#i know i haven't been the same since shit happened like two years ago

[kiealer]

do i attempt to dive into drafts or do i continue to stew in my own rut

[lamentationsofalonelypotato]

Chapter 21: Try to Understand

Pairing: Soldier Boy x f!reader, Reader POV, Soldier Boy POV

Summary: When the reader left Payback 40 years ago after a falling out with her childhood best friend she never looked back, but when two men show up to her apartment and start asking her questions about the past, the reader begins to think those things can’t stay hidden and starts to question what’s real and what’s fantasy.  This is a re-telling of The Boys Season 3, where the reader is a supe who's known Soldier Boy since 1927. The chapters will fluctuate between past and present. This is chapter twenty one of my "You Call It Madness But I Call It Love" series. (I'm so bad at summaries please forgive me!)

Word Count: 7.5K

Warnings: I'm gonna go 18+, I'm not sure that it needs it, but I'm still gonna do it. Angst, Talks of pregnancy, Talks of possible abortion, Cursing, Fluff, Sexual References, Graphic Nightmare?, FLUFF, Family Problems, Self-deprecating thoughts, Awkward Situations, Soldier Boy might be, is, really, absolutely, completely a little OOC. Soldier Boy is really all you need as a warning.

Note: This is told from the Reader's perspective. Any references to the reader is made using you or your. There is minimal use of y/n. I tried my best to proofread, but nobody's perfect. Reader is described as "curvy" occasionally. If you don’t like, don’t read, but if you do like, you’re my favorite!

Internal Monologue is in first person and is in italics

Series Masterlist

Masterlist

Soldier Boy POV

After his shower, you still haven't come back from talking to Rosemary, and Ben decides that instead of eavesdropping on your conversation, he's going to go to the kitchen and get a drink. He knows exactly where Legend hides the good shit, mostly because Legend hid it to keep it away from Ben in the first place. And despite it happening forty years ago, nothing in Legend's house had changed. Ben had many memories of this house, at least two Herogasms had been hosted here, hell, Ben had memories in the room you two were sharing, but he kept them to himself.

The last thing he wanted was for you to think about any of the things that happened in the past, not when you had told him that he had made it up to you, not when you had held him close after all these years and whispered things to him that he always wanted you to say, and not when he was more happy than he'd ever been.

You said that you forgave him, Ben understood that, but that didn't mean he was going to stop making it up to you every day and it didn't mean that he was going to stop making you happy, because after all these years you were still the only thing he wanted, and he refused to lose you ever again.

He glances at the empty bottle on the nightstand, the one that you brought with you last night and the same bottle the two of you finished together.

He was surprised when you said you stopped drinking, but not completely. You'd only drunk socially as a supe, and Ben hadn't seen you drunk since the two of you were kids. He knew it was because you didn't want to lose control like he did.

Ben stutters on the memory of what happened in Mid-town, and what happened forty years ago when he threw a car through a house and killed an innocent bystander. Ben didn't believe he was a bad guy, he was a hero or- the memories of all the moments he lost control began to seep though the cracks- at least he thought he was.

His mind drifts back to you. You were always in control. The one time he'd ever seen you lose control was when you lost it at the premiere all those years ago. It was justified. Ben would have lost it too if he walked in on anyone fucking you. His jaw clenches at the thought, but then he remembers what you said last night, that there hadn't been anyone else, that you never wanted anyone else but him ever. It was surprising to him, that you hadn't moved on, even after all this time you still loved him the same way you always had and that there would never be anyone else.

Fuck. Ben took in a deep breath to avoid getting too excited remembering what you said, feeling warmth begin to build in his abdomen. It had been difficult to contain himself when you admitted that to him. If you had let him, he would have made love to you right then, made you feel things that no other man ever did, but you said you wanted to wait.

And Ben wanted to respect that, wanted to respect you.

He examines the empty bottle once more.

When you were younger he'd watch you get drunk on cheap beer that he bought you more than once, usually when you proclaimed that you could drink him under the table and then Ben had to practically corral you to get you home. Then again he liked those nights, when you'd try to sing, swing from light poles that lined the street, and you'd grab his hand and say crazy things like "let's run away" or "let's go egg Missy Callahan's house." Both of which Ben didn't need much more convincing to say yes, but the two of you never did.

He would have run away with you if you'd ever seriously asked him to, he would have dropped everything to leave, would have chosen you just as you chose him the night he showed up and asked you to go with him to get the serum. The promise he made to protect you and be strong for you the night you went with him was not new. He had repeated it to himself every day since the minute he realized how much you meant to him.

And he would continue to do it for the rest of his life.

Ben ascends the stairs, buttoning the Giants jersey that Butcher bought for him. He wasn't the biggest fan of them forty years ago, but it was one of the only shirts he had. And the last thing he wanted to do was walk around without a shirt on. Ben smiles to himself remembering your reaction when you walked in on him changing into his supe suit yesterday morning. He loved that you reacted to him that way, it was the same way that he reacted to seeing you yesterday when you were standing in your bathroom in only your bra, looking just as beautiful as you had forty years ago when he took you to bed and-

Fuck. Ben took in another deep breath finishing the last button to avoid thinking about you naked. It had been forty years for him and he knew that he was going to have to take it slow when it came to sex.

He stumbled into the kitchen and froze.

Lou was sitting at the square kitchen table that sat under a floor length window and looked out onto the sprawling backyard of Legend's property. Ben could see Rosemary and you talking at the very edge of where the grass met the thick woods beyond.

"Hi Ben!" Lou smiles wide at him. A giant box of crayons sits on the table just beyond her filled with every color known to man, while she scribbles in a sketchbook that looks suspiciously like the same ones that Ben had seen you buy for yourself in the past. "Do you know how to draw trees? Aunty y/n always does them for me, but she's talking to mommy."

"Um-" Ben clears his throat, fastening the last button of his shirt. Lou was smiling at him the same way you did, like she was genuinely happy that he was there, and he wasn't used to that. It was the same way you used to smile at him when he climbed through your bedroom window. He looks out the window to where you're still talking to Rosemary trying to find a way out, until finally he sighs. "No. I'm sorry."

"That's okay, mommy can't draw either." Lou looks back at her drawing while reaching for a brown crayon. She was wearing pink polka dot pajamas, pants and a shirt that matched. Ben had never seen pajamas like that before, but he supposed that pink was her favorite color, given that she was also wearing a pair of bright pink fuzzy slippers.

He couldn’t help but smile. He wondered if you hated how much Lou liked pink, if it reminded of those dresses your mother used to make you wear that always made you look like a giant iced birthday cake.

Personally, Ben didn’t think you looked that ridiculous, he thought that you looked cute, ruffly, but cute. You never believed him when he told you that.

Ben wandered over to the cabinet where he thought the whiskey was, but as soon as he opened it, he found the cabinet empty.

Did he fucking move it?

"It's under the sink." Lou said from behind him.

"What?" Ben turns around surprised.

Lou was still scribbling with her crayon in her sketchpad. "Uncle Legend came in and moved it this morning."

"Thanks." Ben awkwardly makes his way over to the sink, and sure enough behind the mop bucket is a full bottle of whiskey. He busies himself with pouring a glass before he eyes the chair next to Lou wondering if he should sit there.

Ben was nervous, he'd never admit it, but he was. This was his granddaughter, someone that you loved very much. He'd never been around a kid before, didn't have any siblings growing up, and certainly didn't have any relatives with children the way you had.

He liked to think that if he had been there when you were pregnant and when you gave birth to Rosemary he would have gotten used to it gradually. He wasn't sure if he could even be a dad, not after everything that happened with his own.

He was sure that he was going to be a disappointment to Rosemary and even to Lou and-

"Sit with me." Lou says, interrupting his train of thought as she gets off of her chair to pull out the one next to her for Ben tugging with all her strength to pull it out from under the table.

Ben hesitates, but finally smiles at her efforts to get him to sit with her and sits down.

An awkward silence falls over him, he's again unsure what to say, so he takes a sip from his glass and hopes that you'll come in and save him from saying the wrong thing, but given how upset you look standing outside with Rosemary, he's sure that it won't be anytime soon. The urge to go outside and get between Rosemary and you is strong, but just as he begins to move to get out of the chair, Lou interrupts him.

"You make her smile more." Lou says, while grabbing a red crayon with her chubby hand and begins to draw the petals of a flower in her sketchbook, meticulously trying to make them more circular, tongue between her teeth as she concentrates.

"Who?"

"Aunty y/n. She didn't smile as much before." She says it matter of factly.

"Really?"

Lou nods reaching into the box of crayons for a new color. "She tried to act like she wasn't sad, but I think she was. Sometimes when she thought I was asleep I would find her on the couch just sitting there. I think she was lonely. And I tried to give her bigger hugs but they never seem to work. Hugs always make me feel better." Lou sighs.

"I'm sure that your hugs made her feel better." Ben's says tightly. He's not sure how to talk to Lou, isn't sure if he should talk to her like an adult or not.

"I love aunty y/n. I want to be just like her when I grow up. I want to be an artist!"

Ben looks down at the sketchpad on the table beneath Lou’s hands. It was of a giant tree that had different colored flowers all squished together in its branches. Each flower was different than the last, crudely drawn, but under it all Ben could see her potential. It reminded him of the sketchbook pages you first showed him when you were eight and swore him to secrecy, threatening bodily harm if you told anyone else about them.

“You’re very good.” Ben says and Lou beams with pride at her drawing, before flipping to a new page. She holds out a brilliant yellow crayon towards Ben. “Please draw a sun right here.” She taps her finger against the top left of the page before placing the crayon in his hand.

“Oh I don’t think I-“

“You can do it Ben! Aunty y/n says that art doesn’t have to be perfect, that it gets messy sometimes but that makes it fun!” Rosie reaches for a purple crayon and begins to draw stick figures to the right of the page.

Ben had heard you say that before, usually after your mother would sneer or make a comment about your paint stained hands when he’d bring you home from a day at the park. But sitting here listening to Lou say it was different.

Lou reminded him of you as a kid. She wasn't afraid  to speak up, to say what she thought, and she was filled with creativity and love.

Ben always admired that about you, that you were able to create things so perfectly and that you always made space in your heart for him, even when he was a complete dick for so long. He wondered if Rosemary was like you too. He could see a bit of it when she told him off, saw how headstrong she was and how ready she was to protect who she loved from him.

Ben hated that Rosemary believed that he would hurt you again, when it all but tore his own heart out to do so the last time.

But he was trying, hoped that she could see that he was trying and hoped that one day she’d let him in. The problem was he wasn’t the most patient person in the world.

He looks down at the crayon in his hand frowning slightly. He wasn’t an artist like you. The only thing that he’d really ever drawn was the naughty doodle that got him kicked out of boarding school, the one that made you laugh so hard you pushed him off the bed when he drew it for you in your sketchbook. You’d tried to show him other ways of drawing and painting but he’d never been interested.

Not to mention he didn’t think it was manly. He didn’t think that a man should have a hobby like this. It should be fishing or hunting or something like that but he looks down at Lou.

Her eyes are shining bright with excitement, smile wide, dimples showing and he doesn’t want to disappoint her, not when she’s been nothing but nice to him since he showed up.

If Hughie or fucking Butcher come in here and see me drawing this fucking sun I’ll-

“You don’t look like your pictures.” Lou hums drawing a smile on the face of the stick figure.

“Huh?” Ben looks up confused.

“The pictures that mommy keeps in the drawer.” Lou says reaching for a black crayon to draw long flowing hair on the stick figure.

“What pictures?”

“Of you and aunty y/n. Mommy has some in her drawer.” Lou acts as if she hadn’t said anything, grabbing a different crayon to draw another stick figure.

“She has pictures of us?”

“Yeah. You don’t have the beard though. And you and aunty y/n are really young.” She pokes his cheek with a chubby finger, making Ben freeze. Lou squints her eyes at him. “You don’t look like the picture that aunty y/n drew either.”

Ben hesitates, eyes slightly widening. “She drew a picture of me?”

“Few days ago.” Lou scribbles. “You didn’t have a beard then either.”

In the new drawings and paintings that Ben had seen back at your apartment, he hadn’t seen any drawings of him, he assumed it was because of everything that happened, but to learn that you did still draw him made him smile.

“You don't like it?” Ben asks, amused.

She shrugs. “It’s okay.”

“Aunt y/n likes it.” He said it more to himself than to Lou. Like hell he was going to shave it off when he saw how much you liked it when he came back. Ben smiles to himself remembering how your heart beat jolted out of your chest whenever he touched you, how your cheeks flushed, how your smooth skin felt beneath his hands-

There were so many little things that Ben missed about you, so many things that he had forgotten, and now he got to learn each one all over again and fall in love with every part of you for the second time in his life.

The sun he drew in the top left of the page was lopsided, but Lou didn't complain, in fact she added a pair of sunglasses to it, and a bright smile that Ben laughed at.

"What are you two doing?" Ben hears your voice say as your hand gently rubs his back. Ben looks up embarrassed. He hadn't wanted to get caught with a crayon in his hand, but at least it had been you and not Butcher.

