#i just need to b flat chested n fit in kids clothes and i think those r both just ed things due to trauma lmaoooo

[hollowfairybabybat]

i may b stupid i just was like can u b cis n like feel ur body isnt correct unless its a certain way then i remembered i have an ed lmao

[obxsummer]

Who You Are // JJ Maybank

word count: 2.2k

pairing: jj maybank x reader

warnings: insecurities about body image, mentions of anxiety and depression (*if anyone ever needs to talk about anything, please don’t hesitate to send me a message or anon. i promise i’m not here to judge. i’ll help as best as i can*)

summary: JJ finds you deep in your head on a particularly bad day but he has zero hesitation to let you know how much he loves you.

a/n: sorry, i had to bust this out because i’m really stuck in my head tonight and needed some comfort from jj. this is written based off my opinions on my weight and how i function with it, so i’m sorry if it’s not super relatable. it’s based off the song Who You Are covered by Anna Clendening. i hope you guys still enjoy :)

masterlist

ask me anything 

--

JJ understood every little thing about you. He knew your pet peeves and your favorite things, anything that was subtle and almost invisible to anyone, JJ knew it. That was the outcome of years of friendship into a relationship, and he was just so in love with you that he needed to know these things about you.

The day started off okay. You had been woken up by the sound of birds outside, which wasn’t awful, but you couldn’t fall back asleep afterwards which meant you were a little tired. You ate a good breakfast, had a little bit of alone time until your friends called to head to the beach, but overall, it was reasonable.

The first issue came with getting ready. Since the whole group had crashed at John B’s house as usual, you didn’t pack a swimsuit to bring. Kiara had packed an extra one that you managed to wiggle into. The mirror was your enemy though.

You didn’t consider yourself skinny. Even as a younger kid, you were on the heavier side and as you grew up, your height helped, but you still weren’t in a single digit size. Honestly, depending on the day, you could pull off looking smaller depending on what you wore. You were curvy, but you certainly didn’t have Kiara’s small waist to narrow yourself out as you stared in the glass reflection. You still had stomach rolls when you sat down and you constantly tugged your clothes to make sure no skin was visible.

“She’s not stronger than me, she’s just fatter than me.”

Today just wasn’t the day to be wearing a bikini to the beach, especially with your boyfriend and close friends. You just weren’t feeling it. You tried adjusting the fabric to cover more skin since you usually hid in high-waisted bottoms, but Kiara’s low-cut cheeky style wasn’t giving you any help. With a sigh, you tugged an oversized shirt on to cover up for the time being and blinked away the tears that had formed before walking out with a smile.

“Hi, baby,” JJ greeted as you walked towards him, bag in hand with a towel in your other arm. You gave him a smile in greeting as you slid your sunglasses on, not wanting him to see the redness in your eyes from your small breakdown. “You okay?” He asked as you sat next to him.

You nodded. “I’m fine,” You tried to muster emotion into your voice so he wouldn’t notice a difference, but JJ always did. He always noticed. Leaving it alone, he wrapped an arm around your shoulder and pulled you into his side while you waited for the rest of your friends to join.

After a few brief minutes, you were walking down to the sandy beach with a cooler in tow while John B played music through Kiara’s speaker. You moved your towel so it was flat on the sand, knowing you would possibly look smaller if you laid completely down instead of sitting.

“Babe, do you want a chair?” JJ asked as he set the two he was carrying on the ground.

You shook your head. “No, I’m going to try and tan my back first.” Of course, it was a lie, but he accepted it as an answer, still watching you closely. As much as you wished you could keep your shirt on, you didn’t want the goofy tan lines or plethora of questions that would come with it. You waited until the rest of your friends piled into the ocean before pulling your shirt over your head, practically running towards your towel to lay down.

“She’s stronger and fatter than you.”

JJ watched you with curious eyes as you adjusted your suit again after laying down. He knew you were always insecure about the way your body looked and he always tried to remind you of how perfect you were, no matter what the number on the scale said or the size of the clothing you wore, but it was so much harder said than done.

“You’re beautiful,” He mumbled as he crouched down to kiss your forehead gently. “Please don’t forget that. I’ll be in the water if you need me.”

Tears burned your eyes as you watched him run away, part of you wishing he didn’t know you so well. Some days were just like this. Everything could be going perfect but one thing went wrong and you couldn’t get your head out of it.

Eventually, the sun was going down and the air was cool as Pope started up a fire for you guys. You had pulled your t-shirt back on and sat on your towel with your hands behind you to hold you up. Kiara was strumming on her ukelele while John B told some outrageous story about his surf adventures he had the other day.

JJ walked away from the cooler with two drinks in his hands. He didn’t hesitate to sit behind you on the towel, grabbing your arms so you leaned back against him as you sat in his lap. The second his arms went around your waist, however, you panicked and sucked your stomach in as far as you could.

“Your jeans look too small.”

The action didn’t go unnoticed by JJ, who instantly looked down at you in concern. He hugged you tightly, his lips pressing a kiss against your hair. He hated the fact that you were reacting this way to his touch, but he knew he couldn’t say anything until you were alone.

“I grabbed you a drink,” The blond boy mumbled as he moved to hand the alcoholic beverage to you.

You shook your head slightly, not taking it from him. Your mind had instantly switched to counting numbers: calories, sugar, carbs, any of it, all of it added up. “I’m good. Need to drink more water anyways. Thanks, bub.”

You continued to lay in JJ’s arms as you scrolled through your phone. You flew past the collection of pictures on Instagram from Sarah Cameron, only pausing to look at what Kiara had posted. JJ watched silently from your shoulder as you zoomed in on your body in the photo, analyzing every detail before looking at Kiara’s, no doubt comparing yourself silently. It only progressed when you switched to Pinterest, adding countless exercise routines and dieting ideas to a secret board once you grew bored.

“Alright, I’m going to call it a night.” You clicked your phone off and sat up. Whatever previous conversation had been going on quickly ended as your friend looked at you. You gave them a smile and grabbed the extra chairs, leaving JJ to man the towel by himself. “I’ll see you guys up there.”

“Are those new stretch marks?”

Goodbyes followed your statement as you disappeared up the sand. John B was turning to JJ in a split second once you were out of ear. “Is she okay?” He asked in concern.

JJ shook his head, wanting to go after you but knowing you would just tell him you needed some time alone. “No. No, I don’t think so, but I know whatever I say won’t make a difference. She’s so broken, you guys. It hurts me to watch her pick herself apart like this and compare herself to everyone else.”

“Is this about the swimsuit?” Kiara asked, to which JJ nodded. “I felt bad. I could tell when I handed it to her that she wasn’t down with the idea.” Kiara knew that you could pick out every single thing you thought was wrong once you were in the headspace for it. She hated the fact that you compare yourself to her, especially when she herself wished she was different. Nobody was perfect.

“I’m going to go check on her. Don’t wait up.”

Inside John B’s house, you had showered quickly before changing into your comfiest sweatpants and a giant t-shirt, wanting nothing more than to hide in your baggy clothes and try to sleep. It didn’t seem to work as the moment you climbed in bed, your mind got too loud and you couldn’t stop the tears from pouring from your eyes.

“You need a bigger size.”

“You have to stop eating.”

“It only gets worse from here.”

“What went wrong?”

“Guys don’t like girls that are fat.”

“It barely fits.”

“You’re never going to get married if you look like that.”

Not good enough.

Not good enough.

Not good enough.

Your fingers dug into your skin, your mind getting too far ahead of you as your hearing disappeared minus the sound of your ragged breathing. Your chest was tight but you could barely feel anything around you as you kicked at the sheets, digging your head into your pillow.

“Hey, hey, hey. Come on. Come here. You’re okay.” You knew it was JJ. His hands were gently as he shifted you into his lap, holding you tightly. He pressed your hand to his chest, cradling you softly. “Breathe with me. I’m right here. It’s just us. I’ve got you.”

JJ continued to count with you, waiting until you were breathing normally despite the heart-wrenching sobs escaping your throat. You shook your head as you calmed down. You loved him. You loved him more than anything, but he deserved someone so much better. Someone like Kiara who would look beautiful even when she was sick or hungover or just got out of bed. Someone like Sarah who could fit into anything you threw at her, who still looked skinny despite being in a giant sweatshirt. It wasn’t fair.

“Talk to me,” JJ whispered once you had regained enough control to slow your breathing down. “What’s going on in your head, baby?”

