#i know it was stated to be arasaka's fault but if they did what they did i'm sure the others did the same damn thing

[cybersteal]

BURN CORPO SHIT

[timaeusterrored]

{I apologize in advance}

Sad Silverdyne prompt: Tell me about the night Johnny found Alt. How he took it out on Ker due to him being depressed, drunk, and needing some sort of release.

Now why would you do this to me? Why would you hurt me like this? You KNOW they are my weakness- i like pain. Hehehehehe🥰

I hope you liked it boo😭 maybe I’m a lil slow but I’ll never know Johnny’s true emotions on Alt, and obviously we see who I want him with😭

(Tw: verbal fighting, no physical fighting but they do get rough with each other)

-

Kerry had been worried sick. He paced, drank, smoked, paced some more. He knew Johnny was going to get Alt, and Kerry tried so hard to stop him. But his begging fell on deaf ears and now he was pacing once again.

Alt had taken Johnny away from him in more ways than one. The band could all agree with it too, but no one said anything. Kerry spent more nights worrying about his gonk ass than actually sleeping.

He was hunting down another bottle when the door opened. He popped up over the counter to find Johnny already standing over him, reeking of alcohol and a fucking chimney, he always smelled like that though. But something about him now felt dangerous, even more so than usual.

“J-“

“Where the fuck were you?” What?

What the fuck did that mean? Kerry hadn’t left the apartment. Johnny already knew Kerry would rather die than ever storm Arasaka with his edgerunner friends. He wasn’t one of them, he fought his battles through music.

“Answer me!” Johnny grabbed Kerry by the arms, Kerry could see his own terrified reflection in the infamous shades. God where the hell had he been?

“I came home, you know I don’t do that edgerunner shit, J.” Johnny was fucking wasted, he could only assume whatever they had been planning to do went downhill. Kerry spoke calmly, but that seem to only fire his friend up more, pushing away from him.

Johnny panted like a wild animal, standing in the middle of the kitchen. Kerry had seen Johnny in several different states, but never like this. It scared him a little bit.

“Alt’s dead. Those ‘Saka fuckers got her.” Johnny rubbed his mouth, his hands shaking. He looked like he was about to break something, and Kerry didn’t want to be standing in the warpath, but his stomach dropped. Alt was dead? What did that mean for this little war Johnny had waged against them?

“FUCK-“ Johnny threw the empty beer bottle Kerry had earlier against the cabinet and looked at Kerry, somehow making this feel like it was his fault.

“If you had fuckin been there-“

“Oh don’t you dare. I already told you I’m not gonna fight your ‘Saka battles, Johnny. I told you not to go-“

“She’s be alive if you had been there!” Johnny argued back, trapping Kerry against the counter.

“Me being there wouldn’t have made a difference. Why are you putting this on me?! If you want someone to blame, blame them like you do everything else!” He liked to pretend Johnny like this didn’t scare him, but he did.

“You never liked her, the fuck am I talking about? You probably would have-“ Johnny stumbled a bit, glass crunching under his boots. “You probably would have killed her yourself.”

“I wouldn’t have given her the time of day-“

“It’s ‘cause you think she took me from you. Ain’t it? That’s why-“ he had to lean on the counter to keep himself up right, his words beginning to make less sense. “That’s why you fuckin’ hated her!” Johnny sounded almost… hurt by that.

“She wasn’t good for you Johnny.”

“And you are?”

Ouch. Kerry flinched at the accusation, looking down and away.

“Why won’t you let me love you? You let her love you, if you can even fuckin’ call whatever that was love.”

Johnny was silent.

“You have me, you had Rogue. You had the best of both worlds and you threw it away for her! Now look at her! In ‘Saka’s fuckin net doing god knows what! If you got your head out of your own ass-“

Johnny grabbed his jaw, pressing him fully against the counter and stared at him, his hand digging into Kerry’s jaw.

“Because Alt was everything to me. And you’re nothing but a sellout.” Johnny shoved him against the counter and grabbed the bottle of liquor Kerry had gotten out and stormed out of the apartment, the door slamming shut behind him.

Kerry flinched.

