#i just seem to ramble pointlessly

[romanoffsbish]

Never Alone With You

Natasha Romanoff x Fem!Reader

Prompts

Requested by: @mostlymarvelsstuff

"I feel your absence in everything that I do alone, in every place I go without you." (27)

Warnings: None, just fluff.

A deep, persistent ache settled within Natasha's chest as she entered the quinjet; this dreadful assignment of a week long undercover mission—something that once brought her joy in the form of a multitude of adrenaline rushes, now only serves to bring her immense pain. Her mind anxiously searches, a bit pointlessly, for the reason, a saddened smile eventually covering her face when she reaches it; you.

——————————————————

You were to blame; had she just never entered that coffee shop in Manhattan on the third of October five years ago then she'd likely still be joyfully kicking ass, but now she fights with resentment for her good deeds; anything that keeps her from you seems rather pointless. There's hundreds of agents Fury could choose from, but he still sends her on the simplest of recon missions, it's honestly offensive, they're below her Avenger pay grade, and she quite frankly doesn't have the time for such frivolity.

Not when all she wants is to spend every waking minute with you, making all your rambled about dreams come true, and in a way many of them have become hers too. If you'd asked her what her dreams were before you she'd always say she had none, even when that wasn't close to true, she just didn't feel deserving enough to entertain them. Now that she has you though, her answer—always relayed with a lopsided smirk, is that she doesn't need to dream anymore when her wildest one already came true. Boasting about you to anyone will listen is her favorite thing to do, and in turn it's your favorite to evade. Natasha always winds up laughing wildly when you tug on her hand, or hide away in her chest, but she does it whilst rubbing a soothing hand up your back, quelling your persistent anxiety.

The former assassin lays her head down on her pillow that first night, with your lived in hoodie on the pillow beneath her head and your photo clutched tightly to her chest, falling into and out of one of the most restless sleeps of her life. The week continues on just the same too, she enters the jet without anything but getting to you on her mind. With bags in her hands, and under her eyes, she settles into the cockpit.

T-minus two hours, and she'll have you in her arms again, where you belong always.

—

You'd been worried sick all week, as you always were when Natasha had to leave for a mission, and when said mission was no contact your anxiety was made that much worse. Natasha was an Avenger to the world, but to you she was so much more than her given title; it had always rubbed you the wrong way how the world only treated her as if she was a machine. As if she wasn't allowed to have flaws, because if she did then she'd be of no use to them, and in theory to the world, but that wasn't the case.

Natasha was the sweetest person you'd ever met, all the media told lies about her being a stone cold assassin went out the cafe window when she first smiled at you. Caught in the widows web you always joked, but it wasn't a fable, Natasha had your heart from day one.

Today was the day she was meant to return to you, you'd spent all of yesterday cleaning the house in preparation, and now you stood with a warm mug in one hand, your phone in the other, and a smile on your face once your phone pinged. Looking down to see the one emoji'd text from her— a home, the sight alone had the power to make your anxiety melt away.

Before leaving the house you made sure to pet Liho., "Mommy will be home soon sweetie.," you coo'd while scratching his chin, and he meowed, almost as if he knew what you said. You reckon he did on some level, this sequence was a familiar one for him as you grabbed your keys and set off to meet your lover at the base.

—

Once the jet landed Natasha was already at the back of the jet., "You really missed her, huh?," she turned to her mission partner with a sad smile., "More than I ever imagined possible.," Wanda placed a comforting hand to her best friend's shoulder., "You know, you could always retire from Shield.," Natasha furrowed her brows at the younger woman words, the thought had crossed her mind, but she didn't ever make any moves to do it., "Just tell Fury you'll be available for the end of the world nonsense, but that it's only fair you have off time off like the others do for a family."

Natasha ponders her wise words, family standing out to her the most as she daydreams. A soft smile taking over her face at the idea of you waddling around your shared place with a protruding belly, to eventually aiding you in all things baby related, and she was so caught up in the magic of her mind she didn't register the door opening, or the tears running down her face, but you sure did, and it wasn't more than a seconds time before you were at her side.

"Natasha, honey.," you softly lifted her head by her chin., "Are you okay baby? Are you with me?," your hands slid to cup her cheeks, part of you trying to comfort your distraught lover, while the other was assessing her face for harm. The redhead looked at your face through hazy eyes, rapidly blinking away her tears in the hopes of finally seeing you after a long week, and once her vision was clear she smiled gratefully., "Hi.," you chuckled at her meek greeting, then pulled her in for a hug., "Hey."

Natasha's arms were tightly around your waist, her bags now dropped on either side of your conjoined bodies, while her head rested on your chest, an ear over your calming heartbeat. The crying while staring at the ground was a bit different for you, normally she runs into your arms with a wide smile, but this softer part, where she allows your heart to bring her back to a simpler headspace is generally expected. After what she sees when she's gone, or what she's made to do, she finds that just this simple hug remedies her mind's harshest demons.

"Ready to go home yet love?," you query after a half hour of silent embracing had passed, you wouldn't willingly admit it, but the rigid stance was hurting your back., "You are my home.," the way she clung to you tighter while declaring you her home warmed you entirely., "But yes, we can get out of here.," as soon as she pulled away you dropped your lips to meet hers in a surprise attack, her squeak of pure shock left you to pull away without her reciprocation to giggle wildly., "Detka, stooop, I'm tired."

A whining Natasha was secretly your favorite, her feelings were hardly ever filtered, and her usual teasing fell by the wayside. Every part of Natasha is your favorite actually, you wouldn't change anything about her, but this little niche of hers held a slightly elevated space in your heart, because her thoughts were purely her. What she says is her desire, it's how you were proposed to, and that's still one of your most fondest memories to date., "Let's go then."

After you settled her bags over your shoulders Natasha clambered right into your open arms, clinging to you adorably, like a koala, sighing at the relief that being off her feet and in your arms always seemed to bring her. She wasn't ever worried about the judging stares, because everyone knew to avert their curious eyes from you, not wanting to end up on the agents list.

—

Once you made it home, in a similar position as you previously were you carried her straight into the kitchen. Where you'd set her down on the counter with the already prepared peanut butter sandwiches that she instantly reached for. Natasha hummed appreciatively at the simple flavor, you giggled at how easy she was to please, and again when she tried to speak. Due to the glue like texture of the peanut butter she was clearly struggling. The pout she gave you was enough to crack your heart, looking as if she were wounded, so you passed her the prepared thermos of coffee, and she beamed.

"Thank you detka.," You nodded, smirking as you went to take a bite of your own sandwich, made with jelly because you weren't crazy like your wife., "You're welcome love, even if it did pain me to make the favored atrocity.," your wife groaned, but her eyes were swimming with amusement. Silly moments like these were what you always offered her after her missions, even when she could see you had a tough week of your own, nothing seemed to matter more to you than tending to her.

It overwhelmed her a lot of the time to see just how deeply your love for her truly ran, she felt undeserving, but then you'd smile at her, just like you were now from across the kitchen, and she was reminded of every single reassurance you've ever whispered to her in the past.

"You're not your past Natalia, you never were the monster they tried to make you out to be. You're an angel actually, just gotta spread your wings, and I promise you'll sore."

"I love you today, I'll love you tomorrow, and I'll love you for every foreseeable day after."

"I'm yours Nat, wholeheartedly so, please never forget that."

"You, my precious girl, deserve the world, and I can't wait to give it all to you."

The comfort of your previous words washes over her as she gazes at your focused features. Peeling the orange she knew was about to be hers, your usual attempt to fight off any of the germs she likely brought home., "Catch the citrus, not the cold.," she mocked you in the same moment you tossed the peeled fruit her way, receiving a heatless glare from you that earned you that deep melodic laughter of hers.

Natasha saw you moving about, cleaning the mess you made preparing the lunch earlier. She admired your persistence to keep a tidy home, but she always hated the space between your bodies, so she hopped down from her spot on the counter and made her way over to you. A content breath flowed from her nostrils as she was now laying her cheek against your back, while her arms wrapped securely around you from behind., "I missed you.," she tiredly sighs, as if her clinging to you wasn't already an indicator of her spoken words., "Yeah? I hadn't noticed.," you joked, laughing softly when she groaned against you., "I missed you too love, are you ready for a shower?," lazily she nodded against your back, and without any warning you spun around in her hold, splashing her with the residual water on your hands, and removing yourself from her hold for safety.

"Oh my gosh, Y/N!!!," she gasped, which slowly faded into a tired scolding of your name. All you could do was laugh at her, so hard in fact that you were clutching your stomach and started to cry. The sight of her genuinely shocked face with water droplets spread all about was priceless. Usually the two of you had your routine, but on rare occasions like today you enjoyed stirring it up, and it appears Natasha does too, the smirk taking over her face as she approached you a telltale sign., "You're the actual worst.," she humorously lies., "Yeah, I know, I'm just the devil."

The both of you made your way upstairs after sharing a moment of laughter, and a soft kiss. Natasha immediately undressed once crossing the threshold of your bedroom, you followed behind her, tossing her discarded clothing into the bin, and following it up with your own. Stood outside the shower your wife looks to you expectantly, your eyes then begin to wander her body, taking note of how careful she had to have been to be free of markings., "I'm so proud of you Natty, coming home to me safe and sound like promised.," she beamed at the praising, then within the next she was melting into your hand that held her cheek., "Always my bestest, bravest girl.," she hummed when you leaned in to kiss her deeply while your other hand waded beneath the water.

Natasha was in the most serene state as your fingers carded your woodsy scented products through her tangled red tresses, humming as you promptly rinsed them out just before washing her body just as intently. Though you'd always protested, she made sure to at least return the favor by washing your body just the same while you handled your own hair. Calloused fingertips would trace over your skin as her hand ran the soaped up loofah over every part of your body. Her heart always felt elated, it filling her with immense swirls of love and pride to be able to share such a tenderness.

