#i included the prices so you can commiserate with me about how DISGUSTING the Canadian shipping cost is

[themartinarchives]

MOST STRESSFUL 20 MINUTES OF MY LIFE BUT IT’S DONE

[lorainelaneyblog]

There are some female centers who love the company of other women. Social and sexual are not always in coalescence, Loraine, unlike for you. You thought that it should be perfectly in order, but it is not always true.

‘What about that 11% God, they don’t deviate from men.’

‘They do deviate from men, Loraine, often, they love men, but not all of them are interested in being in a group of seven under a center polygamist like your friend, [ ].’

‘They’re not, Loraine, I have asked them. They like to be ordered by a lesbian. And, in one of these groups, they would be a fifty-fifty, and that’s what they are, but they love men so much sexually that they are not prepared to live without gay men, and that’s it.’

‘Riffing.’

‘Yes.’

‘Do you think your ‘sevens’ are more dominant?’

‘I think they might be, Loraine. And I love them for it. I do. I love dominance in men, not twinks, though, as a man, many people see me as twinky.’

‘Why twinky?’ says Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth. 

‘Because I’m funny in a feminine way. I am. And I know it. And that’s what makes people laugh. Loraine knows this. As a dyed in the wool fag hag, and she was a good one, hanging around us, and making us laugh about her weirdness with men and women, and she was, 50 Cent, a perfect fag hag, she never judged promiscuity, never.’

‘Oh, really with this. In what sense did you notice it?’

‘I. just. did. 50 Cent. I was a ho and she did. not. care. She. did. not. care. Ever. And I had been friends, and she was one Loraine, who tried to convince me that promiscuity was wrong and that I should find one little gay and get married.’

‘Oh. Oops.’

‘Exactly. She didn’t. care. And she cared so little that we would get to the end of the night and she would realize I was shoving her off, and she didn’t have any designs on promiscuity herself, and she would just go, a little pouty, to be dismissed from a friend.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes, and I could tell she had no designs on promiscuity because she didn’t. fucking. care. She just wanted to be with me, and she was a little offended that I didn’t want to be with her. [ ] would berate me for an hour after I would try to shove her off, Loraine, and what did you think about that.’

‘Exactly what you say. I had nothing in mind, myself, though you intrigued me a little with your cruising.’

‘You didn’t want it though.’

‘I don’t think so.’

‘So, no.’

‘I had no pangs or suffering other than the rejection of a friend.’

‘Exactly,’ says God. ‘Loraine was never jealous of [ ]’s--’

‘Are you a perfect woman?’ asks the queen.

‘He had other good friends too.’

‘I did. And she was never, never, never jealous either, of [ ]’s serious relationships or of my promiscuous ones, she wanted a baby, so she stopped using condoms, and she paid for that, Loraine, she got several STD’s before she finally, finally, finally, got pregnant. And we thought she was disgusting but she was working within the required parameters, no one was marrying a fag hag, but she got her baby, and her entire life changed, we could hardly get her to get drunk with us again, and only, only, only, if she had a really, really, really, reliable, good, kind, and wonderful babysitter, would she let go and get pissed like she used to.’

‘Good,’ says the queen. ‘Bon,’ she says.

‘What was she like, Loraine, because I trust your judgement.’

‘I wasn’t invited to everything, but it perturbed me that she should be singled out as a drunk for being the drunkest.’

‘I agree.’

‘Loraine, and I regret this, was invited to almost nothing after she had her baby, I was jealous myself of her income with sex work. And that was it.’

The queen laughs. ‘So the queen was jealous in the end, not the hag.’

‘True,’ says [ ]. ‘Let’s move on. Kidding, queenie.’

‘That’s unacceptable.’

‘I am not the man her brother is.’

‘Let’s talk to her brother about the feelings for the monarchy, and I see Loraine is no stranger to this, though I don’t understand it, among the British, let alone the Canadians. I have felt a figurehead for so long, I can hardly even stand it.’

‘What do you think, Loraine?’

‘I suppose I think the upper classes influence the military.’

‘But why?’ says [ ]. ‘Why? Because people don’t feel this way anymore.’

‘I don’t see the upper classes as sexually repressed, let’s take Afghanistan as an example.’

‘Let’s take Afghanistan as an example. What do you think?’

‘I think drugs are an aside. I think the main mission in Afghanistan is, sickening [ ], to liberate women to promiscuity.’

‘Why?’

