#i know my strengths but not rlly in a way that i see myself as superior to others

[qraceiuv]

"slut!" jude bellingham.

summary — you finally release an unexpected song about your relationship after receiving countless hate for it.

notes — send reqs and shit 😙

warnings — hate comments thats it rlly

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y/nsusername

y/nsusername: 🍒👡

—

username: she never posts jude anymore

username: i rlly dont like her

— username: okay...

username: shes using jude idc

username: bet jude got those heels for her

— username: u act like she isnt a model/singer whos just as successful as him

username: she doesnt deserve him

— username: and you do?

username: ur all insane and sad. leave her alone

username: shes too pretty to be acting the way she does

— username: she doesnt do anything...

username: slut

y/nsusername

y/nsusername: coming soon...

—

username: OH??

username: yayy

username: nobody cares

username: i cant take her seriously

username: still no jude posts

username: she didnt even go to his match yesterday

username: she always uses guys wtf

username: why does evergone hate her?

— username: because shes dating jude and people are stupid

y/nsusername

y/nsusername: my new single "slut!" drops tonight, and i can't wait for you all to hear it. i love this song and myself, and to be able to share it is a pleasure. 🤍🩵

—

username: omg.

username: her naming it slut... not even gonna listen

username: WHAT.

username: im freaking out

username: this is abt to be a power move.

username: oh!

judebellingham

judebellingham: My lovely y/n - I'm endlessly proud of her and everything she has accomplished as of recently. Her strength is beyond me and I will forever admire it.

Lots of things have been said about her these past few months, and I realize I should've made a statement. Her kindness told me not to, but now is the right time to share my love for such an amazing woman. Y/n has dealt with so much hate in the world, and I hate to see it. You never know the person behind the screen, and I have always encouraged kindness. Please apply it to those I love.

I have never felt so happy with anyone than I do with you, Y/n. I love you, and I love all of you who have stuck by us and supported my favorite girl.

—

username: i will cry.

username: i hope u all shut up now

username: BRO HE LOVES HER SM😭

username: the hating bitches are silent now

username: js a ton of 12 year olds jealous

username: i love them sm

username: "slut!" was so cunty idc

username: stream slut!!!!!

y/nsusername: ❤️❤️❤️💋💋💋

y/nsusername: i love you so much.

— judebellingham: I love you so much more

judebellingham added to their instagram story!

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[trendywaifus]

hello there! Nice seeing you post again— been following you since your first Kny’s posts and I love your writing style! Since we’re under the HSR train, can I request reader who is part of the express and like March and Stelle are very protective of them because they’re really weak due to a past injury? And Then they tell the Characters that one day they’ll find the strength to be able to fight for themselves soon? Heurhuryeue that’d just be cool, only if you wanna tho!! Thank you!!!! Have a bread day

omg!! rlly?? eeeeeeeeee, its so nice to see long time followers! its been like. .5 or 4 years since i made this blog? wow time goes by fast, im really happy that you’re still here! i hope you’ve been growing as a person without much struggle as time passed!

“ march! “ you swatted her prying hand away and adjusted the crutch to your side. “ for the last time, i can get up and walk myself, can’t you see i have this crutch to support me? “ taken aback by you swatting her hand and your warning glare, her expression saddens. you were injured from the encounter with the doomsday beast. march made a mistake she wish she could take back. during the doomsday beast encounter, she gotten cocky; biting more than she can chew and recklessly attacked the beast with barrage of arrows while staying in one spot. at that moment, one of its hands quickly appeared in front of her, ready to strike. luckily, you managed to push her out of the way at the cost of your side getting clawed and a fractured leg.

march’s stomach churns at the horrible memory. what stuck to her mind was the look of horror written on your face as the creature’s large claw nearly dug itself into your side as you clumsily dodged backwards. you nearly screamed as you landed in a bad position and danheng had to escort you far away from the fight as far as he could. she swallows hard, digging her nails into her palm, enough to engrave crescents into her skin.“ i know that, but still! i want to support you too. i-i was the one who made you like this! if i had buffed you with defense, i- “

“ march 7th. “ your partner shakes her head stubbornly, tears in her eyes. “ you don’t understand, seeing you back there—seeing you in pain like that— haunts me! i can’t pretend to be all happy and joyful when you’re not even with me on adventures! i know that i’m ignorant to many things that i shouldn’t be ignorant to. but. . i don’t want to be insensitive to your struggles either that’s why i been so protective.”

you sighed deeply, dropping your gaze to the floor. unusual silence fills the atmosphere of your cabin while you fully process march’s confession. you were wrong for being annoyed at her protectiveness. things could of been much worse and you could only imagine how’d she think of herself then. march takes your hand in hers, your eyes immediately reverts back to hers, gaze softening around the edges. her lips curled into an apologetic sad smile, she looks at you with pleading eyes.

“ months from now march. .” you cast her a tight—lipped smile, “ me, you, stelle, and danheng will all be together running around making memories in some random planet. i’ll be able to do things for myself fully again so don’t you worry, you reckless girl.”without any protest, you let her throw her arms around your shoulders to embrace you.

“ i’ll do better next time, i swear on it (name)!“

“ i know that i don’t miraculously come back alive after i die like you but you’re watching me as if i’ll just suddenly fall over and perish. “ you remark, striking the wooden dummy with a wooden sword. you were careful not to swing too fluidly because of the stitches on your abdomen. you’d rather not reopen them and bleed out on the spot. “ danheng said that you’re not suppose to be training while you have stitches in. “

you scoffed, “ alright? well i am, now what? i’m not in much pain anymore and i just have to reduce my movement in my slashes. danheng’s a snitch for telling you that i’m here. you know what they say stelle, snitches get sti—fuck! “ a momentary sharp sensation shoots in your wound area and you crumble to your knees. stelle is by your side, her countenance contorted in disappointment. her gloved hand rests on the small of your back and the other on your knee. “ i-i’m okay, this normally happens after a few weeks of having stitches. pretty fun experience time to time. it’ll be completely painless sooner or later. “ you comment, mustering a shaky smile.

“ i think danheng is right and i don’t like seeing you like this. “ stelle frowns. you sighed in relief at the sensation going away and lifted yourself from the floor, stelle follows suit. “ then leave, stelle. you don’t have to be here. “ you shrugged her off and repositioned yourself into sword stance. she blocks you from the dummy, giving you a pointed look. “ don’t look at me like that. unless you want to be my training partner, i want you to step aside. “ you commanded, glaring at your stubborn girlfriend.

she shakes her head, a mocking smile erasing the frown from her lips. “ i don’t want to so now what?”you roll your eyes, she continues, placing her hands on her hips playfully, “ i don’t think you have the strength yet to defeat the likes of me, foolish mortal.“

“ oh no! you’re right! “ you gasped, dropping your sword dramatically, “ i wonder how i can defeat you! oh, i know how. “ before she can react, you pulled her in by the hoodie and smashed your lips against hers for a brief moment then pulled away. stelle looks absolutely dumbfounded, her jaw slightly ajar at the surprise kiss. you smirked, “ i don’t even need my full strength to defeat you and when i do, i’ll do a lot more than this. “

[sourbinnie]

Hi omg I just came across ur page, I loved your recent it was so cute & now I’m dying for more comfort Hyunjin.

