#i just wanna make it clear that I don't tolerate people like that and anyone who thinks that way gets their ass blocked straight away | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

frenchmina · 11 months ago

Text

You were good

Hellooo ! I actually don't know if this will reach anyone but anyway, I just had to start somewhere. This is my first ever fanfic work, it's angsty af and not beta-ed, also, english is not my first langage. I've been reading a lot of Joel Miller fanfic recently and wanted to try my hand at it, I had not planned it to be this sad but I still wanted to post it. We'll see what happens !

Pairing : Jackson era Joel Miller x gender neutral!reader

WC : 1.4k

Warnings : angst, so much angst, allusion to mental instability.

Summary : You and Joel have a lot in common, which is what drew you to one another but also what dooms the relationship.

You see so much of yourself in him. The way he never truly meets someone’s eyes unless it’s with rage, the way he flexes his hand at his side to calm his heart. It actually helped you understand, to see someone walking around with the same weight on their shoulders. As much of an out-of-body experience as you would be able to get in this life, you thought. It helped you figure out where your anger laid.

It was right there, just below your ribcage, below your heart, this fire that felt like a stone. You didn’t even know how it got there or why. It was so clear for him, so understandable. Everyone knew why he was violent, everyone tolerated it. He could expose his rage to the world, but you couldn’t. Didn’t have a valid reason. Nothing had happened to you that was out of the ordinary. Sure, you had lost people, you had had to go through violent situations and had smelled your fair share of blood. But all in all, you were lucky. And so you dug a grave for your rage. You dug it in hard ground, so that no one would stumble upon it. Hands scorched, sweat following the path your tears had made down your face, mouth full of spit, your whole body working tirelessly towards burying that screaming and sickly monster that was your anger. No one would know, no one could know, how inherently angry and spiteful your were.

You had done a great job, although for everyone in Jackson, something about you was off. It didn’t disrupt your relationship with people, didn’t make you an outcast, you were even kind of useful to the community. But no one felt truly safe around you. The fear you felt when someone was getting closer did not help. The closer they were, the worst you would be able to hurt them. You didn’t know what would push you over the edge, and so to avoid the fall, you avoided the edge all together.

The moment you met him, him and his rage so openly walking beside each other, it was like the tiny monster you had buried suddenly appeared out of the corner of your eye, covered in mud and moss, whining to be let loose. And for the first time since you were 12, you actually looked at it. Watching Joel Miller was like watching a mirror in which that tiny monster held your hand, finally included.

As a moth to a flame, you had kept looking. And as you kept looking, you started to care for your monster, to allow it to exist. You watched its eyes so similar to yours, its teeth that could cut through metal, its annoying whimpers slowly turning into words. It had no reason to be here, to be alive, to be yours, but for the first time you stopped pretending it wasn’t there. It felt like nothing before. It felt like freedom.

You swallow back the lump in your throat as you come back to the present. You see so much of yourself in him, but you also see him, see the hand that sometimes caressed you cheek, which is now clenched on the table.

“Is there somethin’ you wanna say ?“ His voice isn’t harsh, as it sometimes is, it’s not cold either, but it doesn’t make it sound less like a goodbye.

“I don’t know.“ You avert your eyes and take a small sharp breath, you try to ignore the tiny monster crying at your side. It doesn’t have words anymore, it just screams at Joel like a child being abandoned. You think about what you truly want to say — there are a million things I still want to say to you, to discuss with you, I never want to not say something to you — but you swallow this clumsy attempt at tenderness. Instead you just look at him. His hazel eyes, the way his brows furrow under your gaze. And at first you don’t feel the tear escaping your eye. He sees it though, catches the reflection of the light on the tiny droplet of salted sadness.

“I…“ he starts, but his head falls, defeated. “I’m sorry.“

You can’t stop a small laugh from coming out of your mouth.

“You never promised me anything Joel. You never made me believe this —“ you gesture between him and you “— was anything other than what it started out to be. I was a commodity, I get that, I’m not mad —“ the monster beside you claws at you skin “— I’m not… I’m not…“

The words seem futile now. You just know he will never hold you again, never kiss the crown of your head again, you’ll never run your hand through his greying curls again, he’ll just go back to being a stranger. It’s not complicated, it’s easy, it’s clean, he’ll just go back to being what he was three months ago. That’s not that hard to do.

You don’t manage to foul yourself. It hurts so much you want to run into a fire, to set all the rage free and destroy everything that is good around you. You start with him, with what felt like the only true connection in your life. You know if you destroy it, and all memory of it, the monster will be fed, it will take over and let you curl yourself in the grave in its place. It will allow you to rest while it gets both of you through life.

“I’m not surprised. It had to happen sooner or later. We’re too alike, you need… good. You need goodness in your life.“ There is so much irony in your voice, but you don’t mean too.

“Don’t talk like that, like you’re not good enough.“

“Clearly I’m not.“ He tries to answer but you cut him. “No ! No, you don’t get to say I’m great and it was simply never in the stars for us when in reality you just never planned on loving me.“

He’s silent for a while, and the admission is worse than anything. Good. Soon there will be nothing tender left for you to reminisce about.

“It’s my fault for depending on you so much, for allowing your presence to soothe me when you didn’t want to be that for me. I’ll get over it don’t worry, I won’t cause you any problem…“

“That ain’t what I’m concerned about, y’ know that I cared…“

You laugh.

“I know you liked it.“

He sighs, and you see the frustration creeping up in his eyes. Maybe if you push further he’ll say something that’ll finally break you completely.

“I know I’m what you needed at that time, that this helped you settle, helped you get your shit under control. I’m glad I could at least do that for you.“ You can’t contain the pained smirk that creeps on your face, you try to pass it as disdain for the whole situation. “… glad I could be of service.“

“Don’t you think you need good in your life too ?“

His eyes have softened, he knows this disdain is only aimed at yourself, he knows it because he’s felt it too. And yes, he hates to admit it, but being with you helped so much with that, you helped him realize he doesn’t want to be this way anymore. And you’re not there yet. He hates that he sees himself in you; a younger, less broken but more desperate version of himself. A version that wants the anger to get out, when he’s just now figuring out he wants to let go of his. He’s seen you become less quiet, more affirmed, he’s felt your monster taking its place at your side. He’s terrified of what he might have unleashed in you, of how similar to him this relationship has made you.

You feel the frontier he just put up between both of you, how he looks at you not as he did, as an equal, but as if he knows better. You know now he doesn’t understand what he is to you. The realization sets in : what he was. And there, in the smallest of movement his face makes, you see it. Pity. Fucking pity. He looks at you like everyone else does, and you’ve never felt so alone.

In a matter of seconds, he has gone back to being a stranger, and that pushes you over the edge.

Your monster suddenly goes quiet. It doesn’t start breathing fire as you thought it would, it doesn’t spew out every hurtful thing that ever crossed you mind. It just stares at you from within. And when you speak, it’s its voice you hear, rough as it speaks for the first time, broke as it might be the last.

“Joel, you were good.“

#joel miller #joel miller tlou #pedro pascal #joel miller fic #joel miller fanfic #the last of us #tlou hbo #tlou fanfiction #tlou fanfic #tlou #joel the last of us #the last of us hbo #angst #i felt like reaping my heart out so here it is

33 notes · View notes

vvintercearig · 3 months ago

Text

yo it's me (again (jay)) back at it again with no self control and my dumbass son doyun! below are the usual links and info and feel free to continue to smash that mf like button for some plotting

STATS - MEMORIES - PLOTS - PINTEREST - PLAYLIST

𝒊. 𝒑𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒆𝒏𝒕 —

doyun popped up around ansong around 25 yrs ago (at least he lived thru the 90s lets gaur). he has no idea what's happening, he's just happy to be here.

he remembers a little about his life, but always drawn to music, beat street seemed like the easy answer when it came time to start working. for years, he was only working the register, stocking the shelves, before eventually working his way up the managerial ladder. he's owned beat street for around ~10 years now.

his first memory unlocked when he was attempting to tidy stuff up around his apartment and was just about to throw the band-aid away without realizing it's significance. it elicited feelings of aloneness and otherness, but also comfort and being loved and taken care of.

he can typically be found at beat street (obv, always working), mirage, the farmer's market, sweet bean, and illusion.

