#i keep repeating the sing just to hear this verse

[deadrosessociety]

चंदा को ताकूँ रातों में

है ज़िन्दगी तेरे हाथों में

पलकों पे झिलमिल तारें हैं

आना भरी बरसातों में

सपनों का जहां

होगा खिला खिला

बरसेगा सावन

बरसेगा सावन झूम झूमके

‌दो दिल ऐसे मिलेंगे |

[swordymacaroni]

A/N-In my defense, its 2:07 am.

Pairings- Toji x Reader

Summary- How does Toji react to reader pretending to be upset over something he said?

.🎀"Be quiet, would you?" Toji barks from across the room.

You trail off, face falling. "M'sorry," you mutter, face pressed against the pillow. Your singing wasn't that bad, right?

An awkward silence descends in your room, and instantly, Toji regrets telling you to stop.

"You've been singing that one verse on repeat since last week," he attempts to soften his words from before with a lousy explanation. "It gets annoying as fuck after a while."

That does nothing to help the situation, as you just make a noncommittal sound and curl your body around a pillow.

"Doll..." he sighs, before you hear footsteps heading towards you, and the mattress dips down on the other side. Toji snicks an arm around your waist and tries to pull you closer, only for you to scoot further away.

"I didn't mean in like that," he jests. You hum. "Sure you didn't." You're not really bothered by his outbursts anymore; its just his second nature and he means nothing by them.

But just to mess with him, you add a fake sniff. You can hear the sudden urgency in his voice when he speaks again.

"Doll. Turn around?" You swear his voice tremors slightly. Biting back a grin, you press yourself into the bed. "Baby-" he grabs you by the arm, trying to turn you over, to see if you're actually crying or not.

You chuck a pillow at his face and wail, "You don't love me ANYMOREEE! Why? Am I not pretty enough?" You let out the fakest sob known to mankind, but he falls for it, increasingly getting more frustrated as you move away from his reach. "No, fuck- I love you-didn't mean anything by it. Fucking sing my ears off, I'll not say a damn word-"

You can't keep up the façade and burst out laughing. He freezes, staring over at you, at your shaking shoulders and red face, before he rolls over you, forcing you to look into his eyes. When you finally stop laughing, he gives you a soft slap on your bottom, eyes narrowed. "Not funny, doll. Had me scared." He collapses onto you, pressing his face against your neck in annoyance.

"Serves you right for being a meanie," you mutter as you card your fingers through his hair.

You both fall into a peaceful trance, savoring each others scent and warmth when Toji speaks again. "I have a gun in the bedside drawer."

You open your mouth to respond but he cuts you off.

"If I ever say I don't love you, feel free to shoot me with it."

You kiss the top of his head.

"Noted"

[secretmellowblog]

I saw Les Mis live for the first time the other weekend, and the surprising standout performance for me was Kyle Adams as Grantaire. He is a performer who has obviously read the Brick, and uses all of his stagetime to convey as many aspects of Brick Grantaire as possible; he also reads Grantaire’s love for Enjolras as explicitly gay and romantic (there’s a moment I’ll talk about later where he blows him a kiss.) I was actually surprised by how much he managed to convey in so little time!

Some highlights:

When Enjolras is asking for a “report on the strength of the foe,” Grantaire enthusiastically raises his hand, posturing and gesturing wildly at himself to volunteer. Enjolras casts him a disdainful look like “anyone elSE?” And that’s when Javert jumps in with his “I can find out the truth.” It’s like a small silent version of the Barrier du Maine scene; Grantaire was really giving that “je suis farouche.”

In general, there was this repeated Thing where Grantaire obnoxiously acts out in order to get Enjolras’s attention, and then flails around uselessly whenever he actually has it. Very in character.

Grantaire often goes on uproariously and jokingly about love; then, whenever he’s approached by Enjolras, he doesn’t seem to understand what to do about it.

Whenever Enjolras is singing dramatically about revolution— during Red and Black, Do You Hear the People Sing, and One Day More�� Grantaire gazes at up at him with a amazed, awed, and overwhelmed look on his face, sometimes with his hand on his heart.

During Red and Black, there’s a moment where Grantaire “jokingly” caresses Enjolras’s face. Then during Do You Hear the People Sing, Enjolras passes Grantaire by and casually caresses his face; Grantaire acts a bit stunned, as if surprised Enjolras would deign to touch him. Finally, there’s a dramatic “reassuring face-caress” during the gay verse of Drink with Me.

There’s a repeated thing where Grantaire keeps offering Enjolras a bottle of wine, half-jokingly, only for Enjolras to reject it. In the last verse of Drink with Me, after Grantaire finishes his verse and walks away, Enjolras finally accepts a bottle of wine (though another character gives it to him.)

Iirc Grantaire doesn’t join in the fighting initially; he just stares at Enjolras in awe, and then mainly stands by Javert to “guard” him. I mainly mention this because I think Javert and Grantaire are a very funny duo, just as a concept. I think “being forced to listen to Grantaire monologues” is an excellent punishment for Javert.

During Marius’s verse of Drink with Me, Enjolras climbs to the top of the barricade, standing in the light. Grantaire is at the bottom in the shadows, attempting to sleep. As Marius sings about his love for Cosette, Grantaire raises his bottle to Enjolras, and then blows him a kiss. It’s very “let me sleep here until I die here.”

Finally, Grantaire has his "book death." After he spends the entire musical on the fringes being skeptical, he joins Enjolras in the final battle. He climbs up the barricade and says (I was close enough to hear) "Long live the Republic! I am one of them."

I'm genuinely impressed by how much of the Brick characterization he managed to convey with so little time-- some ad-libbing and lots of silent acting moments! It really gave me a greater appreciation of what a strong performer in a musical can do, and how they infuse even 'smaller' parts with lots of nuance and personality.

[bisnes-socks]

we've talked a lot about the lyrical content of the album but i wanted to say something about the musical side of it too. starting with autiomaa, because it struck me as musically so different.

first thing that kinda surprised me and poked me in the heart a little bit was the singing melody in the part that goes "hiekkaa silmissä, mut en mä näkis mitään muutenkaan", because that's not an easy melody to sing, considering he isn't a super strong clean singing vocalist. (i could write a whole essay about how he is vocally more able and more versatile than what people give him credit for, but strong melodic singing is not his top priority and that's perfectly fitting for what he does.)

so the melody challenges him and it goes somewhere you don't quite expect. as it keeps climbing higher and higher in that minor key, it sounds.. desperate. really sad. combined with the lyric about not being able to see, it's kinda haunting to me, and hearing that part the first time it kinda.. caught my breath in my throat because it sounds almost like pleading.

the first verse uses a lot of autotune and his delivery of the lyrics is in a lower and more monotone voice. i get this feeling of like... there isn't much emotion behind the voice at first. he sounds resigned, numb. and it's like the autotune is there to highlight that. the feeling of life being almost like automated. the autotune makes the voice sound a bit emotionless and machine-like, but also as if the autotune is trying to mask the monotone quality of it all, the monotone quality of life.

because the autotune is not there as much anymore in the second verse. and he sings higher in the second verse, with more effort and with much more emotion. oh he sounds a bit desperate again and it pokes me in the heart a little bit. he sounds like he is willing himself to be okay.

the synth sound that repeats the striking chorus melody, it reminds me of the synth sound in CCC, but like it's a distorted and broken version of that. a distorted version of the sound that, when heard basically anywhere in 2023, had people running towards it. a distorted version of the sound that no doubt represents a lot of mixed emotions. and when the song is kinda stripped down the way it is, what is standing at the end of the day is a beat, him and a distorted synth.

the beat and the chord progressions in the backing track remind me of things like scifi movie soundtracks, tron or something. there's a loneliness to that sound, because it's so easily associated with dystopias. it's like the soundscape of a digital desert. very fitting to this song, i think. i think it's a very well produced sound and a well produced track. there's also a moment, right before "kunhan kuuntelet" when the beat disappears. it kinda made me feel like i was falling, but it also really higlights what he's saying. how he is asking for you, us, anyone, to just listen, so the sound and the beat make room for that.

and one more detail. the one single yeehaw after the first verse, after "miks sydän ei oo happy, vaik se on lucky niinku luke". it's not there after the second verse anymore. and like. that one single yeehaw is so unbelievably sad to me. because it's like a demonstration of that whole thing where he's trying to be entertaining and trying to be funny, even when he feels nothing, just empty. like.. it's funny but it's not funny, not at all. it's almost painful that it's there. chills.

and one last thing i want to say about the lyrics. not so much about the content but i just want to say how much i like the way he uses language. he very clearly has a very good ear for what sounds good, what kind of syllables flow together, and he is very good at writing lyrics that are both interesting in their content but also just.. pleasing to listen to, as just sounds of the human voice. many such moments in this song, like "en mä näkis mitään muutenkaan" and "tunturin laki josta puuttuu puut" and the way he uses the words laki and lucky in close proximity. he's a good lyricist.

and this is a really good song.

[scarletwinterxx]

wait for your love - haechan scenario

hellloooo so this one is a request. I've mentioned it before, i'm still not the best at writing angst but I try😅 when i saw this request, a few scenes immediately popped in my head. Hope you like it🥺 also I was listening to We Can't Be Friends by Ariana on repeat while writing this.

Also a short anecdote, when I saw nct dream last year during Sorry, Heart stage I literally bawled my eyes out. Like full on ugly sobbing in my seat haha I was okay during the first verse but when it got to Haechan's turn to sing the chorus the tears just went falling like waterfalls

ANYWAYSSSSSS

For my other works you can check them out here, and for my other story series’ you can check them out here.

and if you want, u can buy me coffee(totally optional but any donation is very much appreciated!) thank you🥺💛

All works are copyrighted ©scarletwinterxx 2024 . Do not repost, re-write without the permission of author.

(gif not mine, credits to rightful owner)

"What are we then?"

Those words shouldn't scare Haechan as much as it does. He hates it too. He hates how he can't say it to you but he doesn't want to let you go either.

He hates this grey area the two of you are in now.

"We're us. Isn't that enought?" he asks back

"For fuck's sake, we've been seeing each other for what? like 2 years now? And until now you still can't commit? I can't call you my boyfriend, you don't like it when people ask if we're dating"

"Because it's none of their fucking business"

"Well it's my business, I'm asking you right now, what the hell am I to you?" you stare at him, waiting for an answer. Any answer.

At this point hearing him say you don't mean anything to him would make more sense than the usual silence he'd give you.

"Baby, please I don't want to argue" he mumbles

"See, this is what you do all the time. I'm not a play toy. I'm not some past time you can call whenever you're bored, Haechan. We're adults now. I've invested my time, my feelings, a fraction of my life to you. For this. And you can't even answer me, is that too much to ask? Am I too much?"

You look at him, waiting for him to argue back. You didn't know it was this draining to be in a relationship or situationship or whatever it is you have with him. At some point you got tired of asking him what this all means. When it's clear he's not going to answer you, you stood up from your seat

"I can't do this" you whispered

"What?"

"I can't. I can't do what you're asking, Haechan" you speak clearer this time

He waits a few moments, letting the words sink in.

"What do you mean? I thought you said... you said we can"

With every word he tries not to show he's breaking right and the only thing keeping him together is you, and here you are about to slip through his fingers.

"We can't keep all promises, right? Like how you promised you'll try. This isn't trying."

"Baby-" "Don't" you cut him off. You know it will be a lot harder to walk away if you hear him call you that, it's already hard on you now.

"This is me letting you go" were your last words to him before walking away. You wipe the few tears that escaped, plastering a very fake smile before taking the first step away.

One of many you'd try to take just to get away from this heartbreak.

You would want to say that's not how it ended, that he changed his mind and finally mustered the courage to call you and say what he's really thinking. You want to say that he came the next day and surprised you, knocking on your door holding sunflowers for you.

