#i know it's the weather that's making them all be such massive cunts today but jesus christ

[mirdaniaa]

a real interaction i just had with a patient:

"Is there anything else I can help you with?" "No." "Alrightie, I hope you have a great rest of your day!" "I won't." "...oooooookay, goodbye!"

[finalfantasyxivwritings]

Submitted by @owlespresso

Relationship: Wol!Reader/Thancred

Rating: Explicit

Summary: Deciding to take the advice of a dear friend, the Warrior of Light adventures across Norvrandt to explore the land with new eyes. Il Mheg is one such beautiful place you yearn to see, though equally dangerous in more ways than one would expect: beware of the pixies pranks and, more than anything else, don’t eat anything that they offer you.

You unfortunately fail in the second part of that warning.

-

Il Mheg is a wonder in its own right, a splendid land dotted with vibrant color that extended to not only the flowers, but those who lived there. 

You consider it a great honor to be able to traverse the land among the native people, the fae who generously allow them to pass through and visit. You were immediately curious about their culture, including the wide variety of colorful foods.

It became abundantly clear that they used flowers in several of their staple dishes, obvious from the way vendors flaunted them on the road and in the streets. 

The sun shone bright over Il Mheg as you wandered about, entranced by the quaint mushroom houses and bustling foot traffic. It was only a half-hour until noon, when you’d planned to rendezvous with Thancred in the center of the settlement, which left plenty of time for you to explore and indulge in some of the local treats!

Gil ready in hand, you trotted up to one of the fae vendors. The brief conversation you had passed by in an admittedly pleasant blur. They spoke so quickly that it was difficult to keep track of what they were saying, but you could only assume they were glad to see a paying customer.

The pastry that was shoved into your hands moments later was a visual feast of color. Pink pastry dough lovingly fashioned into several flowers was nestled against dollops of mint green-tinged whipped cream, and the entire thing was covered in crystalized sugar. All of it was wrapped up in a fluffy, cone-shaped crepe.

It was quite a sight to see, so glamorous that you almost didn’t want to eat.

Then, your stomach rumbled. 

Needless to say, the succulent pastry was scarfed down in about five seconds. Chomping down the last bite of the delicious treat left you wanting for more, but you restrained yourself in favor of minding the time. You didn’t want to be late for your meeting with Thancred. It had been awhile since you’d last seen him, and your concern for his well-being and eagerness to see him far outweigh your need for another crepe.

And that’s how you landed here.

While making haste to the Aetheryte, you were unable to stop marveling at your surroundings.

It seems as though you’re were early, though. Thancred’s nowhere in sight, leaving to your own devices. Well, at least there’s plenty to look! Your gaze flutters around the arera, taking in the pure mystique of it, catching bits and pieces of passing conversations. 

In the middle of hearing a fae’s qualms about the recent rains, something peculiar begins to rise within you. A steady, building heat that causes sweat to gather on your brow. Maybe it had just gotten hotter out? But that did little to explain the mounting arousal between your thighs. Your absentmindedly rub your thighs together, frowning when it did little to alleviate the tension.

Your lower stomach begins to tingle, a warmth bubbling in your body and making your cheeks much too hot.

This is unlike you. You know your body, and you know that this isn’t normal. 

Panic begins to set its claws into you as you desperately try to figure out what’s wrong, bouncing on your heels to the side of the clearing, unseeing gaze fixed on the gleaming Aetheryte.

Should you try to find a healer? Maybe ask around—gods no, you’d die of embarrassment!

Heading back to your inn room seemed ideal. Teleporting shouldn’t take too much out of you, but Thancred—

The sound of your name brings your thoughts to a cold, dead stop.

“There you are,” Thancred says, unmistakably happy to see you. Your heart jumps in your chest, the steady rhythm pounding in tandem with the thrum of arousal in between your legs. The afternoon sunlight catches on his stark, white hair and your pulse jumps, sings in relief at the sight of him, “My apologies. I mixed up where we were supposed to meet–was wandering around downtown like a lost fool.”

“Oh, it’s fine!” you assure him hastily, and it’s impossible to stop your gaze from running over his face. There’s the ever beguiling angle of his jaw, the curve of his lips–where your attention lingers for much too long before flickering downwards, “I wasn’t waiting for too long!” You get to the firm shape of his chest, outlined lovingly by his tight armor, before getting ahold of yourself and looking him in the eyes.

Which, is a bad decision, because oh gods, he’s looking at you and you suddenly feel like some hapless, giddy school child experiencing puppy love for the first time–besides the mounting, insistent need coiling inside of you.