You clenched your eyes shut, not wanting to look at him as you explained. “It’s just really hard, you know? It’s hard to get up every day and hate my body and hate the way I look. It’s awful. I don’t have the motivation to fix it because I know I’ll never win. I look at people like Kiara and Sarah and just wonder where I went wrong? Why don’t I look like them?

“And I wonder why you’re still with me, even when I can’t fit in your clothes or-or you can’t pick me up and carry me? A-And there’s so many other girls out there that can look ways and do things that I can’t, and it-it’s not-”

JJ shushed you as you cried harder, clutching onto him like he would disappear if you let go. His own eyes burned with salty tears at your words. He hated that you felt this way. “Y/N, look at me.” You ignored his request until he moved your face to look at him. “You are absolutely beautiful. You’re perfect in your own way. You don’t have to have a tiny waist or small thighs to be pretty. You’re not Kiara, you’re not Sarah. You’re Y/N. That’s who you are, that’s the girl I fell in love with. You shouldn’t look like them. You should look like you. If you want to change any part of you, it should be on your own terms, not because you want to please the world around you.”

He kissed your forehead, holding you impossibly tighter as the two of you rocked back and forth. “Babygirl, I don’t want them. I want you. I want the girl who laughs at my stupid jokes and craves my attention. I want the girl who hugs me nonstop just to remind me that she loves me, or the girl who sends me morning text messages even if she’s laying right next to me. That’s you. That will always be you. No matter what. Although, if you stopped sharing your ice cream with me, we might have a problem.”

You laughed slightly as you leaned against his chest. Even when dealing with the darkest parts of your mind, he still knew how to make you laugh.

JJ pulled on the waistband of your sweatpants slightly before you lifted your hips, letting him pull the item from your body, leaving you in your underwear. His hands wandered to your t-shirt, sliding the fabric from your waist slightly. You froze instantly, sucking in your stomach like you did before. “Don’t do that,” JJ mumbled as he kissed you softly. “Don’t hide from me.” He didn’t push your limits though and left your shirt alone, simply tracing circles in the bare skin that was visible.

“And you’re wrong,” He said after a moment of silence. “You’re so wrong.”

You were confused as he moved to stand up and went over to the dresser in the spare room. He shuffled around for a bit before pulling out an orange hoodie. You let him pull it over your head and down your torso, the fabric warming you up. It wasn’t your clothing, it was his. His favorite sweatshirt to be exact and it smelled just like him.

Climbing into bed, JJ tugged you under the covers and pulled you to lay your head on his chest, legs intertwined as he rubbed your back. He wanted you to feel safe, and loved, and appreciated. “You’re my girl. Every inch, curve, scar, freckle of you, I love. Don’t forget that.”

“And if you ever need a reminder on how beautiful you are, I’ll make sure to tell you every single morning and every single night but even then, it wouldn’t be enough to show you how perfect you are to me.”

[shadow-assassin-blix]

Be Still, My Heart

PART 2

Marcus Pike x Tatted/Pierced!Reader

A/n: Pasts relationships are revealed. Possible hints at the future. Did I make up the story about his ex wife and gave it a little extra angst? Yeah. But is all good. Steel will heal him. 

Everything tag: @mikeisthricedeceased   

Pedro tag: @m-1234 @fioccodineveautunnale @artsymaddie​

The next morning Steel was pacing in and out of her closet, trying to figure out what to wear for her lunch date. Nothing fit right, this dress made her look fat, that one made her look like a square. That out fit had too many holes or had a strange stain? She couldn’t figure out from what??

She had thrown out half her closet onto her bed and was growing frustrated as time passed. She had showered that morning and was walking around in a robe with her hair air drying. She fiddled lightly with her lip piercing as she stared at her dwindling closet and the pile of clothes on the bed.

She had an hour left before Marcus would arrive and she had no idea what to wear. Should she wear something cute? Or should it be something comfy since they would be also be working on packing up her house? Why was this so difficult? She sighed loudly, running her hand over her face, exasperated.

She began giving herself a pep talk, “Marcus doesn’t care what you look like. You could literally wear a burlap sack and he’d think you were hot. Just grab some jeans and a cute top and go.”

She did just that after a moment of more debating, finalizing the outfit. She threw on some flats, just as she heard the doorbell ring. She moved downstairs, to the door, opening it with a smile.

Who she saw there was not who she was expecting.

“Valentina. What… what are you doing here?” She asked nervously.

“Heard you were moving. That true?” Valentina asked casually, leaning against the door-jam.

Valentina was a teenaged girl, with long dark curly hair, bright hazel eyes, and tanned skin. She looked every bit of her Latina background.

“Yes. I’m being transferred to DC. What… why are you here honey?” She questioned, her eyes darting around as she looked for any sign of oncoming trouble.

“My brother misses you. He won’t say it, but he does,” Valentina mentioned with a shrug.

Steel didn’t know what to say that. Her brother was named Felix, and he was the reason why she wound up having to leave the gang unit.

She had developed feelings for him while undercover, and when he found out she was a federal agent, he had nearly killed her and her partner.

“Sweetie… does he know you are here?” Steel inquired with a small sigh.

“No. He doesn’t. I just… I missed you too,” Valentina confessed as she fiddled with her fingers.

Steel felt her heart break a little at that.

“Honey… I miss you as well, but it’s… I…” Steel struggled to speak.

As she struggled to find the words to say to her, Marcus had pulled up, and was making his way to the door. He slowed a bit as he reached the two of them.

“Hey, who is this?” He wondered as he stopped near them.

“No one important apparently,” Valentina huffed as she turned and walked away.

Steel tried to stop her, but Valentina had picked up her pace, and disappeared down the street.

“I interrupted something important, I feel,” Marcus said uncertainly.

“It’s… a long story. Um. I can… explain over lunch,” Steel replied somewhat deflated.

She grabbed what she needed for their lunch date, her purse and phone, and locked up before leaving.

They went to a small café nearby that served sandwiches and wraps; once they had their food, they sat outside eating peacefully.

“Did… did anyone tell you why I was transferred out of the gang unit?” Steel began after a few bites into her wrap.

“No. I heard rumors, but I wasn’t going to pay them much mind. I figured you would explain it fully one day,” Marcus noted with a thoughtful look.

“I was undercover… and I fell in love with the worst possible person. The leader of this up-and-coming gang. Felix. He… could be extremely charming. I fell for him hard. I spent 3 years undercover, and when it was revealed that I was federal agent… he lost it,” She continued, staring at her wrap, no longer hungry.

“What do you mean he lost it? What did he do? Did he hurt you?” Marcus asked, concern growing with each question.

“He… badly hurt my partner and shot me. Left me for dead. I’m not going to go into details, but the damage he did to my partner was so great that… they wound up leaving the agency. I was given the choice to either transfer or take early retirement, at half benefits. We… had disgraced the agency essentially. So… here I am,” She finished with a weak smile.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that. So, the girl who came to see you, she’s…?” He gently prompted.

“His kid sister. Valentina. I adored her. She’s a good kid. Straight A student who wants to be a doctor of some sort when she grows up. I dont know why she came to me today, she heard I was moving, I guess. I was nervous cause Felix usually doesn’t let her go too far without him. Figured he had come to finish the job,” Steel shrugged, taking a somewhat shaky sip of her drink.

Marcus nodded, “She probably cares for you. If you were in her life for 3 years, she’s probably attached to you. Don’t blame her. You are pretty wonderful.”

Steel smiled, looking away at the compliment. They finished their meal, silently. Steel had lost a great deal of her appetite and had only had a couple more bites, before giving up entirely.

They got into Marcus’ car; however, Marcus didn’t start it. He looked at her for a moment.

“Where would she be at this time?” Marcus asked her.

“Huh? Where would who be?” She was confused.

“Valentina. Where would she be at, at this time of day?” Marcus clarified.

“Probably home. Why?” She was still confused.

“Listen. In less than a month, you will be in DC. Do you want to leave here, knowing that she’s still upset about what happened or do you want to give her some sort of closure?” He insisted as he looked at her softly.

Steel was silent for a moment. She quietly told him the address, knowing on some level he had a point.

30 minutes later, they were parked outside a large apartment complex, and she could see many gang members walking around. Toward the center, she spotted Valentina…with Felix. She hated that as she looked at him, her heart still raced.

