#i knew some of this info beforehand too but it's still wrecking me to see the characters find out.... god

[junkmailmusubi]

ALLISON DONT SAY THAT MAN!!!!!!! DONT SAY THAT!!!!!! THATS AN AWFUL CHOICE OF WORDS RIGHT NOW OH GOD!!!!!!!!!!!

[salt-sass-and-lyrium]

So, let me tell y’all about the bullshittery that was last week

So, you might already know, but my Monday started off with me waking up determined to have a good day, slap a smile on my face, yada yada. Get all cute, leave early because I wanted to get breakfast, come downstairs and find out some fucknugget hit my goddamn car. I’ll skip the nonsense that’s going on with that, but just keep in mind that that’s how my week started

And it’s been rolling down shit hill ever since

Sticking under a read more because this is some insane bullshit

So I’m dealing with the cops and insurance and work bullshittery so my week isn’t going exactly well. But, oh well. Friday rolls around and I’m supposed to go see Pacific Rim with a friend and get sushi noms. Cool, ok that should at least make up for the shit week.

Annnd it probably would have. If not for what happened beforehand.

So I get off work and I’m super tired (because I stayed up with 21 year olds the night before doing shots forgetting that I am no longer 21) so I decide to power nap and then meet up with my friend.

I’m just starting to nod off when my phone vibrates several times. Ok, I figure someone’s (aka my crazy cat lady friend) is blowing up my Snapchat, but since I have plans I decide to peak and check. Turns out it’s my friend, let’s call her Y.

I haven’t heard from Y in quite sometime (which is a story for another post) so I was kinda surprised and scrolled through her messages. She apologized for more or less ghosting me for like 2 months and then went on this... well I’ll only say awkward ramble that basically boils down to

“... you aren’t having troubles with drug addiction, are you?”

And... no? Like, as most people probably know, I smoke pot, I’ll occasionally dabble in some harder stuff once every blue moon, really a few times a year if that, but that’s really about it. 

So, I’m like ???????????????????

And she goes “Well, I just hear things. And by ‘hear things’ I mean that’s what Sheila has been saying.”

And

... what

... the

... fuck

So, I begin the process of trying to unravel what fucking knot of shit fuckery is in front of me, and basically it boils down to:

For a while Y and Sheila have been messaging back and forth. Eventually they wound up on the subject of me and, according to Sheila:

‘We were “BFF”s until recently when she had to “walk away” from our friendship because my depression was just “too much” for her. But she knows I’m this huge druggy and so she’s really worried about me. But now we’re not ‘good friends anymore’ so she can’t check in on me herself, so she needs people to check in on me and report back to her so they can all figure out how best to help me.

Skipping past the “... who the fuck walks away from someone who they know is depressed..?” part

... literally all of that is bullshit.

Me and Sheila were barely friends, much less close.

Hell we were barely acquaintances. We were civil towards each other because we ran in the same circes, and I put up with her because I liked her then boyfriend, now ex-husband.

She didn’t walk away from our friendship, at all, let alone ‘recently’. I unfriended Sheila YEARS ago

after she wouldn’t stop trying to fuck my best friend’s boyfriend while they were together (and yes I know for an undeniable fact that was occurring) and cheating on her then fiance. She was just someone I didn’t want to associate with, because frankly, I’m a ho, but I don’t care for house wrecking hoes.

During the time me and Sheila were in communication, I wasn’t experiencing depression. 

 I was frankly about the happiest I’d ever been in my life. She’s literally never experienced my depression.

She can’t be worried about me because she’s blocked me on everything

(YEARS AFTER I unfriended her, mind you). 

Anyway. Sheila has been going around telling people, for quite some time it seems, that basically I’m this huge addict and who the fuck knows what else. And for the past few weeks, people have been unfriending or blocking me and I couldn’t figure out why. Til right fucking now.

Basically, she’s picking people who are still in contact with me, but not super close, and just telling this super elaborate lie in order to make them worried. Then, under the guise of being worried about me, pumping them for info on me. Asking about my posts, who I’ve been hanging with, so on and so forth.

And that...

That is just fucking SICK. Like, it’s one thing to go around whispering bullshit to people “Psst, I heard that she’s hooked on XYZ”, and another to actually go around to friends, or anyone in general, really, and prey on their fears and concerns to try and dig up dirt on me. Like, she had Y freaking out for days because she thought I was in serious trouble. But all the while, Sheila is just pumping her for info, asking for pictures I’ve posted and what not. 