“How blessed I am to be forgiven so easily,” the lavish croon of his voice makes your spine prickle, “Come along, we have all of Il Mehg to explore. We’ll have plenty of time to catch up on the way, I’m sure.” 

He gives your shoulder a firm pat, and even with the frustrating barrier of cloth between you, you feel another shock of need.

“Y-Yep! That sounds fi-fine,” you jump from your standing position and begin to scurry in the direction of the western exit, which leads out to a large, welcoming field of flowers with a few large, scattered trees. 

There’s the thumping of Thancred’s boots behind you, and you don’t need to look at him to know he’s eyeing you with contemplative concern. 

You’re more interested in the idea of being chased–Thancred chasing you, being down on you from behind, pinning you to the ground–

No, no, bad. If you keep thinking like that, you’ll lose your wits and actually do something you might regret!

“Are you feeling alright?” he inquires as he matches your pace. You are very decidedly not alright, caught between cancelling this entire outing entirely, asking him to fuck you senseless behind one of those trees, or continuing to weather the strange, mounting symptoms until the day’s end. The latter option sounds the most unappealing. “You’re usually not so…”

“I’m fine,” you say, too quickly, too firmly. There’s a nervous bounce in your step as the both of you pass underneath the pearly gate and into the wilderness. Distantly, you wonder if one of the flowers from that delectable pastry is responsible for this, and if so, wonder which kind it is, “Just, uhm, feeling a little off today, is all. It’s nothing I c-can’t sleep off.”

“If you say so,” he says slowly, skepticism clear as day in his voice, “So! Where would you like to head first? There’s Longmirror Lake–I hear the massive ruins of an ancient city lay underneath it! Of course, there’s also the impossible to miss castle in the middle of Longmirror…”

He goes onto list several possible spots you could visit, outlining the best parts of each, but you have a hard time parsing his words when you’re so focused on the rhythmic sound of his voice, coupled with whatever ailment insists on ruining your day. Had it stayed to a minimal level, you likely would have been able to ignore it–but your knees are getting weak and the subtle movement of your clothes against your skin is suddenly more grating than ever before. The overwhelming scent from your floral surroundings only contributes to your dizziness.

Thancred says your name a second time, and shakes his hand in front of your face, jolting you from a daze you didn’t even know you’d been in. 

“Any of those are fine–whichever you want,” you bring a hand up to rub at the bridge of your nose. Your tongue feels like cotton in your mouth. 

“Alright, we’ll head to the lake, then. It’s the closest one,” fortunately, he has no qualms about making the decision. You’re hyper conscious of the air against your skin, your clothes weighing down your body, clinging with sweat. The scent of the flowers, Thancred’s warm presence beside you. Your fingers curl into tight fists, palms much too hot and slick.

“Okay,” you say and your voice is strained.

It’s eating at you. It’s eating at you and you can’t stand it. With every step, you feel the moisture that’s gathered on your undergarments rub back against your cunt. Your gaze flicks to look at him, fixing on the angle of his jawline, on the elegant shape of his nose.

“Is there something I can help you with?” he turns to look at you, lips upturned in a slight, amused grin. Prick, stupid prick and his perfect face–you’re suddenly stuck by the idea of your thighs clenched on either side of his head, his tongue dragging up and down your clit, lips working relentlessly at your cunt while his hands grip you tight. You take a sudden, deep inhale and you realize that you’ve stopped in place.

He repeats your name and suddenly, he’s much closer, leaning into your space and narrowing his eyes. You wish you were anywhere but here, right now, because all you can do is stare at his lips with wide, hungry eyes and hold your breath.

“Pardon my assumption, but you certainly don’t look alright to me. You’re not acting like yourself and your pupils are the size of dinner plates,” he says. He leans in and presses his forehead against your own to check your temperature, and his innocent concern seals both your fates.

Your mind gives out.

Whatever you’d been poisoned with possesses you for that one moment and before you could even realize it, you seal your lips against his own.

Oh gods, oh gods– Your brain ceases to work as panic wars with your ailment, and your body all but crumples into his arms, face pressed to his chest. He catches you, of course he does, because he’s Thancred. He’s Thancred, your Thancred–

“Oh, my god,” your voice is a mere whisper against his chest. Your left hand presses against his abdomen and the thundering, agonizing arousal reacts instantly, “I’m–I’m so sorry!”

You push away from him. Stupid, stupid, stupid! You’d ruined everything! You should have just said you weren’t feeling well You aim to take a step back, but the ankle where you put your weight slips on the dirt and. Panic and dizziness wind together and jumble your senses, your vibrant floral surroundings passing you in a blur as you start to fall. This is it, you sob internally, I’m going to die after looking like an idiot and kissing him out of nowhere–

Then there’s a firm grip on your wrist and you’re yanked to your feet. The momentum from the tug carries you forward and into his chest. Your face presses into his armor. He smells good, cologne and gunpowder and spice. You don’t want to move, not even to quell your feverish, unrelenting symptoms.