Can I request reader being on her period so she’s rlly irritable and then Hyunjin comes home saying he has a stomach ache and she thinks he’s just joking around so she just ignores him but then later realizes he’s being serious when he doesn’t eat dinner n feels sick so she feels bad and takes care of him.

title -> misinterpreted pair -> hyunjin x fem!reader genre -> hurt/comfort + fluff warnings -> mentions of periods + mentions of food + cursing a/n: yall i think im a sucker for hurt/comfort jinnie, thank you for you request! <3 it came out shorter than i expected but i still hope you like it ¡! :(

as if the day couldn't get more annoying, periods happen. ok, it's not like i had a lot on my plate but there's no worse sensation than your uterus kicking you like you deserve it. it was painful, annoying and overall made me feel like complete garbage. i carried through work like i could, continuing with my day like i wasn't suffering every step of the way. getting home was a task too but i managed through it and decided to throw myself on the bed, trying every single position to see if it would make the pain go away. 

i know i wasn't the easiest to deal with when i was like this but i was hoping hyunjin would understand. 

speaking of him, he was just about to come in through the door every minute now and the things that i usually get ready for him, are not there. like i said, i hope he understands that it's not my best day and he can get them on his own. i know practice must've been a lot and i truly wish he would take care of himself better.

"(y/n)?" i hear my name being called out and i don't even have the strength to get up. feels like the weight is pulling me down again. i manage to do so in a few tries but everything still spins and hurts around me. "missed you baby." he says when he sees me and gives me a hug which i have to retract because of the tightness of it all. he looks at me confused which i have to explain.

"i'm on my period and everything sucks right now." i say calmly but dying on the inside. "i'm sorry if i'm gonna be a bitch to you at any moment but right now i just need to rest."

"oh, that's okay i actually had like a stomach ache through the whole day so i get it." and i just sigh 'cause i knew he was messing with me. he always likes to do that and even with the confused look on his face, i wouldn't fall for it at all. i decided to not linger on it and go to our room to get my sweet sleep as much as i wanted to stay and cuddle with my boyfriend, i knew it would only bring pain and uncomfortability.

✉ ✉ ✉ 

getting up and being met by the moon in the night sky was not my plan all along. hyunjin was by my side, he didn't even try to cuddle with me which i thanked for but he looked a little odd. i couldn't place my finger on what it was but i had to get up and make dinner before it was too late. as i tried to concentrate in the cooking and not the pain (again), i tried to place my finger around what was going on with my boyfriend. 

could it be that things didn't go well today? but he didn't look mad or sad. he also didn't say anything about the boys (usually there's one or two comments about felix). maybe he was just tired and didn't need me on top of his business and i was just panicking over nothing.

"babe?" he asked, snapping me out of my thoughts and there was definitely something going on. he looked pale but at the same time it looked like he had a run a marathon with all the sweat and i was starting to see things better. "oh no, jagi i love your cooking but i think i'll pass today."

i placed the dinner on the table and i looked at him. he never passed on my cooking so something 100% was off today and what did i miss? as i got close to him i tried to repeat our conversation today. my hand went directly to his forehead and as everything started to make sense with him burning up, i said.

"fuck you weren't lying, you truly had a stomach ache." i felt like crying right then and there. even if i felt terrible, i still would do anything to take care of hyunjin. it hurt that i put myself first when he was hurting just as much as me. i didn't want to cry though, this was my chance to make it better unless he hated me at this very moment and didn't want me to do anything and-

"you're thinking too much and yes i did or i still do. i don't know, everything's kinda of spinning and i think i might have a fever." he said and i immediately sat him down as i looked for the termometer. thinking of every remedy and healing technique i went through my entire life as i came back and made him open his mouth. 

"i'm sorry jinnie. i should've been more careful and paid more attention to your words." i said and he wanted to say something but i stopped him. "nuh uh no moving! also i'm gonna tell the boys you're not going tomorrow." that's when he also wanted to protest but i took the termometer out and checked. 

"so? do i have a fever?" he said and i nodded as he responded with a sigh. "i can't miss practice when we're learning a new choreo though, babe you know how it is".

"but you also can't practice if you're basically running a fever and feeling dizzy, what if you pass out?" i said and i could see that he was seeing my point. "just let me text chan and then i'll have all the time in the world for you."

"but what if you get sick too?" he pouted and i just smiled because even in the sickness of it all, he still cared about me. he really was the sweetest guy i've ever met.

"if i get sick, i get sick baby, there's nothing bad about it plus i get to spend time with my favorite person." i said laying him on my lap as i messed with his hair and caressed his cheek.

he eventually fell asleep and i just couldn't stop looking at him. i decided to slowly get up without disturbing him, then i would call work and tell them that i would be taking the day off to spend it with my loved one 'cause it's what he deserved.

[yinyuedijun]

hi mao! ok so… i’m afraid i’m still too horny and in love with this fic. what if i just say that i don’t know what else i can say about your writing — speechless because i’m in awe. (in ave—)

i honestly have never read omegaverse fic before, knowing only the basics, mostly from memes lol so it was really interesting to get in detail into your take on their biology and how nicely you entwined it with existing hsr lore. morphing known issues to match the omegaverse world. i especially liked when you mentioned cutting the other scent gland from the necks, because wow, it’s so barbaric, but makes so much sense to describe it. i’m a big fan of how you organise the story around the main characters — like i’m reading news or just following canon events, because everything just fits so well that i’m not even questioning if you came up with all these names by yourself or if they were mentioned somewhere in the game. there are just things that must happen (arriving at the desert planet) no matter what, and we’re following the narrative, but oh! suddenly something unexpected happens (the heat) and what now?!

i’m also surprised because this fic wasn’t deranged at all? or i’m just clueless lol sure, the setting wasn’t cotton candy sweet at all, but the story itself was rather soft and slow, and loving. i love love love the reader there — they’re so respectful and understanding, and how they view aventurine is so special. they seem so pure despite all the awful things they have gone through. i just can’t wait to read how their relationship develops.