Like.. how fucking dare you? What the actual fuck is wrong with you? To make sure I wasn’t overreacting, I shared the convo with a few friends, and a friend summed it up very simply:

“Sheila is a horrible person.”

And... that’s it exactly. Like, I’m sure coming from me it sounds petty or jealous but... it’s fucking true. It takes a horrible person to even think up something like that, let alone actually do it. And it’s not like these people are just my friends, they’re her friends too. So she’s just lying to her friends pretty much in an attempt to ruin my life. 

For clarification sake: I’ve literally never done a single thing to Sheila. Never spread a single rumor, never lied on her or to her, Hell I didn’t even tell her now ex-husband that she was cheating on him (in retrospect I should have). While I never liked or trusted her, I was always very friendly towards her, because that’s just how I am. I don’t think we’ve ever even spent one-on-one time together. And maybe aside from a few texts, have never had a one-on-one conversation. But, I was always kind towards her, up until she started fucking with my friends then I cut her out because well, ain’t nobody got time for childish drama. But I wasn’t mean or rude. I just unfriended her and moved on (again, because we weren’t really friends in the first place).

I haven’t even spoken to her, aside from a “hey” in easily 6 years. Like, no Instagram comments, nada.

But, we were “BFFs”!

The whole fiasco with Dan and Sheila was what... like 6 almost 7 months ago? Aside from seeing her in public a few times, we’ve literally had zero contact. And even when I saw her she was the one who was rude and we still didn’t speak.

So either:

1. She, nearly 7 months later, has decided to start shit with someone she’s literally had no contact with for several years and was never close with to begin with. And if that’s the case, why? What happened recently to make her even bother? (willing to bet something happened with Dan tho)

2. She’s literally been spreading shit and obsessing over me this whole goddamn time. 

And I’m honestly not sure which is sadder. Like, it’s deeply deeply pathetic. And tbh if she wasn’t going about it in such a shitty way, I’d feel more pity for her than rage towards her.

Because, frankly. Imma fuck her up.

She’s pushed past the point of me being nice. She’s pushed past my grace and patience. One of the few things I’m glad my mother taught me is:

“Don’t let your mouth write a check that your ass can’t cash.”

AKA “Don’t pop off at the mouth if you can’t take an ass whoppin’.”

And something tells me Sheila’s never had her ass kicked before. She’s never learned that lesson. And by golly isn’t it my civic duty to help her out?

But since I’m not a total thundering cunt, just a thundering cunt for the most part, I’ve decided to try the peaceful route first. I told Y and several other people I know are in contact with her that she needs to

Apologize to me

Apologize to the people she lied to and manipulated

Explain herself to all parties

Swear she’ll never do it again

Fuck off

Because, real talk? Still have zero desire to interact with her. Even outside of Dan Gate 2K17, I just personally don’t like her and I don’t trust her. Not because she’s a thot, I’m admittedly a bit of a ho myself in terms of ‘sexual promiscuity’. But because she’s, as my friend put it “A horrible person”. I don’t want to associate with anyone who thinks manipulating people with lies until they’re freaking out with worry so that you can pump them for dirt (on someone you barely knew tbh) is remotely kosher. It’s like something the “mean girl” in a teen drama would do. Except, we aren’t teens. We’re almost fucking thirty.

Anyway, I’m going to give it sometime for the message to reach her and for her to come to me. If she doesn’t, or if she does and is on some shit, I’m gonna fuck her up. I’m gonna fuck her up, and her car up for good measure. And yes, I know it’s illegal. Yes, I know I’ll likely get arrested. But, frankly, the amount of fucks I give about legal troubles is nil. It’d absolutely be worth it. Yeah, I’ll go to jail, but she won’t have fucking teeth and I dunno I think that’s the short end of the stick.

[naruto-oc-critiques]

Murasaki Fujiwara Review

Name: Fujiwara no Murasaki/ Murasaki Fujiwara

Age: 23 26/27 in Shippuden

Gender: Female

Personality: Fairly calm, intellegent, relatively cheerful, can be a bit mopey/morose depending on the mood

Chakra: Sensor-type

Physical traits; Blue Grey eyes, medium skin (not super pale, about Jiraiya’s color), square-ish jaw, long brown hair generally pulled into a ponytail, blue-green eyes with red lines beneath them, fairly average build if not a bit on the athletic side

She wears either the hakama/sode-kukuri of a miko or a standard flak jacket uniform.