“Alright,” his voice rumbles deep in his chest and you can feel it, “It’s incredibly clear that something’s amiss. It would be in your best interests to come clean,” his arm tucks around your waist, pulling you tighter against him and your knees just about give out. He curses, letting go of your wrist and wrapping his other arm around you in a clumsy hold against his body, “Twelve, we should get you to a healer.”

Your hard nipples press tight against the constraining fabric of your cloak and it takes every ounce of your restraint to not start grinding up against him. Your body cries out for it, weeps for it, begs, but Thancred is your friend. Thancred is your friend and he deserves to know what’s going on.

“I ate a pastry back in town and I think it made me sick!” you urgently inform him, “I was just fine before that!”

“That explains it,” Thancred says with a sigh, his lips so close to your face, “Most of the plants here have… special side effects. The fae have lived here so long that they’ve developed immunities to most, if not all of them. It seems that the vendor who sold you that treat left out that particular detail,” you just about collapse with relief. Thancred knows what’s happening. Smart Thancred, strong Thancred–

Breed, breed, fuck, mate–

“That being said, it’s not a good idea for you to be out and about like this. We should get you somewhere safe,” Oh no. Does that mean he’s going to drop you off somewhere and leave? No, no, that’s the worst thing that could happen right now! Especially after going so long without seeing him, especially when you need him now more than ever.

“Don’t go!” the desperation in your voice comes as a surprise to even yourself, “I don’t–I want–”

Your frustrations mount as you try to articulate what you want, what you need.

“You want me to help you,” he spells your thoughts out and you nod, relieved that you don’t have to articulate them yourself. Thancred will take care of it for you. 

He doesn’t say anything else after that, likely deep in thought or in conflict.

“I trust you,” you whimper, “I’ve always trusted you, Thancred,” it pains you to tear your face away from his chest, but you tilt your head to look up at him and don’t regret it. His eyes are wide, lips slightly parted.

It’s so much, so much, so much and the pure amount of sensory assault makes you begin to tear up. You tilt your head back down to hide your face, hands balling in the fabric of his jacket. Your knees start to tremble again, cunt sopping and body screaming out for his hands on your chest, ass, back, anywhere!

“Shh, it’s alright,” Thancred hushes, and the bestial part of your brain coos in content, so delighted he’s here and that he’s taking care of you, “I have my reservations about this. Are you sure?”

“Yes!” you say, leaving not even a second of silence, “Please, I need you! I’ve wanted you even before this!” your voice trembles with the weight of what you’d just said and pitches with desperation. Throwing caution to the wind, you continue,  “Thancred, please. I wouldn’t ask this of anyone else,” if you’re going to confess your carefully guarded feelings, you might as well go all-out. Consequences be damned! You can deal with them when you can actually think straight, “I”

He ducks down and cuts you off with a kiss.

It starts off as only a slight, gentle press, merely testing the waters, before he tilts his head for a deeper angle. Your eyes slide shut and your entire body loosens in a show of submission, more than happy to let him lead the way. His fingers curl into your hair, holding you where he wants you. His tongue rubs against your lips and for a moment, you don’t respond, too pleasure hazed. 

He gives your hip a light slap and you gasp, giving his tongue ample room to feel every inch of your mouth and tongue in a dexterous dance that makes you glad he’s there to hold you up.

Your shaking hands reach up to clutch his shoulders, feeling the broad muscle underneath his form-fitting armor. Your bodies press tight together, and you cling to him even when the need for air forces you apart. You gasp for it, dizzy and surrounded by him, him, him. His firm grip around your waist, his broad chest nuzzled tight to you, his scent. He’s perfect and he’s the only thing keeping you on your feet.

A thrill rolls up your spine at the knowledge that he can manhandle you so easily.

“Come this way, dear,” he murmurs, and his face moves away. Your protesting whine is met by a low chuckle as he carries you from the road and into a nearby grove of trees, with thick shrubbery and branches. He’s talking, but you’re not listening, eyes lowered as you press your face into his shoulder again and take a deep inhale.

It’s impossible to keep track of where he’s bringing you, but in only a few moments you feel your back settle against a tree trunk. Vivid, pink leaves loom above your heads, the sweet smell of the blooms more overwhelming than ever.

He presses you in tight, weight covering you entirely. Satisfying, deep, contact, contact, contact. You feel the swell of his chest, the press of his clothed cock against your sopping core.