[tearblossom]

Orbital Station Scene Analysis: Part 3

Lmao here we go again. Ready to fall even deeper down the rabbit hole that is this scene with me!? This one scene functions simultaneously as my source of joy and depression and I watch it more than I would care to admit. So, naturally, I have even more to say about it! It’s going to be long. Sorry.

Part 1- https://tearblossom.tumblr.com/post/645095661644251136/scene-analysis-this-is-just-what-i-personally-feel

Part 2- https://tearblossom.tumblr.com/post/645776311115186176/i-was-thinking-some-more-about-the-final-scene

In this one, I’ll be going into more detail explaining the emotional mask that I believe Takemura is trying so desperately to keep on during this scene (and undeniably fails at several times, with it coming off entirely upon the scene reaching a certain pivotal moment) and also pointing out the instances that I feel the mask slips occur. Honestly, it’s pretty easy to tell for reasons that I will explain. I’m going to reiterate the fact that I am not a facial expression/body language expert. This is just one human being looking at another human being and trying to figure them out. This is just my personal interpretation of this scene. Prepare yourself for many, many screenshots and gifs. Also, I will be using the same video sources as the other two posts because I don’t have my own footage. 

https://youtu.be/ra-Ij1KU8r4

https://youtu.be/PUmQqVOq5oY

I failed to mention before the reason that Takemura even had to put up the cruel facade in the first place because I didn’t want to state the obvious and insult everyone’s intelligence. We all know the reason but I’ll just say it here anyway: Arasaka. 

Arasaka is listening to Takemura’s every word so he literally cannot say shit to V that would hint at any sort of affection for him/her and absolutely nothing that would indicate any growing uncertainty in said corporation. Words mean nothing here. He has to speak through his eyes and expressions because that is all he has to offer, the only cards he has to play. That is why the meaning of this scene can be so easily missed and flies over so many people’s heads. I do not fault anyone that may have missed this on a first playthrough or even those that are still unaware of it whatsoever because Takemura is very, very convincing at first (his face becomes an open book once the contract gets brought out but we’ll get into that later) and besides, to truly understand something that involves emotions as complex as these caused by equally as complex reasons or anything involving subtext really, takes multiple viewings to truly appreciate.

In summary, what I believe is happening here is that during the entire scene up until the contract gets brought out, his mental state is constantly teetering on the edge of a cliff so to speak. He is trying so hard to fight his sentimentality and control his emotional responses not only to V’s misery and pain but also his own wavering faith in Arasaka because they are watching, listening, and monitoring. And he succeeds extremely well at first but it gets harder and harder for him to maintain the mask. The closer he physically gets to V, the harder it is to pretend, to hide. His eyes alone betray him on several occasions but eventually the whole facade just crumbles and he falls. And when the contract comes into play is when he truly, honestly looks at V and the communication through his eyes really begins.

Here is the key thing- it is the most important visual clue to understanding when things happen: When Takemura is feeling any doubt or his emotions begin to overwhelm him or he fears that they might, he promptly averts his eyes to get himself under control and readjusts the mask that has slipped. 

He looks away from V during these moments!

(Just to clarify, I don’t think that every single moment in the scene that he looks away from V has this deeper meaning behind it. When people talk it’s completely natural for them to turn their heads, avert their eyes to look at other things, etc. These are just some moments that particularly stood out to me as signs pointing to my little theory.) 

Okay...let’s start deciphering this conflicted, broken mess of a man.

Scene starts. Takemura is fiddling with the Rubik’s Cube. He puts it down. Expression cold as ice.

mask on full display in all of it’s glory

They talk about Saburo being back in the body of his son and have this exchange of words:

V: “Saw Saburo Arasaka’s back. In Yorinobu’s body.”

Goro: “Yes. Justice has been done.”

And then it happens for the first time...

(Could this be...doubt perhaps? Has justice really been done?)

Moving on- he walks over to stand behind the chair across from V, telling them of their imminent death.

Goro: “I will be blunt - the surgery did not help. You will be dead before winter.”

And then he proceeds to make this face immediately after...