“Do me a favor… stay in the car please. I can’t lose another partner. Or someone else I care a great deal for. So, no matter what happens… stay here,” She quietly pleaded with him.

She stepped out, taking a deep breath. She strode forward toward Valentina, wincing slightly as she noticed that the conversations all around her dying as people recognized her.

“Valentina,” She called out, once she was close.

Valentina whipped her head toward her, staring at her surprised, before she rushed over to hug her.

“Why are you here? Did you come here to see me? Or Felix?” Valentina rattled off questions left and right.

However, her questions went in one ear and out the other as she made eye contact with Felix, who stared at her with a confusing look. Part of him looked angry, and another part…looked oddly… relieved to see her?

“I’m just here to talk to Valentina for a moment. Is that okay?” She requested as her body tensed when he started to move toward her.

He simply nodded his head. She pulled Valentina someplace quiet, away from the others to talk. She tried to explain everything that had happened between her and her brother. About who she was, her job and such. Valentina listened to her, and when she was done, Valentina said she understood.

“I get it… I also know… you wouldn’t have arrested my brother. You love him. Or you did. But you also love me and know that he’s the only family I have and arresting him would lead to me being in the foster system. And we both know you wouldn’t allow that, so you’d probably adopt me… well. Damn. Now that I think about it that’d be cool…” Valentina rambled.

“Language. And you are probably right… I wouldn’t have arrested him… which is somewhat problematic as a federal agent. I just… needed to let you know… that just because we aren’t together anymore…doesn’t mean I stopped caring about you,” She assured in a low voice.

“In fact…” She trailed off as she grabbed Valetina’s phone.

She tapped in her new phone number, saving it as a new contact.

“If you are ever in trouble, call me, text me, send a pigeon with a scroll. I don’t care. The second you are in trouble and Felix can’t get you out of it, you get ahold of me. No matter how far I am or what time it is, I will come help you, okay?” Steel assured her as she handed the phone back to her.

Valentina nodded rapidly, throwing her arms around her neck, in a tight hug. Steel returned the embrace just as tightly.

“Okay. I gotta go. I have to continue packing up stuff and I’m making everyone a little too nervous,” Steel tells her as they pulled away.

Steel escorted her back to Felix, not saying anything to him as she walked back to Marcus’ car.

When she was safely inside his car, and they were driving away, she took a shaky breath.

“Feel better?” Marcus asked curiously.

“Yeah. Gave her my number in case anything ever happened. One day Felix will wind up in jail or worse dead, and she’s going to be alone. The foster system is a rough way of life, especially for teenagers. I… I don’t want her to feel abandoned,” Steel explained, trying to calm her nerves.

Marcus reached over and held one of her hands, his thumb brushing over the back of her hand, soothingly.

“I’m sure she appreciates it. In some ways, Felix probably does too, knowing you’d look out for her. For now… there’s not much you can do,” Marcus said pressing a kiss to her hand, trying to help her calm down.

She had been so nervous and even as she had spoke to Valentina, she worried someone would try to do something to her. Now that she was out of the life-threatening situation, her body was catching up with her mind. Her hands were shaking, and her heart felt like it was trying to escape her chest. It took a few minutes before she was finally able to breathe easy.  

Marcus took her home, and as promised, helped her pack up more of her house. He laughed when he saw the state of her bedroom though.

“Did a tornado attack your closet, honey?” He joked gently bumping his hip to hers.

“I… I wanted to look nice for you… but I couldn’t…figure out what to wear… Not going to lie… you make me nervous… Keep hoping I won’t mess up and scare you off,” She stated bashfully.

Marcus stared at her in awe for a moment, “I make you nervous? Hell… here I was… afraid I’d scare you off.”

“Guess it’s a good thing that we agreed to take this slow then eh?” Steel weakly joked.

Marcus pulled her close, arms resting around her waist. She placed her hands on his biceps, as he held her to him.

“Look. We both… have had rough time in the relationship department. I’m sure… you heard about me and Lisbon. You may have also heard that I am divorced,” Marcus started, his hands rubbing soft circles into her back.

“Yeah. I have. Still trying to figure out the whys because you are… amazing, and sweet. I don’t understand how 2 different women left you,” Steel ranted slightly.

“Lisbon and me…. It was doomed from the beginning I feel. She was just… in denial about her feelings for Jane.  My ex-wife… when we first started off, I worked at an art museum, I had been an art major in college, and life was… dull essentially. I was recruited by a federal agent that frequented the museum and my wife… was okay with it… at first. She slowly drifted away. She had actually begun to see someone else. I was upset, but I thought… it was just because she was lonely. That if I tried to stay home more maybe that would fix things. It didn’t. So, divorce,” Marcus explained wincing at the faces Steel made.

“She…. Cheated on you. She… what? I… You know… I hope I never meet her, cause I will punch her. Repeatedly. With a chair. It would be one thing… if she left because she couldn’t handle this life. I get it, it’s not an easy life. But she cheated on you,” Steel couldn’t fathom it.

“I’ve long since gotten over it, but I felt since you had revealed something rather personal, you deserved to know something about me. Now that the awkwardness is out of the way… let’s see if we can put your closet back together,” Marcus changed the subject, trying to move away.

“Oh no. C’mere,” She stopped, grabbing him by the front of his shirt.

She pulled him down toward her kissing him. She felt him chuckle a moment before he returned the kiss. The kiss was slow and sweet, slowly building in passion. Her arms wound themselves around his neck, keeping him close.

When they finally pulled apart, their breathes were heavy.

“I don’t know what you are used to, but I can tell you one thing. I would never cheat on you or make you feel second best. If we have a problem, we will talk it out like normal adults, with some pouting and a dash of brooding,” Steel said with a laugh.

“Agreed. I would never hurt you; I hope you know that. Physically or otherwise,” He assured her, looking her in the eyes.

She nodded with a smile, “Now… as much as I would love to just keep kissing you… I really need my clothes off my bed.”

Marcus laughed and began to help her re-hang her clothes. Once her closet was sorted, and she had usable bed again, they made their way back downstairs. They had gotten most of the lower half packed up, the only thing that was left to do was the kitchen. There was a moving company that worked closely with the agency, and Marcus had kindly made sure they added her to the list of people needing to move at the end of the month.

Marcus left before 5, needing to take care of somethings at his place; he left her with a kiss on the cheek, telling her he’d see her tomorrow.

When he left, she checked her phone to see that she had some missed messages. As she looked at them, she realized they were from Valentina.

‘Hi! It’s Valentina’

‘I’m bored.’

‘Felix keeps asking about you. I told him what we talked about. I hope that’s okay?’

She texted her back saying that it was okay.

‘Cool. He might… text you… he keeps looking at my phone.’

Steel quietly sighed, ‘if he does, it’s fine. My concern is you. Not him.’

‘I know. He’d never say it, but he looked relieved when I told him you’d look out for me.’

‘I care about you, even if your brother is an ass. Now, it’s late and a school night. Go finish your homework’ Steel texted her knowing her well.

‘How do you know I have homework?’

‘Because I know you and procrastinating ways. Go do it, eat, and then go to bed.’ Steel replied with a shake of her head.

‘Fiiiinnnneee. Love u.’

‘Love u 2’ she ended the conversation with a sad smile.

She spent the rest of the evening moving boxes around and situating. Making sure heavy boxes were on the ground, and lighter ones stacked on top. She was trying to make it as easy possible, and make sure she didn’t have a 100 tripping hazards.

When it was all said and done, it was close to 9pm. She ate something light before bed, promising herself to get up early and eat a good breakfast to make up for today.

She went to bed, the day’s events hitting her hard. She had been laying down for barely 5 minutes before she was out. Unbeknownst to her… come morning things were going to go downhill quickly.

[rivetwrites]

hello! if it’s not too much trouble, could i have fluff alphabet with tsumugi?

//yeah!! i could give it a go!!

------------------------------------------

Tsumugi Shirogane Fluff Alphabet

A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

Tsumugi adores making clothes and shopping for supplies, so she would definitely drag you along with her! Once you’re home from shopping, she would love to make a new fit for you, talking about an anime she’s been watching recently as she sews away at her machine.

B eauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

Patience is the number one thing to have with her. She zones off often, and would ignore you and the environment around her, so you’d have to have a bit of patience to help her get out of her head so she doesn’t get hurt or something. She would love for you to share the same passions as her as well! She loves having discussions about new animes or mangas that came out with you!

