#i just know i’ll have to eventually bring up bladder issues to my doctor

[omocatboy]

you’d think having a piss kink would make it less embarrassing and upsetting when i deal with incontinence or bladder issues or have to bring this up to a doctor, not so! in fact it makes it worse i feel like

i actually get really anxious and panicked when i’m desperate if i’m not seconds from a toilet, i hate being desperate in public, and i get really anxious when i’m with someone who’s desperate or i know needs to pee but can’t for whatever reason bc i feel like they’re gonna somehow Know i get off on stuff like this

and with doctors like it’s a similar thing but also i feel like. most people think of peeing or just bathroom stuff in general as being Gross, so even though it’s the doctor’s literal job to not be judgmental i’m worried they’re gonna think i’m gross for… having a bladder that has issues, or leaking often, or not being able to tell when i have to pee until i’m really desperate, as if that’s not their whole thing!! i feel like as a person w a piss kink this should just be a fun silly thing for me but it isn’t bc of the general Shame society has around peeing and incontinence

[atasteforsuicidal]

this should be under a read more but tumblr mobile is being a shit to please scroll and mind the tags.

it’s so hard, knowing and believing that quality of life is more important than quantity of life, but also desperately not wanting to confront that fact about someone you love.

the past 15ish months have been full of close calls and probably some of the most painful and trying times of my nanny dubé’s life. she’s been back in the hospital for 9 weeks now this time, after managing to get out for several months, and has already had one of her legs amputated to stop the spread of gangrene and more blood transfusions than i probably know about.

last may, her circulation dropped to zero percent (or close to it), due to calcification in her veins, and in the process, one of her toes died. having eventually gotten her circulation back up to something survivable (with regular treatments), the spread of the dead flesh stopped, so they simply waited out the toe falling off instead of operating. i guess it got infected a few months ago and spread drastically; they took the leg off above the knee. i was stunned when she agreed to the surgery. my nanny is stubborn to a fault, and losing control of her body must be killing her.

she was losing bladder control before she was admitted to the hospital for the gangrene, or returned circulation issues, or whatever it was that set off this visit. the family was about to have a serious talk with her about how aunt charmaine can’t care for her at home, and that it was time to go into a home. they didn’t get to have that talk, but i think nanny knew. when she was admitted to the hospital, she essentially acknowledged that she knew she wouldn’t be going home when she was released.

she had a nasal feeding tube for a little while, but they got rid of it because she was managing to eat some on her own. she’s not a candidate for the kind that goes into the side or stomach; her skin is too fragile, and there’s barely any fat between it and her bones and organs. i think my mum told me she was down below 70 pounds last time i asked.

she’s been having trouble eating and drinking though, especially since the surgery two or so weeks ago. she’s having difficulty swallowing, and she says food is just unappetizing and turns her stomach to even look at. but she’s trying. she asks for things, and sometimes she eats part of them when the family brings it for her, and sometimes she doesn’t. she doesn’t like to lie on her back, because she fears that everything is going to fall in on her. i suggested talking to her doctors about anxiety and depression medications (there is no doubt in my mind that she’s had anxiety for at LEAST my entire lifetime, likely longer, and i suspect that the loss of control over her body and day to day life is causing depression. i suspect the surgery is likely causing some form of ptsd, too); they said they give her atavan when she needs it (mum pointed out how unlikely nanny was to tell them) and that since antidepressants take 4-6 weeks to kick in, they don’t want to try it. nanny says she’s already on too many medications as it is, wonders if they’re trying to kill her with overmedicating.

my uncle is visiting right now, and the four siblings are going to be having a meeting with my grandmother and her doctor tomorrow about quality over quantity, about if she actually wants to keep trying, and what that will look like.

she just turned 86 today. she’s had a long life. a good life, overall.

she already has a dnr, and she’s sound of mind enough to make her own decisions; it’s only her body that’s failing her.

i am terrified that she’s going to give up, to stop eating until her body gives out.

i’m terrified because i think it might be what’s best for her, but i don’t want it to be what she chooses.

