#i know i finished it today but the bulk of the work happened in december 2024! so im counting it

[stayatsam]

2023 - 2024

[aadmelioraa]

Spark (Hild x Iseult, 1.9k)

It had been an extremely long day at the end of an extremely long week—a long term, and a long year, even—and all Hild wanted to do when she got home was finish submitting her final evaluations and then go directly to bed.

But the instant she unlocked her door she knew she was in for an unpleasant evening.

The temperature inside was nearly as cold as the snowy December weather outside. Frost had even begun to form in the corners of the kitchen windows—old windows that the landlord had promised would be replaced months ago.

Hild sighed deeply, her breath creating a faint cloud as she exhaled. The same thing had happened last year right before Christmas. She should have expected it to happen again. It was going to be far too cold for her to concentrate on her work tonight. She really needed to find a new flat before her lease expired.

The radiator in her bedroom was cold to the touch as she turned the dial back and forth to no avail. She sighed again, and in her irritation gave it a solid kick. It didn’t improve the functionality, but it did make her feel slightly better.

Her fingers trembled with cold as she pulled her cellphone out of her coat pocket to call her landlord. They didn’t pick up, of course, so she left a somewhat curt message and made a mental note to phone again in an hour.

Accepting her fate, Hild slipped out of her coat and put on a pullover and cardigan over her turtleneck, then her coziest scarf. She was just struggling to pull her house shoes on over the bulk of two extra pairs of socks when she heard a knock at the door.

Read the rest below or on ao3

Perhaps it was a repairman? Unlikely, but she wasn't expecting anyone else.

She shuffled to the door and opened it to find Iseult, her downstairs neighbor. The neighbor she’d wanted to speak to a dozen times or more, but had not yet got up the courage. The neighbor she’d found herself wondering about on a lonely night more often than she cared to admit.

“I thought I’d find you home,” Iseult said. Fortunately, she did not appear to be clairvoyant.

Hild’s face must have registered some surprise because Iseult smiled slightly as she added, “I may have heard you kick the radiator.”

“Oh—sorry if I disturbed you,” Hild said, flushing a bit at how she’d let her temper get the better of her. Noting that her neighbor was also wrapped in several layers of knitwear she added, “I take it your heat is out as well.”

“It’s the whole building, I think.” Iseult’s voice sounded as irritated as Hild felt.

“Would you like to come in?” Hild offered, and then immediately wondered if that was a stupid question. She had nothing much to offer, particularly without working radiators.

Iseult smiled again, a bit softer this time, but her eyes brightened. “Thank you.”

“We may as well stick it out together, I suppose,” Hild said, knowing that she would not have the evening she had planned no matter what.

She led the way into the kitchen and gestured to the electric kettle on her countertop. “Cocoa? At least we don’t have to rely on the gas for that.”

“Sounds lovely.” Iseult took a seat at the kitchen table, chafing her upper arms for warmth.

“You haven’t lived in this building long, have you?” Hild asked as she set two mugs on the counter and turned the kettle on.

“Only a few months. The start of your school year, I think.”

Hild glanced toward her guest, her mouth twitching into a smile despite her best efforts. She was surprised but pleased to find that she was apparently a person of interest. “Well, clearly you know I’m a teacher. What about yourself?”

“I’m a jewelry maker.” Iseult gestured to the earrings and necklace she was wearing. “I also do tarot readings out of my flat.”

“Ah.” Hild dropped her eyes to her hands and bit her lower lip.

“You do not approve, I know,” Iseult said in a carefree, almost musical tone.

Hild turned back, eyebrows raised. “Oh?”

Iseult huffed a gentle laugh. “It’s not an insult, Hild. I know that you are religious.”

Hild was about to ask how when her gaze fell on the wooden cross hanging above the sink. She turned back to see Iseult’s eyes alight with laughter.

“You’re at church every Sunday, too. I hear you get up earlier that day, and sometimes I see you return in your formal clothing.”

Hild would not have characterized a mid-length wool skirt and a pair of oxfords as formal, but looking at Iseult in her worn, wide-legged corduroy pants and scuffed clogs perhaps they had different standards of formal wear.

“So you’ve been spying on me,” she said, attempting to lighten her tone as she tore the cocoa packets.

Iseult chuckled and pulled her sleeves down around her palms.

“There is only so much to do during the day between appointments. I like to read by the window, so I happen to see everyone coming and going.”

Hild added hot water to the mugs, stirred, and added a bit more. The spoon clinking against the ceramic was the only noise in the room for a moment.

“Thank you.” Iseult’s fingers brushed against hers as she accepted the mug of cocoa. Hild nodded, trying to ignore the fluttering in her chest, and took a seat across from her.

“The heat’s not likely to be fixed today,” Hild informed her in a somewhat apologetic tone, as if it was her fault. “Last winter the same thing happened, and it took an entire weekend to resolve.”

Iseult’s eyes widened and she shivered reflexively. “Goodness, what did you do?” Hild remembered how Uhtred, who had been staying with Sihtric at the time, had come over and not left for…about seventy-two hours, by her calculations. That solution would not do this time around, and it wasn't just because he had a girlfriend.

She cleared her throat. “Just…coped.”

“Well, do you have any tips for coping?” Iseult asked innocently.

Hild took a sip of cocoa, hiding behind her mug temporarily. “Lots of blankets, I suppose.”

“I have a hot water bottle, but I imagine you might have one too.”

Hild shrugged. “Yes. It helps, but…”

“Well, we may as well camp out together, in the meantime. That is…if I’m not overstepping.”

Hild gazed across the table into Iseult’s warm brown eyes and wondered if there was any world in which she would deny her.

“You’re not over stepping at all. But I confess, I may not be very good company tonight. I’m feeling rather crabby, to be perfectly honest.”

Iseult’s smile wrinkled her nose. “Crabby is fine by me.”

Hild’s smile in return felt a bit too broad, but she couldn’t help it. Iseult was charming in every sense of the word. She regretted it had taken her this long, and a minor catastrophe, to spend any time with her.

“It’s warmer in the next room,” Hild offered, rising to her feet. “Better windows in there.”

They made their way to the couch, and Hild gathered every blanket she could find. She even brought her down comforter from the bedroom and offered half to Iseult, who graciously accepted. They were bundled up nicely now, though Hild found herself quite irritated when yet again their landlord ignored her call. Her irritation was tempered by her enjoyment of Iseult’s companionship and the low current of accompanying nervousness.

She flicked on the television, not wanting to leave the burden of conversation entirely on her guest.

Iseult laid her head against the back of the couch, curling slightly on her side so her body faced Hild.

Hild adjusted her posture, and her knee bumped up against Iseult’s leg. She nearly pulled back, but Iseult didn’t move away, so she didn’t either.

Iseult leaned a bit closer after a time, eyes still fixed on the television, but Hild was finding it increasingly difficult to focus on anything other than the woman beside her.

“Is your school term finished?” Iseult’s eyes opened and closed slowly. She seemed to be trying to keep herself awake.

“Yes, I won’t quite know what to do with myself for the next two weeks,” Hild replied.

“What do you normally do between terms?”

“Well, they always need help at the church this time of year. That, and try to rest if I can.”

Iseult cocked her head slightly. “Rest is good.”

“I’m not very good at it, I'm afraid,” Hild felt compelled to admit.

“Like everything, it requires a commitment to practice,” Iseult said softly.

She was sincere, but there was a kind of levity behind her demeanor. Something that made Hild feel a bit more seen than she typically did. Normally that would make her uncomfortable, but with Iseult, it didn’t. It was as if she was standing behind a sheer curtain, waiting to pull it aside and step forward, but in her own timing.

“How would you advise I commit to practicing?” she asked, staring at the television but not watching.

Iseult chuckled and pulled the comforter up around her neck. “This is a good start, here.”

Hild shivered and instinctively moved a bit closer. “I suppose this is God’s way of telling me to take the night off.”

“Does your god speak to you often through the incompetence of your landlord?” Iseult asked.

“Not exclusively, no.”

Iseult’s nose wrinkled in amusement and she leaned a bit closer still.

When she took Hild’s hand under the coverlet, Hild was certain her heart had stopped beating.

Iseult’s eyes were clear and bright as she asked, “Does your god have rules about this?”

“Some men claim he does,” Hild murmured, “but I’m not in the habit of listening to men.”

Iseult’s smile widened as she leaned forward to brush a kiss to Hild’s lips. Hild’s breath caught. She froze, then cupped Iseult’s face gently as she kissed her back.

It was a good kiss—perhaps a little awkward, somewhat tentative at first, but building in feeling almost immediately. A spark had ignited between them—cold flint and steel striking against each other and creating something beautiful that had not existed there before.

Hild’s face grew warm—she was sure she was blushing quite deeply—and the heat spread throughout her body from her core. Her fingers, twined in Iseult’s, were still cold, but that’s not why they were trembling.

“You don’t need much practice at that,” Iseult said coyly, leaning her forehead against Hild’s.

Hild felt a laugh tumble forth, and clasped Iseult’s hands between her own to warm them.

Iseult laughed too, and tucked into her side. Hild wrapped an arm around her and pulled the coverlet tighter.

Half an hour later, they were both asleep. They’d wake in the morning light, still wrapped up in each other, to a missed call from their landlord. The heat would be fixed in time, but they would devote themselves to other pastimes while they waited.

[peacefulheartfarm]

Prepare for Disaster

Prepare for disaster is a motto I grew up with living in rural Michigan. Back in the day, when the power went off due to a winter storm, it could be off for several weeks. Today we have much better electrical systems and our current provider has kept us in good shape. We have never been without power for more than a few days. But even that can be disastrous if we are not prepared. Today I want to talk about how we prepare for disasters that may or may not happen.

First, let me take a moment to say welcome to all the new listeners and welcome back to the veteran homestead-loving regulars who stop by the FarmCast for every episode. Thank you so much for your time and attention. I appreciate you all so much and I couldn’t do it without you. It’s midwinter and life goes on here at the homestead.

Our Virginia Homestead Life Updates

The cold weather has been consistent for weeks. Not too cold, getting just below freezing at night and 40s and sometimes 50s during the day. This is a typical Southwestern Virginia winter. I look for a few days of freezing weather sometime in the near future. A typical winter will have at least four or five days when the temperatures drop all the way to the teens and occasionally single digits overnight. That four or five day stretch usually happens at least once and sometimes twice, usually in January. It hasn’t happened yet. Still waiting for that shoe to drop. We did have some unseasonably cold weather in December, but January is proceeding right long the normal line.

Cows

The cows are handling the cold weather as they always do. It amazes me that these animals can go through the winter without seeming to notice it too much. I go out there and the cows are moseying around, eating grass and/or hay looking like they don’t have a care in the world. If they are eating, they are laying down, relaxing and chewing their cud, again, like they haven’t got a care in the world. Personally, I don’t handle cold very well, but I’m so glad they do.

Donkeys

The donkeys handle the cold very well also. Their coats are full and thick. Just about everyday they come up to the milking shed looking for a treat. Scott or I will give them a small handful of sweet feed and a petting. When they are finished, they head on down to the creek and out to pasture with everybody else. Our donkeys are the friendliest animals on the homestead.