i feel like aventurine is slightly different here. but i enjoy it! i guess it’s because in this fic he’s forced into a vulnerability he cannot control — something that probably didn’t happen to his canon version. so he’s more… pathetic? it adds the edge because the risk seems even greater, and i completely understand the reader to worry about his luck and confidence when his heats are still the biggest threat. their dynamic is so interesting. that aventurine, despite being an omega, has the reader wrapped around his finger because they’re so down bad for him. their instinct turned into love :(

and i was supposed to say nothing yet i yapped. i thought i wouldn’t have the attention span or the strength to read through this entire fic in one sitting, but i got so invested!!! like i was watching a tv show, not reading!!! thank you for the amazing fic, mao 🙇

manu beloved I had a feeling that anon was u !!!! 🫶 thank you for reading this despite not having ever read an omegaverse fic before (???!? U REALLY TOOK A LEAP OF FAITH FOR ME LOLL this is not standard omegaverse whatsoever 😭😭😭). I'm so glad you enjoyed it and feel so strongly abt my writing!!! and I'm especially happy that you felt that I did a good job w integrating the omegaverse into the hsr universe... I do have an affection for world-building so I'm glad to hear that I did a good job with it here :')

I had to laugh when you said that it was surprising that the fic wasn't deranged at all 💀💀💀 I see I have a reputation built up for myself /j tho I do regret to inform you that it will probably get worse in ch2... perhaps not deranged but definitely some very sad backstory details coming up lol...

on a more serious note, I'm glad that the fic was tonally soft and slow and loving!! because yes there is extreme tragedy going on in terms of the actual events, but soft and slow and loving is more or less how the mc feels abt aventurine 🥺 so I'm glad that came thru in the narration!!!

and YESSS its funny that you mention aventurine feeling different because he's an omega 😭 I thought omegaverse was a good genre for him because it forces him to vulnerable in a way that he never would be in canon, but LOL it did make him feel. extremely ooc to me at some points. like where's my cunty emotionally repressed man, who is this soggy pathetic bastard who is too wretched to do anything but suffer alone in bed. it was rlly making me hate the fic for a while 💔 so I'm glad it's something that you actually liked about the story!!!

thank you SO SO MUCH again for reading my fic manu and sending me such kind words ♥️♥️♥️ I am sending u so much love !!!!! BIG KISS FOR U

[yuikomorii]

Greetings, I come with late night ramblings abt diabolik lovers. Big fan of your blog, I really like the side of the fandom which discusses the characters

Sometimes i wonder what it was like for the mukami bros to turn into vampires. Since vampires look so similar to humans the fact that they are a different species really slips my mind sometimes.....

So sometimes I find myself wondering what that psychological shift was like. The mukami bros were all pretty young and had grudges against humans in some way when they were turned, so parting with their humanity wasn't on their minds I think lol.

But despite spending lot of their childhood/puberty around vampires they still do act a lot more human like than the sakamakis. Granted, the sakamakis def have a lot trauma that compromises their ability to have any type of healthy relationship. But characters like ayato suggest that vampires aren't inherently incapable of the more "human" emotions (don't rlly know a good word for it mb).

I do remember ruki saying somewhere that because he is weak he stays with his family (not the only reason ofc, but having to band together/find strength in numbers to survive is a very human-like thing), yet he and his bros abandoned being human/ hold some level of resentment for humanity.

Anyways all that to say the mukami bros have an interesting relationship with their "humanity" and I'm overanalyzing characters in an otome game of which the lore is constantly retconned. Complicating this is the fact that we don't have a "average" or "normal" vampire to compare with

Also reject totally missed an opportunity to make a character that didn't want to be turned into a vampire, and had to struggle with the changes.

// Hello, thank you for enjoying my blog!<3

Hmm… If the person who becomes a vampire is kind-hearted and mentally stable enough to avoid wishing revenge upon someone or using their newfound vampire status as an excuse to treat people badly, I sincerely doubt that the psychological transition from human to vampire would hit that hard. Trauma caused the Mukami brothers to develop such a vicious nature, exactly like Yui in HDB did at one point when, as a result of being mentally broken, she started killing people in an After story. While pure-blood vampires do have their own set of morals and they obviously need blood to survive, I wouldn’t say they are inherently evil, taking into account that in LP and VC, some vampires were nice to Yui and the Diaboys. They are indeed predators, that’s something they can’t control no matter how much they try, but not all of them are malicious.

The Mukamis got rid of their humanity but they still kept acting like humans around one another because, after all, that’s how they were initially accustomed to. As for the Sakamakis… due to trauma as well, they were pretty twisted since childhood. I mean, most of them were the main cause something bad happened to any of their brothers in the past, therefore it’s to be expected that their relationship is not a healthy one. However, vampires are actually capable of experiencing human emotions, and Ayato is the living example of this given that he is confirmed as being the most human-like out of all due to the fact that he was already capable of displaying these emotions prior to meeting Yui (for example: wanting to sacrifice himself for his brothers, ruining Karl’s blue rose so as Cordelia wouldn’t get sad, crying when Cordelia died and, most importantly, valuing his life). Additionally, a vampire will begin to experience human emotions the more Eve's blood he consumes, so... that's basically part of the plan, according to what Karl said in Ayato’s DF route.

I wouldn't say the Mukamis hate humans; they held a grudge against aristocrats, but not humans in general, because they only see them as an inferior species. As for Ruki, the reason he would feel weak without his family isn’t only due to banding together or finding strength in number but rather it’s about them as his emotional support. Kou, Yuma, Azusa respect, praise and accept Ruki with all his qualities and flaws, therefore feeling needed and appreciated is actually what makes Ruki strong.

[rainstormcolors]

hi! im curious how u feel about. Kaiba's ending in dsod as a devout kaiba fan

bc quite a few ppl ik *arent* rlly big on it for reasons that include but arent limited to "it ruins the message of letting the dead go and moving on like Yugi did" and etc which i dont agree with for sm reasons but im curious abt ur thoughts on the matter too 😭

Hello.

I’ve talked about DSoD and DSoD’s ending quite a bit over the years. I've come to understand the ending of DSoD to be layered on several levels, and it actually tackles several themes in the original work from different angles at the same time, and I think trying to force the ending into one neat "this is what definitely happened" box stifles that complexity. It’s deliberately open to interpretation. I also want to make room for fans who do not like DSoD. We have our preferences and individual concepts we value from canon, and carry personal experiences we relate to canon in different ways. Please understand to those reading this that it’s alright to omit this film from your internal design of canon.

I can talk some about my own relationship and journey with DSoD. I’ve loved Yu-Gi-Oh! for a long time. I watched the show as it aired and read the manga as it was released within the United States. One of my parents died when I was young. At the time I felt very disconnected from both that event and from the other people in my household. We never talked about our feelings and I was always vastly terrible at interpreting my own emotions and behaviors. The further catch here is we were seeing a grief therapist some, and I’d been in and out of therapy for a while before that as well. I just could not parse out any feelings at all and I didn’t know how to talk to other people about things. I was disconnected from it all. We flash forward to the release of DSoD. And to my surprise, something I didn’t expect from myself, I was talking to people. I was talking about what grief looked like even if a person wasn’t labeling it. I was talking about how sometimes we can’t name what we’re feeling. What I saw in DSoD were people grieving and I understood this. And I was communicating my ideas and emotions that had been so foggy up until then. I suppose this is the strange power of an autistic interest paired with personal experience – and I was actually trying to talk about feelings and trying to bond with other people.