All her life she'd been made to use these hands of hers to bring harm, but with you they only ever offered soft, comforting touches, and it's in moments like these she's reminded that she is more than all her forced evil's of the past. That she's done bad, but she isn't a bad person. It's in these subtle moments of intimacy shared with you, that transcend a carnal need, that she finds the most peace, feeling all that love she was meant to have all along, and knowing now without a single doubt that she indeed deserves to move beyond being any agency's weapon.

"Natty, I am almost positive I'm clean.," the amusement in your voice settled the worry in her chest as she took notice of your agitated skin. The loofah had clearly run dry of suds while she was lost in her thoughts, and for some reason you just allowed her the moment., "I'm fine love, it's just a surface level scratch.," you immediately disregarded the 'injury,' and leaned down to kiss her deepening pout away., "Follow me now angel, time to melt away all the worries that are plaguing your mind.," Natasha accepted your extended hand, an unreadable expression was on her face, and it worried you ever so slightly, but you were also hopeful your massage would help to calm her.

Natasha's eyes pleaded with you to stay close when you went to briefly leave her on the bed, the subtle pain in her eyes as she worked to let go of the life she once knew, for the one she desperately wanted to acclimate to present. Sadly though, you weren't trained to read her the way she could you, so all you offered was a kiss to her nose, and a whispered reminder that you'd only be but a minute while collecting your warming lotions.

A groan of relief left your wife's lips as your hands settled on her shoulders, you watched her eyes flutter closed expectantly before moving even further down her tense body. There was nothing sexual about the way your hands grazed over her breasts, you only had intentions to melt away all the stress that had accumulated within her body this past week. Unfiltered groans of appreciation left your wife's lips as soon as you kneaded her mounds, it's not something many people would ever consider, but a lot of the time her breasts are sore from spending so much time in those restrictive suits, and your expert ministrations always find a way to relieve the tension.

With every ache in her muscles you'd relieved, it was as if it was being displaced to her heart. Wanda's words were weighing heavy on her, and she couldn't stop her mouth from uttering her deepest pains., "I feel your absence in everything that I do alone.," your hands stilled on her calve, the shake in her voice making your heart drop into your stomach., "...in every place I go without you."

In a seconds time you were face to face with your wife, hovering over her with a concerned expression etched into your features. Natasha smiled up at you, using her hands she urged your body to lie on hers, then she continued., "It's like, my heart doesn't beat right without yours within a comfortable distance.,” you gave her a look of understanding, causing her heart to ache at the thought of you being equally as hurt every time she left you to aide the world, the same one that you felt didn’t deserve her.

She gently cupped your cheeks, smiling at you while tears filled her eyes in direct contrast., “I’m done living a life that doesn’t serve our future detka.,” she chuckled lightly, using her thumb to massage out the furrow in your brow before returning her hand to your cheek., “This, right here, these moments are all I need. You, detka, are my past, my present, and my future, and with that being the case I’ve quit.”

“I’ll still Avenge from time to time, but the rest is history, Fury wasn’t thrilled, but he said he understood, and wished us well.,” your bright smile, and teary eyes made your wife’s choice that much easier, there was no room for doubt when you were this excited over the prospect., “Time for you and I to start that family, yeah?,” Just as soon as you went to nod your approval a loud, clearly offended meow rang throughout the bedroom, and your face flew right into your wife’s neck with unbridled laughter to follow., “To continue our family, my apologies Liho.,” your wife corrected herself with faux sincerity, then she joined in with the obnoxious laughter as yours had failed to cease.

After the both of you calmed down enough you pulled back to look into your lovers eyes once more, wanting to see if the prior words spoken were the whole truth. Natasha didn’t need to ask what you were doing, she just laid there, allowing you your silent bout of observation., “So this is it then Natty?,” she nodded softly, her hand once again was caressing your cheek, and pulling you in for a tender, yet deep kiss., “We’re going to be mommies.,” you giggled against her lips, and your excitement led to a new wave of tears for the former assassin.

Never in her life had she thought she’d find someone willing to love her, let alone be willing to start a family with her, but everyday she thanks the stars above that you challenged every misconception she had about love. There was nothing to really fear when you scooped her fragile little heart up and into your hands, using your abundance of free flowing love to fill up all the deep cracks, and now, because of you for the first time ever she’s been made whole.

“YA lyublyu tebya.,” her wavering voice filled the little space between you, your lips pressed to hers in a reaffirming manner before you pulled back to look into her eyes., “I love you too Natty, with all of my heart; I’m all yours.,” she melted at your words, and you pressed a kiss to her forehead before continuing to return to massaging your wife. Observing her face, a bittersweet feeling settled in your chest when you realized this was the last time you’d likely be performing this post mission sequence, so you made sure to make it a memorable one.

——————————————————

3,289 Words

❤️ Kaitlyn 🥺

[ozimaniac]

[A Character Analysis of Zen]

Now that we have Zen’s birthday date and know that his zodiac sign is cancer, I just want to look at some characteristics. (Because I’m guessing that these dates were picked for a reason and not just random.) I Also want to talk about his past and why he is so avoidant about it. Even if I just end up pointlessly rambling about it, with no clear conclusion, because we just don’t know yet.

I will now infodump. A lot.

So a main characteristic of cancers is that they are closed off or seem distant at first. Cancers hold back on revealing their thoughts, therefore they come off as mysterious and not easy to approach. They also try to avoid confrontation. They retreat into their “shells” if they are uncomfortable and they like to brood.

Nonetheless they are very caring and protective about their family and friends. They might put the comfort of others before their own. They have the tendency to be self-sacrificing.

I think this description fits Zen well. His character seems calm and at peace with himself at first, but slowly you realise that there are underlying insecurities and you don’t really know what he is thinking. Ow2 actually gave us some voice lines that make it more clear that he isn’t a perfect individual, that reached complete inner peace. He has struggles of his own.

I also saw “dislikes revealing of personal life”, which is really accurate. He has always been really mysterious, especially about his past. This is noticeable in the interaction with Rein and Genji, where Rein asks him “What did you do? You know, before the Crisis?” And he will give different responses, that are kind of short, silly or underwhelming, and it’s implied that he isn’t telling the entire truth. Let me list the following responses:

“I served coffee.”

“I collected payments at a laser tag arena.”

“I was a lifeguard at a water park.”

“I drove a tractor.”

These are pretty ordinary jobs, and I don’t doubt that he worked these jobs. (Except for the lifeguard one maybe, he doesn’t look very waterproof.) So I don’t think that he is lying.. but that doesn’t mean that he isn’t hiding something.

There is also a line, that I think has been cut out of the game, because I only found it in one video.

“I massaged sheep on a free range pasture.”

(Now that’s a dream job. But seriously.. I almost thought I went insane and made it up, because it was really hard to find.)

Then Rein asks “Is that true?” and Genji says “He won’t tell me either.” (Ram also says something similar.) So although he has a close relationship with Genji, he still won’t reveal what happened in his past. And this obviously makes me think that something bad happened, and that he is uncomfortable talking about it.

He also has a line that goes “My memories before the awakening are blurry, but I do remember some things.” and he doesn’t elaborate further.

It could be that he legitimately doesn’t remember a lot before the awakening, and this makes him feel really insecure. Gaining sentience as an omnics and trying to uncover those memories from the past, is probably like thinking about your first memories when you were a child. You might only remember snippets, and you might not be able to recall memories from a certain age. It could also be that some trauma has caused him to repress certain memories about his past and he feels subconsciously uncomfortable about it, which leads to avoidant behaviour, which might be his coping mechanism. Or he does remember his trauma and he is purposefully avoiding it, to not make the people around him uncomfortable or bring the mood down.

Zen’s current self is introverted, wise and sometimes witty. He went through a journey of self healing to get where he is now. So if I had to imagine what he used to be like in the past, then I’m picturing a quiet, oblivious and maybe anxious character. In the story with Symmetra he said that he used to have difficulty understanding certain phrases, which has some parallels to an autistic experience, like Symmetra’s.

His insecurities also shine through in some other voice lines. Like when he talks about his favourite animal, ants. He says “I envy ants for their clarity of purpose.” Although Zen seems quite accomplished, he still lacks purpose in his own eyes. There is also an interaction with Zarya where she asks if he dreams, and Zen answers with “I dream of peace. And, sometimes, falling.” Falling in dreams represents a lack of control over a situation or your life. Also feelings of anxiety or helplessness. 

Tw: trauma and bullying.

Ok so, what was his past like before the crisis.

First I want to look at Zen’s model. He is just an average, humanoid looking omnic. What we saw from Genesis, is that omnics like him were created for various odd jobs. We saw them being cooks or caretakers or servants.

And it’s not hard to imagine that those omnics faced a lot of mistreatment if they made mistakes. It would have been easy for humans to blame omnics and just treat them like objects, and bully them verbally or physically.

If you get bullied early on in your life, it’s likely that this will affect you throughout your life. So even if Zen wasn’t “awakened” yet, he still states that he remembers some things, and that mistreatment could explain his current, closed off self. When he is approached or asked things, he doesn’t say a lot and that could be learned behaviour, and a self defense mechanism. He also uses a lot of wisdoms and phrases that might seem impersonal, at least to strangers. (This could also be a masking behaviour.)

I can also imagine that omnics worked isolating jobs, which humans might avoid. (I’m picturing working in a closed off small space with repetitive tasks or no social interactions. Maybe a factory setting.) And this kind of job could get really lonely and boring. Once again, this could have led him to be more closed off, if he worked in that kind of environment.

