#i kinda want to make an edit of mp as a whole now and not just reigen

[kiyomie]

been thinking about watching mp100 since I saw cool gifs here (also the whole reignsomething and kuroo thing LOL) and ur gfx just makes the whole thing even more interesting so I sure hope you know I'll, in fact, come here again to talk abt it when I finally have time to watch it.

oh yeah that ugh sorry u had to see that stuff (i dont remember anything w kuroo tho?) awh thank you a lot :') that'd be really nice of you tbh, hope u do enjoy it when you have the time its kinda an anime i recommend to a lot of ppl👀

[felassan]

Mass Effect development insights and highlights from Bioware: Stories and Secrets from 25 Years of Game Development

This is the Mass Effect version of this post.

[In case you can’t read it the subtitle in the bottom left logo above is “Guardians of the Citadel”]

Note: Drug use is mentioned.

Cut for length.

Mass Effect 1

ME began its life in a vision document in fall 2003

Codenamed “SFX”

Conceived of by Casey Hudson and a core team from KotOR. Its genesis was the intention to create an epic sci-fi RPG in an original setting that BioWare owned (so they could have full creative control), and in a setting that was conceived of first and foremost as a video game

Initially players could control any squadmate, but they wanted it to be about Shep and for players to be focused on Shep being a battlefield commander, rather than on switching bodies

By the start of 2004 its story was shaping up. Initially humans landed on Mars in 2250 and discovered evidence of an ancient alien race and a powerful substance, Black Sand, which rapidly advanced tech to the point that FTL travel was possible. (My note: obviously now the Prothean artifacts on Mars & associated mass effect force tech enabled this in the final canon, but I wonder if aspects of the ‘Black Sand’ naming-type & powerful substance stuff was rolled into red sand from final canon) Humans were suddenly capable of travel to multiple star systems and made contact with a multitude of other species. At the start of the first game, these species together with humans had a fragile peace, with focus placed on the political center of the galaxy, a hub known as Star City, later renamed the Citadel

Multiplayer was a vision for the series as far back as 2003. The plan was for ME1, an Xbox exclusive at launch, to take advantage of the platform’s online components. Early designs saw players meeting in one of the central hubs to interact and trade items in their otherwise SP adventures

By 2006 it had the name ME and the story was more specific, with the theme of conflict between organic and synthetic lifeforms. The story’s scope now stretched across 3 games and included scope for full co-op MP

They tried to do MP in every game, discussing it from the get-go, but it always just fell by the wayside. “When you’re trying to build something that is a new IP, on a new platform, with a new engine, you’ve got to really focus on the core elements of the game.” 

The conversation system prototype was made in Jade Empire, and some of ME’s earliest writing was done in an old JE build. At first there was no conversation wheel. Paragon was “Friendly” and Renegade “Hostile”. In the prototype Shep was a silent unnamed Spectre. Many conversations in the prototype about the player’s choice in smuggling a weapon through Noveria made it into the game

In said prototype a merchant referred to themselves as “this one”, though the word hanar never appeared. The PC in it also had the option to end a conversation with “I should go”. In the prototype also, Harkin was voiced by Mark Meer

An early version of the Mako got used as the krogan truck in ME2

Early concepts of the Citadel were drawn in pencil by CH. A piece of concept art of its final design was painted based on a photo of a sculpture near Aswan, Egypt

As with any new IP naming it was a struggle. They put out a call to all staff for ideas, did polls, made a name generator that combined words that they liked in random ways and made pretend logos of ones they liked in Photoshop to see if they could make themselves love the name or find visual potential in it. (Some of these names are in the pic at the top of this post.) CH liked “Unearthed” as it was a reference to Prothean ruins dug up on Mars and humanity’s ascendance going away from Earth. They knew the game would have a central space station featuring prominently so some of the ideas were based on that - “The Citadel”, “The Optigon”, “The Oculon”. “Element” was another one they had in mind due to the rare substance in the game 

CH: “I was a big fan of John Harris’ book Mass, which had epic-scaled sci-fi ideas, so that was a word that came up often. Many of the names came from the idea that the IP featured a fifth fundamental physical force (in addition to the known four of gravitational, electromagnetic, strong nuclear and weak nuclear) so the word ‘effect’ came up pretty often.” Ultimately none of the ideas really felt right. One Monday morning they were going over the names and Greg Zeschuk said he had an idea on the weekend: “Mass Effect!” CH: “I said, ‘I don’t hate it’, which in the naming process is a high compliment. And it stuck!”

CH on Shep’s Prothean vision from the beacon: “It was hard to imagine how we would do this. CG was - and is - really expensive. Instead I wanted to try doing it through photography and video editing. So I went to a local grocery store and bought a few packages of the weirdest looking meat that I could find. Then I set up a little photoshoot in my basement, complete with some electronics parts and some red wine for juicyness.” He used these props to create a video sequence where the photos were rapidly cycled and blurred, along with production paintings, to create the scary vision an organic/machine experiment on the Protheans. These mashups were also used as inspiration for concept artists and level designers who were working on these themes

Tali used to be called Talsi

On the licensing side they often joke that they’re licensing N7 not “Mass Effect” due to N7′s popularity

There was a confidential internal guide to the IP in 2007 to help devs along and summarize/synthesize the vision etc. Some excerpts from it are shown in the book and this is the first time the public have ever seen them

Early versions of Asari had hair

Asari were designed as a nod to classic TV sci-fi (with human actors wearing obvious makeup and prosthetics to play aliens)

The turian design guideline was “we want them to be birds of prey”. They also wanted a range of alien types, some close to human like Asari, while others were to be a lot further away, like turians

BioWare patented the conversation wheel, which was a first for them. CH had been frustrated with reviews of Jade Empire that said that the actioncentric game was too wordy [with its list dialogue]. “I’m like, story is words. [...] What is it about our games that is making people feel like they’re wordy?” Then he thought “In a game you kind of need to feel like you’re continuing to play it. Maybe you should continue feeling like you’re playing it actively into the dialogue.” “[The wheel] kind of gave a new experience with dialogue when you did start to react based on emotion, and that’s ultimately what we’re trying to bring out in our games”

The original krogan concept was based on a bat “with a really wide squidgy face. We just used its face on top of this weird body and it kinda worked”

Geth musculature was based on fiber-optic cables, with flexible plates of armor attached

The vision for the IP was 80s sci-fi inspired space opera

The concept art of Saren lifting Shep by the throat inspired a similar scene in-game. The staging wasn’t planned til designers saw that art

A squadmate with Shepard on the way to meet Ash in an old storyboard was called Carter. Early name of Kaidan or Jenkins?

Bono from U2 was kinda instrumental in bringing us ME lol

Finding the right cover art for ME1 was notably tricky

Matt Rhodes got his start drawing helmets for ME1, including one which would become Shep’s “second face”. He estimates he drew between 250-270 different ones

Some of the sounds in-game were people smashing watermelons with sledgehammers and sticking fists into various goos

The audio team had fun trying to slip the iconic main theme into unexpected places throughout the MET. “We were very aware of how powerful that track was for the fans and it was tempting to overuse it for any moment we wanted to make really emotional”.

The theme was creatively repurposed in ME3: slowed down and reworked as the ambient sound for the SR-2. “If you listen to it for a really long time, just stand in the Normandy and listen, you’ll actually hear the notes change slowly. It doesn’t sound like music, it sounds like a background ambiance, but it’s there.” (My note: Well no wonder the Normandy feels so much like home?? 😭 sneaky..)

Bug report: “Mako Tornado”. There wasn’t enough friction between the tires and the ground, causing testers to lose control of the vehicle and send it spinning into the air like a tornado. “As it turns, the front end comes up, and then it starts spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning faster and faster and faster until it just flies up in the sky” (My note: Sounds like a regular day in the Mako to me)

Cerberus originally had a bigger role in this game. It was cut but they had a whole explorable outpost. “I called it Misery,” says Mac Walters, “It was this planet with a little outpost that said ‘Welcome to Misery’”. Everything on the outpost was shit - dirty worn stuff, no windows, no kitchen, the vehicle bay was open to the elements etc

The Reaper sound is literal garbage. Some audio designers went on a recording trip to a national park. One of them got fixated on a garbage can, “a metal bear-proof receptacle with a heavy lid that creaked horribly when opened”. “It was like, ominous, spooky, tonal and almost musical. I decided to throw a mic into the garbage and record it moving. I didn’t know what it was going to be until later”

They were making lots of noises to record like throwing logs and rocks around. An old couple peered at them through the window of their camper van in the woods and must have called the cops because then the cops showed up, pulled them over and told them to stop. The cops towed their car (the driver’s plates were Cali plates and expired), drove them to Edmonton outskirts and then the audio producer Shauna got a call and had to go pick them up “like three little boys”. “We got a stern talking to”. Once back they were playing around with the garbage sound, editing it etc. Casey heard it and proclaimed “That’s the sound of the Reapers”

Preston Watamaniuk: “There are things I could have done to Mass 1 to make it an infinitely better game with better UIs” and some simple cuts and changes. “But when you’re living with it, it’s very hard to see those things”

BioWare Labs

As social media and smartphone games exploded, BioWare dedicated a small team dedicated to exploring opportunities here - BioWare Labs

Mass Effect: Galaxy used a unique graphic art style and static visual presentation common in visual novels. It has the distinction of being the only iOS game BW have made during their first 25 years

Scrapped ideas were a 3rd person space shooter called Mass Effect: Corsair and 2 DA titles - a strategy game and a top-down dungeon crawler starring young Wynne. (My note: Maybe the corsairs stuff was rolled into Jacob’s backstory in 2, the Alliance Corsairs)

Corsair was a very short-lived project that never got its feet under it. It was a spin-off on Nintendo DS featuring a behind-the-ship perspective and branching dialogue. At one point it had MP. The idea behind it was basically “ME: Freelancer” - fly your ship around, do missions, get credits. It had a limited branching story but was a gameplay-centered experience intended to fill the gap between ME1 and 2. That gap ended up being filled by Galaxy

