#i just don't have a solid basis for my self-esteem so i base it on things outside me | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

eschynite · 7 days ago

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the thing that made me wonder whether i'm a "vulnerable narcissist" is kind of funny. i saw someone say that paul's writings in the bible have a fingerprint characteristic of vulnerable narcissists (this has apparently been determined in an academic capacity, which surprised me) where he vacillates between low and high self-esteem, e.g., "i am the least of the apostles" vs. “If someone else thinks they have reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more." my first thought upon reading this was "huh, kendrick lamar does that too" then *thinks about my blog* "huh, i do that too"

#also generally feel a lot of pull between “actually i'm a super decent person” and “there's no way i'm not scum of the earth”#which fully affects my relationships like i'm either operating from a place of inferiority or superiority. i think i have good intentions #i just don't have a solid basis for my self-esteem so i base it on things outside me #or thoughts that are based on external factors which are not really in communion w/ me how i am w/ them #the result does probably look like narcissism bc i'm like a servant to whatever my self-esteem is craving #whether proof i'm terrible or proof i'm amazing #like self-absorption isn't suddenly redeeming just bc i hate myself rather than loving myself #i'm still not living in the same reality as anyone around me #i also don't think being scrupulous abt this self-absorption has been helpful i think i need to Address Core Wounds

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