Why would he keep this a secret though? Well, maybe it’s just not worth talking about. Sometimes the truth is boring, and the biggest fear is to disappoint. (This is less likely though, because he seems very intent to not tell anyone the details. So it’s probably something more serious that happened, like I mentioned before.)

Instead of being a victim, could Zen have been the aggressor? I think that’s unlikely, because it’s about his past before the crisis. Before the awakening. Most likely he did as he was told, because he didn’t have that level of autonomy yet. This also means that people were able to easily take advantage of him. If people mistreated him, then he had to just accept that, because that was his programming. Also I just don’t see Zen as being aggressive.

Well, anyway that was it!

I got sidetracked a lot on other thoughts, but I wanted to write about Zen’s past for a long time. His zodiac sign just gave me some confirmation about what I was initially thinking.

[afniel]

There, I did this!

I have more room on Tumblr to ramble than in a Youtube description that nobody's gonna read, so...if you're real into pointlessly technical things, read on, I guess?

I learned some tricks that aren't all that interesting to anybody who isn't using Famitracker while messing with this. Like that you can replicate some heavy slap bass on the sawtooth channel by using V00 for normal volume (0-F as usual) and V01 to achieve MAXIMUM EARBLAST volume with no option to regulate it until you set it back to V00. It seems like volume output-wise, the VRC6 channels are treated as one category that compete with each other for a share of the volume, and the default 2A03 channels are a separate category, so if there's not much going on with the other VRC6 instruments, slapping the V01 command on the saw channel will be overpowering as hell. However, if you're using the other channels, it's not too bad, and you can use it as kind of an F+ volume. As far as I can tell it just expands to fill the remaining volume allowance for the VRC6 channel set.

I used a fairly moderate 10 instruments on this, mostly because VRC6 channels use separate instruments.

As for the sprite art, it's FFIII-based, and the Magus Sisters are heavily heavily edited from their FFIV incarnations. The Tower of Zot background is entirely from scratch, though, as are the weapons everyone's holding. It actually obeys foreground palette rules! It does, however, break the background palette rules by one palette extra. I could have resolved that with fewer colors in the Magus Sisters (swapping the yellow/purple/brown/transparent palette for more yellow/red/brown/transparent would do), but hell naw. I don't think anybody but me will care that much anyway.

Other than that, you could in fact display this on an NES if it were set up properly for it. You'd be sacrificing a kind of ridiculous number of background tiles for the Magus Sisters, but that's okay, they're cool. The music would similarly work if you threw it on a cart with a Konami VRC6 sound chip.

Kinda cool, right?

[darnestdungeon]

I took a little break from Tumblr and had the surreal experience of trying to come back right at the peak of go/ncharov posting. I couldn’t understand a single post in my dashboard, it was awful. Things seem normal enough now though, so I’m glad to be back!

On the topic of DD1 references, I’ve got exciting news!! I’ve just figured a way of exporting the game animations into gifs without having to buy the Spine software– and without pirating it too, which is a bonus! I’ll share the tutorial later if anyone is interested!

I just wish I had found out about this a year ago, you know, back before I had spent hours painstakingly cutting and repositioning each piece of those chaotic pngs into their correct place, all of this to assemble a mere static png of their idle and combat poses... (as seen here and here)

So yeah, I finally got something I want to post here again, I just wanted to update y'all on that! Might take a while to export everything (not even counting the procrastination that shall sure ensure) but we'll get there eventually-- unless this has been done before, please let me know if that's the case!! I don't want to just pointlessly repeat someone else's effort.

(A few more gifs and ramblings under the read more!)

Here are some other gifs I used to test things! I still need to fine-tune the frame rate settings and some other details like transparency dither on the shadows and outlines. Some of these look good enough but others look just... bad. (Looking at you, Dismas. So jagged...)

(Ugh, Vvulf is so RIDICULOUSLY BIG for a size one enemy!! You have no idea how much I still love this giant old man, lives rent-free in my brain.)

Anyways, I'm super excited to have acquired this knowledge!! DD1 art is just so charming, nothing really compares.

[symbol-of-artemis]

I'm going to be so fr I have absolute no fucking clue what to post here. After that one weird Gabriel thirst/shit post I never thought id come back because I really just posted that for shits and giggles and Tumblr never really seemed like a necessary part of my existential development. however, since being diagnosed with ADHD and taking meds for months now, the idea of using social media the way it was intended suddenly seemed like a good idea and no other site resonated with me the way Tumblr did. Especially with its focus on anonymity and user base comprised almost entirely of people with divergent interests, lifestyles and user/post culture associated with it. I've many times heard Tumblr referred to as a "Journal but with PVP" and straight up just a hell site and even just from what little I've seen, id say that's disturbingly accurate. yet, simultaneously I've seen art I could have never imagined, hopes and dreams layed bare by people I nor you have ever met and likely never will meet but seen those hopes and dreams nurtured instead beaten and abused as would often be expected anywhere else. maybe I'm just being overly sentimental about a sight I've only been using for a day and a half, but I really like this place and feel as though I should contribute something meaningful. on the other hand, reblogging random shitposts is kinda fun and I like posting about random thoughts an ramblings I come up with because it feels like it makes sense and isn't out of place. I don't remember if there's a point to this post or if I'm just pouring my heart out to the abyss or if I'm just being needlessly and pointlessly pretentious like I usually am. but if Tumblr is like a journal with PVP while being the hell site its always been, then I think that makes the good parts of it that are made by its inhabitants all the meaningful and worth seeing. "What power would Hell have if those here imprisoned were not able to dream of Heaven?" (might delete later after realising how offtrack I got but this feels too important not to at least post ._.)

[lionofchaeronea]

I've realized that, although I'm American by birth, upbringing, and citizenship, in some respects I don't feel at home in my country. Not that I despise it, or that I despise myself for being American, but I just feel...out of place. So many aspects of American popular culture seem utterly foreign to me. And I feel a deeper kinship with, say, Fernando Pessoa -- a Portuguese poet who died half a century before I was born -- than I do with most of the people who surround me at the grocery store. I don't know whether it could precisely be described as alienation -- it's more that I'd rather be a kosmopolites, in the capital-C Cynic sense of that word, than the citizen of any one nation.

(Does this make any sense at all? If not, I apologize. It's 4:00 A.M. where I am, and it's possible that I'm just rambling pointlessly.)

[the-ultimate-muses]

“D-don’t start stupid rumors! He’s obviously not that kind of guy!!” All it took was a comment or two from a green-haired girl in another section, digging into Gundham’s honor, and the mechanic was set off. “If we’re talking weirdos, most of the people in the school have colorful personalities! And some not the good kind!! At least Gundham has common sense… s-sometimes. Like, he’s a really reliable person to go to, and he’s kinda… sweet, if you get to know him! I mean yeah, he’s mostly like that towards animals… b-but he can be like that with some people, too. For someone that claims to be an evil overlord, he’s… really nice…”

At this point, he was just muttering it to himself, but was snapped back to reality when he noticed the girl narrowing her eyes at him. “A-anyways! Don’t call him a freak over nothing! You don’t know anything about him at all!!”

Gundham was no stranger to such comments about his person, no matter what the subject be; his personality, his looks, the general way he conducted himself, it was all up for scrutiny when others were feeling unkind. It had always been so, as a child, and all through his younger life up until this very moment. It hurt, yes, but he'd long since made peace with it. People were always going to talk, to assume they knew what couldn't be further from their grasp, and those people weren't worth his time. What they said didn't matter, not really. If anything, it helped weed out anyone who would be a waste of his time to interact with, not that there were many that were worth his time, it would seem...

No, overhearing the conversation from below him, the breeder having been lounging in a tree in the courtyard, simply enjoying the day, that hadn't surprised him, only getting a scoff and a roll of his eyes before he went back to the book he'd been reading.

What had been surprising, enough so that he almost dropped his book, was hearing Kazuichi of all people coming to his defense. They got along, sure, but he never would have guessed the mechanic would defend him even when he wasn't there to hear it. It brought a smile to his face, it pointlessly hidden behind his scarf as he listened to his classmates ramble on, only deciding to make his presence known when he seemed to flounder.

With a sigh, he tucked the book into an inner pocket of his coat, the leaves giving a slight rustle as he manuved his way upright before jumping from his perch. Boots landing with a heavy thud, it brought a grin to his face, seeing everyone around him jump at the sudden fright.

"Pardon the interuption, your conversation sounded so fascingating, I simply couldn't help myself." Eyes first flicking to Kaz, Gundham shot him a wink before turning his full attention onto the girl who thought she'd gone unheard by him. He always loved to see their fear when they realized he had been listening to every word, most people's confidence fading away the moment they were face to face with the person of their grevience. "Please, do continue. Simply remember that nothing you say ever truly goes unheard. You must pay mind to your words, if you do not wish the wrong party to hear."