𝒊𝒊. 𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚 —

doyun is a little bit paris hilton-esque. he absolutely acts stupider than he truly is (for the plot) and so he can gauge people and how they are before he decides to let them in. he is also a tactical oversharer, so while a lot of people might know a lot about doyun, it's hard to pin down his core values and personality. he is very flippant about most things outwardly even if he cares deeply. doyun!! is!! a!! fuckboy!! but not in like the toxic sense (he drinks his respect women juice tyvm) he will flirt with anyone willing and able but he is very clear about drawing the no-relationship boundary from the start. he won't lead you on. despite all his flaws, doyun is highly compassionate. it takes him a while to warm up to people fully, but once he does, you're in his circle for life. he is not shy about his affection either, platonic or otherwise. he's clingy, he's needy, he will annoy you, and you need a high tolerance for bullshit and stupidity, but doyun will fight your bullies and kiss your booboos. about the only thing doyun excels at is his encyclopedic knowledge of 80s and 90s music and ball sports. do not ask him to cook, do not ask him to fix something around your house, do not ask him the time of day, he absolutely will fuck it up. he isn't book smart (at all, like did not even graduate high school), but he is incredibly emotionally intelligent. doyun can walk into any room and almost with 100% accuracy read the vibes. tl;dr: he's a big-headed moron with a big fat bleeding heart. he doesn't know a lot and won't try to solve ur problems, but he will throw hands for u and make you laugh when you wanna cry.

𝒊𝒊𝒊. 𝒑𝒍𝒐𝒕 𝒃𝒖𝒏𝒏𝒊𝒆𝒔 —

to preface everything below, i'm v v big on chemistry first. i love plotting, but it doesn't necessarily work if our characters don't have chemistry to begin with. i tend to lead with quick and fast plotting to see what we can get our characters to do and then we can go into more detailed plotting after, but i'm always willing to discuss things regardless!!

regulars and employees at beat street!

people to teach him modern technology (with lots of patience pls he's stupid)

literally anything else honestly i'm down for a lot. he's really social and really easy to get along with.

#ansong:intro #𝒊. 𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒅 — intro #𝒊. 𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒅 — pinned

12 notes · View notes

dangermousie · 3 months ago

Note

would you happen to have thoughts about the acting/casting and/or depth of characterization in rise of ning? i'm watching it and wanna be more into it but fsr most of the cast (besides wanyi and the stepmom) are not very...charismatic? to me 😧 would love a convincing mousie blog on the topic if you have one up your sleeve!

I am a terrible person for this kind of question because (a) I tend to watch most shows for the mains and supportings are less important to me in general and (b) I am not really a person who wants to convince others to like what I like because all my liking means is I enjoy it; others may or may not - I am no arbiter.

This said, while the OTP are the shining stars of the show for me, I do find the rest of the characters interesting (even if a lot of them are not likable - I dare anyone to find Dad likable.) I think it's because they all feel like real people to me - in their good and their petty. Even minor characters like First Aunt - I knooow women like this. Or the Dad - too many men are like that. Or take oldest daughter of First Aunt - so many other narratives would make her evil or besotted stupidly to the end but she is not - she ends up doing the sane thing and moving on from her crush and repaying FL's favor; but they don't become BFFs, they basically a nicely tolerant, which is a realistic thing in families.

And it allows characters both greyness and consistency. Take Lady Qiao. Awful person but loving mother and you really understand how Dad and societal structures pushed her into what she is. Or, even better, grandma - she is very much a grande dame of society, I am sure she was a good wife, but it's clear she is part of all the generational trauma and dad got his tendency to favoritism from her. And I love that she's consistently so - no magic change of heart vis-a-vis ML. It's realistic.

As to non-Luos, the only ones we really see are Ci Sha's sinister sexy marquis and his nephew. I am interested in the former not just for the hotness (tho mmmm) but because I want to know what his deal is, and nephew is interesting enough for a minor character.

(I am leaving actors out of this write up because I think they all do fine jobs, but mainly because unless acting is truly bad, I care about the characters only.)

This said - this is (a) very much a costume take on slice of life or, perhaps better, a cdrama take on something like a Gaskell novel - I love that small but wonderful subgenre but depending on one's taste, it just might not be one's bag (no matter how well a proper harem drama is made, for example, I just don't like them) and (b) this is all my very subjective take - I am a big fan of "clicking." I believe things either click for us or don't, somewhere in the lizard brain; we can then write a long explanation as to why but it really is an attempt to explain after the fact. And this just might be a situation where those characters/narratives just don't click for you. I mean, plenty of people enjoyed Are You the One this year and I felt like it poisoned my puppy - not even 100 essays could ever make me like it because it's so subjective. I could very well go "I get why X likes it" but it would, alas, not make me like it any more than I do now. I am one of probably three people who dislike the main premise of Nirvana in Fire (could write essays on it!) and the fact that everyone else loves it has not changed my mind.

I can perhaps explain (badly) why I think the click happened for me here, but I have no eloquence to make that click happen for anyone else (if I did, mwhahahahahaha I would take over the world and adapt every good danmei out there :P)

#asks #the rise of ning

17 notes · View notes

heliacalxrising · 9 months ago

Text

In light of things happening, I just want to make it clear that I do not tolerate minors anywhere near me, especially in the rpc. I'm turning 29 soon, I don't need some uppity teenager thinking they're above the fucking law.

Look, I get it, puberty is hell, and hormones are racing. Teenagers get horny just like adults -- most of them anyway -- but that doesn't justify putting innocent people in danger just because you wanna get your rocks off. I'm an actual fucking victim of CSA. COCSA if we're going to get really technical, and that shit fucks you up more than you ever realize if you've never suffered such a thing. And I pray to any god in the universe that you have not, it's horrendous.

If you are a minor, DO NOT TOUCH MY BLOG. Not only will I report and block you, but I'll warn my mutuals to report and block you too. This is your one and only warning. I try to be kind, but if you put me or anyone I care about in danger, that kindness is gonna turn into a frying pan smacking you in the skull, Rapunzel style.

#ooc;;#psa;;

15 notes · View notes

theshinazugawaslut · 8 months ago

Note

i hope this isnt rude or anything but how come you get so much interaction? because compared to other blogs youre relatively small, not in a bad way just i dont think youre as popular as i wish you were. as someone who just started their account, your account grew so quickly... from what i can tell it feels like its because youre very welcoming but i wanna know your "recipe"

First of all, do not worry at all, this is not rude whatsoever!

Honestly, I'm very surprised that I became as popular as I did, and I'm genuinely so, so grateful. I don't have a 'recipe' per se but my Wattpad was nowhere near as successful as my ao3 and Tumblr! I'd say this is because of a multitude of reasons:

Like you said, I think you need to make your blog a nice place to be — I avoid hate, negative vibes, or just complaining overall since I believe it unintentionally puts an almost cynical, bleak cloud to be associated with you. I try my best to answer everyone's questions, write their requests though I do try to make sure it's clear that I won't tolerate disrespect to anyone on my blog. I also avoid drama since it irritates me and it feels immature.

Also, you need to be grateful for what you have, it'll help your mindset. A lot of people focus too much on 'reblogs, notes' which I do understand but I find that when you focus on it too much, there's actually a less likely chance of it meeting your high expectations which sets you up for sadness or disappointment. Though I do find that I personally get annoyed by blogs who constantly complain about low interaction but their blogs are either not the most inviting or they're getting so much interactions but still complain; I understand that it can be disheartening but it often makes the people who do interact upset as well.

This is the most important thing I will say: do it for fun. Don't, and I repeat, do not, pressure yourself to shovel out content and do not feel pressure. When I say I plan on writing everyone's requests, there is never any pressure on me since I don't let it, I take it in my own stride and do the best I can when I can. Don't burn yourself out. Take breaks. Reward yourself. Often, I've found that people immediately take pressure on themselves or make it a sin to take a break. For example, when I realised I needed to withdraw from writing for awhile to shift my focus and attentions elsewhere, I simply just did; I interacted as much as I could/wanted to but I never forced myself to sit down and just write when I'd rather do something else.