Galaxy and Corsair’s smaller screen allowed concept artists to use bold colors and a simplistic character design style to help those games stand out from Shep’s story

Nick Thornborrow did some art for Corsair but was worried his art style didn’t fit ME. He moved to DA where he feels his art style fits better

Lots of BioWare VAs and even a lead writer and the VO director are drawn from Edmonton’s local community theater scene, which is vibrant. Think this is how Mark Meer got involved

Mass Effect 2

Player choices carrying over was a first for BW

Dirty Dozen-inspired plot

Its plot is a web of conditionals (see Suicide Mission)

Was more of a shooter than anything BW had made since Shattered Steel

There was 2 camps on the team, those who wanted to push combat and systems forward and redefine the ME experience and those who wanted to make a true sequel, with the same gameplay and systems but a new story. Karin Weekes: “I think it ended up being a good push-pull. It felt like a pretty healthy creative conflict”

“ME2 was a game you could hold up to someone who argues that games aren’t a serious medium and go ‘Oh yeah, then why is Martin Sheen in this?’” Sheen was their first pick for TIM

The idea for TIM came from a mash-up of concepts CH had collected over the years. The name “Illusive” originally came from his pitch for naming DAO’s Eclipse engine, a word inspired by Obi-Wan’s line “It’s not about the mission, Master. It’s something... elsewhere. Elusive”. “I thought, what if we called our next engine 'Elusive', but used an ‘I’, and then it’s like ‘Illusion’. [...] I still really like the word with an ‘I’ and what it conjures”

When ME1 DLC was in production, CH had been watching a lot of CNN, specifically Anderson Cooper. “How is one guy travelling to all these places and never looking tired and always being able to speak with clarity?” CH says it seemed almost superhuman. “What if there was someone who is the absolute maximum of the things you would aspire to be, but also the worst of humanity?” Cooper, though not evil, became an inspiration for TIM down to the gray hair and piercing blue eyes

Inspiration for TIM’s behind-the-scenes role pulling political strings came from Jack Bauer’s brother Graem in 24. Graem “can call up the president and tell him what to do and hang up, because he’s so connected and so influential”. Sheen had played a president and his performance brought gravitas and wisdom to the role. He had quit smoking, but the character smokes. He didn’t want to fake it, but he also didn’t want to smoke, “so he actually asked for a cigarette” to hold so he could stop his words to take drags with natural cadence

Writing was still pushing to write and revise lines hours before VO started. A series of problems like injury and some writers leaving for other opportunities left it so that Karin, Lukas Kristjanson and editor Cookie Everman hand to land the story safely, with PW helping where they could. Lukas: “We took over the writing bug and task list, and I can’t stress enough how much [Karin and Cookie] did to get ME2 out the door. There’s no part of that thing we didn’t touch”. Karin: “That was the most dramatic 2 weeks of my life”

Initial fan reaction when they started promo-ing ME2 was very negative because people didn’t want to know about new chars like Jack and Mordin. “[fans were like] ‘Get them out of here. We want our characters from the first game’. But then when they played them, those became some of the most popular chars [of the series]”

Concept art of Thane has an idea annotation saying “Face can shapeshift?”

At one point when designing Thane concept artists sent multiple variations of him to the team asking them to vote on which was the most attractive

Most of the Normandy crew was written by lead level designer Dusty Everman. Lukas gave him advice in the evenings between bugs

BioWare Montreal made ME2 and 3 cinematics

CC for Shep was based on tools used by char designers to create in-game chars. Under the hood similar tools existed to create aliens

Aliens were much easier to animate than humans. When something is human it’s very difficult to make it look realistic and you can see all the mistakes and everything

Over the holiday period in 2007 CH worked out a diagram on a single piece of paper that would define the entire scope and structure of the game. The diagram is included in the book

Bug report: “I shot a krogan so hard that his textures fell off”. At one point shotgun blast damage was applied to each of the pellets fired, and shot enemies ended up with just the default checkerboard Unreal texture on them after their textures got blown off

Blasto was meant to be 1 step above an Easter egg but his fan popularity prompted them to bring him back in ME3

They rewrote chunks of Jack 2 days before she went to VO. She was the only one they could change because all the other NPCs were recorded. They redesigned her mission by juggling locked NPC lines and changing Shep’s reactions by rewriting text paraphrases to change the context of the already-recorded VO

Lukas snuck obscure nods ito ME2′s distress calls. In the general distress call for the Hugo Gernsback, there’s BW’s initial’s and Edmonton’s phone number backwards. In a fault in a beacon protocol there’s the initials and backward phone number from Tommy Tutone’s “Jenny”. In 2 other general distress calls there’s initials and numbers from Glenn Miller Orchestra’s “Pennsylvania 6-5000″ and initials and numbers from Geddy Lee and Rush’s “2112″ respectively 

Mass Effect 3

“The end of an era marks the beginning of another”

ME3 “marked the end of Shep’s story”

Saying bye to Shep was as difficult for devs as it was for players

JHale’s final VO session included Anderson’s death and romanced Garrus’ goodbye. “We were in the session and we both just started crying”, Caroline says. “I couldn’t come on the line to give her notes because I was crying, and she was crying. And so there was just this minute-long pause of like, nothing, nothing, nothing - just silence through the airwaves. And then I came on and just told her that I was crying and she said ‘I’m crying!’” They talked about these anecdotes also here on the N7 Day reunion panel

The Microsoft Kinect voice support required devs to teach Kinect hundreds of commands in a variety of accents across multiple languages. The result was useful but made for some awkward moments. Numerous players accidentally said “geth” or “quarian” while making a particular decision and accidentally killed Tali

MP chars were voiced by cops and military people

The helmet on one of the MP chars was originally designed for cancelled project Revolver

The payload device at the end needed to attach to the Citadel while essentially serving as a giant trigger. “It ended up becoming quite the engineering feet just to visualize how this thing would move and connect to the Citadel”

Concept artists explored creating an anti-team, where Kai Leng was almost an anti-Shepard essentially, with an elite squad to counteract your team. This idea never went beyond concept phase

ME3 Special Edition was released on Nintendo Wii U exclusively. This exclusive version of the game includes Genesis 2 (a sequel to the original Genesis comic) and unique gameplay features that took advantage of the touchscreen GamePad. For years Sonic Chronicles: Dark Brotherhood had had the honor of being BW’s only game made for a Nintendo console

FemShep regrettably didn’t feature in major ME marketing til ME3. Later releases like DAI, MEA and Anthem have taken increasing care not to gender their protagonists in cover art

To capture combat sounds they took a trip to CFB Wainwright, a military base southeast of Edmonton. They got a big tour of it and were allowed to record anything they could find. The tour ended with them getting to drive and shoot tanks (real shells). The force of doing that sent waves through Joel Green, he felt his whole chest compress when it went off; the perfect sound for the Black Widow! After the trip the soldiers let him keep the shell he fired and it’s been passed on like a torch to various devs since

Kakliosaurs began life as a joke in the writers’ room after John Dombrow placed a Grunt figure on a t-rex toy he had on his desk. Lore was brainstormed to justify the mash-up before someone asked, “Why don’t we put this in the game?” They loved it so much Karin had custom coffee mugs made

Bug report: For a while Tali’s final romance scene would fire when she was supposed to be dead

“Balancing combat: how designers in ME3 entered an ‘arms race’” - the solution to players feeling OP vs players feeling frustrated by really strong enemies is to find a good middle ground, but for designers Corey Gaspur and Brenon Holmes, it was war. Brenon designed enemies, Corey designed guns. Corey “was obsessed with bigger, heavier guns. We had this sort of informal competition where he’d make this crazy overturned gun that would just murder all the enemies, and then I tuned some stuff up to compensate”

Brenon had to invent new ways to “stop Corey” and this led to the Phantoms. Corey had in turn designed consumable rockets that could wipe out entire waves of enemies. He must’ve figured this would make short work of Brenon’s space ninjas, but Brenon had other plans: “I had just added the ability for her to cut rockets [when Corey was playing MP and he was watching]. She cut the rocket in half... Corey just turns and looks at me and is like: ‘Really dude? I just shot a rocket at this Phantom and she’s fine? Not even damaged? Zero damage?’” 

This friendly rivalry helped elevate ME3′s gameplay. Corey had a knack for making a gun feel so good to fire it had his fellow designers scrambling to keep up. It was his version of balancing. Before Corey sadly passed away he mentored Boldwin Li in all things weapon design and the arms race continued

Corey designed the Arc Pistol. It was causing problems for enemies because it was too powerful. It seemed hell bent on staying that way, Boldwin would tune down all its stats and it was still doing 3x the damage it should have been doing. “I was like ‘What the hell?’, and then I looked closer. It secretly fired 3 bullets for every pull of the trigger! Corey, you sneaky jerk”

The day it launched there were midnight launch parties across North America including one near the BW building. Numerous devs sat at long tables greeting fans and signing autographs as the fans picked up preorders. When midnight struck the line was long enough that it took several hours for some fans to get their game. One particular fan is remembered: “It was 3am. Some guy drove up from Calgary with his friends. He was like one of the last people in line. I think he was sort of tired-drunk. He threw himself across the tables, pulled up his shirt and shouted ‘Guys, sign my abs!’ And like I did, because he waited so long. It felt impolite not to. So I hope he enjoyed his copy of ME3″

For designing Protheans concept artists had free reign to design something that read as ancient

Before the concept art team had the story of the game to work toward, they explored wild ideas of their own including an image of the crew stealing back the Normandy to go after the Reapers

Jen Cheverie was testing scenes and was initially excited to be testing Mordin scenes, til she saw she was testing the Renegade version of his death. “This is even before like all of the audio and everything was in, so you didn’t even have the sad music. I remember sitting at my desk and my hands just went to my face when I saw that the gun Shep pulls on Mordin is the gun he gives Shep in ME2. I burst into tears and was crying for the rest of the day. People are waving to me as they walk by and I’m like, ‘It’s ok, I’m just killing my best friend’” 

There’s a segment called “Shepard’s story ends”. Casey on the ending: “There’s a whole bunch of things that come together to make it incredibly tense and emotional for players. I think the biggest one was the sense of finality, that whatever it was that happened in that very last moment... was it.” 

