#i just wish I can read other people's dumb ways to nephew/niece reveals

[s2pdoktopus]

Different ways Wei Wuxian can find out that his shidi is in fact a husband, a father or both (because gods It would be so funny)

Situation A.

Wei Wuxian visits Jin Ling who refused an invitation to night hunt. He thought his nephew was overworking himself and needed a break. A break that Wei Wuxian will harass Jin Ling into taking. It's his specialty and he had a lot of practice with Jiang Cheng.

When he arrived, he found Jin Ling distressed. Apparently a child he was babysitting decided onesidedly that they are playing hide-and-seek then disappeared. The Koi tower is filled with metaphorical snakes who might do harm to this child. Fairy, as it happened, was currently with Jiang Cheng who is in the Jin sect territory to handle a yao in Jin Ling's request because only Zidian can deal with this particular monster and Fairy can help him track it.

Wei Wuxian has questions about this scenario;

1. Why is the sect leader of Lanling Jin on baby sitting duty?

2. Why would anyone harm this child?

3. Who is this child?

Jin Ling is in baby sitting duty because Jiang Cheng brought the child with him to Lanling specifically to make Jin Ling not join the night hunt. It's very manipulative of him and very effective. And now there's a missing guest from Yunmeng Jiang that Jin Ling has to find.

Wei Wuxian promises Jin Ling that they will find this kid before Jiang Cheng arrives to break his legs.

So they go separate ways to find this child, they search the koi tower up and down for any glimpse of purple hiding in the corners.

It is Wei Wuxian who found the kid. Apparently the child has been moving from their hiding spots every time Jin Ling is near. The only reason Wei Wuxian found them is because he is very clearly not a Jin and the kid thought he wouldn't report to Jin Ling. "It's cheating to ask his disciples to help him find me." The kid sulked, "But I had practice! None of my shijie and shixiong ever finds me in lotus pier." The kid boasts.

Wei Wuxian asks, "And your parents don't worry when you disappear for long periods of time like this?"

The kid grins, "No. A-Die let's me hide under his table and he tells everyone I wasn't there! He makes me study though. It's boring."

Before Wei Wuxian can ask further questions, Jiang Cheng's voice echoes in the golden tower, "Jiang Rui! You come out right now or I will break your legs."

Instead of fearing the threats of broken legs and looking apologetic, the kid brightens up, "A-Die is back!" Then, before Wei Wuxian's brain can process the words the kid is gone.

Situation B.

Wei Wuxian infiltrated a group of demonic cultivators. There were a good number of them and he wanted to see what exactly they were planning to do together. They plan on taking revenge on the Sect Leader of Yunmeng Jiang, apparently. They were once greater in number and Jiang Cheng had raided their main base. Now all that's left are them and they want revenge.

Now, Wei Wuxian does not approve of them planning to kill his shidi whom he almost died for but he also thought, of course Jiang Cheng made so many enemies they banded together just to be his haters club.

They have a plan on how to torment Jiang Cheng. And apparently, it involves hurting someone precious to him. Not Jin Ling, no. They don't want to anger both the Jiang sect and the Jin sect, not to mention, Jin Ling is already a full-fledged cultivator who can defend himself. They will hurt Jiang Cheng's child instead.

Whatever other plans the demonic cultivators divulged did not enter Wei Wuxian's brain after that reveal. Jiang Cheng has a child Wei Wuxian didn't know about. He has so many questions. How old is the child? What's their name? When's their birthday? Jiang Cheng has a wife? Who? Who managed to meet the impossible standard and why did Wei Wuxian not know of her? Are there more baby nieces or nephews Wei Wuxian is unaware of? Why wasn't he informed? Is Wei Wuxian even allowed to see them? These questions can be answered later because first he has a Jiang Cheng hater's club to disband, disfigure, dismember and disembowel. They don't get to hurt his shidi's children. No one gets to hurt Wei Wuxian's not-family.