Now, for the actual content-aspect: keep it diverse! The things I write range from drabbles, one-shots, one-liners, long fics, multiple-chapter fics! If you have a wide array of things on your page, it keeps you active and it gains more followers! I'd also suggest making a masterlist/navigations page!

I hope this helps !!!

#esha answers your questions

10 notes · View notes

hotchs-big-hands · 11 months ago

Text

Just had the most infuriating debate abt abortions on my main blog (this is a side blog technically) and I just wanna make it very clear, even if I won't write abt it.

I am pro-choice. 100%. People should have the right to have an abortion for whatever reason, which is not anyone's business. I don't want ppl who disagree with what should be a literal human right for everyone everywhere, then I want you to fuck off. I don't tolerate that fucking bullshit of "but think of the fetus 🥺" no I won't think of the fetus. They mean nothing to me, but the person who's having to carry it? I care about them more and if they don't want to carry it then they should be allowed to get an abortion.

Ik this is like not at all related to this blog but I'm like rly angry lmfao. Some people are really genuinely fucked in the head if they think a bundle of cells should have more rights than an actual living person.

Anyway that's it. Abortions are healthcare.

#a speaks #abortion is healthcare

11 notes · View notes

blonde-and-cat-suc · 1 year ago

Note

I really wanna start an anti catradora blog since there are so few but idk where to start, can you please give me some tips?

Well! First of, I'm very excited that this side of fandom will be getting another participant, and second of all, I'm very flattered that this question is going to me! I'm always happy to give some support xoxo!

All of my tips are going to be from personal experience both from my time generally engaging with fandom, and running this particular blog.

/ / / /

1 ) Try to be polite.

Yes, you will get people who disagree with you. The very existence of anti-fandom implies that we are not the norm. The majority of our main fandom already disagrees with us. And they might be assholes about it. Don't tolerate rudeness, but also, try not to feed into it, either. Not only is it terrible for mental health as the blogger, but it perpetuates this idea that the blogger in question reacts to negative attention. Which, if you've been on the Internet long enough, you know very well how quickly negativity breeds if it's allowed. Positivity breeds too, so I think it's in anyone's best interest to simply... Not be an asshole. Even if it means being the bigger person for a moment.

2 ) Pick and choose your battles.

"Battles" is a melodramatic way to put it, but I'm only using it because it's a well known saying. Anyway, this part is from the first part. So... the thing about being "the bigger person" is that... it doesn't always happen. I definitely don't let everything go by me without snapping at it sometimes. Well, I just think it's funny. I used to think it was way funnier in the past, too. Sometimes anon hate/fandom takes are really stupid and it's hilarious to share. But if it's not funny, insightful, or you simply don't want to engage... Don't engage.

3 ) Connect!

Anti-fandom is still fandom, and I personally treat it as such! There's still art to enjoy, stories to read, discussions to be shared. Community is not necessary, but when I was first putting out anti-c//a posts it really helped me to know that there were people that like, didn't think I was insane for pointing out things that bothered me! Especially since my choice in writing anti-c//a/crit fics is not an easy medium and well, to be honest, sort of requires that I know someone out there enjoys the fruit of my labor.

Yes, spop antis are limited, but go say 'hi' to the people that are open to engagement! We're mostly pretty friendly, and in my opinion, open-minded.

4 ) You are required to have an "on the nose" blog name.

NO, okay, I'm being totally facetious! Obviously, name the blog whatever you want, I just laugh when I see a new anti blog and it's something like "catra-needs-jail-time" or "catradora-is-dogshit". They're a handful of bloggers like that, if you want more to follow (the two I just named are jokes... As far as I know).

The real advice to be clear that your blog is anti-catradora/critical; or whatever other stances you'll talk about often. Nothing personal if that's not what you want, but make it easily found that you're not open to certain things, or you are open to certain things. I.e. I think that C//a are pretty obviously adopted sisters canon, and that point is very purposefully the first post on my blog (has been for two years), so no one is surprised when I start ranting about sister!c//a in particular.

5 ) It is never, EVER that deep.

Part of anti/crit blogging is that there's salt involved. Ranting, sharing things that frustrate us, being annoyed with canon... But also, it's really not that deep.

If I would have got this question two years before, I would have not added this part. But yeah, no. Part of why I run this blog still is because I know it's simply not that serious... People will steadily find my blog and the others in this community, and they will come around to their own conclusions on their own time. There is no trying to convince someone else on a POV that they simply don't want to see. There is no war against anti fandom and main fandom (though, some will have you believe otherwise).

The bloggers that are still active and open about unpopular opinions in 2023 are not people that stress themselves out or respond to every braindead take, they're not people who get attacked/overwhelmed by stans very often, they're not rude, they're not close-minded-- actually, I would go as far as to say that they're extremely fucking chill about this hobby. Passionate and dedicated, but self aware and self-respecting of mental capital/health.

And so, that'd have to be my last piece of advice.. Chill. It's just not that deep. And if it ever becomes "deep"... take a million steps back, and give yourself that space to recuperate. Your mental state is infinitely more important than an anti-blog, and no one will judge you for taking breaks or anything as you'll need them.

/ / / /

#*exhales* i hope this was coherent and helpful to you #this is all partially me lovingly and tenderly talking to *myself* and wishing I had these tips two years ago #i hope this conveys well #asks / answers #please have fun with it and tag me when/if you start the blog!

14 notes · View notes

mushroom-creacher · 1 year ago

Text

Ok so now that I'm back in my creative mood and also re-hyper fixated on Ghost the band, I thought I'd make some things known before I start putting some of my Ghost content on here because I've observed some things in this fandom that I just do not vibe with

First up, if the rest of my fuckin blog hasn't made this painfully clear I WILL NOT TOLERATE ANY TRANSPHOBIA THIS INCLUDES THE INFANTILIZATION AND FETISHIZATION OF TRANS FOLK

I've seen some people pointing this out in the community I want to quash that shit right fuckin now. I won't put up that at fuckin all. Don't try me.

Second, none of that intrusive privacy-invading bullshit I've seen from twitter bitches. I am a firm believer in "if they say they wanna be anonymous let them be fucking anonymous."

I don't see a lot of this on Tumblr but I'd rather be safe than sorry. Don't be a dick and go harassing performers or ex-performers. there's a fucking reason they wanted to be anonymous and y'all need to respect that. We can't change who's already been unmasked but we gotta respect the privacy of any new Ghouls who come on board.

In general, my rule is, don't be a dickhead. I've been in quite a few fandoms that have gone to shit because of a toxic fanbase and I really don't wanna have to evacuate this one.

I don't say this to harsh the vibe, I'm just now trying to be more active in fandoms and I feel like for me to be able to do that I also have to immediately set boundaries so I don't have to interact with people who would discourage me from interacting with the fandom in general

And for anyone who is like me in these opinions, I hope you enjoy the shit I put out for this, I'm going to a Ritual soon and it's helping me get hyped for this fandom

Peace, Love, and Hail Satan I guess

#the band ghost #ghost band #ghost bc #please don't try n argue with me in the fuckin tags or comments im not dealing with that shit

5 notes · View notes

desudog-gone · 2 years ago

Note

i kind of wanna talk about transid stuff too, but i'm not sure how to deal with like.. some of the moral debates surrounding some transid labels. i'm strongly of the opinion that transage and transspecies are harmless, but i don't want people assuming that because i use those labels, i must also support transrace or transautistic. i know i'll never be able to escape people's assumptions no matter what i do, so i should probably just shrug and do my thing anyways, it's just hard to get over that initial bump, you know? that initial "fuck it"

Under the cut as not to annoy ppl ^^

I think then it's just a matter of being clear all you're comfortable talking about.

Personally I define my connection to transid/transx "incongrence or dysphoria related to the identity in ways outside of gender."

I would urge you to at least not be hateful of people who use or support the labels transabled or transrace, and if you want I can talk to you more about those in dms/priv inbox, but of course, I cant make you accepting, I just ask you not be violently hateful of them.