One of his hands cradles your cheek and you automatically tilt your head into it, exposing as much of your neck as possible. The roughened material of his glove grates slightly against your skin. You want them off, but your coherency sizzles away when his lips dance over the skin of your neck. He plants a vast array of fluttering kisses over the unmarked flesh, making you squirm and whine. He shushes you again, tongue laving over the crook of your neck, before he nips there.

You buckle again, falling onto the knee he manages to shove between your legs just in time.

“Fuck!” you cry, eyes screwing shut at the oversensitivity. Sweat slicks your forehead and you feebly flop back against the trunk. Your grip on his shoulders tightens as he palms a breast, reminding you that there’s still an awful, cloth barrier preventing you from feeling every inch of him.

“Can you come just from this?” he inquires, much to unaffected. His knee begins to grind back and forth against you and you ride it, pressure and friction so good, too good against your sopping folds.

“Thancred,” you breathe, burying your face into his shoulder. It’s all sweet ambrosia, a devilish, intoxicating cocktail of sensations that numbs your mind to everything but the here and now, whittles your world down to only him.

His hand strays from the back of your head and grabs at your shirt, deftly undoing the buttons. You help him, throwing i haphazardly to the ground.

Your hips roll and buck desperately against his built thigh, head tilting back, back arching as he squeezes a tit. His fingers grasp the edge of your bra and yank it down to free your breasts. The material of his glove is still coarse against your hardened nipple, but it’s contact and that’s all that matters.

Then he ducks down, starting to lavish your chest in attention. Your dragged back under the mindless, euphoric haze. His tongue rolls around your untouched nipple.

“Thancred,” his name emerges from your lips as a warbled moan, and he hums in response, wrapping his lips around the perked nub and giving a firm suck. “Ah!” you downright squeal, panting as his fingers drip to your trousers, toying with the waistband,.

Your hands scramble and claw against his armor, suddenly possessed by the urge to see him just as bare as you are, to press against his firm torso. 

“Off,” the demand comes out as a weak whimper, but he obliges. One of his hands reaches and starts to undo the numerous straps over his chest, while his mouth stays busy. His lips pop from your nipple with a lewd, wet noise but he only moves to the next, devoting his free hand to tugging your trousers down. 

Your movements are hurried and manic as you help him, shoving both your bottoms and undergarments off at once.

“Oh,” he says, your eagerness seeming to surprise him. From there, your hands fly to his chest, helping him out of that tight, but agonizingly complex armor, “My, aren’t you eager?”

“Wear something that’s easier to take off,” you grumble. The thrall of the heat still has you in its firm grip, loosening your verbal filter and clouding your decisions. Off, off, off, is all you want. It doesn’t matter that you’re out in the open, that anyone could stumble upon your tryst at any moment. There’s no Eorzea, no missions, there’s nothing that needs to be done besides him.

“I’ll make sure to give that a try,” Thancred draws, and the top piece of his armor falls to the ground, revealing… another, admittedly tight-fitting shirt. You give a hiss of annoyance and he chuckles, grabbing the hem and taking it over his head, gently depositing it next to his armor. While he does that, you kneel, fingers greedily grabbing at his best, “Twelve, you really work fast when you want to.”

You don’t honor him with a reply as you finally undo his best, and grab his trousers, yanking them to the ground. The sight of his still-clothed bulge greets you, and you’re immensely pleased to know he’s as invested in this encounter as you are.

Unabashedly, you press your face against him, nuzzle your cheek into it. His breath hitches and you feel a rush of satisfaction, until his hands grab your shoulders. You allow him to tug you upwards, giving a startled squeak when he envelops you in a passionate kiss, the kind that makes your knees weak and your lower stomach feel gooey, hot want.

His cock presses against your stomach and you can’t help but wonder how it’ll feel inside of you. 

“Follow my lead,” he breathes against your neck and you shudder merely at the feel of it. His calloused, still gloved hands grab at your thighs, twining them around his hips, “My, my, you’re already so excited,” he purrs as his cock dips against your soaked cunt. You just about sob, eyes shut tight, head tilting back against the trunk. He’s so close, so agonizingly close to where you need him the most!

“Just fuck me already,” you beg, plead, on the verge of tears.

He hums in affirmation, bringing his weeping cock close to your entrance. The slow slide inside you burns with both pain and pleasure, leaving you a heady, listless mess. Your hips roll into him, a feeble attempt to get as much pleasure as possible out of it.

Whatever concoction you’d ingested made you wet enough for this to work without proper lubricant, thank twelve. You wouldn’t have been able to wait for him to procure some.