But no.

After that day you never heard from him again. When you got the (unspoken) message that he'll never try to reach out and fix things between the two of you, you blocked him on everything. Your friends didn't ask questions, you went on with your life. Trying your best to bury and let that part of your story go.

From spending every day and most nights together to being strangers. You acted like he never existed to cover up the hurt you're feeling.

It's been over a year since that. You haven't really cried about it. Not even the day after he left. It's like you're just a shell now. You locked everything in a pandora box in your head, to be forgotten for the rest of time.

"Hey did you hear Dreamers new song?" your roommate asks the moment she steps through the door. You were sitting on the dinning chair, stacks of works and your laptop infront of you

She hears the song playing in the background, "Of course you have, it's good right?" she smiles

"Mhm, I like it"

"Sorry, Heart. Definitely an anthem for the broken hearted" she says withouth meaning out, "I meant like you know it's a sad song" she adds

You chuckle, she probably thinks this song is very fitting for you and you kinda agree with her.

"Anyways, I'm going to the lounge later. Want to come with?"

"Sounds good, I actually need to go out, stretch my legs and get some fresh air"

"Okay, let's leave after lunch"

You met with other friends at the lounge, chatting and sharing notes together. It was a good way to pass time. These days you find that it's best to keep yourself occupied so as not to think about things you'd rather not think about. You kept yourself busy. Finding random hobbies, fixation. For a while you liked running after class, then you got into baking, then crocheting. Activities that keeps you busy, distracted long enough not to remember.

One day you were at a record store, your newest hobby. Browsing for a new record to take home. Today out of the days you forgot to bring your headphones so you hum along the music playing in the store.

While reading the back of the record you were holding, you hear it.

A familiar voice you haven't heard in a long time, a voice you didn't think you'd hear again.

Your head shoots up, looking at the other side of the aisle.

You'd know his voice anywhere. You can be inside the loudest room and you'd still be able to single out his voice.

There he stands right across you, signing out your favorite bands newest song while he has his headphones on. Probably not realizing he's singing a bit too loud.

When Haechan felt someone staring at him, he looks up not expecting you to be looking back at him. He blinks a few times, comtemplating if this was all a dream or he's going crazy and started to hallucinate.

Immediately you put back the record you were holding and ran out the store. Once again leaving Haechan behind.

You're already far by the time he takes the steps to follow you, thinking this time he's not going to make the same mistake but you were already gone.

He knows you blocked him. Of course he tried to call you but his efforts were shut down when he couldn't reach you or his messages won't deliver.

Similar to you, he tried to find distractions. To drown out the thoughts, he drinks, goes out to parties, too many nights he drunk texted you, saying how much he missed you only to see it in the morning unsent. Most of the time there's music directly blasting through his ears. Music being his only escape from his own thoughts, if he's left long enough it's like his own mind is beating him up.

That's how he got into collecting records. He was on the look out for this new record so he decided to drop by the store that day. He didn't expect to see you there.

Out of all the places he'd see you again.

He's not going to lie, he imagined this moment many times before. Even rehearsed what he'd say to you when he see you again but now that it happened he just froze on the spot.

Just like that it's like he back in his room, watching you walk out his door for the last time. He's back to square one.

It's been weeks and no sign of Haechan. It's a good thing, you think.

Also you've been subtly avoiding going to public places just in case you accidently see him again. You thought you're ready, but the moment you saw him it's like all of these emotions you've repressed since you left came back again.

Your roommate finally convinced you to come out. A few of you were gathering for karaoke night. You almost said no again but you need a night out, one more night in your room might just drive you crazy.

"Oh my gosh, girlie you're hereeeee" one of your friends squeals when she saw you walk in the room

"I'm here as a spectator, not to sing" you tell her, accepting the bottle of beer she hands you

"Alright by me, you better cheer the loudest when I sing"

You got invited to karaoke night. A couple of students from campus got together tonight to hang out for chill night. Even though you don't really sing, you do enjoy hanging out with your friends.

You were talking to another friend when suddenly you hear the intro to a familiar song being sung by a familiar voice.

왜 이리도 쉽게 토라지는지? (Why do I become mad so easily) 내 맘이 작아서 너무 한심하지? (It's pathetic that my heart is so small right?)

You look over the makeshift stage to see Haechan holding the mic, singing out one of your favorite songs.

어떻게 널 볼까? (How can I see you?) 밤새 뒤척인 맘의 조각들 반짝이지 않아 (I toss and torn all night The fragments of my heart don't shine) 난 알고 있는데 내가 할 수 있는 건 (I know it, what I can do is) "I'm sorry", 그 말뿐이란 걸 (Only those words)

Before the chorus starts, Haechan looks through the crowd finding you. He looks straight at you as if he's singing every word to you.

Words you wished you heard from him a long time ago.

Tell me why I let you down Any chance I get, I'm breaking down 잘못인 걸 다 아는데 (아는데), 왜 힘든 걸까? (I know I'm at fault but why is it tiring?) To tell you that I'm sorry, heart

For the rest of the song the two of you look at each other. You listen to him, imagining it was really him who was saying those words and not through the song.

When he finished, you stood up to go outside and get some fresh air.

Of course he's here. Luck was never on your side and fate seems to like playing jokes on you.

Haechan watches your back, giving the mic to the next person before following you out. You hear the footsteps behind you, knowing who it might be without looking back.

You're now at the rooftop of the building, a fewer people were hanging out here than inside. Feeling another presence beside you but they haven't said anything yet.

Even though you already know who it was, you don't say anything instead you get another beer from a nearby cooler and passing it over to Haechan without a word.

For a while neither of you said anything, watching the view in front of you.

“I get flashbacks when I see you and not the good kind” you finally speak out loud

“You’re saying that like I was the worst thing that ever happened to you” he snickers, holding the bottle up to his lips to drink his beer

He really didn’t think you’d talk to him or even acknowledge his existence at all. But now here you are, at some rooftop at a party he least expected to see you. 

He’s trying not to be too obvious but he can’t keep his eyes off of you. Maybe it was the way the light hit your face, or how the cold breeze was hitting his skin and yours. The moment he arrived he was kind of hoping to find you here tonight. He knew some of your friends were coming, you did use to have the same circle of friends until he started to distance himself.

He's glad though knowing you found good people who'll be there for you.

He's looking at you again, not being able to stop himself. It was at this moment he realized. Realized something he never thought he was ever capable of ever doing again. 

Feeling. Loving. Falling and accepting. 

The sound of horns from cars and the murmuring people in the background, the city lights in front the two of you and the stars as the witnesses. Witness for something that’s about to unfold.

It was scary. This new found knowledge scared him. 

In the past it was scary to him to even think about being tied down. To be committed to someone. All of this comes from his fear of failing. He wanted to tell you that before, the last day before you ended things between the two of you he wanted to let you know the reason why he couldn’t set things straight with you was because he was scared of letting you down. He was scared you might feel trapped. 

It's wasn't you who was too much for him. He was the one who felt like he was too much for you. He thought he was being too fast, too careless. His fears got the better of him, costing him a future with you.

You walked away and everything in his life got worse. Like the only light in his life was extinguished. 

Right now feels like that one chance to get things right. Even though he still feels scared, this time he’s willing to take that risk for you.

There are other things to be scared of, like your gaze. It was the way you were looking at him.

Like you can just consume all of him with those eyes. How you’re saying a thousand words with them without saying a single syllable.

One look into his own eyes and he's ready to surrender everything to you.

“Do you really want to hear my answer to that or are you still emotionally unavailable?” you ask, taking a sip of your own drink. 

“At what point did you realize you liked me? Like really liked me?” he asked instead, all he got was a laugh from you. You were laughing out loud like it was the funniest joke you’ve ever heard. 

“We were watching a movie, I mumbled something under my breath. I think it was something along the lines of ‘oh that’s so cute’, talking to myself. Then I felt you hold my hand, you kissed it before holding it in yours for the rest of the movie. It’s not the grandest gesture but at that moment I felt so content. It was all I wanted but I knew you didn’t think the same way” you smile sadly recalling that memory. Giving him an answer, wondering why you did.

"I guess I never said sorry, I'm sorry"

You shrug, taking another swig from your drink. "What's done is done. I would say no hard feelings but I kinda do hate you for what you did"

"Good. I'd be sadder if you said you didn't care. Hate isn't the opposite of love, it's indifference" he says

"Was that what you felt for me before? Indifference?" you can't help but ask, in your mind you're not sure if you're ready to hear his answer but it's too late to take it back

He shakes his head, drinking the rest of his drink before standing straight to face you

"I felt more for you, more than I ever said. In that I was wrong, I admit. I should've told you. It might be no use in telling you now, but I did feel something for you. I was being stupid and was too scared to admit it"

"Then why are you telling me now?"

"Because I realized not having you in my life is scarier than the thoughts in my head. I was too scared of my own mind, I sacrificed you instead when I shouldn't have. I could've told you. I wish I told you"

You listen to him, letting it sink in. For so long you asked just what went wrong, what you could've done differently or what would've happened if you stayed.

"I waited, I waited until you told me you liked me. But the more I waited, the more I started to not like myself. I knew I deserved more but I stayed because I wanted to be with you. You were always first to me" you say

Hearing you say those words breaks something in him. He did like you, he still likes you. Haechan has always kept a safe distance from everyone, you were the only exception.

"I'm glad we got to talk" you say to him with a smile, then you walk back inside.

This time Haechan didn't follow you because he knows this won't be the last time he sees you.

"Oh my gosh, so that's what happened between the two of you?"

After that conversation with Haechan, you went back to your place and called it a night. The next day your roommate noticed you were staring blankly into space, out of concern she asked you what's wrong. You told her all that happened in the past 24 hours then you told her all about your history with Haechan.

"Yep, I haven't seen him around campus that much after that"

"You know, one of his friends is my blockmate and we go to the same gym. I heard he did an exchange program for a year, maybe that's why you haven't seen him around" she tells you

"Oh really, he did mention it before. Maybe he went through with it" you mumbled

"So you guys were like in a situationship then?"

"I guess so. We weren't exclusive, but he was the only guy I was seeing for like 2 years. Remember when I was barely home"

"Oh! That was him? He used to like send food here all the time whenever you were busy studying"

"What?"

"Oh my god I forgot to tell you that? yea this was like when you guys were a thing. During exam season or when you're busy with reports and stuff, he'd drop off food for you" she tells you

"I thought you had those delivered"

"Girl no, half of the time he leaves it at our door. The only reason I know is because I caught him one time and he fessed up"

No, you definitely didn't know that.

Haechan never told you. He never told you anything. At some point you thought it was better to not ask instead of being met with silence as a reply.

One thing you know though is he's the type to take action rather than say it. You won't be surprised if he did it before, he might not be good at expressing himself but he never passed the chance to make you feel like you're the only girl in his world.

It feels like that was another lifetime ago, that at some point in your life you'd rather be the backburner than totally lose him.

Seeing him again was no help. It's like you spiraled down again. You thought he didn't have this effect on you anymore but you were wrong. You'd be lying if you say you haven't thought of him since you saw him last.

What you didn't know was Haechan felt exactly the same. He's trying to think of a way to reach out to you without seeming to needy, he didn't want you to think he's forcing himself back into your life.

Another week has passed and still no sign of you. He decided to get drinks with his friends, he's a few drinks in when he decided to call it an early night. This really wasn't where he wanted to be.

He's not sure where he wants to be. All he knows is his night would be a thousand times better if he sees you, even just a glimpse.

On his walk back to his place, he plucked a branch from a random plant. Picking out the leaves one by one, leaving a trail behind him.

You're on your way back from the library, deciding to get some midnight snacks first. You noticed the scattered leaves on the road, chuckling at the sight. The more steps you take, you slowly realized it's the same path to your apartment.