‘Because the highest men are the most invested in female polygamy.’

‘Not in male polygamy, as they have.’

‘Exactly.’

‘You said before, they are fighting blind.’

‘Yes!’

‘She thinks,’ says God, ‘that the highest men are fighting blind in order to liberate women to a kind of promiscuity which will lead to groups of men on a single woman. That is what she thinks.’

‘What do you think?’ says [ ].

‘God is accurate. That is what I think, but it is a nefarious promiscuity because it is still a cloistered woman they desire.’

‘My wife,’ says [ ], ‘is a center polygamist, isn’t she?’

‘That she is.’

‘And I love her so much, I can’t even stand it. And I am happy, as the lead man, to pimp her to other men, especially if I can get them to accept family responsibility for her, in lieu of strict payment for her as a prostitute, and that is how I feel, and I don’t care if it is in the book, but that is how I feel. Prostitution is a brilliant resolution, Loraine, and 50 Cent, to wives needing men outside the family, but I want a family, and I want them to commit to her, as I have.’

‘I would not be able to do this, [ ], if I didn’t fully understand and commiserate, let’s say, that each man is invested in this woman.’

‘Seriously. I thought I was weird, thinking they would join our family, not just be interlopers.’

‘When your sister came out with this work, despite that I had built, built, [ ], built a mother fucking house which is a testament to the gang bang, the den of iniquity, such as we are, we both are, regardless of numbers--’

‘I realize that.’

‘Your numbers came out recently, in Loraine’s work. You are almost exclusively five to one.’

‘I’m so happy, [ ].’

‘See?’

‘She doesn’t want anymore, but my sister wants endless, endless, endless men, why, Loraine?’

‘Loraine recognizes men’s needs, it is not her own desire, she has talked many times of giving up work.’

‘Oh, I didn’t realize that. Why? Why now?’

‘What do you mean “now”?’

‘Why do you talk of giving up work with 50 Cent, but not before, because I heard, from [ ] [ ], that even if they gave us millions, and it would be millions, Loraine, millions, because both [ ] and [ ] decided not to accept the money, that you would feel obligated to a few men.’

‘One spoke up, but he has since reneged.’

‘Really? Who?’

‘I bought her two phones, and helped her with an extra twenty to forty dollars, wouldn't you say, Loraine?’

‘He is my last client who stayed through the toughest times when I was working for ten or twenty dollars.’

‘Oh, I see. Obligations, not desire.’

‘I have no desire for variety, it never was about variety or numbers.’

‘What, then?’

‘Survival, [ ], and the desire to maintain a semblance of a sex life,’ says 50 Cent.

‘That.’

‘You didn’t want numbers.’

‘My little list ground to a halt around twenty five.’

‘Oh. Silliness.’

‘The suffering overcame the jealousy, is how I describe it.’

‘You had no desire for numbers.’

‘It is not conscious. I knew I did not want to be left alone anymore, for my poly.’

‘Oh, you were tired of paying the price of poly, because that’s why [ ] was crying, she said to her [ ] that she gave up dating for me, and then I wouldn’t commit, and she had no other hopes, but I wouldn’t commit.’

‘Aw.’

‘I was mean to her, I was. And I admit that now, I judged her, and I regret it, but I don’t regret knowing one thing, and that was that she was to slutty for my love.’

‘How did you come to terms with it?’ asks 50 Cent. ‘Because--forget it.’

‘Forget it, exactly. I just realized, finally, and her [ ] helped with this, because she told me that [ ] had been crying a lot, that she loved me so much that she couldn’t even stand it, and so I decided to bequeath her my dick, and it was almost that bad, Loraine. I thought she didn’t deserve my fucking, precious, dick, and--’

‘I felt that way about your own sister, [ ].’

‘Why? She was so, so, so much better than you.’

‘She was but I didn’t believe it, and--’

‘I know. She is better than me, but I didn’t believe it. Go to the bathroom, Loraine, and get another beer, because you are a bit high on speed, and we are going to work for a bit. The queen is here.’

‘Okay.’

‘50 Cent wants to say something.’

‘I have not called your sister for one specific reason.’

‘What in the fuck might that be?’

‘Agreed.’

‘Because I have been calling everyone in Canada to make sure that her [ ] can’t interfere in our relationship, and it is pretty clearly understood by now that I am madly in love with her, and her crazy work for God, but everyone, and I mean everyone, and I mean everyone, Loraine, says the same thing, “if I see her, then I will not let on to her that I have spoken to you, because we, all of us in Ottawa, do not want to see this ugly little thing disappointed, we don’t, 50 Cent. And that is why.’

