#i know im a bad public speaker i'm trying to work on that

[8nychta]

a little video i made trying to decipher the implications of pantone's color of the year (peach fuzz) and behr's (cracked pepper) on fashion in 2024. one referencing the past, bringing forward a new 2010s revival. the other challenging the rise in popularity of the coquette "i'm just a girl" aesthetic and promotion of anti intellectualization of women and building off the "office siren" trend / corporate wear seen on the runway this past season. if you even care...

[legy]

hi! i'm caelum. you might know me from @goldentruths-pod or from posting online. im in a financial quicksand pit and i really, really, really need help.

i'm disabled and receive approx ~$950 a month from social security. this has gone from "rough but survivable" when i first started receiving SSI to "i am literally not making ends meet" in 2024. right now my current status is that i am covering my basic needs but any kind of extra purchases are impossible. and the extra purchases i need to make keep piling up because i just can't afford them. some things i need include, in vague level of priority:

dolphin, my cat, is years overdue for a vet visit. this is going to be $300 minimum, possibly more because she has an adversarial relationship with the vet. she needs dental work done which they had quoted me as being $1500 but ive been putting it off for so long that i would not be surprised if that's more expensive too

i have learned today that my gold crown needs to be replaced. really unhappy about this one. it was a miserable experience the first time (everything that went wrong did go wrong, i'll spare you the details) but what is relevant here is that my insurance does not cover this and it was $900 last time. insurance also does not cover extracting the tooth either so that's cool. i have some time before this one is due (my next consult is in july)

my phone is approaching "unusably broken". i've had it for close to 4 years now. the call speaker no longer works (i can only use the phone on speaker mode) and it struggles to run apps or a web browser which makes things like GPS pretty dire. this would be like ~$100-$150 probably, i havent done serious phone shopping yet

my driver's license is expired and i need to get a new one. this was $110 last time. note i havent driven a car in years due to the disability but it's really valuable to have a universally recognized form of photo ID and ive already been hassled over it being expired

god this one is so embarrassing to get into but i had to flee my previous apartment last year due to it escalating into a DV situation. the other tenants did not pay the heating bill, which was in my name (and my dumb ass didnt close the account because it was the middle of february and i didnt want to freeze them to death) so i have a $250 utility bill in collections. i might be able to dispute or debt forgiveness this one but tbh ive been so fucking drained given everything else going on and also my phone barely works so i havent pursued it. especially since i can't afford to pay it if i cant challenge it

i would really like to have a passport again. my previous one was destroyed by my landlord in 2018 but even if it wasnt it'd also be expired now. not sure how much this one costs. likely $200?

my food stamps were slashed in half (covid emergency ending lol) and do not cover my food costs for the month so im paying like $150 a month on food that i didnt have to previously. i can maybe fix this one but im slowly losing my mind from malnutrition from trying to not go into debt and also eat. so i havent had it in me to go 1v1 welfare bureaucracy and possibly make everything even worse

my shoes are probably two months out from fully decomposing. they were $100 three years ago and id like to get something comparable given they lasted me this long

the rest of my clothes are also very literally becoming threadbare, falling apart, or are too big and keep slipping off. i legitimately feel embarrassed to go in public these days because i dress so shitty all the time

insurance doesnt cover my HRT anymore so that's $30 a month i didnt used to have to pay

im sorry this turned into such a ramble. i'm in such a bad way right now, i have been for quite a while and the dental work news is really just the final straw. i can't really have a fundraising goal because due to the SSI asset limit i can never own more than $2000. & i'm aware both that this is the poor people sending each other the same 20 dollars website and that there are people urgently trying to raise money to escape an active genocide. but i held off from making this post as long as possible & idk what else i can do

anyway if theres anything you can contribute to help me i would appreciate it more than anything. at the very least i need to do something about my tooth.

http://paypal.me/hivehum

[fagcrisis]

I'm not hungarian only by association (my gf but she's not even in hungary atm and I am) and i'm trying to comprehend what happened with the elections, if you're not sick of talking about it yet can you please explain it to me? I think she would have voted karácsony too but her family is team vitézy and I thought he was a left-wing candidate as well and had some decent plans for the city, why is he bad? THX and sorry for bothering you, I don't know him but I'm happy your guy won, congrats 👍

hiya, dont worry i basically spend all my days explining this shit to people. even most hungarians are uninformed as hell lol

anyway so short breakdown of yesterdays election, we voted for thr following things