"We were just-" Ben begins to say, his eyes flicking to where Rosemary stands behind Lou eyes narrowed.

"Mommy look. Ben is helping me color!" Lou crows, picking up her drawing so Rosemary can see.

Ben realizes what Lou was drawing on the other side of the page. Lou has drawn Rosemary and you standing with Lou in between the two of you holding on to her hands. Ben's eyes slide to the last figure in the drawing, his chest suddenly very tight, it's him, standing beside you, frowning, but holding on to your hand.

Rosemary smiles tightly at the page with a sigh. "That's nice sweetie. Come on, let's get you dressed."

"But I like my pajamas."

"Do what your mother says Lou." You smile down at her, stroking her dark hair back from her face.

"Okay." She sighs dramatically and begins to walk out of the room, but Rosemary is still glaring at Ben.

"Rose-" You begin to say, but she interrupts you.

"She might be able to forgive you, but I'm not going to." Her eyes narrow. "I don't think you're good for her."

Ben is still sitting in his chair at the kitchen table, your hand solidly on his back as if you were making the statement that you weren't going to push him away. It solidified something, showed him how much you were willing to sacrifice to keep him in your life, and again enforced just how much you loved him. If Rosemary hadn't been standing there, he would have sat you on the marble countertop and sucked another mark into your neck. The one he left yesterday was already starting to fade and he wanted to replace it as soon as possible.

But he was still angry, angry that Rosemary wouldn't give him a chance. "Your mother means everything to me." Ben says honestly. "I'm not asking you to forgive me. All I'm asking is that you get to know me first before you-"

"I don't want to get to know you." Rosemary says. "And if you hurt my mother again, I’ll make you wish that you stayed in that fucking lab."

She's gone in an instant, making Ben feel a pain in his chest that he hadn't felt since he spoke to his own father decades ago, on those nights when his dad got so drunk that he couldn't stand up straight and the nights that his father's words rang heavy in Ben's ears. Those nights Ben would get drunk, climb up the tree outside your window, and stumble into your bed, curling into you because you were the only thing in his life that he couldn't stand to lose, couldn't stand to disappoint, and the only thing in his shitty life that made him happy.

"Ben-" He hears you say.

"Mhmm?"

"Look at me."

Ben looks up. He doesn't like the worry in your gaze, doesn't like how your own eyes are just a little rimmed red like you were crying.

"I love you." You whisper. "And she's not going to change that."

"Are you sure?" He barely breathes the words, afraid in his soul to admit them to you, to speak them into the universe.

You drop into his lap, putting your forearms on his shoulders.

"Ben." You drag your fingers through his hair, your touch soothing his anxiety. "You know me enough to know that I don't pull punches. If I didn't want you here, I would make sure you weren't." You press a soft kiss to the tip of his nose. "I want you here with me. I don't want you to go ever again. "

They were the words that he wanted you to tell him on the nights he crawled through your bedroom window, the question that he was always afraid to ask. Because he never believed that you could want him even a fraction as much as he wanted you, could love him and want to be with him as much as he wanted to be with you. And yet here you were after all these years after all the shitty things he did accepting him and letting him into your heart.

“Okay.” He leans his forehead against yours for a minute. “What did you talk about?”

“Homelander. And what happened yesterday.” You sigh. “She’s about as thrilled as I thought she’d be with us going after our old team. She was pissed when I told her about Countess the other day but this was worse.” You mutter holding on tight to him. “She’ll get over it. At least… I hope she will.”

“Mhmm.”

“I will say that I’m kind of jealous.”

“About?” Ben is suddenly worried.

What did I do? Did I-

“Every time I tried to get you to draw with me you said no.” Ben watches you frown dramatically. “And here you are with another woman-“

Ben rolls his eyes and shuts you up by closing the distance between your faces. You laugh into his mouth, his tongue finding the rigid edge of your front teeth as you do before you fit your mouth against his and kiss him, your soft lips molding against his in a way that makes a deep seated groan vibrate up through his chest.

“You try saying no to her.” Ben mutters.

“It’s impossible.” You open your eyes to stare at him again, your gaze filled with more love than Ben had ever seen. He’d never seen anyone look at him like that before, none of the other women he’d had in his life had ever looked at him the way you did. And he never wanted you to stop. You looked at him like he was special, treasured, like he was something that you never wanted to stop looking at, like you saw every part of him and refused to turn away.

He'd only seen that once before. He had taken a woman out for drinks, you had been doing an interview that ran late and Ben was trying to pass the time, but at the bar he had seen an older couple sitting in a booth in the corner. Ben couldn't look away from them. They were sitting on the same side of the booth, the man's arm draped over the woman who leaned into him with a wide smile, her gray hair pushed back in an elegant twist, but she looked up at him with such reverence that Ben couldn't help but think of you. When he saw that he left the woman he came with there and went to your apartment, to wait until you got back. And when you had fallen asleep Ben had folded you into his arms and allowed himself to dream that one day you would look at him the same way.

And now years later here you were looking at him as if he was the most precious thing he'd ever seen, the same way you looked at him the morning after your birthday when you told him you loved him.

"But I did tell you that once Lou drew you into the family portrait, you were in." You reach back to pick up the drawing holding it between the two of you so he can see Lou's hard work. "She really captured your frown." You snort, leaning your head against his shoulder while you look at the drawing.

"Shut up." Ben squeezes you, but he can't help but smile at the paper.

And deep down Ben started to believe you when you said that this was his family too, because sitting there with Lou he had felt just as at home as he had with you.

All he had to do was convince Rosemary.

[30 MINUTES AGO] READER POV

I can't believe that she walked in on us IN BED. She's already pissed about me having him here, but why did her finding us together feel like the equivalent of my mother walking in on Ben and me?

You follow behind Rosemary silently, trying not to think of how sad Ben looked when you left him. You would have wanted nothing more than to stay in bed, curled up beside him and make him understand that no matter how much Rosemary wanted you to push him away, you weren't going to leave him.

You could see the fear flashing in his eyes, had seen it last night when he yelled at you. As much as he didn't want to admit it, you knew that Ben was still afraid that you would leave him. And knowing how much you meant to him made you love him even more.

It was a beautiful day. Legend's home was the only one within ten miles, his money well spent to keep himself secluded from the rest of the world. The large trees at the back of his home were tall and strong, their branches curling upward  to the sun as if they wished to worship it.

The sunlight was warm on your shoulders, soaking through your t-shirt and sweat pants as you follow behind your daughter, who was obviously trying to get out of earshot of Ben's supe hearing. You didn't want to break it to her that you'd probably have to drive at least a mile away for Ben's hearing to get a little bit fuzzy.

Finally, just as you reach the crest of trees at the back of the lot she stops and turns back to face you.

She's frowning and waits a minute to begin. "I want you to tell me what happened."

"I did-"

"No. You didn't tell me everything and I want to know exactly  what happened and why you had to fight Homelander."

You bite the inside of your cheek.

There really wasn't an easy way to sugar coat it or really explain it in a way that Rosemary would understand without getting angry.

She almost went ballistic the other day when I told her that I killed Countess and that was a complete accident. Us going after the Twins was not. Us going after the twins was calculated.

"Okay. Before we talk about that, I want you to understand why-"

"Oh you mean why you and Ben-" She seethes his name. "Were going after your old team? The exact thing that you told me you weren't going to do when you came to tell me about Countess?"

"Yes."

"Fine." She leans back against one of the trees, still frowning. "Go on."

"Ben told me what happened in Nicaragua. What Countess said was true, she seduced him to make me angry." You hold up a hand. "And before you say that Ben said those things to me and did those things of his own free will. I know."

Rosemary still doesn't look pleased.

"They betrayed him in Nicaragua. They attacked him and gave him to the Russian military."

"But why?"

"Honestly I'm not sure. I think it's because Ben used to be wild and impulsive and-"

"Used to be?"

"Just listen." You sigh. "He spent forty years in Russia being tortured and experimented on. They put something in his chest-"

"What did they put in his chest?"

"It's like an energy beam." You were giving her the short version about what the beam really did, because you didn't think that now was the best time to say that it might turn supes human. "But that's why we went to see the Twins, because they betrayed him and when Homelander showed up I had to step in."

Rosemary pinches the bridge of her nose and you can tell that she's trying very hard to not get angry. "So let me get this straight, you went to see the Twins, AS SOME KIND OF FUCKED UP REVENGE FANTASY?"

"Well-"

"No. My turn to talk." She holds up a finger like she's admonishing a toddler. "I can't believe that you can't see what's happening."

"See what?"

"You told me that things were different, that he'd changed but he hasn't! He's still the same angry dick! The only person that's changed is you!"

"What?"

"And you don't fucking see it!" Rosemary shouts. "You facing Homelander, you killing Countess, you going after your old team- it's all him! As soon as you got a whiff of Soldier Boy you started to slip back into the person that you were forty fucking years ago."

"That is ridiculous-"

"No it's not. And it's all him. He is the one making you throw the life away that you have made for yourself. He is the one making you use your powers again! He is the one making you go along with his ridiculous revenge plot-"

"Ben is not making me do anything!"

"He is-"

"You have no idea what that's like for people who say that they're your friends betray you. To have people who you thought trusted you give you up like that. They stabbed him in the back Rosie, and they sent him away to another country to be tortured. Do you have any idea what they did to him there? Our old team deserves everything that is coming to them."

"I don't know who you are anymore."

"I am still the same person I was. I am still me."

"No I don't think you are-"

Your jaw tightens. "Look, I understand that you're upset with this whole situation. With having to be here and with me letting Ben back into my life, but he is my family too."

She bristles when you say the word 'family.'

She has to understand that, to know that Ben is my family, is her family.

"Rosemary, do you have any idea what I would do for you if someone tried to hurt you or Lou the way they hurt Ben? What I would do to them for even trying?" You whisper it, but you can see her expression soften as she considers what you were saying. "You were angry with me because I was going to go to Russia alone. You wanted to protect me. And even all this stuff with Ben, you have been trying to protect me from him because you believe that he's going to hurt me again. How is this any different?"

“It is.”

“Why? Because he’s hurt me?” Your eyes lock with hers. “I’ve hurt you by letting him back in my life. Are you saying that now you wouldn’t protect me? That if I asked you to go with me to Russia right now you wouldn't do it.”

She stands there looking at you for a minute, letting what you've asked hang in the air between the two of you. And you know that deep down she understands the need to protect her family the same way you did.

"No. That's not what I'm saying. You depend so much on him and it's only been three days." She sighs. "Mom you were happy before-“

"No I wasn't." You mutter.

The memories of the last three days with Ben proved that. You hadn't realized just how in the hole you were until he walked back into your life. Until you felt how much you loved him and now understood how much he loved you. Waking up with him, falling asleep with him, spending time with him, seeing his smile, hearing him speak, and feeling him beside you all felt different. She was right, you did feel different. You felt lighter and warmer, like you'd mainlined sunshine, like everything else had been colorless until Ben walked back in.

You understood that now you may have tried to be happy, and you were with Rosemary and Lou, but not anywhere else. Being with Ben felt right.

Rosemary eyes you for a minute and then finally sighs.  "I know."

"What?" You weren't expecting her to say that.

"He's been here only three days and you're-" She searches for the word reluctantly. "You're glowing."

"Huh?"

"My entire life I've watched you. I know you. You're my best friend. And I'm not saying that you haven't been happy, but with him you're a different person."

"You've already said that and it's not true. I'm still me-"

"Not about the supe shit." She shakes her head. "The way you look at him, the way you smile, the way whenever he shifts in another direction you do too like somehow you sensed it. And it scares me."

"Why does that scare you?"

"Because if he decides this is all too much and he leaves, I don't want to see the person you become when he does." She frowns and crosses her arms over her chest. "I kinda feel like I've seen that person the last thirty nine years."

"That's ridiculous-"

"You told me about before, told me how you were when he left, I didn't see it, I couldn't imagine it, but now seeing you with him, understanding just how much of a hold he has on your life, understanding how much you love and care for him- mom… I see that the life you made for us, you still weren't you. I'm not sure if you were really completely happy and now seeing you with him, I-"

You place your hands on her cheeks. "Rosie. What happened forty years ago is not your fault. I would not change a single second that I spent with you and Lou. I do not regret the life that I've made with you. I do not regret you. I want you to understand that. The things that happened between me and Ben, even though they were fucked up, does not mean that I don't love you."

"I know that." She whispers, but you're suddenly unsure.

You thought that you'd expressed that to Rosemary enough over the years, that you did not regret having her, that you wouldn't change that decision.

"Rosie please." You hug her, tears burning just behind your eyes. "You are not a mistake. I love you." You pull back to look at her green eyes, the same as Ben's. "And I wouldn't change a single thing about my life. Because maybe I wasn't happy with me, but I was when I was with you and Lou."

"Okay." She pulls back with a sigh.

"I just wish that you'd try to talk to work things out with Ben." You search her face. You told yourself that you weren't going to get involved, but you wanted her to like him. He was her father and he was going to be spending time with you.