Sheep and Goats

The sheep and goats always prepare for disaster in winter. They have really thick coats. Our goats are cashmere goats. They have a really thick undercoat of cashmere that they shed in the spring. Our sheep are hair sheep which means they also grow a thick coat of wool and shed it in the spring. No shearing for these sheep. I was watching the ewes graze in the front pasture. Just like the cows, not a care in the world.

Quail

The quail are even more amazing to me. They have feathers and I can’t see that they have any extra feathers for winter. Whatever they have is what they have and that’s it. My ladies and gents have it better than they would out in the wild. There is a box shelter where they can get completely out of the wind. They can huddle together for added warmth. Sometimes I go out there and they are kind of fluffed up, but other than that, not a shiver. Nature is amazing.

Garden

This time of year is the time to plan for the spring garden. What plants will we grow? How many? What will be rotated to another location? And so on. I’m a bit behind on getting started with that but I just can’t seem to drum up the energy. It’s too cold and I don’t want to think about going out in the garden when it is cold. Anyway, I’ll get to it in the next couple of weeks.

Creamery

The creamery roof is nearly complete. Scott is putting the finishing touches on the peaks. He spent much of the day yesterday rigging up a way to safely move around up there. Today he is full steam ahead getting those ridge caps completed.

Still to come is all of the ends of the building above the ground floor. I think they are called dormer walls or something like that. It’s basically the area from the top of the block building to the peak of the roof. All of that will be covered in the same metal as with the roof.

It’s cold out there every day. And every day Scott is out there working in it. He doesn’t mind the cold and he prepares for it with layers of clothes.

Preparing for Disaster

Speaking of being prepared, let me get into how we prepare for disaster. Some of it anyway. I could probably talk all day long about how we created and executed our plan. Some of it is still in progress.

No matter where you are in the world, there is always something you can do to prepare for disaster. You simply never know when power is going to be out or something disrupts the flow of goods. For instance, I got caught short this summer because there was a shortage of canning jars and lids. In the end, I did have enough for what I needed to save our harvests, but it was touch and go sometimes. Recently I came across canning jars while in town and I purchased just about everything they had on the shelf. Still no lids but I got a better stock of jars than I have had in the past. We learn from our mistakes.

Let’s start at the beginning. The first thing to stock up on is water.

Water

You should always have water on hand or access to clean water. Making this happen doesn’t have to cost a lot of money. Today, we have a hand pump connected to our well so we can always get water when needed whether we have power to the well pump or not. Still, we keep water on hand in the house. While it’s easy to go out there and hand pump some water, it is still easier to reach back in a closet or go into the spare bathroom and get some water for cooking, cleaning and flushing.

The recommended amount of water you will want to store is 7.5 gallons of water per person per month. A family of four would have 15 gallons of water stored if preparing for a short-term disaster lasting a few days or weeks. That’s where you always start. How much do I need for 2 to 4 weeks? Then get it done. You have the blue 5-gallon containers at Lowe’s, Home Depot, the grocery, and so on. Invest in a few of those and you are good to go. Strapped for cash? Buy one a week or even one a month. Your stored water will need to be refreshed regularly. Either use it or pour it out, but replaced what you have stored in the containers every 6 months or so. You don’t have to get there all at once. But you do want to get your water situated first.

Food

The second item is food. This one is a little trickier and takes quite a bit more time. So, start now. There are many methods for building up your food stores. Set several goals with this one.

How Many Days to Prepare for Disaster?

First, how many days of food do you need to store? That depends. Start with a week, then go to a month, then three months and so on. Ideally, you get to a place where you have a full year’s worth of food stored for your entire family. That may seem like a lot and it actually is a lot. But for my peace of mind, I wanted a full year of food. You may make your cutoff date sooner – and some even plan for longer.

What Food Should Be Stored?

Second, don’t store anything your family won’t eat. What are you eating right now? That’s what you want to stock up on. Forget the MRE’s and whatever else might sound great or someone might try to sell to prepare for disaster. What you want is food that your family regularly eats. Most foods have a shelf life of at least a year. If you rotate what you have saved, using the oldest stuff first and adding back what you have used in the back of the shelf, you can come up with a system that keeps you stocked up at all times. This is the first in, first out method. Instead of having one box of cereal, you have 12, or whatever you determine is the right number. Buy an extra box or two whenever you shop, or whatever you can afford. Build up slowly. You’ll be there before you know it.

Bulk Foods

One of the best ideas for food is to store some products in bulk containers. I’m talking about beans, rice, sugar and wheat or flour. You can live a long time on beans and rice. And if you are into making your own bread, having wheat or flour on hand at all times is a great idea. This is another place to build slowly.

The pieces you need to do this part effectively are: 5-to-6-gallon food-grade plastic buckets, mylar bags, oxygen absorbers and a standard household iron. The mylar bag goes in the bucket. The beans, rice, wheat, or flour go in the bag. Toss in a couple of oxygen absorbers and seal the bag with your iron. The oxygen absorber will suck out all the oxygen in the bag, And the sealed bag without oxygen will keep the food fresh for up to 30 years. I said 5 or 6-gallon buckets, but you can use smaller buckets. I like the larger buckets because I can buy 40 or 50 pounds of beans or rice and it fits in the larger bucket.

Canned Goods

Let’s talk about canned goods. These can also last for a very long time – not so much as the beans and rice, but still a long while. Those “use-by” dates on the can are not expiration dates. They are CYA dates for the manufacturers. As long as the can is not damaged and the seal is in place, canned food in jars and metal cans will last for years. Food in jars needs to be kept out of the light. And all canned foods need to be kept at room temperature or lower. Keep that in mind when you are planning where to store your stuff. Strapped for space? Under the bed works pretty well. Use that cabinet space up high that is empty because you can’t reach it easily. Find used shelving at yard sales and put it up in your garage. Lots of ways to make the space you need.

And don’t forget the can opener. Not one of those electric ones. No! a hand-operated can opener is needed.

Self-Protection

I’m not going to talk about this one because I’m not educated enough to know what to say. We do have weapons and ammo and such but Scott handles all of that. I’ll just mention it here and say find someone who knows what they are talking about with this and follow their podcasts or YouTube videos. It’s definitely important. And don’t forget to get the proper training. It’s no good to have weapons you don’t know how to use safely and care for properly.

Energy Needs

This is the last piece I’m going to touch on today. There is so much to cover on this topic I couldn’t possibly do it justice. So, I’m just going to give you a bit of information to get you started. Every person’s situation is different and your energy needs are going to be different.

Gasoline

Keep extra gasoline on hand. That’s an easy one. We try to keep 12 containers at all times. I must say, we are not as efficient at this as could be desired. If you have 12 containers of gasoline labeled one each month, rotate through that stock at a particular date in the month. In other words, in January, you empty the container labeled “January” into one of your car gas tanks. Pick a day of the month that you do this. The first, 15th or last day of the month are good choices. Take the empty container and refill it. That newly filled container won’t be emptied for a year and it will require a fuel stabilizer to keep it fresh and usable.

Generator

Having a generator that has enough power to run your refrigerator and freezer is a great tool. Again, add these things as you can afford them. Get your food stores up to a couple of weeks at least before moving on to a generator. Your generator will need to be started once a month to keep it in tip-top shape and so you know it is in good working order. You don’t want to be without power and find out that your generator is no longer working.

Living off the Grid

You may decide to go completely off the grid – or at least be prepared to go completely off the grid. That takes a great deal of planning and the choices are endless so I’m not going to go into that topic. But I will say keep in mind that, while solar sounds really good, if you don’t live in a really, really sunny place it may not be the option for you. There are other options.

Having a wood burning stove is always good. At the very least you can use your gas grill to cook meals – if you have planned ahead and have an extra propane tank or two. We took out our electric stove and put in a gas stove. The oven won’t work but the surface burners can be lit with a match. Keep some of those on hand. I like using what I’m used to using for cooking, so this works for me. We have the wood burning stove as well – complete with an oven. I really should learn how to cook on that thing in the event we run out of propane.

Communication

This is the toughest one to get prepared for in my opinion. How do we communicate? As long as the cell towers are up and running and your phone battery is charged, we can communicate. Well, we would have to climb way up to the top of our property and then maybe, just maybe, we would get a cell signal.

Right now, we have all sorts of social media where we can find out what is going on with family, friends and co-workers. But what if you didn’t have that? How would you get in touch with people? Could you get in touch with people? This topic requires some deep thought, lots of planning, and practice sessions to make sure your plans work. You don’t want to be isolated.

There is a significant amount of banning of communication going on in the large tech communities. They have a great deal of power. Indeed, more power than the US government. They can turn off anyone with the push of a button. They can make you disappear. You might want to consider broadening your reach to smaller platforms if you can find one that works for you and your family.

I have created a page on a site called Locals. You can find me on locals by searching for peaceful heart farm. Once you’ve joined my community, you can post whatever you’d like on my page. We can have a conversation and share insights.

I think I’m going to end there.

Final Thoughts

The animals go on and on and don’t give a thought to whether there is power to heat the house. And as long as the grass and hay keep coming, they are good to go. For us, it’s more complicated. As I said, I don’t like being cold. I’m grateful for our wood burning stove. It saves on electricity in the winter and is quite useful in a pinch for cooking.

I’ve spent years gathering food, both for ourselves and now saving up in case our neighbors are not prepared or not financially able to make it happen. And our water supply will also help out – and indeed has – helped out our neighbors. There is so much more to prepare for disaster but these two pieces are key. Water and food. Start today. You just have no idea when the power lines are going to go down with a winter storm, a hurricane, tornado and so on. It may be only a couple of days but it very well could be weeks. Remember hurricane Sandy and what a disaster that was and not so long ago.

If you enjoyed this podcast, please hop over to Apple Podcasts or whatever podcasting service you use, SUBSCRIBE and give me a 5-star rating and review. If you like this content and want to help out the show, the absolute best way you can do that is to share it with any friends or family who might be interested in this type of content. Let them know about the Peaceful Heart Farmcast. And please give locals.com a try.

Thank you so much for stopping by the homestead and until next time, may God fill your life with grace and peace.

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[countjason]

Jason’s 8th Annual Post/Pre-Year Review/Goal

Last year, I didn’t do this so is this 8 or is this one again?  Maybe’s it’s 7?  Idk…let’s assume it’s 8.

I forget why I didn’t do this since I’ve been pretty good over the course of the decade in both setting goals and reflecting, both good and bad on the outcome of those goals.  I couldn't give you an answer why 2018 was so different than the previous 6 years.  For good or bad, these entries are the only ones I do and maybe the last on Tumblr now that the platform may be dying due to porn.  Either way, I will reflect in the best I can given I didn’t set goals for 2018 and start anew with goals for 2019.

2018 Reflection

Work

2018 was hard.  It started strong with the new position at my new job as a scheduler.  I soon realized, however, I made an ill-made choice.  I can't say it was a "bad" decision because, at the time, I wasn't happy on what became of me being a configuration, change, release manager and the prospect of me being a project manager was slim with the ongoing fight between our contract prime and my company at the time.  The decision to leave seemed easy since my current company had a pay increase so, hey, follow the money right?

Well, six months in and I began to grow tired of the sheer boredom of the job.  Here I go from running a major project, flying to Germany to work with the customer, addressing changes and being active (though be it not what I wanted  to do) NOW basically perform statuses once a month and learning nothing new.  It’s almost to the point where I think I’m forgetting some skills like my SharePoint knowledge since they don’t use that tool at all and caught in their own ways (and anytime you try to change or show them a better way, you’re immediately dismissed).  