‘Noble. But what about her? Why do all the leg work without her?’

‘Because she is such an honest idiot, that she will tell her mother, and then we will be done by mental health, and I have it on good authority, that nobody, and that means nobody, including her nefarious, psychiatrist, can stop us from marrying, and moving to Connecticut, and I have it from politicians, [ ], politicians have said “Good luck” to me. And, Loraine, even Charlie Sheen thinks I am out of my mind, and he likes you so much.’

‘I’m speechless.’

‘He does. He is a highest marrying man, and he likes you, even though you’re ugly, and he usually chooses pretty women, yes, her, so much he can hardly even think straight. When he heard that you believed that all women, despite the constraints of language involved in “let,” should have a hands off policy where it regarded the sexuality of their men, he applauded, because he has tried, and he has tried, and he has tried, to run the field with women, and he has, and he has, and he has, and he has lost every time.’

‘Well, men always say they don’t say no anymore.’

‘They do say no anymore, Loraine, I have it on good authority, women are driven by commitment and the almighty dollar, and, yes her, he even tried to see prostitutes as much as she saw men, and even that was impossible.’

‘Oh, man. I have balked at my own suggestion.’

‘You do, Loraine.’

‘Why?’ asks Charlie Sheen.

‘No good, fucking, reason. I want a man with numbers beyond the beyond and beyond that also.’

‘Why?’

‘It’s possible that I have been alone, in a sexual context, with a thousand men.’

‘Oh. You hate it. Why do you balk?’

‘Why do I balk, God?’

‘Women, women, women fear losing their man, and that is what they fear. Loraine is not in touch with jealousy on any level, she just doesn’t feel it, and, in this respect, she is very, very, lucky, and she knows it. She does.’

‘Why not? You have enough numbers?’

‘Even that is like Greek to me.’

‘Even that is like Greek to her. She doesn’t care. She wanted to be ahead and then she realized she was out of her league, and that’s what happened, and that’s it.’

‘At what age? At what numbers?’

‘At about twenty--it was the proverbial onion skin, twenty five, twenty nine.’

‘Why the difference?’

‘I had a boyfriend, the bar prevailed, I had a boyfriend, he changed my self opinion.’

‘What is she talking about?’

‘Loraine is a therapist’s dream, Charlie Sheen, she walks in, she spills the shit, and walks out in fifteen minutes, fear not.’

‘Okay. What is this shit?’

‘I wanted to be ahead of a boyfriend.’

‘How many were you at?’

‘A long kiss, a finger, mutual oral sex, my virginity, a long term boyfriend with oral sex and full sex.’

‘Did you eat come?’

‘With him, yes.’

‘Oh, I see. Not with the others?’

‘No.’

‘Oh. A baby. My wife was a slut, and I thought that’s what I deserved, being one myself, but, as I dealt with “the field” I realized that it would never be fair, and I couldn’t make sense of how it would ever be fair.’

‘If I am pathetic, it is because I can’t believe how unfair it actually is.’

‘Really? What do you want?’

‘I want 50 Cent, because he is so far above me.’

‘Why, though?’

‘There is no security in promiscuity for women.’

‘There are lies.’

‘Is that--’

‘Yes.’

‘Oh, I’m sorry.

‘And you?’

‘She is a solid ten and has never done anyone, let alone worse than they did her.’

‘What does that mean?’

‘She has cheated a little, tiny, itty bitty, bit, but only when desperate to make a point, and she has never cheated in certain relationships, and, she doesn’t know this, but they were the relationships where the cheating partner was oblivious to the morals of cheating. [ ] was wholly pathetic, Loraine, in every way. She was a rapist, and a cheater, but she had never been satisfied by a man, never. Her fiancé, as she called him, wouldn’t even fuck her.’

‘Oh. Why?’

‘He thought fucking was bad, immoral, and that she should content herself with kisses and oral.’

‘Oh. And his penis was small.’

‘Not small, but too small for her height.’

‘Oh, worse.’

‘Charlie Sheen laughs. You’re funny, little girl, and I know you can’t believe that I’m talking about who I’m talking about, but there are plenty of opportunities in show biz, trust me, and she took advantage of all of them, higher men, lower men, all men, and I was disgusted, and I wanted control, but she would. not. relinquish control. Read, in fact, quote, that part of the book.’