You slowed down, looking around to check if anybody was close to you but the street is empty. You grab your phone in your pocket just in case, while you hold your keys with the other hand.

When you're nearing your front door, you see someone sitting at the steps. Head lying low, you can't even see his face but you'd know that brown mop of hair anywhere.

"Haechan?" you called out for him

Haechan looks up, seeing you walking towards him. At first he thinks he's dreaming, he wipes his eyes to clear his vision. Even pinched his arm to check if this was real.

You're here.

He's here.

"What are you doing here?" you asked once you're standing right in front of him

"I grabbed drinks with Yangyang and Jeno, I swear I was walking home. I guess I got confused" he mumbles, now holding a branch with no leaves on it.

You look at it, then looked back at the trail of leaves behind you.

"Do you want to come in? Go drink some water or coffee first before you head back" you offered

"Are you sure?" he asks back, standing up from the steps

"Wouldn't offer if I wasn't. Let's go inside, it's getting chilly"

He steps aside to let you go first, following behind you. The elevator ride up to your floor was quiet, even after going in your apartment Haechan didn't say a word.

"Here, have some water. I can make coffee but it's too late to drink it, do you want ramen or something?" you ask him while getting the snacks you got out of the grocery bag

"Do you usually ask guys to come in with you and cook ramen for them?" he asks

He meant to only think of it, but with the little amount of alcohol in his system seems to have turn the filter off.

You snicker at his question. Instead of answering him, you grab two ramen cup noodles from your cupboard and turn the kettle on. You wait for the red light to turn green before pouring it in the cups, bringing it over the kitchen island and taking the seat beside him.

"I can't even order late night snacks without thinking about you, we used to do it all the time when I came over at yours or when we're having late night hangouts. You ruined a lot of things for me" you finally say

Haechan just looks at your profile. Even though you say it like that, there's really no trace of anger on your face. Maybe you are, but to him you look so pretty and cozy. He wanted to beat himself up for ever thinking he can walk away from this. From you.

"For what it's worth, whenever I get drunk I used to text you all the time. You probably blocked me because the messages never got delivered. Every morning I see that on my phone, message after message until I lost count. I knew you weren't going to answer but I still did it"

"Why?" you ask him

"I missed you. I wanted to tell you I was being stupid, I wanted to beg for you to take me back. But all of those thing I could only say with a bit of help from alcohol. That's how I knew I couldn't go back, not yet anyways. You deserved more than drunken confessions"

You look over at him, for the first time since that night you really look at him. The same eyes that used to feel like home to you.

He looked so different yet the same.

You still feel the same.

"It's been 3 minutes, you hate soggy noodles" you nod at his ramen. Opening your own cup to start eating. Neither of you said anything after that. It wasn't awkward, you actually enjoyed the quiet.

For the first time since Haechan came back and you saw him again, your mind was at peace. You weren't overthinking things. You weren't wondering your long list of what if's.

It's like a part of you knew he's finally here again.

After the quick snack session, he helped you clean up before walking towards the door.

"Thank you for the uh snacks and water" he didn't know what to say, a shy Haechan is a rare sight so you can't help but smile.

Haechan sees this, he can feel his own cheeks redden. You still look so beautiful when you smile, so beautiful that he's ready to fight anyone who makes you smile that isn't him.

"Go home, it's late. You're sober now right?" you ask him

"Yea, I'm good"

"Okay, don't want you getting confused and going to someone else's front door"

"I promise I won't drunk text you again so will you unblock me now? Or if you have a new number you can text me or whatever. Actually you know what, do whatever makes you feel comfortable. Don't listen to me, I'm just blabbing now"

You can't help but giggle at him, the action making Haechan's heart skip a few beats.

"I'm imagining this is how those drunk texts would sound like" you say

"I missed you, Y/N" he mumbles

You don't say anything. He can hear his own heartbeating, each thump like it's the last then you're smiling back at him

"Goodnight, Haechan"

He smiles at you, waving goodbye before finally walking out. He gestures for you to close the door behind him, only leaving after he hears the lock from the other side. He skips back home.

The next few days were back to normal, you weren't feeling gloomy. You were going out with friends. All in all, you're in a great mood.

"Hey, somebody left this outside. Tell me I'm crazy but is this from Haechan?" your roommate hands you over a small bouquet of flowers with a paper bag full of snacks.

"Uh yeah, I think so"

"I know things didn't end well between the two of you, but the boy is still so whipped for you" she mumbles, watching the small smile on your face

"Maybe it's just a peace offering"

"Right, well whatever it might be I say go for it. As long as you're happy"

You look up at her, shocked to hear that all of a sudden "Isn't that what you're worrying about? You really think I didn't notice it, you were listening to Sorry, Heart on repeat the other day then now you're listening to love songs. If he's it for you, then give it a chance"

She left after that, leaving you alone at home.

You take the gifts Haechan sent to your room, putting the flowers in a vase. You see a small note attached,

xx12131xxx just in case you lost it or changed your number. - H

You get your phone and dial the number, it's still in your phone. You unblock it first before you click call, waiting a few rings before you hear his voice

"Y/N?"

"How did you know it was me?"

"I wasn't expecting anyone else, and uh it looks like you didn't change your number"

"Oh yea uhm so you're unblocked now" you told him, not really sure what else to say

He chuckles, "Thanks, so I'm guessing you got the flowers and the snacks?"

"Yeah, thanks by the way. Why though?"

"You shared your stash with me the other night, just wanted to pay you back"

"You didn't have to, I offered. But thanks again"

"Hey uh are you busy right now? or tomorrow or really whenever you're free"

"I don't have anymore classes today"

"Do you want to go grab coffee or food or anything really. Whatever you want, my treat"

If someone told you you'd be going out to get drinks with Haechan, you'd say they're out of their mind. But here you are, visiting a new cafe you've never been to with a guy you thought you'd never be with again.

"I'd get the taro milktea, thanks"

"I'll take this one" he points at the drink in the picture, "And two of the cookies please, thank you" he pulls out his card to pay for the both of you. When you got your drinks and food, you walked back outside to sit on the vacant seats. The weather was nice, it wasn't too hot or too cold. A perfect day to be out.

You open your drink, taking a quick sip while Haechan does the same. You notice he made the face, like when he drinks or eats something sour.

"It's lemon flavored isn't it?" you chuckle, taking the drink from him and giving yours to him instead

"No, it's fine. I'll drink it"

"You hate anything sour flavored, I like lemon it's fine" you sip his drink, it does taste good but you know he won't like it

He watches you get the cookies, breaking it in half before giving him the other.

"If you have anything to say, just say it. You're too in your head again" you tell him

"Sorry, I was just..." he's at lost for words, but this time not for the wrong reason.

It's like his mind can't put what he's feeling in to words.

"Did you get the record you were looking for?" you ask him, changing the topic

"Huh?"

"At the record store"

"Oh I wasn't really buying anything, I was just browsing around. They didn't have the vinyl version of the album I wanted, I'll come back some other time" he tells you, taking a sip of your well now his drink.

"You were singing to the Dreamers, you know them?"

"I know a few songs, Sorry, Heart is good. I like that one"

"Me too. You sounded good when you sang it" you complimented him, this made him smile shyly at you

"Isn't it a bit too sad?" he asks, you shrug your shoulders

"I like it, although my roommate said I've been playing love songs these past few days" you shake your head, remembering what she told you

"Thank you by the way" Haechan suddenly says

"For what? You paid for our drinks"

"I meant for agreeing to get drinks with me. I was an asshole to you. All the time I was gone, I was thinking about how to make it up to you. That is if it's okay with you" he tells you.

He mentally pats himself on the back for not messing that up. Maybe slowly he'll learn how to speak his true feelings, he just hopes you'll be there to listen to him. Even though it took him this long.

"The last thing you asked me was what are we, I was being stupid. I wanted us to be more. I wanted us to be official but I was always scared to say it. I don't know why I was ever scared of committing, I could've been with you. That's my regret"

"Haechan"

"You're not a playtoy to me or just some past time whenever I'm bored. You were never too much for me. If anything I was the one who lacked. I don't blame you for walking away, I deserved that. I needed that so I could finally grow up"

You listen to him. You listen to him finally say the words you've been waiting to hear from him.

"This time I want to do it right, I want to take you out on dates, be there to go on night walks with you, go buy records we'd listen to, whatever you want to I just wan to do it with you. If you'll still have me"

The last words was barely a whisper, like he's scared to say it outloud, scared you might turn him away.

Haechan feels his heart beating wildly again, one day he might pass from arrest he thinks. Then you smile at him and it's like everything in his world stops.

You lean over, kissing the corner of his lip lightly. It was so quick but to him it felt like long time

"All I wanted was that, when it gets too much in your head you can talk to me. I'll listen. We don't have to walk away from each other" you tell him

"I'm sorry" he whispers

"I forgive you, the same way I forgive myself from everything that has happened. We need to heal from those wounds for us to move forward"

He smiles at you, he didn't even notice he got a bit teary eyed until a few tears escaped. He wipes it away before looking back at you again.

You stand up from your seat, holding out your hand to him. He looks at your hand then your face then your hand again before intertwining it with his.

There wasn't a destination in mind, he's probably thinking the same. The two of you just walk where your steps lead you to, with him following beside you holding you close to him.

Haechan looks at your hands, a smile forming on his face. He leans towards you to kiss you on the head, the action making you smile too.

"Thank you" you hear him mumble. You didn't say anything back but he felt you grip his hand tighter. Squeezing it three times.

And he knew everything was finally going to be okay. This time, you won't let go.

[fromchaostocosmos]

I found this gem of article. It has got to be some of the most disgusting Holocaust Inversion I've seen to date and I've seen a lot. It is an antisemitic hellhole. Because I have no interest in giving any form revenue via clicks I've decided to put the whole article here:

When the Holocaust returned it came denouncing Anti-Semitism and wearing a star of David

By Caitlin Johnstone

When the Holocaust returned it came denouncing anti-semitism and wearing a Star of David. It was never going to look how we were expecting. It wasn’t going to show up in its old familiar costume with the bent cross and the tiny mustache, blaming all the problems on the Jews. It had to look different. If it didn’t look different, we never would have let it in the door.

And that’s still what’s throwing a lot of people off: it looks different. It doesn’t look like what all all the World War II movies and Holocaust novels conditioned us to watch out for. In fact, it looks so different that the victims in the last story have the same religion as the antagonists in the new one.

That old aphorism “History doesn’t repeat itself, but it often rhymes” is true because people don’t tend to make the exact same mistake in the same way twice, but the conditioning which led them to make the first mistake will often lead them to make a second similar one. We’ve all been made far too familiar with the Nazi extermination program to ever consent to Jews being rounded up and loaded onto trains again, but we also didn’t purge from our civilisation all the murderousness, hatred and tyranny which made it possible. That’s why this new Holocaust has been allowed to happen.

We’ve all been conditioned to watch out for the next Hitler, but there’s never going to be another Hitler. We’ve been so focused on looking out for the Hitler who never comes that many of us missed when we started singing verses that rhyme with the ones we were hearing in Germany eight decades ago.

People assume what’s happening in Gaza can’t be an actual genocide, because the news media keep assuring everyone that’s not what we’re looking at, and so do the politicians in both parties.

“This can’t possibly be what it looks like,” people say. “If it was, we would have heard about it in the news.”

The villains in this new story don’t look like the villains in the old story, and, if you are a properly indoctrinated westerner, they might not look like villains at all. They might just look like Jews defending themselves from terrorists and western governments rightly defending their dear ally — which is exactly what they should do if they want to prevent another Holocaust!

But it’s that very misperception which is making today’s Holocaust possible. This mass atrocity is being tolerated by huge parts of the population exactly because we see it as intolerable for large numbers of Jews to be killed by those who hate them, not understanding that the people who were killed on October 7 were killed not because of their religion, but because they were part of a settler-colonialist project which is premised on the perpetual abuse of a preexisting indigenous population.