I can pinpoint the exact day that started the ongoing job hunt. It was not after I graduated - no, it in September 2018 when my company posted a position for a project manager and I immediately inquired to my boss for which I was told I don't have enough experience for the role.  Not enough experience?  How the heck am I supposed to get experience when I’m not mentored, spinning in my chair picking my nose half the month and told there’s nothing else I need to do or I’m not physically doing any aspect of the job to gain said experience you want in a project manager here?  Do you really think I would leave you hung out to dry or wouldn't know where to ask for help should I needed it (which was likely)? Are you so concerned with your company image that the slightest ignorance in any area is a death sentence?  Here I was familiar with the protocol the company did for financials, scheduling, and other areas that I learned over the course of nine months but because I wasn't an engineer, I was told they wanted to more likely recruit talent from a competitor and more engineering minded despite the fact all the previous PMs had little to no engineering experience at all.  Mind you this was after graduating with my master’s degree in Project Management, have more certifications that are gold standards for my line of work, and just having a background in previous project management type functions and keep in mind folks - a PM is not necessarily the subject matter expert, they are what keeps the project rolling so you really don’t need to know every aspect of a program, just who to talk to and where to look.  

They made me a “Deputy Program Manager” after this conversation but the bulk of my job has been the same as I started...  

It didn’t help they screwed over one of my only friends I barely made at my company and he quit. I’m horrible at making friends and I respected this guy because he was one of the few people that valued my input and didn’t treat me like a high-school intern (“ok children, today we’ll learn what a work breakdown structure is…”).  

Now to continue and conclude with the job topic because this horse is beat’in to death (Sorry, Not Sorry PETA), I will say that the outlook VERY recently is looking good. I have a few more interviews between a couple more companies and hopefully, I can land where my talent is useful.

School

I graduated college in 2018 the 3rd time.  

This time with a master’s degree in project management as I previously mentioned.  It was never my desire after graduating in 2011 to go back to school but in 2015, after watching Caitlin struggle with part-time work and full-time school, I wanted to set somewhat of an example in that you can work full-time work and school and get done with things.  Fast forward to 2018 and I’m done with that and Caitlin is still in school.  I am proud of this accomplishment since the 21-year-old Jason would have never believed I’d have a master’s degree.  

There's some internal vindication for all those Navy Officers that were "better than me since they were Officers" or Chief’s that said “leaving the Navy would be the worst decision I ever made” that I now have a higher education than over half of them a decade later.  They say revenge doesn't feel good – they are full a shit or I'm messed up.   I got to fly my parents to Maryland to witness the graduation in person so at least I know they got to see that.  I did enroll at Columbia Southern University in 2018 to work toward my DBA.  I finished all my prerequisite classes but had to put my school on hold due to the expense of Caitlin's school doubling on me. More on this in 2019 goals.  I’m looking to start that back up in the summer if all aligns properly.

Entertainment

If there’s one thing that I like to do these days is follow NASCAR.  I turned into my father but don’t hate it really.  Here’s me running at New Smyra Speedway this past past weekend.

Unfortunately, when it came to going to NASCAR races this year, we bet and lost on rain occurring in Atlanta (we ended up getting a cat named “Rain De’Lay” as a result and I watched the race happen on TV even though every weatherman said it was going to pour!) and Dad got sick this year and he couldn’t come to the Roval race we planned as well. We did plan the Bristol night race in 2019 so hopefully, I can have that.  Caitlin was a trooper for going to the Charlotte race with me which I know she didn’t overly like which was expected...

BUT…she did go camping and see the north which leads to later this month in us going to the Asheville area of North Carolina for Christmas vacation. If there’s one time in my life I want snow to happen it’s coming up here soon.

Also in entertainment, we had mini-adventures that’s needed – I went to St. Augustine overnight hunting ghosts (or talking to a lamp) at the British Pub’s upstairs apartment.  

Worth noting but technically out-of-bounds for this topic is Caitlin and I went to New Orleans LATE December 2017 (so almost 2018). I also rode in a boat during the Gasperilla festival which is a whole new level of experience.  I am curious to know how many water balloons we will have this year?

We went to Daytona several times this year including our annual family stay at the timeshare and mini-getaways as recent as last week.  We also explored Washington DC and Baltimore during my graduation trip.

Okay – now planning/goals out 2019…

Get a new job – This one is important since 90% of my waking existence is at a job.  If I’m not happy there, it’s too my core and I’m not happy in general.  I wish I was better in this area since Caitlin works in the funeral business and has a better appreciation toward the little things but it’s still a thing since it is 90% of my waking life and I’ve worked since I was 16 yrs old.   I would obviously like to get paid what I feel I’m deserved too – not just get a job to get away from another job.  

Vacations – I have a cruise planned in May which is almost paid for and I would like to eventually go to Las Vegas.  I wouldn’t want to go to Vegas without a little money in my pocket, but we’ll see.  I also have the Bristol night race in August which represents the final bucket list race I could want to do with my Dad.  Does that mean I’m done after Bristol? Probably not but I could certainly wish my Dad off should he die knowing I got him there, Talledega, Daytona, Homestead, and Atlanta.

School – I got a long way to go for a DBA but I’d like to get the main classes started in 2019.  I gotta wait until money isn't so tight or there are options like tuition assistance but I'd like to get started in that.

Find more friends – A lot of my friends 8 years ago I don't really relate to now.  I'm simply not the same person. Those people, in most cases, are the EXACT same people and we don't relate.  Going back to 90% of my day with work, I need to find work friends but certainly not at my current job where everyone I work with me is 20 years older than me or are unsociable.  I mean it can't get any worse than now where I have a co-worker literally 5 feet behind me and insist to communicate primarily through email.  Even if it's not "work" friends, I need friends that have the same goals, likes, and what not.  That's why I like people like Eric or James– they have ambition in areas I like today. I still need to find a NASCAR buddy too but that’s surprisingly hard.

Health – Anyone that says getting older doesn’t suck can blow me.  I know less than 5 years ago, I could run in the morning and had gym buddies which motivated me.  Granted I was walking around like I was crippled half the time afterward, but it was fun.  I really don't have that same motivation these days.  I still go to the gym periodically but not as I used too.  I joke about my fat head so maybe in 2019, I'll find that extra gas in the tank and while I've accepted not being 180 lbs again, maybe just looking better which will make me feel better as well.  

Financially working in the right direction – To get my house, I had to use retirement money.  To fix the carpet that got destroyed in Caitlin’s library, I had to use more.  I have quite a bit of old debt and new debt that is higher than I like but there’s always been this assumption that I’m just waiting for the right job to pay me what I deserve, AND Caitlin will finally pull her weight since I support her. Once one or both those things happen, we will be able to work off that debt and maybe see the chances of retirement….eventually.  

Potentially Move? – Given the job prospects, I’ve been looking at opportunities to leave Florida. I am so over “hot, humid, high of 100” every-freakin-day.  Part of the upcoming North Carolina trip is to expose Caitlin to the cold. If she tolerates it, the option to move up north is more present. I mean hell, our house is an igloo anyway.  Even still talking about moving north, moving east in Florida has the same possibilities. I know 2019 may be too soon given the dependency I have with Caitlin but given the right situation, it’s entirely possible.  

Help Caitlin – I could jokingly say “well this is a huge project” but I don’t mean it like that.  She’s been fighting her demons and I’ve been helping.  I would also foresee myself assisting in her passing her classes and exams she needs to take but that’s really all on her and if she asks for it. In all, I just hope to continue to be a good(ish) role-model and help when I can.

Iracing – 2 more to 10…geez, we’re hitting the bottom of the barrel now.  This is just a hobby, be it an expensive hobby I built up, but I hope to continue doing well in the game and not get bored with it lol.  It’s just too expensive to not.

House Upgrades – I would like to upgrade the floors in the man cave and the bedroom in 2019.  This is a lot of work and shifting of things since I have the master bed which is huge in one room and the racing rig and desk in the other.  I have the supplies sitting in the corner collecting dust waiting to be done, but I would need to shift so much around to do it, I’ve told myself it can only be done if we move.  We’ll see, not putting a lot of hope in this one but it’s number 10 on the list.

Well that’s 2019′s plans for you and some reflection on 2018.  Talk to you next year Jason (and anyone else that reads my rhetoric). 

[burn-your-face-upon-the-chrome]

My Writing Schedule For Nov - Dec

Heads up, this gets kinda lengthy because I over explain everything. What I'm vomiting onto this blog will pertain heavily to my dumpster fire of a fan fiction series which centers around Slit the Trash Lizard and his Scavenger Country friends. Yes, he's paired with and OC in it. Am I ashamed? No. Are we delving into why I'm not ashamed? Also no, we don't have time for that, because that's what I'm here to talk about today. Time.

I have incredibly poor time management skills when it comes to anything I'm not being paid to do. Essentially, what I want to do today is lay out a two-month plan for the About a Lizard series and squeeze into the following twelve months time for other fiction endeavors which include two original stories, a fanwork in the Aliens versus Predator universe, and a crossover with I'mRobin on AO3.

Normally, I post vague updates on the progress of the next chapter in the top notes of my submissions on AO3, I haven't been doing that because lately, my head is in ten different places at once.

The plan for AAL is to take all of the notes and information about loosely planned chapters for the current installment of the story (We can call it book two) and break down those chapters further by summarizing individual scenes within them. I already do this but I only do it one chapter at a time as I work, and then I tend to abandon a fully summarized chapter for weeks on end while I putter around procrastinating.

When I write these summaries, they generally contain a list of concepts that need to be addressed at a precise point in time along with character actions and an idea of the content of dialog between the characters. For an example of what this actually looks like in a summary: “Dune needs to lament about the potatoes she was trying to grow and how more than a month without steady watering has probably killed the spuds. Maybe have her dig around in the pots (old tires) to check for survivors.”  

It's basic stuff and the above line of quoted text is the substance of an entire small scene. Many of these summaries are much longer but even these tiny ones are incredibly helpful. They help to keep me on track with where I want a chapter to go, what I want it to cover, and it helps me to enforce self-control in keeping from wandering off in my head and indulging in unnecessary info-dumpery. Once this small scene is finished, I know exactly where I need to shift my attention because I already have that information at my disposal in the next summarized scene.

Knowing where you're going helps more than you think. I know the trajectory of the story as a whole, but getting from point A to point B within individual chapters is easier said than done. As an example: If you're writing a story about a girl named Jane who finds a magical singing rock in the woods, but you need her to travel across a country to find a wizard to explain the significance of the singing rock, then you need to have something happen during that journey. If this journey is to be concise enough to fit into a single chapter, you'll need minor conflict and resolution within that chapter, and it can be as extreme or subtle as you want, but it still has to exist and that requires thought and planning. Alternatively, you can take that cross-country trip that Jane goes on and turn it into the flesh of an entire story, where the journey itself is the story, not so much whatever is going on with the singing rock. I'm trying to avoid letting the minor plot interfere with the primary plot. Using Jane and the Rock as a euphemism for minor plot sequences: I want these “trips to find the wizard” to be consistently contained within one chapter without becoming arcs of their own which would interfere with the primary plot.