i’m angry, too. when she got to go home from the hospital the first time, i let myself get complacent. i let myself believe that i had preemptively mourned for nothing, that of course nanny is too stubborn to go out like that. of course i spent time with her when i went home in february, but i don’t feel like it was enough. i don’t think i hugged her hard enough, because she’s just so fragile and i didn’t want to hurt her, which is the exact same regret i carry about jillian, even after 15 years.

if cassie and dj hadn’t broken up, i would be home right now; the wedding would have been today. i might have had the chance to say goodbye, if that’s what it comes to, and to tell her i love her one last time. to give her a proper hug.

i’m the only grandchild who hasn’t been to the hospital to see her, from my understanding. josh just moved back up here, but he saw her before he left. i was so angry, last time, that he didn’t, that he decided he didn’t want to remember her like that; i would have given anything to see her, and he was right there, and he wouldn’t. now, i’m just relieved he did this time. mum has taken jess and violet over, and river is too young to really know the difference. i know amber has taken gracie, so i would assume she’s taken xan, too, since he’s older. i can’t imagine cassie not visiting, and since her mom goes several times a week, then i assume her and elizabeth have gone with her at the very least, if not on their own. likewise, i’m guessing aj has gone in with aunt char, and i hope that nick has gone, too; she may only be his stepgrandmother, but she’s been in his life for years and years. rachel and lucas have gone to see her, since they’re visiting right now; mum says lucas left in tears the first time, and i’m not the least bit surprised. he’s had a really hard last year or so, and he’s a sensitive soul like me.

they’ve taken granddad in to see her a few times, and mum said they’ll take him again sometime this week.

her sister barb visits a lot, was even there with mum when the doctor was giving them the prognosis the other day; they were both in tears. her sister rhodessa is down home for her summer visit until the 21st, and i know she’s already been in a0t least once. i’m not sure if aunt fan or aunt loretta have been able to come see her. i can’t remember if there’s anyone else left, besides an in-law or two. i think it’s only the five jewers sisters left.

i’m not actually sure that uncle jacques and aunt claire, my grandfather’s brother and sister-in-law, have made it down to see her, but i think they might have.

i’m angry at myself for canceling my trip home, when the wedding was called off. i decided i’d rather be home for river’s first christmas, rather have an extra few days in vancouver back in june.

i expected nanny to still be okay; i had just seen her a few weeks before the break-up. she was home.

i might have made the wrong choice, and it’s killing me.

i’ll hear from mum on monday about how the talk went, but even if nanny does try, i’m scared it won’t extend things by much. if she won’t eat, if she can’t eat… i don’t think it will be long before her body starts shutting down on her.

even after she pulled through last time, i’m already spiraling into anticipatory grief again, and it’s worse this time. i cried through the entire call with my mum, and for a while afterwards. i stopped and cried a few times writing all this. i’m already making contingencies for if i have to get my shifts covered to fly home for the funeral. my therapist would probably be so disappointed to see me back exactly where we started.

i want a hug. i want my mum. i want my dad. i want to hold onto violet and river and never let them go because life is just too precious, and i’ve missed so much time with them already. i don’t want to say goodbye to my grandmother. i don’t want to see my grandfather give up when he loses her; he was so excited by the prospect of her joining him at the home. i don’t want to have to say goodbye to him, too.

i hate this.

[lisamccrack]

Life goes on... I guess.