European parliament mandates: this is where you vote for a party and their percentage decides how many ppl they get to sent to the EP. across europe this year the far right has gained massive ground, in hungary the nazi party got 6,8 percent, and we have no leftists or even so called liberals in there anymore.

local elections: this is conplicated. if you live in the country you voted for your city/towns mayor, and a representative onto the city council. if you live in budapest you voted for the mayor of the district you live in, a representative onto the district council, a party in the city council elections (based on percentage they can send an amount of representatives into city council) and the lord mayor of budapest

so the current, and likely future (SWEEP!!) lord mayor of budapest is Karácsony Gergely. hes a centre left politician, and while i disagree w a lot of his policies hes a MAJOR improvement on our previous mayor. ive been volunteering for various ngos and volunteer groups for a long time now and karigeri is always very amenable to working with us, under his time homelessness hasnt like, improved but he stopped putting homeless people in jail for being homeless, and removed a lot of hostile architecture in parks. also he recently worked out a massively beneficial deal for monthly transport passes which i wont get into but its cool. anyway like, the guy isnt the greatest is what im trxing to say but hes done shit that i support and being an activist in budapest is easier w him as the mayor

vitézy dávid is a guy who previously ran bkk, the budapest centre for transport and he did a good job of it, mans autistic as hell about trains. hes also distantly related to orbán viktor who i hope you know who that is. and hes not a fucking leftist LMAOOOOOOOOO he ran with lmp this year who are our green party ostensibely, but they are conservatives, and vitézy just on his own time is also a conservative. hes gay and jewish so idk how that happens but yknow. anyway, hes a way better public speaker than karácsony, and in a debate he massively wiped the floor with him which swayed a lot of peoples stances on him and thats why i think the race was so close

let me be very clear, theyre recounting the voted now and vitézy might win yet. if he does, fucking nothing is going to imrove in this city, because vitézy might have anti car policies he might say he wants to improve transport, but ultimately hes a fidesz lapdog and hes never gonna go against orbán on anything slightly controversial. the only reason we have anything in this city that makes it fucking liveable is because karigeri was willing to go to bat for it even though he got no fucking funding for anything. just because a guy can give a good speech isnt gonna make him a better mayor than the dude who comes out to student protests in support

[toournextadventure]

kind of random but how do you feel about public speaking?im taking a class for it and i’ve got a speech in a day or two and i’m so nervous. we were told not to memorize it and i know the basis and am relatively confident but i tend to freeze up and have trouble breathing (….. i literally forget to breathe) have u ever given a speech i’m trying to be chill but MAN

Okay I've never been comfortable with public speaking (I'm not bad at it, I'm just extremely uncomfortable), I literally took an interpersonal communications class in college. BUT. What really helps me (might not work for you, it all depends on each person) is to find a spot on the three walls I can see. I refuse to look at people because it distracts me from what I'm trying to say, and it makes me super self conscious. Looking at a wall helps me focus on what I'm trying to say.

Second, I fidget with my hands a little. It's not the most professional, you've gotta see if there's specifically a "don't fidget" rule (some classes had one in my day), but I'll play with my rings while I talk. I'll pace, fidget a little, and look out at the walls. Also? Absolutely memorise your speech a little, that's literally how speeches work. Don't read it word for word, of course, but if memorising the main parts of your speech makes you more comfortable? Do it.

I know it's not the most extensive advice because, again, I'm a panicky, 'tism-ridden public speaker. But sometimes you'll see a little bit of advice and go "hey, that might work." Just don't forget, you're better than a speech! You're stronger than you think you are! You're going to nail the speech and do an absolutely amazing job, I'm rooting for you 🫶

[criminalizegolf]

Bottom left reminded me of a long suppressed memory which can only be shared in greentext format

> be me, 11 y/o

> 2nd week at new school I transferred into partway through year

> trying to hide a stutter, haven't told any faculty

> have no friends

> 1st period teacher says a cop guy is going to give an anti-drug presentation after lunch

> we're literally in middle school why are you scaring us about cocaine

> whatever nobody gives a shit anyway

> go to lunch

> about to force down my chicken nuggets completely dry since this school doesn't know how to refill the ketchup dispensers

> suddenly teacher grabs me and pulls me out of lunch room

> didn't even get to open my milk carton

> "congratulations, criminalizegolf, you've been randomly chosen to give a short speech to introduce Officer CopGuy!"