Phew! Now that you know what I mean by summarized chapters and scenes, and have probably realized that I am completely out of my mind, I can get to the point of this. I'd like to summarize scenes for all thirty-three planned chapters of “The Road to Nowhere” as soon as possible. Why would I want to do all of this work when I could simply be flat out writing? Because if I do this and get the bulk of the planning out of the way, I will ultimately be producing chapters at a far faster clip. If every chapter consists of between seven and ten scenes and I can flesh out one scene per day, that means I could publish one chapter approximately every ten days versus one chapter every month or several months. This better executed organization process would see the fic finished in a little under a year. I don't want to do the math and find out what that time-frame looks like if I continue on at my current pace. It probably looks something like six years, UGH!

Organization matters and at the moment, I don't have it. I can probably summarize the whole dang fic scene-by-scene within a couple weeks if I really apply myself to it. I may get only small way into this process before I say “Screw this!” and continue work chapter by chapter as a good little fic pigeon, but even if I only plan out three or four chapters at a time, I'm still coming out way ahead of the game. That's important to me. So, that is what is going on with the About a Lizard thingy. The following is a bullet point of dates and plans for November - December regarding About a Lizard and other projects

The next piece of writing I'm likely to crank out is an update chapter for the crossover titled Unlikely which I am working on with ImRobin over on AO3. I would like to publish this by the 15th of November at the very latest but I’ll probably be able to manage it far earlier. It is incredibly well structured because two people are working closely to hack out dialog and actions for each character to prevent out of character sequences and to give both parties as much creative control as possible in each chapter. It should not take long if I can sit for a few hours without interruption to work on it.

Chapter 4 of The Road To Nowhere is already started and I'm slowly scratching out the first draft scene by scene when I feel like writing. That will probably pop up on AO3 shortly after my half of the update on Unlikely, so expect it by the 17th at the very latest.

Once chapter 4 of The Road to Nowhere pops up on AO3, I will be summarizing and planning the rest of the chapters as much as I can with the goal to plan all scenes for all thirty-three (or more) chapters by mid-December. Once this is done, I'll be able to focus effort in a more meaningful way and lay the foundation for a routine where I flesh out one scene per day and hopefully begin submitting a chapter every ten to fifteen days instead of every month or two.

Chapter 5 of The Road to Nowhere should appear by the end of December.

If I can get this rhythm to work, I may take periodic breaks every five chapters to do work on a few original short stories I've had in my head for years but not enough organizational skill or confidence to execute. These may turn up on AO3 as well.

In short, to my best knowledge, updates will appear in the following order. Keep in mind personal schedules prevent me from knowing exact dates when future Unlikely chapters will get written.

11/13/18 – 11/15/18: Unlikely will update

11/16/18 – 11/17/18: The Road to Nowhere will update

11/17/18 – 12/15/18: I will be working solely on summarizing scenes for TRTN & Unlikely

12/25/18 – 12/30/18: The Road to Nowhere will resume with the submission of chapter 5

All chapters of The Road to Nowhere thereafter will be scheduled for submission within ten to fifteen days of each other.

[sweetnestor]

You Look Happier | Chapter 2

university au, teamiplier + jack

platonic/romance/angst/(smut at one point but it’ll only be on ao3)

previous chapter

I hadn’t been so nervous for therapy in such a long time. I was sat next to Jack in Helena’s waiting room, anxiously biting my nails. There were things I hadn’t told him. I mean, the main things were the anxiety, the depression, the family situation, the suicidal thoughts and tendencies, and the breakup. Jack knew the gist of all of these, but he didn’t know the details. That’s what was scary about him being here; He was going to know.

Helena came out of her office and let us in. I properly introduced her to Jack once we were in there. My heart was ready to pound out of my chest.

“So what brings you both here today?” she asked, sitting across from us in her desk chair.

My eyes stayed focused on the little coffee table between us. I was still biting my nails, and now I was tapping my leg as well.

“Bella had a little too much fun on New Year’s,” Jack began. “She went out and partied, and ended up missing for two days.”

“Missing?” Helena repeated. “How did you find her? Did you call the police?”

“We were about to,” Jack continued. “She came home right before we did.” Then he explained the intervention, and the memory made me cringe internally.

I felt my therapist’s wise, old eyes trail over to me. My nails were burning. “What were you doing during those two days, Bella?”

I had already told this to Jack, so I could say it again. “Partying, I assume. I kind of blacked out from all the drinking. But, um, I went out because I was suicidal, and I wanted to distract myself from it.”

“You went way over the line, though,” Jack added. “I get why you did it, but… you’re Bella. Since when do you do anything reckless?”

“Recklessness can be shown in different ways,” Helena told him. “Clearly, this was so out of character for her that you had to step in. Now Jack, how did you feel when Bella hadn’t come home?”

He paused, sitting back. “I mean, I was out of the country when she left. A friend of ours called me on New Year’s Day, telling me that Bella went out and never came back. So I got on the first flight back here to see what was going on. I was… absolutely terrified. I started to feel guilty, because I left her by herself, and I thought… I thought when she was found, she was going to be dead. And it was going to be my fault, because I believed her when she said she was okay. And then, I was just wondering…” He looked at me, his eyes glossed over with tears. “Why didn’t you just talk to me?”

That’s where it all got stuck in my throat. I didn’t like expressing these things out loud or directly. It felt like I wouldn’t be able to handle the reality of it. To talk about it means having to feel it.

“I didn’t want to bother you,” I said quietly.

“Bella…” He sounded so disappointed.

It was silent, except for the sound of Helena’s pen scribbling on her clipboard. Everything stuck in my throat was on the verge of spilling out. I was picking at my already aching nails, and tears were welling up in my eyes. This was intense. I knew I had every right to ask to Jack to leave the room so I could properly talk to Helena, but it would defeat the purpose of him being here.

“Does that come from Mark not having enough time for you in the past?” Helena gently asked. “You felt as though you couldn’t go to him because…?”

I knew she trailed off so I could finish that sentence, and therefore admit why it was so hard for me to talk about anything these days. They both knew why, I had talked about it previously.

However, I sighed and gave in. “He was always so busy and I didn’t want to interrupt him. And I figured, if my own boyfriend didn’t want to listen to me or be around me, then why should I bother at all?”

“I’m not Mark, though,” Jack said. “I wouldn’t brush you off like that, especially in your time of need. You’re the only friend I have right now. I don’t talk to Mark as often as I used to, and I only talked to some people because I saw them four or five times a week at school. And… things didn’t work out with Signe, so you’re the only constant I have right now, and I feel like I’m losing you!”

“I’m sorry,” I told him, feeling even worse.

“It’s just that… we live together,” he went on. “We do just about everything together. I’ve seen you at such a low point, you’ve seen me at my worst, and you’ve told me things that were probably very hard for you to share. You’ve told me everything about you and Ethan so far… You said that I’m your best friend, and that you trust me. Then, it all stopped. You stopped talking to me, and you pushed me to go to Ireland for the holidays. Like you were trying to get rid of me.”

“It’s not you.” I hesitated. “It’s everything. Every bad thing that has ever happened. Those bad things gave me my anxiety and my depression, and it’s taken away all the good. I can’t have anything normal, I can’t try to be happy because the things in my head don’t let me.”

“What things?” Helena asked.

“I have an idea,” Jack answered, but he was looking at me. “Those bad things are not happening anymore. It’s all in the past, and not everything is out to get you. This is now, and you’re trying to fight the things in your head. It means that even a small part of you believes that you can have good things. You do have a shot at this.”

The bad things aren’t happening anymore. It’s true, but it still hurts. It’s still with me, and it always will be.

~

Things felt weird. I felt open and exposed around Jack. I hadn’t had someone go to therapy with me since Mark. Ever since him, I had been trying to do things alone, but that resulted in intensifying my trust issues. I wasn’t sure how to open up to Jack anymore, and it used to come so easily to me.

I wasn’t allowed to stay by myself when I was at home. Helena strongly suggested that I stay monitored over time. I wasn’t flat out suicidal, but I had to admit that I was getting reckless. Since Jack was the only person who was around me often, I had to stick with him.

Usually during this time of year, YouTube University was closed until the spring semester began. But since a lot of creators were using their dorms as offices, only the dormitories remained open. I say that because Jack dragged me along to his office when he had to start recording again. My little meltdown just happened to fall perfectly in his schedule, so he hadn’t missed any recording days while he was babysitting my ass.

The lobby of the boys’ dorms was rather… luxurious. Velvet couches, a snack bar, plenty of space for a party. I didn’t gaze around for too long, though, because there were people walking around, and I’m Bella. I kept my head down and followed Jack into the elevator.

“You sure I won’t be in the way?” I asked nervously.

“Positive,” he reassured.

We reached the third floor. I felt weird, being in the dorms for the first time. I found myself grinding my teeth as I followed Jack to his office, and I was tightly clutching the straps on my backpack.

The walls were covered in black acoustic foam. The standing desk, monitors and lights were in front of the window. There were also empty boxes and other things scattered around the floor. I noticed the door to the bathroom was open, and through the mirror, I could see into the next room. My stomach dropped.

“You share a bathroom with someone?” I asked.

“Nah, it’s just me in here,” Jack said. “That other room is where I sleep when I spent nights here. You can go wait in there if you want.”

I was relieved. “Alright.”

I stepped into the next room, finding that it was cleaner than his recording space. He hadn’t been in here since maybe December, which was when he last recorded in bulk. I sat on the bed, took off my backpack, and pulled out my laptop. I didn’t exactly feel relaxed, though. This wasn’t a familiar setting.

After a while, it started to feel like the time when Jack first moved in with me. When I was sat in my room, listening to him scream into the camera. It eventually grew to be endearing, and I realized how much I missed hearing Jack enthusiastically play a game and go off on thoughtful tangents.

Why didn’t I trust him anymore? I was so quick to confide in him in the past. Was it because of Mark? I couldn’t think of any other time where I didn’t trust Jack before the breakup. Why did it have to be him, though? He didn’t have anything to do with my breakup. In fact, he’s been my biggest supporter through all of this.

My phone distracted me from my thoughts yet again. I sighed and hesitantly picked it up. My heart began to race when I saw the text from Ethan. I hadn’t seen him since the intervention at my apartment, and I had planned on avoiding him. He’s the one who won’t go away, I suppose.

“What are you up to?”

Being babysat by my best friend. Fun times.

“Searching for the dankest of memes. Pretty busy tbh,” I responded. I inhaled deeply before sending it.

Now that a conversation had been initiated, I felt myself getting anxious and restless. I sat up criss-crossed on the bed and scrolled urgently on my laptop. My eyes darted to  my phone every few seconds, and the more time went by, the higher my anxiety went. This was why I never tried being funny, I just ended up getting ignored!

Jack had finished his first video sometime later, and that only made me realize how much time had passed without receiving a response from Ethan. I was sure he remembered what a mess I was and decided to abandon me. That had to be the only reason.

Or… was I just overreacting? Oh no, did I have to get a second opinion?

I chewed on my nails and looked at the bathroom door. Jack hadn’t started his next video yet, judging by his silence. I wouldn’t be interrupting him if I decided to talk to him about this. But it was over a stupid text message, was it really worth making a fuss over it? At the same time, Jack wanted me to trust him again, and this was an opportunity for that to happen.

But over a text? That’s so dumb!