(Lovely, isn’t it? Just full of sympathy. His mask game is strong. But don’t worry though because V wins in the end BIG TIME.)

Understandably, V gets very upset upon hearing this news.

V: “How... how’s that possible? Arasaka’s got the best and the brightest.”

And then something happens again. Whatever could it be, I wonder!

But wait, there’s more!

(He couldn’t even wait until he finished talking before looking away! It’s getting more difficult for him to look at V with a straight face every second! Also, his expression here is the most broken looking yet.) :(

He must not reveal what is hidden behind this emotional wall that he’s worked so hard to build up specifically for this meeting because the room they are speaking in may just as well be made of glass with Arasaka’s unrelenting gaze, an ever-present entity, on the other side of it. He will do so soon though, when he offers V salvation. The contract raises the stakes. The rules change. He feels the wall breaking and there isn’t anything he can do about it and he knows it.

IT’S CHAIR TIME, CHOOMS!

He looks away another 6 TIMES! Leaning more and more over that edge. Feast your eyes...

IT’S CONTRACT TIME, BABY!

Oh, shit!

It’s happening!!

He does look away here but there’s no mask on when he looks back...only despair.

It’s gone.

TO SIGN OR NOT TO SIGN

The disguise is off now. From this point onward, Takemura looks at V with his true feelings on display. This is where the ability to read the emotion portrayed solely through one’s eyes really comes into play because even though he’s not trying to hide anything anymore, he still can’t say what he really wants to say. We have to feel it through his expressions. His thoughts are so loud during these final moments of the scene that we don’t even need words to know what he’s saying.  

REFUSE TO SIGN

SIGN

HOLY GRAIL MOMENT!

(I’m literally going to copy and paste what I have in my part 2 analysis about this section because I explained my thoughts on it about as well as I am able to there and have nothing else to add. My apologies for repeating myself but I feel the exact same way about it so it still applies here.) 

These reactions make perfect sense because we’ve always known that he cares deeply for V and never stopped. He just couldn’t hide it! But even with this treasure trove of emotional mask slips and unintentional displays of affection, I still wasn’t sure exactly how deeply he cared for V. In other words- if he was actually in love with V or not.

Is he already in love or is he still in the process of falling in love? Is it just a friendly love? (hell no! I knew that was definitely not the case but I still had to ask just so I could cross it off the list!)

And then the two of them walked to the door and said their parting words.

V: “Gonna see each other again?”

Goro: “I believe we will.”

V: “So… see you.”

Goro: “Visit me in Kagawa - I will show you what is real food.”

And then…

he proceeded to make these faces…

HOLY

SHIT!

(The mask isn’t just gone now- it’s burned, splintered, shattered, exploded in a million pieces, disintegrated!)

This man just had the biggest revelation of his entire life: the realization that he is in love with V. These are looks of love and I will not be convinced otherwise. I’m not a facial expression expert or anything, only stating my humble opinions here, but are you seeing this!?

He realizes the truth and it catches him so off guard that he has to look away. He contemplates these newfound feelings and tries to sort them out in the few seconds that he has left with V. And he does. He accepts them. He welcomes them. The gentle, knowing look he gives V when he looks back at them is saying just this.

He also knows that he is now fucked because his love for V is going to complicate things so much more than they already were. Now that he is fully aware that he is in love, these feelings are going to directly conflict with his duties to Arasaka later if a situation arises that places V and Arasaka on opposing sides and I think we all know that is most definitely going to happen at some point.

And now he has to see the love of his life die and just leave this place and go on with his day. Damn. This is turning into one of the saddest love stories I’ve ever seen. Something major is going to happen in the dlc that is going to force his hand one way or another: V or Arasaka? I hope that Arasaka somehow fucks up so bad that it makes his choice easier but my heart breaks imagining the amount of conflict and torment that await him.

The Beginning and The End

[kataraqui-archive]

Johnny Silverhand Meta

Why telling Johnny Silverhand he fucked up his friendship with V was cathartic as hell, more meta that no one asked for but I’m gonna go off anyway:

Obviously, spoilers ahead.