People defend Israel’s actions on the grounds that Israel has reasons for doing things the way it’s doing them. They have to bomb Gaza — they suffered an unprovoked attack from a bunch of evil terrorists. They have to bomb all the hospitals and schools and mosques — that’s where Hamas are hiding. They have to bomb areas that are packed full of children — Hamas are using those children as human shields.

But those who commit mass atrocities always justify their actions. They always have reasons for doing them. They always frame it as a necessary act of self-preservation.

That was always what the next Holocaust was going to look like. It was never going to feature new bad guys who cackle and twist their mustaches saying “Haha, we are evil! Let’s kill a bunch of people because we are evil!” They were always going to frame themselves as the heroes and victims, and the other side as the villains and victimisers. They were always going to offer a bunch of reasons why what they’re doing is actually good and righteous, even though it looks evil on its face.

If we are to prevent genocidal atrocities, we need to be able to recognise what’s happening in real time, and we can’t do that if we’re expecting them to show up in familiar and instantly recognisable packaging. We need to be able to see through the manipulations and justifications in the here and now so we can stop it in its tracks instead of waiting for history to judge it in our rearview mirror after it’s already happened.

This is important to recognise when it comes to saving Gaza, and it’s important to recognise when it comes to preventing the Holocausts of the future as well. They will never look identical to the Holocausts of the past. Their form will be unprecedented, and they will have different justifications for their orchestration. But they will rhyme. And we need to be able to pick up on that as it happens.

Republished from Caitlin Johnstone from Caitlin’s Newsletter, October 23, 2023

[yxngbxkkie]

#1 3RACHA supporter

okay, so i think this is the cutest thing on earth. my last installment of 3racha in NY for global citizens, and i'm so proud of myself for getting three fics out in two days 😌 i hope you guys enjoy it! let's hope my creative juices will stay with me 🫢💓

feedback is greatly appreciated 🥰

This is all for Jisung. This is all for Jisung. You keep repeating to yourself. You and your best friend flew to New York to surprise your boyfriend's, Jisung and Chan, at the festival they're performing at. What you didn't expect was a monsoon.

The two of you managed to make it to the front of the crowd, having the perfect view of the stage. Excitement flows through your veins as you wait for 3RACHA to take the stage.

You glance down at the Han Quokka skzoo in your hands, adjusting the shirt it's wearing. Someone beside you nudges your arm, causing you to glance over to see your best friend.

"Are you okay?" She asks you, a look of concern in her eyes.

"Yeah, sorry! I'm just getting a little impatient," you chuckle, moving your wet hair out of your eyes. "We haven't been able to see them for weeks on end. I just want to see my baby."

The shorter woman rests a hand on your arm, comforting you. "I know. They'll be on stage soon!" She reassures you with a smile.

You shiver underneath the orange poncho you're wearing as your eyes drift back up to the stage. You squeeze the quokka in your hands, feeling the excess water dripping down your hands.

The announcer calls out 3RACHA's name, causing you to jump slightly. People around you start screaming as a video plays on the blocked television screen.

A smile comes to your lips when you see Jisung on the screen. Your heart pounds against your chest as the Stray Kids anthem begins to play.

You glance down at your friend, seeing her Wolf Chan sitting in front of the lower part of her face. You shake her shoulder in excitement, bringing your gaze back to the stage.

A gasp escapes your list as you can see your friends and boyfriend standing on the side, their gazes settled on the crowd. You quickly turn to your friend, almost yelling into her ear where they're standing so she can see Chan.

"Oh my god," she says loud enough for you to hear.

"I know, I know. There's our boys," you almost cry, feeling the tears begin to well up.

The first song they perform is 3RACHA, a classic for this trio. You keep your eyes trained on Jisung the entire time, waiting for his eyes to meet yours.

You capture multiple pictures and videos of the members, feeling proud that they're here. When they finish their song, they start talking about all the problems in the world and that they need our help to make a difference.

Heyday is the next song, and you bounce in your spot, dancing and singing along to them. Jisung walks over towards where you're standing, and you stand on your toes, trying your best to capture his attention.

"Han Jisung, I love you!" You scream out, waving your skzoo around.

You grin widely as your gaze meets his. He continues to rap his verse, and you watch his boba eyes widen. You swiftly point to your best friend as well, conveying the message to let Chan know.

Jisung finishes his verse, giving you a subtle nod before throwing out a heart. Stays around you scream at his action, causing your heart to flutter.

After 3RACHA's set is over, you and your friend make your way out of the crowd. You can feel your phone vibrating in your pocket, and you fish it out before answering it.

"Hanji, you guys did amazing," you greet him instantly, smiling ear to ear.

"You guys are here?! For real?!" He asks excitingly. A chuckle leaves your lips, and you assure him that you're really here. "Where are you guys? I'll send Skijigi out to get you two."

You stop in your tracks as you stand by the tent that's selling food and water. "Uhm, we're right by the flag that says ultimate VIP and the tent that's selling food and drinks," you inform him, hearing him pass the message on to their manager.

"He's going out there now. It shouldn't be too long until he finds you," Jisung mentions, a quick sigh leaving his lips after. "I can't believe you're here. I missed you so much."

"I missed you too, baby. I was getting so impatient waiting for you to perform," you laugh into the phone, tucking some wet hair behind your ears. "Hey, do you by chance have extra clothes?"

You can hear Jisung rummage through his bag as he mumbles incoherently to himself. He lets you know that he indeed does have extra clothes you can change into.

"I see Skijigi! I'll see you in a minute, baby," you mention, tapping your friend's shoulder before heading in his direction.

"Okay, I love you."

You smile fondly. "I love you too."

You bid each other goodbye before you hang up, slipping your phone back into your pocket. Skijigi greets the two of you with a quick hug before leading you to where 3RACHA is.

As soon as you see Jisung, you're sprinting. You weave around people walking, throwing out an apology before colliding into your boyfriend's arms.

"My baby," Jisung whispers into your ear, twirling you around. "You're so beautiful."

You laugh at his compliment, knowing for a fact you look like a hot mess. "Such a charmer, Hanji," you grin, placing your hands on his cheeks.

He leans forward to capture your lips in a quick kiss. "I gotta keep you around somehow," Jisung jokes after pulling away.

You roll your eyes, shaking your head. "You don't even have to try, baby," you confess to him, resting your forehead on his.

"Thank you for coming. I'm so grateful for you," Jisung whispers while setting you back on your feet.

"Of course, baby. I'm your number one 3RACHA supporter," you wink, pressing a chaste kiss on his lips.

Changbin laughs as he walks by the two of you, shaking his head at how dramatic you both can be. Jisung grins, scrunching his nose slightly. "Yes, you are, my baby."

~

tagging: @thewxntersoldier @reddesert-healourblues @spacegirlstuff @moon0fthenight @foxinnie8 @like-a-diamondinthesky @prettymiye0n

[justyourtypicaltuesday]

So What's Up With Logan? - a speculating post for the season 2 finale

While I, like everyone else, am anticipating the season finale, I thought I might as well summarise my thoughts in a post.

In LNTAO, Logan outright explains he's irritated with being repeatedly ignored.

"There will be times in which I must be heeded and given our... current circumstances... I clearly haven't been."

This really stands out to me. It's no secret that due to being consistently talked over, shut up and disregarded, Logan's struggling to deal with his emotions- and keep up the facade he puts up pretending he doesn't have any. This is only evidenced further when he throws paper at Roman. But this quote almost feels like foreshadowing, suggesting that there will come a time Logan's the only side with the right answer, and because of the sides and c!Thomas' practice, they won't listen to him and will exacerbate the problem doing so.

Another interesting quote from LNTAO is hidden in plain sight- the overlapping verses from Logan and Thomas in Incomplete.

"This just serves as a testament to the fact that you have a temperament, which is fine, you just haven't accepted it, if you'd let them finish they'd get to the-"

"This just serves as a testament to the fact that to me you're negligent, which is fine, it just works to your detriment, you not letting me finish is proving my-"

Both verses here provide context into Logan's character. This confirms that c!Thomas is fully aware that Logan has emotions, specifically a temper, and that, in his eyes, the song was an attempt to get Logan to accept that part of himself. This could be setting up a very powerful scene in the finale, Janus and/or Thomas confronting Logan at a point when Logan pretending he doesn't have emotions is actually damaging Thomas as a whole.

Additionally, Logan feels neglected by Thomas. That's a word which is not used lightly. He points out that being ignored is actively causing detriment to Thomas, which he conveniently doesn't hear as he's talking (singing?) over him at this point in time.

They're both right. Logan is ignored to the point of detriment, but he also thinks highly of himself ("I'm the most important side here!") and often disregards the others' contributions until he's actively proven wrong. This is a repeated character flaw of Logan's. It's also seen Growing Up, Moving On, and even in Asides like Can Plushies Improve Our Health?. While Logan's been the cause of minor conflicts in the series, having him cause a problem on a scale similar to Patton in POF would be intriguing to see from a narrative standpoint. It's clear that in the latest episodes, Logan is struggling and maybe at some point soon, constantly being antagonised by c!Thomas and the other sides is going to have an effect.

This brings me to WTIT. This is the last plot-dependent episode we've had, so it naturally is where a lot of my theories are coming from. While we can see a lot of Logan's progress as a character- specifically in prioritising Thomas' mental health- we also see his lowest point so far. Thomas' mental health has been steadily declining since SvS, introducing Remus, the discussions during POF and this episode all make it obvious. And this is reflected in Logan. Despite taking precautions and relaxing the schedule so Thomas feels comfortable, Logan loses his cool when he yells at Remus. What the orange eyes mean is TBD, but Logan's emotions in that moment say one thing and one thing only: he can't keep it down much longer. Each time we see Logan lately, he's been more and more distressed. In LTNAO, he throws paper at Roman, in SvS he's left out. In DWIT he's exasperated the whole time trying to calm down the others. In POF he's clearly done with exerting any amount of effort getting them to listen to him. And here is the result of all that pent up anger.

"I just want to help Thomas become the best version of himself he can be, and in order to do that, he needs to listen to me. Unlike yours, my methods aren't the flashiest, and it's not very often I get the chance to get through to him. Please understand my insistence on the matter."

The words right before his outburst mean a lot too. Logan's been already established as a perfectionist, but here he outwardly admits his goal is to improve Thomas as much as possible. We've already seen c!Thomas second-guessing himself because of difference in opinion between sides, so here's an opportunity to explore Janus v Logan conflict. Logan questioning Janus' advice to Thomas to take it easy could mean that the rest isn't as effective as it could be and cause a problem they'll need to discuss. Logan's been largely absent from Janus-related episodes, so an argument in which Janus explains Thomas has worth as he is while Logan is focused on perfectionism and improvement is not unbelievable at this point in the story.

On the topic of Janus, I believe he's going to play a huge role in Logan's character development. The main thing holding Logan back is that he's lying to himself. He repeatedly insinuates and sometimes outwardly states that he doesn't have feelings, and both c!Thomas and Janus know this is a lie.

"I don't feel anything."

"Oh, of course you don't."

My theory is that Janus, as practically a living lie detector, is going to confront the sides about the lies they tell themselves, and being more truthful about themselves will help Thomas long-term. While this can be explored for each side, I'll save that for a post for another day and point out how specifically Logan's lie about not having feelings is already questioned multiple times in the series, setting it up to be confronted soon.

In conclusion, my speculations for the season finale are:

Logan's going to have another outburst- in full view of c!Thomas and the other sides this time, and it will have to be addressed.

Janus/Thomas and Logan are going to confront each other, Logan over being repeatedly ignored and sidelined, and the others over Logan consistently lying about not feeling emotions.

Logan is going to be the outright antagonist in at least one episode of the finale, along the lines of Patton in POF.

