#i just get paralyzed trying to message ppl

[bugslug]

kinda weird how i have such terrible social anxiety but primarily for just socializing online/through text or email. in person i’m honestly kinda ok with it? its still mentally draining to be social for too long but i actually Can make small talk pretty well and i’d much rather meet someone new in person than send them an email. and it’s not just like professional online spaces i have issues w like discord servers and casually messaging friends as well. i’d rather talk in a group setting at a party. it’s just weird to me bc when i was younger (like just 3-4 years ago) it was the opposite, i could converse super easily online but had panic attacks about in person social situations. wtf changed

[vasito-de-leche]

also, also —

I wrote out so many quotes 'cause your language is beautiful and you manipulate it to express complicated figures with simple words so easily is breathtaking. SO I took many quotes and one seriously got on my mind

"would you forgive him just as readily if he were to kill someone in front of you?" I feel like I'd need you elaborate on that one. The thought looks curious as an idea for a situation but at the same time I understand how easily forgiving reader would be borderline ignoring severance of the situation(maybe??? Im still not sure how this works since we got fans already knowing he unalives ppl easily in the first place + the whole setting does collocate with high death rate so...) and on the other hand, abandoning him is just gameover. So I thought the closest to actually getting through this situation without being too unrealistic would be two options

First one is probably classical "y/n already knew it before and them getting close to FMN was with that fact taken into account" and the second one is (mourning the loss of life then) turning to him to adress the issue and try to figure some other ways to "win" without killing anybody(paralyze potion??? More mind games? idk). As if it's _our_ problem and not just his. tldr: jokes on him we are not getting off of that ship.

sorry for this getting too big. you've awakened a dog and it's rabid

NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR SHARING YOUR THOUGHTS, I LOVE LOVE LOVE DISCUSSING THINGS IN-DEPTH WITH PEOPLE! this is us right now, we're sitting and talking about FMN's unstable mental health together and we're holding hands and we're having fun

when I wrote that oneshot, I wanted to keep everything as vague as possible when it came to the reader - this includes their involvement with FMN's and how they tackle the ticking bomb that is his personality and moral compass!

the only thing regarding the reader that I wanted to come across is that the reader cares about him to some degree - the depths of those feelings are pretty much up to you and how you feel about FMN

the SECOND thing I wanted to come across is the fact that FMN lives in his own head, so everything HE perceives about the reader is either projection or wishful thinking, like. you CANNOT take him at face value because everything he thinks and says is a contradiction. he's obsessed with you but both denies it and revels in it, he spends so much time observing you but also misses INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS things about you. he loves you and he hates you. etc etc.

so when FMN starts thinking all that shit about how would you react if he were to kill someone in front of you, that's all intrusive thoughts. they make no sense and are fueled by impulse and things he doesn't actually want to engage in (but might, just because he's one hair away from constantly ruining his own life in one way or another, FMN is self-destructive above all else)

the message underneath is that he simply just wants to keep being awful and irredeemable because he wants to show you that he's ugly inside and outside because he's STILL pretending to be a smooth and very hinged person. it wasn't meant to establish that the reader NEVER saw him kill or commit any other atrocities, or that they're willingly blind or anything else - again, those aspects are left vague for whoever reads this to fill in the blanks AND FMN cannot be trusted in here, especially when reading his POV

ultimately, I can't start elaborating on how the reader would react if they saw FMN kill people fireworks style after this oneshot - because YOU are the reader, I don't control your thoughts or perception. in this oneshot, the character of the "reader" lacks any sort of backstory, motivations, or any solid info to even start thinking if they'd forgive FMN or abandon him or whatever, if that makes sense. I didn't establish if they're an arcanist or human, if they're mixed or infected, if they're willingly siding with Manus or are blind to FMN's affiliations with them, etc. it's all up to you in the end! you get to pick how you'd react in the aftermath!

if we were talking about more specifics like, "how about a reader who rejects the foundation and believes in manus?" or "can you write about a human reader caught up in the crossfire?". those things I can deffo work with because there's context for me to start from

hope this made sense, and ty for the asks!! always a treat to see more FMN fans <3

[lunicho]

hehe that isn’t too rush u at all!! i don’t mind if u don’t get to my asks i will just keep sending more as long as that’s okay haha! i’m glad you’re doing okay.. things go up and down, if it could be better then i hope it gets better for u soon 💕💕 <333 glad it’s not the worst though, that’s always good to hear!