At the Pistis Sophia V and Johnny have arguably one of the deepest heart to hearts so far. Johnny reveals some of his history in the military, how a friend died to save him, how being used as a corporate tool radicalized him, and then gives V his friend’s dog tags as a symbol of his promise to sacrifice himself so V can live. It’s pretty emotional and made me feel like V and Johnny’s relationship had really grown over the course of the game.

Then Johnny asks for a favour, his last wish so to speak. To speak to Rogue and get revenge on Adam Smasher. He asks for control of V’s body so he can speak to Rogue and reiterates, multiple times, that this is ALL he’s going to do while in the driver’s seat. 

Instead, immediately and without hesitation, Johnny goes joyriding. He gets completely wasted, gets a tattoo, drinks some more, makes out with a stripper, gets into a brawl with the bouncers, then fingers the stripper in the car, crashes said car, and THEN goes to talk to Rogue after getting what information he could from the stripper. All of this he does with V’s body. He hands V back control, leaving V sick as a dog, beat up, tattooed, and with little memory of how they got in that state. 

Here’s where I get into my feelings as a player. I felt DEEPLY violated by this sequence of events and my inability to do anything about it. V’s getting piloted through sexual situations with a woman they don’t know. They’re getting tattooed. Yeah, in the world of Cyberpunk, that doesn’t have to be permanent, but it’s still all an enormous violation of V’s autonomy and what he consented to. It’s THEIR body. Beyond that, I thought V and Johnny were getting along, trusting each other, and the first moment V gave Johnny their unequivocal trust, Johnny lied. I felt betrayed. I was honestly so pissed I cried, in particular because Johnny brushed aside V’s (valid) arguments that this wasn’t what they’d agreed to and they could have done all that other stuff themselves without Johnny driving. The reality is: Johnny never intended to just speak to Rogue, he deliberately misled V so he could have one last hurrah with zero appreciation for how those actions would affect V. V who is already sick and dying because of the relic. No matter how you slice it, this is deeply fucked up behaviour.

It’s even more deeply fucked when you consider Johnny’s take on dolls. He’s openly disgusted by the way dolls are used as toys, the behavioural chip robbing them of autonomy/identity, and then their memories wiped so they don’t have to live with whatever depraved crap clients want to do with them. Then he goes and treats V exactly the way those behavioural chips treat dolls, and at first is completely unrepentant about it.

All throughout the story, Johnny reiterates how much he hates Arasaka for rewriting people’s identities. Even acknowledges that this is why he can’t stand the fact that, through the relic, he’s being made to do the same thing to V. What he does in Chippin’ In is hypocritical as fuck, but not the first time Johnny’s done something contrary to his general ethos. Though it’s not acknowledged in his memories because, as Alt points out, they were tinged with Johnny’s bias, the entire bombing of Arasaka tower was funded and backed by Militech; he hates corpos more than anything, but Johnny still accepted their backing when it served his interests.

When you follow that quest line to the point where you visit Johnny’s grave, we get to see a totally different side to Johnny. He seems humbled and distressed that, despite all he did in his lifetime, his body lies in an unmarked grave, an oil field where no one remembers it’s even there. I felt really bad for him in that moment, but I was still pissed. My V acknowledged that he would write ‘The Man Who Saved My Life’ on Johnny’s grave because, despite their falling out, Johnny is still trying to save him. There’s still a bond forged by sharing the same body and what they’ve been through. But when Johnny tries to sidestep by saying that, while he fucked up his relationships with everyone else, he’s glad he didn’t fuck up what he has with V, I wasn’t standing for that. I wasn’t going to let him play for sympathy over the unmarked grave to sweep his betrayal of V’s trust under the rug. I chose the ‘Nope, you fucked that up too,’ option. 

Honestly? One of the most cathartic moments in any game for me. Johnny doesn’t deny he fucked up either. He asks for a second chance, which my V agreed to give him, because even with all that fuckery they’re still close friends. 