Before I knew it, I was scrolling on my laptop so quickly that I wasn’t seeing anything. My thoughts had plagued me so much that I couldn’t focus on anything else. I felt myself get up and go to the door, but I stopped before I could put my hand on the knob. I rehearsed what I would say to Jack.”I know this is dumb, but Ethan texted me…” “Hey, so you said I could talk to you about anything, right? Well, get ready for a dumb story!” “Sorry, I know you’re busy, but-”

Ding!

I turned on my heel, taking in a deep breath like I had been drowning. I rapidly leaped onto the bed and grabbed my phone, my heart pounding at the new text. It was relieving but also nervewracking.

“Oh dank bruh. Got time in that busy schedule to go to The Tube with me?”

My eyes widened. I couldn’t even make a joke out of this. “Omg really?? Like, just the two of us??”

“Yeah if you want!”

I grabbed the pillow behind me, buried my face in it, and squealed.

“You okay, Baller?” Jack called from the other room.

The fuzzy feeling was kicked away by anxiety yet again. This wasn’t a dumb thing to talk about, was it?

~

Ethan offered to pick me up in the evening, to which I denied. I made up an excuse about taking too long to get ready, so I would pick him up. Thankfully, he wasn’t persistent.

“Wait, why don’t you want him to drive?” asked Jack, who I had told the whole thing to. He was leaning against my bathroom doorway, drinking a beer.

“It’s the nerves,” I said, trying to hide my shaking hands by messing with my loose curls. “Driving is weirdly calming.”

Jack chuckled. “Driving in LA traffic is calming?”

“Forces me to focus.” And it gave me the control I was desperately craving in life, according to Helena. I also got panic attacks when someone else was driving. The only person I could let drive was Mark, but he wasn’t here anymore.

“I can see that.” Jack took a sip of his beer.

The gesture reminded me of the next thing we had to go over in therapy: My relationship with alcohol. I had a small urge to sneak my glittery flask over to The Tube, but it was also for that exact reason I wanted to drive. It was also why I never left the house either. Plus,  this was Ethan I was going out with, and I didn’t want to make the same mistakes I made in my last relationship.

“Oh, look at you!” Jack exclaimed when I was ready. “You’re going on a date!” He bounced on his feet, smiling wide.

“Let’s hope my brain doesn’t fuck me over,” I replied, walking out of the bathroom to go to my full body mirror.

“Hey, even if it does,” Jack said, “you’ve got Ethan with you, and he’ll take good care of you. Trust him.”

I nodded, looking at my reflection. I looked like I was going to a funeral, but it was the only way I knew how to dress. I also noticed how much of my roots had grown out, and how orange the pink ends of my hair looked.

“Remind me to dye my hair tomorrow,” I said, poking around at the top of my head.

“Are you blonde?” he asked.

I scoffed. “No. I’m a brunette, but no one needs to know that. Well… too late, I guess. I’ve never gone this long without dyeing my hair, but…” I shrugged, trying not to hyperfocus on it, or the fact that Ethan might notice it.

“Well, you look beautiful no matter what,” Jack reassured. “You better have a good time or else I’ll kick your ass!”

Those words did help a little bit. I also reminded myself that this wasn’t the first time I was out alone with Ethan. He also knew about my anxiety issues ahead of time, and he still wanted to go out with me. That had to be a good thing, right?

I left the apartment, telling myself these things over and over again. Ethan had texted me directions to his apartment, but he also told me to park someways down the street. I could only assume that he didn’t want Tyler to see who he was going off with. Honestly, I wouldn’t want anyone seeing us out together either. Tyler, being the long-time loyal friend, would definitely tell Mark.

It’s exactly what Ethan told me when he finally got in the car.

“Sorry for making you wait all the way over here,” he told me. “I just… I didn’t know what to tell Tyler.”

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it,” I replied. “I’m assuming neither of us want this getting back to Mark.”

Ethan hesitated. “Right. I feel bad about it, but he didn’t like the idea of us just being friends. Imagine if he saw this...”

That definitely implied that we weren’t just friends. It also confirmed that this was definitely a date. It added nicer butterflies to the ball of nerves in my stomach.

I drove off down the road, trying to ignore the nerves… Well, the bad ones, anyway. I focused on the road and the music I had chosen for the ride.

“Have you been to The Tube before?” Ethan asked after a while.

“Twice,” I replied. I didn’t want to get into detail about those times, though. “It’s alright.”

“I went once with my friends Kathryn and Amy,” he said. “It was pretty good.”

Should I mention that that place gave me anxiety so intense that I had to drink in order to cope with it? Should I mention that the closer we got to the freaking diner, the higher my anxiety went? Also, Ethan mentioning Amy didn’t make it any better. I didn’t particularly like that he was friends with her. I found myself tightening my grip on the steering wheel.

Once we got there and I parked the car, I didn’t move from my seat. I turned off the ignition, but stayed staring ahead with one hand on the wheel. Normally, I was good at concealing my anxiety the way I would conceal my dark under-eye circles. But this time, it was sheer coverage, and it caught Ethan’s attention.

“You okay?”

So much for having a nice time.

I sighed. “I’m so sorry, I should have said this sooner. I - uh, The Tube, uh… that place… um, I’ve had panic attacks there - or, one - and, it just - it scares me, that’s all. I’m sorry, I should have said that from the start. Es que, solo quería - when you asked me out, I got so excited and I didn’t even think about where exactly we were going, but now we’re here… and I-I want to spend time with you, I just, I can’t go in there.” The last few words were the only things to come out coherently. I had spoken so quickly it made my head spin.

Ethan didn’t say anything at fired. I could see him looking at me through my peripherals, and it was daunting. But then he let out a relieved sigh, which made me look at him.

“I thought you were gonna say that you didn’t wanna go out with me,” he said, taking a deep breath. “Okay, so fuck The Tube. Where else should we go?”

“Wait, you’re not mad? Or annoyed?” I asked stupidly.

“Of course not, I understand,” he reassured. “I just want you to be comfortable.”

~

After calling several restaurants for availability and driving around the city, we settled for some random drive-thru and eating in the car. It wasn’t glamorous or ideal by any means, but at least we were having some time together. Being in the comfort of my car kept me calm as well, and I had an appetite to go with it.

“Oh, so have you listened to the songs I gave you?” Ethan asked me.

“That was from, like, a million years ago,” I said.

“But did you? I listened to yours?”

I was genuinely surprised by that. “You did?”

He nodded before taking a mouthful of fries.

Meanwhile, I was trying to fight off a smile. “Um… well, I did listen to yours. Let’s see, ‘She’ is my anthem. ‘Intertwined’ is… sweet and calming. ‘When’ fucked me up, and it’s probably my favorite.”

“Good, those are good ones,” he said. “I liked ‘Touch.’ Uh, the acoustic version, not so much the other one. I also really liked ‘The End’ and ‘Secret Love Song.’ They’re really talented.”

My heart was fluttering with every word. But there was still a shred of doubt in my mind that he was just saying that to be polite.

“Wait,” I said, deciding to test him. “Part one or part two?”

“Two,” he replied. “I cried a little, listening to it.”

“Really?” I was terrible at not sounding like a lovesick puppy. “It’s like, one of my favorite songs. I know it’s depressing as fuck, but it’s relatable.”

Ethan paused. “You’ve… been in a secret relationship?”

I chuckled. “Yes, but that’s not why I love that song.” Suddenly, I hesitated. You never stop coming out in life, but every time I had to made me nervous. “It’s an LGBTQ anthem, and I’m bisexual… and, it’s felts like I’ve always had to… hide it, I guess. Or, ignore it for the sake of the other person?”

He nodded, but had a confused look on his face. “What do you mean?”

Now I had to shift in my seat to properly explain this. “Basically, if I date a girl, people think I’m a lesbian. If I date a guy, they think I’m straight and I’m all but kicked out of the LGBTQ community.”

“Oh man, that sucks. You’re hiding apart of who you are, that has to be rough.”

“Yup. I try to fight it and correct people because…” I sighed. “I’m not ashamed of who I am…and there’s other people out there that need to see people be unapologetically bi.” I was about to go on another tangent, but I felt like this was getting too personal for a first date.

“That’s really nice,” Ethan said. “You want to be that for someone. I don’t know a whole lot about the LGBTQ community, but it’s really cool that you want to be… that.”

I nodded in response, taking a long sip of my drink. I didn’t expect him to know everything… Maybe I could educate him later on. That is, if he doesn’t think I’m insane or undateable. Or fragile. Oh god, did he think I was fragile?

Now that I was thinking about it, he hadn’t said anything about the intervention. We had been talking all night like normal people. Was he just being polite for my sake? Oh no, did he go out with me as a pick-me-up? Was I just a pity date?

Well, I was not going to tolerate that.

“We should be heading back,” I said, gathering my scraps and dumping them in the paper bag.

Ethan shifted in his seat, mildly surprised. “Okay…”

_______

next chapter

[nanowrimo]

I Published My NaNo-Novel: How Some Things Happen When You Least Expect Them

During January of our “Now What?” Months, we’re talking to Wrimos who’ve published their NaNoWriMo projects and asking them how they got there. Today, Katherine Webber, author of Wing Jones, shares her story about the ups and downs of querying multiple manuscripts:

I love everything about NaNoWriMo. I love the community. I love the writing sprints. I love that it forces writers to sit down and get all the amazing stories in their head out on paper. 

NaNoWriMo 2014 was my second time participating in NaNoWriMo. I’d done it the first time the year before, and I can still remember that feeling of euphoria when I hit 50K and won NaNo, and I knew I was going to be a NaNoWriMo devotee. My 2013 NaNo-novel wasn’t ready to go out in the world, but it did give me the confidence that I could write 50,000 words in a month.

I had an idea about a girl runner, but that was all I had. I didn’t know who she was or why she was running. I sat down on November 1 and started writing to find out her story. I think something about the fast pace of drafting during NaNo really helped the flow of my story, as I had to write the words almost as fast as my character was running. By the end of the month I had 50K. It was a hot mess of 50K, but a hot mess I could work with.

I followed proper NaNo advice and put it away for December, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. By the time January came around I couldn’t wait to get back to it and finish the story I’d started. Even though NaNo was over, I kept up my NaNo work ethic to finish and edit the manuscript. I shared it with two of my awesome beta readers to get feedback and make it the best book it could be. While I was editing, I was also querying another manuscript I’d finished earlier in 2014. Even though I was excited about it, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was even more excited about my new NaNo novel. Querying is hard, and can be discouraging, so it was great to have another new project to work on to distract me.

“I ended up with multiple offers of representation, including an offer from my dream agent, who had, interestingly enough, previously passed on my earlier manuscript.”

By the end of March 2015 my new novel, Wing Jones, was ready to go out to agents. By this time I’d heard back from almost all the agents I’d sent the previous manuscript to, so I was ready to move on. But then, in a crazy turn of events, the week after I sent out Wing Jones, I ended up getting an offer of representation on the previous novel! I was thrilled, but by this point, I knew that Wing Jones was a stronger book, and the one I wanted to get representation for. I sent a flurry of emails to all the agents who had Wing Jones, letting them know I had an offer of representation and giving them a chance to counter offer. I ended up with multiple offers of representation, including an offer from my dream agent, who had, interestingly enough, previously passed on my earlier manuscript. 

