#i know what i'm doing during the hottest days of summer when the tv room is the coolest part of the house

[othervee]

*WEE EDVIN ALERT* (Australia)

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[streets-in-paradise]

Certified Paranoid - Barclay Wheeler Family AU Oneshot

Word Count 800 words

Characters: Andy Barclay, Jake Wheeler, Junior Wheeler, Nica Pierce

Warnings: AU were Andy adopts Jake and Junior with some Andy x Nica added to the mix.

Notes: This is a short domestic scene i wrote when trying to distract myself during a heat wave.

Tags: @losersclubisms @series-thoughts

@silvershewolf247

It was the hottest day of the month in the middle of an intense summer that was altering everyone's moods. Spending winter in company wasn't as difficult for Andy as that abnormally hot summertime had been. They were uncomfortable, he was uncomfortable and no one had the willpower to lift a finger about it. 

Two fans in a living room that wasn't huge to start with and a man with two boys trying to find relief was quite a desperate sight. Andy was laying on the largest couch and Junior was on the floor, mimicking a similar position with the addition of a lifeless-like expression. On his part, Jake was moving in synchrony with the rotating movement of the fan that was closer to him. 

" Couldn't you pay some more and get a cabin near a lake?" Junior began to complain at some point in the afternoon. " We would be diving in cold water ríght now. " 

The wishfulness in his tone at the end of the sentence spoke for himself. 

" You picked the wrong side for luxuries, kid. " Andy frankly replied. " If you wanted that sort of shit you should have stayed with Tiffany. Chucky would have been glad of exchanging you for a TV on the post divorce division. " 

Jake laughed and his cousin wished he had anything close to throw at him, or the energy to do it. 

" Don't listen to him, that's just the rich kid inside of him speaking. " Jake deepened the mocks. "Junior wouldn't change you for a lake house. " 

" ... Well, my brain is slowly frying so excuse me if i say dumb shit. " 

"... The less he would trade you for is a Beverly Hills Manor." 

Junior seemed upset to the core and that got an energical reaction out of him.

" Now YOU are saying dumb shit, Jake! I have lived with Andy more than you and I have become an expert survivalist. I'm laying on the floor because it's colder, what is your strategy?" 

" Moving with the wind." 

Imagining the hilarious visual made Andy look at Jake and when he noticed it the boy exaggerated the motion to make him laugh. 

Junior took advantage of the small mood improvement. 

" Dad, can we get an air conditioner?" 

It was weird for Andy to be addressed like that, even more from him but not precisely because it was more emotional than usual. 

His kids always used to call him mom.

" Holy shit, Jun! Are you alright?" 

" I'M BURNING ALIVE!!!" Junior screamed, acting as if he was clumsily attempting to raise. " PLEASE, I BEG YOU" 

Both kids have secretly wondered all summer why they wouldn't have one already. 

" You need a certified technician for that. " The man hesitantly explained. " ... I don't like to have strangers at home. Why do you think I live in the woods?" 

Jake had a good answer for that. 

" So nobody in miles would hear the screaming ?" 

" We know you are the ' i do all on my own' guy, but we can't deal with this shit anymore. " Junior followed, making snarking escalate. " Save that energy for when you try to impress Nica by changing tires." 

Andy actively chose to ignore the last part. 

" Cooling the cabin is a process. If we wanna do it ríght, we need permits. What if someone sees something weird when they come to check the place for the install?"  

The excessive caution of that man knew no límits.

Jake needed to ask an obvious question regarding that extremism. 

" What's next? Are you going to tell us you are afraid Chucky could take his time to find out you solicited a permit, find our technician and possess them, come here and try to kill us all? " 

" I didn't have that in mind, but now that you mention it..." 

" Andy, you are a certified paranoid. " Junior added in the counter strike. " Normally I would say that is awesome, but now it's making us roast in our own fluids. " 

" Yeah, it's not like we can pray to Damballa for good weather. " 

Jake was just joking, but Junior thought it was a brilliant idea.

" Wait a sec... Everytime Chucky speaks to him, it starts raining. " 

" Don't fuck with that, dumbass. What are we gonna do if he demands a sacrifice? " 

" We have our first volunteer!" Junior cheered, ready to pretend he would go macabre. " Thank you, Jake. I will think of you once the air will be breathable again." 

They were coming up with crazier ideas each minute that the bickering lasted. Luckly, Nica showed up at the ríght moment. 

" Let's be rational. " She attempted to calm the boys down. " ... I'm sure Andy can kill a deer in our names and it would be just fine." 

Andy couldn't help laughing and she wheeled closer to him. 

One sweet smile of hers and he was done. 

" So... What should we try first? Getting a cooling system or the voodoo sacrifice?"