I didn’t know this dialogue was what unlocked the secret ending, it just made sense given what had happened and how I felt V would respond. My partner played it differently though, which is how I came to realize that the dialogue you get with Kerry and Johnny is an indicator of your relationship. When Kerry asks ‘do you get along?’ my partner got the response, ‘Not lately, no.’ Whereas I got, ‘The kid loves me.’ That seems almost contradictory, given I’m the one who chose to go off on Johnny for his betrayal, and my partner let it lie, but looking at Johnny’s other close relationships and his general ethos in life, it painted a bigger picture. (Note: I don’t know for SURE that the ‘you fucked up’ line is required to get this, but from various playthroughs between my partner and I, and what I’ve found online since, it seems that this dialogue is the key.)

The only people Johnny considered close friends are all people we’ve seen in his memories, and in every single one he is butting heads with them in some way. Johnny knows he’s damaged the people closest to him. Acknowledges it not just over his own grave, but in various endings as well. I think it’s telling that the memories V experiences, the ones that stick out most in Johnny’s subconscious, all involve some kind of argument between he and Alt, Rogue or Kerry. I think the fact that they stood up to him mattered to him more than anything because they weren’t giving up on him. They weren’t going ‘Johnny’s beyond help.’ Johnny even asks why Denny never tried to fix him. He’s also disparaging of being a ‘yes, man’ in most quest lines, rebellious to a fault. I think V standing up to him in kind garners Johnny’s love and respect more than if V just accepts what Johnny did. Maybe Johnny sees that as disingenuous or even cowardly, but I think on a deeper level he sees it as a sign that V has given up on him too. That V can’t be bothered because he doesn’t believe Johnny can change. There’s also just something really moving to me when two people can express their anger or hurt to one another and still be friends after. 

Anyway, those are my thoughts on Johnny’s relationships and why the ‘you fucked up’ line was so important for both V and Johnny. I really love the way these characters are written, and this relationship in particular just felt really genuine in all it’s complicated glory.

Fin.

[trashcatsnark]

Oooh, I love the idea of them gaining some semblance of that spiritual connection through the Basilisk, that's such a great idea! I have a few more things for my AU: 1. Johnny tries to quit smoking with the help of nicotine patches, while V still smokes. Johnny worries that it's ruining their health and would want to try quitting together with them, but feels like it's his fault they're a smoker in the first place, so he probably shouldn't get too cocky. Plus, smoking seems to help V mentally, and in their state, they should be able to indulge in whatever makes them happy, so Johnny doesn't push. 2. Right after Johnny and V got transferred to their own bodies, they were immediately taken back to camp by Panam and Mitch. V was completely unconcious, and Johnny, while slightly better, still took it pretty hard, aware of his surroundings but weakened, unable to walk by himself much, his mind clouded and blurry. When they were leaving Mikoshi, Mitch carried out V bridal-style (I'd imagine he's a pretty strong guy), and Johnny just felt pissed and jealous, that he should be the one carrying out V from Mikoshi like this, but also felt mad at himself, that he's too weak to stand himself, not even mentioning carrying someone else, so he's just fuming in silence as they leave the Arasaka Tower. 3. When they arrive, everyone hastily prepares them a van to recover in. They make a makeshift bed out of a mattress, and lay V down so that they could rest. The mattress can fit two people, so that raises the question on what to do with Johnny. Panam doesn't trust him and wants to keep her eye on him, but others convince her that Johnny did so much for V that he's pretty much an honorary Aldecaldo himself, and that he clearly loves them (Johnny just bites the inside of his cheek at that) or at least cares for them. Panam finally says like "Fine. You can stay here with V, but only because that's what they'd want. You try to hurt them in any way and I'll kill you. You're on thin ice." and Johnny just nods, too exhausted to bite back. All that he really wants now is to curl up somewhere quiet and dark, with V by his side, so that they could share this physical misery between them to make it easier for eachother.

OOOOH, I LOVE LOVE LOVE

Cyberpunk 2077 Ending Spoilers below

Firstly, i love love love johnny quitting or trying at least to quit smoking following any ending. The first time i discovered that in Temperance my heart! So, yes, with my own v i imagine he mostly quits (only occasionally smoking strawberry cigs because that was their compromise to smoke during the game so they now remind him of them) and the first time he sees them smoking, especially after their recovery, he loses it like he did on steve and they're like bUT YOU YOU??? BEGGED ME TO SMOKE??? So, I always adore that characterization and that reversal, because to me it also further shows they've been left forever changed by the other. But in a situation where V is worsening and hes worried about... bigger things taking them away from him, I do totally think despite his worries he'd let them have those comforts because... he knows better than anyone that itch and need to smoke just as a comfort when the world is shit.

