#i know i'm physically unable to transition but

[unknownati]

xi. slow morning

a/n: from my draftz if theres typos dont tell me im blind and proud... as a side note i feel like i write intimacy better than anything else AM I TWEAKING.

warnings/tags: gn!reader, no use of y/n, no desc of reader's physical features, fluff and smut, short, handjob (e! recieving—very ekko focused), intimacy (both nonsexual and sexual), cuddling, morning sex, modern!ekko, slight sub!ekko, hoping this position is understandable lol, no morning breath mentions y'all arent in each others face, half-proofread...meaning i gave up halfway thru. goodnight! 🙋🏾‍♀️

_______________________________________________

warm slivers of sunlight seep through cracks in the curtains, spilling on your face as your eyes fluttered open, making a slow ascent into consciousness.

you're met with a phone screen, a pair of hands framing the device. ekko's. a thumb swipes along the screen, transitioning into the next video. two cats cuddling. you watch him hover over the send button, tap it, choose your profile, and type the message 'us :)' before sending it to you. your phone buzzes faintly on the nightstand, though you don't reach for it.

gentle breaths seep into your ears from behind you, relaxed and steady. a shift in movement, warmth enveloping your figure—his arms, which you reach up to stroke. his hold is protective and grounded.

he was long awake before you, you can tell from the way his voice sounds, smooth and airy.

"morning, angel."

it's a stark contrast from when he first wakes up. he sounds more gruff. more miserable. much like how you sound now.

you groan, soft. you stretch to rub the sleep out of your eyes. "g'morning."

you don't feel miserable, though. far from it. waking up in his arms is the only way you've ever liked waking up.

neither of you will be getting up any time soon. not with the way your legs are tangled together, the way he presses a tender kiss against the shell of your ear as a secondary greeting, it's all too...weighted. too comfortable to just brush past. it's the weekend, anyway.

you turn, neck slightly craned, forehead pressing into his clavicle. his scent clings to him, as intoxicating and heavenly as ever. the faint traces of last night's shower linger. you know he used your body wash—he always did. shea butter lied above a layer of his basic lotion (eucerin, you put him on since he has drier skin), completed with that divine cologne he uses. forest-y, notes of pine and bergamot.

your fingertips drag along the bare skin of his side, and he twitches away from your touch. a breathy laugh exits him.

"that tickles."

you stop, moving down to his core. "sorry," you murmur. it's half-sincere.

your digits dance across the surface of his stomach, quite literally. you create legs with your pointer and middle finger, making your little hand-person do twirls and jumps. his laughs bubbles again.

"that tickles worse," his chin meets the crown of your head when he looks down, unable to catch your expression. a hand meets your nape, mimicking your movements.

it's featherlight and playful, as if bugs are scuttling along your skin. you laugh the same as he does, shoulders shrugging up in discomfort.

"okay, okay! i'm sorry."

his hand settles at the bottom of your back, right where your spine curves inward. it's relaxed at first, but then it presses. pulls you closer. as if there's even any more space to close.

your legs wrap around his waist, the leg which you lay on pushing beneath his hip to raise it. it's only uncomfortable for a second, then it's like you're slowly melting into each other's forms. bare chest to bare chest, chins resting on the other's shoulder, hearts swelling at the same speed. you know your leg will fall asleep soon, but you don't care.

yet, he's not paying enough attention to you. not as much as you'd like. sure, his hand is stroking your back. sure, he still seems like he's trying to find ways to pull you closer. but his focus strays. it's all on his phone, undeserving.

his eyes stay glued to the screen, darting around. some video about owls. his hand was beginning to falter, his affection slowing.

greedy. you need more. you know how to get it.

you shift away and your hand meets his side again. he flinches, assuming you're continuing with your ticklish movements. he settles once realizing you won't. then it trails, a slow drag down towards the front of his boxers—a light blue pair with snoopy and woodstock printed in an even pattern. you bought them for him a while back, and he was never one to complain. plus, they were comfy.

only when your fingers breach the elastic band did he notice what you were doing. he doesn't stop you.

he wasn't soft for very long after you reveal his length. feeling it grow stiff in your hands made your heart rate pick up.

"i've barely even touched you yet," you murmur, turning to litter his neck with open-mouthed kisses. he groans in response.

his tip prods at your naval once his dick is standing at full attention. an airy chuckle flows from you into his ears. your fist closes just below the head, thumb reaching to rub along the sensitive underside. each vein, each ridge that you trace over elicits a whine—ones that are close to melodic, satisfying hums to your ears.

your hand moves agonizingly slow, long strokes that leave his mind going fuzzy. it's not long until his tip starts crying, which you happily collect as lubricant. his brows knit together, delicate gasps overlapping the video in the background.

ekko's face nuzzles into the junction connecting your neck and shoulder, plump lips pressing into the end of your collarbone. his moans muffle against your skin.

"hidin'?" you ask, your free hand reaching to run through his locs. he nods, slowly thrusting his hips up into your fist, meeting your movements halfway.

a small noise clicks behind you, and whatever video he was watching stopped. then a thud against the mattress. he dropped his phone. another arm clamps around you, and you know you've got him good.

finally, the attention is on you. his grasp on your body is tight, the sweet desperate nothings he whispers into your ears as he curses and begs you not to stop are angelic.

"fuck...don't stop. please, you make me feel s-so good. god, baby—"

you loosely echo his words back to him, voice sultry and raspy. "yeah?" you purr. "feels good?"

your wrist flicks faster, too quick for his lazy hips to keep up with. he loses rhythm, his pants stutter. he murmurs something, too shyly for you to hear, yet you can only assume he's coming undone. your theory is quickly confirmed, his movements slowing to a stop as he releases all over your hand and tummy, fingertips pressing into your back.

if only you could hear his pretty cries better. against your skin, they're low and subdued, but you can hear the incantations of your name paired with his voice breaking off at the peak of his climax.

neither of you realized how tense his body had become until he relaxes against you, hand still weakly skimming along your lower back.

still, your bodies were heavy. neither of you wanted to move. but the cum dripping off you was starting to feel weird, and you want it off.

you barely even get to think about moving before his arms squeeze tighter around you. "ekko, i wanna go wipe this off."

"not yet," he whispers shakily. "just...a few more minutes. can't be done with you yet."

you've definitely won his attention. for a few hours.

[multidimensionalguidance]

The Astrology Behind: The 27 Club

We already know the dreadful and looming stories behind this phenomenon that occurs the most within the music and entertainment industry. A great number of deaths and tragic events that seemed to follow gifted individuals as a fated promise.

Although we know that a great majority passed away due to drugs and unhealthy lifestyle choices, there's also some that had unexpected accidents. Now, for those who study astrology and understand that every age activates certain houses/themes this will seem like a very clear pattern.

In terms of house profections, during the age of 27 our 4th house lights up like a lightbulb ready to come through with the lessons and experiences that match the natal planets, lord, sign, ruling nakshatra, and transit planets as well.

When we think of scary and dark periods we tend to associate them with the profections years that match the 8th and 12th house ( 19, 23, 31, 35, and so on) under the assumption that the 4th house is just a cozy corner, yet the overwhelming number of individuals who lose their life around the ages that fall into this house is rather shocking.

The 4th house rules our home, heritage, mother, ancestry, childhood, parents, sense of security, inner life, emotions, happiness, nourishment, etc. These are the topics that come to life during those years, and often times, the ones that leave the strongest mark in our lives.

For most individuals reaching the ages of 15 or 27 arrives with harsh realizations and lessons associated to the lack of emotional and physical security that we might have or feel within ourselves or at home. At 15 we freshly enter the teenage experience of feeling like an outsider at home, as if we don't fit or belong with our family anymore, and as if the innocence of childhood feels long gone. This is where we turn to being a "rebel" and start seeking nourishment outside of what we've been taught within the confinements of home.

By the time we circle back into this house at 27, getting closer to the taste of 30 which is ruled by the 7th house (long term relationships, commitment, others, etc), we start to re-live yet again what "home" and "nourishment" truly feels like for us as adults who are more experienced at life than a 15 year old.

We realize that the perceived freedom of our early 20's was an illusion, and that what has shaped us into who we are by that point was everything we experienced within the privacy of our inner or private world. All the traumas created at home or by our parents. All the overwhelming expectations of what a family of our own might feel like, what long term commitment means to us, and how close or far we are from breaking generational wounds.