Wrapping up the story was a massive feat. In a way all of ME3 is an ending. Its final moments were the players’ last with a char they’d been with all the way from Eden Prime

“And while the critical reception of the game was extremely positive, many fans were unsatisfied with the ending, which became one of the most controversial in the history of games.” CH: “We were, on one hand, at the end of a marathon trying to finish the game and the series. But as devs we also knew that there would be more. We knew that we would continue to tell the story. In retrospect, we didn’t fully appreciate the tremendous sense of finality that it would have for people”. He envisioned an ending that posed new questions, something in the tradition of high sci-fi that left players dreaming about what that particular galaxy’s future could hold. “Frankly, there’s a lot more that we could have and should have done to honor the work players put in, to give them a stronger sense of reward and closure”

AAA games are massive undertakings with a million moving parts. Somehow they come together but even the best-planned projects don’t turn out quite like devs hope. From start to end video game production is a series of compromises. It’s rare if not impossible for devs to ship a game they’re entirely happy with. “I think that people imagine that when you finish a game, it’s exactly the way you wanted it to be. But whether people end up loving or hating the final result, we work hard to finish it the best we can, knowing that there’s a lot we would have wanted to do better. I think that’s true of any creative work”

As the dust settled after the initial reaction to the ending and later its epilogue, meant to show the wide-reaching ripple effects of Shep’s final choice, “players emerged mostly asking for one thing”. CH: “Now, most of what we hear, after both ME3 and MEA, is ‘Hey, just go make more Mass Effect’. And that to me is the most important thing. Knowing that players want to return to the ME universe is what inspires us to press on and imagine what comes next”

Mass Effect: Andromeda

By creating a new ME in a new galaxy the team was challenged to put their own visual stamp on the game while keeping it true to the franchise

Being the first ME game on a new gen of consoles meant for more detail

“Massive transport ships called arks populated with salarians, turians, humans, asari and quarians” made the risky jump to the Cluster

MEA was the first time BW had truly codeveloped across 3 studios: Edmonton, Montreal and Austin. The bulk of the work especially early on was done in Montreal, which was composed of a handful of Edmonton expats and heaps of experienced devs who joined from elsewhere specifically to bring a new ME experience to life. Series vets in Edmonton then came on to contribute writing, cinematics, design and QA, along with leadership from creative director Mac Walters and the core Production team. Austin writers and level designers also joined the fray

“It took a new team to take ME beyond the Milky Way”

Mac: “A lot of people in Montreal joined BW as fans of the franchise, so they just had this passion, and it felt like it was more like the days of Jade Empire, where a smaller younger team gets to do something for the first time. Even though it wasn’t necessarily a new IP for me, it felt fresh and new because of that. The team was just super excited to be working on it”

Early plans had the player exploring hundreds of worlds, procedurally generated, allowing for a nearly infinite variety of experiences. But as development wore on, it became clear that the game narrative required more specific, hand-touched level design on each world to keep the story focused and the experience engaging. “The plan was to give players numerous uncharted worlds to explore. Designers worked hard to come up with procedural elements that would make such planets special. Eventually the team made the difficult decision to abandon procedural planets in favor of more memorable hand-touched alien worlds, each with a specific story to tell”

One challenge was defining what ME meant without Shep. Care was given to include many of the MET’s key species. “Ryder recruited turian, asari, krogan and salarian followers”. Like Shep Ryder represents humanity’s hope for a peaceful coexistence among aliens who had long operated without human contact

Beginning with MEA the team decided that with few exceptions vehicles in ME have 6 wheels. Early Nomad concepts were bulkier. Later ones focused on its ability to move over its ability to protect itself from hostile fire, underlining the themes of exploration

German concept designer and auto-motive futurist Daniel Simon was contracted to create the Nomad and Tempest. The Tempest’s final design took inspo from the Concorde 

Concepts for angaran fighter ships have the following notes: “Two doors swing open, wings rotate down to function as landing struts, the landing struts split open. It has a spinning turbine engine 

Despite being set a galaxy away and some 600 years after Mordin’s death, there was a time when he had a cameo. It wasn’t cut due to running out of time however, it was cut due to drug references. John Dombrow explains: “One day I had to write a small quest for Kadara. I thought it’d be amusing if these 2 guys living way out on the fringes in a shack were growing plants for uh, medicinal purposes, and needed Ryder’s help with it. It occurred to me, wouldn’t it be amusing if Ryder had the option of actually trying ‘the medicine’ to see what would happen? And I thought, what if it turned into some hallucination that somehow involved SAM - like maybe SAM would sing? But why? How could I motivate that? Then it hit me. Who else in the ME game sings unexpectedly? MORDIN. As a nod to him I wrote SAM singing Modern Major-General. It got even better when our cine designer John Ebenger wanted to take it even further. Bless him, he came in on a Saturday to do a special hallucination showing Mordin himself. It was great. Til the fateful day we were told MEA had already been submitted to the ratings board. That’s when you declare things like drug references in your game. Mordin fell under that category which meant it was a no-go. We were too late”

Ryder’s white AI armor contrasts Shep’s iconic dark armor (intentional design)

Concept art for Ryder involved experiments with cloth (cloaks, ponchos, capes - “Pull here to release cloak”) and asymmetrical design elements

For alien design, there’s a few exceptions but humanoid figures are the ME standard and this persisted into MEA

Kett and angara concepts explored striking lines and textures 

– From Bioware: Stories and Secrets from 25 Years of Game Development

[thrcshold-blog]

i’ve been laughing at this gif for five minutes straight, hELPSFDKJGSDF

hey guys !! i’m kat, 21 yo struggling uni student from east coast canada who’s whipped for fromis, boa and brockhampton and currently ignoring finals prep in favour of typing my soon-to-be bland and long-winded intro ! sjfkgdf so i’m gonna get to the point as quickly as possible and present my messy sagi baby, zoe who’s kinda just. cracked tbh. you can check out her ( slightly unfinished ) stats HERE, and like this or im me if you’d like to plot !

EDIT: btw, my d*scord's EXO'S BITCH#2030 if anyone wants to hmu over there !

< park jiwon, cis female, she/her, twenty-one > welcome to the witching community of chicago, ZOE RYU ! you’re a HEDGE WITCH right ? some of the locals around here have described you as being RESTLESS and CANDID, but others have said you’re PERCEPTIVE and VERSATILE. i guess i’ll have to see for myself. now, being a hedge witch, i hear you excel at DREAM MANIPULATION. the chicago witching community prides itself on having skilled witches so make sure to keep practicing !  < kat, 21, nt >

so i still haven’t figured out the full backstory with her but i’ll edit this a little later when i have my wits about me sjglfgd

that aside, zoe grew up with her parents in a suburb of halifax, canada and it was a fairly simple life they had — papa ryu's a hedge witch and is just living a chill life as a cop.. just handling a lot of petty crimes and traffic violations bc i’m p sure halifax is about the same criminally as my own province dklgsg

and her mom’s a green witch who’s like, the closest thing to a hippie that you can get given she’s got a policeman for a husband sgkdfjsgfdkl anyways she did her own Thing by running her family’s little garden centre uptown before delving into a venture with a uh, microbrewery 

that whole set up sounds Dumb but. one of her parents has to be cracked like zoe in some ways and it clearly won’t be her dad so ! moving on !

sdfhjhgsh so zoe was a middle child with an older brother and twin smols of opposite sexes, and the only one of the four to end up becoming a hedge witch, or showing signs of becoming one i should say, like her dad ! she was always an imaginative and creative kid — something her mom especially let her expand upon — and a little wise beyond her years

she often had vivid dreams and, in her soon-to-be proven crackhead fashion, would tell them in a dramatic, outlandish way

the bitch was born to be a Loud theatre kid. anyways DKSFGJDSGFK

her dad saw this and other little things as a sign that she might just become a hedge witch like him and was Hyped, so like any proud parent he.......... kinda projected buT with good intentions

ig ?? idk but yeah, a hedge witch she would become sdglkgdk

she did delve into her powers and was interested in being a Good little witch, but she likely didn’t make it her top priority if the rest of this intro will be anything to go by 

her school life was p ordinary, she was extroverted and enthusiastic but so fucking Annoying all the same

performed decently but def excelled in language arts/english. not just saying that bc Me but —

joined the drama club in high school and was a little thespian until she graduated and headed off to uni at acadia for an arts degree !

but after a couple of years, and despite the friends she had there, she took a step back. def the type of person to wanna escape and explore, and her studying so close to home limited her ability to do that

so she moved to chicago like, a couple of months before tr*mp became president-elect bc she would’ve cancelled everything, demanded her deposit back, had she arrived after that SKLDFGSDGFL

her brother had been a little more focused on his abilities than she had been at the time, and had visited a couple of larger witching communities to idk, see what they were like ?? since theirs was quite small in comparison; and he told her about them only for her to decide to check one of them out for a bit

and she picked chicago bc....... tbh she only really picked chicago on a whim, and her weird love for that one episode of victorious with trina doing her one woman show might’ve played the smallest role in it all KDSGJKDSGF

so she’s been here for a couple of years now and had started her studies again a couple of months back at a uni near her little apartment ( haven’t checked out possible places to add to her stats just to have a uni Set, so i’ll do that later gdklsdg )

and that’s really it for her bg !