HE WOULD TOTALLY BE JEALOUS AND A LITTLE INSECURE OF THAT! Hes such a jealous shit, even weak and barely walking hes like bUT IT'S MY JOB TO CARRY MY PRINCE/PRINCESS DAMN IT. I know it doesnt happen but i just imagined him desperately trying carry V bridal style before hes fully recovered just to prove he can and dropping them and falling on his face. He'd feel awful but its really funny.

God Panam and Johnny interactions, I do love her just being protective of V and a part of her still, maybe always, seeing him as the person who nearly took V from her. She knows its not rational, shes been told a thousand times he had no choice but feelings are rarely so simple. I also imagine Johnny in general would kind of struggle with being with V friends; Judy, River, Panam, Vik. Misty. The ones he only knows through V's eyes. Because he's a stranger to them at best, V's deadly parasite at worse, but he knows them.

[cyberbrbie]

@malwarfare​ sent: 🍍

🍍  :    how comfortable is my muse in their body?  how do they feel about their height,  weight,  strength,  and body type?  how important is being attractive to them?  

OKAY THIS IS GONNA GET LONG SO IT IS GOING UNDER A CUT. Also, a very evident tw for issues with body image, weight, eating disorders, emotional abuse & things of that nature so please read this at your discretion. I will state however this is important to why Barbie is the way she is and why she acts the way she is.

It depends on the day. Barbie loves herself and the world to a degree but at the same time Barbie does hate herself. And she hates what she looks like. A lot of this has to do with the fact Barbie was in modeling since she was a child and some of it also has to do with the fact Barbie was a corpo. She struggles a lot with the acceptance of other people genuinely liking her and this stems from her issues with her parents. When Barbie was a toddler and her beauty was commented on constantly and finally realized by her parents who had been absent for most of her life until that point they only got involved because she was a pretty kid. They got involved because their daughter was pretty and that meant she could be famous which meant they could climb ladders in a Corporate settings, especially if they were her managers. Which is exactly what they did. 

Barbie’s parents never told her they loved her. They did, one time, actually and it was after she got her contract with a company under Arasaka when she was 17. They didn’t look at her when they said it though. They looked past her to the pen and paper on the desk. They loved where they had positioned themselves and were now actually being asked to manage more and other people under similar contracts to their daughter. This also contributed to why Barbie doesn’t have a last name and her scans only read as Barbie. She wants to just be an entity a person that just helps, she doesn’t want to be a big name forever because of Star Marion, herself, always being Star Marion. Never Star, never herself. The Marion’s being big corporate managers, the ones who made the super model industry. They made it by using Barbie for her beauty and she hates that, she hates that she and her family were such big contributors to a quick hack in how to get up the Corpo ladder, it makes her sick, and she sees parents sometimes when she wakes up in the morning and looks in the mirror. 

Growing up Barbie had a really strict life that was schedule down to the second. She had set times to shower, set times to eat and a set thing of what and how much she could eat. Barbie struggled to eat due to this, she either ate too quickly because of her schedule and then had to run and do a lot of things which made her really sick or, the food wasn’t enough and she effectively had trauma team show up a few times because she slowly became extremely sick which often resulted in losses of consciousness on sets or while doing daily tasks. Barbie’s parents had them all moved to a location where Trauma Team wouldn’t be as noticed and it was easier to cover up. Eventually her parents were able to strike a deal with Trauma Team if Barbie was involved a better more quiet way to handle her situation. Barbie’s health was always blamed on her and not her schedule or her eating or her habits of it. This reflects really heavily when she opens Dreamhouse, the reason she makes a lot of food available at low prices is so people get to actually eat. While Barbie still struggles to make sure she eats enough or at all on most given days she has gotten a lot better especially with help from people she has opened up to about her issues with eating and drinking water. It’s a lot easier now that she is running a bar and is around them a lot but she often times got sick or threw up while she was working for her parents because of that stuff. It was never noticed and she kept it under really good wraps but she struggled with it a lot.