On the contrary, in one episode Logan will have the right answer, but be ignored because... well, duh.

Janus v Logan conflict is going to be a large plot point- addressing perfectionism and to what extent you should accept yourself as you are and to what extent you need to work on growth.

If you got this far, thanks for reading. It's my first post as a blog and I hope you enjoyed reading my guesses to what we'll see surrounding Logan in the finale. I'm planning on continuing with in-depth analysis of other sides and other theories I have, but so far this is what I've gathered in regards to Logan's direction at this point in the series.

[thewertsearch]

TG: i will be your server TG: and past me will stay as roses server TG: which is to say present me will TG: the one in the black suit GG: ohh… GG: i guess that makes sense TG: he can keep managing her for a while TG: until she sorta checks out soon and becomes totally useless

Rose is already detached from the party, following unseen orders in service of an unseen plan - but according to Dave, she's going to get worse.

This, I assume, is the point at which she becomes obscured from Kanaya's viewport. Rose is going to keep digging this hole, right up until she reaches some critical point on her timeline - and then, if I'm reading correctly between the lines, she's going to fall apart.

Final alchemy session, let's go!

Hey, calm down! Just because it's snowing outside doesn't mean it's Christmas just yet.

We're certainly getting close...

STEP OFF. … You decide he can keep the SORD….. though.

Abandoning your best weapon? A poor tactical decision by the Knight.

TT: Did you do anything on the moon besides rifle through my belongings? TT: Such as remove your shades and turn your gaze Ringward, by any chance? [...] TG: i did TT: What did you see? TG: horrible things [...] TG: when i saw them TG: their voices became clearer TT: What were they saying? TG: i couldnt really focus on anything specific TG: but TG: in totality TG: im pretty sure it was TG: like TT: ? TG: a plea for help

That's a little vague - but then again, they may be so alien to us that they're not able to communicate more clearly. This might be the closest thing to a human-readable message that the Gods can create.

This is probably a good place to put my transcription of the Squiddle song from Jade's nap. Much of it is unintelligible, but the parts we can hear are rather illuminating.

Squiddles are no ordinary friends, they work, and play, and work again. But they have homes, and mommies too; yes, they have mommies just like you.

Firstly, the Squiddles try to explain that they're not completely different from us. They're extraordinary creatures, practically incomprehensible to the Players - and yet, they have a home. They have loved ones. They play.

They repeat this assertion twice, as though they desperately want the Players to understand this.

So let them go to bed right now, so they can rest, and make cute sounds. If they can't rest they won't be strong …and they are really tiny.

They go on to say that they're exhausted. They need to rest, but something is keeping them busy. As a result, they're becoming 'tiny' and weak.

They can't make the 'cute sounds' that they're known for, which I suspect is a metaphor for the advice they normally dispense to Derse Dreamers, but I'm less sure about that.

[Unintelligible] …so let them sleep... …cause they will die if…

At this point, the music begins to fade out - but not before we hear that the Squiddles' lives are in danger. Something out in the depths of space is killing the Noble Circle of Horrorterrors.

Squiddle dee dee, squiddle dee dum. Everyone sing, a Squiddley song. Let's all be friends, And work as a team. Squiddles for you, Squiddles for me.

The final verse is self-explanatory.

It's unclear what, exactly, is happening out in the Furthest Ring, but it's dire enough that the Horrorterrors are reaching out to their neighbors, the Players of Sburb, and asking them to form an alliance.

We're seeing that alliance through Feferi, who has convinced them to blow the Dream Bubbles and link the two sessions. We're also seeing it through Rose, the only human Player willing to listen to the Squiddles' song - but her situation is more murky. I do think I understand her mental state a little better, though.

Rose is acting on Horrorterror advice - which means she's acting on whispers, corrupted images and half-heard fragments of a song. I don't think the Gods are manipulating her so much as they're playing a game of Telephone with her brain. They can't relay direct instructions, so the best they can do is transmit the vibe of what needs to happen, and the Seer has to figure the rest out for herself.

No wonder she's so evasive about her plan - I don't think she understands more than a quarter of it. She isn't nearly as in-control of the situation as she's pretending to be, and if she admits as much to John, she'd probably lose her nerve.

[shedoessoshedoes]

Casual

my hand slipped. inspired by this post i made :)

read on ao3

wc:2k

It was past midnight by the time Cassian slipped away to stumble up the stairs to the karaoke stage. No one had sung yet tonight–everyone who usually did was very drunk and it usually took until about then for some brave soul to pour their heart out via an ABBA track to the entire bar. He didn’t mind. He would break the ice. Soon, everyone would want to sing along, too. 

He swipes through the tracks, heading immediately past his typical go-tos. Tonight was not a night for “Man! I Feel Like a Woman!” Tonight was a night for–a-ha. He hiccuped as he queued the song and got into position, and wiped angrily at a tear he could feel beginning to form. She would come back, he told himself. She was just scared. And besides, a situationship did not deserve this kind of emotion. Even if it had been with the most beautiful, intelligent, perfect woman he had ever met. Even if he thought that Nesta Archeron loved–he cut himself off.

“No!” he said out loud into the microphone, but before anyone could react, his song was starting, and there was nothing left to do but sing. 

At a table in the back corner, Feyre, Elain, Rhys, and Azriel were just realizing that they were missing someone. Rhys kept insisting Cassian probably just went to get more drinks. Feyre didn’t agree.

“You know how he is when he’s drunk, Rhys! What does he do? He doesn’t drink more, I’ll tell you that much. What does he do?” 

“He talks about Nesta,” Rhys replied, mumbling into his drink. 

“Exactly!” she shot back, hands flying up in the air. “And why are Elain and I here instead of with Nesta and Gwyn and Emerie right now?” 

“Because Nesta knew that he would be sad and that you would keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn’t cry himself to death.” 

“And what will she do if she finds out we lost him because we were making out?” Feyre asked. 

Rhys sighed. “She’ll chop my dick off and then kill me. But why weren’t you two watching him?” he turns to Elain and Azriel. 

Elain squeaked as Azriel’s hand disappeared underneath the table. “We were in the bathroom,” he replied smoothly. “Cassian told us he’d wait right here.” 

“Well obviously that was a lie!” Feyre squawked. “Nesta just started trusting me again, and if we lose him–everyone split up! We can all check the bar and if he’s not here then–” 

“Feyre,” Elain cut in. “I think I found him.” She nodded up to the stage and Rhys’s mouth dropped open. Cassian appeared to be fighting back tears, and a melancholy introduction began to echo through the bar. 

“Oh my God, he’s singing a breakup song,” he yelped and jumped up, pulling Azriel with him. “Come on, Azzy! Someone needs to record this blackmail.” 

Azriel turned pleading eyes on the girls, but was dragged away before they could do anything to help. 

Elain leaned over so Feyre could hear her over the noise of the surrounding tables. “Do you think it’s odd that Nesta is so worried about Cassian’s feelings that she sent us to take care of him instead of having us stay with her? Or that she needs a girl’s night after a situationship break-up with someone that she claims she has never had any sort of feelings for?” 

Feyre shrugged. “I think she still doesn’t trust that I won’t repeat everything she says back to Rhys,” she said, an edge cutting into her voice. 

Elain hummed in response, and leaned back in her seat before jerking up abruptly. “Is he–is this Casual?” 

“No way.”

“I really think it is.”

“Call Nesta. Now we know for sure he’s in love with her.” 

“Is she in love with him?” 

“Feyre. Call. Her.” 

Sure enough, on stage, Cassian was launching into his first verse. “And you said, sweetheart, no attachment,” he sings, more than a little off-key and with the wrong words. He hiccups. “But we’re knee-deep in the passenger seat, and you’re eating me out, so is it casual now? Huh? Is it? Two weeks and your mom invites me–” 

Azriel climbed up on stage and whispered into his ear. “Fuck, Az, no, I’m not going home! I’m singing! If it’s casual, it’s casual now.” 

Fully crying, Cassian continued. Rhys’s flash was on now, and he was sure this was the best video he’d ever taken of his brother. 

“...maybe we’d have an apartment and you’d show me off to your friends at the pier. I know, baby, no attachment,” Cassian sobbed, and the bar sang along. “But we’re knee deep in the passenger seat…” 

At the table, Feyre and Elain had managed to get ahold of Nesta via Emerie and Gwyn. “Listen!” Feyre exclaimed to the three of them. “He is crying on the karaoke stage! Would any man do that for someone he didn’t love?” They can hear murmuring in the background, Nesta talking to her friends, and then a door click shut. 

Gwyn comes back towards the speaker of the phone. “I think she’s scared,” she said quietly. “I know she said she didn’t feel anything towards him, but she’s been crying all night. I think he was getting so important to her that she wanted to protect herself.” Emerie voiced her agreement. 

“She’s never had anyone to take care of her,” Elain replied. “Everyone who was supposed to didn’t. Just…tell her we love her and that we don’t think Cassian will ever hurt her like our parents did–like Feyre and I have.” 

Emerie spoke next. “For what it’s worth, I think she loves him too. We’ll talk to her.” 

They said their goodbyes, and turned back towards the stage of the bar, where Azriel was now trying to physically remove Cassian from the stage and Rhys had turned on his phone light to wave back and forth. A few other tables had followed suit. 

“It’s hard being casual when my favorite bra is in your dresser, and it’s hard being casual when I’m on the phone talking down your sister,” at this, Cassian knelt down on the stage and put the microphone down, burying his face in his hands. The rest of the bar continued singing for him. Feyre glanced over at Elain, most likely thinking of the time three months ago when Cassian had, in fact, talked Nesta’s sister down as Feyre had spiraled. 

The song began its outro and Cassian took a deep breath, gathered himself, and stood back up. “Fucked you in the bathroom when we went to dinner, your parents at the table, you wonder why I’m bitter.” He stopped to visibly gulp back more tears. “I hate that I let this drag on so long, and I hate myself.” Each word was punctuated with a sob. He finished the song and collapsed into Azriel’s arms, burying his face into Az’s neck. Rhys hopped up onstage and the two brothers half-carried Cassian back to the table and the girls. Cassian slumped back in his seat. 

“Do you want to go home, Cass?” Feyre asked gently. “Any one of us would be happy to take you.” 

He shook his head petulantly. “I’m not going home without Nes.” 

Rhys sighed. “Cassian, I don’t think she’s coming tonight.” 

“Well, she’s not the love of your life, now is she, Rhysie? I’m telling you, she’s coming to get me as we speak. My song will convince her that I love her and that I’m so sad.” Cassian’s words were slurring together, and with that, he dropped his head to rest on his arms on the table. 

The other three looked at each other. “Did you convince her to come?” Azriel whispered. The girls shook their heads. 

“We’ll just wait until he’s really asleep and then we’ll get him in an Uber before he can realize he’s going home,” Feyre decided. 

Another thirty minutes passed. Rhys got them more drinks. The time inched closer to two. They were about to call it good and drag Cassian home when someone spoke from behind them. 

“Please tell me he isn’t dead.” Nesta said, deadpan, as she walked to Cassian’s side, laying cool fingers on the side of his face, as the rest of the table gaped at her. 

“Nesta!” Elain greeted her. “I’m so glad you came.” 

Cassian was beginning to wake up, and shifted so one eye was open. When he saw Nesta, he got up so fast he fell back down. “Nes!” he said, far too loudly. “You’re here! See, everyone?” He turned to his friends. “She’s here!” He looked back at Nesta, and very seriously took her face in his hands. “Nes, I told them you were coming, even though you tried to break up with me and I was so sad, and no one believed me, but look! You’re here! That is some soulmate shit right there, sweetheart, how else would I have known you were coming? But I was so sad, so I had maybe a little too much to drink.” At this, he tried to show her how much he’d drunk, pinching his fingers together clumsily. “Which I shouldn’t have done because I should have trusted the power of our love. I’m so sorry Nesta, will you please, please forgive me?” 