I've been living 'cancer free' for 6 werks now. I act like it's all okay, and I'm doing well. I guess I am physically, but there isn't yet complete peace in my mind. I suppose I should accept that it wouldn't be normal to take all those punches and come out as good as new. My body has betrayed me. It has taken my health, and not just for the short term. Even if the cancer stays gone, there's a whole load of other crap that I'm trying to deal with too. I've had three UTI's in recent weeks. I cant be sure yet if I'm just unlucky or if it is a side effect.  Probably the latter. They never develop into anything major, 3 days of anti biotics sorts it out. Still just as irritating though. Fertility. This is bothering me the most right now. It was never really on my mind before, but I suppose it isn't when you just assume that you will get your chance. I'm 28, I have no children. My dream to carry and give my husband a child is gone. Well, it's gone in reality... but it hasn't yet been mentally accepted. Every other day now I find myself thinking about it. It seems everyone around me is getting pregnant. I can't, we cant, escape it. I seem to go through phases where I care more one week than another. My mind and soul are exhausted, so we decided to book a last minute break 🌴 get away from everything and everyone. The hotel and surroundings were beautiful. I have never really rated Tenerife before now, but this had everything we needed. Everything except the conveyer belt of pregnant women that rolled in 🤔 During the week, 13 pregnant women came and went. Thirteen!!! How does that even happen? Never before have I gone away and been surrounded by that many bumps. I'm certain it's not just because it's now on my radar, and I am noticing it more. This was a definite first. I resorted to taking sneaky pics on snap chat, with their number hashtagged to it, #10 #doublefiguresnow. Photo proof to my friends that this isn't one of my many moments of exaggeration. There really is some pregnant society going on out there. Lee kept saying "it's the season". 🙄 Sometimes I find myself wondering if it is a punishment for something I have done, in a past life maybe. Or maybe it's the good and the bad evening itself out? You can have a clear result but you can't escape your reality. Can't have it all! I do wonder though, why can't we just be given a week where we can free our minds? There is always something somewhere rubbing my, our, noses in it or something that goes tits up with me health wise. I must remember to be less selfish and stop making it all about me. Lee is suffering this too. 🙈 I don't know. 😣  😑 We wondered down to the beach one of the days, I'm not a huge fan of the sea, but this beach was really nice; and, NO bumps in sight. You could call that a win, but instead we were faced with old women and their saggies flopped out or trapped under their arm pits 🤣 (o)(o) What's the lesser of two evils? 😂 We chose going back to the pool. Despite my over active mind, I did enjoy our time away. I wished we could have booked longer than a week. I think my parents may have died from sleep deprivation if we did though. The dog doesn't seem to follow the same rules in their house. Lee doesn't have the holidays at work either. 😣 While we were away I started to get this pain in my stomach too. A new pain I've never felt before.  At first I put it down to the bladder niggles I was having. The pain came and went, and I said to Lee that I must remember to mention it to Dr Mak when we get back. Could it be indigestion or something? I didnt think of it again, until it happened again. It was more painful this time. A kind of squeezing pain coming in waves. Our last night away was ruined because of it. I couldn't eat, and I didn't want to be sat in a bar holding my stomach either, so we went back to the room. After an hour or so the pain disappeared, it is really strange. I was fine flying back home the next day, and forgot about it again. We had an early night, and around 3am I was woken with the pain again. This time it was really intense. I knew something was wrong, but I went out of my way to avoid showing Lee how painful it was. I knew, if he knew, then he would have had me in A&E. I was sure that it would pass again anyway. 5am came and went, and Lee had left for work. I didn't even make it until 6am and I was calling him to tell him I couldn't cope. I had made the usual mistake of consulting Dr Google, and convinced myself that I had appendicitis. If I didn't come clean now, own up to say that I am suffering, then I would just lie here and die, and no one would know. A friend of mine works nights, and came to my rescue before Lee could get to me. Lee left work, and by the time he got to me the pain was finally starting to subside. I knew it would eventually! Sods law after he has rushed home to me. We agreed that going to my GP was a better option. I still get straight in at the doctors, I'm not so sure that's a benefit, some would argue that it is. The Dr had me doing pregnancy tests 😩 Does this woman have any clue? Of course they came back negative, and she went on to have a poke at my stomach. She said she could feel something, fluid perhaps, but was just guessing. Yep. Guessing. ☝️😂😭😫 She can't be sure, as she doesn't know if my anatomy has changed since radiation. Great, so, that was a waste of time. I did get an urgent blood test out of it though, the results were supposed to be available that evening, but even by lunch time the following day I hadn't heard anything. I seen Dr Mak on the Tuesday, and explained to her my latest drama. She went over all of my scan images with me, as I expressed my disappointment of how my NED results were delivered. She isn't sure if my latest symptoms are related to treatment. It's possible, but she couldn't feel anything. Not even this fluid that GP mentioned. I've been prescribed more pills to see if they change anything. They're for gastric issues, so we'll see. I'll be rattling if I take all of the pills I've been prescribed at the moment. I say If, as I still haven't started to take the HRT yet. I just can't bring myself to do it. Despite all of this, the good news is.... My 3 month check up was a good one! Still cancer free, and still going. Roll on August for the next one. If i get a good result then, it will be HONEYMOOOOOOOOON booking time. 🎉🌴👰🤵

[gethealthy18-blog]

Potty Training Methods for Toddlers (& How to Stay Sane!)

