#i just idk im getting. pretty fukn anxious abt still being a burden to so many people and just never getting better in any way.

[ayyponine]

*cracks knuckles* time to complain

ugh so school is starting again sept 18th and im not super pumped abt it tbh so i should just not check the emails or online platform thing bc it’s stressing me out re: things that are still kinda far off

idk some shit happened last semester so now i’ve been kinda thinking like. am i even the right kind of person to be a teacher. which is a shit thing to be thinking when you’re 24 and 2 yrs into yr most recent and only succesful bachelor degree education but  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

one thing that happened is the shit teaching practise experience. like yeah the kids are great and teaching them is fun but i hit such a fucking low and got so stressedwhen it turned to shit with that one mentor. and our internships this last year will be even more intense and fr a longer time and i was SUPPOSED to prepare by getting a scooter and license this summer so i could AT LEAST get there easier and have less stress abt that one aspect but now itll just be more of taking public transport and constantly being either pressed fr time or wasting it bc i worry abt being late so i take the early bus and have to sit around fr an hour before school even starts. and im always so fukn nervous ffs

the other thing that happened is look yall know i had to help a 14 yr old with her french n math homework this previous semester. and i did my best to help her. but like one thing i couldnt help her with and it just really hfuckn, i cant forget about it. ok look one hot day she was in short sleeves and i saw marks on her. and she kinda brushed it off as no big deal bc some of her friends did it too and they were a week old anyway. and i was sitting next to her with even bigger marks on both arm n leg so like who the fuck am i even to school her on that shit, right. i mean i offered to listen if she wanted to talk abt it but she didnt and she mentioned she suspects her helicopter dad to be checking all her social media which means i cant ask her abt it now either and so i just, god, idk, i hate being so powerless abt that shit. made me think like, am i even suited to be working with kids tbh. i was such a fucking idiot fr wearing shorts what if she saw and thought like hey, actually, thats pretty smart, good way fr less people to see. and it happened a few times during teaching practise as  well that kids saw n commented on it so i got used to sweating my ass off in long sleeves all the time but like. is that what the rest of my life would be like. just another fucking thing i ruined for myself.

anyway my dad sent a text, we’re getting food this friday as per usual (we meet fr abt an hour every two weeks). im relieved that that’s still smth he wants to do with me but also im real fuckn anxious he’ll pull some shenanigans in bringing :my sister along or smth or even just bringing up the subject - i know she went to his last weekend so i worry aabt anything they mightve discussed. the way she acts around them is not the way she was around me and i keep reminding myself like no, remember this incident, when the tension built and she slammed the door to make you flinch, when she withheld that important letter frm school, when she barked at her bf just bc he invited you to dinner, when she was cold ignored you and cut you off frm group conversation and you felt so fukn small again. i have to keep reminding myself that i’m not irrational and that im allowed to feel this torn up abt the whole thing even as my parents treat it like they can have a normal bond and my choice to move out was not out of necessity. and i wonder what it’dd even be like to return home after she’s gone back to mexico (shes not living in costa rica??? i dont even know but i got corrected on it a while back. when my dad took me to his parents fr a visit. god i hope he wont do that again this week. im a bad person fr not wanting to hang with my grandparents right now but every time it just turns into an interrogation re: progress in school, when u bringing a boyfriend (they forget im not just into guys exclusively and also they dont know i am too filled with self-HATRED to make anything happen EVER) and “how is yr sister doing”  and the fun part is that one of them has bad memory so those hell topics will ccarrousel a few times over every timei visit). either way yeah returning home to mom would be awkward as fuck so thats a fun prospect. how would we even continue from this mess tbh. from her blatantly picking my sister over me and then after a month of fun carefree living having to trade her in for this messed up failure of a person again. fuck.

also im not super great w my friends anymore. i cant even do that much. i tried to hang out w some a few days back and first barely said anything before turning into an anxious mess and completely embarrassing myself so. great. dont understand why the friend i’ve been with for twwo full weeks now still tolerates having me around but ok sure i guess