(Wei Wuxian receives an invite to the Jiang heir's birthday party, an invitation written by Jiang Cheng himself demanding that Wei Wuxian gift his child something good to make up for all the birthdays he missed. Torturing those shidi haters was worth it.)

Situation C.

It's been a good few years since Wei Wuxian came back from the dead. Today feels like a deja vu of the day he returned. Currently he is trapped in an immortal binding net, the baby Lans who are not so baby anymore are trapped, too. He was calling for Lan Zhan when a Yunmeng Jiang disciple came to them.

"Oh good, Young master, if you would so kindly free us, my husband wouldn't have to destroy your nets." Wei Wuxian says. Again, he thinks.

The Jiang disciple, instead of doing as asked, cheered. the disciple fired a flare and in no time at all, Jiang Cheng arrived. he scans the surroundings, scowls at his trapped ex brother then levels the disciple with a glare. "There better be an explanation for that flare, brat."

The disciple grins, "I caught the Yiling Patriarch, A-Die. You ought to sing my praises for this achievement." The kid cheekily says, as they avoid Jiang Cheng's grabby hands, leaping and then running away.

Silence enveloped them as the kid's laugh faded.

"You have a kid?!"

"Let's get you out of that net."

"No! Don't change the subject! you have to explain the kid first!"

"Right, you're married to a man so you don't know. Wei Wuxian, when a man and a woman love each other very much-"

"That's not what I mean and you know it!"

(There's 400 nets. Again. because this is Jiang Cheng and it's for his kid. Jin Ling donated another 100 nets for his cousin to use. There were 500 nets in that forest that night. Thankfully, none of them were destroyed. The little Jiang heir came back to his father bearing a ghost general who is also trapped in a net. Jiang Cheng chased him all the way back to lotus pier, the Jiang disciples put the nets away before following their masters.)

Situation D.

Wei Wuxian doesn't know why but Lan Qiren asked for him. There's probably a rule he broke but he breaks them enough times that he doesn't know which rule warranted the summon. What Lan Qiren does is not scold him but ask, what is the best gift one could give to the heir of the Jiang sect?

The Jiang heir is turning 100 days old soon and Lan Qiren would very much like to give the child the best gift from the Lan. There's probably some political reasoning to this gift giving competition. Something along the lines of the child being a bundle of joy for simply possessing the blood of the Jiang, like a ray of hope after the reveal of decades old betrayals. Something about looking good by giving a baby a simple gift.

To Wei Wuxian it feels like ice water dumped onto him. He severed their ties but he didn't think of how it changes their relationship, how that change will manifest itself.

Jin Zixuan had graciously invited Wei Wuxian to Jin Ling's 100 day celebration. Jiang Cheng didn't even tell him that his child was born.

(some angst for funsies)

Situation E.

Wei Wuxian is drawn to go back to Yunmeng. There are waves of rumors saying the name, "the Twin Prides of Yunmeng." He has to see. He has to know: who did Jiang Cheng replace him with? Are they worthy of the name? (How could Jiang Cheng use that name for himself and Wei Wuxian's replacement?)

On his way, he found two Jiang cultivators night hunting close to home. He accompanied them, found himself praising them for their team work and coordination, and watched them be thanked by the town's people. "The Twin Prides of Yunmeng Jiang", they call the kids. Jiang Cheng is there, too, shoulders stiff ever since he saw Wei Wuxian. The town's head says, "you must be very proud of your children, sect leader Jiang."

Jiang Cheng, "they're immature and still have a long way to go." But he ruffles their heads and orders them to hurry home and make themselves presentable.

Completely independent from Wei Wuxian's promise, Yunmeng Jiang finds themselves with new twin prides. Siblings. Twins. The new blood of the Jiang clan, Jiang Cheng's children. Looking at them feels like looking back at himself and Jiang Cheng of the past.

Situation F.