[yifftwiceplz]

rambling about daves timeline under the cut

this info has been touched on but a little more in depth

so i couldn't decide what age dave i wanted to RP and came up with some weird bullshit to be able to jump around impulsively but i have a general timeline for my dave

16-17: beats sburb, moves onto earth c. i DONT care about the endless isekai plot i want my boys to be happy B( i support anyone strong enough to stick with it, but personally i am rewriting it in my head the strilondes move into a duplex with roxy and rose on one side, dave and dirk on the other side. they do this because it seems like the healthiest option for all of them to live with their siblings and help each other grow and heal

dirk and dave have a lot of shit to work out both with dirk's chronic isolation and impossible standards for himself, and dave having been raised by a basement dwelling abusive dick. it's a little rocky at first especially with dirk's messiness and dave's clinginess but they push through and the strength of their relationship grows

neither of them has a job at first but they both piddle around with comics, youtube channels, and side projects until they both start messing with crypto scams. namely scamming crypto bros out of their money. it's around this point where they somehow get the rights to interdimensional twitter, which is a silly meaningless side plot but a fun one.

i probably won't play him at this age too much, but if i do the main things to look out for would be that he rambles way more and makes weird run-on sentences, like a full paragraph of metaphors, and still lives with dirk / the fam. he's also quite scrawny and still wears his god tier jammies most of the time.

around 22-23: dave moves into a house with karkat, funded by dave's youtube channel, karkat's job as a marriage counselor, and help from dirk, who's sad to not be living with his bro anymore but is very supportive and pointlessly rich.

he's at home pretty much 24/7, just casually working on youtube videos, comics, whatever he wants really. karkat is fine with being the breadwinner and household leader, dave is fine with being bossed around and he likes to clean. he has very few priorities to deal with so he does what he wants (mostly troll you all here)

this is his current "real time" age, around 25, so after he's lived with karkat a couple years already. he doesn't ramble as much, usually in a good mood and lets things roll off his back. he is also chunkier and doesn't wear his god tier outfit much anymore; he got tired of the style. he does still wear the pants around the house.

around 30 is when dave really makes a name for himself on youtube and makes his first movie, which is relatively low-budget and simple. his career kind of explodes from that point and by 35 he's in the middle of making his second movie, which is a genuine hollywood affair. he loses quite a bit of weight due to stress / being busy, usually has a 5 oclock shadow, and his outfits are usually pretty dumpy (unless it's a premiere or a press tour).

he and karkat are mostly long distance at this point, which dave stresses about more than he should. karkat is fine letting dave do his thing, but dave is beginning to overthink the fact he's going to far outlive karkat. he eventually decides to bring dirk on, which he was reluctant to do because dirk really needs to work less and get out more. but dave accepts he needs help and dirk is the only guy who can do the job properly. and dirk is happy to live his childhood fantasy of being on set with his bro

things to look out for would be his hair has a nice fade, he wears his shades less, he's usually scrawny (unless he's on break back home to be re-fattened by karkat), and he uses punctuation/rambles less

he's really busy most of the time so until i get some more things worked out he's like a little old man treat that i sprinkle to you guys like goldfish pellets in a pond of giant koi

around 40 is tbd but chunky hairy homebody dilf-with-no-kid dave supremacy.

[therosevest]

going to pointlessly ramble about the grammys just cause im annoyed and bored at work:

in no way is anti hero a song worthy of an award as stupid as the institution giving it might be. did a lot for fandom edits but stop giving that woman grammys just cause shes popular oh my god. that album sucked

ill keep these next two complaints separate. guts was fine but not good enough for album of the year are we kidding. i knew it was gonna happen and got preemptively a little bit mad. sorry olivia and her fans i love u girl but stop giving teenagers grammys it's really going to their heads. im tired. nowhere to be seen: the rise and fall of a midwest princess or javelin. ok. guts was better than harrys house as an album nominee by a decent amount... but not enough. come on.

boygenius being on there but not muna or chappell or paramore. once again. boring. sorry i still havent listened to the whole record but it's so obvious theyre getting up there because they had a lot of popularity skyrocketing this year and theyre the whitest/most vague and performative about their queerness. i am not saying the artists themselves and the way they behave is performative btw im just saying like. chappell has local drag queens at every tour date. muna brings out a variety of artists for their openers and brought a trans choir to one of their days at. wait was that in la. well regardless it was recent. im just saying they dont engage with the broader queer community as much like hurrah yay tits out but. be serious. they are not the best performers or lyricists.

i guess kill bill is fine as song of the year but the rest of these... why isnt speed drive on there if we're including barbie songs.

best new artist. im appalled chappell isnt there but whatever. as fine as his music seems im sick of hearing about this noah guy.

BEST POP DUO/GROUP PERFORMANCE. AND YOU PUT KARMA BY TAYLOR AND ICE SPICE. PLEASE BE SERIOUS. THAT WAS SO FORGETTABLE AND STUPID AND AWFUL. OH MY GOD WE'RE IN HELL SORRY TO BE DRAMATIC. FUCK OFF AND DIE I AM SO SICK OF SEEING THAT WOMANS NAME (sorry ice spice). WHY THE ABSOLUTE FUCK IS ONE THAT GOT AWAY NOT THERE (well apologies if it only counts feature songs usually...... whatever.)

the fact that fast car luke combs is on there. WHAT EXACTLY DID HE DO. HE TOOK A LESBIAN'S SONG AND SANG IT LIKE. OK. HE DID NOT WRITE THAT SHIT. IT'S NOT THAT GOOD OF A COVER. KYS!!!!

yeah whatever naturally charli wouldnt show up for best soundtrack on bottoms. and maybe it wasnt like THE best score ever but it was so much fun.

fast car is on here twice. im clenching my fists.

at least rush is on here i guess... why no other troye noms even.

best pop vocal album and u have olivia and taylor there. this is how u can tell pop music rn is in the shits. sorry. neither of them have bad voices theyre just singers not vocalists. not to be pretentious but if the whole category is about vocals.

i wont hate on them for this but olivia and boygenius are the only women you could come up with for the rock category. what about nova twins. ig their genre is weird but neither of them wholly fit it either. ok also their album is from 2022. whatever

best music video and they have rush but not got me started or whatever or one of your girls.... right. omg caroline rose is on here (not mv) i liked her one song

k well then theres a lot of others sorry to neglect but whatever. in conclusion. im sick. and tired.

[sanoiro]

Although there is nothing that could shake me away from Lucifer I found myself throwing peddles in my mind's fan musing lake.

So I would like to share some thoughts about Bridgetron S3.

Penelope's Foreshadowing

The glimpses of what is to come were rather obvious in 508 however one particular line stuck with me.

The future may not hold such good days.

Although S3 brought Polin out in the open, there is a connection between all the past and future seasons as it seems.

We know that Penelope and Colin will be featured again in S4, and we know that having a boy meant that the show could keep the Featherington set untouched.

We know that for a gossiper to be out in the open is not safe or perhaps... productive.

Additionally, if the show has proven something is that nothing remains hidden forever and therefore I wonder whether the ton will ever discover the source of Portia's money and whether Little Lord Featherington's place will be shaken.

So yes aside from which couple will grace S4, Penelope has foreshadowed two things.

There is no time for one couple per season growth anymore, everything just happens together despite the reassurance of the showrunner that they focus on one couple per season. (If that was the case I would have watched the deleted Polin scenes instead of Benedict's enthusiastic threesome! )

Lady Whistldown was power but part of that power was gained by her anonymity. Penelope's words to give Colin a chance for an annulment simply give way to the fact that they will face everything together from that point onwards and that bad stuff is bound to happen. S4 is set to have issues with that revelation equally for the column and the couple.

And yet I might be pointlessly rambling. After all at the Polin wedding we saw flower arrangements of Yellow, Green and Purple. The decor complimented these colours as well.

The colours of viola tricolor. The Heart's Ease, the flower.

My second is conveyed to my first by the company of family. My whole is a product of spring.

That's all I guess.

I truly miss how I could analyse Lucifer episodes and moments but sometimes I cannot turn it off for other shows...

[frostbite-the-bat]

hi pls read i have a thing to ask if you're a ttcc player dont ignore bc guzma long text ok please i beg ok heart emote. the more important part ill color ok ?

hmmmm SO since im actually considering writing a thing on clash lore, mostly the past atticus stuff, comics, thomas dialogue/saggs cyger drama!! the direction it seems to be going...? clash staff's confusing or non-existant explanations or communications on their directions with it aside from "we are rewriting tasklines" (that are public, fuck one off discord messages. idk if theres any but i just wanna say this outright) and just how pointlessly hype based it is. they underdelivered this time and man! disappoint!

so, my question is, if you're still reading this post, i will rephrase shorter if nobody does -

but does anyone have any thoughts on clash lore and any of this? mind telling me about it?

there's probably still details i am missing especially oclo stuff as i haven't done that fight yet, and i only became an active player after 1.3, but i'm still allowed to be interested and have opinions, even if this lore is... hard to dig for. so if i ever discuss anything and may be missing a piece please do let me know. but that doesn't matter what i want right now are opinions.

i have spoken to my friends about this endlessly but i worry i may be in an echo chamber - and i know this isn't my toon blog but i feel better asking about it here, more casually. just for opinions.

because from what i've seen a lot of it isn't... exactly positive. but i explode if i venture into the wider fandom space myself and i won't do it for the sake of my own mental health.

love the game to bits, my passion for it is why i care so much - but i feel like some of the recent directions... could be discussed...? i don't know, i just want to make / write a thing discussing all my issues in a less rambly way. it'll still be a long ramble, but hopefully a slightly smarter sounding ramble.

i wish i could compare this to anything in the past updates, but i really can't as i haven't been playing. i logged once in 2019 then never again until early 2023. so like. i have nothing to point to from personal experience aside from being told that the time between the lawbot updates and lbhq got backlash, too.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Rewatched John Robins’ The Darkness of Robins and Sara Pascoe’s LadsLadsLads this week, both of which I’d seen before but not for a long time. Then I wrote some stuff that gets rambly and probably too long so here's a cut to spare people the details.

Both their 2017 shows, which I’d seen described as being both about the end of the same relationship, though I don’t think that’s completely true. Darkness of Robins is definitely about the ending of that relationship. LadsLadsLads is mainly about stuff Sara did after the breakup, and stuff from earlier in her life that relates to it. That relationship itself is barely touched on.

