#i just super thought maybe i could stay away from retail with my degree and all

[dockaspbrak]

😵‍💫

[iwillgiveyoumyhappiness]

전웅, Jeon Woong

anonymous asked:

Ooo could I request a Woong scenario where you’re a successful solo artist and you’re Woong’s crush, and he ends up meeting you at an award show and you guys become friends? And maybe after a while he confesses on how much he likes you and it’s just fluff? Thank you so much! I also enjoy your other scenarios and I cant wait for future works!

Group: AB6IX

Member: Woong

(A/N) Listen to this with Winter Bear by V 

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Woong watched you perform with admiration-filled eyes. 

When Donghyun had first posed the idea of going to watch a concert of a newly debuted artist, he wasn’t all too sold on the idea. On his day off, he would’ve rather stayed in bed and relaxed, but he was beyond relieved that Donghyun had convinced him. 

“Since she just debuted,” Donghyun had said, “the tickets are super cheap. If she blows up, they’re never gonna be like this again.” 

Woong furrowed his brows contemplatively. “I don’t know...” he trailed off. “I kinda just wanted to pass out today.” 

He crossed his arms and pouted. “Please?” he asked, puppy-eyes prominent. “It’s late, so you can still laze around all day.” 

Finally, Woong had relented. “Fine!” he groaned. “I’ll go with you.” 

And God, was he glad that he did. 

There was something about the way your voice melded with the instrumentals, the way you were able to easily ad-lib when you felt like it, the stability in your tone as you danced, your ability to entrance the whole crowd with a single pointed glance into the camera. 

Donghyun took a break from cheering to playfully nudge the boy beside him. “This is awesome, right?” he laughed. “Aren’t you glad you came? She’s so cool!” He stared at Woong who sat unmoving, his eyes fixed on your performance. 

“Dude, are you okay?” he chuckled. “You look smitten.” 

Woong nodded slowly, just barely registering what he’d said. “I am,” he said, quieter than the music. 

Donghyun leaned in closer, cupping a hand around his ear. “What?” 

He finally tore his eyes away from the stage. “I am!” he shouted. “I think she’s my ideal type.” 

Woong groggily woke from his dream, blinking at the afternoon sun that seeped in through the curtains of the living room. He sat up on the couch, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. 

He looked around drowsily before sighing. He often dreamed of that memory, trying to recall the retails of that night. He had such a flutter in his chest from the concert and his adrenaline and excitement was so high, it was as if it had never happened at all when his high wore off. 

As time went on, it was harder and harder to recall the exact details, everything feeling like a fuzzy blur. “I feel like I’m suffering from early-onset dementia,” he huffed to himself, falling back on the couch. He just wanted to remember a fun concert.

Was that too much to ask?

He was certain that he understood ABNEWs better now. This was the legendary ‘post-concert-depression’ that he’d heard so much about on Twitter. 

It was absolutely terrible. 

All he could think about was the flashing lights and the screams. It was so hard to remember the words that you had spoken or the expressions that you had made. 

He wanted to remember that experience he had at your concert all those months ago, and he wanted to remember it well, but he was having the hardest time doing it. He’d gotten a headache over it once or twice. 

He kept mulling over the fact that he’d been so close to the stage. He’d probably never get a chance to be that close to your stages ever again, ever since your popularity skyrocketed. 

What started out as your simple debut a few months ago had shot you into a flash of cameras, overseas trips, a sizable fan-base and the fitting title of: ‘Newest Global Monster Rookie’.

As a fan, he was proud of you. But as someone who wanted to see you again, he was sulky, because he felt as if he’d never relive that moment of being so close to your passion for the stage. 

Daehwi sprinted into the room, jumping onto the couch next to him. It almost gave poor Woong a heart-attack, but the youngest member decided to ignore that small fact. “You excited?” he asked, an eager enthusiasm glimmering in his eyes.

“For?” Woong asked, taking a deep breath after his scare, via Lee Daehwi.