> try to explain that I'm the worst possible candidate for this

> they won't hear it

> well the truth was gonna come out eventually

> embarrassed tell them about my stutter

> they still won't let me say no

> try to appeal to Principal DickFace

> "criminalizegolf, public speaking isn't acary just pretend the audience isn't there"

> this whole school is fucking bullshit I'm telling my dad about this when I get home and he's gonna kick your ass, DickFace

> 20 mins later im backstage practicing my little speech

> suddenly grabbed again

> sometime in the past half hour the genius factory in the staff room found a solution to my lifelong speech inpediment

> sure Jan

> can't they see I'm busy trying to memorize the cue cards they gave me

> "you won't stutter if you can't hear yourself talking"

> they shove some earplugs into my head and toss me onto the stage

> they left all the house lights on "so it feels less like a presentation and more like a discussion"

> make eye contact with random a kid in the front row

> instantly terrified

> know that if I look up from my cue cards and see the audience i'll lose my shit

> must not freak out in front of the whole school

> remember what the teacher told me and start to pretend the audience isn't there

> try to turn my brain off and just read whatever my cue cards say

> not even processing the words

> halfway through my speech everything going as well as it could be

> actually not stuttering any more than usual

> I might manage to make it out of this with a few shreds of dignity

> earplugs block out the kids' screams when the auditorium lighting malfunctions

> can't hear that the speakers aren't working either

> build up enough confidence to look up from my cue cards

> damn it's dark as hell in here

> it wasn't dark before

> huh that's weird

> shit I stopped talking and lost my place

> look at my cue cards to find where I left off

> realize I can still see my cue cards

> realize I can still see my hands

> realize the one, singular fucking functioning light in this room is the spotlight on me

> this is worse than whatever I was afraid of

> still can't hear anything

> instant terror pt 2

> spin in circles looking for a way off stage

> can't see anything outside the pillar of light I'm trapped in

> look to where the audience should be

> total-blackness.jpeg

> squint until my eyes adjust enough to see the glowing sign above the fire door

> if you jerkoffs will excuse me I'll be proceeding to have a panic attack at my nearest emergency exit

> walk straight off the stage

> fall like a sack of shit

> roll the shit out of my ankle

> it hurts so fucking bad I start crying like a bitch

> power comes back

> all the lights turn back on

> all the students who were lining up to calmly evacuate the area turn around

> Jesus fucking Christ they're looking at me

> welp I guess I'm freaking out in front of the whole school

> get carried off to nurse's office

> both mom and dad come to pick me up

> cheap ass privacy violation doors mean I overhear them talking to the principal

> "I'm so sorry Mr. and Mrs. Parents, we wanted to help shake criminalizegolf out of his shell a bit. We had no way of knowing this would happen"

> "randomly chosen" my ass I knew this was a fucking conspiracy

> get taken home early

> dad says he won't kick Principal DickFace's ass

> there's always a fucking conspiracy

we need to reclaim this little bitch ass frog. cause I love him. btw. if you even care.

[clare-with-no-i]

Hii Clare ! I wanted to ask you if you ever have trouble finding the exact word / phrase to describes the sentiment you want to express ?

I am trying to get back to fanfic writing after amost a decade and while I am fluent in speaking (im a non native English speaker) I am struggling quite a bit with finding the right words while writing. Is there an online thesaurus that I could refer to? I hope its ok to ask this ! I'm a bit nervous going into writing again but reading so many incredible fics makes me want to give it another shot !

Also, your fics are excellent.....I've laughed and I've cried over them - even in public spaces because I just can't put my phone down once i begin to read your work. And once I'm done reading , I end up daydreaming about them. I have no self control lol . Hope you are well and take care :) x

hi hi hi! thank you so much for this question, and sorry to get back to it so late!

so, I tend to use google a lot (like a peasant I know) and type in things like "___ synonym" even if the word is just something like 'bad' or 'sad' or something of the sort. I also like to go online and look for lists like this that have a bunch of different words to replace the word 'said,' which is a big writing thing.

thesaurus.com is a great resource! and there are different 'word of the day' sites and apps that give you a different word every day and its definition, so you can maybe incorporate it into your works when you want to!

this is such a lovely ask, and thank you for saying such sweet, kind things about my works - I am so honored to be the subject of daydreams and laughter and crying! OMG!

hope this helps!