All of this can feel maddening and make us isolate from the world into our shells, as if turning into the crustaceans that represent the sign of Cancer. Since the turmoil is associated with our deepest parts, being unable to find a peaceful resolution within our stormy oceans can lead us to drowning within our waters. It makes us forget that right after the storm is when the sun comes out to bring joy, happiness, fun, pleasure, and good fortune (5th house profection). It's a turning point for all of us within our journey.

It comes with no surprise for a lot of celebrities whose private lives and inner world are exposed for everyone to see to be driven towards unhealthy coping mechanisms. A path to self destruction. Now, not all cases are alike and in some scenarios its accidents in their homeland or related to water.

At any case, they are difficult situations which threaten our inner safety and sense of security. It shakes our emotional foundations and forces us to build from scratch a real sense of "I'm safe in my body, mind, and the environment that I cohabit with others". It's all about learning how to regulate ourselves and not allowing our traumas to keep us from the good things life has to offer.

I'll use Amy Winehouse as an example:

Her 4th house was ruled by Leo with her Sun and Mercury in Uttara Phalguni sitting there. She had to relive and experience themes related to her fame, father, talent, children, creative, romance, self expression, and how it all tied to the way she handled her 4th house themes.

Uttara Phalguni in particular usually stands out or feels deeply interested in music, dancing and yoga. Aryaman, the deity of Uttara Phalguni nakshatra, is the god of patronage, union and is considered as the chief amongst the ancestors. They are deeply affected and involved in relationships.

One of the symbols that rules this nakshatra is the back legs of the bed or a platform. I'll focus on the latter simply because most of the time its only people who wield some sort of power or gift who get to stand on a platform of any kind. Additionally, they also tend to deal a lot with the karma of the father, and not always on the positive end of it.

She had battled with addictions to alcohol and other substances her entire life, but it only got progressively worse after she met the man who would eventually become her future husband. It was said that shortly after meeting him her personality changed and she started to indulge in other vices, such as cocaine and crack (which he knowingly admitted to introducing to her).

On top of it, her own father who had a heavy influence on her (as it usually is for 99% of Leo's) wasn't supportive towards her health when she needed it the most. It was the behavior of her parents and their tumultuous marriage that shaped the way she perceived home, safety, and nourishment. This is even more noticeable with the ruler of her 4th house falling sitting in its own house.

It was the lack of support from home and damaging patterns that made her repeat the same generational curses which inevitably lead her to drowning in her own inner world. She clearly used substances as a coping mechanism (like most do). A way to escape reality and attempt to find safety, even if it only led to more pain and disregulation.

By the end, her difficulties on dealing with these themes became even more noticeable after she divorced her husband and went on a downward spiral that didn't even allow her to perform.

Her story, specifically around the last moments, shows us how impactful and difficult 4th house profections can truly be. Alike to other artist or famous individuals, by the end of their lives (27) a lot of those themes appear over and over again until they can no longer bare with them or find a peaceful and healthy resolution.

So, if you're currently going through or about to enter this house profection, just remember to take it slow and practice as much emotional regulation as possible. Go near water bodies to relax. Seek help from individuals who can heal your mind, body, and spirit, be it professionally or not. And finally, remember that you are not your childhood traumas or wounds.

Thanks for reading <3

Check out my services and testimonials for personal readings (plus more).

Xox

Mary from multidimensionalguidance

[lansplaining]

Just saw a take that said "jiang cheng was a shit boss and didn't deserve wei wuxian so he's not justified in being mad that wwx left him" and I thought of you because I know you just adore people with absolutely no sense of nuance (sarcastic) ❤️

Dear Alison,

My boss (who is also unofficially my brother-- I know how you feel about family businesses, but it's pretty inescapable in my part of the world) is starting to lose his patience with me. I can't really blame him... I've been drinking on the job, skipping work out to hang out with ghost women I summon using my magic flute, and refusing to answer him when he tries to have a conversation about why I've been acting so unlike myself. Because you see, I used to be a really high performer. Before he took over from his dad (long story), I promised him that I'd be there to support him once he was in charge, and I have very much not been living up to that promise.

What he doesn't know is that I literally can't. I had... let's call it an accident a few months ago, and I'm physically unable to perform my duties. But the problem is, people thinking I'm this talented hotshot is a huge part of what is allowing the family business to succeed right now after the aforementioned long story transition of power. So I can't tell my brother I can't do my job, because then everyone will know, and he'll face the consequences much more than I will.

Anyway, sorry for all the backstory. My real question is, is it better to quit and risk permanently burning a bridge with my boss/brother, or try and hang on and force him to fire me?

[ipso-faculty]

Compiling some terms/posts useful for people questioning if intersex

Note: If a definition in is in quotes, the source material it is quoted from is linked to by the relevant term.

Highly relevant terms

Extersex - "[A] term for those who do not know whether they are dyadic or intersex. It could be because one feels as though they might be some form of intersex, but are unable to medically confirm it, or cannot confirm what intersex variation it is. It may also be for those who have a variation that may be considered intersex, but are uncertain if they want to identify as intersex." - @themogaidragon

Inter-Questioning - "a term for anyone who is questioning if they’re intersex, for any reason. (Whether it’s due to one’s physical body, familial experiences that imply one is, or possibly simply a mental feeling that one is intersex.)" - @eldorr

Quoisex - "[An] umbrella term for anyone who doesn't quite understand their sex or doesn't want to define their sex." - LGBTQIA+ Wiki Note: I understand this as more general than extersex, and would include people questioning if altersex. See the wiki entry for subtypes (quoigonadal, quoichest, etc)

Altersex - "An umbrella term to describe having or wanting primary or secondary sex traits/characteristics that do not align with the binary sex model that a significant portion of society has adopted. It is primarily used by those who are not intersex and are trans+ and wish to or transition specifically to have a body that does not fit the aforementioned sex model." -@intersex-questions Note: Being altersex does not make somebody intersex. I include it because many people questioning their intersex status realize this is what they're looking for.

Anisohormonal - "Aniso (unequal/uneven) + hormonal (relating to hormones). An individual who has an imbalance of hormones for any number of reasons. Such individuals may or may not also be intersex." - @sproutflags Note: includes non-intersex variations such as diabetes.

Subtypes of intersex people

Note: In my experience most people questioning if they're intersex have a hormonal intersex variation like PCOS, so I'm skewing towards this accordingly.

Dysgonadal - "[having] dysfunctional gonads. This includes agonadal (no gonads) and hypogonadal. Also known as gonadal agenesis/dysgenesis, dyssex and nullogonadal/asexed (null sex or avaginal/aphallia)." - @arco-pluris Note: contrasted with eugonadal - "people with functional gonads (reproductive cells). Includes hypergonadal (hyperfunctional gonads)"

Interhormonal - "Someone who is intersex and anisohormonal and/or feels that being intersex has impacted their identity as anisohormonal in some way and/or that their identity as anisohormonal has impacted their identity as intersex in some way." - @sproutflags

Intermeer - "a term used to describe all intersex variations that are caused by an overproduction of horomones (testosterone, estrogen, or both.)" - LGBTQIA+ Wiki Variations include: AES, FMPP, PCOS. Part of The Autre System for categorizing intersex variations.

Intermindre - "a term used to describe all intersex variations that are caused by a lack of horomones (testosterone, estrogen, or both.)" Note: The wiki lists AIS and EIS as examples although they are not due to a lack of hormones, but rather a lack of sensitivity to them. Part of The Autre System for categorizing intersex variations. See the wiki for more subtypes. Thank you to anon asker who pointed out the AIS/EIS issue.

Mesosex - "[A] person who has an intersex variation, but one which does not conform to perisex (non-intersex) ideas of what intersex is. For example, people who have intersex traits that are considered "mild", or who have variations such as PCOS Hyperandrogenism and Poland Syndrome." - @ipso-faculty

More intersex terminology

Intersex Terminology Masterpost by @intersexfairy

Edits: - 2023-12-13: corrected AIS mischaracterized as lack of hormones, ty to anon for correction - 2023-12-13: added interdynamic - 2023-12-20: added inter-questioning, thank you @fazbears-horror-attraction for sharing it! - 2023-12-21: removed interdynamic. Apparently "secondary sex" means something entirely different in omegaverse. Ty to anon for correction.

[avonne-writes]

hi! In a post about the relationship troubles fake and John have when they first start college you mentioned their sex life kinda falls off, that they don’t have sex as often, or that it feels off when they do. I would love to hear more about that,and how it effects them, Especially because they don’t talk about it so their minds just run

Thank you for the question! 💕 I'm not sure where to start so I'll just put this in bullet points 😄 I hope this makes sense, I’m sure I missed some explanations but I tried to summarize it.