To start, me likey. I love when japanese myths and history are used as inspiration for characters! YES. Also she’s a super cutie and I LOVE THIS PHOTO. I love the concept of Jiraiya having bastard kids, as I have 2 OC’s who are in that role, and she fits the role perfectly appearance wise. She’s not a clone of Jiraiya but still bears resemblance. Realistic gene pool using. :D

                -Murasaki was the result of a one night stand between Jiraiya and a b-list actress whose clan name was Fujiwara. The running joke is that Murasaki got more of her father’s looks (not a compliment). (She is still a cutie patootie. May I suggest that, running with your history things, that her mothers first name be Takako? :D Or something related that is.)

                - As a baby, Murasaki was dropped off at a Shinto shrine complex near Konoha (since the only thing her mother knew about Jiraiya was that he was a shinobi from Konoha). (Shinto shrines yes. Although, I would wonder why the mother didn’t bring her straight to Konoha and ask of the father’s whereabouts? Like a description and matching and whatnot? But hey, I still definitely see why she would be dropped off at a shrine. Lots of people drop unwanted babies off at places of religion.)

                -Murasaki was taken in by the priest and his family, who were generally okay to Murasaki, but the births of their own children made Murasaki feel like an outsider. (Tiny bit cliche but hey it’s realistic.)

                -While working as a miko at the shrine Murasaki met and befriended Obito (three years her elder), and developed a crush on him. (D’aw. How did they meet? Please tell me that the priest requested a D-rank mission for something and Minato’s team was sent out! :D) 

                -His stories made her fall in love with the idea of being a kunoichi (of course she didn’t see anything but the rosy outlook of what Obito told her). (Dang it, Obito. The naive idiot knucklehead ninja isn’t the best person to ask about being a ninja! Fudge nuggets.)

                - She became friends with Rin and an acquaintance of Kakashi’s (Kakashi developing a reluctant crush on her, but constantly belittling her/pushing her away emotionally). (Oooooooooooooooooo I want to know how Kakashi developed a crush on her? And ah yes, the old trope of “if a boy is being mean to you, that means he likes you” whatnot. Still realistic. Especially for Kakashi.)

                -Murasaki was invited to go to the memorial ceremony for Obito, this is where Jiraiya met her and immediately started asking where her parents were etc. (Considering her facial markings, as I would think they would be prominent by then, would he assume she were an Inuzuka possibly? :D)

                -A few weeks passed and Jiraiya came to remove Murasaki from the shrine and enroll her in the Ninja Academy. She went to class with Iruka and they became good friends. They used to harass Gai, and Murasaki became friends with him as well. (Iruka, you little devil. Also, I’d love to know more about how Jiraiya coped with the idea of having a bastard kid like Murasaki. She certainly didn’t inherit his personality, so he must be thrown for a loop whenever she opens her mouth.)

                -She kept bumping into Kakashi and the interactions were extremely awkward and unpleasant, giving her the impression he hated her. (Mucho cliche but again, seeing as they are teenagers, it’s super expected because that’s just human nature. Although, I think the word “hate” would be far too dramatic for a girl like Murasaki to use in the situation. You say she is calm, collected, and pretty intelligent. I don’t see her as a girl who would be overly… feminine. Especially in the boys department.)

Murasaki’s career consisted of:

                -Fighting against a small workers rebellion in the land of rice (under contract of daimyo). It was a complete blood bath. (Wowza. Me likey.)

                -Worked as an assistant/bodyguard for the emissary to the Daimyo (she began writing her memoirs in the Daimyo’s court (she gets her name from Murasaki Shikibu)) (+1)

                -Was captured on a mission by Orrochimaru, who took her dna, after which she was assaulted by one of his henchmen and was left very badly injured. (Why was Orochimaru interested in her DNA?)

                -Achieved the rank of Chunnin by age 16, but did a ‘soft retirement’ at age 20 (became too much of an anxious, emotional wreck to feel she could do her job, dealing with severe PTSD) (Considering the rebellion in the land of rice that you mentioned beforehand, I would say PTSD would be expected. Although, considering the timeframe you are working with, how did the villagers and her friends react to a retirement? Shun her? Understand?)

