoring her, and feeling his defenses go up. “I’mgood at it, and it helps people! Just because I work a little more than some ofthe others-“

“Webarely see you at all!” Hermione interjected, arms thrown up into the air.

“-doesn’t mean I’m a workaholic, and even if it did that’s not necessarily a badthing. I have to keep up-to-date on all the dark arts, and the intelligence wereceive, and figure out counters and cures and preventative measures. I’ve gotan important job, and it doesn’t end just because I’m no longer in my aurorrobes!” Harry explained. “You should know, Hermione, your husband’s an auror,too!” he added.

“Roncomes home and leaves work at work,” Hermione answered with a flash of anger.

“Wellgood for him then,” Harry said, voice rising, “I can’t do that. I won’t dothat. I made a vow when I became an auror, and to myself, that I’d be the bestauror there was, and I can’t do that if I’m not constantly improving andlearning!”

“Youalready are the best auror!” Hermione yelled.

Therewas a moment of silence before Ginny came to sit next to him. Harry tried notto bristle further, or pull away as she took his hands gently in her own. He turnedhis eyes to meet hers when it became apparent that she was waiting for him todo so.

“Youhave such a big capacity to love, and you deserve to have someone to share thatwith,” she said sincerely, eyes searching his own. “But if you shut your heartaway before you give it a chance, and don’t try,then you’ll never find that person,” she said softly.

Harryglanced to Hermione, back to standing in the same position she had been, whoseeyes were equal parts plea and worry. He looked back to Ginny and saw a similarlook there too, and knew he was beat. With a sigh he looked into hisbutterbeer, accepting his fate.

“Fine,I’ll go on the bloody date,” Harry mumbled in defeat.

“Great,”Ginny smiled, triumphant. She popped up off the couch with a renewed sense ofenergy, and a sparkle in her eyes.

“Thisis just a date, though. I’m not going to fall in love with the first person youset me up with,” Harry made sure to point out.

“Youmean you’ll let us set you up on more?” Ginny asked, twirling around with awolfish grin.

“Ifthis one goes all right,” Harry said slowly. It couldn’t hurt, having a steadyflow of potential hook ups, at least.

“Exactly,”Hermione said. “That’s what we were trying to tell you. There’s no harm done ifit doesn’t turn out. Think of it like a practice date!” she smiled.

Sure,Harry thought, draining his butterbeer. A practice date.

Severusdowned the glass of scotch in one mouthful, the familiar burning warmth rushingdown his throat. He had long since stopped taking tea when he met with Albus,and it seemed to stave off the offer of lemon drops or other such sugary things.

“Do sitdown, my boy,” Albus said as he himself sat at his large wooden desk in hisoffice.

Severussent him a withering look at the name. He was forty-three for fucks sake. DidAlbus have to call him a boy? He’d survived two wars (shockingly), and taughtfor twenty-two years. He was not a boy.

Nevertheless,he sat down in the chair opposite, swinging his black robes across his lap ashe did.

“Ifyou’ve summoned me here to try to push some dull, misguided girl looking for ahero to worship, then I will have to, once again, decline your generous offerto set me up on some foolish quest for love,” Severus said in a disgusted tone.

Albussmiled at him.

“I onlywant you to be happy, Severus,” he said after a moment.

Severus’seyes narrowed. His happiness had never been anything Albus had been concernedwith before, and it was a childish dream that Severus himself had given upachieving long ago. Why the old man cared now made no sense. Furthermore, whyAblus thought the only way he would be happy was if he fell helplessly in lovewith someone (which was a laugh right there), was beyond him.

Albus,however, was determined.  Week afterweek, for years now, he had called him into his office, offered him tea,biscuits, and sweets, and tried to convince him to go on, of all things, a blinddate. No matter how many times Severus refused, Albus would be inviting himback the next week.

Henever said whom these dates would be with, but Severus could guess. There wereplenty of pathetic, idiotic, girls all over Britain who were picking up DailyProphets and seeing him within the pages. The things they were saying. Severus had to repress a shudder at thememory of one headline last month that he’d seen while shopping for potion’singredients in Diagon Alley. In the very same trip, he’d been stopped at leastfive times by starry-eyed witches trying to shower him with their affections.One of them tried giving him flowers. It was all getting out of hand.

He’dbeen threatened with Witch Weekly’s “Most Eligible Wizard” for the third year in a row.

Evenhis students were starting to swoonduring classes. He had enough trouble trying to make sure they didn’t blowthemselves up before all of this nonsense. The last thing he needed was sillylittle girls trying to slip him – him! – a love potion. As if he wouldn’t beable to tell.

Hetaught them how to make the bloody stuff.

Severusdebated getting up and filling his glass with another two fingers of scotch.He’d been drinking quite a bit lately. It was no wonder why.

“Whydon’t you just give it a try?” Albus asked. “It might not be as bad as youthink. In fact, it might surprise you.”

Severusrather doubted that.

“I’dlike to think I’ve gotten to know you quite well over these many years,”Severus wondered how many years it had to be until he was no longer considereda boy, “and am rather certain thatthe individual in question is sure to be a wonderful match,” Albus continued onin explanation. “Humour me, my boy.”

Severusglared, and then thought about the offer.

Perhaps,if he went on one disastrous date, Albus would see that it was a lost cause andgive up. Severus supposed he could suffer through one evening if it meantgetting Albus off his back for good. Besides, there was a high possibility thatthis girl, like many others he’d encountered recently (students included,unfortunately) would be all too willing to throw herself at him and it had beenquite some time since he’d had the opportunity to get laid.

Houseresponsibilities had never taken up so much time in the past, even when HarryPotter had been in the castle. Evidently, there was no limit to the recklessthings students would do, and dangerous situations they would purposefully getthemselves into, simply because they knew he would have to “come to theirrescue,” as one swooning fifth year had claimed.

A goodfuck might at least relieve some stress.

“Fine,”Severus sighed, causing a concerning twinkle to gleam in Albus’s eye.

Severussat at a round, white-clothed table with a burning red candle in a small ornatecandle holder in the center. A wine glass and a leather-bound menu marked hisdate’s would be seat. The seats were hard, but the wood was crafted with greatdetail. The room was moderately well lit, considering most restaurants that aimfor that romantic atmosphere usually were anything but.

There wasa piano on a small platform by a roaring fire that had been charmed to play acalm, sweet melody. The tables around his own were placed far enough away togive just the right amount of privacy to prove it an intimate occasion. A clearmessage of intent: anybody in this restaurant was on a date.

Thewaiters, surprisingly, wore suits but no formal robes. It was a trend amonghigh-class restaurants that was fast gaining ground in the wizarding world.This establishment was no exception, which one would expect considering itlooked to be somewhere that a glass of their cheapest wine would cost theaverage man a month’s wages.

Luckily,Albus was paying.

Whichwas why, as he waited for his date (who was late) he had ordered a glass ofridiculously expensive wine just to spite the old man. Severus took a sip ofit, not caring how petty it was. He had plans to make the old man pay furtherfor this, anyway.

Thiswas not the place one brought somebody on a blind date. This was the type ofplace one brought somebody to propose.Severus just hopped the woman he was being set up with at least had enoughbrains to realize that would most certainly not be happening tonight. Or ever.

Hefound himself wondering about this woman. Who she might be. Had he met heralready? How old she was. If it was a former student, he was leaving. What shelooked like. He did, after all, only agree to this because he was itching for afuck. What was her personality like. Good company was hard to find, and theaverage person tended to lack enough intelligence to keep his attention for morethan ten minutes.

Severus’sthoughts came to an abrupt halt when he caught sight of Harry Potter walking infrom the chilly February weather outside.

Hewatched as the Boy Who Lived Twice rubbed his hands together in an effort towarm them. He paid no attention to the excited waiters or the whispering dinersas he asked the same waiter who seated Severus a question.

Harry,as Severus had started calling him a couple years ago due to the boy’sinsistence, was looking particularly fetching tonight. Not that he didn’t lookgood every day, because he did. Since fifth year, if Severus admitted it tohimself, Harry had suddenly turned into quite a beautiful man. Quidditch andauror training were much to thank for Harry’s physic, which was muscled, toned,and deliciously evident even under robes.

Severushadn’t seen Harry in several months, since last August, actually. It seemed theyoung auror had grown his hair out enough for it to be able to be brushed backin a thick wave, parted on the left of his head with notably shorter sides. Itsuited him perfectly, making his untamable black hair look purposefully ruffledin a suggestive manner that Severus was sure witches everywhere appreciatedjust as much as he did. The new haircut showed off his scar, which Severus wasmildly surprised at, considering Harry himself had once admitted he usuallytried to hide it.

As hewalked past the waiting area, Harry removed his coat to reveal a dark blue,almost black, jacket, which fit him wonderfully, a deep royal blue polo shirtthat hung off him in a way that told anyone who looked that there was mostdefinitely flat, defined abdominals and taught pecs beneath it, and trousersthat matched the jacket and fit snugly in all the right places, accentuating hisslim hips.

WhomeverHarry was meeting was in for an envious treat.

Severuswatched with interest as Harry walked his way, and glanced around discreetly tosee if he could make the lucky individual who had scored a date with HarryPotter. It must have be someone rich and important. Someone who won one ofthose auction dates that Harry participated in for charity. Severus rememberedwhen funds to rebuild the school had been low and Harry had agreed to auctionhimself off for a date to the highest bidder. They had received a staggeringamount of money from a middle-aged witch in Bulgaria.

Hewondered which charity this would be going to, as it most definitely had to befor such an occasion. Harry Potter did not date. At least, that was what theevidence pointed to, anyway. While Severus was under the impression Harry andthe youngest Weasley were in inseparable love, the two had split apart onlythree months after her graduation from Hogwarts. For two years, Harry’sfascinating love life had graced the pages of various gossip magazines heconfiscated during classes. Each relationship ending more disastrously than thelast.

Thatall came to a sudden halt when Harry had, apparently, discovered one nightstands and dirty nightclubs. The Boy Who Lived Twice had gotten the taste forthe playboy lifestyle, and it seemed he was not going to be giving it upanytime soon. Harry never commented on the scandalous sex tales that came outabout him, nor the fact he did not seem to discriminate when it came to the genderof his conquest.

Severussuddenly went stiff as the sneaking suspicion that Harry was heading to himprickled across his skin. Harry must have spotted him, and was probably comingover under the pretenses of a quick ‘hello’ in order to find out why he of allpeople was in a place as sickeningly romantic as this. Severus hopped whomeverhe was meeting was delayed several more minutes. He didn’t think his pridecould take it otherwise. Even if he was able to slip in the fact that he wasdoing this for Albus, or rather to get Albus to leave him alone.

“Er,hi?” Harry said, eloquent as ever, as he stood in front of the tableuncomfortably. His eyes shifted around, and he was visibly nervous. A bitconfused. Slightly embarrassed by the faint blush colouring his cheeks. Hewasn’t saying anything else, and he wasn’t moving away, or even making anyindication that he intended to go anywhere else. His hand came to rest on thechair in front of him, fingers curling around it as if he planned to-

Severusfelt his eyes widen in horror as the realization dawned on him.

“No.”

Harrywas running late, of course.

Itwasn’t actually his fault though. Ginny and Hermione were arguing about whatshoes he should wear, and it made Harry regret agreeing to them coming overbefore the date.

Harryactually had developed a rather good sense of fashion, good enough to be voted“Best Dressed Wizard” once again this year. He was already dressed, andactually early, when he was fire-called by Ginny. Hermione was with her, andthey requested to come through in order to make sure he was appropriatelydressed. Harry wondered if they thought he would show up to a date in the samekinds of clothes he went clubbing in. He’d agreed to let them floo over simplyto prove a point.