I understand this though, I don't use the label radqueer because I have mixed feelings on labels outside direct identity like "transopinion"... because factors like opinion are entirely internal, and therefore cannot be incongruous to the external self but I suppose could be to the perception of oneself. Generally I come to terms with the fact I don't understand it, and these people aren't actually hurting anyone, but just because I don't interact with those labels or know how to feel about them doesn't mean a default of hate is the correct path

I don't assume you'll do that, I just want to make it clear that I don't really tolerate that kind of hate if you were to do that as many do - but more so to say I can make myself someone who you can ask about these topics with, because chances are, what you've been told about those 2 labels are not true / bad faith.

I would say just when you get someone talking about a part that makes you uncomfortable... you can just respond you aren't comfortable with that topic or confident in your knowledge of it, etc.

3 notes · View notes

aplaceforthesoul · 2 years ago

Note

Hello :)

When I was 19 I came out to my parents as bi. Four years later I realised I'm probably a lesbian but I don't care too much about the semantics for my parents: they already know I date women so I don't really care. What does bother me is that in these four years they have very much tried to avoid my attraction to women. They only try to set me up with guys and when I mention dates with women they just...ignore it.

I know it's useless but I feel so sad about letting them down (bullshit, I know). They tolerate my attraction to women but everything they do makes it so obvious they want me to get a boyfriend. I just want them to accept me. They hated my first girlfriend to the point of my mom crying over it asking what she did wrong as a parent.

They tolerate it but wish I were straight and I am just so tired of it, I don't know what to do about it.

Thanks I'm advance

Unfortunately for a lot of parents, accepting that their child is anything other than straight is very difficult. I really wish this wasn’t the case, truly. As it is awful for so many young people who come out to their families.

They might never truly come to terms with your attraction to women. It might forever be something that they struggle with - and that sucks. But all you can do is live your truth and ensure your parents know and respect your boundaries.

The sooner you accept who you are, the stronger you will be at dealing with anyone else’s bullshit inability to do the same. Accepting yourself can be such a powerful thing, I promise.

You don’t have to do anything but live your life and invite your parents to either be a part of it or live on the sidelines. This is easier if you no longer live in their household - (and obviously, I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone whose life would be in danger if they came out).

If it were me, I’d sit my parents down and be clear that this is who I am, I am attracted to who I am attracted to, I wanna date who I want to date - and that if they refuse to accept things as they are, they will find themselves with less of a relationship with me than they already have.

You say they ‘tolerate’ it but it doesn’t seem like you truly tolerate yourself? And that’s something you need to work on. The more confident you feel in it, the less you will seek their approval. I know that is hard but as you get older, I promise these things do get easier. Remember that they have the option to respect you and be a part of your life and you are the one that holds the power in that respect.

Best of luck to you friend.

- Bonnie

#advice #lgbt #lgbtqia #lesbian #parents #coming out #Bonnie

3 notes · View notes

just-bible-musings · 5 months ago

Note

*sigh* I get so sick to death of this worldly viewpoint that we manufacture our own thoughts and feelings. WE DON'T. Where do you think your "personal insecurities" came from? You think you just woke up one day and decided, "oh, I'm just gonna think of myself as a piece of crap"? No, you did not. Someone told that to you. And where did they get it from? Someone told it to them. All the way back to Adam and Eve. Satan tempted Eve with the fruit, and guilt seeped in because Adam and Eve knew they disobeyed God. And they continued disobeying God by not ever once saying, "yeah, I screwed up."

Satan has ALWAYS been whispering to us and telling us to sin, and then turning right around and telling us how bad we are because we do.

As for "why did God tolerate it," because He wants to fight the demons for us! It's because He doesn't want us to just "release our emotions" or whatever other worldly, New Agey, psychological bull you wanna try to spit out, like every other Christian out there does these days. It's because we're in a spiritual WAR. He wants to take our demons, rip them out of us, patch us up, clean us up, and wipe away our tears before He sends us back out into the world to do His work. But He can't- or rather, He won't try to- do that as long as we still hold onto them. Because He can do anything, but as long as we keep inviting Satan in, there's no sense in Him wasting His time.

And understand, I'm not saying "the devil made me do it" or any such nonsense. Satan suggests things, but he doesn't MAKE anyone do anything, any more than God does. We ALL have the power to choose, and we are all guilty of sin when we choose wrong. It doesn't matter who came up with the idea, what matters is whether or not we acted on it.

And I will admit: I, myself, am not entirely convinced that I'm not giving Satan too much credit for all my nasty thoughts and feelings. It may be that I am. But not because I'm trying to escape the responsibility of my own sin. My concern is that there's a flip side to this that IS 100% percent unbiblical: if we are capable of manufacturing our own thoughts and feelings, then aren't we capable of manufacturing good ones, as well? And the Bible makes it clear that, NO, we are NOT. I still remember how disgusted I was when my Sunday school teacher walked in one day and said, "You know, I've always thought people are basically good, but I just read in 1 John where it says we're not!" And all I could think was, You've been in ministry for 20+ years, you're the associate pastor, and you're teaching an adult Sunday school class, and you seriously bought into this Satanic worldview that people can be good without God?

(BTW, I didn't go to Sunday school more than a couple times after that.)

Personally, I don't believe in "original thoughts." I don't believe we can make up thoughts in our own minds. Like I said, I know the Bible specifically says that our minds don't create any good thoughts:

Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? Jeremiah 17:9

Maybe it's just that I find it comforting to believe that Satan is giving me all my bad thoughts and that I'm not making them up myself. Maybe I just want to believe that humanity- and I, myself- is just as incapable of being evil on our own as we are of being good on our own. God forgive me if that's all it is.

But I have to wonder, if the mind is capable of creating its own fears and insecurities and negativity, then why did Adam and Eve have NONE of these until Satan told them to sin? Furthermore, the Bible calls Satan "the accuser." If it's not Satan telling us "you're a bad person, you'll never amount to anything, you should have never been born," then why does reciting Bible verses at him work so well? Why does saying "I'm a child of God and I'm forgiven and redeemed by the blood of Jesus" rebuke all those negative thoughts and insecurities and make them flee?

And don't try to answer that question with some psychological bull-oney about "rewiring the circuitry of our brains." Like, yes, that's exactly what happens, but do you even know why? Don't you think it's possible that all the psychological things we witness are nothing but our observing the effects of supernatural warfare on the physical world? Do you think the supernatural does not have an effect on the physical? If you claim to believe that God spoke the universe into existence, why would you not believe that the spiritual warfare going on all around us every second of every day would not have some noticeable, measurable affect on the physical world that we can see and touch?

You know what I think? I think people buy into "psychology" and whatnot because it's comforting. If our insecurities come from our own minds and not from Satan, then that means we're in control. We're totally out of control, but we feel more in control. We don't want to accept the truth of the Bible that we're really never anything more than someone's servant, whether a servant of Satan, or a servant of God. It seems to be easier, for Christians, at least, to say that their good thoughts are from God, than to say that their bad thoughts are from Satan. Like, Christians can accept that "oh, I want to cheat on my wife" is a temptation from Satan. But it's a lot less often that I see Christians say that "oh, I'm a failure" is a thought from Satan. It's always "psychological," "our own insecurities," just like sword said above.

Fear, sinful anger, rage, insecurity- these are all Satanic thoughts and feelings. At least, I firmly believe they are. If you think you can convince me differently, you better come at me with Bible verses to prove it, not some crap you got from a therapist or a self-help book.

Oh, honey. I don't think you understand what "wrestling with God" really amounts to. What do you think drove Jacob to do it? Fear and anger. A lifetime of either cheating or working his butt off trying to get his blessing when everyone and everything around him was determined to keep him from it. And it got him nowhere. Sure, he had 2 wives and 2 concubines, 13 kids (and possibly more daughters that we didn't hear about), and more livestock than you could shake a stick at, but he still didn't have what he felt God had planned for him. Granted, this is because he wasn't truly even trying to follow God until the night of the wrestling match; but the point is that he knew God had better for him and he couldn't understand why he didn't have it. And he was mad. And he was convinced that his own twin brother was gonna kill him the next day, without him ever seeing his promises fulfilled. So God came to him and gave him a chance to fight out all his frustrations and fears and anger.