i won’t bombard u too much but i was thinking about himbo!seongbin and how i think i misinterpreted it as fuckboy!seongbin but himbo!seongbin whiny,, needy, slightly manipulative almost yandere esque seongbin that only wants and needs u all to himself <333333 that’s all.

also i got into xikers recently! and i had this thought i need to share i think my bias is jinsik and he really reminds of a bit of heeseung and a bit of seongbin his eyes/nose remind me of hee and his mouth/jaw remind me of seongbin so no wonder i am drawn to him<3333

i’m also really looking forward to the 82major comeback i’m so excited to see what they come out with i neeeed more of their soundcloud rapper sound immediately!!! i really want the best for them and they so deserve it i need them to blow up as artists and as a group!!!

i hope this isn’t too much in one message i said i would try not to bombard lol and then i remembered a few things but yes thank yuuu!

- 🍑 anon

omgg ur so sweet, it actually means so so much that u still wanna send asks even though i haven't gotten to ur other ones bc im someone that puts a lot of pressure on myself feels rlly rlly bad about not getting to people's asks and then it makes me feel even more like paralyzed idk i just make it super hard for myself so thank u :( i definitely don't mind u sending as many asks as u want <3 also so true! im sure things will get better very very soon so im doing alright!

ur sooo right, himbo seongbin is selfish when it comes to u, he wants ur eyes on him and only on him and he gets even more needy if ur attention sways a bit. it's not realistic for you to be able to give him all of your attention constantly but it's what he craves. especially if you're out in public tgt or at a party he makes u feel bad for not focusing on him when you're literally doing what u can!! he's soo whiny when he feels a bit neglected (always) and he's almost like a puppy with the way he'll physically snuggle into u to try and get you to focus on him more.

that's so true! i could definitely see the resemblance of jinsik with the other boys! especially with u saying him and seongbin have similar eyes, i think they both have such pretty sparkly eyes yk! he's soo cute and such a sweetheart! i think my xikers bias is minjae but im still not 110% sure quite yet!

yes! i hope we get more rap with this comeback because illegal 😖😖 i love love love their music smm,, im assuming we will get more rap tho just bc of the current concept they're doing but we shall see!

no worries baby! i like when ppl send long messages cuz i talk a lot a lot a lot like even irl so it makes me feel less bad when other ppl send long messages. i send long messages and also back to back messages and i feel rlly rlly annoying sometimes LMAOSHS

[heroquills-a]

-

[thvodora]

hello !! i’m luna, from the est, and i use she/her pronouns !! this is my baby theodora (aka dory but can also be called theo/thea/teddi/etc. skjdfjks) !! below i have a whole summary of her bio and personality, and also some ideas for connections if you’re into that !! if you’d like to plot, please message me on discord @luna#6219 or like this and i will come to you (most likely on discord, but tumblr im also works) !! if you have time to read things that are way too long, feel free to peek at her biography, statistics, personality traits, headcanons, pinterest, and playlist !! okay let’s dive in !

( lee ji-eun, cisfemale ) hey ! have you seen THEODORA KWON around ? SHE works as a ICE SKATING INSTRUCTOR at big bear resort, but they must be off their shift by now. well, if you do see them can you let me know ? they’re 20 years old & they’ve been working here for FOUR MONTHS. they tend to be +AMBITIOUS & +FASTIDIOUS, but can also be -DOGMATIC & -PREDICTABLE. the other employees have labeled them THE POLYMATH. thanks a lot ! ( delicate fingernails painted red grazing over a piano, wilted flowers resting in the sunlight, elaborate sand sculptures washed away by the tides, ripples in otherwise perfectly still water, & tea-stained book pages )

biography (tw: car accident)

theodora basically grows up w/ two controlling parents who are doctors, but she has a relatively ok childhood where she spends most of her time with her brother. she reads a lot, does well in school, takes some piano lessons, all that jazz

then her mother has an affair and so her parents divorce when dory’s 10 y/o and she’s pretty distraught, split between households. she’s especially spiteful of her mother and her mother’s boyfriend.

her brother leaves for harvard, which sets high expectations for her to excel similarly. but this absence + anger from the divorce + pressure to do well culminates into her accidentally falling into the Mean Girl™ clique at her high school. they basically rebel, party hard, and are super condescending to/basically bully others but all this peer pressure and social conformity is enough for her to ignore her Bad Behavior

she crushes on and later dates the whole ringleader of the clique’s/her bff’s crush. she’s so in love but then at a party she finds her bf + her bff kissing and its just rly bad. her bff has pretty much spread rumors about her, her boyfriend ridicules her, and dory’s effectively thrown out of the social circle.