It washis own fault that they’d stayed. He’d asked for help choosing which watch towear, and it had escalated quickly from there. They had gone through all hiscuff links (they’d settled on the matching snitches), his belts (they’d gonewith a skinny black leather one), his necklaces (they chose a simple silverchain), his bracelets (Ginny had decided his silver watch was enough, eventhough Hermione quite liked a wide leather band), his rings (all were decidedagainst), his scarfs (which he had managed to convince Hermione he did not needdespite the cold weather outside), and just when Harry had thought he could getrid of them and still be on time, he had made the mistake of wondering aloudwhich pair of shoes to put on.

Hermionethought the pair of black Chelsea boots was both practical for the time ofyear, and appropriate for the date setting. Ginny disagreed, thinking that apair of lace-up leather ankle boots in a dark navy color to match his jacketand a touch of a heel to give him some added height, were the way to go. Thetwo witches argued over the shoes for a solid fifteen minutes as Harry took thetime to add additional finishing touches in the bathroom. He added some moreaftershave, and several spritzes of an overly expensive cologne he’d beengifted with. He checked his reflection in the mirror, cleaned off his roundrimmed glasses, and reapplied some lip balm to combat the dry winter weatherthat seemed to chap his lips at the mere thought of it.

When hechecked his watch and saw that he would be at least five minutes late if heleft right then, he decided enoughwas enough.

“Allright, all right,” he said as he came out of his on-suit, “that’s enough.”  Ginny and Hermione were glaring at eachother, wands in hand. Harry rolled his eyes at them, and glanced between thetwo choices he had. He sat himself on the bed, and reached for the ankle boots.“I like these ones,” he said, and ignored both Ginny’s triumphant smile andHermione’s frustrated little noise of disapproval.

“Haveyou got your wallet?” Ginny asked as Harry laced his boots up.

“In mypocket,” Harry replied.

“Wand?”

Harrydidn’t dignify that with a response.

“Don’tforget your coat,” Hermione said when he stood.

“Hermione,I’ve not even left my bedroom yet,” Harry said, giving her a chastising lookfor her mothering. Hermione didn’t bother to look affronted.

“I’vereally got to go, so will you two,” Harry looked at them both, and then to thefloo, “you know,” he said, gesturing with a shoo motion, “leave already?” heasked.

Both ofthem looked reluctant at the idea. Harry was relieved, however, that once hewalked out the room, they did follow. He looked back as he grabbed his coatfrom the coat rack by the front door of his apartment. They both stoodawkwardly watching him.

“Bye?”he tried, eyebrow raised as he popped his coat collar.

“Do youremember the address?” Ginny asked. “For the restaurant?”

“Yes,”Harry answered.

“Whatabout how to get here? Do you need the directions again?” Hermione asked.

“Iremember,” Harry drawled, seeing where this was going.

“Justremember that it’s not some person you’re picking up at a bar,” Ginny said asHarry walked towards them to usher them to the floo. “You’ve got to be a littlemore tactile, a little more classy,” she continued even as she started walking.

“Bepolite,” Hermione added, as if Harry were a child, “and make sure you speakabout appropriate topics for a date.” She turned to give him a threateninglook. “No talk of work, or quidditch, or politics,” she warned.

Harrywondered what she expected him to talk about if she was black listing the onlytopics he knew about.

“Andkeep the conversation light,” Ginny added.

“Silenceisn’t a bad thing,” Hermione pointed out.

“Butnot too much, don’t let it get awkward.”

“And besure to ask questions about the person, but don’t shy away from answering thoseabout yourself.”

“Anddon’t close off if they do ask about you.”

“Or getdefensive.”

“Butdon’t ask too many questions, either. This is a date, not an interrogation.”

“Speakingof interrogations, did we mention not to bring up work? Don’t bring up work.”

“Yes.Okay. All right. All right,” Harry laughed, literally pushing them into thefloo.

Hermionetwisted back, eyes locking onto Harry’s and a soft smile coming to her face.Her hand cupped Harry’s cheek as she said, “Oh, and, Harry, don’t forget to beyourself.”

Withthat the floo whisked them away, concerned, nervous, hopeful looks and all.

Harrysighed as he was left alone, and nodded to himself.

It washigh time he got going. He grabbed a handful of floo powder, stepped into thefloo, and clearly intoned the destination.

Harrymanaged to stumble only slightly out of the floo when he arrived, one blockaway from the restaurant. The cold February weather hit him straight away,stealing his breath with a sharp wind and light snow flurries. Harry shoved hishands in his coat pockets and started walking.

Thestreets were moderately busy, but luckily with the snowy weather, nobody waspaying much attention to who was out. Harry was able to get to the restaurantwithout being stopped once for an autograph.

When hearrived, he eyed the outside with suspicion. It was a rustic brick buildingwith sleek black doors and a simple sign with the restaurant’s name written inelegant script. Hermione and Ginny had said it was a more upper-class place,but this was nothing like he’d imagined.

As thewind whipped through his coat, Harry shivered and headed towards the door.

Hepushed through the door and was hit with welcome warmth. There was the softsound of conversations that blended together to create a calm atmosphere, and asweet melody played on a piano from somewhere in the room. The restaurantseemed to glow with warm candle light, giving off a sense of peaceful intimacy.

Thiswas not at all what Harry had been expecting.

Thiswas downright romantic.

Harrynoted with annoyance that a part of him fluttered with warmth at it all. Hesquashed down those feelings, unwilling to allow his traitorous hopeless romanticcharacteristics to come bursting through the wall he’d constructed around hisheart.

As hetried to rub some warmth back into his hands, Harry approached a man in astrictly formal suit behind a black podium.

“Hello,I’m supposed to be meeting someone here? I’m a bit late, so they’ve probablyalready arrived. Name should be under ‘Fawkes’ for a table of two?” Harry saidto the unfazed man.

Harrywasn’t too surprised that in a place like this, the staff were more acquaintedto seeing recognizable witches and wizards walk in the door. He did note ayoung girl who was supposed to be showing an elderly couple to a table hadfroze upon seeing him, blinking rapidly with her mouth slightly agape. Hertraining must have kicked in, however, as she managed to get herself undercontrol and continued on with the customers she had. Harry was pleasantlysurprised.

Theother guests were not as polite, and as he turned to scan the restaurant, hewas recognized. The whispers started, and people were pausing in their meals,forks up to their mouths, as their eyes darted to him in shock. Several peopleturned around in their chairs to stare at him.

Harryignored them in favor of listening to the waiter’s directions to his table.

“Thanks,”he responded, giving the man a small smile. He started to take his coat off ashe walked, eyes scanning the restaurant.

Harryspotted the table towards the back of the restaurant. It was small and round, acrisp white tablecloth laid over top and a candle in the middle. Someone wassat at the table already, sitting in the seat Harry would most likely havechosen for himself if he had gotten there early enough, one that looked out tothe rest of the restaurant. A perfect place to keep an eye on things.

It waswith a jolt of shock that Harry recognized the man sitting at the table.

SeverusSnape sat eyeing him over a glass of red wine. It was the closest Harry everthought he would see the man get to Gryffindor colors. Severus looked the sameas he did when Harry had first met him, except his hair had grown to shoulderlength over the years, and had, to Harry’s amusement, gotten layers, addingvolume and a nice texture to it.

He waswearing his robes, of course. It left everything to the imagination becauseHarry couldn’t see a damn thing other than folds of black fabric hangingloosely around him. Harry felt naked in comparison.

Snapehad yet to take his eyes off him, and Harry figured, if the cautiouscalculating look in his dark eyes was anything to go by, Snape had yet to understandwhat was happening. If he did, he surely would be up and out the door. Thiswas, after all, a blind date for them both. Ginny and Hermione had told himthat in an attempt to assure Harry the other person was just as nervous as hewas.

WhenHarry made it to the table, he wasn’t sure what to do. Snape still hadn’t doneanything, and Harry took it to mean he was waiting for Harry to say somethingfirst. The man’s eyes narrowed at him as the silence stretched on.

“Er,hi?” Harry said lamely. He shifted uncomfortably in the silence that followedit, and when Snape still didn’t react, he decided to just sit down as they werebound to be being watched and he didn’t want to draw any more attention.

Itseemed, as he went to pull the chair out that Snape finally clocked on. Theolder wizard’s eyes widened in complete shock.

“No,”he said.

Harryblinked.

No?What did that mean? No, Harry couldn’t sit down? No, Harry wasn’t his date? No,Harry wasn’t actually there? No, what?

“Um,pardon me?” Harry asked, a little meekly as he did sit down.

“Thisis some ridiculous joke you and the headmaster have planned, and I want no partof it,” Snape stated angrily. Harry wondered if he’d get up and storm out. Itwas a dramatic enough exit that he’d do it, too.

“I wasunder the impression that this was a blind date set up by Hermione and Ginny,”Harry managed to explain rather calmly.

“Didyou know?” Snape asked, ignoring him. At Harry’s apparent confusion, heclarified, “Did you know you were meeting me?”

Thetone he asked it in told Harry to tread very carefully. It was a bit likefacing off with a snake, except this one Harry couldn’t just order about. Thisone was far more dangerous than a snake. For a moment, Harry wondered how Snapewould feel about that thought. Was it a compliment or an insult? Snape was aSlytherin, Head of Slytherin at that, and he did always seem to like having theability to intimidate others. Though, at the same time he had almost diedbecause of a snake and was sure to have many unpleasant memories that involvedsnakes. So, Harry wasn’t sure. He supposed it could be taken either way. Fromthe look on Snape’s face though, Harry also supposed he should answer the manbefore he ended up with fangs in hisneck.

“No,”he replied. Honesty was the best policy, right? “I was completely blind to whomy date would be, and I’m assuming that you were too?”

“Yes.”

Itdidn’t take a brilliant Legilimens to know that Snape was uncomfortable. Beforethe man could bolt, Harry tried to save the situation.

“Look,I know you probably aren’t too happy with this,” Snape raised a single eyebrowat this statement, “but it doesn’t mean the evening has to go to waste,” Harrytold him. He gestured to the nice table and the wine in Snape’s hand. “It’s allbeing paid for, right?” Snape nodded, going back to that cautious andcalculated look of his. “Then why don’t we just enjoy our evening as twofriends having dinner together?”

“Thisis hardly the place where two friends have dinner together,” Snape drawled, andHarry chose not to comment on the fact that the man had no instantly arguedagainst Harry calling them friends.

“Well,now it is,” Harry said instead.

“It isnot,” Snape challenged, and Harry wondered if it would actually kill Snape toagree with him for once. “We might as well just leave now and go home,” Snapesaid.

“Why?”Harry asked in confusion. Was spending one dinner with him so bad? Sure, it wasa rather intimate and romantic place, but that didn’t mean they had to treatthe evening like that. It didn’t have to be a date. Harry blinked. “It doesn’thave to be a date. Just stay for a little while.”

Snaperegarded him silently, and Harry found himself holding his breath as he waitedfor a reply.

“Fine,”Snape said. He brought his wine glass to his lips, and muttered, “It’d be ashame to waste the wine anyway,” before downing the rest of it.

“Great.”

Harrypicked up his menu and scanned through it. Just as he was reading about theirfavored lamb dish, he heard Snape scoff at him quietly. He glanced up inquestion.

“Isthere a problem?”

“We’reon a date,” Snape said as if that explained it all.

“We’renot on a date!” Harry replied quickly, voice going up an octave. Why did Snapecontinue to insist this was a date? Harry had said it didn’t have to be a date!Yet Snape kept saying it over and over. Harry frowned, his brow crinkling. Hecouldn’t read Snape’s face, but something flickered across it for a moment. Itmade Harry’s frown deepen before he had an idea. Unsure, Harry cleared histhroat, and voiced a light and cautious, “Unless you want it to be?”

Therewas a beat of silence, which was excruciatingly awkward and anxiety inducing,and then, right when Harry was about to surely die from embarrassment, Snapescoffed again. Harry felt himself prickle at it.

