#i immediately regress to a teenager and lose All confidence in myself

[icanblognow]

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[beasttheyeti]

I have this very strongly with emotions and opinions. One of the reasons I can be forceful with statements of opinion is not because I think I'm right. It's because I think the listener will not believe that it is the opinion I currently hold. In a similar vein, if I don't have knowledge of something or have incorrect knowledge, I can become super defensive if someone calls me stupid for it. With emotions I was constantly told I wasn't angry when I was in enormous amounts of distress. The frequent refrain in response to me having depression* was 'you used to be such a happy child' when I knew that I hadn't been. I was frequently either over- or under-stimulated, picked on by my peers or encouraged to reckless behaviour to fit in. I could tell that my 'best friend' often found me bothersome but couldn't work out why. Moving and losing the friends I did have simply stripped away the good bits and left everything that already existed. I realised that the reason I was in so much pain as a teenager was likely because I was over-stimulated from school and my recovery periods at home were constantly interrupted by my family. Even now my mother does not understand why not giving me any privacy was a problem, she only sees that I used to lock myself in the bathroom for hours (the only room with a lock in the house) and that it was an inconvenience for her. Now, I got diagnosed with autism at the end of 2021. I was in my 30s and had been actively engaging in therapy for almost a decade. It gave me another tool for unpicking the barriers and habits I'd built in response to my experiences, but I still needed to do the hard work of turning those over and really looking at them.

While the diagnosis gave me additional context, it was the previous work I'd done and ongoing work I was doing to manage my mental health that helped me to start applying it in a way that was useful. It's a process I expect to be doing for the rest of my life.

And despite all the work I do, everything I've put into knowing myself and having confidence to express exactly what I mean, in the presence of my parents I frequently regress back into the state of shutting down my responses or rapidly getting frustrated because they still do this. It's why I limit contact with them. *My mother would ask if I was depressed. I was say that I was, expecting that we would do something about it. Nothing happened. It turns out that being small and miserable is easier to deal with than being boistorous and loud, which were things that immediately got me into trouble.

[christdawizard]

The least that reason can do is allow me the choices to completely destroy and create another happy life created off of random serendipity. Yet the sole reason it cannot be so, has all to do with the promises and love I have sworn to. However pleasurable I am sure having my body ravaged over by woman, or man; My body has only known cryptic tragedy. A summons of only the apprehensive depressions that come with wanting sex and promiscuity. Where is the dammed who has known what i do not. Priori and posteriori, the great unification is the love I have with my lover. Who has known great experience with what I wish to be endowed. My god, if only my teenaged son can read these. How much time he does not have to waste by ruining his confidence on lesser than women. How much confidence is gained by pleasuring other women? How much is gained by not...or maybe our approach to this topic relies all on what sex is not, so as to understand why sex was not. Understanding can only come from great sacrifice either of our mental coil or our physical one. My twin flame how you ever excite and fright me. Please do great damage or great healing for knowing you can end in one or the other. I know it so. Please, help me. I truly want other warmth from bodies not loyal to me. God!? Why was I so afraid of you and why could. Not use my cock which has been blessed! Why give my face a chiseled look yet my mind broken insecurity? Is there a god whose joke can be oh so cruel? I spent so much time trying to please god. I never was able to please all the daughters and sisters of this world. Gaia, may I borrow your ear? Krishna, may I borrow your ear?

My gods have failed me.

The American Gods of the South.

Where can you take me, and fuck me?

Where baby, I want your cock

...

Soon baby, you will have my babies swimming in you soon babygirl

...

Where does it all end?

It never does, it always unfolds, unfurls.

Who has all the authority, I do.

Given to me by the woman I only ever knew.

She waits for me, wants to be patient with me.