The youngest nudged him a little. “For tomorrow,” he clarified. “Award Show appearance? Ringing any bells?” he teased. 

A soft smile grew on his face. “Yeah,” he said while nodding. “I’m really excited for it.” He leaned his head back, closing his eyes and trying to envision what it would be like for AB6IX to receive an award... Would it be beautiful? “I hope we do well,” he said honestly.

Daehwi chuckled. “You know, I would’ve thought you would’ve been a lot more excited about this,” he said, settling into the cushions and pulling out his phone to mess around on. 

Woong crack open an eye. “I am excited,” he assured him. “What’re you talking about?” 

“I mean, you’re crush is gonna be there, so I just thought—”

Woong shot up, making the youngest jump. “She’s gonna be there?” he asked, suddenly short of breath. Daehwi nodded. Suddenly, Woong felt very self-conscious about his appearance. He messed with his bangs, trying to pull them down further. “Should I get a haircut?” he asked.

Daehwi raised an amused brow. “Why?”

He ran his fingers through his hair, trying to judge the layers through touch. “I just mean, I don’t want it to look ratty,” he said. “Should I cut it?” He ran his fingers through it again. He nodded to himself. “Yeah, I should cut it.” 

Daehwi laughed. “Oh my gosh—your hair looks fine!” he cackled. “You care an awful lot about this,” he noted, raising a brow. 

The older member sighed. “Yeah, I guess I do,” he huffed. He rubbed his eyes, as if hoping that would wake him up further. “It’s dumb, right?” 

“Just a little bit.”

Woong nodded slowly, staring up at the ceiling. “Yeah... Yeah, it’s dumb,” he said, mostly trying to convince himself. He chuckled. “It’s a big event. Chances of me even actually seeing her anywhere other than on stage is really unlikely.” 

Daehwi tilted his head, staring at him curiously. “You know, I’ve never seen you like this before,” he mentioned. “Why do you like her so much?” 

He shrugged, honestly trying to figure it out himself. “I don’t know, really,” he said. “With the heart of a fan, I can simply say that she makes me happy and I want to support her, but I don’t know what else to say other than that. I guess I’m just so interested in what she’s like on-stage, I’ve gotten really curious about the off-stage aspects of her, too.” 

“You know,” Daehwi started, “she’s probably not exactly the same off-stage, right?” 

Woong scoffed under his breath. “Are any of us, really?” he asked. “We all change little aspects about ourselves that we think people will find unlikable. It’s just how our minds work.” Without realizing it, a small smile formed on his lips. 

“That’s why I think it’d be cool to know her personally,” he continued. “I’d like to know about the flaws that she tries to cover up, and maybe one day, she’d be able to see that flaws aren’t so bad. They’re just unique.” 

Daehwi started laughing. “You’re so whipped,” he said in English. 

His brows furrowed. “Wait—what’d you say?” he asked. The youngest only laughed harder, doubling over and nearly flying off the couch. “Lee Daehwi, what did you say?!” 

The group stepped out of the car with excited butterflies in their stomachs. They’d enviously looked at those able to walk across the red carpet before, and now they’d be the ones doing it.

It was a memory they’d keep with them for a long time.

Woong touched Woojin’s shoulder. “You gonna be okay?” he asked, referring to his ankle. 

Woojin nodded. “I’ll be fine,” he promised. He frowned. “I wish I could perform, though.” 

He gave him a small smile. “You’re doing enough,” he assured him. “You’re cool just by sitting there.” He scanned the crowd of reporters and paparazzi. It was overwhelming, but in the best way possible. 

It was like the thrill he got on stage; making him gain energy rather than fear. 

The inside was even more intimidating. There were so many people in the audience, all eagerly awaiting the upcoming performances. It was finally settling in for Woong that he would be performing on that stage soon. 

Him and his group. 

Those bright lights, cameras and expectant eyes would all be on them in less than an hour. It was a sensation that made shivers creep down his spine, but it was in an exhilarating way. 