And where do you think all that comes from? From Satan. He plants fear and anger and temptation in our hearts, and we nurture it and let it grow. It grows out of control and consumes us. The demons that whisper to us "you're a pile of garbage," "you'll never amount to anything," "why are you even alive? why were you even born? why do you exist?", we can't fight them ourselves. If we harbor them inside us, they make us bitter and angry. God wants to remove them from us, but they won't let go so easily. When Jesus exorcised demons out of people, the demons would usually scream and throw the people around and make them tear at their skin and hair as the demons left. No different when you give your demons to God. They come out in fighting, in tears, in all kinds of ways that most people think is blasphemous.

I had a very bad life up until a few years ago, and believe me, you would be shocked to hear some of the things I've said to God in prayer. You'd probably call it sinful and blasphemous. But you wanna know what's happened? In the four years since I left my hellish past life behind, I've finally grown and figured out at least some of who God made me to be.

The sin is not in fighting with God when you give Him your demons. The sin is in harboring them inside yourself in the first place.

Idk. Don't "oh honey" me. It's patronizing. I can follow everything you're saying about Jacob's life, but I lost you when you started talking about demons whispering to people. That stuff isn't literal demons, it's personal insecurities. This all feels very charismatic.

Actually, I lost you a little earlier. Why does Jacob need to fight God? Yes, I realize there must be a reason why that happened, but why does God tolerate it? Surely there must be a greater significance than a mere "emotional release" or he could have just punched a tree or something.

Anyway, you didn't really answer my question of WHY it wasn't a sin, and I'm not convinced you WEREN'T blasphemous.

Are there any non-charismatics who want to explain the story to me

#Bible discussion #spiritual warfare #God #Jesus #Satan #fruit of the spirit #galatians 5:22-23 #jeremiah 17:9 #psychology #and as for jacob #why would you think its a sin to fight with God when you're angry with Him?#doesn't the Bible say 'thou shalt not lie'?#no we shouldn't be angry with God because He's done nothing for us to be angry about #BUT WE ALL ARE AT SOME POINT IN OUR LIVES #that's the whole point of being forgiven #the Bible doesn't call us 'children of wrath' fer nuthin #but we leave that behind when we turn to Jesus #and why do we leave it behind? because we give it to Him #and maybe sometimes it is violent #and maybe it shouldn't be- but it is #because satan is violent #Jesus said satan was 'a murderer from the beginning'#i just think of jacob fighting with God as being the method that God used to rip satan out of him

19 notes · View notes

colorcodedbeanies · 2 years ago

Text

S1E5-"Gray Matter"

"Why is he doing this? What is he, like, 8 years old?" will go down in history as the one time I was rooting for Walt and Skyler's marriage. If they could be bitchy about parties forever I would find a place for them in my heart. Also, a shorter one this time, mostly because a lot of the major themes are going to be coming up a lot more prominently in future episodes and I want to give myself some fresh things to say.

With both Walt and Jesse we get this theme of ego in relationship to class, work, and money. For Walt, this theme is obvious, turning down an unbelievable offer from the Schwartzes just to hold onto some idea of dignity. For Jesse, its smaller, and perhaps even a little more understandable. Admittedly the signspinning job is probably not optimal from a financial perspective. But finances aren't something Jesse cites. At a fundamental level he views the job as beneath him. I'd argue that for both of them this has a lot to do with their vision of what an adult man does. For Walt, a proper adult man doesn't rely on handouts to provide for himself and his family. For Jesse, a proper adult man works an adult job and makes adult money. Both of these characters are reaching desperately for an idea of respect that just isn't available to them.

Vince Gilligan described this episode as the point where the show finally clicked for him, because its the first time Walt is making a concrete choice about his life of crime that can't be argued to be circumstantially forced on him. For me, what's most interesting is how close he was to taking the offer. He hems and haws about personal issues but there seems to be sincere regret in his eyes. Until Elliot mentions health insurance and he realizes he knows about the cancer. This is part of a running theme in this episode: Walt cannot tolerate being thought of as sick. We'll get the tragic backstory reason for this later but I think it's worth noting: this is internalized ableism and it's going to be coming up a LOT in this episode

I wanna be careful here: Walt would be well within his rights to refuse treatment. At the end of the day, it's his own body. I have one relative who's been in treatment for cancer 8 times, and nearly all of them have involved some kind of chemo. It's a miserable process, and if it seems unlikely to extend your life it makes sense that you might not want to go forward. Marie brings up a worthwhile point here, some people don't want to spend their last days being picked at by doctors. I want to be as clear as possible I'm not casting moral judgement on anyone's decisions regarding their treatment and health.

HOWEVER. The objections that Walt raises have a lot of uh. Implications, for anyone dealing with any kind of chronic condition. He speaks with horror of becoming something artificially alive, despairs at the idea of needing to be cared for and cleaned up after. At the top of his concerns is being too sick to work, too sick to do the things he believes a husband and father should be able to. Junior and Hank both say the quiet part loud, Hank by positing that Walt wants to die "like a man" and Junior by rightfully pointing out that everything Walt's describing is his lived experience. It's a point I don't often see brought up. Walt's greatest fear is to live the way his son does. Honestly, one of the things that may have changed his mind is realizing Skyler would wind up needing to care for him anyways as his body deteriorates.

Speaking of Junior, the attempt at buying beer is interesting for this analysis for a couple of reasons. One, on any other night Hank might be the one doing the arresting. Junior explicitly only got off easy because he has a male authority figure to show up for him and talk him out of any trouble. Had he not been that lucky the implication is he would've had more serious consequences. Class, support, and (I'd argue) white privilege got him off that night with a warning

Two, this is tied back to when Hank and Marie thought he might be smoking pot. This time it's undeniable. Junior has been caught seeking out a substance, one that it is illegal for him to have and one with ties to addiction. However, where weed is cause for a scare tactic, Hank doesn't bat an eye at the attempt to get beer. He's more upset that by calling him and not Walt, Junior is subverting the traditional family hierarchy. No one feels the need to scare Junior straight about the dangers of alcoholism. In fact they bounce right back to discussing Walt's potential slip into the life of a junkie, Skyler recounting with horror "He said he liked it!" while DEA agent Hank giggles about how he didn't think he had it in him ("it" being a thing he has sent multiple people to prison for in his career)

Marie for all her problems is the funniest bitch alive

Jesse is making his attempts to grow up here, and when he tries to grow up he starts behaving more like Walt. I don't think I have to say anything else for that fact to be devastating.

#breaking bad #brba #walter white #skyler white #hank schrader #walter white jr #jesse pinkman #analysis tag #long post #brba s1 e5

22 notes · View notes

kpop---scenarios · 4 years ago

Text

Torn Apart (2 Final)

Pairing: Surprise! x Reader

Warning: Smut, Sadness, Angst Maybe? Mean People

Word Count: 5.4k

It had been weeks.

Weeks of sobbing into your pillow, weeks of feeling like things were going to get better, until you found the most insignificant thing that belonged to Chanyeol and you broke down all over again. You missed him. You missed his touch, his warmth, his smile, the way he made you laugh when you were sad. You missed it all. You were broken, and it was all Chanyeol's fault.

Until you scrolled through Instagram, and saw pictures of him with Maya, that bitch. You had never hated anyone in your life until you had met her. You couldn't even begin to fathom what even slightly redeeming qualities Chanyeol saw in her, but apparently there was something to that wench.

You were curled on your couch in the fetal position as you cried at the ending of Strong Girl Bong Soon. You wished you had a love like that. The way An Minhyuk loved Bong Soon was the relationship you wanted, the one you would strive for. He loved her so much and you just wanted to be loved by someone like that.

You groan loudly as your doorbell rings, and then whoever pounds on your door. You didn't want visitors, you didn't care who it was, you wanted to hermit.

"What?" You yelled from the other side of the door.