“What?” he asked the older man, feelingthat familiar flare of anger Harry had often felt around Snape during his yearsat Hogwarts.

“I donot date, Potter,” Snape replied.

“Ever?”Harry couldn’t help but ask in astonishment. He thought with all the attentionSnape was getting, men and women, he would have thought Snape would at least goout a couple times with someone who intrigued him. If he never went on dates,maybe Snape worried that he wouldn’t be any good on them and thought it was toolate to start? “If your nervous about your first-“ Harry started but Snape cuthim off with a sharp look and a sneer.

“I’vebeen on dates before,” he replied venomously, the ‘you idiot’ was left off butjust barely. Harry found him once again reminded of the snake analogy.

“Thenwhy did you say you-“

“Datesare simply the social etiquette required to be displayed before two people canbed each other without causing a scandal,” Snape interrupted him again. He eyedHarry before adding, “I’d have thought you of all people would be familiar withthe concept.”

“Idon’t take them on a date first,” Harry said in confusion, completely unable tothink about the fact he was talking about dating and one night stands withSnape.

Snaperaised an eyebrow at him. “My, my, and to think the Golden Boy can’t even bebothered to show a modicum of gentlemen behavior before he does a Fuck-N-Run,”Snape said in a cool voice full of amusement.

“Fuck-N-Run?!”Harry repeated in disbelief. He couldn’t believe they were talking about this.That he was talking about this with Snape. That Snape had just said ‘fuck’ andsaid it so casually. That Snape had just called a one-night stand a‘Fuck-N-Run’ of all things.

Snapeleaned in, black eyes hard.

“Keepyour voice down,” he hissed. 

Harryglanced around and saw several people were watching them in surprise. Hesupposed he did say that a bit loud. He was caught off guard, though. Hecouldn’t help it.

“Isthat what you do, then?” Harry batted back after composing himself a bit.

Raisingan eyebrow, Snape replied, “How is that any of your concern?”

“I’dlike to know if that’s what you plan to do to me,” Harry askedconversationally, giving as good as he got. He thought he saw a slight twitchof Snape’s lip at that, but he wasn’t sure. He watched, keeping still andstanding his ground as Snape’s eyes quickly ran over him.

“Isthat an offer?” Snape asked in a bored voice.

“Youdidn’t answer my question,” Harry pointed out.

BeforeSnape could reply, a waiter came for their order. Harry suddenly realized hehadn’t actually chosen yet, but remembered reading about the lamb before he andSnape started talking. He ordered the lamb and Snape ordered the duck, actingas though it were nothing out of the ordinary that they were on a not dateblind date, and that they hadn’t just had that conversation.

Notwanting a strained silence to fall between them for the rest of the night,Harry tried to get them back on track for thatevening-dinner-between-two-friends thing they had both agreed to. Or did they?He thought they did?

“Howare classes?” he asked as a waiter poured him some wine. He looked up from thenow full glass of wine to see Snape arching a brow at him yet again. He sighed.“This would be a lot easier if you’d just play along.”

“Theonly reason I play along on dates is because the payoff is usually somehalf-way decent sex,” the man replied. “As I’m not getting that, I don’t seewhy I should play along at all.”

“Wasthat what tonight was going to be to you no matter who sat down at this table?”Harry asked.

“Yes.”

Harrywas mildly surprised at the honesty. “Why not just get a girlfriend?” Harryasked, and snorted into his glass at the look of horror that came over Snape’sface at the suggestion. “Not a romantic I take it?”

“Whatabout me, Mister Potter, makes you think I’d be a romantic?” Snape asked,looking at Harry in a chiding way.

“It’dbe easier than having to woo your date every time you want to get laid,” Harryquipped back. “It’s Harry, by the way,” he added, not willing to ignore the useof his last name. They were on a date after all, Snape could at least use hisfirst name. Or rather, they weren’t on a date, but it was like a date, but not,but-

Thiswas getting confusing.

“Muchlike yourself, Harry, I’m more of theFuck-N-Run type as well,” Snape said. Snape’s eyes narrowed. “Now, will youanswer my question, or will you be avoiding that one as well?”

“Youseem to be forgetting those memories you gave me. I know exactly how romanticyou secretly are, Severus, and sodoes the rest of the world ever since your trial,” Harry said, enjoying thealmost slip of emotion on Snape’s face at the use of his given name. He’d notactually given Harry permission to use it, but Harry figured considering theirsetting, he would use it anyway. “I’m surprised you’ve not got people throwingthemselves at you for a shag. No polite society demanding date required,” hecontinued. “Now that you’re a hero and all that.”

“I’mnot a hero,” Snape said in disgust. “And unlike you I don’t fuck anybody whocompliments my eyes,” he replied with a toothy grin.

“Thatis not what happened!” Harry said in annoyance. He narrowed his eyes at Snapein realization. “I wouldn’t have thought you’d be the type to read gossipmagazines,” he said suspiciously.

“Confiscatedfrom a third year during class,” Snape replied easily. “You were the coverstory.”

“Noticedthat, did you? It seems it’s either you or me that makes it on there weekly.Mad that I took your spot, are you? Hoping to see yourself on there withanother riveting piece on your heroism and bad-boy attitude?” Harry askedinnocently.

“Don’tremind me,” Snape said, lip curling at the thought. “They’re pathetic. Don’tthey have anything better to publish?”

“Wesell best.”

“That’seven more disturbing.”

“You’llget used to it,” Harry said. At Snape’s look of disbelief, he smiled and shookhis head. “I mean eventually you’ll learn to stop caring. It’s hard sometimes,and there will be times that something gets to you, but you have to let it go.”

“Anddoes it get to you often?”

“No,but then again I’ve had years of practice,” Harry replied. “I’ve been dealingwith this since I’ve been eleven,” he shrugged. “There’s not much they can doanymore to get to me.”

“Idon’t like it,” Snape admitted with a frown.

“Neitherdo I,” Harry also admitted.

Whentheir food arrived, they ate in silence for a while before Harry broke it onceagain.

“So howare classes going?”

“Studentsseem to be more stupid than ever and they seem to think by nearly killingthemselves they’ll somehow endear themselves to me,” Snape replied.

“Thatsounds… less than ideal.”

“Thiswhole idealization of me is irritating,” Snape said. “It’s caused problem afterproblem, and now it’s endangering the lives of my students. I want it overwith.”

“Goodluck with that,” Harry laughed and they continued to eat in peace again.

Snapelooked uncomfortable for moment. Harry kept eating. He figured if Snape hadanything to say to him, he could be the first one to talk. Harry just enjoyed hislamb.

“How doyou do it?” Snape finally asked after a while. It sounded like it might havepained him a bit to have to ask, but he was looking at Harry a bit desperately.

“Pardon?”Harry asked in confusion.

“How doyou deal with it,” Snape asked again, gritting his teeth. “With,” he searchedfor the words, and Harry waited patiently, “with all of it,” he said. Hisshoulders slumped a bit, just a fraction really, but it spoke loads to anyonewho’d been around him long enough.

“I justignore it,” Harry said simply. He watched Snape for a while. He took in thedark eyes, the bags under them, the tension running across Snape’s body, theway everything, even his skin, seemed to say tired, and done, andguessed. “You’re stressed,” he stated. Snape laughed bitterly.

“Yourgenius astounds me,” the man drawled.

“No,”Harry shook his head, “you don’t get it. Your problem isn’t the attention. Yourproblem is dealing with the stress that attention causes.” Snape looked backblankly at him. Harry shifted in his seat, leaning closer. “You need a way torelieve the stress. In Hogwarts, I used Quidditch. Now I use my work.”

“Andwhen your work is the cause of your stress?”

“I letloose by going out.”

“Whichin turn causes more stress from the scandalous sex tales that come aboutthereafter.”

“No, Idon’t care about them. Sex is actually a really good stress reliever,” Harrysaid with a shrug. “Maybe you should try that.”

“Whatdo you think I was trying to do tonight?” Snape asked, eyebrow raised.

“Wow,you weren’t even going to try to give this a chance?” Harry laughed. “What ifI’d been some fantastic man or woman that you’d be great with? You wouldn’teven try?”

Thatreceive two raised eyebrows.

“Don’ttry to act like you’re any better,” Snape replied. “You’re just here to nodoubt get Granger and Weasley to leave you alone,” Snape said, and it wasannoying how he managed to actually get it right.

“They’reboth Weasley, actually,” Harry pointed out. “For the record, I would have gavethe person a chance, if I thought they were worth it.” Harry felt a flare ofanger at the look Snape gave him at that. “I would have! In fact, I’d havegiven you a chance if you’d asked for it!”

“Howtouching,” Snape replied.

“It’sno wonder you’ve not got a girlfriend,” Harry muttered.

“Everyoneseems rather insistent that I have one of those,” Snape said, “It’s ratherannoying.”

“Whynot give it a shot then?”

“I’veyet to meet anyone who interests me for more than a few minutes,” Snape saidhonestly, and Harry wondered if the wine was getting to him. He was on histhird glass. “Everyone is so boring.”

“Youseem not to be too bored with me this evening,” Harry said and he actuallydidn’t mean to say that so maybe he should stop drinking the wine as well? Hewas only on the one glass, so he wasn’t sure why he said that. Impulse controlwas never his strong suit, but that was a bit-

Snape’slaugh cut his train of thought right off. “Are you saying you’d like to beconsidered?” Snape asked. This conversation was heading in a vastly differentdirection than it had been intended to go.

“Asyour girlfriend?” Harry asked in disbelief.

“I’dhave thought ‘boyfriend’ would do, but if that’s what you’d want to be called…”he trailed off with a smirk. He swirled his wine in his glass, looking down atthe red waves. “But I must admit, the idea of you in a dress and stockings israther intriguing,” he added before drinking the wine.

Harrysputtered. Snape smirked further.

“Ithink you’ve had enough,” Harry said and made to take Snape’s glass away. Snapelet him take the empty thing from him, and sat back in his chair in amusement.

“I’mnot drunk,” he said.

“Sureyou’re not.”

“Ithought you were the one who wanted us to play pretend?”

“Oh, doyou get drunk on all your dates? Is that the secret to wooing them all? Getdrunk then take them back to your place for a Fuck-N-Run.”

“Idon’t take anyone back to my place,” Snape replied. “Doesn’t make it easy to dothe ‘run’ bit if they’re the one who needs to leave.”

Harrylaughed. “Right. Of course.” Harry looked at his plate and Snape’s, andconcluded that they had both finished. “Let’s get you home,” he said beforedrinking the last few mouthfuls of his wine.

Snapeseemed to sober shockingly fast.

“Youseem to be under the delusion that I’m both drunk and in need of yourassistance,” his former professor said. “I assure you I am neither.”

Harrysighed at the hostile tone of Snape’s voice. They’d been having a nice time,for a second there at least. Not the type of conversation he’d imagined everhaving with Snape, but nice all the same. The look in Snape’s eyes now,however, told Harry he was one wrong word away from causing a fight and hereally did not want to deal with that.

He wasalready on a date. A real date. In public. With Snape. In this type ofrestaurant. People had been watching them all night. There was bound to begossip about it tomorrow if not an article the day after that. The last thinghe needed was Snape causing a scene.

“Can wenot do this here?” he asked. “Let’s just go.”

Snapedidn’t say anything. He simply got up and started walking to the door.

Harrysighed, and followed. Did the man have to be so bloody dramatic abouteverything?

Severuslet the cold February air hit him as he was deposited outside of therestaurant, the click of the doors sounding softly behind him. It was stillsnowing, and the streets were emptying at the late hour. With a mumbled spell,his body heated and he carried on down the street.

In thefresh snowfall, his footprints were covered up easily. He focused on that, andthe crisp air instead of what had happened inside. He wasn’t ready to thinkabout it, to fully process what had just occurred. Not until he had a canter ofscotch and his comfortable dressing gown on.

