#i just think these shots together are soooooooooooooooooooooo.............

[trustiskingandqueen]

take me home to your secret, take me home to your wild sanctuary

[somedaypast-thesunset]

Ive been thinking about my dad alot lately but not in the same way. Because of my life circumstances with my mother, by comparison this man was sane. He was stable, consistent, able to communicate complex thoughts and ideas.

But the thing is I've met many men now who are certainly suffering from a mental illness, even just depression, who are capable of exhibiting some of the same behaviors.

And my dad was such a character. Like in some ways it didn't matter how this character came to be because you loved the character itself. My dad was hilarious but he wasn't at the same time. He really influenced my humor in a dark way and kind of normalized it for me to a point that I didn't even know I was coming across like.. Brash in my humor until everyone I've known pointed it out.

And that doesn't make him mentally ill at all. Just his character if you liked it, you loved it and if you didn't you hated it and didn't get it and maybe just humored him for the sake of politeness. And part of the negative quirks of this character or maybe the webbing holding it together was a sort of either personality disorder or variables of mental illness. And it's veryyyyyyy hard for me to see or admit this because to me he was "great" because he wasn't my mom. He was the lesser of two evils and if your choice is poverty from a suitcase or a stable place to live and eat - obviously he's sane enough he maintained this and this is All I ever knew. Period. I thought my life was average. Not the same as "everyone" but the average person maybe experiences a few traumas in their adolescent or childhood or both. Maybe big or small. Maybe both. And my experience is not the worst by any means. I had no sexual trauma. No body trauma. No physical abuse. But these people were just crazy and just sane enough to not be that fucked up. They coped with it enough to protect their child. Mentally ill people can raise children without huge neglects. They're not completely non functioning people. But they didcause harm. Both of them. How did I end up so sick I almost ODd on drugs at 4? My father was not really around most of the time but the honor is that he wasworking to support us but he wasn't as involved as he could've been - it wasn't hard to see what she had done and I know He felt guilt for a very long time because she had nearly killed me and we didn't talk about it. I was just very sick. I somehow had gotten soooooooooooooooooooooo sick doctors didn't "know what was happening" and clearly this traumatized everything for me after that. I remember this hospital stay and I was fucking 4. I remember nothing of like 15 yrs ago but I remember this and being hooked up to an IV for days and days and my mother did not even stay with me the entire time so the nurses were just there and I was getting blood taken and shots given all the time and I remember when they moved me from the one bed to the other the first night and just screaming.

It was on her though. She was responsible for this. She was taking care of it. He had no part until I went home and he was never there with me and her during the day and even in my early teens I was stuck with her and he didn't take my angst about her seriously - well she's your mother. She takes care of you when your sick.

On the weekends when he was around and off work he was drunk and high from Friday night until Sunday afternoon. He worked so he deserved this time you know. He drives 40 hours a week and my mother wants to go places and she doesn't get why he doesn't want to drive anymore he just wants to "have couple drinks" and smoke some weed and listen to music at home and it's OK you know because he's at home with his family and not out at the bar "like back in the day" because he used to be a real fighter in the hotels you know but he's calmed down and he loves his family and I'm his favourite kid (I thought I was his only - I literally replied "I'm your only kid") and hey - I wonder what the poor people are doing. And you know my mother, my mother doesn't clean or do the dishes yet she's home all day on the phone and she didn't pay any bills until she finally got a job but you know she had an attitude and threw the money in his face when he asked her to pay the phone bill and he took her off the joint qccount because you know money was going missing and she never had enough for groceries but you know shealways got a job for Christmas because they always wanted to give me a good Christmas

For 17 years. Over. And over. And over. I sat and listened to this man tell me this speech again and again.and you-know he didn't believe in the doctors his sister Lee is taking 10 pills a day for this and that and she's still chronically sick and you wonder why you know the pills make you sicker than they do any good and the doctors are just in it for money

And he got sick and wrestled with his own moral code - was he really sick. Was diabetes real even. Like he ate this and this and nothing happened right so clearly he knows what's going on much more. Insulin? Fuck insulin.

While my mother contracted and recovered silently from all major ailments and diseases according to her own qccount. She was very sick u know. Very sick. She's got this pain in her right side and today it's in her knee and tomorrow she has bad headaches that lead to a brain tumor and breast cancer and diabetes. She's 47.

I watch her sit and rot in depression for 16 years. Then dieing 3 years later. My mother gave birth to me at 32 which meant she met my father at 22. When she was 48 I didn't comprehend this. All I knew that she was becoming increasingly terrible to be around and really unstable and much of what she said to me in my life has been blocked out because I hated her so much and I was not quiet about it at all. People knew I hated her for good reason. She also wrote letters. Lots and lots of letters that really made me feel like shit and are probably part of the foundation of my lack of self worth. I chose not to really process them but just block it out and move forward but I sometimes regret it because I'd like examples to bring up instead of just saying this person was shit.

I spent way too much money and I'm sad and overwhelmed and anxious. I feel sick and gross. Hungry too. I'm not even excited for him to come home now cuz it feels oddly tarnished. Obligated. I don't know.