"Y/N, let me in." You hear from the other side. You recognized the voice immediately.

"Baekhyun, I look like a troll. Kindly leave." You sigh.

"Y/N, if your trolly ass doesn't let me in, I will break down your door." He threatens, which makes you laugh for the first time in days. You both knew he would never be able to do that, and he would likely end up hurting himself.

"Baek, you would break your leg." You say, pulling the door open. On the other side was a sympathetic Baekhyun, who had tissues, ice cream, chocolate and a bag full of movies. You smile at his kindness. "You know I have Netflix right?"

"Shut the fuck up and move, this shit is cold." He barks, moving past you and into your kitchen. "Look, I have all the necessities. We will get you through this. Because I for one, cannot stand the sight of Mayeol and I want to gouge my eyes out, and I need someone to do it with."

"I don't understand how that has anything to do with me." You say, grabbing two spoons.

"Sehun is gone, he's so in love with those two, hes bordering being a psychopath, Jongdae and his wife are just tolerating, Suho, Kai and Kyungsoo are avoiding them like the plague and Minseok and Lay have been MIA, so you're my last hope, Y/N."

"I really don't want to talk about him, Baek." You admit, the hole in your heart somehow feels larger than before.

"That's fine, I'll stop, let's start a movie." He suggests, grabbing a random one out of his bag.

And for the next few hours, that's all you guys did. You watched movies, making comments, laughing and you genuinely had a good time with him. It had been so long since you actually felt happy and you were grateful to Baekhyun for bringing at least a little joy back into your life.

Until he left, and you were alone again. All the feelings came rushing back, except they hurt a little less this time. You didn't miss him quite as much.

The next day, at the same time, your doorbell rang again. You open the door, your eyes puffy and bloodshot and you see Baekhyun standing there again, a new flavor of ice cream in hand, a new kind of chocolate, and a new bag of movies. This time he said nothing to you, instead pushed his way past you and through the door, setting everything down on your living room table as he popped in the movie. You smiled to yourself before turning around to join him, it felt nice to be cared about, and the fact that he was going out of his way to do this for you, and make you feel better. You truly appreciated Baekhyun.

As he sat there and watched the movie, you watched him. The way his eyes lit up at a part of the movie he enjoyed, the face he made when he took a bite of his ice cream, the wrinkle he had in his nose when there was a cheesy scene. You never truly noticed how handsome Baekhyun was until now. His distinct jawline, his large hands, his toned body, you briefly.. very briefly began to wonder how large his..

"No Y/N, no. Do not go there with your existing bestfriend."

You quickly shake off the thought, moving your eyes to the TV screen, trying to focus.

"How are you feeling today?" Baekhyun asks, sliding his phone back into his pants pocket.

"A bit better, I guess." You answer. Before Baekhyun could say anything there was another knock at the door. "That's good." He smiles, standing up. "There are some people who wanna see you." He says, opening the door.

Minseok, Suho and Kyungsoo file through the door, looking at you with pity as they all sit, surrounding you.

"Hiiiii." Suho pouts, protruding his bottom lip. "How are we feeling today?"

"Um, hi." You laugh. "I'm fine."

"Oh good, so we can go." Kyungsoo pipes up, standing up and walking towards the door.

"Sit." Minseok sighs, pointing back at the seat. Kyungsoo rolls his eyes, shuffling back to his spot and flopping down.

"She's fine, Chanyeol is fine, so why are we here? Everyone is fine." He groans.

"Have you seen him? Is he fine?" You hesitantly ask. You weren't even sure if you wanted to know.

"Oh he's more than fine." Kyungsoo groans. "He and Maya are all over each other all the time. It's honestly nauseating. Like I want to be able to eat my sandwich without hearing your girlfriend moan when you kiss her." He gags.

You bite your bottom lip as you slowly nod your head, tears welling in your eyes. These were most definitely details you did not need to hear about your ex and the girl he cheated on you with. All the men whip their heads to look at you, who now had your head hanging low as your shoulders shaked. They all look back at Kyungsoo, with only one speaking up.

"That's it." Baekhyun growls. "Kyungsoo, get out." He spits, pointing to the door.

"What did I do?" Kyungsoo asks, innocently. Baekhyun rolls his eyes, looking at you, softly whimpering into the sleeves of your sweater.

"Out. Now." Baekhyun says, giving him the middle finger before flinching as Kyungsoo stands up, whispering "Don't hurt me."

"Don't listen to him." Minseok sighs. "Kyungsoo has zero social cues, he also could not read a room if his life depended on it."

As Kyungsoo opened the door to leave, in rushed Lay, who looked at the man leaving and just nodded his head, realizing he had probably said something rude and was asked to leave. It wasn't the first time and would not be the last either.

"Y/N." Lay breathes. "How do you feel about tall, muscular men who sing?" He asks.

"I do enjoy them. Why?" You ask.

"I have a friend from the hospital.. I think you two would get along really well. He's in his third year of surgery residency and is looking to date. I may have shown him your picture and he instantly said yes." He tells you.

You look around the room, Suho and Minseok are nodding enthusiastically, while Baekhyun sits with his arms crossed against his chest, and a pouty look on his face.

"What do you think?" You ask Baekhyun. He looks up at you, his face softening immediately.

"I uhh, it's up to you. Yanno, if you're into muscular, tall men.." he mumbles.

"You know what? Sure, yes, I will. Chanyeol and Maya are out there living their best lives while I'm sitting here sulking, mourning a love that clearly didn't mean as much to him. So yes I will go out with him." You announce, perking up already. "When?"

"Tonight." Lay says. "More specifically, an hour."

"I need to get ready." You smile, jumping from your seat to rush to your room. You slowly peak your head around the corner, softly smiling at your friends. "Thank you, you guys. You've all really helped me these last weeks. I greatly appreciate you all." You finish, heading back into your room to quickly throw yourself together.

By the time you were done, you had 15 minutes to spare, and you were damn proud of what you accomplished in the last 45 minutes. You showered and shaved to become a hairless human from the eyelashes down, you managed to get the knots out of your hair and it looked in decent shape, as well as hide the semi-permanent redness of your eyes with a lot of makeup. You almost didn't recognize yourself in the mirror when you looked. You didn't see the heartbroken girl anymore, you saw someone confident, hot and worthy of a great love.

Stepping out into the living room you blush at all the 'oohs and ahhs' from your friends.

Except for Baekhyun.

When you looked at him, his eyes shined and for some reason it made your heartbeat a little faster. You watched his eyes trail up and down your body, seemingly taking in every curve, every inch of you. When he notices you staring, he clears his throat and looks away. "You look prettyish." He mumbles as he walks away, there's a knock at the door. Baekhyun is the one to answer and looks up at the tall man.

"You must be.." he begins, moving out of the way, letting the man walk in.

"Hi." He smiles at you. "I'm Matthew." He says, holding out his hand.

"Hi Matthew." You grin. "Y/N." You finish, introducing yourself.

"It's really nice to meet you. You look phenomenal." He says, holding your hand up to spin you around. You can't help but let out a loud laugh as a blush spreads across your cheeks.

"Thank you." You whisper. "Shall we?"

He waves to Lay and everyone else before taking your arm in his and leading you out the door. You left three excited men behind you and one who felt annoyed but didn't quite know why.

You hadn't laughed so hard until tears rolled down your cheeks and you held your stomach for a very long time. You honestly were surprised at how much you and Matthew had in common. You both enjoyed the same type of music, food, and pastimes. You had yet to meet someone who loved the same authors as you, who enjoyed doing your favorite activities and who genuinely seemed like a great person but here he was, sitting right in front of you at this nice restaurant.

"I have to admit something." Matthew begins. Your stomach drops as you feel like he's going to tell you he's married or has a girlfriend, something that's going to make you lose trust in men, again.

"Go on." You say, forcing a smile before taking a sip of your drink.

"I really like you." He grins. "It's insane, I have never met someone I had so much in common with until tonight."

"I was just thinking the same thing." You laugh, feeling relieved at his confession. You liked Matthew, he seemed as though he would be good for you and treat you right, although you thought that Chanyeol would do the same and look how that turned out.