New Post has been published on http://healingawerness.com/news/potty-training-methods-for-toddlers-how-to-stay-sane/

Potty Training Methods for Toddlers (& How to Stay Sane!)

Parents of toddlers always ask me for tips on three things: how to keep them busy, how to get them to eat healthy food, and how to potty train them. Toddlers have a mind of their own and aren’t afraid to let you know their feelings (very loudly, I might add). So, when it comes time to start toilet training, things can get frustrating quickly.

Here are my best tips for surviving potty training without losing your mind. Admittedly it’s been a few years since I was in the trenches, but I remember it well and have plenty of friends in this stage right now.

Potty Training Toddlers: When to Start?

Potty training is a very individual process both for parents and little ones and there are many approaches you can take. The most important thing is to wait until your toddler is ready for potty training.

Most kids are ready somewhere between 18 months and 3 years of age to start potty training. Some 3-year-olds and 4-year-olds are not quite ready yet. Here are some signs that your child may be ready to begin toilet training.

Signs That Your Child Is Physically Capable of Using the Potty

These signs show that your child is developing some control over their bladder and bowels:

Longer dry periods – Your toddler goes a few hours without wetting or makes it through a nap or nighttime with a dry diaper.

Don’t have a bowel movement at night – Most toddlers no longer poop in their sleep which is a good sign they are gaining control!

Tell you when they need to pee or poop – If your child is telling you when he is about to pee or poop he has a clear understanding of the urge to go.

Leaves the room or hides to poop (for privacy) – Everyone likes their privacy while they poop. Leaving the room or hiding shows that they are aware of what they’re doing so they may be getting ready for potty training.

Signs That Your Child May Be Emotionally/Mentally Ready to Use the Potty

Being ready physically is not the same as being ready emotionally or mentally. Signs that your child may be emotionally or mentally ready for potty training include:

An interest in using the potty

Telling you when he’s just gone in his diaper

Willing to sit on the potty

Asks to use the potty or put on underwear

A desire to do things for himself

Potty training readiness is going to be a combination of the above signs and a little bit of parental intuition. You as a parent are the best person to decide if your child is ready.

Potty Anxiety

Fear or anxiety about using the potty may be a sign that he’s not quite ready. It may also be a sign that he needs to work through those fears. Playing games with your child about potty use can help. Try showing the child with a baby doll that wets or playing pretend games where mom and dad are the toddlers. This gives kids a chance to explore their feeling in a silly way and can help alleviate anxiety.

Potty Training Methods

There are many different ways to potty train your child but they usually fall into the following three categories:

1. Follow the Child

With this method, you wait until your child shows interest in using the potty and then support that interest. There are no rewards or bribes to “get” the child to use the potty. The theory is that toilet training is a natural milestone that doesn’t need to be actively taught (like learning to walk). Of course, that doesn’t mean that you have no part in it. You can prepare by:

 reading toilet training books together

 buying a potty for every bathroom

modeling toilet use

One drawback to this method is that it does take time and children who follow this method are more likely to be toilet independent at a later age (3 or 4 years old). This obviously causes a problem if you’re expecting to send your child to preschool (most preschools require children to wear underwear).

2. Two to Three Day Method

With this approach to potty training, created by psychologists Richard Foxx and Nathan Azrin, you still wait until your child is ready but once you recognize readiness you go full steam ahead. This method has been around for a few decades and has been refined and popularized in the book, Oh Crap! Potty Training by Jamie Glowacki.

This is like potty training boot camp. There are many variations of this method but the basic steps are as follows:

Parents clear schedules for 2 to 3 days in preparation for Potty Boot Camp.

Tell the child that he won’t be using diapers anymore and is going to be using the potty. Some variations advise ceremoniously throwing away diapers and pull-ups. But of course, some kids will need still need them at night, so this is up to you.