A smile ghosted over Nesta’s face. “We can talk about it later. Do you want to come home?” 

“Yes!” he shouted, throwing an arm over her shoulder. “But really, I’m already home, because you’re my home, silly.” 

Nesta mouthed a goodbye over her shoulder and began to lead Cassian to the door. “Which is why I was so sad when you said we couldn’t date anymore–” 

“To be clear, Cassian, we weren’t dating,” Nesta said, but Cassian waved her off. 

“That’s what you thought, sweetheart. But I knew what was really going on!” 

“And what was that?” 

“You were falling in love with me. But then you got scared. That’s why I was so sad. I don’t want you to be scared about loving me.” 

“Do you know you sang a song about how sad you were?” 

He nodded solemnly. “I thought it would let you know how serious my love is.” 

Nesta laughed. “Well, it certainly did that.”

Cassian gasped then, as though realizing something. “You said we’re going home, Nes. Does that mean you’re asking me to live with you?” 

“We’ll talk about it tomorrow.” 

“Okay,” he responded dreamily.  “I’m so happy I don’t have to be mad at you anymore. It was so hard.” 

Nesta laughed again, and Cassian smiled so widely his face could have split in half. 

She drove them back to her apartment, and Cassian promptly walked over to the bed, flopped down, and fell asleep. Nesta went through her nightly routine quickly before wrestling a half-asleep Cassian into bed and climbing in next to him. He pulled her into his body and mumbled something that Nesta thought was supposed to be an ‘I love you.’ She pushed that familiar wave of fear down. 

She’d talked with Gwyn and Emerie for a long time that night, and she’d decided that she was going to take her therapist’s advice and trust that Cassian would be waiting for her when she’d admitted that she’d fallen. Their no-strings-attached arrangement had been all her idea, and she had been terrified earlier that afternoon when she’d tried to break up with him. He’d become so important, and that scared her, but Cassian, she thought, was better than letting the fear get the best of her. She pressed a kiss to his forehead, curled into him, and fell asleep. 

Cassian woke up to a pounding headache and flashes of the night before running through his mind. Nesta trying to break up with him, the trip to the bar, singing, Nesta coming to get him, him confessing his love–wait. He pushed up onto an elbow, and sure enough, there was Nesta, asleep beside him. A broken sound pushed itself out of his throat and she opened her eyes as it did. 

“Sweetheart,” he said, voice breaking. “You’re here.” He presses kisses to her forehead, her cheeks, down her neck, across her ears, everywhere he can reach. “I love you.” 

“I know,” she whispered, face buried into his neck. “You sang a song to the whole bar about how sad you were.” 

He groaned, rolling off of her. “I’m never going to live that down, am I?” 

She shook her head. “But it did convince me that you really were serious about this. That you weren’t telling me that you wanted to date me just to break up with me” 

“I’m more serious than a heart attack, sweetheart.” 

“Mmm, then you’ll be glad to hear that I love you, too.” 

Cassian smiled, crushing Nesta in a hug and pressing her into the mattress. He kissed her, and they whispered love yous into each other’s mouths, and it was everything either of them could have ever dreamed of.  

[likeadevils]

what songs from TTPD and TA are now yours? Which ones have spoken to you the most?

songs that are genuinely MINE

chloe or sam or sophia or marcus: i cried myself to sleep listening to this song on repeat on release night and for the life of me i cant tell you why. i think it’s a great example of her being older really deepening her writing— just that old scarred over longing of a possible life, a possible love, too far away to reach but close enough to brush past. also, the double edged sword of “if you want to break my cold, cold heart, just say’ i loved you the way that you were’”— you loved me before i’d twisted myself into the shape i am now in order to keep my current partner, but also, you loved me the way i was, not the way i am now

i look in peoples windows: i wrote a poem with the line “im afflicted by the not knowing” in it!! inspired by the outside!! and by spending so much of my childhood reading by moonlight and spying on my neighbors through their windows!!! it was called where midnight lives!!! what the fuck!!!

robin: another song i sobbed hysterically to. i was a strange little violent child obsessed with dinosaurs it feels like a lullaby someone made specifically about 3 year old me.

songs that i’m obsessed with:

but daddy i love him: the bridge is just so fun to scream along to. everytime ive been in a car since the album came out ive played this at least two times just cause

fresh out the slammer: it’s just. the first verse??? the way the song stutters apart for the last verse??? this song takes the blurry muse conceit of the album and uses it to its fullest. also just the diminishing returns from “but its gonna be alright, i did my time”

i can do it with a broken heart: my first listen favorite

the smallest man who ever lived: the bridge????? the bridge???? the bridge???? a few of the negative reviews specifically mentioned this song as boring and for a millisecond i was so angry i could’ve exploded

the black dog: this is like, the platonic ideal of a taylor swift song to me. just that old quiet tragedy she can build out of little moments of hoping your ex will remember you when they hear your favorite song or not having known your last kiss was your last kiss or your ex still sharing their location with you. like, it’s just her at her best, but with the maturity to sing “and you jump up, but she’s too young to know this song”

i hate it here: people have talked about seeing reputation in the anthology but i think you can also see so much debut and it makes me feel so tender. also i genuinely don’t understand why people don’t like “if chose the 1830s but without all the racists” like?? it’s supposed to be a bit clunky?? the songs about the limits of escapism?? the line enhances both of those themes?? also “i’m there most of the year” is such a funny devastating relatable lyric to say about a daydream

thank you aimee: it’s not every day a song inspires you to send this message about something a child did to you (fuck you madeline!!! fuck you jessie!!!)

the bolter: avoidant attachment representation!!! i love that it takes the stuff she hated about herself in the archer and just accepts and loves them and appreciates what they’ve given her. i especially love it because bolt can mean like, crossbow bolts, so it’s a flip on the archer. also “bolt” is one of my favorite words i love all the different meanings

“the only thing that’s left is the manuscript, one less souvenir from my trip to your shores, now and then i re-read the manuscript, but the story isnt mine anymore” also just had me sobbing. there’s just. wtf!!!!!!

[its-time-to-write]

ch. 5 - hustling for the good life

table of contents

your boots beneath my bed

You, on the other hand, had done your proper research. Watched his highlights on Lust Conquers All and everything. You want to know what exactly your stupid brain is doing, thinking someone like that is cute or (retch) boyfriend material but who gives a shit because you’re probably not going to see him again. 

You’re out of the hotel and in some tiny little cottage just outside of London. No paps, no PR agents or what-fucking-ever, just you, Natalie, and loads of fresh air. She finds you in the yard one morning, plucking a tune on a guitar and humming.

“That’s new,” she grins. “Gonna have a new single out soon?”

You raise a shoulder. “I don’t know. Maybe. Might just keep this one to myself.”

Natalie says hmm then turns on her heel to go back inside. 

“Oh,” she says after a few steps, “you should at least send it to him. He might like it.”

“It’s not about anyone!” you call after her rapidly retreating figure. 

“Sure!” she yells back. You flip her off and she says, “I saw that!”

—

Natalie’s booked some coffee shop concert for you, so you’re a little preoccupied with sound checks and meeting your temp band and promising to drink a latte as soon as you’re done singing because fuck sleeping.

It’s sold out which isn’t hard because the place is small, but it’s fun to sit on a stool and sing into a small microphone and be able to talk and joke like you’re the small-town artist you began as.

The crowd goes crazy when you strum the first few notes of Mango, as they sing along to the whole thing. You finish the set and begin thank everyone for coming when you see an oddly familiar face in the very back of the room. You’re not even sure how you caught it because again, it’s crowded, but there it is. He’s with some other people who you’re pretty sure are part of AFC Richmond, but you don’t care about that now.

You pause in the middle of your goodbye and say, “You know what, I’m actually going to play one more song. It’s a rough draft right now, so be nice to me. The working title is Poolside, and you guys are the first to hear it.”

You begin to pluck the repeating melody that’s been playing on repeat in your brain and start the first verse.

I know it’s a bad idea

And I can’t have you anyway

But you’re like a tiny bit of sunshine

I can’t seem to chase away

It’s terrifying and vulnerable in a way you’ve never been before. You’ve played songs for boys before, but never like this. 

You were in a hotel room with Austin one night after one of his movie premiers and just giggling about how stupid it all was. 

“I already have our breakup song,” you’d said, hopping down from the table. “Wanna hear it?”

Austin thought that was hilarious so he said, “Obviously,” so you grabbed your guitar from your room and strapped it on. 

“Alright,” you said while strumming a bouncy tune, “this one’s a little more line-dancey than my usuals. So.”

Austin had tapped his foot while you sang, “A long time ago/in a land not so far away/we met in a bar/and you fucking said ‘hey.’”

It was silly as you both bounced around the room singing about your impending split. Neither of you cared because it wasn’t real, and you had recorded him singing a harmony on your phone. 

You snuck it into the actual track months later, too faint for anyone to actually notice. 

But that was the closest you’d ever been to directly singing someone their song. It was different with Mango because it wasn’t romantic. 

And now it’s different with Jamie, because you’re singing about how dumb it is that you keep thinking about him asking if you were ok at that dumb fucking party. 

You end the song to thunderous applause, and you’re pretty sure bootlegs are going to end up on YouTube within the hour. You don’t care. All you can think of is slipping to the back of the café to claim that latte then sneaking out the back. 

“Nice one, girl,” Natalie remarks as she hands you a cup. “The label’s gonna love that.”

You smile. “They don’t care. I make them too much money for them to care.”

She rolls her eyes and opens her mouth to speak but just stops. 

“Hello? Earth to Nat?” you say, waving a hand in front of her face. 

“Hey,” says a voice from behind.

You spin around. It’s Jamie. 

And god, he looks fucking fit in trackies, Gucci slides, and a neon orange shirt. 

You can feel Natalie sneaking away behind you, and for once, you’re glad to be alone. 

“Hey,” you reply. “How’d you get in here?”

Jamie smiles. “Keeley. She can talk her way into anything.”

You nod, still holding your latte. “Well, usually we have a strict policy about fans who try to come talk to me unannounced, but I guess for you, I’ll let it slide.”

Oh god, are you fucking flirting?

Jamie smirks. “Babe, I ain’t any old fan. Probably number one.”

You raise an eyebrow. “Uh huh. Right. And when did you decide you could call me babe?”

Jamie takes a step closer. “Right about the time Keeley convinced me to ask you out.”

You almost drop your coffee. 

All you can say is a weak, “Oh.”

“She would love to,” Natalie pipes up from behind a stack of coffee beans. “I’ll get you her number and you can set it up.”

Jamie’s looking at you expectantly, and you suppose he probably wants your consent, not just Natalie’s. 

You nod and say, “Sure,” with the same lack of conviction the oh held. Jamie’s expression ripples for a moment, but then he’s grinning and saying “Mint,” before saluting Natalie and exiting the way he came. 

“What the fuck, Natalie,” you say. Your bones feel like jelly. “I can’t go out with him.”

“Yes you can,” she tells you. “And you are. It’s settled.”

Oh fuck. 

—

He texts you the next morning.

hey it’s Jamie :)

I can’t be seen with you, you write back before you chicken out. The press would have a field day. I’m not looking for something public, so if you’re only in this to gain popularity, you’re out of luck. 

It’s a little harsh, but you’re going to be open about this.

no worries, he says. paps r fuckgn annoying. we can do smthg small. 

Turns out something small means sneaking into a restaurant where Jamie’s been going for ages. It has a small room in the back with windows you can see out of, but no one can see in.

“John’s been getting me back here for ages,” he says. “Haven’t had an issue with the press yet.”

It’s all so normal, the way he pulls out your chair and tells you what he likes to order. The way he’s making you laugh and asking you questions about your life, not the ones about your music, but the kind that are actually about you. 