I signed with her in May; we went out on submission in June; and within two weeks, I had offers from nine publishers. When my agent and I told them that the bulk of the first draft had been written in one month, they couldn’t believe it.  I ended up with a two book deal from Delacorte/Random House in the US and Walker Books in the UK. Wing Jones came out in the UK on January 5th and  will be out in the US on March 14th (titled The Heartbeats of Wing Jones). I wrote the first draft of my second book during NaNoWriMo 2015, so right now I’m in the process of editing that. I started a new project for NaNoWriMo 2016, and while I didn't "win" because I had to prioritize editing my contracted second book, I still got a good head start on my next YA novel.

The best advice is the simplest to give and the hardest to follow: Make writing a priority. Don’t give up. Keep writing. It doesn’t matter if you are a plotter or a pantser, if you are a sloppy drafter or edit as you go, just finish. And then, after you’ve finished and edited it and made it the very best it can be, start writing the next thing. You can do it.

Katherine Webber is originally from California and currently lives in London with her husband. She has also lived in Hong Kong, Atlanta, and Hawaii.  Travel, books, and eating out are her favorite indulgences. She spends far too much time on Twitter so come say hello @kwebberwrites. Her debut novel The Heartbeats of Wing Jones will be published by Delacorte/Random House on March 14th. 

[mceproductions]

December 2018 Blurbs

12/1/18 The final Chapter on 2018's book began with me checking out the sequel to Wreck It Ralph. And it was Near perfect in every way possible. What wasn't was my drive back and the snowstorm that laid waste to the road, never had driven in snow that bad until today. Honestly was shaking for nealry 20 miles. Luckilly came back in time to see Bama win in epic fashion. I may not like them but they are #1. UCF won as well hopeful they can make the jump. 12/2/18 Connor ended up picking up a new kitten, he and Amber named Nelson. Now I know how Peele felt in Keanu. That cat was adorable and so sweet to be around. Especially that poofball tail. Packers stink as usual to the point where McCarthy got fired during his postgame press conference. Bama, Clemson, and Oklahoma will batlle on the 29th to see who gets the chance to play in Santa Clara. Notre Dame will join them, this should be expanded by all counts. 12/3/18 Andrew has another job, this one late at night. Hoping he'll stick this out. Heisman this year went down to the 3 QB's from Bama, Oklahoma and Ohio State. Wonder how the finalst math is done to drop the number from 5 to 3. Gifts need to be sent out to Eric and Company soon. New Tree skirt looks hopefully ok. 12/4/18 Stuff can take the cake really quickly when it comes to life. Connor apparently has broken things off with Amber now his gut is killing him. Karma at its finest people. Other than that, I don't mind having to get called out to do carts what irks me is when someone like Cole, drops off so I'm completley alone out there. His weaseled out method just really iritates me more. Bowl Mercahndise looking rather dull this year, may save money along those lines. 12/5/18 Well, Connor may have gut problems like me. The real kicker is how incompitent our hospital is here, and how they were throwing in words like liver failure and appendix issues. Grabbed mounted photo which allowed me to finish wrapping the gifts to be sent out to Eric and them. Hopeful that Eli Like gummi Bears. Main gift hunting will begin next week. Do love Holiday seaons, and all that they entail. 12/6/18 The cat may be be cute, but Connor breaking, entering and placing him on me in the middle of the night. Nope. He, can really take the cake when it comes to not knowing how to amicably end a relationship. Rebought Hobbit and that gave me, Legos for the first time in 15 Years. Will only get the Target lego hobbit editons and that will be it. Survey for class is adjusted and will hopefully be done by weekends end. Seminar I still have to do, hoping Dad will give a hand with that. Looking forward to Mamoa on SNL. 12/7/18 Pearl Harbor, a tragic event that led to a worse movie. But on this day there should be a new atalige on when it rains it pours for the winter. I call it When it snows it bursts, cause we all had issues today. Bravada may have a frozen gear shift. Eric lost another girlfriend, Connor may be out of a job, and Andrew may actually be doing better than any of us for once. This is a burst of bad luck. 12/8/18 A day that i had originally set out to do nothing now had me doing even less, thanks to the Bum gear shift. Not sure how we can fix that, other vehicle still waits in the wings. Watched more SpongeBob then i had in a long time wow I missed a bunch. Could really use some good in these next few days. 12/9/18 Packers finally won, just need miracles to happen in order to squeak into wild card. Vehicles e break lite may give me clue in order to fix it. Winter and Christmas need to show up quicker cause it certainly doesnt feel like it especially not around here. 12/10/18 Early night when it came to the back. Used VTO to leave early, stinks i lost a day but at least i caught up on stuff. 12/11/18 Bravada i bought finally became mine with licence plates. Saving insurance for after Christmas. Store had less on today which made the work at least plenteful. But the group with the exception of me and 2 others all left at 9:50 as we got left with the bulk of the cleanup. Not cool in the slightest. 12/12/18 First day with Bravada, not a bad go of things. Penultimate class, surprisingly am at an A hoping i can get this done within the next week. Contingency plan needed for tomorrow, will see SpiderMan on Saturday and hold off on Aquaman until after Christmas. 12/13/18 Nice to find out i can still tack miles on my feet. Will need to do that again soon. Packages got sent including book for retun. Retuned a bunch of stuff for gift stipened, hoping dad likes revenant more than hacksaw ridge. South Park finale made no sense. 12/14/18 Saving spiderverse for sunday, mainly so i can get rid off stuff at BAM, more cash more presents. Will still read Mortal Engines even though movie looks lousy. A lot of ties on countdown, and just discovered a couple i overlooked. Binging Bob's Burgers like crazy. Man that show is a lot better than i gave it credit for. Busted truck is gone from parking lot, didn't expect to have to have management nearly call cops on stolen vehicle though. 12/15/18 Day from hell is an understatement. Eric getting arested, Im working on stuff and Andrew seemed to not know when to keep his mouth shut. Bowl games starting today brought only form of relief. 12/16/18 Better day, Animated Spiderman was something to behold. Got bulk of christmas shopping out of the way. Bravada held up just wished i could get it back fully. Packers got knocked out of postseason. Just hope we can win one more, at least chances are good. Smash Bros Ultimate is awesome. 12/17/18 Mom's gift now safley wrapped. Football continues and the Saints better be hoping they stop stinkin things up. 12/18/18 Cap 2 was down to 4 with a mysterious virus going round. As everyone left by 6, i managed to get out early. Just hoping this doesnt come back to bite me in the butt. Hoping to wrap up gifts by Friday, Aquaman on Saturday may be possibile. Glad thats in town at least. Also did annual watch of Haruhi Suzumiya movie, how come they can't make a movie that long in America. Stinks it has to be shorter than 2 for animated. 12/19/18 Last Class, thankfully was short and sweet. Walked out in good mood after making thank you card. Just curious to know when i may get funds, cause have to take 2 classes otherwise just to get scholarship. Rose Bowl shirt looks great. Will finish gift wrapping by friday at least. 12/20/18 I dont know why but it just doesnt feel like christmas this year. Snow almost gone, skies are dreary and whatever mood were in around here just keeps going up. Better Days by Goo Goo Dolls seems more and more perfect in telling the moood were in right now. Hoping for a few good days, free christmas dinner at store tommorow should lift funk. 12/21/18 The mood certainly is festive store wise. Finished grabbing gifts. Wil be hoping they like them. 12/22/18 Down to the single digits in days left of 2018, one goal of mine i wished i picked up more on was the sign language aspect. Will be putting that back on the 2019 docket. Store for a few more days. Just hoped to go watch Aquaman thanks to VTO but based on what i got coming, better to hold off on that. 12/23/18 Penultimate truck of 2018, thankfully got that done by 10, finally got tree from mountain, bulbs i picked up worked brillantly. Hard to belive it all ends in a week. Good year overall. 12/24/18 Short 4 hours with only Chris and Cheyenne. Best store day of the year in which we turn off all lights and tell people who come in to leave. Cole on the other hand, once again, i got drugged out to fix his mess. Not pleasent. What was was prime rib and quiet dinner with family before i gave them gifts. Poofball hat idea worked on all but Dad may have to return his. Looking forward to nba on christmas day. Wonderful life and Polar Express double feature to round things out. 12/25/18 Linus from peanuts says it all. With angellic hosts proclaim christ is born in bethlehem. 12/26/18 Amazing how one day in total silence with family can turn into one explosive return to reality. All for the best 5 days of the year i suppose. Aquaman movie ended up being pretty great, never figured Julie Andrews would play a squid. Badgers Bowl game tomorrow then final day of work for year on friday. Just hopin i can get final blog posted on monday before library closes. Year is rapidly closing fast. Also 2nd Charlie Brown Christmas special sucks, a little bit much on the meaning of the season and not on what made the first special great all around. 12/27/18 Rain filled the day, a lot of water that may turn whatever snow we have into ice. Badgers won in Yankee Stadium and tomorrow is Walmart 2018 finale for me. Just wish i didn't have a week off after that, but i can make do with micro paycheck for a bit. Already trying to figure 2019 Goals, dont know whether to up it or lower it. Found Attack on Titan Season 3 on Digital. Yeah gonna be good tv this weekend. 12/28/18 The 2018 Season finale at Wallyworld. Epicly enjoyable. Just miffed that  have a week off with little to no Coverage coming in. May seek alternative option. Truck tire thankfully got fixed but other issue may now have arisen. Bad luck streak wrapping this year up strong isn't it? 12/29/18 Another college football playoff another Bama Clemson beatdown. At least Kyler and Oklahoma actually put up a fight. Not sure what movie to see tomorrow. Possibly saving Bumblebee for next week, or VICE. 12/30/18 Entry 364 and on this penultimate day, I chose to go see the Mary Poppins sequel. Oh man it was charming. The welcome balance of modern with slight hat tips to what came before. Packers embarrassingly concluded thier season. Orville came back on tonight and that was equally good, a bunch of side plots that somehow all culminated in one odd ritual where Bortus took a dump, and it was good. Looking forward to adding that on DVR. 5 Packages to send out tomorrow, not sure what i'll be doing when ball drops. 12/31/18 Bye Bye Yesterday...The culmination of 365 Days of life, and as we conclude 2018 I think, there was so much more I could have gotten done. 2 Weddings, A Super Bowl visit, watching Connor finish school, buying my first vehicle, nearly seeing a sporting event, and a prmomotion at wally world. So much more I could have squeezed in. Finished today up with helping dad with bread, and  he made chili, hoping that that wont make us all sick as hes been these last few days. As for this journaling buiness.  I may look into continuing this come 2019. After all that is now as i have put it the year of the endgame.  Definetly would want to chronicle that. Though maybe i'll go the Your Name Route and download an app to chronicle that for my Phone and Ipad. Here's to you 2018, now as Thanos snaps at 11:53 you'll crumble to dust and fade away in our minds and hearts. Its time for the next chapter, and im ready...To Be hopefully continued.

                                       End of 2018 Journal

[junker-town]

Jeremy Lamb needed an NBA home to find his way

After an uneven start to his career, the Hornets’ 25-year-old shooting guard is ready for his shot in Charlotte.

He was struck by the same problem that, a few years ago, could have put a cap on his NBA career. Jeremy Lamb just couldn't get it going.

It was late November, and the Charlotte Hornets were down one point in a nailbiter against the Cleveland Cavaliers. A 38 percent three-point shooter on the season, Lamb was 4-of-15 on the night and had missed four of his five deep attempts.