Before college, their sex life was obviously limited because they didn’t have that much privacy and Gale refused to take Bucky to his place. So it was a mix of very careful and quiet non-penetrative sex if they weren't alone in the house and excited experimentation whenever they had time alone, usually during school holidays.

Basically, they had some habits together but in their new circumstances, these habits change. That means another transition period, on top of everything else. This is not a bad thing at all, but there are so many changes they need to navigate that the stress accumulates.

An example: whereas previously, they always tried to be super quiet, they can be as loud as they want now because they rent a small one-bedroom flat together. Except, Gale finds himself unable to stop holding back. He’s anxious about making possibly embarrassing sounds, especially because he realizes that Bucky has stopped holding back and yet he still isn’t very loud.

Then, of course, all their other issues have a negative effect on their sex life.

Getting used to college can be exhausting, so it's also natural that in the first semester, they don’t want to have sex as often as in the next one.

In this AU, they're not the kind of couple who get hot for each other if they're fighting. Gale can hold a grudge for a long time, but even if he doesn’t, after a fight, he usually feels drained and sad, which rarely leads to any kind of opportunity for sex.

Plus, Gale is anxious that he’s not enough for Bucky because "Bucky could have anyone and why would he settle for his first, he probably thinks that's boring." This idea makes Gale tense, hence the sex feeling off.

Meanwhile, Bucky notices Gale's tension and distraction, but he thinks it's because Gale is falling out of love with him. We know that Bucky always dreaded this moment, the - in his mind - inevitable drifting apart once high school is over. This makes Bucky anxious too, which makes him clingy, and that's enough to make the sex feel off from his side too.

So there's a whole lot of external stress and a self-feeding cycle of undiscussed uncertainties. They all exacerbate each other.

In addition, their new friends don’t help either, because they all think this relationship won't survive anyway and both Bucky and Gale would benefit from a new partner.

Thankfully, we know that this isn’t what happens.

Yes, it’s a rough patch, yes, it’s stressful, but as soon as they finally align again and all their discordant pieces slot back into harmony, sex gets better again. And this is an instant thing actually. Instant, because their sex life was affected mostly by their disharmony and not other things that are slower to heal.

They have a huge fight in which everything comes out, and it's just what they needed because they finally acknowledge all their issues but also share the fact that they both still want the other. That’s all it takes to turn the negative spiral into the first steps of revovery.

They make up and reach a hopeful, positive and relieved state that night, and they have makeup sex.

It’s the first time that they both feel that it's not teenage experimentation anymore. It’s more serious and mature, and when they say I love you, it feels deeper than ever before.

From then on, they get the same relieved-happy-loved feeling from physical intimacy and, well, let’s just say they make up for all the sex they missed in their first semester.

It keeps getting better in the next months, and it's during this period in their lives that they develop that deep and steady intimacy that makes them act like a married couple long before they even tie the knot.

♡♡♡

[justafanofsillylilthings]

Wild Life Spoilers!!

Let's talk about planets and potentials that I've discovered. That being said I'm taking information from Google and would love to hear any other ideas or if you know something more.

Arguments for Rahu:

Rahu creates obsession within the person's mind;

Rahu is considered a sinful planet;

Rahu is called the planet of harsh speech, evil deeds:

- Joel often loses his patience quickly, and is prone to insanity more often in life series. Even if you could argue he's been more stable in Wild Life.

Rahu has friendly relations with the Gemini sign:

- A stretch, but based on Gem being his family. 

It is not a physical celestial body as it is a shadow planet:

- Again, a bit of a stretch, shadow planet because he said again and again about how he would be unable to kill his wife if it came down to it in Wild Life (ldSHADOWlady). 

Planets like Sun, Moon and Mars are the enemies of Rahu:

- Moon(Pearl) went up against him and his team, and Joel killed Sun(Grian) in the finale. I don't really know about Mars(Martyn), but I don't think they were all that friendly, especially since his teammate(Ren) killed Gem once.

When Rahu transits through Cancer, it can impact emotional stability and family life:

- As far as I know, Joel is Cancer signed. And there's been a whole family thing, with Gem keeping him emotionally stable a lot of the time.

Some arguments for Uranus:

Uranus, the planet of sudden and unexpected changes:

- Wild Life. Last episode of suddenly changing Wild Cards. (Can also say unexpected change being Jimmy living until the finale) 

Uranus symbolizes Chaos. Uranus' job is to break rules and demolish established patterns or structures, creating sudden-even radical-change:

- Again, Joel does often break into chaos and radicality in the life series.

Uranus was the primordial god of the sky and the starry heavens:

- Not Life Series, but referencing his Empires s2 character.

[picory]

i'm glad i've long rejected this idea that in order to be a "proper" trans man i had to give up my "feminine" traits, which is what the 2014-2016 online trans community led me to believe (maybe i'd been around the wrong crowd, though). for 22 years of my life i've walked this earth as a woman. that's not something that i can throw away, nor do i want to. maybe i'm not the girly girl my mom wanted me to be, but i'm still very much percieved as a woman. and that's fine. obviously one day i want to transition into a man both physically and socially because i know that's what would make me happiest with myself, but it doesn't mean i have to cosplay a cis man. i suppose i might adopt some male traits if i hang out with men more... but it wouldn't completely erase who i was before

despite that i understand that passing is mostly a survival tactic, and if i expected to be treated as a man without fitting the stereotypical image of one i might run into some problems. and just in general not fitting in is infamously an unpleasant thing. for now i don't have to worry about that as i'm unable to come out anyway, or i'll get disowned and hate-crimed 👍 so i can live in fantasy land where i'm my most authentic self and everybody loves me as i am ❤️ yay

[syrena-del-mar]

Threads of Boston's Intimacy: Crochet, Cotton, and Connections

So I've been tracking and locating most of the outfits that each character has been wearing since episode 1, mostly because I like the choices that wardrobing department made (and wanted to know the brand of the pieces) and also because some of the shirts worn were so incredibly on the nose (looking at you Drake).

I've seen so many talk about Mew's own fashion transformation and how much it says about his style transforming from his own to Ray's. But Boston has a bit of his own transformation in his style since he lost Nick and the rest of his friends.

This week, we finally see Boston back in his crochet shirt when he pays a visit to Nick's electronic store. And it got me thinking as to why Boston style went through such a switch up at the exact time that he lost his friends, Nick, and he was no longer actively "hunting" around for someone else to sleep with.

Crochet Tops Pre-Audio Leakage

Fashion and the wardrobe that characters wear typically tell a story. We've seen that the Only Friends team has deliberately chosen specific tops to accompany the actual visual and verbal story-telling that occurs. Drake's infamous nude-painting collage button up, which I'm still unable to locate, immediately comes to mind. Boston's fashion is not an exception to this, and I'm leaning on to the side that not only the visual prints on the clothes he wears is important but also the textile of the garments are communicating his emotional landscape. For the first arc, while Boston did wear some ripped cotton shirts, they were sparse and far between as he mostly wore some variation of a crocheted or knit top. (Please keep in mind, that going forward, when I refer to crochet tops I also include his knit shirts but opted to not to state it in favor of being succinct and avoid repetitiveness.)

Crochet tops are known for their intricate and openwork patterns, because of those open patchworks, most crochet tops are, at some degree, see-through. I can't help but think that it symbolizes Boston's willingness to be transparent, he's very much up-front with what he wants physically and takes on an attitude of 'what you see is what you get.'

The very nature of crochet is delicate, it's one of the few methods that is unable to be recreated by machinery due to the intricacy and complexity, which the same could be said about the complexities it takes to manage the multiple sexual encounters that Boston has. There's an ease and comfort that Boston finds in his one-night stand, because he's used to it, he's able to navigate the complications, whether that's people catching feelings. Even with all his non-committal connections, he's transparent and authentic to himself, he navigates the intricate landscape of all his entanglements how he saw fit.

The crochet tops encapsulate Boston's ability to weave the threads of his emotional connections with transparency and authenticity, even if they are fleeting moments since he has no expectation of remaining in Thailand. The crochet tops he wore were a poignant symbol of his approach to his relationships.

Solid Cotton Tops Post-Audio Leakage

The last time we saw Boston in his colorful crochet tops, prior to episode 10, was during his confrontation with Mew at the pool in episode 7. Now Boston's full transition to mainly wearing solid cotton tops following cutting Nick out of his life and concurrently being cut out of Mew's, Cheum's, and Ray's life is another substantive symbol that his clothing is an emotional response to his emotional state. Solid cotton tops are known for their practicality and sturdiness, which a stark contrast to the intricate and delicate features of any crocheted garment.