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

She’s very good at making small, quick snacks with your favourite drink, and she would sit you down and rest her chin on your shoulder as you ate and vented to her. She may have the tendency to zone off while you talk sometimes, but she somehow remembers everything you said to her and would offer some advice or a distraction!

D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

As she does daydream a lot, she plans to get a studio flat with you and to have a cat or something. Kids aren’t really for her, as they can get very messy and she couldn’t bare the thought of one of them ruining her clothing. But if you wanted children, you’d have to make sure they wouldn’t have access to her sewing area.

E qual - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

She’s on the fence for both passive and dominant, so she would sometimes lead the relationship. She doesn’t believe in a dominant one in the relationship however, she believes it should be equal.

F ight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

Tsumugi isn’t an aggressive person, nor someone who would start fights often. Most fights spring off of her not paying attention to what you said, or how she seems uninterested. She’d apologize immediately, telling you that wasn’t her intention. She rarely ever gets upset at you, but if you do, fixing your mistake would be a great enough apology for her.

G ratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

She’s very grateful for everything you do! Especially if you remind her to eat while she’s having an anime marathon while sewing a new bow for a cosplay. She loves making you small cloth hearts and hide them in your pockets, or under your pillow. She believes they’d give you good luck!!

H onesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

Tsumugi never really has anything to hide, she’s a rather open person. She’s fantastic at keeping secrets, but she’ll sometimes have to be reminded that they’re your secrets, and they she can’t hint at them when you’re talking to friends.

I nspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

She’d help you be more confident in yourself! She loves making you clothes to wear, ones that are as beautiful as you. She compliments you every chance she gets, like how wonderful you look that day. For her, you probably helped her with being more focused. She always has trouble with focusing on things, but a little nudge from you would get her out of her head.

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

She’s very mellow, and she trusts you a lot, so she’s never jealous. She’d sometimes remind the person you’re talking to that yes, you two are indeed dating and not for grabs, but that would be all.

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

She loves kisses!! Though she’s pretty tall, so forehead kisses are her go-to. For your first kiss with her, she had to bend down to kiss your lips. Foreheads bonked slightly, but she laughed it off. She doesn’t believe in a “bad first kiss,” all first kisses are awkward, so she would never hold it against you.

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

Tsumugi definitely confessed first, pulling you to her chest as she said her confession. She never really confessed to anyone, so she did what she saw in animes. It was slightly awkward, but she was relieved that you accepted her.

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

She would love to be married! But she wouldn’t want a huge, huge wedding. She would be the one to propose, since she feels very confident that you’ll say yes! The wedding consisted of family and friends, quite a bit of people. She did have a lot of cosplay friends. She even designed your wedding gown/suit!!

N icknames - What do they call their s/o?

She’d call you sweet little nicknames like, “my little S/O,” or, “sweetie.” Most likely, she’s taller than you, and she loves it!! She adores the names you give her as well, especially the cute, silly ones.

O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

Tsumugi loves hugs, so she’d pull you into your lap, no matter your size, and hold you in her arms. She’d rest her chin on your shoulder or the top of your head and tell you how much she appreciates everything you do for her.

P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

She doesn’t mind PDA at all! She holds your hand while she drags you along a convention, giving you hugs and kisses as you two would pose for pictures. She’s not at all embarrassed by affection. She wouldn’t necessarily brag, but she’d tell everyone who would listen about how amazing you are.

Q uirk - Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship.

You never have to worry about what you’re going to wear that day, she has your guys’ outfits planned out for the month. She has amazing fashion sense, even though she says it’s a bit “plain.” She’d almost never allow you to wear something that would make you uncomfortable, believing that your comfort is above all.

R omance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

She loves clichés! She’d give you flowers every date you go on, chocolates, some jewelry, anything! Tsumugi thrives off of clichés, even if they make you feel like you’re in some sappy romance movie!

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

Absolutely!! She was able to reach her passion as a successful cosplayer, so she will help you reach yours!! She’ll be your Ultimate cheerleader if she has to!

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

Tsumugi isn’t too keen on trying extravagant things out, so she would like to keep it simple. Sure, she loves cheesy, romantic dates, but she wouldn’t go out of her way to plan a huge surprise or something. Sometimes, you two would stay home just to watch anime together while eating some junk food and gushing about the characters.

U nderstanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

She could be a bit better at listening, but she’s very empathetic and would help you the best she can. She’s also not the best at noticing changes in your moods, so you would have to tell her that you’re not feeling the best. She’d pick you up and plop you on the couch and have you tell her what’s bothering you.

V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

She values you a whole bunch!! You’ve always been her cheerleader and her support, so she would return the favour! Your relationship with her is priceless and nothing would change that.

W ild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

Tsumugi will sometimes lay her head in your lap as she talks about something she was currently interested, letting you play with her long hair as she spoke. Your nails against her scalp would cause her to slowly fall asleep in your lap. She’s a very heavily sleeper, so good luck trying to get her off of you.

X OXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

She’s very affectionate! She loves to cuddle you during bedtime, or when you two are hanging out together, stealing small kisses to your face as you talk to her.

Y earning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

Her mind is usually somewhere else whenever your gone, whether it would be on a new cosplay she was thinking about making, or a new anime episode that came on. Once you come back, all of her thoughts come out of her mouth as she tells you what she was thinking the entire time you were gone.

Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

She’ll do everything in her power to make sure you are happy and comfortable in the relationship. If you’re not happy, she wouldn’t be happy either. Yours and hers happiness come first.

[queerhargreeves]

hi again :)) Trans!diego is near and dear to my heart and this is me projecting/venting my dysphoria onto my angel boys and nb love. this could be really triggering so pls read w caution ! yet another fic written too late at night on little sleep

———————————————————————————

Diego woke up with a jolt as he frantically eyed his room. He looked over at the clock which read “2:26 AM”. He sighed, running a hand down his face. Waking up during the wee hours of 2 - 4 AM had become an unfortunate common occurrence lately. After successfully avoiding the end of the world it was sort of difficult to think about life clearly again. He’d become a bit lost on what he wanted to do. He knew he couldn’t play pretend cop forever just like he knew the Umbrella Academy couldn’t last forever. Even if they had come together to save the lives of billions.

However it took about two more seconds before he registered the dampness beneath him. He froze, the smell of dead skunk quickly slapping him in the face.

Silently, Diego stood up. The sticky/damp feeling growing to be too uncomfortable. He turned on a lamp to assess the damage. His baby blue sheets looked like a murder scene.

When he had his first period, Grace was the person who helped him. Diego has had to walk into the kitchen with stained sheets in hand and eyes red on more than one occasion. She would understand immediately every single time. She’d put a hand on his cheek and wipe any tears that remained.

“Accidents happen Diego - even to big, strong men like yourself. I’ll go ahead and put these in the wash. Go have a seat and I’ll make you some tea.” She’d kiss his forehead and would go off with her duties. Diego always would go back to bed feeling more content than he did when he awoke.

Diego let out a whimper and immediately wrapped his hands around his stomach. Diego’s cycles were always the worst out of the Hargreeves siblings. He had hoped that going on testosterone would stop his mensuration but alas he wasn’t so lucky. Of course he wasn’t. Testosterone did however make his periods far and few between. He had gone a year and a half without a period just to have a 2 month long cycle. The unknown was the worst part. When he had his unexpected periods he suffered all of the symptoms and then some.

He quickly disposed of his underwear and sweat pants and threw them in a bag along with his sheets to inspect the damage. He came to the conclusion that shark week took victim on yet another pair of perfectly good underwear, pj’s, and sheets.

He set the bag aside and walked over to his dresser. He got ahold of another pair of sweatpants and underwear and shuffled into the bathroom, uncomfortable in his now complete nudity. Once inside he took a look at himself in the mirror. His face was rugged, jaw sharp. He had facial hair, thick brows, and two scars underneath his chest. His flat chest. He looks like the epitome of masculinity. Diego should see a man looking back at him. But all he sees is the little girl his father oh so wanted him to be. He saw the little kid with bangs and long hair in that stupid uniform. He saw that little kid that hated being called “she”. His vision started to blur and he blinked violently. He let the tears stream down his face as he choked back a sob. He couldn’t do this now.

Diego shook his head and slapped his cheeks, focusing back to the task at hand. He quickly opened the sink drawer and found the black box hidden in the very back. Opening it he grabbed a pad and placed the box back where it belonged.