PERSONALITY, SPECIALTY BG AND OTHER SHIT

so she needs action or something of interest in her life to keep her Up, but the feeling can fade quickly

like i said, she left her province — and country — to experience more, both in her abilities and in general; and while the latter is a little defunct given her time here already, whatever else comes with it tends to keep her from wanting to run off to the next enthralling adventure as soon as she possibly can

she also can’t sit still for v long if we wanna keep this short and show less Grand ideas sgdklfg

given her partially goofy ass, it’s hard to fathom her as being a blunt, serious or even snide person, but she can be given the situation or..... perhaps it’s just how she is in the moment sdjgsfdg

zoe does, however, show her blunt side in a more quick-witted, casual way than serious so it’s unlikely that you’ll see her act up, and uncommon but definitely not rare to see her be mature and handle shit accordingly

idk if that made sense but we’re gonna keep going for now sdgkjgdf

she’s a solid, loyal person, but she’s also quite observant and wise — well, wise when she wants to be anyways

and she’s definitely NOT a mary sue, but she is, as i said in her app, versatile

she’s adaptive in certain settings and situations, she doesn’t limit herself in what she can and can’t do and is a semi-functional multitasker DGKHJDF

the second thing prob has something to do with her ( over ) confidence but anyways

uhhhhh last but not least, she’s a Crackhead.

SFJGDDFSG

she’s a living, breathing level 4 shitposter and my patience is definitely gonna wear thin with this brat, i sweaR

tho at the end of the day, she’s chill despite it. by some miracle at least

when it comes to dream manipulation, she’s always found it to be cool

and one thing that makes it rewarding and interesting is how it would help her little sister with nightmares when she started becoming proficient at the actual manipulation aspect of it

bc who wouldn’t use a power to help a distressed kid :(

eventually it’s escalated to her just chilling with her mom in her dreamland bc phone and skype calls are boring af and not enough for them to be dumb bitches together sdgfklsgfdj

and to just fuck around with her neighbours and what not. in a good way

........ for the most part, the witch can’t guarantee that the rude girl down the hall won’t see her long-time crush run off with zoe out of subtle revenge for knowingly closing the elevator door in her face when she had her arms full of grocerieS —

and while it is.. p invasive, it also fuels her creativity by using some elements as inspiration for her writing 

it’s an ethical dilemma that she wrestles with, rest assured folks

what else, what else.............

she’s good with her family if i didn’t imply it enough

she’s bi but..... girls disappoint her far less than guys so she has a Preference DJFGSKGDKF

likes to act like she isn’t a massive party girl but, she’s a massive party girl

how else will she release her pent-up energy ?? sgkjhgsdj

loves garlic fingers, but bc america’s behind on shit from what ik, she’s as disappointed as i am that she has no access to them

spits.

honestly, she’s just v atlantic canadian when it comes to food, her fondness for fog and the ocean and neither are Really a thing in this part of the states so she’s struggliNG still

uh, feels like the only one who’s following a more...... human life path, one not as connected to magic as other witches she’s met, and feels a tad embarrassed bc of it, but it’s what she feels most comfortable with

loves horror movies and halloween, is That bitch who laughs at the former and goes all out with the latter

thinks virginia woolf is a legend and is Right in doing so SGKDJFGD

idk what else to add so let’s end it here !

forgot to mention that i don’t have her plots page finished, so i’ll link it when i do !

[tearasshouse]

Mostly vidya ramblings pt 3C

Previous post here.

Right, software time. A cursory glance at my PSN Profile will show that I’ve met my personal quota of getting the platinum in at least 10 PlayStation titles over the year, with a few PC titles sprinkled in for good measure since hey, I have access to a Windows machine again (though it’s not exactly a games machine, unless your definition of a “gaming rig” is something with a 15W Core i3 and modest laptop Radeon graphics). While I didn’t start out meaning to rank these games, I find I have a tendency to do so anyway and while I’m certainly not saying these games are outright bad, they were absolutely lower on the rung, so I’ve dubbed this part “C” (again, no disrespect to the devs or any who rate these games higher than I do; these are just my personal assessments). These are OK games.

The Darkness 2 (Steam)

Enjoyable, somewhat! I put this down like, ages ago when I picked it up for a song on PC, feeling it was too basic and uh “console shootery” at the time. Often times, having restrictions placed upon something can net great results, and hamstrung as I am by my less-capable hardware, I’ve only been picking up Steam games that could run on lower end hardware, or anything released prior to say, 2015. Surprisingly this runs at something stupid like 200 FPS on my machine with V-Sync off and all settings on High at 1080p, so go figure. Anyway, it’s a short and enjoyable shooter. I don’t know anything about the comics upon which the game(s) are based, but Jackie is a likeable character, the Darkness powers are fun enough, the locations are varied, the supporting cast surprisingly interesting and the plot was actually pretty cool too, with a major sequel hook that we’ll probably never get. 

Ori & The Blind Forest (Steam)

It sorta hovers a bit below 60fps while running at 1080p, but it’s all just a bit reductive when one spends more time looking at the framerate counter than playing a game, no? The blessing and curse of PC gaming I suppose. Anyway, as a Metroidvania the game is a bit annoying. As a piece of interactive fiction, it’s too saccharine and feels like a B-tier Dreamworks production for children which, I suppose shouldn’t be a knock against the game but I have to say --  wasn’t my cup of tea. Reminds me a bit of Child of Light by Ubisoft -- gorgeous to look at, benign if not frustrating to play (those escape sequences can piss off), and young gamers would probably find more to like in the...emotional tidbits than most adults.

Crysis 2 (Steam)

So apparently this got delisted off Steam but now it’s back up or something with EA deciding to put their back catalog on the platform or something? Anyway, like this list implies, Crysis 2 is an okay game, nothing more and nothing less. The nanosuit energy depletes a bit too quick for my liking, and you’re really made to feel like a badass only some of the times, in quick and short bursts, not unlike BJ in the new Wolfenstein games by MachineGames (any more prolonged exposure to hitscan weapons and other bullshit will quickly send you to the loading screen). Thing is, I don’t want to feel like a badass only some of the time? I mean, you put a ripped supersoldier type doing the Badass Looking Back At the Viewer Pose on the cover and I expect to be able to do certain things without stopping for a breather every 20 seconds, ya know? If you’re going to give me the power fantasy, commit to it. Or, find ways to keep the flow up and reward mastery to make players earn said fantasy (something the new DOOMs  have done and why those have been so successful). I certainly don’t envy game devs for having to balance this shit, but id Software showed you one way of how you might do that while the Crysis games and those of their ilk just feel slow and unrewarding. 

Quantum Break (Steam)

Really surprised I was able to get this running on my PC but hey, it runs on the Xbox One so how hard could it be? I dearly love Remedy’s games, even if they’re a bit straightforward at times and you get the feeling they’d rather be in the business of non-interactive fiction than games making at times. Well here is a TV show hybrid! Made exclusively in partnership with Microsoft as part of their TV & STREAMING, TV & STREAMING, SPORTS & STREAMING strategy of the 2010s. I didn’t care for the plot, nor the endless email / audiobook / loredumps scattered around, nor the characters, any of it. I will say the final stage with the super high tech offices was a delight (boy wouldn’t I love to live the corpo life in such beautiful, clean office environs). Lance Reddick was a treat as always. Peter “Littlefinger” Baelish shows up to do a thing. Yeah, it’s a Remedy joint through and through. 2019′s Control was such a highlight for me that I’ll take any kind of prototype-y take on it (and QB certainly feels like a rougher, worse version of Control, at least mechanically).

Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs / Dear Esther: Landmark Edition (Steam)

These titles were certainly...things that I installed onto my PC and sat through... Yes. Look, I’m not one to dog on walking simulators, and I know the devs have faced tough times recently but I still feel these are acquired tastes and could be appreciably improved in too many ways to name. Of the two, Dear Esther is the one I’d rec because at least that one was quite pleasant to meander around in while Amnesia left me disappointed that I’d wasted my time, physically sick with its subpar performance and muddy graphics, flaccid with its stodgy plot and left absolutely disappointed that I’d wasted my time on such a bizarre and confusing payoff towards the end. Chinese Room, I mean this in the most constructive way possible: maybe try a different type of game next time.

Return to Castle Wolfenstein (GOG)

I remember putting in some decent time into the DEMO version of RtCW’s MP mode, being amazed at the time by the particle effects, with child-me just running around the D-Day map with the flamethrower out. Anyway, years later and I finally played the SP campaign. It’s maybe better than Allied Assault’s? It feels more consistently entertaining anyway. Hell I think I like these boomer shooters better than MachineGames’ recent efforts (which isn’t saying a whole lot because I find those games just merely okay). I promise you I’m not just being a crotchety old fart.

Ys: Memories of Celceta (PS Vita)

I’d been playing through this over the spring on my Vita TV, before it bit the dust eventually and I’ve been meaning to go back and wrap up the cheevos. I was a bit lukewarm with Oath in Felghana (my first Ys), but could definitely see the appeal in the series, as boss rush games aren’t really my cup of tea (ie. it’s the journey and not the destination of say, a Souls game that is the meat for me). Definitely a game that would benefit from a 60fps refresh and cleaner graphics than what the Vita can provide. I’ve already got a copy of Ys 8 in shrink wrap and have my eyes set on emulating Ys Seven or grabbing the GOG version. A game where action is king and story or character development is secondary; I would prefer more of the latter to make this more of a JRPG and less of a “predominantly Japanese action game with superficial RPG elements”.