Beep

Matthew's pager beeps incessantly. He takes it from the waistband of his pants, checking the page and stands up abruptly. "I'm so sorry." He sighs. "I have to go, there was an accident and I'm needed in the OR." He explains.

"Go." You say, waving your hands to emphasize.

"I had a wonderful time Y/N, and I hope I get to see you again." He grins. He places down a few hundred bills on the table before kissing your hand, and with a wink he was off and your heart was pumping fast as red spreads across your cheeks.

Oh boy.

Your blush is still present as you walk through the door of your apartment. You see Baekhyun sitting on your couch with his arms crossed as he watches a show, not even acknowledging your presence.

"Why are you still here?" You ask, tossing your purse on the chair.

"I wanna hear all about Matthew." He mimics, rolling his eyes. "How was your date?"

"It was really nice. We have a lot in common, which is strange. He seems really nice and we get along amazingly. He was paged into surgery so it ended early." You tell him. "So cool."

"Oh wow, surgery huh?" Baekhyun says, nodding his head. "Did I tell you I'm auditioning for a band?" He smiles.

"Are you really?" You ask, a little shocked.

"Maybe." He says, clearing his throat, turning back to the show.

You sit beside him, you dress riding up just a little to expose your thigh. You're focused on the show, barely realizing that Baekhyun has now rested his hand on your bare thigh, his thumb lightly rubbing the same spot.

Why did you feel butterflies? Why was your pussy throbbing? It's probably just friendly, there's no way Baekhyun has feelings for you.

Right?

As the show played on, your eyes became increasingly droopy, feeling the exhaustion and excitement of today finally catching up with you. Your eyes slowly close as you lean your head back onto the couch.

You weren't sure when it happened, but you woke up, what you're assuming is a few hours later with your head on Baekhyun's lap while he gently rubbed your head, running his fingers through your hair. Your body shivered at the gentle sensation and you closed your eyes once again, feeling safe and happy as you dozed off.

When you woke up the next morning, you were laying on the couch, alone with a blanket draped over you. Your eyes searched your apartment and there was no sign of Baekhyun. You had no idea when he had left but a part of you felt a little hurt that he left without saying goodbye to you. You rolled yourself off the couch and shuffled into your room, changing your clothes to something more comfortable.

When you were done you made your way to the kitchen to find food when your front door opened. In walked Baekhyun with a large bag from your favorite food place.

"You didn't." You grin. "It's so far away."

"I did, and it was worth it to see the look on your face." He laughs, setting the bag down on the table.

The two of you sit down, and have breakfast together and chat. You hadn't realized that Baekhyun actually had a lot in common with you as well. You didn't know why the two of you had never talked about these things but you felt like it was a crazy coincidence that two men match with you so well. Although you knew Baekhyun's feelings were strictly platonic, there was no way that he felt anything romantically for you.

"I gotta go to work, but we'll hang out later, if you're up for it?" He asks, throwing his garbage away.

"Of course." You smile. You look in his eyes, his beautiful brown eyes and you just want to melt. You liked Baekhyun, alot. Maybe it was just from how good he's been treating you lately, or maybe the feelings were real, you would never know because you were going to focus on changing your feelings for Baekhyun to feelings for Matthew, someone you knew you actually had a chance with.

Later that day you were doing some work on your computer for the company you work for, luckily you're able to do your work from home, giving you plenty of time to be free during the day for activities. You're brought out of your zone by a text from Matthew, asking you if you wanted to grab a late lunch around 2pm, and immediately your mood changed, and you happily replied that you would love to.

At 1:50pm, you sat at the restaurant, a drink in front of you while you waited for Matthew. Seeing him walk through the door, your heart did a mini dance as he smiled at you, heading towards the table you had already gotten.

"Hey there beautiful." He grins, sitting across from you.

"Hi." You giggle. "How has your day been?"

"Busy and stressful, but that's all been forgotten now that I have you in front of me." He says. You smile widely, burying your head in your hands. He was so sweet, and you didn't know how to react to it. After the two of you order, you're in the middle of a conversation about a movie you had each recently watched, when out of the corner of your eye, you notice someone familiar. You look over and at a table that was too close for your liking sat Baekhyun, Chanyeol and Maya. Your attitude, demeanour and mood completely changed when you noticed them. You could feel the tears welling in your eyes as you looked away. You look at Matthew who instantly looks concerned.

"What's wrong? Did I say something?" He asks, leaning in closely to whisper to you.

"T-that's my ex.. and the girl he chose over me, and his best friend who I'm still friends with." You whisper, nodding your head towards them.

Matthew discreetly looks over and notices the blonde man looking in your direction, pain in his eyes from the moment he saw you.

"Look at me." Matthew whispers. You look up at him, trying to control the tears. "That boy is an idiot for giving you up. You are one in a million. You're smart, funny, beautiful, caring and an all around amazing person to be around. Don't give them anymore of your tears, princess. They don't deserve them, and you don't deserve to cry over them." He smiles.

You sit up, taking a deep breath, smiling at the man across from you, staring at his beautiful smile. You glance over to the table and see Chanyeol staring at you, sadness in his eyes while Maya glares at you and Baekhyun, he stares at you with what seems like a look of anger. He glares in your direction, his face like stone and you had no idea what you did to make him so mad at you.

"Would you like to go somewhere else?" Matthew asks.

You nod your head, knowing you didn't want to be in the same restaurant as Mayeol, it was bad enough to have to be in the same city as them. Matthew grabs the check, escorting you out, his hand hovering over your backside as you walk out, the feeling of eyes watching you burning into your back as you exit the restaurant. You and Matthew stand outside your door, and he smiles at you. "I'm sorry about the date." He sighs.

"It wasn't your fault. If anything I should be sorry." You say.

"You did nothing wrong." He tells you. "I have to get back to the hospital now, but I'll call you." He says, leaning down he presses his lips to yours quickly before pulling away and saying goodbye.

You walk into your apartment, feeling a little confused. That didn't go how you imagined it at all. As you're trying to get out of your sundress, there's a knock at the door before someone walks in. You turn around and see Baekhyun standing there, watching you.

"You looked pretty comfortable and intimate with what's his name." He blurts out, walking towards you. He stands closely behind you, you can feel his breath on your neck as he pulls down the zipper of your dress.

"Yeah well you looked pretty comfortable with fucking Maya and Chanyeol." You retort, trying to storm away from him. Your dress slips off your body, landing on the floor. Baekhyun follows you, reaching out to grab your wrist. He spins you around to face him. He pulls your body closer to his.

"What do you want?" He asks. You don't answer, your lips parted as you try to form a sentence. Baekhyun's eyes drop down to your lips. He licks his lips and sighs. You can feel his breath, so close to you, almost kissing you. "What do you want from me, Y/N?" He asks.

Your heart is practically beating out of your chest. You look into his eyes, one word on the tip of your tongue.

You. Just say it. You want him. Tell him.

But you say nothing.

Baekhyun sighs. "That's what I thought." He says, moving away from you and picking up your dress from the floor. He hands it to you, leaning in to press his lips against your temple. "Call me when you know what you want." He says, walking away from you and out the door.

What did that mean? Did he want you like you wanted him? Why couldn't you have just told him right then and there?

You were scared. You were scared of rejection, you were scared he didn't mean it, maybe his feelings towards you weren't real. But then again, you would never know unless you talked to him.

Later that night you laid in your bed, thinking about Baekhyun. You couldn't sleep, so you grabbed your purse and your keys, drive aimlessly around town. A little while later, you glance at the clock that reads 2am, you park your car and you pull out your phone and call him. You felt like you were going to vomit as the phone rang.

"Hello?" A groggy voice answered.

"You." You whisper through the speaker. "I want you."

"Y/N." He breathes.

"Open the door, Baekhyun." You whisper.

You can hear him get out of bed and stomp towards the front door. He pulls it open and there you are, your phone pressed against your ear, wearing a nightshirt and shorts.

"I want you." You say again, pulling the phone away from your ear.

Baekhyun pulls you inside, slamming the door behind you before pinning you against the front door.