                -Had worked a little with the toads, earning her the moniker ‘The Priestess of Myoboku Mountain’. She mostly works with Shima, who is very maternal towards her.

                -Has a major fight with Kakashi, in which he lets it slip that he has feelings for her, which doesn’t go over well. Murasaki tells him to get more or less bent, but realizes she’s angry because she likes him, too. (Super rom-com-esque. What were they fighting about? :/)

                -Became an Aruki Miko/Spy for Konoha doing light peacekeeping work around the Land of Fire

                -After the death of the 3rd Hokage, Jiraiya met up with her at a shrine (the one which Naruto yanked the bell down from in the anime) and filled her in. She agreed to return to the village at that point. (Aw. She was probably super sad about Hiruzen’s death. I’d only assume this was after the Tsunade Retrieval Arc as Murasaki coming back to Konoha sort of feels less important in the overall picture.)

                -She tries to help with the seal Kakashi had put on Sasuke, but Orochimaru’s mark was too ‘infected’ at this point for her to do much. (Must purify the thing.)

                -Sometime around the time Sasuke leaves, she and Kakashi begin healing their friendship/seeing each other. (Cute but how did that happen? I need details on how they reconciled!)

                -between the first series and Shippuuden, they get married (Murasaki’s request, since I figure with her being strongly Shinto, she would probably want at least some ceremonial aspect to it). (MUCH RELIGIOUS BELIEF. Totally a plausible way to get around the whole “Kakashi isn’t the marriage type” idea. Thanks, religion!)

                -Has a son with Kakashi (still need to name him (I thought about Genji, since I’m going with a 'Lady Murasaki’ theme). (FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, YOU HAVE TO NAME THAT CHILD GENJI. DO IT. YOU HAVE TO.)

                -Thinking about having her die during the great Shinobi war, but I’d also like to see Kakashi happy and not losing another person he cares about. If she does survive, I was going to maybe put her on the Konoha Council during Naruto’s reign as Hokage or make her the emissary to the Daimyo. I definitely want to have her carry on the tradition of writing like her father, and publishing her memoirs as a kunoichi (as a work of fiction, but it’s entirely true).

(Don’t do that to Kakashi. That’s just too tragic. It’s realistic sure but at what cost? I’d say go along with the emissary idea as she has history WITH the emissary *being a bodyguard and whatnot.* And yes, she must write books. Not smut, but fiction please. Although, it would be super cute of her to be able to write a conclusion to the Icha Icha series just for Jiraiya’s fans (and Kakashi) closure. I can totally see Murasaki saying “I don’t know how he wrote such…. SMUT. without a care in the world.” And Kakashi comes in saying “Let’s do some research together.”) 

Well. Murasaki is definitely a likable character with a thought out story. But, there are several things missing that I’d love to see more info on.

For instance, not once did you mention the main character of the series, and his relationship to Murasaki. Where’s the love for Naruto? He is Jiraiya’s godson, so he is technically Murasaki’s god-brother.

Also, the most obvious question I have…. WHAT ABOUT JIRAIYA’S DEATH ? HOW DID IT AFFECT HER? HECK.

also ye I’d love to know her reaction to Kakashi “dying” during Pein’s invasion.

pls.

Overall, I love Murasaki. And I really want to read her story. SO GET TO IT.

Love, Dom.

[audacitytomom]

Izien's Birth Story

Every birth story since the beginning of time has been unique. Izzy’s has been no different. I've decided to share Izien's birth story today, knowing that there are plenty of moms out there that would relate to this story and may even find it helpful. Giving birth in a new country is no easy task. While it's amazing that Izien was born in Chicago, the birth as it is being quite a ride.

I had a healthy pregnancy. I gained about 12 pounds. I was regular with my runs and walks. Those who know me, know that I've always been plump. However, I managed to fall within the BMI during my pregnancy. I secretly believe Izien was conceived on my birthday last year, but I didn't know until March. And thus, begins the story of how Izien Marshal Joe came into existence.