Wei Wuxian is with the kids night hunting. Him and Lan Wangji are still traveling. They just happened upon the juniors and decided to join the night hunt. One mystery leads to another but surprise of surprises, Jin Ling bows out of the hunt. The juniors are confused, Jin Ling? Refusing an excuse to get away from sect business?? Annoyed by the exaggerated mock surprise of Jingyi, Jin Ling says that there's an important business in Yunmeng he has to deal with. Ouyang Zizhen then reminds everyone that sect leader jiang's child is turning 2 in a few days. Jin Ling adds that he has to give his baby cousin the bestest gift. He'll be in Lotus pier a few days before the celebration. No one is surprised about this supposed child of Jiang Cheng. "Oh, yes, the Jiang heir. Please tell them that the Lan said happy birthday."

Wei Wuxian: "Why did no one ever bother to tell me??"

Jin Ling: "You should have figured it out yourself, aren't you jiujiu's brother?"

Situation G.

Situation H.

Nie Huaisang: Wei-xiong, I'm so sorry I couldn't come see you immediately, I was entertaining my little niece, she wouldn't let me go unless I taught her how to paint flowers. You know how kids are!

Wei Wuxian: I'm only here to ask about this spirit-

Nie Huaisang: Yes, of course. Follow me, I'll try my best to help. Thank you so much Wei-xiong, for handling this problem.

Wei Wuxian: I... Didn't know that your brother had a daughter.

Nie Huaisang: Oh! She's not Da-ge's! She's Jiang-xiong's actually! It's a miracle he's even letting her come visit.

Wei Wuxian: Jiang Cheng's what?! Since when??! And why are you her uncle?!

Nie Huaisang: Jiang-xiong's Xiao An is turning 8 this spring so I guess Jiang-xiong has been a father for 7 years? Though I guess we can argue that he's been one for far longer? Ah, I don't know if that's really the case! Xiao An calls me uncle so that makes her my niece, no? Honorary uncle! At least she has the eye for art! I'm gifting her a bird for her upcoming birthday. Do you think Jiang-xiong will be all right with that? Wei-xiong? Wei-xiong?

Wei Wuxian will start fishing information about this newly found niece from Jin Ling. Tell him everything! It's important. There's an uncle-lympics happening and Wei Wuxian is losing on the top one spot on both the Jin Ling fave uncle race and the Jiang An fave uncle race! (According to him, he's only losing because both his competitors had a headstart)

Situation I.

It's the Gusu lectures and the Jiang's are attending. It's the shidis of Wei Wuxian's former sect! He tries his best to get to know them with various levels of success but one shidi is stubbornly avoiding him. This to Wei Wuxian is just an invitation for extra attention. He will soften this one shidi's heart out! He tells Lan Sizhui and Lan Jingyi, "Haha! He's just like Jiang Cheng!" and the two looked at each other with worry (Lan Sizhui) and disbelief (Lan Jingyi) and they told him "Senior Wei, that young master is Sect Leader Jiang's son."

Ah. Suddenly it makes sense why he looks so much like Jiang Cheng. Wei Wuxian has many many emotions about this. Mostly various kinds of sadness. But look at the bright side! Jiang Cheng's kid is in Wei Wuxian's new home! He can get to know his nephew without Jiang Cheng glaring at him to stay away (Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan! I'm an uncle of two! Can you believe it? Jiang Cheng managed to find a wife. You have to tell me everything you know, Lan Zhan!)

It's a hard battle to get to know his other nephew. But he'll find out that it's easier when he's talking about his time in Lotus Pier. The kid doesn't like him clearly but he likes hearing about his dad's youth. The kid is also easily offended on his dad's behalf and jumps at every opportunity to fact check Wei Wuxian. Obviously, it's a double edged sword to get the kid's attention by insulting his dad (Wei Wuxian always does it with or without meaning to)

Wei Wuxian will learn that the kid is hellbent of fact checking him because the kid doesn't like the rumors about his father. The kid doesn't have friends outside of the Yunmeng disciples because he doesn't want to be friends with people who lobby insults at his father.

