#i just think grief and love is large and amorphous and seeps into many different avenues and relationships of your life

[bigevildoeeyes]

rewatching 2x05 and thinking about louis' motivation in saving daniel. daniel who was in deaths embrace before louis intervened, and doesn't that sound familiar? louis does something careless, people get caught in the crossfire, and scrambling for absolution he cant find in himself he insists to his partner this innocent must be saved

depressed, suicidal, spiraling from the guilt and grief of deeply loving claudia yet not in the ways which counted, here is this boy. this boy who should be dead, this boy who is intertwined with louis at his worst and is in some form a reincarnation of the same hope that prompted louis to turn claudia.

drenched in guilt with low resolve to live, here is proof of redemption. in ruins of homes aflame and families dying because of me, here is a girl i can save. in this apartment of dozens dead in my get high, fuck and kill spree, here is a boy i can save.

"She asked if I was an angel! Me!"

"Listen as though I'm the voice of God or an angel, talking to you (...) youre not inconsequential or a junkie. Youre a bright young reporter with a point of view."

i like to think saving daniel was louis first attempt of transforming his love for claudia into something non-destructive after her death. it became guilt, became violence, became hatred but with daniel it returned to the beacon of hope she was originally

so let him live. let me save you without the harm of staying with me. live a long full life unburdened and with the joy and success i wasnt able to give her. 'as long as you walk the earth ill never taste the fire', then she stopped walking the earth, then i did taste the fire, and this is me trying to stay alive. trying to refamiliarize with love using her blueprint