And I was truly pondering on and reflecting -- not on a subconscious level but on a fully conscious one now -- on the loneliness and struggles the other people in my household had felt back then too. There had been a suicide attempt at a certain point which was something I had refused to let myself think about but I was now thinking about that too.

I like stories about the experience of grief over stories that are PSAs about grief. It was going to take a grief story with teeth and bite to awaken this piece of me, not a cutesy PSA on grieving. For me, it can feel like fandom at times has this idea that everyone has it in them to just talk about their feelings and reach out and that everyone has that, and that is just not true at all. (What a further surprise to me to discover later on why I was also drawn to elements of Death-T back then, back while I still felt so disconnected from “the experience of death.”)

I’m especially drawn to and touched by Seto’s narrative, but I think Yugi’s own story in DSoD harbors this as well. As I read this line, “it ruins the message of letting the dead go and moving on like Yugi did,” I think of how I feel the story was also about Yugi accepting that it’s okay for him to draw from the strength Atem gave to him and to feel inspired by Atem even though Atem is “gone” and that this is the meaning of why Atem joined Yugi in battle in that grand final showdown in DSoD.

As I said, there is the potential of multiple layered interpretations inside the film’s ending. There’s the theme of the power of friendship and love being able to break through the universe, that friendship can be so meaningful the barriers surrounding us can’t stop those feelings. It is love as a powerful force and Seto -- who had rejected others and feelings for so long, who has felt so disconnected from everything but those brief burning moments of winning -- has embraced love and what Atem meant to him. There is the hyperfictionalized portrayal of grief and its forms like emotions as art, and how grief stays with us but evolves and matures: Death-T as angry scarred grief and the negative impacts of the departed “villain” on the living “villain”, the Ceremonial Duel as the acceptance of grief and the positive impacts left by the departed “hero” on the living “hero”, and DSoD as finally seeing and understanding the departed one as just a person just as you are a person. And grief is a permanent marker on us. It doesn’t really go away. There’s the metaphorical portrayal of closure for the survivor finally being able to say goodbye to the one they love, to see that person outside of their grief for who they are and it’s painted in an artful and literal way, and it gives Seto the tools to move forward in life carrying Atem inside his heart. And there’s the wonder of science fiction as technology and humanity and the soul are fused. Our voices and images travel across the world through technology in our reality – could it travel even further? What are human beings capable of? And it’s about Atem still possibly being savable from this place, that death wasn’t his answer because people care about him. Someone wanted to see him this badly. There is no duel, no words we see exchanged, because this gesture already says everything. Seto being here to see Atem says everything.

It’s also a possible commentary on how scars don’t go away and sometimes we can’t save someone. Sometimes someone isn’t able to break free of their ghosts and it’s possible to wish peace for that person or to be left scarred by them or both at the same time. People can be warped by their trauma and not overcome it because it’s a hard hard road to walk. To only harbor any sympathy for the survivors who are healthy, cute, and palatable belies a very conditional idea of compassion. This isn’t to say the harm isn’t real or that people don’t need to be accountable for their actions, but they are human beings who have struggled and struggled. The wounds of trauma are not shallow and healing can be hard. Seto is only 18-years-old in DSoD.

Death and love are weaved throughout Seto’s entire story in canon.

While I understand what people mean as they say “Seto needs to face the consequences of his actions and should have a strain with Mokuba," when it’s employed as a critique of the movie, I also feel very strange and think, "That's just the way grief is. Or rather how it can be and how it is for a number of people.” As I said, my own family was horrible about any talking about our feelings in the wake of grief and then that suicide attempt. There was no PSA-type talk between us. For me, the mess of DSoD comes across as real even if it’s an exaggerated presentation.

I’ve also had very dark periods in my life, terrified of having no one understand me ever again, and this also grounds me into how Seto’s head and heart may have been working. I didn’t know how to talk to people about emotions, including my family even though I loved them, and everything felt dark and like I was endlessly sinking.

And I had a moment of truly understanding how profoundly alone my father must have felt when my mother died, as my father was just as friendless as I was and didn’t have outside family to help at all.

I had felt I was incapable of connecting with other people and I felt I saw that trait within Seto, and so watching canon tell me “the bond between Seto and Atem is real, it meant something” was very very moving for me. Even if you don’t know how to talk, you can find connection through what you do understand.

I do think it’s quite understandable for people to feel put off by DSoD and its ending. I think it’s quite fair that people root for Seto and Mokuba together and that they’ve hoped for a journey of healing. People become upset on Mokuba’s behalf. I personally connect with the messiness of grief and Seto’s conflicted heart and the artful and challenging portrayal of a person spilling over in grief. I do personally hold interpretations of Seto returning, so my answer here is also shaded by that. Even on Mokuba’s side, I’ve sort of been there and it allowed me to talk about that experience which isn’t an experience many people talk about. It’s very hush-hush in our day-to-day lives and it’s not easy to talk about.

Does DSoD reward Seto’s self-destructive behavior too much? I would say I’m not here for moral lessons and life is full of so many contradictions, so many tangled complicated layered emotions. It’s fair to hold this as a personal gripe with DSoD, but given the amount of audience backlash and discussion over this ending I don’t personally feel it’s actually a fully rewarding message. It’s more layered and thematic than that to me.

For a film for a big money-making mainstream shonen franchise, DSoD is unusually arty.

Again, people have their own experiences and people need different things from art. Someone else will carry a different relationship to DSoD, and someone else may need different things to come to terms with grief.

Thank you for the ask. I hope this answer wasn’t too wordy. I think it’s good to form your own opinions too. Thank you for reading my rambling.