now with an outsider’s perspective she realizes how terrible she’s been and succumbs to her guilt. she becomes super introverted and only sticks to studying hard and reading books and playing the piano. she tries to apologize to the ppl that she used to bully and tries to insert herself back into high school society but it doesn’t rly work 

so she carries on like this, fighting with her parents yet adhering to their expectations + virtually outcasted but sticking to her studies. then her brother comes home over break and gets into a really bad car accident. he ends up being hospitalized and paralyzed waist down. 

dory’s pretty angry so she ends up tracking the case and watches it happen in court, but the judge/jury/lawyers suck and nothing really happens to the drunk driver who caused the accident

this spurs her into an epiphany that she can right her wrongs and right these wrongs by becoming a lawyer herself, taking justice into her own hands. her parents hate the idea because they don’t think that dory has what it takes + try to persuade her not to, telling her it’s dangerous, unstable, time-consuming, etc. she doesn’t care anymore, though, and seeing how her brother has decided to take a gap year and travel, she frees herself from her parents and goes off to yale for pre-law.

then her dad is diagnosed with early on-set dementia and she decides to move closer to his home to take care of him. she transfers to a uni in colorado, and then gets a job at the resort to a) get that $$$ to help support her dad + her education and b) she’s gone to the resort b4 as like an annual family vacay and is a lil sentimental ! 

she visits her dad a bunch but it’s a lowkey secret, she feels slightly embarrassed and also is just generally quite private

so that’s it! she’s basically just a hell of a mess who still hasn’t forgiven herself for all her mistakes in high school and still feels like she needs to conform + control everything as much as possible + be “perfect” .... but more on that in the next part

personality

my gal dory is the . most . uptight perfectionist ever . she’s super detail oriented and will undoubtedly nit pick at everything she can, both about others + herself. she’s the type to always take control in a group project because a) it has to be done in a specific way for her and b) she doesn’t really trust other people with her grades.

she’s super pragmatic and is super frugal. she hates people who talk their way around things and would rather just have direct communication and be to the point. she’s so honest and brutally critical that it gets her into a bunch of confrontations but.. she doesn’t really mind it. she lowkey loves arguing and asserting her opinion (cause she thinks it’s correct), hence the whole lawyer thing

curious about everything and if you know her well she can ramble on about an insane amount of topics if you give her the time. but like if you know her well... don’t give her that time sdkjfnsk

stubborn and holds grudges, doesn’t forgive easily aka if you lose her trust it’s pretty hard to get it back. super hard to sway her in your favor/opinion. like try to get her to spontaneously go to a party night of? sorry she hasn’t factored it into her planner two weeks in advance and also she hates parties ksdnfgks

loves playing the piano!!! is currently trying to figure out how to dj!!! but she keeps it lowkey

learned to skate when she was pretty young!! by no means an olympic skater but she does like skating bc its v graceful and she loves 2 be on the ice

basically. self-critical, hates Fun, perfectionist who is the embodiment of an istj, enneagram type 1, slytherin, & capricorn sun so....... enjoy

this is a terrible summary please go read her headcanons + personality traits page its so much more well written skfnksndfvbs

wanted connections !!

here’s a link to a tag i have for some ideas and also here’s my connections page w/ some wanted connections but i’m down for anything we brainstorm!!

[svtntntn]

---habits--->

jock!seungcheol x classmate!you

this was something from a long, long time ago and now I'm getting around to finishing and posting it!! 

this is a small bit that goes hand in hand with this scenario ( snippet )

so you live next to the school

yes, you live right next door to your high school

your backyard is right next to the school's football/track field

the only thing separating your backyard from the school's field is a grand black cast iron fence

there's some shrubbery and bushes along the fence and your parents planted some flowers and tall plants to cover it up, but the football field still visible

your balcony can overlook the entire football field if you're sitting at the right angle

which honestly is a blessing and a curse

bc you can watch the games and events from your bedroom window and balcony but when you need to study or want to sleep in early, there's cheers and horns blaring outside your house

but in your best friend somin's opinion, it's also the best place to watch the jocks work out and run laps

staking out the most athletic and toned bodies in your high school on your bedroom balcony with your best friend on a weekly basis?

it wasn't something you were completely crazy about bc

1) wouldn't it be considered stalking?