The server comes around with a bottle, and asks, “Wine?”

Jamie looks to you and you shake your head, barely suppressing a grimace.

“All good here, mate,” he says.

“Not a drinker?” he asks once the man is gone. 

You hesitate. You’re about to cross into point-of-no-return territory. 

“I- I don’t know, I can’t really smell it without thinking of my family. They’re all…”

Jamie nods. “I get it. Like me dad. Prick’ll be sober when he’s dead.”

“Yeah,” you say slowly. “Yeah, never had a family event without someone fighting. My mom’s the first one to get out, because she’s the youngest. She saw all that shit and decided it wasn’t for her. She went away to college, met my dad, and never looked back. Course, my uncles started showing up once I got famous. And my aunt, too. She’s probably the worst of all of them. She actually broke into my first apartment asking for money. She smashed a bottle and cut up my face pretty bad… I was nineteen and still trying to figure out my music career and stuff. I still have a scar on eyebrow from it. But, I wasn’t so famous that it ended up on the internet, so…”

You trail off again. Jamie’s looking at you all thoughtful. You’re not sure when he started holding your hand across the table, but there it is. It’s warm and calloused, and he doesn’t seem to care that yours is sweaty.

“My dad’s the same way,” he says softly. “Showed up a month back at a match. Fucking prick. But… can’t seem to cut him off, y’know? He’s fuckin’… family or some shit.”

“Hah,” you say, “That’s what Margarita’s about.”

Jamie’s silent for a moment. “Thought it was about how you really fucking liked limes,” he says finally.

That gets a laugh from you. “I do actually really fucking like limes. But enough about me. How’d you get into football?”

By the end of the night, you’re properly smitten. This boy knows how to flirt, knows all the right compliments and ways to brush his hand against yours or brush a stray strand of hair out of your face. 

This is bad, you think as his lips touch yours. This is very, very bad.

table of contents

[elliestation]

ALYXCAT'S PAWSOME PLAYLIST - MY FAVORITE PARTS OF MY OWN ALBUM

I WANNA…i love the stereo space in this track. it just feels so wide to me and im being hugged by my guitars. im just so proud of myself to making this so quickly as proof of concept that i could make something really good if i just chose to have fun.

ANYTHING….the first and last verse of the song was written by my girlfriend. she wrote a song for our first anniversary that turned me into a SOPPING WET CRYING MESS and i had to reference it in some way. i ended up making this song for this years anniversary with a bunch of cute art i doodled with the lyrics on it…she cried and i was so glad.

TRACK THREE. this one encapsulates what writing this album felt like to me. everything was in perfect alignment. i feel like i really cracked the code. like i finally crossed (krossed haha) a hurdle that i'd been stuck on for many years of my life. its so corny and full of things i love about the songs i love, but thats the point. this is the song that taught me to embrace the rough and scrappy drafts and ideas and throw my feelings of inadequacy to the side. Polyana's verse really cemented this for me too because she just freestyles at the end and it just felt right to keep it in. TLDR: this song taught me to trust my gut. i love it so much.

HEADSPACE. i wrote this song after having a "regular" conversation with someone in my family and i was realizing i was dissociating as a defense mechanism whenever a specific sort of interaction would occur. i've always wanted to write a song that gets really intense and is really grand, rough, and intense, and this song really did it for me. its the first time i really appreciate my singing and screaming voice in its natural range, so im glad it was the first one on the album to feature it.

RECHARGED. i wrote this on a bad day but originally as a joke to make myself feel better. the starting sample is actually a stupid deku meme put through many layers of botanica ass sound design to hide it. i got a bunch of funny reactions from my friends after showing them. i actually did feel pretty refreshed after making this. enough to keep moving forward for the day <3

HOLD ME (sunglare from the sun). aside from the weird title shit thats going on with this track, this song is about a conversation i had with myself. my weeks kept feeling like moments of drowning mixed with the most euphoric times of my life on repeat. as much as i wanted to give up on everything i held dear to me, some part of me couldn't let go and encouraged me to keep going. despite all my self-sabotage, a part of me still had some fight left. the way that this song progresses is something that i never thought i could ever accomplish, and im glad that fighting side of me won because i would have never made this song without it.

CANT LET YOU KNOW. the person that this song is about changed my life. i know that the chorus and all that sounds like they sucked, but really i can't help but hope they're doing okay. though i may be afraid to tell them to their face, i hope they find this song and know that im glad they were apart of my life. i just love how corny this song is and I LOVE POLYANA'S VOICE SO MUCH. okay anwya yeah I ALSO LOVE THIS FUCKINNN OUTRO ITS SOOOO PRETTY TO MEEA AAA

SENTIMENTAL ALIBI. kros… FUCKING. KROS. THIS GUY IS MY FUCKING GOAT. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. THIS SONG WASN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE ALBUM!!! i made a little sketch one day and sent it to him just to hear his thoughts and HE CAME BACK WITH A WHOLE VERSE THAT MATCHED THE VIBES PERFECTLY WITHOUT ANY CONTEXT! and it ended up becoming the WHOLE SONG and one of the biggest projects i've ever worked on. for this entire album being the first times i've ever started working with people, im SO GLAD that my first experiences have results like this. these people have become such important pillars of my life and im so glad we were not only able to communicate that into a song together and work so well together doing it. my fav part of this song is the final climax…this is the first time i really sang my heart out on a chorus,,,,,and I LOVE HOW IT SOUNDS!!! THAT USUALLY NEVER HAPPENS!!!

TAKE A STEP. this song pushed me with the sound design a little and im really happy about it. when i hear this song i always feel a bit of me choosing to be a little hater and cringe at the conry ass message i have in this, but strangely i feel such comfort knowing i can look at those feelings, accept them, and move on despite them. i may think its stupid, corny, cringe, whatever. but i'll keep following those feelings because they have only led me to create this entire project. i will keep taking a step towards the realest parts of me no matter how fucking stupid i sound because its the only way to grow. im really glad this is the last song on the album for this reason.

the entire album means so much to me because this (and hopefully future projects too) will continue to serve as reminders of the lessons, memories, and joy i experienced when creating this project. dare i say, i would need a Sentimental Alibi to free myself from the nostalgia of this project.

i really hope these messages resonated with you <3 thank you so much for reading.

love you, stay safe.

[scrambledd3ggss]

Wisdom saga thoughts!! (Spoilers for the wisdom saga)

Legendary- MICO’s VOICE?? Oh my god it’s great, ALSO THE SUITORS IN THIS??? THE WHOLE SECOND PART OF THIS LEADING INTO LITTLE WOLF???? Oh my god I’m losing my mind. “Don’t you dare call my mother a tramp!” “I just did. Whatchu gonna do about it champ?” AGHHHH AYRON’S VOICE???

Little wolf- okay so I was singing to the parts I knew AND THEN ATHENA SHOWED UP?? OH IM GONE! WHAT??? EVERYONE SOUNDS SO GOOD 😭🙏 (also Telemachus’s reaction to Athena is amazing and I love it) ATHENA’S VERSE IS GIVING ME LIFE

We’ll be Fine- Oh my god I’m crying, sobbing even. Athena describing her and Ody’s relationship is simultaneously adorable and so so sad. Athena and Telemachus’s friendship is so wholesome and I love this duo. “You’re a good kid” KILL ME NOW/pos

Love in Paradise- ATHENA’S MIND DIVE IS SO COOL. ALSO SHOWING ALL THE PROGRESS IN THIS MOMENT IS SO BITTERSWEET. “Odysseus where did you go” SOBBING. Wangui’s voice is so magical, everyone in this is so talented (also her little giggle is so cute). THE ENDING OF THIS FUCKING SONG THOUGH?? KILLED ME. ODYSSEUS IS SO DEPRESSED AND ITS JUST UGHHH I WANNA BE ABLE TO HELP HIM GET HOME BUT I CANT. Also how this part just shows everything he’s been through and how it’s affecting him mentally and emotionally and he knows he can’t go home. CALYPSO CALLING HIM ODY??? Hearing all of his loved ones singing.. I’m too far gone guys. HE CALLED ON ATHENA FOR HELP

God games- APOLLO AND HEPHAESTUS VOICE REVEAL (they sound great, loved their verses so much) Aphrodite and ares are the it couple tbh, and I know I keep repeating this but EVERYONE SOUNDS SO GOOD😭😭!!! I just love Athena’s different tactics to convince them to let Ody go home. ALSO ATHENA’S LITTLE BOOGY DURING HERA’S VERSE?? ADORABLE. I forgot to mention Apollo calling Odysseus ody 😭🙏 ZEUS’S BEAST MODE THING??? OH MY GOD??????? HOW HARD ATHENA FOUGHT HIM ESPECIALLY AFTER HE TALKED SHIT ABOUT TELEMACHUS (p.s ares’ little “is she dead” got me for some reason 😭)

So in conclusion, every saga that comes out wrecks me more and more than the last one and I love it

[bisnes-socks]

Professor 🙋‍♂️ I have an observation to share that I admit I haven't noticed before. You mentioned that Autiomaa first and second half of the song sets the theme apart from past to now with a different style of singing. Now that I listen closer, he's doing that with other songs too: RTG, Takavoltti, Kot Kot, S=M, etc.. second part tends to be either more 'shouty' or in slightly different voice tone. And I am absolutely eating it upppp :V

you are my favourite student for bringing this up. you get an A++ 💚

alright class, gather 'round. we're going to be talking about his vocal abilities, vocal styles and techniques and how he uses them to elevate songs and build different levels into them.

something you will often hear as criticism towards käärijä is that he's not a technically skilled singer. i have a friend who likes to remind me everytime we talk about eurovision 2023, that käärijä didn't get jury points "because he can't sing". but it's not that simple.

while clean melodic singing is not his strength, and it's true his vocal performance in the singing part of CCC was perhaps not the strongest on the ESC stage, up against a lot of technically skilled singers, what he does does actually take skill and it is not something just anyone could do at the drop of a hat. and if esc juries had actual vocal experts in them, instead of just radio pop producers, they might actually recognise that, but that's another rant for another day lmao.

you've all probably heard multiple CCC covers by now. how often do singers covering CCC sound comfortable doing all that? and how often do they sound like simply getting as low as he can go is a struggle? to hold on to that quality of voice, keep the volume and the breathing steady, and stick to basically one single note, and do all that live? that. takes. skill. there's a reason he isn't moving much in ccc live performances during the verses - he needs his body focused on producing the sound.

and CCC is a great example of him using different vocal styles to elevate the song. the first verse is in that low voice, then we get to the chorus, which is in a higher, more shouty voice - different textures! contrast between the sections! and then back to the low voice - but behold! the higher voice comes back now, for the second half of the verse, as the tempo of the rapping picks up. we're kicking into a different gear, and he is highlighting and emphasising that with a different vocal take. the song is going somewhere that sounds both new and familiar and that is sooooo important in a song like this, that is trying to make a big impact in a short amount of time. we're going somewhere new but the song isn't going to lose us, because we already know these elements - we heard these lyrics before, we heard this voice before, but it's something a little bit different know. the vibe is new and something else is coming!

and so after the second chorus we get to the melodic singing - again, a new vocal style! and then the softer part - again, a new vocal style! these aren't dramatic changes, but just enough to build the song and to familiarise us with these new sections, that will repeat, for us to feel and experience them again. brilliant songwriting and brilliant use of vocals!

you mentioned ready to go in your ask and that is an eeeeeexcellent example of his use of vocal styles, i could DIE! let's look at the choices here, they are delicious.

the thing to recognise about many käärijä songs is that ultimately, they are made up of quite simple ingredients. they aren't super complicated instrumentally a lot of the time, so if you look at ready to go, the musical elements in each section are, at the end of the day, quite simple. which is not unusual for the genre! so he brings a LOT into the mix with his different vocal styles, making the songs feel like they keep moving forward and building.