- Actually. Jiang Cheng had to go to cloud recesses. Apologize to Lan Zhan and talk to his kid in private after the kid insulted Lan Zhan. Wei Wuxian still wants to get to know the hellion so he convinced Lan Zhan to let him stay. The little Jiang heir seemed to still want to fact check everyone so he also chose to stay when given the option. And Wei Wuxian decided that, actually, maybe letting the hellion champion his dad will get him somewhere with the kid. Where? Somewhere close to the uncle zone hopefully.

It's a wrong decision because every time the kid blabs about how awesome a Yunmeng Jiang led by his dad is actually, Wei Wuxian just misses his old home more and more. He just missed Jiang Cheng more and more.

Now, a happy ending will be him being liked enough by the Jiang heir that he gets an invitation.

The devastating ending is if (following the meta that Wei Wuxian ascribed Jiang Cheng to be just plain awful ™ to justify not wanting to face him and the consequences of his actions) Wei Wuxian, after gaining some trust of the Jiang heir, says something to refute the boy's "my dad is awesome" speech. The boy clamps his mouth, glares at Wei Wuxian and says, "oh you are just like them." And then leaves the... I dunno? The campfire, roasting fishes and the group of the disciples from various sects who would rather eat with the Yiling laozu than to eat the Lan clan's food. He doesn't see the little Jiang heir until Jiang Cheng came to pick his son up. To add salt to the wound Jiang Cheng whisper shouted to him, "what did you do this time?" It sounds like he is blaming Wei Wuxian for his son choosing to drop the Lan lectures. In reality Jiang Cheng knew Wei Wuxian would try to get to know his son. He knew his son would like Wei Wuxian, everyone does. Even Jiang Cheng does. He is asking what Wei Wuxian did to screw it up.

[artificialqueens]

surprise, surprise (branjie) - evan

In which Brooke and Vanessa spend Easter together.

AN: AN: Guess who’s back in the queue!! It’s been impossible for me to write recently, but this disgustingly sweet one shot started pouring out of me this weekend and I figured it was worth it to go ahead and post it. By the time it’s out there it’ll probably be debunked irl, but here’s the softest thing I’ve ever written, and I hope you like it!

1.8k. Find me @formercongressman.

—–

Brooke kisses Vanessa at the LA airport at nine in the morning in front of a crowd of strangers in their Easter best and she’s never felt more right.

It’s a movie-quality, sweep-her-off-her-feet, slow-motion music-swells kiss. Brooke hears an old woman behind them say, “oh, that’s sweet,” and then nothing else because she’s so focused on Vanessa’s mouth on hers again, the warm and sweet and familiar pressure that she thinks about all the time. No memory compares to the real deal.

When they pull apart, Brooke is smiling so wide that her eyes are barely open. Vanessa is this gorgeous and giddy ball of energy and light. She wraps her arms tightly around Brooke’s waist, holding her as close as she physically can.

“I missed you,” Brooke murmurs into Vanessa’s hat.

“I missed you, too.”

It’s been far too long. They haven’t been in the same place since that night Brooke and Nina had come to Vanessa’s show in New York and Vanessa had smiled into that measly filmed kiss that Brooke had since watched over and over. It’s nice to have a memento. And they Facetime whenever it’s possible, but their schedules keep them busy and it’s always a struggle to find a shared break of time. It’s never enough. There’s just something indescribably better about having Vanessa close, being able to feel her heartbeat and smell her excessive cologne, that makes Brooke want to barricade herself in a room with Vanessa and never leave. They can’t, not for months and months, but she’ll take whatever short visits she can get.

They can’t keep their hands off of each other. They know they’re making a scene at baggage claim, Brooke wrapping her entire frame around Vanessa, distracting her as she tries to spot her bag. She’s never been less concerned about what other people are thinking. She and Vanessa are finally, finally in the same place and damn it, they’re going to soak up every minute.