"Look I don't want to hate him, and maybe I don't, but it's not your fault." Her expression hardens. "He shouldn't have shouted at you yesterday for that. You didn't make me hate him or make him the villain. It's not your fault." She repeats.

"Maybe it is. I told you all those things about him, I made you focus only on the bad, only on the things that happened towards the end-"

Rosemary takes your hand. "Mom you told me everything. I remember the good things. I remember what your friendship was like. I remember the stories you told me when I was a kid about Ben and you running around Philadelphia."

"Which ones?"

"When he was strong for you when you couldn't be. When he took care of you, when he took you places, when he supported your art. When he made sure that you were happy. I-" She pauses.  "I haven't forgotten those."

"Then why-"

"Because they happened before. When Ben was still Ben and not Soldier Boy. I've seen every single film. Watched every interview, commercial, and even those stupid music videos." Rosemary shakes her head as if trying to rid herself of the image.

"You have?"

"Yes. And I saw the person he became."

You knew what that looked like. Ben really did go all out for the cameras when they were rolling, but when it was the two of you he was just him. And the past two days he had shown that person to you all over again, and you knew deep in your heart that you were trusting him again.

"I know that you don't believe me when I say this, but he really is different."

"Sure."

You sigh. You knew that she wouldn't believe you, that she was just so hell-bent on pushing him away that she wouldn't listen to you. But you knew deep down that he was different, and that he was trying. It was enough for you.

Ben was enough. And the fact that he was willing to throw away all the macho bullshit he had spouted in the past, that he was willing to try to change to be the boy you fell in love with, meant everything to you.

You knew that you had probably forgiven him too early, but you wanted to believe him, and you wanted him to be back in your life.

Rosemary echoes your sigh and looks back up towards the house, stamping her foot in frustration. "Did you at least kick his ass?"

"Who? Ben? I told you that I threw him-" You begin to say suddenly confused.

"No." The ends of her lips twitch into a smile. "Homelander."

You laugh. "Yeah. They don't really make heroes the same way these days."

"Good. He probably fucking liked it."

"I wouldn't be too sure of that." You snort remembering the look he gave you when you threw him against the ground. "But it was kind of cathartic to throw him around. I feel a lot better. Maybe you should give it a try." You narrow your eyes at your daughter. "I mean Homelander not Ben."

Rosemary's lips pull into a mischievous smirk, looking more like Ben than she ever has. "I'll keep that in mind."

READER POV

Your heartbeat pounds in your ears, heart racing to catch up as you tug your arms to get them free, but leather restraints hold them in place at your sides. A cold chill seeps up through the metal table you lay on though the thin paper gown that covers your body. Brilliant light from fluorescent square lights above blinds you. And even when you shut them tight the flash of red that stays behind burns through your iris.

Shadows move just on the edge of your vision and you strain your ears to hear them speak, to understand why you're here, why you're strapped to this table, but the only thing that remains is a garbled sound broken only by the rapid ding of a heart monitor.

Where am I? How did I-

A sharp pain deep inside of you makes your breath catch, an uncomfortable sensation between your legs. You try to kick out, but your legs are strapped down, pried apart and bent at the knee. Your pleas for release are slurred as if you've forgotten how to speak.

Someone brings their hand down over your mouth and you bite down, blood and flesh sticking between your teeth and the person strikes your face savagely.

The shadows that pass over where you lay on your back are impossible to bring faces to and their muffled conversations are just out of reach.

And when you open your mouth to scream everything goes black.

"Y/n!" You hear Ben shout as you come to, his hands on your shoulders shaking you from sleep, but you can't move, can't speak still stuck in whatever hell-scape that your mind designed. "Please Sweetheart." He's leaning down over you, eyes wide with fear and anxiety, eyebrows pulled together. "Wake up."

"Ben-" You croak, breath coming in gasps, eyes blinking to focus on him above you.

Ben breathes out a sigh of relief, pulling you up into his arms and tucking your head beneath his chin.

"Ben." You say again, tears falling from your eyes sobs shaking your shoulders, breath coming in gasps as you cling to him, holding on to him so tight you think you hear his back crack.

“Shhh. It’s alright Sweetheart, I’m here. I’m right here.” Ben murmurs into the top of your head, rubbing his hand down your spine.

It wasn’t the first time you’d had the nightmare, but it was the first time you’d had it in forty years. It had started a few years before Ben had been taken. You don’t know why, but you always assumed that it was stress of being a hero or your heartache over Ben refusing to see you as more than a friend, that finally you cracked. But you didn't know why that particular scenario. The only time that you'd seen something remotely similar was the day that you received your injection of Compound V and you figured maybe your mind created the dream to haunt you.

And now it’s back because I’m stressed about all this shit with Homelander.

You inhale the familiar scent of Ben’s cologne, tears soaking into the front of his black shirt, but it does little to calm your heartbeat. You sob again, arms wrapped around his neck holding him tighter to you as you shudder.

“It’s alright. I’m right here.” Ben says again. His hand trails gently down your spine up and down in a soothing motion to calm you down.

He’d comforted you before after the same nightmare, he knew exactly what you saw each time, but he also was confused as to why you saw it. In his arms you felt safe, as if no one else could touch you or pull you away. You wondered if Ben felt the same way when you held him.

“Shh.” He presses a kiss to the top of your head, pushing back the strands of hair that clung to your sweaty forehead.

You shudder again, sweat sticking your shirt to your back, but your heartbeat begins to slow as you take in another breath.

“Same dream?” Ben whispers.

“Yeah.” You breathe. “I haven’t had it since you were-“ You choke on the words again as the images from what you saw come back. The mumbled voices of the figures fading in and out of your ears.

“Did you ever figure out what it was?”

“No. I-“ You inhale. “I don’t know. I-“

Your body shakes again as you cling to Ben, trying to forget the dream that never seemed to go away. “I don’t know.”

READER POV

In the days that followed Butcher and Hughie looked for Mindstorm's last known location, and Rosemary tried to stay as far away from Ben as she could, which wasn't too far because she refused to leave Lou alone with him. And Lou kept wanting to do more and more with Ben.

But you didn't mind that, because it meant that Rosemary got to sit front row to Ben trying to get more comfortable around Lou.

And try he was. He sat with her each day while she drew after breakfast, watched you and her paint side by side on Legend's back porch, waited patiently while you braided Lou's hair back from her face, and even indulged her in the occasional game of Go Fish that Ben always seemed to lose. But he didn't mind or at least not that you could tell.

"I understand that you all have this kind of fucked up fantasy when you go after Mindstorm," Rosemary sighed leaning back on Legend's dark brown leather couch with a beer in her hand. "But I still don't see how this is going to help us with Homelander."

Butcher shrugs taking a sip from his own beer bottle, brooding in the chair across from her. Hughie mirrors the shrug and reaches for the last slice of pizza in the ornate glass coffee table in front of the couch.

You were sitting on the couch beside her, your legs folded up underneath you with a mug full of scotch clutched between your hands, while Ben stretched out beside you nursing his own glass of whiskey.

In all the years that you had known Legend, there never seemed to be a shortage of booze. Ben respected that.

Lou was sleeping soundly upstairs, you kept checking on her every few minutes with your supe hearing, but so far she hadn't woken up.

"Because those two wanted us to go after their old team first." Butcher gestures to Ben and you with his bottle.

"At least we don't have a hard-on for Homelander." Ben frowns. "Can't tell if you want me to kill him or if you want to fuck him."

"Ben-" You sigh.

You had tried not to think about Homelander over the past few days, but it was unavoidable. You bite the inside of your cheek remembering what it was like to fight him, what it was like to hold him by the throat and stare into his nearly black eyes.

He had been pissed. You knew that, but you hadn't expected to feel so weird when you looked at him. You remember his blonde hair, the sharp smell of hair dye, the strong cut of his jaw-

Your thumb rubs the side of the mug you're holding. There was something else about him though, something that you couldn't place, something that when you looked at him you felt that you had forgotten something. Something important that nagged and tugged at the back of your mind.

But what? I've seen him before, at least not in person, and definitely not that close. Only in those pathetic interviews on T.V, on those stupid energy drinks…

You think again about the grip you had on his throat, remember the angular planes of his face.

"That doesn't fucking help." Rosemary rolls her eyes and you look up at your daughter.

She really does act like Ben even if he wasn't around through her childhood.

You think to yourself, your eyes tracing her face, looking at the soft dusting of cinnamon colored freckles over her cheeks that she usually hid under makeup and the nose that always reminded you of your father.

You think about Homelander again. But what did I forget? What about him made me-

Your entire body freezes as you stare at Rosemary's face, the face that you'd looked at for the past forty years.

No. That's impossible-

You can't breathe, can't think. Something cold clamps over your heart the chill soaking into your bones like you've sunk into deep water. All other sounds in the room fade into a muddled haze as you sit there and stare at her, eyes widening, heartbeat beginning to thud loudly in your ears.

Oh. My. Fucking. G-

The mug shatters in your hand, glass and alcohol going everywhere, but you don't feel anything. Only the sense of dread, and the chill that spreads with the coming storm and the understanding of what it is you've forgotten.

And you hoped to God that you were wrong.

A/N: I'M BACK BABY! Honestly after a week off I am doing alot better. Thank you everyone for the love and support. I hope y'all liked this chapter. It's moving the story right on along and the next chapter is going to be BIG and BLOODY. But we'll make it through.

As always thank you so much for reading! If you'd like to be added to the taglist or if you are already apart of the taglist and it didn't notify you, please let me know! :)

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[humanitys-strongest-brat]

Shoelaces

Summary: After three weeks apart, Hange plans a get together with the gang.

Pairing: LevixFem!reader

CW: This one shot heavily revolves around the use of alcohol. mentions of smoking and related language. 18+ MDNI.

wc: 3.5k

a/n: First, I'd like to thank @tobbi-loves-levi She has been here to hold my hand through all the sweat and tears of writing my first Levi fic, I truly cannot express how much I appreciate the help and advice I was given. If you do like this, please send some love her way. This cute lil fic is loosely based off of this song, and the scenes were living in my head rent free for weeks prior to writing it, enjoy~

“Took you long enough.” Erwin teases as you hop into the passenger seat, He texted you fifteen minutes ago letting you know he was out front waiting for you. 

“Don't be dramatic, it was only ten minutes.” you huff, pulling the seat belt over your chest and clicking it into place. Erwin gave you a once over, his gaze halting before turning back and shifting the car into drive. 

“You did your hair for this?” he comments, raising an eyebrow. Doing your hair was a generous observation on his part, you just spent extra time on it for tonight. 

“Yeah, and what's that look for? We haven't been able to get together like this in so long, so I wanted to look a little nice.” It's been three weeks since the five of you could all hang out together. Miche got a new job and Hange had a change in shifts, making it nearly impossible to do something collectively. It just so happens that everyone has the day off tomorrow, so Hange suggested getting together to drink and catch up.

 “It's just us, you never cared like that before. Besides, if this is like any other time your hair’s gonna look like shit by the end of the night anyways. Like that time Miche set your hair on fire lighting that cig for you.” He laughs. You cringe and brush your fingers through your hair in the same area that was singed short, only just recently were you able to make it look like it blends in with the rest of your hair. “Or, that time Hange-” Erwin starts but you quickly interrupt. 

“Okay! I get it, I'm accident prone.” you mumble, giving him a playful glare. “Both of those are better than the time me and Levi had to drag you out to the car which, by the way, wasn't fun.” you smirk, watching his dumbfounded expression illuminate under each street light you pass under

 “Like that compares at all, it was one time, and my birthday” Erwin retorts and gives you a gentle nudge. You shrug in response, looking out the window to see you're already turning down the street that leads to the house that Levi, Hange, and Miche share. “We’re late again, you know how much shit we’re going to get?” 

 ***

“Finally!” Hange raves when you walk in with Erwin. You make your way in and take your bottle of contribution to the cooler that was already set up in the living room, stuffing it in and shutting the lid. Almost instantly after, you were met with a fierce hug from Hange. “Late, as always. What was the hold up? Anything interesting?” They beamed, their eyes gesturing hopefully towards Ewrin. You parted from Hange’s hug, shaking your head at their silent accusation. This wasn’t new for the two of you. For as long as you could remember, you both have been teased about your friendship. Everyone constantly begged for you two to finally get together. Erwin is your best friend, and has been for years. The thought has never crossed your mind. The only person who understands that is Levi, he's the only one who never pokes and prods for something more. 

“Thought I heard the lovebirds were finally here.” Miche announced as he emerged from his bedroom. He makes his way into the living room and grabs two beers out of the cooler and tosses one to Erwin as he walks past him. “Catch up” Miche enthusiastically demands, cracking the tab on his can and raising it up to Erwin in a faux cheers. 

“You guys really started without us?” Erwin groans followed by the sharp hiss and snap of his own can. 