Barbie also heavily struggles with her identity and her beauty while she is in Night City. This is really evident in her drastic quick gain of tattoos and cyberwear. Barbie got 43 tattoos in a really quick time span, the cover her body and are all sticker based and childish like, you can see all of them on her pin board here. Her cyberwear is on her neck, her temple different sections of her arms as she does have monowires, her palms both of them for tech guns and an extensive amount to help with her durability in her skelton and nervous systems. It brings her a feeling of strength and like my body is mine and isn’t being used for cash money but it doesn’t last long which is why it got out of hand so quickly. The problem is that this also happened the few weeks that she first started out on her own, Barbie threw herself into Night City, and she threw herself into it hard while she was away from her boys (King & Val) and when she sees them again she looks completely different. Obviously she tells them she wants that Night City look but in reality the reason Barbie got her tattoos and got her cyberwear was to try and convince and feel like she had control over her own image and her body. It’s gotten a lot better the longer she has been on her own and in Night City however, sometimes she stands in her penthouse and just stares at herself in the mirror. She has a lot of moments of kind of just these out of body experience and she sat there once for a few hours because she just didn’t feel like she was like in control of how she looked and what she looked like. The way Barbie feels about her body is always really complex because of the way beauty standards are and have always been in the world. 

Something that is really important to note though is that not everything that came from that experience and what this has done to her has been negative. Part of why Barbie does everything she can to be nice in Night City is because of how unkind the modeling world and corpo world was to her. She hurts, she struggles with her self image and her identity but she is using that as a way to get herself to where she needs to be in order to destroy what put that in her life. Barbie made Dreamhouse have a greeter station so people would get complimented and feel cared for when they answer the question of the day. Barbie compliments people constantly, genuinely too it isn’t the, your really pretty compliments, she will sit there and in the middle of a conversation go, I love the way you do x I think it’s beautiful and inspiring. She pushes herself to do that in order to help promote better thinking of herself and other people. If she can find something to love about everyone she meets then she can find one thing to love about herself. And she does. It was a couple months after this she started writing all over the mirrors in her house things she liked about herself, she cleans them off every month to make new lists but she writes until they are full. 

When it comes to the question of if being attractive is important to her that’s just as complex a relationship as how she feels about her body. Barbie was taught from the moment she was born that her beauty was everything. Her relationship with her parents stemmed from it, her career came from it her value in the world was because she was pretty. She knows being as attractive as she is as a fixer is helpful too even if she doesn’t admit it, she knows and it sucks but that’s the world. She tries to use the eddies to make it seem more like that but the status of her being attractive and paying well is what brings people to her. Barbie hates to say it, and even things it but with herself but being attractive means something, and it always will. Deep down, she knows that the only reason it means anything is because the people who were supposed to love her, and never did put so much weight on it and part of Barbie is still desperate for the love of family, for love in general that throwing away how she looks is too much. She destroyed Star Marion to be here, but she could and can never destroy the importance of her own beauty and it literally kills her. She hates herself for it. How attractive other people are carries little weight though, she is a personality person she always has been but when it comes to herself it is the reverse. As bubbly and fun and happy is she is Barbie struggles with her own happiness, self love and joy because of how much weight she puts on her own beauty. And honestly that is not her fault but literally because of how she was raised.

It has gotten a lot better because of her friends, again mainly with the acceptance of herself as Star and then as Barbie with both Val and King, whom have played a significant role in her being able to be happier. To be honest, to see how they both shifted in accepting her when she was Star into how close they became as she became her true self and Barbie has had a really profound impact on how Barbie feels about herself. She is, needless to say most days a lot better because if anything at the end of the day she knows she is good enough for the two most important people in her life and that’s really all that matters. Sure, she has her issues with self love and acceptance because of her parents but most days, the good ones, she is okay with how she is and how she looks because if she fell into a vat of acid and came out like a monster, she knows Val and King would still be around and still love and care for her. And that’s the big one. That’s the important thing. She still keeps her issues with her body image under wraps, and hasn’t said much to them about it, subtle hints here and there but she is, and will always be learning to accept herself and rely less on her looks because of them and learning how to be a person because of them. 