and 2) your homework wasn't going to complete itself

she'd come over unannounced and set up an entire camp on your balcony

you'd protest your balcony being used as a stake out point to stalk cute guys but she repays you by bringing you food 

you don't really have an interest in any of the guys on the team except for a certain choi seungcheol

he's the school's heartthrob with his dashing good looks, his charming smile, his warm heart and natural leadership 

he's been the star quarterback for your high school since his sophomore year which is a new record as the youngest starting quarterback in school history

so somin's always calling you over to the balcony and saying that seungcheol is running laps around the track or that he's doing drills on the field with his teammates hansol and mingyu

or that he's just sitting on the bench looking as handsome as one could be with a sweat-drenched shirt

she literally wants you to die from your crush on choi seungcheol

which makes you less responsive to when she says his name, "(y/n)! seungcheol’s on the field!"

you stay sitting at your desk, "is he just taking a water break? again?"

somin is quiet for a beat, "okay yes, but look!"

you don't look and turn back to your hw

and you continue to daydream about your crush bc in all actuality, you've never talked to him or introduced yourself to him so he technically doesn't even know you exist 

one day you’re doing homework and somin’s on the balcony when she tackles you on the bed, "(y/n)," she says gravely, "choi seungcheol is outside your fence"

"whAt?"

you both peek out the balcony doors and this boy is standing on the other side of your backyard fence looking sheepishly nervous for some reason

but when you step out behind the doors, you spot a football in the middle of your yard, and then seungcheol spots you! 

he does a giant wave at you with a beaming smile and motions over at the football

you wave back before turning away from the balcony and somin is literally pushing you down the stairs bc you’re paralyzed from the shock of seeing him

you walk outside trying to act all nonchalant and caught off guard like "oh, hi there!" 

but you trip over the very thing you’re supposed to be returning to seungcheol

if that football was a person, you’d be murdering it 12 different ways and hiding it across the country where no one would find it

your cheeks burn red as you hear seungcheol chuckle to himself and ask if you’re okay

you nod slowly and toss him the ball over the fence and he catches it with a single hand 

showoff

he jogs back to the field with the ball and you’re left feeling crazy embarrassed bc you just tripped over a stupid football in front of your crush like thIS WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN

you suddenly hate football

somin tries to cheer you up with her never-ending optimism, "hey at least he knows your face and where you live now!"

"he saw me TRIP in my own backyard" you bury your face in your hands, "good thing he doesn’t even know my name"

days pass and you try to forget your terrible first impression, but you end up replaying the whole event in your head whenever you think of him 

now your crush on choi seungcheol is tainted by this one terrible memory and you kinda hope he forgets about the whole thing

little do you know, he doesn't;)

and then fate interferes: you're paired with him for a project in your literature class

just a quick partner presentation and of course, you draw seungcheol’s name from the hat

"hi (y/n), right?" seungcheol find a seat next to you and slides into it, "choi seungcheol"

his handshake is very firm and strong and you can already feel your cheeks blushing from how handsomely handsome he is

but you ignore the butterflies in your stomach and get down to business and set up a whole outline and plan of action for the presentation

seungcheol attentively listens to you and gives his feedback, which is refreshing bc most ppl would just nod, sit back and let you do the bulk of the work

you two set up a time after school to work on the presentation and you hope he doesn't bring up the whole 'hey aren't you the girl who tripped over a football' thing and thank goodness he doesn’t

before you know it, class is over and done with but when you leave the classroom, seungcheol is calling your name and walking with you down the hallway, "hey (y/n), I was hoping if I could get your number? to message you about our study session! I might come late because of practice and I don't want to make you wait for me or anything"

"oh! uh sure, of course" you punch in your number on his phone and he grins

"I'll see you tonight" he winks as he turns into another hallway, meeting a chorus of "hey's" from his friends

it takes you a solid minute to realize that choi seungcheol asked for your phone number and he got it under the guise of a study session

and you didn't even think much of it in the moment

seungcheol does come late to your study session in the library, but it's alright, you spent the 15 minutes sitting alone wondering what even to say to him in terms of small talk 

and when he gets to you, he’s apologizing to you profusely and you and him get your presentation done in under an hour, seeing as you're both smart and efficient students:)

the sun is setting outside when you both walk out together, "(y/n), let me drive you home, you're right next to the school anyways"

you brush over the fact that seungcheol remembers you live right next to the school, “no no! it's okay, I can walk home, I usually do”

seungcheol gives in, "okay… I'm walking with you though"