Regardlessof these plans, and his needs, his mind thought about it anyway. He’d agreed togo on a blind date, and his date had turned out to be Harry Potter. Despitewhat Harry had tried to convince them both, what they had just sat through wasa date.

A gooddate at that.

Severushadn’t expected it, and he was thrown off by it all. He berated himself forallowing the night to continue past Harry’s greeting, and especially for the flirting that had started towards theend of it. What was he thinking? All he wanted to do now was to get home, butof course, Harry bloody Potter wouldn’t let that happen.

“Severus!”Harry called, running to catch up.

Severusclosed his eyes at Harry saying his name. That bloody Gryffindor and hisinsistence to break all rules, even social. He was foolish, reckless idiot whowas going to give Severus more trouble, or at the least a headache. Again,Severus found himself asking what he was thinking.

Harrycaught up and he turned to face him. As he slowed down from his run, he put thecoat he had clearly grabbed on his way out the door on, the movement causinghim to stretch slightly and his shirt to go taunt on one side, revealing thelovely sculpted body that was hinted at by the clothing. His cheeks wereslightly rosy with the wind and exertion of running in the opposite directionit was blowing. His hair was ruffled by it as well, and his eyes were shinninga vivid green.

Yes.Well. It seemed Severus had his answer. He was thinking that Harry Potter was alittle bit gorgeous, and it wasn’t so hard to see why anyone would losethemselves in a date with him.

“Why’dyou leave like that?” Harry asked.

“I’mgoing home,” Severus replied.

Harryopened his mouth to speak, but was cut off as a lightbulb went off in a flash.He blinked in rapid succession, and they both turned to see Rita Skeeter appearfrom nowhere with a quill and parchment in the air and a lackey by her sidewith the camera. She had a thin-lipped grin on her face, with a smudge of red lipstickon her front teeth, which spoke of headlines and nefarious plans.

“SeverusSnape and Harry Potter out and about, eh?” the cockroach asked with a gleam inher eye. “Whatever shall we think of it?” She looked between them both, and thecamera went off again.

“How’dyou know where to find us?” Harry asked, looking irritated and confused. Thecamera went off again, this time aimed at just him.

“I’vegot my sources,” Skeeter said in a tone that told them all that she wasn’tsaying anything else on the matter. “Word is that you two were just at thatlittle restaurant with the fancy food, intimate spaces, and romanticatmosphere,” she said, gleefully teasing.

“Nocomment,” Harry said.

Severusglanced at him, unsure how to feel about that or any of this. He’d managed toavoid anything like this so far.

“Lookslike your boyfriend here’s a bit hurt by that,” Skeeter said, the quill writingaway and the camera going off in Severus’s face. “Care to comment,” she said,question for either of them.

“We’renot together!” Harry sputtered.

“Justtwo heroes out on a romantic stroll through the glittering snow after anintimate dinner on valentine’s day?”

“It’snot valentine’s day!” Harry said incredulously.

Skeeterdidn’t reply. The quill, however, kept writing.

“Doesthis mean you’re done with your playboy days, Harry?” Skeeter asked after abeat.

“I’mnot-“

“Throwingaway the strings of girls, and boys, who you’ve left broken hearted aftersingle nights of fevered passion, all because you’ve found love with your DeathEater turned Hero, Order of Merlin First Class, former Professor SeverusSnape?” Skeeter said in one breath, cutting Harry off as the quill scratchedaway furiously, stopping on the last syllabus of Skeeter’s spun story.

“Youforgot renown Potions Master,” Harry muttered sarcastically. Skeeter’s eyesnarrowed and the quill seemed to look at Harry as well before it jotted thatdown too. Harry’s jaw locked, and his hands fisted his robes.

“Ithink it best for you to leave,” Severus said calmly.

Skeeterlooked at him in amusement.

“Leave?”she repeated as if the idea were ludicrous. “I’m just getting started.”

Withnarrowed eyes of his own, Severus simply replied, “I think not,” in a firm,quiet voice.

Skeeterlooked back at him without a drop of hesitation, and turned back to Harry. “Howdoes it feel being in love? Afraid it’ll end like your last relationship?Splashed out on the pages of every newspaper and magazine for everyone to seeyou were simply being used for their fifteen minutes of fame, never reallyloved, just used and manipulated as you’ve always been, nobody to truly carefor you, only ever wanted for your body and money, never truly wanted for-“

“That,”Severus said, stepping forward and lowering his voice in a threatening tone,“is quite enough.”

Skeeterpaused, and Severus kept his hard gaze on her even as she kept her eyes onHarry. The flash of a camera went off, and Severus snapped.

Hiswand was in his hand before Skeeter could blink. “Flipendo,” he said quietly,casting the jinx and following it up with, “Furnunculus,” as Skeeter fell tothe ground. The lackey froze, and Severus just raised an eyebrow at him. Theman disapparated on the spot. To Skeeter, Severus looked down and whispered,“if you come near either me or Mister Potter again, I’ll do a lot more thanthat.”

It wasthe tamest threat he’d made yet Skeeter whimpered.

Withnothing else to say, Severus continued walking down the street, leaving Harrystaring open mouthed at Skeeter on the ground, boils covering her face.

He hadalmost made it a good ten feet before Harry caught up with him again. The youngauror jogged up to his side, clearly trying to say something but unable to putit into words. Severus held back from commenting on his lack of eloquence, butjust barely.

“Thanks,”Harry said eventually.

“It tookyou that long to come up with that?” Severus asked, and damn he’d been doing sowell not commenting on Harry’s utterlack of control over the English language.

“I’dlike to say more, but it all really just leads back to that,” Harry said.

Severushadn’t stopped walking, and he was aware that being taller than Harry gave himthe advantage of long strides, but he didn’t slow down to accommodate for theshort Boy Who Lived Twice.

“Thatwas your first time dealing with it head on, wasn’t it?”

“Obviousam I?” Severus couldn’t help drawl back.

“Youcan’t really go around jinxing every reporter,” Harry laughed, and Severusstopped himself from saying ‘watch me’ and kept his mouth shut. “EspeciallySkeeter,” Harry continued. “She’ll write up a completely false story just tospite you for it now.”

“Ithought I was supposed to ignore it,” Severus said. Before Harry could answer,he continued with, “She should have stopped when I told her. She had no rightassuming those things.”

“Wellshe was kind of right,” Harry said tilting his head in thought.

Severuslooked at him sharply. In what way, exactly, was Skeeter right? Despite theirlittle conversation, they were most certainly not dating, and as Harry hadinsisted that was not a date that they had just been on. Or were on?

“I’m abit curious as to what she’ll write up now,” Harry admitted.

“Andhere I thought you’d put your arrogant, self-centered ways behind you,” Severusreplied. Harry chuckled. “It’ll probably be something about you declaring yourundying love for me,” he said, thinking aloud.

“Probably,”Harry agreed.

“Youdon’t seem too upset,” Severus pointed out lightly.

“As yousaid,” Harry replied, “you’re supposed to ignore what they write.” They turned thecorner, the floos were in sight at the far end of the street. “Besides, I havealways fancied you a bit since fifth year,” Harry added nonchalantly.

Severus’sbrain went blank for a second, and he barely managed to keep walking. He felthimself tense and couldn’t even wonder if Harry had noticed because he himselfwasn’t capable of thought at the moment because what the bloody fuck did he just say?

“Severus?”Harry called and when Severus blinked, he saw that they were standing in frontof the floos.

Oh.

“Perhapsyou shouldn’t floo right now?” Harry said worriedly. Severus didn’t sayanything. “Why don’t we walk around a bit longer?” Harry suggested. “There’s anice little lake a couple streets over with a bridge across it.”

Severusnodded.

They walkedback out onto the main street in silence. Severus wasn’t sure how to react. Hesuddenly felt very self-conscious and was overly aware of everything aroundhim. He heard the crunch of the snow beneath their feet, the muffled music frominside a store, the soft sounds of life behind the doors of another restaurantthey pass. It was all sharp and focused and a bit overwhelming.

Harry,of course, was oblivious to what he’d done.

“Thiswasn’t so bad as far as blind dates go,” Harry said and that was not the rightthing for him to say, but maybe it was because finally Severus found words.

“Ithought it wasn’t a date,” he replied.

“I saidit could be if you wanted,” Harry countered.

Acouple seconds of silence went by, and before Harry could ask, Severus said, “Isuppose it wasn’t as bad as it could have been, no.”

“Didyou, er, did you ever fancy me?” Harry asked. “Before? Like I did? Not that I’msaying you do now, although I was rather under the impression that you mightfrom what-“

“Yes,”Severus cut the babbling off.

“Oh,”Harry replied. “Good.”

Severusdidn’t respond.

“Didyou ever fancy me as a student?” Harry asked nervously.

Yes, Severus thought. Aloud he said,“Perhaps,” and left it at that.

“Oh,”Harry said. Then, “Why didn’t you ever do anything about it?”

“Youwere my student,” Severus answered, looking at Harry to see how he couldpossibly not understand that.

“So?”

Severusglared at him.

Hecouldn’t be serious. How could he not understand? Harry was in fifth year. Hewas his student. He was Harry bloody Potter. He was a reckless, troublesome,impulsive, beautiful Gryffindor. Nothing would have happened. Nothing could have happened.

“Weshould have done this ages ago,” Harry said, letting it go.

“Dowhat?”

“Go outon a date.”

“Oh, sofinally admitting it, are we?”

“Ididn’t mind admitting it! I told you that it could be that if you wanted!You’re the one who didn’t say anything!” Harry huffed.

“Like Isaid, I don’t date.”

“Fuck-N-Run,”Harry said.

Severusfound himself smiling at Harry’s tone. “Although, I must agree. We should havedone this sooner.”

It wasas close to romantic as he was going to let himself get.

Theyhad made it to the lake. Severus looked out at it, and had to admit it wasrather beautiful. The frozen lake had a thin covering of snow on it, and itsparkled in the moonlight. The bridge was wrought iron, and the railing wasintricately detailed with loops and crosses. A sliver of moonlight shone acrossthe lake. There were several lamp posts scattered throughout the small parkgiving just enough of light to the rest of the park.

Theywalked onto the bridge and stopped half way. Snape didn’t seem to be in themood to say anything more, but Harry itched to talk. They’d just admitted to fancyingeach other eight years ago, and possibly for that duration. They had things todiscuss.

Like ifthey could do this again. Next Friday. Or sooner.

Harryleaned against the railing, sighing as he tried to think of something to say.He was aware of Snape standing rather rigidly next to him, and he felt a pangof regret for having caused Snape’s relaxed state to vanish in the restaurant.It had been so nice. Snape was so different when he relaxed. Well, notdifferent, not really. He was still his sarcastic, venomous, brilliant self.There was just something, a small change that made a big difference, which madehim feel different that Harry hadsensed.

Harrycollided with the floor of the bridge with a heavy thud, gasping at the impactand cold.

“Expelliarmus,”Snape’s deep voice said. Harry turned quickly, pushing to a sitting position asSnape then said, “Orbis,” in a quiet and deadly voice.

Withwide eyes, Harry saw a man with a scruffy beard and a crumpled robe get suckedinto the ground. He yelled in anger, wiggling the top part of his body as hetried to get out. Snape’s narrowed gaze watched every movement as he held hiswand ready.

Aboutto thank the man for yet again saving his life, Harry opened his mouth a momentbefore he spotted another wizard appear at the end of the bridge. He whippedhis wand out, causing Snape’s eyes to snap to him, and yelled out, “Expelliarmus!”

Thewizard blocked this disarming spell easily, and Harry jumped up as he did so.Snape turned to face the wizard, wand up and eyes glittering with recognition.It was a reminder to Harry that they had yet to round up all the Death Eaters,and that Snape was in danger every day as a result.

“LocomotorMortis,” the Death Eater said, the leg-locking curse aimed at Snape.