ready to go starts with one vocal style: quite a low and monotone voice, except lines start with a sort of a mechanical squeal in the voice. and it's quite a funny voice actually, it doesn't sound like a natural speaking voice. then we get to the pre-chorus: "oh, oh no, vaikka meikit valuu nii ei lopu show" part, and the voice is different. it's more of a singing quality, but still quite low. 

and then we get to the part that i'm sure everyone has realised is my favourite by now: "sä haluut nähä ku mä flomaan taas ojaan kuraiseen, hei baby i'm ready to go". there's no beat, there's just a synth-y carpet of a background, and he goes over it with quite a breathy tone, much higher than before. it's quite a flirty sound, on purpose i think. obsessed!

now! second verse! he could go back to the same voice he used in the first verse, but he doesn't. the song has moved on from that, it needs another layer to stay interesting. there is a change in the music as well, the palm muted guitar is now there for the whole verse, but the most noticable change is in his voice and the intensity. it's higher and sharper. 

he dips back into the lower voice for the pre-chorus, but that works in his favour, because going back down there, in the area we already know and are familiar with, allows the chorus to kick in hard when it does.

and this chorus is in full blast, the beat is there the guitar is there, and his voice is not so soft and breathy anymore. overall the voice is much sharper, much more resonate, much more engaged.

and then the song calms down again with "mä haluun ajaa tosi kovaa, vaik pelti kolisee, hei baby i'm ready to go" and he isn't quite as breathy and flirty as he was with the very first "sä haluut" part - because that wouldn't fit this part anymore. he has to go from here directly back into the full chorus at full blast. so he is softer, but not too soft - just the right style to calm it down and then jump back in.

he actually does know what he is doing vocally, even if he isn't one to belt like celine dion, you know?

and one more thing! i know how much people love his growly shouty voice - as heard in sex = money (tein onlyfans bagin section) or the last verse of yhtä vailla and many more. THAT takes technique to be able to do it so consistently and to be able to control the volume as he does. our beloved growly shouty vocals are actually a true testament of the fact that he is skilled with his voice. i'd like to see the best melodic singers do what he does for a song and see how well they do. because what he does is not easy.

now go forth class and find different vocal styles and textures in his songs! he is a vocal wizard and i love him for it. he is so flipping interesting to listen to.

[lintwriting]

"Goodbye My Danish Sweetheart" and "Love Like You": The Poetry of Envy

by Mitski and Rebecca Sugar respectively

"Comparison is the thief of joy," and "Of all the seven deadly sins, only Envy is no fun at all." In the moment, envy is all the pain of humbled pride and none of its glamor, with only schadenfreude as a reprieve.

But what if you sat with that envy and accepted the humbling, instead of praying for someone else's downfall?

What if you grew to love that which you envied? What if they loved you back? What if you humbled yourself and matured past that petty need?

Well, there's pain in that, too.

Mitski and Rebecca Sugar know it well. They approach it from completely different angles, but it's surprising how closely they match in conclusion: There's a special kind of drama in the pain of disappointing someone you think is better than you.

(And behind it all is self-hatred.)

Goodbye My Danish Sweetheart by Mitski

This song is an apology for ever failing to appreciate someone (or cheating on them), and as you listen to each verse, Mitski is singing in real time on how she's learning to humble herself.

Unlike the soulful croons of Bruno Mars's "When I Was Your Man," which is an ode to the break-up regret caused by feeling lonely again, like he's begging to come back now that he's seen you with someone else, Mitski's verse is less a reaction to her own loneliness and more self-flagellation, like we're listening to a therapy session wherein she explains why she treated you wrong in the first place.

Maybe this is why Miley Cyrus wrote a girlboss anthem ("I can buy my own flowers") in response to Bruno ("I should've bought you flowers") and not Mitski ("You can see how it's blossomed for you")/s.

To tell this story, Mitski uses repeating refrains to contextualize the previous, recreating the experience of maturing enough to see your past mistakes and taking advantage of the structure of songs.

The most important repeated line within the song is "There's nobody better than you."

It opens the song, is directed at her ex-lover, and it contradictorily sounds like she's questioning their worth.

Because that is a BOLD statement.

Really Mitski? There's nobody? Nobody at all better than 'you?'

Mitski admits to this boldness with the next line: "It took me a while 'til I knew."

That there is what she's apologizing for—a failure to appreciate them. A microcosm of the song in the first two lines.

Her mistake is direct contrast with her lover, who "knew from the start it was us, didn't you?"

This is how Mitski characterizes what makes her lover the best.

The undisputed number one person whom no one can be "better than" is simply someone who had faith in 'us,' in Mitski.

All the while Mitski makes excuses: "It just took me a while 'till I knew"

The ambiguity of the phrase is useful. Not “took too long” but just “a while.” 

“Just” is also an excusatory statement. I just forgot. I just didn’t notice. Just protects pride. This is a prideful thing to say, to be in the position to judge someone (and failing to judge them correctly)

Skipping to the chorus, the refrain is:

And I don't blame you

If you want to bury me in your memory

The first time you hear this, it's Mitski describing the pain of understanding why someone would want to forget you.

I'm not the girl I ought to be, but

"Ought" is doing a lot of the heavy lifting, implying a failure to do good.

Maybe when you tell your friends

You can tell them what you saw in me

And not how I turned out to be

This ‘saw in me’ transforms "bury me in your memory" from a line about forgetting Mitski to a line about only keeping alive the memory of what Mitski could’ve been—her lover's idealized version of her. 

In effect, she wants to kill and bury that part of herself that failed to justify her lover's faith in her, the part that disappointed them. Self-hatred!

Thus, "ought to be" and "not how I turned out to be" become lines about failing to meet their expectations. This last line is the one that changes meaningfully with each refrain, recontextualizing the previous. In the next chorus, she sings:

And not the way I am

Instead of "not how I turned out to be."

With "Turned out to be" in the past tense and "I am" in the present tense, the changing of lines indicate a progression of time.

Not only a progression of time, but growth over that time as well, since "I am" creates the sense that Mitski is actively accepting that she was at fault for the break-up, while "turned out to be" created the sense that she was distancing herself from that before through its passive voice.

With the introduction of "I am," she demonstrates, in comparison, how much "turned out to be" protected her pride, recreating the experience of maturing enough to see the past clearly.

In the last chorus, she sings:

But could we be what we're meant to be?

I'm just about to beg you, please

And then, when you tell your friends

You can tell them what you saw in me

And not the way I used to be

With the last refrain of the chorus, she's begging to come back and be the couple her lover believed in, but it's to demonstrate that she's changed for the better, not just because she's lonely or jealous.

This is because the focus is on how, instead of "way I am," it's "way I used to be." She's recontextualizing herself as having matured, once again, past her previous mindset.

In this case, she's saying it'll be different this time because she's buried who she "used to be," or the self that didn't appreciate them as she should've. And she proves it with the last line that bookends the song:

'Cause there is nobody better than you

In effect, the whole song is a thesis on why there really is "nobody better than you," and THAT in itself proves that she's changed! It's a song about the lowering of herself and her pride, of recognizing that they're better than her, and of recognizing the pain of having disappointed them because of how much better they are.

Love Like You by Rebecca Sugar

One of the best parts about this song is the way it truly works as an ED song to Steven Universe. It, in effect, is the theme of the whole show, and therefore it works to embody the ...theme of the whole show, which is the transformative power of love.

This song can basically represent the relationship between any two characters in the show in BOTH directions—Rose Quartz and Greg Universe, Greg and Steven, Steven and the Gems, Steven and The Diamonds, etc. And it's such a poignant message as well, managing to create depth with nuances like how self-hatred affects your ability to love, the importance of connection in healing from trauma, and even the limiting nature of only having one perspective—again, all those being themes within the show itself.

Video by Let's Talk Cartoons that talks about this theory that it's about Rose. This theory is right, but misses the point that EVERYONE deals with this in the show lol not just Rose.

If I could begin to be

Half of what you think of me

These two lines are a microcosm of the song, as Mitski's first two lines were, and, like Mitski's song, it's about the disappointment of someone who has faith in you. Someone better than you, as implied by the next two lines.

I could do about anything

I could not put this any better than Rebecca Sugar has already put it, which is characteristic of good poetry!

They think of you so highly that achieving even half of their expectations would be hanging the damn moon! What I'd like to bring your attention to is that it's the same characterization that Mitski used for her lover—part of what makes them so amazing is simply how much faith they put in you!

Within Steven Universe, everybody has had experiences with betrayal of trust and the resulting fear of ever putting your faith in someone again. So this kind of earth-shattering faith can seem naive, but doing so with full knowledge of its pain reveals a kind of invulnerability and confidence that would make someone seem someone god-like, hence your idolization of them.

I could even learn how to love

This line is the one that gets recontextualized over the course of the song, like Mitski's "There's nobody better than you." The idea that someone loves poorly or can't love, though I will say, is beautiful and relatable.

The next refrain of it:

I could do about anything

I could even learn how to love like you

"Like you" is the magic phrase!

Because while they have a god-like faith in others, being on the receiving end of it—that's buoying, too! Much like people have "faith" in god, your idolization of them represents your own earth-shattering faith in the opposite direction! It's a mutual idolization! You're loving "like them." It's a faith that spurs you to do better in return!

But better than what? That's where the verse comes in:

I always thought I might be bad

Now I'm sure that it's true

'Cause I think you're so good

And I'm nothing like you

Comparison is the thief of joy, and unfortunately you've compared yourself to them and found you don't measure up. You're using your faith in them for your own self-deprecation. But, this is tempered by the next lines.

I just adore you

I wish that I knew

What makes you think I'm so special

The last one is a conflict resolving line. It reveals that this painful, comparison-based self-hatred isn't just something you're doing, but something they could be doing as well, as it highlights that the faith is mutual. That although you think they're special, they think you are, too!

And therefore that—since you're so alike—that they could also be struggling with the pain of thinking they're not enough. It's this mutual aspect that makes this song sing, why it works so well to connect basically all the characters of the show in any combination.

This is further supported by the next refrain:

I would do about anything

I would even learn how to love

When I see the way you look

Shaken by how long it took

I could even learn how to love like you

The fact that the "Love like you" refrain follows this "mutual" revelation then implies that loving IS truly "seeing" them by seeing yourself in them, and the way this relationship/self-hatred/revelation is mirrored on this other side.

You're both shaken by how long this took!

Love like you

Love me like you

And this line is the natural end of this line of thought. You can't learn to love without loving yourself first, but being loved and loving in return can teach you how to love yourself. You can learn how to love yourself by following their lead.

But also-- in this song, to love someone else means you see yourself in them—and therefore you learn to love the part of you that's in them.

Comparative Analysis

Mitski's "nobody better than you" and "took me a while 'till I knew" and Sugar's "nothing like you" and "love like you" are repeated throughout the song as symbols of their object of envy.

They're better than you because of their faith in you, in contrast to your own disappointment in yourself. To reach their level, you have to learn to have faith, either in them (Mitski) or yourself (Rebecca Sugar).

There are slight differences. While in Sugar's version, their faith in you helps you respect yourself, Mitski's is about learning to reciprocate her lover's faith to restore her faith in herself, as she's starting the song from a place of unfaithfulness and regret. Her self-hatred is less self-destructive and more a motivator to improve. In Sugar's song, the threat of disappointment/unfaithfulness looms in the background, but the singer didn't actually disappoint. Or if they did, their 'idol' is strong enough to still have faith in them, in spite of that.

In the end, it's a healing of envy, of the sin of comparing yourself to others. Because the answer isn't taking them down, or stewing in your own self-hatred, it's learning to accept yourself where you're at.

Whether it's by embracing your flaws and improving, or loving the part of you that you see in them.