But in the final moments, he was given an opportunity to render his earlier struggles meaningless. More importantly, he had the chance to get the Hornets even. A win would have been their fourth straight, given them a .500 record, and it would have come with an even more elusive badge of honor: a victory against the Eastern Conference champs.

Kemba Walker, Charlotte's crunch-time impresario, was being smothered by LeBron James, but Cavs shooting guard J.R. Smith couldn’t stick as closely to Lamb’s 6’5” frame. Lamb snuck above the break. Smith dove into the paint. Walker swung the ball to Lamb.

With four seconds remaining, and Smith approaching, Lamb had only one option: Let it fly.

It felt rushed. Like he was one step beyond his comfort zone. Like he wasn't ready. Like he was stepping into a moment that had never belonged to him. But, in that moment, the team's best player had entrusted him with the ball and with the responsibility. The shot caromed off the rim. Cleveland escaped with a win.

The moment was disappointing, but only in the absence of perspective. There was a time Lamb couldn't have imagined taking a go-ahead shot to win the game, when every missed shot could have been his last opportunity. By the end of his three-year tenure with the Oklahoma City Thunder, who acquired him in 2012, the only fourth-quarter minutes he saw were in garbage time.

Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

It was never supposed to be this complicated for Lamb. He could have been one-and-done, being drafted in the same class with Walker, his then-and-current teammate. Together, they led UConn to the 2011 national championship. But Lamb opted to stay, and the pressure of being the No. 1 option wore on him. He was still drafted by the Rockets as a late-lottery pick after his sophomore season, becoming a key piece in the trade that sent James Harden to Houston. It threatened, after three inconsistent years with the Thunder, to be his sole claim to NBA significance.

"There were times I felt like I was almost out the league," Lamb admitted, reflecting on his time as a member of the Oklahoma City Thunder. "I don't know my exact lowest point, but I was up and down from the D-League. I was on the bench for three years. It was real tough during that time."

A player who today is averaging 15.9 points per game on a team in the playoff hunt, a lanky 25 year old with a smooth jumper and delayed development that hints at a world of upside, could have easily slipped through the NBA's cracks.

But then he was traded to Charlotte.

Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images

"He was really looking for a role, looking to part of a team's plan right away. He was kinda searching," Stephen Silas, a Hornets assistant coach who works closely with Lamb, recalls. "We needed that scorer off the bench at the two position."

"There was a need that he could fill."

But opportunity, it turns out, isn't everything. Lamb's upward trajectory since his arrival in Charlotte, head coach Steve Clifford and Silas insist, has been accompanied by a consistent increase in his work ethic.

“He's the product of hard work and having a great attitude.” said Clifford. “Shocking, right?

“If you look at his strength level, his body and his game, he's really just made gradual improvements in every area,” he continued.

In the early going of the 2014-2015 season, Lamb had a chance to make an impression in Oklahoma City. With Kevin Durant still on the mend from a broken foot, the Thunder’s starting shooting guard, Andre Roberson, sprained his foot and had to miss eight games. Lamb, who had yet to play a minute that season, found himself thrust into the starting lineup. He responded with occasional scoring torrents that eventually became rarer and rarer. He was scrawny, easy to overpower defensively, and a spot-up shooter that lacked the stamina to be consistent. When Roberson returned, Lamb came off the bench. Five games into Durant's return, Lamb was phased out of the rotation yet again.

Some players are born ready. Others grow into their abilities and responsibilities. Lamb couldn't envision himself in a key role in Oklahoma City, so he wasn't prepared for it. The operating cliche for every rotation player that gets inconsistent minutes, of course, is “stay ready.“ But even among the world's most single-minded and competitive people, things aren't that simple. It's hard to keep doing your homework when the teacher never checks it. In a league where “process over results” has morphed from a marketing pitch for one team into a leaguewide ethos, it's important to remember that imparting that wisdom to twenty-year-olds is not always easy.

"Coaches get credit for a lot of things," Clifford said. ‘You helped develop this guy.’ Here's the thing about playing really well in this league. It always starts and ends with the player. When you play 82 games, it's not about motivational speeches or bringing them out and talking to them. If you're not self-motivated, and if you don't get into a routine and work at it, which is what he's done, it's hard to play well."

Lamb himself admits that it was harder to stay focused when he couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. After getting spot minutes his first season in Charlotte in 2015-2016, Lamb upped his game that offseason. The overall results next season were a mixed bag, but he improved as the season went along.

"His per-36 minutes numbers last year were quite a bit better in the last 26 games than they were in the first 56,” said Clifford.

The Hornets rewarded Lamb with a three-year, $21 million contract extension. He responded with his most regimented offseason to date.

"I tried to start being in bed at a reasonable time, and get a good night's rest rather than staying up all night," Lamb said. "Just trying to eat right. I'm still not 100 percent healthy when I'm eating but I try to eat more salmon, grilled chicken, try to eat more vegetables, more fruit."

He went full throttle in the weight room, bulking up in a summer many NBA players seemed to spend slimming down, determined not be bumped out of the lane or exploited one-on-one any longer.

"I think him seeing that success at that point in the season propelled him into this past summer," says Silas.

That's Mr. Lamb, if you're nasty. #BuzzCity http://pic.twitter.com/Lz4d2GTZ6R

— FOX Sports: Hornets (@HornetsOnFSSE) December 2, 2017

Lamb's improvement flies in the face of the notion that role players tend to rest on their laurels after landing a big contract. Sure, there are plenty of examples to hold that theory up, but everybody's different. Some people thrive in order more than they do chaos. Lamb needed certainty. He needed structure. He needed a home.

Right now, the Hornets are 8-13, three games back of the playoffs. They are 16 points per 100 possessions worse when Walker sits, both a testament to him and how desperate Charlotte is for shot creation when he’s out, especially with Nicolas Batum working himself back from an elbow injury. The Hornets need Lamb's scoring off the bench. They need his consistency. They need him, eventually, to hit those game-winning shots. The same way he needed them to let him take it.

A Sideline Story

Karl Anthony-Towns has a litany of reasons to wish he wasn't in the spotlight right now. After two seasons as the golden boy of the NBA, the potential-seekers have come to collect, and they're not happy. Why haven't the projected defensive improvements come to fruition? Why hasn’t he turned into a dominant offensive force like Kristaps Porzingis or Joel Embiid?

And, well, folks, I'm not writing this to ease the burden. Add another question to the list: Does Towns have the most inefficient stride in the world? Seriously, he constantly looks like he’s running for the subway but trying to avoid human obstacles.

For a guy who can double as a ballet dancer in the paint and finish with a shooter's touch on any side of the court, in traffic no less, he is an egregiously graceless runner, and screen-setter.

KAT will go down in history as the most athletic player to ever have mannerisms that remind you of your grandpa http://pic.twitter.com/GlXhNRmHMl

— Seerat Sohi (@DamianTrillard) November 9, 2017

This looks like a man who spent a lifetime leaning down to be at level height with his peers.

Maybe I’m off base here. Maybe Towns has spent hours under the tutelage of a P3 conditioner and its motion analysis determined that sprinting around like an imitation of an inflatable tube-man was the best way for him to achieve peak performance.

Everybody’s different.

After all, Towns is one of the few unique, shifty seven-footers in the NBA to not find himself set back by a major injury (knock on wood).

In the likely scenario that this isn’t the case, here’s some advice: Stand up straight. Arms shoulder-width apart, catapulting up as the opposite leg takes a stride forward, and so on.

Or perhaps, perhaps, I could work on improving my posture before correcting somebody else’s. But that’s as likely to happen as Towns is to read this.

[rueur]

Morning Pages #50 (04.11.2017)

Saturday 4th November - 7:52 a.m.

So a lot has happened. A lot has changed. I think it’s fitting that I’m starting this up again the day after I submitted the last assignment of my degree. That, and I’m right back where I started the very first day I started these morning pages: back at Emily’s apartment in Northcote. Except it’s my apartment now! Mine and Evan’s. We moved in together on the 12th of August, because Emily is going to be living in Sydney for most of her time now. She’ll still be travelling interstate for a bit, but she’ll be spending a lot more time with Bruno and Romy and Quinn, her partner. We’re still receiving a lot of her mail, which I haven’t had the time to forward to her because of uni and work and everything, but I’ll have the time now, I suppose.

Anyway, I should let you know that I am indeed on track to graduate, on the 15th of December with a weighted average mark of over seventy, which is fucking incredible. I actually cannot believe I’ve been able to do this, uninterrupted for three years despite all the shit that’s come my way through it all. I am actually an incredibly strong person, and I forget that so often because of all my momentary bouts of fear, of all my apprehensions and timidities. I have to acknowledge that it takes so much strength to just be who I am. I’ve communicated that to Evan and he understands what I’m talking about, for the most part. I’ve told him a lot about my grandparents, and my parents, my sister, Ikaros, and all my pets. We’re thinking of getting a dog, Evan and I. It’s just that we don’t really have the space for one here so we’ll have to move first, which is a shame because I’m really enjoying living in this apartment with him. This place is basically the setting of our first few months together. On our first date he dropped me off here, we kissed goodnight on the steps outside. The first time we had sex was in this room. I’m fairly certain I wrote about that so I won’t write about it again now. Far too much has happened to be looking that far back.

Anyway, yeah, we’re thinking of getting a dog. I’ve been going to adoption days a lot, mostly by myself because Evan’s been working so much. But we went to one together on the 29th of October because it was a Sunday and it was just up the road at the Northcote pet warehouse. There was a dog there named Raven who just came up to me right away and gave me a massive hug, the little thing. My heart is breaking all over again just thinking about her. I really want to find her again and rescue her. Oh man I haven’t done this in ages and my fingers and my arms are hurting from writing this fast. I used to be able to get these pages done in like fifteen to twenty minutes and it’s been ten minutes already now and I’m not even finished with the first page. I’m getting there though. I suppose you have to maintain the habit for this to feel as easy as it had felt in March or in April. I want to keep writing about all the stuff that’s happened since June but I know that technically these entries aren’t supposed to be like a diary at all. I just choose to write about my day and my life and Evan and all of that because it’s what’s on my mind most of the time, and it’s nice to have a record of that stuff, I suppose. I haven’t been able to record me and Evan moving in together which is a shame because I had recorded a good bulk of the beginning of our relationship. Ooh! Second page now! My arms are hurting a lot I think I may have to change the way I’m sitting right now. I’m lying down facing the window and listening to Childish Gambino’s ‘The Night Me And Your Mama Met’ on repeat. This song is just so soothing, it’s been really nice to write essays to. Okay, I’m changing the way I’m sitting right now though. I was only sitting this way because my laptop needed to charge a bit but now it’s on 66% and that should be enough to finish off these last two pages.

Evan and I had sex last night, it was the first time since Sunday, I think. We’ve been having a bit of a periodic sex life because of all the clutter we’ve had to deal with: Evan’s prolonged work hours, my crazy uni/work schedule, and the fact that I only get evening/weekend shifts at my restaurant. Yes, I’m working at a place on High Street in Thornbury, a place I handed out my resume to with Wren and it turns out they liked me and they hired me, back at the end of July. It’s a pretty okay gig. $20 an hour, and the evening shifts are about 5 hours long so 2 evening shifts a week and 2 weekend shifts, I end up making about $400 a week: basically more or less the same as Evan for less than half the hours Evan works. But I am hating the fact that working at the shop takes away my entire weekends, most of the time, and Evan’s entire week is taken over by his work. So we don’t really have too much time together. I’m looking for full-time work right now, something I can do with my degree. Kill Your Darlings is hiring and I think it might be good to look into that? There’s a good chance they may hire me just because I used to be a subscriber! Actually I think I might still be a subscriber, but I haven’t been reading anything at all. I should probably do my research.

