#i keep thinking abt the counselor meeting at the beginning. it really set the tone

[grubloved]

my review of spida man is that i like hobie :)

[crptkng]

I feel like I need to post about this because I have nothing better to do and because I would genuinely like to share my experience with BPD (borderline personality disorder) 

Now this will get pretty ugly and show the worst parts of me but please don’t think I’m an inherently toxic person for my behaviors that I could not control and that I have better control of as now. 

One of the first things you’ll notice about BPD is a marked disturbance in interpersonal relationships I’ve always had a very hard time keeping friends. I would have a certain friend for about a year and then we’d drift apart for no reason. Nothing totally horrible has happened in most of my past relationships, we’ve just either drifted apart or lost contact. However, that’s not to say I haven’t had a few not so healthy relationships. With BPD comes this fun little side effect of you possibly developing an unhealthy attachment to a certain person or people. This has happened to me on multiple occasions, 3 to be exact. This coins the term FP or favorite person.

The earliest I can ever recall and that I recognize now as being such was a good friend of mine that I met back in 2010/2011. My relationship with them wasn’t directly stormy in the beginning. I would see them at least once a week and all, but whenever I heard them mention another friend of theirs or that they would be hanging out with someone that wasn’t me I would get very angry and passive aggressively take it out on them. At first it was just that but it did start to go downhill when we hit high school and we started seeing less of each other. I would still be passive aggressive about the people they hung out with and all but the cake was taken when they got a boyfriend. I didn’t like him for one reason or another, still not entirely sure why but I but I went as far as accusing him of possibly making my friend “do something they didn’t want to” and kept nagging them about it. They ultimately broke up and we slowly lost most communication. I was sent spiraling into hysteria about losing my “only friend”. My whole school day was compromised to the point I called them into the school counselors office to force them to talk to me. After this we talked it out and were friends again. 

Around this time they introduced me to this guy who was and, to this day, still is one of my absolute best friends. The three of us were all really good friends and even had a group chat on skype together. After a few months of being friends I started having feelings for him but he had feelings for the friend that introduced us. I took this pretty hard and started accusing them of going behind my back outside of group chats and talking about me and just in general having more fun without me.This is the part where it all blew up and I decided I would rather isolate myself from this guy so I deleted him from skype and my phone contacts. Stayed friends with the first FP for a while before that eventually fizzled out. About a year later the dude my ex FP introduced me to popped into my head and I readded him on Skype. Come to find the two of them dated over the summer but broke up and he’d already gotten a new boyfriend. Everything was fine and we almost immediately got back into our old routine of watching stupid videos and shows as well as listening to music, sometimes inviting his boyfriend to join us. the three of us were friends for about 2 years before his ex developed feelings for another friend of theirs. My friend unfortunately had to hear it from a third party and not directly from his ex himself. This sent me into a rage and I verbally attacked his ex a few times, going so far as to harass him for a year before we made amends this fall and we’re even friends now!!

After they broke up with my friend and I had verbally ripped his ex a new one, about 3 months later my friend/FP and I confessed our crushes for each other and started dating in the spring of 2017. Summer 2017 came and he and I got to meet up for the first time in our almost 5 years of knowing each other. Our romantic relationship was not at all healthy in the slightest. I would need constant assurances of his feelings for me and if there was the slightest change in tone i’d immediately shift into a sour mood. Along with this I had the repeat actions of getting passive aggressively angry when he’d mention anyone else but me or make plans with someone else. Summer comes and goes and we’re still together even though i’m out of line, we even make plans for me to fly fully paid for by his mother to come see him over the Christmas break. this is where things got worse. I was constantly clingy and wouldn’t leave him to do his own thing, and would get jealous and passive aggressive whenever he’d hop on voice chat to play games. I would have major anxiety whenever I wasn’t near him and so on. Eventually while I was there we broke up. Him needing to focus on schooling and not being able to keep me happy and under control. Although we broke up I stayed the duration of my trip and we remained good friends.In fact, I’m trying my best with my holiday job to earn enough to buy him a ticket up to Seattle to see him again <3

My unhealthy relationships don’t stop there but are more brief than the one beforehand 

After my FP and I broke up I started talking regularly to this guy I used to talk to on skype before the great migration to discord.  

He and I talked from around January to June 2018. We’d go back and forth teasing each other and had an amazing friendship overall. Around the February is when I developed a crush on the guy which was... Not too great. Not only was he my crush but he was another FP. I would fixate on him when I thought I made him upset and would have major anxiety about it until proven otherwise, as is usually the case with most people for me.

Cut to March which just happens to be my birth month and I plan a desert date with a couple of my friends, him included. We all go to the mall near by and have a good time. This would be the first, and last time I got to meet him in person as he lived over an hour away by bus. We part ways with a hasty hug because I had to catch my bus back home. After this we plan on meeting up again but it turns out that he’s being kicked out by his mother that recently remarried and has to move to California. He ends up moving but we still stay connected on Discord and are still friends. April is when we start flirting with each other and we eventually send nudes back and forth to which I get a less than pleased response about my body.

At first I brushed it off bc you know I was enchanted by him. But then he proceeds to ghost me twice after this, once because of the nude and twice bc I told him I liked him.