Your trembling hands grab at his shoulders, tighter and tighter until he finally hilts within you, pelvises nestled together. A low moan unfurls in his chest and the desire in you lights anew, because finally, finally, he’s going to be just as affected and lost to ecstasy as you are.

“You can move!” you assure him, hips already beginning to twitch.

“Twelve, you feel good,” he says and swallows, throat bobbing. You follow the motion of it with keen concentration, leaning up to kiss his hot skin.

Then, he starts to move. His hips draw back and shutter forward, and you experimentally roll to meet him, mouthing absentmindedly at his chest. Your lips press against a nipple, tongue rolling over the hardening bud.

The pace picks up, and each time he slides back inside, his pelvis bumps your clit. You bite your lip as your nerves fray, a hand reaching down to rub at the bundle of nerves while the other wraps around his neck and clings.

“Make noise for me,” he says, “No one else is around to hear,” and that encouragement is all you need. 

He coaxes moan after moan, whimper and whimper out of you, muffling them with his own lips as he kisses you over and over. His tongue laves against your own, swallowing your pathetic little sounds. Your back slams against the trunk with each thrust, and the violence of it somehow sends your further into the brink.

Your eyelids flutter spasmodically and your heartbeat thunders in your ears, cunt throbbing with oversensitivity. Something molten hot and delightful blooms inside of you and you’re over the edge, cumming around his cock with little more than a minute of encouragement. 

Your juices spill around him and onto the grass beneath. You distantly hope none of it gets on his boots, which he hadn’t bothered to take off. 

You’re limp in his arms while he continues to fuck you, simply chasing his own orgasm. The idea of becoming little more than a sex toy for him is more arousing than it should be, but you don’t get to think further on it between his erratic, urgent thrusting.

“Fuck–” he snarls, low and deep as he pulls out of you. Cum shoots onto your stomach, warm and sticky and utterly fucking blessed.

Arms still around you, he staggers back and drops to his bottom, likely smooshing a few flowers in the process. He brings you with him, still seated on his cock even as he flops onto his back. Your face presses into his sweat-slicked chest and you wrinkle your nose, moving onto his side. His cock, still half hard, twitches inside of you and your breath hitches and the feeling.

The air is still, quiet with the exception of the chirping, vibrant wildlife.

“Thancred,” you murmur after several long moments, “We’re probably squishing the flowers–and we still have to see the castle! Gods, I’m so sorry,” With your problem taken care of, the reality of what’s just happened finally returns, as does your coherency. Gods above, you can’t believe you’ve done this!

Your brace one of your hands against the ground and you attempt to shift off of him–only to be tugged back down by an insistent arm around your waist. His cock has grown soft inside of you, but the fact that it still lingers makes you tingle with something warm and heady.

“No, stay here,” he grumbles, “The flowers will regrow. The castle will be there for the next millennia or longer.”

“But–”

“You’ve exhausted me, utterly and completely,” he teases, turning his head to kiss your forehead, “So indulge me.”

“Okay,” relief is palpable in your voice as you relent, settling against his side. Your eyelids lower, gaze absentmindedly sweeping over your surroundings, taking in the vivid blooms, the rich brown trunks, and… 

“Thancred, where have our clothes gone?”

[chaoscrystals]