[sixosix]

haiii pookie snukums muah muah cherry pie :3 idk i just wanna give thoughts (and maybe recieve some from u too 👉👈) from the new trailer bc im bored and i feel like im being toasted alive... mainit

FREMI💀 no bc he looks like he can be blown away from a lil breeze. like a sneeze can turn him into dust💀 BUT BRO BLOCKED A WHOLE ASS HIT FROM ARLECCHINO WHILE ALSO HOLDING LIKE A 30 KILO CLAYMORE💥 HOW BUFF IS HEEEEE😭 (lyney at the side like a damsel)

speaking of lyney,,,,i saw somewhere, idk if its canon or not, but i read that lyney is canonically weak. not weak as in "cannot fight", more like, "brains over brawn" type of weak. his main strength comes from his big fat brain and i think thats hot (lyney as brains, thawed!mc as brawns. an unstoppable duo if i do say so myself)

Im just gonna say, arlecchino DID NOT MISS❗❗ when she chose lyney as the successor. bc think about it, the house's main objective is to adopt kids to make them into soldiers(or other stuff). so why are the children not doing anything about it? because they are blinded by father's "love". they've been provided a home and a family that they can love, ofc theyre going to do whatever they can to repay her kindness. i say "blinded by love" bc its most probably not genuine. arlecchino will only do things if it benefits her. so, in short, the children are being decieved into loyalty and submission.

and what is one of lyney's biggest/ most prominent trait? being able to decieve others very easily. he's a magician ffs😭😭 (this is probably why thawed!mc is hesitant/ doesnt believe him whenever he does something bc she knows that its probably not genuine. and bc of this, they're both miserable.💀)

like, he may not be physically strong, but that brain and charisma can bring you to your end in a snap. and that hot.

i only heard childe's voice but i feel like he's important to the lore. my manz been to 3 countries, and hes hasnt retrieve a single (1) gnosis😭 pack up boy ur no harbinger all u do is look pretty and get your ass handed to u THRICE😭 (i love him tho muah)

WIDNTRACE omg windtrce FINALLYY😭😭uueuedhhsuwh

ur so cool bc i just saw the ask asking if theres thawed update tmrw, and ur gonna do RESEARCH???? this is why i love u. marry me. pookie idc how long it takes, everything u write is so delicious. quality over quantity is so real ily. and i dont want thawed to end so soon....

i think thats all of my brain barf today. congrats again on 5k!!! ily muah♥️

HI AKAAGIIIII i did. i did see. i watched it from zy0xs livestream. first of all, ARLECCHINO IS SOOO COOL her presence… unmatched….. the lore ?! im so excited as a player and as a thawed writer!!!!

I KNOW FREMINET WAS INSANE THERE HAHAHAH the way he didnt fall back.. King. king behavior. LYNEY TOOOO HELLOOO THE LORE BOMBBB the throwback to him being chosen as the next King AAAAAA my brain was going overdrive (thawed!mc being brawns shes so stupid i love her)

and yes!! your thoughts on lyney and arlecchino are so true. arlecchino picking lyney makes sense in her perspective but the fact that lyney doesnt want to do it says so much about his character! lyney is such a well written character im so in love

i was so surprised to hear childes voice i was like oh gosh the thawed is writing itself?????

AND YESSS RESEARCH AAA i rlly rlly want to wait and see what the House lore is all about before i write thawed because i think i could really use it. not only for ideas but for keeping it feel like it could easily be an actual genshin quest.. TY AHAHHAA ILY TOO we shall have a spring wedding, like taht post about artists asking permission to draw fanart from writers (thats me)

[xxbl00ds0akeds3raxx]

Hang in there girl, don't let him get to you. You're way stronger than you give yourself credit for, and you have always, always deserved much better than what life handed you... He isn't worth it. He will never see you as the full person you are. He wants you to be a perfect doll, and that is not a role you can ever pigeonhole yourself into, with all your strengths and flaws... you're a wonderful, kind, opinionated and strong person. Don't let him break you

-Camille M.

tysm camilee <3 sorry 4 not replying sooner i wasan't sure what to say;;

i am hanging in there!!! ^^ life is crazy lolz. i hate it. m so tired. i literally wish i didn't exist i think things wld be so much better im so sick of stressing every1 out w stupid decisions i make :((((( like im not evn trying 2 be emo~~ woaawww edgelord dont cut urself on that edge X_X!!

its just ever since my conception my existence has just been. a bother,,. i ruined my mum's life n i cant stop thinking abt what it cld've been like if i just. hhhh. didn't. happen. :)

i wish i knew her.

i wish she wld reach out 2 me and contact me likeu do w ur daughter,,,

ifeel like shes the only 1 who wld undrstand what im worried abt rn. but maybe thats just delusional thinking bc. i nvr rlly knew her so,,, lol. who evn knows what she understands.

ur rlly too sweet to me!!1. "wonderful, kind, opinionated and strong" is so much,,,, im not stronger than i give myself credit 4 i know my limits very well. & kylar, imean if he wants a perfect doll he literally has 1 of me . fkn life sized perfect replica w my measurements shes so perfect & if h e wants me to be her so bad icant fucking do it xDD i'll never b herrrrrr 〒▽〒

thank u again. its rlly nice to hear from u and i appreciate everything u say evn if it feels wrong :(

[chiroptaro]

Hey! Who are your top 3 action webtoon characters (doesn't have to include main character) and why?

gives u a big hug when i saw this ask i yelled out loud ty SM for asking . i had to think long and hard about this one bc honestly there are SO many amazing characters to choose from augh!!! okok im gonna put it under a read more bc i went a little overboard my bad 🤧

slight spoilers(?) for viral hit, teenage mercenary

3. kayden from eleceed!!!! okay first of all shoutout to casein nitrate for being the funniest fuckin concept ive ever read in a webtoon oh my GOD. when he was in human form for the first time in front of the gang and ilhyuk and was like "why arent they giving me treats.." I WAS ROLLING OH MY GODDD. THE WAY HE INTERACTS W PEOPLE IN HIS CAT FORM IS HYSTERICAL. anyways as a character i rlly rlly like him because of how much he. cares about jiwoo like that's LITERALLY his son that's his little boy the found families in eleceed have me sobbing all day theyre so important to me. i also like him because of HOW STRONG HE IS?? LIKE HE'S SO YOUNG BUT HE'S RESPECTED BY EVERY AWAKENED BC OF HIS STRENGTH LIKE OMG. also he is so so gender im so jealous of him and kartein UGH. speaking of kartein him and kartein's relationship is great to me bc they bring out dif sides of each other that r super cool to see !! also theyre hilarious together . kayden's funny and he looks cool AND he kicks ass AND HE'S A GRUMPY DAD FIGURE like it does not get any better than this.