While this post is about Izien and me, it is also about the information I wish I knew. I had just moved to be with Joe and so hadn't been in the country for long. My pregnancy was confirmed by a walk-in clinic. The doctor knowing that I'm new to the country handed me a recommendation for an OBGYN (Obstetrician & Gynecologist). Wanting to have more options, I turn to the Internet. I compile a list of names that I liked and called them. The first 2 asked when my due date was and upon hearing that I'm only 7 weeks asked me to call back when I was 12 because that was when they start giving out appointments. 

The important thing to remember here is that the doctor doesn't become ‘your’ doctor till after the first appointment. Their office must first run your insurance, your credit card etc. and the visit - all culminate to it. This is a good thing because this acts as a safety blanket. We don’t need to commit to a doctor till after the first appointment.

 The next 3 informed they had a waitlist and one of them had an opening in November. I was due in November (at least according to my calculations). At 10 weeks I still hadn't found a doctor. It was beginning to look as though I should have found an OBGYN and then got pregnant. 

As soon as you enter a new country, start looking up doctors. You don't have to be pregnant to visit an OBGYN. This is the simplest way we can avoid getting stuck in the system and being at its mercy. 

 I called the recommendation given to me and I was set up with an appointment immediately. Here's tip number 2 for moms like me who has no idea about the system.

Know all about your insurance. There are mainly 2 kinds here and some doctors except only one or the other or some both. Call your insurance and get a detailed overview of everything that you can benefit out of it. For example, BCBS (Blue Cross Blue Shield) has an option where it completely covers $30.00 over the counter medicines every 3 months*.  This is information that they don't just advertise around. So be sure to ask. Ask and you shall receive

 She was good enough. That's what I kept thinking. She wasn't the best. She barely spent any time explaining anything.

Speak up! I mean it. It doesn't matter if you’re conscious of your accent or if she thinks you’re dumb. It's your body and you deserve to know each and everything happening to it. All the test should be explained in detail. Thankfully, I always had the reports looked over by my uncle who is a doctor back in Bahrain. But I really should have spoken up.

 As I had predicted, my due date was on November second. I visited her for my 8-month appointment which was around Oct 15 and I was greeted by an older doctor who resembled a lot like her. She was my doctor's mom who co-owned the clinic with her. She informs me that as her daughter is getting married on the 4th of November, she will be taking over from here on. WHHHHAATTTTT?!!?!? I didn't react. I didn't let the anger, anxiety, disappointment show on my face. I just went through with the appointment.  On hindsight, I really should have but the fear of not finding a doctor on time and of this medical system made me do nothing.

Hospital - This is another super important factor. You may have a hospital in mind but your doctor most probably doesn't 'visit’ there. Which means you need to ask for a list of hospitals that your doctor uses beforehand and review them and see if you like them and if you don't you get to move onto another doctor. A good NICU among other things are definitely on the top of the list and if you’re like me and like to have a say on where you're giving birth then you're better off looking for doctors who actually go there.

I was presented with 3 hospitals to choose from and I chose the one that was the closest. Thankfully, it also had a great neonatal unit. My last visit with her (my doctor’s mom) was on Nov 8th and she wanted me to get admitted immediately. She said my fluids were low. I got admitted. But it was because of her that I was in a situation where I may have to have a C- section. I really wanted to change my doctor.

The nurse told me that I can always change my doctor and that I’d be automatically transferred to the in-house OBGYN. It is 100% true in all states because I opted for that and I can’t tell you how happy I am with the decision.

 They had not only hidden the marriage date until the last moment, but they also postponed my appointment to after my due date because according to her the I wasn't even close to giving birth on Oct 31. So, she made the executive decision to meet me well after my due date by which time I had to be immediately admitted. It wasn't fair to me, Izien or my body. Izien was born via c-section on November 10 at 11pm and it was such an out of body experience. I was so glad I chose to change my doctor and so glad that I knew I had that option. Nobody deserves to go through with something as beautiful as bringing a baby with people who lied to them and didn't have their best interest at heart.

 Midwife & Doulas - Either/or guys! I wish at least one was present during all my nerve wrecking decision of changing a doctor. Ask your insurance about it. Midwives are usually covered and sometimes doulas too. And sometimes even lactation consultants. When the baby is born via c-section and the baby must be placed in NICU, it delays the feeding and often the baby will have a hard time latching. Izien and I struggled with this too, Therefore, lactation consultants. Doulas are so important for women like us who are in a new country. Doulas are birth companions, a non-medical person who assists the mama before, after and during the childbirth whereas Midwives are trained health professionals that can take the delivery with or without a doctor present. I most definitely plan on having a midwife for my next pregnancy.