Though she was definitely doing stand-up about that relationship in 2016, not to mention complaining about it on panel shows a lot, so I think I can still at least slightly justify his oversharing about some details by saying they were both doing it. Just not in her 2017 Edinburgh show. There is one bit early in Darkness of Robins where he says “She decided she was unhappy, kept that to herself, bought a house with me, and left,” which is just entirely untrue. She announced that she was unhappy with her relationship many times, frequently in front of large live audiences and while being filmed for national television. But she did at least stop announcing it so much after they broke up, while that’s sort of when he got started. Arguably too much.

I was a bit worried about that part – the ending bit with the sexually explicit story that might make me not able to like him anymore if I reminded myself of how bad it was – so I’m pleased to say it was less bad that I’d built it up in my head. Definitely shorter than I remembered. Still bad, still not justified, even by the fact that she’d said things publicly too. Just, at least shorter than I thought. I think I remembered it being longer because, you know, it’s pretty memorable. And it’s meant to be, he threw in some brief explicit detail for shock value so that his comedy show would stay in people’s minds, and it did work. I mean, it won an award. But he could probably have cut the shock value line and still won the award. Re-watched it also reminded me that he justified the shock value line’s place in the show because it was a callback to a bit from the beginning, but that beginning bit was also just pointlessly gross shock value and my least favourite part of a very very good show.

Honestly, I’m looking for ways to justify the possibly unjustifiable bits because I’d forgotten just how much I like this show. Or maybe, I’d remembered really really liking it but hadn’t remembered all the reasons why, and this re-watch has reminded me. It makes me feel a bit better to know it won the Perrier Award, because otherwise I’d worry that I might like this show far more than it deserves, as he seems to have written a show mainly to give voice to my inner monologue (I mean, much of the show matches my inner monologue… not every moment of it, obviously, I don’t think about having sex with Sara Pascoe nearly as often as he apparently does). I’m glad it won the award so I know that other people agreed it was objectively (as much as this sort of thing can be objective) good, it doesn’t just happen to resonate with me.

I mean, obviously really good comedy is supposed to resonate with most people. That’s what observational comedy is. But nothing can be relatable to everyone, because people are different. A good relatable joke is going to be funny to people who share that experience, a great one can transcend into being funny even to people who don’t share that experience. I have, in my time, laughed at plenty of jokes about being a parent or having a spouse or dating stories or the everyday pitfalls or home ownership or appearing on reality TV or heterosexuality or whatever’s going on in the life of this comedian who lives a very different life from me, because they made it funny enough so I only have to do a little bit of mental recalibration to put myself in those shoes and imagine how funny this would be, how accurate their observation probably is. I have also failed to find jokes like that funny, but known it’s probably a good enough joke to be funny to someone who actually is a parent, or whatever the subject is.

But listening to so many shows that require a little mental adjustment, to imagine the perspective of that comedian in order to find the joke from that perspective funny, really highlights how much I like watching a show that requires very little recalibration. I happened to watch this show when I came home after work and was feeling really guilty, because I was training another staff member on a client that I work with, and I have everything in his binder set up really specifically and then I went in and found someone else had not thought about this and just put things in other places and I got genuinely furious but tried to express that in an appropriate manner in front of the other therapist by saying through gritted teeth “Oh I see this paper’s been put on this side, which is fine, I mean different people put things in different places it’s fine” and just weirdly repeating things like that too many times, sort of trying to slightly appear joking but clearly actually upset, and then I spent the whole bus ride home asking myself why I have to be such a terrible person and be a dick about someone just putting things in the wrong place and obviously I failed to hide how upset I was and now this coworker knows I’m a dick about things like that and she won’t trust me in the future. Then I got home and put on this stand-up show, and it opens with what really should be trite and overdone material because it basically boils down to “I hate the way my girlfriend used to put cords in the wrong places”, but the delivery with barely supressed aggression and the underlying sense of “It’s not about the cords it’s about the intense psychological effort of not going off on people every moment of the day because they don’t think about things carefully enough, and other people ruin everything but really it’s me who ruins everything with my inability to let things go and this is why no one likes me”, and I said, oh I remember why I liked this show so much.

Because Darkness of Robins is a deep emotional breakup show and everything, and a few times he tries for a philosophical point that I think maybe works slightly less well than he thinks it does, but that sort of plays into it, if that makes sense? Like. When he looks straight at the camera and says: “No strings attached does not exist, all we are is string,” or perhaps less philosophically but quite emotionally intense: “I would rather drink alone for the rest of time, than spend my life sober amongst people,” it’s a bit awkward, it doesn’t feel natural or like he actually achieves the gravitas he’s going for. I this he’s right in the points he’s making, but he doesn’t create an atmosphere where I fully buy into the dramatic moment the way some comedians can, it just looks like a guy trying hard to make a point.

But also, that sort of works. Like the emotionally intense points he’s making seem like the sort of points that would come from a person who looks straight into a camera and falters a bit while trying to be deep. And it’s hard to look at him at that moment but I think it’s supposed to be. Elis James has a story about John Robins calling him in the middle of the night in 2009 because his show doesn’t have a meta-narrative like Daniel Kitson’s does – well maybe that’s the meta that he’d worked out by 2017. I realize “actually the part that doesn’t quite work is good because it’s a meta moment that proves his point about how he doesn’t quite work” is a lot of mental gymnastics to justify a possible flaw, but I do like it. It definitely makes it stick in my mind more.

Anyway. What I was trying to say is that while this is a show that gets deeply and intensely introspective and makes some broader points about relationships and stuff, a lot of the actual material is, technically, just observational everyday-life stuff. Stuff that feels relatable to someone who had a frustrating day at work with papers that got left in the wrong section of a binder. Large sections of the show are taken up by a story about a tour of his acquaintance’s house and a story about a trip to IKEA. And weirdly, given that I’m not generally a fan of mundane everyday life observations (I mean, I don’t think anyone’s a big fan of that stuff, except possibly Josh Widdicombe), I think those are my favourite parts of the show.

It turns out that maybe I don’t dislike detailed descriptions of mundane parts of everyday life that are only meant to be funny because they’re relatable. Maybe, most of those stories are just not relatable to me. Maybe if these stories were told every time by a person who has panic attacks when shopping and wants to shoot themselves when they get a tour of a nice house where people who have their shit together are raising their children – maybe then I’d like it fine!

I mean, obviously John Robins is not the only comedian to say “I get anxious when doing tasks that are supposed to be simple and feel overwhelmed and defensive when other people appear to have their shit together better than I do.” So I have to give him credit for the writing and delivery, I’ve heard other comedians say things like that and I’ll find it relatable enough to laugh a bit but it won’t stick in my mind as one of my favourite stand-up shows ever. Maybe John Robins is doing a whole lot of stuff with his writing and with his delivery that I don’t even know enough about comedy to analyze, and that’s what makes it so much funnier when he does it than when other people do similarly relatable material. Or maybe it’s just that the other comedians don’t mime shooting themselves in the head to really drive the point home of how that feels. It’s mildly funny at the absolute best when comedians complain about all the boxes in IKEA looking the same and then you have to pretend to know what you’re doing even though you don’t really. It’s a lot more memorable if the story is about the rapid spiral from that into becoming convinced you’ve never done anything right as the paper disintegrates in the sweat in your hand and the absolute terror of anyone else knowing that you ever thought this might work. There’s an early radio episode that I listened to a couple of months ago now where Elis James asks John Robins what he’s most afraid of, and he answers “Being found out,” and I’ve thought of that line at least every few days since hearing it. What a perfectly succinct description of the one fear that’s just always underneath everything.

At a more surface level than that, there’s this part after he describes all the panic and the spiraling and the self-hatred about it while shopping in IKEA, and then “I get to the tills, and it hits me all at once, the row upon row of cramped and logistics and scanning and kids, beeping and screaming”, and I just want to give that credit for being perfect word choice. That’s just straightforward description of a relatable mundane situation, but I’ve heard a lot of comedy routines’ straightforward descriptions of relatable mundane situations, and very rarely one that paints such a vividly accurate picture in my mind. He described it so well that I briefly felt the thing I feel every time I get close to a crowded cash register area in a busy store, that moment of fight or flight where your body just wants to run out of there, and I felt that right before he went on to describe the fight or flight response.

I don’t recommend this show. Partly because I can’t properly justify the oversharing of personal things about another person whose name the audience knows, I don’t know whether he ran it by her beforehand but if he didn’t then that’s not really ethical. But also, I don’t tell people to watch this show because I felt weirdly uncomfortable watching it, like I connect to this on too personal a level and do not want anyone I know seeing this and knowing what I find so very relatable. If I were to let my friends watch a guy who hadn’t quite achieved as much dramatic impact as he was going for, look straight at a camera and say, “I would rather drink alone for the rest of time, than spend my life sober amongst people,” in a way that makes it hard to look directly at him because it almost works but not quite – I wouldn’t want my friends in real life to watch that because I’d feel like they were looking at some part of me that I don’t want people to look at. Though they would definitely watch the bit about how painful it is to pretend to be a proper adult long enough to get a tour of a proper person’s house where they raise kids and stuff, and they would say, “Hey, someone should send this video to [Tellthemeerkatsitsfine], I think she’d relate to it.”

Anyway. The point is that those bits got to me more than the breakup story itself, which was of course the main theme of the show. But I did really like the ending, couple of ill-advised lines aside. I liked pretty much all of it, couple of ill-advised lines aside. It is, like with his other stand-up shows that I re-listened to in the last couple of months, kind of fun to go from the radio show to remembering how John Robins sounds when he’s off the pre-watershed leash and allowed to say “fuck”. And he sure did take advantage of that. Sometimes in ways that made me feel vaguely uncomfortable but still find it funny. I don’t actually think there’s anything wrong with telling sexually explicit stories in general – it’s just a problem if the other person in them isn’t anonymous and then you’re revealing private details about another person. Otherwise, I think it’s ethically fine, I’m just weirdly squeamish.