For Christmas one year Klaus had bought Diego special briefs that were made for pads. His sibling learned that tampons made him even more dysphoric - the thought of anything being “inside” of him was too much to handle. They were 17 and Klaus had helped him get through a particularly bad episode. He was always thankful for him for that even when Klaus insisted on calling them his “best sibling ever rescue briefs”.

Diego placed the pad in his underwear and slipped the pair on, sweatpants quickly after. He washed his hands and made his way out of the bathroom, avoiding the mirror. His reflection was a little too much to handle right now.

Without the damp clothes on he already felt a bit better. Diego knew he probably wouldn’t be sleeping anytime soon; he never did when he had these accidents. Diego grabbed the bag and walked out of his room and made his way towards the kitchen as quietly as he could.

As walked down the stairs he saw that the kitchen light was still on.

“Huh.” Diego thought to himself. His mom was already asleep as is everyone else in the house. Or so he assumed.

He turned the corner and into the kitchen to find Klaus in nothing but tiny silk shorts that probably belonged to Allison. They had a cup of tea in their hands and they were chatting softly to the seat next to them. They seemed to be in a pretty deep conversation seeing as they didn’t notice Diego.

Finally Klaus made a little “wha” sound and whipped their head around.

“Oh! Guten morgen brother!” Klaus chimed with a grin on their face.

“What brings you down here?”

Diego swallowed, his voice and brain trying to process what he wants to say.

“I-I uh,” Diego shifted his gaze, not wanting to make eye contact. Even after all these years, after all that Klaus had seen, he still felt ashamed when he was vulnerable.

“Shark week.” Diego signed, sliding his pointer finger straight across his palm. He didn’t quite trust his words yet.

Klaus’ smile quickly turned into a look sympathy, their muscles softening. They knew how bad their brother hurt when this happened. They got up from their seat and walked over to Diego, linking their elbow with his and walked him over to the table.

“I’m going to get you some Advil and make you a cup of tea, alright? You sit tight, sir. Ben will keep you company.” Klaus took a deep breath and clenched his fists. Blue light emitted from them and slowly their brother appeared in the seat across from Diego. Over the months of sobriety and training, Klaus had gotten a lot stronger in their abilities. It didn’t take nearly as much out of them to manifest their brother. They just couldn’t do it for 12+ hours at a time. Klaus took the bag from Diego’s hand and disposed of the remnants of his items.

Ben had a welcoming smile on his face as he pat Diego’s shoulder.

“How are you?” Ben asked softly, his eyes never leaving Diego’s gaze.

“P-pai-pain.” Diego choked weakly, wanting nothing more than to look away. But he knew his brother wasn’t there to judge or hurt him. Ben, other than Klaus, was the only other person who could understand some what of what he was going through. Ben never felt at peace with his body either, his “demons” hurt him. Physically and emotionally.

The hooded man nodded, “You know what I mean Diego,” Ben started. He chose his next words carefully, “How are you dealing with this? It’s been what....7 months since your last one?”

Diego shook his head, “N-nine mo-onths. Glor-g-glorious months.”

Klaus walked over to their siblings with 3 advil PM’s in one hand and a hot cup of chamomile tea in the other. They placed them in front of Diego, taking a seat next to him. He popped the pills in his mouth wordlessly and swallowed.

“If you don’t want to talk about this it’s fine, I understand. But,” Klaus put their finger under Diego’s chin and turned his head so they were making eye contact, “you know we’re always here for you. The even numbers gotta stick together, yeah?” They winked, removing their hand from his chin and back into their lap.

Diego’s vision blurred once more and he felt his cheeks heat up. He took a shaky breath as he tried to regain his composure.

“Diego it’s okay. I promise it’s okay.” Ben reassured his brother. He knew he needed time to process his thoughts when he got like this.

“Y-you’d th-th-think aft-after all th-these years I-I-I,” he let a sob escape his lips, his whole body jerked as he did so, “I’d b-be u-u-used to th-th-this. I’m f-f-fucking thirty!” Diego exclaimed, slamming a fist on the table.

“Diego you shouldn’t have to get used to feeling like your body doesn’t belong to you.” Klaus took their brothers hand, leaning down so they could attempt to lock eyes.

“Your body is yours and it’s a wonderful body. It’s a strong body. Its a talented body, one that can do things not a lot others can. It’s saved the world before too, ya know? It has a lot of memories written on it.” Klaus ran their thumb along the scar on Diego’s eyebrow.

“You are you and that’s all we could ever ask you to be.” Ben expressed, his tone steady.

His siblings kind affirmations were proving to be too much for Diego to handle. He broke down even more, his body shaking violently. Ben got up and walked around the table to his brother. He immediately wrapped his arms around the sobbing man, cherishing the fact he was able to comfort his siblings again. Klaus quickly followed suit.

Klaus and Ben gave each other an expectant look and then a nod. After a few minutes of their embrace, Diego’s sobs slowly started to subside. They silently stood up and put their hand on their brothers back.

“Diego we’re gonna have a cuddle pile, okay?” Klaus inquired even though they knew Diego would have no problem with it.

Diego nodded and they made their way up the stairs and into the “cuddle room”, a term Ben coined. It was one of the many guest rooms in this giant house however this one had a full king size bed. Aka a bed big enough to fit 3 grown adults.

This room had been their safe haven growing up. It had been Klaus’ when he woke up screaming, his nightmares not having left him in his sleep. It has been Ben’s when his demons were hurting and taunting him so much he felt like he couldn’t breathe. And it had been Diego’s when his body worked against him. They were always there for each other.

Ben opened the door and they made their way to the large bed, the three of them finding comfort in the familiar fluffy light yellow comforter. Diego crawled in first with Ben to his left and Klaus to his right.

“Is this okay?” Klaus asked, their voice barely above a whisper. Their arm hovered above Diego’s mid section, ready to back off if needed.

Diego mumbled out a “Mmm” and Klaus happily dropped their arm. Ben nuzzled up on the other side and followed suit, wrapping his arm around his brother.

The three of them fell asleep within minutes. Klaus nightmare-less, Diego content, and Ben relishing in their touch. This was the best night sleep they had gotten in a while.

[jamesbvck]

lost & found | b. barnes | part five

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader (AU, Bartender!Bucky) Summary: Being lost was something foreign to you. Beginning a new life was an uphill battle. Being found was a surprise, especially unexpectedly by a man his own questionable past. Word Count: 3k Warnings: fluff, mention of mental abuse, mention of drunk driving. A/N: Welcome to part five! Feedback? :)

MASTERLIST | TAG FORM

Mornings were always rough. You had never truly considered yourself a morning person, but you didn’t necessarily hate them either. You’d much rather stay curled up in bed with the blanket tucked under your chin and head nestled into the pillow. But alas, work called and it was time to get up for the day. Money was to be made and customers were to be served.

There was a bounce in your step as you hopped into the shower. The warm water dripped down your skin, as you hummed an old song. Corinne had taken notice of the change in your demeanour over the last week. She knew it was because of Bucky and whatever bond you had formed with him. While she was cautious, she had to admit it was nice to see you so happy. You deserved to be happy.

You arrived to work just as Wanda did, and the two of you exchanged a few words as you walked inside. You placed your belongings out the back, grabbed your waist apron, and headed out to do your routine tasks until customers trickled in. Idly you swept, humming again. Hayley, one of the new part-time girls that was recently hired, straightened up the stools and tables, giving them a wipe down. You liked her. She was funny and kind, a new friend.

“It’s really unfair.”

You glanced over at her, raising a brow. “What’s unfair?”

Hayley nonchantanty motioned to Bucky across the way. He was guiding an electrician taking a look at a few of the lighting fixtures that hadn’t been working properly. His long hair was tied up into a bun, and his strong arms were folded over his chest as he explained the situation to the older man. His navy blue three-quarter length shirt fit him just slightly too tightly.

“Someone call Calvin Klein and get that man an underwear campaign, stat!” Hayley sighed dreamily.

Your eyes stayed glued to Bucky for another moment. You felt captured under a spell. It wasn’t necessarily bad to think your boss was good looking. After all, he was your friend. You had hung out outside of work as friends, so it was cool. You texted, and maybe one time (two times) it was until three in the morning. Friends did that all the time. Totally cool.

“He’s single, right?”