During the two or three days you will be watching the child very closely for signs that he needs to use the potty. Even let your toddler be naked (at least from the waist down) so you can easily recognize when he has started going and rush him off to the potty. At first, you’ll be bringing him to the potty after he starts going, but soon he will start connecting the sensation of needing to go and going to sit on the potty. This will help him learn he should go to the potty when he feels the urge to urinate or defecate.

When your child has a good handle on recognizing the urge to go you can begin giving him underwear or training pants to wear. Some people recommend moving to pants only (no underwear) before moving to underwear. This is because underwear can feel like a diaper to some kids. Every child is different so you’ll have to make the call.

When he is successful with wearing pants and underwear bring him outside to play and work on him noticing when he needs to go while he is outside.

After that, practice going on short errands (the next step after Potty Boot Camp).

The benefit of this approach is that potty training is (mostly) done and over in a few days. However, it can be too intense for some kids and may cause anxiety about failure.

3. Start Early Approach

This method was first created by Dr. T. Berry Brazelton in 1962 in response to constipation and other issues that arose from potty training too early. It has been further refined by many child development experts, so there are many variations. Here are the steps:

Buy a potty for your child when they show physical readiness (not to be confused with emotional readiness). This includes being able to go 1-2 hours without a wet diaper, waking up dry from naps, and not pooping during the night. This happens usually around 12-18 months.

Let your child inspect the potty. Then encourage him to sit on the potty fully clothed.

If that goes well, begin bringing your child to the potty when he uses his diaper to help connect the two.

This method is laid-back but there is a consistent and intentional slow introduction to the potty, which appeals to many parents. However, it can take a long time (over a year) from beginning to end which can overwhelm some parents.

4. Elimination Communication

I certainly can’t claim to be an expert on this method, but many parents rave about the benefits. With this method, you learn your baby’s signals early on and are able to recognize and help them use the bathroom instead of a diaper when they need to pee or poop. Genevieve has a great post about it over at Mama Natural if your baby is still very young and you want to give it a try.

Which Method Is Best?

One study of effective toilet training strategies found that both method 2 and 3 were equally successful and didn’t cause issues like constipation from “holding it.” Remarkably, this is the only study I could find on potty training, so I think in this instance, you have to go with what feels right to you because there’s very little science to guide us.

Common Mistakes

Potty training can be tricky and cause frustration. Avoiding these common mistakes can make the process less stressful and more manageable.

Getting upset over accidents – Let your child know that accidents happen, are no big deal, and you are there to help. Consider how you would want to be supported if you were learning something new.

Shaming – Saying things like “yucky!” when he has an accident in his underwear, or that diapers are only for babies is shaming. Some parents use negative language about diapers and what they contain to try and motivate a child to train sooner. This may work but may not be worthwhile. At its root, shaming is a form of manipulation. It may get the result you’re after, but won’t help your child learn independence. It may also have negative consequences on your relationship, according to an article in Psychology Today.

Power struggles – You will never win a power struggle over someone else’s body. Plus, power struggles are just no fun for anyone. If your child becomes upset about potty learning, take a break from it to keep it positive.

Rewards – I’m not a big fan of rewards (especially food ones) since things like potty training are just things we all need to learn. Rewards can also become a manipulation tactic (I’ll only go potty if I can have TWO treats). For positive reinforcement focus on what the child will naturally get out of it and play that up. A sense of accomplishment, new cool big kid underwear, getting to go to preschool, or join brothers and sisters to play are some examples. Also, a genuine, “wow, you did it!” is great for their self-esteem.

Being discouraged by setbacks – Your toddler or preschooler may be fully trained one week and have a bunch of accidents the next. It’s not usually anything to worry about, especially if a big change has just occurred in your child’s life (a new baby is a huge one!). However, if accidents happen consistently for a long period of time, or just seem unusual to you, it’s best to consult your child’s doctor.

At the end of the day, your child will learn to use the toilet or potty eventually. Try to relax (if you can!) and focus on making it a positive experience for everyone.

Potty Training Tips for Boys

Potty training boys is a little bit different than potty training girls, so here are a few extra tips:

Be patient – Boys tend to potty train later than girls. Experts think this is because boys are more interested in gross motor activities (e.g. running, tumbling, jumping) and don’t have the patience to sit on the potty as early as girls do.