Harry jumpedin front of him shielded them both with a flick of his wand. “Ebublio,” Harrycast, but the Death Eater managed to dodge out of the way before being encasedin a bubble. “Petrificus Totalus!” Harry tried again.

“Confringo!”the Death Eater said as he spun away from the spell. Harry and Snape jumpedback as the bright teal light hurtled towards them. It hit a tree at theopposite end of the park and exploded it into smithereens.

Panting,Harry looked over to check if Snape was okay. The man was pushing himself to astand, his wand already up.

“Crucio!”the Death Eater yelled before Snape was able to say a thing.

Harryran, shoving himself into Snape and tackling him to the ground as the red lightmissed them both narrowly.

“Potter!”Snape yelled indignantly.

“Expulso!”the Death Eater yelled again, walking towards them.

Harryignored Snape, pushing up to a kneeling position and blocking the older wizardfrom view. He blocked the burst of blue light from hitting either of them, andraised his wand. “Locomotor Wibbly,” Harry said, and the man wasn’t fast enoughto block the curse. He fell to the ground with a yell as his legs gave out.

Harrythrew another jinx at him, but the Death Eater seemed to have better reflexesthan most of his friends, as he rolled away and back up on his feet.

TheTempest jinx was flying at Harry before he could get away, but Snape suddenlyyanked him back down. The lightning strikes hit another tree, and a fire burstto life in the park. Harry looked down at Snape, and smiled before the olderman pushed him off and they both stood.

BeforeSnape could cast anything back, Harry hit the Death Eater with a stinging jinx.As the man yelped in pain, Harry pushed himself off Snape and back onto hisfeet. Instantly, he was dueling with the Death Eater, curses and jinxes flyingback and forth.

WhenHarry narrowly missed the sickly green light of the killing curse, Snape triedto jump into the fight with a spell Harry hadn’t heard before. It wasridiculous that Snape still knew so much more than Harry when it was Harry’sjob to know these things, but then again Harry wouldn’t be surprised to learnthat it was one of Snape’s own inventions.

TheDeath Eater sent a curse back at Snape, but Harry interfered, earning amurderous glare from his former professor. Harry didn’t have time to event sendhim an apologetic glance as the Death Eater turned his attention back to him.

“Crucio!”the Death Eater called out again, but their dueling had taken it’s toll on himand he wobbled forward as he cast it, causing the curse to miss Harry byseveral feet.

Italmost hit Snape, as the man once again tried to join the fight. Enough wasenough, Harry decided. He wouldn’t let Snape get hurt. He was the auror here,and it was high time he showed them all why he was, as Hermione pointed out,the best the Ministry had.

“PetrificusTotalus,” Harry said with a hint of apology, aiming it at Snape. The man lookedback in complete surprise. Harry guessed the only reason he didn’t block it wasthat he clearly was not expecting it, and there was a look of betrayal on hisface right before he went rigid. “Stupefy!” Harry yelled at the Death Eaterwalking towards them both, forcing himself back into the fight and his guiltaway.

TheDeath Eater blocked it easily, continuing his advance. He threw severalwordless spells at Harry, but Harry blocked every one of them. They were fastlocked back into their duel, lunging and spinning as deadly spells were flungat each other. Harry was relentless, casting nonverbal and verbal spells oneafter the other as he blocked those that came at him.

As justa couple minutes went by, Harry noted the Death Eater was tiring out, and heleapt on his chance. He increased the speed of his attacks as he fired offspell after spell. The Death Eater stumbled back, but managed to steady himselfon a tree. He threw another Cruciatus Curse at Harry, but Harry was able toduck it and yell back, “Sectumsempra,” as he did. 

Stillfrozen, Snape couldn’t react, but Harry found himself glancing at the man allthe same. He wondered how he felt at hearing Harry use his curse. This errorcost Harry, as suddenly he was found himself hit with a spell that knocked thebreath out of him and sent him flying over the bridge.

The iceon the lake cracked with a harsh sound, and Harry had a split second to gasp atthe impact and the sting across his arm and hands before he was plummeted intothe icy water below. The cold rushed across his body, soaking into his verybones and he swam up to the surface urgently.

Hemanaged to gasp for air before seeing a red light coming at him in hisperipheral vision. He ducked back under the water, pushing his hands againstthe ice underneath to force himself deep down into the lake.

The iceabove cracked once more and then the water above rippled violently as anexplosion shook the water. Harry started to swim, trying to get away and keephold of his wand as the cold started to freeze him. His fingers were feelingnumb and he was running out of air, but the Death Eater kept throwing curseafter curse after him.

Harrycould hear muffled cries of various blasting and exploding curses. He looked upjust in time to see the ice take the green light of the killing curse, blastingit apart. Harry started to swim back the other way, desperately needing air nowand unable to cast anything when his fingers were so cold he wasn’t sure hecouldn’t feel them around his wand.

As hebroke the surface he gasped, and the cold weather hit his wet, freezing body.He pushed himself out of the water quickly as another curse came hurtlingtowards him. He rolled across the ice, thankful that it didn’t crack againunder him and plunge him back in the water below.

Harrycast a nonverbal heating charm on his fingers as the Death Eater made his wayacross the bridge for better aim at Harry. Feeling was coming back into hisfingers, but it wasn’t quick enough for Harry to block the pale light that leftthe Death Eater’s wand. Harry rolled away again just as the spell hit him inthe side. It sliced through, warm blood dripping oozing out in large dropletsbefore starting to gush properly. The water still on Harry’s body helped theblood spread across his body and soak into his clothes, dripping down onto thewhite snow and clear ice.

“Impedimenta!”Harry yelled, gritting his teeth against the pain and getting up.

TheDeath Eater was caught by the jinx, and was raising his arm in slow motion, hiseyes just starting to widen in recognition of the spell that came at him.

“Expelliarmus!”Harry yelled then, wasting no time. The Death Eater’s wand went flying. “Incarcerous!”Harry yelled again as he walked over.

Tied uptight in a thick rope on the bridge, the Death Eater struggled to free himself tono avail. The impediment jinx had worn off, but with no wand to untie himselfand no hands free, he wasn’t going anywhere.

Itseemed that Snape had regained the ability to move, and was no standing up. Helooked over to where Harry stood by the Death Eater, a mix of emotions on hisface before he hid them all behind a blank mask. Harry tried not to bristle atthe fact that Snape felt he still needed to hide around him.

Harrylooked at the other wizard, still in the ground who was now shouting. “Melofors,”he said quietly, wand pointed lazily at him, and the man’s head was incased ina pumpkin.

“Really,Potter?” Snape said disapprovingly.

Harryshrugged, and then gasped in pain as the movement reminded him of the slice onhis side. He hissed in pain as he lifted his arm to see the blood stainedjacket quickly darkening as more warm blood seeped into it. His jacket andshirt was ruined, and it would be a miracle if the entire outfit wasn’t donefor.

“Let mesee,” Snape said suddenly right in front of him.

Harrylooked up and Snape’s dark eyes met his own. He didn’t look angry. Well, okayhe did, but not the type of angry that was aimed at Harry. Which made no sense.His eyes gave away his concern though, and that made Harry laugh, which in turncaused the concern to flee and the eyes to narrow.

“I’m sorry,”Harry said shaking his head. “It’s just that I thought I’d be fighting you nextconsidering what I did,” he explained.

“Yes,well we can deal with your utter lack of self-preservation another time,” Snapesaid, looking at Harry so that he knew that time would definitely come, justnot now. “Right now you’re hurt and you need medical attention.

“I’mfine,” Harry shook his head.

Hiscoat had a growing dark patch of blood, and the wound was clearly not going tostop bleeding any time soon as the blood dripped down from underneath his coatand onto the bridge. He had left a dripping trail of blood all the way over,which was mixed in with the water that was also dripping off him. He wasshivering from the plunge he took into the lake and the weather outside thatblew an unforgiving wind. He was panting and wheezing, and he could barely keephis eyes open, which Severus wasn’t sure was due to the exertion of what justhappened or the amount of blood he was losing.

“Youare not fine, Harry,” he said. An array of healing charms and potions werelisting themselves in his head, and he made up his mind in a matter of seconds.“I’m taking you back to Hogwarts.”

“Poppyhas enough to worry about without me being there,” Harry tried to laugh butended up grimacing in pain. “Besides, I’m no longer a student,” he added.

“I hadno such plans to take you to Poppy,” Severus replied. “Who do you think brewsall the potions she would be giving you anyway?” he asked with an eyebrowraised.

“Youmean…”

“We’llbe apparating directly into my quarters.”

“But-“

Severusglared at him.

“I’m-“

“If youtry to tell me that you’re fine again I’ll add another jinx to the pile you’ve alreadybeen hit with tonight,” Severus threatened.

“St.Mungo’sthen!” Harry said and Severus wondered why Harry was so against going to hisquarters. “They treat me all the time, and once the other aurors arrive to takethese two they’ll order me there anyway,” Harry said. At Severus’s unchanginglook, he added, “They’re sure to have the same potions as you,” as if thatwould help his case.

Severussnorted at the statement in disgust.

“I’moffended that you would think their potions to be remotely as good as mine.They buy them in stock from some supplier in Ireland,” he explained. “They arenot nearly as good as mine, and you won’t be having them. I also don’t knowwhere this idea that I’d be allowing you to wait around here while you eitherfreeze to death or bleed out just for some bloody aurors to show up to takethese pathetic excuses of wizards away, came from.”

AsHarry clearly tried to think of a reply to that, Severus glanced around to seea crowd had started to form now that the fight had ended. Witches and Wizardswere whispering, some with their wands out in case, others far too caught up inall the drama to think about any further danger.

Annoyed,Severus grabbed Harry’s hand and disapparated them before someone could take apicture.

With acrack, they appeared in Severus’s living room. Severus was aware of the factthat nobody other than Albus has seen his quarters, and having Harry thereshould have felt like an infringement of his privacy, but he didn’t feel thatway at all as Harry practically collapsed in his arms.

“Easythere, Potter,” he said quietly, arms wrapped around the injured auror.

“’SHarry,” was the mumbled reply as green eyes fluttered closed.

Severuspicked him up in his arms, bridal style, and laid him on his black couch. He’ddeal with the blood stains later. Harry whimpered in pain and turned his headwith a wrinkle of his brow. Sighing, Severus looked down and raised his wandover him.

Hebanished all of Harry’s clothes on his top half, leaving him completely dressedbelow the waist. The blood soaked clothing was in a pile on the floor, soppingwet and smelling of iron. Harry shivered and Severus wished he could cast aheating charm to warm him up, but didn’t want to cause the blood to startgushing as it seemed to be slowing ever so slightly. Instead, he covered Harrywith an accio-ed Slytherin green blanket and went to his private store ofpotions.

Hepicked out several, including a blood replenishing one, and headed back toHarry. He placed the potions on the coffee table and kneeled beside thewheezing body. He quietly intoned, “Vulnera Sanentur,” continuing his chantuntil the deep wound on Harry’s side closed up.

Harrywas still wheezing, so he lightly moved his hands to the young man’s rib cage.He pressed down, ignoring Harry’s cry of pain, and felt a small break along histwo of his ribs. He checked with his wand, and confirmed that Harry hadfractured two ribs, most likely when he had been thrown off the bridge.

“Ferula,”Severus cast, binding and splitting the bones. He then placed a warming charmover Harry before turning to the potions on the table. He gave him the bloodreplenishing one first, tipping it into Harry’s mouth and ordering him toswallow.

Alittle voice in his mind told him of all the scenarios he had thought of fortonight that might have involved that exact order, this had not been one ofthem. He told it to shut up, and focused on getting the other potions intoHarry.

As thelast drop of the final potion made its way down Harry’s throat, Severus removedthe blanket covering the young auror. He couldn’t see anything properly as theblood had dried across Harry’s skin. Severus held the tip of his wand rightover the mess, and said, “Tergeo.”