“Uh,” you shrugged. “I don’t know.”

You fibbed.

Hayley began to ponder aloud. Your mind autoset into your own thoughts, curious to see if she was going to make a move, and worried that she actually would. Something twanged in the pit of your stomach thinking about it, and you knew it was not pleasant. Your grip around the broom grew tighter until you internally rationalized the situation. By the time you refocused, Hayley was with Bucky, the electrician gone to get some tools out of his truck.

Oh.

Again, you rationalized. Taking the broom and dustpan, you returned them to the storage closet. You were unable to keep a frown from forming and felt stupid for it. Truthfully, you didn’t even know what you wanted from Bucky. Friendship? Companionship? Guidance? The sense of hope that not all men were god awful? Maybe all of it wrapped together with a pretty bow? You shook your head, deciding you were being completely ridiculous. Nothing was owed to you, nor did you owe anyone anything. At least he was in your life.

Before leaving, you grabbed new fibre cloths from the shelving and a spray bottle of cleaning solution. You pulled the door shut, turning around to see Bucky looking at you with amused eyes. Your knees nearly buckled.

“Hi…?” you said, blinking at him.

“I was wondering how long you were going to stand in there for,” he spoke. “You okay?”

You nodded, regaining yourself to smile at him. “Little tired, but I’m fine.”

Bucky nodded too. “Good, that’s good. That’s great!”

You tilted your head, trying to not laugh at his apparent eagerness. He seemed chipper and in a bright mood. It was quite adorable to see. “Okay, well, I’m gonna go do some employee stuff.”

“I guess I’ll go do some boss stuff,” he replied. You slipped around him, brushing arms. You looked over your shoulder and caught Bucky’s eyes. Something in your chest swelled and you bit back a grin. These were murky waters and you knew not to swim in them, but damn, they were intriguing.

Clint sat at the bar for the majority of your shift. He was filled with stories, and spoke about his kids and his beautiful wife. You loved listening, but at the same time, your gaze kept travelling over to Bucky whenever he madea brief appearance. You couldn’t help it and it was dead obvious to Clint. He took a lengthy sip of his beer, setting the bottle down on the round coaster.

“You and Barnes, yeah, I could see it,” he commented. You scowled. “You keep making eyes at him.”

“I don’t make eyes, Clint.”

He leaned back in his chair. “Look, I really don’t give a shit. Like him, don’t like him. But life’s too short to hide behind what ifs and maybes. Don’t look now, but Barnes is staring at you, too. Trust me, he can be pretty stupid, so if you’re gonna move, move.”

You hadn’t expected this from Clint. He was encouraging and at the same time giving you life advice. Perhaps he was right, life was too short to be scared of something. You sighed, picking up his bottle to see there was barely any liquid left.

“Do you want another one?”

Clint checked the time. “Probably shouldn’t, gotta go pick up the kids from school.” He dug into his back pocket and retrieved some cash. “You coming to Stark’s party?”

“What party?” You took the money, exchanging it for his change. You didn’t even know Tony Stark. You only heard the guys talk about him every now and then, and your sister worked for his billion dollar company.

“Stark’s Annual Fourth of July Bash…” his voice trailed and his face contoured into something mischievous. “Why don’t you ask Barnes about it.”

“Clint.”

“What ifs and maybes,” he mused, waving as he left the bar.

It was noted that Clint and Sam were definitely the ones that gave people a hard time out of spite. You muttered to yourself, swiping the bottle and putting it in an empty beer case. You occupied yourself for the next hour until your shift ended.

Bucky was in his office, chair leaned back and his thumb scrolling through his phone. Quietly you approached the door way, bag over your shoulder as you leaned against the framing. He didn’t notice you to start, and that was perfectly fine. You liked watching his brows scrunch together and his eyes squint at his phone.

“You’re going to need glasses if you keep squinting.”

He looked over, lowering his phone to the desk. “Steve tells me that, too.”

“Well, he’s right.”

Bucky chuckled. “I’m glad you stopped in before you left, wanted to ask if you would like to get some food.”

Never in your life had you said no to food. It must have been a given, since you nodded rapidly and a wide grin spread across his face. He picked up his phone, tucked it into his pocket, and tidied up his desk before flicking off the light and locking the door. He caught Wanda before leaving and she was more than fine with locking up when it was closing time. Bucky led the way out.

“How do you feel about Chinese food?”

“I’m good with that,” you replied, following him down the street.

There was a place around the corner from Bucky’s studio apartment. It was small, and a little sketchy looking, but Bucky swore it was the best you were going to get in Brooklyn. You let him order whatever, you weren’t picky. You helped him carry the two full brown paper bags back to his place. He kicked off his boots and set the bag onto his coffee table.

“What do you want to drink?” Bucky asked.

“Water’s fine.”

This was the second time you were in his home. You examined it more. There was a long three seater couch and a matching armchair to the right of it. He had a TV console with a flat screen perched on top, and a few art pieces hung on the wall. His large bed sat back against a brick wall off to the west side near the wall of windows that let the light pour in. There were notebooks scattered around, some vinyls and a recorded player off to the side. It was a rather clean home.

You set down the bag and plopped yourself onto the floor, beginning to take things out. Bucky returned with plates and two glasses of water. “Are we going to eat on the floor?”

“Why not?” you smiled.

He got himself to the ground, letting you choose what you wanted first. “What’s this Stark Party?”

Bucky reached for the beef and broccoli, scooping some onto his plate. “Your sister didn’t tell you about it?”

“No, Clint mentioned it this afternoon but didn’t elaborate too much.”

“Tony has this party every year on the fourth. It’s kind of a big deal, I guess. I get dragged to it by Steve. It’s on his yacht.”

A yacht? You weren’t even sure why you were surprised. Of course a billionaire had a yacht and would invite people aboard to get drunk on. The idea seemed fascinating, though. Spending a holiday on a big boat, drinks, a view of the entire city and to end the night with fireworks. It was almost romantic, in a sense.

“Are you gonna go?” he asked.

“I don’t even know him,” you murmured. “That’d be weird if I just showed up.”

Bucky shook his head. “You know people he knows. You can be Corinne’s plus one.”

“I could be your plus one.”

The words slipped out of your mouth before you could process anything. It was really meant to be a joke. Realistically, you could have been Steve’s plus one, or even Sam’s. However, Bucky didn’t seem too fazed by it. He was spooning rice onto his plate and grabbing the mini soy sauce packets.

“You could,” he agreed a moment later. His eyes peeked through a few loose strands of hair that had gotten away from his messy bun. Thankfully, your words weren’t a total disaster.

I would, you thought.

Bucky had put on some music to fill in the gaps of silence while you ate. You weren’t too sure what it was, but it was soothing and had semblance to jazz. It felt like you were far away, lost in a small European town with cobblestones and beautiful buildings. You ate, briefly chatting but mainly listening to the record. Bucky packed away the leftovers, taking the plates to to the sink. You leaned back onto your hands, looking around. Your eyes landed on a framed picture of him, Steve, and Sam. It looked to be an older photo, Bucky had shorter hair and all of their faces were younger. It brought a smile to your lips. Bucky and Sam were laughing and Steve was trying not to crack a smile, but failing miserably.

“What’s this from?” You took the frame and showed it to Bucky.

“First Christmas while we were shipped out,” he replied. “Can’t remember the full context, but it had to have been making fun of old man Steven.”

You laughed quietly, turning the picture back to you. Bucky was slightly leaned over in the picture, smiling widely, and you swore you could hear his laughter. There were dog tags swinging from around his neck and his plain white t-shirt was ruffled.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.” Bucky dried his hands on a kitchen cloth, moving back to the living room.

Carefully you placed the frame back from where you got it, settling down on the rug again. “I’ve never seen you wear a t-shirt, or anything with shorter sleeves. Do you have something against them?” You attempted to play it lightly. Maybe he just didn’t like t-shirts. People went through clothing phases and that was fine. Maybe it wasn’t on trend for men’s clothing, you didn’t know.

Bucky shifted, stretching his legs out as he leaned against the couch. He was quiet, you waited.

“Well, I can tell you I do own t-shirts. I don’t discriminate,” the corner of his lip turned up for a half second. “A few years back I wasn’t great, you know, during that bad time I told you about. I made the really stupid decision of drinking and getting on my bike. Steve told me not to do it, I was too stubborn and angry at something, did it anyway. Didn’t even make it down the road before I got out of control, skidded along the pavement.”