“What, were we supposed to wait for the two of you to stop sucking face in the car?” Miche laughs and gestures to you and Erwin both. Erwin rolls his eyes but just as he was about to respond the whole room collectively flinched at the sudden piercing interruption of music that gradually dimmed down to an appropriate volume. All eyes fall on Levi who’s standing in front of the speaker with his phone in his hand. 

“Cleaning playlist, forgot to turn it down earlier.” He explains candidly and takes a swig from the cup in his opposite hand, seemingly unapologetic for the disturbance. 

“Jesus, Levi. When did you get out here?” Miche groans, rubbing his ear melodramatically. Levi ignores him, instead he turns to face the group. “Didn't realize this party was about celebrating Erwin sucking face. I would have stayed in my room had I known.”

 “No one’s staying in their room!” Hange chimes as they make their way to Levi “it’s been three weeks, we should do something fun!” they place their hands on Levi’s shoulders and grin “like a drinking game.” they suggest, approval spreads across the room. 

“Pass.” Levi scoffed, rolling his eyes like he was above the activity. “Looks like you're outvoted.” Hange sings, squeezing Levi’s shoulders and quickly moving to drag the coffee table away from the couch for everyone to sit around. Miche was already on his way in with the bottle and a shot glass.

“Fine. I’ll play but I'm not sharing that shot glass with any of you, I’ll get my own.” he sighs, heading straight for the kitchen. Hange cheers and grabs chasers out of the cooler, lining them around the circular table as everyone settles into their chosen spots. Levi returned shortly after with his own shot glass, you notice a clean rag hanging out of his pocket as he sits in the space left open for him. Miche chooses the game for the group, the rules are simple and easy to follow. It doesn't take long, just a few rounds in and everyone around the table seems to have a pink flush across their cheeks, slurring their words, and laughs at anything anyone says.

***

“Damn!” Hange rasps out with a cough, slamming the shot glass back down onto the table. At this point in the game Hange was doing horribly, the last 3 rounds of the game they were the one to take the losing shot. They pick up the bottle and shakily attempt to fill the glass up for the next victim. Liquid splashes around the glass as they miss a couple times. 

“Okay,” Erwin says and takes the bottle from them “I’ll fill them from now on.” He adds. “it’d be nice if someone else could start taking the shots!” Hange complained, folding their arms over their chest. 

“That’s entirely on you, Hange.” Erwin pointed out as he finished pouring for them. His hand was stable despite being just as drunk as anyone else at the table, he was always the one who handled the liquor best. 

“Stop losing and you won’t have to take any more.” You laugh and watch Levi lean forward, pick up the glass, and quickly wipe underneath with the rag he’d brought to the circle. Even tipsy he was concerned about keeping things at least a little clean. 

 The next round, Hange takes the losing shot again. “of course!” They spout, taking the bottle from Erwin’s side, forgetting that he was in charge of filling the glass after each shot. Before he could register that Hange had taken the bottle, they were attempting to fill the glass again. With shaky hands Hange tips the bottle too far, causing the rim of the bottle to clash with the shot glass, tipping it over. The jolt alone was enough to cause them to drop the bottle as well. You watch as it rolls off the table, its contents spilling out. 

“Come on, Hange.” Levi groans as he lunges forward. He fails to catch the bottle, forced to watch it spill out and seep into the rug. “Games over.” He announces, immediately going back in with the rag. Levi sets the bottle back upright on the table and Miche gathers up the remnants of their game, wiping the liquor off the cards as he organizes everything back into the box. 

You thread your fingers between Hange’s after they stand up. “Kitchen, Hange.” You sang, guiding them out of the living room. Despite their protests, you decided you both need a water break. You let go of Hange’s hand, and they lean against the counter to the right of the fridge. You grab two glasses from the overhead cabinets and pull the ice tray out of the freezer. “Sooo,” Hange coos as you as you cracked the tray, haphazardly dropping ice into both cups. 

“Yesss,” you mimic back in the same tone, opening the fridge. 

Hange pushes off the counter and leans over the open door “Erwin looks cute tonight, huh?” They try, grinning. 

“Not this again,” you laugh at them and set the first filled cup on the counter behind you. 

“Give me a break!” Hange groans, dropping their head onto their forearms. “You always avoid talking about it, when will you guys give up the act?” You look towards them and your attention is immediately drawn to Levi, who is discarding an arms worth of cans onto the counter. He kneels down in front of the sink and starts digging through the cabinets underneath. 

“It’s not like that, and it never has been.” 

“bullshit, there’s got to be a reason you haven’t just gone for it yet. We can all see how it is between you two” they pried for more. 

“And you’re all wrong” you say as you set the second cup down next to the first. 

“Then what is it? You still have that thing for Levi?” They joke. Your eyes immediately flicker back to Levi, he’s frozen, still knelt down at the sink. You swear you can feel all the color drain from your face. Hange has already started mumbling about a new topic you couldn’t focus on. 

“Hey, four eyes.” Levi stands up from his position, peeling out the trash bag he was digging for. “Keep me out of your fantasies and come help me with your mess” he says, his tone was flat, as usual. He turns away without looking at either of you and walks out of the kitchen. 

“Shit, he heard that?” Hange asks, looking back at you. It's obvious by their face how embarrassed you must look because Hange immediately starts assuring you that it’s fine. 

You walk back out to the living room with Hange, still fighting off the embarrassment from the kitchen. You watch as Hange picks up the various chasers that were still left over from the game. When you turn your attention to Levi your face burns, you wonder if that made everything weird now. “You good? You look like you could use one of these.” Erwin interrupts your thoughts, handing you a new can. You accept and pop the tab.

“You have no idea.” You confirm, taking a drink.  

“What a mess.” He comments and shakes his head, watching as Hange and Levi clean. Just as you open your mouth to reply, Miche caught your attention as he made his way across the living room, careful to walk around the chaos that Hange and Levi were cleaning. When he catches your gaze he raises a hand up, flashing a lighter and gestures towards the back door with a nod "smoke break?" 

"Count me in!" Hange yells, quickly standing and discarding the handful of cups on a nearby side table and making their way out, followed by Erwin. You tip your can back, finish the beer, and make your way to the back door. you lazily slide your shoes on not even bothering to pull the backs up over your heels, you glance behind you to see Levi gathering up the empty cups and beer cans and throwing a couple unopened cans into the cooler placed in the living room. You think for a moment about staying inside and doing damage control with him, maybe you could convince him that Hange was just being dramatic, or using it as a means to prove that they’re right about Erwin. "Come on! What're you doing?" Hange interrupts, pulling you away from the door and sliding it shut, dragging you over to the group. 

"Hange, you really couldn't have said that a worse time." You groan and squeeze your eyes shut, willing another wave of embarrassment away. At this point, you didn’t care about bringing it up in front of Erwin and Miche. You figure Hange would tell them on their own anyway. 

"Said what?" Miche mumbled around the cigarette hanging off his lips, passing the lighter to Erwin. 

"Well.." Hange drawled, a shit eating grin on their face "I may have spilled the beans on her little crush on Levi.. right in front of him." Now both Erwin and Miche were looking right at you, a few moments of silence pass before Erwin raises a brow and glances between you and Hange

"Crush?" His tone was so flat it didn't even sound like a question.

"Levi?" Miche interjected quickly, waiting for you to say you were joking. When the silence began to linger Miche let out a quick snort "like, Levi?" He asked again, his hand gesturing towards the house. "No shit, way to pull the rug from under our feet." He shakes his head in disbelief and nudges Hange with his elbow "you knew and still said your piece about Erwin this whole time? Evil." he laughed 

"Hey, I was told in confidence that she thought Levi was hot one time!" Hange spills out. It was true, months ago you hung out with Hange alone. The two of you decided to have a night in with movies and wine since no one else could join. After a couple glasses you let it slip that you had a small crush on Levi, making sure to paint it as fleeting so the two of you didn't get the same treatment as you and Erwin. "Hey," Hange places a hand on your shoulder "are you alright?"

“I’m just worried about it, I never would have told him that. You saw him in the kitchen, everything is probably going to be so awkward now.” 

"Oh stop, it's Levi!" Hange encourages and pulls you in close by your other shoulder "he doesn't care, he probably won't even mention it" they try to reason with you, but it falls on deaf ears. you were so full of doubt. How could things be normal after this? Were you just supposed to continue on while pretending it didn't happen? That's exactly what you plan to do because there was no chance you could bring it up to his face.  

"I'll be back" you mumble at Hange as you spin on your heels and make your way inside through the back door and decide the bathroom would be a more private place to pull yourself together. 

***

You admire the photos that hang unsystematically in the hallway, tracing waves on the wall with your finger as you glide through, the music slowly starts to fade the closer you get to your destination and completely muffles as you close the bathroom door. 

"uh, hi?" 

You snap your attention towards the voice, meeting a sharp but forgiving gaze. "Levi, I didn't realize you-." you start, feeling the heat in your cheeks as you stammer for the words to apologize. Levi's stare is unmoving for a moment. He looks down, swiping the cloth off the hook to dry his hands. His eyes dart back to your face. "Your shoelaces are untied." 

What..? 

You take a moment to register what he just said, double checking that you heard him correctly and glancing down to see the strings loosely hanging off each side of your shoes. "That's how I like them..." When his expression doesn’t change you curse yourself for sounding so dumb. 

"And you're walking through my house with shoes on." he states and you can feel your face burning even more. Duh, Why wouldn't you have remembered to take them off as you came in. Just as you part your lips to muster up what would probably sound like another pathetic attempt at an apology, you notice the small smirk pulling at Levi's lips "Save it. Hange's party, Hange’s mess to clean" He assured you.

You hum in response and started to turn back towards the door to leave "Was that true?" He asked, you can hear a subtle eagerness in the question "What Hange said, I mean" he corrects his tone this time. You’re completely still while a wave of embarrassment washes back over your whole body trying to think of something to say, but you're stuck speechless. Muffled music and Hange’s voice chanting at Erwin to chug from outside quickly fill in the silence. You take a deep breath, realizing that now is your chance to give context. 

“Yeah, but that was so long ago,” you stammer your words and finally turn to face him, he’s closer now. 

“Yeah? How long?” He’s smirking now, arms crossed over his chest, like this is amusing to him. 

“Months.” Was all you could say in response. 

“So what happened? You let eyebrows take my spot?” He teases. 

“You’re starting to sound an awful lot like Hange, It was never like that anyway,” you scoff, not realizing his implication of having a spot. In your attempt to explain yourself you hadn't noticed Levi closing the space between you. 

“You done?” He interrupts, glancing down at your lips then back up. Your eyes meet his and you nod, not trusting yourself to speak. Levi leans in, his fingers brush against your jaw as he reaches out resting his hand at the nape of your neck. He pulls you in gently and pauses briefly before your lips meet. You hear his breath shake before he closes the small space between the two of you. Warmth spreads across your whole body and the intoxication rushes back in. You drape your arms over his shoulders and relax into it, tilting your head to follow his lead. Levi rests his other hand on your hip, pulling you flush against his body and snaking his fingers through the hair behind your head. He guides you back up into the door, his hand acting as a cushion for your head as he moves his lips against yours. Your breath hitches at the gentle impact against the door, you pull your arms back in to cup his face just as he parts from you. He rests his forehead against yours, his breaths coming out in soft pants. Your eyes meet again and just as he parts his lips to say something you hear the back door slide open and shut. Levi quickly pulls back from you, a quiet ‘shit’ falling from his lips. You realize how long you have been missing from the group. Grabbing the door handle you turn back to Levi, he responds with a gestured nod toward the door. A silent agreement that you leave first. You twist the handle and exit the bathroom quickly, closing the door behind you. As you step away from the door Erwin turns down the hall and stops at the sight of you. 

"There you are.” he starts, sounding relieved. “We got worried when you didn't come back and," he stops speaking when you hear the bathroom door click shut behind you. You watch as Erwin's eyes flicker back and forth. You press your eyes shut as Levi slips quietly past you. When the back door slides shut signaling that Levi is outside, you open your eyes. Something is different about Erwin’s posture; he seems stiff and his expression indecipherable. "Oh, looks like that worked out for you then?" He questions, referencing Hange’s slip of the tongue earlier and offering a wistful smile.

"Yeah, I guess it did." You agree, biting back a grin. 

***

The night died down fast. Miche made sure Hange had more water and got into their bed without issue then retreated to his own room. Erwin has the couch, and you have the recliner, your usual arrangement for nights spent over. The music was silenced, the only light now coming from a single lamp on the side table keeping the room just lit enough for Levi. He paces between the living room and kitchen, picking up the last of the mess left behind from the night. Erwin hasn’t said much since coming back inside. You assume he's not feeling well and decide to leave him alone for the night, you could fill him in tomorrow. You spend your wind down time curled up on the chair, your eyes flicking between your phone and Levi as he moves around the room. "You always had a staring problem, now I know why." he teases.

 "Shut up" you roll your eyes at him, setting your phone down as he walks back towards you. 

"Let's go." He says as he yanks the blanket you were using off of you, tucking it under his arm. 

"Where?" You ask.

"My room, dumbass."