"you don't have to, really, it's such a short walk "

"I want to" and so, after a short stop to his car to drop off his football gear, he starts walking with you to your house

which makes your stomach flip and turn as seungcheol walks side by side with you

the awkward silence is replaced with seungcheol first breaking the ice and telling you some type of corny joke and making you laugh

you both get into a rhythm of talking about music and classes and friends when you get to your front door 

seungcheol has this tiny little pout on his lips that he hides when you mention that you'd rather just sit and talk to him longer

"we have tomorrow to talk more! and we can text each other" he promises, holding up his phone, "I'll text you when I get home"

you're over the moon when you enter your house!! everything's just perfect!! 

seungcheol does text you when he's home and you two end up staying up all night texting one another

this goes on and on and on for the next couple of days

it becomes less about your project and more about everyday things and trivial questions that you both know the answer to

seungcheol would text you before and after his football practice and you'd both stay up till the morning texting each other

during actual school tho, he'd spend time with you at your lunch table, walking with you in between classes and hanging out with you before his practice starts

if someone needs to find him, they’ll find you with him

you help seungcheol study for upcoming quizzes and exams in your respective classes in the school library

he ends up lending his letterman jacket to you when you two are studying in the library together;)

if you're up for it, which you usually are, seungcheol will take you out for dinner after his practice

like a gentleman, he always pays for you until you try to sneak money back into his pocket or his backpack

somin doesn't find out that you and seungcheol have been talking outside of class till she spots you with seungcheol at the burger place near the school 

she waits for you at your house when she basically tackles you, "(y/n)!!! tell me everything!! who, what, when, where, why, how! wait I already know who—it's mr. choi seungcheol, your dream man" 

his teammates always end up interrupting you two when you're walking around campus, joshua always introduces himself politely while jeonghan and chan are both like 'who are you?' 

while mingyu and hansol are like 'oOOO, you're the girl who lives at that one house near the football field'

everytime he's sitting with you at your lunch table or when you two are walking down the hallway, both of your phones go off with text messages 

bc somin's sending winky faces and heart emojis to you with seungcheol's name in it and seungcheol says it's just the team's groupchat asking about practice times and stuff for the friday's game

but they're all teasing seungcheol with heart eyes emojis and winky faces too;)))

so basically, now the whole team and somin know of seungcheol’s major crush on you and your crush on him

but bc of the upcoming competitive season, you begin to see seungcheol less and less, as he’s swamped with meetings and practice 24/7 that he only really sees you in class and around campus

one day, you're studying in your room again when you hear seungcheol's voice from outside your balcony

and there you see in your yard that same brown football that first irked the heck out of you just as seungcheol says, “sorry, mingyu keeps threw it over here by accident”

he's running his hand through his hair and even when he's a sweaty mess, he still looks super handsome damn it

you toss it over to him again, “it's fine, just as long you don't break anything over here”

“don't worry, I won't break your heart” seungcheol reassures you with a smirk, nodding at you as he walks backwards, “bye (y/n)!”

and again, the next day the football magically appears in your backyard again

"(y/n)!" seungcheol's standing right outside your fence, explaining how hansol kicked the football too far this time 

you take the ball in your hands and throw it over the fence again, "I think this ball keeps appearing here more often than on the actual field, seungcheol"

"maybe the football just gravitates to here, just like how I do to you"

you start laughing at his dumb line,"oh my gosh"

"see you, (y/n)" he winks at you before jogging away again

this continues for so long and when you tell somin everything, she's suspicious

bc why would they kick the ball horizontally across the field rather than length-wise where the actual goal posts are?

you've never thought about it until she points it out to you, making you shrug but somin's still curious as to why the ball keeps appearing in your yard for no legitimate reason

so she does the obvious and camps out by your balcony for you as you do your homework at your desk 

somin yells for you once you finally get productive and ready to start your english essay, "(y/n)! look! come over here! it's seungcheol!"

you slide over next to somin and she points at the figures of seungcheol, hansol and mingyu on the field, all of them sitting on the benches tiredly as just practice appears to end

you watch as seungcheol stands up and toys with a single football in his hands, spinning it in the air before catching it himself

he tosses it to mingyu and starts running across the field, towards the direction of your yard as mingyu hands it to hansol, who then punts it to seungcheol

and of course, it goes over your fence and into your backyard

now you see hansol and mingyu slouch tiredly on the bench as seungcheol comes running nearing your backyard fence

making you and somin hide back in your room before you're caught 

"does seungcheol know you’re home?"