2. ijin from teenage mercenary/mercenary enrollment !!!! this one is my fav webtoon of all time 💓💓 i adore ijin because like...even after all he's been through and how grim and immovable his life has made him, he's still so so gentle with his grandfather and little sister. he loves his family so so much and it makes me ILL. speaking of his family i adore just how many families he HAS like he has the numbers, major kang and all them (his relationship w them has me absolutely dead on the floor the amount of rants ive gone on abt them is frankly worrying), dusik cha n his right hand man, and ofc his grandpa and dayeon!! he's so caring that he creates such strong bonds with so many people and they become irreplaceable in his heart and he would do absolutely anything to protect them. he puts the people he sees as family over EVERYTHING in his life and once a person has become part of his fam he becomes super protective of them <3 an example of that is once he knew that jiyeh was engaged to major kang, who was the first person to really help him understand what family means, he immediately added her to the ppl to be protected and went super far to protect her when she got kidnapped because he knows she's special to major kang!! someone in the comments said "his in-law!!" and that had me sobbing on the floor bc he got so excited and felt like he had to be cool in front of her AUGHH. he's such a sweetheart while also being an incredible and badass fighter and that combo is my fav kind of character 🫶🫶

1. MY ABSOLUTELY FAV IS TAEHUN FROM VIRAL HIT/HOW TO FIGHT. me and my buddy literally rant to each other all the time about him every time he shows up we're kicking our feet twirling our hair giggling.... i haven't finished his backstory arc (im paused at the beginning of it i've had to mentally prepare myself) but i like him bc he's really passionate abt taekwondo and was ready to teach it to hobin even tho he said he would beat the crap out of him the next time he saw him ... imo this was the turning point for them and if hobin hadnt gone to him to learn the back kick taehun wouldnt have become such an integral part of the hobin yu company(lol). i also rlly love that he was determined to start a newtube channel even tho he thought it was embarrassing aughh it was so cute!! also he watches hobin's streams and is visibly super proud of how far he's come and i think thats rlly sweet <33 i also love him bc he's incredibly gender like i wish i was him so so bad the mullet and the style and the LIPGLOSS AND MASCARA AND EYELINER and the snark and the asking for 500 won thing he's so frickin cool im obsessed with him AUGH!!! i just think he's super cool. another reason is bc of how obviously fruity that guy is like oh my god he cannot be normal for 3 seconds every time he's trying to intimidate someone he has to get all up in their personal space like,, be fr. when he first confronted yeonu(?) did u see that pose bruh what was that. every time his fangirls show up in v-hit's chat im like theyre LITERALLY me i could not relate to them more honestly. i made him an entire pinterest board . the entire reason i started reading v-hit was for him bc my friend told me abt how cool he was and i just had to get in on that so,, yaya !!! he exceeded my expectations a thousand times and ilhsm

^ some of my fav taehun scenes altho every single panel he's in has me blushing and giggling 🤭

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

frankenstein from noblesse!! he's so badass and i love his hair and he's so loyal he just. aughh even tho the gang pisses him off sometimes he still cares for them sm

mr na from get schooled/true education!! he cares so so much abt the kids and helping them and he really wants to defend his fiancee and prove that she was right to say all kids can change <3

gerard from weak hero...he is so special to me i love how old man he is. he sleeps in bushes and enjoys slapstick comedy he's just like me fr!!! i just love him soo much smth about these guys who fight w kicks 💓

[murdoc]

had the luxury of finding out one of my new coworkers is actually one of the most miserable people to be around.

she's an older crunchy white woman and she seems to resent that the people who are above her are younger and have to teach her how to perform her job/tell her what to do..?

she already didn't get along with one of my coworkers who is rlly nice and cool because of that, but then within about 30 minutes of overlap with her, she has decided that because i am the newest employee (with years of prior experience both at this company and outside of it though) that she will try to severely micro manage me

ive had shitty coworkers before, but i was not prepared for how immediate this woman's bad side would show. that 30 minutes felt like Years being around her. she even tried to have a standoff in front of a customer i was helping earlier????

the customer had two large pieces that she wanted help bringing in from her car. i had told her i'd be happy to help her on the phone and that when she came in to let me know in the shop and i'd go out to pick them up.

shortly before this, my coworker Demanded that i move the 50lb boxes of glass leaning against the wall (not in the way) to their storage place because it was in the way of Her. i am twice this woman's width and have been here for hours walking past it today and yesterday. i barely even noticed it.

she told me she couldn't move any of it because she was arthritic and had back issues, and that bcz i was younger i'd be fine. i had nicely told her i also have back issues, but if she really wanted i could totally try to put some away if i felt my back was safe enough to do so.

when the customer on the phone came up to the counter, she RAN out and helped her. i knew what the customer looked like so i went out to clarify that this was the same woman i had talked to on the phone, and what she wanted was help with carrying similarly heavy objects from her car. i thought i was being nice by not having this self admitted severely arthritic woman who can't even handle moving a single box of glass to a MUCH closer destination out... but she kept interrupting me when trying to clarify and giving me a rude glare like i was intruding on Her customer??

i ended up just letting her do it since apparently she had some newfound strength and she wouldn't even let me get a word in. i also wasn't going to sit there and make the customer uncomfortable like she clearly was fsr (foreshadowing). crazy how she was so open to admitting she wasn't as badly hurt as she claimed to be, and that she just wanted me to do the work she didn't want to.

anyway, two of the pieces that came in were pieces i worked on earlier that i didn't realize i forgot something on (the other two were pieces my manager accidentally did the same thing on, which felt nice to know i wasn't immediately embarrassing myself over). i had told my coworker that since they were my error, i was happy to fix them (not to mention, these pieces were the two bigger ones so i also wanted to make sure her back would be fine)

she said that's fine but then. kept telling me how work in the shop was done? and how certain framing things were done?

i had reassured her that this was just an oversight that both our boss and i made, and that i have half a decade of experience here. i think it accidentally just made her angrier :')

while all of this was happening, she was telling our other coworkers to go away because she was very busy with this.. this was now my first impression with some of my other coworkers.

hours here are very tight, so i ended up having to leave, and when i came back in the next day i had found out from my other coworker she had left two notes. one being a scathing note towards me, and the other being a more general note. my coworker immediately realized the first one was ridiculous and threw it out, and the other she left so that our boss could see how absurd our other coworker was being.

i also found out that she made that same customer wait HOURS in the store for her pieces. i had told this customer on the phone that she'd be best off dropping the pieces off and we'd call her to come and pick them back up because it would take a while. turns out my coworker made her stay until CLOSING? AND DIDNT EVEN GET ALL HER PIECES DONE!

when cleaning up the shop later in the day, i realized that part of that was because she tried to do the pieces i had told her i would handle, and REDID all the things i had done before leaving??? and made them significantly worse???

the wiring on the back was so poorly done that i worry in the very near future the other piece i had told her to leave for me to do will be back because it fell off the wall. i wish i was exaggerating with that, but this happened a few times with newer coworkers at my old location :') i'm just at a loss with how she thinks she has more experience over me by being at this location longer, and yet cant even do one of the most basic things you're taught at this job

it was quite literally the first thing i was taught at my shop, and the thing framers will leave their more inexperienced framers to do when they don't feel confident enough they can perform any other task

i forgot to mention that she was actually an hour late coming into work too lmao. im hoping i either get a better job or she gets fired, because i cannot handle this after the passing of my closest family member and having someone break my car's side mirror so i have to take ubers to and from work :'))) btw october has me scheduled for at most 10.5hrs each week. it literally wont even cover half my rent BEFORE the ubers.

if you read this long hi. not sure why you did but i hope your life isn't as horrible as this rn <3

[venusvxen]