Taglist: @ackerbootytobbi @amywritesthings

[w2soneshots]

Blind date -W2S

words: 0.8k+

warnings: talk of past relationship and break up.

summary: Faith sets you and Harry up on a blind date, little did she know you already dated him years prior.

notes: hi my loves, I hope you’re having a lovely day/night. I apologise for the lack of posting recently, I’ve been so busy! But I absolutely love this idea. Enjoy!!🤗💘

Today I'm going on a blind date. I've never done anything like this before but it's been set up by one of my new friends Faith, who I trust not to pick a dickhead. I'm meeting him at an Italian restaurant that's just a ten minute walk from my apartment. I'm nervous but also quite excited.

I spent extra time getting ready and picking a cute outfit. Once I was finished I began the walk to the restaurant. I took a deep breath before walking inside. I'd arrived a little bit late so I assumed he'd already be there.

I looked around for a moment before my eyes landed on Harry, the boy I dated two years ago. It only lasted a few weeks and we were never actually official. We just wanted different things at the time so both decided to go our separate ways.

"Oh my fucking god." I muttered quietly to myself. I turned around, quickly pulling out my phone. "Surely this is just a coincidence?" I thought. I texted Faith to be sure. "Did you set me up with Harry Lewis?!" I asked, trying to remain calm. She replied quickly. "Yeah, he's Ethan's friend. Do you recognise him?" "We dated two years ago Faith! What do I do?" "Omg! Was it toxic?" "No, we just wanted different things." "Go talk to him then! Maybe this is meant to be." I recollected myself, maybe it is meant to be.

As I walked towards him I thought about how on earth I didn't know that Faith's boyfriend Ethan was also Harry's friend Ethan, who I hadn't actually met when we were together since we weren't that serious.

I knew Harry did youtube and Faith had told me that her boyfriend's name was Ethan but I obviously never connected the dots. I have also only known Faith for a few months and we met through a mutual friend so we haven't really discussed our personal lives properly.

Harry looked up and his eyes connected with mine. A look of pure shock and surprise spread across his face. He stood up, stumbling slightly. "Uh- I- y/n?" He stuttered. I chuckled nervously. "Hey, long time no see." His hand reached up to scratch the back of his neck. "Yeah... are you my date?" "I guess so. I'm friends with Faith."

He sat down and I sat opposite him. An awkward silence fell over us. "So- uh- how've you been?" He asked. "Pretty good. I officially live in London now." One of the reasons our relationship didn't work was that I lived to far away but last year I moved into my current apartment to be closer to work. "Oh, you do?" "Mhm, my apartments just ten minutes from here." I replied, fiddling with my hands under the table.

We ordered some drinks and the conversation started to flow. He told me about all of the major things that had happened in his life since I last saw him and we discussed his friendship with Ethan. When we were "together" we had pretty good chemistry, I was always laughing and smiling when I was around Harry and I was starting to feel the same things I felt two years ago as the date progressed.

While we ate our food we moved onto the topic of how on earth we ended up on a date together. "So Faith had no idea that you knew me before setting us up?" Harry asked before taking another bite of his pizza. "No, absolutely no clue." "That's... really strange." "I know, like out of all the people she could have chosen she picked you." "Did you ask her to set you up with someone?" He asked, head tilted slightly to the side. "Mhm. I asked if she knew anyone since the dating scene in London is really shit." He chuckled, "You're not wrong."

After eating our pizza we left the restaurant, just as the sun was setting. We stopped outside for a moment before I spoke. "Did you wanna come back to mine for a drink or something?" His eyes lit up slightly. "Yeah- yeah, I'd like that." I smiled. "Okay then, this way." I grabbed his hand absentmindedly.

"Uh- sorry." I apologised as soon as I realised what I'd just done. He smirked slightly. "Don't apologise." I looked up at him. His eyes flickered from my eyes to my lips. My breath caught in my throat and my heart rate sped up. "I haven't ever liked anyone as much as I like you." He admitted. "Like, as in present tense?" I questioned. He nodded slowly. "Having dinner with you today made me realise how much I missed you." My face softened. "I missed you too," I whispered.

"So would you be willing to give us another go? You know, now that you live in London?" He asked hopefully. I smiled. "I'd like that." He placed his hand on the back of my neck, slowly bringing me towards him until our lips were just millimetres apart. I pushed myself onto my tiptoes, closing the gap. We both fell into the kiss, my mind immediately taking me back to two years ago as I realised I'd never really gotten over Harry Lewis.

[yuan4i]

37. fool

your phone rang, waking you up. “hhhh yn, your phone’s been ringing for while now.” scara groaned, half asleep. “sorry.” you said, getting up and yawning.

caller id : AL HAITHAM

you were now fully awake. shit… you’ve been ignoring all his calls. you jumped out the bed, ran into your bathroom and answered the phone.

if you were honest, you haven't seen al haitham in such a weak state since the first year of high school… but him crying? that was something no one saw. not even his boyfriend; kaveh. now you started to wonder what led to making up so upset? did he and kaveh have a disagreement? why did he call you out of everyone? you threw on a hoodie, and leaned down to your roommate's sleeping body. “hey, scara. i’m going out for a little, i’ll be back soon.” you whispered, covering his bare back with the blanket he kicked off.

you then see a tall shadow, standing at a grave. “haitham?” “yn, you made it.” he looked at you, his eyes watery and avoiding looking at yours. “what happened…? was it kaveh?” “no, i just… i just i guess i missed my grandmother.” his grandmother…? oh. OH. the realization hit you. his grandmother probably passed while you were in liyue. that explains how he’s changed so much since you last saw him 2 years ago.

“my grandmother passed when you were in liyue’s med program. usually kaveh would help me with my feelings but he’s sleeping… i didn’t want to wake him up because he hasn’t slept in days.” he started. kaveh not sleeping? typical kaveh. “he stresses over all the little things, and when exams came up, he was studying non-stop. so i called you instead, i apologise for dumping all this on you.” his lips were now trembling.

normally people would be astonished by the amount of emotions he’s showing right now. he usually is seen as a cold and stoic man, but to you, he’s still the little boy that you fell in love with in middle school when you two haven't met kaveh. the quiet boy who would teach you how to press flowers, the kind boy who helped tutor you when you weren’t doing well in language class.

all of the emotions he was feeling somehow started to affect you too. your eyes also started tearing up, you felt like shit. you felt like shit because you weren't there to help him, your past closest friend, out on such a hard time. you were at a loss for words, you wanted to comfort him, but you didn’t know how or what to say. “haitham, i’m so sorry to hear that about your grandmother… i wish i was there for you…” you mumbled, pulling him in for a hug... his cheeks flushed.

CULT OF DIONYSUS ❀ prev ✿ masterlist ✿ next

al haitham x reader x kavehSYNOPSIS  kaveh, al haitham and you are close friends and went to the same high school. but after your junior year, you left them and sumeru behind for liyue’s 2 year med school exchange program. now you’re back in sumeru for a class reunion and attending sumeru akademiya.

[canirove]

Friends, lovers… and an orange | Chapter 15

Author's note: Big things happening in this week's chapters 👀

Previous chapter | Next chapter

Masterlist

“I don’t know if I’m going to be able to make it back to the villa, Mase. I ate so much…”

“I told you we should have taken the Vespa.”

“Yeah… Anyway, thank you for this.”

“You’re very welcome” he smiled before kissing her hand, that once again, was tangled with his. 

It was the day before Adele’s birthday, and since her parents had decided to throw a little party, Mason had planned to take her into town to eat together just the two of them one last time. And they had gone to one of their favourite places, the pizzeria they had loved so much all those years ago.

“Can we have some gelato?”

“Addie, are you still hungry?” Mason laughed.

“They say it is digestive, remember? And I need something to help me with it, look at my belly. It's as if I'm like 5 or 6 months pregnant.”

“What?” he chuckled.

“Look” she said, letting go of his hand and touching her stomach the same way pregnant women do. 

“Adele!” Mason laughed. 

“Do I look pregnant or not?”

“You look beautiful.”

“And pregnant” she repeated, trying to ignore how her cheeks were getting warm. “How should we call him?”

“What?”

“My food baby. He is yours, you were the one who took me to the pizzeria.”

“I mean… Since the baby was made at Gialunca’s pizzeria…”

“Gianluca. I like it. Say hello to your pizza son, Gianluca” Adele laughed.

“Hello” Mason smiled, caressing her belly as if there actually was a baby in there. When their eyes met, his hand still on her stomach, they found themselves smiling like two idiots. And then, a horrible sound was heard.

"Holy shit, Addie" Mason laughed. "I felt my hand vibrating!"

"I told you I needed something to help with my digestion. That sound isn't a good sign."

"Smelly Addie?" he smirked.

"That happened once!"

"That I know of…"

"Meh meh meh" she replied, rolling her eyes. "As if you didn't do it."

"I do, but mine smell like roses" he grinned.

"Ha!" 

"They do."

"Then next time you should bottle one and save it for your next perfume."

"Maybe I should. Good idea, Addie" Mason said before both of them bursted out laughing.

“Anyway, gelato?” Adele asked.

“Gelato” Mason smiled. 

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

"Elizabeth, you need to relax."

"How do you want me to relax when they've been lying to our faces for months?"

"Those photos may have been taken out of context."

"Toni, have you seen the same photos I have? You can't take that out of context!"

"It can happen. Or have you forgotten that you yourself went through something like this before your wedding?"

"This is different" Elizabeth said.

"How?"

"In my case it was just a bad angle on a red carpet. They were..."

"They are coming. Please behave" Toni said.

"I'll try" Elizabeth replied, taking a deep breath.

"Good morning, mum" Mason smiled, walking into the kitchen.

"Good morn..."

"Adele, are you pregnant?" her mum asked, not allowing her to finish her sentence.

"What?" her and Mason said at the same time.

"Are you pregnant, yes or no? It's a simple question."

"Of course not! Why are you asking me that, mum?" 

"Because of this" Elizabeth said, showing her her phone.

"What the fuck! Did your agency tell you about this? Did you know?" Adele asked Mason.

"I did not" he hissed, reading the headline. Mount-Turlington baby on their way! The couple was caught sharing some cute moments around the small baby bump while in Italy, where they are celebrating Adele's birthday with their families. 

"Anything else you would like to add?" Elizabeth asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I'm not pregnant, mum. We had been having lunch and I was joking about eating too much and having a food baby, nothing else!"

"Is that true, Mason?" Toni asked him.

"It is, mum. Adele and I haven't... You know" he said, his cheeks turning a dark shade of pink.

"They are telling the truth, Elizabeth. Look at his face."

"Are you dating?" she asked.

"You know we aren't, mum. We are just faking it so the paparazzis would leave us alone" Adele said.

"I'm not so sure of that anymore, tho. Because every time you share something online, I have more and more doubts about you telling us the truth."

"What?"

"She's right, you know?" Toni said. "The more we see you together, the more we all doubt about what you guys tell us. You do look like a couple, and not just online."

"I can't believe this" Adele laughed. "Yes, we are closer than before. But we are not dating, or sleeping together or having a baby. Tell them, Mase."

"We aren't" he whispered, his eyes fixed on the floor.

"See? Look at him! You are lying!" Elizabeth said, pointing at Mason. "Why can't you trust me, Adele? I thought we could tell everything to each other!"

"And we can!"

"Then stop lying and tell us the truth!"

"I already have!"

"No, you have not! You and Mason are together but don't want to admit it for whatever the reason!"

"Elizabeth..." Toni said, trying to calm her down.

"We are not dating!" Adele said.

"Liar!"

"Urgh!"

"Adele! Adele, where are you going?" Elizabeth yelled.

"Somewhere as away from you as I can!" she yelled back, leaving the kitchen.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

"Is this seat taken?"

"Mase" Adele said, wiping away a tear. "How did you find me?"

"I guess I know you too well" he chuckled, sitting down next to her. "How are you?"

"Angry, sad, hurt, and having the worst birthday ever. How did those paps find us?"

"I don't know. I texted my agency and they swore they didn't call them."

"And do you believe them?"

"I actually do, yes."

"Then how…"

"They believe someone may have recognized where we are through one of the photos we've shared, and tipped the press."

"And they had to find us yesterday when we were being silly" Adele sighed.

"And now you and your mum are angry with each other, and it's all my fault" Mason said.

"What?"

"It's all my fault, Addie. I should have said something else, but I..."

"My mum not believing us isn't your fault, Mason. It's hers. All those articles have gotten into her head."

"But I should have been more convincing."

"You were convincing."

"I wasn't, Addie. Anyone could tell I was lying. My mum noticed too."

"But you weren't lying, Mase. We aren't dating."

"We aren't, but..."

"But?"

"Remember what happened here, under this same tree, when we were sixteen?" 

"I came here to cry after an argument with my mum. Kind of like today" Adele chuckled. "You found me and we..."

"We kissed" Mason said. "You took it as a joke, as something I did to cheer you up. But it was different for me. That kiss is something I've been wanting to repeat many times since that day."

"You... You've wanted to kiss me?"

"Yes. I've wanted to kiss you, and hug you, and touch you and do all the things people in love do. Because I love you, Adele."