"why does that matter?"

"because, he's going to call for you because he likes—"

"(y/n)!" and when he says your name, it clicks in your head

tHIS BOY HAS BEEN PURPOSELY THROWING THE FOOTBALL IN YOUR YARD TO TALK TO YOU

okay, so he's been making hansol and mingyu throw it in your yard, but the sentiment is still the same

you step out on the balcony and once again, there's choi seungcheol leaning against the bars of your fence 

this time, you slowly pick up the football, spinning it around in your hands, "hansol really needs to get better at kicking this the other way"

"yeah, we're working with him tonight on that, sorry again… I don't even know how or why it gets all the way here"

"I think I know why" you spin the football in your hands again and seungcheol raises an eyebrow, "why are you making hansol kick the ball this way?"

"what?"

"I watched you hand the ball to hansol and he kicked it this way knowing fully well the goal posts are the other way, and you even started running in this direction before he even kicked the ball"

"ok ok, you caught me" he sheepishly confesses, scratching the back of his head nervously, "well since I've been so busy with practice and with games every week and so, I barely get to see you anymore… and I like seeing you"

"you still see me around classes and around campus, we have literature class together"

"yes, but… that's during school... and never mind, can I have the ball back please?"

"but what seungcheol?" you still hold it hostage as seungcheol groans

"I like you, (y/n)! that's why I make hansol and mingyu kick the ball this way and into your yard, because since the first time you tripped over it and ever since the project in lit class, I can't get you out of my head"

"you still remember that?" you're embarrassed that he remembers your terrible first impression of you tripping over the dumb football and he breathes out a laugh

"of course, I've never seen someone so mad at a football before and you were, or are pretty cute"

"I tripped and nearly fell on my face" your face heats up at the memory while seungcheol shakes his head

"you tripped cutely" he tries, reaching out and touching your arm through the fence, "so…"

"so what, mr. quarterback?"

seungcheol pulls his best pouty face, "may I have the ball back and would it be too much to ask you out to dinner tonight?"

"I don't know… I do have a lot of homework to catch up on because someone keeps distracting me by throwing their football into my backyard"

"tomorrow night then?"

you toss the ball over to him and he easily catches it, "don't you have a game tomorrow night?"

he frowns and sighs at the football in his hand, "after then, after tomorrow night's game," he promises as he runs back, "see you (y/n)!"

the next night, you decide to watch the game from your balcony, proudly wearing your school's hoodie while eating some popcorn to get into the whole school spirit thing from the comfort of your own house

somin keeps you company as she writes an essay to turn in last minute with your help, making you lose track of who's winning or losing with her endless amount of questions

you're proofreading her paper when she stands up and drags you out of your chair, "(y/n)! seungcheol is waving this way! for you!"

when you look up, you can see seungcheol's hand waving in your direction and to anyone else, it could just be him pointing up in the air for no reason

you try and wave back, but you don't even know if he can see that far, so you quickly put your hand down to not look like a fool

it's the last two minutes of the game and your school is in the lead by three points when somin already bets seungcheol and the team are going to win

and of course, you go along with her and when the final timer runs out, you see everyone swamp the field in celebration

you hug somin, but you just wish you were hugging seungcheol in congratulations

soon, you see the large batch of ppl slowly trickle out of the field, only a couple members of the team standing in the middle before there’s only one person

you stand on you balcony as notice the only person left on the field gesture in your direction, his arm motioning for you to come over as you promptly look around to check if it is for you

you notice a football fly into the air and into the middle of your backyard again, and so of course you know exactly who's on the field

you rush downstairs and take the football from the ground, briskly walking to the middle of the field in your hoodie and jeans to meet the one and only choi seungcheol

he's dressed in another jersey's of his, his hair damp with either sweat or water with his gear and duffle by his feet

you toss the ball over to him and he catches it with one hand as you approach him, his other hand staying behind his back, "congrats, mr. quarterback"

"hey (y/n)" he smiles innocently at you

"why did you throw the ball into my yard again? I was going to come over here anyway, you already have my attention"

seungcheol's flustered by you last comment before clearing his throat, "old habits die hard, and for some reason, the ball just wants to go in that direction" 

you roll your eyes at his excuse as you take the football in your hands, spinning it around and he takes a step closer to you, "and speaking of habits, I was wondering if you could help me with a new one?"