Brooke calls an Uber and rolls her eyes as Vanessa insists on carrying her own heavy bags.  Their driver is surprisingly unobtrusive, eyes forward the whole time as Vanessa presses five, ten, twenty kisses into Brooke’s jaw.

The driver pulls off of the interstate and Vanessa notices.

“Wait, this ain’t the way to my apartment.”

“Oh, I thought we could go to my hotel room first? It’s, uh, it’s a bit closer to the airport?”

“You’re that hungry for it?” Vanessa’s eyes are bright as she laughs into Brooke’s shoulder. “Alright baby, you know I can’t say no to that.”

Brooke smiles and pulls Vanessa closer, but she feels a twinge in the muscles in her shoulders. She’s got a surprise planned and her anxiety piques as she thinks about the short two days they have together before Vanessa leaves for Europe, and the pressure for everything to go perfectly, just according to plan.

For once, LA traffic isn’t miserable. It’s Easter Sunday, and people are at church or sleeping in or going to potlucks with their families. They get to Brooke’s hotel in what must be record time.

In the otherwise-empty elevator, Vanessa tightens her fist in Brooke’s t-shirt and drags her down to her level to meet her in a firey kiss. She rolls Brooke’s bottom lip between her teeth and Brooke can’t help but let out a small sound. It’s everything Brooke can do not to forget about the surprise completely and fall as quickly into bed with Vanessa as possible.

Brooke struggles to fish her room card out of her wallet while Vanessa is trying to hold both of her hands at once. Just as soon as the door clicks closed behind them, Vanessa has Brooke pressed against the door, lips and hands in places Brooke hasn’t felt them in over a month, and she’s almost completely swept away in the sensation of being finally, finally alone together.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Brooke says. She detaches herself from Vanessa with a smile, but Vanessa is actually pouting like a little kid, and it’s the hardest thing in the world for Brooke to not give her everything she wants immediately. “I’ve got a surprise for you.”

“This better be good.”

“Come here.” Brooke leads Vanessa into the room, and grabs a pink plastic egg off of the hotel TV stand. She pops it open, revealing the small Cadbury eggs inside. “Since it’s Easter morning, I thought maybe we could be a little bit traditional, and do an Easter egg hunt?” Her heart flutters a little bit, nervous, worried Vanessa is going to think this is dumb, or childish,

“You made me… an Easter egg hunt?” Vanessa asks.

“Yeah, I do it with my family and my little nieces and nephews every year, and it’s always really fun, but I’m not with my family this year and I thought maybe you might want to, um, do a family thing with me?”

Brooke pauses, holds her breath, tries to read Vanessa’s face. A family thing. She knows it’s a risk, knows it’s a step, and hopes with every fiber of her being that Vanessa is on the same page.  Vanessa’s mouth is hanging open in a little “o” and Brooke can tell that her mind is racing and she wishes, as she frequently does, that she could read what was going on in there.

Brooke starts again, “And if you don’t like it you totally don’t have to do it–”

“Baby.” Vanessa breaks into a wide smile and stands on her tiptoes to cut Brooke off with a kiss. “This is the cutest shit I’ve ever seen.”

“You like it?”

“Yes, bitch, I love it. And I love you.”

“I love you.” Brooke wraps her arms tightly around Vanessa’s shoulders, trying to drink up every second of the moment. “So much.”

Vanessa grabs a piece of chocolate out of the Easter egg in Brooke’s hand and tosses it in her mouth. “When did you even get up to do this?”

“At like seven this morning–”

“Oh! Found one!” Vanessa immediately spots a bright green egg tucked behind the window curtain, and then she’s off, digging through every nook and cranny of the admittedly small room.

Soon there’s a pile of plastic easter egg shells on the hotel bed, candy emptied out into a paper coffee cup, as Vanessa moves in a flurry around the room to find all the eggs that Brooke has hidden. Brooke watches from a perch on the hotel bed, smiling as Vanessa struggles to reach one egg she hid on the top edge of the hotel picture frame.