"You..."

"That's why your mum thinks we are lying. Because I can't hide my feelings for you anymore."

"I… you..." she mumbled.

"It's ok, don't worry. Since that first kiss I've known that you only see me as a friend, that you don't feel the same for me. And even though with everything that has been happening lately I've been getting my hopes up, thinking that maybe your feelings were changing, today you made it very clear that I was just fooling myself."

"Mase... Mase, look at me."

"I don't want you to see me like this."

"Look at me" Adele repeated, gently caressing his cheek until he moved his face to look at her. "You weren't fooling yourself" she said before kissing him.

The moment their lips touched, it was as if they had traveled back in time. As if they were again those two teenagers sitting under that same orange tree, Mason kissing her to make her feel better. Though this time, she was the one kissing him to make him feel better, to let him know that her feelings for him had changed, that she felt the same he did. 

And this time, their kiss wasn't an awkward or clumsy one. This time both of them knew what they were doing, and they wanted more of it. 

Without noticing it, Adele had moved and was now straddling him, Mason's hands moving up and down her thighs while they kept kissing as if they needed the other to breathe. 

"Addie" Mason gasped when she started to kiss his neck, his hands grabbing her butt and pulling her closer towards him. "Fuck, Addie" he grunted when she moved her hips against him before kissing him again.

Now they were doing it with even more passion, Mason's hands on her hips, helping her move them against him.

"Mase" she heard herself moaning, that sound making them both stop to catch their breaths. 

"Addie, what are we doing?" he asked, resting his forehead on hers.

"I'm not sure" she replied. "But I know I don't want to stop."

"Neither do I" Mason said, meeting her eyes.

"Should we go inside?"

"Your room or mine?" he chuckled.

"Yours is closer" she smiled, caressing his cheek one last time before getting up and running to his room. 

Once there, they were kissing again, and it didn't take them too long until they were just in their underwear, Adele pushing Mason against the bed and moving to be on top of him. 

"Addie..." he moaned when she started to move her hips against him once again, kissing him everywhere. 

"That feels good, doesn't it?" she said against his neck, the feeling making him gasp.

"So good. But it would feel even better if I was inside you.”

"Did you bring protection?"

"Always. It's in my bag in the bathroom."

"Good boy" she smirked before leaving the bed. "We already have enough with one fake baby."

[youchangedmedestiel]

As promised I said I'll give you fic recs to celebrate the fact that I have more than 100 followers now. Again, thanks a lot! This makes me happy! :)

So now, here's my gift to you:

Every fucking fic by xylodemon

The writing is always perfect! I'm not kidding, this is my favorite writer so far! I've never been disappointed by their fics. NEVER! I haven't finish to read all of them but I certainly attend to.

Fics written by deancaskiss

If you like reading about Cas and Dean "just" kissing, then you should try reading those, if you haven't done it yet. I haven't read all of them yet, I read only around 10 fics for now, but same I'll attend to read more.

Then, more specifically:

Blackberries Wild by SaltyWords (agent4hire22) Angst, Love Confessions, First Kiss, Canon divergent after 13x12, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, brief mention of suicidal ideation - around 2500 words

This is so well written, the descriptions are everything, especially the ones for the kisses. It could totally happened like that. It's very true to their character if you ask me.

a kiss for every season (literally) by sobsicles and it is also available as a podfic here read by Scintillating Gatria (LadyLoralye) Canon typical level of violence, Canon Compliant, Brief Dean Winchester/Benny Lafitte - Freeform, Angst with a Happy Ending, Kisses, Smut - around 22000 words

The title says it all, a kiss between Cas and Dean happens every season and since there's never enough kisses between these two, that fic is therefore perfect.

People Who Are Good Like Pie by sobsicles Blowjob, NSFW, Castiel is a Little Shit, Dean is In Over His Head, Flustered Dean, Confused Dean, Creatively ties eating pie into sex, Sounds disgusting but it's really not I promise, it's hilarious, fluff and porn - around 1800 words

And it is indeed hilarious imo as well as very hot. It's short and easy to read, really different from the above. But it's human!cas and I'm weak for him in a sense that there is so much potential with him in a fic and that I love him.

You and I Know the Way by aishitara Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Post-Series, Canon Compliant through 15x18, Fluff, a smidgen of angst, PWP, Porn with Feelings, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Mentions of Blood, Mild Hurt/Comfort - around 4300 words

There is human!cas in there too, so yeah I'm sold. Plus some amazing, beautiful, stunning art from winchester-reload is included in the fic so it's even more perfect. This is smut yes, but, BUT you can really see all the love there is between them and that fucks me up. That's the type of porn that makes me cry. I never thought I could say that about porn one day. But maybe it's because it isn't, this is just LOVE!

Humans Do It Better by Hatteress Episode: s06e10 Caged Heat (Supernatural), Excessive Drinking, Light Angst, First Kiss, Second more heated kiss, Kinda Funny.

I invented the tags here because it isn't on AO3. I need to mention this fic because it was like one of the first fics I read. It was more than a year ago and I still remember it. Maybe because I wished it had a next FUCKING chapter. I want to read more about it. I want to see what happened when they meet again later. I want to see what's going on in Dean's mind the next morning when he realized what he did, thinking about how he corrupted a fucking angel. Feeling guilty about it because it's Dean. I - I, maybe I'll fucking write this second chapter one day. But I don't know if it's a thing, you know, writing a sequel to someone else's fic.

Anyway, I hope you'll like reading those if it's not already done. I for sure have more fics to recommend but I have to save some for the 200 followers I guess lmao. One can dream.

BUT if you need specific fics, like from an episode in particular for example, you can still ask me because I sort them by episode tag too.

[sserajeans]

you are in love | bonus 1. BHB, be honest bro! (written)

note: the convo happens when minyn r in the plane, so it's dialogue-focused with not much action involved

"so..."

"so what?"

"how are you and...?"

"minji..."

"i'm just checking on you! the aquatic games is enough on your plate, i'd rather talk about the fun stuff."

"fine fine. i've been having a lot of fun with her lately. like the past month has always just been practice, so the dates at the end of the week was stuff i could look forward to."

"that's so sweet why are you guys so sweet i feel sick to my stomach like no wo-"

"I KNOW!! dani's the sweetest... she really thought everything out. she makes me forget about morning practice the next day. she even brought breakfast in a little container one time when i was texting her about being especially hungry after practice."

"oh wow... you lucked out so hard... aren't you two supposed to be unlabeled too?"

"...yeah."

"she's so gonna step up her game when she asks."

"i can't think about it. she's way too good for me."

"what do you mean?"

"it's just... i can tell she's into it more than i am? and i feel like shit, being okay with just receiving all of it and not giving the same amount. and i'm scared that when she does ask me i still won't be in a place to truthfully say yes."

"well... let's not dive too deep, let's start with... maybe what's holding you back? from giving her that energy, i mean."

"well if you say it like that it just sounds like i've been treating her like ass. which i haven't! i really do try my best and everything, it's just.."

"just...?"

"i don't think my best for her is on the same level as her best for me."

"okay... well i think i'm beginning to see it. so let me rephrase, what's keeping you from reaching that level?"

"i... i don't really... know?"

"give it some time."

"wow you're really digging into the psychologist role huh?"

"doesn't it help you with mushing out your emotions or what?"

"...fine. let me think."

"sure."

"..."

"..."

"i think..."

"...you think?"

"i don't want to give her an insincere show of affection."

"so i'm guessing... you would rather be upfront with how much you feel and how you show it?"

"right, yeah."

"and?"

"and i guess there is something that holds me back from feeling that much for her."

"like?"

"i don't know? swim? that's all i can think about these days."

"well yeah, but you've been stressing over swim every season."

"that's true i guess, but also it's senior year. my performance this year determines whether i get to go to college as a national team member or not. anyways, give me more time to think?"

"sure."

"..."

"..."

"...this is hard."

"is it pham?"

"what?"

"is it pham? that's holding you back from feeling anything more."

"no? what? how did you even get to her?"

"in full honesty i didn't think much of it, but ever since that girl in class asked if you two were dating i was beginning to see dots i could connect."

"literally what dots. there are no dots to connect."

"call me insane-"

"you're insane."

"-but it made sense, okay? you liked her-"

"-in freshman year!"

"and i don't think she likes you and dani hanging out."

"what? that's stupid, what makes you think that?"

"well she says it's about her best friend hanging out with the group less, especially since it's senior year now and all."

"well yeah i'd get that but... she's never mentioned this when i went out with like leehan and the rest?"

"nah it's more of how you got a girl now."

"oh..."

"yeah."

"what if she just likes dani? it makes a lot more sense than this theory of yours where she likes her literal childhood best friend who she, by the way, more or less rejected 5 years ago."

"i don't know y/n, this past month has been weird. she's the reason you haven't died from the allergy attack and the reason you have your swim cap, you know that right?"

"what about the swim cap?"

"forced me to come with her and help you in person. at like the crack ass of night."

"okay but you were probably just binging something on the tv."

"my point exactly! she cut off my relaxing time."

"you're unbelievable."

"well yes, but anyways, my hunches on these are almost always right. remember when i told you i felt like you'd win gold for the 100m fly category in last year's regional event?"

"yeah."

"and you did win, didn't you?"

"i did."

"there you go. the only problem here is hanni is still fully convinced she's straight."

"and that i don't like her anymore? and that i'm literally going out with someone else?"

"yeah whatever, sure you don't."

"i'm being for real."

"if you're being for real... let me in your private account."

"...what."

"come on! you let wonyoung in it!"

"i was going through a crisis back in 10th when backyardigans were distant 'cause jiwoo was a brooding teenager! plus, i kicked her when i started going out with dani."

"be honest bro!"

"fine!"

masterlist. next.

taglist: @yyeonmis @lostamoeba @jisooftme @yoontoonwhs @awkwardtoafault @kvnii @lcv3lies @limbforalimb @spritin @kaypanaq @i06kkura @manooffline @kimsgayness @justme-idle @jenaissantex @mightymyo @sewiouslyz @txtbrainrot @li0ilthecxnt @captivq @paranoxic @sofakingwoso @daniellobers @pandafuriosa60 @haerinkisser @staryujinnie @wowowowcake @lesleepyyy @haechansbbg @rosiehrs @jiwoneiric @blue4hour

[inconmess]

I've been building up this post for quite a while so I think everything in this post is kinda out of order and looks like a bit of a big word vomit... So sorry in advance. Also since it is kinda longer than I realise, I am putting it under the cut. And I am open to any discussion.

(Personally think I may have gotten a few things wrong and if so, please correct me?)

I think the thing about Orym and grief is... A part of him has never let himself grieve his loss properly. He has accepted that they are dead and will never come back, yes. He makes it a point to live up to them everyday, yes. But acceptance is not the same as grief, it is a part of it but not the same.

And this was an interesting discussion I was having with my friends and I feel that it strikes so true here, is the fact that you remember the worst moments of your life more vividly than the happiest moments because in your happy moments, you don't question what happened to you as much as you question your worst moments in life.

And Orym has lived with that question for six years. Now, the same could be said to Ashton and Imogen and Fearne and the rest of the Bells Hells really but as pointed out in this post by @caeslxys. (a really good pot btw) Even though the others have had their questions as to why a particular bad incident happened, Orym has had the shortest time to actually cope with it while for the others, it has been years at this point and maybe they have sort of come to peace with most of their shit before it came back to hit them in their face. And for some, it just hit them recently.

And for Orym the question of "Why?" resurfaces again and again the more he seeks out answers and when he does get the answer... I don't think anyone would really love to learn that the two most important people in their lives were dead because "it was just collateral damage. They didn't really have to die but they did." Not when you were having a happy, peaceful life. They signed up for this, yes. But it is also not fair to have your whole life cut short just because a big shot wants to test a theory.

And I am not trying to say that Orym bringing up his losses every time they have a discussion about the Vanguard is right or wrong because he has every right to and may be wrong at the same time because he is biased. Because at this point, he is very biased.

Apart from what I mentioned above, Orym watched Otohan kill his husband and father. He fought Otohan again and this time lost his life, Fearne and Laudna. He fights Otohan again and nearly loses Keyleth. Fights Otohan again a fourth time and knows that there would've been more losses if FCG hadn't sacrificed themselves. Not to forget Otohan killing Eshteross, something I think Orym internally blames himself for because she read his mind for the information. And even if Otohan is now dead, the loss stays.

I also think that seeing Will when he died had more of a personal impact than he realised because I know while seeing the dead person can sometimes bring some comfort, at the same time, when you are trying to live up to them, trying to answer questions that are just beyond you when you really haven't had the chance to completely grieve and accept, the grief possibly just hits you more.

SO while the Hells have had their personal losses with the Vanguard and Otohan, I think Orym has had the longest beef with the group among them all. He didn't know about the Vanguard 6 years ago, yes. He discovered their name along with the rest of the Hells. But loss wise, Orym was the first of the lot to suffer due to the Vanguard.