Every note in my phone 19

Maybe I can speed up the present. All I can think about is how I'm going to dominate the art world. I guess that's kind of fucked up? I feel dizzy and like my blood sugar is low. My body must look so disgusting I'm always burping. I must be disgusting that's why Ariel never hits me up All I can think about is how I want an art empire that is accessible to people of all races and social classes And how I want this sandwich I'm about to go eat. I'm so much fatter than I was when I was 18 that's why Ariel never hits me up anymore!!! :(__(_((((( It's really not worth beating myself up over. Pretty sure I got a yeast infection from fucking him anyway. * Why does my back hurt so much why does everything hurt why is life pain. when have I gotten to the point where I can hold all my pain and all my ecstasy at the same time, for one moment and then the moment ends and I'm back on the train again trying to make time go faster. If I was decaying I would look like black and pus and torn flesh, strips of flesh covering what once was my body. She killed me and left me in the woods to die. Put me in the back of her trunk. Headlights were right blue. Righteous and it was..she thought it was good.  I wasn't either dissatisfied, but isn't dying to hurt and be sad? I could spit black tar right here and people would probably just turn away in disgust, I could vomit up maggots, yeah girl its the same as it is for you too. I don't want you anymore he always wanted me. I'm taking you with me. Now we are dead. It came to me in a flash I had a divine vision. Of music. And being alone. * The boy means everything to me I got him in the corner of my sleeve, oh the bend of my elbow i lean on the table looking over at you I see the empty glass it magnifies you I'm ready I'm ready we're starting again, you're starting to break my heart again * Male exclusivity needs to die. Some men really can't be around women if they aren't fucking someone it seems. Ugh. Get away from me. Wake the fuck up. Sorry that everyone made us think that our bodies alone are sexual and need to be covered. I do so many non sexual things with my body. Americans can tend to being lethargic. I'm so angry * Im all caught in vines . sleeping time leaks the day its dripping in green and surrounding me. Phonetically speaking I think your words have more meaning than you realize Pick it up again inspired by my friends and I'm feeling feeling so good. Pack up your bags and take a vacation take yourself to rockaway * There's nothing special about me I bet you could compare me to any other girl in the world and id seem just the same, got a pretty face and her head isn't too bad either. And if you asked me today id say I don't think nothing special about me neither but id tell you what I know, that I'm the girl who would love you the most. * The praise on the water sought after colorful lights and pure tones Praise phoning in for a second chance in glasses cracked in the pavement red warring the light and wearing it as a disguise, praise be had, our Lord has grown old * Y stomach is too full its so full but I'm hungry and I don't have the energy to digest. I never needed to eat that much * So excited to be your own boss until the app doesn't give you work!! I'm gonna stop acting like I'm not doing things for a reaction or to make people think something of me. I am. Including playing music I am almost to the point where I dont have near anxiety attacks from eating around people. Proud of myself Taking kindness at surface level only is probably not going to cause any progress. Take all of me, baby. Even if I'm mean from time to time. I'm not okay with people's boundaries being broken in a monogamous relationship. But I don't really believe in monogamous relationships. Maybe I'm just cynical but it seems like there are too many rules. Or maybe it's all a ploy to lure guys in because they'll think I'm easygoing but I'm not I want to tell everyone every single one of my thoughts that sounds like a fun game * Jonathan is on my mind I've always had a craving for a good hearted musician and someone who will counter my unbalance, prince charming rides in on a horse, who brought the horse into the street who's mans is that? Are they getting with the plan do they understand or do you only like me because i have connections to new dimensions * I'm in love with nothing This haunting feeling Like I know what comes next I'm in love with nothing There's a hole in my heart when its growing apart it gets darker and smaller and I'm falling in love with you again * It isn't fair he will never hear me. He will never see me or understand me, when the mere sight of him sends me spinning away from anything easy to feel, I'm feeling so dreary one second and the next I got jets on my feet, flying over the moon cause I'm so in love with you * I just enjoy Jonathan is my whole heart!! One day he will know * Songs to write out Gracias a la vida Stormy weather Good morning heartache Lover man where can you be April in Paris * I want to tell people how hard my life is! * My song for you This is my song for you I like everything you do When I see you its like a cool breeze graced me with unending presently waiting pleasant and unchanging you seem stable to me, and I even like you when you're rocky. I like the lyrics I like the melody, you're like music, lets make a baby And live together In the city and very far. We can have two houses and even a car This is my song for you I like everything you do When I realized it was you Wrap it in red and a bow, kiss my head, after your show I know I can be a hard one to break, I've heard all these stories of heart break, what do I choose, what to listen, use or lose. But I know when I'm with you my dreams start coming true * Deep desires Understand the universe. Have someone accompany me in my sadness and despair. I want to come back together I want to feel enlightened I want everyone to feel goddamned enlightened I'm definitely willing to open up portals make everyone realize we are collectively manifesting our reality I want everyone in new York city to know my name nova luz, the body inhabited by us. She needs a companion. Lets get her a partner or two. * How do i really feel about the boys that I think I love? My Spanish tongue isn't too sharp....I wish...shit