Teach him to sit before standing – If he sees dad or older brothers standing to pee he may want to do that too but it can get messy! Make sure he has a good grip on toilet learning before exploring the standing to pee idea. That being said, if he’s adamant about standing you may want to let him. It’s up to you to decide if standing is okay.

Add a target – When your child begins standing to pee, a target in the pot can help with aim. A raisin or other small target that you can flush works.

Buy a potty with a pee guard – This will help avoid a mess in the bathroom. But if the guard gets in the way and causes your little boy to not want to use the potty, finding a potty without a pee guard is an option.

Read potty books together – Reading about using the potty can help diffuse anxiety about the process. Choose books that use anatomically correct language (not silly words like “pee-pee”).

Potty Training Tips for Girls

Girls often potty train earlier but that’s not the only difference.

Read potty books together – Spending time reading with your little girl about potty learning can relieve anxiety about it. Choose a book that uses anatomically correct language.

Teach her how to wipe properly – Because wiping the wrong way can cause urinary tract infections it’s important to show her how to do it right. That means front to back. Many parents will continue to help with wiping for a while for this reason.

What Do You Need for Potty Training?

This answer to this is basically a lot of patience, time, and laundry detergent!

Eco-Friendly Potty Seat

Not much else is needed, but the right potty seat helps. My kids always preferred a toddler potty seat vs. a seat that modified the regular toilet because it was low to the floor and comfortable. Since these are usually plastic, I recommend finding a secondhand potty whenever possible rather than buying a new one or buying a durable and recyclable potty to pass on to a friend when you don’t need it anymore.

Pull Ups or Nighttime Diapers

Many kids are ready for daytime potty training but not for nighttime. Letting your little one use a pull-up or diaper at night is usually okay and won’t undermine your progress. Just make sure you take it off her first thing in the morning before she releases her bladder. I used cloth diapers for this or you could try these chlorine-free pull ups that use more natural materials.

Bottom Line on Potty Training a Toddler

Potty training success can come in many forms. It’s a matter of figuring out what works best for you and your child and working together to reach your goals. Staying focused on the bond between you and your child rather than potty training techniques or an idea of what “should happen” is half the battle.

What method did you use? Did it work? What would you do differently?

Source: https://wellnessmama.com/402746/potty-training/

[lostnebulas]

Y’know, last night I had an assignment where I had to talk about a decision I have had to make in my life as well as something I had no control over and I realized that like.. All I could remember was the bad.. which unlocked even more bad, and now everything that has happened to me in the past few years has suddenly all really just.. hit me

So I wrote it down. Sorry for the long ass rant.

2 years ago- grandpa dies. My mom lashes out at my dad because of this (pretty normal thing there) and moves out with no warning, bringing me with her. Less than a week.. it was such a quick change and I just remember feeling absolutely horrible for my dad being left alone like that

Time goes on, I’m trying to get use to the change, and.. Idk, I just remember I still tried to talk to my dad but he ended up saying that everything was my fault and that he didn’t plan on living any longer. Of course, I panicked, ended up having my half-sister there to check on him.. yada yada, he was fine (as fine as completely drunk and delirious fine is) and we went home. Relationship got a little better with him after that I guess. He still blames me for everything that happens to this day, but I’ve gotten use to it by now. What bothers me is when he threatens with suicide again. I don’t know why I even care, he would hate me if he knew what I was anyway...

But, anyway, only months after the sudden move, my dogs health, suddenly deteriorates. We were broke because of all the sudden changes and couldn’t bring him in- just had to watch as he started having increasing bladder, eye, and aggression problems. He even bit me hard enough to draw blood at one point just for walking by him. Then one day (the day we were celebrating my birthday of all days! ha, i just wanted to see the planetarium), my mom noticed she had a bunch of missed calls from my sister; turns out Rex (the dog, obviously) had had a seizure when my sister got home. We rushed home and once we got there he ended up having another one. No choice then, we brought him to the vet.. and watched as he seized yet another time on the way there and could no longer even stand by the time we arrived. 