This is not me trying to put an exact scale or measurement of the loss cuz it is intangible and stuff. But he's been dealing with it for 6 years. Maybe not for harbouring revenge, but the resentment hasn't completely gone but rather festered the more he seeked answers. So he is going to be extra jaded.

But not to forget the fact that up until Bordor, he did try to see the Vanguard's point too, still kinda does (the locket he took from a Vanguard member as a reminder) but I think by the time of Bordor's betrayal, he's had too many losses with the Vanguard to actually care of their point of view because all he's seen of their group is innocent people getting killed or almost killed for no reason at all.

Bordor's beef as a person from the Vanguard had been against Laudna, Orym and Ashton but he still nearly killed Prism and would've probably marked it off as collateral if she'd died. Dropping off the locket with Bordor doesn't mean that he left all his empathy but at the same time, like he mentions, they are at war. And war doesn't really discriminate amongst people. It just takes.

Like he said to Imogen, I think he still tries to believe the Vanguard can have some people who are good and not all of them are evil but all he's know from the Vanguard at this point is loss and Liliana's blind faith towards Ludinus or Predathos doesn't help.

So back to the recent episode.

Do I think that it is wrong for Orym to bring up to Liliana about his dead family as an answer to her response. No. Do I think it was a wrong time to bring it up? Maybe. Because Liliana was not being confrontational but Orym was turning confrontational the more the discussion happened.

But the thing about Orym saying it to her face is that... It is one thing to know that there have been deaths and even if Liliana didn't directly cause it, she was a part of the group that did and brush it off as collateral damage. And no one does a census or survey post the "collateral damage" on how it affects the other person because now, they have what they want to there is no use to go back there.

And Orym is kinda like that mirror which is like... "SO you had a loss because of the gods and now are going around leaving collateral damage you want to fix stuff? Guess what? Your collateral damage was my life that you just uprooted just like the gods/god people did yours, so are you really any different from the people you hate and the change you want to bring about?" (which is kinda the parallel between Orym and Bordor I find really interesting because this is a cycle that is never ending at the end of the day)

And did Orym need that outlet? Hells yeah. GIVE THAT MAN A HUG!

[angryschnauzer]

I realised two months have gone by since i last updated you all, i'm not even sure if anyone is interested anymore. I know i haven't been on much, perhaps sporadically coming on and mindlessly reblogging Henry stuff just for a little escape, but its intermittent at best. I had hoped to be back to writing by now, but life is still a huge pile of shit.

I'm run ragged trying to pay the bills. My wedding decorations business is halfway between slow and dead; the cost of living crisis means weddings aren't really happening, and if they are most of the items i do people are making themselves. My side gig in ebay flipping is quiet too but at least its trickling by. I don't mention this much as people get a lot of abuse over 'thrift store flippers' (Charity Shop resellers here in the UK), but right now its what's keeping my family fed. I buy clothing for £1 from the stinky dregs bin in a charity shop, wash it, mend it, resell it for £4. I'm not making millions or even thousands. I'm lucky if i'm bringing in £150 a week which barely covers our weekly food shop. Its draining that when i do eventually mention this to my friends they immediately start moaning at me that i'm the one 'ruining' charity shops and why its pushing the prices up. But when i calmly tell them its that or i don't eat they go quiet. I'm not the one pushing a 2nd hand coat for £25 which was only £20 brand new which most high street charity shops are doing. Do i like doing this? No. Do i have to? Yes. Because i sure as ain't cute enough for onlyfans.

But the majority of my time over the last couple of months has been spent caring for our son. He's 8 and has type 1 diabetes, and since school started back in September one little shit in his class has spent every waking moment bullying him. This little shit has been stabbing my son with pencils, poking him in the kidneys with whatever he has to hand, laughing and sneering at him at every opportunity even when he's just walking past. Having the adrenaline and cortisol in my son's bloodstream affects how his insulin works, and he builds up an insulin resistance because of all the other hormones in his bloodstream. I've had so many meetings with the school, and have had to get the board of governors involved because when your 8 year old kid says quietly to you "It would be better if i wasn't alive as then *Little Shit* wouldn't be able to bully me" your heart breaks into pieces.

He needs my support more than anything, so every single other thing has been put by the wayside. And its tough. He acts out at home, messes around with his dinner because he feels he needs to be able to control something, but that in turn messes up insulin dosing so i'm spending half the night dealing with highs and lows for his blood sugars. I get at most 5 hours sleep a night.

I have no more energy left. I'm not eating, because i just can't stomach it. I'm 43 and hitting menopause, but my doctor doesn't want to know because "You just need to loose some weight" (don't get be started on fat bias from the NHS).

So i'm filling my time with volunteering at school so i can be 'around' for my Little Dude. He knows that if he's having an awful day, he will find me in the office sorting through paperwork for our next fundraiser. Its not what i want to be doing, but its what i need to be doing.

One day i hope to get back to my writing. I miss being creative and i hate that i have so many stories part written/published. As the months tick by i actually end up seeing stories written by others that have the same characters/plotlines. This is no-ones fault that two stories exist on the same synopsis, it would just seem that they and I have taken the same inspiration from media at some point. But it makes me scared that if i now publish a story i started 2 years ago, i'll be accused of stealing an idea. I don't know what to do. So i just leave my WIP folder abandoned.

For everyone that has stayed with me thank you. For those that have moved onto pastures new, i wish you well and hold no malice.

I do love you all

Mama Schnauz

x

[elektrischemaidchen]

Lisztober #15: Hymn to the moon

You want Liszt x Chopin Thirst? Here we go! So, according to your poll result, we're going back to where we all originally came from. And that feels soooo good. :)

This song was originally based on the famous-infamous story about Mary Pleyel, who got hooked up  by Franz in Chopin's flat, while Chip-Chip was travelling. And how fitting that @dinapiss posted this great fanart a few days ago...really at the same time I was listening to a German podcast, ‘Klassik für Klugscheisser’, in which the two presenters asked to tell them exactly what traces of this night of love Chopin had found in his flat (I mean... come on,...it certainly wasn't a garter, you little unspoilt snowflakes.)

In our song, Franz thinks of Chopin while Pleyel (or an unknown girl, you decide) sleeps besides him, after a long night of… well...  I also liked the idea of the sun and the moon so much that I just took it a step further, @chopinski-official

But this time we didn't want to write another sexy-hexy-funny-funny-piece, we tried to convey a real desperate desire. Besides, I've definitely been listening to too much ‘Empires’ by Ari Mason in the last few weeks (Damn, so good, I really wish it was ours).

So, let's lie down next to @franzliszt-official again and see what happens. Morning already has begun. ;)

Comfy squad! Honestly, guys, it's been a rocky road to get here. Not that I haven't enjoyed the last few days (my colleagues only partially, who cares.) And now a lot of cudos to you!

We love all your fanart, your fanfiction, your RPG chats...everything, it's the real shit. That's why we're here on tumblr. And while the other social media world out there - just like the real world - sinks into agitation and disgust, the world here is like warm bunny slippers on a grey rainy day with a little rainbow breaking through. I've had my main profile here for over 10 years and it has really saved me through some madness (but also plunged me into another) This is written to you with love by a group of reallife Tina Belchers,  and (former?) cosplayers. <3

Her wet sweat Still sticks to my chest The scratches on my arms The marks of her lust She holds An empty glass Clutched, tight in her hand And while she sleeps The moonlight paints Long shadows on the wall And I ask myself Can you sleep Wherever you are While my longing Eats my soul? When will we meet again? I, the sun You, the moon Which is so calm and thoughtful Enthroned above all Enthroned above all She stood in your shirt Smiling in the doorway She has A very strange... Intuition for desire Her perfume hangs so piercing In the air of the room But I  search inside the pillows Desperately for your scent She has long since forgiven me That I aspirated your name I can't remember hers Just wanted to escape the loneliness Our lips met Like two drowning persons There's fire in her cheeks But her thighs are so pale When shall we meet again? I,the sun You, the moon Which is so calm and thoughtful Enthroned above all Enthroned above all Your fingers roam aimlessly Over my belly The flavour of her mouth Heavy with wine and smoke My breath in her hair I caressed her back God, please damn me And her own pleasures delight The days go by so Quickly The nights, they are empty And in the far distance Don’t  you know What I am missing? When will we meet again? I, the sun You, the moon Which is so calm and thoughtful Enthroned above all Enthroned above all She said can be for me Whatever I want And I, I secretly wish She'd finally be quiet And she asks After she just woke up Did you miss me And I nod Even though it's the biggest lie Of all...

[aimwigs]

hey I've been listening to the yard for about a year and a half and I want to get more into it ifywim do I just start watching old vods to catch up or is there any content u can recommend as a baseline must-watch

this is by no means a comprehensive list because i've only really been watching the yard since dec 2022 and my 2021 stint in lud viewing was brief and casual (didn't know what i had) but it is a fucking long list so i'll keep it under the cut. included stuff that maybe i wouldn't classify as a must watch but i wanted to include it so you can pick and choose what interests you

PODCASTS - I know for a fact there are other podcast appearances out there that I don't know of but here are a few:

the yard x wine about it - it's just the four of them and qt which means good times! this is an essential imo

there are a few eps of fear& that they appear on! specifically rec the ep with nick and aiden and the ep with ludwig and aiden. there are also a few eps with ludwig and slime (not at the same time) if you're interested in those

i've watched aiden on three different interview podcasts all are worth a watch to me: karat interview, across the bar, and good griefed (audio a little scuffed on this one but it's cute)

fucking loved nick's ep of across the bar because his outlook on creativity is super relatable to me. he also did something with safety third that i've been meaning to watch but haven't yet!

VIDEOS AND STREAMS - there's a lot here but i'll try to describe what's what

mogul money ft the yard - this is the full vod, there's also a cut down video. extremely fun watch

nick was also on mogul money live (first game specifically) and he and aiden appear in the bts video a little bit

qt posted vlogs from italy! they're all fun watches and there's some good moments. one, two, three, four

qt and aiden halloween gingerbread house video. ludwig and aiden kiss in this one. i think the full vod is in god's hands unfortunately

qt and aiden make shit in an ezbake oven and make the guys eat it. fun little video. idk if the vod is out there somewhere or not

there's a cut down version of this too but the full stream of qt having all the guys do a gingerbread house competition is very peak

lud did a shit load of taste test videos with the guys for a slim jim sponsor. this might not be all of them but here are the ones i cold find off rip (fruit, cheese, chocolate, water, steak)

ludwig has done a shitload of ylyl streams with slime that you can find and honestly i have a horrible mediashare allergy so i haven't watched a lot of them but i have watched the one they did with aiden and the one with everyone but idk where the full vod is for the latter

from ludwig's fortnite mondays, there was a week where slime and nick played with jerma and sapnap. idk if any of the others posted the vod but here's sapnap's

the subathon has a shitload of stuff that i can't even begin to link but if you want the experience of the dcom series without subbing to tier 2 they watched the truman show starting about an hour thirty into this vod, tho it takes a hot minute to get everything lined up with the time stamps

halloween po unboxing where them + qt dress up as characters from scooby doo. nick looks frankly obscene as velma this is a great vod

how many flashlights does it take to cook an egg is exactly what it sounds like. it's lud slime and nick ft a little bit of yingo

they play the family feud game together in these two vods: just them and against miz/otk (can't stand miz but it was still good)

RECENT STUFF - aka stuff you probably know about or have seen because you've been around a year and a half but i figured i'd include them anyway since they happened off the pod

two months ago they all played fortnite on lud's stream and it was awesome

both the show matches of the ludwig tarik invitationals are worth watching if you're into valo! the first one is team mogul v otv and they're split up in the second. if the timestamps are broken it's 2h30 in both vods

the rivals 2 tournament is fun! i don't understand shit about fighting games but i love to see the boys play

cdawgva ski vod with lud and aiden from the japan trip! there's also a cut down version of youtube but i found it a fun watch

recency bias alert: they all played in creator dodgeball

the qt and aiden winter cocktail tierlist stream was so good like genuinely a stream of all time to me. ludwig hangs around for parts of it

the yard doing the dougdoug fast food challenge is a MUST WATCH! they celebrate and they suffer what could be more beautiful

otv's fear pong video with them is so fucking good. SO GOOD!

and finally i guess i should mention beerio because it just happened LOL

[becauseimanicequeen]

I've been busy painting lately and haven't had the time to write much about the stuff I've watched or answer the asks that have appeared in my inbox. So I thought I would gather some of it in one post. Let's go!

Why am I Watching QLs at 30+?

Let's get the shit out of the way first because I have better things to do than to focus on ridiculous shit (unless it's a show that entertains the fuck out of me by being ridiculous). But, since this is an opportunity for me to (hopefully) broaden the perspective of this particular Anon, I will take it now that I have some spare time.

To give some context: This ask dropped into my inbox during the Olympics (when I was busy having fun watching gymnasts be superhuman and swimmers in their 30s winning gold medals rather than answering asks), where an Anon asked me why I, a grown-ass 30+-year-old person, participated in the BL space and said it was embarrassing, blah blah blah.