Catherine: Full Body (PS4)

I paid $70 for this on day one and I’ve gotta say... should’ve waited for the price drop. I’m a somewhat lapsed Atlus mark, and I still hold the original Persona 5 as my no. 1 in the PS4′s lineup (with Dragon Quest XI possibly being a tie), yet I bought this knowing it wouldn’t really be for me. Why? High difficulty in a genre I don’t play, like at all, a relatively short clear time (in itself not an issue and frankly welcome these days HOWEVER...), and a somewhat unsatisfying payoff despite being a supernatural romance thriller. I bought this as seed money for Atlus’s P.Studio/Studio Zero, in the hopes that Project Re: Fantasy will knock my socks off just like the latter day Persona games have. Because in spite of the contents not really appealing to me, it’s still supremely well made, and it’s not everyday that games like these get made, so there you go. Look, if I could go back in time and put this money towards 13 Sentinels: Aegis Rim, I probably would, but then the Catherine steelbook is ever so pretty... 

Tearaway Unfolded (PS4)

The OG game is one of the most charming little 3D platformer/collect-a-thons out there, and as far as children’s games (or er, “games that also appeal to children”) go, more of these and less of those please (your Child of Lights and Oris). I’d go as far as to say the OG version is better than the PS4 version, though the PS4 version is also quite good. Really, if I wasn’t going for that stupid Misplaced Gopher trophy, this would probably be an easy shoe-in for the B-tier list, but I place this demotion firmly at Media.Molecule’s feet. That cheevo is cursed.

The Missing: JJ Macfield and the Island of Memories (PS4)

I’d almost forgotten about this! If that doesn’t qualify for making the C-tier list then I don’t know what else does. I only know of Swery65′s qualities through osmosis, having watched the 2BF’s legendary LP of Deadly Premonition and the gone-too-soon D4: Dark Dreams Don’t Die. He’s an interesting person with interesting ideas but crucially, as a game dev, his output is just... kinda mediocre? If not outright bad? Case in point with this game. It looks and runs like garbo; it plays like garbo; the character designs are cute; the dialogue is pretty good; there is a wonderful and gradual “twist” to the main character that was super spoiled for me when people were discussing and promoting it (like, that is my bad, but also internet discourse on any kind of entertainment media is just *fucked*); there’s a lot of semi-colons in this sentence so I’ll stop here. 

And the balls to charge like, what, $40+ for the game on PSN?? I’d gotten it for way less on a sale but in a day and age when $1 could buy you 3 months of Xbox Game Pass Ultimate and MS might also throw in a curio like this in there just to fill in the gaps, it makes you wonder if these kinds of games can ever turn a profit, especially when the end product is this jank. And these are commercial goods, make no mistake, any aspirations to being an art piece or social critique notwithstanding, so that also brings to the fore the whole aspect of pricing games, relative value, production and marketing costs, blah blah.

IF you like something different, can appreciate games made on a shoestring budget with arguably bad gameplay and technical deficiencies, but has...heart? Then look no further to the output of this man. The most C-worthy of all the titles listed here. 

[whentvsfly]

u should answer all 20 of the mob psycho ask meme things jsust DO it u peice of fuck....

Fuck you, I will.

1: What is a scene that really got to you?In the anime, probably either the flashback to when Mob went ???% when he was young (I love the Angst™), or when Mob nearly goes 100% murderous intent and then instead goes like, 1000% gratitude. In the manga, the entirety of the fuckin Mogami arc (the part with the cat like Holy Shit) nearly made me cry, and I barely cry at things anymore. So like. That.

2: Who’s your favorite character out of the cast?I….love so many……..They’re all so good. All the esper kids are Good, Reigen is a good man, the Body Improvement Club members….Tome and Mezato…..fuck, even Dimple. I can’t choose…

3: Who’s your favorite esper kid?Mob, Ritsu, Teru, and Shou are all my sons thank you very much. I can’t decide between them. Mob is a Good Boy™ who needs a fucking break holy shit. Ritsu is a little shitsu but he cares a lot about his bro and I cry and he’s good too. Teru is also a shitty boy and also he wants to do good and I cry for him (I’m his parent now cause idk wtf his actual parents are, ONE plz explain). And Shou is a good but destructive boy who deserves better. 

4: Who’s your favorite ship(s)?I….really like Ritsu and Shou, and was kinda indifferent to anything else, until @pundeserving​ (and fanfics) ((thanks u fuck)) showed me the beauty of Teruki and Mob. Also???? I kinda like Tome and Mezato?????? They could like find aliens and report it to the news and honestly they’d be a power couple.

5: What battle shook you most?Uhm. The one at the end of the World Domination arc. So many emotions…..

6: What friendship do you find the cutest?Literally any with Mob. He’s such a good boy.

7: What’s the most hilarious moment to you?gotTA PUMP SOME IRONsorry duDE TOUGH BREAKwoAH ITS HEAVY okletsgo(pff other than so many lines from the dub, uh, I’m not too sure. Right now I can only think of how funny the whole situation with that Shirt™ in the Divine Tree arc is, and like the school festival in which for like a panel Ritsu is forced to dress like a maid and Shou is there. NO WAIT. I KNOW. Justifiable Self Defense. We’re not too sure it’s justifiable, but he’s yelling it anyways. also: OOHHH. HE FUCKING APPEARED! There’s probably others. I can’t remember them rn. OH well, guess I better reread the manga…..).

8: Favorite and least favorite arc?hmmmmm….The angst pit inside of me wants to say my fave is the Mogami arc, because of how fucking sad it could be (or the way it can spawn fics about it like nobody’s business) but honestly I don’t really have any favorites or least favorites. They all have their pros and their cons, but they’re all really good. 

9: Which antagonist could you never forgive?Mogami. Hands down. 

10: Do you have any OC’s?Nope. But there is an oc I saw once on this hellsite which was a cat named Milk that Mob owns and I fully support that hah.

11: Did you watch the anime or read the manga first?Anime. Subbed. Then went for the manga, then to the dub hah.

12: Would you visit Spirits and Such Consultation Office (if you didn’t know any better)?Hm. I dunno. Probably would be too lazy to seek out help if I thought a spirit would be on me or smth, or haunting a place. Maybe if it was Real Bad.

13: Are there any specific MP 100 artists/writers you admire?Uhm. Idk, I tend to not actually look at who is the OP on an art post or who writes a fic. I’ll edit this if I find out some good ones (there’s one artist I’m thinking of on here and they do real good arts, they do comics based on fics (one was on this court thing where Mob was dead by Teruki’s hand b/c the choking thing, the other was on an au fic where Mob was kidnappeped and Reigen ended up rescuing him and they hadn’t met before that idk I have yet to read it myself) and there’s a fic on ao3 that I am always waiting for the next installment, even if it’s been 20 seconds since I read the last chapter. That story’s linked below, and you can see other authors I’ve linked too).

14: Are there any MP 100 fanfics you HAVE to rec?(this answer is So Long I am So Sorry I just have A Lot Of Love)Ohhhh boy. You’ve done it now. You’ve awakened the Beast™. Fanfics are my forte. I’ve gone through all of them on ao3. Don’t fuckin test me on this.Ok so first off, if you want all the stories I’ve gathered off of ao3 (My picking process: Ignoring all stories with incest or an adult x a kid (or ships I don’t particularly care for), is the fic well written with a good plot? then onto the list it goes. Or if its bad enough to be good. That too.) you can just ask me for the fics and I can either share the googledoc with you or send you the links in another way.Some of my favorites from the list, tho, are as follows (in order of which I read them):Color in a Monochrome Worldby Sifl is a really good introspective series on many different characters, set after the World Domination arc. Sifl also wrote a companion piece, Vertigo.Extracurricular Education is a series by entrenched about Shigeo and his growth as he works for Reigen. It’s real cute, they’re good bros, I love it. A few stories takes place after the Mogami arc and reference it.Turning Slowly by sorrow_key is a fic about how Shigeo knows what unrequited love feels like b/c of Tsubomi, so he can see through Teruki really easily. He feels like a liar pretending to not notice. (eventually becomes TeruMob), My notes say if you’re in the divine tree arc, then you’ll get any references made in the fic. Can’t remember what’s said, but it must reference something in that arc for me to have wrote that.One Step Forward, Two Steps Back by fireflysummers_ao3 is a fic in which Teru feels terrible after the Divine Tree arc (this was made before 97.uh. the chapter that came out this last Thursday, the 5th of Jan, so it may not be as accurate as it could be) and Shigeo just wants to be friends and help him out. After Divine Tree arc.Temporary Accommodations by Originia is an interesting fic where, through shenanigans, Shigeo’s body is kidnapped without his like, spirit thingy in it (using the strategy from the Mogami arc) and Reigen tries to rescue Shigeo (which Dimple is possessing in Mob’s absence). I fucking love Ritsu in this story holy shit.The Adventure of the Red Shoes by dyingplatypus. Ho. Ly. Fuck. If you only read one story, read this one. It’s funny, it’s quirky, it’s in character. It’s solving a paranormal case about haunted shoes, and Reigen being cursed. It feels like it could be an actual happening in the anime or something. Seriously. Read this one. It has a little reference to the World Domination arc cause Serizawa is in there but like. You could proooobably read it without reading the manga.He Just Likes Dogs by reiqenarataka nearly made me fucking cry in a dentists office. It’s about Reigen and dogs, what more could you want?Signed, Sealed, Delivered by entrenchedis a series centered around Teruki and his crush on Shigeo, even as Shigeo crushes on Tsubomi. He would rather never tell Mob and continue being friends, over risking their friendship by confessing.do make tomorrow a sunny day by dyingplatypus is a series based off an au I mention in the next question. The AU is one in which Shigeo is taken by Claw at a young age, and thus works for them currently. Ritsu grew up without a brother, only knowing he had a brother at some point who presumably died. Both Shou and Shigeo are a part of Claw and work for it, and things Shigeo took care of during the normal universe didnt happen. (LOL) is a growing and powerful cult, Teru still wants to fight people. There’s many different perspectives in the series and they all add up to a unique experience (I’m still real fuckin amused by what Teru thinks of Shigeo in the first chapter of his POV fic)tomorrow isn’t always another day by suitablyskippy is another good fic on par with The Adventure of the Red Shoes. It’s also quirky, funny, in character, and shows Shigeo and Reigen solving cases. Of a haunted copy machine. Which Mob is preeeetty sure they solved yesterday. And the day before. And the day before that….Three by Ravenesta is an outsider POV story from a teacher’s perspective, on Shigeo Kageyama and his mysterious third emergency contact, Reigen Arataka. It’s pretty cool, and shows some good shit. Return. Continue. by UncannyCookie. A series. Takes place after Mogami arc, Shigeo isn’t doing too well, hands feeling too itchy and wrong after he was driven to choking someone in that unreal world. It’s bad. He’s fine. Teru tries his best to help. The second story, though, Teru is acting weird and Shigeo wants to help him but he swears he’s fine. (also has some of my fave tags: “Teru is not a natural blond, that’s the real drama here”). This is the fic I find myself waiting for updates with bated breath. It’s so good and interesting. Love that shit.