I saw this tweet from this girl on my tl (she’s christian) saying how she doesn’t know what god has planned for her rn but she’s gonna walk by faith not sight and it made me think about how it’s easier to trust in the unseen when it’s in relation to religion as opposed to like.. the law

the whole strength in numbers thing makes ppl feel like they’re not delusional for putting all their faith in soemthing they can’t see bc the reasoning goes “well..billions of other ppl pray to this god.. surely there’s some logic here”… that’s why ppl get so mad if you call them delusional for being religious.. but those same ppl or society in general will look at someone who practices something like loa like they have 7 heads… it’s deff cus the whole army is gone.. You have to believe in yourself as opposed to believing in a god and the cushion of knowing “okay this is something this has been done before.. so results are guaranteed” is gone..

at the end of the day.. it’s always been You. Like i say it’s rlly hard to believe in yourself because society makes us believe that we need to pray to gods outside of ourselves and that our fates are not in our control.. and like i said… being the only one walking a completely different path than the one everyone around you can make you feel like you’re doing something wrong..

but ultimately.. there’s nothing different from being religious as opposed to practicing the law. the difference is that the god you pray to is imagination and is within you just not at some shrine or before some altar… if religious people don’t think they’re delusional for putting all their faith in an unseen god then tou need to trust your imagination… your god.. the way your religious friends trust theirs..

just food for thought.. and also advice for myself lol

[subskz]

crying again LMFAOOOOO actually crying even harder than bb4 the second y/n said “yr so good chan” i fucking lost it nah they are literally my babies. the way her thumb was hurting bcuz of chan’s cut,,, be so fucking serious rn i can’t do this

btw realizing tht when y/n tells chan “i don’t love you for what you can do for me” that’s prob the first time he heard her say she loves him bcuz he was about to pass tf out from sleep the first time,,, kmsing actually

i legit got no words for how beautiful that entire fucking scene was like i felt it healing me from the inside out idc how corny i sound rn everyone look away while i be vulnerable wit missus rin 🥹 everything they said 2 each other nd the way y/n FINALLY matched chan by opening up and that’s what made the breakthrough. nah i’m inconsolable this series is fucking everything to me

the smut. dawg. you alr know you got me chewing the iron bars in my enclosure every time but this was literally…. a bitch thought she’d get a break from crying during this scene but NAH IT MADE ME CRY TOO 🤣🙏🏽 the part that rlly got 2 me was the sentence about chan’s strength being used to protect others and never to harm,,, the most chanathan thing ever what if this was my last straw. and channie hidin his face, the fucken i love you’s over and over again ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?!?!? QUICKLY

i can’t believe it’s over like i got no choice but 2 reread bb every day for the rest of my life actually i want to live inside this series. but i love you saur moch girlie queen thank you for writing this fr it changed the trajectory of my life forever nd i can’t wait to see what you do next 🫶🏽

NOOOO 😞 i owe you so many apologies haha i’m very sorry for the emotional turmoil this past week…i hope it was more of a happy cry this time at least! and yes i couldn’t resist such a golden opportunity for the reader to feel channie’s pain…they are connected in ways they don’t even know of!

THERE U GO AGAIN BEING OBSERVANT AS EVER ㅠㅠ you got it!! a very critical moment for channie to hear those words for (what he thinks to be) the first time! i’m thrilled u made that realization but that’s just our genius grindset isn’t it <3 thank you so much my dear you have no idea how much that means to me!! it was a bit of a challenging scene to write but knowing it could have that effect on you makes it all more than worth it, i’m really happy it touched ur heart! 💗💗💗 and that’s exactly it, the reader had to subject herself to the mortifying ordeal of being known just as channie did hehehe

the smut made u cry too 😭 i know it was incredibly sappy n soft i just couldn’t help myself w it being makeup sex n all…esp when the central idea was praising channie n making him feel loved HAHA i blacked out and suddenly 7k words of adoring chan were on my screen </3 i’m so glad u liked that line!! it’s what i love so dearly abt chan (and binnie!) that they’ve got such broad shoulders n muscular arms but such gentle kind souls yknow…their strength is for hugging and helping others and being steady enough to lean on 🥰

i kinda cant believe it’s over either it feels bittersweet…but i just feel so fulfilled overall to have finished this series and to have shared it w you! you uplifted me so much from day one and i’m so grateful to you! your feedback has made me giggle and smile every step of the way, so thank you so much for everything. i love you right back ♡

[hitomisuzuya]

hey suzu! js a side note aft seeing one of your posts mentioning horses: i honestly find it so cool that you're skilled at riding horses ! i've always wanted to know if the sport does require a lot of core strength as well as balance? it's rlly interesting :D im quite curious as to how you've picked it up, if you don't mind me asking ><

Aww, I'm glad you noticed. Mentioning horses every now and then is my way of leaving part of myself in my writing. Yes, it does. Not only does it require strong discipline and demands your reflexes be honned to act almost instantly and correctly. I'm not going to lie, it takes a lot out of you sometimes. These animals outweigh you by thousands of pounds and they are quite unpredictable.

As for how I picked up this passion of mine, my mom put me on a horse named Frank when I was 5. I still remember exactly what Frank looked like. I was hooked from there. I even picked horseback riding over being a dancer because that's what I originally wanted to do. By the time I was 12, I got my own horse. I did plan to talk about this until July 28th, the day my whole life fell apart, but hey, what the hell, may as well spill my guts now lol. Remember that pain I talked about in my heart that would never heal, well here is why. One year after I graduated highschool, the owner of the barn I kept my horse at developed an addiction to gambling and sold my horse behind my back to a slaughterhouse to feed her addiction. LOL don't worry, the dumb bitch dropped dead of a heart attack she deserved a few days later. I didn't find out she sold my horse until three days later. I know I must sound over dramatic. I feel like I failed him everyday. My horse loved me and he was my pride and joy. I write to cope and run away from this pain in my heart.

Ahem sorry, I've wasted enough of your time ❤️

[purringbookworm97]

Hii! I'm like rlly new here and I saw ur blog and stuff I'm very confused about the "crystal vibe" thing? Why is amethyst feminine and why is obsidian masculine or why aquamarine is both

Is it because of the properties? Obsidian came from lava and fire so it's masc and yk that and that I almost got my head around it,but then I got confused again

I hope this was okay to ask! I totally understand if you don't wanna asnwer or don't wanna explain,I like ur blog alot btw and tysm for the pinned links

I hope you have a great day 💖 or night

Hi nonnie!

First thing I'm going to ask is, did you see anything about gendered crystals on my blog? Because I don't remember reblogging or writing anything about gendering crystals, since I myself don't particularly appreciate it.

Now of course it's okay to ask and I'm glad you did! Now why do people gender crystals or random objects for that matter? in my limited experiences, it comes from two things, property and aspect.