 He wasn’t making any effort on coming out and I was way over my due date so obviously C- section. It was scary but not as overwhelming as I imagined but I wish I had mentally prepared for both the scenarios (Natural and c-sec). I didn’t even consider C-section so everything after was a slow learning process for Izien and me. He came out 5.2 ounces while both trimestral ultrasound showed 6 and 7.5 ounces but somehow, in the end, my baby was so small. But he was healthy and kicking it and that’s all that mattered.

 We didn’t get to click a whole lot of pictures of Izzy till he turned 2 months but here are some we got at the NICU, on the next day! We aren’t supposed to, but we be sneaky. 

Love,

Mel

PS* - To all the mother who are experiencing struggles same as mine, my heart goes to you. Keep courage and speak up! Do reach out ladies, there is more help than you think. 

PPS* https://www.bcbsil.com/mmai/plan_details/drug_coverage.html 

Visit the link above  on more info on the BCBS Drug plan coverage mentioned above. You can buy baby diapers, formula etc using it as well!

[kaiba-fangirl]

Got another story...

It actually wasn’t DSoD that got me thinking about this - as I rightfully have put this event out of mind - except on occasion, like in recently rewatching some of the series. That, and of course just anything about the first reason why I fell in love with Seto to begin with - his dedication to his little brother. [After the first few episodes] I saw in him all the things I’d always felt as a big sister. Although, my brother's only 3 years younger, almost a foot taller than me anymore, and has never been annoying in the least to me, unlike how I feel about Mokuba himself. We’ve always been so close, lived through Pokemon together, shared a single cartridge of Blue Version, got into Yu-Gi-Oh! together, and he's the one I'll probably always have duelled the most, among a myriad of other games and everything. [I keep saying 11-13, but wow it was actually] 15 years ago, Seto just made me think of all the countless little things with my little brother, that I’m pretty sure I failed at, and always thought I could be better at, cuz it's simply always been important for me to be the best big sister for him. 15 years ago, he grabbed me in KBToys, excitedly pulling me and yelling that “that game” from “that new show” was real! We each bought a starter deck on the spot. He knew I had first liked “Yugi,” so he was worried I would pick the same one as him, but thought we should have different ones to face each other. He was happy Seto was already the no-brainer choice for me. As soon as we got home, we tried to figure out how the fuck it actually worked...  15 years ago, the huge CRT TV in our living room had ended up with a loose wire somewhere. It would randomly cut out the picture sometimes, then randomly come back. And, it decided to start cutting the picture out during the first airing of Face Off, April 2002. Like, Kaiba started walking backwards – then cut to black, while we still heard the audio going. We spent the rest of the episode screaming and running back and forth between the living room TV, and the TV in our grandma's rooms, which she kept chasing us out of. We all like to think we'd act like Seto does when it comes to protecting or saving his little brother. But those are fantastical hypotheticals. My brother was never actually in any real danger, and he's always been perfectly healthy. Why even bother ever letting thoughts of life without him actually play out? Well, something happened since way back then, and at the time, none of the aforementioned things came to mind. But, now, I keep thinking back to it... Mokuba is still as annoying as ever, but anytime Seto yells for him, my stomach actually drops now. Darker 1/2 under the cut; but honestly no more drastic than Duelist Kingdom, I suppose. Just skip down to the end if you can’t handle the literary panic attack...