Boston's choice of solid cotton tops, we witness a visual and symbolic withdrawal into a more guarded emotional state. Boston is very much detracts himself from the lives of his friends as they had wished, only appearing when he has to. His tops and leather jacket, act as an armor, protecting Boston from the sudden emotional turmoil that he was subject to with the use of his sex tape and audio as revenge by his friends. It's as if Boston uses these shirts to construct a barrier between himself and the outcomes of his actions, a means to cope with the distress and instability that had suddenly appeared in his life. Intimacy wise, Nick had been the only consistent person he had and he had trusted him. Meanwhile Mew used his sex-tape as a threat to out him to his father, Boston took hit after hit. The solidity of the cotton fabric is a reflection of his resilience in dealing with those emotional challenges, he creates an emotional boundaries explicitly when it came to Nick.

The solid cotton shirts, in this context, show us Boston's need for a protective layer against the turbulent emotional waters that the revenge inevitably brings, it's his only sense of stability in an arguably tumultuous period. He had no plans on creating connections in Thailand because he knew his time was fleeting, his sexual prowess was more self-sabotage, even IF it brought him momentary bliss and happiness. But he had made those connections, with Mew, Cheum, Ray, and even Nick. It's why he withdrew, it's why he finds himself realizing that he has destroyed every good thing in his life.

Return to Crochet Tops and His Return to Nick

Boston is going through a journey of self-realization and self-actualization. He's more than his body and his body count, he wants more than that. I swear, his decision to return to his crochet tops when he sought out Nick was purposeful. The crochet-top, characterized by intricate and openwork patterns, is seemingly back to take center stage in his wardrobe, now signifying a complex shift in his emotional landscape.

There are hundreds of phone repair shops that he could have gone to. There are millions of other pictures that he could have used for his lock screen. He still chose Nick. He's still transparent. Boston has always been self-assured in who he wants and who he is, and even though to some degree he reaped what he sowed, he was also a victim. He was hurt by Nick, but he still wants the one man that sees him more than good lay. Nick saw him for who he was and still loved him for it, he wouldn't necessarily change him for it. Nick saw him for his talent, for his interest in photography, as an actual three-dimensional person in all his hypocrisy and sharp words. Nick verbally acknowledging this and choosing to let him go unknowingly moved Boston.

It was a significant step in Boston's journey of personal growth and self-awareness. He's realizing that he self-sabotages and purposefully hurts the people he cares about. He chooses to reintegrate himself into Nick's life, with all the complexity and vulnerability that comes out of their past relationship. He might not have said it directly, but the moment he handed his phone to Nick with the lock screen showing his favorite picture of Nick, he was being crystal clear.

When Nick seeks him out on the rooftop, Boston is back in his cotton shirt, because that's when he fully realizes that he created his own consequences. He finally realizes how much it hurts to lose his friend group, even though he though he had kept people at arm's length since he was always going to end up in New York. When Nick finds him, he's completely in thought on the verge of realization that he's self-destructive (not to dissimilar to Ray). So he has the protection back on, because dissecting yourself and your problems are painful and exhausting. He realizes that his actions resulted in his friends of three years either thinking he's low enough to blackmail and SA someone or smug that he's being accused of such. That's his breaking point and he needed that protection. It'll be interesting if we see more of his crochet tops from now on.

Final Thoughts

Since episode 1, Boston has always fascinated me. Now this isn't a 'in defense of' or 'look at my poor meow-meow' post either, but we as viewers have an omniscient-type of view of everything that has been happening and until today's episode, I wasn't really sure what pushed Boston to be so volatile. For the first time, we saw Boston be truly and completely vulnerable with Nick. He's finally the one that looked for Nick, who reached out to him, and he did it while being in his crochet top, just like when they first hooked up.

I'm not fully part of the camp that thinks that Boston likes sleeping around, and this isn't because of some personal moral scorn for "sexual promiscuity" and preference for "sexual purity", but more because it seemed like Boston was doing it more for the company while avoiding any really human connections that would make him miss Thailand if he were sent to New York. It became comfortable, it became easy, so while I do think he got momentary gratification, I don't think it truly made him happy. We have two episodes left and I'm truly excited to see where Boston's story and wardrobe leads us next.

[joels-darlin]

Monday Morning - The Situation

Pairings: Javier Peña x f!reader

Warnings: 18+ only. kidnapping/hostage situation, violence, angst, hurt, allusions to rape, mentions of weapons, restraints/being tied up, mentions of blood and injuries. (I think that's all sorry if I missed any)

Summary: A standard Monday morning commute to the DEA office takes a harrowing turn of events.

Word count: 1592

Author Note: What's this?! I'm writing for Peña AND its more than 800 words - absolute madness. This is not my normal go to for fics but I wanted to push the boat out and give something new a try. Not a lot of Javi in this one but there will be a part two which I'm currently writing so all shall be revealed. Any feedback is appreciated, thanks all ♥️ Special Note: Just a huge thanks to @ladybess-a03 for pushing me to do this. I've had the idea for ages and without your support it would of just got left in the pile forever - thankyou ♥️

AO3 Link

Darkness. That was all you could see right now; complete darkness. The blindfold on your face clung to your skin, the mixture of blood, sweat and tears. This was not how you had expected Monday morning to go.

Since accepting the accepting a job with the DEA and moving to Columbia permanently (Bogotá to be precise) you had spent the past 10 months integrating into the team alongside fellow Agents Javier Peña and Steve Murphy - getting up to speed with the case and assisting hunting down drug lord Pablo Escobar. It was a seamless transition both agents welcoming you with open arms. What helped was the friendship the three of you had struck up outside of work, often out drinking in local bars or over at Steve’s for some home made food from Connie. It was nights like those that made the long stressful days much easier.

So you thought nothing of it when you where approached by, what you assumed, was a couple of nuisance sellers on the streets in the middle of grabbing your morning coffee from the cart. It was something that happened on occasion, young men, women or children trying to make a living.

What took you by surprise was when one of them pulled out a gun, the barrel aimed to your head. The taller of the two stepped back throwing a heavy punch square to your jaw rending you completely useless. In one swift motion, before you could even recover or defend yourself the feeling of cool metal around your wrists - handcuffs. The all too familiar clicking of the lock. Then came the darkness, a blindfold shoved around your head.

All your instincts told you something was wrong and turns out you where right to assume so. Next thing you where being bundled into the boot of a vehicle which proceeded to tear through the streets of Bogotá. Trying to remember the various twists and turns the vehicle had taken so you could figure out at least what area you where in, no use everything was just a blur. The anxiety in your chest and the dull ache in your head contributing to the oncoming brain fog, making you unable to remember any small detail.

The car eventually came to a halt the boot lid being ripped open exposing you to the humid Bogotá air. Yelping as one of your now kidnappers roughly grabbed your upper arm dragging you out of the boot setting you on your feet with a thump.

“Camina perra!” He sneered in a rough voice, lips so close to your ear you could feel the saliva drops coming from his mouth, knowing enough Spanish to understand what that meant.

“No no let me go please” screaming, pleading from the top of your lungs; thrashing and resisting as hard as you physically could. It was no use though they where too strong. You had never given any thought to how you would react in a situation like this. No number of years training could help right now either, these where the men of the biggest drug lord in Columbia and would stop at nothing if they got they information needed. But right now you where frightened which was evident in the way your chest ached and body shaking with anxiety. Showing a vulnerable state compared to hardened persona of the DEA agent showcased by day. There was one thing you where sure of though they weren’t getting any information from you, no matter how hard and long the torture was. At the back of your mind you knew from previous informants and victims of the Pablo’s men how this often went, a cold chill jolting down your spine at the mere thought.

“What do you want from me!!” you screamed the moment the boot lid popped open, voice raw, croaky from the sheer amount of tears shed. Not a word from either of them just grabbing you by the arms again in a vice grip, dragged from the car with force. The lack of energy in your body was making it hard to fight. You battled with what you had left but they continued and as a warning landed a few punches/kicks across various parts of your body; knowing there would be a rainbow of bruises the next day. If you even made it that far.

It was no surprise when you where thrown onto the cold metal of a chair in what you assumed was a derelict room, not hard to miss by the stench of damp and death in the air or the sounds that echoed around across the walls; dripping water, footsteps. The stagnant air filled your burning lungs with every breath bringing with it a sickening twisting feeling to your lower stomach.

The handcuffs that adorned your wrists earlier removed only briefly so they could secure you down to the chair. Glad that you had chosen to wear jeans today as the rolls of duck tape where tightly wrapped securing your ankles to the chair legs. The sounds of the footsteps where moving away shortly after, they where leaving?! Now all alone with just your thoughts.