Bucky held out his left arm and rolled up the sleeve as far as it could go. Along his biceps was scarring that went to his elbow. You shuffled yourself closer to get a clearer look. You couldn’t imagine how awful that must have been for him. You raised your hand and gently glided the tips of your fingers over some of the scar tissue. To you it didn’t look so bad, but to Bucky it was something that he had to deal with physically every day.

“I was in the hospital for a few days, had my license taken away for a bit. Probably was a blessing in disguise, I started to smarten up.” Bucky looked to you. “Maybe I’m ashamed. I don’t want strangers to look at me funny when I walk down the street.”

“Scars of our past redefine who we are, but we get to choose who we want to become,” you murmured, dropping your hand to your lap. “Trust me, I know all about that.”

You could see in Bucky he was curious about your words. Your fingers coiled into your palms, squeezing, then releasing. “His name was Brock,” you started. “He was my boyfriend, but he was also my worst nightmare. I thought everything that went wrong was my fault, only because he told me it was. I thought the reasons why he would yell at me, taunt me, mentally damage me were my fault. And I believed I deserved it.”

Bucky was at a loss for words. You fiddled with the hem of your shirt, avoiding eye contact as you spoke about all the tragedies and the downfall of your three year relationship with a monster. “Getting out was hard. I packed my bag but I was too afraid to leave, I was too afraid of the abandonment. I was too afraid of losing what I called ‘my person’. I thought he was that. But he wasn’t. Luckily Corinne was coming back home for a visit and she ripped me out of there without any barriers. I owe her so much.”

His hand reached out, and using his thumb, he swiped away a stray tear from your cheek that had fallen. You hadn’t even noticed.

“He can’t hurt you anymore,” Bucky said.

“I know,” you replied. “Restraining order is in full effect. But his words are still in my head. Some days are hard, some days are great. Today’s a good day.”

The jazz music had drifted off, the vinyl ending. Bucky subconsciously rubbed his blemished arm before slowly moving to his feet. He turned on the TV, handing you the remote to find something to watch on Netflix. He left to go change and you crawled your way up onto the couch, flicking through the title cards of the tv shows and movies. You put on a baking competition show, hoping Bucky wouldn’t mind too much.

He re-entered wearing grey sweatpants and a black t-shirt. It was true, he didn’t discriminate. It made you feel good, like maybe he trusted you enough to be himself, he didn’t need to hide his insecurity. He also didn’t seemed bothered by your tv selection; in fact, he was rather into it, making comments. The more episodes that rolled over into one another, the closer your body grew to Bucky’s. He was warm, a little squishy under all that toned muscle. Your eyes drooped, unwilling to stay awake to see who was making it to round three.

Upon awakening, the TV was turned off and there was a single light on. It was dark as your eyes adjusted. A blanket was draped over your body, a pillow under your head. You glanced around before reaching out to search for your phone. Time: 12:54AM. A silent yawn slipped from your mouth, and you sat up on the couch. Admittedly, you were slightly sad Bucky hadn’t been there with you. It didn’t take you long to see he was in his bed, turned onto his side with one arm hanging off the edge.

You had three options: the first, going home to your own bed (probably the best one not to worry Corinne), the second was laying back down on the comfy couch and drifting back off, and the third (and most appealing) was scooting in next to Bucky. Quickly, you opted for the third. Your feet padded against the floor to the open side of the bed, and you pulled back the blankets. For a split second, you hesitated, but your sleepy body ached for the comfort of a mattress instead. You settled yourself, leaving a gap between you and the sleeping man.

Bucky’s body shifted, rolling over to his other side. Clearly you weren’t as stealthy as you believed you were. One of his eyes popped open, looking at you in the dark.

“I can go,” you whispered.

Without warning, Bucky pulled you to himself, wrapping his arm securely around you. Immediately, you felt safe. Your entire body melted into his, and you tucked your head under his chin. His fingers rubbed a small section of your back, which lulled you right back into a deep slumber.

A perfect night’s rest.

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[ayearofpike]

The Lost Mind

Pocket Books, 1995 213 pages, 16 chapters + epilogue ISBN 0-671-87269-9 LOC: PS3566.I486 L6 1995 OCLC: 32826282 Released August 1, 1995 (per B&N)

A girl is dead in the woods. Unfortunately, the person who finds her is no help, because not only does she not know where she is or how to find help, but she also doesn’t know anything about herself. All she knows, instinctively, is that she shouldn’t let on where she was or that she found the body first, at least not until she can learn some more about what happened and how they both ended up where they did.

I was really looking forward to this reread, and I’m disappointed that it sort of falls flat. Pike does that thing where he perfectly captures the tone I want — the sinister anxiety of not knowing, the ultimate unreliable narrator who doesn’t even know her family, let alone what happened to have her wake up next to a murdered girl — but in the end doesn’t give enough details to satisfy the plot resolution. And honestly, I’m kind of torn about it. Part of what makes entertainment “good” for me is how much I am trusted to put together the pieces and figure things out over the course of the story. But it shouldn’t be on me to CREATE a major piece that fits into the hole in the puzzle. 

It seems a little bit like a wasted opportunity, to be honest. This book is not only shorter than a lot of what he’s written so far, but I could swear that the type size is larger too. There was room to put in some of the things that I thought were missing, but I guess he just didn’t think of them as needing to be included. But I’m ripping this story down before I’ve actually recapped anything, and I need to do that to get there. (On the upside, they’ve gotten rid of the die-cut covers that shred on your bookshelf.)

We start, as mentioned in the woods. Our main character awakes as though from the dead, unusually cold and covered in blood, though she’s not seriously cut anywhere. The blood, it seems comes from the blonde girl lying nearby, who has been stabbed multiple times in the chest. And the knife that probably did it is within arm’s reach. As our protagonist racks her brain trying to think of where she was or what she did the night before, she comes to an unsettling realization: she can’t remember anything. And by “anything,” we mean

where she is

who she is

where she lives

where she comes from

NOTHING.

All she’s sure of is that she didn’t kill this girl, but that if she tries to report anything she’s the immediate and only suspect. And going to jail is worse than having no memory or personality. (Except she does, as we’ll see, which ... we’ll get there.) So she pockets the knife and blunders her way out of the woods, where she finds a car. The key is in her pocket, and there’s a clean sweat suit in the trunk. But she’s not ready to admit culpability in the blonde’s killing — she just wants to stay clear. She rinses off as much blood as she can in a pond before changing and climbing into the car, where she finds a purse with her ID. Apparently she’s Jennifer Hobbs from Carlsrue, Oregon, but none of this rings a bell or turns on any lights. All she can do is drive, toward the hint of lights in the distance that she thinks may be her town.

You might be thinking there’s a first suspicious plot question here. Why wouldn’t she drive AWAY from the town if she didn’t know anybody or anything, rather than putting herself at risk of implication in the death? I didn’t actually have a problem with this. Obviously it was a huge shock to wake up with no memories, and it makes sense to me that she wants to try to find them again, maybe through immersion in where she’s from.

So Jen calls home and talks to her mom, who wants to know if she’s with Crystal. She assuages her mom’s worries, sort of, but doesn’t go straight home because she doesn’t want to be questioned about her change of clothes. Instead, she gets a snack at Denny’s, where they ask why she’s out so late without Crystal, then finds a trash bin behind a store to dump off her bloody clothes. By the time she gets home, her mom is asleep, but she doesn’t know which room is hers and accidentally wakes her little brother, who insists they share a donut and talk about stuff that Jen doesn’t remember or understand. 

Jen quickly falls asleep after this and dreams of a fortune teller near a wide river, who she torments with a sharp knife after smoking a powerful drug that dissociates her from her body. She is woken by her mom at the door, who asks if she’ll drive her little brother to school. Another slip: Mom refers to the kid by his name, but apparently Jen’s always only called him by a nickname, Gator, after his propensity to bite as a toddler. She gets him to guide her to school by letting him sit on her lap and steer, which is another weird thing for him, but hey, nine-year-old gets to drive so he’s not arguing too much.

The first person she encounters at her school is her boyfriend, a football meathead who immediately asks her for three hundred dollars. Obviously she doesn’t know why or remember agreeing to help with this, but she says that she might have an easier time finding the money if he walks her to all her classes. Only halfway through the day she has to bail because she’s learning more about Crystal, i.e. that she’s not in school and her teachers think it’s weird that Jen doesn’t know why. So she goes home and finds last year’s yearbook, and learns what we already suspect: Crystal is the dead body in the woods.