It was left completely up to me whether or not to put him down. That wasn’t a choice I wanted to make.. but it was. We were broke. The price of the service was already in the thousands and they haven’t even really done anything because they couldn’t find what was wrong with him. They would have had to do x-rays and other tests then Rex would have to survive the treatment.. which I doubted he would be able to. He was already old, not to mention he had battled Parvo as a puppy, shortening his life span in the first place..

I’m the one that had to choose to put him down.

Life went on. The house seemed even more quiet and empty without him there. I thought that maybe, just maybe, the bad would be over. Nope! Not even a month later, guinea pig suddenly gets sick. I know he may just be a rodent, but I have had him for years.. he was my little buddy even if just being around him had me dying (I’m allergic).. I tried to help him, I really did. I gave him his favorite foods, fresh water, cleaned his cage every day. But one day I went in there and I just knew. I knew he wasn’t going to live the rest of that day.

I don’t even know how to explain that feeling, by the way. How do you explain when you can just sense that something is about to die? I feel like you have to experience it just to know.

I held him for hours. He died in the crook of my neck- same place he always liked to cuddle up.

Man,, I looked like shit that day. Crying + allergies from holding him that long? haha.. I had hives going up my arms, neck, and chin, face was completely red, and I couldn’t breathe properly. Guess he triggered my asthma. That lasted for about a week afterwards, nice reminder.

Something good did happen after all of this though- my mom ended up bringing home a new puppy. Raven. She’s a little shit, but I love her.

Fast forward a few months again- cousin is diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. Family decides to put off chemo for “natural treatments”. Yeah. They’ve started more aggressive treatments now but he’s not doing well. Don’t know if it’s good or bad I’ve already accepted him as yet another thing I’m going to lose.

And now? My nephew, the one that lives with me, has been having issues. He won’t stop getting random high fevers for no reason. Doctors have found that he has an extremely low white blood cell count. Don’t know why. If they don’t find something soon, they’re going to check his bone marrow.

Leukemia is a possibility. None of us really want to think about it. He’s not even 3 years old. I can only think of how he always calls me “Chess” as he runs (or attempts to, at least) up to me to give me hugs whenever he sees me.

He doesn’t deserve whatever is causing this, leukemia or not.

I feel extremely selfish. It’s him who has to deal with this, whether he knows it or not. It’s my cousin who has to deal with what’s happening to him. Yet here I am.. just completely losing motivation for everything. I just.. I can’t? I don’t care anymore. It’s funny, because  unlike so many people I actually know what I want to do with my life, the different paths.. something I should be glad about. But no, I feel hopeless. I look at whats going directly around me as well as around the world and think “what is the point of even trying?”

My grades have slipped so badly and I’m behind. Very behind. I use to be an honor roll student. I have struggled for years with motivation and all, but I have always come through in the end. I don’t know if I can do it this time. 

I don’t want to fail. I can’t fail. But I can’t bring myself to stop this from happening either. Look at me- completely useless. 

I don’t want to die either. I told myself I would give myself a chance first, and if everything came crashing down in the end then.. then I would have the chance to truly end it.

But now I’m asking myself: when is “the end”? How much longer do I have to force myself to try?

I guess I’ll find out, eventually.

[kidneybeebs]

Surgery & Recovery

Phew. What a quick and excruciating couple of days. 

I’m 5 days out and am excited to have only woken up 3 times last night. I also ate 2 chicken nuggets and 5 waffle fries for lunch (and only gagged like 3 times), so I’m doing really well, ya’ll. I don’t know if that gives you any indication of what this has been like, but I hope I don’t scare you off.

We were expected at the surgery unit of the hospital around 5:30am on Friday and being new to downtown Baltimore, thought it safest to take a Lyft the couple of blocks in the middle of the night. I was so anxious that I was gonna injure my kidney on the walk or get robbed and beaten up on the way to the hospital, that I just made the executive decision to do it that way.

Paul #2, Maureen, my Paul and I met in the waiting room and chatted for a bit before we were brought to our prep area. Thankfully they put us one curtain next to the other so we could talk about everything that was going on. I had high spirits going in and was trying to stay positive for both of the Paul’s sakes. My Paul has a tendency to get really worried about me (what an AWFUL husband) and Paul #2 had never had major surgery so was maybe unsure about the whole thing.