“You did this one on purpose, didn’t you?” She’s on her tiptoes, the egg just beyond the reach of her fingertips.

“Maybe.” Brooke reaches far over Vanessa’s head to retrieve the egg out of her reach.

“Is that all of ‘em?” Vanessa asks.

“There’s still one left.” Brooke nestles back down on the bed.

“I give up, gimme a hint. Hot or cold?” Vanessa asked as she started moving toward the bathroom.

“Colder.”

She pauses, then turns back toward Brooke.

“Warmer.”

Vanessa starts taking painfully slow steps directly toward Brooke, who is chuckling every time she has to say “warmer” again before Vanessa will take a step closer. Then Vanessa is frustratingly close, bringing her lips to just barely hover over Brooke’s, and Brooke is ready to throw the whole game and pull Vanessa down into the bed with her.

“Hot or cold?” Vanessa barely breathes.

Brooke controls herself, presses the tiniest peck to Vanessa’s lips, and smiles mischievously. “Well, it’s not inside my mouth, obviously.”

Frustrated, Vanessa rolls her eyes and falls back onto the pillow on the other side of the bed with a sigh.

“Warmer,” Brooke said softly.

Vanessa looks up at her with narrowed eyes, but then begins feeling around on her side of the bed. It doesn’t take her long to find the teal egg under the pillow that Brooke had banked on her saving for last. Vanessa holds it up triumphantly. “Alright, do I win my prize now?”

“Open it.”

There’s no candy in this one. Instead, Vanessa finds two rolled up pieces of paper. Her forehead creases as she looks over at Brooke with a question in her eyes as she unravels them.

“It’s plane tickets,” Brooke explains. “They’re for two weeks in early December, after we’re done with all the touring and we’ve got a long break and we can just kind of… go away together. No gigs, no drag, just us. And it’s for Cape Town, it’s one of the most beautiful places in the world and I want to share it with you and…” Brooke stops. She realizes she’s rambling again. “I know that it’s a lot.” she says simply. “But I kind of want a lot with you.

It’s a moment like this that they couldn’t have shared over Facetime. Vanessa curls herself tightly against Brooke’s side, nesting her head perfectly into Brooke’s shoulder. Brooke can feel her smiling, feel the warmth of her small body against her own, and she wants to bottle this moment and take it with her everywhere she goes. This is her Vanessa, the kind that stayed hidden from the cameras for the most part, the impossibly soft and gentle core underneath her vibrant exterior.

“I want a lot with you too,” Vanessa says so softly against Brooke’s neck that she almost can’t make it out. “Thank you, baby.”

Brooke feels the same kind of twist in her gut that she felt the felt the first time Vanessa had whispered “I love you,” to her in that hazy midafternoon sunlight in Nashville. Now, Brooke is hit with these sudden flashes of a future, of laying on a beach in Cape Town, making breakfast in Vanessa’s apartment, and next Easter watching Vanessa trying to outmuscle Brooke’s hockey-playing teenage cousins as they fight over who found the last Easter egg.

They stay in that warm moment for as long as it will hold, until Vanessa presses a quick, soft kiss to Brooke’s lips. “Now, please tell me you have some kind of sexy bunny shit planned too, because I still have needs.” Brooke feels Vanessa’s fingers at the bottom edge of her shirt.

Brooke gleams and traces her thumb across Vanessa’s cheek. “Hm, what do you think about something along the lines of a sexy resurrection, ‘he is risen’ kind of thing?”

Vanessa goes stone-faced. “I swear I will go and get right back on that plane to West fucking Virginia before I–”

But then Brooke rolls on top of her, kisses her deeply, slots her body perfectly against Vanessa’s, and all the jokes fly out the window. This one is a different kind of movie-quality kiss. Their lips slide together slowly, like they’ve got all the time in the world, because in the grand scheme of things, they do.