Oncethe dried blood had gone, he could see the faint, long scar that was leftbehind by the slice. Harry opened his eyes slowly, and Severus looked back. Asmile came to Harry’s lips.

“Thankyou,” the young man said. He looked around the room, and Severus wondered whathe was thinking. “You don’t invite anyone back to your place,” Harry recalledaloud.

Severusdidn’t reply.

Harry lookedat him again, a smile stretching his lips.

“Doesthat make me special?” he asked bravely in a teasing tone.

“You’vealways been special,” Severus replied automatically. Harry’s smile widened.

“Ihave, have I?”

“Always,”Severus confirmed, and he hadn’t been aware that they had been leaning in, butnow here they were. Harry’s face was rather close to his, so close that hecould feel his breath on his face and notice the gleam of mischief in the greeneyes, and he had time enough to think that maybe he shouldn’t have given him aPepper Up potion and instead should have let him sleep it off.

ThenHarry was kissing him.

Hislips were chapped and cold, but they were solid beneath his and filled him withwarmth regardless. Harry pulled back for a split second, their lips touchingstill before he pressed forward again and gave him two more smaller, gentlekisses, as if he were testing the waters.

AsHarry went back for a fourth small kiss, Severus moved his hand to the back ofHarry’s head, keeping him in place as he kissed him back. He pressed forward,not letting Harry get away with another delicate press of their lips. He wantedto feel this.

Severus locked their lips together as he movedforward on his knees to press himself further against the edge of the couch andcloser to Harry. He licked across Harry’s bottom lip, and the second his mouthparted he dipped his tongue into the hot mouth.

Relentless,much like Harry had been during that duel, Severus mapped every inch of Harry’smouth. His mind was a jumble of flashbacks, remembering Harry fighting. He’dbeen shocked when Harry had hit him with that curse, and thought for a secondthat Harry had misunderstood, thought that Severus had planned it, and was nowturning against him. Then Harry had fought the Death Eater, forcing him backand away from him, and Severus understood that Harry was protecting him. He didfeel frustrated that Harry thought he was allowed to come to his rescue, andSeverus conveyed that feeling in the kiss. He made it hard, biting, anddominant so that Harry would never question what type of man Severus was.

“Sorry,”Harry gasped away, gulping in air as he clearly got the message.

Severusbrought his mouth back to his own and sighed into the kiss as his tongue wassurrounded by the hot and wet of Harry’s mouth, where it should be. He deepenedthe kiss, stroking deeper into Harry’s mouth, as he pulled Harry close to him.

Flashesof Harry dueling replayed in his mind. He was so fast, so effortless. As ifdueling came as natural as breathing. It was no wonder he was the best aurorthere was, but Merlin was it a sight to behold. Spells came from his lips withease, and Severus groaned at the thought of that as Harry’s tongue movedagainst his own. Severus thought of Harry fighting again, of the way he seemedto think a mile a minute and make fighting, a split second away from death,seem like a beautiful dance as he lunged and dodged, as he spun and cast. Hispower flowed through him and into every spell, the slightest flick of his wristcausing possible devastation. Yet, Harry never once used an Unforgivable. Hewas so talented when it came to dueling. As if the very thing existed solelyfor him.

Severuspulled Harry on top of him as he moaned deep within his chest. His hand slid toHarry’s arse, squeezing as he pulled him up the length of his body, and down tobring them together. Harry gasped into his mouth before letting out a deliciousmoan and sucking on his tongue. Severus encouraged him by continuing to squeezehis arse and starting to grind up into him.

Theycame up for air, and Harry kept his lips away against Severus’s wishes as hehung his head, eyes closed as he focused on their groins. He pushed down hard,making their rutting even more blissful and pulling a gasp from Severus aswell. Harry panted about him, small little grunts coming out of him every sooften.

It wasdisgustingly good. Impossibly good. Abysmally good. Sinful in the dirtiest waysand Severus couldn’t stop. Theypanted and thrust against each other, Severus wasn’t able to settle on closinghis eyes from the utter bliss or forcing them open to watch Harry’s debauchedexpression. Just as he would do the latter the sensations would steal hisbreath away and his eyes would close. He was lost in what felt like everythingright in the world before Harry would make a dirty little sound and he had toopen his eyes to look at the wicked faces Harry made.

Likeboiling shots of promised pure pleasure, Severus’s orgasm started to build lowin stomach. Part of him wanted, needed, the release desperately. This baserside of him egged him on, bringing filthy things to his mind. Filling it withthe earth shattering possibilities of noises that Harry would make, and howhe’d look. Asking him if he wanted to get that blissful feeling along withHarry, making them both hot and sticky with their come. The answers to thesequestions were, of course, yes. More than anything, and the mere thoughts hadhis orgasm building steadily, that so close feeling almost too much for him tothink of denying. Screaming at him to just go a little further and then he’dhave it.

Severuswas thrusting more erratically now, these thoughts tumbling around in his headand making him moan out as Harry seemed to be in the exact same position, callingout in a series of long ah’s as he built crushed their pelvises together.

It wasonly when their pricks brushed, and Severus almost yelled out at it that theother part of him managed to get heard. It’s message was simple: if he came nowthen he wouldn’t be able to fuck Harry yet, and didn’t he want to know whatthat was like? To feel himself buried inside Harry?

Theanswer was a strong and desperate yes.

Severusgrabbed Harry’s hips tightly, stopping him from thrusting any further. Harrywhined and tried to thrust anyway, the absolute loss of control getting toSeverus and forcing him to have to close his eyes in attempt to not orgasmanyway.

“Sev,”Harry pleaded, unable to get anymore of his name out as he made a desperatesound.

“Notyet,” Severus replied, eyes still shut, “not yet.”

Harryrelented and dropped down, his body resting on Severus’s, his pants hitting hisrobes. Severus almost laughed at the thought. He was still fully dressed. He’dalmost came and he hadn’t even taken his clothes off. He smiled into Harry’shair, which was conveniently right under his chin as Harry tucked himself intohim as he calmed down. Severus placed a kiss on his head, one hand staying onHarry’s arse as the other traveled to his back. He stroked the smooth, leanmuscle and smiled at Harry’s content sigh.

Soonenough, Harry’s hands found him as well. They started to tug on his robes, andhe moved his head to look down at Harry. Green eyes met his.

“Wantthem off,” Harry said resolutely, then went back to tugging. He managed to pushthe black material off his shoulders, and Severus just let him, not activelyhelping. “Sev,” Harry whined when he couldn’t tug the material any further withSeverus’s arms wrapped around him the way they were.

Severuswondered if this new nickname was something Harry planned to use in the future,and gave Harry, or rather his hair, a curious glance. He wasn’t completelyaverse to the idea, but only for Harry. He’d thoroughly hex anyone else – Albusincluded – if they even tried. As he thought about this, Harry sneakily managedto pull the robes from his arms. Severus smirked at Harry’s sound of victory,and stroked his hand across Harry’s arse, earning a lovely little yearningmoan.

Harry’shand traveled down his chest, stroking over his coat as he fingered eachbutton. Feeling calmer, Severus decided their mouths had been apart for far toolong, so his hand moved from the young man’s back up to his head, tilting it upfor a kiss.

Harry kissedhim without hesitation, automatically opening his mouth and making Severussmirk into the kiss. It was much slower than before, and Severus tangled histongue with Harry’s almost lazily. He could feel sparks of arousal swirlinghigher as he felt the delicious glide of wet, hot muscle against his tongue.

Handsroamed his chest as Harry got more into the kiss, making small noises thatspiked Severus’s arousal further. The kiss stayed slow, but it turned filthy ona dime. Severus showed Harry what it was like to get his mouth fucked by atongue and all Harry could do in response was moan brokenly as his handsstarted pulling buttons undone.

Severusfelt each button pop undone as Harry worked, all twelve coming undone in recordtime. Harry, when motivated, always excelled at whatever he did. Severusrewarded his efficiency by moving Harry hips until they were once again linedup, and thrust against him.

A needto touch Harry’s naked skin came to him in a surge of want. His hand slippedfrom Harry’s hip and wiggled their way between their bodies. He was faintlyaware of Harry pushing his coat open and attacking the buttons of his whiteshirt. Severus’s fingers grazed across a hard length in Harry’s trousers andthey both moaned.

FeelingHarry’s erection pressing against him through his robes as they rutted was onething. Being able to touch just it through trousers was something elseentirely. Severus’s fingers traced it down the length and back up, noting thatit distracted Harry enough to leave him panting with his forehead againstSeverus’s still clothed chest. He stroked Harry’s prick roughly, pulling awhine from the young man that broke at the top.

“Feelgood?” Severus asked in a voice that plunged into darkness. Harry bucked intohis touch as he stoked him again.

Severusdidn’t move his hand as Harry pulled back to look him in the eyes. Harry’s eyeswere lust filled with pupils blown wild and shining in the candle light.Severus’s hips bucked up themselves at the heated gaze, and he moved to tasteHarry’s mouth again but found the lips busy in a grin.

“Whatare you grinning at?” he asked suspiciously. Harry’s grin widened and his eyesdipped down to Severus’s body. In retaliation, Severus bucked his hips up andstayed there to grind against Harry, pulling more lovely moans out of him. Severussmirked in satisfaction, but it didn’t last long as Harry turned his face backto him, and the grin was wider.

“I’vejust realized that I’ve never seen you out of your coat before,” Harryexplained. He ran his hands up Severus’s chest, and Severus could feel thewarmth from Harry’s hands through his shirt. Harry glanced up at him throughlong black lashes.

With aneyebrow raised, Severus replied, “Well, you’re about to see mi in much less, soI suggest you get your amusement out now.”

“Notamusement,” Harry told him, silently accio-ing his wand to him. He pointed itat Severus’s shirt as he said, “Appreciation.”

Withthat he drew a line down Severus’s shirt, straight down the buttons, cuttingthe shirt open with a nonverbal as he did so. Severus gasped, and his head fellto the ground, neck arching back as he suddenly found himself panting, hisarousal spiked as high as it had been during their rutting in seconds.

“Muchbetter,” Harry murmured before lowering his head to place a kiss on Severus’schest, right above his heart.

“Harry,”Severus croaked.

“Let’shurry this up,” Harry responded, and his wand tip touched Severus’s trousersand they vanished. He did the same to his own a second later.

Severusgroaned deeply as he felt Harry’s toned thighs straddling him, skin to skin.Harry didn’t help as he wiggled his hips back and forth, making Severusextremely aware of them both being naked except for boxers and Harry wassitting on top of him. Severus placed his hands on Harry’s bare waist and strokedthe soft skin as he felt Harry’s hands caress his chest.

“Onemore thing,” Harry whispered, his lips suddenly a breath away.

Unableto put meaning to the words with such a distraction, Severus just closed thedistance between them and kissed him. Harry chose that moment to do away withtheir boxers as well, and then there was unfathomable bliss as their pricksfinally met without anything in the way. Instead of moaning loudly into Harry’smouth, Severus got his own back and kissed Harry breathless.

Harrybroke the kiss to gulp air into his lungs. Severus closed his eyes and lethimself focus on the wonderful feeling of Harry, completely naked, on top ofhim. 

“Lube?”Harry asked.

“You’rea wizard, Harry,” Severus drawled, not opening his eyes, hands on Harry’s hips.

“There’sspells for this?”

At Harry’s surprised tone, Severus opened his eyes in concern.

“Surelyyou’re joking?” He blinked. “You’re not joking.” He sighed, looking down atHarry’s lovely body pressed against his, smooth, toned, defined, and hard. “Iwas under the impression Poppy had that discussion with you all yearly startingthird year.

“Imissed them,” Harry said.

“Everyyear?”

“I wasa little busy most of the time, if you hadn’t noticed,” Harry replied.