It was hard to tell how much time had passed since you where still virtually blind. Only when the sounds of the squeak from the door hinge opening, then came the footsteps. Signalling to you that someone…no two people had entered the room. Off came the blindfold the sharp pain in your scalp as few strands of hair where ripped from their follicles - a painful reminder of the once harrowing darkness. Squinting your eyes surveyed the room, adjusting to the limited light from the yellowing lamp that hung in the centre of the room. Eyes landing on the two figures stood in front of you. They where broad, one bald and one not. Dressed in the finest cotton shirts and jeans money could buy. Fancy loafers adorning their feet - definitely part of Escobar’s crew you could just tell. The faces though you where unable to be recognise, never ones to have cropped up frequently during surveillance before.

“Now now you are going to co-operate otherwise this. gets. ugly.” The taller of the two spat as he moved walking slowly to circle your frame tied to the chair once. Like he was getting a good view of his prey and you swear you caught him licking his lips at one point. You swallowed loudly, throat thickening. He approached slowly eye on yours as he leant down, leaning closer lips next to the shell of your ear whispering.

“So what’s a pretty little girl like you doing running around with the DEA huh. We know who you are and well…lets just say you are going to do us a little favour - that clear bitch?”

The hot breath on blowing over your skin making you shiver violently. “Keep your mouth shut don’t say ANYTHING” crossing your mind repeatedly. He moved backwards kneeling slightly, now at level with your eyes.

“Did you not hear me? ANSWER THE QUESTION” he bellowed standing up to normal position again voice echoing around the room. His hands curled into fists at his sides, rage evident. You sat completely still not moving a muscle or uttering a word. Then came the punches, one to your stomach, head, face - anywhere he could reach really. You where bleeding now the punches so hard it had split the skin in various places, feeling the trails of blood running down your skin. There was a metallic taste flooding your mouth, the busted lip from the blows that occurred moments ago.

“ANSWER. ME. NOW.” the fury in his eyes was present as you shook your head refusing to answer. Scared to open your mouth know no voice would even come out if you wanted too.

“Playing the long game huh? okay I see how it is then” he sneered, chuckling ever so slightly. Walking back over to the other man he starts barking orders.

”Remove her from that chair and take her next door…I want her on the bed ready for me in 5 minutes…two can play the long game” and then left.

It took a few moments to register what he meant by that and when you did you clenched your thighs together, hoping and praying he wasn't going to follow through with his words. You broke down begging, pleading as the bald man loosened the ankle restraints before roughly hoisting your frame over his shoulder, carrying you into the dark room and dropping you on the mattress. The sound of the door slamming as he left.

He was already there. Waiting in the corner a harrowing smile spread across his face. Watching as he approached the bed, fingers working to undo the belt buckle at his waist. Squeezing your eyes shut tightly, a fresh set of tears spilling from them. The feeling of the mattress shifting next to you caused a wave of anxiety to crash over your body. You lay there hoping that this was going to be over quickly.

It was over. For now. Broken, bruised and beaten you remained in a fetal position on the dishevelled mattress sobbing; wrists and ankles still bound together. All clothing stripped from your lower half, a dull ache between your thighs as a painful reminder of what you had endured not so long ago.

There was one shred of hope that you clung to - hoping that Javi and Steve would find you soon.

[naupactus]

actually if i may say i am reflecting now about how hirasawa's friendships with transgender women still deeply influence his work even though he's now more open about . ahem other positions of social dissent he holds. but even those are because i mean

being transgender in an unaccepting society requires you to change your entire experience of life, to destroy all the things you learned and believed and get used to this completely new reality that hurts from the inside and from the outside, because you know the suffering of letting go of the comfortable old reality is worth living truly as yourself and seeing others truly for who they are instead of falling to the stereotyping you've been taught. and defiance of authority and pursuit of a truer life and worldview is something anyone can do but i think what he tries to show again and again in his stories, whether they're the ones where he includes trans women or the ones where he doesn't, that it's possible to not just change a few opinions or a few habits, but to turn your entire idea of life upside down, no matter how much it makes you suffer, and be rewarded in the end because you'll be living the life you want.

and in his characters what i'm focusing on here is the fact that they can't hide the change they go through. they can't go back, and they can't just pretend nothing happened, as you could in front of conservative relatives about political opinions, to save face for a moment. the transition they go through is physical, avatar literally being unable to interact with his old world anymore and getting his wings, byakkoya going through the same .... WIWAT LITERALLY CHANGING HIS FUCKING NAME AND HIS OLD SELF EXPLODES WHEN HE DOES IT OH MH GODDD sorry.

what i mean to say in general is i don't think the main theme in ilses is ever really whatever the old man is thinking about. it's always about a full, committed transition into a truer self.and it may not always be explicitly About being transgender but it's undeniable how strong of a core ideal transgenderism represents in his stories and his worldview, even now decades away from the last time his thai friends have been among his guest actresses

[radiowallet]

Meant to Be - Epilogue

The Endearment

Pairing: Oberyn Martell x Fem!OC (nameless, third person), Oberyn Martell x Ellaria Sand, Ellaria Sand x Fem!OC (nameless, third person) Summary: Time marches on. WC: 1.5K Warnings: 18+ MDNI Canon-typical violence, grief, death, political intrigue, arranged marriage, soulmate shenanigans, drinking, the barest hints of pregnancy, female on female dynamics, oral sex (female receiving). Oberyn Martell comes with his own warning.

A/N: This is it! The last chapter! I'm surprisingly emotional for this one to end and I really can't explain it. Please look to the end for more notes. As always, a few things to keep in mind: This is an alternate universe that takes place after the main events of the show. Bran is still king of Westeros. Sansa is still queen of the north. Oberyn lives. Doran never had any children. Our Fem!OC is from Winterfell, but she is not a Stark and is a blank canvas physically.

To be alerted of new writing, please follow @radiowallet-writes and turn on notifications.

~~Please see dedications at the end~~

Masterlist II Series Masterlist

Part 5 <<<

Endearing and sweet

Mine and yours

I hold your kiss on my lips

And my heart in your hands

Time is not always enough to heal. Some wounds are too deep, muscle and bone and blood unable to grow again over the gaping pain of loss. A sister and brother taken too soon are always a lingering scab across Oberyn Martell’s heart, and on the worst of days those wounds break open, and the treacherous concept of time starts all over. 

But it does lend itself well to building something new. Sometimes something unexpected. 

Oberyn leans back in his chair, head tilting to rest along the high back, crossing his legs and casting an eye out of the wide window framing the great hall, noting the position of the sun. Morning is nearly over, and despite his requests from the meeting the day prior, this council meeting is decidedly not. He sighs, loudly, before reaching for his cup, chasing his annoyance with a heavy slurp of wine. 

“And with this year’s tax revenu—“

“I do believe,” he nearly shouts, trying and failing not to slam his cup down, “we went over these numbers just yesterday, is this not correct, Lord Daemon?”

The other man tries and fails to hide his fear, looking up from the scroll spread open in front of him and immediately shrinking back in his chair. “I think there may have been some o-overlap in our agendas, my lord.”

“This entire meeting has been nothing but overlap,” Oberyn continues, his demeanor shifting from bored to deadly in the blink of an eye.

“It felt prudent. His lordship will be gone for some time and we wanted to be prepared.”

Oberyn stands then, the legs of his chair scraping loudly across the floor, and he delights in the wave of discomfort that filters through his council. 

“Let us consider you all prepared. My wife is waiting for me.” 

He pays no mind to the raise of voices, the members of his council clearly convinced no good could come from his absence. Oberyn was nonplussed, ignoring their outcry as he made his way back to his quarters. She truly was waiting for him, and he was eager to be back at her side. 

The visit north he had promised had been put on hold after Doran’s passing, the task of assuming his duties as Lord of Sunspear much more insistent upon his time than he cared for. She had handled the news with the same grace and duty he had come to know and love, standing at his side through it all. He could see now why Sansa Stark valued her friendship along with her support, and it was just another way he counted himself grateful that all manners of fate and choice brought them together. 

Things were settled now, the transition from one brother to the next complete. The strength of Dorne held true, unbroken and unbent, the sandy shores living on in peace. Oberyn felt more secure in the standing of his homeland, and though he did not relish the drop in temperature, he was pleased that he was finally making good on this one promise. 

Trunks were packed and loaded into the carriage, all manner of cloaks and fur lined fabrics stored safely away for the trip. Oberyn’s wardrobe had been distinctly lacking in that regard, but she was quick to a solution, the palace dressmakers tasked with her very specific requests.  