As you may know, some people associate qualities and flaws with specific genders. If you, like me, have lived in a westernized society, you might have noticed the emphasis that these societies put on the binarity of the sexes and genders. Most of the time, there must be the Masculine and the Feminine, which are pretty much forbidden to come in contact out of procreation.

Yes, you can find depictions of gender neutrality in New Age Spirituality, but when considering gendering objects, one usually decides to separate them into definite Male/Female categories, following guidelines that can be arbitrary about what is which. Let me give you an example:

Usually considered "feminine": healing, family, children, passivity, motherhood, love, affection, softness

Usually considered "masculine": aggressivity, violence, strength, sharpness, assertiveness, dominance

On another plane, fire, stone, and thunder, but also all "violent" phenomena are usually considered masculine, and on the other hand, everything soft such as plants (especially flowers), rain, and round shapes are considered feminine.

Therefore why do people say amethyst is feminine? Because its aspect and properties fall in the usually "feminine" category of things Obsidian would on the other hand have qualities deemed more "masculine", and Aquamarine would have qualities from both.

Now why do I say usually? because none of these qualities is inherent to one gender or the other, there are also more than two genders, and that is my main issue with gendering objects. I'm a transgender guy, and my femininity doesn't make me less of a man, the same way that a very butch lesbian is still a lady because what matters is the ways she identifies.

Of course, if you feel that associating genders to crystals or anything else matters to you, by all means, do it, but do remember that gender is a fluid concept that must resonate with you before it resonates with anybody else. Alternately, it doesn't matter what a crystal looks like or what it does, that doesn't define their gender.

The best way to know what something's gender is: asking. If you know any divination methods (pendulum, runes, tarot but also many more), ask your crystals, and then you'll know!

Hoping I wasn't aggressive in my answer, and that you're having a lovely day, night or evening!

Thank you for sending an ask!

[columbiafawn2]

I’m waiting at Wynyard now for the last train of the night. I did intend to be home earlier than this but here I am.

I took two of Xavier’s dexamphetemines and I’m feeling so energised. I’m just worried about tomorrow because I have to tutor at 1:30pm, which is actually late in the day now I think about it Lel. But I do have to do the vacuuming before 10:30am so I will wake up early anyway. Ugh I’ll just wake up — set an alarm. Why do I do this to myself?

I just feel like I’m wasting my youth. Except what is youth for except to stumble around doing whatever you want with v limited responsibility? I suppose I’m just doing what I’m meant to, and for once I’m acting my age and it’s freaking me out. I’m not as mature as I thought I was.

But I don’t think I relinquish my maturity entirely. I still go out and socialise in a mature way, make mature decisions. So, maybe I’m fine.

I mean ofc I’m fine Lel there’s hardly ever something to actually correct in my life, and if there is I usually do it pretty quickly and decisively.

I’m also looking at the other guys in the city today and I’m sad because I’m not like them and nothing I can do can make me like them. I’ll always be different. And yes difference is where I draw my strength from, but sometimes I think it would be fun to live life as just a regular person. And Ik I could just be a regular person, adopt their mannerisms, assimilate, but i know I’m not going to do that. I value authenticity too much. What’s the point of living that life if it’s not where I’m meant to be?

Yk what I think this is. I think it’s just romantic longing sublimated, where I want to become the guy I would date in some denial of my romantic needs. It’s just too scary to put myself out there and risk making cringy mistakes. And I tell myself I won’t make those mistakes, but my history is telling me otherwise. I don’t think I can get out of the romantic game without making something of a fool of myself. Sad but true.

I feel like I end up liking straight boys. And idk if that’s a semi-conscious thing (I would say subconscious but I don’t like to let myself believe some parts of my psyche are impenetrable even with introspection). But I can also recognise that I’m just a hormonal mess, and I watch the people around me make hormonal mess decisions and cringe. I want to learn from their lessons.

I mean I do think I’m pretty good at seeing whether a relationship is going to work. Or maybe I’m just good at seeing faults 🙈

And I find people and idealise them, such as the guy in my English class (who is this month’s limerant object), to make them the « only » one I can like. And it’s all coming back to me now because I haven’t liked anyone really in 18 months. I mean, there was Luca, but that wasn’t rlly a crush. Ofc it probably was, but not in the way I would actually classify a Nathan crush. It was just too overt. I need to develop a strange fascination with this person and then be confused about whether I like them for a while. With Luca, I guess yes there is a paper trail of me wondering whether I liked him, but I always knew it wouldn’t go anywhere so it was just some mental fodder.

It’s also hard to idealise someone when you actually know them…

Ok in the morning I’m going to download the original book on limerence to try and understand what’s going on in my head.

Because I can’t keep doing this. This isn’t how to foster authentic romantic connection. It’s just a way to get attached to an idea and make myself feel safe. It’s unfair on the limerant object, and frankly embarrassing for me. Like maybe it’s ok in high school because most ppl are messy, and maybe even in my early 20s, but I think once I recognise the problem I’m obliged to work on it.

[hiddenreflections]

Trying to like resolve or integrate experiences I only know of cause Adam chose to share the memories w/ me. Like, maybe theres some value in us being proud of the harm we caused. Like legit of the harm caused to others, cuz at the time it was necessary. But maybe its also necessary for me to to be the part that feels guilt over it, even if Adam wont. Maybe theres value in his lack of guilt over what he did, and my working sense of guilt over what he did. I think its entirely possible to keep in line without a sense of guilt, mind you, I just think this is more instinctual for me. Maybe Adam can see some value in me feeling guilt for smth he did, cause im the one that is the host, im meant to contain him, meant to keep him in line and its easier if I allow myself to feel some level of guilt for it. Maybe not even guilt distinctly over just how he hurt them, cuz I do feel his sense of pride there it integrated, but guilty at the idea of hurting anyone like that again.

Like not to sound super scary, but I personally dont mind Adam thinking of how he made that girl cry when we were 13, when she felt helpless, hurt, stranded and thinking of her tears as some kind of badge of honor that shows he really got to her. Go ahead think of it your way. I respect that. I even see strength in it. But in the end the lead that is to be followed is mine, and id feel guilty if we ever hurt anyone like this again. So even if Adam lacks guilt at the core of it, he can resign to my sense of guilt and let that lead him.

Idk if that makes sense. Adam is already a bit iffy cause my usual lack of guilt over this made him feel very accepted and non-judged, which made him trust me more. But I do not think his and my bond is a house of cards even if hes prone to temper sometimes. I trust hell get how I mean it, even if its ten questions about it later.

I personally just always had a sense of guilt and find it fairly easy to let a sense of guilt keep me from doing wrong things, and if Adam can lean on that then itll be easier for him too to let go of the idea of ever getting to hurt anyone again (not that he planned to or really wanted to.) he doesnt rlly have to have a sense of guilt of his own for it. He can continue to be who he is. He just needs to trust me. Which he does do.