#i just fucking. want to bw heard for once i guess lmao? like. growing up i was kinda always told that my feelings or thoughts didnt matter
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ugh
#flick ticks#i feel like i'm just fucking. Doomed to have to explain every single one of my actions and emotions but like. even then people won't believe#me no matter how much i insist that i *never* wanted to hurt anyone or that i never did anything on purpose like. if i had better impulse#control i'm sure i wouldn't have to explain any of my actions because that's. what made me act the way i did; in those very high stress#moments i could not control my actions. i could be aware that i was being stupid but controlling my actions was a whole other story believe#it or not. i cannot express enough how just. disgusting i feel for having put him through all of that. i cannot express enough how badly i#want to go back in time just to treat him better knowing the things i know now (specifically that my impulse control is Bad and knowing that#(i feel like it would be a Lot easier for me to figure out how to calm down.) i cannot stress enough that during those three yeaes i was#just really fucking stupid and stubborn. i didn't want to get help because i was fucking. For some reason too attached to my toxicity.#old habits die hard i guess lmao. but i'm going to fucking Slaughter those habits. im so fucking sick and tired of hurting the people i love#i just fucking. want to bw heard for once i guess lmao? like. growing up i was kinda always told that my feelings or thoughts didnt matter#which ? is likely why i was so self-centered. also i'm not here to bash on myself; i really was just fucking Dumb and Stubborn as a rock.#i could list out Every Single Thing that i know now that i should've done better but it wouldnt?? change anything. it would be acknowledging#my shitty behavior but like. what good is that now that it's all said and done? idk. lmao i might write out that list anyways bc fuck.#i want it to be known that i know where i went wrong i guess and i want it to be known that i know full and well that i severely fucked up#i want it to be known that i? feel Painfully guilty about having hurt him so much. he was an absolute angel and i treated him like absolute#shit and i regret every single shitty thing i ever did to him. i don't know if in that list i should? share my thought processes? or if it'd#even make any sort of difference. i might anyways idk because like....i don't want my feelings to be silenced lmao.... they've always been#silenced. i'm Allowed to have feelings and thoughts but like. with this whole situation my feelings and thoughts don't matter and i'm just#an abuser and i'll always be an abuser. but that's not true. i don't want it to be true anyways. god fucking!!! i remember when we first#started dating!!!! i remember telling him that i was scared i was going to hurt him!!!! i swear that i did- and i hate that i was fucking#right to be scared!!!!! i hate that i fucking KNEW i was going to be shitty and did absolutely fuck all about it!!!!! i want to say because#i thought i was over all of it?? like. i thought shit was gonna be different with him. at the time when i was hurting him i?? genuinely#didn't realize some of the shit i was doing was hurting him especially as badly as it did. me being controlling over what he wanted to do#for example; i didn't want him to drink because i was afraid he was going to become dependent on alcohol to be happy. the idea made me feel#sick. *but* he wanted to drink because at the time he felt like he had no free will and that even before we met he felt like he had no free#will and him drinking was his ''little act of teenage rebellion'' if i remember his phrasing correctly. that's one of many things i was#inconsiderate about. i was more concerned with how i felt because in my mind my feelings were negative and therefore more important; if i#felt bad about something action should've been taken to make me feel less bad right? in my head it's the same idea as whenever he got sad#about how he looked for example i would do whatever it took to make him feel better....i cant actually think of other examples on my end
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