He took a deep shaky breath and gave his pale cheek a light smack. “Let’s do well, okay?” he told himself under his breath while he looked up at the massive stage from his seat in between Youngmin and Woojin. 

He felt a light tap on his shoulder. It was so feather-light, he didn’t even jump. 

“I think you’ll do well,” he heard. 

He turned around; he felt his heart lurch when he saw the face of the person talking to him. It was the same face he’d seen months ago, though a new color had been dyed into the hair. 

It was your face. Your face that he’d looked up at as you performed on stage with such an addictive fire in your gaze. 

He stood up hurriedly, clumsily pushing his chair back with his knees. Luckily, you caught it and shoved it back upright before it could fall to the floor. He bowed a full 90 degree angle, his cheeks flushed red. “Thank you for saying that,” he choked out. “I’ll try my best!”

His words felt like vomit slipping uncontrollably out of his mouth and he was completely embarrassed (it especially didn’t help that his members were quietly laughing at him and silently judging him), but he was still grateful, down at the core of everything. 

He managed to say something at least. 

He had originally thought that if he finally got to speak to you, he’d be utterly tongue-tied, unable to say anything of true substance, but at least something came out. It was better than an awkward nod or a series of ‘um’s and ‘er’s. 

You laughed at him. “Why’re you being so formal?” you asked, tilting your head. “I debuted after you.”

He stood up straight, his cheeks burning. He couldn’t bring himself to meet your eyes, so he just stared at the floor. “That’s true,” he stuttered, “but...” 

Daehwi turned back in his chair, looking at you. He beckoned you closer, making sure that Woong was still busy searching his brain for decent words. Once you’d leaned close enough, he whispered (not so subtly), “He’s a fan.”

Woong’s eyes widened. “Lee Daehwi!” he snapped, feeling the sudden need to smack the youngest in the face. 

He saw you cover your mouth, holding in a screech. “I’m a fan, too!” you blurted out. His jaw dropped. “That’s one of the reasons I was so surprised when I saw that I got to sit behind you!” 

He watched you stomp your feet with cute excitement. “I’ve been an AB6IX fan since pre-debut!” You looked to Woojin. “How’s your condition, by the way? I saw in an article that you weren’t doing so well.”

Woong supposed that was how his friendship with you began. After that small interaction, Daehwi and Donghyun kept forcing small-talk with you throughout the night. 

A simple ‘how are you enjoying the show so far?’ turned into a congratulations when you won an award, and then one for them when they won, and then exchanged phone-numbers. Fans of both you and AB6IX had gone crazy over the interactions, thinking it was the most endearing thing ever caught on camera.

Woong didn’t really know why, but he was incredibly grateful that his fans liked you as much as he did. There was a certain comfort in it. A feeling like, “Oh. I can openly be friends with you without upsetting the fans that I love”. 

It felt like having a never-ending army of support, and it made him feel warm.

He had always thought that if he kept his heart warm, a person with a warm heart would appear. He’d found himself wondering often nowadays if that warmhearted person was you. 

True enough, his first thoughts about you had been only platonic. He had a school-boy crush on you and he accepted that. He knew you’d be the person that made his heart flutter childishly, but he also expected it to fade quickly once he got to know you. 

He figured he would realize that you were both good friends, but nothing more.

Unfortunately for his busy heart and mind, that wasn’t the case. It wasn’t the case at all. 

In recent weeks, he’d started to find everything you did unbelievably endearing. Even the things he hated—like when you came up behind him and tickled under his arms—he found himself not being able to get enough of it. 

He wanted to be annoyed by you more. He wanted to be teased by you more. He wanted to marvel at you more. He wanted to laugh at your dumb jokes. He wanted to make fun of you for your ugly expressions (which he thought were cute, not ugly).

He wanted to sing with you more. He wanted to learn more choreography together and complain about things with you. He wanted you to stay his friend for a long time. He wanted for you to grow into his best friend. He wanted the both of you to continue to grow from there. 

He wanted your permission to love you fully.