15: Do you have a favorite AU?I don’t know of too many aus, but most are real good. I like the art I see of the ageswap thing, where Mob is the adult and Reigen is the kid, although I don’t tend to read the fics about it. Idk why. But there are other good aus too, like any where Mob ends up being raised by Reigen. There’s an interesting one on ao3 I saw where Mob was taken by claw at a young age and now kinda like…works for them? Idk. It’s good though. 

16: What would be your first or basic psychic skill (telekinesis, pyrokinesis, hydrokinesis, ect)?Honestly telekinesis. I’d fuckin own that shit, being too lazy to get up and grab things myself. I’d probably be like, hah, my pop is on the table literally inches from my hand. If only I could just float it over to myself! And then it does and I’d be like Holy Shit. Also, using telekinesis on yourself (if it’s strong enough) allows you to basically fly? I’d train til it’s that level and then I would be the least athletic person in existence. 

17: Do you like milk?I really like strawberry milk. I only have normal milk if I dip a cookie in it. Sometimes chocolate is ok too. And I only really have whole milk cause it tastes the best.

18: What headcanons do you have for (character)?I mean u didn’t provide a character uhm. There’s so many. Me and @pundeserving​ have been talking and whenever I come up with some headcanon I tell her and she may or may not add it to her headcanon list. Usually she does. It’s very good and if you wanna hear some shit about a certian character feel free to ask abt them specifically.

19: Would you hone your basic psychic skill or try to learn different ones?Both? If possible? I’d like to get my telekineses to a point where I can move myself with little to no effort, but having basic version of other powers would also be nice (like psychokinesis to light a candle or warm up some cold soup or smth)

20: Would you try to use your psychic powers for personal gain or only if you had to?I mean, if it’s (like i mentioned above) heating up soup, that’s kinda personal gain hah no but seriously if it’d unfairly advantage me above other people (in a sport or something) or harm someone else, I wouldn’t do it. I’d use it for little things like retrieving something that’s out of reach or smth, or if worse comes to worse, to protect my friends or family,  if there are no other viable options. 

[kingexplosionfucker]

Secrets

Why the fuck did I title it this? Idk I haven't read it yet. But it’s long af so it should be interesting or whatever.

Saturday, December 9, 2017

10:44 am

Secrets

Boy, this week has been a long week. I had so many important tests that really impacted my grades. I thought I would do better on my math test than I did. I only got a 78%, but it still brought my grade to a C, and the final is a group project. We’re going to build a Rube Goldberg machine, and I’m working with two really smart freshman boys, so it should be a piece of cake.

On Thursday night, I studied my ass off for my Anatomy test because I could actually get that grade to an A. I studied for six freaking hours and completely ignored my AP Euro. I only got an 84% on my Anatomy test, though, which brought my grade down to an 87.79%. Now I’m going to need to get a 98.84% on my final to get an A, so I’m really going to study my ass off for the final. I got a 64% on my AP Euro test, but that makes sense considering I didn’t study all that much for it. All I really did was watch a couple Crash Course videos on the Industrial Revolution.  I also had a pounding headache on Friday, so that probably didn’t help, either.

During Timber Time on Friday, I took a nap on MZ, who kept harassing me with Sharpies and drawing all over me because she wanted me off of her. I eventually bribed her with fruit snacks I bought in the lunchroom to get her to stop bothering me and to let me nap in peace.

My dad actually let me go to the Sassy Six hangout even though I was grounded. We went to Walmart to get matching onesies. We got these fuzzy flannel onesies. They were so soft and comfortable and warm! Then, E drove me and MP to Costa Vida for dinner. MZ, D and MM rode with MZ and D’s dad because their parents wouldn’t let them ride with E. 

Costa Vida was so good! It was my first time going there. It’s pretty similar to Chipotle actually, but it’s so much better. I got a grilled chicken burrito. MM told us she had a crush on this girl while we were there. And Emily told us she had a crush on some guy in her choir named S. I wish I had a crush on someone. I mean, I kinda do, but I don’t think it’s really a crush. I mean, I know I’m not gay, so it can’t be a crush. But I’m not going to get into that right now.

Anyway, we went back to E’s house after Costa Vida. We put on our onesies and went outside for a little bit. We also took cute pictures around the Christmas tree and on her stairs. We made weird faces at cars that drove by. They probably thought that we were high or something. We went back inside and talked about random stuff in E’s loft until D had to go. She had to wake up early to go help kids at her church, so she couldn’t stay over.

Then, it got to the part of the night where things got awkward. We talked about my lie about Saber. We FaceTimed D to make sure she was apart of the conversation because all six of us had to have it. They asked me why I lied about liking Saber since he wasn’t even a real person. I told them he was based off of someone who was at my fencing place in 7th grade, which was true. I told them it was kinda an accident that I lied about him in the first place. It kinda just slipped out, and I couldn’t take it back because then we would’ve had an awkward conversation and I didn’t want that, but the awkward conversation was happening anyway, so that wasn’t avoided. So I just kept adding more and more things to the lie and it just kept getting out of control and I couldn’t stop it, even though I wanted to. I lied about liking him because I felt like I had to like someone. Because all we ever did was talk about crushes and I felt like I had to have one, too. 

They knew about my lie since April, so I hadn’t fooled them long. I wish they would have told me earlier, but I guess right before Thanksgiving was the right time. MM was the only one who believed the lie for so long. She believed it until the rest of the Sassies told her. She’s just too trusting and that makes me feel bad. I shouldn’t have lied to her, to any of them, like that. 

Then, we talked about what I told them about my mom for a little bit. I told them to not talk about it unless I bring it up because I hate talking about personal stuff. I really do. I just hate seeing the look of pity in their eyes. It makes me feel sick. They even talked to me about seeing the school counselors. I know they’re worried about me, but I hate counselors. They don’t help anything. They don’t understand. They might work for my mom, but they don’t work for me.Then, the all gave me a group hug. I hated that. Usually, I’m all for cuddles and stuff, but not like that. Not when it’s out of pity. 

I pretended to fall asleep after that. I didn’t want to laugh with them and pretend everything was fine, because it wasn’t. I fell asleep eventually, though, but it was after they did.

When we woke up at 8, we went with E to walk her dog. We didn’t talk about much. MZ talked about wanting to adopt a cat, even though her mom is allergic, but we didn’t talk about much else. When we came back, E made us breakfast. We had eggs, bacon, and muffins. They were pretty good. E also made me some coffee. Then, we all went home.

So, more about my confused feelings. You ready for this? I think I might have crushes on MZ and E. But I’m not gay, so it doesn’t make any sense. I don’t even know if I have crushes on either of them. I just feel really safe and happy when they hug me and cuddle me. And I love seeing MZ so innocently happy about something, like how her whole face lights up. I kinda like how E always takes care of me and watches out for me. But is that just normal friend love or is it something more? I’m really confused. I kinda want to talk to MM about it, but I don’t think right now is a good time. Plus I don’t want her to have to keep a secret from the rest of the Sassies. It’s not fair to her. I wish I didn’t have to keep any more secrets from the Sassies. Because a lot of truth came out about me, and they think that’s all of it. But I don’t even know if I’m gay or bi or anything and I don’t really want to talk about it unless I know for sure, you know? And if I do like MZ or E I don’t want things to be awkward, you know? I don’t know. I just wish I wasn’t so damn confused.

2020 Edit: Yay I love when I lie to myself in my journals. (Why was I such an idiot?) I didn't even remember thinking I had a crush on E. I hate how I had to lie to myself in my journals. I knew I had a crush on MZ for awhile. I went to Branson, Missouri. I realized I like her shortly after. Before that I had a crush on MP. Idk why I kept getting stupid crushes on my friends. Maybe it’s because I have to get to know people to have feelings for them? Idk. But yeah, me full on lying to myself yet again.

[kevstreehouseisfull-blog]

Late to the Game: Ni no kuni Wrath of the White witch.

So a while back a buddy of mine was looking to shift ownership of his ni no kuni 2 revenant kingdom collector's edition. The thing came with a music box, art book and steel case for the game he gave me a fair price for the whole thing and I hadn’t seen him in a bit so I thought, “great two birds one stone.” I took a day off work hopped into my car and drove to his place which was 2 and a half hours from me. He let me check over the stuff told me to be careful handling the music box as it is fragile and then to sweeten the deal he tossed in a copy of Ni No kuni wrath of the white witch for free. It was a supremely nice gesture, (despite the fact he claimed he was really just trying to make space.) We enjoyed the rest of the day geeking out and shooting the shit before he had to go to dinner with his family and I started on the car journey home. I’m not going to lie I was excited to get home and start bingeing the crap out of both games. I got home let both games install whatever arbitrary updates they might need and settled in for a grand sprawling fantasy JRPG adventure.