"if it means retrieving the ball for you always, no. you should really break that habit of throwing that my way"

"no no, I don't mean that," he pulls out a single flower from behind his back and smiles at you, "go out with me?"

you accept the flower and step closer to him, "I thought I already agreed to this date?"

"the thing is with habits, they occur over and over again, yeah? and so I'm asking you out on multiple dates, you know?"

"are you ever going to break this habit?"

"if you say yes, then never. I'll never break this habit" 

your eyes dart to his lips and his eyes dart to yours and he leans closer to you to try and kiss you but you chicken out at the last moment

you hold up the football in front of your face, blocking his lips with the winning ball, "ah ah ah, you haven't even taken me out yet"

"I can't get a kiss for winning the game?" he bashfully pouts

"hmm, let me think about it…" you pretend to think about it for a moment before leaning towards him, your lips super close to his cheek, but not touching his skin before you mutter into his ear, "nope, you have to take me out first, remember?"

you teasingly smirk at him as you run towards the field's exit, waving him over from afar as he starts jogging towards you with his duffle and his gear slung over his shoulder

seungcheol has this cute little pout as you wrap your free hand in his, swinging his arm as you walk together

he stops in his tracks and drops his duffle and gear on the ground, "wait, I need to do something, real quick"

he holds out his hand for the football and you apprehensively give it to him, watching him jog the distance back to the middle of the field and throws the ball to its usual spot, back to your backyard

you watch with your jaw open as the ball flies over and seungcheol runs back over to you, "oops, bad habit"

.

[vanillajunmyeon]

ha i need to get this off my chest somehow...

so i’m still stuch in the ambiguous place of i don’t know what the hell is going on except now i’m in france so i have no excuses for letting this happen (i guess?). i’m so used to inaction that being active and doing something (even though i need this) terrifies me completely, i feel almost paralyzed, but also i need to do that. sending messages is not and will never be enough and i need closure. i don’t know to what it will lead me but at least i need a proper conversation with the guy i like.

what frustrates me is that last year (or rather, earlier this year) we were... getting along ok? i mean sure, i got to be alone in a room with him while not talking at all for minutes (very awkward) but i’m pretty sure at one point i was being kinda carefree with him? like giving him the finger and telling him fuck you when he was going too far with his teasing (i remember doing that and this is incredible to me like... who was that girl? also i’m very vulgar wow in comparison he almost never swears - at least in front of me), and he was teasing me a lot (not even in a cute way like... sometimes i was offended lmao like when he put his foot on my head like the hell dude, or when i said i had long fingers and my mom said that they were the fingers of a pianist and he said yeah that’s what they say and i was like...????? did you just make a sexual innuendo????? about my fingers????? as if your hands weren’t like... almost the same). plus we had that whole idk time where he was trying to talk to me like... a lot? and i was... ok with it (aka not being a mess).

but then when we saw each other two weeks ago it was... sad? like he came to see me (thank you because i wouldn’t have done it... me : a scaredy cat) and say hello and we could barely go past the how are you? we exchanged that basic stuff (literally hello how are you? good and you? good) and then silence... he turns a bit, trying to find his words, i’m at a complete loss and say the first thing that comes to mind (i’m so tired) and he uses that to just build small talk around that (almost relieved? ahaha messes that we are). and we get interrupted and it’s over. like this. so dramatic (him : so i’m gonna go then). and then i sat next to him for almost 2 hours and we (almost) didn’t talk. AHAHAH.

and then AFTER that i had to send him messages (i mean after the PARTY) and i apologized for not talking to him (bc i felt i didn’t really help my cause you see) and he also apologized, and said that sadly the setting wasn’t really right. and then i said i hoped there will be a situation where we could talk (basically) and he said i hope as well! and i was like (i didn’t say it bc what’s the point) but are you really??????

and the worst is that we... are not really at ease through our messages but we do talk about a lot of things (right now i think it’s barely holding up bc he’s busy and i’m not and when i’m not busy i feel like i have nothing interesting to say) but... i guess our messages at this point are almost like a routine? we’ve been talking through messages since march (like???? WOW) and i think we were on a daily basis (or weekly basis) at one point, like we talked so much? sometimes about really random things or about more important stuff but we did talk for months? and for some reason it robbed us from what little progress we had made before i left for my internship? i really suck at talking with boys in general because i’m not at ease with them and i’m definitely not at ease with boys i find attractive but this time i really want to make an effort...

because in the end i really did fall for him (me during that night when i got shit drunk : i’m in love with him!!!! ppl : surprised me : :( now im gonna get drunk until i pass out bye) and frankly enough not knowing what to do feels awful. especially since... he has to know i have feelings for him because... i literally don’t talk to other boys (unless i’m drunk) and also i do talk to girls but the girls i talk to, i’m not interested (or not anymore sometimes). and the way he was so awkward with me... like. he has to know. but i have no idea what he’s feeling or thinking. i know things that scare me a lot and make me doubt so much.