He’d steeled himself in his mind. If he didn’t have your permission, he would give up. It would be slow and painful, but he would do it for your sake. If he couldn’t have you as lover, he refused to lose you as a friend. 

You’d grown too precious to him. 

That’s the reason why he was so hesitant to look at you as you both looked out the window, watching the sunset. 

You glanced at him, a chuckle creeping up the back of your throat. “Why aren’t you looking at me?” you asked quietly, not wanting to disturb the nice atmosphere that was floating around.

He shrugged. “You look ugly,” he said simply. 

You faked a gasp. “I think you mean: gorgeous!” you said, flipping your hair sassily over your shoulder. 

He started laughing. You had a way of putting him at ease. “Fine,” he sighed, finally looking at you. “Gorgeous.” It might’ve just been the color of the sky seeping through the glass, but it looked like your cheeks had flushed red. 

He scanned your features. 

Everyone on the earth has two eyes, a nose, and pair of lips. Overall, nobody is that different from the other... So, why did you look so ethereal to him in this moment? Why did you make his heart hurt so much he felt like crying?

Why did his eyes actually well up?

You looked at him with such concern, it made him grateful for you all over again. “Woongie?” you asked, shuffling closer to him. “Are you okay?” You put a hand on his shoulder. A small show of affection, but greatly appreciated. 

He gave a watery smile, shaking his head. “I don’t know,” he said, wiping his eyes. “I honestly don’t know.” He threw his head back and breathed deeply, trying to keep his tears from spilling out. “I guess I just fully realized that you’re actually beautiful,” he sighed out, his voice raspy. He felt your hand tense on his shoulder. “Like, in that indescribable way you hear about in stories.”

You tittered nervously. “What’re you talking about?” you asked. “You’re acting weird.” 

Once he was sure that his tears would stay in (at least for the time being), he looked to you, trying to gauge your expression. You didn’t look like you would pull away from him. He could trust that much. “Can I ask you something?” he wondered out loud.

You nodded slowly. “Of course you can,” you said. “Anything.” 

“Do you think I deserve to be happy?” he asked with an underlying hesitation in his tone. He didn’t want it to sound like he was guilt-tripping you. 

You looked shocked at the question, your eyes widening. You nodded without hesitation. “Of course I do!” you said. “There’s no one in this world I know that deserves more blessings than you.” Your hand fell from his shoulder, resting unwittingly on his thigh. “All I wish for you is a hopeful life,” you admitted. 

He nibbled his bottom lip thoughtfully, contemplating whether or not he should actually say what he was thinking. With a shaky breath, he made the decision to do so. He didn’t want to live with the regret of never saying this to you. 

“You know...” he started nervously, his palms becoming sweaty and the tips of his ears turning red. He shifted in his seat, not meeting your eyes. He swallowed the lump in his throat. “I’d be really happy... with you,” he finally said. 

He could sense your silence. Your lack of response. It scared him. 

“I’m not saying this to make you feel like you have to return my feelings,” he blurted out, forcing himself to meet your shaking eyes. “I’m saying this because I just wanted you to know how I felt, but I’m putting no pressure on you whatsoever.” 

He stood up, taking a deep breath. “So,” he started, “we can make a decision right now, and you can change your mind whenever you want; no strings attached.” He stood straight and closed his eyes tightly. “If you want things to stay the way they are now, stay seated. If you want... something more,” he said, the scarlet of his ears darkening, “then you can take a step closer to me.” 

He waited with bated breath to hear anything from you. 

A word. A breath. A slight ruffling of clothes, but he heard nothing. 

After what felt like an hour of deafening silence, he finally heard you say something. “On the count of three?” you said in a small voice. Dare he say, shyly. 

He nodded vigorously—reminiscent of a child—his eyes still shut tight. “One,” he started.

“Two,” you continued.

His heart was beating out of his chest. He would guiltily admit to looking forward to hearing you step toward him. He knew it was wrong, but he was left hoping and wanting. He was hoping so much. 