Full transparency I feel I should note this is the second time I had played Ni No Kuni the first. Back when I was 18 or so I had bought the digital copy on sale and got fairly stuck into it. I got to the fairy island fought the boss there and headed to the next area and then I stopped playing. I had for some reason or another just neglected to play the game so much by the time I went back I had no idea what I was doing, where I was or who everyone was (aka the Game neglect effect). This isn’t a sleight against the game so much as it is my fault. I can’t remember how or why but for some reason I had gone ages without playing it, not cause I wasn’t enjoying it, but because life got in the way as it so often does. So when I got a second chance to play through this juggernaut of a JRPG I jumped right in. I mean seriously Ni No Kuni is probably one of the most highly revered JRPGs of the last decade, regularly making it into top ten lists of the best JRPGs of all time. I’ve even seen it top some of those lists from time to time. So my question is why do people ignore and elect not to mention some of this games massive shortcoming?

Okay so, disclaimer. I do not hate Ni No kuni and the wrath of the white witch. I actually enjoyed my time spent with the game however there are very real problems with this game that soured my overall experience and that prevent me from loving it. First let’s talk about the pacing and padding. The first and second acts of the game have tremendous flow both from a gameplay point of view as well as from a narrative one. You start the game get introduced to the characters, villain and struggle early on. The first town teaches you about combat the manner of which you solve quests by mending people’s hearts with pieces they’re missing from other folks with an abundance of that piece of heart. We get a dungeon, a boss, a few spells to enable progression, meet a new monster and recruit 2 new party members before we leave the first continent. Overall really great stuff. At each chapter of the story we’re given a clear goal e.g find the sage, learn from them, and cure the major npc afflicted by broken heart syndrome (It’s kinda like losing your soul in Yu-GI-OH.) Grinding is minimal or at least was for me especially if you’re doing the side quests which net niffty rewards not only by just completing them but by visiting the quest centers in the game and exchanging the brownie points for completing quest for handy quality of life changes to the game. For example every time you finish a side quest you receive merit stamps which go on a merit card, for each merit card you fill with stamps you get a single merit point which can be redeemed at quest hubs for stuff like faster walk speeds, more exp from enemies etc. It’s a stupid smart way of encouraging players to do side quests in order to make the game smoother and a little bit more manageable. However it what we might come to call the third act of the game this breaks down hard. The third act of the game in my mind occurs after Oliver and company obtain Oliver’s third wand the mornstar, Ni No Kuni’s equivalent of the master sword from Zelda. However the wand is incomplete. So we set out to find some pirates who have a map to where the stones to fix the stick are. You fight a dragon are forced to fix another dragon who you are then given ownership of fly to the island with the stones only to find they aren’t there. So we return to the pirates have a think about it try a bunch of spells on the map and find three more locations we need to go to and we’re off. So we go find the stones with 2 being in dungeons and one being on a ship.

Here’s where problems began. The first temple I visited was a shire to some evil snake dude who had turned a prince into an immortal frog man. We see his whole tragic backstory fight the snake demon and free the prince from his curse and reunite him with his lover. Overall it’s kind of a fun area in the game with a cool motif and a mechanic that turns your party into frogs that isn’t used as well as it could be but it’s still a bit of fun. The other two locations are nothing like this at all. The second stone is on a haunted ship which sounds as derivative as it is. If like me you stopped using the boat at this point because the game gave you a dragon to fly around on you’ll have encountered the same problem I did. You need to be on a boat in order to interact with the ship. The issue is if you fast traveled the boat returns to castaway cove which is a good bit away from the pirate ghost ship. So you have to go the long way round. If like me your boat is with the pirates that give out free dragons guess what that area is even further away. The ghost ship also moves at the same speed your ship does meaning you have to wait till it completes its forward movement cycle and turns to face you to catch it. even with the boat movement upgrade this is turn and the boat already feels like it’s swimming through syrup so It’s boring to be on the high sea. So we finally catch up to the boat and we get into a boss battle like a fully blown one. Except it’s not the real one. No after defeating the attacher the captain of the ghost ship a skeleton pirate fights you. it’s a little unfair seeing as how you have no way to replenish your health and mp before the fight unlike every other fight up until now, but fine yeah whatever. You beat the boss get the stone and are tortured with a cutscene of the disembodied voice of the captain bidding farewell to the crew of his ship. It’s suppose to make you feel for him and the crew but he mentions all the horrible stuff he did with them so it undoes any sympathy it was trying to gain as well as reminds you of the fact that; this dude was a prick before you fought him, his was a prick while you fought him and he’s a prick after you kill him.

okay so the third stone is in a temple in the snow lands which is good cause by now we haven’t seen any new environments or unique enemy types in awhile due to all this other stuff taking place in areas we’ve already been to. We fly to where the map points only to be guided to a village south of the dungeon to talk to a village elder or some such. Like seriously there’s nothing even you have to do other then that. Oh wait except talk to 2 completely pointless NPCs spend a night at the inn and then talk to the elder who gives your crew winter clothes. Like that’s the only reason. You then go through an ice cavern where it’s supper easy to use a lot on mp solving puzzles but the town does provide you with faire weapons which are super handy here. You find the boss beat them and hooray we can fight Shadar. Except on no we can’t cause the stones are too big for our wand. Apparently just making one item bigger or the other three smaller we have to return to one of the major cities in the game. Only to be told by the sage there he can’t do jack shit. So we’re given a new town to go to where we fight another boss fix all their problems and get ourselves a fully working wand. Now we’re ready to go. Except we’re not. We have to get a flute to lift the fog on the evil Wizards marsh. So we get some magic wood or some such from the second town which we can thankfully warp to, then go back to the first town only to have it stolen by a mouse. Turns out we have to fix the mouse’s shit before we can proceed so we find a dude fight a boss fix the mouse talk to a giant cat and then go to the third town for the 2nd time is like 2 hours. We get some drama about how the guy here can’t make the flute cause he doesn’t know how but the dude in our party is his brother and he knows how so it’s fine. We return to the entrance of the marsh and you’d think we’d be ready to go but you are wrong.

You see at this point my crew and I were level 40 or higher. Nothing had given us hassle or at least wasn’t one shoting us. That was until the dark wizards marsh. Turns out you need to be level 60 or higher to get any real damage done here. No problem I’ll just grind. Here’s the thing though the overworld monsters are notoriously stingy with exp even the higher level ones in the marsh give nothing. So unless I want to spend another 10 hours on a game that was already annoying me with all the backtracking I was doing then no thanks. A quick google search later revealed there was a rare monster which roamed the area outside the village beyond the marsh. These bitches gave out 2 sometimes even 3 levels for everyone one killed even at my late game level. The problem? The run away from you as soon as you get close and fade away before you can catch them. The solution? A spell which makes you invisible to monsters. Sorted? Nope. As I said this is a rare monster with a tiny spawn rate. Meaning I had to cast the spell run around to see if I could find one and if I couldn’t I had to reset the map by teleporting back to the village. This paired with some choice game grumps episodes and a few of my favourite podcasts was how I spent my next seven evenings. My free time became more like work. I knew I was in the last stretch of the game I just had to power through. Was I hit level 60 I’d bust the magical equivalent of a cap in that evil wizard’s ass.

I returned to the Marsh with a new found confidence the grinding I’d sone not only made me stronger but gave me chance to try some new monsters so I was riding high. I tore through the swamp reaching a boss. Whom I tore to pieces. Then a cutscene. More story. and we’re back to the village before the marsh! The boss I’d so savagely eviscerated had for story reasons returned me here to fight me again all so i could obtain a new spell I’d probably use like 5 more times throughout my playthrough. I returned to the marsh luckily there was a portal that sent me back to where I’d first encountered the bastard that sent me back a town. Before me stodd the Evil wizard’s palace. I scaled it along with my party felling demons and evil minions along the way however I was not prepared for more backtracking in the palace itself. I grit my teeth, I was close. I finally came face to face with the greatest evil in the studio ghibli generated world that had become my own hell. The battle that ensued was hard fought but was won nonetheless. And then Shadar pulled a Frieza and transformed. I was prepared for a second state, it was the third form that got on my nut. Not once but twice does this discount Voldemort pull the “This isn’t even my final form” shit on me. I kill him without thoughts of impending death due to my previous grinding. I’m treated to a serious of cutscenes of why Shadar wasn’t wizard Hitler for reasons that are weaker than the punches of an armless infant. I pretty much was skipping cutscenes now I just wanted to be done. After it’s over the castle crumbles the gang escapes and marches off with a severe lack of credits!

The game had not ended! No in actual fact the true villain had appeared. By which I mean plot I didn’t care about or want at this point happened forcing me to play another 4 hours of game. I now had to revisit each of the major cities in the game, AGAIN! This time with all the towns folks turned into zombies and with a boss where the monarch of the city should be. There’s was also more story revelations about the ghost girl who only I can see is but at this point Oliver’s main goal and drive is gone so I checked out and skipped all those cutscenes. we also get a new party member! Who is 20 levels below everyone! So yeah more headache then fun at this point. we go to a new palace fight some robots then another evil wizard, before coming face to face with the witch. Oh yeah the witch also has three form! If you're wiped out by any of them you have to start from the first one all over again. You don’t even level up between the fights so you have to carry on with all your low health and mp for all three fights, the last of which is between you a boss and all his minions. It’s annoying and aggravating and leads to my least favourite thing in the game, the combat issues.

So in Ni No Kuni you either control the human characters who are small and weak or the familiars who are small and strong? It’s kind of like the tales games but instead of being full 3d action RPG it goes for like a weird pseudo turn based action combat system. You move around the battlefield freely but all your actions outside moving have cool downs. Basic attacks refill almost instantly special attacks take a little longer to cool as does defense options. what’s bull shit is that magic despite have a plethora of spells shares one cool down bar. Meaning you could cast cure but you have to wait another ten seconds before casting literally any other spell. This is a major disadvantage to you due to be outnumbered in this fight by a mob of enemies the main focus of which is constantly casting debuffs and damage spells your way while the minions that it creates way to quickly physically block you from attacking the source. Not only that but there’s a handful of spells and attacks in the game  that have small cutscenes that literally interrupt the whole fight. So if you were say using an item to rez a fallen teammate guess what you wasted that turn and item cause that dick just cast sleep on everyone. This happened so often to me in the last boss fight I was actually screaming at my monitor. It took me 3 attempts to feel this beast going full out and I barely managed to bring it down. Hell I skipped the cutscene that followed just in case they tried to psych me out with another, another, another form but alas it had ended. Then the credits rolled. Then at no point was I given the option to save my progress before being prompted back to the menu screen. The White Witch lived.