He had snapped his teeth at the idea of it — heavy fabric and brass buttons, his coat cinched tight around his waist and up the column of his throat. But she somehow found a way to turn his eye, standing behind him as the finishing touches were made on a rich red cloak. He cut an imposing figure, the shade almost violent, the symbol of Sunspear stitched into the fabric. 

He could feel her smile burning with pride as she brushed her hands along the wide expanse of his shoulders, her artistic fingers sending shivers down his spine. 

“The color is a bit unorthodox for northern customs,” he had teased, even as he preened before the mirror, back straightening and chest puffing out. She took his tone in stride, lips pressing hot and wet just behind his ear, her hungry eyes glued to his in the looking glass. 

“We do not see many vipers in the North. Allow me to present mine as I see fit.”

Oberyn moves his feet a touch faster, the memory of that day spurring him on. They had dismissed the seamstress with barely a glance, too busy stripping one another bare, and laying down together across the ruby red fabric. Oberyn can still feel the press of her lips as she whispered all the ways she intended to keep him warm between the stone walls of Winterfell as he fucked into her tight heat. 

Their union had strengthened ten fold over the passing months, even as the responsibilities of leadership came to rest upon their shoulders. Her mark upon him had spread easily, complimenting him but never changing. Everywhere he looked he could see her imprint upon his life. Her own throne beside his, her paintings hung on the walls, her moans painting their sheets. 

And in kind, she carries his marks with the same glow of pride. Books of poetry littered her desk, plum wine stained her lips, little pieces of himself left behind in her heart. 

True to their promises all that time ago, he was free to seek out time and pleasure on his own, but he found he preferred it best when she or Ellaria joined him. He still remembers with a spiteful sense of glee how members of his council had mentioned seeing the Lord and Lady of Sunspear walk arm and arm into one of the more luxurious bathhouses. 

It seemed the fates knew a thing or two, gifting him a match with just as voracious an appetite. 

But more and more he found himself content to remain closer to home, his bed there as full as his heart. It’s overly sentimental and he rolls his eyes at it all on his own, but it does not stop his heart from picking up speed when he reaches the door of their chambers. 

The sight that greets him on the other side is not exactly that of a woman who had assured him she would be ready to leave upon his return. 

But he cannot find it in himself to be vexed. 

Not when what he sees is so stunning. 

His soul’s match is laying back amongst the plush dressings of their bed, her body bare and her legs spread wide. She’s twisting back and forth, eyes closed and lips parted, begging for more more more in a way that his own groan slipping out to join her own, the unforgiving leather of his britches suddenly too tight. 

Ellaria is a generous lover, quick to meet his wife’s request and Oberyn steps closer just as one of her elegant fingers slides up inside her fluttering entrance, her lips never breaking away from that beautiful bundle of nerves.

It had been a natural progression, the two of them finding their way to each other. It was as seamless as two people walking together, their arms locked, and fingers laced, until finally they moved together as one, sides pressed together and cheeks on shoulders, closer than close and a sight to be held. 

Oberyn feels a foolish man for ever thinking there was a choice to be made. 

He does not go unnoticed for long, her eyelashes fluttering open, feverish eyes finding him and he is quick to move to her side, cupping the curve of her cheek in his palm. 

“Am I to assume we will be leaving late?” 

She smiles for him, nuzzling into his touch, but all words are stolen by Ellaria’s own lips pulling away. 

“Do not be mad at her, my love. We were restless and she looked so beautiful in the bath. I could not help myself.” 

Oberyn hums in agreement, letting his fingers trail down the column of her neck, squeezing gently, just enough to feel the gasp as it leaves her. He holds her gaze as his touch moves further down, up and over the peak of her breast until his hand rests along the slight swell of her belly, just starting to show with the promise of new life. 

“You are right as alway, my paramour. Our little wolf can be so hard to resist.” 

“Will you join us?” Ellaria asks the question sweetly, each word coated in honey, her dark eyes watching from where she rests her cheek along her thigh, two fingers now moving slowly in and out of her cunt. “Or must we leave her so unsatisfied?”

He smirks down at the two of them, before making a show of untying his robe and letting it fall to the floor. He could play coy, and insist they leave at once, but he knows there would be little use in denying either of them anything. 

He lets the last of his clothing fall away before he slides into bed beside her, his hand drifting low enough to join Ellaria’s, her cries for more finally answered. 

“I suppose not,” he murmurs, before pressing his lips to hers, always eager for the taste of her kiss. 

A taste he thought he had only dreamed.

———

A/N: If you told me my bingo card for the end of 2022 had writing a Game of Thrones fanfic, I do not think I would believe you. But I am so proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone, for trying out tropes that I don't normally seek out, and for taking on a new writing style in the fanfic space. I feel like I learned a lot in this process and I think I grew as a writer. I have had so much fun and trust me, this is a world I could see myself revisiting if the right prompt or request tickled my fancy. 🖤

Dedications: I have said this many times before, but it remains true: stories like this do not happen in a vacuum. I am so very grateful for the community here that has supported me through this and all of my writing. To every reader out there, thank you! Endlessly! Your support means more to me than I will ever be able to coherently explain.

To my dearest @astroboots who didn't blink an eye when I started spouting nonsense about Oberyn and arranged marriages and soulmates, she simply replied "Write it." You never let me think I can't do anything I set my sights on, and I love you.

To @magpie-to-the-morning who supported all of my love for this cheeky prince and who I sent blocks of smut to completely unprompted. You took it all in stride and begged me for more and your enthusiasm made me feel higher than high! Thank you so much!

And to my wonderful wife and Ellaria Sand's biggest fan @jazzelsaur You read every chapter. You listened to GoT facts you never thought you would learn. You laughed with me and and encouraged me and helped push me to make this story better than I ever thought it could be. I love you and I would be lost without you.

[cookinguptales]

Okay so... clearly people want to make sure I saw the Hanged Man imagery in 5.05...

Putting aside that I think it's very funny that this is apparently what people associate with me now, the reason I haven't really talked about it is because I'm not really sure what I think about it.

Yes, I saw the post. Yes, I saw the imagery while I was watching. But what does it mean? It's not that I don't have any ideas; it's more the opposite? I'm still not 100% convinced that all this is being done on purpose (though... it's certainly starting to feel more pointed the more it happens) but if it is being done on purpose... god, it could mean so many different things.

I talked about what The Hanged Man means a bit in my WWDITS tarot series, but it's one of those cards with a lot of different implications, and it's hard to know whether these things are being applied to specific characters, the overall narrative, etc.

So... some possibilities that immediately come to mind:

Colin Robinson as The Hanged Man. He was one of the characters I seriously considered for this card, so like. I get it. Particularly in s4 he seemed trapped in a sort of transitional period, and he still doesn't quite seem to have his path figured out. Like he's said himself, he just kinda keeps on truckin'. CR as Hanged Man could be alluding to his feelings of alienation from both humans and the other vampires. It could be a reference to his looping existence that prevents him from ever fully moving forward. It could be a reference to his meditative journey of self-discovery. This could go a lot of ways, tbh.

Many people talk about the Major Arcana as a journey, and The Hanged Man appears about halfway through when a break is needed to self-reflect, reassess, rest, etc. It can allude to feeling "stuck" or like you can't find a place where you fit. It's a highly liminal card, which -- again, it can go a lot of ways. If this is being applied to the overall narrative, is this an allusion to the halfway point? To the last few moments of internality and thinking before everything goes to shit? To the fact that a lot of characters currently feel "stuck"? To the way that no one can quite find a place for themselves anymore?

If anything, in this episode in particular, it feels like The Hanged Man might refer to Guillermo. He's hovering between two states, human and vampire, and he definitely feels trapped there. He feels trapped by his physicality (unable to use and control vampiric powers but still being burned by the symbols/people that used to protect him), trapped by his decisions (The Hanged Man is also occasionally used as imagery about punishment), and feels utterly stuck. He currently cannot move forward and does not know why. He's being forced to reconsider a lot of the driving beliefs and goals that have propelled him this far, and he's not necessarily liking what he's discovering.

Can this refer to the characters as a whole? Most of them feel like they're at a midway point in their current journeys, still feeling out information but currently unable to put it together in a way that makes sense. Nadja investigating her curse/Antipaxon family. Laszlo investigating Guillermo's change. Guillermo living through that change and investigating ways forward. Nandor being deeply suspicious of a change that he can sense but cannot make sense of. He doesn't even know what to investigate. All of them do feel a bit stuck, not just Guillermo and Colin.