So then I watched LadsLadsLads, which I watched about three years ago but didn’t remember much about it. It was a really good show, better than I’d remembered. This one was much, much less relatable to me personally, but I still found most of it funny, which as I said I think is the mark of a good show. If you can write the jokes so well that they’ll be funny even to people who do not personally have that experience. Sara Pascoe did that. She made me laugh repeatedly, I enjoyed it a lot and that one I do recommend. It had interesting stuff about making connections among family relationships and romantic relationships and figuring yourself out. It’s a good, funny breakup show that works even if you have little in common with Sara Pascoe.

I was about to say it was more ethical than the other show because it didn’t tell me anything about John Robins’ sex life, but actually that’s not true. I’ve just remembered that there is a bit in the middle about Titanic that gave me a brief mental image of John Robins in a situation where I do not wish to imagine John Robins, so actually, I take back what I said earlier in this post about his being worse than hers for that. I mean, he talked much lot more about the relationship itself than she did, but in terms of brief explicit descriptions, I think they’re one all.

…Sorry that this post has so much about comedians’ love lives, I feel weird writing so much about a thing that is none of my business, but they’re the ones who did the shows about it. I feel like I've reached my quota for knowing about comedian love life gossip for the entire year, I need to go listen to Andy Zaltzman talk about cricket or something as a cleanser.

[toyotacorrola]

"Radio Static" chapter 4 is out!

Chapter Summary: "Elesa was worried. So far, though, Emmet hadn't fought her very hard on letting her help.

Unfortunately, actually helping wasn't as easy as it seemed."

Chapter Word Count: 2,870

Links: ff.net | neocities

Also can be found under the cut:

Elesa took a breath, deep enough to hurt in the icy December air, then slowly released it. She could do this, it would be fine.

She rapped her knuckles on the door, feeling the slight sting of the finished wood hitting her hand. Usually she wouldn’t bother to hit it so hard, but sometimes Emmet wouldn’t hear it if it wasn’t loud enough. She stood there in silence for a few seconds. Right as she was beginning to think she’d have to knock again, the door swung open.

Emmet looked… rough. He always did, lately. Tonight, though, it seemed that he was actually more put together than usual. She should be happy to see just that slight improvement, but she wondered if it was really that he was starting to get as better as he could, or if it was just for her sake.

Instead of saying anything or letting her thoughts show, she smiled at him and held up the grocery bag in her other hand.

“Hey, Emmie. I brought the good stuff,” she said, a laugh in her voice that she didn’t really feel.

She had been embarrassed of her late night call to Emmet, before. It had been a drunken lapse of judgment, and she had felt so ashamed, thinking she’d bothered him when everything was already so hard on him.

Instead, he had assured her he hadn’t minded, and agreed to let her hang out at his and Ingo’s- at his place. She had been pleasantly surprised, not expecting him to relent so easily. Maybe even he was starved for proper human interaction at this point. 

Until then, the only real contact she’d had with him had been her daily check-ins, which were always stiff (even by his standards) and never lasted long. Lately, she’d been busier and busier, so the times she actually got to see him in the flesh lessened, and it was killing her. She was so worried for him with how awful he looked and sounded, increasingly so every time. And without Ingo to keep him in check… well, she just didn’t know.

(Or maybe she did, and she just didn’t want to think about it.)

Not to mention all of those awful rumors about him… she hoped they hadn’t gotten to him yet. She almost hoped they never would, but she knew better.

He smiled back, small and tired, but genuine. It made her own feel that much more real. He stepped back to let her in.

She glanced about the apartment, hoping she was being subtle. He probably already knew what this doubled as, though.

The place was actually neater than it was the last time she’d been there. Everything was in its place, nothing was broken or strewn across the floor. There was even a distinct lack of hair on the furniture. He must have tidied before she’d gotten there.

It may have been for appearance’s sake, to not worry her, but the fact that he’d had the energy and forethought to do so at all gave her hope. Maybe it was naive, maybe she was grasping at straws, but she just needed any sort of sign she could get that her friend would be alright.

They sat down together on the couch, and she rambled pointlessly about her choice of movies for the night. She wasn’t really paying attention to what she was saying, not really thinking about it before letting it out. Mostly, she just wanted to fill the room with something, to have his eyes on her, just to know he would react. He seemed interested enough, so she supposed she wasn’t doing too badly.

“My dad loves this movie, but I’ve never actually seen it. He says it’s just horrible, but he’s seen it so many times, and he just kept noticing all these little details that he thinks there’s some sort of secret genius in it. Something about how that’s the problem with trying to make art out of movies - I don’t really know, he’s told me about it so many times, I’ve stopped really paying attention. The others are just a bunch of chick flicks, the only ones my mom actually likes - she hates all those overly sentimental ones. Those were always more Dad’s thing,” she rambled.

Emmet chuckled, but didn’t say anything. She figured that was about as good as she could hope for. She leaned forward and popped the disc in, listening to the old DVD player whir loudly. 

They sat quietly together for a while, sometimes laughing at a particularly bad line. She could tell, though, that he was distracted, and she didn’t blame him; so was she. What was odd, though, was that he seemed to be specifically facing away from her most of the time - almost like he didn’t want her to see his face. When the credits started rolling, she stretched and stood to take the disc out. Emmet glanced at the clock. She worried for a moment that she was overstaying her welcome.

“It’s getting a bit late. I can make something, if you’d like to stay for dinner,” he offered, instead.

She couldn’t fight the smile that came upon her face. She wasn’t ready to leave him alone, yet, and she always did love his cooking.

“That sounds wonderful. I’ll help,” she added. She never did like just sitting around while someone else did something for her. 

Emmet seemed like he wanted to insist otherwise, but he must have known that would be a losing battle, as he instead led her to the kitchen and asked what she’d like. 

“Spaghetti sounds nice,” she said, mostly because it was generally pretty easy. Even if she was helping, she didn’t want to ask too much of him. 

As she opened the pantry to get the uncooked pasta, she noticed how sparse the items in it were. Maybe she would start to go with him for grocery trips.

They didn’t really talk, but it was nice, just standing by his side as they worked. She stared at the water, waiting for it to boil. Emmet had been horribly distant as of late, and it had worried her sick. She just wanted to be near him, to see him, to know that he was okay.

It was hard to rid herself of the idea that, if she didn’t watch him very, very carefully, he might just disappear on her, too. For that reason, she’d been pushing more than she usually would, lately. Normally, she’d give him space, despite her worry, and let him come to her if he wanted her help.

Now, though, it was really more about reassuring herself that he was still there than anything. Or, as close to there as she could call… this. 

The sound of the water bubbling brought her back to reality. None of that mattered right then. She was here, now, with him - she could see him, he wasn’t going anywhere so long as that was true. For now, that would have to be enough.

She dumped the noodles in, remembering the time she had broken them in half and the boys had chastised her heavily. It brought a smile to her face, before she was sobered again. Everything just felt so different without Ingo, she thought as she poked her spoon into the pot to ensure everything in it was submerged.

She was sure Emmet was feeling his absence then, too. Maybe that was why he had been avoiding her - they didn’t spend much time one-on-one together. It wasn’t that it was awkward, or that he didn’t want to see her, but rather that it was just another reminder of what was missing.

She supposed she’d just have to rectify that by making it into the norm, at least until he returned.

“Hey, Emmet,” she started, and he hummed to show he was listening. “Do you think maybe we could do this again next week? It’s been nice,” she said.

“Sure, that sounds fine,” he said, deadpan as ever, but still sounding disinterested in a way she’d trained herself out of hearing in his voice. 

She tried not to feel hurt by his dismissiveness. It was hard on him, on all of them; she knew that. She’d never seen him in a worse state than he had been in lately. She wondered, then, if his cooperativeness that night had really been willingness to finally let her in, or if he just didn’t want to have to push back against her anymore. 

In fact, this whole night, it was like he was barely even there. She saw the look in his eyes, then. Her relief from earlier had completely vanished, and she was now very, very scared. Scared for him, of all the things going on in his head that she couldn’t see. 

She took a good, long, look at him, the way he’d not quite been letting her the whole night. He had definitely noticed her staring, but he wouldn’t be the one to speak first. 

He seemed just… out of it, his eyes completely devoid of anything at all, with huge bags under them that he didn’t even try to hide. His hair was the only part of him that really seemed like it’d been properly washed recently, and not that thoroughly. 

She wondered how long it had gone unwashed before she’d told him she was coming over. 

She realized, then, the shame and embarrassment that he’d had all night. She hadn’t thought much about the way he’d tried to avoid letting her look at him for too long, lest she notice the minor acne making a resurgence on his skin. She’d seen how barren his fridge and cabinets were, and she could see the way he seemed just that smallest bit slimmer. 

It hadn’t been very long since Ingo had gone missing, all things considered, although it had felt like an eternity. She worried, then, how much worse everything would get if things went on this way and no one stepped in.

She wished he would realize that she wouldn’t judge him for any of it. She wouldn’t think any less of him for maybe forgetting some hygiene in the wake of everything they were all going through. However, no matter how carefully she tried to breach the subject, it wouldn’t come across that way. With how hard he’d tried to get her not to notice, it’d likely feel like judgment to him no matter what she actually said. 

She just wanted to have a real, serious conversation without hurting him - to express her concern without feeling like she was overstepping. She’d have never thought just a few months ago that she’d have to walk on eggshells around one of her best friends the way she was, now. 

Her thoughts were interrupted by a yelp and a curse from where Emmet was pouring the noodles out into a strainer. She turned to see him cradling his hand. He seemed alright, but she noticed he was shaking.

“Emmet…? Are you okay…?” she asked.

She walked over to see his face better, and…

He was crying.