“Three,” he said, barely above a whisper. 

He waiting, his hands shaking. 

Nothing. Not even a noise. 

He chuckled at himself, trying to mask his disappointment. He started opening his eyes. “So, I guess you don’t feel the—?” He was cut off by your arms wrapping around his middle. 

“I’m sorry,” you said, muffled by his chest. “I was zoned out, so I didn’t hear the ‘three’.” You nuzzled farther into him. “I like you, too...” 

He blinked in surprise, not even able to hug you back. Instead, his arms just hung awkwardly in the air, stiff and unmoving. “You... do?” he stuttered. He shook his head, as if trying to wake himself from this unrealistic dream. “For real? No jokes? No feeling obligated to like me back?” 

You laughed at him, pulling away just slightly to meet his eyes. You grabbed his wrists and pulled his arms down farther so that they could snake around your waist. “I’m not kidding,” you said, your eyes turning damp. “I like you,” you whispered. “I really like you.” 

Woong felt a smile spread across his face, growing uncontrollably larger as the second ticked by. “I really like you, too,” he said, a light, fluttery feeling in his chest. “Like... A lot!”

What did people call that feeling?

Affection? Fondness?

Ah, right!

Love.

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Hmm.... Mayhaps I am a little fond of this boy. J u s t maybe. 

Thanks for the request, Anon! I had a lot of fun writing it. I hope you enjoyed it a lot and I hope it met expectations. Have a good day/afternoon/evening!

Feel free to stop by again. ^-^

[lunarfoxgirl]

100 questions thing

I was tagged by @uniquelykaydt! I’m not gonna tag a bunch of other people though, do it if you want to and tag me back so I can see but no pressure.

1: Is there a boy/girl in your life?

Ye

2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?

Yeah, mostly because I believe in forgiveness. Doesn't mean everything is fine, but I'm not one to hold grudges.

3: What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”

'right meow' jokes tbh

4: What’s something you really want right now?

Financial stability, a sense of purpose or direction, to not have to shave my face ever again, grapes/blackberries

5: Are you afraid of falling in love?

Honestly, yes. It happens easily for me, but my marriage kind of fucked up my perception of and desire for relationships, and so I worry a lot about how I handle them and how they will or won't work out, and it's just really stressful for me

6: Do you like the beach?

Nah. I like being near the ocean cause the sound and sight are calming to me, but I don't like the sand and I don't like the water and I don't like swimming and I don't like the smell and just no lol

7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?

Probably but I don't specifically remember it

8: What’s the background on your cell?

9: Name the last four beds you were sat on?

Mine, Derrick's, Rena's, and probably Rusty's

10: Do you like your phone?

Yeah, it's good. Want a freaking pixel but I'm broke as heck lol

11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned?

Not even remotely my dude

12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?

I think Lou

13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler?

probably a poodle cause at least then I could get a little one lol, I'm not a fan of real big dogs, I want something I can pick up and cuddle

14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?

Emotional pain can definitely last a very long time in a very excrutiating state, but I don't think I've ever literally blacked out from emotional pain, so...

15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?

zoo generally, but art museums are cool

16: Are you tired?

I am tired at the moment, but generally speaking, I am less tired today than I have been in a while, really caught up on sleep this past weekend

17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact?

First as in top of my contact's list? Uh... like a year and a half?

18: Are they a relative?

Nope, friend of a friend

19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?

Nah

20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?

Like, a little over an hour ago, text messages. Talk with voices? probably about a week? 10 days? we've watched shows on rabbit a couple times but she was on her phone for it so no video/audio just shows and typing

21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?

Today ends in 1 hour, but tomorrow... probably not. Life situation way too messy at the moment, and at this period in my life I'm really big on stability, which I have some semblance of at the moment. If everything lined up right, I wouldn't be opposed to it, but eh.

22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Yeah, will next time I see her I'm sure

23: How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?

None, though I have 4 on the post of my headboard right next to me

24: Is there a certain quote you live by?