Could this be an allusion to the way that vampires are liminal beings in this show? It's made incredibly clear in this episode that they don't really fit in anywhere and have this trauma of knowing that any "home" will last only as long as they keep their secrets. They have this trauma of knowing that there is no place for them, and they exist outside all accepted societal boundaries. They hang between worlds, and the lives that they've built are kind of inherently temporary. They're kind of constantly in a waiting period, aren't they, and they never know how long it'll last. Guillermo is only just now understanding what he's going to have to give up to join them.

Speaking of which, The Hanged Man is also a sign of sacrifice. This is a lesser-used reading, admittedly, but still very common. Is it a reference to the way Colin Robinson wanted to stand and fight, even if he had to sacrifice his life? Is it a reference to Guillermo sacrificing both of his families to his ambition, and really quickly coming to regret that? I worry a little bit about how this particular reading might come back to hurt us all later.

Honestly... these are my initial thoughts, but it's really just the tip of the iceberg. The Hanged Man is a card with a lot of different meanings attached to it, and it could be applied very broadly to the cast and overall events of the season. I have a lot of ideas, but like... it's hard to know where to direct them!

in conclusion

[sentientgopro]

Coming up on 3 months since cracking. It's still, like, a week away, but honestly, close enough and I wanna write this post now. Not much is gonna change in that time anyway.

The main thing I wanna note is like, the SIGNIFICANT mental changes. There is a name. I have never uttered that name out loud. Noone knows the name IRL. Noone has used that name for me online. Nothing.

...But If I, just quickly, imagine someone calling my name, or getting my attention, that's the name they're saying. If I quickly imagine someone referring to me in third person, I'm she.

And I think of these same things with my current name and it just doesn't quite feel right, or the same anymore.

People always talk about the infamous "I'm a girl" dreams. and I've started getting, like, 3 a week? Or atleast 3 where I'm, to some extent, trans. Like, even if I wasn't quite a girl yet, I had a dream that included picking up an estrogen prescription.

And all this, after 3 months, while deep closeted and unable to do anything about transitioning.

And, for my own sanity, I've had to find things to appreciate during this time. I can't spend the next year and a half avoiding acknowledging myself and what I look like. So I've atleast started to appreciate the little things. If I look closely at my eyes and ignore the rest of my face, I feel happy. idk, there's just something about my eyes in isolation that feel different to the rest of my face somehow, idk what it is but they feel more feminine, if that makes any sense.

And then there's my hair. Look, I have really short hair. Pretty average hair length for a guy. But my parents have been incredibly militant with keeping my hair very short for, well, as long as I can remember, until recently when my Dad abruptly asked if I wanted to grow it out (unbelievably convenient, he's transphobic and hss no idea about me. We take those I guess?)

But now, even the slightest bit longer hair feels great to me. Those little bits that grow down infront of your ears? Love it. Never had that be that long before. My hair ain't much, but its alot to me. And its only gonna get longer and longer, better and better.

And, look, this one sounds weird, but thighs. The way the fat squishes and flattens out when I sit down. I am a very skinny person, to the extent that my thighs are probably the fattest part of me relative to the body part. They aren't that thick, but relative to the rest of my body, it's enough to make me really happy. One time I was reading something about a lil deep-closet trick of wearing a long shirt and a shorter/ rolled up hoodie, and I kinda like it. Doing that, while sat down causing my thighs to squish slightly just looks so right.

(I was strongly debating whether to actually include this section. I doubt this would ever be the case, but just in case, don't be weird about it?)

I'm not gonna keep commenting on dysphoria increasing. I've kinda figured that's just par for the course. My general mood has decreased, I just don't feel good, but I'm not actually in that bad of a place mentally. I'm feeling optimistic, a solution to my problems is out there and I am gonna make it. It's already been a quarter of a year since cracking, that's no small amount of time relative to how long I have to wait. No matter how much I feel like shit about not being able to transition yet, it's better than when I didn't know what the problem was and thought I would just find myself ending it at some point. Now I know that isn't happening.

With each day, each little daydream, every time I imagine a scenario where I'm me, I get closer to actually being me. Physical is just a wait, but mental is a gradual process that is already well underway.

[xlrcoil]

I think a lot of people really like the idea of being repeatedly insatiable but I’m not actually sure how true of a state of existence this is in that at least for me this state does exist but ends once I sort of break out of the delirium, and only comes about if I avoid sexual actions for a period in the first place: it’s kind of self countering in that way. Maybe people for who this is really truly true have a shorter period of like, actual clarity or whatever in between, or maybe they just don’t think about/remember these periods.

Regardless, I think people with easy sexual access may be less horny on the whole. Perhaps an incorrect analysis though, since I’m a guy who doesnt fuck making stabs at the thoughts of the frequently heterosexual.

i think most people who believe themselves to be genuinely insatiable are kind of narrativizing it (c.f. the many many posts of people transitioning either direction that say something along the lines of [hormone] will make you basically go insane with lust and your eyes will turn into hearts and oughh you're basically in heat and it's like okay, this is clearly a post written one-handed lol. i have met people who are like... debilitatingly horny, in ways where their thinking is clearly frequently very clouded and they would strongly prefer to just not have a libido/suppress it a lot, but a lot of the time i have a suspicion that these people could have a chiller relationship to sexuality if they stopped fixating on it, like this is not some biological set point? and often these people are people who are getting sex less often, but a) i'm not sure which way the causation goes (desperation is unattractive), b) a lot of these people appear to be basically using "sex" as a stand in for some other emotional need they're not getting met, and aren't actually satisfied by the physical sex act even when they do get it, so it's more complicated than just not fucking. and of course there's the desire for other people to be insatiable. who doesn't want to be wanted. and so even in the absence of anyone actually insatiable, people will flow in to play both sides of this narrative. i definitely know some very horny people who are getting laid very often, but also yeah, people who don't have a scarcity mindset about sex generally probably think about it else. or who don't have the idea of sex shrouded in mystery -- i do think realizing sex is like, a really nice but not world-changing physical activity you can think more clearly about things (though my experience in this matter is limited and i do wonder how my thoughts would change if i had a super active sex life)

straight people have so many arcane-to-me sex social rituals that i hesitate to say too much on it, but i do think there's a semi-accepted narrative among straight men that guys just Need Sex. i've met girls who believed for quite some time that "blue balls" were like, an actual thing that was harmful and meant that they probably owed guys sex at least a little, and guys who very much took advantage of the idea that oh, yknow, for guys it's a physical need, i can't help it, etc. so there's probably some of that there.

i personally have a relationship to this that's basically my relationship to everything else, which is, idk, just choose not to be in an altered state about it? i have a higher ability to "just not" on some stuff than some people, but i admit i find it somewhat unattractive when people act like they are genuinely unable to just not, in matters of libido -- like, go jerk off and then read a book and calm down. the fake narrative version can be pretty hot though.

[thevoidscreamer]

Hey all! Transgender military spouse (and parent to a transgender kid and friend of several transgender service members, transgender former service members, and transgender family members) here with some news.

The NDAA, the defense bill, is headed to President Biden's desk to be signed. I do not expect him to veto this bill. What's wrong with it? A lot of things, but today we're going to talk about how this will impact my family's ability to access lifesaving care. Let's get into it.

The bill bans the military health program, TRICARE, from covering some gender-affirming care for the transgender children of service members "if it could risk sterilization." This is vague terminology. Science-wise, many things could risk sterilization. We know from literal decades of research and practical application that puberty blockers alone and HRT alone do not cause sterilization, but is that enough of a buffer to warrant its coverage by TRICARE? Seeing as TRICARE doesn't cover gender affirming surgeries or vocal training for grown adult dependents (hi, that's me), I'm going to bet not.

The anti-science and pseudoscience spewed by non-experts (and an even smaller percentage of the already small 1% of people who regret transitioning) has been effective in radicalizing politicians and right-wingers against HRT for pre-teens and teens. Words like "mutilation" and over generalizations "you send your son to school one morning and he comes home a girl," are used to monger fear among those unable or unwilling to sit down and crack open a bonafide research study. Some people in my current audience fall into that category.

So let's clear the air with a few facts.

Puberty blockers are usually prescribed to adolescents 10-13 years old and are meant to be used for about two years while the kid figures out which puberty they want to go through. They undergo regular checkups with a pediatric endocrinologist on hormone levels, blood biomarkers, and bone density during this time, while also attending therapy sessions with one or more mental health doctors. Aside from the therapy sessions, this is all the same treatment received by kids with precocious puberty, who are between the ages of 6 and 9 years old with early pubertal presentation.