“Youdidn’t think to ask your Prefect or Minerva how to make them up?”

“Pleasedon’t mention Professor McGonagall when we’re naked and hard, and you’re aboutto fuck me,” Harry said with a look of disgust.

Severuscocked an eyebrow at him.

“Aboutto fuck? You’ve not even been prepared,” he purred.

“Nospells for that, then?” Harry asked, “Good, that’d be embarrassing consideringthe amount of wizards I’ve already been with,” he muttered.

Severus’sgrip tightened on Harry’s hips as a wave of anger washed over him. “If youdon’t want me to mention your Head of House, then you’ll remember not mentionany previous lovers,” he seethed. “Or this,” he thrust against Harry, bitingback his moan as their unclothed pricks slid against each other for the firsttime, “won’t ever happen.”

“I justmeant that I don’t know the spells, and if that’s how everyone does it then I’msurprised nobodies added that detail to their stories when they run and telleveryone that they just got fucked by Harry Potter,” Harry explained after agasp.

“Whilethey are available to use, some people do prefer to do it the muggle waystill,” Severus said. “Personally, I don’t see a difference if the correctspell is used for lubrication. Oils can be messy and if it’s a potion, usuallyexpensive and for more… advanced sex.”

“Kinky,”Harry laughed. “So, you know how to make those I’m guessing,” he said beforemoving to kiss along Severus’s jaw.

“Ofcourse,” Severus replied, enjoying the attention, especially as Harry reachedthe scarred tissue where Nagini had struck. He couldn’t help the moans thatcame out, and Harry picked up on them. He licked broad strips across it. “Now,however, we’ll be using the spell,” Severus said, and Harry must have lickedthe vibrations under his lips and tongue as his prick twitched.

“Willyou teach me?” Harry asked, lips grazing Severus’s neck.

Severusaccio-ed his wand and felt a smile against his neck. He slid the tip of hiselegant black wand down Harry’s back, making the young man shudder, and down tohis arse. He moved his other hand to one of Harry’s arse cheeks and pulled itslightly away. Harry moaned.

“Lubrico,”he said, wand tip aimed at Harry’s hole.

“Oh,”Harry said, a frown coming to his face as he no doubt felt the liquid drippingout of him. Severus knew even though it was warm and just the right amount, itstill felt odd the first few times. Harry wiggled around as he tested it out,and Severus had to bite his lip. It was as if he’d never done it before.

Severusstilled, his mind replaying what Harry had said a few minutes before.

considering the amount of wizardsI’ve already been with

when they run and tell everyone thatthey just got fucked by Harry Potter

Severuscleared his throat.

“Harry?”he asked lightly.

“Yeah?”Harry wasn’t paying attention, too busy moving his hips and focusing on, whatSeverus was now understanding to be, a completely new sensation.

“You’venever bottomed, have you?” he said plainly.

Harrystopped undulating his hips. Green eyes met black. A sheepish look came to hisface before it was replaced with a frown.

“Ididn’t want any of them too,” he said. “It feels more intimate. Too muchvulnerability for a quick fuck with someone you don’t know. It’s not somethingI’d ever consider with, as you say, a Fuck-N-Run.”

“Ah,”Severus said in acknowledgement. He was sure if he should think too much aboutthat, but he certainly noted the warm little ball he got in his chest.

“Youdon’t mind, do you?” Harry asked, looking nervously down at him.

Severusstared back at him blankly.

“Harry,no man in their right mind would ever refuse taking you, let alone yourvirginity,” he stated.

“I’mnot a virgin!”

“Youare when it comes to bottoming, and that makes you have a sweet virgin arsethat’s completely unclaimed,” Severus replied. To his glee, a blush spreadacross Harry’s cheeks.

How wasthis foolish romantic ever considered a playboy?

“Nobodyhas yet acquaint you with the joys of anal stimulation,” Severus continued,slipping a finger down Harry’s crack and swiping its pad across his hole. “I’llbe sure to give you a thorough introduction.” His finger pressed in, and Harrymoaned at the stretch. As he felt the tight heat, Severus sucked in a breath.“Perhaps more than an introduction,” he corrected.

Heopened Harry slowly, making sure he was fully used to one finger pushing in andout of him before he complied with his pleas of ‘more’ and the like. It was awonder that he didn’t explode at the sounds Harry made as he was stretched.They were truly sinful.

As hemoved to two fingers, Harry discovered what pushing back against them could dofor him. Severus accidentally ended up knuckle deep as he hadn’t expected it.He watched Harry’s face for painful regret, but the little minx simply smiledwith pleasure, a happy huff of breath coming from his slightly parted mouth.

Severustwisted his fingers, pulling all sorts of sounds from Harry, as his eyes burneddarkly while he watched the various blissful faces Harry made. Scissoring hisfingers brought Harry’s hips into overdrive, and soon Severus managed to add athird without problem.

“Please,”Harry begged.

Severuspurred at the sound.

“Please,”Harry whined again.

“What?”Severus asked, feigning innocents as he hooked his fingers and shoved them inand out a little harder. On the fourth thrust in, he touched Harry’s prostateand Harry bucked as he yelled out from the sensation.

“Ineed-” Harry whined as Severus massaged the sensitive gland. “I’m so-“

Catchingon, Severus fingered Harry harder, battering his prostate until Harry wasliterally quivering above him. Harry’s prick was leaking constantly, the liquidstarting to coat Severus’s own prick. He moaned as Harry shifted his weight andleaned back to get more control. As Harry thrust his hips down harder to meetSeverus’s fingers, his prick bobbed straight up.

Harry’seyes were closed, and he was so obviously right there, that Severus decided tomake him lose it. He leaned forward, not stopping his pace as he thrust hisfingers in and out of Harry’s now loosened hole. As his mouth hovered overHarry’s prick, he looked up to the lust lost mess fucking himself as hard as hecould.

“Harry,”Severus said calmly, and just as Harry’s shinning green eyes met his, heswallowed Harry’s prick down to the root in one smooth movement.

Harryyelled his release, coming into Severus’s mouth in hot spurts.

Severusswallowed easily, finding the taste surprisingly enjoyable when he usuallydidn’t. He allowed Harry to pump his pick into his mouth a few more timesbefore he pulled off. Harry looked devastatingly debauched. He must have had atrace of his come on his lip as Harry’s eyes wouldn’t leave the spot, wideningas he panted. Severus made a show to lick his lips before twisting his fingers,still buried inside Harry’s arse, in reminder.

“Yes,”Harry moaned.

“Stillup for it?” Severus asked, voice hoarse.

Insteadof answering, Harry shifted himself to sit on his hips. His hand wrapped aroundSeverus’s prick, and Severus hissed at it, eyes slipping shut. He listed theingredients for wolfsbane in his mind, trying to take his mind off the feelingof Harry’s lovely hand touching his achingly hard prick.

AsHarry lowered himself, Severus mentally prepared for the contact. It barelyhelped restrain his groan as he felt warm wetness hit the sensitive tip of hisprick. He forced himself to breathe steadily as various thoughts, each dirtierthan the last, swirled around his mind. Thoughts like the fact his pre-come wasgoing to mix with the lubricant in Harry’s arse. The lubricant that he put there.The lubricant he put there so he could fuck Harry’s brave, reckless brains out.

“Fuck,”he breathed as his prick entered searing heat. Harry let out a soft, surprisedmoan, and it didn’t help at all with Severus’s quickly building orgasm. “Fuck,”he whispered as Harry kept going, making those same little moans all the waydown, undulating his hips as he got used to it.

“Itfeels so-“

Severuswasn’t sure he was going to be able to handle what came out of Harry’s mouth.

“I feelso fully,” Harry groaned as if hewere the one taking unbelievable, sinfully wicked pleasure.

“Merlin,stop,” Severus begged, throwing all of his self-control at not coming rightthen.

“Wha?”Harry’s blissed out face had a soft frown as he tried to express his confusion.

“If youwant this to last any longer, then you’ll give me a minute,” Severus said,aiming for calm but failing miserably.

Severusmentally recited the ingredients and instructions for all the potions heassigned his first years. He was on the last few instructions of the last onewhen Harry started to move. It was a slow but sure upwards motion, the velvetywet heat of Harry’s arse moving along his prick.

“Potter,”he growled.

“Not mydad,” Harry murmured in response to his first name not being used.

Severus’simpending orgasm, and very nearly his erection itself, vanished instantly atthe thought of James Potter. He made a disgusted sound, and almost shoved Harryoff of him, but Harry must have realized what he’d done as he flung himselfforward and put his forehead to Severus’s.

“No,no, no. That’s not what I meant. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” Harry said quietly,eyes closed and lips moving against Severus’s as he spoke. Severus wasn’t surehow he felt and he still had half a mind to push Harry off him. “Hey, focus onme,” Harry whispered. “Focus on me. Focus on us. Right here. Right now.”Harry’s hands stroked down his sides, and Severus didn’t move, curious to seewhere this would go but ready to bolt all the same. “Focus on my hands on myvoice,” Harry told him. “On my lips brushing against yours.” Harry brushed hislips lightly across his, and Severus felt a little bit of his disgust diminish.“Focus on my hands stroking your chest.” Harry’s hands continued to stroke,gentle and soothing. “Focus on the touch of my skin on yours.” Severusbecame aware of every point they connected. “Focus on the feeling of my thighspressing against your sides.” Severus wanted less and less to flee. “Focus onthe weight of me sitting on top of you.” Severus felt held down and secure.“Focus on the heat surrounding your prick.” Severus couldn’t remember why hewanted to leave. “Focus on the slide of my body as you’re pumped into me.”Harry started to move, slowly and sensually, and Severus focused on the amazingfeeling. “Focus on urges your body is giving you.” Harry whispered. “Focus onthe need to claim my virgin territory.” Severus was panting and it all felt sogood. “Focus on my need for you to take me.” Harry increased his speed. “Focuson my need for you to fuck me hard.” Harry’s voice was shaking. “Focus on myneed for you to make me feel it.”Harry was panting now, slamming himself down, and Severus wasn’t sure when hishands had started to hold Harry’s hips or meet him thrust for thrust. “Focus onmy need for you to make me come all over you as your prick pounds me.” Harrywas moaning between his words, having to pause now as he got lost in the fuck.Severus’s back and neck were arched, his head pushing into the ground as hemoaned loudly. “Focus on my need for you to fill me with your hot release,only-“ Harry whined and panted as if he couldn’t breathe, “Only you.” Harry wassmashing himself down, and Severus wasn’t sure who was moaning louder. “Focuson my need for you, my need for you, my need for, my need for, need for-“ thewhining was desperate and lost and Harry started chanting, “you, you, you, you,only you, only you, only, only, only-“

Harryscreamed Severus’s name as he came.

Heslammed himself down, his body contacting and spasming around Severus’s rock hardprick as he came again for the second time that night. His hot, pearl-whitecome ejaculated out onto Severus’s chest in streaks. He moaned dirtily as hefinished.

Severus’sjaw was locked and his teeth were gritted as he forced himself not to come. He’dnever had to use such determination and will power, but he had to thrust intoHarry. He had to flip them over and drive into the gorgeous wizard who’d justcame brokenly atop him.

“Youfucking tease,” Severus told Harry once the young man seemed able to breathe atleast.

Severusheld Harry securely to him and rolled them over with ease. In his blissfulafterglow, Harry didn’t realize what was happening until he was on his back.Severus pulled Harry’s arse onto his lap as he started to thrust. Harry gaspedat the sensitivity, but Severus could tell he loved it.