man, you just have to try harder to get it right. Laser mind. Not tonight. Michael is the name of an angel and no matter how hard I try or how much I'm thinking about Jonathan I still wonder about Michael and we spent more time together than Jonathan and I ever have. Fuck me. What are either of them up to? Why do neither of them talk to me. Haven't seen either one in weeks. I think I feel like I'm attached or in love. No matter how hard I try to forget...not trying hard enough you stupid fucking cunt! You're so fucking weak nova!. I wish someone knew how much I fucking hate myself sometimes I don't get why I just internalize this and nobody can ever know and its always a dead end fall off a cliff and snap your spine on the rocks before you drown and are pummeled by the waterfall FUCK. I think about them every day I wish I had a boyfriend, but malificence red lipped and hooded with festering infections on her skin, she's standing in the way, she's guarding the little red dog in my heart, the little puppy with forgetful parents, crying and underfed in an alley way alone, you only care about the way it looks. The loving puppy. Loving little dog I love you so much I love you no matter what even if you took a knife to my throat severed my veins and rendered my body a corpse I would still love you. Shit man that's fucking intense. That's a part of me that needs some help. The unconditionally loving part.....have I been deceived? I feel as though she has been deceived, and people always want to exploit her loving nature. This is the world I live in today. What if I wake up tomorrow on another planet? Is my boyfriend going to be there? If it was a planet with fruit orchards brightly colored things little houses and healthy atmosphere I would be down. Since I'm making it up, my boyfriend is there too. He loves me and we only need each other. I love him so much it fills me with fullness and vibrancy. He loves me so much. We spend most of our time together enjoying the planet, and sometimes we cook a big feast together for our friends and they come over and we all play music and drink wine * I guess now is an appropriate time to work on my issues with jealousy right? Actually...maybe ill wait What if it was a giant poetic metaphor? Green goop spilling from my heart and getting stuck in my pelvis..melting out of my pelvis out onto the floor. My physical my non physical. Non psychic but spiritual. Elephants from India are a shymbol for wealthy. And poor. Bread. Winning. Happy family. Sad family. Bread. Okay Maybe now I can work on my massive jealousy issues. Okay I'm going to start by listing scenarios that make me jealous Any female speaks to a boy that I like (level 10 code red situation) Someone's life looks shinier than mine Julia's in middle eastern vogue My friends have things that I want Other people have things that I want Other peoples bands are playing at cooler venues I am literally not a musician my name is Harriet and I never leave my apartment. Yo these sensory hallucinations are too much sometimes. That was a side note. I think my biggest issue is that when I am into someone in a romantic way, I get really upset when I see them talking to like, anyone of the opposite sex. Or of the same sex with Ursula. Or when someone is skinnier than me. Sometimes I get jealous cause of that which is not allowed because I am not allowed to have an eating disorder. Why is Julia getting so much attention while simultaneously being underweight and anorexic??? Noooo oh my god is she okay? Is everyone else okay?? Why is that allowed are you people fucking retarded? I can't do these things without having a million other thoughts. But I'm breaking the surface which is something. This is a deep fear for me I don't intend to leave unchecked. * I want somebody to love. I think writing all this sad lonely poetry can't be helping kts hard not to hate yourself sometimes. I wish someone was reading this. I really want a boyfriend so badly but I'm resisting it because in want it to be Jonathan so I'm waiting for him and ignoring everyone else.that's scary I don't know where he's at. He never talks to me. I want to smash glass bottles over his head for being so detached Fuck you!!! He never talks to him I mean me but I think about him pretty much every day.this hurts Why am I being like this? Lately everything I do is to get his attention. I want to cry. I hardly get any attention from him this is ripping me up inside.I just keep these fantasies in my head and I fall in love with them but it's an illusion I'm in love with an illusion. This hurts my chest. All I want is his attention and he isn't giving me any!!! I should turn around and walk the other way but I know I wont because I'm still in my fantasies that we are the same and that he gets weird crazy visions as well and that I was a part of his. I think I'm going to be wrong. My heart.. * I'm hitting the resin in my pipe again. And writing semi cohesive notes about my feelings. Am I using boys as a distraction from my problems? Why do I always want someone to hear the most insecure parts of me....I always always share my deep insecurities, like, first before we even get to know each other. What a weird kind of flirting style that's so weirded out by myself. Like, why? Do I not realize that most people are too in denial to accept insecurities in someone else? Especially in a package as cute as a nova. I have some pretty great ideas in my head..heart..butt..whatever...all of me......... Dot dot dot * Feeling A poem by nova luz palaquibay brener Written in September of 2017 I can feel everything. Mannequin pussy is famous they were in new York Times and rolling stone and a bunch of other big name publications. In happy for them. Not like when Julia's thing got famous. Even though I didn't spend a ton of time with any of these people, they changed my life. I still feel a little intimidated by that world, by the professional world and its cutthroat attitude. I don't really like it or want to participate. I just wanna have a nice apartment with a nice boy and wake up at 7 am every day. I still want to play rock music Its fun Mannequin pussy has that song where Marissa goes "I'm feeling it all I gotta get home I gotta get up" I'm feeling it all I'm feeling it all I just want to share a room with a nice boy and Rowan