Or else I am gone. The same way all the last guys ended up. Another fucking body to get over, who you fucking got! You want to keep busting on the boy! You want to keep messing with his head, it will never work! Who knows where we end with this! I know where we stay on our own psyche. I know how we learn the only way we ever known. Help me when it comes to erasing the last bits of memories i am trying to torch with grass and never ending self help music. Fuck you man, i wish this all made sense. But living with many voices in your head always soothes out the waves that want to smooth out my priority. I have a bunch of loose screws out in my neighborhood ready to sell all the pot they can to eat for the night. Then outside in the nicer parts, they got cheating wives absent parents from kids lives. And i am here smelling all this shit, and trust me. The dealers got weed thots, the coke heads do whatever for their hit. Everybody and even their mommas are getting laid and being claimed by whoever has desire. This fucking cartel pot is getting close to Cali weed. Cause I would never admit to even my own journal better yet, myself, about the way all this shit keeps happening after I broke my Brain outta my skull. I ain't even joking. The aliens took it out, kidding. I did it myself, fake bake shrooms and some LSD is all you need for insanity. Ever want to see who is behind the walls? Who talks to you when you aren't paying attention? Neither did i, but it happened. And all I can think about is what I was doing when the drugs were waiting to kcik in. Cause that was when the drugs kicked in, not the year prior when I started smoking pot regularly and not the month after that start date, when I tasted my first metallicy blotter art. No! No, no, it was that day march 30 or 29th 2016 when it all kicked the fuck in. And the world delivered me thru the valley of the shadow of death. And as an atheist you sure do start losing hope at some point. But it seems the only thing to have kept my head perfectly screwed to my body was my desire to fuck. Cause a year later, a baby boy was expected. And life as a Dirty South Representer quickly came to that of a young man who learned the value of family and true sacrifice for the greater good.

How fitting right? Even after all this fuck shit, after all the fighting all the blood eyes, reopened scars and wounds. Placed before me another shrine of love, and an offering to carry another of my legacy. Only to be met with the gods of judgement, out on a quest to fit me back into my head. Lest I am cast to the shadows lost in my earthly tests of body and flesh. Because when i look at her, i never feel rage. Maybe some anger, some repressed sadness i never want to show her. But that is all it ever comes. For the true remarkable feat comes with bravery. For i have known fake love and so has she, but what do i have to show for it but child and wild shame and indifference. Maybe the drugs have not kicked in just yet, hopefully, or else I am to stay loyal and dedicated to one woman and never am able to express the gods will to fuck all that I desire. Just her body? Just her skin, an experience I doubt I have earned or deserved. And yet, there she always is, waiting patiently, for my seed. Have the drugs kicked in! I have not taken any! But PLEASE, tell me i have time to be that goddamned demon i have been hearing all my life! IS IT GOD!? For if there is a God I have a demon. Because why would god abandon us with abaddon, and mammon. Were they famished if so not anymore. By my aide, and my side I truly can heal them. The drugs do not matter when you hear them and they respond to you immediately. For they are there and will not leave you, unless you know why they came. Why do they keep coming?

And why when I have the beauty of humanity showering me in nudity and pleasure? Is there a contrast i should feel, or see? Through the darkness of my shame and regression of my sexual prowess I learn pure power and will. Or do i? Have the drugs kicked in... You have not taken any, you are at peace there are no entities we feel no coldness in our stomachs or our hearts. The only sensation is euphoria. For there is a strength that will overcome all. And we have it in us only when we can attain it. Some may never feel true complete control over body mind and spirit.

Spirits have done it's best with what I gave. Because that was all of me, and if they have nothing then nothing will come of me. The last thing I ever needed was a reason to compare myself to anybody's past or lessons learned. Therefore in doing so I unearthed a stunning truth to myself I never knew could attract such strong possibilities either good or bad. Doing so is the essence of a natural life in which abundance is wanted. Through pain and sacrifice, not negligence and arrogance. My soul have mercy on me for the transformations I will take upon my body! It will be as painful as the nights that were burned in my memory! And as memorable as the life in which i lived.