“Youwant me to fuck you?” Severus asked through gritted teeth. He held Harry’ships, and ground his prick into Harry’s prostate. Harry yelled. “You want me tomake you feel it?” He relished in the feeling of thrusting into Harry. It wasbeyond words. “You want me to pound you?” His mind was a disgusting mess ofimages that all involved Harry full to the brim with his come. He moaned andfucked into Harry harder. “You want me to come in you? Fill you with my seed?Mark you and ruin you?” Harry was thrashing beneath him, begging and repeatinghis name as if it were a sacred prayer. “Is that what you want, Harry? BecauseI’ll give it to you. I’ll give so much more to you. Everything. Fuck you so hardyou can’t think of anything else for weeks. You fucking gorgeous, irresistible,perfect-“ Severus’s orgasm was so close and he didn’t have the strength ordesire to stave it off anymore. “Fuck!” he yelled, pistoling his hips so fastand hard that Harry shook with the force, reduced to a gurgling, whimpering,frantic mess.  “Going to make you mine,” Severus growled and Harry camefor a third time, spurting the small amount left in his balls all over his ownstomach.

AsHarry’s hole tightened around his prick, Severus thrust in until he was buriedto the hilt, and came harder than he ever had, Harry’s names on his lips. Hecould feel ropes and ropes of come coating Harry’s passage, spraying hisprostate and the perfect walls of tight, soft heat inside his body. He groanedat it, feeling Harry collapse utterly boneless beneath him.

Severuspulled out several seconds later when he thought he could move, and lay downbeside Harry. They were panting, hot, sweaty, and covered in Harry’s come.Severus knew his robe, which they had inadvertently used as a blanket belowthem, would be covered in come as well, especially as his come leaked out ofHarry arse. It was a wonderful thought, how full of him Harry had been and nowwas. How he would be again if either of them could ever recovered enough.

Withoutthinking, Severus pulled Harry closer, moving his body half on top of him. Hecast a few quick nonverbal, wandless spells to clean them up and freshen them abit. The beautiful afterglow was unaffected, as was evident from Harry’s happysigh as he snuggled closer.

Severuswrapped an arm around him, burying his face in Harry’s dark hair. The worldcould fall apart right then and he wouldn’t even move to acknowledge it. This,right as they were, was everything he needed. He wondered if next time they’dbe able to make it to the bed.

“Sev?”Harry asked, finding it hard to respond in his afterglow haze. His voice wassleepy and he didn’t bother to open his eyes or move at all. Severus, feelingmuch the same, hummed back in question. “Is this not a Fuck-N-Run, then?” Harryasked with a tired smile, taking note of Severus’s complete lack of intentionsof letting him go.

“Shutup,” Severus replied affectionately, nuzzling into Harry further as he pulledhim just a little bit closer.

Notes:

Harry’s outfit was inspired by this dashing photo of Daniel Radcliffe.

Harry’s hair is inspired by this sexy picture of Harry as an Auror.

I don’t know why but I put a lot of thought into Harry’s shoes:   Ginny’s shoe looks like this but is in this colour, while Hermione chose this shoe.

[time-fury]

Why I did Movember - My Shame

When someone says they have an interest in something, I firmly believe that means the subject has in some way affected that person. For example, if someone were so say they had an interest in feminist studies, the chances are that person has in someway been affected by the patriarchy we find ourselves living in. So when, at the start of this month, I said I would be growing facial hair to raise awareness of the failing mental health of young gay men, my motives were not entirely altruistic. Nor is it simply down to the fact that I am myself a young gay man. I feel the need to preface this with a disclaimer that this is entirely built around my own personal experience, and that nothing I describe here has been in any way verified by an actual medical professional. So if you read anything that causes offence, I did not intend it so. It’s essentially public knowledge now that gay people are actually pretty accepted, and on the whole we know this as well, but there is still a lot that we don’t speak about that, even in todays quite open society. So while yes, gay men have full and unlimited equal rights in law, that doesn’t necessarily make us equal citizens. I came to this realisation on my first walk for Movember. As I walked around the grounds of Llandaff Cathedral, I found myself thinking about my life growing up as a devout Catholic and gay boy/teenager. This was a rabbit hole of thought that led me to come to the conclusion that while gay men have full legal equality, gay boys (especially religious ones) are second-rate citizens. Gay men can get married, whereas gay boys are rarely taught beyond heterosexual nuptials. Gay men can go for regular HIV check-ups, whereas gay boys are barely educated on what HIV is. Gay men can fall in love, but gay boys are almost never taught about even the potential of not dating a woman. Sex is still for man and wife, with the sole purpose of procreation, and anything outside of this is fraught with risks. Gay sex automatically means a higher risk of contracting a deadly disease, and anyone who is gay is signing themselves up for a life apart from everyone around them. Things are getting better, but better doesn’t mean best. So long as this isn’t the best it can be, gay boys will suffer. While the current climate is not overtly homophobic, its institutions are dragging its heels and continuing to force a deeply rooted shame on gay boys that they may never get over. The isolation this system imposes is certainly something that has affected me deeply. As the month went on I looked back over the parts of my life that I can remember, and I found myself noticing just how much I have changed as a result of these factors. I’ll admit I was never the chattiest child, preferring the solitary company of a book or a CBBC drama to playing football with the boys. But I was (despite my eyesight issues) an excellent observer. I saw boys and girls giggling to the side of the playground, kissing each other on the cheek under the stairs in secret, or behind the wall of the older years playground. So, while not understanding what all the fuss was about, I played along. Whatever girl I was closest to was branded a “crush”, which I assumed it must be. This seems to be a common trend, gay boys pretending to like girls until they come out, freed from those lies, but it’s actually incredibly damaging. With myself, I found that I questioned every close relationship with a girl. I would interrogate myself about how I felt, why it wasn’t right, why I wasn’t right, and why I kept looking at that boy over there instead. Every platonic friendship becomes a quest to force a crush, and every crush becomes a quest to force platonic friendship. And if young people don’t allow themselves to feel what they want to feel, it’s going to be difficult, if not impossible, to shake that when they are fully-grown. Every time they fall in love it’s tainted by the deeply rooted shame surrounding their first love. If you want to look at why some gay men take such risks when having sex, that might be a good place to start looking. Another obvious place to look is in the education. While young gay boys are in the throes of puberty, juggling their schoolwork with their own sexual and emotional crisis, they have nowhere to turn for guidance. Now this is of course not the case in many schools these days, so this part is where my own personal experience takes over. It is difficult, sitting in a room of thirty people, being taught about sex, and feeling like the only one not learning anything. The boys are all sniggering about vaginas together, and the girls are grimacing at the idea of childbirth, and none of it really means anything to me. There was brief talk of condoms (Catholic school), and the pros and cons of safe sex. There was a talk on various STI’s and how they’re contracted (all with the Catholic “don’t do this” angle), and there was a lot on the process of pregnancy. The only thing I vividly remember was how my stomach turned when AIDS and HIV were mentioned, which of course meant the introduction of homosexuality to the module. It was blink and you miss it. Gay means AIDS, let’s move on. There was nothing on the mechanics of sex, and certainly no notion that whatever it was could occur in a loving relationship. So what’s a young gay boy to do? Of course, turn to the internet. An introduction to a topic defines someone’s interest. If you gave an infant a copy of Moby Dick, they’d never read again. If your first exposure to sex is two guys meeting in the woods to have casual, unprotected sex, I think you can see how that would define your approach to sex. It’s dirty, it’s sleazy, it’s dangerous, and you put your penis where?! If you want to know how bad sexual education is for young gay people, I’ll tell you this: I didn’t know what lube was or how to use it until the age of eighteen, I didn’t know how to put a condom on until the day before I had sex for the first time, and I didn’t realise there was a way of cleaning your systems out before sex until I was twenty. This lack of education could have led to some serious risks being taken without me even knowing they were risks. My lack of knowledge may come as a surprise to some who once upon a time saw me as an expert, which brings me onto the next topic of how mental health in young gay men is fucked. For most, our limited knowledge has come from the internet, be that porn or Youtubes countless coming out videos, we have no real concept of the LGBT community, and we have been harbouring secret loves since the dawn of our memories. But then the doors to that closet open, the confetti guns go off, you step out into the light, and things just become a different kind of shit. Now, you’re an expert. You’re in the limelight, the gay best friend, and in my case for a couple of years, the only gay in the school. This is immense pressure for a newly out boy, as this is something deeply personal we have decided to share with the world. While the relief is immense, it does take some time to get used to. We aren’t afforded that luxury however, or at least I wasn’t, as the lack of education became glaringly obvious. I wrote a line in a play recently that said, “I had always known I liked boys in the way that other boys liked girls. But being gay? That’s different.” Up until this point, being gay was a petty playground insult, but now it had a face. And as the only gay face in the school, I was the only one to turn to when people had questions. The only problem being I went to the same school as them, so I was as in the dark as a lot of the people asking me. Sometimes I think I came out too soon, but that’s bollocks. I just came out before I realised what it meant. It triggered another personality crisis, as I began to struggle with the idea of living under this label. Another battle to fight alone, as now everyone expected me to be an LGBT expert. Thankfully I was never seriously bullied, but you can report bullies, you can’t report institutionalised abandonment. Something else you can’t report is a broken heart. I won’t talk too much about the first time I fell in love as I imagine it’s a story heard a thousand times before. Ask any gay man and he’ll probably have a story about the straight boy in high school. My own version of this tale is relatively passive, through years of supressing my feelings, before accepting them for what they were, and then still having to repress them as he’s straight. Balance that with those who know telling me to hold out hope, it was an emotional rollercoaster of a few years. It climaxed with a story I am still unable to verify. After six years of evolving feelings, he found out, and apparently showed a side that put me off him forever, as he became enraged by the idea of a boy being in love with him. I will say that on the matter. I was in love. For years of my life I was in love, but the environment I was in forced me to repress those feelings, ones that have thus far not resurfaced. This pressure, along with the conventional pressures of GCSE’s, puberty, and with other events out of my control, I ended up in student support therapy sessions. These sessions were essentially the result of a perfect storm that also involved a heavy dose of toxic masculinity, a broader topic I won’t discuss here. I ended up stopping these sessions after roughly two-to-three months, as I felt they were actually adding to my worries, not eliminating them. By the time I turned eighteen, I feel I’d been officially fucked. I was going to university, a hub of gayness, exams, independence, and sexual liberation, and I was in no way prepared. My exposure to the gay world had been tainted by my education, both sexual and religious, by the continued camp and/or depressing representation in film and TV, online porn, and Grindr. I was caught between two worlds, the heterosexual world I’d climbed my way out of, and the LGBT community that felt too far the other way. I had no home in the Church, and having one foot in the closet at home meant I didn’t really feel comfortable there either. Being eighteen seems a long time ago now. But the effects of my childhood are still affecting me today. The repression of my first love has meant that I find myself incapable of exposing myself to that feeling again. The secrets I have kept throughout my life have left me untrustworthy of anyone, including myself, and has tainted my personality beyond belief. I have become bitter and sarcastic in a desperate attempt to hide my actual personality, something I got a glimpse of for the first time back in February to June of this year. My lack of emotional stability has left me looking for the next best thing on an app that I hate, but have become reliant on for human contact however brief. I find emotions themselves incredibly exhausting, and increasingly the notion of getting out of bed in the morning is becoming an arduous task. My passion for writing is waning, and my personality is increasingly impulsive and addictive. I’m not blaming being gay on these issues, but it has certainly been a contributing factor. I only faced up to my issues at the end of university, forced to admit it by my lecturers. I am ashamed. I love men, but I am ashamed to be gay. But I think more importantly, I am lost. I am still that eighteen year old with nowhere to call home, caught between the world he knew and the world he’s yet to explore. So why did I do Movember? Why do I think the mental health of gay boys is worth the walks? Why is it close to my heart? It’s, selfishly, because of me. And while this post is long and rushed, it’s barely scratched the surface of the issues facing young gay boys. It’s sex, it’s relationships, it’s self-worth, it’s friends and family, it’s education, it’s politics, and most importantly, it’s incredibly personal. So long as I have this beard, I will fight for those gay boys, but first I ‘ve got to fight for this one.