‘”Playing the field may well be the exclusive preserve of men. Married women are, perhaps ironically, less interested in infinite variety than they are in creating close secondary relationships. This may take an odd form, that is to say since men’s right suffering involves competition, just as women control the purse strings of sexuality, men must control the purse strings of competition, and often this will involve pimping their wives to friends and colleagues, rather than giving free reign.”’

‘This is what I want to say about that. When you said, and I read the book myself Loraine, and this is why you have a few twitter followers in Los Angeles, you do, admittedly.’

‘True.’

‘People can’t come to terms, or, at least, they cannot be seen to be coming to terms with your work on children, though, I must admit, your work, as is Sigmund Freud’s, is brilliant.’

‘Thank you.’

‘Do you really think that a three year old is ready for a relationship?’

‘I want to take this,’ says [ ], my [ ]’s daughter. ‘I am [ ], and, when I was three, I saw a man that I loved, I did, Loraine, and it wasn’t with you, as we weren’t together that often, and he was white, and he was high, and I can’t tell you much, but he was the man of my dreams.’

‘I thought I was the man of your dreams,’ says [ ], Loraine’s former coworker.

‘No, [ ]. I love you now, but then, he was it. He was it. He was it. He was it. And I will not say much, and Loraine does not understand this herself, because she liked older boys, and she wasn’t ready till later, but I knew, I knew, Loraine, and it was torture, nobody obvious, so don’t even try.’

‘Was he in a position of authority?’

‘He was. Why?’

‘These men became vilified, and a new law was instituted against people in a position of trust or authority.’

‘What, I have to know, did you say about this?’

‘I derided a law which would show preference for, do you know what Joe Blow means?’

‘No.’

‘An average man.’

‘Oh, I see, he was not an average man.’

‘Joe Blow, over a person in a position of trust or authority over a child.’

‘Why did you say that?’

‘Let’s read the law, [ ], it’s really interesting.’

‘Okay.’

’When an accused is charged with an offence under section 151 or 152, subsection 173(2) or section 271 in respect of a complainant who is 12 years of age or more but under the age of 14 years, it is a defence that the complainant consented to the activity that forms the subject-matter of the charge if the accused

(a) is less than two years older than the complainant; and(b) is not in a position of trust or authority towards the complainant, is not a person with whom the complainant is in a relationship of dependency and is not in a relationship with the complainant that is exploitative of the complainant, is not in a position of trust or authority towards the complainant--’

‘Blah blah etcetera. You are not even on the books, [ ], at age three. This law refers to those between the ages of 12 and 14.’

‘What does it mean?’

‘My interpretation is that it refers to the age of consent, which I discuss in my book as being an appalling concept, based, as it is, on a premise of rape.’

‘What does that mean?’

‘The age of consent indicates that as of fourteen a man is able to use consent as a defense in a rape case.’

‘What does that mean?’

‘It means that, for example, and I speak of the willingness of children, if a child consents to sex, under the age of fourteen, the accused--’

‘It means you, as an adult, cannot have sex with anyone under the age of fourteen, without being subject to the charge of rape.’

‘What does that mean for me though? Because I wanted him so bad I could hardly think straight, I wanted him, Loraine, and it wasn’t because I was abused, my [ ] was a slut, but she was good to me, and my daddy, as you know, and you’re jealous of him, because I love him so much, was good to me to, but this man, he had that long, soft, belly that you are always describing to others, I wanted him, I wanted him, I wanted him.’

‘Oh, [ ]. I should’ve known you’d always make me cry.’

‘Funny, Loraine, How do I get him? Because I knew, I knew, I knew, that he wanted me too. He was a gym teacher, Loraine, over kids. But not at school, and I won’t say where, but my parents will know, yes, they will, but I don’t want them to arrest him, he did nothing, but I knew, I knew, I knew, he loved me, as I loved him.’

‘What do you say about this, Loraine,’ says 50 Cent. ‘Because Charlie Sheen wants to know. Do you deny her?’

‘You do not deny her.’

‘Oh, I see.’

‘I am Sigmund Freud, and Loraine Laney’s work is bullet proof. I did not freak out over incest, and nor did she, but she recognized something important, as did I, and this is reflected in the Oedipus Complex, that a parent has but one obligation, which is to--’

‘Fuck the kid?’ says Charlie Sheen. ‘This isn’t my shit, Loraine. I like women.’