During this he also blocked me on Discord for a few days as a joke because I insulted a titty anime he liked but came back and told me excitedly he was moving back to Washington but because he didn’t feel like he could tell me he didn’t want to have sex like we talked about he ghosts me. I eventually have an encounter where I was sexually assaulted and he said nothing about it and ignored my distress, eventually blocking me for good because I started going off on him like I did with my friends ex.

The next FP has a short history as he’s my current FP.

This guy is still kinda my friend but we don’t hang out in person anymore and he hardly responds to my texts or calls. But!!

I noticed this one when I realized I was doing the same thing I do with all my FPs which is get jealous of the people he talks about. One person in particular, too.

I reconnected with him during the summer 2018, about a month after the incident with the last guy mentioned, we quickly started hanging out again and even had a couple make out sessions. I didn’t notice right away that I was reacting the way I was until one day I noticed myself using manipulative language because he declined my invitation to go get food. This happened a couple of times, most significant of which was when he texted me the morning after he went out and partied. I jokingly asked him “ without me?” “Yee”. I was able to restrain and reroute what I was saying to make it seem less manipulative. Going back to me being upset when he mentions someone else. He has a crush on this girl who’s a mutual friend of ours and one night he invited me over to hang but we ended up going to the mall she worked at so he could try and convince her to join us. She said no, and we left. But he proceeded to talk about her for a good half hour after. He also knew I had a crush on him at the time so that double set me off. Halloween rolls up. He and another best friend of mine come over for drinks and to just chill in general. He asks me who all is coming and asks abt her. I don’t invite her because she’s leaving for a trip the next morning. Previous to this I met up with her and her now boyfriend and she tells me they got back together. She hadn’t told my FP and was never going to in the first place. He mentioned her again and I consider telling him then and there but decided not to at the moment. After Halloween is when he starts ghosting me and I get angry bc he’s not giving me attention so that’s when I tell him. Not out of the kindness of my heart but out of spite for being ignored. He and I don’t talk as much but I assume we’re on ok terms!

These are my most relevant people attachment stories. But I’m far from over with this post which is already a LOT.

Another fun part of BPD that I experience is the lack of identity.

I can easily attach myself to fictional characters and identify with them so strongly that I feel like I become them. This has happened most significantly with Dean Winchester from Supernatural and Charlie Kelly from Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia.

With Dean it was probably the strongest. I started listening to the music he did and wearing leather and becoming aloof like he was. Just overall taking small traits and becoming like him.

Charlie was more of a comfort character who I also took small traits from and started dressing like him.

As well as taking on their traits I considered career paths similar to theirs. Bartender and janitor for Charlie and a cop for Dean.

It doesn’t stop at fictional characters either. I notice I take on bits of the people I’m with and mold myself into who they are. I laugh like them and want to do the same things that they do even if I’m bad at it. Another HUGE symptom of BPD and one of the most common criteria for it is uncontrollable bouts of anger  First and most recent example I have being when my last ex broke up with me. I spent two days in a rage threatening to do harm to him and, as he is an addict, told one of his friends that he could “Die in a ditch with a needle in his arm”. Every time I thought of him my body would go cold and I would shake with rage. Second example I can think of that I’ve had to do on many occasions is my plans and needs being shoved behind by my mother and me getting so enraged I had to go chop a dead tree in our back yard. Third and final example I have of some of my rages comes back to the person who ghosted me because I was fat.After he did that and found out he was lying to me about everything I sat for a good half hour staring at the group call he was in on a mutual discord server and planned on going in and yelling at him while everyone was there. I ended up not doing it but that was another example of me shaking with rage and my body going cold.  Mood swings are prevalent in people with BPD The most notable examples i have are, with the most severe being the time I took a book and smashed it on my desk, cried and then started laughing at the Mishapocolypse  all in the span of about 15 to 20 minutes and several times when I felt extremely inadequate to everyone or when I misinterpreted the tone of my FP and sent myself spiraling into a depression.  Some people with BPD may also have hallucinations I’ve had one that’s the most notable, being the time I hallucinated the smell of doritos when there were none near me at the time because I was outside away from home, Another when I was sitting in my therapists office. she noticed me looking away from her towards the floor at what I saw as a blue dot that looked like a very small light from a charging cord on a laptop battery pack. And last, but most recent is when I was outside on a walk and seeing several blue dots blinking in the bushes where no other lights would be.   Another marked trait of BPD is Impulsivity    I’ve dealt with impulsivity in a couple different area. Notably though are the several unsafe sexual encounters I've had with multiple partners, turning to drugs or alcohol to cope with stress or sadness and my spending money when I have very little. People with BPD can suffer from intrusive thoughts These are NOT fun or cute like tumblr likes to make them out to be. Here’s a list of mine that go from not so bad to holy shit go get help. 

Fp not talking to you this exact moment?: Pull your hair out 

Chugg the whole bottle of asprin

Punch that dog

Bite the cat

Feeling angry and wanna take it out on something?: Grab one of the hamsters and SQUISH!!!

I wanna peel the skin off a frog

Step on your grandpa’s ventilator tube

Take that baby by the legs and swing it’s head into the wall

These are just some of the symptoms I suffer from and my personal experiences with BPD and as I say in the tags, people experience these symptoms differently. If you can relate to these symptoms and are not diagnosed, I suggest taking it to a professional who can help you further research and help you recover.