Her support system has played a very important role in how Barbie sees herself and is something that is and will always still grow as she develops as a character. She will always struggle with these things but they will get better as time progresses on here and in threads. But this is a very real issue that people in that work and world face and something that is very real for her. The one and only thing Barbie loves about herself, which has become super useful is her height though, and that is the one thing she will always love about herself and is the first thing she likes to bring up if the question is ever asked. So it isn’t all negative or bad thoughts, a lot of it is, but that doesn’t mean it all is.

[timaeusterrored]

Soft prompt for you: Tell me of the first time Vax and Johnny kissed~♡💕

HEHEHEH SOFT JOHNNY TIME💕💕💕💕

———

Engram Johnny

Vax had woken up screaming again when he opened his eyes and saw Johnny yelling at him to wake up. The two sat in silence for a while, Vax trying to stay calm and Johnny sat with him because what else could he possibly do. Vax eventually scooted closer and rested his head on Johnny’s shoulder, messing with the dog tags Johnny has entrusted him with.

“‘M sorry, J…” V didn’t know what he was sorry for really, only that he was sorry and felt bad. He felt useless.

“Not your fault.” Was all Johnny could offer for some form of comfort.

Vax looked up at him, held still rested on his shoulder, and Johnny looked down at him. The engram was his only source of comfort anymore, he’s never felt more alone than in this moment.

Vax doesn’t know what possessed him, maybe it was the most recent memory he saw of Johnny kissing his friend, Kerry, or maybe he was just vulnerable. But he leaned up and kissed him.

Color him shocked when Johnny kissed back, holding his wrist. He couldn’t help but grin a bit.

“Thought I wasn’t your type.”

“Go the fuck to bed.”

-

Johnny with a body

Vax had been down from the Space Station for about two months when Johnny showed up from his time being poked and prodded by scientists and Nomad doctors alike. He watched V fight battles in his own mind that he could no longer hear or see, which frustrated him to no end.

Kerry was stressed to high hell as well, taking care of Vax in his state. He watched his two pieces fall apart and he was useless. Kerry didn’t trust him anymore and Vax probably wasn’t aware he was here.

“Johnny I can I trust you to watch him?” Kerry asked, lacing up his boots.

“Yeah.” Johnny knew better now than to argue because when it came to V, Kerry would always win. “Where are you going?”

“Damage control for my label, it’s kinda suspicious when I pay a shit ton of money and start a legal battle with Arasaka.” Kerry stated, putting his hands on his hips.

Johnny nodded, watching him closely. He missed Kerry, his distrust was valid of course but he had miss his other half. “We’ll be here.”

“Should be back in like four hours, will bring home dinner.” Their time system seemed to have survived the 52 years they had been apart. Somethings would never change.

Vax came down the stairs looking for Kerry, and Johnny didn’t miss the panic on his face when he didn’t find him.

“Easy, he’ll be back in like four hours okay?” Johnny sat up, patting the space next to him. Vax chose his lap. Maybe he was more awake than Johnny thought.

Vax rested his head on Johnny’s shoulder, looking up at him. His hand was cold as he pressed it against Johnny’s cheek, his grey eyes dull with lack of emotions, something Johnny didn’t like. Vax had always had some form of emotion.

“You gonna come back to us soon? We’re losin’ it, V.” Johnny said softly, feeling Vax bump their heads together gently. Maybe an apology, or a promise. But Johnny knew Vax would be back. He was getting better and better everyday.

Johnny didn’t know how long they sat like that, listening to V’s breathing with his own ears, seeing him with his own eyes. Even in his state, he understood why people threw themselves at his feet. If he were any other gonk, he would.

Vax tilted his head up after a moment, pressing their lips together. It was over too soon, Johnny immediately wanted more. But knew Vax did it to show he was still in there, and was coming back to them slowly… it also wouldn’t be fair to Kerry. So Johnny would wait.