A couple years ago, there was a car crash right in front of my house. It's a 3-lane each way highway. Happens all the time at this spot actually, and there have been many quite horrific ones. But this time it was a 2008 Silver Ford Focus. The car was upside down 2 lanes away from us, and while the passenger side was facing us, we could see that the entire driver's seat area was gone, crushed completely in, and that tire  and entire wheel well was missing. The EMTs were looking at it from afar, just standing around. The police set up cones, then were just hanging around waiting for the “accident investigation” team to arrive. Btw, all of that, means fatality, and... That's the same car my brother drives. As I got closer, my heart – I don't even know. Skipped? Thudded? Stopped? Pounded? Probably went tunnel vision where you only hear your own breathing? – much as I tried to refuse to believe that I could ever possibly be correct in identifying car makes and models. I had to be wrong. My dad was already out there, but just observing from the parking lot next door. That should mean that he wasn't, like, contacted by anyone, right? All he said was to verify that it was a Ford Focus. I nervously forced myself to calm down, treat it as just a strange coincidence that it happened to be just like a car we owned, and tried to coolly ask where he was. (Our property alone is 2 acres, and I happened to not have a clue if he was even home or not.) He was supposed to be on his way home from tutoring at his college library by now. That is the singular thing I did not want to hear. My insides dropped again. We couldn't read the license plate - but against hoping it was NY, it was indeed NJ. My mom had already tried calling his phone, multiple times. And? No answer. Just kept ringing til it went to voicemail. We called his girlfriend; he wasn't at her house. She knew as much as we did. My dad just stood there with his arms crossed, staring at the wreck, wouldn't look at me, didn't say anything. I swear my everything fell out, over and over. I’d convince myself he had to be fine. He had to just still be driving, and like a good driver, he wasn’t on his phone while driving... That resolve never lasted longer than a few seconds each time. I felt like jello. My body felt like my blood was running cold, but somehow rushing to my head. For the first time in my life, I actually felt like I was going to puke just from that much info alone. I don't know how my legs kept me up; they were numb. I immediately called him. No answer. I sent an urgent text for him to just call one of us ASAP. I went back and forth between not being able to take my eyes off the car, and unable to look at it. I ran back to the house for my glasses. A local news chopper allowed us to see the other side on TV:  A curtain was hung in place of the driver's door, and it was flapping up in the wind. There was a black puddle running out from under it, against the light grey asphalt. Not kidding, not exaggerating. They quickly switched from it and did not show that clip again. I got my glasses and headed back out in a daze, and I paced up and down the road as far as was helpful. I still couldn't make out the license plate. I didn't know what to do. There was nothing I could do. Whatever had happened, had already happened. I had zero concept that, at some point, we would have an answer. I was just trying to figure out what to DO at that moment, and I could not acknowledge “waiting” as being relevant. At the same time, I was too petrified to call a cop over and just ask. My head was spinning, stuck in limbo... Also unfortunately for the first time in my life, I actually entertained realistic scenarios of daily life in my house with our family, without him. Just me and my sister? Never another meal with him? Never, anything else? EVER again? Even as we grew older and had our own families, forever without him? Like, how could he just be-- gone? That couldn’t happen. Not out of nowhere like this. I didn't know his schedule, I didn't even know he'd left the house! Then, just suddenly, didn't exist? ...was his body really just a few yards from me? No.  There were 2 lanes of traffic between us and the lane the wrecked car was in. The law is that these cars passing a police set up like this, are supposed to slow down to at least 25mph, or slower, and I think give them a lane of cushion even. Nehh, this is Route 9 in NJ. Both lanes slowed down TO the speed limit. I kept pacing and calling and pacing and checking my phone. I'd be lying if I said I was not thinking about dashing to the median during a red light. I would have my answer, whichever it was, before anyone would notice or even think to stop me. And, if it was true, there would be no point in making it back past the speeding traffic safely... Or if someone simply told me that it was true, then it'd still just be a couple steps for me. No, actually, no character or story reference could ever have made it to my head in the moment; I was too much of a mess. Yes, I am saying fuck everything else in my life, fuck everyone else grieving both of us. I didn't care. I knew *I* could never deal. I don't care how that sounds.

He called back. I have no idea how much or little time actually passed, but my mom eventually walked up and said he had called. Somehow that was when my tears finally broke out, and my brain instantly felt like it was at last no longer being squeezed. Still could hardly catch my breath. He said he had left his phone charging in his car, and the tutoring session ran late, so he was only leaving just then. And he wanted to know why he had a zillion missed calls from so many different people. He thought the house had burned down or something. Nope, it was actually you. About 20 minutes later, his car pulled in the driveway. It was so surreal. It felt like I was watching him just casually come back from the dead. I watched him just normally get out and come walking in, like nothing had happened. Like the rest of us didn't just all go on the worst & fastest emotional rollercoaster ride. Like I hadn't been contemplating suicide for how long, up until just minutes beforehand. Needless to say, I jumped on him and hugged him so tight and kept telling him I love him and kept hugging him randomly and just kept looking at him for the rest of the day and trying not to cry, but crying a lot. And he kept telling me to stop being weird... ;u;