[serak-sarak-meta-sarahk]

One thing that has been pressing me since the whole cop hate movement thing...

Most Black people I know and my white lineal don't openly protest cops at organized hate centered specific protest lingo type free forming events... we protest with cops things such as violence rather. But usually at those you stand behind a crowd of cops with their backs to you with a speaker present in front of the cops that you watch from behind the cops, i will listen and go to those. And I can see another Indigenous person outside of those settings and in public from my past and just know I want to listen to them positively if they do choose to speak regardless of age and support them business to hobbies wholesome earth type if needed even from afar without going Indigenous pride like type Indigenous about supporting them type Indigenous culturally though little people know that thats how i live silently if i see someone out with Indigenous lineal and hear business or life opportunity they are within now and everyone I know in that realm of silent support is cop supporting silently also seeming if not just fine with them and don't think their system is that bad. The cop system.

That is also what I am concerned about with choosing a party in politics. Because no one is saying cops are bad actually and no one is saying Christians are bad. But people in actual public places that people dont typically stay unless working to/and/or needing their store service only and/or see the opportunity to be at work but not a goody good taking on more official hours or take too much because this side of society does exost are trying to say those two groups are both bad people, does that mean you the person saying it are trying to falsify under the guise of them, those two groups? And does you getting mad that im silent not confirming it back to you double confirm that you are speading these hate movements over again with blanketed statements? I am not trying to accuse these two individual sectors blaming movements but that's also why I don't talk about it or offer opinion within. "Because your anger about the non responsiveness of people in society suggests that it could be a ploy to turn people against people who can help them."

Around political type people it's all about stopping outside of cop type trafficking more so and with military people more so its about no trafficking. It's never those people saying cops are bad.

Then you do kind of want to cry because haven't we reached this consensus before?

Oh goodness my, how asshattery does it seem now? Now that you know that's how people were feeling the movements as they came out into society but privately trying to tell people who would actually report their side about even phrases said at them with the FBI pretrianing to raise a child that was optional but with the options I got I could at least send same day text phrase anxiety starter texts over phrases from the early 2000s camps that i had heard for public type things to tell my dad it was he who was my text by FBI designation to tell him I learned about a combo phrase or something along the lines spoken verbally with any time I did have. Just to say you don't have to respond but I heard it. Then after that I got targeted online for more mental health help and tutoring paths that was then at that specific time already on walks to school

I think I would even start the texts like "I'm going to text you about some creepy weird nostalgia I'm remembering."

As just like a no judgement if you don't remember. People in my family work in the military so that is why i would frame it as nostalgia type texts to just say hi. When trying to text them about the FBI CAMPS with the lingo words. Because my dad was raised by them. While they left to go to battle. Who knows, nostalgia might seem like one bug military camp to him so who knows if he remembers points with it all being one system. So frame it as nostalgia. Luckily the military set up for us one line that they said if my grandpa had a line it would be gran dashing papí for me. So I always feel secure when I remember their numbers travel together like one will remember it as am FBI camp surely at what I'm saying I want them to know I'm thinking or hearing or just about life and not me being accusatory on a white guy seeming in class.

I do appreciate that the military has these programs when I remember. So anything ice frantically texted either, they both get. And both of them are smart ahead of me in experience. So if I don't need to be frantic or they need to send people to my house they will. That's nice as them because they are smart ahead of me and can tell me if someone is feeding me false feelings of fear even just from freaking out starting in text to them.

[the-psychedelic-hobo]

3. Education, isolation, perseverance, fail and try, fail and try, Language deprivation

So if you're wondering by now what "mainstreamed" means. It means you were deaf, most likely was steered away from ASL [American Sign Language], and sent to a regular school instead of a Deaf school. I was forced to talk, given stressful speech therapy, devices that went with my hearing aides that the teacher would wear so I could hear her voice [most guy teachers refused to do this, especially P.E. coaches]. It was bad enough that my inefficient, staticky hearing aides drew me negative attention, now the whole class giggled at the sight of this even more inefficient device with mangled wires wrapped around the teacher.