My problem here is that the only proof I have that I finished Ni no kuni and the wrath of the white witch is my own word and maybe a psn trophy. This is one thing I hate in games. It ultimately raises the issue of why even finish the last boss, just watch the ending on YouTube, especially when beating the boss makes you feel this empty and hollow inside. That was how my journey with Ni No Kuni ended bitter and with nothing to show for it. I’d be hard pressed to recommend Ni No Kuni and even more conflicted to say it’s one of the best JRPGs of all time. It’s a fun coming of age story and if you love the work of studio Ghibli definitely check it out, just keep in mind there are definite flaws to this gem. Maybe just play this one and easy mode with a guide handy.

[ramosalaplaya]

what happened? what bayern chicks? and what are you doing?

there was apparently some row between bvb fans about bvb total videos and why some of them don’t share them here because it’s a paid service. most of the bvb fans here don’t have access to them and the three, four, five people who do are also the ones who kinda have the monopoly on bvb gifs, edits and so on because they can obviously access content the rest can’t. it’s fine until that point. the problem came when users and anons alike asked the ones who could access the videos to share them here, and there was this girl who explained that she didn’t feel comfortable sharing that type of content because she could get in trouble for copyright reasons (ok!!) and because a true bvb fan would pay to access them (not ok!!). that’s when shit went down and she got replies saying, more or less, that not giving your money to a club that’s already filthy rich doesn’t make you less of a fan. friends of the bvb total-paying girl (also bvb total-paying people) got involved and really had some unfortunate words to share, such as “if you can spend 30 dollars on food daily, you can pay for this”, which show how their realities are kinda not like the ones we all live in. they were told that it’s hypocritical to say they don’t want to share the videos because of copyright reasons because they have the guts to post gifs and edits of them anyway. after that, their comments (the bvb total-paying girls’) showed they don’t really understand much about copyright law. a third party got involved, another bvb total-paying person created a blog to share the videos the other girls refused to post so the rest of the fans could finally watch them and the elitist girls called them immature and said they were only doing it for notes, likes and popularity.

tl;dr: a group of bvb fans got understandably (my opinion) angry because another group expressed some truly bad elitist comments. they also could’ve chosen their words more carefully and in the end, it was all an issue of “i’m right and you’re wrong”.

as for the bayern chicks, there were three bayern blogs around 2014 who were really really popular and everybody knew them and everybody wanted to be like them. two of them were brazilian girls, the other one was serbian (if i recall correctly). the three of them were like The Plastics of the football fandom on tumblr, in the sense that they were super popular (as i already said) and because their behavior could be too much too soon if it wasn’t your cup of tea (which wasn’t for me). they took the football banter!!11!!!1!! to the extreme, their “sassiness” could be way too much (they even had a portuguese term for it, zoera i think??) and they used to cross the line between joking and being disrespectful frequently. as with The Plastics, they had followers as much as they had people who really disliked them, a lot of them bvb fans. naturally, drama between bayern and bvb blogs flourished when they were around. then, all of a sudden, the serbian girl left (in an equally dramatic manner), one of the brazilian girls slowly faded away from tumblr and the other one became a star wars and james mcavoy blog.

and what am i doing?? i got drunk on monday and spent the whole tuesday in airports and airplanes and now i’m staying with my dad in the US, that’s why i haven’t been around much ((: just realized last week that i’d be on this shithole in time for tr*mp���s inauguration haha.

[kingexplosionfucker]

Stressed and Confused

Yay! These ones have fun titles now because I used to actually title my journal entries. This one is really important. I go back and think about it a lot.

                               Tuesday, November 14, 2017

                                               3:25 am

                                   Stressed and Confused

So, I haven’t kept one of these things in a while. I guess I’ll just dive right in. As you can probably tell by the time stamp, I can’t sleep. I woke up at midnight to get a glass of water, and then I got distracted by fanfiction. I tried to go back to sleep. I really did. It just didn’t turn out all that well, apparently. I found this old thing at the bottom of my closet and I decided to start up a journal again so I can remember my old high school memories and stuff. Because only I get inspired to write a journal at 3 in the fucking morning.

Well, at least the first entry will be relatively interesting, considering one of my best friends, MM just came out to us as bi today. (I guess it’s yesterday now.) Anyway, she told me in, like, September so it wasn’t a surprise to me or anything. It was cool to see how positive everyone was about it. I mean, MP did make a joke about “tasting the rainbow”, but it was kinda hilarious. It was pretty funny, honestly. MM sent a text to the Sassy Six group chat Sunday night (which I didn’t see until Monday morning considering I was grounded all of last weekend because I didn’t log into the fucking Family Wizard app.) Anyway, basically the text said that she had something she had to tell us for a while now, but she kept on losing her nerve. I knew immediately what she was going to tell us, considering I already knew. (O already knew, too, considering we were all in GSA together. O’s pan, by the way. I just learned that yesterday, actually. I mean, I knew she wasn’t straight, but I didn’t know if she was gay or bi or anything.) 

Damn, I need to work on going off on these tangents. Anyway, MM said she wanted to tell us during Timber Time so that we’d all be there, Well, she had to tell E after everyone else because E was kinda late to Timber Time because she had to finish up typing a paper for English that she procrastinated on. Like I said before, everyone had a super good reaction and everything. (Super good? Seriously?) Which is good for me when I eventually come out. Which will be a while, considering I’m still confused as hell about my feelings. I mean, I know everyone will accept me and everything. That’s not what I’m worried about.

I just…I don’t know. I guess I just don’t want to say anything until I know for certain who I am. Is that bad? I mean, MM came out to me while she was still sorta figuring herself out, so I guess I could talk to her about it. I mean, she DID wait to tell the whole group until after she figured out she was bi, so I guess I could do that. But I don’t know. I mean, I don’t want to tell her I’ve been struggling with my sexual orientation so soon after she came out, you know? I mean, I don’t know if it would be rude or not. Would it? I mean, I guess not. I mean, it sounds kinda dumb now that I put it on paper. I mean, I guess I should give her time to, like, I don’t know, adjust and stuff before I spring my confusion onto her. Yeah. It feels so much better to write this stuff down and get it out of my head. I mean, there’s only one person I can actually talk to about this stuff, and that’s H. She’s gay and she goes to my church. I go to her for advice on this sorta thing, although I haven’t talked to her recently. I should probably talk to her.

On a completely unrelated note, I highly regret procrastinating on all my yearbook interviews because all pages FINALIZED are due tomorrow! Seriously, you have no fucking idea how fucking stressed I am about it. I haven’t even finished my interviews for the page, let alone the STORY! I just can’t handle all this stress, you know? 

Not to mention my grades. Oh boy, don’t even get me started on those. I have a D in Geometry. Honors fucking Geometry. I got a D on two math tests in a row, not to mention flunking the majority of my quizzes. I got a B on my first test, which is honestly probably the only thing keeping my grade from plummeting to an F. I retook my second math test, though, which I feel I did pretty well on, so hopefully that’ll raise my grade. Fingers crossed. My parents are looking into getting me a math tutor. Normally, I’d be mad at them, but I probably need it. MZ has been helping me a ton, but I probably need more help than she can give me. 

AP Euro is my second lowest grade at an 84. AP Euro is so fucking hard. All the tests I’ve been getting C’s on. My friends, too. And Anatomy and Spanish are both around the 87-88 range. Spanish, it’s because I’m not getting enough speaking points anymore, which I really need to work on. In Anatomy, it’s because I missed one assignment when I went on my yearbook trip to Topeka, and it dropped my grade 3% and I can’t seem to get it back up. That’s the main reason my dad wouldn’t let me go on the yearbook trip to Dallas on Wednesday. I was super fucking pissed at first, but I understand now.

By the way, finals are coming up!!! The whole weight of it hasn’t fully sunken in yet, but when it does, I’m going to freak the fuck out. I mean, I don’t even know if the final could bring my grade up to an A, and if it could, I’d have to get a perfect fucking score and we all know that is actually impossible. Math is just a lost cause at this point. I’d be pretty damn lucky if I could get a B. I’m starting to get pretty tired, so I guess I’m done for tonight. It’s 4:15 am, so I can get about an hour of sleep in before I have to wake up for school, so wish my tired ass luck for school today! I’m going to need it, believe me. That and a shit ton of coffee. Anyway, I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow.

                                                1:36 pm

                                                  Mean

Why am I so mean? I act so selfish, like I don’t care about anyone but myself. But I do care. I care so fucking much. I just can’t express it for some reason. I’m surprise my friends don’t all hate me for being so goddamn miserable, selfish, arrogant and mean all the fucking time. I think they’re starting to get annoyed with me at least. I. Need. To. Stop. How can I be nicer to the people I love? All I do is complain to them. I’m never positive at all. I tell them I hate them and to fight me all the time. I’m really fucking rude to them. I don’t want to be. Please help. Also, I’m home from school because my fucking period cramps suck ass. Yeah, I went home during 5th hour.

2020 Edit: Wow, okay. Past me is lying to herself again. I knew full good and well that I was bi as hell back then. Again, knew I liked girls since I was 16. I didn’t really call myself bi until I was in 8th grade (or maybe 9th grade? Honestly I don't really remember). The real reason I didn't want to come out then is because I had a crush on one of my friends and I didn’t want them to think I had a crush on her. (No, not MM. That’s later.)