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is probably the closest that I'm specifically aware of and remember at the moment.

25: What’s on your mind?

Housing applications, work, rwby fics, puzzle and dragons, sleep

26: Do you have any tattoos?

No, but I want to get the classic Raava back tattoo, I'm just chicken and broke. Only tattoo I really strongly want right now

27: What is your favorite color?

Pink and Blue in a couple of very particular varieties that I don't have good names for at the moment

28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?

March 31st

29: Who are you texting?

Ash mostly, Rena's asleep at the moment, I texted stephanie but wasn't really expecting a response tonight

30: Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?

ye

31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?

I don't get that feeling very often, but when I do, it's usually right

32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

Derrick! and others to lesser degree, but yeah, Derrick's great

33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you?

I am literally dating another girl right now

34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?

Yeah, tbh I should get contacts cause everybody loves my eyes and my glasses hide them

35: Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?

Right now, I would be very confused. But if I knew about the situation then I'd probably be chill. Polyamory is a thing and relationships are complicated and I'm not opposed to abnormal arrangements.

36: Were you single on Valentines Day?

Nah

37: Are you friends with the last person you kissed?

Currently dating

38: What do your friends call you?

Megan, Meg, Light, Beautiful (yes, really)... there used to be a couple others that would be super awkward to explain out of context so I'll just skip them lol

39: Has anyone upset you in the last week?

A bit, but not majorly

40: Have you ever cried over a text?

Yeah. Several occasions, actually.

41: Where’s your last bruise located?

Dude, at any given time, I have like 5+ bruises on my arms and legs. Welcome to retail

42: What is it from?

Retail in some form, probably a cart handle or the edge of a shelf or balancing something heavy in the wrong spot or some shit

43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?

approximately 7pm tonight when work was being a dick and I wanted to just go to sleep

44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

Walgreens pharmacy asking whether I was going to come pick up my damn prescription already XD

45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?

Yes, this one pair of boots I have, fave easy

46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?

I own like three hats that I never wear. Bad hair day = ponytail just like every other day lol

47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style?

Nah, I've done near that before but I like my longer hair better, style can fuck itself

48: Do you make supper for your family?

Once in a GREAT while, I will make dinner for me and Derrick and Lily. I think it has happened twice since we moved in together. So basically no. I cook for myself most of the time though, even if it is just shitty little stuff.

49: Does your bedroom have a door?

Yes? All bedrooms should have doors imo

50: Top 3 web-pages?

Tumblr Rabbit PADX >.<

51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping?

Rena pretends to hate shopping but she only hates shopping for things she's not specifically interested in, if you take her shopping for like UnderArmor or something she'll be there for ages and enjoy it.

52: Does anything on your body hurt?

My lower back and my feet most days, my head at the moment a bit

53: Are goodbyes hard for you?

Not usually, but sometimes

54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?

Probably a soda, maybe water, I don't remember

55: How is your hair?

Kinda oily and in bad need of a wash, but otherwise okay

56: What do you usually do first in the morning?

Lay in bed for two hours lmao but once I finally get up it's usually bathroom and then food

57: Do you think two people can last forever?

I think two people can last a lifetime. I'm not convinced about forever.

58: Think back to January 2007, were you single?

Nope, I had been dating my ex-wife for almost a year at that point

59: Green or purple grapes?

Green

60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?

Probably march 31st

61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?

nah I'm good now

62: When will be the next time you text someone?

literally in like 15 minutes

63: Where will you be 5 hours from now?

Sleeping

64: What were you doing at 8 this morning.

sleeping

65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked?

the person I'm dating

66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

Yeah, a few people, I try to stick with people like that

67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today?

Nope, at least not physically

68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

I honestly do not remember, I've slept since then

69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

Yeah, a few times

70: How many windows are open on your computer?

uh 2 at the moment, chrome for tumblr and this text document that I'm writing this in so tumblr doesn't fuck it up

71: How many fingers do you have?