Anyway I’m working today. 11:30 a.m. till 12 a.m. which may or may not be 1 a.m. because I might have to close the shop. I hope not, though. I just got my period, last night. During sex. Evan was cleaning up afterwards and the condom was just all covered in blood. His fingers were all covered in blood. It was strange, but thankfully he didn’t seem to mind it. But goodness, this morning I woke up and felt like I was either going to explode, or that I was so empty that my body would collapse in on itself and I would turn into a black hole. I took a dump and I’m yet to eat, but I’m feeling a lot better now. I miss Evan though, I miss him so much. He left at like half past seven and I won’t see him again till LATE tonight because of my dumb restaurant job. They’ve also been hiring other people which means I’m not getting as much shifts or as much choice of shifts and it’s really fucking irritating. The place is so mismanaged. And although the work is pleasant and the people are lovely (with one exception: Josh), being there is just not good for me, I think. That and I’m keen to finally find something in my field. I’ve been working three years, getting my qualification so that I can contribute to Melbourne’s creative industry. I mean I’ve been doing that with The Yarra Reporter, but I want to do MORE. That, and it would be nice to be paid, you know?

Actually, I’m also thinking of volunteering at an animal shelter. To get my dog fix until we can actually adopt a pet ourselves. We really can’t have one at Mitchell Street, as much as I would like and as much as I’ve been trying to persuade both myself and Evan that we can...it’s just not a viable option. This is no place for a dog. A tiny, second floor apartment with one human who’s barely ever home and then me, who’s looking for full-time work as well. I really don’t know what I’m going to be doing with myself though. Sam said she’d write me a letter of recommendation to work at Robinsons, but I’ve been thinking about that and I don’t know if I’d want to work at Robinsons. So I’ve been asking myself what I DO want to do, and I don’t know if anything’s at all appealing right now. All the creative writing jobs on Seek are ‘content writer’ or ‘social media manager’ or something like that, which could be fun but it also could be totally capitalist and soul-destroying. But the main thing that’s put me off Robinsons is the fact that it’s retail and I’ll have to make ‘sales’ and be equally capitalistic. Fucking hell though, it can’t really be avoided, can it? I applied for The University of Melbourne’s Master of Secondary Teaching, specialising in English and SOSE. There’s a very real chance I’ll be accepted into that, but I don’t want to be a teacher either. Not right away, that is. In all honesty, I see myself doing that eventually...but definitely not right out of uni. It’s a personal belief of mine that teachers should have a fair amount of life experience under their belts before they return to high school on the other side of it all as teachers. The best teachers I had were teachers who’d lived, and who’d taken their field by storm, seen all there was to see and then used all their passion and experiences in their classrooms. I want to be a teacher like that, and in order to do that I’ll need to be really really brave and step right into the creative industry. That means time to write more slam poems, time to write short stories and novellas and novels and enter them into competitions, time to write articles and send them to Djed and Peril and KYD and Going Down Swinging, everybody. Time to do a lot more at The Yarra Reporter, time to make myself fucking prolific. I have to be everywhere, doing everything. Rue Tunga on the scene with my camera and notepad in hand, taking in all that Melbourne has to offer and spewing it all out in the form of CULTURE. I’m actually terrified right now, but writing this has gotten my head together a bit, it seems. I mean I needed this. It’s 8:22 a.m. now. It’s been a half hour of writing and I’m nearing the end of this third page. I’m not as slow as I was when I started this, that’s good to know. But to be fair, I’ve been writing non-stop all week. I had four assessment tasks due within a week of each other. And I had to finish them all one after the other. I think the worst one by far was my gothic fictions essay. I got my last one back and it turns out I didn’t do too well on it: H3. Part of me thinks it was justified and part of me doesn’t. But I swear to god I deserve way better on this last essay I did on Dracula and Frankenstein. I compared the two monsters alongside the era they were written in.

Oh, so I’m running out of space now, so I’ll just say one more thing before I’m done for the day. Evan and I got a lift to my restaurant (from Wren and their cousin Tahni who’s visiting from Queensland) to hand in my employee papers (it’s been cash in hand since I started, like everybody’s been cash in hand up until now) and then we were walking back home when we decided to get some stir fry things to eat with the rice I had in the rice cooker at home. We bought food stuffs and were walking down Mitchell Street when Evan slipped and fell on our bag of prawn crackers. He got so mad he swore REALLY loud and then flung the bag into the street. He said he almost threw our food too. Then he walked home really briskly and left me behind a bit. We got home and the rice hadn’t cooked because I hadn’t turned the rice cooker onto ‘COOK’ it was just on ‘WARM’ for three hours. So Evan, in a continued state of agitation, ordered three packs of steamed rice from Loving Hut on UberEats. Fucking hell. I flipped the rice cooker on, and our rice was done before the Uber rice came. He said he almost punched a hole through the door, and he almost threw our whole bag of food. Because he slipped and fell. It was a bit of a stressful scene. But it was followed by some nice food and Dexter, and a really honest and loving night, and some great - if not slightly bloody - sex.

[davidpires578]

My Journey As A Creative Designer - Woodworking and Beyond #1817: Habits

As we begin a new month, I realize how quickly January has slipped by. Time has always seemed so relentless to me, but lately, I find that to be true more than ever.  Many of you have noticed that I haven't been writing as regularly or as often as I used to. After over six years of daily posting, I find that I have, indeed, backed off a bit and have taken a bit of a break from it. It felt odd at first, but soon it became something of a 'habit' to NOT write (funny how that happens!) and I found myself lost in the disarray of the things that life had thrown my way. For someone that likes things neatly in order, that isn't really a good thing, although perhaps it was something that was necessary for me to stop and take a breath and cope.  The landslide began in early December. Losing Pancakes so suddenly shook me to the core. I still don't know why it hit me so hard. After all, I am an adult and lost people and pets before. Perhaps it was that it was so unexpected and I felt that I was blindsided by it. We think that those we love are safe and sound here with us, but we never know what the next day really has in store for us, do we? To say I was "unprepared" was a gross understatement. I suppose when I knew he was going into exploratory surgery, I should have prepared part of my head for the worst. But I chose not to do that. He was still young and at only nine years old the youngest cat I ever lost. Things weren't supposed to happen the way they did.  Then, while I was still reeling from that, my other cat Richard became gravely ill. Since my nerves were already raw, I found myself wondering if this world could be so cruel as to take two of my beloved companions from me one after the other? Surely that wouldn't be the case! But the rest of December was spent nursing him back to health and going through the trauma of bringing him into emergency not once, but twice to save his life. The roller-coaster of emotions those weeks again took their toll on Keith and I both psychologically and physiologically. I think we were both physically and emotionally drained, even though it was supposed to be the "merriest time of the year."  It is no wonder that we have both been fighting colds and flu for the past several weeks. First me, then Keith and now me with another round of things. It has been a long haul and I am not surprised that my body had revolted. Between the stress of everything and the sadness, it is no wonder we are volatile to being sick.  So I spent the first month of the new year 'getting by' and more or less doing what I had to do to push the pile.  Surprisingly, I was able to accomplish some things. I had some new painting designs that were really well-received and Keith also had some new patterns that did well. I was able to fill the many orders for wood pieces that I had in a semi-timely manner. Sometimes things were a little slower, but I am just about caught up now and happy about that. People were so darn nice about it, knowing that I wasn't 100% that it made me just want to do things better. It is funny how positive reinforcement encourages us to want to do better, isn't it? The nicer they were, the quicker I wanted to get things out. We actually wound up with January being one of our best months ever on the site, and I find myself scratching my head this February 1st and wondering how in the heck that could have happened. I suppose throwing myself into my work happened more often than I thought. I truly am grateful to all of you, our customers, for supporting us. It helps to know that you all appreciate what we do here. (Again – the positive reinforcement!) Today I woke up early again. After two months of sleeping when I can and getting later starts to my day, it actually felt GOOD to get up on the early side of the morning again. My cold isn't gone, but I did notice an 'improvement' today. I am still taking medicine, but I have a feeling it is finally on its way out. Life is getting back to 'normal'. I am healing.  The purpose of this post is both for your benefit as well as for my own. I find that I am a person of "habit" and I want to kick-start myself into getting back in the habit of writing again. I always maintained that my blogging helped me as much as it did others. It seemed that I accomplished more simply by mapping out my plans each morning, no matter how brief or mundane they were. It helped me set my goals for the day, and become accountable to myself. It has really helped me maintain the self-discipline needed to succeed in owning my own business. While I needed a bit of a break during these tumultuous times, I think it is about time that I get back into things. It just feels like the time to do so. Life goes on.  So what is on today's agenda?   I am going to spend the bulk of the day packing up the many orders that I completed cutting out the past several days. Surprisingly, that should take most of the day for me to do. I say "surprisingly" because one wouldn't think I need to tally that part of time that it takes to pack and label boxes, write out customs forms, and process them at the post office. As the business grows, I realize that larger chunks of time need to be dedicated to this part of the day. I need to consider that as part of the 'job' and respect it. Otherwise, I will always be off in my estimations of time that it takes for me to do things. I mention this because I realize that many of you who read also own your own businesses. This part of the day will grow as you become more successful. They can't be ignored.  I then want to start my "Day 11" ornaments from my 12 days project from Lynne Andrews. We still have many people in our Facebook group who need to continue with the project and I want to be there for them not only to help them but to let them know that we all get side tracked and that is OK. I am so close to finishing my six sets and I don't want to fall down at the finish line.  My near-future goals are many. I actually have a new and fun scroll saw project that I have drawn and cut out that is waiting to be completed. All I have to do is assemble it and do the pattern. It is something that I think many will enjoy and use. I was working on it when Pancakes died and it has been hard to go back to it, but I am nearly ready.  For my painting followers, I have many new things on the horizon – both as collaborations with other designers and on my own. I only ask that you come back to read and see what I am up to. I think you will enjoy seeing the many things I have in mind.  And I need to do some things with embroidery, too . . .  As you can see, I am feeling much more positive and moving in a better direction. I know I will get back into the habit of posting daily again. It may just take a little time. For those of you who are new to reading, I hope you learn a lot and enjoy the journey with me. For those of you who have been with me for a while, you know what I am capable of doing. I appreciate your patience with me these past several weeks and promise some fun, new adventures await. I enjoy your thoughts and input and truly treasure the friendships I have made through my posts here.  For now, I will show a couple of designs that you may like to see from our site. With Valentines Day approaching, I chose some pretty heart ornament patterns that we have available. First, there is Keith's Filigree Heart ornament pattern (SLDK205)

Then there is my own design of these pretty Damask style heart ornaments (SLD521)

Both patterns are fun and would make lovely gifts for your sweetheart this Valentine's day.  Thank you again to all my friends and followers. I can't wait to share our new thoughts and ideas with you all.  Have a great Wednesday!