can come too And we can have small shows where we support each other for the things we love about each other and we still love each other when the other one is being an asshole. I don't like thinking of myself in a negative way. It feels bad. I'm very childish. I'm insecure that the things I do aren't big enough. That's stupid. I'm mad at my mom for always acting like everything was a huge deal. Like, nothing was ever just chill and normal everything was something. I'm childish inside * September 7 2017 Dear j boxer, There are actually several thousand things I would like to be saying to you, but I don't want to overwhelm you and lose you. Oh my god. You make me so nervous. Did you realize?at flowers for all occasions. I have never been more stressed out at a show in my life. I was hyper focused on what you might be thinking of me. I want to pour out all the imbalance I feel and you can watch it run down into the drains Yes I still think about that. And don't think that the only side of me is erratic and unbalanced and bad, everyone has so many sides. I know you think the way i play is interesting. I know I can play well. I feel like I am everything when I think about you. I think about you every day. Would you still love me when I am nervous and insecure? Love me like this or you'll never love me at all, you can only leave me if you don't love me like this, my all. My heart. Sometimes I get chest pains What do you think about me? My dream partner is someone I can put together shows with. but not ordinary shows. I don't know. But it would be something. I can envision my dream partner: active, healthy, compassionate, loving, open, creative, enjoys sex, kisses my neck. Is it fair to tell you this? Am I asking too many questions? Is it fair that I want to tell you all this but we haven't exchanged a single word in weeks? I can't explain it, its a feeling in my body, it feels so electrifying I don't ever want to stop. I'm sorry I have to test you so much. I can't help it. I think I'm like that with everyone. I wonder what you are doing now? If I said I wasn't feeling good would you sit with me in the park and put your arm on my shoulders? Even when my eyes are puffy and dry? * I don't know there's a vacuum in my heart and silver worms that live inside the vacuum, ever present resilient love the lasting energy in my blood, that they feed off of. Freed some space for their babies I know it couldn't be any other way, but sometimes I resent my mother for leading me to believe this. Because my religion is based in pain, my suffering will cleanse my sins and if you don't know then you must be unclean, I got to tell you how I see it. Everyone is looking at me Cause there's maggots in my heart, I can feel them squirming around, I can feel the top shell of muscle straining to get ahead of them to get on top of them, maggots squirming around in my heart, eating my muscles. My mind is unfocused. All I can see is misery. But its okay. The lord wants me to be this way. With a red-skinned entity hanging onto my shoulders and telling me "no, don't go there, you dog". Maggots in my heart. Maggots eating my heart * September 8 2017 Dear Jonathan Hi, how are you? Its been a couple of weeks since we last met. I am pretty much still the same. Hopefully I'm going to get a job teaching kids! Maybe one day you will fall in love with me. What have you been thinking of since I last saw you?do you want to tell me? Do you think about me? Do you want to hold hands? Can I kiss you in the dark on the street? Can I kiss you in front of people? I'm trying really hard not to take things too fast. Part of me really believes you and I are the same person. I really like how you make me feel..I always think about what it would be like to fuck you again. I really want to. I think I will. But there's one thing I'm wondering. Like what kind of relationship do you want? Do you like the idea of having me around or is this like "ill see you when I see you" No it can't just be fine I have insane feelings about you I need to know. I can be fine with what you want..I just want to know I'm not gonna hurt myself falling for you when I don't need to. If I'm just living on the promise of what I think you and I could be, I need to know if I'm right, right? Oh shit this doesn't sound good I'm spiraling into a panic. Oh god. Just tell me if you want to be with me!! Sorry I kind of get these intense insecurities. Then I like to wallow in them. Love me? Hah. To not end this letter on a sad desperate note, I will say the following: I like how you look I think you are very handsome, I like how you sing and play even when you lose your focus you sound amazing to me, I want to kiss you all over be naked with you and have my chest against yours, and feel your arms. I hope you don't mind me saying I love you and that I have a lot of love for you in my heart because I am insatiably attracted to you, and I also think you are kind but distant, and I think you are very loving and radical in your ideology, but you aren't annoying and liberal and show-offy about it. I like how much you know about music and music history, I think you are really smart. I want to kiss you all over. I feel so passionate when I think about you. It feels like you live in my heart and that's why I love you. I really really want to tell you. I don't know what could happen I just need to fuck you. I want you so badly, body and soul and mind. * August 9 Honey I want to marry you I love your sweet and bitter tastes Even on your sour days You make me believe That all my desires can be mine And I know my heart is true When I'm near you Yes I may have immense pools of jealousy, but honey, its nothing to me, when you bring me back home In a sentimental way, I say, oooooohhh you're too good for me The way we play together Like in our youth I feel like our life is a union, oh know honey I want to be true to only you We spend our days rushing around But I dream of a night where, without a sound I can slip into bed next to you, and you will hold me close, you're then the only other person I need to know, you're my everything Oh my honey I love you, you know I do, I would spend my days working for you, because I do love all the things you do And at night when the moods right, ill look into your eyes and say my sweetie, you know I love you.