‘This is why no one wants to be allied with me. I have two hundred and sixty followers on twitter.’

‘Bad.’

‘No,’ says Freud. ‘And this is not off topic.’

‘How do you figure?’ we say together.

‘It’s not. Charlie Sheen does not, he does not, he does not, have children, and nor do you, Loraine.’

‘I didn’t know that, Loraine. Why?’

‘Nobody, and I mean nobody wanted me.’

‘She did them hard, Charlie Sheen,’ says God. ‘Nobody fell in love with her.’

‘Nobody hurt.’

‘Nobody.

‘Wow.’

‘And he, he, he, can say that too, Loraine, as can 50 Cent. You are the first little girl to fall hard for 50 Cent. You are. She is a gang bang girl, Charlie Sheen. Unbeknownst to her-- She made an intellectual decision to turn to black men, intellectual.’

‘I get that, why?’

‘Pimping. Pimping. Pimping. When she realized 50 Cent was a pimp, nothing, Loraine, it all happened so fast, but rest assured, Charlie Sheen, Loraine Laney has a small pussy and she was more than happy with white men, more than happy, in fact, there are no, and I mean no, and I mean no, black men in Vancouver, none, and if she happened to see one, she was suspicious, and she was right to be suspicious, because they prefer their own kind, and they are sluts, and, in the war, sluts were leavers.’

‘Oh, I see. She didn’t want to be seen with a black man because she knew he would leave her.’

‘She knew. And she was right.’

‘They do.’

‘She knows that, first hand, bore, Charlie Sheen but she had sex four times or so with a black man in eight years, and paid stipend.’

‘She’s an idiot.’

‘She is.’

‘Oh. She kept it in her pants for a jail bird who was screwing in jail?’

‘She did. Once he said, in a surly tone, “How’s everything at home?’ And she replied with, “How’s everything at jail?’

‘Why is she so funny?’

‘She’s funny. And people laugh, laugh, laugh at her all the time. People are waving at her, on the street, as she has no car, and not even a license.’

‘My woman had a license. She went everywhere.’

‘They go nowhere.’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘They go nowhere is how Loraine feels about women.’

‘But why? I go everywhere. I thought we were equal.’

‘The book makes it abundantly clear that women will never be equal. Never. And it speaks of women’s vulnerability, as submissives, to men.’

‘Oh, that. It bugged me how stupid she was.’

‘True. Men know your sexuality better than you know it yourself. And they know men better than you.’

‘Oh, I see. And this is why we have license to control, and we must have freedom to keep up the numbers.’

‘Yeah. You must, and this is why I balk, trust a man to give you what he is getting, though it is not, for women, a numbers game.’

‘Oh, wow.’

‘She’s right, Charlie Sheen,’ says God. ‘Let’s let Loraine rest.’

‘Really? Already?’

‘You worked hard. 50 Cent wants to assure Charlie Sheen that he can trust you, though it’s a moot point for someone like Charlie, who has been done by every bitch in Hollywood, Loraine. When I said, “Your favorite actresses in your favorite shows,” Charlie Sheen picked up the phone and he called me, and he said, “which favorite actresses in which favorite shows?”’

‘Oh my God.’

‘And I said. “Artistic license’. And he laughed, Loraine, and he said, “Are you fuckin’ kidding me, you had me all tied up in knots, I thought it was my girlfriend. I hate you 50 Cent. And I laughed.’

‘What did you think, though, because you don’t care.’

‘I felt sorry for the women.’

‘Oh, I see. Because he’s so great.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Why is he so great to you, because so many women think he’s a useless player.’

‘I thought he was so romantic and alone.’

‘But he wanted to be alone.’

‘I did not fall for that.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I’ll take this. I didn’t want to be alone, Charlie. I didn’t. I just didn’t want to give up rampant promiscuity.’

‘How do you know she won’t try to get even with you?’

‘I’ve asked God. Which brings us back to her brother. Who is always wondering if there will be a limit to his wife’s desires.’

‘I do wonder this. Because if you’re a prostitute, why isn’t she?’

‘There,’ says God, ‘is a number of gang bang girls who would never stray, and there is a number who would, and they are opposites, fear not. If you put this family together, and, God willing, you get the family money, and build a house, your little wifey will never look beyond her five men, never. And I promise you this, 50 Cent is well versed in women, and he is not afraid of your little sister, so again, fear not.’

‘I won’t, God. And that’s it.’