10, like most (but not all) people

72: What is your ringtone?

some default thing that I can't be arsed to look up specifically

73: How old will you be in 5 months?

I will be a few days shy of turning 29

74: Where is your Mum right now?

At the house she is currently staying at, most likely.

75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?

She broke up with me. For reasons I still do not understand. Which is also the case for the second person. Hmm.

76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?

Nah

77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?

Pretty much all of them, yeah

78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?

That was 2010 years ago so I don't think I was crushing on anyone. If you mean when I was in 7th grade, I actually do, her name was Melissa and she was one of the few crushes I have ever had (and it is not the same Melissa who is my sister).

79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?

My grandfather

80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?

ye

81: How many people have you liked in the past three months?

Probably like 4 but I fall in like with strangers almost constantly it's ridiculous

82: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?

I have, there's a mirror in my room

83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?

Ye

84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?

Probably like Obama and Laverne Cox cause this is clearly a strange dream I'm having considering I almost never drink, I almost never find someone hot (asexual), I have literally never harrassed someone on the street

85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care?

Depends on the drugs. If she was into like pot or something then whatever, but if she was into like crack then yeah I'd fucking care lol

86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?

I think the last time I went to see a movie, we failed to see the movie XD

87: Who was your last received call from?

Walgreens, about that prescription

88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?

Can I kill the butterfly a different way first? Cause that sounds really unnecessarily cruel, but $1000 would be a big fucking deal at the moment

89: What is something you wish you had more of?

Time and motivation

90: Have you ever trusted someone too much?

Yeah, thought they were worth it but they proved me wrong. Still do probably, but to lesser degrees.

91: Do you sleep with your window open?

Nope, damn noises keep me up

92: Do you get along with girls?

Like 95% of girls and like 85% of boys tbh, I'm easy to get along with

93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?

Probably somewhat but nothing specific comes to mind

94: Does sex mean love?

Nope

95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?

Being locked in a room is usually a problem, regardless of company

96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?

Nope, though she had a fake one that she pranked me with, jerk

97: Did you sleep alone this week?

Girlfriend is 700 miles away so yeah

98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?

If I didn't then I wouldn't be part of everybody?

99: Do you believe in love at first sight?

Nah. Like, sure, love? No.

100: Who was the last person that you pinky promised?

Rena. The dork

[mallorytaylorblog]

1/28

17th October, 2019.

Okay first blog post of my challenge.

I finished my exams yesterday, I had two for the trimester. One subject was super easy to keep up with during the trimester because we had quizzes on the previous week’s content so we could stay sharp - 10 quizzes in total. I didn’t feel like revision for that subject was too full on because I felt like the quizzes made me accountable and kept me on top of my study. The other subject though was hard for me to keep up with. I knew uni was self motivated, but I didn’t realise HOW motivated I needed to be to keep up - I went into the exam not having covered 2 of the 6 topics and largely had to guess my answers (lucky it was multiple choice). Never making that mistake again. I struggled with my first assignment, I struggled with keeping up with the classes and seminars, I struggled with adjusting to working full time and having to inject the recommended 20 hours of study into my week as well, I struggled to feel close to my partner while I adjusted, I struggled to divide my time between studying, moving house and looking for another job as well, I struggled with the voice inside my head a lot too. It was very overwhelming, except for that one easy subject. 

I’ve realised through all of this that I will often avoid my stressors instead of dealing with them head on. I know I did this with money when I was younger - fines didn’t get paid until I got big scary red letters in the mail and they were WAY more expensive than they needed to be - but I made sure I turned my habits around there so I’m feeling much more fiscally responsible... to a degree. The past few weeks though, with study and exams, moving house and looking for another job, I’ve dived back into old habits which have really bummed me out. Only because I thought these habits weren’t habits. I didn’t think they were the go-to options when I felt completely overwhelmed.

This is what I’ve noticed I do.

