#i know that like. nobody cares. and all the reylos have left/unfollowed in the way of scattering fandoms and I’m still at the restaurant

[itspileofgoodthings]

always thinking about when I was talking to a friend about IX about Ben’s death and she said “there was a whole lifetime in his smile” and I just. think about that forever.

[itspileofgoodthings]

just getting some things out. 

I’m scared to write my essay on ben solo’s ending because I know it’s going to turn into “never love anything: my own personal loss of the reylo fandom and what that means now”

#i always sound so damn ungrateful whenever i try to talk about this #when so many people from within the reylo fandom have been so kind to me and have reached out even across differences of opinions #to show me love #and when so many people are struggling too #but i have to be honest about where this whole thing has left me #and by whole thing i mean the new divisions and fault lines created by tros coming out and people having opinions #and tbh it’s left me pretty damn devastated #like i am FINE in a real sense #but i am also grieving and have been grieving and it still hurts! #i feel somehow like i was stuck on a shore and i’m still reeling from being kicked off the boat #but also i know i was going in a different direction anyway so it makes sense that i was left #a fandom can’t love you back. or struggle with you like a friend would  #but you can love a fandom and look to it for comfort even if you shouldn’t #and when that’s gone there is a hole in your heart that bleeds for a long time #i feel so disingenuous talking about this online #where other people can see it #but i have nowhere else to put it #so i will just say it and then delete it later

the above post and tags have been in my drafts for a while but a) i just need to post it and b) i think i’m realizing that i’m genuinely going through the stages of grief about this and i’m not going to get over it or do what I need to do if i don’t actually admit that. and unfortunately i do have to talk about it.

I have never experienced a breakup but I imagine it feels a little like this. some days it aches and aches and aches and some days I don’t really think about it! but i think it’s always underneath. it hasn’t left yet. it’s hard for me to deal with the fact that mutuals have unfollowed me over this, that my voice, in a general sense, is no longer needed or wanted. and that’s truly not me blaming or accusing other people, i’ve also had to unfollow people because our views are just so different, but either way it’s still hard. and it’s hard not be self-recriminating about it, to wonder if things would be different if i had just been harder on the movie, conceded more of its flaws, if i’d handled everything “perfectly” and hadn’t expressed myself so strongly, hadn’t gone against the general consensus as forcefully, hadn’t been as “irritating” about it as i sometimes feel i was. I also feel that I’m not allowed to say that I’m struggling. Nobody has said that! Nobody has made me feel that way! I’m truly not trying to blame anyone. But somehow it feels unfair of me to do anyway so I just try not to talk or think about it. But it always comes back. And I still have to talk about it even though I wish so badly i didn’t have to. 

Maybe what I’m struggling with is the fact that my relationship as a whole, my relationship to the fandom, not necessarily to the individuals in it, many of whom have been exceptionally kind, was never meant to last. And maybe that’s what hurts so badly. Or maybe it’s the fact that my pride is so stung over the fact that (again, collectively speaking) people stop caring about what you have to say when you’re not saying what they want to hear. Which is TRULY fine and fair and allowed! Why would it be different? Again, a fandom can’t be a friend who respects and loves you even when you both know you need distance on a topic because a fandom is a collective not an individual. I’m also struggling because some days i just feel like i’m making it all up and being dramatic and i just want attention and i should stop. And some days i wonder if i have a problem because i can’t let go or haven’t been able to yet. I’m sure hateful anons would tell me yes which is why anonymous messages are off but it’s just. i just ---- man. 

The loss of that space still just echoes in my heart. basically. and i don’t want to blame anyone for this fact, maybe, hopefully, not even myself. and I know it will fade with time and I will move on and all of that will happen and yes maybe i am being a little bit dramatic but also i know that i sunk so much energy and time and heart into this and for some reason never guessed that that was a fragile thing that could change. So right now it’s a real loss and some days i still cry about it even thought it has literally been months. 

okay that is all. thank you for reading if you did.