Short answer: I didn't know people stopped being queer at 30...

Longer answer: I've intuitively known I'm queer since I was a teenager. It's just that I had to focus on surviving my teens and twenties (mostly due to grief that kept piling on) rather than exploring who I was.

I didn't find the opportunity, time, and space to go inward until the pandemic when my depression released some of its hold on me (I know that sounds weird given the global situation at the time, but that was my personal experience during 2020-2022). Then, when I found the Asian QL world about 14 months ago, I started to understand myself even more. I've learned more about myself in 14 months than the two decades before that.

The core of what I'm saying here is that not everyone realizes they're queer in their teens. And no matter what age someone is, we all deserve to see stories we can relate to. The QLs I've seen have given me so much, even the bad ones (and especially the very bad ones, lmao). I'm sure there are others out there with the same experience.

BLs/GLs/QLs don't have an upper age limit. Got it? Great. Moving on...

What Happened to My Color Posts?

Another Anon sent me an ask about my color posts a week ago, asking me why I wasn't writing them anymore and if I'll be writing more of them again.

The honest answer is that I'm busy using color (painting) rather than writing about them.

I'm currently working on a project with some other artist friends and paint around 8-10 hours/day 5-6 days/week (at least at the moment). The project won't be done until sometime during April next year, and I'm loving it here.

Will I write about color again? Sure. If I get the time and feel like it. But, at the moment, I don't have anything I feel like writing about and I would rather just throw color (paint) on canvases instead.

What I'm Currently Watching

Another Anon asked me what I was currently watching since my tumblr seemed to only be filled with 4 Minutes (which clearly showed my obsession with that show, lol), and which of those shows was my current favorite (excluding 4 Minutes).

I'm basically watching these shows, minus the ones that have ended (4 Minutes, Happy of the End, I Hear the Sunspots, The On1y One, Seoul Blues, and The Trainee), and plus Bad Guy My Boss (Thailand), Jack & Joker (Thailand) and Love is a Poison (Japan).

On paper, I should devour Jack & Joker, crumbs and all. Also on paper, Bad Guy My Boss and Live in Love should only be an entertaining escape for me to turn off my brain.

I guess I'm in some weird kind of mood at the moment because it's the complete opposite. Jack & Joker is an entertaining escape, but I'm so deep into Bad Guy My Boss and Live in Love that Sunday has become my favorite day of the week (because I get both of them on Sundays).

I'm sure I'll get more into J&J when I get more Zorzo, though. I'm just surprised about my own chill reaction to it.

Anyway...

Other than those shows, I have to mention First Note of Love (Taiwan) which is amazing. I've got Charles Tu on my screen every week (which makes me suuuuper happy), Michael Chang is amazing, James and Liu Min Ting are amazing, Kaia Lee and Amanda Liu are even more amazing, and Mos and Bank have made cameos as themselves in two episodes. And I haven't even mentioned how great the music and the story is! (Btw, I've listened to the theme song about 100 times already.)

Then there's obviously I Saw You In My Dream (Thailand) and Monster Next Door (Thailand) as well. I would write posts upon posts about these if I had the time (which I don't).

Let me just say that I'm so happy I jumped into I Saw You In My Dream even though I started watching it for a ridiculous reason. The chemistry between the four boys is amazing as well. I definitely get the sense that these characters have known each other and been friends for years, and I love how that could develop into something more for them.

And Monster Next Door is making me love an introvert and an extrovert so much at the same time that the previous episode personally attacked me from several directions.

(Btw, I intentionally told myself to not go to this show's page on MDL because this world built for extroverts is waaay too harsh on the judgments of introverted characters. You won't find that bullshit here, though, I promise.)

As an 80%+ introvert (which I've been every time I've retaken the test in the past decade or so) who can pass off as an extrovert since I'm often around a lot of people (more often than I would like because it drains my energy), I love Diew soooo much. He's such a down-to-earth boy who knows his boundaries (a lot better than I do anyway, lol), and, yet, he agrees to go and play basketball with God and his friends because he wants to spend more time with his boyfriend. It's too bad that Dr. Asshole got to God first, though.

(Dr. Asshole should just focus on healing animals rather than interacting with humans, tbh, but, I digress...)

I just hope God realizes the story he's made up in his head about Diew and Dr. Asshole is just that, a story he's made up in his head. Their communication has been great so far and I'm sure they will solve it soon enough. That doesn't mean seeing God so sad and seeing how badly Diew was treated in the past (by his then-boyfriend, Dr. Asshole) hurt any less, though.

Anyway, that's all I have for now.

*signing off to throw paint at a new canvas because I can't wait until tomorrow...*

[thehighladywrites]

pregnant anon here! i have a long ass storytime for you. so i literally didn't have pregnancy symptoms except for my tits being sore and my back hurting. (same symptoms i get on my period.) i'm assuming it's just my period, y'know? so me and the guy i'm fucking (let's use a made up name like noah.) we're cool. we are actually together! so we've been uh doing this down low for a while.

and we recently decided to actually start dating, but we decided to not tell the other people at our office. (two doctors coming out of no where and saying "oh yeah we're together!" would cause people's heads to blow off.) so four weeks ago, i'm like "oh i haven't got my period." which is weird, because i'm ALWAYS regular. it's always right on the dot. but i'm stupid and i'm like, "oh yeah it's fine."

so, i was at my yearly doctor's appointment, and they make me do a pregnancy test (they do this every year since i was 18.) and i'm thinking nothing of it. then my doctor says, "so did you know you were pregnant?" holy shit!! i'm not surprised that i got pregnant, really. (noah and i went to Paris during the Olympics.) they call it the "city of love" for a reason...

okay, so later that day was date night. i'm panicked. we haven't been together that long. i'm more worried for my kid. noah is a good man and wouldn't leave us, it's just i really don't want this kid to be growing up with separated parents.

i bought this mini baby onesie and put it into a box with a pregnancy test and hand it to him during dinner. (i'm terrified, don't get me wrong.) he's quiet for a minute, but i'm already sobbing. he just gets up, hugs me, and tells me it's going to be okay. we spend the rest of the night talking about everything for the baby.

he's a super great guy, he's been so good to me, and he's more than a hook up. so, i'm going to move into his house and we'll see how it goes from there. <3

--sorry if this was so long! we haven't told my sister yet or his brothers yet, and i'm dying to talk to someone! so, what do you think?

LOVE YOUU GIRL.

hi girlle!!!

first of all that was such a cute story, i love that you guys are together and that it’s a happy little story 💗💗 some baby daddies are shitty and you seem to have scored so im so happy on hour behalf. I think still be careful and protect yourself/ know your rights if anything happens💗🙏🏽

[astrofhobia]

It's like, my suicidal tendencies are going to come back at some point.

Bro, September is almost over and you don't know how terrified I am about that. It's like, I've been avoiding all the bad stuff since August and it's all going to come back like an avalanche of snow.

I mean, we're fine, really, but I have this terrible fear, this feeling that my chest is just tightening and it hurts so much, I also feel like they are just sticking needles all over my chest.

It's probably mental pain, I don't know. But I don't feel ready to face everything that's coming. Because, I've been feeling terrible for a year or two, that's true, I guess the stress caught up with me a long time ago. (Remembering what happened a few weeks ago yeahh 🗣️💥)

And I really think I damaged my brain very quickly because I feel such a terrible aversion to trying everything again. I really don't want to do it. I don't feel capable of doing it.

I mean, we had everything at the time. Dude, I took an exam at one of the best schools in my fucking country. I passed it and got into the course I wanted. My reward? I almost committed suicide.

Well, that's not really the main reason for that, so many bad things happened in such a short time that I couldn't even think of a solution to those problems. And it's like an avalanche of snow that just keeps getting bigger day after day. It still does, but I haven't really given a shit about it for a long time.

But really, I should start caring already. October will be a bad month and the next few months too. Probably, October will be bad and January the worst if I'm right.

I want to cry because I really don't want to feel completely worthless like that again. I felt worthless just a short time ago. I mean, I'm not someone amazing or someone who should be applauded but I was helpful, I was useful.

Bad things happen very often, in my social circle, in my family. Pretty stressful things. But that's okay, there are people who have it worse and don't seek to take their lives.

I'm not really a child. But I feel like one, really, I wish I was treated like a simple child. But I'm not.

October is a very busy month, really, and I think, I just think that the stress I'm going to receive from one day to the next will be very bad.

Very very bad.

But I can't really stop time. Things have to happen sooner or later.

I have two options: either I just wipe those tears and do my fucking job once and for all, or I kill myself.

Now that I think about it, there are a lot of ways to die here, pretty stupid now that I think about it, it would be fun to hear on the news how a teenager died in the most xd possible ways.

Let's not think about that now. I really shouldn't think about that now.

I mean, it's there as an option and it's not going to go away until I'm 30 or something.

We're going to try to deal with this, it's going to be horrible, my mental health is going to go back to the bottom like before, it will probably be painful. But I can't do anything else. I'm not really the one who decides things here.

I never really decided anything, I didn't even decide where I wanted to study, I simply listened to my mother since she told me that this was a school at my level and that it would open many doors for me.

One day when I was practically drowning in my tears she told me that she only insisted that I go there because where the school is benefited her and she could ask me for favors since "You're already there."

She also had a big influence on what I was supposed to study, since, she says, she does not want to make the same mistake with my sister who studied arts.

My sister actually has a good job, it's not related to what she studied but she likes it. Of course, my mom doesn't.

I mean, really studying arts isn't something that appeals to me. But having "studied" programming was terrible. I never understood anything.

And it's horrible because I no longer know where I should study or what I want to do with my life since my mother's life plan failed very quickly.

But it's okay, she has her reasons. I love her.

I guess I have to think about what the hell to do with my life right now and I feel terrible anxiety about it.

Where can I get a gun, USA? 🤩

It's a bad joke, sorry.

[bookishtheaterlover7]

Hello, Fabulous Fans of the Fandom!!! It has definitely been a hot second.

Didn't post anything about their posts, and Pap walks, for the reason that I'm pretty sure they're getting ideas from rant posts like mine... Didn't want them getting more ideas, so no rant post.

But today, I'm making an exception. 😉

Before we begin though, 👸 wants to give y'all a small warning ⚠️

To start, let's look at this photo...

Is that who we think it is?

Is it?

Is it?

Nah, I'm just kidding. Don't worry if you thought it was Albitch, trust me, you weren't the only one 😆

Thank you, 👸 for handing me these screenshots 😁

"Funny how, Kim Kardashian's nudes made her famous. But when AB did it, to try and get attention, we constantly mock her for it."-👸

Girl! You've got a point 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Now that I have your attention, let's get to my main topic...

WTF has been happening lately?!?!

Well, for one thing, I know we're all tense one way or another about Valentine's Day. Since aside from being the most romantic day of the year, it's also the anniversary of the dreaded VDay photo dump.

And then there's the uterus-obssesed trolls from her side, expecting a baby announcement... Fuck y'all, by the way 🖕 which made me more tense about February 14.

But what happens a few hours before February 14 American time? Chris posts an adorable video about Dodger instead.

Still, that didn't help alleviate the tension. Because Dodger might help a little, but he's been used before, and it most definitely wasn't fun.

But then, it turns out Albitch isn't even in the same country. She flew to France with a bunch of friends. Friends who were seen to be posting to their boyfriends, saying how they missed them.

But why is Albitch's trip so important? Well, let me tell you. She WASN'T in the same country, when Chris just proved he's in Mass, and her friends' posts showed her WITHOUT her ring, in France.

Oddly enough, it was around this time, that photos of ringless-Chris-lookalike surfaced. The photos that were shown and sent to people/blogs that were guaranteed to get it circling the internet before the end of the day.

Seriously, are they slipping? Or was it deliberate?

Anyway, when Valentine's finally came, we were in the clear. Chris' Instagram remained silent, except for that one significant Dodger post.

Things stayed relatively quiet for a while, aside from the France trips making their rounds here and there. But it all came to a head earlier, when Chris posted on his story...

Further confirming how far apart he, and his dear "wife" really are. Who's been seen, eating out in France, still missing her ring...

I mean, really? Do y'all not eat out with finger jewelry? Is that another lame excuse y'all have for her?🙄

And three days ago, this article gets released... And the legitimacy is still up for debate, but the fact that it's here, feels like the perfect storm to me.

Not saying that it's the beginning of the end. But it's something!

Now, honestly, it's a mess in the Fandom. This whole thing is causing a shit storm, like always, and it's not pretty.

But whether or not this means something, we have to keep a level head. This could go either way. Which is why I, personally am taking the win.

Wins are few and far between right now, so, I'm taking it. And I'm also finishing two fics, and enjoying my book. Which is a pretty big deal, considering, I haven't been able to finish a book for most of last year 🥺

Thank you to my fabulous friends for sourcing me, and guiding me to the screenshots that allowed me to make my posts. Y'all truly are the best eyes and ears, a girl can ask for. 🫶

And please let me know, or feel free to add, if I forgot anything, guys😊

Until the next one!

❤️ Booky