This has been the treatment for those kids for decades, which is why doctors and scientists are pretty dang solid on the side effects, optimal length of treatment, and general wellbeing outcomes for patients.

According to the Mayo clinic: "GnRH analogues don't cause permanent physical changes. Instead, they pause puberty. That offers a chance to explore gender identity. It also gives youth and their families time to plan for the psychological, medical, developmental, social and legal issues that may lie ahead. When a person stops taking GnRH analogues, puberty starts again."

According to UCLA Health: "If the pubertal blockers are started in the later stages of puberty, you may already be making fertile sperm or eggs. Some people choose to preserve their sperm or eggs before starting pubertal blockers, to keep options open about how to build a family in the future. If you later wish to have genetic children, you would likely have to stop the pubertal blockers and proceed through most of your own biological puberty in order to achieve effective fertility; this may take several years. This would mean you would develop some features of puberty associated with your sex assigned at birth; for some people, this could be distressing."

What about full HRT (testosterone or estrogen)? Test and E are generally not accessible to people younger than the age of 16. If received right on the heels of hormone blockers, THIS may result in infertility. However, those patients who are ONLY seeking full HRT without having done puberty blockers, which is most patients receiving full HRT, are typically able to come off of that HRT and achieve full biological puberty and even procreate.

You've heard of men getting pregnant, right? Those are transgender men who have gone off their testosterone specifically to have biological children. There are, however, other options, for transmascs who don't wish to carry their own child. Namely, egg harvesting, wherein the man goes off of testosterone and receives a hormone injection to stimulate the overproduction of eggs to be harvested and frozen for use at a later date. Both of these methods do require the person to have developed and retained their gonads (testes and ovaries), which is achievable by allowing the body to go through biological puberty (which may be assisted in some cases by additional HRT).

Testosterone and Estrogen are both present in the human body regardless of sex. These hormones do not permanently sterilize a person. So, no, HRT does not generally result in infertility. Gender affirming (lower) surgery, however, can.

Gender affirming surgeries are not available to transgender minors except in extreme cases, and in those extreme cases, it is top surgery, not lower surgery. Gender affirming cosmetic surgery is available to (and undertaken by) cisgender minors starting at 15 or 16 years old (in the form of augmentations, reductions, body shaping, rhinoplasty, and face shaping), and should also be available to transgender minors in the same age bracket.

Lower surgeries are not accessible to minors, and most people under the age of 25 cannot get approval to receive them due to providers not wanting to undertake the liability of possible regret -- even though the regret rate for transitioners is 1%, whereas the overall surgical regret rate average for ALL procedures is 14%. Even in adulthood, transgender men are less likely to be able to access gender affirming lower surgery (hysterectomy, metoidioplasty, phalloplasty) than transgender women, due to doctors' collective reluctance around medical care for people designated female at birth.

No children are receiving gender affirming care that would permanently sterilize them. So why? Why this provision in the NDAA about gender affirming care that "may" sterilize minors? Because of successful fear-mongering and the anti-science movement. Because of the relentless onslaught of anti-trans advertisements during the 2024 campaign season. Because of the unwillingness of self-proclaimed allies in our current institutions to stand by marginalized groups.

I do not expect this policy to remain at a military level. I fully expect that, come 2025, we will see a massive stripping of the protections and supports painstakingly put into place over the past decades, aided and abetted by the democratic party, then glossed over as not being that bad by people who claimed to be our friends. In the next four years, I foresee my gender affirming care, which is covered by TRICARE, suddenly needing to come out of my own pocket. My kid's already will, come the new year.

Ultimately, though, I think that it will be about more than gender affirming care, but queerness in general as a concept -- I foresee transgender service members either erased or forcibly separated. I foresee emboldened discrimination against queer workers and queer students and queer families seeking housing or other support. I foresee bathroom bills and sports bills, and all these things that do not require scientific support, though they may falsely claim it.

Right now, federal and state laws prohibit discrimination against transgender individuals by most public and private insurance health plans. This means insurance companies must cover transition-related care that's medically necessary and it is illegal for them to deny coverage, in most cases. TRICARE seems exempt from this rule. Ultimately, I think over the next four years, those laws will change in an anti-progress fashion.

One of the provisions proposed by Republicans for the NDAA bill was not only to prevent coverage of gender affirming care for minors (which is already shitty) but to prevent that same coverage for adults. While the adult provision did not make it into the bill, the minor provision did, and it passed with overwhelming bipartisan support.

Yes, wages increased for service members across the board, at rates never seen before. But while some of my friends may be celebrating that fact, please keep in mind that while transgender people aren't incredibly visible in your circles, we're literally all over. There are so many of us on and around base (service members and family) and the fact that a removal of access gender affirming care for adults was even legitimately considered is a HUGE warning flag for all of us, as is the removal of access to gender affirming care for minors.

I don't know how to close this out, other than to say that I will never stop being relentlessly visibly queer, regardless of what's to come. I'm considering setting up a meeting group for queer military dependents and service members, though I'm unsure how I want to go about that. Let me know what you think in the comments.

Yours in grief and resistance,

B

Link to Reuter's article: https://www.reuters.com/world/us/majority-us-senate-backs-massive-defense-bill-voting-continues-2024-12-18/

[epiceneandroid]

thanks to @arco-pluris (who i have been admiring from afar and may have a (queer)platonic/amari/(theoretical) aesthetic attraction for based on my dreams of shem)'s reblog of @ryanyflags post questioning being transcis/cistrans/tris i'm actually myself questioning being trisqueer (as in trans(gender)queer and cis(gender)queer at the same time)

especially given that epicene, my MAIN gender and the main hosts' that share the "my gender" tag on this blog's genders as well as sprinkles' gender is technically (to me, and from arco-pluris' own definition from sheir blog defining how shey sees epicenity) a monomultiagender of both (male and female + male and female related genders + male and female centrigenders + in my view, masculine and feminine genders + masculine and feminine related genders + masculine and feminine centrigenders as well as androgyne, ambigender, femache, stuff like that), neither (i.e. every abinary, anonbinary, atrinary, etc. umbrella gender like neutrois, maverique, aporagender, outherine, xenogender/xenine (at least to me), kenochoric, and even other neogenders unrelated to these neithers, as well as stuff like ambigue, generique, gengender, etc that can't be sorted into these categories necessarily), and none (every single agender/genderless related gender i experience, such as agender, genderless, agenderless, gendervoid, arguably some kenochords, genderlussos, genderblank, gendernull, nullgender (those two are different), and i'm also either polygender or pxngenderfluidflux (aka, genderfluid between all and no genders and fluxing between them) and ALWAYS pxn aligned...i wonder if i could count as trisqueer in a cis-genderqueer sense AND a trans-genderqueer sense. i consider my modality mostly genderqueer and nonbinary, especially because though i'm physically unable to transition like i want to (i wanna go on t for the Namari Dungeon Meshi Voice Euphoria and also bottom growth but preferably i'd rather that thang and also the top thang to be swappable and like slideable like a chest/breast slider but that's another thing, but i don't want top surgery because i like my breasts and also i'm fat and i don't WANT to have to lose weight to get a flat chest), i consider my experiences neither fully cis in that i never was able to relate to other Fellow AFAB Experiences because of Autism and Adhd and Trauma and Ridiculously Early As Young As 1-4 Pediatric Ocd but i never found myself fully relating to cisgender boys either (i would say i find my experiences closely match transfem people both nonbinary and binary, but tbh i don't have a right to claim transfem because i'm not transitioning towards womanhood from a gender different to that, and i'm not fully and entirely a woman, and also trans woman isn't necessarily a third gender to most binary trans women though some transfeminine people can experience their gender as a third gender because imo some transmasculine people and generally nonbinary people do that too so who am i to judge). honestly, the closest even moreso than nonbinary or multigender transfem experiences is like...nonbinary/genderqueer or agender or like...generally not a man or a woman or all genders and none experiences. and also genderqueer experiences in general. i consider myself moreso...cisautigender? cisgenderless/cisagender? cisgenderqueer? because rather than being socialized as a cis girl, i feel like i was socialized as autigender in the "my gender is autism and less than genderless so my gender is considered nonhuman or even inhuman even because i'm autistic", or "because of my socialization i feel like i less grew up as a female to epicene, i feel like i'm more genderless to also epicene" or even "i feel like although genderqueer is one of my current genders, genderqueer is more of a cis experience for me than female is so isofemale cisgenderqueer isomale transepicene pxngender it is"

idk. i don't know how to explain all this word vomit. i still can't explain it. idk if these experiences necessarily line up with trisqueer or some other gender modality but if anyone can give me help i'd appreciate it.