She wasn’t sure what to do. He sank to the floor, as though his knees could no longer hold him up, and so she went with him.

“Emmet, please, just talk to me,” she begged. She was scared, so scared. She understood that he was scared, too. She understood that his hurt likely ran much deeper and differently than her own. She just needed to be able to help him, to do anything at all. 

“You wouldn’t understand,” he moaned.

She knew that. Dragons, she knew. But couldn’t she try?

“...Emmet, I know... I know I don't get it. I've never had anything like you and Ingo, in any sense of it. But could you just try to explain it to me? Talking it out might help, and... and I want to help, however I can. Even if it's just listening, even if I can't really understand," she replied. 

“...It’s going to sound crazy,” he said, but he sounded ready to give in.

“Try me,” she answered, steady as could be. He chuckled a bit, his eyes alight with just a little bit of the warmth she used to see in them every day. 

“Okay,” he sighed. “Okay. Just… give me a minute. Find my words.”

She nodded, and waited. She always would. She understood. She was wondering, though, just what he could possibly be talking about. She’d assumed all of this had to do with Ingo. The thought gave her pause.

…Did he know something…?

She looked back at him, and the atmosphere had changed again. She tried not to think too harshly of him - but just what was he hiding from her? 

Across from her, Emmet took a breath, and began speaking.

"I am Emmet. For my whole life, I have known one thing for sure. The world would never be silent. For as long as I can remember, my hearing has not been a guarantee. But I would still hear something. Ingo… he would still be there, in my mind. He would speak to me, still, and he would be my ears. Now he is… Gone. There is nothing there. Radio silence."

To say she was confused would be an understatement.

“Emmet, what are you talking about?” she asked, maybe a tad less patient than she’d wanted to come across.

“Elesa, I am going to say something and it is going to sound like a lie. But I need you to believe me anyway,” he said.

She was conflicted. He had been acting so strange today, but never in all of her time knowing him had she known Emmet to be a liar. Even as unusual as his behavior had been, she couldn’t believe he would lie to her when it came to Ingo.

“Okay,” was all she said. 

Please, don’t start lying to me now.

“Ingo and I, we share a… connection, of sorts,” he began. “What I see through my own eyes, he could easily see as though it were through his own. What he thinks, I would hear as clearly as though they were my own thoughts. Always, always, he has been there, even when we were apart. And now, I…” he trailed off.

“...Don’t hear him at all,” she finished, dazed. It was quite a thing to ask her to believe. She had half a mind to think he’d gone insane. She couldn’t blame him, if he had.

But really, stranger things had happened in her life. 

She believed him, wholeheartedly. She really wished she didn’t, though.

“So, if you can't… If he’s not…” she tried to say, but she couldn’t find it in herself to voice her fears.

“What else could it mean?” he asked, sadly. “One second, he was there, and the next, he just… wasn’t. No warning, nothing.”

She’d heard he’d acted strange on the day Ingo had disappeared. Apparently, he’d said some odd things just before people started searching for him - had suddenly asked about him, despite being in the middle of working, and already having not seen him in hours by that point.

She’d thought it was just one of those times you get a bad feeling, and it turns out to be right. A coincidence, or a one-time thing. She’d heard of it before.

She knew she was being too quiet, that he was probably waiting for an actual response from her. But what could she say? How could she reassure him? 

Still… maybe it was foolish, but one thing about her was that she was determined to hope. Emmet had once said that she and his brother were alike, in that way. She didn’t think she could ever live up to Ingo’s own spirit, but by the Dragons, would she try. 

“Do you wonder if, maybe… well, would it be too absurd to think that, just maybe… something… took him?” she asked.

His brow furrowed harshly. “What?” he asked.

“Think about it,” she said. “There’s no body, no blood - nothing at all to really indicate that he was ever there in the first place, except for his belongings. If he’s dead, then where’s his body? Where did it go? Why wouldn’t whoever… why would they leave his belt?” It was too painful to refer to her friend’s supposed murder, even if she was telling herself that wasn’t what happened.

Emmet was still silent, so she continued.

“Wouldn't you have felt some kind of pain from him, even if he died instantly? And how-”

“Stop,” he interrupted. “Please, just… just stop. Don’t. Don’t give me hope.”

“Emmet…” she started.

“No, no. There’s just no way. Who could have possibly taken him so quickly that I didn’t feel anything? What could they have done to manage that?” he asked. Pleaded, really.

“Maybe it’s not who,” she started, carefully. “But what.”

She let the implications linger, let him think about it on his own. She could see the hesitation in his face, but also that he was thinking about it. Deeply.

He looked up at her, that old fire back in his eyes. 

“I think… I have a lot to think about,” he said. 

[bridgyrose]

The recent Vol. 9 trailer and some rereads through your AUs have had me absolutely craving more Salem's Vessel... pls (if you don't have any interest in the concept anymore then no worries gjejfne)

Ruby smiled a bit as she took in a breath of fresh air as she stepped off the airship from Beacon. Even if it was Weiss’s idea to walk around, she had to admit that getting off campus and away from the other students felt nice. And to top it off, it was just a quiet day with her team. 

“Are you sure you can trust them out here?” Salem asked. 

Well, mostly quiet. Ruby’s smile started to fade as she slowed down her pace while Weiss didnt notice as she continued to ramble on about seeing the visiting students. “I never said I trust them, but that doesnt mean I’m not going to try to figure out what they want,” Ruby said in a hushed whisper. “Yang is my sister and I trust her to keep me safe. Blake… I’m still not sure about her but besides romance books, whatever she’s hiding doesnt seem to be dangerous yet. And Weiss… I genuinely want to get to know her and find out why she’s like this. I know she’s from Atlas but that doesnt explain anything.” 

“Seems like you’re learning.” 

“Learning or finally trying to figure out who my team is. You do have a point that I cant blindly trust everyone, but at the same time, I’d like to make friends with them.” 

“You really think you can be friends with a spoiled heiress?” 

“I’m not sure, but if she’s willing to try, then I can too.” 

“Ruby!” Yang called out. “You’re falling behind!” 

Ruby sighed and whispered to herself. “Please stay quiet today. I want one day without you popping into my head.” She quickly rushed back to the group with her semblance, leaving a trail of petals behind her as she took her spot next to Weiss once again. “Sorry about that.” 

“Please try to not fall too far behind,” Weiss said as she continued walking down the street, her eyes looking around for anyone who looked like students. “We’re here to bond and hopefully find out more about our competition for the Vytal Festival.” 

“Who said we were doing that?” Blake asked. 

“Why wouldnt you want to?” Weiss paused and looked at Blake with a curious eye. “If we win, we could be on the fast track to being huntresses! People will know who we are and what we can do!” 

“Maybe some of us dont actually want that.” 

Ruby rolled her eyes as she listened to Weiss and Blake argue pointlessly again like usual. Weiss seemed determined to get some sort of standing while at Beacon and Blake was practically her polar opposite: someone who seemed to want to stay in the shadows of the other students and be out of the way. And in a way, Ruby could relate to that. How much easier it was to sit back and let others take the limelight while she faded away as a normal girl. Instead, here she was leader of her team, two years younger than everyone else, and practically a prodigy after training with Qrow and her father. “Maybe we can find something else to do.” 

“Like what?” Weiss asked. “Dont you care about who we’ll face?” 

“A little, but not enough to argue about it. Besides, werent you the one who said that you wanted to try to get along with us?” 

Weiss frowned and huffed. “Fine, we’ll do something else.” 

Ruby relaxed a bit as she continued walking with her team through Vale. Though, it didnt take long for her to stop once more once she saw police tape covering the entrance to one of the dust shops in town. And once again, she found herself on edge as Weiss spoke, disdain in her voice.

“Great, another dust shop robbery. Probably the White Fang again.” 

“Maybe it wasnt the White Fang!” Blake practically yelled out. “Not everything has to be their fault.” 

“Who else could it be?” 

“Maybe that Torchwick guy Ruby ran into a couple months back,” Yang suggested. “He never was caught so its possible he’s starting back up again.” 

Weiss rolled her eyes. “Unless he’s specifically targeting SDC supplied dust shops-” 

“Considering the SDC is the biggest supplier, that’s not hard.” Blake sighed and started to walk off. “Can we drop it, please? If, and that’s a bit if, its the White Fang, then we can let the authorities handle it.” 

“Oh, like the way they handle everything else?” 

Ruby hesitated as she watched Blake’s bow twitch at the mention of the White Fang and the way her tone seemed to shift as she almost seemed defensive at the idea they were responsible.

“You noticed too,” Salem said calmly in Ruby’s head. “For all you know she could be part of them.” 

“I never thought that,” Ruby lied in a quiet whisper to herself. “Though, I guess it wouldnt surprise me if she had been. Or still is.” 

“Then you’ll need to watch her carefully. The Heiress to the SDC and a member of the White Fang on the same team. If you’re not careful, you’ll get stuck in whatever war they end up waging against each other.” 

Ruby sighed and started to walk after Blake as her mind raced. It was becoming more obvious that while Blake was hiding she was a faunus, she may have been wrong about what else was being hidden. “Then what exactly do you suggest?” 

“Find out what Blake is really hiding and why Weiss is really here. Gain their trust and use them to your goals. Everyone is a piece for you to use. Each has their different uses, but if you play them right, then you can make your own desires your reality.” 

“Like how you’re using me?” 

“"Using” is a strong word. I prefer… teaching.” 

“Let me handle this one on my own.” Ruby half listened to Blake and Weiss argue while Yang tried to keep them calm. “And if I cant get things to work, then I’ll do things your way.”