(lately we were talking about marathons and idk he talked about how it would be awesome to have a hobbit+lotr marathon (with the long versions ofc) and i said tell me if you do have one and he said something like a full weekend will have to be planned and i was like yeah!!! but also he said will not would and i was... ok???? what does this mean???? especially since he said that but also his messages got shorter so?????? pls explain???? i’m gonna cry???? and hit myself in confusion????)

my mom asked me what if [that guy who seemed interested in you in korea] said that to you and i was like... but i would NEVER let this happen (dude i got scared when i realized he might like me, got colder and tried to push him away while remaining friendly; i would not talk to him for months and saying stuff like... tell me if you have a 20+ hours marathon pls :) ... lmao how weird is that)???? and she was like well there you have your answer. but it’s different? i don’t know. when you’re interested in someone there are so many factors that lead you to overthinking and stuff and i hate it.

(+ if he has feelings for me he definitely got hurt bc i did get hurt and this is a mess. like shit i was sooo upset when he didn’t show up to that party HE told me would happen, if he hadn’t said anything i wouldn’t even have known there was one???? and shit he didn’t even go? same with the other one two days after, he was supposed to go but didn’t???? like shit? i was so mad? and devastated. and then i drank until i got sick because it seemed like a good way to handle pain back then)

and sure if one asks me if he likes me or not i’d say he does like me, he wouldn’t talk to me if he didn’t (or at least that often, because we have friends in common he’s not that close to - arguably we aren’t that close either - and they talked to him via message like once in 5 months), and he’s also very nice to me, always... trying to be less harsh (like in march when i told him GO WATCH LOGAN and he said i don’t really like the xmen movies bc the timeline doesn’t make sense but i’m gonna put it on my list of movies to watch :) and then a friend told me she had asked him to go see logan with her and he was like it’s complete shit and i was like. wow. at least that’s honest? and then he tried to explain himself. that was cute).

but frankly? between liking someone and liking someone romantically there’s a world (that i’m not always aware of - what are feelings) and well. with all that ambiguity and those games we are not playing but still losing at... what could happen?

i have no idea and i’m so scared.

[lilys2cents]

Hi Lily, sorry this will be a long one. I think my perfectionism has stopped me from living my own life. Profesionally I'm disappointed with my career, most people would say what I do is respectable. As for money it's enough to live comfortably (1)

But i still feel like living paycheck to paycheck. Deep inside I no longer enjoy with what I'm doing. Been struggling w this feeling for the past three years. Many ppl advise to change where i work cause i believe it is also affecting my mental wellbeing, but deep inside i know i don’t want to do what i’m doing anymore. I've no desire to grow and no goals to achieve. Even when more money is offered my heart is not there anymore. Now I'm stuck in this place where I don’t know where to go and what to do. The world seems like a very scary place to be. Work defines a lot of my life so the thought of continuing what i'm doing and changing into something different both are terrifying for me. I have depressive thoughts, no interest in anything else, i feel deep sense of apathy and hopelessness and I just can't see any positive outcome. The thought of starting something new is paralyzing and i procrastinate every day. I thought i could get by if i just focus on 

(The rest of this message got cut off)

I’m sorry you’re feeling so stagnant, anon. It’s very tricky when our livelihoods don’t make us feel... lively. And each situation is so personal, it’s hard to give blanket advice that is applicable to even half the people who might read this an feel similarly.

Have you considered trying to add variety and inspiration to other parts of your life? Joining meetups for young professionals, participating in volunteer projects, gathering a community of new supportive people who might eventually be part of a transition for you? You might also consider some professional mentorship or career coaching to help you define what you want out of your work. I don’t have any expertise in these areas, so I’m not sure where to point you, but I do know they can be helpful.

A note about your supposed perfectionism - I don’t see much evidence of perfectionism in your question as I do general and understandable anxiety. That’s normal and I think most people would feel that way in your situation. Acknowledge the anxiety, see if you can figure out why it’s there (pst, it’s to protect you from making rushed decisions) and eventually decide whether your anxiety is going to hold you back or if you’re going to work around it.