1. I stress eat. Big and scary for me because I spent over a decade with disordered eating, including binge eating disorder among other things. I’m totally free of those maladies but I get worried when I find myself over eating. “Sure, just stop eating maybe?” I think to myself, but over eating is not necessarily something I choose to do. I didn’t realise this until the other day but it totally mellows out my brain and body for a while - I guess being totally overwhelmed with food and needing to focus all of your energy on digesting that food will do that. More often than not being so full makes me sleepy, so I nap - another way to avoid things that stress me out. These are two behaviours I engaged in to the extreme when my mental health was suffering the most. Being in such a good place mentally now, it worries me that these behaviours are what my psyche leads me towards when I am feeling stressed and overwhelmed. Will have to dive deeper into this one I think and figure out some ways to change my behaviour.

2. I also completely throw fiscal responsibility to the wind when I stress eat. My previous assistant manager told me when I eat “bad” foods that’s usually a sign I have something going on I need to deal with. Every day I would bring lunch to work and it would always be something healthy (got to live that #fitness life) so if she ever walked in to see me eating Hungry Jacks or a kebab and chips she’d know something was up. The past two weeks I have been working casually, so in retail that means three, maybe four hours a week. Not really much to pay rent on. I’m thankful I have an emergency fund I’ve been able to dip into so that’s made looking for a job and paying bills a little less stressful. But knowing my income is so short and unstable right now has meant nothing to little Stress Head Mallory - last week I bought pizza for dinner one night and HJ’s the other, spent about $20 on chocolate and ate my way through three bags of potato chips. Not financially responsible (or healthy in the long term) at all.

3. I put healthy habits on the back burner because I feel like I don’t have “time” for them. This blog is totally an example of that. If you know me you know that working out is such a big aspect of my mental and physical health that I could never give it up. When I moved in with Nick at the beginning of the year I cancelled my gym membership because I wasn’t loving where my workouts were at so decided to shop around and try yoga, look into F45, etc. I spent two months totally miserable I couldn’t just go to the gym, lift some heavy shit and be totally free of whatever stress was building in my body. Nick noticed a massive difference in my moods, mindset and energy levels that affirmed I needed to prioritise that part of my self care. I’ve got a gym membership now, but do you think I’ve been consistent with working out the past few weeks? Nope. I’ve been to the gym maybe once in two weeks, just to do a bit of cardio. “I don’t have the time, I need to study and look for a job!” I also need to feel awake and alert and in control of my health to study and concentrate. Exercise is one of my biggest stress relievers! Why do I put this on the back burner, of all things? This shitty habit of avoiding the gym when I feel stressed needs to go. Cooking becomes a chore too when I’m under time pressure and have heaps going on. If I know I have only two hours to study before bed and need to make dinner, I could order a pizza which would take five minutes or I could spend 40 minutes preparing and cooking a healthy meal. In my head, the rational Mallory that prioritises her health and fitness says, “Easy, you cook the healthy meal. You’ll feel better after eating it, you’ll have left overs for lunch or dinner tomorrow, and you’ll be nourishing your body with all these yummy veggies!” But Stress Head Mallory is all, “Nope, order the pizza, it’s got veggies on it and you can spend more time studying, besides this isn’t going to be a frequent occurrence! You can cook again when you have more time”. And this is a trap I see many people get into. It’s HARD to cook healthy meals, especially when they take some planning and organisation and you’re totally strapped for time. I have started to make a shopping/recipe list for times like these so I have a few quick and healthy meals I can whip up, in bulk, to get me through a study period or times when I have little of it to myself.

Three things I’ve taken away from this study/moving/job searching period. Three things I wish to re-evaluate, become more aware of, and make steps toward changing.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that I’m so much more capable than I believe I am, but if I’m going to be writing every day maybe I should come back to that point!

I had a good chat with Nick about a thing I’ve been holding onto like a “dirty little secret” too. Will have to write about that at some point too.

Okay that felt good - literally the reason I started this blog! Get some thought organisation happening ahaha. Excellent.

Looking forward to tomorrow’s post! :)