[themainspoon]

Just found out that I didn’t get into my Universities paid summer internship program, and I’m heartbroken. This would have let me work in the field I’m studying to be a part of, it would have let me get my name on an actual academic paper, it would have given me a ton of useful experience, and it would have allowed me to produce knowledge instead of simply receiving it (something I’ve wanted to do since the beginning of my first year). I have just missed a huge opportunity, and it feels terrible.

(Big long emotional self reflective post below. I don’t expect anybody to undergo the emotional labour of engaging with this post, this is mainly just me thinking out loud into/onto something. It isn’t really a rant or a vent, I’m not trying to blast my emotions at others so I can feel better, and I’m not just pointlessly rambling. However, this is all personal IRL stuff, you have no obligation to engage with it.)

Now I’m just kind of left with several months of nothing until the start of March next year. This also once again highlights one of my biggest personal issues, which is that the entirety of my self esteem is built upon my academic success. I do well, and in university I actually receive affirmation. My success actually gets noticed (unlike my experience in school), I have good relationships with my tutors and professors, and I seem to be well liked by most of them. I was directly told by my academic advisor that it will be tragic if I don’t continue onto a masters degree after completing my bachelors, and I’ve made it onto the deans merit list twice!

For the first time in my life I’ve felt like I have actual meaningful talent, like I have value. I’ve come to believe that I am actually intelligent! Back when I was younger if you asked me what my best qualities were I wouldn’t have been able to answer you. I was a neurodivergent kid who grew up in the world of the primary and secondary education system, who bounced between professionals and “professionals”, who lived under the control of the biomedical gaze, and who was only able to understand themself through the language of the medical discourses that defined me by my hardship and suffering. I grew up trapped within systems that only focused on what I couldn’t do.

And so when I found myself in a system in which what I COULD do was the focus. When I found myself not being defined by my inability, but instead affirmed for my ability, I began to develop an ego and some actual self esteem. However, the issue is that when your entire positive sense of self is built upon one thing, when that singular thing is challenged (as it just has been) it is not simply a piece of your positive self image that has been challenged, it is the entirety of your self worth that gets challenged.

I know I’m not stupid, I know the fact that I didn’t get selected doesn’t mean that I wasn’t good enough (just that somebody else was better suited for the position). But this still feels like failure, and the entirety of my self esteem rests on my lack of failure.

It reminds me with a discussion I had with my therapist in which we were talking about my self esteem, and she asked me what things I liked about myself. I told her that I like to think that I’m pretty smart, and that I do well in subjects that I care about. She accepted this, but then she threw me a curveball: “What else do you like about yourself? What else do you think you’re good at? What are the other pieces that form your positive self esteem?” I couldn’t answer her, I had nothing to say, because the answer was that there wasn’t anything else.

Right now I am experiencing the effects of building your entire self esteem upon a single factor. My advice? Don’t do that, because even the smallest challenge to that idea will deal significant emotional damage to you, and it feels like shit.

I don’t know what to do now, I feel like this should be a wakeup call for me to find other sources of self esteem, to find other ways to feel like I matter, to find other things I’m good at, to discover that I have value in other ways.

But I’ve spent the vast majority of my life feeling like I don’t, like I was an issue to be solved, being told to try harder, do better, work harder, I experienced life of never feeling like I was good enough. I know that everybody is supposed to have inherent value, and that I am supposedly good enough simply by being me, but on an emotional level I feel like I can’t accept that. It feels like toxic positivity bullshit, “love yourself!!1!” feels like unhelpful bullshit, because my self-love is conditional, and it always has been. How can I “love myself” when I have not earned my own love, when I do not deserve my own love? I am told to love myself, but I don’t, and I don’t want too.

Why would I?

I’ll be ok, I always end up being ok. It just fucking sucks to be reminded that you aren’t exactly a well adjusted person, and that you don’t know what to do about that.

[retphienix]

Helldivers 2 ""wishlist"" ramble for fun :)

Just a load of thoughts from my time in the game, my observations on some of the "bugs", and my assumptions on what could be a positive addition/change purely for the sake of rambling about a game I really really really enjoy rather than pointlessly critique because "I know best" lmao

Address the ps5 crossplay damage thing (It's just weird and the inconsistency is causes is not fun to play around)

Remove crits because it's currently making armor as a whole meaningless- why slow yourself down if the game crits like half the time and makes the armor not matter? Probably the same for "headshots" on players because it's not something you can MEANINGFULLY play around so it doesn't positively add to the gameplay in my dumb opinion

Fire granting a CC effect- "scaring" small enemies (similar to how mechs seem to effect scavengers) and "stunning" all enemies caught in the flame (the shock of being caught on fire, for bots it would be a comical ineffective "pat down" on themselves to (fail to) put out the fire) Fire atm is kind of pointless, even the buffed flamethrower is mostly benefiting from the direct damage and not the 'fire'. Since it's "limited" in range / application (napalm strikes, incen grenades, flamethrower) it applying a hard CC on application sounds like a 10/10 adjustment/buff, having some unique interactions like Chargers / Hulks going FRENZY on fire could be nice as well!

Armor effects! I LOVE the armor passives system and am looking forward to more! Armor that lowers energy weapon drain for longer periods of fire! Heavy armor with a radio on the back (visual signifier not a gameplay mechanic in itself) that grants EITHER (as in 2 armor sets) faster orbital cooldown or +1 to each equipped eagle strike! Fire proof armor for the firebugs! Rubber armor for the electric inclined (or rather, their teammates 😬)! Heavy armor should grant an innate passive against staggers! A heavy armor that also grants a passive against slows (MAYBE EVEN EMS MEANING YOU CAN SPAM IT A LOT!)

Apparently Helldivers 1 had healing equipment, I'd love a heal/fix gun! Maybe I'm biased more towards fix though- I'd love a restock nanite gun SUPPORT WEAPON that can fix/reload sentries for that "engineer" playstyle lol

Normal Guard dog could be more lenient on its ammo- restocking from normal ammo pickups rather than just supplies, to grant it more usability to better compete against the infinite ammo laser dog

Some of the "weak" strikes should have less cooldowns + more "call ins per rearm"! Like the eagle strafe.

Some more stats for support weapons at the strategem table would be nice. I'm partial to "full transparency" on stats, I really am, but I respect the dedication to lesser info and the purpose they are aiming for with that- but- I think support weapons should AT LEAST share the same amount of info as the main loadout weapons. Things like the Stalwart being light armor at best, and the MG being medium- these should be directly shown on the strategem screen rather than "Support Weapon / Hellpod" <- this means nothing.

I have nearly no idea what they could do, but I want assist weapons to be buffed significantly so that duos do a LOT more and solo struggles a bit more (in some cases). As is, some duo weapons like the autocannon literally don't ever need to be duo'd- you reload just fine solo so who cares. But then other duo weapons like the recoilless are REALLY slow solo but don't exactly reach "good enough" when duo'd. Being stationary sucks- wasting a backpack on ammo instead of shields sucks- being tied together for the pack sucks, and then the payoff is JUST a reload buff which some (autocannon) don't need. Maybe having like a "safety feature" attached to the payloads that is enacted in solo reload (so they don't blow themselves up grabbing it and twisting their body) but DEACTIVATES on duo loading so all shots loaded by a partner do more damage or bigger aoe? SOMETHING to make duo firing these beasts impactful and worth the plethora of "costs".

Bug nests should count as targets for "aimed" strikes like the laser, just like fabricators. Fabricators should NOT count as targets for sentries/drones.

Either non-AP sentries need an ingame-upgrade/armor perk/overall game update to not target armor and waste all their ammo, or Chargers need to be "dumbed/selfished" down a bit so they ignore non-AP sentries unless the non-AP hurts them or is the only viable target. I think there's a lot to be said on properly using sentries, but there's also a lot to be said on the plethora of armored targets on higher difficulties making most sentries (almost all) unusable garbage. I'm aware a mention of "adjusting the amount of armored targets" has been said- that might fix it indirectly tbh.

Orbital Precision strike (and other call ins but I'm singling this one out) needs buffed. Just full on. It's slow to fire, takes too long to reload when better alternatives reload faster and do more, and it's the first thing players have- it should be "reasonably good" not "call it in and it misses the target and then you wait nearly 2 minutes to try again". I'm a big fan of how many early options are actually cracked if you use them well and learn their quirks, but this isn't one of them in comparison.

Buff the HMG emplacement (and future manned emplacements), why does the HMG do less work than the machine gun? It's a STATIONARY emplacement and it seems to have the same impact? I feel like as a stationary emplacement it could get away with even heavy armor pen tbh

Charger ass should be a weakspot. There's just no realistic reason it shouldn't be in my opinion- it's the one unarmored bit and the best it does is "normal damage", it should be flagged for explosive damages 100% bonus dam and it should get the normal 10% from everything else- meaningfully hurting them with normal weapons through proper gameplay makes more sense than practically needing to blow off their armor every time.

Shield generator relay could use a gameplay-centric buff. Something like tossing a screen on it that a player can do strategem combos into to reinvigorate the shield at will. This could make calling it down and having 1 person "overcharging it" a viable strategy to counter being overwhelmed by bots :)

Ballistic shield could go for blocking melee attacks tbh- it's literally "what if the energy shield took skill" but it's worse anyway- aiming at enemies should let you block em! Maybe in the future we could "plant" the shield to brace ourselves to block even chargers if properly positioned (unrealistic, that's a lot of heft, but maybe a future shield design that drills into the ground for a sturdy stance)

Super samples being difficulty tied, rather than difficulty "influenced" kinda sucks. Wish they were possible as rare spawns in points of interest elsewhere, with increased chances per difficulty. Also weird that they spawn in a specific poi so often like why not spread around like the others? Even just tossing supers on daily order reward tables would be nice- I just think I dislike the difficulty gate for them when higher difficulties are already rewarding in and of themselves.