I learned to adapt. Some ways positive, most ways negative. The negative adaptations I picked up was the "deaf nod". Having said yes to questions many times that werent yes or no questions, having the teacher making me the example of the classroom of the "kid who's not paying attention". Even though I made straight As by reading... yes reading. I didnt have to hear the teacher at all as long as i picked up context clues and read. Public school is that fucked up. Unfortunately this was the reason i was never given the Deaf route. "Oh they have done so well here, why isolate them at a Deaf school?" They would say

Truth was. Being deaf in a hearing school was the real isolation. I became pedantic with words, an overcompensating speaker, I had to because I didnt want to say the wrong things, the wrong way. My language was great on paper, but with conversational language logic, I struggled with confusion every day. It wasnt until high school when teachers started testing on things that werent written on the board or highlighted in the book that would stop a bullet with many parts we were told to ignore.

I think you'll notice that some of the problems I've had in a mainstream school aren't just exclusive to deaf kids btw....

My parents divorced when I was 5 right after my sister died. My older half sister moved out when I was 7 and so from age 8-18 it was just me and my mom. And she worked from 8am to sometimes 11pm depending on the day. At home by myself, I watched tv. Had to do alot of guesswork as to what was happening but dvds thankfully had subtitles. [I'm a proud dirty fucking slut for subtitles]. I mostly played outside in the woods. I loved to read but could have been encouraged to do so more. School kinda got in the way of recreational reading but hey at least I know [jk I forgot] the chemical processes of photosynthesis.

I had very little friends. And as a proud Millennial, mySpace IM was huge in 8th grade so I began to make one of the best friends who I am still best friends with today. For that I'm thankful. We were so different socially. He was hearing and more cooool😎😎😎 about not getting attached, and I? Oh I had 13 years of conversations to catch up on!! I typed like hell lmao. We would just hang out on IM [instant messaging] send youtube videos to each other and talk about music.

AND FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD WE DEAF LOVE MUSIC QUIT ASKING US HOW LOOK UP BEETHOVEN AND VIBRATIONS U THICK SKULLED PEOPLE WHO DONT THINK DEAF PEOPLE CAN ENJOY AND EVEN CREATE MUSIC

Anyways... I have played piano since I was 4, guitar since 12 yo, harmonica since 8 yrs old, mandolin, banjo, and fiddle since 15

And I've always loved singing..

Youd think with all these qualities I'd have no problems making friends. But if you cant communicate well with people it's hard. I tried and failed so many times but I really never fully gave up.

Had teachers play the "what?" Game with me.

Lord do I hate this game. I ask what because I cant hear and students and teachers say what back to mock me.

Or the whispered "losers say what" to which I would say what bc I cant hear and the preppy future serial rapist jocks would roar in laughter.

In my teens to compound onto my severe to profound deafness, I started having major tinnitus problems that last to hmm yes while I'm typing this. Never goes away. Compounded onto that is psychosis, paranoia, mood swings, and depression which leads to my early adulthood mental breakdowns and a diagnosis of both paranoid schizophrenia and bipolar.

To be continued...

MY [not all] experiences as a mainstreamed deaf adult

1. Birth, "condition", minute heritage

Let's start with my birth. Me and my twin sister were born with a type of deafness that deals specifically with the "hairs or fibers" in everyone's ears that pick up vibrations of sounds that then later go further to the ear drums then the brain. [Or so it has been explained to me. I am NOT an audiologist].

Basically those hairs or fibers in me and my twin sister's [Barbara RIP] ears were weak? Short? Genetically unfit to pick up sounds efficiently? Again I am not an audiologist. And it was genetic. My parents were hearing; my paternal grandfather [Granddaddy happy & 90 this year!] is also deaf or hard of hearing. His identity is for him to disclose. But he was also born with a very similar hearing loss [is it a loss if you never had it?] to mine. He is not culturally deaf. He grew up in the hearing world and really never got into the deaf world which is his choice. However, we share values, beliefs, and traditions outside ASL [which he has never learned] that are very similar to Deaf culture. [I do not believe in gatekeeping, take it elsewhere, etc, plz & thx].

To be continued...