We were there for what seemed like a very short hour of IVs, meeting doctors and coordinators, and a quick injection of medicine that would help me “relax” before I was wheeled off. 

The next thing I knew, I was awake. AND IN SO MUCH PAIN OH MY GOD. In and out of sleep, I asked how everything went, how Paul #2 was doing, etc etc. I was told that my part went well but Paul was still in surgery. I asked for my Paul to come see me and I honestly can’t remember if he did or not. We had a bit of an issue in the following hours because my hospital room (which was super fancy and nice) had just been waxed and they didn’t want to bring me in there with the fumes. I was just super uncomfortable and wanted my husband and was having a hard time breathing so I made a bit of a fuss about it. I think they eventually ended up having to give me some anti-anxiety medication because of it.

When I woke up again, I was there! On one of the top floors in a room full of huge windows with glorious views of downtown Baltimore. It was lovely and I hated everyone. Here’s me in the hours after surgery trying to force a smile to make people believe I was alright. 

I’ve had surgery in the past and knew what to expect, but I really think it gets worse every time it happens. The gas that they inflate my stomach with to get to the organ wreaks havoc on the rest of my body. I had pain radiating into my shoulders all the way down to my fingers. Throughout my entire stomach, and even down to my knees. 

It was excruciating to move and I’ll be honest, I cried a lot in the first two days because I was so uncomfortable. They were very proactive with trying to get me off of the IV pain medicine in the hospital. The nurses were SO SO SO great and helpful and kind and I could tell felt really bad for me, but they could only help me so much. Their best advice was to get up as much as possible and walk around. Which only made things hurt more. The whole thing just sounded so counterintuitive. 

They kept encouraging me to eat, which is funny, really. Because I couldn’t focus on anything but trying to lay as absolutely still as possible so the gas wouldn’t shift inside me. The only highlights of my day were opening my eyes long enough to see my Paul, walking down the hall to see Paul #2, and the first time I burped long enough to release some of the gas pressure. 

Here’s me with #2! Sorry it’s a bit blurry.

There were about three main points of contention in the days following surgery. Overcoming each of these was it’s own major hurdle and doing so made me feel significantly better. I would say none are completely gone, just yet. But all are SUBSTANTIALLY better.

1. Gas Pain-

I’ve already talked a little bit about this but OMG. Paul #2 was “lucky” (definitely not the right word) and had a large incision to insert my kidney so there was no need to pump him full of gas. He seemed, in the first few days, to be healing much easier and much less painfully than I was.  It really wasn’t even until maybe the 3rd day I was there that I even noticed/remembered that I should have pain in my very small incision. 

2. That damn catheter-

I’d never had one before (that I can remember) and it was the worst. Everytime I moved, I could feel urine either moving out of, or back into, me. The nurses kept telling me mine must’ve been placed funny, because I could tell when my bladder was filling (which you apparently shouldn’t be able to) and they’d have to rearrange the cord to let gravity help remove some of it from my body. It was awful and I begged for them to take it out of me the first day of surgery, but had to wait until the 2nd day. After it was removed I felt so free!

3. Constipation/Nausea- Once most of the gas pain and the catheter were gone, I had to deal with the lingering affects of pain medicine, not walking, being dehydrated, not eating, and more pain medicine. One of the biggest concerns about post surgery recovery is constipation. I literally didn’t eat anything for the first 2-3 days I was in the hospital, so I wasn’t too concerned about being backed up.

I probably should’ve been. But it happened eventually.

Once I was discharged on Monday I got to go back to my hotel room and take a shower, I’m sure my Paul was grateful. 

We flew back on Tuesday, which was short and sweet and I slept almost the entire time. And today is Wednesday. One of the things I’m still struggling with most is just the sheer exhaustion that comes after everything I do. Walk to the bathroom? Take a nap. Take medicine? Take a nap? Go on a field trip with Taylor to Chick Fil A for lunch? Need an entire night’s rest and some anti nausea medicine. 

I’m probably sleeping about 16-18 hours a day. I’m hoping that’ll progressively get better as I take less pain medicine, but we’ll see.  This post was hard to write. I don’t want people to think that I’m weak, or that this surgery is so painful that they won’t be able to tolerate doing it themselves. It really is a very personal choice and I still think it was totally worth it.