#i know our relationships arent transactional. thats not how i treat it but i also dont know good manners and just try to be transactional to
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I just feel so unequal sometimes
#idk im trying not to fall into thinking im a monster syndrome not to be like only im evil etcetc#and im absolutely not comparing care styles either#i just keep having the insecurity that my issues especially as a little outweighs the pros of me being a happy little or even a good cg#like#idk i just keep thinking about my bfs and going “they didnt sign up to parent a very autistic moody little girl and they shouldnt have to;#;because theyre the providers for the house in the first place and im not *helpless*#like idk it just all feels like im taking advantage of 1. the fact that i even still get to live here and 2. that they even are financially#the ones caring for me and the majority of my life“#idk i just dont. want to be more of a burden than i know i already am#i know our relationships arent transactional. thats not how i treat it but i also dont know good manners and just try to be transactional to#make up for the fact that i feel so clueless in a lot of things. plus my relationship w the parentals feels solely transactional esp w#how much im pretty sure the stepmom hates me. i know im already annoying and i talk too much and a nuisance so#idk i just cant wait to move out but im also terrified of not having any sort of safety net#like yes im not a burden in the im not treated that way way but like. im objectively still someone to care for and someone to feed and#a depression case still trying to be correctly medicated because i really dont know how to get this to work for me anymore#maybe i just need a new therapist??? idk#i feel like im falling apart
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