This realization hits Jen like a ton of bricks. She’s crying and she’s not totally sure why, seeing as she doesn’t remember anything. When she eventually calms down and reaches for her phone, she sees that she has messages on her answering machine. Three are from Crystal’s mom, growing increasingly frantic. The fourth is Amir, who wants to talk about last night. Finally, someone who was there and can help her figure out what happened! Amir is worried that Crystal might have run away, for obvious reasons. When Jen doesn’t get it, he says it’s because Crystal found out about their affair. So now not only was she the last person to see Crystal, and the one person in the world who’s closer to her than anyone else, and she woke up next to her body and a knife, but now Jen has a motive.

She calls the police and anonymously reports the body in the woods, then hides the knife in a nearby park. Denny’s calls and wonders why she’s not at work, and then her boyfriend calls and wants to pick up his money. She puts them both off, because she knows that the police are going to be around eventually, probably sooner than later. When they show up, she realizes that telling the truth (that she doesn’t remember last night at all) isn’t going to help her stay out of jail. So she makes up a whole bunch of details that probably create a story with more holes than if she were just to say hey, we went to Crystal’s boyfriend’s house and got so drunk that I woke up at like 2 without any memory of what happened. The detective is all over her on the inconsistencies and lapses in her memory (what is Jen’s boyfriend’s last name?), and ultimately she asks him to leave. Which he does, with the warning that he’ll be back with a warrant.

Her little brother asks why she’s having trouble remembering things. She says that this has to be a secret between them, and then she goes to read her diary and try to put some pieces together. She doesn’t really like the person she’s reading about, but she does learn that her boyfriend is in major gambling debt and that Amir has only been around for two months but that he wouldn’t let Crystal introduce him to Jen for some reason. Before she can get much farther, her boyfriend shows up asking for the money. Obviously Jen has been preoccupied and doesn’t have it handy, and while she’s scrounging it up her boyfriend takes off his clothes and stretches out on her bed, thinking of either a consolatory (sorry your friend is dead) or celebratory (I can pay off my bookies) screw. As Jen no longer has the baggage of actually knowing this person that she’s apparently been dating for two years, she can send him packing without remorse.

Amir shows up almost as soon as the now-ex is gone, in tears because a) his girlfriend is dead and b) the cops came and grilled him on suspicion of her murder. He thinks he’s being unfairly targeted as a brown Muslim, which ... yeah, probably, but also he was her boyfriend and one of the last people to see her alive. But Amir’s story to the police exposes the holes in Jen’s made-up facts even worse. Plus, he told the cops how he was planning to break up with Crystal for Jen. It pretty much totally screws her, but weirdly at that moment her dream comes back to her, and she asks Amir about Egypt and drugs. He says that hashish was common, but that he never did it because of what it did to his sisters, how it put them in a vulnerable position to be murdered. 

When he’s gone, Jen falls asleep again and dreams of Egypt, of an ancient graveyard dominated by a statue of three warring demons, and of the same mystic refusing to give her information about the truth of the soul, but she gets her knife out and torments her more. Again she wakes up to her mom, who is sitting on the bed this time. Her mom wants her to get a lawyer, but Jen doesn’t want to, for ... reasons. Instead, she goes to see Crystal’s parents, to sit in her room and try to understand their relationship. Crystal’s diary is sitting on the desk, and there’s a recent entry about a dream she had. About an ancient graveyard and an old witch and a sharp knife.

Next she goes to Amir’s apartment. He’s out, but she talks to the landlady, who laments the loud arguments that Amir and Crystal were having near the end and how he seemed sick but insisted on watching movies in her living room the night Crystal was killed. She lets Jen into his apartment, where sure enough she finds a hash pipe. Only there’s no way he could have done it, because he has an airtight alibi of actually being somewhere else.

Jen gets home to find the police in her house. They give her a hard time about not being there, and produce a warrant to take her clothes and her shoes from the previous night, as well as searching her room and her car. It’s not looking good for not going to jail for murder; the detective tells her that he’ll be back in the morning, probably with a warrant for her arrest. She does take a minute to enlist Gator to sneak out and steal Crystal’s diary out of her room, which he does because he hopes it’ll help her prove she didn’t kill Crystal. Comparing and cross-referencing the diaries, Jen learns that yes, Crystal and Amir were fighting but that no, she never actually slept with him. Why would Amir lie about this? What does he know?

There’s only one way Jen can think to figure this out: dream some more. In the dream, the mystic tells her about how the human soul is too grand to be born into one body. It takes three, but the three parts are never incarnated in the same place, because terrible things can happen if they all come together. The three-demon statue is symbolic of this: an explosion of uncontrollable evil. However, dream-Jen is not deterred by this. If anything, she wants to make it happen even more, to the point where she’s willing to kill the witch to stop her enforcing her considerable will and magic on her son to stop him going. 

Apparently dreaming works, because Jen wakes up knowing what to do. She starts by writing a suicide note. There’s a police officer guarding her house, but she knocks him out by mixing him up a fresh thermos of coffee with a couple sleeping pills mixed in. She pockets the rest, takes the officer’s gun, and heads over to Amir’s place, where she forces him into her car at gunpoint. They drive out to a certain spot in the woods, where she makes him lie facedown on the ground while she swallows the rest of the sleeping pills. Then she ties him up and marches him to the spot where they found Crystal’s body and makes him explain.

Amir confesses that he smokes hashish to try to reach his soul, which is part of why he came to Oregon to seek out the other parts of it. He’d flipped on Crystal, going from amazing love to deepest hate (which is a sides-of-the-heart discussion that Pike’s brought up before, maybe from Hinduism) and thought maybe Jen would be his correct answer. Only when they all came into his apartment that night, the demon door opened and everyone’s souls left their bodies. Amir managed to gain control, not just of himself but of Jen’s body. He forced her to drive Crystal to the woods and murder her, all while he sat in his landlady’s living room. And then he brought his soul back to his body, but Jen’s was totally gone.

And here’s the big hole that I’m left trying to fill myself. If Jen’s soul departed when it was forced out of her body, what the hell is in there now? Like, SOMETHING is giving her emotions and desires and needs to act upon. SOMETHING is motivating her to stay out of jail, to protect her friend and her family, to try to teach her degenerate ex-boyfriend a lesson. What is it? Is it the physical memories of having spent time with these people, manifesting in her mind as a placeholder? Is it just a blank slate from nowhere? Is it part of Crystal’s soul that flew out or broke off when Jen was stabbing her to death, too traumatized to remember anything? There’s no answer, and it’s unsatisfactory. Like, if her soul is just gone, then what is driving her to keep saving her own life?

Also, without actually knowing that this was something that could work, Jen sure did take a massive risk overdosing on sleeping pills before switching bodies with Amir. She says she’s going to kill him with ultimate suffering, so he can feel a fraction of the fear that Crystal had, and she pulls out a syringe and stabs it into his neck, saying she’s about to put a bubble in his vein. This is the act that finally frightens him out of his body and forces him into hers, where he then gloats about winning and leaves her to die in Amir’s body, tied up in the woods.

What he doesn’t know is what kills him. Jen planted the knife just underground, by where she tied Amir’s body, and it’s not hard for her to dig it up and cut herself free. She is amazed to find Jen’s body in the car, a long way to make it on thirty phenobarbitol pills. She drives it home, puts the body in bed, waits for it to stop breathing, and then walks back to Amir’s apartment, sad but relieved.

The epilogue is Crystal and Jen’s joint funeral. Jen’s mom shows Amir the suicide note, which insists that she didn’t kill Crystal but that this is her only way out, and Amir suggests she should believe the note. Then he goes to find Gator, who is confused when Amir calls him by that name but then joyfully realizes that Jen perhaps didn’t die after all, that maybe she just needed to remember in a different way.

And that’s The Lost Mind! Better than a lot of stuff from this era, but still with some holes (and at least one is a monster). I don’t mind figuring some stuff out for myself, and I don’t mind an author keeping me in the dark until the appropriate moment. But eventually, they better turn on the lights, because it’s not my job to write the story, and ultimately that’s what happened here. I love the idea, and I love the tone. But who is Jennifer Hobbs? We don’t ever actually learn this, and the whole story suffers as a result.