"Fuck it." He groans, crashing his lips against yours, pulling your body in closer to his. His hands roaming your body as he slides his tongue into your mouth. His hands move under your shirt and up your torso, cupping a bare breast. He groans into the kiss as he pinches your hard nipple, rolling it between his fingers. He presses his crotch into your leg, allowing you to feel his hard cock pushing against his boxers.

You reach your hand down, sliding it into his waistband, grabbing his cock and slowly pumping, making his knees buckle.

"Fuck." He murmurs, breaking the kiss. He leans his head into your neck, placing small kisses as you stroke his cock.

Suddenly he stands up straight, pulling your hand from inside his boxers. He grabs your hand and leads you to his bedroom.

"Take off your clothes." He growls.

You maintain eye contact as you slip your shirt off your body, dropping it to the floor and the shimmy off your shorts, letting them pool around your ankles. You stand there naked in front of Baekhyun who takes in every curve and crevasse of your body.

"Get on the bed." He whispers. You move to the bed, slowly climbing on and laying on your back.

"So fucking beautiful." He moans, crawling on top of you. "I just wanna be inside you." He whispers. You nod your head, giving him all the consent he needs.

Baekhyun spits on his hand, pumping his cock. He lifts your legs over his shoulder before lining him up with your entrance. He pushes himself into you, stretching your pussy out, making you cry out loudly.

It had been so long for you, you forgot what it felt like to be fucked. Your hands grip the bed sheets as Baekhyun slides his cock in and out of you slowly.

"How do you want it, baby?" He asks, moving slowly still.

"Faster." You moan. "Fuck me Baekhyun."

His eyes become dark after hearing your words. His hands wrap around your ankles as he starts thrusting harder into you, the sound of skin slapping fills the room.

"Oh god." You cry out, your hands cupping your breasts, pinching your nipples as he pumps his cock into you.

Baekhyun releases one of your legs, placing his thumb between your lips to rub your clit. He rubs in circles, making you clench around him.

"Just like that." You cry out as you buck your hips. You knew you were going to cum soon, you hadn't had an orgasm since Chanyeol left.

"Fuck." Baekhyun groans.

"I'm gonna cum." You scream as he fucks you harder, and continues to rub you.

Your orgasm hits you, making you scream out in pleasure, your eyes rolling to the back of your head as you tighten around Baekhyun once again.

He groans loudly, suddenly cumming, shooting his load inside of you, breathing heavily as he works through his orgasm.

"Holy fuck." He sighs, pulling out of you. He lays next to you, and you snuggle into him, not caring about the mess, just being completely and utterly happy in the moment.

"So.." Baekhyun starts off the next morning, as you lay in his bed, tangled in his sheets. You have one leg and one arm sprawled across him as you snuggle in closer to him. "What about Matthew?" He asks.

"I called him yesterday after you left, and I told him I didn't think things were going to work out, but I would like to remain friends." You explain.

"And he was fine with that?" He asks.

"He asked if there was someone else." You sigh. "I told him I wasn't sure, but I hoped and he wished me luck."

"I didn't like you seeing him." Baekhyun admits. "It hurt but I felt like I couldn't do anything." He says.

"Why?" You ask.

"Because.. Chanyeol is my best friend and you were his." He tells you.

"Chanyeol made his decision, and he chose Maya. I'm free to date whoever I want, and I want you." You whisper.

"Oh baby girl." Baekhyun growls. "You have no idea what you do to me." He whispers, rolling over on top of you, pressing his lips to yours. You wrap your arms around him, pulling him in closer to you, never having felt so wanted or loved.

It has been a few months of you and Baekhyun dating, and you've kept it under wraps for the most part, wanting to stay in your little bubble of happiness. But now your friends were getting suspicious and you felt like it was time to tell them. And what other perfect time to tell them then at a dinner party that everyone is attending.

That night you and Baekhyun had brought a spinach and artichoke dip that you made together and it was the best thing ever. You told Jongdae and his wife the news first, and they were both extremely happy for the both of you.

Next, Minseok, Suho, Kyungsoo, Kai and Lay were told and they were all happy for you two, except Lay who was disappointed that things didn't work with Matthew, but he was happy that you were happy.

You all sat around the dinner table when Chanyeol, Sehun and Maya walked in. Things instantly got tense and quiet the minute they entered the room. They hadn't noticed you yet and you could feel the knots forming in your stomach.

"Hey guys." Chanyeol smiled, looking around the room and then his eyes landed on you and his smile dropped.

"Hi friends." Maya chirps up, not realizing you were there until Sehun pointed it out, quite loudly and rudely.

"Why is she here?" He asks, nodding his head towards you.

"Because she's our friend." Jongdae pipes up, glare at Sehun.

"It's just weird." Maya comments, sitting down at the table. You ball your hands into fists under the table. Baekhyun reaches under the table, grabbing your hand to calm you down, showing you he's there and has your back.

"It's not weird, actually." Baekhyun pipes up. "What's weird is coming to a gathering when you know no one here likes you. That's weird." He says, looking at Maya.

"Baek." Chanyeol sighs. "She's my girlfriend." He says, as if that's a good enough reason.

"Okay." Baekhyun says. "And she's mine." He says, nodding towards you. "So tell your girl to show some respect."

"You're what?" Chanyeol asks, staring at you and Baekhyun, not even acknowledging the fact that Maya is sitting there with her mouth open and offended. "You're dating my ex-girlfriend?"

"I am." Baekhyun says, not caring about Chanyeol's reaction anymore.

"You.. you can't do that." He says.

"And why not?" Baekhyun wonders. "You left her. You chose that over this amazing woman. You have no right to be angry here. You broke her, tore her apart and I'm putting the pieces back together."

"I don't want her here." Maya pouts.

"And no one wants you here." You chime in. You were tired of her and she had only been here for a few minutes.

"Chanyeol." She whines, nudging him but he's still not paying attention to her, only looking at you and Baekhyun.

"So.. what did you guys bring?" Lay asks, nodding towards their dish.

"Buffalo chicken dip." Maya says, with a smile.

You burst out laughing, rolling your eyes. "You mean you're still making the recipe that Chanyeol and I made together?" You ask with a smile on your face.

Maya's smile instantly drops, looking at you with disgust. "Chanyeol." She yells.

"What?" He snaps, turning to look at her.

"Do something." She whines.

"You don't have to do anything, man. We're gonna go. Thanks for having us, Jongdae. It's been interesting." Baekhyun says. He looks at you and holds out his hand. "Ready?" He asks you. You smile at him, taking his hand and walking out, hand in hand with the man who made you the happiest you've been.

A few days later you're in your apartment, singing and dancing as you clean up the place. You no longer missed Chanyeol, his name no longer brought pain to your heart, seeing things that reminded you of him no longer made you cry. You had Baekhyun now, and he treated you like a queen.

You're walking past your front door when you hear a faint knock. You open it slightly and see an exhausted looking Chanyeol standing on the other side.

"Can we talk?" He asks.

You didn't want to hear what he had to say, but you decided to be nice and let him in.

"What?" You ask, sitting on your couch as he stands in front of you.

"I fucked up." He blurts out. "I should have never chosen Maya over you. I didn't realize what I was doing at the time, Y/N, please forgive me. I miss you. I miss us. We were great together." He breathes.

You're shocked. You had spent weeks crying over him, wishing for him to come to you and say these words to you but now it was too late.

"You're a little too late now." You say to him.

"I know you're with Baekhyun, but I had you first." He says.

You scoff at him. "How dare you? How could you come here months after you left me for Maya and beg for me back when I'm finally happy again? It took a long time for me to be okay. Baekhyun has been there for me, he was the one who helped put me back together. You chose Maya. You made your bed." You yell. "Get out Chanyeol."

"Y/N please." He begs.

"No, you need to leave. I don't want you. I don't love you anymore." You tell him.

Chanyeol walks out the door, looking back at you with tears in his eyes. You felt no remorse for him. You had felt the way he was feeling, it was his own fault and you refused to be torn apart by him again. Chanyeol was now your past, and Baekhyun was your future and you couldn't be happier about it.

252 notes · View notes